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Letters
LETTERS, FEEDBACK AND OPINION
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letters@nrtimes.com.au
Please keep under 250 words & include address and phone number This material from the originating organization/ author(s) may be of a pointin-time nature, edited for clarity, style and length. The views and opinions expressed are those of the author(s).
FERAL CATS FOXES AND DOGS
The fact over a million native animals are killed every year by feral cats and dogs plus foxes. Leads me to think if this was domestic cats and dogs being killed by the millions there be outrage but nothing really, we continue to allow feral cats and dogs and foxes to predate on native animals and do jack all to stop it.
One way which would help would put a bounty on all feral animals hundred bucks a feral dog fox etc. The other thing that would help is only allowing the RSPCA to sell cats and dogs and ban breeding altogether. I’ve seen over the last few years the designer dogs who a trendy for a few years then abandoned like Dalmatians were popular then French bulldogs now cavoodels and cabaoodels then what same as Afghans in the seventies.
It’s a joke and a ban on breeding and pet shop selling dogs and cats would help minimise the feral cat and dog problem.
Alan Mosley
Yamba
HOMELESSNESS ISSUE AFTER FLOODS
There are many property owners in the Northern Rivers who leave their houses / apartments empty for a good portion of the year and only visit occasionally.
As a result of the have an even bigger homelessness crisis on our hands. This is a plea to any owners out there to consider renting out their properties to those in the community who desperately need somewhere to live for a period of say 3 – 6 months, which will give them time to get their houses cleared and cleaned and while they await building inspections.
If you are not in a position to do so, please make a donation to local community organisations. Our generosity at this time is vital.
Liz Friend
Ocean Shores
THANK YOU BARRY WALSH...I’M WITH YOU 100+% (NRT 24/2)
Once upon a time. Something truly really wonderful happened. It was an historic land hand back decision to the Widjabul Wiabal people that established Lismore City Council as a Regional Leader in reconciliation with First Nation’s People.
HOWEVER, an Apprentice, newly learning, Councillor to Lismore City Council, has proposed that this historic gesture be...well, kinda cancelled ‘cos Lismore City Council needs to sell things to get themselves out of the $$$ pothole they are in
What the hell have the Widjabul Wiabal people have to do with the incompetence of Lismore City Council over many years? Truly unbelievable. What I had naively thought might have seen a change in Council direction is once again in a faraway land.
Benni
Girard’s Hill
BILLIONS FOR DEFENCE
How pathetic it is the liberal national party are scaremongering because of the war in Ukraine and now announced their going to spend 18 billion dollars on defence from new nuclear submarine bases to massive recruitment be of soldiers. What a waste of money.
Spend the 18 billion the environment, manufacturing more goods here electric cars for one and putting the train back on the north coast which could been used to evacuate people and bring freight into areas.
We need more money spent on nano technology where we can get a battery the size of a 20-cent piece to power a house and a battery the size of a car to power a whole town. Wasting money on defence is just that waste unless you have a hundred odd nuclear missiles pointed at every country in the world then it’s a waste of time because where still dependent on America and Britain for help if war broke out.
Alan Mosley
Yamba
CHAMELEON ALBO
I wonder whom each way Albo will pretend to be this week. Last week it was a little of Bob Hawke, a little of Paul Keating and John Howard. Albo aspires to emulate past political standouts as he is confused about his own identity, he doesn’t really know who he is, he lacks and fortitude. He is an accomplished chameleon; he has managed to successfully change his colour to adapt to every opportune moment while hiding his real colours. Albo has successfully hidden the fact he is of the far left of the Labor party, has voted for every silly unsuccessful piece of legislation in parliament, has never presented a budget. He has never owned or managed a small or large business, he has however supported the unions, Labor’s main bountiful money source. The Labor party describes itself as a major centreleft political party if Albo is elected prime minister the scales will very quickly tilt much further to the left. One has to look at the shadow front bench, completely left wanting for political talent compared to the current front bench. Please remember a vote for Labor is a vote for the greens, Labor will never win an election without green preferences, the greens will demand payback if Labor is elected, like carbon taxes, destruction of coal and gas industry, and many other economies destroying socialist ideals. Everyone has to ask, which party is best health, borders, national security, economy and reliable power supply for small and large business to survive and prosper. Which parties will bow to China?
G. MacDonald
Pimlico
ABC IS NOT BIASED
In answer to MacDonalds letter (10/3/2022), the A.B.C. is not biased. Over the years both Labor and Liberal Governments have accused the A.B.C. of being biased. Hard to be biased against both wouldn’t you say.
The A.B.C. does not make the news, it reports it. If politicians are caught doing something illegal, unethical or just plain stupid you can’t accuse the A.B.C. of bias.
As for the promised funding for the A.B.C., this is only restoring the cuts made by the Abbott Government. The Prime Minister is only promising this funding as there is an election coming up, he knows that there are a lot of voters who support the A.B.C.
Holmes-a-Court has strict requirements before he will fund an independent. We won’t independent until they declare their funding. The independents are targeting Coalition seats because they are government. Note that they are all women and at least two of them are from Liberal backgrounds. To obtain
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LETTERS AND OPINION
funding their polices must include strong action on climate change and the establishment of a strong federal I.C.A.C. What a great advisory panel Holmes-a -Court has chosen! An axe to grind for better Governments for Australia. L.Clarke Ballina
CLIMATE DISASTER
It will not be long before the coalition government begins to excuse itself from the climate disaster occurring all around us. By pointing to the fact that Australia produces only 1.2% of the world’s greenhouse gasses they will again claim any action we take to reduce our emissions will have no bearing on the experiencing.
It’s instructive to use this logic when comparing Australia’s contribution to climate change with the contribution Australian service personnel made to the Allied forces in the Second World War. 59.5 million British Commonwealth, American and Russian personnel, including 730,000 Australians, fought against Hitler and the Axis powers in WWll.
The Australian force amounted to only 1.2% of the total Allied numbers.
Using their own logic would any member of Morrison’s government be prepared to stand up in an RSL and explain to the servicemen that, due to the relatively small size of the Australian army, their efforts in 1940 were pointless and had no discernible bearing on the eventual Allied victory? Patrick Lenfesty Ballina
EMERGENCY POWERS
Interesting how the prime minister is using emergency powers to overrule the state but didn’t use the same powers to overrule them during the pandemic to stop them closing borders and doing hotel quarantine instead of the federal government doing the quarantine administration thought Howard springs only.
We know the liberal national party are trying to look like heroes coming to the rescue, but we know it’s Joe public who did the rescuing not any state or federal government. There just trying to buy votes and look like heroes. Alan Mosley Yamba
INDEPENDENT CANDIDATE DRIVES A TINNY
Our Prime Minister may not hold a hose, but Independent candidate for Page, Hanabeth Luke didn’t bat an eye at driving in a tinny to rescue people and deliver desperately needed supplies, during the recent unprecedented Recognised for her bravery during the Bali bombing, Hanabeth’s tireless efforts this time were focused on her home ground of Evans Head and Woodburn.
Being a capable, multitalented woman, she was involved with others in setting up systems for meeting the needs of evacuated people, in the absence of essential services. These included a food distribution plan for the three evacuation centres in the area.
Not afraid of getting mud on her hands, she joined the “mud army” in the clean-up, noting how amazingly well the community responded to the challenges.
Hanabeth was then called on to represent the crisis response to the in Lismore. She says her role there was: “…recognition of the importance of the community effort and improved collaboration between formal agencies and spontaneous community operations”.
A Senior Lecturer in the Science and Engineering facility at Southern Cross University, Hanabeth is founding Coordinator of the innovative courses in Regenerative Agriculture. She is skilled in conducting research, interpreting and translating this understanding for the community. She is clear that we urgently need to address climate change, which is a driver of the unprecedented natural disasters we are now increasingly confronted with.
I am convinced that Hanabeth Luke is the ideal candidate for the Page electorate. Intelligent, practical, cooperative, ethical. Hanabeth is at the forefront of action when crises arise, has the experience working with affected communities to develop effective solutions and knows how and who to network with to successfully implement them. What more can one ask of a representative? Beverley Crossley Lismore Heights
WHERE TO GO? Lismore is a city of over 27,000 people. Since the latest and worst Floods lots of folk have expressed that it would be a good solution to “move” Lismore. I ask where to?
All surrounding Towns were also destroyed by called The Northern RIVERS for nothing. The Authorities need to have a United front with Residents and come up with a plan that suits everyone hit by the free area and let the old Lismore go under. Sue Le Cornu ILUKA
WOMEN’S POLITICAL PARTY
Just a thought be why don’t women start their own political party they’re always saying there’s not enough women in parliament so if they had their own party, they would have plenty. Furthermore, they would garner nearly 100 percent of the vote from women across the country. And be a force against the liberal labour and green domination of politics basically replacing the democrats. Alan Mosley Yamba
TENTERFIELD
CONSIDERATION – THE STAR OF THOUGHT by Nigel Dawe
In life, over the long haul, you see many different things undertaken for many different reasons - but it’s the actions prompted by consideration, that rise to the top in terms of things you’ll ever see.
Relatedly, the word ‘consideration’ stems from an old Latin term that broadly meant ‘to observe and contemplate’; mysteriously hidden within this concept’s explanation linage is also the ancient root term for ‘star’, denoting the act of staring up at the night sky in awe.
Little wonder, the headstone of one of the thinkers, Immanuel Kant reads: “Two ever new and increasing admiration and awe… the starry heavens above me and the moral law within me.”
English is a funny language, or perhaps I’m just a funny user of the world’s most broadly applied means to make ourselves known. As such, I remember thinking as a child how strange adding one simple ‘in’ to the front of a word turns that word into its opposite, i.e. ‘inconsiderate’, ‘inability’, ‘insensitive’; a shame when we say: “I am in debt”, that the same rule doesn’t apply!
The Ancient Greek philosopher Plato, once noted: “The love of learning is more than just a mere pretence”, in a similar vein: a deep regard for consideration, and incorporating this quality into your behavioural repertoire, is more than just a mere The American civil rights activist, Marian Wright Edelman once reinforced: “Being considerate of others will take your children further in life than any college degree.”
Consideration is one thing, but being considerate at the right time, perhaps when the odds are stacked – is quite another. I remember reading Oscar Wilde’s ‘De Profundis’ and he explained whilst being led amidst jeers from the courtroom (that condemned him to twoyears hard labour), one of his friends doffed his hat in respect to him as he walked past, and how it was the most touching gesture he’d ever received.
On any given day, you so often see the ‘cheap shot’ unleashed between people, which is just the feeble-rant offshoot of consideration. They are observations made and then expressed that have an abject lack of decency and social grace, and scream inadequacy or threat of some kind in the mind of the person who makes these ‘worthless’ comments that simply aim to demean or offend.
The considerate person makes their way through the world like a gentle interactional of decency and regard, thoughtful harbingers that help to raise life to a level of being supremely worthwhile. There is a natural air or default certainty to consideration that can’t be feigned, as Robert Brault once suggested: “Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.”
Relatedly, as if he were re-drafting the 10 commandments in a modern guise, Earl Nightingale once formulated the notion: “Our rewards in life will always be in exact proportion to the amount of consideration we show toward others.”
Coraki’s own rock and roll
SAMANTHA ELLEY
He has been sweated on by Janis Joplin, rubbed shoulders with Mick Jagger and been up close with Jimmi Hendrix, Cat Stevens and The Monkees.
Not bad for a structural engineer turned photographer with no formal qualifications, but that is where Colin Beard found himself in the 1960s, working for the first rock and roll magazine in Australia called Go-Set.
The Coraki resident, originally from England, lives in his small unit brimming with memorabilia of a time that was ground-breaking on the music scene worldwide.
“We just moved into a house together and none of us were paid a salary but the magazine kept us going,” Colin says of the team of Go-Set, which consisted of the editor, designer and himself as photographer and picture editor.
“One of the first things I did was the Rolling Stones when they were in Sydney.
“The problem was, noone knew who Go-Set was so every time I tried to get into the stadium I got thrown out by the scruff of my neck.”
Colin recounts how through sheer tenacity he managed to get the photos he needed for the magazine.
Despite the security guards constantly throwing him out, he managed to make it onto the floor where the band were staying.
“I went up and the moment I stepped out of the lift, the security guards were about to throw me back in and Mick Jagger put his head out and said ‘He’s with me’,” Colin laughs.
“He was fantastic and he said ‘Look I’ve only got a couple of minutes mate, so go for it’.”
After taking a number of photos, using the lighting available to him Colin managed to capture some very candid moments of the Rolling Stones.
When the band members saw the photos they were so impressed, Mick Jagger came up to Colin at the next press conference and said they were the best photos ever taken, up to that time.
“He said ‘Anything you want, you tell us what you want to do’,” Colin says.
“And I thought, ‘I was a beginner. What do I do?’”
Colin then got a group shot of the Rolling Stones.
From there on Colin’s reputation as a rock and roll photographer started to grow.
Australian artists such as Johnny O’Keefe at his last concert, the Master’s Apprentices, Bon Scott before he was AC/DC’s Bon Scott, Glenn Shorrock, Olivia Newton-John and a young Johnny Farnham were all captured through Colin’s lens.
He didn’t just take photos of the artists but also captured the atmosphere of the local dance halls and the crowds that would follow their favourite bands on a Saturday night.
Colin says his ideas for photos came from studying people.
“I was watching the way people interact, the body language, their expressions,” he recounts.
“When I got the camera I could capture that.
“I would take (photo subjects) in the back lanes, church yards and grave yards.”
A sponsored opportunity took Colin and Lily Brett, the writer of Go-Set around the world for seven months.
“We went to London and stayed with Normie Rowe,” says Colin.
“We had no money and were constantly waiting for money to come through.”
From London they headed to New York where Colin was set up on a blind date with another rock and roll photographer called Linda Eastman.
“We were meeting at The Scene Disco, a very fashionable disco in New York,” he says.
“Go-Set organised me to have a suit made, a real trendy thing.
“I went there and there was nothing there (with Linda). She had the hots for (the lead singer of the band playing that night).”
Colin took one photo of that lead singer that night, who turned out to be Jim Morrison, lead singer of The Doors.
Linda Eastman would go on with her rock and roll photography career, meeting up with The Beatles and eventually marrying Paul McCartney.
Colin also photographed the Monterey International Pop Festival, held in California over three days in June, 1967.
“That was an amazing event,” says Colin.
“(People) go on about Woodstock…but it was the end of something, Monterey was the event that signalled the whole west coast movement.
“They expected about 5,0006,000 people from San Francisco and Los Angeles.
“There was a revolution happening as 100,000 people turned up. It was chaotic.”
One of the acts, Janis Joplin was experiencing her first large-scale public performance.
Colin describes the event and his proximity to the legendary singer in his latest anthology of his photography life, The Go-Set Years 1966 to 1968.
“With every note, with every syllable that she sang she stamped her foot angrily like a trapped mustang onto the wooden stage,” he wrote.
“Each deafening crash of her chunky white shoe on the
Coraki’s Colin Beard leafs through his book The Go-Set Years 1966-1968. Memories of his time as a photographer with Australia’s first rock and roll magazine. The photo books to his right are also his works. Photo: Samantha Elley.
(From left) Mick Jagger and Keith Richards ham it up for the camera, Cat Stevens, and Janis Joplin performing at Monterey Pop Festival in 1967. Photos: Colin Beard
photographer
hollow timber structure felt like a lightning bolt striking me – I was only an arms-length away from her, trapped within a melee of photographers.”
Another night in Los Angeles, Colin and Lily found themselves at the Whisky A Go Go bar on the Sunset Strip in Los Angeles with only $10 in their pocket.
“Tickets were $4 each, so we thought we’d go,” says Colin.
“(Go-Set) wanted to do a colour spread, so I went to the chemist to get the film.
“Then Jimi Hendrix came on. He sang a couple of songs.
“Nothing was happening then suddenly he started ‘Wild thing…I think I love you’.
“By the end of it he had that whole place in orgasmic fits.
“He completely transformed that whole place, one of the most amazing live performances I’ve ever seen, the way he just grabbed that audience.” The colour photos feature in Colin’s anthology, showing all the rock and roll angst Hendrix was well known for.
After two years of rock and roll photography Colin moved on to the fashion industry and through the 70s became one of the most prominent fashion and advertising photographers, working for Vogue, Dolly, Cleo and Pol.
“The last shot I did I was working with three models to specify a message I didn’t believe in,” says Colin explaining why his fashion photography came to an end.
“And that’s one of the reasons why I gave up and went to teach.”
Colin was head-hunted as a founding member of the staff of The Sydney College of the Arts and then onto the design faculty of The University of Technology.
He worked extensively as a photojournalist for The Sydney Morning Herald and The Bulletin magazines and in 1986 was the first feature photographer to be commissioned for Australian Geographic magazine.
A pile of large picture format books Colin has produced, sit on his dining table and include titles such as The Mountain Men, The River People, Starlight’s Trail and Australia the Beautiful and Australia The Beautiful Cookbook.
Amongst his memorabilia are the works of his students who credit him with honing their abilities to produce their amazing photographic work.
“I was just looking at some of the books from my students and they’ve put on the front ‘You taught us stuff that books could never teach us’,” he says.
In summing up his ability to capture so many icons in the music industry and the atmosphere that surrounded them, Colin said it is more than just simply taking a photo.
“You are pushing all this energy into the camera, into an image and then the image is coming out and expresses far more than the event.”
Flood Appeal to support community
Tweed Shire Council is today launching its Mayoral Flood Appeal following a unanimous vote at last week’s Council meeting.
The Together Tweed Mayoral Flood Appeal 2022 seeks to raise much-needed funds to offer affected Tweed communities immediate help, support recovery efforts and resilience to future flood events and contribute to addressing significant long-term issues such as housing.
The February 2022 flood was the biggest in the Tweed’s recorded history. Many areas experienced unprecedented river levels and the damage bill is likely to double that of the devastating 2017 flood event.
While local residents and businesses may be eligible for assistance from the Federal and NSW Governments’ Natural Disaster Declarations, many people in the Tweed have been significantly affected by this flood event and will require extensive support to get back on their feet.
Consistent with the Council resolution, the Mayoral Appeal will support: • Murwillumbah Community Centre – contribute towards the purchase of a replacement community bus. • Communication solutions for isolated communities - purchase of improved communications equipment to help isolated communities stay connected in times of crisis.
Once these needs are met, the balance of the funds collected through the Mayoral Flood Appeal will be disbursed equally among the following organisations: • The Family Centre – Locals Helping Locals Flood Appeal The Locals Helping Locals Flood Appeal will distribute funds raised directly to children, families and young people impacted by the floods in the Tweed Shire. • Northern Rivers Community Foundation (NRCF) – Resilience and Regeneration FundThe Resilience and Regeneration Fund will award grants to help community organisations work in the early, medium and long-term recovery phases in affected communities in the Tweed Shire, following the emergency relief effort. • NSW State Emergency Service (SES) - Local units in the Tweed Shire
Support for local units to recruit, train and develop volunteers to effectively act and respond to protect people in the Tweed from dangers to their safety and their health and property from destruction or damage in future emergencies.
To help our floodaffected community, please donate to the Together Tweed Mayoral Flood Appeal 2022 by direct bank transfer.
The bank details are:
Name: TSC Mayors Appeal Fund
BSB: 062-580
Account: 10370281
Recipient organisations will be periodically reviewed to ensure they continue to reflect the needs of affected communities and additional recipients meeting the appeal’s objectives may be added at a later date. In making a donation, you acknowledge that Council retains full discretion as to how any and all donated funds are used, which may include distributing funds to other organisations or persons for those organisations to use and distribute as they determine.
For more information visit tweed.nsw.gov.au/ mayoral-flood-appeal
‘Leemo Cat’ writing once more. ‘Mum Jane’ has expressed her concerns about how much I have been sleeping & ‘resting’ lately. She reckons it is quite excessive and that I am turning into a Sloth. I politely informed her that I do not sleep or rest all the time. I make my way to my food bowls at LEAST 7 times a day… just to check them mind you!! This involves waking, stretching, jumping from my place of rest, and ‘walking’. Then, having to repeat the exercise to get back to my chosen place of rest. HOWEVER Mum, during the night I prowl and stalk ever alert and ready for intruders be they moth or mousie. Well, that got an eyebrow lift didn’t it? She told me she may get a wee camera thingie and attach it to my collar. This contraption will record EVERY move I make during the night for Mum to view. Hmmm. Serious ponder here!?. I reckon this invasion of my privacy by an ‘INTRUDER’ (in this instance, ‘Snoopette’Mum Jane). If she goes ahead via the planting of a camera on my collar or peeping at me in my own house, Invasion of Privacy misdemeanour granting me the right to sue Mum. AND, what she doesn’t know is that I have read up on such nefarious situations. Ooooh….I engvisage the HEADLINES!! ‘LEEMO CAT SCORES HISTORIC LEGAL VICTORY’ when the 12 Cat Jury determined he had suffered from what constituted Cruel & Unusual behaviour from ‘Mum Jane’, his owner. On imparting all this to Mum (at the same time dreaming of being famous) she was NOT impressed and told me to desist from being so and downright crazy. Well, I responded and told her to shush! ‘Mum, are you aware that there has been a lot of news lately about “Animal Standing.” In Oregon, a horse sued its owner for damages for pain and suffering and sought $10,000 for veterinary care. It doesn’t truly matter that the horse was oblivious to the fact that it was the litigant in the case. And don’t we all remember the monkey who asserted with the help of PETA? We will see more animal rights lawyers trying to sue on behalf of animal plaintiffs to enforce Animal Rights Laws. And there have even been rumours of the possibility of owners also being sued for deciding “NOT” to get out of bed at 3am because their puppy or kitten wanted a snack…in other words Mum, this constitutes “NEGLECT”. So there. Suck it up, and think about my wisdom. Feeling pleased with myself and purring, I was suddenly scooped up snuggled in the biggest hug Mum has ever given me. She said “Leemo..you are truly an AMAZING (if not downright crazy) Cat”. Well, purr purr purr. Nite, Leemo
Marty and his mum Denise going through the list and, some of the goods Marty has had donated. Donations brought in from Brisbane
Once upon a time, a young man called Marty grew up in Lismore.
He moved when he was older, and now lives in Brisbane. and when the roads opened, he came home to visit his parents.
As he said during his visit, “Until you truly see the devastation instead of from a ‘somewhere else’ perspective, you really don’t understand it”.
Marty did understand. He went back to Brisbane and organised a help page via his mates.
Marty rounded up an amazing amount of support and donations.
He himself rented a big ‘cage’ trailer and delivered much-needed items… for example, Ballina: three fridges; Lismore: one television, six microwaves, two washing machines, kids toys, toaster and dry towels, clothes dryer; Woodburn: washing machine and microwave; and, he has more to deliver.
Considering Marty works himself, his consideration and care for the plight of people in his hometown has been admirable. Thanks Marty!!
Mobile van delivers vaccinations
A mobile COVID-19 vaccination van will be travelling around the Northern Rivers to make it even easier for people to get vaccinated.
The walk-in outreach vaccination clinics make it easier for vaccinations, whether it doses. The clinic will for people aged 12 years and over, as well vaccinations for children aged 5-11 years.
Clinic times and locations
Goonellabah: Goonellabah Football (Soccer) Club, Reserve Street, Rous Road (near tennis courts), Tues 29 and Wed 30 March, 9.30am-2.30pm
Casino: Rugby Grounds, Bruxner Highway, Thurs 31 March and Fri 1 April, 9.30am-2.30pm
West Ballina: Porter Park, 17 Daydream Ave, Mon 4 and Tues 5 April, 9.30am-2.30pm Point Community Health Centre, 25 Woodlands Drive, Wed 6 and Thurs 7 April, 9.30am2.30pm
South Grafton: Rotary Park, Cnr Through St and Skinner St, Mon 11 and Tues 12 April, 9.30am-2.30pm
Flood victims urged to use licensed builders
The NSW Government the Northern Rivers region. I’m issuing a warning insurance. means that Atomic consumers on the South “In one case the “Another case saw a this at www.onegov.nsw. to contact NSW Fair
The mouldy old flood story
LARA LEAHY
it is worth removing the environment.
Wrap up of Richmond Valley Council meeting
LARA LEAHY
water, sewerage, waste Manager Vaughan organisations. throughout the house,
“Real. Insidious. You don’t see it coming.”
LARA LEAHY
This is one woman’s story in the Northern Rivers region. In telling her experience with Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the heels of the ABC special last Monday, she hopes to reinforce that this can happen to anyone, anywhere - men and women.
With decades of experience in a legal background where she has seen the effects of violence and physical abuse, the effects of prolonged emotional, her fragile, stunned and overwhelmed stating, “I never thought people could be so cruel and demonic.”
Narcissism in this extreme form, engenders a person with a feeling of superiority. An arrogant preoccupation with satisfying their ego. They need constant admiration and have a lack of empathy, guilt or remorse for negative or abusive actions against others.
In relationships, a fantasy scenario of their ideal existence is pursued. There is a series of stages and power plays that are synonymous with these situations. From the inside of a relationship, they can be hard to see, so speaking to people you know can be vital in diagnosing a situation, especially if a person is experiencing isolation due to a partner’s actions. Love Bombing is the term coined when someone with NPD sets their sight on a desired partner. At the beginning of a relationship, this is characterised by being swept off your feet by someone very quickly, with exaggerated intense display of feelings. For Cathy, this lasted months at “He was charismatic, successful and adored me. In the early stages we met, he wanted to move in together and also buy a property together. The Love Bombing would take place at different times throughout the relationship, usually to placate a situation. It could last a month or six months depending on what suited him.”
Usually this overt display is a distraction from what might really be going on.
“He told me he had an ex wife,” or so Cathy thought but it “was only later that I found out that he spent about half his time at the business and house he still owned with his “ex” defacto, claiming he had work to do.
“He told me about multiple investments - his property, business and investment properties. But it turns out they were all shared with his other “defacto’ partner”.
Cathy initially enjoyed her time at his property doing farm duties. They included preparing products sold in his and his defacto’s local business. Cathy was told that this was temporary and was going towards their future. Cathy became free labour, working countless hours from morning until late night.
This is when his moods began to vary and Cathy received criticism that her efforts were not good enough. Fear set in as the criticism and mood swings became more of a constant feature.
Love Bombing is followed by a stage called Devaluation. In an effort to control the fantasy, tactics are used to keep the scenario intact, often at the expense of their partner. • Projection - blame for things that they perpetrate. “I was not allowed to have any male friends and was accused of having affairs. One man he accused me of having an affair with, was incarcerated and others had passed away.” Cathy discovered the truth - he was conducting affairs of his own. • Gaslighting - “He would do things to unsettle me. If he made a mistake or broke something, he would blame me.” This degraded Cathy’s memory and self esteem. • Belittling - Cathy spoke of the degrading names he called her (unprintable). He would compare her life achievements with derogatory acts and often state that other women did things better than she did. If Cathy spoke up in her own defense, he gave her the silent treatment that could last for days. Cathy became the butt of jokes and the scapegoat when things went wrong. “When he was ready, he would give me an excuse, say he was stressed, and love bomb me again.” • Lies - “When I would least expect it, he would deny who I was to people. One of many examples was when he told me his daughter was coming over. I hadn’t met her before, so I got myself and the house suitably ready. Then he sent me a copy of a message he sent his daughter telling her that I was his friend visiting - making it clear they were not to be misconstrued as partners.” • Flying Monkeys - those minions surrounding a charismatic person that are willing to do their bidding.
“One of his best mates was threatened by me as I knew a lot about him and was warned of his character by several people. He was willing to do what he could to help this man with a smear campaign on my reputation.” Cathy said he moved others into the house, including this friend’s kids to make her feel uncomfortable and intimidated. It did. engendering dramatic events that can be used for gaslighting later. However, this triggers the love bombing phase to “make it up,” and start another cycle to keep the fantasy alive.
“Considering my relationship with the family, I can’t believe no one told me what his situation was. I had helped this family with trauma in the past for decades and was commended publicly for my efforts. His father asked me at one point, “If I’d done my research? That enigmatic message was all the warning I was given.” as well as unexplained or irregular absences, depraved sexual acts. Cathy states that his phone was usually hidden from her.
“A part of the power play, and he would often not answer my calls.”
About 3 to 4 years into the relationship, things turned really nasty.
There were situations when Cathy feared for her safety.
“If you don’t feel it’s right, but can’t prove it’s wrong, talk to those around you and be prepared to not like the answer,” Cathy said.
We spoke of what someone could have said to Cathy that would have made her realise what was actually happening to her.
“It’s hard. I needed to be asked “What makes you think he is not lying and cheating and conning you?” and provide some proof.”
Symptoms of someone affected by NPD abuse include physical and mental changes. A timid, hunched stance as well as nervousness, symptoms of shock, staring eyes, lack of eye contact, frailness and feeling numb. Memory affected causes forgetfulness or uncertainty of facts, concentration.
Cathy believed that the situation would change when he was not stressed. The worse he got, the more Cathy tried to placate him. Cathy has lost in excess of $50,000 throughout this ordeal.
Cathy now suffers from crippling self blame and embarrassment about her inability to see what was in front of her. Her support network, including medical practitioners, acknowledged the seriousness of the situation.
Cathy is rebuilding her life and part of that is supporting other women who have suffered from similar situations. Cathy is in discussion with women’s support groups in the Northern Rivers region to provide support to women in rural situations. You can also email reclaimyourworth1@gmail.com for a list of support services currently available.
