Breathe Easy: A Journey of Love & Self Discovery

Ann and her husband, Bobby, are from generations of coal miners in Southern West Virginia. When Bobby joins their ranks and begins working underground, the reality of the dangerous mining conditions haunts her.

She recalls, with great anxiety, watching her father, who suffered with Black Lung, fight to take his last breath. Ann experiences much turmoil and many losses in her life. She has loved and been loved; has been both cherished and abused; and, she has faced extreme loneliness and despair, yet is able to find great happiness working with students. She has easily loved others, but not herself. This heartfelt story follows Ann’s tremendous journey to not only love again, but most importantly, to love herself.

A JOURNEY OF LOVE & SELF DISCOVERY

“Breathe Easy is a tale of struggle and hardship, set in the mountains of West Virginia—the story of a young woman who experiences love and loss but remains true to her roots and her family traditions. Ann Montgomery has extraordinary gifts as a teacher. Life presents a series of challenges that she overcomes with grace and strength. This is a journey tale and bildungsroman that will hold every reader’s attention but will speak particularly to young adult readers about the importance of holding steady and never giving up.”

—DR. S. BAILEY SHURBUTT

Shepherd University Distinguished Professor of English, Emerita

TA M M Y D O N A H U E

TA M M Y D O N A H U E is a schoolteacher and speaker. She is the author of two multi-award-winning children’s books, Dr. Darcey and A Kindergarten Story.

Both are also Mom’s Choice Award Honorees. She graduated from Marshall University and received her Master’s Degree from the University of Virginia, an Education Specialist’s Degree from Virginia Tech, and her Doctorate Degree from the University of Virginia.

She is the recipient of the Excellence in Education Award – West Virginia Council for Teachers of English (2020), Excellence in Writing Award – West Virginia Council for Teachers of English/National Writing Project (2019), and Excellence in Education Award – Raleigh Register-Herald (2019).

Breathe Easy is her first novel. For more information visit www.TammyDonahue.com

TA M M Y D O N A H U E

Breathe Easy A Journey of Love & Self Discovery

Tammy Donahue

Publisher Page

an imprint of Headline Books

Terra Alta, WV

Breathe Easy: A Journey of Love & Self Discovery

by Tammy Donahue copyright ©2026 Tammy Donahue All rights reserved. This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents, except where noted otherwise, are products of the author’s imagination, or are used fictitiously. Any other resemblance to actual people, places or events is entirely coincidental. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any other form or for any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording or any information storage system, without written permission from Publisher Page.

To order additional copies of this book or for book publishing information, or to contact the author: Headline Books, Inc. P.O. Box 52 Terra Alta, WV 26764 www.HeadlineBooks.com mybook@headlinebooks.com Publisher Page is an imprint of Headline Books ISBN 13: 9781958914731 Library of Congress Control Number: 2025937782

P R I N T E D I N T H E U N I T E D S TAT E S O F A M E R I C A

To Frank, August, Franklin, and Dale...

Thank you for loving me the way I am and for helping me breathe easy.

1 It was the Fourth of July, and dusk was settling in at the Montgomery home. Lightning bugs danced through the air, their glowing bottoms twinkling like chartreuse-colored stars flickering through the open space between the earth and sky.

Cicadas chirped sweet songs of summer, and somewhere close by, frogs croaked in and out of sync in their low, hoarse tones. The Montgomery family happily shared a space with these delightful creatures and spent many hours enjoying their company and watching them work and play.

They often saw graceful deer families loping across the lawn with their long, powerful legs and flitting white tails. In early summer, young fawns, covered with white spots, often closely followed their mothers. It was an especially beautiful sight to see the youngest fawns, safely bedded down and hidden to avoid predators, peer through brush and grass as they awaited nourishment from their mother. Other inhabitants included the occasional big-bellied, lazy, slow-moving groundhogs and the not-so-welcome bushy-tailed skunks that were rarely seen but, upon sight, inspired others to run away quickly and sometimes made their presence known in the most unpleasant of ways.

The Montgomery family lived in Bradley, a small rural town in southern West Virginia, about halfway between Beckley and Fayetteville.

The busy but peaceful evening was suddenly interrupted when Smokey, Ann Montgomery’s blue merle Shetland 5

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Sheepdog spotted a late model, black Ford pickup truck that seemed to be inching its way toward their home. At first, he whimpered and whined. Then, in what seemed like less than an instant, his whining began to rise to a crescendo and turned to yelping. Within seconds, the yelping escalated to such loud barking Ann nearly jumped out of her skin. At once, Smokey’s herding instincts set in, and he began circling the yard. He was warning Ann and her parents that someone was approaching.

His eyes, one blue and one brown sparkled with excitement, and he never lost sight of the vehicle that was carefully crawling over the rough, overgrown, partly gravel road leading to the home of Bill and Violet Montgomery and their teenage daughters, Ann and Cindy.

Ann stood up and quickly brushed the dirt off the seat of her blue and white pin-striped cotton pants that reached nearly to her ankles. She squinted her eyes, hoping to see better, but still was unable to make out who was coming down the road.

She then created makeshift binoculars with her hands, hoping to get a better view. She had learned in Mr. Tolliver’s science class that this helped her focus in on far away objects. It blocked out light rays that were coming in from several angles and only allowed the rays that were coming straight toward her eye to enter. Basically, her eyes didn’t have to work as hard to see far away objects. She thought this was cool and used this method often when she was struggling to see something in the distance.

It always amazed her how much better she could see. Right now, though, she was trying to figure out who was coming to their house. The Montgomery family rarely had visitors, but Ann knew that whoever was heading down that road was surely coming to see them because the road dead-ended at their house.

As far as Ann knew, no one had mentioned anything about company. The Montgomery family had agreed to set aside this day as a workday. She and her parents planned to get a bunch of things done outside in the yard and garden. Cindy was going 6

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to stay inside and get all the housekeeping chores done and the family’s laundry washed, dried, folded, and put away.

There was a lot to do around the yard like mowing, trimming, and raking. And there was a good bit of watering to do in the flower and vegetable gardens. Ann, however, would spend most of her time in the gardens pulling weeds and plucking off the dead leaves and wilted brown petals and blooms on the plants and flowers. Only the thriving parts of the plants were left to flourish. She had often heard people complain about pulling weeds, and to many gardeners, weeding was their least favorite thing about gardening, but she loved to see the obvious difference her work made. After she cleared a spot, she enjoyed running her hands over the pristine soil and sifting it between her fingers.

She didn’t wear flowery gardening gloves to protect her hands and nails, so when she finished, her hands were dirt-stained, and her fingernails were caked with dark soil underneath them.

It took her a long time to get them clean, even using a small brush and lots of soap and hot water, but it was worth it to Ann, because she felt that gloves diminished the benefits she gained from interacting with the fertile soil. When Ann worked in the dirt, she felt happier and calmer. It gave her a positive energy.

And its sweet, earthy smell was evocative. Plus, bending over for so long to pull weeds was awfully hard on her mom’s back, and Ann couldn’t stand to see her mom suffer. So, she was more than happy to do the weeding.

Mr. Montgomery said that today he would be gathering some greens, tomatoes, and sweet peppers from the garden. Ann figured this meant her mom would be preparing a tossed salad for lunch on Sunday. She could hardly wait. For just a moment, Ann stood still. She was in a trance-like state as her thoughts drifted. She was thinking about her mom’s delicious salad. She envisioned the perfectly cool and delicious taste of a fresh salad prepared with crunchy cucumbers, tender lettuce, juicy tomatoes, and other goodies from the garden, then drenched in vinegar 7

Breathe Easy

and oil her mom poured into beautiful little crystal cruets that she kept on the dining room table. These tantalizing thoughts were interrupted, however, when Ann suddenly felt a stream of water oozing from her mouth. She took the back of her hand and quickly wiped the drool from her lips, feeling a little embarrassed and hoping no one had witnessed what had just happened.

The bounty of their garden brought Ann great joy. When her dad brought a mess of green beans in from the garden in one or more of the wooden baskets, she and her mom strung and snapped them. This was a special time for Ann. She felt at peace with the world. She enjoyed this time with her mom. She felt very close to her mom when they worked together, stringing and snapping beans. It was a comforting task for her. She didn’t have to concentrate on what she was doing. It was easy, uncomplicated, and natural. Her mind was free from worry. These were good times.

Ann found a long bean with two or three little bumps. She slipped her fingernail into the top of the bean and pulled back.

It would be the start of the string. She pulled it to the end of the pod, the thin thread curling up as it progressed. Next was the snap. Ann found a spot between the lumps. The lumps were the little white seeds inside the green pods. With both hands, she snapped the bean into two parts. A frown filled her face and she breathed a heavy sigh if the bean wasn’t crisp enough to break, and she had to tear it rather than snap it. Tearing, rather than snapping, was so very disappointing to her. She couldn’t hear the snap, and the break wasn’t nice and even. When this happened, sometimes one of the tender white seeds was exposed, and Ann didn’t like that.

Sometimes Ann and her mom sat for hours out on the front porch, talking nonstop about anything and everything while they prepared the beans. Many times, as evening approached, they moved inside and continued stringing and snapping while 8

Tammy Donahue

they watched a good show or movie on television. Either way, it was something Ann loved doing with her mom.

When the beans had been strung and snapped and all the little curls and parts with bad spots had been placed in a brown paper bag and thrown away, Ann’s mom rinsed them well and dumped them in a pot. She added water until they were covered and then about a quart or so more and salted them, being careful not to add too much. She added a ham bone to the pot, brought it all to a boil, then reduced the heat and let it simmer for hours, stirring every once in a while with a long-handled wooden spoon her grandpa had made in his wood shop. Ann loved the scents that wafted through their home as the beans gently boiled. The fresh green beans were delicious with fried chicken and creamy mashed potatoes with a hunk of butter slowly melting on top.

The butter formed a small pool on top of the potatoes and then slipped down the sides of the heap like little tributaries. And Mrs. Montgomery’s coconut cream pie with a toast-colored fluffy meringue was the perfect ending to a perfect meal. It was smooth and cool as it gently slid down Ann’s throat, giving her just the right amount of sweetness and crunchiness to enjoy and savor.

Ann and her family loved working outside their house. Well, everyone except Cindy. She was content to stay inside and wash dishes and do laundry and do pretty much everything else that needed to be done inside their home when the rest of the family was doing all the outside chores. So, the distribution of chores worked out well and everyone was happy.

Cindy and Ann weren’t much alike. Cindy enjoyed being alone. She often read books and magazines and kept to herself while everyone else was doing something outside in the yard or the garden. She had a lighted mirror that she kept on her dresser.

She could sit for hours and experiment with different shades of eye shadow and eyeliner and practice styling her hair. Sometimes she put on a bathing suit, covered herself with baby oil, and lay out on a blanket listening to the radio until her skin was red 9

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and sore. It was her hope that the burn would eventually turn to a nice bronze color like the one on the advertisements for a popular brand of suntan lotion. In the ad, there was a little girl wearing a two-piece bathing suit. There was a small dog tugging at the bottom of the girl’s swimsuit. It managed to pull a little of her swimsuit bottom down and exposed her white bottom. Most of the time, though, Cindy used the baby oil. She thought it was cheaper and faster.

Ann was just the opposite. She liked working outside, she didn’t like being alone at all, and she never wore makeup. Ann usually was a nice brown color in the summer, but she never lay in the sun. She got her tan from working and playing outside.

She rarely even looked in a mirror. Once, a long time ago, her grandfather had scolded her for what he called “primping.” Her grandpa ran a poultry farm, and Ann often accompanied him in his old blue Dodge van to deliver eggs to his customers. She had been waiting for him while he stood on the front porch and talked to Mrs. Gilmore for several minutes. So, she began gazing in the long, rectangular side-view mirror while she waited, probably more out of boredom than anything else. Ann’s heart dropped and her face flushed when her grandpa corrected her, saying, “Don’t stare in the mirror like that!” This was the only time she had ever been admonished by him, and she was embarrassed.

After that, she rarely looked in a mirror for more than a couple of seconds. She used it to brush her teeth and quickly check her hair. That was it.

At one point in the day, Ann slipped away from weeding and other yard work. She was ready to do her favorite outdoor chore.

She loved to thoroughly and meticulously clean the birdbath on the front lawn. She used an abrasive powder and a scrub brush to remove all the stains. She lifted the heavy bowl from the pedestal stand and placed it on the ground. She then turned the brass spigot handle that stuck out of the cinderblocks beneath her house to get the water flowing into the long vinyl hose attached to it. She 10

Tammy Donahue

watched the green hose take form and slither like a garden snake as it quickly filled with water. She placed her thumb over the end of the hose to make it spray and create a more powerful stream.

She rinsed the heavy concrete bowl with the fresh, cool water from the garden hose. Last, she carefully placed the bowl back on the stand and began filling it with clean water. She watched the cool water ripple as the bowl filled. Then, Ann stood back and admired how beautiful the newly cleaned birdbath looked.

Ann’s face brightened and she giggled out loud as she watched the birds splash in the clean water then quickly flutter their wings to dry. They flew to the birdbath almost immediately after she cleaned and refreshed it. She imagined that the beautiful birds, usually robins, but sometimes cardinals or blue jays, were perched in the trees secretly watching her. She felt like they were waiting excitedly, but patiently, for her to get their clean water ready for them before they swooped in to begin their bath.

Ann and her sister had planned to celebrate their nation’s birthday later that evening. Around dark, they would lie on Cindy’s bed, munch some hot popcorn and sip sweet, iced tea through their new, swirly, pink and white crazy straws. They would watch the local fireworks display from Cindy’s bedroom window. There was a drive-in movie theater about half a mile down the road. On clear nights, Cindy and Ann could see the huge white screen, and if it was quiet enough, they could hear the sounds from the heavy speakers that patrons hung on their car windows. Every year there was a small display of fireworks there at the drive-in movies on the 4th of July, and Cindy’s bedroom window offered a perfect spot for viewing them.

“You guys expecting company?” Ann curiously asked her parents.

They both shook their heads no and kept working, not missing a beat. It would soon be fully dark, and they needed to get everything finished up so they could get inside and cool off.

Then, for just a second, Mr. Montgomery looked up from his 11

Breathe Easy

work. He fixed his eyes on the approaching vehicle and followed it as it moved along. He wiped the sweat that was beaded up on his forehead with the dingy, once white handkerchief he took from his shirt pocket. Then, with great precision, he forcefully spat a long stream of tobacco juice that landed, just as he had intended, on the stack of river rocks piled about three feet high at the edge of the yard.

Mr. and Mrs. Montgomery had been collecting river rocks for a while now. Sometimes, out of what seemed to Ann to be the clear blue sky, Mr. Montgomery would announce that he was heading out to get some river rocks. No one complained about the short notice, though, and in a flash, the whole family would pile in his blue Ford truck and drive down to the Greenbrier River near Hinton in Summers County.

Ann’s dad searched for a great spot that allowed him to get as close as possible to the river, then pulled down carefully and parked on the bank. Everyone hopped out, and Mr. Montgomery let down the tailgate on the truck. While the rest of the family waited on the bank, Mr. Montgomery waded out in the river and searched for nice, smooth, flat rocks. Rocks that had banged against each other and chipped away over thousands, maybe even millions, of years. He tried to find them in a variety of shapes and sizes and in various shades of grey, yellow, and brown, like the shell on the small box turtle Smokey once spotted and took a little bite of and then promptly threw up in the flower garden.

Ann’s dad took lots of time to find precisely the rocks he was looking for. Ann knew that he already had a picture in his mind of exactly what he wanted and needed for the project he was planning. Mr. Montgomery had promised to make Ann’s mom a nice patio from the river rocks he collected. Ann could hardly wait to see the finished job. Her dad did an excellent job at everything he attempted. He was a bit of a perfectionist, and Ann was very much like him.

He nearly had enough rocks to do the job now. So, it 12

Tammy Donahue

wouldn’t be too long before he would start constructing Mrs. Montgomery’s patio in the back yard. When he found a rock that he thought would work well in the patio, Mr. Montgomery began to ready himself to lift it from the riverbed. He planted his feet so that his legs were even with his shoulders. He then shifted his weight and gingerly bent his knees. They were usually stiff and sore from crawling on the hard floor of the mines for years, but he didn’t pay much attention to it. He was used to feeling the pain. Next, he stooped over and lifted the heavy rock out of its resting place in the riverbed, grunting some as he straightened his back. Ann could see the mud rise quickly and cloud the water like a genie released from its bottle as her dad lifted the rock from the place where it had most likely been resting for years and years. Then, carefully holding the big, cumbersome rock out in front of him, he carried it and trudged through the river and onto the bank. When he reached the truck, he carefully lugged each of his newfound rocks in the back, one at a time. He stacked the rocks just a couple of feet high. He was being cautious not to crack or damage any of them.

Ann’s dad worked by himself to find the best rocks and then carry and load them. Waiting never bothered Ann, though.

While she waited, she sat on the riverbank and took in all the surroundings. She found it peaceful listening to the river’s calm sounds as it moved gracefully downstream and gently and rhythmically lapped upon the bank. She observed the little ripples from water striders as they skated on the river’s surface, an occasional fish jumping out of the water catching a fly, floating tree branches, and the blue-, green-, and purple-colored dragonflies with swiftly moving iridescent wings buzzing and darting around, sometimes dipping into the water for just a second. But most of all, she loved to watch her dad work. She was amazed at how strong he was. The rocks he gathered were huge and heavy.

He liked doing this kind of work though. It was difficult work but seemed to be relaxing for him. Ann figured he enjoyed working 13

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out in the fresh air and in wide, open spaces that were outside rather than working thousands of feet underground, crawling in the dark, closed-in spaces in the mines. The Montgomery family made several trips to the river over the years.

Ann’s dad stood back and looked over the rocks in the truck bed. He felt pretty good about today’s haul and knew he could only bring home a few rocks at a time if he wanted to protect his precious cargo. He seemed to be satisfied with the rocks he had collected and stacked. So, it was time to start heading home.

Ann noticed that her dad’s pickup was so loaded down it had begun to hang low to the ground. This somehow reminded her of her mom’s beautiful white peonies that grew too heavy for their stems. They had huge, gorgeous white blooms with large, close-fitting petals arranged in multiple layers. Unfortunately, though, as these elegant blooms matured, they grew so heavy they drooped. The stems weren’t strong enough to support the weight, so Ann and her dad had to stake them up.

On the way home, Ann and her dad rolled down the windows in the truck. Mr. Montgomery rested his elbow on the window frame of his door and the breeze poured through the truck and tussled Ann’s hair about. Ann turned the radio dial to WWNR, an AM station in Beckley. The DJs played good music, and she and her mom discussed some of the song lyrics. Then, Ann grew sleepy and lay her head on her mom’s lap. She quickly dozed off, hearing faint sounds from the radio. Something awakened her.

She paused for a moment and glanced over at her parents. She smiled. She saw her dad plant a tender kiss on her mom’s cheek.

Her mom giggled. Her dad was beaming, his face glowing with delight. Ann didn’t witness a lot of tender moments like this between her mom and dad. It felt good to see them happy.

“Whew! It must have got to a hundred degrees out here today!” Mr. Montgomery said. “Just got that one row left to finish, and I’m headin’ straight for the house. Want to sit down and watch somethin’ good on the TV!” “Fan’s gonna feel just 14

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right!” he added.

A tiny grin then emerged on his face. He now recognized the truck rolling past him. He casually announced, “I think that’s Bobby driving up...David and Linda’s boy. Wonder what he’s up to.”

Ann and her family lived in a two-story, white-frame house surrounded by a perfectly manicured lawn. It was bordered by lots of vegetation. There were beautiful wildflowers such as sweet-smelling golden yarrow; delicate Queen Anne’s lace gracefully swaying in the wind; tall, friendly smiling sunflowers; bold, encouraging black-eyed Susans; and bright, pink cone flowers beckoning to the butterflies and bees that often stop by to sip their nectar. Mr. Montgomery’s well-maintained vegetable garden was at the far end of the lot, closest to the tool shed; it was his pride and joy. He sometimes worked so hard and so long in his garden that Smokey would circle him and stand guard while he worked, making sure he was feeling okay on the hottest days.

Dense woods outlined the lawn and adjacent lot and kept both hidden from view.

To get to the Montgomery home, you had to turn off the main street, curve onto Oakland Avenue, and then veer to the left out a little dirt road. If you weren’t looking especially for their road, you would most likely miss it. The road was rough and was usually almost always filled with huge mud puddles.

Past the puddles was the sand lot. Anyone not familiar with the area that happened upon the road and made it as far as the sand lot would most likely think they had reached a dead end and turn around to head out, but there was a small hidden entrance a little beyond the sand lot that led to the Montgomery house and yard. From Ann’s yard, approaching cars could be seen a good distance away, but strangers would most likely miss the wellhidden Montgomery family home.

Ann liked that her house was tucked away from the view of 15

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others. It was kept out of sight by lots of vegetation that flourished behind their lawn, garden, and wildflowers. There were large, beautifully abundant, light purple rhododendrons with thick, waxy leaves--West Virginia’s state flower. There were also pines and other evergreens, and full, lush deciduous trees like oaks and maples. Ann liked to think of it as her family’s little secret hideaway.

Smokey ran alongside the truck as it pulled up to the house.

He barked ferociously and lunged at the wheels. He tried to bite them as they turned and spun and sent sand and small rocks hurling through the air.

Ann had been outside all day helping her mom weed and water the flowers and doing her own chores like mowing, cutting weeds, doing trim work, and cleaning the birdbath. She took a break once in a while and watched her dad work in the garden.

She was a little dirty and sweaty and had not expected company but was still pleasantly surprised when Bobby hopped out of his truck and walked toward her. He was neatly dressed in dark blue shorts and a baby blue t-shirt. He grinned at her with his familiar, sweet, handsome smile. His brown eyes were friendly and bright and looked almost as if they, too, were smiling as he gazed at Ann. As soon as Smokey saw Bobby, he stopped barking and yelping and started nudging up against his legs and wagging his tail. Smokey instinctively recognized good human beings.

Bobby reached down and rubbed Smokey’s ears for a minute.

Then he spoke to Ann. “Thought I would go down by the river and watch the fireworks tonight,” Bobby happily announced. “Wanna join me?” he quickly added with his characteristic wide-open friendly smile.

His shining eyes were fixed on Ann’s and filled with anticipation while he awaited her response.

Ann hesitated for a moment. She was a little surprised to see Bobby but was especially taken aback that he asked her to go with him to see the fireworks. Ann paused for a moment and 16

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asked herself if Bobby could be asking her on a date. Naah, she thought. That’s silly. We’ve been good friends for years.

Ann was tickled that Bobby had thought of her, though.

And she really wanted to see the big fireworks show at the river.

She knew it would be lots of fun. It was the best fireworks show in the area, and she always had a great time with Bobby. Well, everybody had fun when Bobby was around. So, Ann ran inside to tell Cindy she wouldn’t be watching the fireworks with her later that evening. She looked for Cindy and spotted her perched on the couch in the living room. She already had her nose in a book. When Ann told her she was going with Bobby, Cindy didn’t even look up at her. She continued reading and waved goodbye without saying a word. She couldn’t have cared less that Ann was leaving. She was fine watching the fireworks alone. In fact, she preferred it.

Ann ran to the bathroom and thoroughly washed and scrubbed her hands and fingernails. She collected warm water in her cupped hands and splashed her face several times. Then, she turned off the hot water and, turned up the cold water and waited until it felt icy in her hands before giving her face a final, refreshing splash. She ran her fingers through her hair and tousled it about a little. She gave her teeth a quick brushing and swished a little mouthwash, then briefly smiled in the mirror. As Ann ran out of the house, the screen door slamming behind her, she called out to her mom, “Goin’ to go watch the fireworks with Bobby down by the river! Be back after while! Okay?”

Ann’s parents had no objection. They had known the Winter family for years. They smiled and waved goodbye.

“Have fun! And drive careful, Bobby!” Mrs. Montgomery called out to them. “Don’t be too late gettin’ back here!”

“I won’t!” Ann answered sweetly.

“I’ll have her back here right after the show!” Bobby promised.

Mr. and Mrs. Montgomery had finished up, so they quickly 17

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started putting away their tools. Ann and Bobby sped off to the river’s edge in his shiny black pickup. When they arrived, the fireworks were just about ready to begin.

18

2 Ann and Bobby had been good friends since elementary school. She had never thought about them in a boyfriend/ girlfriend sort of way, though, and, as far as she knew, Bobby hadn’t either. Sometimes, they studied together. Ann usually helped Bobby with English assignments and essay papers or reports that he had to write. He was very smart but wasn’t big on writing. Grammar wasn’t a strong point for him, either. Ann loved to write, though, so it worked out well for both.

They also played sports together. The first year Ann played first base for the girls’ softball team, Bobby stood on the sidelines and gave her pointers.

“The play is at second, Ann. Be ready! That second baseman is going to zing it to you for the double play. They’re going to be counting on you, Ann,” he warned.

He wanted very much for his classmates’ team to win, but most of all, he wanted to build Ann’s confidence and help her to be successful.

Most of the players were strong, athletic girls. They could hit, run, throw, and catch much better than Ann. Ann could catch the ball well, but it stung and burned like fire when it hit her glove.

She never let the others know just how badly it hurt her hand to catch the super-fast balls they threw to her. She was supposed to catch the ball in the little web of her glove, but she never learned how to catch it correctly, so she just got stung by the ball every single time her teammates threw it to her.

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Ann rarely got a hit or a run. But most of all, she just didn’t want to strike out. Ann was pleased if she could swing the bat at the appropriate time, speed, and level and was able to make contact with the ball. Unfortunately, though, the ball usually didn’t travel too far when she hit it. Even though Ann swung with every ounce of strength she had in her body, the ball seemed to kind of thud against her bat and then usually landed somewhere in the infield. The quick, skilled opponents quickly scooped up the ball, and she generally ended out getting thrown out at first. She wasn’t a very fast runner, either. She knew she wasn’t as talented as the others were, but she concentrated and listened to Bobby’s advice and did her best to play her position well. She didn’t want to let her team down. She was thankful and glad that Bobby was always there on the sidelines, coaching her and supporting her and her teammates.

Volleyball was also a favorite sport for the local high school students. Several teens from school got together to play in the park, sometimes for hours at a time. Both Bobby and Ann were usually there. This was Ann’s favorite sport. She was good at volleyball...one of the best at her school. She was a fierce competitor and a skillful player. She was always on top of her game...but Bobby, not so much.

Ann couldn’t help but giggle sometimes when she watched Bobby play. She never made fun of him; she just thought it was kind of funny to watch him. When he bumped the ball, it would usually shoot out far to the left or zoom way out of bounds. His serves didn’t always make it over the net, either. And he wasn’t very fast or very limber. Yet even though he wasn’t such a great player, he was usually one of the first people chosen for the team, no matter who the team captains were. He was very sociable.

Everyone loved him. He kept people laughing. He cracked jokes and kept everything light and easy. It was always more fun when Bobby was on your team...or on the opposing team for that 20

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matter. Ann loved volleyball, though, and was competitive. She held her own against everyone, males and females alike, with her killer serves, her hustle, and her ability to spike, set, bump, and even block spikes.

Another social event for the teens around the area was playing poker. Often, on Saturday nights, Bobby, Ann, and a few of their closest friends got together to play cards. They took turns meeting at the homes of different friends. About 6:00 in the evening, they would set up their game outside on the porch, in a barn, in a friend’s basement, or, if they were lucky, one of the kid’s parents would let them play in their dining room or at their kitchen table. They usually played some form of poker. It was dealer’s choice, meaning whoever dealt the cards got to choose which game of poker they would play and what, if anything, was wild. Anne’s favorite game was Black Jack or Twenty-one. The game was easy, and she was a little bit good at determining odds of coming close to twenty-one, hitting twenty-one exactly, or busting. Sometimes she chose Five Card Draw. If she did, she always chose deuces and one-eyed Jacks as the wild cards. The words deuces and one-eyed Jacks kind of rolled off her tongue, and it made her feel more knowledgeable and confident about the game when she called them as wild. It was like she knew what she was talking about.

None of their friends had a lot of money, but betting was one of the best parts of the game. It was always penny ante, so there was just a small pot, but even if it wasn’t much money, for Ann, reaching out with both arms, surrounding the pile of money, and raking it in to add to the stack of coins standing in front of her was always deeply rewarding and great fun.

Ann knew very little about poker or playing cards. At her home, 500 Rummy was the only card game they ever played.

Bobby, though, was a knowledgeable and skillful poker player.

Bobby loved to sit beside Ann in a poker game and coach her.

21

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He explained the process of playing each of the different games carefully to her, reminding her as she went along what she needed to do. Nobody ever minded when he peeked over at her hand and whispered to her how many cards to draw. Sometimes, at the end of a hand, Ann would be confused about who the winner was, so Bobby usually told her which hands were the winning ones.

“That’s a full house, Ann. So that beats a straight.”

Sometimes he reached over and moved the cards around in her hand to show her, without having to speak where others could hear him and know what hand she was going for. And, when it was Ann’s turn to deal, Bobby proved to be quite the gentleman. He collected the cards and shuffled them for her and then handed them to her to distribute and make her game choice. Ann rarely made a move in poker without consulting Bobby first, and he was always there looking out for her. Ann never remembered Bobby nor her having a harsh word for each other. They were good, good friends. Maybe best friends.

Ann liked riding in Bobby’s truck. He kept it immaculate, inside and out. There wasn’t a speck of dust anywhere. The windows were clean and clear, the door handles gleamed, and the floor mats had no spills, nor spots, nor dirt nor mud. He was a careful driver, just like he promised Ann’s parents he would be.

Ann felt safe with Bobby.

When they arrived at the park at the river’s edge, Bobby drove his truck slowly, creeping through the parking lot like a turtle, trying to find a good space. When he found the right spot, he carefully pulled in and cut off the engine. He left the gear shift in first, so that the truck wouldn’t roll. Ann heard a clicking sound as he quickly pushed down the emergency brake with his left foot. Then Bobby and Ann quickly rolled up their windows and hopped out of his truck. Bobby took out a beautiful red, white, and blue hand-stitched quilt that his grandmother, Ursula, had made. He handed it to Ann. His grandma had appliqued beautiful stars, big and small, throughout the quilt top. It was 22

Tammy Donahue

perfect for celebrating the Fourth of July holiday. He had neatly folded it up and placed it behind his seat before he left for Ann’s house, hoping all the while that she would agree to accompany him to the Fourth of July celebration. He wanted everything to be perfect for Ann. Next, Bobby pulled a small cooler from the back of his truck.

It was a red metal Coca-Cola cooler, galvanized on the inside.

Ann thought that it was neat because it had a bottle opener on the side and the handle kind of locked into the top. Bobby had packed it with ice so that the pop inside would be cold by the time they got to the park. He also brought homemade pepperoni rolls. Bobby had asked his mom to make them for him to bring to the picnic. They were wrapped in aluminum foil and placed in a brown paper bag. Bobby had thought of everything. He didn’t want to miss a single detail. He hoped to make the evening special for Ann. He was relieved and thankful when she agreed to join him on this beautiful night to celebrate the 4th of July.

Bobby’s thoughtfulness didn’t go unnoticed. Ann had never really been “made over” like this before. It embarrassed her a little that Bobby had gone to great lengths to make the evening special for her. She just wasn’t used to it. But, nevertheless, she liked it.

Ann and Bobby tiptoed cautiously through the crowded park area, careful not to step on others’ blankets nor bump their chairs. When they found the perfect spot, Ann and Bobby worked together to unfold his grandma’s quilt. Ann loved feeling its softness and marveled at his grandmother’s handiwork.

Bobby smiled. He appreciated that these things were noticed and valued by Ann. His grandmother hand-tied her quilts with heavy yarn. Ann’s mom created beautiful quilts, too, but she sewed her pieces together, and then her friend, Mrs. Milam, hand-stitched the quilt layers for her. Together, they made beautiful quilts that were wonderful works of art.

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Ann recalled going to Mrs. Milam’s house with her mom once to a quilting bee. Mrs. Milam had fabric stretched out on a frame in her dining room and several women sat around it, each sewing a part of the quilt. They had gotten together to make a quilt for one of the women in the church who was expecting her first child. Each quilter had one block to complete with her own design. Ann’s mom chose a sailboat, Mrs. Hall had a baby rattle, Mrs. Almond was stitching around a baby bear, Mrs. McGlothlin was creating a pretty cat, Mrs. Milam was working on a lamb, and Mrs. McPeake was sewing a small house. Mrs. Milam invited Ann to sit beside her and help her with her square.

She let her make a few stitches around the little lamb. Ann was very careful and made tiny stitches. Mrs. Milam told Ann that her stitches were so good that long after everyone else’s pieces had pulled away from the fabric and exposed and weakened the threads after being washed so much, the little lamb would still be in place. She bragged to all the women what an excellent job Ann had done. Ann’s face brightened and she smiled from ear to ear when she heard Mrs. Milam’s words. Then Mrs. Milam gave her a wild cherry Lifesaver to suck on while she sat beside her watching everyone quilting. Ann sat back and enjoyed her sweet treat. Wild cherry was her favorite flavor. It was near the end of the roll. Ann was okay with pineapple and suffered through lime.

Next was orange, her second favorite flavor, and then she finally reached cherry! It was so sour and tasty! Last in the order was lemon. It was just okay. Mrs. Milam got a special roll, though, that had nothing but wild cherry candies in it. Ann felt like she must be in Heaven when she could have one wild cherryflavored candy after another! She loved listening to the women talk and laugh while they swiftly moved their needles, pulled the off-white thread through the fabric, tied small, tight knots, and snipped the fabric and threads with their sharpened scissors.

Mrs. Montgomery created beautiful handmade quilts. Ann loved them all...the log cabin design, the crazy quilts with all 24

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kinds of colors and a variety of fabrics, and the flying geese...but her favorite was the double wedding ring design. Ann had no idea, but her mom had secretly been making one for her that she planned on giving her as a graduation gift. She started early so that it would be ready by the end of the school year. Most of the fabric was light blue. There were soft colors like cream and pale yellow in the background. Then pieces with various shades of red were sewn throughout the quilt, making up the rings. This made it cheery and bright. She could hardly wait to surprise Ann. She knew that Ann would appreciate it and treasure it always.

Ann’s grandpa had also already been busily working in his woodshop making her the gift he would give her for on her graduation day. He was making her a cedar chest. Some people called them “blanket chests,” but Ann’s mom and grandmother called it a “hope chest.” This chest was supposed to be a place where a young woman kept special things like household items that she would have when she got married. A hope chest was a way for young ladies to start preparing in a practical way for marriage. Ann always wanted one, but she didn’t think of it as something to prepare for marriage. She loved dishes and blankets and simply wanted to collect them. She wasn’t a girl who thought about wanting to marry someday. She didn’t dream about fairy tale weddings, fancy white dresses, beautiful long trains, and a flower-filled church. She didn’t dream about a fancy honeymoon.

Truth be told, Ann thought that one day she would use the items in a home that she alone owned.

Ever since Ann’s grandmother showed her the cedar chest her son, Anne’s uncle Joe, had created for her in his woodshop class, Ann had dreamed of owning it. Cindy wanted it, too, though.

Unfortunately for Ann, Cindy was the oldest granddaughter in the family, so to keep with tradition, Granny gave her cedar chest to Cindy. Ann’s heart was broken. She understood her grandmother’s reasoning, but this didn’t lessen her hurt. And she never told a single person how much this hurt her. Her grandpa 25

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most likely knew, though, and this was probably why creating a hope chest for Ann was so very important to him. Cindy was Granny’s favorite, but Ann was the apple of her grandpa’s eye.

Something about having her very own chest with a lock and key was very appealing to Ann. She loved locks and keys and the idea of having something secret or private that held things that others could not view. She had a diary with a small strap and lock. It had a tiny set of keys with it. Ann never could think of anything to write in it, no matter how much she tried. But she still loved her diary. The lock and keys were what made the diary so special to her, even though there wasn’t anything secret inside it.

When Ann was seven years old, she saved her money and bought a special book. She had seen it advertised in a comic book. It looked like an ordinary book. The cover was dark brown, and the inside was cream-colored. It was made of hard plastic, though, and there were grooves on three sides of the book that made it look like there were pages. But inside, it was hollow. It had a secret compartment. To Ann, it was like a small safe with a combination lock. She loved to hide tiny items inside it.

Ann also liked their post office box. Each day, when she opened it, she was filled with excitement. It was fun to turn the tiny dial inside the star of the brass box with a small window at the post office. Their box number was 492. It was exciting to move the dial in the correct sequence and in the specified directions. She was proud that her parents trusted her enough to share the combination with her. She was careful to stop at each of the appropriate spots---first, three turns around to clear it. Then, right three turns to E, left two turns to B, then right one full turn to C. Finally, she turned the small twist knob. She sighed with relief and felt happy when the locked box opened successfully.

Ann and Bobby sat on a grassy spot near the river, and from the start, the night had a certain magic to it. Ann looked into Bobby’s eyes. They were sincere. They mirrored his friendly 26

Tammy Donahue

nature and warm heart. It had been a hot day, but a slight breeze coming off the river cooled Ann as it gently touched her face.

Wisps of her hair danced about as Ann and Bobby laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. Bobby always made Ann laugh, but tonight, she giggled and smiled and laughed out loud just a little more than usual.

“Do you remember when you went home for lunch that cold winter day in fourth grade and were really late getting back to school?” Bobby asked.

“Oh, my goodness, yes!” Ann answered. “I lost all track of time! And when I got back to school and the building was completely quiet, I knew that I had messed up and that I must have been more than just a few minutes late. I thought I was in for it! I was afraid of what Mrs. Bond was going to say to me. I was even more afraid of being sent to the office. I had never been sent to the office before! I peeked into the second-grade classroom as I passed by it, and Mrs. Mangus was writing on the board and the kids were busy working. They were using those strips to review phonics, saying the sound that each letter made...A says, “a, a, a,” and so on. At that point, I honestly had no idea how late I must have been, but I was skipping steps and climbing that stairwell as fast as I could! I was afraid that I was going to get in big, big trouble...maybe even be sent to Mr. Allen’s office.”

“But when you stood in the door, and you had that tiny little Christmas tree in your hand that you had chopped down, I thought that you were the cutest, sweetest girl I had ever seen!”

Bobby admitted. “You looked like a Christmas angel if there ever was one!”

Ann blushed. “Thank you,” she meekly answered. “I wanted us to have a real live tree in our classroom, so I thought that I would go back on the mountain and get one for us. I was hurrying the whole time! I didn’t have any tools to chop it down, so I had to use every ounce of my strength to try to get it out. I tugged and tugged on it and finally pulled it out of the ground, roots and all.

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I was working so hard that I lost all track of time. I had no idea I was taking so long!”

“It was such a sad little tree,” Bobby teased. “But every student in our class cut strips from red and green construction paper, put the ends together and glued them to shape them into links, and then joined them together to make long chains. Then Mrs. Bond draped them on the tree. Next, she got the glitter from the art cabinet, and everyone made sparkling ornaments with yarn for hangers and hung them on the branches. Our sad little tree was just beautiful after we all decorated it,” Bobby remembered.

“It was beautiful, wasn’t it?” Ann agreed. “And Mrs. Bond wasn’t one bit mad at me for being late!”

“How could she be?” Bobby asked, looking directly into Ann’s eyes. “Who could ever be mad at you, Ann Montgomery?”

“You know,” Ann said, with a good bit of seriousness to her tone, “I never could stand the fact that my parents always have an artificial Christmas tree.” She continued, “And I beg them every year to get a real tree, but they never will. Mom thinks they cost too much money.”

“I know!” Bobby answered. “My parents never get a real tree either. They think it’s a waste of money and that it leaves a big mess to clean up. At one time, they actually purchased one of those shiny, silver, metallic trees.”

“Oh, my goodness! Mine, too! And did your parents have the big red satin ornaments with the white plastic hook on top?”

“Yep! And we even had one of those revolving wheels with a light behind it!”

“Oh, goodness, yes! It sat beside the tree and reflected light on the little silver strands of the tree, and everyone oohed and awed about it!”

“Yep! That’s what we did, too!”

“And we had the white blanket with the colored sparkles that we placed at the bottom of the tree.”

“That’s a tree skirt, Bobby.”

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“I think it was supposed to look like snow.”

“But it was rectangular, so it never fit right around the tree.

And if I tugged it too hard, it ripped.”

“Next, my parents moved up to a green artificial tree. And we still have it! We pile all those branches into color-coded groups.

Then, we insert the painted wires into the right holes and then bend the limbs to try to make them look natural. That’s the hardest part. Last, we add these little green wire rings of fake pine needles around the pole to cover the bare spots.”

“Oh, my goodness! We have a tree like that, too! I hate it! The limbs never look right!”

Then Ann added, her voice filled with seriousness and her eyes showing a tiny bit of sadness, “And we have this tall glass ornament that we use year after year for the top of the tree. I guess it is supposed to be some kind of star or something. It’s pretty enough, but I never liked it. I have always wanted an angel for the top of the tree. I have begged every year for an angel, but we never get one of those either.”

“We have one of those lighted stars attached to a white plastic disk and a bunch of tinsel around it.”

Ann smiled. “Bobby, when I have a home of my own, and I get to do my tree the way I want, I’m going to get a real tree that fills the room with its lovely, natural scent. And it is going to be tall and full and beautiful! And I am going to have the most beautiful decorations in the world! And lots of colored lights. We never have enough lights to go around our tree.”

“And an angel for the top?” Bobby asked sweetly.

“I will definitely have a beautiful angel for the top of my Christmas tree!” Ann promised.

Ann quickly changed the subject as she remembered something else from elementary school. “Do you remember that time I tattled on Buddy in third grade? It was the time Mrs. Riffe left the classroom for a few minutes and Buddy was throwing those blackboard erasers at people across the room.”

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“Didn’t Mrs. Riffe give him a few licks out in the hall for that?” Bobby asked. “And wow! She could paddle like nobody’s business! You could hear it all over the school!”

“Yep, she paddled him. And I felt so badly about it. I felt about one inch tall,” Ann answered, her face turning rosy red.

“Well, I think he forgave you,” Bobby said reassuringly.

“Wasn’t it him who got into a fight over you down in the baseball field with that new kid who was just at school for a few months?

I don’t remember his name. I think it was Michael, maybe...

Michael Lusk?”

Ann grinned at this story.

“And the funny thing about that whole fight is that I didn’t like either one of them! Well, I liked them...I just didn’t like them.

How in the world do you remember that Bobby?”

“Well, I remember because I was glad it was Michael that Buddy was after and not me! I was kind of sweet on you myself,” Bobby admitted.

“I never knew that, Bobby,” Ann softly answered. She was completely taken aback by his words, well, more like his confession...but she didn’t want to seem shocked or make a big deal out of it. Bobby’s words certainly brought a smile to her face, though and warmed her heart.

Bobby sighed softly and smiled warmly back at Ann. He was relieved that her reaction to his statement was positive. It took a lot of nerve to finally say something to Ann. “Well, you were probably the only one who didn’t, Ann. Everybody else always knew.”

This sweet, quiet moment was interrupted when suddenly a green flash of light popped and sizzled above them! The inky black sky provided a perfect backdrop for the dazzling display of lights. And at that very moment, the Fourth of July fireworks show had begun!

Each display seemed to be more beautiful than the one before it. Ann loved the white fireworks best. The night was so exciting, 30

Tammy Donahue

and Bobby and Ann were undeniably happy. They oohed and aahed as the fireworks exploded and popped and magnificent light and color filled the sky. The colorful flashes of light reflected in the river’s dark water as the fireworks exploded overhead.

Bobby and Ann’s laughter seemed to be nonstop.

Ann lay back on the quilt. She felt her body lighten as the fatigue from working all day in the hot sun seemed to melt and retreat to the ground beneath her. It was as if all sound disappeared as she fixed her eyes on the sky above her, now seeing the fireworks from a different perspective. Bobby joined her, laying his head close to hers. She liked him lying beside her...it was like they were in a snow globe...the one at her grandma’s house that she loved to shake so she could see the tiny white specks floating in the water and then settling back to the bottom...but instead of snow, sparkling lights from the fireworks exploded in the sky and fell around them. It was, indeed, a magical moment for Bobby and Ann. They lay close to each other, but their bodies never touched.

Ann could feel Bobby’s energy, though. And he felt hers.

The perfect night ended with a bombardment of red, white, and blue fireworks exploding, popping, sizzling, and then falling one after another into the river below for the grand finale. Then, just like that, it was perfectly quiet. Bobby and Ann gazed into each other’s eyes for a moment. They were both sad that the show had ended. Then Ann nervously giggled, and the silence was broken. People around them started talking quietly and quickly milling about in the park, preparing to leave, so Bobby and Ann did likewise.

They stood up and worked together to fold Bobby’s grandmother’s beautiful quilt. They both held a corner of the quilt in each hand. Next, they stretched it out, put the ends together and halved it, then joined each other as they halved it again. Ann carefully lifted Bobby’s half of the quilt out of his hands, then folded the entire quilt into a small rectangle. They tidied up and placed the cooler in the back of the truck and the 31

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quilt back behind the seat. Bobby then opened Ann’s door for her and helped her inside his truck. He gently took her hand. Ann felt a tiny, unexpected tingle in her tummy. Unbeknownst to Bobby and Ann, this night would be the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Very few would ever know or experience a love like Bobby and Ann’s.

32

3 Every evening after school, Bobby called Ann. They talked on the phone for hours most every night if her parents would allow it. The Montgomery family had a wall phone. It was a rectangular black phone with a dial on the front and a silver hook where the handset receiver rested. The hook was what was used to disconnect calls. It hung in the kitchen beside the refrigerator. It had a long cord, and Ann stretched it to the limit. She wanted to talk privately to Bobby, but her dad usually sat close to the phone in the evenings, making that difficult for her. He normally sat at the table reading for hours. He usually read the local newspaper from the front to the back. He also methodically studied The Farmer’s Almanac and sometimes thumbed through the Sears catalog or a “Popular Mechanics” magazine. Ann managed to get the extra-long cord to stretch far enough for her to sit at the top of the basement stairs and pull the door shut behind her, giving her enough distance and privacy so that she could have conversations without being heard.

Bobby listened intently to everything Ann told him...the silly stories, the gossipy ones, and the troubling ones. Ann felt like she could tell him anything. She knew for certain that her secrets were safe with him. She knew that she could trust him. She knew that he would never tell another living soul what she had told him in confidence. So, she told Bobby anything and everything that troubled her, pleased her, made her laugh, or was on her mind.

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Even though the Montgomerys were lifelong residents of the county and known pretty much by everyone, they weren’t very sociable people. Ann and Cindy were sociable, but their parents pretty much kept to themselves, especially Ann’s dad. Everyone thought of them as nice people, but few people knew them well.

Ann’s mom was more sociable than her dad and sometimes participated in events at the church with the women’s group, but her dad was either at work in the mines, working on something at the house or on a car or in the garden, sitting at the dining room table reading, or watching television. Maybe once every year or so, he had a visitor. An old friend from his teenage years moved to Ohio and sometimes stopped by to see him when he returned to West Virginia to visit his family or his wife’s family.

And occasionally a friend from work stopped by, but this was rare.

No one knew really knew Ann’s dad. Well, no one knew the real Bill Montgomery. Neighbors, co-workers, and even family members would be surprised to know what a fussy, often unpleasant and grouchy man he was. He fussed nearly all the time. And, of course, no one knew that the Montgomery home was often in turmoil. Neighbors and others in the community wouldn’t even think for a moment that Mr. Montgomery would be unkind because he was friendly with nearly every person outside their home, nodding and putting up a hand to wave as he drove past people sitting on their porches or working in their yards. He would rant and rave for hours at a time at home, though, usually over something minor; yet, if someone like Ann’s grandpa came to visit, her dad would put on a smile and change his tune in one second flat. He would laugh and tell stories, and no one had a clue about his darker side. They saw him as a hard worker, a good provider for his family, and a loyal husband. And he was, indeed, all these things. He had a positive side to him, but he could be a cruel, hateful man, too...especially to those he “loved” most.

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Bill was all those things others thought him to be, but he was also jealous and grouchy and cruel...especially to Ann’s mom.

Ann vividly recalled escaping to Cindy’s room when her dad was on a roll. She and Cindy would crawl under the covers and hug each other while they listened to him go on and on until late at night. He yelled continuously for what seemed like hours to them. They cried softly and hoped it would all soon be over.

Then there would be a lapse, a few moments of silence, and he would turn off the lights. All would be perfectly quiet for a few moments. Then, for some unknown reason, he would suddenly flip on the lights and begin yelling again. Ann never heard her mom even respond to him. She never argued with him at all.

Ann sometimes wondered if this made her dad even angrier...the fact that no matter what he said, her mom would not argue with him. Ann often wondered, also, what it would be like to be in the room with him, seeing his dark, furrowed brows, and his wildlooking, dark brown eyes as he incessantly yelled, full of anger.

The most distressful thing for Ann was when her father tried to involve Cindy or her in the argument. He felt that he could bolster his side of the argument if someone were there to back him up on whatever he was claiming had happened. Ann recalled that he once summoned her to the dining room. He and her mom were sitting at the table and he was fussing at her mom, trying to accuse her of some wrongdoing. Ann dutifully reported to the dining room area, but stood in the hallway. Her dad asked her if what he was saying was true. He wanted her to side with him and confirm that her mom was in the wrong. Ann was terrified to disagree with her dad. She felt so much pity for her mom, who just sat there and looked at her helplessly. Ann, of course, took his side. She had to...or feel the wrath of her father directed at her...even though it killed her to do it. As she walked to the dining room, she had already told herself that she must agree with her dad, no matter what he said.

After her dad explained the situation from his slanted point 35

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of view, he asked Ann if what he said was, indeed, how the situation or event had occurred. Ann timidly and reluctantly replied, “That is true, Mommy. That is what you said.”

After Ann did her duty, sided with her dad, and said that her mom had done whatever misdeed he was upset about, Ann was dismissed to go, and Mr. Montgomery was pleased. Ann felt so ashamed and so very sorry for her mom. She then turned and timidly walked down the hall, her head hung low.

She knew, of course, that her mom hadn’t done whatever her dad was accusing her of, but she was afraid to disagree with him.

As she turned, she saw her dad smugly nod his head and heard him saying, “See, I told you.” Ann’s mom, of course, didn’t say a word. She wasn’t angry with her daughter. It hurt her to see her young daughter put in this awkward position. She knew it was wrong to involve her child in their argument, or his argument, really. She also knew Ann was forced to say what Bill wanted to hear. She begged him not to involve their kids, but he insisted.

Ann shared a story with Bobby about a time when they were going to visit her grandparents at their small farm in Coal City. As they approached the railroad crossing in Pemberton, the red lights were flashing, and the warning bell was sounding.

Mr. Montgomery stopped the car and put it in park before they reached the track. Everyone watched as the long coal-filled train passed in front of them. Ann recalled hearing the rhythmic clang banging of the huge metal beast that shook their car as it roared down the track. The red caboose was the last car to pass, and Ann was thrilled to see it every single time. There was a man who was assigned to the caboose, and his job was mainly to keep a lookout for overheating axles and to spot any damage or problem before there was trouble. It was customary for bystanders to wave to the man on the caboose as the train passed.

Mrs. Montgomery was on the passenger side of the car. She bent down and lowered her head a tiny bit so she could watch the train a little longer as it rolled down the track. Ann knew that it 36

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was a perfectly innocent thing, but Bill didn’t like seeing Violet do this. In his mind, he apparently thought she was trying to get a longer look at the man on the caboose as if she were interested in him or attracted to him in some way.

“Daddy threw a fit!” Ann explained. “How in the world could Daddy have been jealous of the man in the caboose? Everybody likes to watch him go by, for Heaven’s sake! Everybody!”

Pretty much everyone, adults and kids, stood on the side of the tracks, sat on their porches, or waited in their cars and watched until every single car passed. Then, when the caboose finally arrived, everyone waved to the brakeman on the platform.

It’s just what people did.

“It is the last car on the train,” Ann added, “and it’s like icing on the cake when he waves. I just don’t understand Daddy.”

Then, one night Ann shared with Bobby one of her worst family moments. It had haunted her for years. It made her feel guilty. She explained that the family was taking a drive in the car. It was one of those Sunday drives they often took to no particular place. She had asked a few times if they could stop for an ice cream. She didn’t think her parents had even noticed because neither responded to her in any way. She and Cindy had been playing Old Maid in the back seat and weren’t really paying attention to what was going on in the front of the car. Then, what seemed to be all at once to the kids, Bill was angry again at Ann’s mother.

Ann remembered hearing the windshield wipers slapping quickly as the rain poured down in sheets. Bill suddenly stopped the car right in the middle of the road and ordered Ann’s mom to get out. Mrs. Montgomery didn’t say a word. She just opened the door and stepped outside the car. Then she stood there for a moment, reached inside her pocketbook and gingerly took out a little plastic rain scarf folded up in a small tan sleeve. She placed it on her head and slowly tied it. She was turning away from the car to leave, and Bill sharply ordered, “And give me money. Ann 37

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has asked three times to get ice cream. I need some money.”

Both Ann and Cindy started crying. “I don’t have to have ice cream, Daddy,” Ann softly told her dad. “I’m sorry, Mom,” she softly whispered, hoping her mom could read her lips.

Bill ignored Ann. Violet reached in her purse and took out the small, flowered plastic pouch that contained money. Then Mr. Montgomery gruffly ordered, “Just get back in here, Violet.

Hurry up! A car is coming!”

Mrs. Montgomery did so without a word. Everyone but Bill was pretty much in shock as their family rode in silence down the road, listening to the rain beat against their car.

“I didn’t know what to do when Daddy did this,” Ann told Bobby. “I felt so sorry for Mom. I will never forget it. And then, to beat it all, Daddy stopped for ice cream, making me feel even worse. Who wanted ice cream after all that?” Ann whimpered.

Bobby couldn’t see her, but he knew that tears must have been pouring down Ann’s face. He heard her sobs, and her voice was quivering. “I felt so sorry for Mom. And I felt so guilty! I had forgotten about going for ice cream! I didn’t even think they noticed me asking them! How could Daddy make Mom get out of the car like that in the middle of a four-lane highway and in the middle of the pouring rain? Why did I keep asking for ice cream? I wish I never would have asked to go!”

Bobby’s heart broke for Ann. Mr. Montgomery had always seemed so nice to him! He couldn’t believe this other side of him existed. What makes him so angry? Bobby wondered. His parents didn’t fight like that. Well, Mrs. Montgomery didn’t really fight... just Bill.

But Bobby was well aware that his dad wasn’t exactly the perfect husband to his mother either. He was an ideal father, though. Bobby had no complaints about his dad as a father to him. He did everything he possibly could for Bobby to give him a good childhood, but he was certainly not faithful to his wife.

He was a big flirt. Women liked him, too. He sometimes hung 38

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around a little local bar and drank beer and flirted just a little too much. He never had a serious affair, but nonetheless, he fooled around.

Mr. Winters always went home to his wife, though. And she waited on him hand and foot. When he came through the door, she unlaced his boots for him and took them off his feet. She brought him his food and drink. And she took care of his every need. She never did anything fun with him, though. They never went out together as a couple. So, when Bobby’s dad was looking for a good time, he left his wife at home and ventured out on his own, looking for companionship.

Bobby shared his stories with Ann, too. Neither of them had ever told anyone what their households were like behind closed doors.

Bobby’s father paid lots of attention to him. He was proud of his little boy...his only son. His only child. They spent Saturdays together hunting, fishing, and camping. But Ann’s parents weren’t especially attentive to Cindy or to Ann. This is not to say that they never had time together because they did. One reason Ann liked working so much at home was that she gained attention from her parents in this way. Bobby noticed how hard Ann worked to get compliments and praise from her parents. She tried to do everything right, to be the best, to work the hardest. She became a perfectionist. Bobby always thought that Ann thought that if she weren’t perfect, she wouldn’t earn their attention or approval.

But, no matter what she did, even the close moments she sometimes shared with them, they never made Ann, nor Cindy, feel like they were special, like their little princesses...like other parents seemed to feel about their daughters. She and her sister did get to do lots of activities, but it usually wasn’t a family thing.

They normally got dropped off someplace and then picked up later. Every single Saturday when Ann and Cindy were growing up, Mr. Montgomery dropped them off at the movie theatre in Beckley. No one ever checked to see what was playing. It didn’t 39

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matter. They were going regardless of what was showing or what it was rated. It was just what they did.

Earlier in the year, Cindy got to go with her graduating class on a trip to Washington, D.C. They were going to ride on a train.

This was a big deal for all the kids at the high school but especially for Cindy because she had never ridden on a train nor been to a big city like Washington D.C. When they got to the train station at Prince, it was very crowded and chaotic. Cars and people were hustling around everywhere. There was a lot of confusion.

Cars and people were heading in several directions. There was hardly room for the cars to move about because there were so many people walking around. Most parents accompanied their children to the ticket area and waited there to see that their child had everything he or she needed. They wanted to make sure their child boarded the train safely. It was considered a big deal for nearly every student and for their parents as well. But it didn’t seem like a big deal to Bill Montgomery.

The whole scene was a little upsetting for Ann. She was already anxious about her sister leaving on a trip like this so far away and without any family with her. Then, as they waited in the car in the crowded lot outside the station with chaos surrounding them like low, dense fog, Bill said to Cindy, “Okay, then. Hop out.” He must have gotten tired of waiting. Or maybe he just didn’t know what to do. But telling his daughter to get out in that mess was certainly not the best choice, nor was it something that a loving, thoughtful parent would do.

Everyone in the car quickly looked at Bill and then at each other. They were shocked. Cindy, filled with trepidation, got out with her luggage and waved goodbye. It reminded Ann of her mom being forced to get out on the side of the highway in the pouring rain. Cindy didn’t say a word, but Ann knew that she had to feel terrified and abandoned. Without even asking, Ann hopped out of the car and hugged Cindy with all her might. She cried as she watched her sister leave. She then reluctantly got 40

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back in the car and pressed her face upon the side window as she tried to follow Cindy making her way to catch the train. She could not imagine the fear Cindy must have felt going through this hectic, chaotic process alone. She wished her dad and mom would get out of the car and be there for Cindy like all the other parents. She felt so sorry for Cindy that she could hardly bear it, but she was afraid to say something to her parents. So, she cried all the way home.

Ann’s father wasn’t always bad to her mom. In his own way, he loved her. He worked hard to give her a nice home, and he bought her anything she wanted. When he was in a good mood, the family had fun working and playing together. But any small event, even something that would go unnoticed by everyone else, could set Bill off, and the yelling would begin.

September rolled around and it was Ann’s birthday month.

Bobby asked her to dinner. The evening of her birthday, Ann was thrilled to hear the doorbell ringing and Smokey excitedly barking. Smokey now recognized Bobby and welcomed him with a wagging tail and lots of muzzling. Smokey was a good judge of character, and he adored Bobby.

Ann’s dad answered the door and invited Bobby inside.

They talked briefly while Ann secretly peered over the banister from her upstairs bedroom. She was watching Bobby for a few seconds while he waited for her to come downstairs. She thought he looked a little nervous, and for some reason this made her feel good. She wasn’t sure why. She saw that he had a beautiful red, long-stemmed rose for her, and she was thrilled but somehow surprised. She still wasn’t quite used to the idea that they were becoming much more than good friends.

Bobby was thoughtful and romantic. He opened doors for Ann, pulled out her seat at the table for her, and treated her like a princess. He chose the perfect spot for dinner. He had probably saved for months to take Ann to one of the nicest restaurants in town. It was known for delicious crab cakes and exquisite 41

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desserts. The restaurant was part of an old hotel that had been around since 1882. Ann adored the beautiful architecture, the antique-filled lobby, the original Czech-made chandeliers, the Cedar Room (formerly an Officers’ Club in World War II), and the Azelea Court, the original ceiling of which was painted to show the constellations as they appeared in the skies the day the first coal mine opened in their county in 1852. After dinner, Bobby and Ann walked through town. The night was perfect.

The air was cool and crisp. The streetlights illuminated the trees that lined the avenues. Very few cars passed on the brick streets that circled the block on which the hotel rested.

Ann shivered a little as they walked through town. Bobby offered her his jacket. He placed it on her shoulders. She left it resting there without putting her arms through the sleeves. She felt the thick shoulder pads. The weight of the jacket comforted her. She could smell a hint of English Leather. She loved the manly scent of the aftershave. Then they circled back to Bobby’s truck and headed to Ann’s house. The trip home was a little quiet. After they arrived at Ann’s house, Bobby walked her to the door. As they stood on the porch, he kissed her. It was loving and sweet.

Emotion welled up in Ann. She had never felt like this before.

It was fall...Ann’s favorite time of year. It was the season of football games, crackling fires, soft sweaters, homemade breads and cakes, mums, gorgeous brightly colored leaves, and pumpkins. And best of all were the fall fairs and festivals! Bobby invited Ann to accompany him to the Pumpkin Festival. Nothing could have pleased her more than being surrounded by the farmers’ bounty and the wares of local artisans and craftsmen.

She appreciated their work. Seeing the handmade items brought her immense joy. And making Ann happy made Bobby happy.

Fiddlers’ beautiful songs filled the air, and the sounds of people clapping and patting their feet on the wooden bandstand resonated in Ann’s body, heart, and soul. Storytellers lured their audiences with dramatic gestures and voices that would often 42

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bellow loudly then decrescendo to a whisper and finally end somewhere in the middle. Short little ballads or parts of them were sung by storytellers, lacing their stories together perfectly.

The storytellers’ strategically placed pauses added drama as the audience anxiously waited to hear what was to come in the story. Scents of delicious, spicy pork barbeque, corn on the cob, fried chicken, pinto beans, and cornbread filled the air. It was a perfect setting for Bobby and Ann as they held hands and walked around the festival, taking in the sights, smells, and sounds of the day. Visiting the Pumpkin Festival became an annual tradition for Bobby and Ann, and it was always a highlight of the autumn season for them.

Close to the Pumpkin Festival was a magnificent shop that housed beautiful hand-blown glassware. It was across the railroad track and down a small hill. Ducks and geese swam peacefully in a pond in front of the white building. The windows were filled with beautiful stained glass. Bobby drove Ann there, parked, opened her door, and gave her a quick little kiss. They held hands as they walked through the parking lot. Ann was amazed at the clear glass shelves crowded with hundreds of pieces of colorful, artful glass. She and Bobby toured the Blenko Factory and watched the artisans create a few vases and pitchers. The craftsmen heated the glass in a fiery furnace that reached temperatures as high as two thousand degrees. Then, when the glass became malleable, the artisan used a hollow pole to gather some of it. He rolled the pole over the molten glass until it formed a blob at the end of the blowpipe. The artisan blew into the other end, forming the piece he desired, using a metal rod to help shape it correctly. He next used long tongs to remove the new vessel from the end of the pole and placed it on a shelf to cool. The glass was world-famous and had been operated by the same family for generations. Pieces of Blenko glass could even been seen in the White House. Ann was so proud of these West Virginia artisans. Bobby gifted Ann with a small golden pumpkin with swirly leaves at the top that he 43

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had seen her admire. She cherished it.

The fall holidays were Ann’s favorite, too. Bobby made them especially fun for her! One afternoon, Bobby drove Ann down a twisting, curvy country road to a small pumpkin farm so she could choose pumpkins to place on her front porch and some for him to carve. There were dozens of pumpkins and gourds on display. Ann and Bobby walked down the rows, carefully inspecting every pumpkin until they decided upon two or three they thought would work perfectly for them. They liked pumpkins with long, curved stems. They were also partial to taller pumpkins rather than the short, fat ones. Ann didn’t like the pumpkins that had spots where they had lain on the ground; she liked them sleek and smooth. But with the gourds, anything was acceptable. The stranger they looked, the better. Ann liked bumpy ones, twisted ones, pointed ones, striped ones, solid ones, green ones, yellow ones, multicolored ones, and plain white ones.

Some of them looked like miniature pumpkins. She brought a bunch of them home and placed them in a basket on the table.

She loved bringing the colors of fall inside the house.

Bobby worked for hours carving pumpkins with spooky designs for Ann because she always wanted to have candle-lit jack-o-lanterns on the porch when trick-or-treaters came. Only two or three ever made it to the Montgomery home, but Ann wanted it to be a memorable stop for them. She also insisted that her mom purchase large chocolate bars for those who ventured to their doorstep to make the extra-long hike worth their while.

Ann and Bobby went to Halloween parties with friends, but Ann’s favorite event was trick-or-treating in a quaint little nearby town. The whole town participated in the Halloween festivities.

Dozens of families walked together through the streets, all dressed in homemade costumes. The little ones ran to jack-olantern-lit porches, yelled “Trick or Treat,” and friendly people, sometimes dressed in costumes, dropped candy into their bags.

Ann and Bobby walked hand in hand for an hour or so and then 44

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went to the center of town, where people sat on the courthouse lawn drinking hot cocoa and eating delicious chocolate chip cookies. There were games nearby. Bobby bobbed for apples in a big tin washtub. Ann laughed and lovingly dried his hair with her cotton sweater when he proudly showed her the red apple clenched between his teeth. The water dripped steadily down his face. He was her hero.

Bobby and Ann loved going to football games...especially Bobby. He knew all about the game and talked to everyone in the stands about the plays that were being made. He often critiqued the coaching decisions and offered his advice on what plays should be called. He cheered and yelled and sang. He jumped up and down, called out to the refs, and urged on the players. Ann was reserved, though, and didn’t participate much in the yelling and dancing. She loved the band, the cheerleaders, and watching people. She sang songs and cheered with the crowd but wasn’t as emotional as Bobby. She and Bobby had a little routine they did every time their team scored a touchdown. They had it down pat. They rolled their hands in unison then slapped their right hands together first, then their left hands, then both hands in the middle. Finally, they gave each other a kiss. No matter if their team won or lost, Bobby and Ann had a great time. Their school didn’t usually have winning football seasons, but Bobby and Ann were loyal fans, as were most of the people in the area.

Bobby planned to host an outdoor party on their school football team’s off night. He invited Ann. He created a huge bonfire, and everyone was standing around talking when Ann arrived. She was a little late because she had some car trouble. She ended up having to drive to the party in an old rundown station wagon she had borrowed from a friend. She felt embarrassed as she drove down the driveway to Bobby’s party, but when she saw the look on his face when she finally arrived, all the anxiety and embarrassment she had been feeling left her immediately.

Bobby was relieved to see Ann pull up in his driveway. He did 45

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not even attempt to hide how glad he was to see her. He walked over to the car and opened her door. She could see in his eyes the adoration he had for her. It felt good to her. At this very moment, she knew that Bobby was in love with her. The feeling inside her was remarkable. She loved being loved. She felt beautiful. She felt confident. She felt happy. Life felt very good to Ann right now.

And Bobby had never been happier.

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4 Ann and Bobby were still best of friends, but now, it was more than that. They were in love. They were crazy about each other and got along beautifully. They held hands everywhere they went. They looked at each other with adoration. The fact that they genuinely liked each other and loved each other, too, was apparent. Very often, friends, and sometimes even strangers, commented to them about what a cute couple they were.

Ann adored winter almost as much as fall. She loved walking at night when the snow was falling. She liked catching snowflakes on her tongue. She loved to see the snow piled heavily on the evergreens. One of the most beautiful winter sights for her was seeing snow covered branches that sparkled with light provided by the streetlights, the stars, and the moon. Huge icicles formed on the gutters of their house and hung almost to the ground.

Snow accumulated in her yard and on all the roads and streets, and Ann loved hearing it crunch beneath her feet when she walked.

Ann and Cindy never seemed to have proper winter attire for sledding. So, they improvised. They put socks on their hands for mittens and wore multiple pairs of pants and layers of t-shirts and sweaters to keep warm. They covered their feet with plastic bags before putting on a couple of pairs of socks. Then they forced their zippers up their coats, threw on a knit hat if they had one, and headed out the door for fun. Wearing their odd assortment 47

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of clothes, however, didn’t bother them at all. Lots of the kids were dressed just like them.

Bobby picked Ann up to take her on a sledding adventure.

They went to New River Park in Beckley. There was a huge, steep hill with a big grassy area at the bottom. Both were heavily covered with snow. It was a perfect spot. Bobby got in the back of his truck and pulled out two big old innertubes. Ann had never ridden down a snowy hill on an innertube before. They carried their tubes to the top of the hill and carefully lay across them with their bottoms in the hole. They used their legs to pull themselves forward, and then...woosh! They started flying down the hill. Ann loved it! She was a little frightened! They were traveling really fast down the hill, spinning in circles all the way, the cold snow spraying in their faces. She knew that she couldn’t stop even if she wanted to, and was scary to her, but it was a fun kind of scared. So, she continued to ride the innertubes time after time. It wore her out, climbing back up the hill each time, but it was worth it. They had a blast!

Ann loved to be the first person outside after a big snowfall.

She would carefully trudge through the snow, trying not to make too many footsteps or disturbances in the snow, until she found a perfect spot. Then she would fall to the ground on her back and flap her hands and legs and create a beautiful snow angel. This winter, Bobby joined her. They couldn’t stop laughing!

Mr. Montgomery had moments when he was a loving father.

One of those times was when Ann was about ten years old. Ann recalled Mr. Montgomery helping her make a snowman that winter. She was thrilled that he took the time to do this with her. And, of course, it turned out to be an excellent snowman.

The three balls for the bottom, middle and head of the snowman were perfectly round. Ann’s dad made a traditional snowman that had a blue plaid scarf, a carrot nose, sticks for arms, and the eyes were made of coal. Ann was so proud to have it in their yard.

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The Montgomery family had a couple of events that they did each Christmas. One was driving around looking at Christmas lights. The neighborhoods in Beckley were usually the most beautifully decorated. Ann adored the colored lights placed in trees or shrubs outside people’s homes and the lights that outlined windows, doors, or even the entire front of houses.

She liked to see trees adorned with tinsel, lights, and varieties of bulbs set up in front of picture windows for all to view. Many houses had nativity scenes or big, plastic Santas with their sleighs and reindeer. And on Christmas Eve, the family went out to a sitdown restaurant for a nice dinner before going home to unwrap presents. Her favorite was a little Italian restaurant in the center of town.

Ann was excited that Bobby would be coming over this year to unwrap presents with the family. Ann had saved money from working part-time at a little gift and card shop in town and bought Bobby a handsome watch for Christmas. It was a good one. It was of high quality and pricey, but she patiently waited and caught it on sale. Her parents allowed Bobby and Ann to have a little privacy to give each other their gifts. Ann went first.

She was proud to give Bobby his gift that she had painstakingly wrapped in silver foil paper and to which she added red ribbon and a red bow. Bobby slowly and carefully removed the bow and ribbon and then unwrapped the box. He complimented Ann over and over for doing such a great job at wrapping it. His eyes widened when he saw the beautiful watch. He was pleased and thankful for the watch and realized that it was of high quality.

He tried on his new watch and bragged about how handsome it looked on his wrist. He was nervous and excited though and could hardly wait to give Ann her gift. Before he presented the tiny box to her, he kissed her and held her and said, “You know what?” And Ann knew exactly what he meant. He didn’t have to say the words. She knew he wanted to marry her. They embraced and lovingly kissed each other. Bobby gave her the tiny box that 49

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held the diamond ring he had selected for her, and Ann adored it.

She loved Bobby with all her heart. She knew that she and Bobby would create a wonderful life together. They both felt fortunate and were full of joy on this beautiful, loving Christmas Eve night.

Bobby and Ann planned to marry after graduation. Neither wanted a huge fancy wedding, so they decided that they would most likely elope. Spring arrived, and with it came graduation.

They didn’t have a wedding date set for June 22nd, but they knew they were ready to make it happen. So, they both gathered a few things and the clothes they each had chosen to wear for their wedding ceremony and then hopped into Bobby’s truck and headed out of town. They got a little confused in their directions because Ann was a terrible map reader. She sent Bobby in the wrong direction. They found a good spot to turn around, made a U-turn, and then got back on track. They didn’t care one bit that they had been lost or that they had wasted time. They simply laughed and talked and sang and drove and had a great time.

They finally ended up in Spotsylvania County, Virginia. Ann had a beautiful ivory dress with pink flowers she planned to wear for the wedding ceremony, and Bobby was planning to wear his nice black suit, his starched white dress shirt, and a light blue tie.

After they arrived in Spotsylvania Courthouse, the county seat of Spotsylvania County, they went to the County Clerk’s Office to plan for a small wedding ceremony later that day. They were both dressed comfortably in jeans and T-shirts. When they went inside the small courthouse, there was a white-haired woman who talked to them about the steps they would need to take to get married. It sounded to Ann and Bobby like a very simple process. She said that she would take care of the paperwork right then, so they sat down at her desk and answered the questions on the form. Ann started giggling. It was nervous laughter, and she couldn’t stop no matter how hard she tried. She laughed the entire time the clerk was completing the paperwork. The elderly clerk looked up at Ann, a bit bewildered. She looked at her as 50

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if she were checking to be sure Ann was okay to proceed. Ann nodded her head up and down indicating that all was fine. She kept laughing, though.

The paperwork was finally finished. Ann got up from her chair and was ready to leave to get dressed. Her thought was that they would get dressed in their nice clothes and come back for the ceremony in an hour or so. The clerk then said, “I can do it for you now if you want.”

Ann was hesitant, but Bobby was thrilled. He was also insistent. He talked Ann into going ahead with the ceremony right then and there. He didn’t want to wait another minute to make Ann his bride if he didn’t have to.

Ann and Bobby followed the white-haired clerk into a private room. She started the ceremony. She began by reading a passage to Ann. Ann listened intently. The clerk said something about obeying Bobby, and Ann had to think about that for a moment.

So, she paused, and all went silent for a few uncomfortable seconds. She was supposed to be saying, “I do,” but she was making sure she wasn’t promising something that she couldn’t do. The clerk and Bobby quickly looked up at Ann when she didn’t immediately say, “I do.” Then Bobby hurriedly answered for Ann, saying, “She does.”

Bobby had spoken for Ann, and the elderly clerk accepted his answer as if it were completely normal for him to say those words.

She continued with the ceremony as if nothing had happened.

This amazed Ann. She ran the scene through her head later that day. She thought that the clerk had probably never experienced anyone answering for someone else before. She most likely didn’t know what to do. She was probably relieved that someone spoke up, even if it wasn’t the person who was supposed to be saying, “I do.”

Then the clerk read Bobby’s part to him, and he said, “I do,” right on cue. He kissed Ann, and they were married. It was that simple. Quite often, Ann teased Bobby saying they weren’t really 51

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married, since he had spoken for her when he said, “She does.”

He never really put her to the test with the part that required her to obey him anyway. They were a team in every regard. Neither was bossy nor too domineering. They talked things out and came to an agreement on what to do.

Bobby and Ann stayed in a nice hotel. The next morning, they woke up beside each other. Bobby looked over at Ann. He ran his fingers through her hair and pushed it back from her forehead. He kissed her softly. He thought she looked beautiful.

She looked so happy and full of life. He commented, “You sure look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed!” And Ann was, indeed, truly happy. She jumped up and down on the bed and squealed, “We really are married, Bobby! We really are married!”

They spent a couple of days on a small honeymoon in Washington, D.C. They enjoyed being spontaneous, and the days that followed their wedding naturally unfolded for them.

They saw beautiful flowers and magnificent buildings and ate lunch in a small Thai restaurant the first day and in an Indian restaurant the second day. The next morning, they planned to go back home. Ann and Bobby woke up in each other’s arms. They had slept holding each other the entire night. Ann repeated, but much more softly this time, “We’re married, Bobby. We’re really married.”

Bobby held her and said, “Yes, Ann, we’re married. And I love you more than you will ever know. I will always love you, Ann. I always have.”

“I love you, too, Bobby,” Ann whispered. And again, they kissed and held each other tightly.

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5 Ann’s parents loved Bobby. They seemed to admire him.

They were happy for their daughter. Ann found it intriguing that they openly showed their admiration for him since she so often struggled with their lack of affection for her. Her dad’s relationship with Bobby particularly surprised her. Maybe it’s because he is a man, she thought. Ann wondered if maybe her dad would have been happier if he would have had a son or two sons rather than two daughters. Maybe he didn’t know how to show affection for girls. Maybe her dad felt he had more in common with Bobby. Although, Ann thought, from the time she was very young, she hung around with her dad no matter what he was doing. If he worked on cars, Ann was by his side. If he was building something, she was also there watching him. This is almost like having a son, she thought.

When Ann was just a little older than a toddler, she liked to watch her dad work on cars. He would lie on the ground underneath a jacked-up car, and she would stand there beside him for hours. She handed him tools and asked him questions about what he was doing. Her dad would slide out from underneath the car in his grease-covered blue coveralls and look at her with squinted eyes and a crooked little smile. Then he teased her about getting dirty and having grease on her hands and arms... even little smudges on her face.

Ann also liked to watch him do things around the house. She remembered him digging post holes to put up a new fence. After 53

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she watched him for a while, she wanted to help. Her dad handed her the post-hole digger. It probably weighed ten or twelve pounds, and Ann could hardly lift it. She remembered the long, smooth wooden handles. It took all her strength to raise the tall, heavy tool, so when the metal blades hit the hard ground, they barely even shifted the dirt. Ann tried a few times, but she wasn’t strong enough to use the post-hole digger and help her dad.

Her dad could also lay cinderblocks well. He was making a retaining wall. Again, Ann wanted to help him. She could barely lift the heavy blocks, but she managed to help her dad a little by lifting one side of the block at a time and zigzagging them toward him. She was only able to move a few for him, though, because it quickly wore her out.

When she was a little older, Ann and her dad worked together to cut weeds. He taught her how to properly use a sickle. He used a scythe. Together, they got a great deal of work done, and it felt good to Ann. Of course, Ann wanted to try the scythe, but she wasn’t tall enough or strong enough. It was much too heavy for her. She could hardly lift it and certainly could not swing it enough to make it work properly, so she kept to the sickle and her dad kept to his scythe and they got all the weeds cleared from the bank below the fence that bordered one part of their yard.

Ann tried to build a cabin one year. She and a friend spent hours trying to convert a goat shed into a cabin that they hoped could be a little club just for girls. She borrowed Mr. Montgomery’s hammer and some other tools. She and Debbie pounded seven or eight rusty nails into the ends of the boards, trying to enclose one side. Debbie would hold up the board and Ann would pound nails. Then they would switch jobs. After the girls finished working, Ann carelessly left Mr. Montgomery’s tools on the ground. She failed to return them to her dad’s toolbox in the basement like she should have. She left them outside in the dirt and the rain, and they rusted. Surprisingly, Ann’s dad never fussed at her for this. Then, one Christmas, Mr. Montgomery 54

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surprised Ann. He gifted her with a set of hammers. They were her very own. He most likely bought them for her so she would quit borrowing his and leaving them outside; however, whatever the reason he had for buying them for Ann, it made her happy.

The hammers were packaged in a plastic sleeve with a snap at the top. The top folded over like the flap on an envelope. The hammers had black padded handles and were dotted with small holes. They were probably made of rubber, which helped her grip them better. Ann was so very pleased with this gift from her dad because it felt so personal to her. So, she immediately wanted to use them and show her dad how much she loved them.

The family was seated at the dining room table, and on it was a wooden bowl of assorted shelled nuts...pecans, walnuts, and Brazil nuts...that her mom put out every year at Christmas time.

Ann grabbed a walnut, placed it on the table, and wacked it with her new hammer. As it was happening, she slightly heard her dad in the background saying, “Whoa! Wait a minute!” Yet even though he seemed concerned, Ann was already in mid-swing and was too excited to stop. If she missed the nut, she would have damaged their dining room table...and that would have been disastrous; fortunately, though, Ann squarely hit the nut and broke it open. She didn’t make a single mark or indentation on their table. Her dad was impressed and quite relieved with her precision. He quickly complimented her on doing such a great job. This was, indeed, a very special moment for Ann. Mr. and Mrs. Montgomery invited Bobby and Ann to stay with them for a little while until they decided where they would live and until they got themselves organized and ready to set up housekeeping. This also surprised Ann, but they were thankful for the invitation and agreed to stay.

Within a week or so, Bobby started working in the coal mines where his father worked. Ann got a job as a secretary in a law firm in town. By the end of July, they had found a nice piece of property not too far from where Bobby worked. With the money 55

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Bobby’s family gifted them after their wedding and their own savings after two months of working, Bobby and Ann were able to purchase the property. Very soon thereafter, Ann’s dad helped Bobby draw plans, and they worked together and built Ann and Bobby’s new home.

Ann loved going to the property and seeing the house progress. As the frame was erected, and they got it under roof, Ann and Bobby enjoyed walking through the structure, identifying where each room would be, and dreaming of what it would look like when it was finished.

On Saturdays and Sundays, Ann and her mom brought tasty ham and mustard sandwiches to the men. The men were hot, tired, and hungry, but mainly thirsty. They were thankful to see Ann bring Mason jars full of cold, refreshing water to ease their thirst. The ice tinkled and the condensation rose on the outside of the clear glass jars as she carried them across the wooden plank over the dirt yard that led to the front entrance to the house.

Within minutes, the men had each gobbled two sandwiches and chugged a quart of water. Ann loved watching Bobby eat after he had been working hard. And she loved bringing him foods he enjoyed. It thrilled him to see her come. He appreciated her and she appreciated him, too.

Bobby worked without a shirt on, and his body was tanned dark by the summer sun. Sweat rolled off his back and face.

When he came in for the night, his muscles were sore. He took a hot bath, put on a clean white t-shirt and shorts, and lay face down on their bed. The fan cooled him, and Ann massaged his sore muscles. Nothing was more attractive to her than muscles that were developed from hard work. She admired that Bobby was a hard worker. He and Mr. Montgomery worked every day in the mines, then worked on the house until dark. Later, after the house was wired and electricity running through it, they sometimes worked until midnight, and then both woke up by 56

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five or five fifteen a.m., at the latest, to get ready to go back to work in the mines.

The admiration of hard work was something ingrained in Ann. It was a part of her culture. Her heritage. Her very being.

Ann worked hard at everything she did...no matter how small.

She always wanted to do her best. Ann’s parents raised her to be this way, and they were the same way. And so were her grandparents. And Bobby’s work ethic was strong, too. And his father was also a hardworking, dedicated miner, and so was his father, and his father.

After the sheetrock was up and the drywall mud placed in the right spots, Ann and her mom picked out the paint. They both worked late with the men and rolled and brushed the walls until they were smooth and beautiful with light pastel colors.

Bobby and Mr. Montgomery added the trim. Ann and her mom chose carpeting for the house. They chose shag carpeting for the bedrooms and a more sculptured-looking carpeting for the living room. They chose pretty, blue, pink, and gold-speckled linoleum for the bathroom and the kitchen. Ann was so excited to have a shower in the bathroom. At her parents’ house, they only had a bathtub. She had to kneel beside the tub and place her head under the faucet to wash her hair. It wasn’t comfortable.

And although she enjoyed long, hot baths, she thought that a shower would be a luxury. She looked forward to it.

After the house was finished, Ann and Bobby quickly went about furnishing it. Mrs. Montgomery let them take Ann’s bedroom suit when they moved out. They put a new refrigerator and stove in their kitchen. They got white appliances. Ann loved how clean they looked. She chose white eyelet curtains with white satin ribbon and small bows for the window over the sink.

She loved dishes and had been collecting a set of china for a while. The local bank gave a complete place setting to her every time she added fifty dollars to her savings account. She had six place settings of beautiful white china with white lacy flowers 57

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embellishing each piece. She also had several of the serving pieces, including the gravy boat, which was her favorite. For everyday dishes, she had a set of white Corelle ones with a border of tiny green flowers around the edges.

Ann went to Marty’s Furniture Store in Beckley and bought a brown couch and chair and a coffee table. They had a big sale, and she signed up for a “six months same as cash” deal. She watched every penny and ended up paying it off in just a month or two.

They didn’t want to start off their marriage owing a bunch of bills. Ann’s parents warned them of the dangers of buying on credit. Her parents never used credit. Everything Ann’s parents and Bobby’s parents bought as well was purchased on a cash basis only. They had been wise and very fortunate not to have to use credit.

Unlike Bobby and Ann’s parents, however, many of the miners they knew depended on credit. After unions were formed and miners struck to influence negotiations, miners who were in debt suffered greatly. This was the miners’ greatest bargaining tool, though, and once they began a strike, they usually stuck with it until they could reach a compromise that benefitted them. She had heard many stories of people losing everything they had when miners struck for months at a time. It is quite sad, but Ann’s parents learned some good lessons from the poor decision-making of others. They passed on this sound advice to Bobby and Ann. Bobby and Ann listened well to their parents and tried to do things right.

Ann’s parents grew up in coal camps. During that time, wealthy mine owners provided housing for their workers. This was a way to entice poor working men, including Blacks and immigrants straight off the ships, to come work for them. This housing often came at a steep cost to the miners. The homes were rarely well constructed and were all pretty much the same.

Before the miners received any type of compensation, their rent was deducted from their wages. If the miner had been sick or 58

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hurt and unable to work, the entire family could be booted from the home. Sadly, young boys often had to quit school to work in their father’s place if their father was unable to work. If not, the family would be left homeless.

Most of the coal camps had a church and a school. Some even had a movie theatre. Families socialized and the kids usually played together until dark. Some people enjoyed life in the coal camps. But, in addition to the rental issues that came with company houses, there were other ways the company controlled the lives of those that lived in the camps. The men were usually issued script or some type of coupons instead of regular money.

Script was the mining company’s currency used to purchase items at the company store. Most everything was more expensive at the company store. This system of controlling the finances of the miners forced the men to keep working there. Many workers stayed indebted to the mine owners. Ann’s father told her of men who stood in line to collect their wages only to be turned away saying that they had taken too many advances or draws from their earnings. Ann often thought of this when she heard the song about a man owing his soul to the company store.

Ann’s grandfather built them a dining table of wormy chestnut for their new home. It meant so much to both Bobby and Ann to have something Ann’s grandpa had created with his own hands. And this gift was for Ann and Bobby as a couple. He made Ann’s cedar chest just for her, and she planned to place it at the foot of their bed. Ann’s grandpa was a remarkable man, and both Ann and Bobby thought the world of him. He was known throughout the area as a man of strong character. He had many friends and was admired by everyone who knew or met him.

Then Bobby and Ann found a beautiful Hoosier cabinet that they repurposed to be a china cabinet. It was made of oak and paired perfectly with their new table. It had a roll top and beautiful stained glass in the doors at the top. Their home was now complete.

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Ann and Bobby’s first holiday in their new home was Thanksgiving. They wanted everyone to come to their house for the family Thanksgiving meal. Both families were invited, and Ann and Bobby were going to prepare the entire meal themselves.

Ann was so excited, but she was also nervous. She wanted to make everything from scratch, but she was terrified that she wouldn’t be able to make things the way she wanted to—that she would mess up the dishes and the dinner would be a failure.

So, when she and Bobby shopped for groceries for their dinner, Ann insisted that they buy two of everything. They bought all the ingredients for homemade stuffing, but also bought boxed stuffing, just in case her stuffing failed. They bought fresh sweet potatoes, but also bought canned sweet potatoes just in case the candied sweet potatoes didn’t turn out. Ann was going to make homemade gravy, but she bought a jar of premade gravy, too.

She had made German Chocolate cake several times, so she felt secure that it would turn out fine. She also made pumpkin pies and a couple of cheesecake pies covered in cherries. She had made mashed potatoes for years, so she felt secure about making them as well.

The turkey turned out perfectly and so did everything else.

There was no need for the substitute items. The meal was a success. Bobby helped Ann prepare the entire meal. They were an awesome team. He also helped her with dishes. After everyone went home, they were exhausted. They lay down on the bed and held each other. They were so proud of their first holiday meal. It was a huge success.

Ann and Bobby were building a nice life together. Ann wanted to be a teacher, though, and her parents wanted her to go to college. Neither of them went to college nor even thought about it. Ann’s father quit school in eighth grade. Her mom graduated high school after taking a correspondence course.

Bobby wanted Ann to go to school to be a teacher, too. If Ann graduated from college, she would be the first one in her family 60

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to accomplish that. So, after Bobby and Ann had been working a few years, and they were more established in their home, Ann started making plans for college.

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6 Ann and Bobby finished dinner and watched television for a while. They were both tired. Ann put on her most comfortable cotton nightgown, the one completely covered with small pink flowers. Bobby took off his underwear and stepped into his striped cotton pajamas. They lay beside each other and kissed, starting with a few little pecks, then simply pressing their lips together for several seconds and gazing into each other’s eyes.

It was as if they had found a passage to the deepest, most secret, most vulnerable parts of each other’s hearts, souls, and minds.

Ann nibbled Bobby’s lower lip ever so slightly then gently sucked it. They kissed a little longer and held each other closely. Ann felt tension escape her body and aches disappear when Bobby gently caressed her shoulders. When she felt the warmth of his strong hand as he touched the small of her back, the feeling was almost magical. She knew she was his...his love, his wife, his baby. Her deep breaths released the pain that had settled in her muscles from the busy, stressful, yet very happy and successful day.

They spooned. They fell asleep each night with less than an inch of space between them. If either decided to turn onto his or her other side, they both turned. They were in perfect sync... like a symphony. They remained intertwined through the night.

They fit together like puzzle pieces...the ones that fit more than one way...the entire night, every single night.

Both Ann and Bobby were sleeping soundly. Then, without warning, Ann’s body began trembling with fear. The pain of 62

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anxiety quickly overwhelmed her as she awakened suddenly in the deep of the night. She had been frightened by a horrible dream. In it, she saw Bobby gasping for air. Her muscles twitched and tightened and were filled with a sharp sensation that traveled like lightning through her body. She wept. Bobby tried to comfort her. He turned to face her. He held her tightly and reassured her with his deep, calming voice, “I’m here beside you, Ann. It’s okay.

I’ve got you, sweetheart. It’s just a dream. Everything is fine.” And with his strong, loving arms, he rocked her like a baby.

“Just breathe, Ann. Take slow, deep breaths. Cleansing breaths...in through your nose...out your mouth...slowly... slowly...Now again. In through your nose...out your mouth...”

Ann followed Bobby’s instructions. His deep, sweet voice and his presence reassured her. She felt the air move through the center of her body and slowly fill her lungs to capacity. She pursed her lips to let the healing air exit her body...gently and slowly. With each breath, Ann felt calmer. She felt tension leaving her body, replaced by feelings of calm and peace. She took one last deep, cleansing breath. It triggered a welcome yawn. This led her to fall into quiet, restful sleep, her head lying peacefully upon Bobby’s chest. Bobby listened as her breathing leveled out, then eventually quickened just a little. When she began to snore, he knew she was in her deepest sleep. He loved to hear her snore ever so gently like a cat purring. He knew that this meant she was sleeping soundly.

Morning came early in the Winters’ home. Up by 5:00 a.m., Ann hustled to prepare breakfast and pack lunches. She hardly had to think as she neatly arranged each strip of bacon in the heavy iron skillet she kept on the stove. Bobby liked his bacon crispy but not crunchy and preferred it lying flat on the plate.

Curly bacon reminded him of what seemed like half-cooked bacon his mom used to prepare when he was a boy. Just the thought of it made him nauseous.

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As the pan heated to the proper temperature, the grease sputtered and the bacon started to brown. Ann began packing Bobby’s lunch but kept a close eye on the pan, gently touching each piece of bacon with a fork to move it ever so slightly. She was careful to turn the strips often to make sure Bobby’s breakfast was perfect.

Bobby’s lunch menu never varied. Each day he had a bologna sandwich on soft, white bread with a little dab of mustard, a pineapple pie, a honey bun, a stick of pepperoni, and plenty of hot, black coffee in his thermos. All was packed neatly in what Bobby affectionately called his “lunch bucket,” made of some type of dull-looking silver-colored metal. It had two compartments and a leather strap for a handle. The top compartment had a wire that held his thermos. The bottom compartment held everything else. Sometimes, Ann left sweet notes for Bobby in his lunch bucket. Today, she wrote, “I already miss you. Can hardly wait till you get home. Love, Ann.” Ann placed the bacon on a cream-colored plate and began frying two eggs just the way her husband loved them--over easy.

He didn’t like any of the white left uncooked, but he liked the yolks to be runny when he cut them with his fork. She patiently spooned a little hot bacon grease over the yolk, cooking the eggs just enough to turn them without breaking the delicate yellow mounds. She had been preparing Bobby’s eggs the same way for a while now, but each time she flipped them, she held her breath in fear and nervous anticipation that the small, round yolks might break and their liquid escape into the hot pan. This morning, the eggs turned out just right, though, and Ann was pleased.

The pressure Ann felt was all her own. She was a perfectionist.

Bobby was never demanding. He adored her and was thankful for all she did for him. Ann loved Bobby immensely. He was her idea of what “a manly man” should be. Watching him cut limbs with a chainsaw, shovel dirt, even tighten a bolt with a screwdriver, or 64

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drive a nail excited her. She never saw anything around the house or yard or the car that he couldn’t do.

Bobby was masculine, but he also had a tender side. His sensitivity was what Ann loved most. He listened to her. He kept his eyes fixed on her when she spoke, taking in every word she said. He observed if there was a change of expression, if her eyes brightened, or her eyebrows changed positions. The movement and positioning of her lips spoke volumes. He noted the evenness, the quickness, and the depth of her breathing. What Ann said mattered to him. He understood her. He respected her.

He admired her intelligence and her drive to excel. He supported her in all that she did. He was so very proud of his wife. She was, indeed, the love of his life.

Ann held dear the memory of Bobby and her father clearing the land for their home and together building a beautiful house that she and Bobby paid for in just a few years. Sadly, Mr. Montgomery had passed away the previous year, but this made the house even more special to Ann. She remembered telling her dad how proud of him she was. “After you are gone, Daddy, there will be memories of you for years to come. The house that you and John built with your own hands will stand for years and will be a tribute to you. It will be an example of the excellent work that you did and of your love for Bobby and me.”

Mr. Montgomery had smiled meekly at these words. He didn’t think building a house was such a big deal. Ann did, though. To her, it was the best gift her father could have ever given her. In Ann’s mind, this gift was her validation that her dad loved her. He didn’t often show Ann affection or love, but their home was quite symbolic of his love and a reminder of the many hours of hard work he willingly gave so that Ann and Bobby would comfortably live in and enjoy their own home that they would not have to scrimp and save to make payments on for decades. Ann had questioned her father’s love for her and her 65

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sister for many years, but she knew that building her a home was his ultimate gift of love for her.

Bobby sat down to breakfast. He and Ann took a few minutes to talk while he finished his second cup of coffee. He had a certain way he liked his coffee in the mornings. He added powdered chocolate, sugar, and a drop or two of peppermint.

He quickly stirred it, his spoon tinkling as it hit the sides of his favorite pottery mug—the brown and gold one Ann picked out for him at the Pumpkin Festival the first time they went. Ann buttered the toast and carefully spread a little raspberry jam on each piece, making sure it was the right consistency and covered the top completely without dripping over the edges. While Ann was up and eager to start her day, Bobby needed one or two cups of coffee to get himself in motion. Once in motion, though, he was good for the day.

In the mornings, Bobby and Ann listened to the news on the radio and talked about state and national politics, sports, union activity, their church, and their dreams. Ann’s dream of being a teacher was becoming a reality. She now attended classes at Concord College, known best for producing excellent teachers in southern West Virginia and in Southwestern Virginia. She loved learning, and she loved children. Teaching, then, seemed to be the perfect career choice for her.

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7 Ann was starting the fall semester of her sophomore year. This would be her first opportunity to work directly with students.

When the first day of her sophomore teaching experience finally arrived, a fascinating thing happened that made Ann realize instantly that she was meant to be a teacher. She felt as if something magical happened as she crossed the threshold of the school. It was almost as if fairy dust were being sprinkled on her as she entered the huge doors into Baker Elementary School. She felt her body tingle, and the sights and scents triggered memories of her own elementary school days. At once, she recognized the scent of crayons, chalk dust, pencil shavings and burning coal.

The building was much like her own elementary school had been—old, worn-out hardwood floors with decades of dust and dirt waxed over, chalkboards, a trophy case, and classrooms filled to the brim with student desks and a huge oak desk and wooden chair placed at the front for the teacher. Her senses were filled and she was happy that she would finally be teaching her own group of first graders to read.

About mid-morning, Ann began coughing. This continued throughout the day. She tried to ignore it. She tried to pretend it would go away. Deep down inside, though, she knew her cough would only worsen, and she would struggle to exhale the air from her lungs. Ann suffered with asthma. She realized that her head would soon ache from a lack of oxygen. All her muscles would also begin aching because of her low oxygen saturation.

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She would become weak. She knew all too well that Bobby would be frightened when he saw her gasping for air. This worried her most. Then, just as she predicted, by evening, the scenario began unfolding.

Bobby lay beside Ann on their bed looking anxiously at her.

He saw her struggle to breathe. And he hated to see her this way.

It frightened him. Ann was afraid, too. It was scary to her to feel like she couldn’t get enough oxygen to her lungs. She feared she would suffocate...just stop breathing. Her chest and cough were tight, and her heart pounded quickly as she fought for air. Ann’s face was flushed, and she could take only a few steps at a time without struggling to breathe. She used the inhaler she had been prescribed, but it didn’t help at all. She began to cry, but even crying was difficult because of her inability to breathe. Bobby couldn’t bear this. He insisted that they leave immediately for the emergency room. Ann hesitated. She dreaded going to the hospital. It seemed to her that nothing good ever happened for her there.

Bobby pleaded with Ann to go. He was afraid. He was terrified that she might die in the night. Ann agreed to go, not because she really wanted to but mainly to put Bobby’s mind at ease.

On the trip to the emergency room, Ann sorrowfully recalled seeing her father pass away in the very same hospital where she was going to be treated that night. She saw her father--with wavy, coal black hair, a muscular build, dark complexion and dark brown eyes, much too young to be dying--take his last breath of air about a year ago. Ann was out of town visiting with Bobby’s Aunt Thelma. Her older sister, Cindy, phoned her, saying, “If you want to see Daddy while he is still alive, you had better come right now.” Ann left that moment and traveled two hours, speeding all the way. She ran quickly through the front entrance to the hospital and caught the elevator at just the right moment.

She rushed down the hall. As she hurriedly entered her father’s room and stood beside his bed, she lovingly touched his hand.

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At that moment, he gasped for air and Ann heard a sound she would never forget...a kind of rattling sound from deep inside him. Within seconds, two nurses unlocked his bed and wheeled him briskly from the room. Ann managed to see her father less than a minute before he died. Deep inside her, she wanted to believe that he had held onto life until his baby girl arrived to say goodbye. Bill had contracted pneumonia and the fact that he suffered with black lung disease only complicated things.

A long time ago, Ann’s dad kind of confessed to her that he didn’t use his respirator like he was supposed to while working more than 25 years in the mines. He said that hardly any of the men wore them. They felt the respirators were bothersome. They pressed hard against their faces and were uncomfortable. When the miners tried to talk, the sound was muffled. Most either dipped snuff or chewed tobacco and often needed to spit. So, even if the men tried to wear a respirator, they regularly lifted it from their face. The miners worked hard and the filters in the respirators made their heavy breathing more difficult. Sadly, there were miners already suffering with black lung, and for them, breathing with a respirator was even more difficult. Given a choice, most men decided not to use them.

Most of Bill’s underground mining experience had been spent running a “buggy” in thirty-six-inch coal. The cacophony produced by various machines operating at the face of the mines had also damaged Ann’s father’s hearing. She remembered their television being so loud that it hurt her ears. It embarrassed her terribly when an occasional friend came to visit, and she would hear the roar from the television while Bill sat there, seemingly unaffected, his eyes glued to the set. Ann’s dad also refused to talk on the phone because he said he couldn’t hear the person on the other end. The phone sometimes rang what seemed like forever to Ann. Her dad usually sat at the dining room table which was across from the kitchen phone. No matter how many times the phone rang, he never looked up from his newspaper or magazine 69

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or whatever he was reading at the time. He smoked one cigarette after another and ignored the incessant ringing.

Ann watched her father struggle to breathe for years. It saddened her tremendously to think that the place her father went “day in and day out,” as he often said, was the place that most likely caused his suffering and contributed considerably to his death. That, of course, and his heavy smoking. However, this awful place, his workplace, she realized, was what allowed her to have all that she needed and most of what she wanted growing up. She never felt deprived.

When she was growing up, she didn’t think about the conditions under which her dad worked. As she grew older, though, she began asking her dad questions. “How do you eat lunch in such low coal, Daddy?” He explained that the men lay on their sides and ate lunch. It was almost unfathomable to her that he had to lie on the hard, rocky floor of the mines even while eating. Ann then began to wonder how he could relieve himself while he was deep underground. She didn’t ask him about it because she was embarrassed, but she imagined that they had to do that lying down as well. She felt her stomach turn and her heart ache to think that her father worked in these conditions.

When Ann saw her dad, he was showered and clean and there were no traces of coal dust except on the lunch bucket that she scrubbed clean for him each evening. There was no evidence of the eight to twelve hours of Hell that he had endured.

Ann wept. Yes, she was afraid, and her asthma made her feel horribly, but she cried now because her thoughts had turned to her sweet love, Bobby, working in the mines. She wasn’t oblivious to his working conditions like she had been to her dad’s when she was a child. This was her husband. And the thoughts of him so very far beneath the earth’s surface and the potential for an accident or some type of disaster to occur not only frightened her but haunted her.

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Bobby didn’t complain once to Ann about his job. It is what both his father and Ann’s father, their maternal and paternal grandfathers, and both sets of great-grandfathers had done. Ann pictured Bobby in the same position as her father—his lungs blackened with coal dust. How could she live without Bobby if something were to happen to him? The angst she felt wishing that Bobby would leave the job that she believed would destroy him was almost too much for her to think about tonight, so she tucked it away for the time being.

After staying nearly all night at the hospital, Ann was finally stable enough to return home. Her soft white cotton sheets felt cool and fresh to her as she climbed into her bed totally exhausted.

She lay her head against her cool pillows. Ann touched the dainty purple flowers her mom had embroidered on them. She then gently ran her fingers over the delicately crocheted white lace that trimmed each pillow. The soft texture and beauty of her mom’s handiwork helped her relax.

Bobby stood over Ann while she rested. He gently placed his hand on her forehead and smoothed back her chocolate-colored hair. Bobby’s touch immediately comforted her. She felt the heat transfer from his hand to her body, and deep within her, his energy made her feel better as it traveled throughout her body. A love like this, Ann knew, was hard to find.

Bobby didn’t sleep that night. Instead, he lovingly watched over Ann and enjoyed the quiet of their bedroom. The only sounds were of Ann’s rhythmic breathing, a little wheezing and her soft snoring that he found so cute. When the time came, he skipped breakfast except the coffee, packed his lunch bucket, and kissed Ann ever so lightly so as not to wake her. Bobby knew that the worst was over, and Ann’s breathing would continue to improve. He was thankful that they had made the trip to the hospital and that Ann had gotten the treatment she needed to breathe.

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Bobby never missed work. And although the men in his family had been union men for generations, Bobby’s father eventually took a job as a section foreman and then as a mine foreman. He had now progressed to the Superintendent at the mines where both he and Bobby worked. Bobby was an active union member. He believed strongly in protecting the rights of workers and in creating a safe work environment. Sometimes that made things uncomfortable for Bobby with his coworkers.

It was a little tough being the Superintendent’s son. The men enjoyed teasing him. Last week, Bobby’s lamp went out and the men relentlessly badgered him, saying that this meant Ann was sleeping with another man. “A dead light don’t lie, son!” one of the older guys said in a serious, convincing tone trying to assure Bobby that this saying had merit or truth to it. Of course, Bobby knew that this was preposterous, but he couldn’t stand hearing the men say anything negative about Ann. He realized that the teasing would end if he played along with them, but he couldn’t manage to do that. He became like a puppet to the men when he showed how much they bothered him. The more he tried to defend her, the harder they teased him.

When he was an inexperienced “Red Hat,” he was an even bigger target. Once, he was working on a belt and one of the men put a pile of poop on it and sent it out to him. And one time a bunch of men covered his butt with black grease. That was kind of a rite of passage. Because Bobby was a more sensitive type of man, he hated the foolishness of the older miners and found it hard to tolerate. But he managed.

Being the Superintendent’s son had other disadvantages.

The worst thing for Bobby was that he didn’t like the owner of the mines, Mr. James. He had a reputation for failing to pay his debts. It would be hilarious if it weren’t true, but all the men rushed to get to the bank every payday, worried that the money in Mr. James’s account might run out before they cashed their paychecks. It had happened before. Men had gone to the bank 72

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with their paychecks only to be turned away, being told that the payroll account didn’t have ample funds to allow them to cash their checks. And Bobby had heard the Chief Electrician complain many times that he couldn’t get the tools he and his men needed because Mr. James had a bad reputation for not paying his bills.

Bobby did not like working for this kind of man. He hated even more that his father was Mr. James’s representative. Bobby never missed an opportunity to speak for the miners, though, and to let his dad know their needs. And still he kept his immense dislike for Mr. James to himself. He didn’t even discuss it with Ann.

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8 Ann was soon back at school, loving every minute of it.

She vowed that she never wanted to look back on her college education and say, “I wish I would have...” And Ann made every moment count. She contributed to class discussions, studied day and night for tests, and worked on school projects until they met her strict and perfectionistic standards. Nearly every grade she received was an “A.” Time passed quickly for Ann, and before long, her final semester arrived. She began student teaching.

Ann’s first assignment was to teach in a fifth-grade classroom at a local school. She and her teacher got along fabulously, and the students loved her. Ann made learning fun for her students, and she, too, had lots of fun in the process. She once had a career day at school. The students were to dress the way they would for their future job and give a report about the steps they would have to take to make their career choice happen for them. Students came up one by one to give their well-planned reports, and each dressed the part as well. Ann then called on a young girl sitting in the last row who was dressed really fancy. She had a boa and high heels and a beautiful dress. She even wore makeup. Ann asked her what she wanted to do when she grew up, and Gina answered, “I want to find a rich man to marry me and give me everything I want!” That was it! That was her plan! She wanted a sugar daddy! Ann gave Gina an “A.” She admired her boldness, even though one of her goals was to inspire her female students to realize that they could be independent by going to college and 74

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pursuing a career. She felt like she had to reward the young girl’s creativity and humor, though.

Next, Ann was assigned to work with Mrs. Whittaker, a petite woman, probably close to fifty years old, with blond hair pulled tightly into a French twist. The tightly pulled hair was reflective of the rigidness and inflexibility of Mrs. Whittaker. Being openminded was not a part of her repertoire. Mrs. Whittaker was quite different than the young Black woman who supervised Ann’s first student teaching experience. Ann’s new teacher had little flexibility, little to no sense of humor, and no fun was ever had in her classroom. She taught social studies to middle schoolers.

On Ann’s first day, she observed Mrs. Whittaker writing voraciously on the black chalkboard. Hardly an empty space could be found on the long blackboard at the front of the classroom, and the writing was microscopic. After hearing the class discussion, she realized that Mrs. Whittaker had copied on the board the entire test that she was planning to give the next day to her students. This was her way of preparing the students for their test. Ann was shocked when she learned the following day, though, that most of the students failed the test anyway. Wheels started to turn in Ann’s mind. She knew the subject matter was not too difficult for the students to learn. She wanted to find a way to inspire the middle schoolers. She thought that they must be bored with school and were apathetic about their test scores.

Ann went into Beckley and talked to business owners. She asked them to give her free gifts so that she could reward the students who would soon be in her charge. She got free movie passes, gift certificates, and all sorts of fun prizes. She could hardly wait to explain to her students how they could earn prizes.

Ann formed close relationships with her students. They responded to the rewards and began studying. On Ann’s first test, more than half of the students received A’s. Mrs. Whittaker was not pleased with this, though. Somehow, she saw the students doing better as a negative thing, not a positive thing. She 75

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thought that Ann was making things too easy for the students.

She didn’t like Ann being close to her students at all. She felt that teachers should set themselves apart from their students.

Ann was disappointed that her supervising teacher did not see her strategies as positive ones. Ann knew deep inside, though, that forming relationships with students and letting students know that she cared about their success was the right thing to do. When the reins were given back to Mrs. Whittaker, Ann began observing again for the last few days of her assignment.

It saddened her when one of the students she had admired most asked Mrs. Whittaker, “Do you even like kids?”

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9 Ann woke up early Monday morning to start her regular routine. She and Bobby finished breakfast and she began making their bed. She smoothed the sheets and tugged at the corners until they were perfect. She did the same with the soft white blanket and then finally her beautiful quilt. She fluffed their pillows and put them neatly in place for the final touch. This morning, though, she noticed that she felt a little ill. She thought it was odd and tried to ignore the nausea she felt. She tried to go about her business as usual but suddenly had to run to the bathroom. She threw up everything she had eaten that morning.

She felt just fine afterward, though, so she thought very little of it. The next day, however, she felt ill again. She made it through her morning routine, but then, after driving only a mile or two, she had to pull off to the side of the road. She barely got her door open before she violently threw up her breakfast again. Oh, my goodness, she thought. Surely, I’m not pregnant! She pulled her calendar from her purse and started calculating the days since her last menstrual cycle. Two weeks late. I must be pregnant, she thought.

Ann was flooded with all sorts of feelings and emotions. She was happy. She was afraid. She was excited. She was worried. She truly had no idea what to do. So, she decided to visit her mom to tell her about this latest development. Violet was excited but remained calm. She felt honored and loved it when Ann came to her for advice. She instructed Ann to make an appointment 77

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with her doctor. Ann did as her mom advised. Dr. Merit had an opening early the next week.

Ann had an immense dislike for going to doctors. Most everyone she knew was the same way, though. But this type of doctor was the worst. She waited anxiously to be called. The seat was hard and uncomfortable. Then the nurse stepped to the opening to the examination rooms with her chart in hand and called Ann’s name. Ann obediently stepped forward, gave the nurse wearing the perfectly clean and pressed white uniform, white hose, white shoes, and white cap, starched and folded, a nervous smile, and then proceeded to follow her.

Ann was told to undress, and the nurse pulled the curtain and left the room. This was embarrassing for Ann, but she complied and piled her clothes in a neat little heap making sure her bra and panties were hidden from view.

She lay on the ugly, blue cushioned examination table. The nurse re-entered the room, instructed Ann to place her feet in the stirrups, and then draped her legs with a clean, but stiff feeling white sheet. Now Ann was even more embarrassed.

Dr. Merit entered the room. He was business like as he examined her. It took him only seconds to reach a conclusion.

He had been doing this for years. He told Ann that she could sit up and offered her a hand. He then explained that she was about six weeks pregnant. It was as simple as that. Ann was pregnant.

She and Bobby would be parents in just a little more than seven months!

Ann wanted so badly to share the news with her mom, but she wanted Bobby to be the first to know. So, she waited that evening until after dinner...after the dishes were washed and put away and after they watched television. Then, when they were in bed, Ann shared her news with Bobby. He was elated and totally surprised. He had not expected this news. But he kissed Ann with what seemed to her like a hundred tiny pecks. His eyes beamed with excitement as he looked directly into hers. “This 78

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is wonderful, Ann. This is good news. I’m going to be a father.

You’re going to be a mother. Oh, my goodness, Ann. We are going to be parents. I love you, Ann.” Then he held her tightly and gently caressed her back.

This wasn’t what they had planned, but he couldn’t have been happier. And this made Ann happy. While nervous about what was to come, they were both excited about the idea of having their first child. Ann felt more confident now that Bobby knew.

They could do this. And they would do it together. Then Ann turned over, and Bobby continued to kiss her gently on her neck and back.

“I love you, Bobby,” Ann whispered. “You are going to be a great dad.” And, within seconds, she was sleeping peacefully.

Knowing she was already asleep, Bobby still answered her.

“And I love you, Ann Winters. You will be a good mom. I have no doubts about this.”

Ann knew nothing about having a baby or being a mom. She had never even changed a diaper before. She had no younger siblings, and even though she had babysat some, none of the children were less than three or four years old. She kept telling her mom that she didn’t know anything about being a mom.

Ann’s mom would simply reply, “It will all come to you, Ann. It is natural. You love kids. You will do fine.”

Ann went to her regular appointments with her doctor, but she still never felt like she knew anything about having a baby or being a mom. She continued to have morning sickness every single day of her pregnancy. Truth be known, Ann was sick most of the time. Morning, noon, and night, Ann threw up from something she ate or smelled or when the temperature was too hot or if she rode too long in the car. Nearly anything could make Ann sick. Her mom suggested she eat crackers before rising from the bed. This did very little to ease her morning sickness, though.

Ann craved fresh fruits, but even fruit eventually made her ill. She joked about the fact that she once ate apples and then a 79

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few minutes later she vomited, and it looked like apple sauce.

Bobby thought it was kind of gross, though. He wasn’t amused.

Ann prided herself in the fact that she learned to vomit without making a sound. She didn’t want others to hear her, so she trained herself to throw up without any retching or any sounds of distress.

As the pregnancy progressed, Ann’s lower back ached. Bobby rubbed her back for her and helped her turn over in the bed.

She felt exhausted. It brought her great joy, though, to ready the nursery for their new baby. She decided upon a light green color scheme for the baby’s room. It was about the color of celery. She and Bobby bought a beautiful dark wooden bed and matching dresser. More than anything, Ann wanted a bentwood rocker for the baby’s room, and Bobby, of course, bought one for her. Ann’s mom made a pretty quilt, and Ann bought a sweet lamp with a happy clown and balloons. Ann’s friends threw a baby shower for her at the church, and Bobby and Ann’s baby had everything she or he could possibly need for at least the first six to nine months.

It wouldn’t be much longer now. Ann felt much more confident about being a mom now that her baby’s room was ready.

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10 In local union meetings, men were talking more and more about the need for legislation to protect the health and safety of miners. There was talk about this across the state and in the nation as well. Bobby was vocal in support of the men at the meetings and relayed information to his father about what he hoped would happen soon to protect the miners. Bobby’s father listened but did not have much to say in response, just an occasional nod or raised eyebrow. Bobby knew his dad was in a difficult position.

He knew that he cared about the miners, though, no matter what his job title was. He knew that his dad was a union man at heart.

Around three o’clock one afternoon, Ann was putting up groceries. She had bought a few items on her way home from school. It startled her when the entire house suddenly began shaking. Windows rattled and dishes fell to the floor. For miles and miles others felt vibrations while at home or at work in their places of business. Those living close to the mines began running there. They knew something was wrong and feared the worst. Ann’s heart pounded strongly in her chest. She could feel it throughout her entire body. She was terrified.

Mrs. Meador yelled, “Oh my God! What has happened?”

“Is everyone okay?” someone else shouted from a distance.

“Please, God! Don’t let anybody be trapped in there,” Mrs. Maxey begged as she neared the mines.

There was mass confusion as people ran towards the mines frightened beyond belief. Huge red and blue flames shot out of 81

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the mines. The heat from the fire made it nearly impossible to get close.

Just as Ann reached the mines, she saw one group of men coming out. Her heart stopped! “Please let it be Bobby!” she whispered to herself. But as families gathered and hugged and held each other strongly, she realized that Bobby was not among them. Tears of joy and relief flowed down the faces of the families fortunate enough to be united with their loved ones. But each was respectful of those still waiting to see their men come out... husbands, sons, fathers, brothers, uncles...people they had grown up with and had known their entire lives. They remained full of worry and hope as others softly wailed, filled with fear as they anxiously waited for some sign of life. Everyone was hoping and praying that another group of men would soon reach the surface.

Firemen fought to contain the enormous fire with little success. No one had come up in the last hour. Mr. James had phoned and directed his superintendent to have the ventilation system closed off so that the fire would die from lack of oxygen.

Mr. Winters couldn’t do it, though. He wouldn’t do it. His son, Bobby, was still inside. And others, too. He couldn’t do that to the people in this community. He refused.

Word spread through the camp and the nearby town that this was the plan. Men, women, and children fell to their knees and prayed for help from their merciful God. Ann ran to her fatherin-law and begged him to wait just a few moments more. Then suddenly, Mr. James’s truck sped over the dirt road and stopped near Bobby’s father. All eyes watched as Mr. James jumped from his truck and began running toward his superintendent.

He violently shook his finger at Bobby’s father, his superintendent. “I told you to shut it down!” he yelled to Bobby’s father! “Now!” Bobby’s father again refused to give the order. Mr. James then angrily and frantically rushed to the team of men trying 82

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to contain the fire and told them what he expected of them. He ordered them to shut it down.

In moments, the ventilation system was off. The fire quickly died. No air could now reach the men trapped inside. Any chance of survival, any hope of men coming to the surface to reunite with their anxiously awaiting families, and any hope of the men making it out of the mines alive had vanished with Mr. James’s order.

Then, in just a short while, teams of men somberly went inside the mines to bring out the bodies of the miners left behind. Bobby’s father was among them. Within the hour, one of the team members respectfully approached Bobby’s father.

He spoke softly and placed his hand on Mr. Winters’ shoulder.

Mr. Winters looked deeply into the eyes of the messenger and shook his head. As he followed this man to retrieve his son, he thought about the little boy that he taught to hunt and fish, the little boy that was so happy to see his hunting dog return home after having been lost for months, the little boy that he took to drink pop and read comic books at the bus station, the little boy that had grown into such a good, kind man, the man who was a much better husband than he, himself, had been. The man who always thought of others first. The man who loved his wife with every ounce of his being. The man who was soon to be a father.

The man who would make him a grandfather.

He dropped to the hard floor of the mines and cried when he saw his son’s lifeless body. He carefully removed Bobby’s hard hat and placed it beside him. He smoothed back his boy’s hair and gently grasped his face with both hands. He pulled Bobby’s limp body close to his and held it. He reached for Bobby’s hand.

Beside it lay a note that Bobby had scrawled on a small cardboard lid. He read the note. It said...

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To My Darling, Ann, Your love is more precious to me than the air that I breathe.

Forever yours, Bobby Bobby’s father wept uncontrollably. He gently released his hold on his son’s head after he carefully laid it to rest on the coal floor. He lovingly stroked his hair again, straightened his son’s body, and gingerly placed his hard hat by his side. He felt faint as he rose from his position, keeping his eyes fixed on his son.

It pained him immensely, but he took his son’s note to his sweet daughter-in-law, Ann. When she saw her father-in-law approach her, she immediately let out a whimper and began weeping. It was the saddest sound Bobby’s father had ever heard.

Ann’s weeping quickly grew stronger and her breathing shallower as he read the note Bobby had written to her. She balled her hands into fists and clenched them so tightly they shook. Her fingernails drew blood as they pressed into the soft skin of her hands. She raised her fists to her tightly clamped mouth and her clenched jaws and teeth. Her whole face was flushed with anger.

It was red and burned hot.

She wanted to be calm. She wanted to appear that she was composed, but she wasn’t. She covered her face and cried without holding back. The tears poured. She nearly choked. Her breathing was completely out of sync. She could not think. She pushed her lungs to take quick breaths between sobs. This left her dizzy. Her face felt hot. She tugged at her hair and twisted her blouse into knots. She wanted to scream. She was angry, afraid, hurt, and confused. It didn’t feel real to her. It couldn’t be real, she thought. “Please, God!” Ann begged, “Don’t let this be real.

Take it all away. Bring back my Bobby to me. Please, God. I beg you. Anything but this. Not Bobby! He is good, Lord. He is good to everyone. Not Bobby, God. Please, not Bobby. His love is more precious to me than life, Lord. Please don’t take him away from 84

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me. Please, God. I beg you. Not Bobby. I love him, God. Please, Lord, don’t let this be real.”

Unfortunately, though, it was real. Bobby and twenty-eight other men suffocated while waiting to be rescued from the mines.

That year, federal legislation was put into place to make working conditions safer for coal miners. This included providing federal inspectors to check the mines regularly. An investigation into the accident revealed that the chief electrician had disconnected an alarm that would warn the workers when gas was present. A perfect storm was created when the dust from the coal being mined and the gas that infiltrated with no warning to the miners mixed. Then, a spark from faulty wiring ignited the fire and caused the horrific explosion. It was one of the worst mining disasters ever.

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11 Hours turned to days, with no relief in sight for Ann. Her face burned. Stinging tears rushed down her cheeks as she fervently prayed for peace and understanding. She took hold of Bobby’s pillow and held it gingerly against her face. She slowly and gently sniffed the scent of his clean-smelling shaving lotion still lingering deep in Bobby’s pillowcase. And for just a moment, Ann felt some comfort and relief. She kissed his pillow with small, tender pecks. And while pressing her lips against the soft, cotton pillow felt good to her, her body, mind, and soul still ached sharply with loneliness, the likes of which she had never experienced.

Anne stepped carefully out of bed. She felt dizzy, exhausted, and weak; she walked unsteadily toward the door. Her steps were tiny and slow; her chest felt tight. Her breaths were short and quick, and she felt completely out of control as they became faster and faster and more and more shallow. No matter how hard Anne tried to slow her breathing, or to take deep breaths or to breathe through her nose the way Bobby had always coached her to do, she simply couldn’t do it. She fainted. Surprisingly and fortunately, though, she landed softly in one piece on the hardwood floor. Her limp body lay crumpled and still.

Anne awakened just a moment later. Her flurry of panic had subsided. She straightened her body and lay serenely on the floor, her breathing now steady. She was wearing the white flannel nightgown dotted with tiny red cardinals that Bobby had bought 86

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her last year. She fixed her eyes on the beautiful, lush maple tree with almost perfectly formed leaves shimmering with glints of sunlight outside her window. She tenderly traced the edges of her lips, brows, and chin with her fingertips. She gently massaged her tummy where her tiny baby was growing. It hurt Ann to think that Bobby’s child would never see his or her daddy’s smiling face nor his strong hands nor look into his sincere eyes. Then, the stillness of the room and Ann’s exhaustion lulled her into a dreamlike state.

Anne recalled many Sunday mornings when she and Bobby lay together holding each other, watching the gray sky begin to brighten with color as morning broke. It was then that Bobby was his most playful. He often pretended to be a baby animal.

Sometimes he stuck out his lips like he was pouting and pretended he was a duck. Her favorite, though, was when he made cute baby bear sounds and nuzzled against her breasts. Anne rubbed his head and pulled him close to her. They were happy. Anne lamented, thinking that there could never be another love like theirs.

“Who am I?” she thought, “Without him? Who am I?” Ann tried hard to invalidate her insecure thinking. Deep inside, she reasoned with herself that she was a strong woman. Then, again, she argued, “But we were a unit.” Her throat and head ached as she tried to hold back her tears. Then, like a mountain spring in summer, a rush of tears slid down her face again. She repeatedly whispered the words, “I love you, Bobby. I love you.”

Anne knew that Bobby would not want her to suffer. She knew also that he was so very proud of her strength as a woman. He loved her intelligence and her drive and ambition. He admired how much she loved her students and how hard she worked to be the best teacher she could be. He told her often what a good mom she was going to be, although Ann was afraid and tremendously insecure about it. And even though he tried to persuade her that being so darn perfect wasn’t necessary, he admired all the tiny 87

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details she never missed in cooking, cleaning, being a student, teaching, or in whatever she chose to do. Anne didn’t feel capable of being that strong woman today, though, and wouldn’t for a good, long while.

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12 Ann awakened to a tiny stream of light filtering through the blinds of her bedroom window. Daylight was beginning to peek through the perfectly formed leaves of the beautiful, full maple tree beside her house. It fell softly on her face. A tear laying just beneath her eye glistened. Her body felt heavy. It ached, and the pain sickened her. The smallest move was a burden. Breathing was no longer automatic and required conscious effort.

Ann cautiously lifted her hand and covered her eyes. Its weight comforted her, allowing her to breathe more easily. She gently glided her hand over her face and felt the softness of it. She felt every contour, every change in texture. She felt individual eyelashes and single follicles of hair that made up her thick brows.

She longed to be held or even touched by another human being.

She wept, not at all quietly. She was bawling, uncontrollably sobbing...wailing.

Ann pondered her loneliness. She thought what a vile and cruel creature it is. A despised thief, robbing her of any happiness, depleting every ounce of her energy and destroying any motivation that may be lying dormant deep within her. Over and over, she heard its cruel messages echo in her mind, “You don’t belong. You don’t fit in. There’s no place for you in this world.” How she wished she could destroy this wicked creature that mercilessly haunted her. But she felt weak, defenseless, and powerless against it. Its presence overwhelmed her. She cried aloud, “Please help me, God. I beg you.”

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Friends called Ann to check on her a lot at first. Then, over time, the calls came less and less frequently. Family members stopped by sometimes. She felt a small degree of happiness when others were around, but as soon as the door clicked and the car was out of sight, loneliness again consumed her. Nothing or no one could fill the huge void in her heart and in her life since Bobby had died and left her alone. Friends were willing to listen to Ann, but trying to express her feelings only frustrated her.

She could not possibly communicate to others the depth of her despair. She worried that friends would tire of seeing her sad, so she avoided them. She couldn’t pretend that she was happy or even okay with Bobby being gone. She wasn’t. The hurt remained and loneliness kept its grip on every ounce of her being.

Pictures. It was the pictures that caused the most sorrow for Ann. Yet she couldn’t force herself to stop looking at them. Pictures of Bobby and her with smiling faces. Pictures of picnics. Pictures of him working on their house. Pictures of holiday dinners with family and friends. Pictures of the decorated Christmas tree.

Pictures with silly faces. Bad pictures with closed eyes or red eyes or horrible expressions. Pictures in swimsuits, in sweaters, in coats, in pajamas. Pictures that showed the undeniable love they shared. Sometimes she wanted to destroy them because they made her miss Bobby more, but she knew better.

Nights were terrible for Ann. The worst. They presented a different kind of loneliness. There was no escape. Her bed was empty. She had no one to talk to. Her mind could not rest.

Every tiny thing reminded her of something good about Bobby.

Something she missed. Something she would never have again.

Something she longed for. She couldn’t reason with herself.

Her emotions ran the gamut...anger, sadness, hurt, despair, hopelessness. She searched for answers. But there were none. She prayed. Then she grew angry with God. Why would He do this to her? Was she being punished? Then she questioned if there was a God. Was she just saying words, making requests, begging for 90

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peace and relief to nothing? To something that didn’t exist? To something that wasn’t real?

Then there was the crying. Nonstop, tremendously sad crying. But no one heard her cry. No one offered to comfort her.

And even if comfort were offered, she knew it wouldn’t help.

Nothing would help. Nothing but Bobby coming back to her.

And, of course, he would never be back. No goodbye. No hug nor kiss. Nothing. Just gone. And she had to accept it. But she couldn’t. Not yet.

Crying tired her. Perhaps she would drift off to sleep now.

Escape for a little while. She clutched her pillow and held it next to her for a moment. Then she lay her head upon it and tried to breathe peacefully. In a short time, she drifted to sleep.

A new day arrived, and just like so many others before, Ann’s day started out being quiet and uneventful. She stepped out on her porch. At the edge of the woods was a beautiful deer. It stood there peacefully eating leaves and looking at her. It seemed to be listening to the soft tinkling of her wind chimes that hung on the porch. Ann spoke softly to it. She marveled at the fact that it wasn’t afraid of her. Ann felt at peace at this moment in time.

Then, a bit of good news came. Ann checked the mailbox and found a handwritten letter from one of her former college professors. Professor Short had taught a couple of education classes to Ann. Because class sizes were so small at Concord, Ann formed close relationships with most of her professors, but Professor Short was her favorite. She was positive and inspiring, and she believed in Ann. She felt that Ann had a freshness to her.

She saw Ann as intuitive, empathetic, and positive.

Professor Short had learned of a position in a tiny elementary school. She knew the principal and knew the community, and she felt that it would be a perfect fit for Ann. So, for the first time in many weeks, Ann managed a smile. She clutched the letter, held it close to her chest, and fell back in her bed. She spoke to Bobby as if he were there beside her. She shared the good news in 91

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the letter. She was excited about the possibility of teaching in her very own classroom. She whispered, “I love you. Wish me luck,” to Bobby and phoned the principal to let her know that she was interested in the position.

Ann felt a little better, even hopeful, after she finished talking to the principal. The principal was kind and glad to hear from her. She told Ann that she had heard great things about her from Professor Short. She invited Ann to interview for the teaching position.

Ann went to the bathroom and gazed in the mirror for the first time in a long while. Her face was thinner. It lacked color.

Her eyes were puffy. Her hair had grown out of its style. She was a mess. She probably hadn’t seen her reflection in a month or more. She couldn’t care less how she looked. She barely managed to keep her teeth brushed and showers were few and far between.

Most days, Ann didn’t bother to get out of her nightgown.

With a tiny glimmer of hope in her heart, Ann marked her calendar for her teaching interview the next week. She spoke to Bobby and to her baby. She gently caressed her belly. “I love you both,” she whispered.

The day of the interview finally arrived, and it went well. Ann was surprisingly in good form and full of confidence. She was selected for the teaching position. The principal called her the next day and told her that they would love to have her join the staff at Midway Elementary. She accepted the job and squealed with delight as she placed the receiver back on the phone.

She was excited to get started. The new job gave her fresh energy. She worked about twelve to fourteen hours a day, every day, preparing for school to start. She was exhausted, but it was a good kind of tired. She was working again toward the goals and dreams that had once been so important to her.

This new spark brought her much closer to her baby. She never stopped loving her child, but her loneliness and depression over the loss of her sweet Bobby for the last month or so now kept 92

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her from feeling the closeness she had felt that first moment she learned she was pregnant until the horrible mining explosion. It was as if she couldn’t allow herself to feel something good since Bobby was gone. This was unsettling for her and even frightened her. She felt ashamed. She kept it inside, and it haunted her. But now things were getting better. She was so very thankful that she allowed herself to feel love again.

Ann cleaned and organized her classroom. She planned lessons. Everything at school and at home was pristine and in order. Ann kept busy and felt happiness for the first time in a while.

The year began, and the children quickly fell in love with Ann. Their families adored her. Ann was close to them. The adoration of her by students and their families and the love that grew stronger each day for her soon-to-be-born baby kept her going. She was beginning to feel happiness again.

Ann was usually exhausted at the end of her day and fell asleep easily and quickly. Tonight was no exception. She awakened, though, earlier than usual. She woke up feeling anxious and tearful. She longed to be touched and held closely. She yearned to be cuddled and kissed and loved. She sobbed and cried. She prayed out loud, begging God to take away the loneliness and pain that burdened her heart and mind...the pain that seemed to dwell in every cell of her body.

Ann gently touched her face and smoothed her eyebrows.

She felt the curve of her nose and chin. She outlined her lips and kissed her fingertips. She kissed them again and again.

She opened her hand and caressed her entire face. Both hands passed through the top of her thick hair, then smoothed over her temples and through the hair above her tiny ears and on to the hair lying at the nape of her neck. She lightly moved her fingers over the length of her arm, gently massaged her shoulders, then intertwined her fingers and closed her hands together. She held them tightly and massaged each finger individually. She then 93

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pressed her thumb into her palm and rubbed it in a circular motion while kneading the front of her hand.

Ann felt the heaviness of her breasts. As she gently lifted each breast, she breathed easier. She took deep cleansing breaths and could feel the tension start to leave her body. Her soft pink nipples hardened as she gently squeezed and caressed them with such a tender touch she could hardly feel it. But it soothed her.

She then smoothed her hands over her large belly. She hadn’t gained much weight...partly because she was sick so often and partly because she worked so hard all the time. But her belly had just grown much larger in the past month and was lower than it had been. Her baby was due any day now.

Ann felt her bottom. It was full. She kneaded her muscles.

She touched the curve at the bottom of her butt where it met the tops of her legs. She then smoothed her hands over her thighs.

She reached the top and barely grazed her private area. At that very instant, though, she was rudely interrupted by the blare of her alarm. She reached over to reset it. “Just ten more minutes,” she whispered, thinking she had more than enough time to get ready and get to school on time.

But Ann was taken aback when, as she lay resting for those last few moments, a stream of fluid began to flow from her body.

She thought at first that she must be peeing but quickly realized that her water had broken. She wasn’t sure what to do. This wasn’t what she had expected. It was out of place. Out of order. Nothing else is happening, she thought to herself. She wasn’t having contractions or any type of discomfort or pain. She observed that the fluid had a greenish tint to it. This concerned her. She got up from the bed and calmly telephoned the hospital. Her good friend’s mom was a nurse in Labor and Delivery. She urged Ann to get to the hospital quickly.

Ann continued to remain calm. She felt no pain at all, so she wasn’t in a big hurry to get to the hospital. She phoned her mom to come get her, and Ann collected her pink flowered overnight 94

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bag and the baby’s white bag that she had prepared weeks ago.

Ann had chosen a yellow sleeper that was adorned with a tiny white bunny and a white blanket with satin bows and beautiful tiny blue and yellow flowers embroidered on the corner as the items she would dress her baby in to come home. Ann and her mom traveled at a normal speed to the hospital, talking excitedly the whole way.

When they reached the hospital, Ann and her mom walked into the reception area. The nurse got a wheelchair for her and took her into the maternity ward. Ann was still relaxed and feeling no pain at all. She was uncomfortable, though, when her good friend’s mother had to shave her pubic area. She realized very quickly, though, that soon embarrassment would not be a consideration...would not even enter her mind...as the birthing process took place.

Several hours passed and Ann had still not experienced even one painful contraction. The shift then changed as well as the nursing staff. Nurse Lester, who knew nearly every detail of Ann’s life and whose daughter had been her best friend for years, was no longer taking care of her. Then Nurse McCowan arrived and introduced herself to Ann. She was fresh and full of energy and ready to take charge. She asked, “Where is the father? When the baby comes, I’ll want to let him know if it is a boy or girl. Is he in the waiting room?”

At this moment, Ann fell apart. She had finally begun feeling contractions, and she knew her baby would soon be born. “Oh my God, Bobby! Our baby is almost here! I need you, Bobby! We were supposed to do this together. Please, God, help me!” Ann’s mother tried to hold back her tears, but it broke her heart for this to be happening to her little girl.

“I’m here with you Ann. I love you. We will get through this.

Be strong. Bobby is watching you, Ann, with all the love in the world in his heart. He is so proud of you. I am proud of you, too, and I love you. You are my baby, Ann, and you always will be.”

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Mrs. Montgomery prayed aloud, “Please, God, take care of my Ann. Help her through this. Give her strength.”

The words, you’re my baby echoed in Ann’s head. Then, like clips from home movies, childhood memories played in her mind ...baby biscuits her mom had made from the left-over dough and set aside just for Ann, the tommy toes her mom helped her plant at the edge of the yard, the many times she transported the cheerleaders to the night games, the time she encouraged Mrs. Bond to get new cheerleading uniforms for the girls, and the time she phoned Mrs. Brown to chastise her for being rude to Ann. She quickly glanced at her mom and saw her face filled with worry and genuine concern. Ann smiled at her mom. I am her baby, Ann thought. “Thank you for being here with me, Mom. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Baby Girl,” Mrs. Montgomery softly said.

Ann lay quietly and basked in the warmth of this moment. It, however, was soon interrupted. She, for reasons that were once very clear but now seemed hazy, had opted not to have any pain medication while her baby was being born. Now her contractions had started coming faster and were stronger and closer together.

She could hardly tell when one ended and the next one started.

She wasn’t supposed to push yet, though. Nurse McCowan felt sorry for Ann because she was now in such pain, so she allowed her to push. She said to Ann, “Put your feet on my shoulders and push!” Ann did, and it helped her feel better.

Then, in an instant, Ann was quickly wheeled into the delivery room. It was freezing cold in the room. It was sterile and bare and ugly. Big lights were hanging from the ceiling and were focused and shining hot and brightly on Ann. It bothered Ann to think that her baby would be in this cold, ugly, uninviting environment as soon as it entered the world, but the thought quickly left her mind as the time for the baby to be born was closer and closer.

Ann did not know how to breathe properly. The nurse directed her, “Hold your breath and push as hard as you can!”

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Ann did this. She wanted to do everything perfectly, so she held her breath a long, long time and pushed as hard as she could. The nurse then directed, “Okay, hold your breath and push again!”

Ann was still pushing from the last time. So, she quickly took a breath and began holding her breath and pushing again. After two or three times, Ann felt faint. “I’m passing out!” she told the doctor and nurses. And she was about to pass out. She had hyperventilated trying to follow directions and do everything flawlessly. The doctor answered reassuringly, “No, you’re not, Ann. You’re just having a baby.”

The nurse told Ann that she was almost done. The baby was coming. Then, as her baby was being born, the tone of the nurses and doctors suddenly changed. There was a sense of urgency.

One of the nurses warned, “The cord is wrapped around the baby’s neck, Dr. Merit!”

“What is happening?” Ann asked frantically.

No one answered. One of the nurses grabbed Ann’s hand and squeezed it tightly. Ann caught a glimpse of her baby. She was purple. She didn’t cry. She wasn’t moving. The nurses and Dr. Merit quickly removed the cord, but it was too late. Ann’s baby had suffocated. She died before Dr. Merit could save her.

“Just breathe!” Ann cried. “Please! Just breathe!” she begged.

The nurses immediately wrapped Ann’s baby girl in a soft pink hospital blanket. Ann begged to hold her. The nurse laid the baby on Ann’s tummy. Then Ann took her baby into her arms.

“I am so sorry, Bobby. Our little girl is gone. She never had a chance. I love you, Bobby. I love her, too. Please, God, Why? Why did this happen? Please tell me why this happened to my baby girl. Please tell me, God.”

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13 Five years had passed since Ann lost Bobby and close to that since she lost her baby girl. The journey of recovering from the loss of her husband and child was extremely difficult. She was lonely. She had been alone for quite some time now.

Ann did have a few good times along the way, though. Her life wasn’t entirely unhappy. Working with children brought much reward to her, and her students loved her. This time in her life was a period of growth for Ann, and she worked to improve herself, to try to learn to be happy again and to learn to love herself.

Ann and her mom grew closer than they had ever been. They shared the bond that comes from loss. Ann had lost her husband, her soul mate, the love of her life. And she had lost their child.

She never even got a chance to get to know her child, to talk to her, to watch her grow. She had hoped that Bobby would live on through their child, but this was not to be. And Ann had also lost her father. Admittedly, she didn’t mourn her father much. This sometimes made her feel guilty, and, at times, she wondered if she had even loved her dad. Ann searched her heart and soul for a long time and decided that she did love him, but it wasn’t the powerful kind of love she would have liked to have had for him.

It was, however, some form of love, even if she couldn’t label it or describe it. She finally realized that she was simply going to have to be content with just knowing that she loved him in some way. She knew that she admired all that he could do and was 98

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thankful for the house he and Bobby built her. This was enough, she thought.

Ann also wondered if her dad loved her or her sister.

Admittedly, he showed more love for Ann than he did Cindy, but Ann worked hard to get every ounce of love from her parents that she could...trying to be perfect all the time. She thought, as Bobby had, that if she were good enough, she could earn their love. Cindy was more rebellious. She and Ann were completely opposite in how they viewed life. Ann was grateful that her dad helped Bobby build a home for her, though. She felt that the many hours of hard work and talent that he put into this was perhaps the greatest sign that he loved her. Maybe, she thought, he had a hard time expressing love. His constant fussing when she was growing up kept her from developing much closeness to him, but occasionally, in his own odd sort of way, he showed Ann that he loved her.

Ann remembered one time when she felt a little loved by her dad. It was a strange way to show love, Ann thought, but she assumed that at least her dad was looking out for her or trying to teach her something about life in his own odd way. She wasn’t really sure what his intentions actually were.

As a child, Ann sometimes allowed others to pick on her.

She didn’t defend herself because she was afraid the perpetrator would get mad at her. A situation came up where someone had mistreated Ann in some way, and her dad scolded her. He warned that the next time something like this happened, if she didn’t take up for herself, he was going to spank her. This was something Ann feared because her dad’s spankings were harsh.

Mr. Montgomery spanked Ann and Cindy with his belt. He didn’t call it a spanking; he called it a “whipping.” And that is pretty much what it was. This was how his father punished him.

His father, though, didn’t spank the girls in the household, only Bill. Bill was the only boy in his family. Bill had no problem with spanking his daughters though. “I’ll cut the blood out of you” was 99

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the cruel and horrendous way he threatened his daughters. And once he did that very thing to Ann. He spanked Ann with a belt until her legs bled. Ann, who tried to be a good daughter, who tried to behave, to be honest, and to work hard was spanked with a belt for some misdeed that couldn’t have possibly warranted a punishment like this.

To threaten Ann with a “whipping” for not taking up for herself when someone mistreated her seemed a bit out of place and most likely not something that most parents would threaten, but Ann’s father did, and oddly enough, it worked. Katie, one of Ann’s childhood friends, had a bad temper. Ann had a bit of a temper, too, at this age. The two would be getting along fine, and then some silly disagreement would spark a huge argument that sometimes turned physical. This time, though, after Ann’s warning from her dad, Ann answered Katie’s punches with one of her own, and they soon found themselves wrestling on the ground. Katie grabbed hold of Ann’s hair and pulled out several clumps of it. Ann resorted to pinching. Ann latched on to Katie’s eyelid and pinched it with all her might. Luckily, Katie’s big brother came out and broke up the fight. He lifted Katie onto his shoulder and carried her inside. She was kicking and screaming and pounding on his back the whole way.

The next day, while Ann was getting ready for school, she stood in the bathroom and brushed her hair. It was painful to even gently run the brush through her hair. She felt sore knots in several places on her scalp. Handfuls of hair came loose as she brushed it. After she left the house, though, Ann walked straight down the road to Katie’s house. It was her normal routine to stop

by Katie’s to pick her up so they could walk together to school.

She knocked on her door and Katie answered. When Katie answered the door, she smiled at Ann. Her left eye was swollen and bright pink. She could barely open her eye. It looked like it must have been painful. Ann felt terrible. She immediately apologized to Katie, and Katie reciprocated with her own 100

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apology. Then, without another word about what happened the day before, Katie and Ann walked hand in hand to school. They never fought again.

Ann was a hugger as a teacher. She interacted closely with her students—all of her students—the healthy, clean ones and students with dirty fingernails and hands, colds, fevers, sore throats, runny noses, and coughs. With Ann’s asthma, she was prone to getting sick. And for Ann, being sick was usually complicated. It was never just a simple cold that would pass with time. So, when she started coughing so violently that her ribs, back, and head ached, keeping her awake the entire night, she knew she would have to miss school and see her doctor. It seemed that she could never fight off sickness on her own. At least once a year, she got very ill with respiratory infections and sometimes pneumonia. Apparently, this would be one of those times.

Ann was most vulnerable when she was sick. She didn’t see herself as a baby, but when she got ill, she felt alone, afraid, and insecure. Just having Bobby there to check on her, to show his concern for her, to drive her to the doctor, or to lie beside her was always such a comfort when she suffered with asthma years ago. Now, she had to do it all alone. She had to drive herself to the doctor, pick up her medications, and get her own glasses of water. She had to prepare her own food when she could barely walk across the room without gasping for air. Any task, big or small, was hers to do, or it wouldn’t get done. But lying there alone with no one to touch her or comfort her in any way...to talk to her...to tell her that she was loved...to show her that her feeling better mattered...was one of the most difficult things Ann had to learn to accept. There really wasn’t anyone there for her anymore.

Ann cried. With her fever and already hot face, the tears stung her as they ran down her cheeks. “Oh, Bobby! I love you. Why aren’t you with me? I need you. I just want you to hold me.”

The possibility of dying seemed to enter Ann’s mind each time she felt this way. She recalled that Bobby’s great-grandmother 101

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had died from asthma many years ago. She had been a young woman, probably in her late thirties. Of course, Bobby’s greatgrandmother didn’t have access to the medications that were now available for Ann. Bobby told Ann that his grandmother had told him about her mother using a substance called asthmadora when she had difficulty breathing. It was a powder made up of stramonium, or Jimsom weed, and belladonna. She took the powder from a green tin and placed it in a little dish and burned it. The smoke’s odor was very potent. She explained that it was like nothing she had ever smelled before and added that she could never forget the scent of the horrible, burning powder. It smelled ashy and sweet. She remembered her mom sitting in her bedroom with the windows closed trying to inhale the smoke to ease her suffering. Bobby’s grandmother said that she was frightened when her mom couldn’t breathe. She would stand outside her mom’s bedroom door anxiously praying that her mom would soon breathe easier and get better. She believed that the medicine helped her mom, but it wasn’t enough to rid her of this terrible disease that eventually took her young life.

Ann often thought how horrendous her death must have been. She wondered how his great-grandmother felt when she kept trying to breathe and was unable to do so. She imagined that she must have been totally exhausted from all her efforts.

That her ribs and back must have ached. That her head must have pounded. That her fear was overwhelming. That she must have felt desperate. She hoped that Bobby’s great-grandmother peacefully fainted or became unconscious...kind of like falling asleep...and that dying finally put an end to her suffering.

Then Ann’s thoughts returned to herself again. She thought that maybe if she died, it would be a relief for her. She could rest. She wouldn’t have to be lonely anymore. But the fear of actually being done with life somehow still frightened her. It was the unknown that frightened her. Her upbringing in the church had taught her that life would go on...in a better place...

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where there would be no suffering or sorrow. But Ann struggled with this concept sometimes. Yet her training and belief had been so powerful that she was afraid to even think this way. To dare question it. What if she questioned Heaven and Hell and then went to Hell for not believing? Whenever something bad happened, she always prayed. So, Ann thought, I must believe then. Whenever I am at my worst, or whenever I am most frightened, or whenever I have lost all hope, I pray.

As the day went on, Ann’s exhaustion from her sickness, worry, sadness, and crying made her sleepy. And sleep always helped her heal. Ann was thankful for the rest.

Eventually, this sickness would pass. As she healed, she felt renewed and worked harder and harder to be the best teacher she could be and to keep her home clean and beautiful. These things brought her a sense of accomplishment, purpose, and bits and pieces of happiness.

When Ann shopped for groceries, she observed other people. She saw lots of couples...some that seemed to be in love with each other, some that seemed almost indifferent toward each other, and some whose faces looked unhappy...maybe even miserable. The old couples really got to her though. Bobby and I were supposed to get old together, Ann thought. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

Ann searched her heart, soul, and mind for weeks. While her career and her students and their families gave her great happiness and great personal satisfaction, she wanted more. She wanted a best friend, a companion, a partner, a lover...someone to whom she could shamelessly gossip about others and not be judged; someone to whom she could talk about a great lesson she had taught or a difference in a child that she had made that day and not worry about that person being jealous or thinking she was bragging, even be happy for her; someone who would sing her praises for making a great dinner or tell her that she was beautiful even when she knew she looked frightful; someone to 103

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dream, plan, and make budgets with; someone to clip coupons and shop for groceries with; someone who knew what she wanted even before she did; someone she could please and make happy and adore; someone who knew everything about her and still loved her just the same. Someone with whom she could be totally honest and who would be honest and comfortable enough to tell her things even if it wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

Ann wanted someone she could please, someone she could spoil, someone she could bake goodies for and who would lick the mixer beaters and run a finger through the chocolate cake batter and who would scrape every last ounce from the bowl and maybe even get a little around his mouth so that she could wipe it off with kisses. She wanted to find shirts, tools, some silly little gadget or special food at the store that would make his day when she brought it home; someone who liked westerns and comedies and Opie and Andy and who would occasionally watch a romance story with her; someone to wash the car with, rake and bag leaves with, and take long rides with. Someone who would hold her when she woke up afraid in the middle of the night. Someone who could admit when he was afraid. Someone who saw her as a strong woman but also saw the little girl inside her. Someone who was a man in every sense of the word but also had child-like qualities. Someone who was not afraid to be silly. Someone who could make her laugh. Someone who would get her jokes and think she was funny. Someone who wouldn’t judge her if she had an extra helping at dinner. Someone whose face brightened when he saw her walk into the room. Someone who would miss her and who wanted to be with her as much as he could.

Ann missed being kissed, being held, being loved. She missed the passion, the romance, being in love. She wanted someone who would make jokes about what the two of them would do when they were old as dirt. Someone who wouldn’t mind her 104

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wrinkles, her rolls, her snoring. Someone who loved her, cared for her, and respected her just as she would him.

Ann prayed for guidance; she prayed for relief from her loneliness; she prayed to find peace and happiness. Then, what began as an ordinary day ended with a significant event. Ann met Jeff, and her life would never be the same. They met in the lobby of a new wing of a local hospital. She had been attending a professional development class on health education. Ann and her coworkers were having a short break before the next session started. Jeff was having coffee and waiting for his shift to begin. As soon as Ann sat down, Jeff struck up a conversation. He wanted her to settle an argument he and a friend were having about the original artist of a song that they had heard on the radio. “It was definitely Dolly Parton,” Ann answered with confidence. “I told you so,” Jeff boasted to Tom. The conversation took off, and from that moment on, Jeff and Ann were friends.

Jeff was divorced and had three sons. Ann loved children and immediately became close to Jeff ’s boys. They were drawn to Ann’s loving nature, her patience, and her maternal instinct.

Their mother had been good to them and loved them for several years, so it was surprising, hurtful, and finally devastating when she chose to start a new life and a new family and leave her sons behind. The implications of this decision would be life altering for her sons and impact them negatively for years in their relationships with others.

Jeff was a single parent. He worked long, hard hours. It was rare for a man to raise his children alone, but Jeff was a responsible father. One evening, he invited Ann over to join his little family for dinner. He was preparing a home-cooked meal.

He created a rather simple meal of baked chicken and mashed potatoes. He didn’t own a mixer, so he smashed the potatoes, salted them, and added butter. Ann loved the dinner! This was most likely because it was made especially for her, was made to please her, and seemed to be made with love. After that, Jeff and 105

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Ann started talking and seeing each other every day. Sometimes, they went on dates alone, and sometimes, Jeff, Ann, and the boys spent the day together.

The first thing Ann did was help Jeff clean and organize his house. She spent hours helping his children organize their books into shelves and organize their toys into bins. She made their beds and rearranged their bedroom so that it was roomier and more comfortable. She added little touches such as their artwork and flowers and displayed their stuffed animals so that their rooms had more personality and looked like kids’ rooms.

Matthew especially loved working with Ann on his room. He missed his mom. And he was very quickly drawn to Ann. Ann, Jeff, and the boys did family activities together and Ann was the center of their world. They needed her, and she needed to be loved, so it worked out well for everyone. The courtship was short, and within six months, Ann and Jeff married.

Jeff was a drinker. Ann never drank. She was able to tolerate Jeff ’s drinking, though. He drank beer and was happy when he did it. Some folks affectionately described Jeff as a “happy drunk.” Sometimes, Ann secretly wished he didn’t drink so much alcohol, but for the most part, she accepted it.

Jeff was also an avid fisherman. He would often fish all day with friends and sometimes spend the night on a riverbank and fish late at night. When he was with his buddies, Jeff drank heavily. He and his best friend, Dan, loved roughing it. They slept on the riverbank, covered only with a tarp, and kept warm with a campfire. Once, they couldn’t find enough wood for the fire, so they burned an old tire. They were covered with soot when they got home. Ann didn’t have to see him when he drank this way, though, so she laughed over it and went on.

Jeff was always good to Ann. He was romantic and thoughtful.

He truly wanted to please her. They joked and laughed a lot. Jeff often played music for Ann, took her in his arms, and danced with her. She felt clumsy and couldn’t really follow Jeff ’s lead, but 106

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he never cared. He twirled her around and held her as she lay back and lifted one leg like dancers they had seen on television.

Whenever they went on trips, the whole family sang along with the radio. Jeff and Ann had a medley of silly songs they sang together. One of their favorites was the theme from “Green Acres.” Jeff sang Oliver’s part and Ann sang Lisa’s part. “King of the Road” was a part of their medley of favorites too, and even though Ann detested cigarettes because her dad smoked so heavily, when they got to the part “I ain’t got no cigarettes,” Ann sang it loudly and with expression. Ann played games with the boys for hours. She usually quizzed them on all sorts of subjects, or they looked for certain makes of cars or searched for license plates from other states.

Ann loved family vacations. She and Jeff would get in the deep end of the pool and Jeff would hold her in his arms like a baby. He would twirl her around through the cool water, making her feel like a princess. She loved touching the water lightly as Jeff spun her around. Life seemed to be going pretty well for their little family.

Ann taught school and kept their house immaculately clean.

Jeff complimented her saying that he loved to come home from a fishing trip with Dan and smell how clean the house was. As a part of her perfectionism, she tried to be the best teacher, wife, and mother that she could be. But this eventually started to take a toll on her. Ann was used to living alone. Keeping up her home was relatively easy. She only had to deal with the messes she created. Now, she was cooking and cleaning for a family of five.

She was amazed when she had to peel five pounds of potatoes for mashed potatoes to feed all their hungry boys. She had a readymade family and had no realization what all of this entailed; but she went at it with everything she had.

Jeff ’s parents compounded the stress in Ann’s life. Ann promised Jeff from the start that she would always be good to his parents. She did this because his first wife wasn’t very fond of 107

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them, and there was friction between them. Ann soon began to understand, though, why Jeff ’s former wife felt like she did and reacted to his parents in the way that she did.

His parents were odd. Especially Jeff ’s mom. Lana was distrustful and suspicious of everyone and everything. She was probably paranoid. She questioned nearly everything when it came to her grandchildren. It might have been considered loving and protective to some, but it was strange and beyond reasonable for most normal people. It was likely due to some undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. If the pediatrician directed Ann to do something that Lana disagreed with, she questioned if he was a real doctor. She thought that the daycare workers mistreated the children. This was not the case, but she never let things go.

She had issues with every babysitter Jeff and Ann employed. All schoolteachers were mean by Lana’s standards. She insisted that everything be “equal” for the children. If one sibling got a new coat, they all had to have one, even if last year’s jacket was in perfect condition and fit fine for two children and even if it was a financial burden to buy three coats instead of one.

Ann found it nearly impossible to please Jeff ’s mom. She intimated that Jeff and Ann were mean to the children because they insisted their teeth be brushed before bed, that they use courteous words like “please” and “thank you” and that soda and sweets be limited. She thought it was cruel for Jeff and Ann to ask the kids to play outside because she thought they would get too hot. Nothing Jeff nor Ann did was enough in Lana’s eyes. They always fell short when it came to parenting.

Ann’s personality was such that she kept trying to please Jeff ’s parents. She always wanted to do the best job she could at everything she did. She wanted to be accepted by them. But as a mother, at least in Lana’s eyes, Ann would never be good enough.

Lana told Ann once, “You will never be their real mother.” This haunted Ann. 108

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Lana’s actions made Ann question herself constantly. She realized that she wasn’t a perfect mother. Ann often asked herself, Who can be a perfect mother? She lost her patience with the boys sometimes. They wore her out. She didn’t like cleaning pee off the toilet seat. She didn’t like the toilet seat being left up all the time.

She didn’t like it that after she taught all day, she came home to more kids to take care of. But she loved them, and she loved Jeff.

So, she tried to be the best mother and wife that she could.

The start of the school year was a great time for Ann. She loved to purchase school supplies for Jeff ’s sons. She wanted them to be prepared for school and to have everything they needed. When school started, though, Ann was overwhelmed with paperwork to complete, homework to get done, and all that went into helping the boys be successful in school. She and Jeff had to leave for work before the boys went to school, so the children were left to finish dressing and make it to the bus stop on time. Ann couldn’t keep organized enough to get everything prepared, so sometimes the boys didn’t dress like they should.

Ann was humiliated when one of Jeff ’s sons went to school in shorts and didn’t wear a jacket on a very cool day. It wasn’t quite winter, but it was close. The teacher wrote a note home. Ann was furious. She threw a fit. She knew that it wasn’t the boys’ fault, though. She was embarrassed and felt like she had let everyone down. She just couldn’t get everything done that she needed to do.

Lana’s constant questioning of their parenting skills bothered Ann. She felt inadequate. She lost confidence. She wanted peace and cooperation in the family, but she was also a strong woman, or at least she had been. She didn’t want to let Lana rule their lives with ideas that were unreasonable and without basis in fact or truth. So, in her heart, soul, and mind, there was constant struggle. Ann was sensitive and tried so hard to do everything just right, but nothing she did was ever enough for Jeff ’s mom.

This caused Ann great stress. It was almost unbearable for her.

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Jeff ’s father caused Ann great angst as well. Once he visited their home and brought fish he had purchased at a local restaurant. It seemed like it would be a happy family time. Lana did not accompany him. She rarely did. She most likely suffered with agoraphobia. This was strange for Ann, but she came to accept it because it was the way it had always been. After dinner, everyone was sitting in the living room watching television. Ann was folding laundry. She got up and went into the bedroom to put away some of the clothes. Mr. Givens followed her. She was caught completely off guard when he got uncomfortably close and tried to force her to kiss him. She fought him off and rushed back into the living room pretending that nothing had happened.

His actions sickened her. She felt cheap. She felt sorry for Lana that he would disrespect her this way. Ann kept this incident to herself for a long time. It troubled her, though. Then she shared her secret with Jeff one evening at dinner. He didn’t seem surprised by his father’s actions. He said very little about it. And he didn’t address it with his father. She felt sorry for Jeff.

How, she wondered, does it feel for your own father to try to kiss your wife? He disrespected her and he also disrespected Jeff and his mom. Ann never forgave Jeff ’s dad for what he had done.

A long time passed, and Jeff ’s father had not bothered Ann anymore. Then, one summer afternoon, everyone was milling about in the yard, and Jeff ’s father approached her. When no one else was around, he made a comment that her butt was getting large. She ignored him and walked away. Ann felt insulted and disrespected again, but she said nothing about it to Jeff this time.

She tried to be a peacekeeper, but anger and resentment boiled inside her.

Ann knew that Jeff ’s father loved homemade pecan pies.

She wanted to make one for him for Thanksgiving because he had mentioned it several times. She was nervous about it because she had never made one before. Jeff ’s former wife had made pecan pies for his dad in the past. Ann was tremendously 110

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insecure about baking for others if it wasn’t something she had experience with, but she wanted to do this for Jeff ’s dad. She tried to rationalize with herself that if she worked hard enough at it, or if she were good enough...meaning that if she rolled with the flow, never spoke up, kept her opinions to herself...Jeff ’s parents would eventually like her. Accept her. Make her feel like she was a part of the family.

Ann began making the pie. The directions were simple, but she still read them over and over. She checked and doublechecked each time she added an ingredient, because it was important to her that the pie turned out perfectly for Jeff ’s father.

The oven had preheated to the correct temperature. She set the timer. When the timer buzzed, Ann pulled out the pie. It was runny. So, she thought that she needed to bake it a few minutes more. In just five minutes, Ann pulled the pie out of the oven again. She was sorely disappointed. Immediately she realized that she had over baked it. How could it have been runny just a few minutes ago and now be too done? Ann wondered. She tried to convince herself that it would be okay, but, unfortunately, the longer it sat, the worse it looked. It wasn’t burnt, but it was dark brown in color and looked dry. Ann wasn’t sure what to do.

She didn’t have time to bake another pie, so she went ahead and brought that one to Jeff ’s dad for their Thanksgiving meal. She had told him she would bake one for him. He was expecting it.

She didn’t want him to think that she just didn’t make it for him.

After Mr. Givens tasted Ann’s pie, he made no comment.

Ann knew it wasn’t that great, but she was shocked by what Jeff ’s dad said for all to hear at the dinner table a few moments later.

Jeff ’s first wife had been unfaithful to him on several occasions.

This was common knowledge in the family. He alluded to this in his response to Ann’s gift of a homemade pecan pie. Jeff ’s father proceeded to cruelly announce at Thanksgiving dinner, “I know Celia wasn’t such a good wife to Jeff, but one thing I can say about her is that she sure could make a great pecan pie.” Ann was hurt 111

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and embarrassed. She was humiliated. No one said a word. She never forgot this rude comment nor forgave Jeff ’s dad for being so cruel to her. Time after time he hurt her. Both he and Lana hurt her. They resented her for being a strong woman. This was the only explanation that Ann could conjure in her mind. She had never done anything to them that she knew of except marry their son and take care of their grandchildren. Perhaps there was something that she wasn’t aware of, but she couldn’t figure it out to save her soul.

Jeff ’s father humiliated Ann again the following spring. She and Jeff were getting ready to leave to go home after a short visit. The kids had said their good-byes and had hugged their grandparents tightly. They hopped in the car. Then, as Ann was saying good-bye to Jeff ’s father, he leaned in toward her. He was uncomfortably close, just as he had been in her bedroom the first time he tried to force her to kiss him. She hoped he was just going to kiss her on the cheek. Then, he took hold of Ann’s face and tried to force her to turn her face toward him so that he could kiss her lips. Lana was five feet away from them. Ann struggled and quickly powered her way out of the situation, trying not to cause a scene. She kept him from kissing her lips, but she was frightened that Lana had seen what had taken place.

She didn’t see how Lana could have missed it. She felt sick. She feared that Lana would somehow find a way to blame her. Ann cried as they traveled home. She didn’t want the boys to know what had happened, so she told them that she felt poorly and that she needed to get out of the car for a moment.

Ann was ready to explode. Jeff pulled over the car as she had asked. Ann hopped out of the car and ran down the mountainside into the woods. She couldn’t breathe. She had to have a moment to herself. Jeff and the boys waited in the car for her not knowing what was going on with her. In Ann’s haste to quickly get alone for a moment, she brushed up against a briar bush. A briar or two caught her on the inside of her lower arm. It was a tender 112

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spot. Blood poured down her arm and dripped onto her jeans.

It left a permanent scar on her arm...a reminder of this terrible event.

The cool, clean mountain air felt good to Ann, though. She was grateful for a moment alone. She felt like screaming at the top of her lungs but chose to breathe deeply and try to relax instead.

After a few minutes, Ann returned to the car. No one said a word.

The ride home was quiet. There were no games or singing this time. She wondered what Jeff and the boys talked about while she was in the woods, but she never asked, and no one ever said a word about that day.

Ann told Jeff what had happened when they got home.

Again, he said very little, and again, he chose to ignore it. Ann didn’t really blame him for his inaction. She wanted to avoid any type of conflict, and she figured Jeff felt the same way and wanted to avoid conflict if he could. After all, it was his family. It was his father. She also thought that he probably didn’t know how to handle it. Yet even though she saw this side of the situation, it still hurt her that Jeff said nothing to his father. She wanted him to take up for her. She wanted him to be her protector. Her hero.

She wanted him to tell his dad that it wasn’t okay to disrespect her like this. To disrespect him like this. And, to disrespect Lana like this. She realized that she could have said something, but she was afraid to do it. She wanted to keep the peace, even if it caused her distress, even if it caused her unhappiness.

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14 Jeff and Ann and their little family found themselves in what would be their most difficult challenge just a couple of years after they married. Jeff ’s oldest son, Matthew, was very fond of Ann and close to her. He adored her and clung to her night and day. He never seemed to get enough love. When Ann hugged him, he never let go first. He hugged Ann tightly until it became uncomfortable for her. Her shoulders would ache, and she would finally have to break away from him. She tried to hang on for as long as she could, hoping he would let go first. But he never did.

Matthew did everything he could to please Ann. They read together. He did well in school. Ann kept in close contact with his teachers. He was a good boy. When the family went to restaurants, Matthew would never order his food until Ann did.

He waited until she ordered, and then he ordered the very same thing that Ann was having. He drew her pictures. He wrote her sweet notes. They were very close.

Then, one morning, Matthew came to Ann and showed her a large lump on his clavicle that seemed to have appeared overnight.

She had no idea what this lump could be, but it concerned her.

She felt it. It was hard when she pressed on it, but Matthew said that it didn’t hurt him. She ran numerous possibilities through her mind, but nothing made sense to her. Was it from the time he ran into a post while learning to ride his bike? Had he broken it wrestling with the other boys? Matthew also complained of 114

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congestion, coughing, and a sore throat. He felt miserable. So, Ann took him to see the doctor.

At the doctor’s office, Ann first explained Matthew’s coldlike symptoms since this was Matthew’s greatest complaint. Then she pointed out Matthew’s lump. The doctor didn’t hide that he was very concerned. He was a former surgeon. He knew that the lump was not a good sign. He immediately arranged for Ann and Jeff to take Matthew to an oncologist in town. In less than twenty-four hours, Ann, Jeff, and Matthew found themselves on their way to a renowned university hospital for children in Virginia. The other boys stayed with Jeff ’s parents, and Jeff, Ann, and Matthew drove several hours to the Medical College of Virginia, in Richmond.

Their first day at the hospital was distressful for them.

Richmond was a big city. The hospital was huge. The whole experience was anxiety-producing. Ann and Matthew were in a tiny, closet-sized examination room. Matthew was sitting close to Ann. He had to remove his shirt, and the doctor inserted a huge needle directly into the growth on Matthew’s clavicle. Matthew was very brave. He didn’t complain once, but Ann could hardly bear seeing this procedure. She didn’t like it at all. The doctor had to push the needle with what seemed to Ann like all his might to get it through the tumor. She could do nothing but watch, even though it broke her heart. The procedure was done to extract fluid to determine if the tumor was cancerous and, if so, what type of cancer it might be. By this time, though, everyone knew Matthew indeed had cancer. They were simply waiting for the official diagnosis.

Ann felt like she and her family were stuck in a whirlwind.

Everything was happening much too quickly. They didn’t have a moment to think or really to process what was happening.

Matthew went through numerous scans and tests. Within five days to a week, he was diagnosed with Ewing’s sarcoma. Plans were immediately made for his clavicle to be surgically removed.

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The surgery was quickly scheduled and within a day of his diagnosis, Matthew was being operated on. Ann nor Matthew nor Jeff had time to properly process or comprehend the situation.

They were on a fast-moving train and basically had to ride that train wherever it took them.

Today, it would be the operating room for Matthew and the cafeteria and waiting room for Jeff and Ann. A few anxious hours passed, and then, it was done. The surgery a success.

Ann was standing alone beside Matthew’s bed, waiting for him to wake up after his operation. As soon as he opened his eyes, he looked directly into Ann’s. His eyes were full of love and concern. He began speaking to her with a sense of urgency. He said, “Oh, Ann. Pawpaw and MawMaw have been saying terrible things about you.” Prior to Matthew’s surgery, Matthew and his brothers spent the night with their grandparents. Apparently, they had spoken badly about Ann to the boys. This upset Matthew. He loved Ann. He wanted her to know what had been said about her.

Ann tried to calm him and tell him that it didn’t matter, but he insisted on telling her what was said. Lana had said that Ann was selfish. She had been pressuring Ann and Jeff to have Matthew baptized. Lana was not religious. She didn’t attend church nor read the Bible nor ask blessings for meals nor practice Christianity in any way. Yet she wanted to force Ann and Jeff to have Matthew baptized. She thought he was going to die. She wanted assurance that he would go to Heaven. She thought that if he were baptized, he would go to Heaven.

Ann and Jeff did not agree with Lana’s philosophy of Heaven and Hell. Matthew was only nine years old. They believed that he was innocent and not yet at an age of accountability. They believed that Matthew would go to Heaven if he died. They did not think that Matthew was going to die, though. They wanted to remain positive. They did not want to frighten Matthew with talk about death and dying. They did want him to worry about going to Heaven or Hell. Ann and Jeff were not being selfish. They 116

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were thinking of Matthew. They wanted to him to have as little worry as possible since he was already in a grownup world that involved surgeries, hospitals, doctors, needles, and drugs. They thought this was more than enough for a little boy to handle at such a young age.

Ann quickly reassured Matthew that all would be okay. She tried to make him feel like Lana’s words did not affect her. She quickly changed the subject, and they soon began laughing and enjoying each other’s company.

Within an hour after surgery, Matthew was zooming up and down the hospital halls in his wheelchair, talking with all the nurses. They loved him! He was a joy! He never complained. His face was covered with a smile for everyone to see. The nurses and doctors treated him like a king. And so did everyone else. He was an ideal patient. Oddly enough, he seemed happier than he had ever been. Ann thought he had finally gotten all the love that he needed and more. He was a good boy.

When Matthew finally began napping, Ann slipped out of the room to speak privately with Jeff. She told him what Matthew had told her when he woke up from surgery. Maybe Jeff was tired. Maybe he was worn out from all the stress. Maybe this was the last straw for him as far as the way his parents had treated Ann, but this time, he said something to his father. His father immediately got angry and said that he was leaving the hospital.

Ann begged him to stay. She said, “Please don’t leave! Matthew knows you were here! He will wonder why you didn’t stay to see him. This is our family! Please stay!”

Jeff ’s father’s response to Ann’s heartfelt plea was to storm over to her and begin choking her. Right in the hospital! Jeff pulled his father away from Ann and they started wrestling and fighting in the elevator. As they struggled and wrestled each other, neither one really getting the better of the other, Ann heard Jeff say, “I can’t let you do that to her, Dad.” 117

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Even though the scene was horrendous, and even though it embarrassed Ann terribly, she was thankful that Jeff finally took up for her. At the same time, though, the entire situation broke her heart. She knew Jeff loved his dad. She knew he was forced to do something that he would have never dreamt that he would do to his father. This time, his father had gone too far, though. Jeff ’s words were perfect. He simply couldn’t let his dad physically abuse Ann. He just couldn’t allow that.

After several days, Jeff and Ann were able to take their little boy home. Matthew nearly always chose to ride with Ann, but this time, he chose to ride home with his dad. Ann left the hospital alone. She drove down the highway, ignoring speed limits.

Accelerating faster and faster, passing cars, the music blaring loudly. The ride was smooth. She wove in and out of traffic with ease. She had no fear of an accident. She didn’t care. It was okay with her if her life ended in seconds. She wasn’t afraid to die. She was ready. In fact, it gave her peace that it could be the end. She could rest. She could stop trying. She could stop disappointing others. She wouldn’t have to hear anymore about how much she needed to change, how she wasn’t good enough. The mistakes she had made. How she hadn’t measured up. Had failed. Had let down. Fallen short. Disappointed.

It wasn’t from lack of trying. She always examined herself.

Questioned every move and decision. Tried to put others first.

Thought about the feelings of others. Gave to others. Cared about others. Loved others. She wanted to put herself first sometimes, but she didn’t. She couldn’t. It didn’t seem right. She loved to give. She loved to please. She loved to help. Somehow, though, it was never enough. She knew it never would be.

What a mess Ann’s little family was in now. As if their son having cancer wasn’t enough, they had to deal with totally unreasonable grandparents. Jeff didn’t allow the children to visit with the grandparents for quite a while after the incident in the elevator at the hospital. The grandparents eventually retained 118

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an attorney. They were hoping they would be able to convince a judge to force Jeff to allow them to see their grandchildren.

It didn’t turn out so well for them. When they presented their petty stories to the court, it was almost laughable. The worst thing they had to report in court was that Jeff and Ann had ordered pizza after the kids went to sleep one night. Not waking up the kids and allowing them to have a piece of pizza was cruel and unfair, they claimed. Ann thought it was sad they had wasted their money to pay an attorney who had to know they really had no basis for claiming Jeff and Ann were not good parents. This made them look foolish. Perhaps just simply saying they loved their grandchildren, they were sorry for how they had behaved, and they missed their grandchildren and wanted to see them would have been more effective in persuading the judge to allow visitation.

Lana had also sought out Jeff ’s former wife. She had hoped to get her on their side. She had hoped to have her testify against Jeff and Ann. Again, she was disappointed. Jeff ’s former wife supported Jeff and Ann totally. She stated that she thought her children were in a good home. She, of course, had experienced first-hand Lana’s unreasonable demands and her paranoia. There was no love lost between Lana and Celia. This was certain.

The outcome was not favorable for them. The judge chastised them. He warned, “When I’m finished talking to you, you are going to think you will never be able to see your grandchildren again.”

The judge proceeded to tell them they would have to have counseling and they would have to have supervised visits with the grandchildren if they wanted to see them. Ann felt some sympathy for them, but she was happy at least someone finally let them know what they did to their little family was totally out of line and unreasonable. Their expectations were absurd. Maybe she and Jeff weren’t perfect parents, but they tried their hardest to do what was right for their children and for their family. Ann 119

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always wondered why they weren’t appreciative that she gave her strength, energy, time, love, and devotion to their grandchildren and tried to fill the void left in their lives after their birth mother gave them up. Instead, they seemed to hate her. This was a victory for Ann, who questioned everything about herself. Yes, she thought, it is not me after all.

After only a week or so, Jeff ’s father called him. He was crying. He apologized for all they had done. He and Jeff ’s mom wanted to see their grandchildren. He begged Jeff to let them see their grandsons. They did not want to go through all that the judge had required of them. Jeff listened intently to his dad. He said, “You’re going to have to talk to Ann, Dad. You’re going to have to apologize to her for all you have done to her.” His dad agreed to do this, so Jeff turned the phone over to Ann. In just a moment, Ann accepted Jeff ’s father’s apology. She, of course, had always wanted peace in the family. She hoped now things would be different.

Lana never apologized, though. She was a stubborn woman.

She never changed her mind about Ann. She tolerated her, but only because she felt like she had to if she wanted to see her grandchildren. She was passive-aggressive toward Ann. She rarely recognized Ann’s birthday. Lana was always the first to send birthday cards to everyone else. It was something that each family member counted on. And Lana’s cards were always awesome! It was obvious she took a great deal of time and put much effort into choosing the best and most appropriate card for Jeff and the grandchildren. There was usually a humorous one and a sincere one. If she sent a card to Ann, it was generic.

There was no meaning to it, no message, no sincerity. Most of the time, though, she ignored Ann’s birthday. She also ignored Jeff and Ann’s anniversary. Ann generally felt hurt by Lana’s actions or inactions, and, of course, this is what Lana had intended and hoped would happen.

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Matthew had chemotherapy for eighteen months. Ann was worn to a frazzle. She was the primary caregiver for Matthew and the other children; she was still teaching school, and she had to deal with Jeff ’s parents. Even though Jeff ’s dad had apologized, she still had simply been beaten down by Jeff ’s parents’ behaviors and it took a tremendous toll on her mentally and physically.

She resigned herself to doing whatever she believed would keep the peace. So, she held her thoughts and feelings inside and held back her opinions. She basically quit talking when the family was together. She didn’t want to say anything that would cause an argument or controversy in any way. She became weak. She wasn’t healthy in her mind nor in her body. She compensated by eating more to feel good. She grew heavy. Then, she felt insecure and unattractive. She moved right into buying “big girl” clothes without skipping a beat. None of that mattered anymore. Jeff also ate more and drank more. He became less of a “happy drunk” and more of an obnoxious alcoholic. He was mean and bitter.

After Matthew’s chemotherapy treatments ended and their life was beginning to feel more normal to them, another major event occurred. Ann’s mother passed away. She had become ill and was unable to eat much food.

She spoke to Ann about how this made her feel...not being able to eat in a normal way.

“Food is a part of nearly everything we do,” Ann’s mom explained. “We eat to survive, of course, but we also eat to celebrate. Think about it...picnics, cookouts, dinners, going to a nice restaurant. At holidays, what is one of the most important parts of everyone’s celebration? Food! Everything we do pretty much involves food.”

Ann hadn’t really thought about it in this way, but what her mom said was true.

“And I can’t enjoy food now,” Ann’s mom said wistfully.

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Ann then realized how not being able to eat, or at least not being able to eat comfortably, affected nearly every part of her mom’s life. How very sad, she thought.

The doctors had hoped Ann’s mom’s condition wasn’t too serious, maybe some type of hernia, but they ran a series of tests to cover all the bases. This included some scans of her liver. After the scans were completed and she was awaiting the results, she came to visit Jeff, Ann, and the boys. They were having a pleasant visit when the phone rang. Ann answered the phone. It was their family doctor, Tom. He spoke to Ann and then asked to speak to her mom. She had told him where she would be and asked him to call there when he had some results for her. He carefully explained to Ann’s mom that he usually didn’t interpret tests, but he had studied her tests and read information about them and felt like he could give her correct information about what the tests revealed. In his opinion, the tests indicated that some type of scarring was present on Mrs. Montgomery’s liver, but it was his understanding that they were lesions. That they were harmless.

Ann heard her mom ask their doctor, “So it isn’t cancer, then?”

Ann gasped. She hadn’t even realized that her mom was concerned that she might have cancer. She didn’t know that this was even a possibility. But when Ann’s mom hung up the phone, she squealed! She then shared the good news with Ann and the rest of the family. In just a few minutes, she left to go home, smiling from ear to ear and full of joy. Everyone stood on the front porch, waved, blew kisses, and smiled.

The family went back inside the house, and Ann noticed that her mom had accidentally left her purse on the dining room table. She wasn’t sure what to do, but she figured that her mom would notice pretty quickly that her purse was missing and turn around and come back to Ann’s to get it. She never forgot her purse! She generally kept it right by her side. Ann reasoned that she forgot it because she was so overjoyed about the great news Dr. Tom had shared with her.

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Just moments later, Ann was surprised to hear the phone ring again. It immediately gave her an uneasy feeling. She answered it, and it was Dr. Tom again. Ann did not expect to hear his voice on the other end of the line. Right away, she noticed a serious tone to his voice. She knew that something was terribly wrong. In a business-like manner, he asked to speak to Mrs. Montgomery.

Ann told him that her mom had just left. She said that she thought she would return, though, explaining to him that she had accidentally left her purse there.

“Something’s wrong, isn’t it?” Ann worriedly asked Dr. Tom. “Just have your mom call me the minute she gets back there, please,” Dr. Tom answered in a very formal tone.

At once, Ann was concerned. What could possibly be wrong?

Ann wondered. Dr. Tom told Mom that everything was okay. That couldn’t have changed this quickly! Ann thought.

Then, in just a minute or two, Ann’s mom rang the doorbell.

She still had a huge smile on her face when Ann answered the door. Then Ann told her that Dr. Evans wanted her to call him.

Immediately, the smile disappeared from Ann’s mother’s face.

“Something is wrong,” she said. “I was afraid of this,” she added.

Then, Ann’s mom dialed the number and waited for Dr. Evans to give her the news. He immediately apologized to her.

He then said, “I am so sorry to tell you this, but I was wrong in what I told you the films indicated. The marks are not lesions. I was completely wrong.”

“I have cancer, don’t I?” Ann’s mom asked. She showed little emotion.

“We don’t know that yet,” Dr. Tom answered.

But Ann’s mom knew in her heart that she had cancer.

In a matter of weeks, Mrs. Montgomery was in the same hospital where Ann’s father had died. She had liver cancer. There were no options that would prolong her life. Mrs. Montgomery would only live a few more weeks. Ann stayed with her night and day for almost two weeks. They had wonderful conversations.

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Ann saw her mom’s life slipping away from her very quickly. The medications she took made her see things that weren’t there.

Once she said to Ann, “Who are those little boys sitting over there on the fence?” Of course, there were no little boys in the room. This saddened Ann immensely.

Yellow liquid oozed from the pores in Ann’s mom’s body. Her sheets had to be changed several times a day. They gave her strong medications, and Ann listened to her mom struggle to breathe.

Then one day, Cindy came to visit with Mrs. Montgomery. She had moved out of state, so she had just gotten there to visit. It was all happening so quickly. She and Ann took just an hour to go to a nearby restaurant and have lunch. When they got back to the hospital, they noticed a rainbow overhead. It was positioned right above the hospital. They marveled at its beauty before going inside to see their mom. When they got there, the room was empty. Ann and Cindy’s mom had passed away. They had moved her to another room. They cleaned her up, and she was lying there peacefully. Ann went inside the room to tell her mom goodbye. She kissed her forehead before leaving. To Ann, she was kissing a cold, empty shell, though not her mom.

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15 The children grew older and became more difficult to manage.

Life had become routine, dull, boring, and stressful. Both Jeff and Ann were unhappy most of the time they were together.

They had some happy moments, though, making meals together and taking family trips. Their best times as a family were visiting Ann’s grandfather. He had a beautiful farm. Life was serene and simple there. He walked with the family around his yard and pointed out all the varieties of flowers and trees. The kids were safe there and could run free without a care in the world. Ann and Jeff prepared meals together for her grandfather, and they sat around and talked and watched old movies. Ann’s Grandfather didn’t allow Jeff to drink there. He knew that it bothered Ann when Jeff drank. And Jeff, who admired and respected Ann’s grandfather, followed his wishes and refrained from drinking the entire weekend. For the weekend, at least, everyone felt at peace and happy. But the good times were soon outnumbered by the bad ones.

Jeff and Ann went out to eat often. Ann was excited when they went to a nice restaurant. They would sit down, begin good conversation, laugh, flirt, even hold hands across the table...but her mood was quickly doused when Jeff ordered a drink. Why, she thought, can we never have an evening or an event or a date without alcohol being involved? And even before Jeff showed signs that he was drunk, Ann was angry and resentful.

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She also hated that he spent the extra money for alcohol. Ann was the main money manager. She often felt like their money should stretch farther. Where did all the money go? she wandered.

Jeff blamed Ann. Ann blamed Jeff. She had no clue how much money he spent buying alcohol, but she knew it wasn’t cheap.

Then, when the meal was over and they would leave the restaurant, Jeff would hop behind the wheel and start driving them. A few moments down the road, Ann would realize he was driving while intoxicated. She would panic and make him pull over. Jeff always argued he was fine to drive, but Ann worried he would wreck or get in trouble, maybe even lose his job or get put in jail. She never understood why he would drive when he knew he had too much to drink. She also couldn’t understand why he didn’t realize the trouble that he would be in if he was caught driving drunk. It was as if he didn’t care.

Ann later realized that Jeff believed he was okay to drive. She realized also Jeff didn’t understand how much he changed when he drank. He thought he was acting normally. He thought he looked normal. He truly thought he was okay to drive. That his vison, his reflexes, and his judgment were not impaired. But his thinking was flawed.

Ann also never understood why she didn’t think to drive before they were halfway down the road. She had seen him drink. She had even been annoyed and sometimes angry that he drank. But she didn’t stay angry. He didn’t get sloppy drunk at restaurants. She did love him. And when he drank just a little, he was still fun. So, she forgot. Or did she simply try to fool herself or to remove it from her memory. Maybe this was her way of coping, she reasoned. She never knew the answer.

Social events were difficult for Ann. In fact, they were disastrous. Jeff drank until he could barely stand. Ann was miserable. She quit attending holiday parties with him. It was embarrassing for Ann to be with a drunk. He said obnoxious, 126

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stupid things to people. He and his friends talked about women and sex and told raunchy jokes, and Ann was sickened.

For a long time, Ann was thrilled they were invited to nice parties. She shopped, sometimes for weeks, to find the perfect outfit for the party. And, once, in a very tender, romantic, and memorable moment, Jeff surprised Ann with a beautiful, thoughtful gift. Ann had always adored pearls. She admired their simplicity and elegance. When she was dressed and ready to go to the dinner party, Jeff said, “I’ve got something I think would be beautiful with your outfit.” Ann had no idea what Jeff was going to give her. Then, he gifted her with exquisite pearl earrings. He gently placed them through the tiny holes in her ears. Ann was surprised and so very pleased. Jeff tenderly kissed her and then added, “Maybe I have something else that would look beautiful with your outfit.” Again, Ann was taken aback and had no clue what Jeff had in store for her. Then Jeff brought out a small blue rectangular box. In it was a silky cream-colored cushion and fastened upon that was a beautiful pearl necklace. Its simplicity was elegant and refined. Ann was in awe. This was the most thoughtful gift she had ever received. Jeff then placed the necklace on her neck and latched it in the back. He did it slowly and tenderly. Ann could feel the texture of the pearls and the weight of the beautiful necklace upon her chest. She was beyond thankful and grateful for this gift that showed so well how much Jeff loved her and listened to her and knew what would make her happy. When they arrived at the dinner party, many people complimented Ann on how beautiful she looked. Jeff walked beside her and gently placed his hand on her waist. He was proud to be with his wife. Ann felt so very loved and treasured by Jeff.

The night was beautiful for her.

And then it wasn’t. Ann’s fairy tale night ended much like the others. Jeff drank until he could hardly walk. Then Ann drove them home. Sad. Disappointed. Heartbroken.

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Jeff and Ann, both depressed and sad, began a sort of pathetic deal with each other. She would agree for him to buy alcohol if he would buy her chocolates. Somehow this made Ann feel like she had even a modicum of control over Jeff ’s drinking. She was fooling herself, though. The sad result was that they both indulged in their own weaknesses, their own vices, much more than they should have. Ann became heavier. And Jeff did, too.

They were miserable.

Their love life, which had once been very vibrant, had slipped into a routine. Ann basically allowed Jeff some sexual gratification, but she truly got nothing from their intimacy.

She did it out of obligation. She didn’t want to say “No” to him for some reason. She just really wanted him to be pleased and then done. There was no romance. There was no passion. There was no kissing or any type of foreplay. Just do it and get it over with, she thought to herself. She kept her gown on and lowered her panties. She wouldn’t allow him to touch any other part of her body. It felt too personal. Jeff satisfied himself quickly, and then it was over. Ann pulled up her panties, turned over, and went to sleep. Jeff was usually asleep before her, though, snoring peacefully.

Time after time Ann was disappointed when Jeff and his friends were drunk, and she had to bear witness to it. They went to a picnic once with Jeff ’s co-workers and their families. As usual, it started out fun. And, as usual, Jeff and his friends drank too much.

Jeff was teasing around with one of the other nurses. She was a pretty woman with short blond hair. She, too, drank heavily and was single. She had conversations with Jeff that Ann would never dream of having with someone’s husband. Then, Jeff suddenly lowered his pants and flashed his butt to this woman. The two of them laughed hysterically, but Ann was humiliated. She never forgot it. She didn’t think Jeff was unfaithful, but he certainly was disrespectful and flirtatious.

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Ann tried to hide her disgust at the parties and picnics. She was prideful. She didn’t want others to see that it bothered her.

She tried to act like it didn’t faze her when coworkers revealed that Jeff had made some flirtatious comment to another nurse, but inside, Ann was devastated. She knew she didn’t fit in with Jeff ’s friends. The others often tried to get her to take a sip of wine or a sip of a mixed drink, but Ann refused. She felt she could not participate even to the smallest degree in an act that repulsed her so much and that turned her husband into someone she despised at least at that moment or during those moments when he was drunk.

Ann felt like Jeff ’s friends thought that she was boring. And she was. She probably appeared almost puritanical to them. Jeff was so loud and obnoxious that when she did try to join the conversation, he spoke over her, interrupted her, and made her feel like what she had to say wasn’t important. She found herself retreating to corners, trying to blend into the woodwork, almost dissolving into a pile of nothingness. She was so uptight and anxious she could hardly function. She couldn’t talk. She couldn’t laugh. She felt like she might self-combust at any moment if she couldn’t escape this Hell. To Ann, social events were sheer misery.

So, Ann didn’t go to the next holiday party with Jeff. It didn’t bother him at all she didn’t want to join him. Or at least this is how it appeared to her. After just two or three hours, someone dropped Jeff off at their home. He was so drunk he had to crawl to the bathroom to vomit in the toilet. Ann hadn’t been there with him to curb his drinking. He was free to drink as much as he wanted without being chastised. While crawling around in the bathroom, he scratched a new watch Ann had purchased for him. He scraped it on the tile floor.

Ann wasn’t upset, though. She was calm because she hadn’t had to witness the drunken scene at the party. She didn’t have to be around all the people who were drinking alcohol. She stayed home and enjoyed a peaceful evening alone, lying in her bed all 129

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covered up watching television. So, she prepared a place for Jeff on the couch, placed a bucket beside him so that he could reach it if he needed to vomit, and went upstairs and slept peacefully alone. This was rare.

The next fall, there was an outdoor party planned. It had been more than a year since Ann went with Jeff to a party or dinner.

She loved the idea of a fall party, though. She imagined sitting by a fire, perhaps roasting hot dogs and marshmallows and having a great time. It seemed like it would be so much fun, but this time, for the first time ever, she would end up going home without Jeff.

Jeff ’s drinking was heavier than usual. In no time at all, he was staggering around and drunk. She tried to talk to him, but he couldn’t even focus his eyes on her. His lids drooped, the white part surrounding his irises was filled with red veins, and his eyes looked almost nonfunctional as if he really couldn’t even see her.

She tried to coax him to slow down. He ignored her completely.

He disgusted her. It sickened her that he had no control.

Ann got angry with Jeff ’s friends, too. They saw that he was drunk, but they kept offering him various types of alcohol.

Whatever anyone else was drinking, Jeff would gladly partake in, if someone offered it to him. He drank beer, liquor, moonshine, and anything that was handed to him. She simply couldn’t tolerate it. She hesitated for a moment, thinking that her leaving might embarrass him in front of his friends, but she didn’t care.

She knew she couldn’t bear what was in store for her if she stayed at the party. A friend agreed to bring Jeff home later that night.

Ann left the party. She was relieved to get home and crawl into bed and be away from the madness. The evening was like being in Hell to Ann. To Ann, this was one of the worst nights of their marriage.

As Jeff ’s alcoholism grew stronger, he gave up beer and switched to vodka. There were several reasons for this. One was that it doesn’t have as strong an odor on the breath, so, in that way, is less detectable. The smell of beer is unmistakable even 130

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a day later. Another reason is there was one bottle instead of a dozen or more cans. It did not have to be refrigerated. It could be hidden more easily. Vodka has less calories than beer, also. But the most important reason was that it was stronger. Ann recalled drunken voices stating liquor was quicker.

Vodka was the devil to Ann, though. Jeff was a different human being when he drank liquor rather than beer. He was mean. He was hateful. He was obnoxious.

So, the vicious cycle began...actually, worsened.

Ann started fussing at Jeff for drinking. This made Jeff want to drink more. Ann then fussed even more. Then Jeff started to hide his liquor bottles all over the house. It became a sick game.

Ann searched relentlessly for the alcohol that Jeff lied about purchasing and hiding. She searched in cabinets, under clothes, in corners of rooms, between food items...and it somehow gave her a perverse pleasure when she found it, only to sicken her moments later.

Jeff became less and less patient with his sons when he drank.

He spanked them and yelled at them, all the while Ann begging him to stop. Small things became huge things. These episodes were violent and disturbing and caused bad memories and emotional scars that were forever forged in Ann’s mind.

Ann recalled similar scenes from her childhood. Her dad didn’t drink, but he yelled, fussed, and spanked Ann and her sister with a belt. She remembered the time he spanked her until her legs bled. She had no recollection of what she had done to get a spanking like this, but she remembered her dad crying when he did it. He apologized to her, but Ann didn’t see it as any worse than any other spanking he gave her. It wasn’t so much the pain; it was the humiliation. Jeff ’s father spanked him with a belt, too.

And a switch. It’s what most parents did when Ann and Jeff were growing up. Somehow, though, being on the receiving end of the spankings was much less disturbing to Ann than witnessing it first-hand.

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Sometimes, Ann and Jeff sat down to watch a movie or show they had carefully selected. For some reason, Ann always fooled herself into believing that things were going to be different. Jeff would prepare a nice snack for them, and all seemed normal.

She would get all settled and start enjoying the show; then, Jeff would find opportunities to leave the room. For a long time, Ann didn’t even notice when Jeff was gone. Later, though, she began to watch his every movement. She noticed that he waited until she was involved with the movie. Then, he slipped away to drink.

And he did this over and over until he was drunk.

Ann would sometimes bring up some innocent topic of conversation that would devolve into a confrontation. This topic is benign, Ann thought, so why are we arguing? Before she knew it, she and Jeff were battling with words over something she had no clue even meant enough for them to debate much less argue about. She wondered why he was being so unreasonable. Then she would notice his drooping eye lids. This sickened her and angered her. She would see that his eyes didn’t focus properly.

She would observe the red veins that filled the whites of his eyes.

Then he invariably tripped over something...anything...it didn’t matter...he was clumsy and falling all over the room. He was drunk again, and Ann would be furious. It happened over and over, day after day, until Ann was so frustrated she felt like she would explode. Jeff ’s alcoholism was woven into every thread of their lives. And the threads were worn and frayed and beginning to unravel.

Each night, Ann marched off to bed full of hurt and anger, and Jeff soon followed. His presence in her bed sickened her.

He fell asleep quickly, though, snoring loudly, leaving her to lie there feeling lonely, frustrated, and angry, wondering what had happened to their life. She wondered how he could possibly sleep so soundly when she couldn’t begin to fall asleep. She knew, of course, that it was the alcohol that allowed him to sleep.

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The next morning, Jeff would awaken and be kind, gentle, and sweet. He was himself again, and Ann would fall in love with him all over again. Somehow, she was able to push all her anger aside. She was so happy to see the old Jeff again! All was forgiven.

They had a favorite restaurant where they went for breakfast on the weekends. It was such a treat for them. They saw friends and neighbors and parents of their children’s friends would speak. It was a great time, and the food was always delicious. Then they would go to a flea market or antique shopping or maybe clothes shopping for Ann. Jeff was patient and helped Ann look through racks of clothes.

He sat in a chair, and she modeled the selections. She loved that he took the time to do this. Other women often commented about how nice it was that he helped her pick out clothes. But by evening, the cycle would begin again. Why on earth, she wondered, did she not realize that when he offered to pick up snacks or run to the grocery store, he was making a liquor run?

Why was she surprised when they argued? When he stumbled?

When she found his liquor bottles?

If something happened at work that bothered or stressed Ann, she normally came home and told Jeff about it. She just wanted him to listen, but Jeff wanted to solve the problem for her. He still cared very much for Ann; he probably still loved her.

If someone was rude or mean to her, then, he got angry. When he got angry, he yelled and made threats about what he was going to do to Ann’s boss. Ann became more stressed. Then, she just wanted to escape so that she could be in silence and have peace.

Ann told Jeff once that she dreaded coming home from school. He said that he dreaded coming home from work also.

For the first time, Ann realized that their marriage was in danger of failing. She knew she was unhappy, but she didn’t realize Jeff, too, was unhappy.

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and so profoundly impacted it, she knew very little about the disease. She was never able to step away from it and think about it objectively. She was trapped in the violent winds of the storm, swirling round and round and unable to escape its destruction.

Then one night, she caught Jeff at a sober moment. She tried to express to him that he was going to lose her. She said she was going to leave him if he didn’t stop drinking. She thought for certain she would frighten him so badly with her threat to leave he would wake up and realize his abuse of alcohol was destroying their marriage. But his reaction shocked her. He didn’t seem to mind at all that she might leave. She was devastated. He really didn’t care if she left him or not.

That night, after falling into a deep sleep, Ann had a dream about Jeff. It was very short, but powerful. She was trying to persuade him to come with her, but he wouldn’t come. She saw the look on his face. She knew that she had lost him. She knew she was powerless...that she had no influence in his life. She woke up crying. She knew it was just a dream, but it was somehow real to her...beyond real. She thought it was an omen of what was to come for her in her marriage.

Jeff and Ann continued their miserable relationship for a few more months. Both were unhappy. Then one evening, as the cycle continued and the night became filled with anger, disappointment, and frustration, Ann began fussing at Jeff about his drinking. They didn’t argue this time, though. She didn’t yell.

She only fussed for a moment and then began to retreat to her bedroom. To her, it was their normal routine. But it wasn’t a normal night for Jeff. He was drunk and full of rage. He was close behind Ann as she made her way to their bedroom. She stepped into the bathroom to brush her teeth and was suddenly violently pushed so hard she landed in the bathtub. She was totally shocked and not even fully aware of what was happening when Jeff began hitting her. He hit her directly in the face with his fists.

He beat her and punched her like he was fighting another man.

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When Ann became aware enough of what was happening, she began to defend herself. She was in a vulnerable position as she lay crossways in the tub. She managed to bite his arm, though.

She must have kept her eyes closed, maybe as a way of protecting herself. She was totally taken by surprise, and this rendered her almost helpless. She could do very little to defend herself.

It all happened very quickly. Suddenly, Ann felt something cold and heavy against the temple of her head. She quickly realized that Jeff was holding a gun directly against her head.

She was terrified, but her instincts took over and she instantly became perfectly still. She was very quiet. She had enough sense about her to try to diffuse the situation. She didn’t try to reason with him. She didn’t say a word. She was afraid that anything she said or did might set him off. Ann prayed silently in her mind.

She knew she had to take a second to do this...to talk to God. She was thankful she had the opportunity to do this. She often feared she would die without having a chance to pray. She was surprisingly ready to leave this life. She accepted this might be her last day on earth. She was terrified, yet somehow calm at the same time.

Then, for some reason, Jeff lowered his gun. Ann ran at once to the living room. She tried to phone the police. Jeff threatened her again. “If you call the police,” he warned, “I’m going to have to kill you.” Ann immediately put down the phone. She felt helpless.

She began crying. She ran to her room and jumped into her bed.

She completely covered herself with her sheets and blankets and cried. The crying was soft and quiet. She quickly fell asleep, most likely totally exhausted, mentally and physically, from the sheer terror she had experienced. Jeff didn’t bother her anymore.

When she awakened the next morning, Jeff was by her side.

Strangely, Ann had gone to sleep on Jeff ’s usual side of the bed, and he slept on her side. Ann turned over and looked at him.

It was almost as if nothing had happened the night before. Jeff was nice again. He said he didn’t recall most of what happened, 135

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but he knew something terrible had taken place. He remembered bits and pieces. Ann told him some parts of the night but not a blow-by-blow account of the Hell he had put her through or of the terror she experienced. Little was said about that night in the weeks that followed. But Ann made an appointment and went to a local attorney and started divorce proceedings. Jeff and Ann parted amicably. She didn’t reveal to the judge what Jeff had done. They never fought again.

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16 It was around 3:00 a.m. Ann had been sleeping peacefully.

Then she awakened with a jolt. She thought she heard something.

She quickly opened her eyes, and it looked as if Bobby were standing beside her bed. Watching her. Looking over her. He looked dark. She couldn’t see his features, but she recognized the shape of his body, his height, and the shape of his hair. The sound Ann heard and the vision she saw happened simultaneously.

Bobby was saying something to her. Ann tried hard to determine what he was saying, but she couldn’t understand him. He spoke in a muffled tone, and whatever he said was very short. The vision and the sounds disappeared in just three or four seconds, leaving Ann confused and trying to figure out what Bobby was trying to tell her. Ann wondered, Was this a warning? What was Bobby trying to tell me? Was he saying he loved me? What did he say? It was over in seconds, and Ann had no idea what Bobby or this vision of Bobby had tried to communicate to her.

After her divorce from Jeff, Ann was filled with self-doubt.

The marriage was such a tumultuous experience. She engaged in lots of negative self-talk. No one is ever going to love me. I’m never going to find happiness. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be happy? Why is God punishing me? Am I cursed? Would anyone notice if I disappeared? If I died? Would anyone care? Would anyone miss me?

Ann was lonely. But she didn’t want to spend time with just anyone. She wanted to feel love, but she wanted it to be pure. So, 137

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she decided to get a puppy. She searched and searched for the right puppy. She read advertisements and talked to people and even went more than once to purchase a puppy, but something happened each time, something small, something unexplainable, that kept her from buying the particular puppy that had been advertised. A couple of times, the seller didn’t show up. Or someone else would swoop in and buy the puppy she had planned to buy before she could get there. Times and places were confused. But Ann didn’t give up. Then one afternoon she saw an advertisement that sparked her interest. A woman had to give up her puppy. Her landlord wouldn’t allow her to keep it. The puppy looked sad in the photograph posted with the ad. Ann phoned the number given in the advertisement. The woman still had the puppy! The owner assured Ann that the little puppy was sweet.

So, Ann and the owner agreed to meet in Princeton.

Ann parked her car and stepped outside it to await the arrival of the pet owner. The owner arrived. She stepped out of her truck with a little frightened puppy in her arms. Ann gently took the puppy into her arms. The puppy willingly came to her. The owner said her name was Prissy. Immediately, Ann held the puppy close to her breasts. She could feel her growing calmer. Ann felt love and a strong connection from the moment she took the puppy in her arms. And the little doggie felt right at home with Ann. Ann slipped the owner her fee. She did it secretively. She didn’t want this little puppy to know that she was being purchased. That she was something that could be bought and sold. Ann knew puppies couldn’t realize something this complex, of course, but she wanted to respect her in this way anyway...right from the start. She wanted this puppy to feel loved and wanted. Ann didn’t own her. She adopted her. She wasn’t property that could be bought or sold.

Ann returned to the car with her puppy held close. She sat there for at least half an hour just holding her. When they got home, Ann let the puppy lie beside her on the bed. All the puppy’s 138

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fur had been shaved. She looked pitiful. This made her ears look quite large and out of proportion.

The next day, the little puppy woke up with her bright eyes looking affectionately into Ann’s. She was playful and bounced all around the bed. She stood on Ann’s chest and tried to lick her face. When Ann sat her down beside the bed, she ran around the room with her ears perky and her tail held high. She looked like she was hopping as she scampered across the floor, hardly making a sound. She weighed about five pounds. Ann took her for walks and everyone who saw her loved her. She spread love and joy everywhere she went. She was the sweetest little puppy in the world. Ann and her puppy bonded more and more every day.

Ann was troubled by the name she had been given, though. She wasn’t prissy at all. She didn’t like bows. She didn’t like having her picture made. Nothing about her was prissy.

The puppy’s hair grew out. It was curly and soft. She gained a little weight. She was like the ugly duckling that grew into a beautiful swan, and everyone who met her was enamored with her and spoke of her beauty. She was Ann’s little baby. She was Ann’s little girl. So, Ann named her Baby Girl. Everyone agreed that this name was perfectly suited for the little fur ball of love.

Baby Girl gave Ann unconditional love. She was her companion. She was pure and good. When her hair got longer, Ann saw that she had a little white heart shape in the fur on her chest. It was so appropriate! Ann often wondered if Baby Girl was an angel that God had sent to rescue her. To help her heal.

To give her the pure love she wanted and needed. When Ann got sick, Baby Girl never left her side. She provided comfort to her.

Ann teased that Baby Girl was her nurse.

Baby Girl helped Ann feel better and to be stronger. She began to lose weight from taking daily walks with Baby Girl.

She got outside and talked to people because they were drawn to Baby Girl. When Ann looked in the mirror, she was happier with her appearance. She became more aware of what she ate, 139

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the clothes she wore, the way her hair was styled. She started listening to music and dancing at home. It felt good to move her body. She felt sexy.

Ann improved her self-talk. She didn’t hate herself anymore.

She didn’t feel like a failure. And she always knew that God wasn’t really punishing her, but now at least she didn’t ask herself this question anymore.

Ann became interested again in decorating her home. She loved beautiful surroundings, so she started going to antique shops and flea markets to find interesting items to add to her home. She searched for beautiful pieces of art. Even her bed linens and towels were like pieces of art to her. She transformed her home to reflect who she was as a woman. It reflected her style, her taste, and her femininity.

Then, in about a year, Ann was ready to open herself up to dating again. When she finally put herself out there, she had a few relationships that were either friendly with no hope of anything serious, unworkable for a variety of reasons, or just didn’t have a magic to them. When a close friend introduced her to John, though, Ann was surprisingly excited. Right away, she was attracted to his quiet manner, his beautiful smile, and his kindness. He described himself as shy, but he and Ann found lots to talk about. At the end of the evening, he respectfully asked her for a hug, and Ann politely agreed. His strong arms felt good to her.

John asked Ann if she would consider meeting him for dinner that weekend. She agreed to meet him Sunday evening. She was pleasantly surprised at how much she was looking forward to it.

This made her happy.

The evening finally arrived, and Ann and John met at a cozy family-owned restaurant in Princeton. It was less than a week before Ann’s birthday. John selected the restaurant. It was a favorite of the locals, so the wait was long. While they waited for a table to come open, Ann and John walked to a nearby 140

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shop. Ann felt remarkably comfortable. This was not what she expected. She thought that she would be tongue-tied and unable to hold an interesting conversation.

In the shop, John and Ann looked at beautiful fall flowers.

Surrounded by the flowers, Ann felt a peaceful feeling come over her. Beauty always calmed her...especially beauty in nature. She was in awe of the vibrant colors. The wispy purple flowers were especially pretty to her. John was attentive to everything Ann said. They got along well. They had much to talk about. He didn’t seem shy at all to her. She liked his stories. She liked to see him laugh. She liked that he laughed at her stories and her jokes. He seemed like a great person to Ann. John had never been married. He didn’t date much when he was younger, but he had a couple of romantic relationships after he had worked for a few years. The first one was kind of tumultuous. John was trusting and gentle. His friend, Jamie was crazy about him, and they had great times together, but she tended to pull away when they were apart. He suspected that something from her past haunted her, but she would never reveal what it was. John often felt confused and hurt. This on again/off again relationship took its toll on him, so he decided to end it.

It wasn’t really what he wanted to do, but he felt it was what he should and must do.

John still longed for a relationship. He had lived a happy and productive bachelor life, but now he realized that a loving relationship was something that he wanted in his life. A mutual friend then introduced him to Cami. Their relationship would last for several years. John and Cami did the normal couple things.

They prepared foods and attended neighborhood get togethers, church, and workplace parties. Their relationship had passion in the beginning, but it seemed to diminish over time. This may have been because neither John nor Cami communicated their feelings well.

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After several years into the relationship, Cami hinted about marriage. John did not respond as she had hoped. In fact, he didn’t respond at all. He had plenty of thoughts about marrying her, but he did not share those with Cami. Cami then withdrew from him emotionally and physically. She ended all intimacy.

For a couple of years, he continued trying to make it work. There was little closeness, though. Cami eventually met someone new and told John to move on. He was hurt and lonely. Meeting Ann, then, was a happy and welcome moment for him. When he hugged her after their first date, he knew that she was special. He hoped that this was the start of something good.

Ann and John talked every night. They planned another date.

Ann drove to John’s home just across the state line. When she got there, John surprised her with two pots of the beautiful purple, wispy flowers that she had admired when they first met. He took her for a ride in the mountains close to his home. The beauty of the wooded mountains kept Ann in awe. She loved bouncing in John’s truck as they trudged through the twisting single-lane dirt roads. John had access to the highest part of the mountain. He unlocked and unchained the gate, and they passed through it.

When they reached the top, they got out of the truck, and John led Ann to a spot that overlooked miles of mountainous terrain.

He took Ann’s hand and carefully led her to a rock ledge. He hugged her from behind to keep her steady. She felt safe in his arms.

The air was clean and crisp. The temperature was perfect.

Ann preferred the cool temperature of fall. She loved this time of year. Unlike some who see fall as a time when things are starting to die as winter approaches, fall was symbolic of new beginnings for Ann. This fall, Ann thought, marked the beginning of a not only a new relationship but of a new happiness and perhaps a new love for her. She wanted this very much, yet it also frightened her.

Fall had been such a special time for Bobby and her.

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Ann had dated others. And, of course, she was married to Jeff for several years. She knew early on, though, that this relationship was different than the others. They dated for several months. Their relationship felt good and pure and right to Ann. These feelings, however, prompted memories for her. Memories that were sweet but painful. Memories of Bobby. Memories she had tucked away to alleviate the pain. This, she was reminded, is what it is like to truly love someone. To love someone who is a good person.

The feeling that was inside her was familiar, and that brought her some degree of comfort. But Ann repeatedly questioned herself, wondering if she was willing to take the risk of falling in love again. Of the possibility of being hurt again. And, most importantly to her, the risk of losing someone again. Quick flashes of being lonely, weak, and afraid...of seeing herself piled in the floor, devastated and unhealthy in her mind, body, and spirit...of longing to be held...raced through her mind.

Ann recognized the feeling, the pattern, the emotions she was experiencing. She had yearned, even prayed, to feel those things again. Yet now that they were here, they frightened her.

It confused her. Overwhelmed her. As a young woman, she embraced her feelings and emotions without hesitation. She lived each day as it came and had no regrets. It was easy with Bobby. It worked. It was young love. It was her first love. It was strong love.

It naturally fell into place. And she loved Jeff, but their life was such a struggle for her, and the love not nearly as intense.

So, this time, Ann hesitated. It was a matter of selfpreservation. Of survival. Her feelings of love, this time, were laced with a tremendous fear of loss. And this was equally powerful. She never wanted to experience losing someone she truly loved again. What if she allowed herself to be in love with John and then lost him as she did Bobby? She did not believe she could bear it again. Not at this point in her life. She truly did not think she would survive it.

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Sometimes she felt like she wasn’t fair to John, with the memories of Bobby still lingering inside her heart and mind. And there were so many memories...songs, places, lines from movies, jokes they shared, secrets they kept, moments they shared. Her time with John was magnificent and nothing frightening nor reminiscent of Bobby crossed her mind when they were together.

It was all about him. But when their beautiful weekends ended, and she was by herself again, the experiences she and John shared flooded her mind with memories of her first love, a love she thought would last a lifetime and a love she thought she would never experience again.

Ann and John had dated nearly a year. It was summer, and the day was beautiful. Ann phoned to let John know she was leaving to come visit him as she always did, so that he would know when to expect her. It was an hour’s drive to get there, but she never minded making the trip. She loved the drive to John’s home. She traveled through the mountains that rolled on and on. She felt tiny when she was surrounded by the green forested ridges that extended to the horizon and transformed into beautiful shades of blue. She recalled reading about the Endless Mountains in college. They were named by Native Americans in the Pennsylvania area because they seemed to go on forever.

Ann understood the name because it perfectly described the mountains between West Virginia and Virginia, also a part of the Appalachians, that she saw on the way to John’s home. Sometimes, when Ann was looking straight ahead, with nothing on her mind except the mountains, she was mesmerized by the beauty and the enormity of them. It looked almost as if she would drive directly into them. It appeared as if the road ended at a huge, unpassable mountain. It was as if this were the end of the earth.

Ann loved seeing the waters of the New River swiftly rush over the rocks as she traveled through small towns on her way to John’s. The river added the finishing touches to the magnificent mountain scenery. The water was often swift, but it also had 144

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many places where it lay peacefully calm. Ann marveled at the reflection of the trees in the water. The mountains and the water offered Ann great peace. They prompted many memories. She often thought about accounts she had read of early settlers in Jamestown. She had read once that the fish were so abundant that they could almost be scooped up by hand by men aboard boats traveling through the rivers.

Every time she drove down Route 460 on her way to John’s, she traveled past the mighty New River in Giles County, Virginia.

The wildness of it was brought to life by the rushing white waters pushing their way over rocks. Mountains loomed over the area, thick with lush trees and other vegetation. All this brought to Ann’s mind stories she had heard about Mary Ingles Draper.

Storytellers say that Mary had been kidnapped by a band of Shawnee Native Americans after the Draper Meadows Massacre during the French and Indian War. During this battle, she lost her mother and an infant niece. Her husband was wounded and escaped to the woods. Mary and two of her sons were captured, though, along with a few other people. The story, as Ann recalled being told, was that after being held captive for a while, Mary gained the trust of the Shawnees. She was supposed to be foraging for nuts and berries along with another woman she called the Old Dutch Woman. The two of them were able to sneak away and managed to escape. They had only a couple of blankets and one tomahawk. The two women ended up traveling for hundreds of miles over mountains, rocks, cliffs, and rivers. They stayed away from paths that had been created by their captors. They feared that if they were found, they would surely be killed. This accounting of what was believed to have happened left a huge impression on Ann. The story was remarkable to her. She often laughed at herself and commented that she could never have made such a heroic escape because she could have never found her way through the forests and rivers. Ann had absolutely no sense of direction. She 145

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had learned that Mary had kept track of the miles she traveled while she was captive and that she noticed that her captors always followed rivers. Each time Ann passed the river in Glen Lyn, she thought about Mary passing through that area. She imagined her, barefoot and naked, with long white hair and only 23 years old, walking along the river, trying to make it back home to her family. Etched in her memory was the story that Mary and the woman who accompanied her were starving. The Old Dutch woman, it is rumored, wanted to cannibalize her. The two separated at the end. Mary supposedly sent for the Old Dutch Woman, and they had a good reunion after they made it back home to safety. This woman’s heroic journey simply amazed Ann. She talked to her students about it and encouraged them to read about her. Presumably, Mary had also traveled through parts of West Virginia very close to Ann’s home. She made her way through the rough terrain of the New River Gorge on her incredible journey.

That afternoon, after Ann told John she was leaving to come visit, he said, “Come to the place where we were looking at the stars that night. I’ll be there waiting for you.” Ann’s heart pounded with excitement. She wondered what he was planning.

He probably wants to show me something like a bird’s nest he found, or a beautiful tree, or some flowers, Ann thought. “This is so unlike him, though,” she softly said to herself, still wondering.

She suspected that it was more than him wanting to show her something pretty, but she didn’t know what it could be.

The secluded area by the pool in his yard was special to them.

One fall night, Ann had mentioned how beautiful the stars were.

She saw them sparkling as she was peeking through the bedroom window. She giggled, half teasing, really saying she wanted to go outside and look at them. John quickly got up and grabbed a blanket and began leading her through the house, the basement, and finally the yard. The night was especially dark, and the inky black sky was a perfect backdrop for millions of twinkling stars 146

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shining above them. John took Ann’s hand and led her through the grass. She trusted him completely as she tiptoed through the dew-laden grass, hardly able to see even inches in front of her.

The pool area was surrounded by grapevines and other shrubs. It was gated. No one could see their nude bodies lying on the blanket so late on that perfectly silent, perfectly romantic night. They giggled and laughed and talked and kissed and enjoyed the magnificence of the perfect evening. Ann loved the feeling of complete freedom. The coolness of the night. The child-like simplicity and innocence of their playful evening that would turn out to be one of the most romantic and memorable nights of her life.

Ann often recalled the scene from this picturesque night. She had a great ability to see things from the perspective of an artist but couldn’t recreate the images that dwelled in her memory. Ann loved art in its many forms. Art aroused her emotions. While visiting Lewisburg one Saturday, she entered a small gallery. The artist’s work appealed strongly to her senses and emotions. Most of the pieces were whimsical. She saw one painting with a fox resting on a hillside gazing at the stars. At once it reminded her of her romantic evening with John.

Ann spoke with the artist for a long while. She was the only one in the shop, so they went around talking about each of the paintings. She learned about Laura’s childhood and the stories behind each of her pieces. Ann and Laura had a mutual fondness for each other. Ann shared her story about the starry night with John. She asked Laura to create a piece for her with two foxes lying together under the star lit sky. Laura agreed. The piece was magnificent, and Ann gifted John with it on their first Christmas together. Laura included a caption on the piece that said, “Illuminated by Stars.”

When Ann arrived at John’s home, she timidly crossed the lawn and made her way to the secluded pool area, her heart pounding with every step she took. When she reached the pool, 147

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she saw John lying nude in the sun. She was taken aback, but excitement rushed through her body like electricity. She lay beside John, fully dressed. He began kissing her. Ann removed her dress and John unhooked her bra. Together, they lowered her panties.

The breeze was perfect...very gentle and warm. Ann had never been nude outside in the light of day. She felt the soothing warmth of the sun touching her body. John kissed her lips and breasts with the tenderness that she had come to love. The slight breeze tantalized her as it touched her inner thighs and between her legs. She opened her eyes to see the magnificent bright blue sky above her. Fluffy white clouds floated by. It was intoxicating.

Ann loved the peace and quiet that surrounded her. It was so tranquil at John’s. She savored every moment. She remembered her great-grandmother once telling her there was no need for cameras. She told Ann to take in what was around her, close her eyes, and visualize the scene in her mind. She explained this would etch the scene into her memory. Grandma Farley assured Ann the image would always be with her. Ann took her great-grandmother’s advice. She studied the beautiful sky, the tiny leaves of the locust tree dancing in the wind, and the slowly shifting clouds. She recalled this peaceful picture often.

She thought of it when she and John held each other, when she wanted to relax after a rough day, and when she lulled herself to sleep at night after working hard all day.

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17 His hands. Ann loves John’s hands. They are large and manly.

His hands envelop hers. She loves that his hands are skillful and talented. They have scars and are rough, yet they are loving and gentle. John usually takes Ann’s hand and holds it when they walk. When they ride in the car, she caresses his hands. She brings them to her lips and kisses them. She feels their manliness, the roughness of them as she kisses them and holds them to her face.

She tenderly massages them. She rubs between his fingers. She presses and kneads the palm of his hand. She gently sucks on his fingers.

John and Ann are quite different, but they are also very compatible. John is mechanically inclined. Ann views him as one of the most brilliant people she ever met. He told Ann, “If you can figure out how it works, then you can fix it,” and John could fix anything. He was so very talented that it amazed Ann. He knew everything about auto mechanics. Friends called on him for advice on how to fix cars. Many times, he helped friends stranded on the side of the road with some type of mechanical issue. John never failed to solve the problem.

He could weld. He could fabricate most anything he needed.

He knew all about electricity and plumbing. Ann admired him.

He could do everything that she could not even dream of doing.

John included Ann when he worked on his many projects.

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it. Ann went with John to his friend’s garage. John was welding a piece for his tractor. She loved watching the sparks fly as he made perfect seams. Then, he lifted his hat and motioned for Ann to come closer to him. He placed a welding hat on Ann and explained how to create a bead. Ann followed his directions and made her first weld. It wasn’t straight, and it showed where she stopped and started and stayed in one spot too long, but Ann was proud of what she had done. John cut the metal into a manageable piece and Ann kept it on her dresser for a keepsake. John could have given her a diamond, and she wouldn’t have valued it any more than she did her tiny piece of welded metal.

She also helped John work on cars. He taught her how to change a flat tire. She drove his tractor. He patiently explained how things worked to her. Sometimes Ann got it. Sometimes she didn’t. But she loved to listen to him tell her about the workings of a carburetor or the science of hydraulics or the science of thermodynamics. He often spoke of thermodynamics in relation to cooking. He teased that his mom didn’t understand that branch of science very well because she sometimes burned the family’s dinner. He joked about that, but he adored his mom. Ann had often heard that how a man treats his mom is how he would treat his girlfriend or wife, and John’s love for his mom was crystal clear. Ann knew that his mom had to have felt so very proud and fortunate that her son was such a wonderful human being.

John’s mom had passed away a little over a year before he and Ann met. Ann loved to hear him talk about her. Their family was traditional. His dad was the provider financially, and his mom worked at home and prepared meals for them. They weren’t open about love; his parents didn’t kiss and hold hands and show affection in those ways, but their family was quite full of love. It worked well. John’s dad was mechanically inclined, and John watched him work. Even as a toddler, his dad let him help.

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when his dad was working on building a trailer. And this job was very important to him. He made sure that he stomped on every single spark. It warmed Ann’s heart to think of him as a little boy helping his dad. She imagined him stomping out the little sparks that flew out and hit the ground, making sure he got every one of them and did his job just right. She imagined him feeling proud of himself and grown up, and very important. His dad’s heart had to have melted when he watched his little boy trying so hard to do what he asked of him.

And John and his brother helped their mom cook. The family meals were important to them. His mom was fast and knew by heart how to make the meals they loved. Their extended family got together regularly to eat and talk and enjoy the pets. John’s mom had pet rabbits, and John told Ann stories about watching them eat and about how spoiled they were. John said that he never heard his parents fuss nor argue. Ever. She didn’t know if they simply waited until the kids were gone and discussed or argued over things in private, or if they truly never disagreed or argued.

There was something about this family unit that appealed to Ann right to her very core. She was a strong woman, but she truly wanted a man who was head of the household. She was very particular, though. The man had to be the head of the household, but he had to respect her, honor her, value her opinions, and treat her as an equal. That sounds impossible. But it is what she wanted. She wanted to be protected, adored and loved. But she also wanted to be equal and strong. And John gave her these things. Because he was a man in every way that she craved, she could be a woman in every way that she desired. She wanted to cook for John. She wanted to please him. She wanted to love him like there was no tomorrow, to please him like no other woman had. And she did. But when John loved her, she was weak. She was overcome with passion. He was clearly in charge. And he 151

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loved her like no other man had. This relationship was what she had always dreamed of. Truly, she was in a relationship of equality and at the same time, a relationship that allowed her to be a woman who was overpowered by the sheer manliness and love of her man.

Ann sometimes prepared meals for him in his mom’s kitchen.

She loved using the utensils, the measuring cups, the bowls, and the pans that his mom used. When John and Ann straightened the basement, they came across some of his mom’s dishes. John gifted Ann with several items. He gave her a little white enamel teapot with a black wooden handle, an embroidered towel, some glasses with small flowers, a silver-plated wire bread dish, and some other personal items. Ann softly wept as she unwrapped and uncovered John’s mother’s things. It touched her deeply, and she had never even met her. Ann could not explain why John’s mother’s memory has such a strong impact on her, but it did.

She often felt John’s mom’s presence when she was in the home. It was a warm feeling. Ann felt like she was pleased that her son was so well loved. She wished she had met his mother and that she could have had a close relationship with her like John did.

These feelings made Ann question herself about how she felt about her own mother. She did not get this type of feeling about her own mom. It made her feel guilty. She thought about John’s mother much more than she thought about her own.

Sometimes, Ann felt like she and her sister were more of a burden to their parents than a pleasure. But, as the years passed, and she grew happier, stronger, and more self-assured, she recalled more good things about her parents than bad ones.

She was thankful. And, although Bobby would always hold a place in Ann’s heart, as she and John grew closer and closer, new memories were forming as well as new traditions, new ways of doing things, new favorites, new interests, new friends, and so 152

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much more. Love, she realized, could take different forms. Bobby was a first love, but the love she had for John was very pure. It was a mature, respectful, deep love with a great deal of passion. She could not imagine ever doing or saying anything that would hurt him. And she had never been more fulfilled. She didn’t know how all the changes that had occurred in her life, making her a stronger and happier human being, had come about. It was all too complex. But, although she knew she must continue to grow and develop as a confident person who loved herself as much as she loved others, she was at a higher point than she had ever been in her life. She now believed that she could truly be one of those people who are genuinely content. Genuinely happy.

More than anything, Ann wanted a home that was filled with love. A home without fighting. A home without alcohol or at least without excessive alcohol. A home where work was important. A home that truly was happy. She realized that things aren’t perfect in any household, but she believed that a happy household full of love was possible.

John’s love of friends as well as family also warmed Ann’s heart. John had many close friends who called upon him often for advice or help. And John gave both willingly and without question. Ann admired the relationship that John had with his friends, family, and neighbors in his small community. They all helped each other. No one kept tabs. They loaned things to each other without hesitation and helped each other in the best way they could. It was refreshing to Ann in a world where so many people were afraid of being taken advantage of or worried about giving more than they were getting. It was never, “Hey, I paid for dinner last! It’s your turn.” It just always fell into place for John and his friends and family. They were good people.

Ann was a reader, a writer, and a teacher. She was skilled mathematically, too. John admired her intelligence. He sometimes asked her to help him with correspondence that he 153

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created at work or to look over something he had written to check for errors. This, of course, thrilled Ann. She was happy to be asked to help.

John and Ann spent a lot of time together working. This was great for Ann. She loved to do physical work. And a hardworking man was very attractive to her. Once, a huge maple tree beside John’s house was struck by lightning and fell into his yard.

They worked for hours to clear the yard. It excited Ann to watch John skillfully cut the branches with his chainsaw. She carried or dragged them to the woodchipper, threw them in, and stood back to hear the heavy blades reduce the enormous tree to tiny chips in a matter of seconds. Then, they transported the tiny logs by tractor to stack them to use for heat in the winter. It felt good to Ann to sweat...not perspire but sweat.

John and Ann were working at a neighbor’s house once to chip up huge piles of shrubbery that the neighbor had trimmed and piled in the yard. Ann loved keeping pace with John. They worked in the hot sun for a few hours. Ann needed a drink of water, so John got on his tractor and called her over to sit on his knee. Then, he drove her through the streets of the neighborhood.

The wind gently blew in her face, and John placed his left arm around her to keep her safe from falling. She felt like he was her knight in shining armor. It was as if he had lifted her up and put her on his magnificent white steed, and they were galloping into the sunset. She didn’t think she could possibly feel happier than she did in this moment. She felt like she was John’s girl and that he was her man.

A week or so later, a neighbor drove past while John and Ann were planting dogwood and redbud trees in his lower yard. The dirt felt precious to Ann as it sifted through her fingers. She sat on the ground and lovingly planted and covered the trees. John created troughs around the trees so that the saplings had a good supply of water. The neighbor asked John if he would come by and till a couple of garden spots for him.

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They planned to help him later that evening. They walked through the yard and below the pool area. They got the tractor out of the garage and put the tiller on it. John had Ann drive.

They squished together in the large seat. The farm was close but was hidden from view and rather secluded. Ann was in awe of the acres and acres of rolling hills. She had seen farms like this from the highway, but she had never actually visited a farm like this. There were several buildings. As they traveled down a steep hill, Ann suddenly lost control of the tractor. She and John were flying down the hill and could not stop. John grabbed the steering wheel and this frightened Ann. “What’s wrong, John?” Ann yelled, her voice clearly showing her fear.

Her anxiety was heightened when John responded, “I don’t know!”

If John didn’t know, she thought, we are surely going to wreck.

But they didn’t. John landed them safely. He discovered that the tractor had been knocked out of gear. This was probably because they were so tightly packed on the seat. They laughed afterward about flying down the hill, but both John and Ann were shaken by the experience.

The closer Ann felt to John, the more confidence she had in herself. She enjoyed being alone for the first time in her life. She actually craved alone time. And being without John for even a week made her appreciate him so much more when they saw each other again. And John felt the same. Sometimes, Ann would begin to drift to sleep. In that dream-like state she experienced something uncanny. It was almost as if she could feel John within her body...like their bodies were meshed. She could visualize his expressions that were so familiar to her. The way John smiled when he had done something sweet for her and she acknowledged him, the way he looked a little shy or embarrassed if she bragged a little too much on him, the way his eyes saw deeply into her 155

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heart, soul, and mind when they lay kissing each other. Ann believed that they had a strong connection. She would think of him, and he would call her within moments. It was as if they were totally in sync with each other even when they were miles apart.

John often made love to Ann for hours. The excitement never diminished. Quick breaths, like panting, sometimes lulled her into quiet, thoughtful moments. In these moments, Ann felt new. And pure. Like a new day. Like early morning dew on the grass. Like the gentle sun, not yet hot, but perfectly warm. She felt like John’s love wiped away all that had been bad in her life.

All the times she had sex without wanting to. The times she had sex just to please someone else. The many times she had sex to feel loved. The regrettable times she had sex with someone who was mean to her or took her for granted. Ann knew that this was different. And good.

John was so giving. He knew how to please her. He loved her like no other man had. Tiny, gentle touches and caresses.

Passionate kisses. She completely gave herself to him. She was his, and she loved it. She ached inside each time he touched her.

He seemed to never grow tired of touching her and loving her.

She felt confident and beautiful and loved. She had no inhibitions at all. She wanted to hear him say he loved her, but he didn’t. This was the shy side of him that he told her about from the start. She didn’t say the words either. It was almost as if the words would diminish the moment rather than add to it. She knew that he loved her, though. That his love was real. That it was forever.

Ann loved to look at his face. His lips were beautiful to her.

Sometimes, their eyes met, and his were so kind and full of love.

She saw him see her. She saw him see her intense pleasure. And she felt his love. She knew that he felt hers.

Often, Ann’s passion rose so high that she cried. Hot tears pooled in her eyes, then rolled down her cheeks, giving her relief from all the pain she held inside, all the tension, all the stress.

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She moved from one emotion to another almost seamlessly.

She experienced a whole range of intense emotions over and over. And this was powerful. She felt it throughout her body.

She could hardly bear it. Ann would then feel totally relaxed and peaceful. John held her in his arms, and she laid her head on his chest. Within moments, both Ann and John would drift to sleep.

Ann loved waking up beside John. She liked to see his pouty lips as he slept. She woke up happy every time she and John spent the night together! This was an awesome thing to her. She was also full of energy and ready to accomplish great things! She was usually the first to awaken. After admiring his handsome face and full lips for a few moments, Ann begins gently touching John. Gentleness was new to her. She did not realize how much tiny touches and tenderness excited her. And she had never been a gentle lover either. She thought that men were all basically raw and animal-like and that gentleness would be boring. With John, she discovered how tantalizing it could be. She learned something new about herself. She learned this was truly what she desired most. She desired receiving love this way and giving love this way.

She liked that John was tender but strong. She never forgot that he was the man. He was the dominant one, the protector, the warrior, the strong one. His hands and arms made her feel tiny when he pulled her close and touched the small of her back and her hips. She could feel his strength and his gentleness at the same time. John made Ann feel loved. Valued. And he never lost respect for her strength as a woman. He never forgot that she was the woman. That she was the heart and soul of their relationship.

Ann felt better than she had felt in many, many years. John found out how Ann worked. So, he fixed her. He fixed her with love, kindness, tenderness, passion, respect and honesty. He helped to make her whole again. Ann fixed herself, too. For the first time in many years, she realized that she was someone to be valued.

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That she had much to offer. She always knew John was a prize, but now she realized she was too.

John and Ann took a drive on the mountain. Ann took in every scent of the woods and earth that surrounded them on the rugged, one-lane road. When they reached the summit, they spotted a swallowtail butterfly flitting about the purple thistle bushes. The butterfly was busily gathering pollen. A bee soon joined in, sometimes causing the butterfly to flap her wings and change positions, but the butterfly never stopped what it was doing. It was such a peaceful moment. As they traveled back down the rough mountain road, John and Ann opened their windows. It was a temperate day, and the breeze tossed Ann’s hair as it caressed her face. John looked at Ann. He stopped the car. He brushed back Ann’s hair from her face. With his beautiful brown eyes outlined with equally beautiful long lashes, he gazed into Ann’s eyes with a look of sincerity.

“I love you, Ann,” he lovingly whispered. And they sat in silence for a few moments, letting the air cool them. Calm them.

Totally relax them. He kissed her tenderly and continued, “You are a beautiful girl, Ann...inside and out.”

“I love you, too,” Ann said.

And with these declarations made, they continued their journey down the curvy mountain road.

Ann did not know what the future held, but she knew she was happy with this relationship. She had never been happier. And she was happy with who she was as a person. She was happy to spend time with such a good human being. Whatever challenges she might have to face, she had the strength to weather them now. She could finally relax and be at peace with herself. She felt worthy of love.

And then Ann’s mind drifted to Bobby. She knew he would be happy for her. Seeing her happy always made him happy. She thought about feeling his presence that night beside her bed. She 158

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thought about the shadowy figure and his words that seemed so jumbled. Then, just as she and John reached the bottom of the mountain, in an almost magical moment, she finally realized what Bobby was trying to say. Ann then smiled, took a deep cleansing breath, and took John’s hand.

“Just breathe, Ann.” These were Bobby’s final words to the love of his life.

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Tammy Donahue Children’s Books

A Kindergarten Story This is the perfect book to introduce Kindergarten to your nervous five-year-old!

Award-winning teacher Tammy Donahue allays fears by showing what your child will do in Kindergarten with fun illustrations by Lisa White.

Book Awards

eBook

Gold Mom’s Choice Award Winner Paris Book Festival Runner Up Los Angeles Book Festival Runner Up London Book Festival Runner Up San Francisco Book Festival Winner The Great Northwest Book Festival Winner The Great Southwest Book Festival Winner The Great Southeast Book Festival Winner The Great Midwest Book Festival New York Book Festival Runner Up

Dr. Darcey From the Headline Kids Educational Series, Dr. Darcey addresses the issue of miscommunication in the classroom after some strange events occur.

Book Awards Mom’s Choice Award Seal of Excellence Creative Child Magazine

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Ann and her husband, Bobby, are from generations of coal miners in Southern West Virginia. When Bobby joins their ranks and begins working underground, the reality of the dangerous mining conditions haunts her.

She recalls, with great anxiety, watching her father, who suffered with Black Lung, fight to take his last breath. Ann experiences much turmoil and many losses in her life. She has loved and been loved; has been both cherished and abused; and, she has faced extreme loneliness and despair, yet is able to find great happiness working with students. She has easily loved others, but not herself. This heartfelt story follows Ann’s tremendous journey to not only love again, but most importantly, to love herself.

A JOURNEY OF LOVE & SELF DISCOVERY

“Breathe Easy is a tale of struggle and hardship, set in the mountains of West Virginia—the story of a young woman who experiences love and loss but remains true to her roots and her family traditions. Ann Montgomery has extraordinary gifts as a teacher. Life presents a series of challenges that she overcomes with grace and strength. This is a journey tale and bildungsroman that will hold every reader’s attention but will speak particularly to young adult readers about the importance of holding steady and never giving up.”

—DR. S. BAILEY SHURBUTT

Shepherd University Distinguished Professor of English, Emerita

TA M M Y D O N A H U E

TA M M Y D O N A H U E is a schoolteacher and speaker. She is the author of two multi-award-winning children’s books, Dr. Darcey and A Kindergarten Story.

Both are also Mom’s Choice Award Honorees. She graduated from Marshall University and received her Master’s Degree from the University of Virginia, an Education Specialist’s Degree from Virginia Tech, and her Doctorate Degree from the University of Virginia.

She is the recipient of the Excellence in Education Award – West Virginia Council for Teachers of English (2020), Excellence in Writing Award – West Virginia Council for Teachers of English/National Writing Project (2019), and Excellence in Education Award – Raleigh Register-Herald (2019).

Breathe Easy is her first novel. For more information visit www.TammyDonahue.com

TA M M Y D O N A H U E