Valentine's Issue

The

Hegemonocle Volume 14, Issue 1

THE

Macalester

HEGEMONOCLE Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 14, Issue 1 Spring 2016 The Valentine’s Issue

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Lydia Karlson ’16 Tom Wakin ’16

EDITORIAL Managing Editor Austin Parsons ’17 Head Writer Jamie Goodin ’17

DESIGN Head of Production Ivy Bardaglio ’16

STAFF Coat Rack ’99 Spencer Carter ’16 Anthony Granai ’16 Liam Downs-Tepper ’16 Mo Usavage ’16 Myles Ambrose ’17 Marissa Heim ’17 Eli Lilleskov ’17

Yafiet Bezabih ’18 Sarah Coleman ’18 Kate Garrett ’18 Sean McDonald ’18 Noah Mondschein ’18 Danny Ochoa ’18 Thali Zikos ’18 Elizabeth Goldstein ’19

Kasia Majewski ‘19 Will Milch ’19 Elena Santarella ’19 Valerie Stenerson ’19 On Sabbatical Declan Cummings ’17 Xander Gershberg ’17

SHOUT OUTS Unconventional commutes The llama that Xander ate in Argentina (RIP) Erotica-themed fonts The party we’re having tonight Declan’s weird vest Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11 Contact us: hegemonocle@macalester.edu @hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle

The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105

Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.

The Hegemonocle is published four-ish times per academic year.

All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2016.

Editorial

One thing we think about on Valentine’s Day is not the process of becoming close with someone else;

it is the process of becoming close with our selves.

These days, it’s hard to tell if your love you love loves you back. Your love you love could love you

back, but how can you tell for sure that your love you love does love you the way you love your love you love? Furthermore, if your love you love loves you like you love your love you love does your love you love love your love for your love you love? And if your love you love does love your love you love your love, does your love’s love for your love you love your love outlove the love you love your love love you love your love loves your back you love your love loves you your love?

We certainly think so.

Last Valentine’s day, you got chicken sandwiches for your partner, and you ate them at home. This

Valentine’s day, you got a partner for your chicken sandwich. It was another chicken sandwich. You ate them both.

Everyone is emotionally repressed.

Sometimes life is like that. You eat some chicken sandwiches and you lose some partners. Everyone

knows food is erotic. But not everyone knows how to share their feelings. Sometimes you feel so much it feels too much to feel. The feelings feel too much and you don’t know how to feel the feelings you feel you feel, or the feelings you feel you feel feel the feelings you feel you feel. Feeling these feelings feels like feeling the feelings of feeling. And how can you even tell if feeling the feelings feels like feelings feelings at all?

We don’t know how to feel.

So when it comes to Valentine’s Day and you’re thinking about what you think about on Valentine’s

Day, think about The Hege. We hope this special issue helps you love how you think about how you think you feel about feeling love!

- Lydia Karlson and Tom Wakin The Macalester Hegemonocle February 2016

the daily nudes

13-Year-Old Very Excited to Masturbate on Valentine's Day, and Every Day After Forever

4

Like many Americans, 13-year-old Sport McGee is just overflowing with excitement for Valentine’s Day. Really, the excitement is just pouring out of him, just gushing out.

On this special day, Sport has decided to take the love in his little, excitement-filled heart, and give it right back to himself in the form of his favorite new hobby. It’s a little something something the kids are calling: slinging the jelly.

“I love it, it’s great, it’s just so great,” said McGee while polishing his recorder. “Wow, just, what a concept, right?”

While Sport couldn’t be more thrilled, his parents have yet to fully support their son’s Valentine’s plans. “Isn’t he supposed to give out McGee preparing to “get down to buisness.” candy or cards or something?” asked Tony McGee, Billy’s ‘biological’ father. “And why is he even telling us that he’s going to do it? Who does that? Shit, why can’t he just play Minecraft or something?”

Sport has stated that he intends to “uncork the wine” to Internet pornography of the large breasted variety. While he briefly considered slapping the salami to more ethnically diverse pornography, he decided against it upon recommendation from his father. “No I didn’t tell him to watch white porn, I just told him to stop asking me what porn to watch,” Tony said.

“I mean, is that unreasonable? Am I being an asshole right now? Whatever, at least he might not be mine.”

After Valentine’s Day, Sport plans to continue his “pen clicking” starting on February 15th and continuing every day after for as long as possible, as often as possible.

“I mean eventually someone’s going to try to stop me right?” asked McGee while pulling some rope. “There’s no way I can do something this amazing, and not have something bad happen. I’ve got to be stealing from someone somewhere. I’m definitely getting away with something Our sketch artist’s depiction of large breasts here.”

ask dr. hege

o t c r o H D e g k e! s A Dear Dr. Hege, I really wanna give my girlfriend a romantic Valentine’s Day, but I’m broke. Do you have any tips for DIY gifts and dates that cost little-to-no money?

Sincerely, Full Heart Empty Wallet

Dear Cheapskate,

The songbirds of our times are liars: Love DOES cost a thing. Money CAN buy you love. You DO have to be rich to be my girl. A macaroni necklace and homemade ramen dinner impresses no one. The only thing you can do (besides selling your belongings/organs for cash money) is to fake it ‘till you make it. Buy her some pens and spray paint that shit gold. Steal a nice pair of earrings from your more successful sister.

Call up a restaurant and beg the manager to let you pay for your meal with hard labor (bring your own dish soap to show you mean business).

All of these things may work in the short-term, but the most important piece of advice I can give you, dear child, is to accept your lonesome fate. Women want Rupert Murdoch, not Mother Teresa. If you can’t take care of your woman, someone else will.

Give her my number and go get a job, you pathetic sack of shit.

Love Always,

Dr. Hege

Dear Dr. Hege, I want to make a romantic playlist for Valentine’s night with my new boyfriend, but I really don’t want it to be cheesy. Do you have any suggestions?

Signed, V-Day DJ

Dear D-Day V-JayJay,

There is no way to make a romantic playlist that isn’t cheesy. But that’s ok! Embrace the cheese! Here are some of my favorite love songs, incorporate them as you wish.

• “Self-Esteem” by The Offspring • “The Song that Never Ends” by Norman Martin • “YMCA” by the Village People • Anything from Limp Bizkit’s second album • “Creep” by Radiohead • “The Humpty Dance” by Digital Underground • A Book-On-Tape of Lord of the Flies read by The X-Files’ Gillian Anderson • “Loser” by Beck • A live performance of the theme from Seinfeld

I hope these help! Wishing you and yours a steamy P-in-V-Day (if that’s what you’re into)!

All the best,

Dr. Hege

Arnold C. Hege, PhD, graduated from Idaho State and earned his PhD in Criminal Psychology from Kosovo Night College. He enjoys shortwalks on long grass, stealing people’s hubcaps, and Painting by Numbers. He hates answering your questions but it’s a job and “in this economy” he’ll take what he can get. Dr. Hege recently moved into an All-Gender bathroom stall in Kirk Section 6.

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N W O R U O Y E S O O H C e t a D t Firs choose your own hege-venture

Start

Alright, it’s Valentine’s Day and you’ve got a date. Don’t look too surprised, you’re a catch. Well, more of a catch and release type. But somehow you pulled it off.

You’ve got no time to lose though, the date is soon. You have about 45 minutes until you said you’d go and pick her up, and you haven’t even started getting ready yet! What do you do?

A) Immediately kick it into high gear and start getting ready. (PAGE 11) B) Finish the season finale of MasterChef Jr. (PAGE 14)

d

You dec ide tha t yo forever since yo u should just g u girl, at least, w ’ve been on a o back home.

At this d i th the T a mista po inder m ate, and thing ke to ev s had se int you’re a li notice ttle ang the dee er drive angry essages betw you’re d een the emed to be g r r crossi . In you o two of y ead on ng the r blind ing rea y. It had been l i r r l m o a o y u. g ad. You pact. Yo w P) Stay swerve e (your emotio However, as w ell with this ur fune dead (P r t n e a o s l a is very a AG Q) Com sad and void it and s tend to escala ll know, it’s e back t E 17) pin out te) you your m o life (P .T b other c AGE 14 ries a lo he crash is fa arely ) t t. What do you al and do?

He shoots you in the head, but then you wake up. You realize it was all a dream, and that you’ve wet the bed. You clean yourself off and decide that it’s time for breakfast. Everyone knows that milk and cereal is the supreme breakfast meal, so what do you have?

J

er, , howev e k a t s i am as. e made how lazy he w ’v u o y k e n end and g the rest of th you thi i , r f d y n o o b c the r a se ndin r last rself to w. usy. Fo s up he e ends up spe u b g o t n y i s r u e j b s ere Sh xcu ndo She e trash. onships. You e pe out the wi at you w ssed instead. h h t t t r u e o h a i e l esc took relat impr FIN You tel om and e never bout her past s to be o r h k h o d t o n a l a b e sh usy lking a never b date ta He was

K) Trix (PAGE 14) L) Cinnamon Toast Crunch (PAGE 17) M) Raisin Bran (PAGE 17)

6 6

O

did you know?

14 Things You Didn’t Know About Valentine’s Day (Or Maybe You Did, I Don’t Know, Fuck You): 1. Chocolate is not an aphrodisiac; chocolate makes you fatter and older until you settle.

2. If you die on Valentine’s Day, you are reincarnated as the voice in an audio greeting card.

3. Valentine’s Day is actually based on the 2010 film Valentine’s Day starring Bradley Cooper and a mötley crüe of people who look like Bradley Cooper.

4. People who say they hate Valentine’s Day actually have moderate opinions on Valentine’s Day. 5. People who say the love Valentine’s Day actually hate Valentine’s day.* 6. St. Valentine did not win the popular vote to have the Day of Love named after him; his name was appointed after Ralph Nader funneled votes away from Mother Teresa.

7. For every candy heart you don’t eat, a baby will grow up to never lose its virginity.

8. Those big stuffed bears people buy are actually small real bears that have another even smaller stuffed bear stuffed inside of them, and are then sewn into the biggest, tertiary bear.

9. Cupid is an incredibly inept serial killer.

10. Your parents have loud sex on Valentine’s Day. If you play the sounds backwards, it forms a treasure map. The treasure is your grandparents having even louder sex.

11. If you don’t buy anything on Valentine’s Day, a gang of elderly men will follow you around and spit tobacco on your shoes.

12. Contrary to popular belief, parodies of the “Roses Are Red” poem did not become overdone and unfunny in 1942. To begin with they were never funny.

13. The Catholic Church tried to start their own Valentine’s Day, but it didn’t work; their dates kept telling their parents.

14. The record for most searing loneliness on Valentine’s Day was set by Lenny McLemon in 2006.

He registered an 87 on the “I Didn’t Ask to Be Born Scale”. *See: 4.

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tips & tricks

How to get through a breakup

second awkward eye contact

start

your class

lost the dog

awkward eye contact

chased by dog

Key Your route - Dupre to Old Main Their route - Kird to Carnegie

still being chased by dog

Recently broken up with your boo due to unmet Valentine’s Day expectations? Don’t worry, we have some tips to get you back on your feet and meet someone who does like the idea of a romantic dinner on the roof of Dupre.

1. Take an unconventional route to class (see map).

2. Join The Hegemonocle. They say laughter is the best medicine.

3. Sweat the sadness out at Kagin. Dance vigorously and don't make more than a couple of irreversible mistakes.

4. Eat on the other side of Cafe Mac. Alienating all of your friends is a small price to pay for recovery.

5. Exclusively hang out with PFs. By the time they find out about your breakup, there will be a new round of PFs ready to replace them.

6. Switch majors. Odds are you guys met in a class you had together, and there's nothing worse than watching your ex fall for a mutual group member that they at one point subtly said was cute and you picked up on it but didn't say anything because if you knew one thing it was that you weren’t going to be the dramatic one in the relationship again.

7. Climb the ranks of MCSG and get your ex expelled. No one said this would be easy.

8. Prepare snappy comebacks for people that notice how devastated you are. We suggest “you should see the other guy,” or “haha like honestly no sweat it's chill don't worry.”

9. Go to a Macalester basketball game. You definitely won’t run into your ex there, or anyone else for that matter.

10. Get married. That'll show 'em.

ods:

ic Fo t n a m o R • •

8 8

•

Fondue (Lots of potential for puns) Funyuns (Basically a bag of cock rings) Ethiopian (Shows you’re good

• • • •

with your hands) Spaghetti (Works your cheek muscles) Wine (It’s not a food) Deviled Eggs (What a bad boy!)

MSG (Enhances your evening)

ods:

ic Fo t n a m o r Un • • • •

Chocolate (Cliché) Donuts (Too yonic) Steak (Don’t give your date a knife) Cream of Mushroom Soup (Not mush room for puns)

tips & tricks

Alone on Valentine’s Day? Try these fun singles activities!

· Hang out with other single friends · Watch Zombeavers on Netflix · Adopt some cats · Blast Kanye’s new album · Accept your eternal solitude · Make mac ‘n cheese and then just eat the sauce · Call your mom and ask her how that rash is doing · Watch turtles humping shoes · Masturbate but then stop because the cats are watching · Feel judged by cats · Keep going because at least somebody noticed

d e t c e j e R

CANDY HEART MESSAGES

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choose your own hege-venture

A

You overestimated how long it would take you to get ready. You finish getting ready with plenty of time to spare. You end up getting to Nora’s (her name is Nora by the way) house a little early. She comes out looking a little flustered and slightly angry from being rushed since you got there early. As she gets into your car you turn down the radio so the two of you can talk. As you drive to the restaurant the two of you engage in small talk. Where did you go to school? How’s work going? What did you think of the season finale of MasterChef Jr? She seems particularly excited about that last topic. However, as you discuss the television excellence that is MasterChef Jr. it slowly becomes apparent that you did not see all of the season finale. It’s the final straw when you cannot name the winner (it was Addison). With a look of disgust Nora requests that you pull over. When you do, she gets out of the car and begins to walk away. What do you do?

C) Follow her (PAGE 17) D) Go back home (PAGE 6) E) Go to your reservation by yourself (PAGE 14)

F

word

You decide enough is enough. You barely know this girl anyways. You return to your car and drive back home. You finish that episode of MasterChef Jr., and it’s good, great even.

You go into work on Monday, but you feel distracted. For some reason you feel r y o u like you made a mistake. You should have turned down that alleyway, you shouldn’t have let your fear run your life. It’s too late though, you already made your choice. And you just keep making more choices like that, never truly taking any risks. You tried dating some more after the incident (that’s what you dubbed it), but you find yourself unable to truly ever connect with anyone. You continue to work at the same company for forty more years. You retire but the by.”

Ice Baeconomy is bad, so you end up going back to work as a Walmart greeter. When you die at 93 you’ve lived a long life, longer than most, but there was nothing truly notable about it. You leave behind all your belongings to Candice, who was your caretaker in your latest years, having no other loved ones to bestow them upon.

FIN

G

What the hell, you think, as you turn down the alleyway. You’re curious to see where the night takes you. However, you were utterly unprepared for the sight that greets you.

The lovely Nora no longer seems lovely, as she sheds her skin and reveals the reptilian scales underneath. You let out a quiet gasp, but it wasn’t quiet enough. She hears you. She turns and releases a primal howl, barring her pointed teeth at you. She prepares to leap at you when a grizzled man jumps down from the rooftops. He pulls out a pistol and in one quick shot puts the beast down. He then turns the gun on you and says, “You’re either with us, or against us. “ What are you?

H) I’m with you (PAGE 17) I) Against you (PAGE 14) J) What (PAGE 6) Start your adventure on PAGE 6!

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hegerotica

A Very Special

Valentine's Lay

He was creative, that cannot be denied. When I followed the rose petals into the bedroom, I certainly was not expecting to find a hollowed-out watermelon and a stack of old newspapers. But I didn’t doubt Rutherford’s sexual expertise. After all, he was the kingdom’s Duke of Dick. I trusted that, on this fateful February 14th, I was destined to experience at least 1.25 loam-shaking orgasms.

I prepared myself for his entry, flopping my bubble-gum pink legs open spread-eagle on the straw mattress. I squirmed a bit, but was determined not to let my severe hay allergy ruin the night.

He strode in on his noble steed, a man called Jerry whom Rutherford paid to act as his horse. Jerry bid me adieu with a tip of his fedora and galloped off into the sunset. Duke Rutherford disrobed and stood erect, allowing me to admire his physique. T’was acceptable.

“Your cavern beckons to me, m’lady.” He examined me, his arms akimbo. “Is it moist?”

“Huh?”

“Your cavern? Is it moist?”

“M’lord, I do not understand your inquiry.”

He sighed. I, a lowly peasant girl, simply didn’t understand his high falutin language.

“May I insert my sword into your sheath?”

“Like a real sword or your flesh sword?”

“Flesh sword, m’lady.”

“Yeah, sure, go nuts.”

His sword felt more like a dagger and I lay there, waiting for the fireworks my fellow milkmaids described to me. If anything, it was more like the lighting of a trick candle, which lit for a moment and then blew away too soon. He was spouting all kinds of proclamations, complimenting his own sexual prowess, calling himself a noble steed and whatnot. I did not find truth in such statements, but was content to lay back and watch his excitement. After all, he was royalty.

Soon he shotteth his wad and exited my orifice. I arranged my skirts and thanked him for his time, but he had already turned his attention to the watermelon, which he thrust into with the vigor of a Roman army. I said farewell and walked out to the pastures where the milkmaids had congregated. I had an intuition that their knowledgeable hands would be more skillful than any Duke’s flesh sword.

For more steamy tales, check out The Countess of Caverns series by Andromeda Dildo, available in your grocer’s check out aisle.

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cumpatability quiz Below is a series of questions used to determine the compatibility between you and your current casual sex friend/soulmate. Answer the questions and consult the key when you’re done.

How many quick-release knots can you tie?

A) Just the ones my scout leader taught me B) What’s a quick-release knot?

C) 3 D) None of the above

HEGEMONOCLE COMPATIBILITY QUIZ

What’s your idea of a perfect date?

A) Playing horseshoes until you can’t feel your fingers B) Playing with hand grenades until you don’t have fingers C) Touring a Pep Boys Auto Shop D) 5 cent coffee date at Saint Paul Corner Drug

Pick a lube flavor!

A) Hot Apple Pie B) Mint Chip C) Guacamole D) Douglas Fir

Which of these things is the biggest deal breaker?

A) They have toes for fingers B) They insist on spending about 20 minutes after every meal chewing, eating, and digesting a 3 inch by 3 inch square of cardboard.

C) They exclusively speak in rhyme D) They wear fitted baseball caps low over their eyes

If you had to pick someone to be shipwrecked on an island with, who would it be?

A) Jim Hoppe (in a pirate

outfit) B) Jim Hoppe (in the nude) C) Jim Hoppe (in the flesh) D) Jim Hoppe (in cardboard cutout form)

What keeps you going?

A) Your kids B) Your job C) Your chickens D) The little voice inside that keeps you up at night

How has the idea that the Yellowstone volcano could erupt at any moment, devastating the American Midwest, affected your sex life?

A) You only use fire retardant condoms B) You avoid people surrounded by clouds of ash C) What?!

D) You are inspired by the extreme buildup of pressure

What do you text when you mean to say “Hello?”

A) “Greetings” B) “yo yo yo” C) “hayy” D) “waddup, jou”

What’s your favorite milk percentage?

Guess what?

What trait do you look for in your mate?

What’s lost in your couch?

A) a smaller couch B) a petrified rat C) a beer cork D) a ball gag

A) Chicken butt?

B) You’re pregnant?

C) I’m pregnant?

D) The dog ran away?

A) Strong molars B) Adaptability C) 420-friendliness D) Nice veins

A special lottery is to be held to select the student who will live in the only deluxe room in a dormitory.

There are 100 seniors, 150 juniors, and 200 sophomores who applied. Each senior’s name is placed in the lottery 3 times; each junior’s name, 2 times; and each sophomore’s name, 1 time. What is the probability that a senior’s name will be chosen?

A) 1/8 C) 2/7 B) 2/9 D) 3/8

A) 1% B) Whole because you don’t fuck around C) Skim D) 2% with a little bit of fat added to make it more like 3%

KEY: If you picked mostly A’s, you’re compatible with people who picked mostly B’s If you picked mostly B’s, you’re compatible with people who picked mostly C’s or people who picked no D’s If you picked mostly C’s, you’re compatible with people who picked exactly half C’s and nothing else If you picked mostly D’s, you’re compatible with people who didn’t take the time to finish the quiz

13

choose your own hege-venture

He shoots you in the head and you die.

FIN

B

I

You’ve already committed so much time, you might as well finish this episode. And man, oh man is it a great episode. There’s slicing, there’s dicing, there’s even a bit of icing . . . some cupcakes. You weep tears of joy when you find out that your girl, Addy, won. You finish up the episode and get ready for your date. But you’re running a little late now. You pull up to her apartment in your brand spanking-new Subaru. As she exits the building she eyes your amazing car as you eye her amazing tube-socks. You especially appreciate the rhinestones studded into her jean jacket. She asks you why you were late. What do you tell her?

N) The truth (PAGE 17) O) That you were “busy” (PAGE 6)

You feel life begin to flow back into your corpse. But . . . it feels wrong somehow. You burst out of your coffin as a member of the recently reanimated. Your mother screams and your two younger brothers stand by, horrified.

You are soon overcome by an unholy hunger. You lunge at your cousin Maurice, tearing his neck with your teeth. Everyone is screaming now. You realize what you’re doing but you can’t stop. You kill three more people until one of your brothers manages to bash your head in with your own tombstone.

Q

FIN

You already made the reservation, so why waste it? You end up having a great time. The food is great, and the wine is even better. Eventually, a woman approaches you. She says that she admires you for your confidence, telling you how brave you are for coming here despite being stood up. You try to make some excuse for yourself, but she cuts you off with a question. Have you ever thought about getting into politics? Nine years later you’re pulling ahead bit by bit in the Iowa caucus. Your running mate, the next Bush!, congratulates you.

E

FIN

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K

Wrong choice. Trix are for kids.

FIN Start your adventure on PAGE 6!

luv letterz

Dear Student Body, Yes friends, the air is heavy with the funk of your collective junk on this fine midwinter morning which can only mean one thing: Valentine’s Day is right around the corner.

Ah, Valentine’s Day. Ah, love. Now I may not look it, but I am a stickler for this holiday, maybe it’s just the inner romantic in me, or maybe it’s because those wonderful little rock-hard-cock-hard heart shaped candies are just to die for. Anyway, I wanted to write to you all with some friendly safety reminders/ tips on how to get your lovin’ on, because let’s be honest I have more sexual experience than all of you combined. I mean it’s not your fault, it’s just that as you get older you learn more and more tricks, not just your basic sit, shake, lie down, you know? I mean just ask your parents, and especially your grandparents. God your grandparents must have gotten into some hot and steamy shit, I’ll bet money they’ve eaten peanut butter out of each others asses for sure, and imagine all the possibilities with the wrinkles! You can do so many things with loose skin, you have no idea, just thinking about it puts me in heat. Ahem, anyway, on to the safety tips. First up, condoms: do not eat them. I know they’re super colorful, but trust me, they’re a real nightmare to pass. Also make sure to stay away from feces of unknown origin, sure it’s the most intriguing but that’s how you get worms. Next up, love tips! To all you loners out there, boy do I have some advice for you.

There are two kinds of loners, the ones who have loved and lost, and those who have never loved at all (Keeping in mind that none of you even know what real love truly is and most of you probably never will.) For the first group I’d recommend getting absolutely smashed and eating your roommates valentines chocolates while they’re out on their date. They’ll have to make you throw up afterwards, but it will be worth it. For the latter group, I’d recommend sequestering yourself so that you’re less of a downer to the critters with someone special in their life, maybe go for a nice walk, dig up a frozen squirrel and roll around in it to disguise the bitter smell of desolation.

And last, but not least, some advice for all you crazy couples trying to spice things up in the bedroom, my counsel is simple, the furrier the better.

Sincerely, Kevin, the Therapy Dog.

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hege-rtainment

Valentine’s day movies

Greetings Readers,

Once again I, Pierre Nagh, will be reviewing the Hollywood classics that will be coming out this Valentine’s day. There is a lot to get through, so I’ll just jump right in.

The Day After Valentine’s Day – The true blockbuster hit of this season stars George Hemsworth, who perfectly shows that someone who gained so much fame as a bass guitar playing rock star also can be human and vulnerable. We come out thinking that we are just like him, putting our socks on one after the other. (or two on one foot and none on the other) Thrilleress – The most underrated of this year’s releases, Thrilleress takes us through the short lived romance of Lisa Marie Prestly and Michael Jackson. The documentary style of the film may turn off some viewers, but those who do check out the movie are greeted by the warm sight of Jackson’s (Michael Cera) muscular ankles. He spent three weeks toning them before his performance, until they were just right. And it shows.

The Portrait– A movie with so much potential, but unfortunately this is one I would avoid. Ellen Sirot, one of my all time favorite stars, takes the lead in this movie, but the director/executive producer Quentin Tarantino makes another visually lacking film. Sirot, who plays the longtime girlfriend of a marine returning to service, is the only redeeming feature in this film otherwise devoid of skin. Most audience members will come out of the film only remembering the scene where Sirot changes from heels to working shoes, as the rest of the movie only focuses on her counterpart’s PTSD as he returns from the war. Or something.

Tales from the Plains – Despite its PG rating, there is some hot and steamy action in this thriller. I wouldn’t bring my children to this one. Tim Allen voices Ham, a boy lost in the forest who teams up with a bunch of cavemen on his quest to find his sweetheart. I can’t believe the director made the cavemen shoeless the whole movie. It was hard for me to contain myself. Certain times the camera would zoom in on the group running over rocks and twigs. Those shots put me on edge.

Toe Jammin’ – I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more perfect work in my whole life. My index toe could not stop shaking the whole ride. From the opening scene, my heels were on fire. Meagan Good Where Do All Those Sexy Bag plays a shoemaker who is more interested in making her husband’s feet Condoms Go? comfortable than raking in a profit, taking on the shoe industry as a whole.

I wish I could tell you how the movie ended, but I was thrown out of the • Replacement bagpipe sacks theater by some obnoxious patrons who, apparently, couldn’t watch because • Impoverished upperclassmen they were distracted by “the creepy guy sucking on his toes the whole time.”

• The Condom Gremlins Some people just can’t recognize true appreciation when the see it. I still give • Hazy nights this movie five toes out of five though.

• Some sick pranks, bro • Optimism

16

choose your own hege-venture

C

There’s really only one choice here. You put your car into park and begin to follow her. But where is she going? You’re not familiar with this part of town. She turns down an alleyway. You’re getting a really bad feeling at this point.

What do you do?

F) Go home (PAGE 11) G) Turn down the alleyway (PAGE 11)

N

You tell her the truth. You were watching the season finale of MasterChef Jr. To your surprise, she understands. She’s an avid MasterChef Jr. fan! You end up spending the rest of the date talking about your love for cooking shows that star children. You both leave the date feeling like it went very well. You see her again, and then again, and now you’ve been dating for a year and a half. Next week you are going to a live taping of the new season of MasterChef Jr. You plan to finally pop the question.

FIN

You tell him that you’re with him and he lowers the gun. A car pulls up and he motions for the both of you to get in. The car drives for what seems like hours. Eventually, it pulls up to a farm and parks in the barn. You jump in your seat as the ground starts to lower.

The barn is actually an elevator and the farm is a cover for the secret organization that houses its headquarters below ground. Your jaw drops, but the man tells you to get it together.

You soon learn that the world is populated by all manner of creatures you believed to be fiction.

The Organization (that’s what it’s called) deals with these creatures, relocating and taking them out when necessary. You become an agent of The Organization, eventually becoming one of its most respected and experienced members. Sadly, you finally meet your match when you’re stabbed to death by an army of garden gnomes given life through the magic of the holidays.

H

FIN

L FIN

Now you can finally see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch!

P You stay dead.

FIN

Start your adventure on PAGE 6!

M

Are you fucking kidding me?

Raisin Bran!? I’m messing with ya, it’s a pretty alright cereal. Helps ya poop.

FIN

17

the hegemonocle poetry corner

A Valentine’s Poem Roses are red, Violets are blue.

Your stuff’s on the curb And I shat in your shoes.

I should’ve known this Is a thing you would do.

Now our love is dead.

Daisies are white, And cacti are green.

I wish I could punch you And tear out your spleen.

You’ve a poor sense of fashion And no oral hygiene.

I’ll sleep alone tonight.

Sunflowers are gold, Carnations are pink.

I want you to know That your music taste stinks.

And I asked you to NOT Fucking pee in my sink.

Our love was getting old.

So many other Nice flowers as well.

Our romance was great, But it’s all gone to hell.

The future was bright And all seemed so swell-But then you fucked my mother.

18

horoscope

Horoscopes Aries

You’ll spot them at the optometrist's office! It’ll be love at first sight!

Cancer

Meet the one for you while crab fishing in the bayou.

(Straight out of a Nicholas Sparks novel!)

Libra

Find your life sentence of love in court! Who knew a wrongful death suit could be so life-changing?

Capricorn

You’ll meet your destiny at the petting zoo! Your love sure is wild!

Where will you meet your One True Love? s!

It’s written in the star

Taurus

Run into your soulmate at the running of the bulls in Spain — how exciting!

Leo

At an Oscar party, you’ll excitedly kiss that handsome co-worker of your sister to celebrate DiCaprio finally winning that award!

Scorpio

Catch your true love redhanded in your living room!

They came for your TV but left with your heart! And your TV!

Aquarius

Fate will bring you together via Craigslist! Your odds were… honestly not great.

Gemini

You’ll unknowingly fall in love with your long lost identical twin, who you’ll bump into at the liquor store. It’s like The Parent Trap, but sexier!

Virgo

At the grocery store, their hand will touch yours when you both reach for the same bottle of Sriracha! Hot!

Sagittarius

Spear the one you love at a Hunger Games cosplay party! Two Peetas are better than one!

Pisces

You’ll fall in love with a goldfish! Cute!

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