Volume 20, Issue 1 - The Tenth Anniversary Edition

n o o m c l e e g e t h u r e n s h t

n e t

Vol. 20

Founded in 2008-2009

issue 1

The Macalester

HEGEMONOCLE

Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine Volume 20, Issue 1 Spring 2019 The Tenth Anniversary Edition

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Edward Taketomo ’19 Sophie Hannauer ’19

EDITORIAL Managing Editor Maeghan Sullivan ’20 Head Writer Caleb Driker-Ohren ’19 Radio Editors *Zoe Berkovitz '20 Lidija Namike '21

DESIGN Head of Production Will Milch ’19 Neck of Production Lidija Namike ‘21

STAFF Coat Rack ’99 Justin Chen ‘19 Ian Gorrell-Brown ‘19 Erik Knisely ‘19 Roland Munsil ‘19 Isaac Ward ‘19

Ben Townsend ‘20 Autumn Campbell ‘21 Austin Jesko ‘21 Jordan Schwed ‘21 Ethan Shaw ‘21 Kate Sibila ‘21

Rennie DiCarlo ‘22 Baxter Gordon ‘22 Jared Jageler ‘22 Sophia Vischer ‘22 Niko Bjork ‘22

* On sabbatical

SHOUT OUTS Boots that look like they’re for snow but aren’t President Brian Rosenberg for his financial sacrifices Those weird cylinder brush snow shovelers Health & Wellness reducing waitlists from two months to just one Filthy, dirty slush water in the street Founders: Mikey Freedman ’11 & Dan Rocklin ’11 Contact us: hegemonocle@macalester.edu @hegemonocle facebook.com/hegemonocle

The Macalester Hegemonocle Macalester College 1600 Grand Avenue Saint Paul, MN 55105

Most characters appearing in this work are fictitious.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely satirical.

The Hegemonocle is published four-ish times per academic year.

All content, except what we’ve stolen from elsewhere, is © The Macalester Hegemonocle, 2019.

Happy Birthday to us!

That’s right Macalester, we’re celebrating 10 years of solid mediocrity. You thought our jokes were juvenile before -- well you’re in for a pre-pubescent treat.

An extra special, tenth anniversary, more outstanding content than ever, just for you issue of The Hegemonocle!

In honor of our 10th birthday, we’ve curated the best humor our staff could come up with, and put it all in this extra long issue. Gone are the 9-year old poop jokes of yore: soon, you will experience the early middle school angst of bad graphic tees from Hot Topic, selling gum in homeroom, and going to the mall just to walk around.

We have improved over the last ten years! Our very first issue contained, and we’re not kidding here, three different spellings of Hegemonocle. And we don’t actually know which one they meant to be the actual one, so we’ve been winging it ever since. If spelling your own name correctly isn’t a sign of maturity, we don’t know what is.

What will the next ten years of The Hegemonocle bring? Who knows. Maybe the whole magazine will be written by AI. Maybe we’ll have to shut down as print journalism becomes even less profitable. Maybe we’ll take over The Mac Weekly once and for all. Or maybe Jeff Bezos will buy us out. As a wise man once said, the only constant in life is change.

Yet this moment of celebration is also bittersweet. We regret to inform you that this will be our last issue as co-editors in chief before we turn over the magazine to fresh meat. This issue is our baby, our Y2K, our swan song, our farewell opus.

We know you’ll enjoy it. And we know whoever comes next will probably be at least mediocre. But they probably won’t create anything as good as this.

And with that, we’ll sign off. With double digits comes double the responsibility.

And we promise that we will only shirk that responsibility some of the time.

Cheers to The Hege!

Sophie Hannauer and Edward Taketomo Co-Editors in Chief

isidewith.com: Macalester Edition With the announcement that President Brian Rosenberg will not run for re-election as President of Macalester in 2020, a wide range of candidates have tossed their names in the ring for the presidency. The Hege is here to help you make sense of all the diverse candidates running:

• • • • •

Max the Cat Wants to increase the size of the library Former lobbyist for Big Pharma Has little to no respect for authority Lives in North Carolina Pisses wherever the fuck he wants That Cow That Got Stuck In the Library • Wants to implement Meatless Mondays at Cafe Mac • Police records indicate a history of arson while living in Chicago • Inability to go down stairs presents a unique logistical challenge • Four stomachs

Mac the Scot • Will protect and expand the rights of mascots at Macalester College • Has fascist tendencies • His ability to only make muffled noises makes his public speaking abilities questionable

Walter Mondale • Took a big fat L in the 1984 election • Macalester is in Minnesota, the only state Mondale won in 1984 • Did we mention that he lost the 1984 election to Ronald Reagan 13-525 electoral votes?

Dupre is Cancelled.

The Hegemonocle is proud to be the only news source reporting on Macalester’s new plan to renovate Dupre. For years, students have been pressuring Macalester to fix their crumbling dorms and be more sustainable, so the college decided to kill two birds with one very ugly building.

RHD Pat Herboub sat down with The Hegemonocle to discuss the new plans. “Right now, we’re planning on making every dorm room the size of a music locker so that we can fit all 1,000 of next year’s freshman class into one building.

This gives students ample room for a Twin XS bed, a bottle of the cheapest vodka you can buy, and a single pen. We’re still looking at options, but rest assured that singles will be no larger than 5 cubic feet, and doubles no larger than 5.2 cubic feet. Is this technically a violation of human rights? No comment.” Other “additions” to the new Dupre will include replacing all showers with a single bathtub, and the elimination of all laundry rooms. Students are suggested to either bring their laundry home, wash their clothes in the snow, or sneak into GDD like everyone else.

When The Hegemonocle ambushed him as he was taking out the trash, Brian Rosenberg stated the following. “Look, if we want to reach #zerowaste by 2020, and be #carbonneutral by 2025, we’re gonna have to make some sacrifices. Since you guys can’t separate your fucking compost from your trash, we have to consider other options. By turning Dupre into even more of a living hell, Macalester will cut 100 tons of carbon emissions, and save around $900 per year. Thanks to these savings, we’re proud to announce that every Turck dorm room will receive a second sink.”

Macalester currently has no plans for Freshman housing while Dupre is being demolished from January 24th through May 16th. FEMA has been alerted to the situation, and is planning on arriving in late April.

NEWS AROUND CAMPUS

This past week Macalester students were able to see their first bigots out in the wild. Rumor has it that the protesters weren’t from anywhere fancy like Westboro Baptist Church, but instead were some small-potatoes bigots who wanted to do something on their day off. And, in a classic President’s Day tradition, they decided to dust off their homophobic signs and grace our campus with their presence. “Like, I obviously hated what they did, but, like, I am not that productive on my days off...I’m a little jealous,” said a Macalester junior who obviously wanted to stay anonymous for this interview. “Of course, I’m disgusted with their anti-LGBT behavior, but, like, I kind of respect their gumption.” They also wanted us to tell you that they are very gay and have gay friends, so please don’t go after them.

“Of course, while we were all disgusted with their behavior and beliefs, it was kind of nice to not have to go too far to protest hate. I got to do some chants on my way to lunch, it was really convenient,” says another anonymous sophomore. “Like, I never have time to go to any rallies or protest most of the year, but today I really feel like I made a difference, you know… Who knew protesting could be so fun!” In response to the positive reaction from students, admissions is considering inviting some alt-right white supremacists to campus during orientation, so first-years can get some social justice and self-importance training without having to leave the Mac Bubble.

Alumni suggests reverting back to

Old Times

Alfred Craig ‘69 has a list of demands for the college after recent rebranding: - Eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner exclusively in the Alexander G. Hill ballroom* - Bring back the Macalester orange - More cows - Fewer flags - The war, the perilous war - More rotary phones so he can call home - Ambrosia salad - More bomb shelters - More keys - Bring back “abstinence” - Sexy bag filled with bibles - Butter Churning required class - Undo Dupre renovations from 1990s - Make Dupre the only dorm on campus - Bring J. Huntley Dupre back to life - Marry J. Huntley Dupre - Live in Dupre Hall with J. Huntley Dupre in Hall Office - Worse weed *This statement was retracted after exposure to “Harry Potter Beyonce Kagin”

THE INCOMING CLASS OF 2023 The incoming class of 2023 is predicted to be one big sports team. As per the request of high ranking administrators, the Macalester admissions office has been working to reject or kindly defer anyone who isn’t currently playing a high school sport and willing to play that sport for Macalester.

“I just think it’s great that we’re going to have a whole class where no one is a weakling–strong semi-tall people. I can see it now. Just imagine–blue backpacks everywhere, each one with the name of a sport sewn onto the backside. Just close your eyes and imagine the non-stop wet puff sound that you hear when someone squeezes one of those reusable gatorade bottles, it’s just so great.” President Brian Rosenberg informed reporters with a big toothy smile. “We don’t need any more weak people than we already have,” President Rosenberg said with a sharp frown. “Frail and meek, unwilling to buy my Macalester apparel and wear it every day of their lives,” President Rosenberg said, grinding his teeth in an almost involuntary fashion, with glaring hot, stern eyes that looked straight through the interviewer. “If I see one more nose piercing, or a damned “Fjall Crow”–”Bird”–whatever those goddamned Danish backpacks are called, I’m going to– I’m going to–!” “–Mr. Rosenberg! Your nose! It’s bleeding!” Our interviewer was forced to interrupt. President Rosenberg dabbed his fingers at his nostrils, looked at the apparent blood and then at the interviewer.

“Not that it’s bad to be like, you know, physically weak or like, even a “nerd” or anything, it’s just kind of like, I don’t know–it’s hard for me to take someone seriously if they’re not playing a sport.” Rosenberg chuckled, wiping his nose with a handkerchief.

Upon talking more about the incoming class, we noticed President Rosenberg was shuffling and fidgeting in his chair. Upon inquiry, he had this to say: “I can’t hold it back any longer, there are huge announcements to be made, huge. I don’t know if this is the right place to do this, but I’ll be the uncle of the murderer from Poe’s “The Tell-Tale-Heart” before I keep silent at this point.” He said giggling. “I am proud to announce that we will be bulldozing Old Main to make way for the newest Econ building. That’s not all, we will be constructing a brand new winterized skyway that leads directly to the Leonard Center from each facility–I’m not finished, from now on, us jocks will eat first at Cafe Mac. There will be one enormous round table that will take up all of Cafe Mac East for us jocks to eat at, everyone else must eat at puny, little square tables.” President Rosenberg smiled. “Many, many more updates are to come,” he assured reporters.

President Trump Reaches 100 days Frolfing Since Taking Office When President Trump returns to the White House on Monday from a weekend at his Mara-Lago Resort in Palm Beach, Florida, he will have spent a total of 100 days frolfing since taking office. To put that in perspective, it took Barack Obama until his seventh year as president to spend just 50 days away from the White House participating in disc-based competitions. George W. Bush spent his whole first term learning how to throw a backhand and Ronald Reagan spent only 12 days frolfing while in office, and only 40 total on vacation. The estimated expenditure of taxpayer money on President Trump’s outings include over $300,000 in transportation costs, $75,000 on MAGA discs, $10,000 on disc wax, $6,000 Tubby Chris has the WORST scoober--Terrible that he on rolling papers, represented the great people of New Jersey. He even and $5,200 on makes Poopy Newt Gingrich look like a decent frolftiny eraserless er. Would put a wall around the two of them if we had enough material to stretch that far! scorekeeping pencils. Ex-Governor Chris Christie (R-New Jersey) called Trump a “hard working man who happens to enjoy America’s favorite pastime” after a recent day the two of them spent frolfing and I have a very big disc.Probably bigger than even Shaq slacklining along the The president on hole 7 of his favorite Frolf O’neil’s if I am being honest. I like to wax it sometimes course Jersey Shore. and dress it up as a little Russian schoolboy. His name is All of this comes Pavel and he loves Rocky Road Ice Cream! on the heels of a frolf-ladened visit by the Saudi Crown Prince to Washington. In fact, the number of days Trump will have spent on vacation frolfing only account for a percentage of the total days he has frolfed while in office. He has spent at least a few dozen days with other world and domestic leaders “getting work done on the course.” Shinzo Abe, through a translator, called Trump’s forehand “an absolute bitch to deal with. The man can fling ‘em like he’s a virile buck.”

Enough with vicious Dem-attacks labeling Trump has been reluctant to discuss his time hardoworking STEM professionals as Christian out of office but did at one point hint at bringing Scientists! You wouldn’t call someone a Jewish disc golf to Yemen and other “yucky places” as Doctor or a Mormon Pedophile. LOL Tubby Chris a way to “heal the obesity crisis, or whatever it is just broke the hammock he was sitting in! they’re dealing with over there.” A small group of well-wishers are expected to welcome the president back on Monday.

MIL

K

2019

Price of a gallon of milk: $3.05

Price of a gallon of milk: $3.40

Price of a gallon of gas: $2.56

Price of a gallon of gas: $2.31

Top Song: Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eyed Peas

Top Song: God’s Plan by Drake

Price of a pack of cigarettes: $5.32

Price of a pack of cigarettes: $8.10

Twin Cities Population: 3.3 Million

Twin Cities Population: 3.6 million

Richest person in the world (Monetary): Bill Gates

Richest person in the world (Monetary): Jeff Bezos (pre-divorce)

President of the United States: Barack Obama

President of the United States: Donald J. Trump

President of Macalester College: Brian Rosenberg

President of Macalester College: Brian Rosenberg

Most disappointing Mac Alumni: Walter Mondale

Most disappointing Mac Alumni: Walter Mondale (still)

The general public’s consensus opinion on Kanye West: He’s a good rapper, but wow he really screwed up the Taylor Swift VMAs thing, this is the low point of his career

The general public’s consensus opinion on Kanye West: oh no OH NO

Taylor Swift’s Boyfriend, 2009: Taylor Lautner

Taylor Swift’s Boyfriend, 2019: “I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now” “Why?” “Oh, ‘cause she’s dead!”

Economic crisis: yes

Economic crisis: probably

Number of forks available at Cafe Mac during dinner: Zero

Number of forks available at Cafe Mac during dinner: Zero

Amount of Hegemonocles: 1

Amount of Hegemonocles: still 1

Which ‘Lil Pump’ Lyric Best Describes Your Personality?

Aries: Gucci gang Taurus: Gucci gang Gemini: Gucci gang Cancer: (yuh) Leo: Gucci gang Virgo: Gucci gang Libra: Gucci gang Scorpio: Gucci gang Sagittarius: Gucci gang Capricorn: Gucci gang

Aquarius: Yeah, yeah, ooh, brr, yeah, ooh, wow, yeah, yeah, ooh, ooh Pisces: Gucci gang

Bezos’ Reach Settlement in Divorce Proceedings Following last month’s announcement that Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos (nee Tuttle) would be divorcing after 25

years of marriage, much speculation circled around a supposed prenuptial contract with upwards of 130 billion dollars at stake. Would MacKenzie suddenly become the world’s wealthiest woman? Would Jeff lose his title as world’s wealthiest man? Well, on Saturday we found out through a spokesperson that the couple had agreed on a settlement. Each parent will retain joint custody of their four children and MacKenzie will be awarded a free Amazon Prime Membership as well as an extended free trial of Amazon TV. “I couldn’t be happier,” said Tuttle. “Actually, catch me in 48 hours or less when my vibrator arrives.”

WHAT IS THIS, YOU ASK?

Introducing the Haryarmulke™, by Haryarmulke LTD On the first day, God created the Earth. In 1821, Christian Friedrich Ludwig Buschmann created the harmonica. However it took until the year of our lord 2019 to realize the untapped market of the Haryarmulke™. What is the Haryarmulke™, you ask? Do you know what a harmonica is? Do you know what a yarmulke is? Well, we taped them together. Now you can… play harmonica on a yarmulke. Think of all the… time you will save? Things you can do? I haven’t really thought out the full use-cases for the Haryarmulke™ but we expect the Haryarmulke™ to make up 70% of the yarmulke market by 2025. We have already partnered with 100 instagram influencers and we have reached hundreds of potential customers. Billy Joel, famous for that song with the piano and harmonica, has decided to be our celebrity brand ambassador on a 3 year contract of $10 million. Order your Haryarmulke™ today at hegemonocle@macalester.edu.

Facilities Work orders put on my Dupre Triple Your room/office was recently entered by a facilities services employee or public safety officer for the following reason: Status: Other Notes: I entered the room to find you in the midst of a furious masturbation session. I tried to come back 4 times but every time I entered there you were, jackin’ it.

Signed:

Richard

Date: If all you’re ever doing is whacking it does it really matter what the date was?

Your room/office was recently entered by a facilities services employee or public safety officer for the following reason: Status: Work

order was completed

Notes: Oh you dirty, dirty boy. Did you really think I wouldn’t find those magazines of yours while I was fixing your curtains? Maybe you wanted to be found out, maybe it turns you on to know that I know your secret. Is that how you get off you naughty boy?

Signed: ;) Date: 69/69/69 Your room/office was recently entered by a facilities services employee or public safety officer for the following reason: Status: Work

order incomplete; will return

Notes: Upon entering the room the Public Safety Officer determined she was not properly equipped to slay the fell beast lurking under the bed, its dread talons too long and sharp, its horrible spittle far too venomous for mere human flesh to withstand. Will return with appropriate weapons.

Signed: Amelia Date: 02/08/1011

Your room/office was recently entered by a facilities services employee or public safety officer for the following reason: Status: Other Notes: The smell, oh god the smell. It hit me like a tsunami

when I came in. It was like a cross bet ween a fine French goat cheese and the smell of someone dying. As I stepped inside your door I accidentally tripped over a bottle of what I assume was formaldehyde. Now everything I own smells like formaldehyde. I don’t know what kind of depraved shit you’re doing in there but I’m not cleaning it up.

Signed: *vomiting noises* Date: Some time before the haunting smell of your room left me incapable of feeling happiness.

Your room/office was recently entered by a facilities services employee or public safety officer for the following reason: Status: Work Order Completed Notes: While fixing your heating I took the liberty of also fixing your wall by taking down that shit you probably think of as art.

I mean, les demoiselles d’avignon? Really? If you’re going to go for a cubist aesthetic you could at least hang some Ferdinand Léger or Juan Gris, show people you actually fucking know something about art instead of being a faux sophisticated jackass. Grow up.

rou du cul prétentieux

Your room/office was recently entered by a facilities services employee or public safety officer for the following reason: Status: Other

Notes: We can’t fix the soda fountain that you CLEARLY stole from Cafe Mac, shame on you.

Sean

Signed: Date: 10/11/18

Signed: t

Date: Oh, I bet you think time is real too.

Your room/office was recently entered by a facilities services employee or public safety officer for the following reason: Status: other Notes: “room swarming with crabs” determined not to be a euphemism, matter deferred to animal control.

Gerald

Signed: Date: 09/9/18

Your room/office was recently entered by a facilities services employee or public safety officer for the following reason: Status: Work

Order Completed

Notes: When I entered the lounge I saw before me a scene of merriment.

Children of all shapes and sizes frolicked joyfully under the gaze of LED lights and non religious festive decorations that adorned the room. I chuckled as I wrenched open the door, savoring the work ahead of me.

“Your festivities offends my master, the mighty and powerful hall manager” I boomed as I began to tear all symbols of happiness from the public space. The children wept, begging me not to proceed, but their pleas fell upon deaf ears. One even tried to fight me, but was easily destroyed.

Kyle the decimator

Signed: Date: The coldest, darkest night of winter.

Your room/office was recently entered by a facilities services employee or public safety officer for the following reason: Status: Just

getting Started

Notes: Sorry a pipe burst and you and your belongings were sprayed with gallons of scalding water. It’s your fault for decidingto live in Dupre anyway, what did you think was going to happen? This place is a certifiable shit-hole.

Bill

Signed: Date: 3/1/19

First Year Writes a Poem Late last night by the dying light of Dupre 573’s desk lamp, under the tendrils of his wilting bamboo, Damon Hurst ‘22 sat. He looked longingly out at the median, at the cosmopolitan first years with their marijuana cigars and watered down vodka, and then back at his bed above him, his desk in front of him, his Dark Side of the Moon tapestry wilting on the wall like the plant he had tried so hard to nurse back to health. He exhaled, overwhelmed with his own depth. Tired of the loneliness.

Tired of the yearning. He scrolled through the Mac Daily, past the smiling soulless econ majors visiting the Federal Reserve and the Wilderness First Aid workshop only charlatans would attend.

Damon felt that familiar rumbling in his loins and checked to see whether his roommates were asleep. They were not. Damon masturbated anyway, to a picture of himself from the eighth grade, but found no relief. And so, by the dying light in his prison of a room, in his prison of a life, with the soulful angsty teen rage hormonal new age creative pain and isolated social gain game to motivate him, Damon channeled his rage into creative passion. In a dizzying fit he pulled out his moleskine journal and wrote a poem. With words like meander, pensive, homunculus, gelid, verdant, capricious, weep, mongoose, bower, and limpid, Damon crafted his scene. He cried a single tear. Damon wrote a poem and cried a single tear. And then, Damon masturbated atop the printed page and submitted it to Chanter.

Chanter Responds Dear Damon, Thank you for your sticky submission to Macalester’s longest running student-run literary magazine.

We are Macalester’s longest running student-run magazine. This is Chanter. We are Chanter.

As each year passes and the blossoms turn to dust and sow themselves again, our popularity swells like the banks of a fertile river. Our power on this campus rivals the Babylonian Kings. Our presence seeps deep into the Weyerhauser Catacombs and manifests in our puppet ruler ‘President’ Brian Rosenberg. We rule with swift justice, not compassion, nor tolerance for STEM majors. And as we are the keepers of this realm, it is our duty to refine and present the greatest artistic creations this campus has to offer. This year we shattered our previous record for number of submissions. We received almost eight whole submissions. So you will understand when we inform you that the masturbatory drivel you call poetry did not make the cut. Best of luck in all that you do. We will be watching.

- Chanter Staff

a poem.

My capricious thoughts meander like—a gelid river, turgid with tasks and poems to write. And the verdant forest of my heart weeps for the lovers I have lost and the friends whom I alienated with my great intelligence.

Jesus knows no pain like I know.

I am the mongoose. But the mongoose dies in winter, Dies in winter at the banks of the river, dipping its paws to collect all of the humdrum conundrums stuck in its head. In a reverie I return to my glory and comfort under the bower of thorns and pines. People will love me, one day—I know it. And then, you will See. how great I am.

There came once a homunculus, in a feverdream. He told me You are the prophet. Do not bend your knee to the brainwashed masses.

You are the prophet, he said. And it has been cold and pensive In my heart ever since.

YE OLDE CHUCKLEBUCKET

(from the archives) Hot HotTrends Trendson onCampus Campus This ThisMonth Month Eating dinner between hours of 5 pm and 7:30 pm

In a recent campus wide survey, a surprising 98 percent of students interviewed said that, on days that they eat dinner, they tend to consume their evening meal between the hours of 5 pm and 7:30 pm. The psychology department is conducting a study to determine what particular traits are shared in common between college students that could be causing this behavioral trend – early results are attributing the trend to prolonged exposure to cell phone radiation.

Wearing shoes to class

If you look around in any of your classes, you’ll notice that most of your classmates will be wearing shoes.

It is unclear why so many people have been wearing shoes when the college doesn’t have a mandatory policy to wear shoes to class, but there seems to be a correlation between wearing shoes and a desire to have warm feet. Last Thursday Kyle Stapleton forgot to put on shoes as he left his dorm room to go to class and noticed that the walk from Dupre to Olin Rice was a particularly painful experience. During class he was seen massaging his feet on his desk, prompting stares from his classmates. All of his classmates were wearing shoes.

Saying “I found it interesting” in casual conversations

After hearing the phrase ceaselessly in the classroom, students taking mainly discussion based classes have been heard using the phrase all around campus. Last week Matt Johnson, an anthropology major, was heard saying to Lauren Kim, “I found it interesting to see you in Café Mac yesterday, I haven’t seen you in ages!

I’d find it interesting to see you at the soccer game tonight.” Kim, a history major, replied that it would indeed be interesting to go to the game later, and that she found it interesting to see that Johnson’s fly was undone.

Drinking non-alcoholic beer at parties

It turns out that the majority of students on campus go to parties because they really enjoy the taste of beer, not because they have any desire to get drunk. Recent partygoers have confessed that all they really want at parties are in depth conversations, with a mild level of grooving to softly played music on the side, with a smooth non-alcoholic brew nestled in their hand. Partygoers preferring mixed drinks over beer have noticed that they get pretty much the same taste by forgoing the vodka from their mixed drinks. “No, you’ve got it all wrong, nobody likes those non-alcoholic things, they only ever want the hard stuff,” frequent partygoer Jade Fuller said sarcastically. “No, I’m not being sarcastic, people come to parties just to get wasted out of their minds,” she added, also sarcastically.

Doing homework on Saturdays

Students have realized that trying to cram all their work in on Sundays has become far too stressful, prompting some students to start thinking outside the box and commence their work a “ridiculous” two full days before their next classes. The idea has been described both as “ludicrous” and “crazy,” but since students who have been trying it are seeing their amount of work completed on weekends almost double, the trend is slowly catching on. This has also led the way for another new trend: students who would have normally spent all day Saturday unconscious are choosing to spend some of the day awake.

PUBLISHED FALL 2009 Bunnies

Despite freezing temperatures and in utter disregard to any common sense they may have, if indeed any, bunnies have still been seen scampering around campus. It appears that year after year the campus bunnies are making riskier and riskier winter time decisions, such as staying out in the cold too long, jumping into traffc on roads at nighttime, excessive cases of the munchies and breaking into dorm rooms and stealing stashes of weed. The latter has been given as a possible reason for the other strange behavioral habits. Students have been wondering why the bunnies are behaving like this rather than just doing “whatever the hell bunnies usually do during the winter.”

Winter clothing

Thick coats and warm gloves have suddenly become the hottest fashion items on campus, a trend that has been attributed by some to the gradual decline in temperatures and general “wintry” weather we have been having lately. There has been particularly intense competition over scarves, some students returning to their rooms periodically throughout the day just to change their scarf to stay on top of the latest fashion trends. Students who have not chosen to follow the winter clothing trend have noted side effects such as shivers, runny noses, frostbite and general overall discomfort.

Celibacy

The act of not having sex has continued to be a strong trend on campus, gaining an all-time record number of followers. The trends of talking about sex and lying about having sex have risen, but the actual act of having sex has been an almost absent from dorm life. The trend has caused relief to roommates who would otherwise spend most weekends perpetually sexiled, and has led followers to get a lot more of their work done, often on Saturdays.

Ignoring people on campus

Rather than giving their usual awkward “hey” or wave of the hand when walking past friends and acquaintances, most Macalester students are either turning their head the other way or flat out ignoring everyone they walk past. At first, it was commonly ex-classmates, Café Mac student workers and orientation group members being ignored, but the trend has spread to current classmates, neighbors and even best friends. At least that what I’ve been noticing lately; maybe it’s just me, it could be because I’ve been following the next trend pretty heavily…

Showering maybe once a week

As the weather’s gotten colder, people are becoming less willing to expose all of their skin at one time, often refraining from doing so for days on end. Those same people shudder when imagining standing on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor as they wait for the water coming from the shower head to get warm, and dread the feeling of having to turn off the water and have cold winter drafts permeate their dripping wet, naked bodies.

There is also a trend among these people to skip morning classes because of the necessity to leave the comfort of their warm, snuggly blankets to do so.

Reading the Hegemonocle

This is Macalester’s latest and by far its hottest trend. A number of students have been seen with copies of the Hegemonocle, including you. If you look around you will see a combination of people rolling out of their seats with laughter, mild chuckling, subtle grinning and people saying “I really just don’t get it!”

...HOW TIMES CHANGE

Taggable Memes for Medievalist Teens Which of the four humors are you?

B lood Characteristics: courageous, hopeful, playful, carefree

- Somehow plays a varsity sport, has an off-campus internship, and writes honors thesis all at the same time - Does homework at the Tap - Buys alcohol for first years - Eats Scotty’s twice a day

Y ellow bile Characteristics: ambitious, leader-like, restless, easily angered

- Keeps a sleeping bag in the Econometrics lab - Takes up an entire group study room to themselves - Reads the Mac Daily to find mentions of themself - Actually puts effort into their Handshake profile - Wishes there was a faster way to print things than Library Quick Print

B lack bile Characteristics: despondent, quiet, analytical, serious

- Always submits to Chanter anonymously - Favorite floor of the library is the basement - Knocks on your door at 10:01 to remind you that quiet hours have started - Believes the Idea Lab is a monument to capitalism and the false idol of entrepreneurship - Why did they throw away so many books to make room for the Idea Lab? - Arts and crafts are only a feeble attempt to find meaning in a meaningless existence

P hlegm Characteristics: calm, thoughtful, patient, peaceful

- Regular patron of the coffee cart in J-Wall - Works out in the LC at 8 am - Always tells people they should study on the 4th floor of Old Main - Knows the fastest place to print on campus is the DRC

THE HEGE-IES

Now that The Hegemonocle is entering the twilight of it’s golden years, its time to look back and admire the work that made The Hegemonocle the best publication Macalester has ever seen.

Best Joke Topics: • Kofi Annan (no, it’s not too

soon anymore) • Brian Rosenberg being rich • Rip 10k (only seniors will

get this) • The Bell • David Sisk (don’t give him

your password) • Jim Hoppe (only seniors

will get this also) • Cafe Mac (food, decor,

silverware, everything) • The famous alums(?) who

never stay • Mac Weekly • Marlon James • Old men outside Dunn Bros • Cheryl Doucette • Du- (prison, paradise, etc.)

• Kagins • Horoscopes. Always horoscopes

To the person I hate for no reason, You and I seldom interact. Maybe we’ve said a few words in the presence of a mutual friend. You have given me no reason to complain about your character. Yet, I absolutely cannot stand you.

First, your face is just so dumb. It’s not overly good-looking or particularly unattractive, but it is just so punchable, just asking to be socked right in the nose. I, and by the transitive property, everybody around you, know that you’re a fake bitch. You are super friendly to people but it’s a commonly recognized truth that there’s an arrogant prick lying just beneath the surface.

I hope you keep your pants on during office hours. The professor’s joke was not nearly that funny. Everyone hates it when you “ask a question” by just saying you already know the goddamn answer.

You’re like a bad parody of every person on this campus: You’re going to start volunteering next semester. You’ve recently gotten into listening to Brockhampton. You are from California but love to travel. You enjoy your “secret study spot” on the fourth floor of Old Main. You think it’s worth it to wait in line for half an hour for a sandwich at the Atrium. Welcome to the fucking club pal.

You see this dirty look I’m throwing your way? You know what the fuck you di- No! Don’t smile at me! God damn it, what a fucking douchebag. Grinning like we are old chums who served three tours in ‘Nam together. You know jack shit about me. This is just like the time I was wallowing in self-pity alone at Cafe Mac and you were with your friends and all I did while eating was watch your table and listen to your dumb jokes. Oh wow, you’ve always just wanted to help people? A neuroscience major, so heroic! We’ve all taken Bio 101 as well, Ben Carson.

No, you can piss off, stop asking me if this is about my deep-seated insecurities.

Hege Profiles: Adults Eating in Cafe Mac Buried beneath the bustle of confused first years and mug-smugglers, something strange is happening in Cafe Mac. A white-haired couple appearing to be in their early seventies sit at a table, a bowl of soupy white ice cream between them. The woman pokes at the ice cream with a chopstick while the man curls up in a ball and whispers to her “I’m a hard-boiled egg. The little goblin told me.” I watch as the woman looks around and reaches into a purple purse. She pulls out a little baggy of stems and spores. “Take some more of the mushrooms honey,” she tells her husband. “I only speak egg” he says.

On the North side I worry that some psilocybin may have gotten into my system. I’m seeing double! Jabari brings out extra cups to place next to the soda fountain while another Jabari stocks radishes at the salad bar. Could it be? The salad-bar Jabari wears a black chef’s hat and has only one eyebrow. I move in closer to get a look at the name tag which reads: JABORIG. So the rumors are true, Jabari does have an evil twin brother who also works at Cafe Mac. When I go to confront the real Jabari about his hat-wearing brother, he tells me that I must be crazy, and when I turn around, Jaborig is gone.

In front of where Jaborig was just stocking vegetables are a couple of hearty-looking and stout middle-aged blonde parents. The man’s shirt reads GO BADGERS! while the woman’s has DRINK WISCONSINIBLY printed over an outline of the Cheese State. A timid teenager stands next to them with a Macalester PF folder tucked under her arm. The three of them each hold a glass of chocolate milk. “Would you look at all of those flags, honey” the man says looking up, “there must be millions of them.”

I turn towards the Grill line where a portly bearded man asks for curly fries underneath a fedora and sunglasses. I’ve seen him somewhere before but I can’t quite place my finger on the place. He looks around nervously before walking towards the stage. I follow behind from a distance. Once on the stage the man sits down at a table with a large woman wearing a trench coat. The woman sorts through printed submissions to the Mac Daily. But something isn’t right about her. Her hands look more like...golden retriever paws. The man then pulls out a newspaper and only the top of his head sticks up from behind it. Just below the brim of the fedora I notice tin foil poking out. Aha! Sisk Incognito, that sly bastard.

It’s 2029...

This is your future existential horror based on astrology sign

Aquarius: You receive word that

an old friend of yours, who you believed to have died 10 years ago, is still alive and hiding in the central plains of Mongolia. You immediately buy a plane ticket to Mongolia. On the flight, you ponder. “Why didn’t he tell me? What is he hiding from?”

After ten arduous days on horseback, you come to a lone yurt. You walk inside. It’s him. You can’t believe it. It’s Kofi. He looks at you, and turns away.

He mutters,“ No, I do not want to donate $5 to Macalester’s annual fund”.

Taurus:

Pisces: Polar

Vortexes are now a bi-weekly occurrence. Macalester no longer cancels classes for polar vortexes.

Aries: You are heading

to work. You stop and grab a coffee. You arrive at work and get settled in. The siren goes off. It’s that time again.

You head to the conference room. You bow down to the TV as president Air Bud speaks.

The world is in a geopolitical conflict over water Gemini: You are still a student scarcity. You live in Los Angeles. You’re fucked. Oh yeah, at Macalester. You have not been your house is on fire. (It’s been on fire for the last 7 years so able to register for Nietzsche and you’re pretty used it by now).

Corkscrew: Roller Coasters and the Philosopher’s Dilemma, the one class you need to graduate for your Philosophy and Physics double major.

Cancer: Carleton College has

been decimated by the great MaltO-Meal fire of 2025. However, U.S. News and Report still ranks Carleton higher than Macalester.

Leo: Jeff Bezos owns everything. He owns Virgo: Again, the world is in a geopolitical Starbucks. He owns the city of Washington D.C. He owns your house. He even owns your cat. Your fucking cat. Well, at least he can’t buy your soul from you, right? Right?

Libra: You exit your newly built house and walk into your two car garage. You put the keys into your Nissan Altima. You just got off the phone with your sorority sister. You are planning the reunion. You back out of your garage and head down the cul de sac and on to the main road. You turn on the radio. Your favorite country song is on. You pick up your four boys, Kaeden, Jaeden, Braeden and Hunter from lacrosse practice.

They ask if you could stop at Chick-fil-A for dinner. Your name is Brittany, you live the exurbs of Atlanta and your husband is cheating on you with Stuart Little.

Scorpio: The United States has prospered

in the last eight years under President Kamala Harris. Gerrymandering is illegal, there is single-payer healthcare and the economy is prosperous. The future looks bright for progressive politics in the United States, with the Democratic nominee for president beating the Republican nominee 438-100 (haha you fucking wish).

conflict over water scarcity. You live in Duluth and Lake Superior is one the last sources of freshwater in the world. You’re also fucked.

Sagittarius: You are a famous mov-

ie star. You are cast in the role of Brian Rosenberg in Macalester: The Movie. To get into character, you read Hard Times. You narrowly lose best picture to Shrek 9, written and directed by Danai Gurira.

Capricorn: After graduation, you

disappear into thin air: you now live in an igloo in Nunavut. You haven’t seen another human in 10 years.

The only entertainment you have is a poem from the Fall 2016 Chanter.

Yet, you hear voices in the wind.

They whisper “ This is your last chance to give back to Macalester!”

Love Letter to my special someone at Cafe Mac He had me from the moment he reminded me to “say please” while ladling curry at South. Never in my life had I felt such a powerful attraction to someone; he had everything I could have wanted: immediate charm, wit, and charisma, graciousness, and, of course, animal magnetism.

Ever since then I have sought out his presence. I was worried I would never get to be near him again. I worried that I wasn’t good enough, that of course he had enough suitors, why would I catch his eye? I had almost lost hope, but then, at last, I found him.

The line wove around Cafe Mac almost as long as his line of prospective paramours. I quickly jumped in, nervously wringing my hands - would he remember me, did he remember our connection? Once we made eye contact, I knew that he had remembered me. I asked for a hotdog with a bun, and he smirked at me, mischeviously. He put the hotdog on top of the bun, but, of course, I had wanted it inside the bun. I was at a loss for words. When he asked what else I would like, it took all of my effort to point to the broccoli. All-knowingly, he must of sensed my indecision, and stated, “You don’t want that.” But, valuing my free will, he still placed the plate onto my quaking, sweaty palms. What humor! What wisdom! How could I ever think that I deserved to even be near a man such as him? At the grill, I watched in rapturous awe as he refused to let me buy my friend onion rings. He asked me what I had to say for myself, but once again, I was at a loss for words; I had let him down. In my despair, I became entranced with the gold chain glistening ever so slightly under the lights of Cafe Mac. My, how it sparkled, nestled lovingly in his wiry, heaving chest hair, signalling to me not only was he a man of passion and impeccable taste, but of steadfast moral integrity. Never had I been so taken with a person, never had I been so starstruck by the raw power and emotion that he emitted with each utterance. His power over me was stronger than ever before, and I was glad. I may have lost the war of the onion rings, but I had gained the love of my life.

Oh, my unrequited love, my soulmate, my passionate little honey badger...if you’re reading this, you scolded me once for not using the tongs in the dessert display, but little did you know you were the dessert I’d been craving all along.

Let’s Get Our Fuck On

rns within ide but a fire still bu ts ou ld co s it’ , by Ba u live in forbidden love, yo my loins. Ours is a ithin t desire still rages w ye re up D in I d an Kirk be done ail tells me it can’t me. Karine Moe’s em up?” I could take on “u e m xt te u yo n but whe occur in ey say frostbite can Th . ld or w le ho w e ed th th know I don’t ne bo e w t bu es ut in under 5 m get I need to go. “Let’s re he w t ge to ng lo that prepare ke a shot of Jack to jacked” I say as I ta ’t be the only thing on w k al w de si e th myself, dressed in As I cross campus t. gh ni to k ic sl ’s ing at th boots and the G-str ow sn of ir pa a t bu nothing y skin trips to the gym, m ly th on m y m on r I wea remains t my thirst for you ur becomes numb bu open the door to yo rl hu I s A d. he is in undim mate stial roar, your room be a t ou t le I om ged ro lid, waxy, frost rava pa y m at or rr ho stares in ite e door to your en su th in ar pe ap u Yo . s body p you into my arm oo sc I u, yo to e m single, I co and I say: s to e weather condition em tr ex y an e av br “I would fuck you”

Take a ride on the Magic School Bus...

All of these things have actually happened on the Magic School Bus CAPRICORN - Get jizzed on by a salmon GEMINI - Indirect tongue kiss from a bee LEO - Get shoved off a rock by an owl limpet ARIES - Turn orange before accepting an award, then accidentally eat your whole class TAURUS - Race a man named Mr. Sinew whose shirt rips every time he moves PISCES - Get laid in an egg while dressed as a chicken SAGITTARIUS - Turn into a beanstalk so your class can climb you CANCER - Turn giant and bare-knuckle-box a T Rex VIRGO - Willingly freeze your whole-ass head in space to prove a point SCORPIO - Turn into a butterfly to scare your bitch cousin AQUARIUS - Get stuck in said cousin’s nose and clean snot off a bus LIBRA - Put mint, cinnamon, and banana, and an old sock in a hamster tube

Something’s in the

water...

It scuttles against Mississippi’s current, scouring the river for stones. The authorities arrived last week and a tent city of onlookers followed. You can see its slippery back like a white cetacean hump in the water, scraping the river in search of its family. It sighs when it finds their three tan bodies burrowed into the silt and sand. Three bodies with eight legs each, beady eyes, and pincers clamped tight onto the word of the Diviner, L. Ron Hubbard. Each crayfish has a copy of the book and it has one in its hands as well. Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health.

It is the talk of town, this strange child found in the river, muttering the word of God and Tom Cruise, and preying on bugs and minnows at night. The authorities are at a loss and the Church denies any responsibility. A rogue clergyman waded neck-high into the water last night, wanting to near himself to the messiah, drowning himself in God’s sight until a rescue-team tugged him from the muck. The other heretics sing hymns on the shore. It stays in the water with its family, reading and auditing, praying and dwelling. At night the feral child hunts and drifts with his family from boulder to boulder. They meet with their congregation of crustaceans and do the seadance of the Church. They are humble, this minion of Scientologist crayfish. They are god-fearing crustaceans. And so a week goes by and so go the onlookers and the news helicopters. And the end of the month sees the authorities pack up their investigation. Even the zealots returned home to their jobs, their spouses, their revelations. The children still come, in the dead of the night on a dare from their friends. They come to see it sliding through the water, its glossy black hair pinned against the small of its back. What traumas has it confessed to, resolved, and bequeathed to the Church, and what choice did it have to live this life? They watch it slither away through the green ropes of seaweed, its hand bent in a permanent claw, seizing the book. Always seizing the book.

A Field Study of the Weedian: September 9th: Hesitantly and as clumsily as newborn calves, I observe a few first years meandering around the weedian, curious of its mystery and purpose. They catch a whiff of a skunk-like aroma, and depart. I wonder what will the introduction of these strange creatures entail.

September 16th: Like intrepid explorers, they return, eager to flex their new-found knowledge.A member triumphantly reveals a blunt, undoubtedly of sub-par cannabis. Mayhaps the group has an Alpha. I watch carefully as puffs of smoke emerge from behind the trees.

September 30th: Our persistent trail-blazers carefully plan their return. Alas!!! Upon the sloped mud and grass, sophomores dole out dubious looks. Their feet defensively scrape the ground, their hot breath radiates in the cold fall air as they snarl at the unfamiliar.

October 11th: The two groups, although wary of one another, are joined by a common paranoia caused by the occasional jogger or pedestrian catching a whiff of, their activities. The tension between them has subsided, and they seem to tolerate and accept each other s presence.

October 18th: As time passes, the groups slowly overlap and form a symbiotic dependency, as observed through the sharing of lighters and other paraphernalia. Today, a chair has appeared upon the weedian. I feel it is mark of permanence and the establishment of a den.

October 23rd: The collective grows bolder, they no longer fear the light of morning or the eyes of other organisms. As the air grows cold, I suspect they revel in this warmth and camaraderie. A question remains - will they succumb to the biting cold and hibernate. The subjects are unable to discern the voluminous puffs of smoke from the chilled condensation of their breathe. They paw curiously at the air. , November 2nd: The weedian s usual incidences continue, yet the oncoming winter has culled the herd.

Those that remain grow increasingly aggressive as resources wane. Three shoes have appeared. I know not from where they come, only that they have. The herd ignores their ominous presence. A string of lights drapes about the pine trees. There is no logic in this place. Many a night I have lain awake, unable to sleep as their calls and sounds reverberate to Wallace and beyond. The smell of weed now haunts me.

November 17th: Today, a member of the pack returned to the Weedian with impressive bounty - three chocolate chip cookies, cheese curds, and meat of the chicken tender. They feast. I had never expected a meal to appear so ravenous yet so...lethargic. , November 20th: The pod s structure is seeming to collapse. From what, I do not know. My hypothesis is the cold has weakened their morale. A cloud of fog descends over the weedian, thicker than ever.

November 27th: I return from , hiatus. The pressure of their study has gotten to be too big a burden. I cannot escape the Weedian s chaos. The creatures have piled food, sticks, LED lights, and bongs in the center of the median. They have frenzied in my absence.I fear what is to come.

November 28th: All hell has broken loose. Irritability has turned to rage, to fury, many of my fellow scientists fear their ruthlessness and anarchy, the throwing of shoes, the laughing, the smells, they can no longer be contained. A fire has erupted. The beauty of this place is gone. I fear this is my last entry.

Nature is a cruel yet beautiful mistress. Life has once again, and will always find a way.

Fig 1.1: blunt��

Hege Games Corner 2

Across: 3. You’d be lucky to get one of these at Cafe Mac dinner 6. After eating Scotty’s you will be sitting on one of these 8. Remember the ITS staff will NEVER ask you for this via email 10. You’re on campus and you gotta study for your econ test but you wanna make love to your partner too. Where on campus do you go?

1

3 4

5 6

7 8

9 10

11

Down: 1. Submit to ________ 2. The Student’s Choice for best economic system 4. If they have a water bottle from this brand, you KNOW they’re an athlete 5. Famous alumni who didn’t actually graduate from here, but we will take what we can get 7. Did a guy just mansplain to you in class? Guess what? He majors in _____________ 9. You are doing one of these right now 11. You get emails from her daily, but nobody knows how to spell her name Your Housing Agent (who are we kidding, it’s your friend, Jeff) has some fantastic suggestions for your housing together next year:

Option 1: A cozy duplex that has no insulation and singular toilet in the middle of the floor in the basement. No sinks, but lots of… spirit? ............................................................... Rent: $430/month PP Option 2: the House that Jeff Found On Craigslist. Amenities include rude landlord and mysterious unlabeled box of cornstarch (?) found in cupboard.

Thanks Jeff??? You’re a real asset???? To this team??? .......................................................................... Rent: $300 plus utilities Option 3: The beautiful house you saw on Mac Free & For Sale. Too bad it’s up for literally 30 seconds before someone takes it from you… what a cruel, cruel world it is. Why did Jeff have to get our hopes up just to destroy them again?........................ Rent: Your hopes and dreams Option 4: Living in the Olin Rice Hub. A convenient option for any STEM major ..................................... Rent: your soul. Jeff studies German, so it’s a no-go for him Option 5: The Breadsmith garbage bin. Everyday you will be showered with day-old bread in a glorious, unceasing onslaught ............................................................................. Rent: Free. Board included.

Option 6: Snow Fort you Made on Campus ...................................................................... Rent: Free, unless you value your toes Option 7: Jeff rejecting you as a housemate ................................................................................................ Rent: sad. so very sad.

Option 8: St. Thomas dorm room ........................................................................................................................ Rent: your dignaty

Friday March 8, 2019

David Sisk: A career

David Sisk

Do you feel the cold wind that now blows across campus, carrying with it the shrill cackles of phishing scammers and ITS employees who want to ask for your password? Pull your cloak closer and hurry home, little one, for your data is no longer safe in this cold, cruel world. Do you not see the lost souls, whose emails have already been hacked by fake honor societies? Have you not gazed upon them as they drift through the impenetrable fog that now suffocates the college? Have you not heard them cry out, pleading to the empty air for a simpler time when there was some redoutable bulwark to shield them from those beasts in the flesh of man whose only sustenance are students’ email passwords? Alas, that time is gone for David Sisk, head of Macalester ITS, most venerable protector of our passwords, and world’s most slippery man 2004-2019 has left Macalester College. Since 2004 Sisk has been a glistening beacon of hope in a world full of mild inconvenience and feeling sad that you get more mail from phishing scams than your parents. Although many fear our fair college will never recover from the darkness into which we have plunged in Sisk’s absence, we may at least cling to the message of hope he left us in his final words: Remeber, ITS staff will NEVER ask for your password via email! The Hege will gather on Sunday, March 10 at 10:00am at Neill 314 to try and steal all of Macalester’s vulnerable data before people realize what’s going on.

Collect them all!

Find all 10 covers of the Hege to decode our secret message

GOLDEN TICKET You’ve Won

THE HEGEMONOCLE

th e

H EGEMONOCLES the

HEGEMONOCLE

th

e hegemonocle turns

10th reunion special

Vol. 20

ten

Founded in 2008-2009

issue 1

AMERICA’S CHOICE

You’ve Won

GOLDEN TICKET

nocle turn s

THE HEGEMONOCLE:

The Hegemonocle turns 10

issue 1

Only annoying twice a semester

“Let us eat cake!”

The Hegemonocle “Probably Macalester’s First Humor Magazine”

Macalester Document Services St. Paul