Putting the sham back in the poo.

What sort of product is called ‘Hairifcation’?

Okay, shampoo would be a front-runner but the real question is what sort of person came up with the name and what sort of people sitting on the board of that company agreed and said “Yeah, that’ll work”.

There’s a column in the name alone, believe me, I wrote it before I got out of the shower and read the rest of the bottle, and thus had to use a whole bottle of

Tahbilk Ngambie Lakes

Cane Cut Marsanne 2018, $21. Nice enough on its own, and not sweet enough to qualify as proper sticky, mixed with its stablemate, Tahbilk’s Couselant Chardonnay Pinot Noir, some soda water, orange and thyme (or Hairifcation) it magically becomes the most refreshing beverage white-out to start all over.

It goes on : “Pure Grow Shampoo, Get longer stronger faster!” They haven’t actually mentioned hair yet and it sounds more like an Olympic ideal, until…”Dynamic follicletargeting formula, clinically proven to increase hair growth in just ten days”. There you go.

Anecdotally proven to be complete poo if not the complete shampoo. I’ve used it for three months since Ms L. foisted the of summer. Ms L. had four! 9.5/10.

Tahbilk Central Victoria

Non-Vintage Couselant, $23. Ditto the marsanne, this is fne on its own but becomes a delicious delightful spritz with a glass full of ice and other bits as above. It won’t put hairs on your chest, but neither will Hairifcation, so maybe you could use follicle fxer upon me, presumably having decided it didn’t work, or more likely that she needed the opposite to something that increased hair volume. She leaves the stuff everywhere. Even the dog complains.

But maybe she should have persisted because this stuff apparently “kicks lazy, lagging follicles to the curb.” Better than vacuuming it up, just put the catcher on the mower.

“A dynamic growthpromoting treatment it as shampoo? As a cocktail, it’s 9.5/10.

Brown Brothers moonlighting as a shampoo. Get ready for your best hair yet.”

Tasmania Patricia Chardonnay 2021, $45. Fair bit sharper than you might expect of such an expensive chardonnay but such is the trend away from big buttery things. Think seafood or schnitty rather than creamy chicken. 9.5/10.

‘Struth, hang on hair washers.

“Prep and prime, baby!” it goes on. Then it’s suggested you follow up with Pure Grow Conditioner, then some Pure Grow Intensifying Spray “and let the ingredients party.” Which is followed by the warning “May cause compliments”.

Well, not yet.

At last the magical

Brown Brothers Milawa ‘Patricia’ Shiraz 2018, $60. Hard to choose between this and its cabernet sibling, both in terms of quality and what you feel like in the bottle shop. Depends on whether you ‘re having bankers or tradies for dinner. 9.5/10.

Chapel Hill McLaren

Vale The Parson Verdelho 2023, $18. Ideal ingredients, the frst of which is, um, water.

However, after the Sodium Olefn Sulfanate, Cocoyl Isethionate, Cocamidopropyl Betaine, Glycol Distearate, and a couple of unpronounceable things, comes Coffee Seed (Arabica no less), and Glucose.

You can drink the stuff as a morning pick-me-up while watching your hair grow…or not.

Apparently “IT’S NOT SORCERY, IT’S for those of a religious bent or those who have lapsed or just enjoy the game of seeing how many variations on the religious theme Chapel Hill can fnd, and no matter which you are rewarded with one of the most favoursome verdelhos on offer. Much more body than most which doesn’t really match the godly theme. 9.1/10.

SCIENCE.” Is marketing science? Just in case you are worried about the actual science, Hairifcation is “TESTED ON BABES NOT BUNNIES”. Hairy babes evidently.

But if all this is too much and you feel like you’ve wasted your dough, fear not, other ingredients include salt and citric acid, so you can ‘shot’ it with tequila too!

Or better yet, in your fancy summer spritz

Ferngrove Frankland River (Great Southern) Malbec 2022, $25. The smell is different enough to most Aussie reds to capture your attention while the characters and body too, from something weighing in at only 13.5, will maintain it. A really good standard and really good value. 9.4/10.