The Path to Lower Parent Stress and Improved Child Mental Health: Autonomy

By Emily Edlynn, PhD

There are too many parenting categories to track: helicopter, tiger, snowplow, attachment, gentle, positive, elephant, and dolphin. The human brain yearns for ways to simplify the complex so these parenting labels can feel appealing The problem is that parenting cannot be made simple or easy There is no scientific proof that the magic formula guarantees we “succeed” at parenting

However, there is a parenting approach that transcends categories and labels because it’s about a mindset. It’s a flexible framework rather than a prescription. It’s called autonomy-supportive parenting, and after investigating its body of research, writing a book about how to apply it in real life, and practicing it with my three children, I have realized it is the best-kept secret in parenting. We need to start talking about it, understanding it, and doing it for the sake of burned-outparentsandouryouthunderpressure

This science-based parenting approach has largely been ignored in favour of quick-fix promises of easy parenting because that’s what we crave for parenting to be easier. But as parents’ and children’s stress levels and mental health problems intensify for a variety of complex reasons, we may finally have arrived at the realization that “easy” parenting is an illusion for most. We may have hit the tipping point of wanting more than a parenting hack. We may finally be ready to prioritize science over hype and welcome richer parenting guidance that does not promise three steps to never yelling at our children again. (Cue guilt and self-blame when, in fact, one doesyell again )

WhatIsAutonomy-SupportiveParenting?

This approach, long studied in academia, combines an open and curious parenting mindset with applying strategies (e.g., offering choices, providing a rationale for rules, involving the child in decision-making and collaborative problem-solving, expecting independence). Over thirty years of rigorous research have shown that from toddlers to teens, autonomy-supportive parenting nurtures critical skills that increase confidence, competence, and connection through positive relationships

Being autonomy-supportive means understanding your child’s experience (“How did you make that choice?”) rather than lecturing them about a poor choice. Being autonomy-supportive means seeing opportunities for your child to build independence and confidence rather than doing things and solving problems for them. Being autonomy-supportive means ensuring your child feels choice and agency in their lives, from choosing activities for their friends to how they spend theirdowntime.

The Path to Lower Parent Stress and Improved Child Mental Health (con`t)

The end game of autonomy-supportive parenting is to raise a child who feels a sense of agency over who they are (their authentic self) and how they live their life (making choices matching their values). Using autonomy-supportive strategies promotes key ingredients of psychological health: internal motivation, belief in one’s skills, and self-awareness. Children raised in autonomy-supportive homes experience healthy outcomes, including greater psychological well-beingandlifesatisfaction.

GivingUpControlforAutonomy

In researching autonomy-supportive parenting for my recent book, I read dozens of academic papers and scrutinized my parenting. Even as a trained child and adolescent psychologist, mother of three, and alleged “parenting expert,” I discovered how reflexively I react in controlling ways with my children, particularly in times of high stress and intense emotion. In high-pressure moments like these, it’s all too easy to fall back on attempts to take control. To be controllingistheoppositeofsupportingautonomy.

Akin to helicopter/intensive/overparenting, controlling parenting includes psychological control (e.g., inducing guilt or shame) and behavioural control (e.g., pressuring a child to behave in specific ways, using threats to motivate). Not surprisingly, controlling parenting has been repeatedlylinkedtoworsepsychologicalhealthinchildren,adolescents,andyoungadults. For example, a controlling style demands straight A’s while an autonomy-supportive style focuses on boosting internal motivation for learning by understanding the child’s experience withschoolandproblem-solvingcollaborativelywhenstruggleemerges.

If given a choice between the two approaches, most parents would surely select autonomysupportive parenting because it aligns with what kind of children they want to raise and what kindofparentstheywanttobe.Yet,controllingparentingalltoooftenendsupasthedefault.

WhyParentStressMatters

Overwhelming stress depletes energy and narrows attention, resulting in more controlling behaviours Any parent attempting an evening bath with a resistant 4year-old after a stressful workday can probably relate When high stress leaves us feeling out of control, we exert more control where we can, and our children become the target. Then our children feel out of control, and behavioural and psychological problems follow, such as more outbursts, rule-breaking, substance use, andsymptomsof anxiety anddepression.

We are also more likely to be controlling as parents when we are not experiencing our autonomy When our autonomy needs are met, we can better support our children's autonomy; this means making sure we feel like we have choices to live the life we want and that we can be our authentic selves in our relationships and differentliferoles.