Wines

Grape Expectations by Max Crus

Your call is important to us...

No it’s not.

If it was, a human would answer immediately instead of a robotic voice that a focus group selected (single, white, educated female) sprouting the most acceptable message, as above, or the one least likely to make people hang up.

What they really mean is that your call is not as important as extra dollars in executive’s pockets from not employing enough receptionists.

“Due to the covid pandemic we are experiencing a higher volume of calls than usual”.

They’re not.

It’s called Covid-19 for a reason, surely that’s enough time to sort out

They are experiencing exactly the number of calls they anticipate getting away with short of people getting jack of it and shopping elsewhere.

The reason we know this is that the same strategy was used before the pandemic.

How long will we fall for it?

Unless we shop elsewhere, forever.

However these things are not the most annoying aspects of modern corporate telephone communication, and neither phrase: “Please choose from one of the following options”.

Paradoxically, this is where you can take charge.

Of course your issue will not be among the options, but do not try to guess which option you think is closest.

What you need to do is choose the option that you think will make the company the most money.

Easily the fastest route to getting a human on the phone.

If there is an option like “I want to spend lots of money”, hit it.

This is often disguised as something like “are you a new customer”.

“Are you an existing customer”, is a lost cause not least because they already have your money and don’t want to give it back and the CEO has lost all interest in you, but also because the next thing they will ask is your 16-digit customer number, which they will ignore anyway.

How hard can customer relations be?

But surely the most annoying thing about corporate calls, is being asked to complete a brief survey at the end…click.

Oh, how we miss hearing “Welcome to The Blah Blah Company, how may I direct your call?”, like when you last rang a winery?

You never get an automaton at wineries…I hope.

Max Crus is a Clarence Valley-based wine writer and Grape Expectations is now in its 26th year of publication. Find out more about Max or sign up for his weekly reviews and musings by visiting maxcrus.com.au

Heggies Vineyard Eden Valley Single Block Estate Chardonnay 2017, $50. Heggies have gone to lot of trouble here : GPS co-ords, elevation, row numbers, they probably numbered each grape but didn’t have room on the label. However in case you hadn’t noticed, this is serious next-level chardonnay, so save it for your next-level friends and maybe the next election. 9.5/10.

Heggies Vineyard Eden Valley Estate Chardonnay 2018, $35. If the above is your good-wear chardonnay, this is your everyday garden chardonnay and frankly far easier to drink, not demanding you think about every mouthful. Slosh it around on election night. 9.3/10. Quarisa 30 Mile Pinot Noir 2021, $18. Imagine 30 miles of pinot? You’d have to go to Burgundy for that. This is far cheaper, easier and even better, it’s decent pinot perfect for a trendy Democracy sausage on election night. 9.1/10. Possibly not the most sophisticated riesling role admirably when called upon and will sit nicely next to your fancy oysters if necessary. 9/10.

Bent Bridge Brewing (Clarence Valley) Hazy Clarence Australian Ale (Vintage 2022), $65 (Carton of 16 x 375ml). It’s 25 years since commercial beer was brewed in Grafton, and many are still bitter at the demise of Grafton Bitter. Well, it’s back, sort of. At least as sophisticated and modern in appeal, this frothy 4.3percenter ale is eminently drinkable and you could (would) easily knock over the whole box with a few mates, if you are rich. 9.1/10. Parker Coonawarra Estate Draught Beer, 2022, $80 (Carton of 24). Speaking of beer, everyone’s getting in on it apparently, even wineries. Not sure if it’s brewed in Coonawarra, but it’s 3.5 per cent and Crisp and Refreshing according to the front of the can, which I cannot dispute. 8.8/10.