Volume 21, Issue 1 - Bachelor in Duparadise

Volume 21

Fall 2019

Sponsored by: The Macalester Hegemonocle

Choose or be chosen or not... you’re valid either way

Issue 1

THE MACALESTER

HEGEMONOCLE

Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 20, Issue 1 Fall 2019 Bachelor in DuParadise Edition

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Maeghan Sullivan ’20 Zoe Berkovitz ’20

EDITORIAL Managing Editor Autumn Campbell ’21 Head Writer Ben Townsend ’20 Radio Editors Zoe Berkovitz '20 Lidija Namike '21

DESIGN Head of Production Lidija Namike ’21 Neck of Production Kirk Lobban ‘21

STAFF *Austin Jesko ‘21 *Ethan Shaw ‘21 Jordan Schwed ‘21 Kate Sibila ‘21 Rennie DiCarlo ‘22 Finn Odum ‘21

Baxter Gordon ‘22 Jared Jageler ‘22 Sophia Vischer ‘22 Niko Bjork ‘22 Aberdeen Morrow ‘22 Coat Rack ‘99

* On sabbatical

SHOUT OUTS Performance bowls for being bland but healthy The Ramen Bar for being flavorful but unhealthy Kagins for happening less often Bad reality TV for giving us good ideas Good reality TV for giving us bad ideas Regular TV for giving us the most ideas Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11 Contact us: hegemonocle@macalester.edu

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@hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle

The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105

Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.

The Hegemonocle is published four-ish times per academic year.

All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2019.

Dearest readers, We’ve missed you. The warm summer months have passed, and we have craved your hungry eyes on our virginal pages. We remember so dearly the times when you said “it’s not that bad” or “it’s kind of funny I guess.” We remember when you spread us wide on a Cafe Mac table for the first time and sort of whistled out of your nose a little every now and then, which is close enough to a laugh, right?

We hold those moments close to our heart. Those were the simpler days. Ah, time...

Change is in the air, readers. We’ve cultivated our power over the years, little by little, with pointless titles such as “Radio Editor” and “Managing Editor”, gaining your trust and eventually your personal information and data. It was almost too easy.

But now, our jobs are harder. The competition is getting tougher.

How are we supposed to compete with the grand parody that is Macalester College itself, let alone this “Joker” guy everyone is talking about? This is a critical moment for the Hege, and we need you by our side.

That’s why, this year, we’re going to do nothing differently. Enjoy!

Much love, Zoe Berkovitz and Maeghan Sullivan Co-Editors in Chief

Bachelor in Duparadise Contestant Profiles

Danai

The Woman of your dreams. Period.

Charlotte

Not like most girls.

Very much like your childhood bully.

Mac

The Man of your dreams. Period.

The Albino Squirrel

She loves walks on the beach, climbing trees, and a hard nut after a long winter.

Ryan

Fuck-me-eyes and choke-me-thighs.

Brian

Mysterious, elusive, and the Bingo for Books savant.

Juulian

Best lung disease you’ll ever have :)

Hege

Miss Minnesota for 26 consecutive years

CAMPUS ANNOUNCEMENTS AND WARNINGS FALL 2019 The Great Macalester Debate 2019 Should I Stay (and Study) or Should I Go (Smoke a joint?)

Dupre you got to let me know Should I stay or should I go?

If you say that you are mine (the joint) I’ll be here ‘til the end of time (10pm, my bedtime) BriRo you got to let me know (before 10pm) Should I stay or should I go?

If I’ve taken more than 2 classes with you, it is because I want to BE you Dear Mac Professors, If a student takes more than two classes with you, it’s because they want to steal your identity. We know that you know that we know all about you. We know your maiden name (probably), your passwords (we know you’ve always wanted a dream vacation in Bali, Brenda), and your social security number (okay, this isn’t true, but, like, it’s pretty short). That’s enough XP to evolve (like a Pokemon) into our final form... you. You are our Charizard.

Love, Me (Future You) Breaking News: Doty Resident Has Sex “yea whatever” -The rest of Doty This Just In: STEM Majors Attempt to Ban Humanities because They Feel Bullied Sometimes “What do you mean”; “I dont know where an apostrophe goes!”; or “what’s the difference between ‘whose’ and ‘whomst’ ??? Just because I’m a chemistry major entering the industry at 75k/year doesn’t mean you have to pick on me.”

Registrar is up in arms: Overachiever first year is sick and tired of taking 100 level classes, attends graduate school classes at the University of Minnesota, while senior enrollment in FYC’s is at an all time high “How????”

Campus Warning: Off-campus Students Loose: How to know You’ve been Approached -You have heard about how much Potential Off-Campuser loved/will love study abroad.

-They called their place “the house” or “the estate”, even if it is an apartment or duplex.

-They gave rattled tupperware lunch really loudly to let everyone know they aren’t on the meal plan anymore.

-They have said ,“yeah, the atmosphere is so different over there,” when it’s literally 2 blocks from campus.

-They complain about having big fridge.

-They have definitely said, “my house doesn’t have heat right now, and it is literally raining in my bathroom. I can’t pee without using an umbrella.”

-They follow up with “can I stay at your place?”

Which Famous Mac Alumni are you Most Like?

Take our Quiz to find out!

1. The next Kagin is coming up, what do you hope the theme is?

A. Beyoncé!

B. Eastern-European Electronic Death Country!

C. I don’t care, I’ll be too wasted to even realize!

D. I just hope it’s a quiet one, so I can read in peace!

2. Uh oh! You forgot to complete a project due tomorrow! What should you do?

A. Stay up late to complete the assignment!

B. Ask for forgiveness (and an extension) from the professor!

C. You’ve already asked that professor for 2 extensions this semester there’s no way they’ll give you a third!

D. Just start crying!

3. Last month you declared your major, but now you realize you hate it! What should you do?

A. Change your major! College is your time to shine! No point doing something you hate!

B. Take plenty of other courses to make yourself feel better! Sure you’ll graduate later, and your scholarships run out after 4 years and student loan debt is forever...

C. Stick it out! Sure you hate it and you don’t want to pursue any career related to it, but it’s too late now and tuition is too expensive!

D. Fake your death! Change your name! Run away! You can’t run forever and your debts will eventually catch up with you but for the first time you’ll truly be free!

4. How do you wake up in the morning?

A. Bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and ready to take on the day!

B. Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my morning coffee!

C. Hit that snooze button to get another 5 minutes of unconsciousness the only time you don’t feel that crushing weight of life and adulthood!

D. Lay in bed staring up at the ceiling contemplating your existence, wanting to either go back to sleep or just get up, but knowing you’re undeserving of either!

5. You’ve started drinking to deal with the stress of college, what should you do?

A. Attempt to quit cold turkey! After all, you don’t need to add another thing to your already too full schedule!

B. Try to tone it down! What’s a bottle of beer every night really? After all your dad drinks nightly and he’s not really an alcoholic!

C. It’s college! Drink away! Sure it’s “unhealthy” and “pushing those who love 6. You drunkenly hook-up with another person at the Kagin, what do you do? and care about you away”, but hey at least you’re having fun while doing so!

A. Don’t tell your partner!

D. Even alcohol doesn’t numb the stress and anxieties anymore. Turn to B. Hope you never need to tell your partner! anything and anyone to try to fix yourself!

C. Accidentally tell your partner during a game of Strip Pictionary and plead with them to please stay!

D. Please Hannah, if you’re reading this she meant nothing to me you’re my entire world and I might even want to continue our relationship past senior year!

7. None of your friends hang out with you anymore. They say you’re a hollow shell of who you used to be. What do you do?

A. They’re right. You need to make a change for the better. Start trying to get things back in order, even get a therapist. It’ll be hard work but it’s worth it.

8. Your parents got divorced over the break, it’s your fault, isn’t it?

B. They’re right. You feel so empty inside. Of course they don’t want to hang out A. No way! You’ve been away from your parents too long for with you, you don’t even want to hang out with you. you to be the reason they’re leaving each other.

C. You know what? Screw them! You don’t need them! You know when you’re B. Unless you were the only thing keeping them together different, and it’s them who’ve changed!

C. And mom’s been really cold towards dad ever since I told Aunt D. You have new friends now! Ones who get drunk with you and don’t take Carol about my 12th birthday when he let me smoke weed...

Hannah’s side! They’re better friends than your old friends ever could be!

D. Oh god...

It’s all my fault

Results If you answered mostly A:

You are most like: Kofi Annan

Death is inevitable. All that has lived, is living, and will ever live will die.

If you answered mostly C:

You are most like: Tim O’Brien

What does the shrieking void care that Hannah left us? That our parents divorced? Our conscious minds are but grains of sand to the universe.

If you answered mostly B:

You are most like: Walter Mondale

Our existence is but a speck in the grand scheme of the universe, any actions we take make little difference on the cosmic scale.

If you answered mostly D:

You are most like: Dewitt Wallace One day, we will die, and one day after that the last thought about us will be thought. We will be entirely gone, lost to time. Is it better to accept this darkness, this endless, shrieking void? Or reject it? What difference does it really make?

donald trump took my juul. he said, “kids are dying in school!” but I need this stick, to take the edge off my dick, we’re going to impeach the fucking tool. friends call me a juul fiend they say, “off the nicotine, you must be weaned!” but to rip phatty clouds, and make it smell loud, from my juul, I will not be quarantined. doesn’t he see I need my pods? washington is corrupt and flawed. they don’t understand the teens, and all of our memes, making fun of nancy pelosi and the squad*. don’t take my juul, donald trump. it won’t bring your polls out of slump. macalester’s mad! and without the juul fad, what else will we put up our rump?

*The Squad is a group of four congresswomen elected in the 2018 United States House of Representatives elections, made up of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York, Ilhan Omar of Minnesota, Ayanna Pressley of Massachusetts and Rashida Tlaib of Michigan. All are women of color under 50 and have been placed by news outlets such as Refinery29 and Politico on the left wing of the Democratic Party. The group has been said to represent the demographic diversity of a younger political generation and the advocacy of progressive policies such as the Green New Deal which have sometimes clashed with their party’s leadership. Ocasio-Cortez coined the “Squad” name in an Instagram post a week after Election Day.

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SATURDAY, THE TWENTY-THIRD OF NOVEMBER IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD TWO THOUSAND AND NINETEEN AT FIVE O’ CLOCK

The dress code is white tie formal.

Invitees will be serenaded by the renowed Makalester Traditions

We request the honour of your presence for an evening of refreshments and cultured conversation whilst partaking in complimentary gourmet juul pods

The Juulian Soirée

Pre-Winter Ball, Post-Pregaming Social Event of the Season

to the

You are cordially invited

Hell: It’s a MatcH! It was supposed to be just another class to fill a credit, but the hope of a triumphant return to the school year- and the dating-app scene- shatters. If Sartre was right in stating that hell is other people, then tinder matches inhabit the 9th circle. Soaked in the realization of your own isolation and the absurdity of life, you chose to grasp the absurdity of Tinder.

You swear you’ve had a nightmare like this before. This is truly the humiliating moment of your downfall. Your stomach drops suddenly, and your calm frame of mind plunges with it. Time seems to creep at an agonizingly slow pace, every tick of the clock reverberates in your skull and emphasizes your hubris and folly. Like a lamb led to slaughter, every step toward a seat your heartbeat thuds louder, you approach an execution of your own design.

You ponder: is this how a baby seal feels, in the path of a killer whale? A wave of regret passes through your body, the idiotic redownloading of Tinder on a late-night, the regret of the mindless swiping for hours. The twisted paths of fate and horniness led you here. Macalester College, OLRI, classroom- with the only spare seat adjacent to the person you matched with only a few days before classes started. Your ass accidentally brushes their shoulder and grinds on their head as you maneuver your way into the overly intimate connected OLRI swivel chairs.

And how hopeful those few halcyon days had been! The sweet infatuation of a new match, who didn’t make pick-up lines, or watch the office, or even hunt anything for sport, was intoxicating, but the pressure of composing a perfect reply had led you to forget the conversation, the match. But now, the cruel hand of fate refuses to let them be forgotten.

As the desire to run fills every fiber of your being, you briefly recall a rabbit, frozen in absolute terror, its Lucie 40,000 heart spasming and thudding like a hummingbird in a another nature documentary. You are now that rabbit.

Scorpio Your eyes meet, and in their glassy pupils, you see the Just a bad boy looking for a same emotions. A shared fear, a twinge of solidarity good time >:) for the absurdity of the situation.

What now?! Revive the conversation? How?!

On Tinder, or a moodle DM?? Your heart aches with yearning for an answer.

Later that day, you hook up with them on the Carnegie fire escape and never- ever- speak again.

IN CARE OF: THE HEGEMONCLE SUBJECT: TURCK 5 Every day.

Every day, I would walk up the front stairs of Turck, never noticing it. Perhaps the long, arduous trek up the stairs to my room on Turck 4 blinded me from its presence.

Until one day.

I was walking back from a party in 30 Mac when I looked up and saw it. The half set of a stairwell, with a locked door tightly wrapped in chains. My friend turned to me, and asked: “What do you think is up there?”

“I dunno, Turck 5?” I snickered.

“Haha, that’s good!” he replied.

The next day, I ran into my RA, Carl. We exchanged pleasantries, and before we each went our separate ways, I asked him: “Hey Carl, what’s on Turck 5?”

Carl’s large grin and happy demeanor quickly turned sour.

“Don’t EVER ask me that question again! In fact, don’t even go near that door! Better yet, just forget that it ever existed!” he said, with a quiet yet stern voice, the same he uses to let us know that quiet hours have started.

Carl rushed off, surveying the hallways, as if something was going to jump out and grab him.

Something was off. Carl, a constantly boisterous and happy lad, became mean, anxious and upset with the mere mention of Turck 5. What was up there? I had to find out. As member of the Mac Weekly, it was my journalistic duty to investigate.

Pictured: Carl, the subject at hand, acting uncharacteristically belligerent.

Chad, who lives down the hall from me, was rumored to have a lock cutter. I knocked on his door.

“Hey Chad, it’s me. Can I come in?”

“Sure hold on a sec. I’m feeding my Nintendogs” he replied.

He opened the door.

“Hey Chad, have you ever been to Turck 5?” I asked.

“Nope.” he replied, not even glancing up from his Nintendo DS. “I want to go up there, and I was wondering if I could borrow your lock cutter”

He went over to his roommate’s bed and grabbed the lock cutters from under it. He walked over to his bed, looked down, and froze.

“What’s wrong” I asked.

“My nintendogs… they’re dead,” he stuttered.

“I’m sorry man.”

“I cannot be consoled. You will have to do the rest on your own,” he said and gave me the lock cutters.

Pictured: Live action shot of Chad playing Nintendogs

I headed over to the stairwell, hoping not to be seen by Carl. I took the lock cutters and with all my might I broke the locks. I opened the door. I walked down a decrepit hallway with blotches of red paint on walls. Or was it blood? I opened the door at the end of the hallway, fearing the worst…

Pictured: Max the Cat and his secret vice, MarioKart Wii according sources. He hasn’t lost a game in 378 days.

Inside there was a room with a flatscreen TV and beanbags. People were playing Mario Kart. The game paused. Someone got up.

It was Carl.

He looked at me, clearly pissed.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? I told you not to come up here!”

“What’s going on? Why are you playing Mario Kart with BriRo, Cheryl Doucette, and Max the Cat?” I asked, in utter bewilderment.

“MEeeOOoooWWWww!” screamed Max. “Shut up you orange hairball, half the school has no clue who the fuck you are” Cheryl said, in annoyance.

“Hiss” replied Max.

Pictured: Live shot of Max the Cat and BriRo indulging in a wild round of MarioKart Wii. This image was taken mere moments before BriRo seized and smashed my phone. I was able to airdrop it to Chad before it was too late.

BriRo stood up.

“Now if you don’t mind, can you leave?

We have a game to finish. Also, good luck trying to tell people about this, because no one will ever fucking believe you”.

This is my story. I submitted it to The Mac Weekly, but they refused to publish this piece (perhaps, they too, are in this secret, or perhaps, they know too much…). With nowhere else to turn, I came to the Hegemoncle. Please, I beg of you, publish my writings. The people must be aware of these crimes. These are my undeniable truths.

PLEASE.

Help Needed: President Brian Rosenberg Abducted by the Fair Folk

Multiple sources have reported seeing Brian Rosenberg, current Macalester president, being pulled into a stone circle by small humanoids and disappearing along with them.

Experts have suggested he could be gone for as long as 100 years, complicating the process of choosing a new President. On the other hand, Administration has published an announcement saying they basically do everything these days anyway, and the college will continue functioning.

Do you get tired of the plain, old Brian Rosenberg? Well, luckily for you, the Hegemoncle News Team has uncovered four new Brian Rosenbergs, created by the Board of Trustees back in 2012 during the Great 30 Mac Fire of 2012-2013.

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New FYC for Rich Fuckers News, p.3

themacweekly.com.org

Squirrel attacks BriRo, is hospitalized Features, p.69

We do the News, you do the Views

Capitalism??? Is Bad???

Opimion, p.81

Vol 126, No. ???

MCST Tries New Merch, Fails Miserably

By TOBE HOOPER Actual Writer At This Paper Don’t Look That Up

Even with last year’s spike in first year students, some departments on campus are experiencing student shortages. The Media and Cultural Studies department, known for being more vague in purpose than ‘American Studies’, lost a third of their students in the class of 2019. This major loss came at the worst time for the new department chair, Joan Shelton, who’d been ushered last spring.

“Pierre [Giroux] just looked me in the eyes, told me there was no escape, and locked

me in the office. Did you know the only food in the MCST office is our surplus of La Croix? Do you know how hungry I am?

Do you?”

Tired, starved, and living off of fizzy water that tastes like a lemon was washed in a nearby sink, Morgam turned to recent graduates for answers.

“No one even knows what Media and Cultural Studies is,” said one anonymous alumni. “Media makes sense, sure, but what the hell is a cultural study? Do you know how vague that is?” Alumni pointed out that course titles like Transnational Character of Alternative Culture and Cultures of Neoliberalism make no

sense to lost first years.

If complicated class names weren’t enticing, the staff needed a game plan. According to alumni, there was another thing the department needed: cool swag.

Other programs offer their students exciting merchandise like shirts and mugs, or in the English department’s case, a lifelong membership to the Pompous Wanker Club. To alumni, MCST’s promise of unlimited fizzy water didn’t count as department swag.

“Kids are weak,” remarked one professor as he chugged his third can of sparkling bathwater. “Back in my day, the only fruit we ever got was from the sweet, subtle taste of La Croix.”

The professor offered a can out to our intrepid reporter.

He hasn’t been seen since.

Understanding that La Croix wasn’t going to cut it, the department staff put their heads together to come up with an appealing piece of swag. Their first attempt was a personalized copy of the Communist Manifesto. Leb Thompson’s addition of red rhinestones and dollar signs, though appreciated by the staff, was deemed “Literally the opposite of communism” by alumni.

We asked one student how he felt about the bedazzled Manifesto. “Yeah, I was just trying to find the bathroom when they ambushed me. All I could hear were whispers about Marx and Engels before they shoved it into my hands and scrambled off into the darkness.”

With the Manifesto a bust, the team went back to the drawing board. This time they had to do something unique and fun.

They wanted to be, as Leb Thompson later explained, “So shocking that those first years wouldn’t know what the fuck hit them.” Thus, the MCST Staff Calendar was born.

“Was this a good idea?” Shelton repeated our question. “God, no it wasn’t.

Who the fuck let Pierre and Leb in charge of this?”

Pierre Giroux, who specializes in the study of new media forms, was firmly in favor of using Bitmoji™ for every picture.

“It’d be funny,” he informed us from an undisclosed point on the Mississippi river.

“Bitmojis™ are interactive and customizable! Everyone could get their own Bitmoji™ and incorporate it into the calendar.”

The Bitmoji™ calendar was voted down 4-3. The deciding vote was Beremey Meckler, who thought that using Bitmoji™ was a last ditch effort to appear relevant.

With little time left, Joan and Beremey were forced to put aside their differences. They traveled to the Idea Lab to put together a draft calendar.

“I think we went overboard with the glitter,” Leb said as he peeled a glob of glitter glue off of his laptop.

“As it turned out, no one really wanted to be in the calendar,” Shelton explained, flipping through the pages made from construction paper and fabric swatches. “So we just used pictures of Nick from when he was at Mac.” Nick Nickolson, visiting professor and alleged vegan, could not be reached for a comment.

The real test came at the beginning of the semester, when a young, eager first year ascended to the third floor of Neill to declare their major.

“I wouldn’t say they were disappointed,” reported Shelton. “They took the calendar with them after some encouragement.”

“The glitter stuck to my hand,” the anonymous student told us later. “My roommate had to burn it off with her lighter.” When asked if they enjoyed the calendar, the student said, “Well, I used it to roll blunts, if that’s what you meant.”

It wasn’t.

“We’re going back to the drawing board with this next one,” Pierre told us afterward. “I’m thinking we should personalize a box of La Croix for every new member of the department.”

Our reporter later asked the committee on financial affairs if the MCST department even had the money for that. The answer, she discovered, was a hard no.

Next week: English Department Cover-Up Reveals Treat Night Fund Embezzlement

Where the All-Knowing Hege™ sees Macalester icons in Ten Years: Your Fjallraven Backpack:

Brian Rosenberg:

Shredded into strips and being used as padding for the local animal shelter.

Running a beauty parlor in southern Italy.

Mac the Scot:

Has anthropomorphized and become a fully functioning, living entity that sleeps in The Tunnels™ underneath campus and eats food from the compost bins on campus like the squirrels do.

The Loch:

Max the Cat:

Dupre Hall:

Still standing.

Repainted green to look more like a tree (sustainable).

Officially converted into Frat Row and ordained a sacred ground by the Mac Athletics subgroup of Weyerhaeuser Chapel.

somehow still sitting in the same classroom talking to the poor visiting professor who doesn‛t know how to tell that student that it has been so many minutes, hours, days, years since class actually ended and that he wants to go home really badly.

The Rock:

Gone. It has been replaced by Olin Twice (new science building)

Snelling Avenue, South of Campus:

finally fucking divested from.

Diameter increased by 28 millimeters (spray paint).

New Theater Building:

Living in Beverly Hills in what used to be the home of Madonna.

Oil Investments:

The one kid in your poli sci class who won‛t hold back his opinion:

Renamed to “The Opehn” to signify Macalester‛s devotion to inclusivity and diversity.

The Person Reading This Right Now:

In a coma. You pick up the new edition of The Hegemonocle Humor Magazine.

You see a piece about the future and decide to read it. It is this piece. We knew you would be interested in reading this. Please, wake up. It has been ten years. We miss you. We know you‛re still in there, even though your High Waisted body has been comatose for so long. Please, please, come back. This is our last hope.

Jeans: Put down the magazine and come back Have gone so high that to us. Wake up from your coma, we the Weed-ian has been know you can do it. renamed the Jeans-ian.

Breaking news:

BriRo to speak out on Imminent Threat to College

Last night, BriRo addressed the campus wide emergency that has been on the forefront of the student body as of late: Limate Change. Speaking in front of a burning pyre of green scooters, BriRo told the student body that this is the biggest issue facing our generation “since people became scared of the Koolaid man.”

In this last month, Grand Avenue closed down to clean up the lime scooter spills that have caused aesthetic outrage among students.

Just last week, campus security busted a ring of “lime juicers” in GDD. The Hege caught up with Head of Campus Security while he was chucking scooters off of the roof of Old Main. “You should have seen the size of this operation! The kicker was that, technically, charging Lime Scooters in your dorm room isn’t prohibited in the student handbook. We were able to get them ‘cause their cables were wrapped around their sprinkler head. We sent those juice-heads right where they belong - The Jug!” The electrical usage on campus has decreased by 600% since the last crack down.

BriRo has announced the start of programs such as the “Limeate Change Initiatives,’’ which will aim to rid the campus of excess Limes.

Initiatives include: Anyone with a Lime scooter being banned from campus, substantially reducing the population of St. Thomas students on the Macalester campus.

A new course offering: The Psychology of Limeate Change A Thursday night Lecture Series: “Spinning out of Control: Lime is not Right” PBR was quoted on Tuesday, saying: “We have ignored the Limeate on our campus for much too long. We must acknowledge that some people believe that Limeate will repair itself, but this is a systemic issue that begins and ends with us… and St.Thomas fraternities. We need to hold the scooter companies accountable and abolish the culture that thinks that Lime scooters are an acceptable future for our children! Through these small acts, we will end Limeate change once and for all!”

Hege Appétit!

The Weekly Culinary Column written by reviewer in residence, Hanz Burkley. This week we look at some of the secondary dining options at Macalester College

The Grille

The Grille has a terrific, diverse array of dining and beverage options for every scenario a Macalester student may encounter. Oversleep and need a fast breakfast before class? Use a breakfast swipe to grab a Quaker Oatmeal Berry Medley. Want a pick-me-up before your afternoon lecture? A hot chai should do the trick! Vigorously masturbate for three hours and miss dinner? Look no further than the black-bean avocado quesadilla. The Grille truly has something for everyone.

Atrium Market

Arguably the most popular “favorite” of all Macalester dining institutions.

The sandwiches are a sure bet, and the free avocado and bacon are big pluses. Definitely a solid place to grab a quick lunch, if your definition of “quick” is waiting in a half hour line for a wrap assembled like a deflated basketball. The oatmeal raisin cookies are insulting.

Nessie’s in The Loch Everything is wet and the guy is mean to me

Scotty’s

A beloved Macalester staple. I would knock it down points for cultural appropriation, but it’s barely even recognizable as Tex-Mex. With Scotty’s, you know what your getting every time: hard rice, soggy meat, tasty guac, and serviceable salsa. It is the perfect amount of greasy and disgusting to just be palatable. Would I bring Scotty’s home to the parents for dinner? No. Would I let Scotty’s give me a quick blowie in the bathroom stall of a Kagin?

You know... I’d think about it.

L.C. Performance Bowls In my 50 years of food review, I can honestly say I have never tasted a better meal than the Leonard Center Performance Bowls. The geniuses at Bon Appétit have formulated a revolutionary new culinary technique that has sent reverberations throughout the culinary world.

The strategy? Not seasoning their food. The bases-brown rice, quinoa, or lentils-- pair off perfectly with the raw vegetable toppings. The plain chickpeas and tempeh are satisfyingly neutral in your mouth. The chicken, dry as a bone, takes a long time to chew, so you can taste it longer! It is the first meal I have had where the food tastes the same as the bowl it comes in. Want to give a little ethnic heat to your Performance Bowl? Sprinkle some of the complementary sunflower seeds and dried cranberries on top. Bon Appetit has once again outdone themselves and continue to set the bar for not only dining at Macalester, but nationwide culinary standards.

A Prayer for PFs O! Bless’d BriRo who aren’t in the house the college pays for, hear our prayer! Many days has it been since we have been granted thy gifts of potential freshmen upon Cafe Macalester. We entreat upon you, o glorious BriRo, to bestow upon us such gifts once more!

Let our plates runneth over with bread pudding and other delicacies!

And the fork bins overflow!

Let the breakfast potatoes be seasoned!

And the stations’ rice, soft and actually cooked!

May the student workers bless us with full servings!

And the soda fountain (you know the one) give unto us the right drink!

Let the dessert cabinet be plentiful!

And let our mouths be filled with thy desserts’ soft deliciousness and not thy usual dry crumbs!

O bless’d BriRo, Glory by thy Name! Listen to our plea! We will endure the plague of long lines and parents for such a boon! Grant unto us a bounty of first years! For we pay too fucking much for Cafe Mac’s shit otherwise.

Amen

Page 3 • Oct. 20Biteen

N E W S ...?

THE SNACC WEEKLY

New FYC for the Monetarily Advantaged

By JOHN STAMOZ Food and Drink Editor

Last week, the Hegemonocle learned of a new class to be offered next semester in the Media and Cultural Studies department. The class will be taught by professor Chris Morris, visiting Minnesota from Columbia University. Professor Morris has had great success with his rigorous course at Columbia thus far and is looking forward to a new path at Macalester.

The Hegemonocle sat down with Professor Morris at Sencha to talk about this prestigious new course. While composing an email, updating Moodle, and checking the SCOTUS blog, Mosely said, “this class is designed for the best of the best wealthy multitaskers. Essentially, I’ll be talking at my students for three hours every week–there won’t be any tests, quizzes or papers, this is really just an opportunity for these super smart kids to hone the skills they’ll need to develop to thrive in the rest of their classes at Macalester.”

A key learning objective for the class is effective strategies for ignoring professors. Prof. Morris is especially excited about the class’s final project: learning how to deflect when cold called. He says, “this is really an area I’ve seen students struggling with. It’s just not something that they’re learning in high school; I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a guilty ‘Um, can you repeat the question?’ or convoluted answers based on last week’s readings. It is so important that we get to these kids early and prevent them from embarrassing themselves. They must know that there is no shame in zoning out for long stretches of their $7,000 classes and giving irrelevant answers when called on.”

President Rosenberg himself is spearheading this effort. “Depending on the response (or lack of response) this semester, we’re thinking about expanding this program into a whole concentration… it’s essential that all the wealthy kids at Macalester have an opportunity to learn how to effectively write papers, do readings, check their email, and stay in touch with their friends - all while their professors are delivering passionate lectures to the cold, metallic backs of their students’ Macbooks.”

Pre-Requisites: • Must own a 2018 or newer Macbook Pro (with touchbar, obviously) • Must have used 2 or more of the following for at least 3 semesters: Facebook Messenger, WeChat, iMessage • Must leave iPhone on at least vibrate at all times • Must leave iPhone on desk at all times • Must take notes on your MacBook or on your iPad Pro • Must do readings in class as the professor is discussing said readings Preference will be given to student athletes.

OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THAT SHAVING WAS AN OPTION, GIRL THANKS BEARDED HOOK-UP FOR POINTING IT OUT One of St. Paul’s own, Annie Jones, had a glorious revelation last night after she brought a man back to her apartment in hopes of getting at least 1/7th of the way off. According to Annie, the couple was in the middle of a third-rate makeout session when suddenly, everything stopped. “For a second, I was grateful for the break, it gave me a chance to pull out 3 of the 7 beard hairs that had made my mouth their home,” Annie stated during our over-the-phone interview. She continued, “but unfortunately, something even worse was happening.” Worse indeed. Annie’s hook-up, Chase, had found himself absolutely blindsided by the unexpected barrage of pubic hair arising from Annie’s crotch. In a state of shock, all Chase managed to say through his episodic delirium was, “you know, it’s hotter if you shave down there.”

Annie explained the immediate shock she experienced after being told this, “I really had no idea that it was an option. I thought that I was just stuck with this huge bush forever. But, Chase really helped me figure out how to deal with my shockingly present pubic hair.”

Annie’s pubic hair (allegedly referred to as ‘The Bush™’) thinks otherwise, “I was automatically not on board when Chase showed up wearing khakis rolled up so high that I could see the bottom of his kneecaps. Chase and his puka shell necklace were here for what, 15 minutes, before I got in the way? Annie couldn’t even defend me before I was equated to the CGI vagina portal from Stranger-fucking-Things.” We asked The Bush™ if they ever would have expected such an encounter and they responded, “I mean, lately she’s been into the types of guys who insist on touching your lower back when passing you in a “close” space, but I never thought she’d stoop to the level of a guy like Chase. He’s somehow unaware of his ability to be nauseatingly insulting and is yet exceptionally proactive about hypocritically insulting anything with the very hint of a tit.”

When asked what The Bush™ would say to Chase if he were listening, Annie’s bush calmly queried, “you really think she’d ever choose you over me? You’re just another letdown that will come up in Wednesday’s therapy session when they talk about why she can’t seem to have nice things.”

The Macalester senior and Political Science Unsolicited Advice major, Chase Jones, declined our request for a comment, although he could be heard in the background of our phone call with Annie, enthusiastically singing along to Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines.

If you too struggle with not having a body as smooth as the crotch of a goddamn Chinese Crested, please call our support hotline: 1-800-MEN-SUCK

PIGS RIOT AFTER LEARNING PORK MAKES UP MAJORITY OF CAFE MAC’S DONATED FOOD SCRAPS Staff members of Barthold Farms in Butt-fuck-nowhere, Minnesota struggled to subdue porcine residents last Saturday afternoon as information of the farm-wide cannibalism rapidly spread. All pigs have since been handed off to the local humane society, but tensions are still high amongst surviving staff of the food recycling farm.

The still dazed head farmer, Robby Pickton gave an official comment on the events, “we still have no idea how they found out they were eatin’ their own kind… or how they became self-aware… or learned how to get into an offensive formation…or talk?...” He blacked out before he could finish, still holding onto several of the pigs’ picket signs, all bearing cliché quotes from Animal Farm.

While research on the situation has just begun, initial data is suggesting that the hogs at Barthold Farms had extraordinarily low levels of serotonin, the cause of which has been traced back to the food scraps from the catering company, Bon Appétit.

We were able to break Pig #4378 out of the humane society for a brief interview. Unprompted, Pig #4378 quickly began, “First, these assholes make us eat shitty college leftovers that almost immediately make you exhibit symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder, but then the SAD hippie food is all made of HOG?! Y’all know where the food is going! You know your plate is full of uneaten pork and yet, you still happily hand it over to a shit ton of pigs?!” After this tirade, Pig #4378 bit the arms of his handler clean off, stood his two back legs (making him a towering 7ft), and promptly sprinted across the nearby highway with perfect form. As we headed back to Barthold Farms to wrap up with Farmer Pickton the crew was able to record a faint “Y’all nasty!” over the sound of the traffic…

This article is dedicated to the 3 Barthold Farms staff members who lost their lives and the 14 who lost limbs in the riot. Please call (763)555-7447 to offer your condolences or if you have information regarding Pig #4378’s whereabouts.

Hey doctor _______________, (insert last name)

What the __________________ is wrong with you? No sane person holds a night class in the (preferred swear word)

_______________ floor of ________________. When I signed up for _________________, I wish I’d known (your mom’s age)

(building you dislike)

(obscure topics course)

you’d be so boring! As a(n) ____________ I shouldn’t have to take a _______________ (STEM Major)

(gen ed requirment)

course. I’m a godDAMN S C I E N T I S T. Do you think taking a(n) __________will help me get into (arts course)

___________________________? Do you? DO YOU? (med school you probably won’t get into)

Best Wishes, _________ (Your name)

Dear___________________, (professor’s first name)

My idiot roommates and I are watching ______________________. An important question was raised that (television show or movie)

we can’t agree on: who is the hottest ___________ character? I think that the obvious choice is (tv or movie)

_______________________. This is a very important that warrants a response from a wise and intelligent (blatantly unhot character)

______________________ professor. Unfortunately, __________________ is not available. (professor’s department)

(Department Chair)

___________ , (Your name)

___________ (Your name)

Uhhh, Hey professor _______. I hope this doesn’t sound ______________, but I think I saw you on Seeking (last name)

(negative adjective)

Arrangements. Is there a reason you’re promoting yourself as a sugar __________? Not that I’m in the market (preferred title)

for one. Just curious, when you said you’re looking for a__________ year old who likes to _____________ (your age)

(your favorite activity)

and can cook, were you also looking for a person who is ___________________? Again, I’m not saying (specific detail about you)

I’m looking for a ______________________. That would totally be weird hahaha... unless.. (adjective for companion/wealth source)

My profile name is _______________69. DM me on Handshake? (your student ID number)

Bachelor in Duparadise

CANCELLED

The Hegemonocle has obtained a leaked press release from the Bachelor in Duparadise head of public relations. We’ve decided to print it in its entirety in this issue: To our beloved fans and audience, We are sorry to report that Bachelor in Duparadise is set to be cancelled come November 2019 and will not be renewed for a second season.

Our network provider, MEN (Macalester Entertainment Network) has called for all production to cease effective immediately, and has announced that no episodes of BiD will air after the end of October. This was a mutual decision, prompted by the realization of both producers and network executives that the show could not go on due to the incredible frequency and intensity with which the participants, all residents of Dupre Hall, were fucking.

This behavior, while encouraged at first, eventually interrupted the flow of production to an unmanageable degree, due to the uncontainable flows of production. Contestants repeatedly missed shoots and interviews because, sadly, they were too busy sucking and fucking.

Due to this unexpected development, production costs soared as the BiD crew spent 50% of the show’s first season budget on condoms. We can no longer sustain the costs incurred in producing such a sophisticated show as Bachelor in Duparadise.

W e will miss our loyal audience, but this isn’t the end. We’re in the process of workshopping a pilot for our next series, The Real Housewives of the Veggie Co-Op. Stay tuned, and thanks for watching.

Sincerely, Bachelor in Duparadise 2019-2019

The

Brian Rosenberg Ceremony Memory Reel

The Hege goes down on Juulian on the Weedian.

Projected size of the Class of ‘42 expected to be extremely large due to Bachelor in Duparadise love children.

Brian & Tas ďŹ nd Bachelo r in DuP true love and le ave a get elop ed and s radise to pound pend th it out eir lives together .

Feeling Goofy?

Feeling naughty?

Feeling Silly?

Feeling Quirky?

Feeling fun?

Want to fall in love?

Find your bachelor in Duparadise?

Share your creative genius?

Join the Hege!

Meetings are Thursdays 9:00-10:00pm in cc206!

Drop in, or send us an email if you’re interested! Hegemonocle@macalester.edu