Hege: Vol. 1 Issue 1

The Macalester Hegemonocle Volume 1, Fall 2009

Co-Czar In Chief.......................................................Mikey Freedman Co-Czar In Chief.......................................................Dan Rocklin Bohemian

The Franchise

Katie Campbell

Jonathan Gershberg

Newspaper Mogul

Chief Embezzler

Dan Kerwin

Sher Afgan Tareen

Eye Candy

Token Texan Joey Mayer

Matt Kusner

Kangaroo Trainer Ryan Kerwin

Solum potestis prohibere ignes silvarum

Gang Violence Erupts at Klezmir Music Awards Schlemiels Cause Chaos

News Section

By Boob Woodward Dec. 12 2009

F

or almost a hundred years the annual Klezmer Music Awards, sponsored by Klez magazine has been the pride and joy of the Burrough Park, Brooklyn. Klezmer musicians from all corners of Brooklyn come and attend the fabled KMA’s held this year within the local Jewish Community Center reception hall, following Jacob Levowitz’s bar mitzvah party.

But unfortunately this year the awards have witnessed the most atrocious act in recent Klezmer history, when gang violence broke out during the awards ceremony.

Murrey Shmendlebaum was receiving his award for “Best New Nasally Voice of the Year”, when Moishe Rosebloom took out his gat, proceeded to yell “THUG LIFE!” while bustin various, uncircumcised caps into his punk ass. Shmendlebaum was injured, but was able to fire off numerous blasts of his sawed off shot gun into the crowd in retaliation. Rosenbloom, later identified as a member of the notorious Babka Boys who have been in a malicious gang war with their rival the Ruff Rabbis, which Shmendlebaum was reportedly a part of. The gangs had been fighting for years over the rights to the lucrative black market kugel trade, as well as the underground kosher pickle market.

This would not be the first time gang related violence has plagued the klezmer music awards.

Klemzniks would tell of when Joshua Bloomenfeld who was brutally

stabbed to death by Juda Goldberg in an attempt to avenge the death of Shlomo Gershbergawitzsteinnmanstien whose body was riddled with arsenic tipped, armor piercing bullets.

Musicians from all genres and styles have been repulsed by the Klezmer communities disrepair and destruction. Ice Cube has been a vocal member of a group of musi-

cians determined to bring peace to the Klezmer industry. He states “I haven’t ever seen anything this repulsive. Death is constantly knocking on the klezmer musician’s door, and its just unacceptable.” Sufjan Stevens, also a member of the group added: “yo dat shit is all messed up and shit, man. Its fucking wack and shit, nah meen?”

The president of the Klezmer Music Association gave this statement in response; “this is an atrocity. I will work my hardest to ensure that future Klezmer players will not have to live in fear of getting their kneecaps blown off by glocks or necks beat with brass knuckles. The stereotype of violent Klezmer music must be stopped.”

This only furthers the pain of the music community which is still reeling from the merciless rampage unleashed upon the Newport Folk Festival when the Fleet Foxes brandished grenade launchers hidden within their beards and fired into the audience, killing two well-respected marijuana dealers in the process. All who have perished shall surely be missed.

There is a memorial service for the deceased will be held on Thursday. Noshes will be served.

Hot Trends on Campus This Month:

We find everything from the newest threads to the hottest shades to the latest dances (it’s krumping, btw)

Style

By Emile Durkheim Dec. 12 2009 Trend 1: Eating dinner between hours of 5 pm and 7:30 pm

In a recent campus wide survey, a surprising 98 percent of students interviewed said that, on days that they

actually eat dinner, they tend to consume their evening meal between the hours of 5 pm and 7:30 pm. The psychology department is conducting a study to determine what particular traits are shared in common between college students that could be causing this behavioral trend – early results are attributing the trend to prolonged exposure to cell phone radiation.

Wearing shoes to class If you look around in any of your classes, you’ll notice that most of your classmates will be wearing shoes.

It is unclear why so many people have been wearing shoes when the college doesn’t have a mandatory policy to wear shoes to class, but there seems to be a correlation between wearing shoes and a desire to have warm feet. Last Thursday Kyle Stapleton forgot to put on shoes as he left his dorm room to go to class and noticed that the walk from Dupre to Olin Rice was a particularly painful experience. During class he was seen massaging his feet on his desk, prompting stares from his classmates. All of his classmates were wearing shoes.

Trend 2 Saying “I found it interesting” in casual conversations After hearing the phrase ceaselessly in the classroom, students taking mainly discussion based classes have been heard using the phrase all around campus. Last week Matt Johnson, an anthropology major, was heard saying to Lauren Kim, “I found it interesting to see you in Café Mac yesterday, I haven’t seen you in ages!

I’d find it interesting to see you at the soccer game tonight.” Kim, a history major, replied that it would indeed be interesting to go to the game later, and that she found it interesting to see that Johnson’s fly was undone.

Trend 3: Drinking non-alcoholic beer at parties It turns out that the majority of students of campus go to parties because they really enjoy the taste of beer, not because they have any desire to get drunk. Recent partygoers have confessed that all they really want at parties are in depth conversations, with a mild level of grooving to softly played music on the side, with a smooth non-alcoholic brew nestled in their hand. Partygoers preferring mixed drinks over beer have noticed that they get pretty much the same taste by forgoing the vodka from their mixed drinks. “No, you’ve got it all wrong, nobody likes those non-alcoholic things, they only ever want the hard stuff,” frequent partygoer Jade Fuller said sarcastically. “No, I’m not being sarcastic, people come to parties just to get wasted out of their minds,” she added, also sarcastically.

Hot Trends on Campus This Month (Contd.)

Doing Homework on Saturdays Students have realized that trying to cram all their work in on Sundays has become far too stressful, prompting some students to start thinking outside the box and commence their work a “ridiculous” two full days before their next classes. The idea has been described both as “ludicrous” and “crazy,” but since students who have been trying it are seeing their amount of work completed on weekends almost double, the trend is slowly catching on. This has also led the way for another new trend: students who would have normally spent all day Saturday unconscious are choosing to spend some of the day awake.

Bunnies Despite freezing temperatures and in utter disregard to any common sense they may have, if indeed any, bunnies have still been seen scampering around campus. It appears that year after year the campus bunnies are making riskier and riskier winter time decisions, such as staying out in the cold too long, jumping into traffic on roads at nighttime, excessive cases of the munchies and breaking into dorm rooms and stealing stashes of weed. The latter has been given as a possible reason for the other strange behavioral habits. Students have been wondering why the bunnies are behaving like this rather than just doing “whatever the hell bunnies usually do during the winter.”

Winter clothing Thick coats and warm gloves have suddenly become the hottest fashion items on campus, a trend that has been attributed by some to the gradual decline in temperatures and general “wintry” weather we have been having lately. There has been particularly intense competition over scarves, some students returning to their rooms periodically throughout the day just to change their scarf to stay on top of the latest fashion trends. Students who have not chosen to follow the winter clothing trend have noted side effects such as shivers, runny noses, frostbite and general overall discomfort.

Celibacy The act of not having sex has continued to be a strong trend on campus, gaining an all-time record number of followers. The trends of talking about sex and lying about having sex have risen, but the actual act of having sex has been an almost absent from dorm life. The trend has caused relief to roommates who would otherwise spend most weekends perpetually sexiled, and has led followers to get a lot more of their work done, often on Saturdays.

Ignoring People on Campus Rather than giving their usual awkward “hey” or wave of the hand when walking past friends and acquaintances, most Macalester students are either turning their head the other way or flat out ignoring everyone they walk past. At first it was commonly ex-classmates, Café Mac student workers and orientation group members being ignored, but the trend has spread to current classmates, neighbors and even best friends. At least that what I’ve been noticing lately; maybe it’s just me, it could be because I’ve been following the next trend pretty heavily…

Hot Trends on Campus This Month (Contd.)

Showering maybe once a week As the weather’s gotten colder, people are becoming less willing to expose all of their skin at one time, often refraining from doing so for days on end. Those same people shudder when imagining standing on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor as they wait for the water coming from the shower head to get warm, and dread the feeling of having to turn off the water and have cold winter drafts permeate their dripping wet, naked bodies.

There is also a trend among these people to skip morning classes because of the necessity to leave the comfort of their warm, snugly blankets to do so.

Reading the Hegimonicle This is Macalester’s latest and by far its hottest trend. A number of students have been seen with copies of the Hegimonicle, including you. If you look around you will see a combination of people rolling out of their seats with laughter, mild chuckling, subtle grinning and people saying “I really just don’t get it!”

Things That I Hold To Be True Squirrels Need To Stop Hiding In Trashcans

Obcenity-Laced Rants Section

By Carrot Top Dec. 12 2009 Opinion: I think that maybe Café Mac has been serving Wheat Pizza ironically?

Okay, so clearly some people eat wheat pizza, because I’ve seen them making new ones in the middle of dinner and I’ve never seen them have to stack them. But it’s pretty fucking clear that nobody likes it. Wheat pizza is essentially cardboard covered with I think is a thin lair of raccoon blood and some squirrel milk cheese, which is something I say not in a metaphorical/simile/joking sort of a way, but more in a technical/literal/True-with-a-capital-T sense.

So why then do people choke down their squirrel cheese with cardboard? Surly it’s not it’s not because they want to. No, people eat it because they’ve already given up with their lives.

The people who eat wheat pizza (feces on Styrofoam) have had all hope crushed out of them through years of probably physical abuse.

For them, the consumption of wheat pizza (the vom of people who’ve eaten actual pizza, spread on hardstock) represents just one more shitty thing in a long line of

shitty things, i.e. what their lives have become. Watch somebody eat an entire slice of wheat pizza and don’t be overcome with an overwhelming sense of ennui, I dare you. It’s impossible. Have you seen The Wrestler? If you haven’t you can pretty much replicate the full gambit of emotions that you would experience watching the film by watching someone eat wheat pizza (guano with yellow food coloring placed on top of reconstituted animal furs).

In conclusion, it can be said that I argue that Café Mac serves wheat pizza as an ironic commentary on the existential crisis of our modern subjectivity.

Opinion: Mac students: Shave your moustaches, you all look like pedophiles to me Look, I’m not saying it’s right.

It’s a stereotype, clearly. And I know that not all people who have moustaches also molest children.

But at a primal, gut-check level, when I see you with your ugly-ass moustache and your hipster-ass

glasses, I generally think that you killed the Lindenberg baby. And don’t get me wrong; I totally see the attraction to growing a moustache. You want facial hair, but whenever you try to grow a beard you end up growing a patchy mane. I see where you’re coming from- you’re impressed that you’re able to grow facial hair and want other people to be too. Hell, when I first got armpit hair I wore tank tops for a month, just so I could show it off. But that wasn’t a good idea, and neither is growing a disturbing-ass moustache.

Growing a moustache is the moral equivalent of buying a van with creepy wooden side-paneling that makes you look like a kidnapper, just to show off that you can drive. Yes, it does show that you can drive, but it also shows that you probably make hair dolls out of the hair of the prostitutes you abduct on the daily. In conclusion, I argue shave your moustaches, you pedophiles.

The Orphan Riots An Introduction

History Section Nome Chomsky Dec. 12 2009

T

he year was 1842. The place was London, England. The dirty ragamuffin orphans of the Great Kingdom of Britain were revolting, and the situation was out of hand. Roused by the despicable writings of Karl Marx, that kraut-munching bastard, the urchins had seized the work-houses, and the London Orphanarium was a literal war-zone.

The extent of the chaos was so great that production of giant fuzzy palace guarding hats was brought to a complete halt.

Of course, it is important to explore the manifest causes of the horrific events of 1842, before our hero enters the story and puts the cane to the loathsome hides of the rapscallion hordes. Indeed, the complex events surrounding the orphan riots are best understood as an integral part of the development of modern Europe.

The mighty kingdom of the Britons was at its height in the Victorian Age: while rogering away at the wealth and women of the natives of our colonial holdings, ’42 marked a rare low for England. I speak, of course, of the Chartists- the roughest, meanest, dirtiest miners and tramps in the Empire- who were lobbying for veritable anarchism and socialism all at once. All respectable Britons feared for their lives, and the hardy, yeomen business owners of the country took defense measures. Wages were cut, for the good of the nation. Production was ramped up to showcase the mighty economic prowess of the realm, and to keep the undecided masses happy. Gruel, the primary victuals of the vagabond classes, became quite scarce. There was a famine, in the gruel-heartland of Devonshireford, and things were getting pretty thick in Market Court, where the washerwomen and rag-pickers hawked their wares.

All the freeborn English workingmen were able to control themselves, and the good men in Parliament were able to reach a civilised compromise with most of the bloodthirsty populist factions. Even the Blood-Thirsters, arguably the least bloodthirsty yet the most stubborn of cooper guilds, could be reasoned with. However, the orphans’ appetite for blood remained unsatiated. On March 6th, 1842, orphan factions seized the main armory at the London Orphanarium and thus the riots began. The orphans, being the most useless and unproductive caste in modern society, were uncivilised and filthy. Public terror and outrage at their violence was rising as the fires inside the Orphanarium ragedfirst days, then weeks. Lord Chesterfield Knightsbridge, a valiant and stout-hearted man, was Orphanarium warden at the time of the crisis; he and his correctional officers were pinned down in the mess hall and were in great danger of capitulating due to fatigue.

On the forty-third day of the riots, after much of the slum-land around the Orphanarium had been burned to the ground, Winston Churchill arrived to put down the orphan riots. Flown in via helicopter, Churchill faced the bloodthirsty hordes of rioting orphans armed only with a cigar, an elephant rifle, and a Gatling gun. Scattered throughout the fifty hectare Oprhanarium complex were some thirty-five hundred orphan rabble-rousers and Churchill faced a very dangerous proposition. For although orphans produce nothing for society, they are adept at making trouble and at tearing down the great works of civilisation. Inside the Orphanarium walls, Churchill coordinated efforts using boiling oil, cavalry charges, and naval maneuvers to thwart the seditious urchins. Outside the confines of the London Orphanarium, he waged a war of wits against the orphan sympathizers by means of a thirsty guillotine and wily secret police.

Churchill’s valiant efforts slowly stemmed the tide of the war. Orphans died by the hundreds in some of the great battles of the engagement. The historical significance of the events of 1842 proved to be crucial. The forging of modern Europe can be seen in the hot fires that raged throughout the slums of London, Manchester, and Glasgow that year. These fires were luckily stamped out in the nation of Britain before they could spread to the hot-blooded continentals- the French, Spaniards, and other irrational revolutionaries. If not for Winston Churchill and other valiant Britons who stood up to the orphan hordes in ’42, the continent and indeed all of Europe would have achieved a modicum of social justice and all the violence and turmoil that it entails.

The Orphan Riots- Artist’s Rendering

Q and A With a Capitol Q

Every issue we will sit down with an important person from the world of media, entertainment, politics, or academia and ask the tough questions. Question so tough it would literally take a diamond to scratch them, if they were physical things. But they are not; they are questions, tough questions.

A Sit Down With Seth MacFarlane

The man behind Family Guy give us his unique two cents on fascism, pie, The Origin of Species, and John and Kate plus 8. Or at least we hope he does that, we write these tags months in advance so who really knows.

I

am supposed to sit down with Seth Macfarlane at on a bench outside a Kum and Go in Lincoln Nebraska.

I arrive just before 11 and as per his reputation Seth is late. I don’t mind at first, I have some work to do, but the hours begin to drag on and on and the Billy Gram billboard is looking at me. Just before the local sundial indicates that it’s time for the cows to come home, (maybe 7 in real time, I’m not sure as both my phone, computer, and oddly enough wind up pocket watch seem to not work since I crossed the Iowa boarder) I begin to hear a rustlings in the bushes around me. As I walk over to investigate Seth leaps out at me startling me, pauses for a second, and then doubles over laughing for almost a minute at having started me. I stand there, not entirely sure what has happened. Seth wears what seems to be a very expensive blue three piece suit, which is covered in dirt from what I now realize must have been 8 hours of hiding behind a bush. As Seth gets up and dust himself off I figure I better start the interview.

The Hegemonical: So Seth, were you really behind the bush this whole time?

Seth Macfarlane: (still laughing but attempting to suppress it), Man I was there since yesterday. And I have to say there was not one second of that whole period that was in any less funny than the second before it. In fact somewhere between hour two and three I would say that it was almost twice as funny, then it flat lined about here (he holds his hand up to his eye and starts moving it up and down as if trying to get a measurement right)

Q and A With a Capitol Q

A Sit Down With Seth MacFarlane

Hege: I see, and if you don’t mind me asking, why Nebraska?

SM: Actually Larry (not my name) I do mind, but if you must know that bush near this Kum and Go is the third best hiding bush in the country. The first two are owned by AIG as part of a CEO severance package.

Hege: Right. And you really thought it was funny all the way through?

SM: Of course I did, it was a joke. They have jokes at the Dr. No Fun Tribune where you work don’t they?

Hege: So Seth, you grew up in Connecticut right?

SM: You think that’s a generic interview question?

I remember one time when the front part of Larry King’s hair asked me how it was going!

(Seth says nothing for 90 seconds, I have a feeling something is going on in his head but I really can’t speculate) SM: I’m sorry what?

Hege: So Seth, you grew up in Connecticut right?

SM: Boy did I ever, I haven’t seen that many white people since...

(I decide to cut him off before he makes another comparison, I don’t have all night) Hege: So you felt off put by the lack of diversity?

SM: Oh yes absolutely, it was the most white people I had seen (I realize there is nothing stopping this) since I was at a Fox executives house.

(I pause for a second, waiting to for the long pause Seth never takes, I am pleasantly surprised) Hege: I see, and did you start writing as a child in Connecticut?

SM: As a matter of fact I did, when I was little I would organize all the children in the neighborhood together and we would do plays in my basement that I wrote.

Hege: Really, what kind of plays did you do?

SM: You know that episode of Family Guy where Meg becomes obsessed with Brian [the dog] and ties him up in a hotel room and basically tries to molest him? Every line in that script was originally written on green construction paper in my basement for a neighborhood play.

Hege: I see. So you would describe you must have been pretty creative when you were little?

SM: Surprisingly no, everything I wrote from 6 till about 22 was about inappropriate relationships between talking animal named Brian and people. But the type of animal usually changes, also the hotel room number.

Hege: So if that is the case, how did Family Guy come into existence?

SM: We draw it stupid! Hey, I’m just kidding, I came up with the basic idea for family guy while in a junior year film course. I was attempting to film a six minute continual fight scene all around Rode Island between my friends Steve and a guy dressed as a giant duck for and a documentary on US imperialism in Latin American during the Cold War. Problem is, a giant duck wouldn’t fight for six minutes, it’s unrealistic, the duck would get tired and fly away. So one friend, this guy Andrew, suggested we make it a giant chicken because they can’t fly. Well, I have no idea where we are going to get a giant chicken so I figure we might as well animate the whole thing.

Hege: I see how that set you in the direction of animation, but how did that lead to Family Guy? SM: Well, eventually we decided to drop the whole activist documentary premise, didn’t get us nearly as many chicks as we had thought it would, but for some

Q and A With a Capitol Q

A Sit Down With Seth MacFarlane

reason I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of that six minute animated chicken fight. Something about the man fighting the chicken was just beautiful. Like a tree. That dude became Peter Griffin and the rest was history.

Hege: So how about American Dad, why the spin off?

SM: Ironic commentary on the absurdities of US life and security politics in the post 9/11 world. Comedy has always been an important form to convey political sentiment.

Hege: And the Cleveland Show?

SM: Money.

SM: Actors, I pay them to enact things I think of because I’m so rich I don’t need imagination or a childlike sense of wonder. See, half the humor of family guys is random non topical clips, which is pretty much how I amused myself whenever I got board or sad as a kid. I always knew what I thought about was funny and I always knew it would take me somewhere. Then I made infinity dollars and figured fuck that shit, TV exists for a reason, because people don’t like to imagine. So now everything I imagine becomes real, and in a true and profound way I am God. Hege: Because you can make all your daydreams come true?

Hege: There will be plenty about Seth Macfarland the Cartoonist, I want to know more about Seth Macfarland the man.

SM: Also because I can buy a guy to follow me around and say he a farted whenever I fart so I never look bad unless I’m going for a fart joke.

SM: Well good, that’s much more appropriate for your article than Seth McFarland the women. Anyway, what do you want to know?

Hege: I Understand. What’s your favorite color?

Hege: Well we know that you have recently become pretty vocal about your atheism. Isn’t it antithetical to make public proclamations about secularism?

SM: You think that’s divisive question, I remember one time when Ted Koppel asked the Justice League if a hero without a cape is a real hero…

(It gets a little weird here. I look at him expecting another minute or so of silence as he disappears into his own tangential fantasy world, which at first seems to be what happened, his eyes are seemingly out of focus and he stops talking. On a whim I look behind me (I don’t have a lot else to do) and sure enough there are five people there that Seth is looking at, people I think were hiding in the gas station. They are dressed as Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, and Ted Koppel. The resemblance is quite poor to say the least. They stand and look awkwardly at one another, as if they are acting out a clip like this was a Family Guy episode. After a moment they shuffle inside) Hege: Who are they?

SM: I don’t really believe in colors, only light reflected against your eye. I can’t swim so I like smaller waves, so I’m gonna go with red.

Hege: I will put down grey. What is your favorite word?

SM: Monster-poop. The words are hyphenated so they are technically one word. It was the name of a dog that saved my life back in New England. I had fallen down a well that was on fire while running from bandits that were going to take over the town. Monster-poop alerted Aunty Emm and everything was saved. Also come on, Monseter-Poop, that word is fucking hilarious. I mean can you imagine how big that shit would be, oh man that’s a great word.

Hege: Is any of that true?

SM: The part about my favorite word being Monster hyphen Poop is.

Hege: What do you want God to say to you when you are dead?

Q and A With a Capitol Q

A Sit Down With Seth MacFarlane (Seth’s eyes grow wide and before I can do anything he reaches into his coat and pulls out a toothbrush. He holds it out in front of him and seems to threaten me with it) SM: Gonna send me to God eh? Think you can come here, to Lincoln Nebraska, and threaten me? Well you have another thing coming Dr. No Fun. Hege: What. No? It’s a question from Inside the Actors Studio. It’s not a threat, it’s supposed to make you think about the value of your life and what is really important.

SM: You will have to catch me first!

(Seth takes off running, but only gets a few feet before he turns to face the Kum and Go sign and simply stares up at it with a glossy expression on his face) Hege: Seth, I really wasn’t threatening you.

SM: (in a voice barely audible) Kum and Go….that gives me an idea for a show…a fat man works in a gas station….but his cat see…he has the brain of Ronald Regan…Ejaculate and Evacuate….

Hege: Really? What would this show be called?

SM: You think that’s a reasonable question. I remember when a reporter asked me at a Kum and Go in Nebraska what my favorite word is!

(I throw down my pad and storm off)

Music: Is it Even Worth it?

I Review Songs Based On One Line Of Lyrics!

The Arts Section

By Salvador Dali Dec. 12 2009 Song: Lollipop Remix (Kanye) Lyrics: Tell ya girl like Doritos that’s Nacho cheese // tell her friend like Fritos I’m just trying to lay Review: This extended chip metaphor falls apart somewhere. Like, I consider myself pretty much the Michael Jordan of understanding metaphors, but this snack food allegory has me pretty confused. I guess that the first line is like “hey girl, that’s not your cheese (money?) (actual cheese?) (soy cheese?).” But this second part makes zero(!) sense. So, you want me to tell her friend “Hey, just an fyi, Kanye’s just trying to lay. You know, like Fritos. The corn chips” Maybe you should tell her yourself Kanye, cause I really don’t get it.

Song: Go Hard (Kanye Lyric: I’m disgusted with myself, ugh where do I start? // First I spin and vomit then I shit up on it.

Review: Please do that in the privacy of your own home. Also, why is that where you start!?! That should be the last place that you should start. I can think of literally millions of things that would be better than spinning around and voming and then crapping on the vom. What are you trying to accomplish by shitting on your circle of puke? Cause unless it’s being surrounded by a circle of shitty vom I don’t think it’s worth it. Kanye, Imma letcha finnish but this is the worst idea of all time. (Ed. Note: Zing!)

Song: Two Words (Kanye) Lyric: So I live by two words // Fuck you, pay me Review: That’s four words.

Song: Sexy Bitch (Akon) Lyric: I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl, without being disrespectful// Damn Girl// Damn youz a sexy bitch Review: It doesn’t seem like you tried very hard. I say that because, about four seconds later, the words that you end up using to describe that girl are sexy bitch. Now, I haven’t taken a lot of gender studies classes, but I’m pretty sure that the respectful term for woman hasn’t been ‘bitch’ for about, well, infinity years.

Song: Don’t Stop The Party (T-Pain) Lyric: um my name’s teddy and I’ll be your waiter tonight, what can I getcha?//You know what? Fuck all this shit, man. You fine as a motherfucker.

Review: This is probably why T-pain never made it as a waiter.

Song: Time Mashine (T-Pain) Lyric: I can dream, it’s a simple thing- I’m building a Time Machine.

Review: See comment above. If both T-pain and Kanye start time traveling, we are sooooooo fucked. Also, I can’t imagine that building a time machine is a simple thing.

Music: Is it Even Worth it (cont.)?

Yet More Songs Are Reviewed For Some Reason!

Song: Good Morning (Kanye) Lyric: Good Mornin // Look at the Valedictorian // Scared of the future while I hop in the Delorian Review: I wouldn’t mess with a Delorian either- the damage to the space-time continuum could be irreversible.

Song: Everything I am (Kanye) Lyric: Just last year Chicago had 600 caskets // Man, killin’s some whack shit!

Review: No disagreement here. Killing is some whack shit.

Song: Last Call (Kanye) Lyric: They say he bougie, he big-headed //Would yall please stop talking bout how my dick-head is!

Review: I don’t think that’s what they were talking about. More likely, they were talking about your woolymammoth-sized ego. But yeah, I guess maybe they were talking about your penis. You never know.

Song: Robocop (Kanye) Lyric: Cuz I don’t want no Robocop // You movin like a Robocop // Somebody please make it stop Review: Jesus Kanye, get away from that Robocop!! Those things are dangerous. Sure, they’re designed to fight crime, but that doesn’t mean that they never malifunction. Like, that ocs email system we had my freshman year before we got Google Apps. It was designed not to be the shittiest email imaginable, but it was literally the shittiest email service that I can imagine. Like, because the system crashed so often, you had about a 45 second window each day if you wanted to check your email. Also, If you tried to delete an email, instead of removing it from your inbox so you had more room, it would just put a red x next to it. So yeah, Robocops are probably like that, but instead of being stupid at deleting emails it might accidently fire a missile from the missile launcher that it has instead of an arm. So long story short, if your worried that your significant other is Robocop I would get the fuck out of dodge.

Fallon Sent Down To SNL Prospect a Bust?

Sports Section

By James Buchannan Dec. 12 2009

J

ust months after being called up by a Late Night struggling to cope with the loss of Star Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon has been sent back down to Saturday Night Live.

The move had prompted closer fan scrutiny of the Late Night organization, who had passed on the likes of Amy Pohler, Andy Sandberg, and Steve Carrell to draft Fallon in 2006.

Fallon, once rated as one of the nation’s top young prospects, was known to have struggled with several deeply rooted technical issues, such as looking at the camera and blatantly not being funny, that have kept his performance from achieving what many thought was its full potential.

“It wasn’t a work ethic thing” claimed Lorne Michaels who mentored Fallon on SNL in his early years of professional comedy, “he would come in every day and we would go over tape from the night before and every time he would break character or chuckle to himself like an ass hole not worthy of the biggest break

in comedy- we would go out and try to fix it”. Although this work produces modest success, it was a well know fact that these problems were never really dealt with and thus Fallon’s performance remained somewhat inconstant. Some attributed his lack of growth with an unwillingness to challenge himself.

Said one Hegimonocle analyst “To supplement his work on a show no one has expected to be funny since the Cold War, he decided to be in a movie where the plot is something about Queen Latifah driving a tricked out cab, chasing bank robbers, and where Fallon is a cop, no wonder he never improved much”.

“It is what it is. I’m just a team player, so I want to do what’s best for the organization. If that means going back to SNL for a couple months so be it”, said Fallon.

Fallon had long been the target of fan ire, but the outcry reached the tipping point in last night’s episode. Fallon began the show by telling a nonsensical joke about Dick Cheney and Health Care re-

form. It appeared to some that he had begun with the punch line and finished with the set up. The interview section of the show, which is supposed to be Fallon’s strength, did not go any better. He repeatedly referred to his guest Alec Baldwin as Asslick Bladderin.

It was not clear whether this was an attempt at humor or an honest mistake. It was not long until boos became audible. Fallon, who was visibly shaken, could only look into the camera and laugh.

“We have by no means given up on Jimmy. We know that someday he will be a great host, but with Leno gone we’re in a win-now type of situation. He just can’t get the minutes he needs with us. Hopefully, spending some time with SNL will build his confidence again” Said manager Larry Weems. In the mean time, ?uestLove, drummer for house band The Roots, will replace Fallon in the starting lineup.

An Ode(ius) to the Ladies What’s Greek For Saussage Fest?

From Our Archives

By Posiden or something Dec. 12 2009

Open for Questions A Professor takes your quandries!

Homework Help Section Doctor Professor Dec. 12 2009

Hello Macalester community. I am Dr. Professor. Though convention dictates that I should be happy to make your acquaintance, I am, in reality, nothing of the sort. The fact of the matter is that I don’t even like most of you. I write this column out of no charitable impulse, but as a way to remind you all that I possess the premier mind on this campus. You will see this in the way that I handle questions posed from across the intellectual spectrum as smoothly as water sliding off of the freshly-waxed paint on my Porsche. That’s right; I have more money than you, too. Though I would have no qualms about wasting your lives with more details, such as my many qualifications and intellectual achievements, my own time is very valuable. As such, I will begin to answer questions that I have received in the mail from students too dense to do their own work. I shall try to use simple enough vocabulary that you can all follow along without hurting what little brains you possess.

Dear Doc Prof, In my history class, we have been reading a lot of books on the subject of feudalism and its influence on the general populace. Though in class we have been focusing a lot on the feudal system in mediaeval England, for my next essay I would like to compare and contrast this system to another time and place. Can you help me to decide on a case that would be similar enough to medieval England, but that displays enough differences to write a 10-page analytical paper comparing the two?

-Sufferer of the Futile System Greetings, Please do not call me ‘Doc Prof’, my dear SFS. Courtesy dictates that you should address me by my full name and title, as I am your superior. I worked hard for several years to acquire my doctorate, and I had to fill out several forms to legally change my name to ‘Professor’, so I do not appreciate your attempt at familiarity where none exists. Yes – I did change my name to Professor. Though it has proven to alienate me from my family, I do not regret the choice as it indicates to strangers that I am a man to respect.

When I walk into a room and introduce myself, people turn their heads. They are awed by my grandeur. This is the correct reaction to encountering someone of such intellectual standing as me. I have worked hard my entire life to gain the knowledge and wisdom to place myself on a shelf of intelligence that overhangs the uneducated mob known more commonly amongst the general public as… the general public. So I will not just stand idly by and have my reputation sullied by a few careless words thrown around by a lowly student who doesn’t even know how to use a library.

In response to your query, however, I would suggest that you check the library. I am not here to do your work for you, though I could doubtless tell you the perfect period to research without more than a moment’s thought.

-Dr. Professor

Open for Questions Still More Questions!

DP, I have been having a lot of trouble recently finding color schemes in my art that evoke the emotions that I want to tap in an audience. I was wondering if there is some fail-proof way to pick a combination of colors that accurately conveys my feelings to those who view the finished piece. My teacher has been little help, telling me repeatedly that art is a subjective thing and that I would have to work things out for myself. Any input appreciated.

-Color Blind Color Blind, I would first urge you to refer to my answer to the previous question with regards to how you address me.

An abbreviation just simply won’t do in this case. However, assuming that you will learn your lesson on etiquette independently, I will move swiftly on to the matter at hand.

You say that you are having trouble picking the colors that correctly convey the emotions that you want your audience to feel? I respond simply by saying that it doesn’t matter. Art is a worthless area of study and any problems encountered therein are, by extension, worthless. Studying art may make you feel like you are accomplishing something, but please believe me when I tell you that you are not. Arguments that art ensures a happier, more productive populace are unfounded.

My advice to you is to drop your art class entirely and study something that will fetch real results in life. Failing this, I always think that the color blue makes people sad. That should be all the help that you need – more and I would be essentially creating the piece for you.

-Dr. Professor Cher Professeur, I am having trouble keeping my French conjugations straight. Whenever I master a rule, it seems like I have to memorize more exceptions to that rule than words that actually follow it. I’m getting so frustrated that I just want to quit, but I need to fulfill my language requirement. All I want to know is how anybody can keep all of that stuff straight. Merci d’avance!

-I Surrender I Surrender, I am honestly at a loss for words. Not only do I not know French grammar, but I don’t care about it in the least. I have never even considered caring – that is the extent of my disinterest. You should quit. Honestly.

The major contribution of the French to the world was the creation of the Bon-Bon. I do not know what this means, nor do I think anyone does for sure, but that does not stop me from eating four of them in the process of writing this response.

I am almost sorry that I cannot help more in this issue, but I really don’t have time to waste on trivial pursuits. If you are insistent on continuing your French studies until your foreign language requirement is fulfilled, I suggest you change it to pass-fail.

Until next time, keep being incompetent so that I can continue to prove my superior intelligence

The Cleavland Cavaliers And The Washington Wizards Today’s Great Sports Rivalry? (no)

Sports Section Mutt Custard and Cher Afghans Dec. 12 2009

Four years ago, basketball fans got to witness Lebron James (the chosen one) play his first playoff game.

His opponent, making the playoffs for the second time in a row, were the Wiz Kids (more like the dumb kids).

Throughout the six games, the two teams fought hard (well not one team). But it was basically a showdown (not really). On one hand was the King who ruled from the arc, the paint and penetrated every corner of the Wizards defense (and was awesome the whole time). On the other was Agent Zero aka Gilbert Arenas who was grilling on his hibachi a diverse assortment of steaks, and wine, and cheese, and cucumbers, and mustard, and honey mustard sweet sauce, and...sorry, I started thinking about Subway; Eat Fresh©. Back on the court, the Cavs won. And they won. And they won again; three years in a row (obvious).

The Wizards think they are to the Cavs what David is to Goliath (except in this case Goliath is 20 times bigger and be killed by a pebble).

Nevertheless, whenever the two teams play there is always a buzz. It’s a swashbuckling, hate-filled tirade between Sher Af who hails from D.C. suburbia, Arlington, Virginia and Matt Kushball who prides a Cleveland (awesome) ethos.

Matt: [laughing hysterically] You mean the dummy dumb Wizards vs. a good team? Zing!

Scene 1 Setting: Wallace first floor. April 18th, 2009. All is dark, all is bright. (Matt is looking especially lovely in his ceremonial John Stockton garb)

Scene 2 Setting: In the Green Mill the game is on. Charles Barkley’s ass is 10 times more palpable on the flatscreen.

Sher Af: You look like shit Kushner.

Matt: Well I suppose one could do better in Red. Sher Af: Don’t care, game’s on.

Matt: What game? *ahem*butt-pants*cough* Sher Af: The Wiz and the Cavs. Haven’t you heard of it it’s been all over the news.

Sher Af: Dude, not cool. We Wizard fans are very sensitive about our historical badness.

Matt: [laughing hysterically] So, you got your juices flowing?

Sher Af: Um, excuse me?

Matt: [laughing hysterically] Dude focus, it’s game time.

Sher Af: Dude you can’t pretend...

Matt: How the fuck do you work this thing!!

[Matt picks grabs the remote and slams it on the TV, breaking it into such minute pieces that it is no longer very large] Matt: Hm... Green Mill then?

Sher Af: God damn.

Sher Af: Man he’s got a luscious back yard!

Matt: Yeah....Charles Barkley.....ass Sher Af: Did Agent Zero just do to Cavs what I’m about to do to your face?

Matt: Wha? Sher Af: Slap! [he declares as he backhands Matt in the face]

The Cleavland Cavaliers And The Washington Wizards (contd.)

Today’s Great Sports Rivalry? (no) Matt: We’re still in public.

Matt: Hey ref? Anybody home? That was my face ref.

Sher Af: So, seems like the Wizards are going to win tonight?

Matt: Okay, I talked to Lebron and he’s got a little tummy ache, he’s not doing too well. Besides, at least one good win for the season should brighten the souls of the despondent Wizard fan base.

Sher Af: You know, nothing’s sweeter than beating the Cavs!

Matt: Um, that might be difficult. Lebron appears to be digesting rather well.

Sher Af: You flapping about that overrated dude?

Matt: I assume that was a veiled reference to the comment Deshawn Stevenson, the president of the Buttnited States of Buttmerica, made regarding Lebron James.

Sher Af: “I’m so hot I can’t feel my face.”

Matt: “I’m so hot....I need water. I’m in the desert. It sucks” Sher Af: Dude, that whole Lebron/Stevenson drama was off the hizook! Do you remember when Lebron compared himself to Jay-Z and Stevenson to Soulja Boy? Matt: Spot on.

Sher Af: You know Jay-Z is as delirious as Lebron.

Matt: Oh yeah? And what about Sir Sucks Alot?

Sher Af: “Turn my swag on!”

Scene 3: Setting: The owner has kicked Sher Af and Matt out of the restaurant. It’s midnight.

Sher Af: Today’s win proves that the Wizards are always better at everything.

Matt: You suck.

[Sher Af and Matt buy some Rotisserie chicken and expensive Manchego cheese at Kowalski’s]

Advance Copy of The Worst Case Survival Guide: You’ve Made An Infant and You’re a College Student We’re Publishing Excerpts Illegally!

Advance Copy (Page 2) We’re Publishing Excerpts Illegally!

Advance Copy (Page 3) We’re Publishing Excerpts Illegally!

Advance Copy (Page 4) We’re Publishing Excerpts Illegally!

A Few Minutes With Sher Afghan

A

Macalester’s Premier Human Being and Thinker Takes Some Time Out of His Busy Day To Share His Thought.

friend of mine named Grant Maloney is not very smooth with the ladies. Maloney annoys me but in an adorable manner. When ever he calls me to inform about his interactions with ladies such as the one above, it is a wakeup call. Like it’s actually a wakeup call, dude wakes me up. Many say wake up calls are serene. It the singing of birds and the tender sun shine blooming into our rooms that tell us it’s morning time.

Time to wake up! But my sunshine, my loving bird is this 6 foot 7 inch giant Maloney! Yes, on most Friday nights does something stupid and funny with girls and at dawn the next day, he informs me about his adventures.

His most recent story: A Maloney and a girl get drunk. She starts making out with Maloney. Before things go further she wants to make sure that Grant knows who she is, she asks him, “Do you know my name?”

Mr. Maloney, rather than at least take a shot at the end zone and name a name replies, “Ahh, I think it starts with an S”. Totally disgusted by Grant’s lack of knowledge about her identity, the girl leaves. Like Batman we still don’t know her identity. But like Samuel Jackson, we think her name starts with an ‘S’. He’s gone through this routine for nearly every letter of the alphabet. All that’s left is for him to find a girl whose name might begin with an ‘x’.

One Time Maloney sais a girl was giving him oral sex and in the process bit his penis. The funny thing is that this girl was a vegetarian. As Maloney was placing bandaids up and down his penis following the incident I imagine their conversation to have gone like this.

Maloney: I question your commitment to vegetarianism because you bit my penis Girl: (very angrily)Do you know my name?

Maloney: I think it starts with Z. Grant Maloney is tall. Very tall. But his height is a laughing matter. He is a 6 foot 5 inch giant but can’t play ball for shit. However, his height is also his strength. Rumors suggest that girls go crazy over his tall, masculine body but the problem is that he is Maloney..maloney baloney, tender roney… Most people I know do not happily pick up their phones at 5 am on Saturdays. Neither do I but Maloney’s voice does bring joy to my Saturday mornings.

And one more thing. Dupre dorm is to me what Israel is to Jews. I lived there during my freshmen year and fell in love with it. How could you trash Dupre? Those quality sofas on ground floor and that smell of pot accompanying you as you take the elevator to the 5th floor…there is so much to love about Dupre. Currently I am in exodus. From Wallace to GDD, life has been quite tumultuous. But I will return to the blessed land, to the promised land. Dorms other than Dupre can kiss my gentle ass. I will never forgive Wallace basement and its pot smell. And as far as GDD is concerned, that place has no character. At least dorms such as Wallace have a particular smell. GDD has none.

Ask a Sextologist He’ll Answer Your Questions!

The Sex Sextion Martin the Mating Master Dec. 12 2009 Hello readers, Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Martin the Mating Master and I’m here to help people with the problems they encounter in their sex lives. The following questions were written by real fictional people just like you who are having trouble with their sexual endeavors, and decided to seek the advice of the master. Sex is a complicated issue, and often it can leave people confused and conflicted, but I believe that with the power of societal shame, industrial-strength disinfectant, and Jesus Christ (praise him, our Lord and savior almighty), any problem can be overcome.

Dear MMM, Every time my girlfriend and I have sex, she can’t seem to have an orgasm. She tells me that she’s always close, but she just can’t seem to get over that final hump, if you know what I mean. How can I overcum this issue?

-Orgasmically Challenged Well OC, maybe your girlfriend can’t achieve orgasm because Jesus is trying to save her soul and won’t let her. You see, it’s possible that every time your girlfriend is about to climax, the Holy Ghost actively inserts himself into her mind, making an image of a pure, manger-born baby Jesus the only thing she can think about, and making orgasm impossible in the process. At least I should hope that it would make orgasm impossible. If your girlfriend can get off thinking about baby Jesus, then she’s going to Hell. Really no way around that. But I digress. Here’s what you should do. First, stop having premarital sex. Secondly, you should pray—a lot. It’s going to take roughly a metric fuck-ton of prayer for God (and me) to forgive you. And if it turns out that Jesus isn’t the root of your girlfriend’s inability to climax, then maybe your penis is just too small. Burn ! Hey-o!

Dear Master, My girlfriend has been pressuring me to have anal sex with her, but I really don’t want to. I just can’t stand the idea of having sex with her butthole and would hate to have fecal matter on my penis. What should I do?

-Hater of the Hershey Highway Dear HHH, That is the most horrid, vile thing I’ve ever heard in my life. If it’s alright with you, I’m going to respond to your question with another question: What’s wrong with you? Why in the world would you tell me that? There are some things you keep to yourself, and I’m quite certain this is one of them. That being said, I think that I might be able to help you out. Generally, the best way to deal with problems is to ignore them, think about something else, and hope that, in time, they resolve themselves. But if your girlfriend still insists on making an issue out of this, here’s what you do. You sit your girlfriend down, look her in the eyes, and tell her the following: “What the fuck?! No!... No!... No, no, no, no, hella fuck no, absolutely not, no!!! That shit is disgusting (no pun intended)!” If you say that to her exactly as I wrote it, then I think that your anal anxieties may finally be put to an end. Of course, you may also lose your girlfriend, but judging by the kind of perversions she’s into, she’s probably posessed by one of the Satan’s lesser demons anyway (perhaps an imp, although at this point all I can do is speculate), so in all liklihood you’re better off.