Volume 16, Issue 2 - The Hegenomicon

1

THE

Macalester

HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 16, Issue 2 Spring 2017 The Hegenomicon

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Jamie Goodin ’17 Austin Parsons ’17

EDITORIAL Managing Editor Sarah Coleman ’18 Managing Editor Danny Ochoa ’18 Head Writer Sean McDonald ’18 Social Media Editor Marissa Heim ’17 Radio Editor Yafiet Bezabih ’18

DESIGN Head of Production Noah Mondschein ’18 Neck of Production Will Milch ’19

STAFF Coat Rack ’99 Declan Cummings ’17 Xander Gershberg ’17 Eva Larsen ’17 Crystal Yam ’17

Evan Supple ’17 Ana Diaz ’18 Sophie Hannauer ’19 Alex Dzwierzynski ’19 Jacob Trout ’19

Ward Takatomo ’19 Caleb Driker-Ohren ’19 Adam Rogowski ’19 Nick Storlie ’19

SHOUT OUTS Kevin the Dog, currently on sabbatical The good sports who put up with being sexiled on Founders’ Day Horses, the original cars Autocracies - the reason is classified The new Zelda game because it’s sick dope nasty Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11 Contact us: hegemonocle@macalester.edu

2 @hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle

The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105

Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.

The Hegemonocle is published four-ish times per academic year.

All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2017.

Letters to the editors, from the editors: Dear Jamie,

Dear Austin,

Michelle and Joe. Ross and that other guy (Harvey?).

Lydia and Tom. After today, we join this list of The Hegemonocle Editors-in-Chief Emeritus who served between the Fall 2013 and Spring 2017 semesters.

I recently read on Facebook that Des Moines is the new Brooklyn. Now I know you’re not a Des Moines man yourself, but you still grew up bathing in that Iowa sun gorging on that Iowa soil. It only feels fitting that I would read about our respective hometowns on social media, as perhaps unbeknownst to you, I’ve been your social media intern since 2013.

Jamie and Austin. These are our names. Picture them at the end of the list above. Also, I just remembered that guy’s name. It was (and still is, I bet) Henry.

As our time as co-Editors-in-Chief comes to a close, I want to remind you of all the other titles we’ve held within the Hege organization. They include, chronologically: Staff Writer, Eye Candy, Leading Consultant, Assistant Editor, Managing Editor (me), Head Writer (you).

Despite our changing roles for this magazine in the past four years, Hege has been consistently enjoyable from Day 1, except for the end-of-year roast when we were sophomores, obviously.

I don’t wish to speak for you (and I suppose this letter should be about speaking to you), but I believe it’s safe to say that we would not be the same without Hege, nor would Hege be the same without us. Well, the magazine would probably still be called The Hegemonocle, but how would all the Political Science and English majors on our staff gauge the accuracy of science-related jokes?

I’ll end this letter to you by answering a question Noah posed last year: “What day of the week is Thursday?”

Well, Jamie, Noah, and everyone else to whom this letter is not addressed, Thursday is Hege-day, and on every coming Hege-day from 9:00 to 10:00 pm my heart will long for a second-floor CC meeting room full of pieces to workshop and friends to roast.

Thanks for being a part of something so good with me, Jamie. It’s Friday and we just released the latest issue of Hege - let’s celebrate. Bud Light Limes on me tonight.

It’s hard to believe that I’ve spent four years increasing your average number of likes per post. It hasn’t always been easy--who can forget the Search Engine Optimization Incident of 2015?--but I wouldn’t take any of it back. 9:00 to 10:00 on Thursdays were a special time. As we went around the room workshopping articles with some of the most interesting and wonderful people Macalester has to offer, it was an honor to mostly ignore it in favor of designing algorithms to catapult you into Time’s Top 100 Most Influential STEM Majors.

But those days when I could actually pay attention because you had more social media engagement than you needed, or you had become so embroiled in scandal that no amount of PR finesse could save you, I knew that my time with The Hegemonocle could not be better spent.

As a sidenote, I’ve thought long and hard about what day Thursday is. Still figuring that one out. Sorry, Noah.

I’ve learned so much from you and everyone else who decided that writing for a college humor magazine might not be so bad. It has been a joy to crank out two or three of these things a semester. Although this will be the last issue you and I will lead, there’s more to come-this semester and beyond.

Yours always, Jamie

Hege forever, Austin 3

HEGE ASKS THE HARD QUESTIONS:

vs.

Which is better?

Zombie Outbreaks Prevented

Negative - creates corporate zombies

7/10

Maybe

Yes

Depends on major

Depends on the socioeconomic makeup of the region

1

0 (excluding Catherine Larsen)

2 per day

1 per disease you have

Well I’m still unemployed

7/10

Not great, but at least they’re well intentioned

Very clean, two thumbs up

4

More than 4

STEM students only

At least 4

Ability to Control Disease

Poor

Fair

Healthiness of Personnel

Poor (gave Noah the flu)

Fair (militant vape fiends)

Ability to Identify Trends/Epidemics

What they’re known for

Could try harder

Far

Close

Trump got confused, gave it all to Mac CDC

Knowledge of a job well done and a gold star sticker

Created Chikungunya Wait Time for Consultation Number of Kate Larsons Employed Spam Emails Sent Effectiveness Attractiveness of Personnel Employees Lost to Zika Lives Saved

Proximity to Atlanta Federal Funding 4

Mac Student Highlights of 2017 for your astrological sign Aries: a bad case of gastroenteritis on your birthday weekend *** Taurus: “accidentally” send nudes to your advisor on two separate occasions *** Gemini: your 4 year old cousin tells you they’re disappointed in you *** Cancer: wait two hours in the rain for your bus; get on the wrong bus *** Leo: slam your finger in the fridge door twice in one day *** Virgo: mom reveals that the pet fish you had when you were five did not actually “run away”

Libra: overhear your RA calling you a “huge fuckin’ narc” *** Scorpio: you misuse the term “neoliberal” in your politics class; the professor kicks you out *** Sagittarius: eat a gas station hot dog out of desperation and rate it as “ok” *** Capricorn: have a full blown meltdown in the library when your essay prints in landscape *** Aquarius: roommate barfs in your defrosting mini-fridge; you find out 3 days later *** Pisces: pubic landscaping gone awry

When this dog’s owner had a heart attack, she ran for miles to find a doctor, leading him back in time for him to save her owner’s life, but a phone call probably would have been faster.

Look, I know what you’re looking for here. You’re looking for a feel-good story, that you can read, and smile about, and say “Awwww we don’t deserve dogs!” to. But did you ever really stop and think about what you’re doing? This lady had a literal fucking heart attack and you’re cooing over how smart ol’ Daisy is? Too smart to operate a phone, apparently.

And what’s more, the dog ran for miles, but her owner lives literally two blocks from a hospital. Daisy ran right past the hospital, chasing after Godknows-what. Took her a near half hour to find someone. But nooooo, none of that matters to you. Did you ever bother to think about what happened after the story? Betsy, that sweet old woman whose dog saved her? Yeah, she didn’t have health insurance. She gets put in a hospital for a week, not a god damned one of her worthless grandchildren show up to visit her, and she gets a bill for a solid $300,000. She can’t pay that shit. Well, much like you, the bank didn’t care too much for Betsy, because they foreclosed on her house.

Forced her to declare bankruptcy. I’m not even going to go into the specifics of what happened next. You wouldn’t want to hear it. But let’s just say that Daisy wasn’t able to stop Betsy from dying six weeks later. And you remember those good for nothing relatives that didn’t visit her in the hospital? Well they sure as fuck didn’t take in Daisy. And you know what happens to dogs that no one takes in? Yeah. You do. So maybe next time you read one of those articles you’ll think about something more than just “Ohh doggo!” Be a responsible reader for once in your god damned life.

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I’m not like other girls.

I’m not like other girls. I don’t do ~*normal*~ girl stuff like wear makeup except for my signature winged eye liner. I also think boy jokes are super funny. Like, Kenny made a fart noise when Becca was bending over to get the pen she dropped. And Trisha and her ~popular girl~ friends all rolled their eyes cuz they think they’re too cool even though they’re totally not, but I laughed cuz Kenny is suuuper funny XD farts are hilarious!1!! Trisha just isn’t funny cuz she only thinks about lip gloss :P but not me. I’m not like other girls. Trisha and her posse like to go shopping for pink stuff and eat salads but not me. I like to get fisted in the ass...

Sorry, I misspoke. I LOVE to get fisted in the ass. I want Kenny to grab around in my rectum like he’s searching for the key to fix his parents broken marriage. Like he’s the claw machine and my small intestine is an old tootsie pop. Like Michaelangelo’s “The Creation of Adam,” but with his fist and my anus. Did I mention I like to sk8? It’s the funnest, I get to ride around the neighborhood and murder small birds and do kick flips. I also like shows like South Park cuz swears are too funny and poop jokes are too. Ugh all the *%regular%* girls are so annoying!!

ALIGNMENT CHART OF CAMPUS ORGS CHAOTIC

NEUTRAL

LAWFUL

Anime Club

The Spark

Chanter

NEUTRAL

MCSG

Sitting @ MAC

White Identity Collective

GOOD

C.H.E.E.B.A.

Handmade @ MAC

Sober @ MAC

EVIL

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(2014-2016)

*The Mac Weekly is not relevant enough for its own category

Hi Phil, so glad you’ll be staying in our home as our first Airbnb guest.

We hope you enjoy your time in the city. Anyways, we just wanted to give you a quick list of rules for the house, I think you’ll find them all pretty agreeable.

- DO NOT antagonize the Nåchzehrµr. He is content to lie in his coffin in the basement, spreading plague, despair, and poor crop yield through his malevolent telekinetic abilities.

Things that may antagonize the Nåchzehrµr include: loud music, big parties, and putting a brick in his mouth and cutting his head off.

- Take your garbage to the curb. Collection day is Thursday but if you miss it don’t worry, they’ll always be another Thursday.

- DO NOT feed the Nåchzehrµr. He does not eat regularly but rises only on the solstice to devour the rotted corpses of his family. Attempting to feed the Nåchzehrµr will only antagonize him (see rule 1). The guest that fed the Nåchzehrµr received a very poor rating on the Airbnb app and had to be shipped back to his family in a cigar tin.

- As any good home should, we have two keys. The main key is under a rock on the porch.

- The spare key is in the basement, tucked neatly in the Nåchzehrµr’s coffin. DO NOT try to rip the key from the Nåchzehrµr’s cold dead claw. If you take his key, he WILL retrieve it. We advise that you not lose the main key.

- Laundry is in the basement and is complimentary. Make sure to shake the sand out of your clothes before you put them in the laundry. The Nåchzehrµr DOES NOT like the sound of sand rattling in the drier. It will for sure antagonize him (see rule 1). Also, we keep detergent and fabric softener on a shelf above the washer. Take as much as you need.

- DO NOT pour fabric softener on the Nåchzehrµr. The basement is very dark and rank as to resemble the conditions of a 7th century German cemetery. As it may be difficult to distinguish the Dyson CR01 Washer from the bespoke stone sarcophagus that houses the vengeful Nåchzehrµr, so please just make sure you know which is which before you start pouring fabric softener.

- Guests are welcome. We know a lot of Airbnb hosts frown on guests but our family philosophy has always been the more the merrier.

- If you do bring guests, please DO NOT neglect to alert the Nåchzehrµr of their presence.

We request that you bring a small sample of clothing or hair to the basement and place it on a napkin in front of the Nåchzehrµr’s coffin. If he does not recognize the scent of your guest, the Nåchzehrµr will ruthlessly hunt them and drag their desecrated corpse into the depths of the blighted earth. So just give him a heads up.

- The wifi password is: isubmittothenåchzehrµr. All lowercase.

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Applying for Sophomore housing?

Applying for Sophomore housing is infamously known as a stressful aspect of a first-year’s experience at Macalester College. Here’s some information on the big options of living.

Do: Repeat “not Slytherin... not Slytherin” before clicking on the your roster time information.

Do: Purchase a metal canteen and/or leather waterskin if you live in Kirk, as the nearest water source is miles away.

Don’t: Lie to yourself about living with Stacy and Lisa, they’re way too cool for you.

Do: Beat up the biggest inmate on the very first day of residency if you live in Dupre hall.

Don’t: Think that you’re not cool enough to live with Stacy and Lisa, you’re totally cool enough, right? You should ask them today.Yeah, maybe you should just bring it up at lunch or something.

Do: Cause a distraction when people are picking their room.

Don’t: Cry when you’re locked into the system as the 30BigWall RHD’s little spoon after having been allured by their appealing roster time.

Do: Keep a low profile if you live in Dupre. Also it’d be for the better if you could find something sharp and pointy in case any trouble arises. Toothbrushes, for example, can be worn down on the white walls until they come to a point.

Don’t: Be mad at Stacy and Lisa, they said that they wanted to live in a double next year, and you knew that.You’ll probably get to live with them Junior year off-campus--or at least sublet for them.

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Bigelow? I thought I was in Turck?

Dupre is where first-years live, you

idiot. You can live there but you’re going to have to be extra mean to the any first-year that you come across.

Wallace is an historic dorm. It was the

original living quarters at Mac. Incoming students should keep an eye on the staircases though--they like to change. The thirdfloor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a most painful death.

The Veggie Co-Op is where vegetarians live, and you are hardly a

vegetarian. Do you have a nose ring? Well… you can pass I suppose but you’ll need to put some more stickers on your Macbook Pro before moving in.

Bigelow? I could have sworn that I would be in Wallace by now--I’m just trying

to get back there. Why are the lights so dim here? The way they flicker is making me really uncomfortable. I would ask for directions but most of the rooms are empty.

Maybe somebody in that dorm made out of gingerbread and gumdrops over yonder could help me.

Kirk is known for its freaking sweet

location. Dude, if we lived in Kirk we would be going to the gym like 24/7.

I’d get that ripped upperclassmen bod. Also I hear it has split doubles!

30 Mac is a nudist colony.

GDD is nice from what I hear. I don’t know what the letters stand for and am quite embarrassed because of this. What the hell is the Lock for that matter? Oh Loch?

Like the Loch Ness, oh shit that makes so much sense--Nessie’s, like the Loch Ness Monster, I get it. GDD kind of sounds like GRE and I should probably know what that stands for. Fuck it, I’m a first-year looking for housing, I don’t need to know that shit yet.

Study Finds Dolphins Smart Enough to Solve Rubik’s Cubes, Get a 35 on the ACT, Fuck Your Mom We know that dolphins are adorable little fish-mammals, but a recent study suggests that they have more to them than meets the eye. Scientists put 15 groups of dolphins from all across the world through a series of tests to see just how intelligent those slippery flippers really are, and the results were shocking. Almost half of the dolphins were able to solve a Rubik’s Cube, given enough time, which proves that they really aren’t that hard, and you’re just an idiot. Even more surprising, the majority of them scored between a 33 and a 35 on the ACT, which really shines light on how mediocre your super scored 32 really was, no matter how “proud of you” your parents are. And speaking of your parents, every single last one of those dolphins was able to fuck your mom. Those smooth talkers were able to get your mom into bed for some passionate aquatic mammal coitus, and your dad even watched. He got a lot out of it. Saved their marriage, seems like. He said something about “Finally understanding what she needs.”

Listen, I’m not a marine biologist or anything, but I think that makes these dolphins something really special.

?

Where in the World was the Panini Press?

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

At the bottom of the Mississippi River, thrown there by the waffle maker Studying abroad in India, to find itself Imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay Backpacking through Europe Living off campus Fired for trying to unionize with the toaster and the gluten free waffle maker Went to Mars to escape the human race Hiking through the Andes for the thrill of it Fell asleep on the light rail Got lost in Olin-Rice Has a panini-making internship in Minneapolis Dropping out to pursue a career as a George Foreman grill Serving as the primary source of nourishment for the army of David Sisk clones (turn page) On a pilgrimage to Italy to make real panini Nessie’s

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David Sisk Cloning Project Discovered in Basement of Dupre An FBI investigation is underway at Macalester College after Eric Brockton ’20 made a startling discovery at approximately 11:30 pm Wednesday night. The hungry first-year was searching for a vending machine in the basement of Dupre Residence Hall when he accidentally uncovered a converted holding pen in the 10K performance venue. Although the facility itself is a significant discovery, it was the legion of David Sisks scurrying around the room and warning each other not to share their passwords that really shocked Brockton.

“Well, ya know, one second I’m on the median smoking some new shit called ‘Socratic Sativa’ and then next thing I know I open one wrong door and there they are. There must’ve been 60 or 70 Sisks just living there,” Brockton said. “I wouldn’t have known who they were except for that picture that is attached to all the emails—I always thought it was a stock photo or something.”

Discovering the Sisks disrupted Brockton’s usual Wednesday night activities.

“Usually I get pretty high but I must’ve been zonked, I mean, I freaked out.

Also I do have Venmo if anyone is interested in buying, just keep it lowkey though.”

In connection with the incident, several high-ranking Macalester officials have been taken into custody, including President Brian Rosenberg and Kevin the Therapy Dog. Saint Paul Police Chief Eugene Sampson declined to comment on the situation, but an unnamed source close to the investigation linked Kevin’s known past as a barbiturate drug lord to the theory that the Sisks were being cloned and used as drug mules.

Others around campus, including biology major Delmar Aaronson ’18, were shocked and appalled by the cloning project.

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“I always thought Sisk was some sort of computer bot or a thesis project or something,” Aaronson

said. “I mean I know that all of my friends didn’t think he was real either, let alone that there were dozens of him. The scary thing is that if they treat him like we treat our test rats then they must’ve run through thousands by now.”

Since the Sisks’ first exposure with the outside world, several have escaped and interacted with people on campus, including philosophy major Erica Gelnatt ’18.

“Yea, I’ve seen some of them around. Definitely saw one crawling out of a compost bin this morning with a whole stack of oatmeal raisin cookies,” Gelnatt said. “And I know that some of my friends were there when the Sisks broke into the DRC. I heard that by the time the cops showed up they had burrowed out. I mean, I don’t see what the big deal is—they aren’t hurting anyone. If we’re going to do anything we need to have a colloquium first, but I say just let ‘em be.”

Reports from the Sisk camp early this morning confirmed that the situation had deteriorated when one Sisk refused to give up the communal laptop that he was using after his allotted time had ended. When a rival gang came to force him off the computer, the room exploded into violence.

“From a sociological viewpoint the experiment is actually quite amazing. They’ve constructed a whole hierarchy, a society of opposing Sisks,” said sociology professor Danielle Gross.

“Of course, it is a little troubling that the whole operation wasn’t disclosed and I suppose it’s an ethical gray area, but ya know, Dupre seems to be a good home for them with the dark dampness and all that.”

The Sisks will remain in the 10K facility until enough host families come forward to house them. However PASSWORD (Parents And Students for Sisks Who Ought to Remain in Dupre) continues to hold sit-ins across Saint Paul advocating for a permanent Sisk-home in 10K. Newly promoted “Prime Chancellor of the English Language,” Marlon James, who is filling in for President Brian Rosenberg while he is in police custody, is expected to release a Facebook update on the situation by the end of the week.

Until then, it is now more important than ever that you don’t give ITS your password. The Sisks’ motives are still unknown.

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All Star Senior Chooses Spotify.

Second semester senior Tammy McDaniels has announced that she has subscribed to Spotify Premium. McDaniels, Phi Beta Kappa, is an avid music fan and Computer Science major but until now had not declared her streaming allegiance. In a statement Friday Tammy said, “You know, I held out as long as I could; I have a record collection and sometimes I even pirated music.”

When asked how she kept her bangers trending, “like everyone my age I use YouTube a lot, but everyone picks a streaming service eventually.” McDaniels didn’t make her choice blind though. “I got a taste for different types by using other peoples, my sister has Apple music and when Pablo dropped I got I trial of Tidal.”

Tammy plans on returning to live in San Francisco so she can stay near her parents. “I want to keep using their boat honestly. But the city is getting expensive and they’re not going to keep paying my rent forever.” That’s why Tammy, a straight-A student publishing a paper with a professor soon, is lucky to have landed a big post-grad job offer. “When they showed me my first year salary, that’s when I knew I was going Spotify Premium--I was on my phone as soon as I got out of the meeting.”

As we were ending the interview Tammy let me in on the secret to how the Swedish streaming service had seduced her subscription.

“At the end of the day music is about the artists and so I did it for the artists really.

I just thought “Spotify has the most artists.

When I’m on the boat after work this summer, I’m not gonna want to not have all the artists.” And that sealed it.

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Raise Your GPA with these Easy Tips!

-Wear horse blinders everywhere you go. Keep your eyes on the prize!

-Sleep with the Registrar and/or BriRo -Ask your classmates how they did on that test and always say you did better, then feel pressured to live up to the lie -Play Edward 40Hands but with books -Snort some addy before study seshes, then pop a couple benzos to ensure a good night’s sleep -Get seven hours of sleep every night, take thorough notes, go to office hours regularly, ask questions in class, utilize resources at the MAX center -Just fucking be better -Switch to a smaller major, like Russian Studies. They need majors so badly they’ll give you a 4.0 to keep you around

“Hey, you can’t smoke here!” exclaimed a Macalester student while on her way to her night class, after coming across an assumed fellow student smoking while cozily propped up against the dimly lit outside wall of the Janet Wallace Fine Arts Center.

“This is a smoking free campus--read the fucking big ass pavement stickers that are literally everywhere,” the student chided.

“Alright, alright, it’s chill. Don’t hate. I’m just trying to enjoy myself after a long day,” responded the smoker before taking one last spiteful drag and flicking his half-burnt Blue American Spirit loosey to the ground.

“Shit dude, you’d understand if you smoked,” mumbled the smoker while mashing the ashy remnants of the cigarette with the toe of his shoe.

“Say another word and I’ll report you to security,” the student said while walking away.

I’ll admit it, smoking is bad. However, to some, smoking is not merely an impulse but a necessity. My name is Brian Rosenberg. That smoker was me. My story is only one of many.

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Join the campaign to stop the bullying of smokers. #SmokersArePeople

I feel that I have been faced with a moral dilemma, a true test of my humanity, a monumental decision that one faces but a single time in their life: my housekeeper keeps stringing my guests up by their entrails but he also folds my bed with hospital corners.

I have thought often how unfair it is that I must make this decision, that I of all people have been selected for this Sophie’s Choice. Do I fire my housekeeper, Lucifo, and allow my bedsheets to hang loose from mattress, or do I keep him and spend every conscious moment living in paralyzing terror?

On the one hand, Lucifo has never missed recycling day. “How do you always remember Lucifo?” I ask, to which he responds: “shngis eonuffcts oloqefdcŦliesdsus”. On the other hand, Lucifo tears off the arms of my friends and family and has constructed a throne out of the severed appendages that he has placed in front of my bed. Despite reminders that he is not being paid overtime, Lucifo sits there and watches me while I sleep. I do not understand how he keeps getting in, as I barricade the door nightly.

Oh woe is me that I have arrived at such a fork in the road in which one route contains neatly folded hand towels placed daily beside the sink, and the other contains luncheons that do not end with my relatives being mutilated and carried away into a thick fog. I have discussed the matter with anyone who will listen and yet still no clear answer has surfaced. “Oh my god, please call the police or something, holy shit” says my therapist, “Jesus Christ why are you talking to me about this call the cops right now you fucking lunatic” says my lawyer, “My legs, where are my legs!?” says 14

my interior decorator. So you can see why I am so unsure.

Oh but the most painful part, yes the most excruciating of these unjust circumstances is that Lucifo dries the inside of the sink with a paper towel after use to prevent water damage, but also I let him outside once and he slaughtered every dog on my street, leaving their collars in a damp pile on my doorstep. I reminded him that this was not how Secret Santa worked as those collars were clearly from him, and then next year he left the pile under the doormat. And so you see another dilemma I must face: Lucifo is quick to embrace new ideas, but also he kills every dog in my neighborhood annually.

Sometimes as I lay awake in bed, Lucifo staring down at me while he chokes the life out of a small animal, I remember my life before all this. Going out to movies with my cousins; oh the way they used their still attached arms to carry those big tubs of popcorn that we could never finish. Inviting my friends over to watch the game, and yelling as they used their still attached arms to grab the last slice of pizza. Just looking at pretty much everyone I knew with their arms still attached. But also my stovetop was fucking filthy.

Other times as I lay awake in bed, Lucifo still staring down at me, setting a Bible on fire, I recall how he came to me. My home was a disaster, hand towels folded in a disorderly fashion, my sink streaked with watermarks, bed corners folded without a care in the world. Something needed to be done, and the someone to do it seemed only a pipe dream, my knight in shining armor who would forever remain just a hopeful figment of my imagination. Thank God for Angie’s List.

15

New Executive Order Ruins Life For Definitely Everyone This Time Among the flood of new executive orders signed by President Trump, the most recent one is turning heads. At approximately 1:30 PM EST on March 19th of 2017, Trump signed a new order: every morning, all Americans will henceforth be required to put on highly absorbent socks and step in a puddle of water which Chris Christie puts on their bathroom floor.

They are then duty-bound to wear the socks for the rest of the day. This measure will ensure that absolutely no individual will be exempt from being at least reasonably miserable under his regime.

“You know folks, I’ve been getting a lot of complaints about how I do my job recently -- it’s true,” Trump was quoted saying during a press conference shortly after the televised signing of the order. “People have been saying to me, ‘Donald, you’re amazing, you’re great, we love you, but some people have been saying--fake news I’m sure--that you’re making life difficult for many Americans.’ So I thought what better way to solve the problem than to level the playing field?”

Already the American public is up in arms over this added order from the cisgendered, heterosexual, upper-class, white male President, including individuals that were originally resigned to just “deal with it” for the next four years.

“I really didn’t see this coming,” said Jonathan Bradford ’19, a cisgendered, heterosexual, upper middle-class, Protestant, white male from Dallas, Texas with both his sun and moon signs tattooed on his bicep. “I saw everyone protesting and calling their senators about racist healthcare and bans on walls, and I figured that all we could really do was hunker down for the next four years.

But I totally get it now. I understand their pain. This executive order is definitely going too far, cuz like, what could be worse than wet socks all day every day? What if I get trench foot? And what if I want to wear flip flops?”

16 16

Future executive orders with similar goals such as these are rumored to be on the horizon, such as a ban on having a dick longer than the president’s. The president stated that he would take personal responsibility by doing all the measuring himself.

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98

“This is a very easy and no fail recipe for meatloaf.

It won’t take long to make at all, and it’s quite good!”

Ingredients 1 1/2 pounds ground beef 1 egg 1 onion, chopped 1 cup milk 1 cup dried bread crumbs salt and pepper to taste 2 tablespoons brown sugar 2 tablespoons prepared mustard 1/3 cup ketchup Directions Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).

In a large bowl, combine the beef, egg, onion, milk and bread OR cracker crumbs.

Season with salt and pepper to taste and place in a lightly greased 5x9 inch loaf pan, OR form into a loaf and place in a lightly greased 9x13 inch baking dish.

In a separate small bowl, combine the brown sugar, mustard and ketchup.

Mix well and pour over the meatloaf.

Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 1 hour.

For my Mother, Who Cannot Gander Xershberg

Farmer Josep

Thanks,

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In fact, while we’re on the subject of returning things, you have stolen the heart of my eldest daughter. She loves the green of your skin and the must of your folds. She loves the way you enjoy the pain of your people. She loves you, O Great, Goblin King. Could you let her down easy?

Since we’re asking for so much, where’s the harm in asking for a little more? We have beheld, O Great, Goblin King, the hugeness of your hoard. We do not ask for much, simply enough gold pieces that we can return to having Tuesday night poker. We have all been bankrupt by your incredibly generous taxation process, and we miss our weekly distraction from the toil of our lives.

While you’re at it, could we get our ox and plow back, too? Our lawns have grown long and untamed. The gnomes have started to nest in it. We see them, at night, as we dine on our saltines and flat seltzer, the sustenance provided to us by you, O Great, Goblin King. We see them and they taunt us, with their sharp teeth and pointy hats, and oh so trendy, little mushroom houses.

Could you return our livestock? Our sheep that baa, our cows that moo, the chickens that make chicken noises? We already know of your magnificence, O Great, Goblin King. We do not need to be reminded.

Dear O Great, Goblin King,

From the Desk of the Hopeful Feena Zuleihan

If Macalester sports teams had a basketball tourney:

(W) Basketball 1 Baseball 16 (M) Golf

8

(W) Water Polo 9 (M) Tennis 5 (M) Swimming 12 (W) X Country 4 (W) Tennis 13 (M) X Country (W) Frisbee

6

(W) Basketball (W) Basketball (W) Water Polo (W) Basketball (M) Tennis (M) Tennis (W) X Country Hegemonocle (W) Frisbee

11

Football

(W) Frisbee

3

(W) Swimming 14 Softball 7 (M) Frisbee

Football Hegemonocle (M) Frisbee

10

(M) Basketball

2

Hegemonocle 15

Hegemonocle Hegemonocle

.4 .6

.3

.5

.2

.21

.7 .1

.20

.8 .9

.22

.10 .11

.12

.14 .15

.33 .13 34 ..32

.16 . .35 31

.19 .17

.18 .27 36 ..30 37 ..

29

18

.28 .41 .38

.23 .24

.26 .25 .60 .51 .50 . .52 .595849 .48 .53 .54.55 ..

57 .42 .56 .47 .43 .46 .44 .45 .40.65 .39

.61

.62 .63

.64

Connect the dots... What could it be??

Cut Out Your Very Own Tarot Cards

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0 The Hegemonocle - The Fool

XIII The Spark - Death

IX

Chanter - The Hermit

II The Mac Weekly Two of Cups

XX David Sisk - The Protector

Macalester Football - The Lovers

Email Fraud - The Devil

XV

VI

X The Windmill The Wheel of Fortune

20