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[1]


fall.2011

volume 5.issue 1

A Comprehensive List of Names for Your Penis With additional commentary by Mickey Avalon

“The Iceberg” -Pros: The ability to say, “that’s just the tip of the iceberg, baby.” -Cons: Icebergs are cold and uncomfortably pointy. “Tiny” -Pros: Ironic false advertising. -Cons: Can add more disappointment to an already underwhelming experience. “(The) Great White” -Pros: Sounds like a huge badass shark. Sharks are the kings of the sea. -Cons: What kind of person wants a shark inside them? Wayyyyyyyyyyyyy to ethnocentric. “Tiger” -Pros: It sounds primal and aggressive. Great when used in conjunction with a ribbed condom that creates the illusion that your penis has stripes. -Cons: Your partner may be a big fan of Frosted Flakes (Though this could be dope). Tony the Tiger is generally pretty creepy. “The American Dream” -Pros: Works on a lot of levels (culturally, socially, politically). The chances that you will get some on the 4th of July are very high. -Cons: What kind of message are you sending if you think that the American dream comes in the form of a great penis? “The Ark” (Especially if your name is Noah) -Pros: Brings about flood imagery. You can use the pick up line, “You know in the Bible everyone who didn’t end up on Noah’s ark regretted it later.” -Cons: Bible references are often very “unchill.” “The Mona Lisa” -Pros: Simple, elegant, and everyone is constantly trying to get a glimpse of it. -Cons: The Da Vinci Code is one of the worst books in the history of literature. Fuck Dan Brown. “The Big Easy” -Pros: The “big” part. -Cons: The “easy” part. “The Shrine” - Pros: You can claim that your penis is venerated by followers from across the globe. -Cons: It sounds like a name someone might give their vagina.

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fall.2011

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First-year sexy training a rousing success Shaggy Ka-splooge! A spinning, greasy circular shape flies across the room and whacks you across the face. Your “friend” (douchebag neighbor) grins, points at you, says to his “friends” (people who tolerate him) “the look on his face when that condom hit him in the eye!” “Priceless.” Your “entire” floor (ok, some people) sits in a three-quarters circle around two sexy trainers sporting skimpy dresses and quite visible black lace bras, and a model of a phallus that they’ve named Hernando or some shit. (You think at least they could have thought of something more creative to name such a penis—like Scrawn Jeremy or Oscar Meyer Weiner or Grover Clevecock or something.) No one is excited for the event. People always wonder if sitting in a Dupre lounge could be any shittier of an experience. They now know… It can. The sexy trainers proceed to ask you questions about Mac students and their sexual tendencies. What percentage of the Mac student body uses condoms regularly? Nobody guesses for a while. The silence is painful. “10 percent,” you shout out. No one laughs. But since you’re the only person that guessed, they shower you with Hershey’s Kisses. “Let me reward you for attempting to be funny! At least you broke the silence.” The “model” (dildo with slight wear and tear) is passed around. You wonder why there is not a diversity of penis models—this is Mac, after all. You’re told not to look as people put condoms on the fake penis. But how can you not? It’s too funny. Out of the corner of your eye, you see the girl across the hall from you who never speaks open the packet with her teeth. You do a double take—what perfect condom-putting-on form. Now you know who you will be “dancing with” (dry humping) with at Kagin next weekend. By the time it gets to you, there is so much lube on the damn thing and your hands that you can’t get the condom packet open. You wipe the greasiness off on your pants, and open the packet. You are now as red as your “Consent is Mac” tshirt, and people have noticed that you’re taking an especially long time to put on the condom. How embarrassing. Kagin girl laughs silently. You’ve almost had an aneurism by the time they’ve explained to you (with visuals) how to use the “dental dam” (a glorified sheet of plastic) and the …rubber glove?... and explained—in quite graphic terms—various STDs. No wait—STIs: Sexually Transmitted Infections. (Why this is a necessary change is unbeknownst to all.) That’s when your RA starts asking extremely awkward sex related questions: Can you get Chlamydia from bestiality? How long does a rash need to last on your genitals before you should go to the Health and Wellness Center? Excuse me? Enough. You leave the room, eyes itchy, head spinning. The next morning, there is a note on your door. “Please report to 4th floor Sexy Training, as you did not finish ours.” Sincerely, your RA. In the corner of the note you can make out the faint outline of a paw print.

[3]


fall.2011

Campus Security Incident Blotter

Sunday 8:00AM-Campus Security personnel alarm clock goes off with buzzer. Snooze button pressed twice, pillow rotated slightly. 9:00AM-Responded to noise complaint outside Turck dormitory. First year student told to go the fuck back to sleep. 1:40PM-Car parked illegally on Macalester Street. Car towed to pawn shop on University Ave.

Monday 8:27AM-Long line in Café Mac. Line cut. 8:34AM-Omelet. 4:00PM-Armed robbery reported in Kagin Commons. Gunfire clearly audible. Campus Security walkietalkie turned off.

Student caught trying to bring out an extra piece of fruit. Tasered that MoFo. 3:05PM-Kicked that hairy freshman again, just to be safe.

Thursday 11:45AM-Responded to report of suspicious person in library.Told international student that in the US it is considered rude to stare at others. 12:00PM-Pagan ritual and animal sacrifice reported in Wallace dorm. Fuck, that’s the other side of campus. 12:02PM-Parties involved can probably resolve their own problems.

Wednesday

5:00PM-Responded to disturbance on football field. Large crowd gathering to watch rival gangs fight over a leather ball, likely filled with cocaine. Fight broken up with taser and crowd dispersed.

10:00AM-Holyshit,I think I just saw a bear.Oh shit

Friday

Tuesday 9:00AM-New via FedEx.

Xbox

arrives

10:03AM-Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. There’s a bear on Shaw field. 10:05AM-Nope, not a bear. Just a passed out, really hairy freshman. 10:06AM-Kicked hairy freshman just to be safe. 12:20PM-Responded to disturbance in Café Mac.

9:00PM-Responded to noise complaint in library. Couple copulating in the basement making too much noise. Asked if I could join in. Male said no, but Female seemed into it. 11:30PM-Broke up underage on-campus party. Iced four straight bros and confiscated a large volume of Smirnoff and Bud Light Lime.

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11:31PM-Shit, that’s a lot of alcohol. How the fuck did those guys get a keg? 11:37PM-What teh mprijofj dihslfk you wanna rkhlsf. Cheessssssse.

Saturday 12:00PM-The light, the light. Owwww, it burns. 1:30PM-Man observed puking on Alumni house front door. Observer told to respectfully fuck off. 4:00PM-President Brian Rosenberg is reported trapped under a giant marble statue of President Brian Rosenberg inside the new Janet Wallace arts building. 4:01PM-Laughter. 4:15PM-New Facebook photo album created. 4:30 PM Dug out President Brian Rosenberg from underneath giant statue of President Brian Rosenberg. Told him he should have made a statue of Kofi Annan instead.


Fall.2011

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Dirk Nowitzki Drops Rap Album [Jalen Rose] From former Phoenix Suns player Cedric Ceballos’s album “Nuff Ced” to Troy Hudson’s album “Undrafted” (released on his vaunted record label–Nutty Boyz Entertainment) some truly horrible rap albums have been released by NBA players over the years, however this is all set to change this November when Dirk Nowitzki is set to release his debut album “Ich bin ein Würzburger” roughly translated as (I am the best basketball player ever) The album is expected to be ground-breaking. It is projected to be one of the best albums of 2011, the best ever released by a European NBA player (Estonian Martin Müürsepp’s album Get CrUUnk is a distant second) The album is also projected to be the second best album ever released by an NBA MVP (Shaquille O’Neal’s rap album “Shaq Diesel” is widely accepted as the gold standard for NBA MVP’s rap albums).

Sample Verse: my name is dirk and this is my rap song. I’m a two sport athlete: bball and ping pong I get a pass and the I put it in the hoop I like to wear the shoes that have the swoop I like to win Maybe next year we’ll win again So I can have a fun time We me and all my friend

The album is has an extremely wide range of themes. It starts out on a light note with the song “One Legged Fade Away Jumper feat. Flamboyant” pays homage to Dirk’s patented basketball move. The album eventually touches on the darker side of Dirk’s upbringing. One song talks about the awkward experience of being 6’8’’ in 7th grade. Another song touches on the brutal Eastside Westside beef that engulfed Germany from 1945-1989. Although the album is almost free of personal attacks, the song “LBJ feat. Brian ‘The Janitor’ Cardinal” calls out Lebron James for his perceived lack of effort during the finals. Although the album has not been released people have not been shy about speaking their minds about it. Charles Barkley (notably afro-centric in his rap taste) said “Its going to be turrible!” Although it is not known whether he was talking about Dirk’s rap album or Hardees new low fat Thickburger. R&B diva Rihanna is much more excited about Dirk’s entrance into the hip hop world.”I am excited to have a new person to collaborate with. Plus, even if the album isn’t great it will still be better than having to listen to that dumb bitch Katy Perry sing about aliens and some other stupid shit.”

[Lemon]


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fall.2011

Fast and Furious 6 to Focus on Urban Horse Racing By: Roger Ebert Recently reported by E! Hollywood news and confirmed by producer/director Jayson Melbourne, the 6th and final movie in the lucrative The Fast &The Furious franchise will focus on the highly dangerous and increasingly high-profile underworld of urban horse racing. The project, tentatively titled “Fast & Furious 6: Horse Power,” will bring back F&F staple Vin Deisel as enigmatic bad boy Dominic Toretto, who, in the sixth installment, finds his license suspended for drunk driving and must turn to high stakes urban horse racing to generate the money for his subscription to Guns & Ammo magazine and to nurse an addiction to V-8 juice, his personal favorite. The movie will pair Deisel with actor Toby Maguire, famous for his roles as spider man and, perhaps not coincidentally, the jockey in the famous horse racing movie Seabiscuit. Maguire will serve as the onetime-dork-Toretto-cheated-off-in-scienceclass-in-high-school turned urban-horseracing-expert that gains Toretto’s respect after beating him in a horse race through Time Square. Furthermore, Maguire will purportedly show Deisel how to dangle a carrot attached to a pole and string in front of a horse’s face to generate maximum speed. All this leading to a refreshing perspective on male camaraderie and the homosocial relationship that remains unparalleled in other, stale Hollywood attempts to portray male friendships.

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fall.2011

In another unexpected twist, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, winner of Academy Award of best actor for his role in the movie Capote, will be brought in as the villain, Toretto’s mailman who, out of pure spite and resentment towards Toretto’s chiseled good looks, keeps burning Toretto’s renewal subscription forms for the aforementioned Guns & Ammo, much to the chagrin and puzzlement of Toretto. Lastly, Megan Fox was recently hired to play the role of leading romantic interest of Toretto, and her lines purportedly range from, “But what if you DON’T make it out alive” to “Don’t scare me like that” accompanied with a playful slap to Toretto’s shoulder followed by an intense session of unrestrained and steamy intercourse right there on the kitchen table, cause that’s the way Dom Toretto fucking roles. Early reports indicate that in 70% of her scenes Fox is shirtless and relies on only well-placed strands of hair to hide her nipples. Several blogs have already proclaimed Fox frontrunner for the Academy Award for either best female supporting actor or for Maxim’s “hottest chick that somehow is still getting roles in movies outside of Transformers” award. Paul Walker has been relegated to soundboard. Extremely handsome, sinfully smooth soundboard operator. Although Paramount Pictures declined to comment on this article, director Melbourne promises that that some of the highlights include, “Deisel leaping from his horses back onto the horseback of police officer’s horse and snapping the police officer’s neck all in one move, Deisel buying a bomb ass black stallion from Ludacris and getting mad vaginal action directly due to his new shiny horse, and some sort of pseudo-erotica involving Deisel, Fox, A horse, and a distinct high pitched whiny, though it’s unclear where the whiny originates.” Summer 2012 just got a whole lot more promising.

[Labor Day]


fall.2011

volume5.issue1

Odd Future Comes to Mac By Jim Hoppe

Earlier this week heralded the arrival of Macalester’s most recent celebrity transfer, the rap collective entitled Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All. Although the group was questioned by many for having neither academic qualifications nor any record of service to society, the admissions staff replied “Have you even heard any of their mixtapes? Shit’s dope as hell.” Upon receiving his acceptance letter at home in Los Angeles, front man Tyler the Creator is reported to have said only “Swag.” While moving into a single in Dupre Hall—the only room available—on Monday, members of the rap collective joined freshmen outside the dormitory to shoot craps and break beer bottle and later stole the hubcaps from the their own tour bus. Their first lunch in Café Mac was marked by the t-bagging of Harold and stern refusal to put away their backpacks. As the week went on, members of the group spent time in between classes heavily participating in campus culture. Activities included busting mad kickflips outside the Campus Center, tagging the sides of venerable Old Main, and spitting flows with the African Music Ensemble. A Kagin dance on Saturday night erupted in a mosh pit to the group’s music—resulting in only about half the physical injuries and emotional scarring of a typical “Office Hoes and CEOs” Kagin event. After the first week, the gang was asked about college life. Several stated their interest in study abroad programs to Samoa, explaining it by shouting “Free Earl” repeatedly. Tyler the Creator had this to say about his plans for the rest of the semester: “I look forward to pursuing an active involvement in MPIRG and other channels for civic engagement.” He also expressed excitement about declaring a major in Women’s, Gender and Sexuality Studies.

Top Ten Things on Campus That Frighten First-Years 10. Walking from Dupre to Doty at 10:30 pm 9. Being caught taking an apple from Café Mac 8. RA’s knowing you’re drunk 7. Someone stealing your towel while you shower 6. People that didn’t sign the consent contract 5. Cops at Belfry/Dayton & Fry 4. People personally asking you to sign their damn club email list 3. Hearing your RA have sex 2. Inevitable cold weather 1. That dude with the stache and the sleeve tattoos

[8]


Fall.2011

Key: 1. Group of jocks waiting for a grind piece (bro, you can’t just dance with dudes.. what will people think..) 2. The result of someone taking bodyshots off their RA 3.A gaggle of girls just tryna have a #gurlznightout 4. Speaker humping 5.Someone losing their virginity

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6.Someone shit on the coats 7. PF deciding what college to go to, Kagin is deciding factor 8. Freshman girls making out for at tention 9. No one caring 10. Winner of power hour 11.Sperm 12. LARP battle

13.Dance battle 14. No one caring still 15.Sober kids… 16.Hipsters complaining about the mainstream light show: “honestly, neon lights? We did that shit two years ago” 17.Pants 18. Someone caught in the curtain 19.Terry Gorman dropping it low


fall.2011

volume5.issue1

Palin Abandons Presidential Race to Chase Other Black Guys [Lisa Leslie]

After much speculation over whether or not she would pursue the republican nomination Sarah Palin recently announced that she would not enter the presidential race. When asked what she would be doing in lieu of a campaign she responded quite emphatically, “I will spend my time doing what god put me on this earth to do… finding, wooing and having depraved nameless sex with as many NBA players as possible. “ Palin’s true passion in life was revealed a few weeks ago when a story broke saying that Palin had a one night stand with former NBA player and then University of Michigan basketball player Glen Rice. Although Palin has declined to confirm or deny they claim, glenn Rice when asked about the incident responded with a sly “Yeah, I tapped that.” After being questioned further about her reasons for not pursuing the GOP nomination Sarah said, “I really just don’t see how arguing with Rick Perry, Mitt Romney and Michelle Bachmann for the right to lose to Obama in 2012 will help me when I am trying to win the temporary affection of Sam Cassel.” Palin continues, “Campaigning doesn’t even pay, how am I supposed to afford to buy Zach Randolph his drink of choice: the [Dock]

Bahama Mama??” “Also, with all the demands on my time, how will I be able to get with the legendarily difficult to fuck Zydrunas Ilgauskas?!” Palin’s decision not to run has elicited mixed responses. Tea Party activist Rush Drillbit offered this: “I am very disappointed that she is not running, especially for such a loathsome reason… She should stop gallivanting with NBA players and learn to unwittingly suck corporate dick like the rest of us.”

[Insert NBA lockout joke here.]

Bill Clinton doesn’t quite understand her apprehension. He offers this: “I don’t know what she’s so worried about…I banged like half of the WBNA during my second term alone.”


fall.2011

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Equivalence Point (where shit gets crazy)

[11]


Fall2011

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Macalester College Moves to Cuba Perez Hilton

Last week after a meeting of heated discussion, the Macalester administration decided to move the college to a new location in Cuba. The decision comes after a brutal winter that students described as “lasting longer than my walk to Olin Rice in the snow but now quite as long as my three hour Geocinema class that followed”. Brian “Pabst Blue Ribbon” Rosenberg stated, “Personally I was really tired of students bitching and complaining about how cold it was. It seems that every time I saw two students who were slightly acquainted and were attempting to make small talk, all they would do was complain about how cold it was”. Rosenberg himself had his own gripes with the weather. He told reporters the weather prevented him from “getting his tan on” while “pounding brews on the Kagin lawn” and playing bocce all to the soundtrack of the most recent Dave Matthews Band Album (althought witnesses claim he is just listening to “Crash Into Me” on repeat). Macalester’s new Caribbean location will be a major shift from the twin cities, but, according to the administration, will be surprisingly good fit. One Macalester board member stated, “Ya, I don’t know if you heard, but Cuba is a foreign country. Now we are internationalist without even trying. In fact, we’re trying to get more kids from Minnesota, spice things up a little down here.” Along with internationalism, there will be abundant opportunities to explore civic engagement, but absolutely no sustainability. Another board member added, “I am really excited to become the fighting commies. It just seems like a much more relevant mascot compared to the fighting Scotts.” Macalester students should expect warmer weather in this new location, but also a variety of other changes to the college. Students should anticipate losing many basic political freedoms, experience human rights violations, and be monitored heavily by the government. Terry Gorman will be creating a secret police force known as the “Gazpacho” that will crack down on student protest as well as complaining. In addition Cafe Mac will only be serving Cuban Sandwiches. Terry told reporters, “If I here a little froshduster whining about how it is I will just tell him, ‘bitch do you know where you are?’ He’ll know what to do from there.”

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Fall2011

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Some things will stay the same. Dupre Hall will be flown to Cuba via helicopter. This is because “we wanted to preserve the freshman experience and it’s hurricane proof ” said one administrator. Work studies will also be still implemented, but students might find themselves working as bookies for chicken fighting operations or being Fidel Castro’s personal pub trimmer. Also, Cuba does not have any squirrels, but rather troves of hustlers that will roam campus selling students reggae albums at absolutely remarkable prices. The move has been controversial raising numerous questions. What will happen to Old Main? Is this the Bay of Pigs all over again? Whatever does happen it can be concluded that Macalester has gone “internationalist as all heck.” Macalester College, founded in 1874, is a national liberal arts college with a full-time enrollment of 1,985 students. Macalester is nationally recognized for its long-standing commitment to academic excellence, internationalism, multiculturalism and civic engagement. In 2011 Macalester College moved to Cuba and all hell broke loss.

[Finneaeaes]


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fall.2011

Freshman Needs To Leave Her Dorm

(Benjamin Franklin)

In a shocking report the Daily Piper announced last week that Agnes Thurmrod hasn’t left her room since school began a month ago. When recently questioned on how she manages it, and why she gave the reply “Oh, you know. Facebook takes up a lot of time when you are a serious user like I am. These plebeians don’t know what they are doing.” “Yes , I guess it’s like kinda creepy.” Her roommate Janet Fullbits commented, “Like I wake up and she’s there, I get back from class she’s there. What’s worse is she won’t even leave when me and Arnaldo have our ‘alone time’. She just sits there and watches…never blinking…just staring.” Agnes doesn’t see a reason for all the panic. “Yea I would leave if I wanted to, but I really don’t need to. I made a lot of friends through Farmville. I got a lot of neighbors on there, lots of people to help me harvest my corn and milk my cow if I’m tied down playing Bejeweled. Also, people on this floor just understand my dark deep troubles like the guys on my LiveJournal. I started using Skype too ever since I got that second computer to connect with myself.” According to reports, Agnes has thrown over fifty parties in her room so that Bon Appetit would cater them, although she was the only person on the guest lists and decided not to even give herself a plus one. She has not been seen around campus much, even walking between classes, but the rumors of a gremlin in the air ducts have started to surface among the janitors at the school. Though Agnes hasn’t made much of an impression of herself there is a general consensus about her from her floormates. “Who? I think you have the wrong floor, I’ve never heard of her.”

[14]


fall.2011

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FRESHMAN GETS FULL NIGHT OF SLEEP [trevor reznik]

Sources report that last Wednesday night, Dylan “The Next Tony Yayo” Snarkleton, first-year extraordinaire, finished all of his homework for the next day, and decided to finally get his nine hours for the first time since his arrival to 1600 Grand Ave. “I hadn’t gone to bed before 1 AM since before I got here! It was terrible, but now that I’m rested I don’t feel sick any more!” comments Diligent. He apparently had tucked himself in and bid a good night and a sleep tight to his jealous roommate by 11:15 PM, ready to awake at 8:45 sharp so he had ample time to get to his 9:40 first-year course. “I can’t wait until I’m a senior and I can sleep all the time since they have like no classes ever,” says Snarkleton. When we asked other first-years to weigh in on the Snarkleton situation, we received mixed responses. “What?! That fucker—I was up until TWO THIRTY doing my international studies essay, and I had to get up at FOUR for my Bio-Chem-Psych Lab!” responded one first-year. “Only 9 hours? Dude I got ten the other night without even trying. Mac’s so easy,” reacted another. Snarkleton, the sultan of sleep himself, was nice enough to provide some tips on how to get on a good routine. “Manage your time well. And eat healthy—don’t forget about your Vitamin C! We don’t want a nasty cold on our hands,” advises Diligent. “Be proactive with your schoolwork – if you’re having to decide between studying alone in your room and studying in the lounge with other people, you’re already in the wrong mindset. Don’t talk to other people unless your work is done and there’s still time before lights out. Get your priorities straight – don’t be afraid to go out with friends (on weekends), but if you have a lot of work to do, hit the books and go to bed early—I find some of my best work is done pre-Saturday brunch after going to bed at 8:30 Friday.” Diligent, however, had more to add: “It’s not all fun and games once you get on an optimal sleep cycle. Now that I’m getting all the Z’s I need, it actually sucks because I no longer can complain about not getting enough sleep! It’s torture. I’ll be sitting in Café Mac, ready to enjoy a wholesome meal, and then all my friends talk about is how they didn’t get to sleep until 1:45. I feel like my need for sleep is causing me to not be able to complain with the rest of my class. I just don’t know what to do anymore.” Here are some final tidbits from Diligent: “Starting to feel like a little space cadet? Been sitting for just far too long? Need a break but want to keep your mind stimulated? • Keep yourself fueled and eat an apple! • Straighten your roommate’s messy desk. He’ll appreciate it and your work area will be more organized. • Brush your teeth; gotta keep it fresh. • Do a few Kegels. Loosen up those hips!” Lastly, Snarkleton commented on his new, sleep-maximizing state of mind: “Books, highlighters, a comfy bed, and some soft, smooth Barry White to set the mood. That’s really all you need.” [1]


fall.2011

volume 5.issue 1

Homework Helper Dear, sweet atoms of the great Macalester molecule - allow me to introduce myself. To those of you who know me already, no applause is necessary. For those who do not, my name is Doctor Professor. Given the genius that I am, my time should be worth roughly two percent of the US national debt for every minute I’m alive. However, since I do not earn anything even approaching one millionth of that figure, I find it necessary to supplement my income by answering your questions about things that you were too dense to figure out when your teacher taught them to you in class. While it pains me to waste my time on such trifling matters, there is nothing trifling about the salary that the Hegemonocle pays its writers. So now that you know where I’m coming from, I encourage you to send me your questions, but God help you they had better be good.

Doctor, For my biology honors thesis, I’m trying to cross breed a hamster with a particularly deadly variety of killer bees (in vitro, naturally). However none of the resulting ‘beesters’ have been able to fly more than two meters before becoming exhausted and dying. Could you make any recommendations for gene therapies I may try in order to create the army of killer beesters that I want and deserve? -Bees Knees Beanie, About the atrocities that you claim to have committed so unabashedly against nature, I can say just one thing: well done! Too often have scientific pursuits been quashed by cries of “immoral” this, “ungodly” that and “depraved lunatic” the other. I commend you on your backbone and your unwillingness to bend under the crushing pressure of society. As for your query, I can’t think of anything off the top of my head. Feel free to peruse my paper in January’s issue of Nature magazine about the stingray-Steve Harvey hybrid I created last June. Or stop by my office to get inspiration from one of my prized pet pinecone-fish. -Dr. Professor

Dear Professor, In my American studies class, we have been talking about issues such as race, gender, slavery…it’s all very depressing. I was just wondering if you could recommend a class to me that would talk about current events like Lady Gaga and Ke$ha. That’s the America I want to study! -Pop goes the culture Pop… …goes my patience. I, the great Dr. Professor – intellectual giant of my time, comparable to Einstein and Newton in their own eras – do not work in the registrar’s office as you seem to believe I do. I work in the realm of science! Just as I learned not to seek my scientific supplies at the grocery store after they told me they don’t stock liquid nitrogen, so too should you learn to take your queries to a more appropriate domain. That said, the Wikipedia pages on both of the “events [sic]” you’ve listed lead me to the conclusion that a developmental psychology class may be the most likely class to study them. -Dr. Professor


fall.2011

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Senator, Why do we need another coal-burning power plant in Wayne County? We already make more than enough electricity with the four we already have. We didn’t elect you to destroy all of our state’s natural beauty. Save the trees, the animals, and your own integrity by cancelling the new power plant before it is too late. -Seeds of Compassion Seedy, Your concern is duly noted, but I firmly believe that you meant to send this letter to Senator Doctor Professor (no relation) – the senator from Wyoming. I am the great doctor and professor, whose name just happens to also be Doctor Professor. Yes, I did legally have my name changed to this. And no, I’ve never regretted it. -Dr. Doctor Professor Kind Doctor, I am having great difficulty mastering one of the pieces that we are playing in the Macalester orchestra this year. I’m a mediocre violin player at best, but this piece calls for a professional. Since you seem to know so much about so many things, could you meet up with me sometime and help me work on some of the more complicated passages? -Treble trouble Tribble, I’m a very busy man, but if you stop by this Thursday evening I can teach you what I know about String Theory. I’m sure it will help. -Dr. Professor

Benjamin Button


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Fall.2011

Construction of New Art Building Delayed “Until Hell Freezes Over”

Sad news for Macalester’s art community: construction on the new Janet Wallace Fine Arts Center has been put on hiatus due to “budget difficulties.” Macalester College apparently overestimated its financial resources for the 2012 fiscal year by a rather large margin and will have to cut the renovation project out of its budget entirely. President Brian Rosenberg had this to say on the subject: “Yeah we really dropped the ball on that one. But it was either that art thing or my new hot tub with the massaging jets, so I chose the one that makes me feel all tingly.”

According to Macalester’s Budget Department, the budget was short of its quota by about $75,000. Embezzlement has not been ruled out and the St. Paul Police Department issued a statement yesterday saying, “It’s too early in the investigation to name names, but we did receive reports of Former MCSG President Owen Truesdell crossing the Canadian border with a burlap sack over his shoulder and a large grin on his face. He was also reportedly muttering to himself something along the lines of ‘hehehe there was no surplus, bitches!’”

Until the investigation comes to an end, however, it looks as though Macalester College may be left with an unfinished construction site in the middle of its campus. Several attempts by the school to raise money have been met with limited success, including an all-vegan bake sale hosted by Bon Appétit. “We had a shit ton of croissants left over from last semester we tried to sell, but we just couldn’t move them,” said one Café Mac employee.

Left with no other options, the college has turned construction of the site into a new workstudy job. Effective next semester, door monitors, shoe shiners, Leonard Center card-swipers, and all other students who provide the most minimal of labor in their work-study will continue winter construction. So what will happen to the site in the meantime? Well, as part of its community outreach programs, Macalester has decided to open up access to the building as a playground and gathering space for the neighborhood kids, which makes it Macalester’s first literal “social construct”. True to its purpose, the site has already hosted many a game of sharks and minnows between the kids and the local homeless population. President Brian Rosenberg had this to say on the subject: “It feels great to have fostered such a close-knit community. I’m really proud of what we’ve accomplished here.” Current state of the Janet Wallace Fine Arts Center.


fall.2011

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How Macalester Students Spent Their Summer Vacation

graph compiled by the experts at jumpstart!college [ :P ]


fall.2011

volume5.issue1

A BRIEF MEMORANDUM REGARDING MY NEWEST SINGLE “HI HATERS” -BY TOBIAS B HANESWORTH

Hi Haters! (I see you (you think I don’t, but, of course I do (It’s not that I actually see you, but more of I C U(Like I can see right through you (yes, I mean you MaRiJuAnA~iNhAlEr57, stop leaving such unconstructive comments on my youtube page!!!!!!!!))))) Anyways, I digress.

Weezy- you short, but I see you. Grandma- call me back bitch The Eight Billion people who aren’t on my myspace page Book of Faces—for reducing my myspace fans by 34% (I tried to make an account but couldn’t figure it out) Now, y’all know I just dropped my newest The Egyptian Public (Why you mad tho?) single on my Myspace page, (www.myspace/ChitPeople with tinted shade tyChittyGangBang/NewMusicYallProductions/ United Arab Emirates—(I bet you thought I couldn’t TobyBWorth-it). Toby B Worth-it is my rap name, see you (cause you small (but I can (cause you habut if you couldn’t tell then just fucking give up. tin’ (and you mad tho)))) New Music Y’all is the label and Chitty Chitty Gang NAACP—for not giving me insert whatever award Bang is just a little something I threw in for the you want here cause I should have swept that shit. ladies, ya dig? Hahahahahahah. Mississippi Clocks Any-mother-fucking-ways, Gary Busy (why you mad tho?) the single is Hi Haters! Cause I’m saying hi to the haters, ya For those who forgot, here is my Mysdig? It’s not really like a whatspace page. (www.myspace/IndianaJonesTup-grammy-something-smellsempleofPoon /NewMusicYallProductions/ good-what’s-in-the--stove hi but TobyBWorth-it). That Indiana Jones and more of a I SEE YOU DON’T The Temple of Poon is just there for the THINK I DON’T hi. The probladies, ya dig? Hahahahaha. Anywho, I lem is that haters be sprouting up dropped like three albums I recorded right everywhere and the more love here in my living room/kitchen/recordand respect you get the more hating studio and I sent them to all the record ers come right back at you. For labels but my hand writing is real sloppy example, I get like 17 plays on so they probably didn’t get them. So I sent my Myspace page last week and them again but my mailman is always all of a sudden some dude named buggin and hating and stealing my rhymes SlutDevilTits drops a comment like, “this is just you so he probably snatched those up. Then I sent them talking over the beat to ‘Gold Diggers’”. First of all, again but I forgot the return address so its whatever. I’ve never heard of that song, so get on my fucking I don’t need a label. I’m gonna do a drake and blow level. Secondly, so what if it is, that’s called recyup before I get one. cling? Third, that’s just what my flow sounds like, “Don’t give up. Don’t ever never give up. me talking. Whatever. Fourthly, get on my fucking Sometimes you wake up, look in the mirror, level. and think, Ok world, its time to get off my back and onto my nuts.” Geez all these haters get me tired and shit. Let’s -Me do roll call. HI HATERS: Kanye-I see you [$] Drake-I see you


fall.2011

volume5.issue1

PAUSE: Things I just did in the last fifteen minutes: Drank like 5 four lokos. Made love to your girl Vomited up like 5 four lokos. Tivoed One Tree Hill Google Imaged “Left butt cheeks” and did what you might be thinking I did….put the best one as my wallpaper. Dropped another single (remix to Hi Haters!) Made love your girl Walked the dog (Yeah, even I walk dogs) Read some Dickens Made love to your girl Let’s talk about Youtube. First of all, obligatory fuck you to Vevo, cause when they pick up my music videos they gonna censor that shit and everybody and their mammas know that that can’t happen. Let’s talk about Sarah Jessica Parker, or more specifically, Carrie Bradshaw, her character in Sex and the City. Wouldn’t it be cool if Carrie was real and her column in the New York Star was real and I could just like bump into her on the sidewalk and be like holy shit its Carrie Bradshaw who writes for the New York Star I love your column I’m an avid reader do you watch Sex and the City (only this would be an accident and by referencing the TV show that existed in another universe I would accidently open a space time continuum and Carrie and Sarah would switch but then I couldn’t watch Sex in the City anymore so never mind I don’t want this anymore.) Let’s talk about Haters. They’re always so mad. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Sorry this Carrie Bradshaw/ Sarah Jessica Parker thing got me all messed up. I’m out.

[456]


fall 2011

NUDITY: An Exposé

volume 5. issue 1

[anthony weiner]

The Macalester community has been shocked recently by what can only be described as an outbreak of nature all across campus. The number of Mac students who just can’t seem to keep their pants on has more than tripled since last fall semester. This reporter has risked life, limb and lingerie to get you the skinny on this sudden surge of skin. “I’m not going to dress this up at all – it’s an ugly thing,” warned Director of In Vestments, Ms. Bea Fabulous. “It’s the freshman, mainly. They’re experiencing a whole new level of freedom in their lives that they have chosen to express in their clothing choices. Or lack thereof.” I asked one sophomore, Phileas Fidge-Fudge ’14, about his views on the recent streak of streaking. “It’s an absolute atrocity,” claimed FidgeFudge. “I mean, I saw, like, twelve naked dudes in the locker room at the Leonard Center. It’s a stark reminder that we can’t turn our backs on nudity for a moment, lest it sneak up behind us in the showers.” Fidge-Fudge’s story of locker room lewdness has been confirmed independently on several counts, with some witnesses claiming to have seen upwards of seventeen naked men in the gym’s locker room. However not all incidents have occurred on such a large scale. Many isolated reports of student nudity – referred to by some as ‘studity’ – have been revealed in various corners of campus. “So I was just taking a leak in a bathroom in Olin-Rice, right? And this guy comes up beside me and unzips his fly!” gushed Rob Rubbles ’12. “I was taken completely off-guard. I may have to go back to exclusively using the toilets in the stalls, if only for the sake of a little decency from my fellow peers.” Some skeptics claim that all of this is a natural part of students exploring themselves and their environment while they build their adult personalities in college. However, the raw facts tell a very different tale. A recent study conducted by the University of Minnesota shows unequivocally that all manner of crooks and criminals have had one thing in common – nudity. “All rapists, murderers, arsonists and adulter-

ers… They were all naked at some point in their lives,” said Dr. Jean Genie, Professor Emeritus of Public Anatomy at the U. “If you’ve ever found yourself disrobed, even one time in the privacy of your own home, you should seek professional help immediately. Otherwise you may as well turn yourself in to the proper authorities for the crimes that you will no doubt commit in the near future.” According to some students the problem on campus is getting more severe. “I was totally gonna’ bang this bangin’ babe,” claimed Chad Hunter ‘13, a self-proclaimed bro. “Suddenly she took off all her clothes right in front of me, then made me take off mine! I was so shocked, I couldn’t fight back. I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.” Most shocking of all, however, are the increasing reports of accidental self-nudity. “I was in the shower, minding my own business and just scrubbing myself, when I looked down and saw that I wasn’t wearing anything at all” detailed one student who preferred to remain nameless. “I was so shocked! But the real kicker – when I thought back to previous showers, I had the distinct feeling that they may all have been conducted au naturel as well.” She added, “does that mean I’m a bad person?” Despite the seemingly endless barrage of bare bodies, Ms. Fabulous is hopeful that we will soon see a decrease in the current profusion of porn. “Everyone has to watch their own back.” Just remember: nudity is always following you, lurking no further away than just under your clothes.”


Fall.2011

volume5.issue1

SCARY!

How much oatmeal you eat

Your chances of dating Megan Fox

How big your penis is

How much I want to see your penis

How big your penis is

How big your penis is

Frequency of unprotected fencing (Olympic or otherwise)

11 Bowls per day

How big your penis is

How big your penis is

How big your penis is

Penis Size: An Exhausting Study

“Moderately Huge�

How big you say your penis is

How much you talk about your dick

How much Charles Dickens you read

How big your penis is

How big your penis is

How big your penis is

Pauly D

The number of letters in your last name

Usage of hair gel

*Research compiled by Stanford University over the fall break weekend of 1984


volume5.issue1

fall.2011

Macalester Challenges Hetero-normative Role, Men Use Ellipticals [clay steinman] Upon the opening of the Leonard Center in 2008, the vision of the building focused on transforming the extraordinarily lanky, emaciated, boney, toothpick-limbed, waif like male student body into prodigious weightlifting, whey drinking, muscle shirt wearing machines. This campaign championed by Kim Chandler’s desire to establish a true “scot nation” has undoubtedly failed (just ask Princeton Review, any PF, or current student). After the demise of the initial mission and ubiquitous uncertainty about the future of the 175,000 square foot athletic complex, a developing transformation within the LC has captured the attention of nation. What many are calling nothing short of a gender revolution, the increased number of men using the elliptical machines has been cited as the newest form of challenging gender heteronormativity. While elliptical machines are made specifically for college women hoping to not raise their heart rate, avoid gaining any muscle, while simultaneously burning “like I don’t know, maybe like a thousand calories” (Emma, Saint Thomas, freshman), the increased use by the male population has made us all question, “are these machines sexist.” A nation wide survey found that throughout America the distribution of elliptical users is as follows: Anorexic Women: ages 18 - 34 Pregnant Women (limited in allowed physical activity) Macalester College Male Student Body Entire Male Population

One observer of the recent phenomenon comment, “it is unclear whether Macalester men are so weak that they can’t handle the treadmill or if they truly believe that they look athletic as a hunchback. Whether deliberate or not, these men are calling into question ossified gym gender roles.” When the Hegemonicle attempted to get statements from some of the revolutionaries themselves, each replied along the lines of “dude, can’t you see I’m working out here?!” This was surprising for our reports to hear since from the looks of it, there was little cardio, sweating, elevated hear rate or physical activity taking place. Macalester club “Mac Reclaims Masculinity,” otherwise known as MR. M, has attempted to take credit for this recent development. Contrary to MR. M’s statements, no elliptical uses have indicated any type of affiliation, or knowledge of existence of said organization.

56% 32% 3.9999% .001%

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Hege: Vol. 5 Issue 1  

Hegemonocle - Fall 2011

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