55 minute read
“Failing Forward”
Nobody To Blame But Myself
Personal Essays
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By Sebastian Londono | Staff Writer
Photo by Olhar Angolano on Unsplash
High school is a time in everyone’s life that gives them a chance to go on the road to become whatever it is that they want to be, whether it’s becoming a doctor, a writer, or even a psychologist. These four years are the building stones to what your future would probably look like, at least that’s what it would be for most people.
By the start of my junior year, I came into the year very optimistic and very hopeful that I would be able to find out what I really wanted to do in life because at this point I had zero idea of what my life will turn out to be, I was always living in the moment and never really thought about my future until one day during my English class my guidance counselor came in and talked about college applications and focusing on your future, which I hadn’t even began to do.
Throughout my first two years of high school, I considered myself to be an above average student, always getting my work done, A’s and B’s across the board, it was going very smoothly, but the almighty junior year hit. All teachers would talk about was “Junior year will be your biggest year yet, it will determine whether you get into college or not”. I took this as a bluff, not realizing at the time how right they could be. The year went on and I started off as well as any student could, my first semester ended with all A’s and feeling great about the rest of the year. After this semester, however, the school guidance counselor walked in with a stack of folders and stood in front of the class and started giving a lecture on our future and going to college and learning what you want to do when you’re older. At that very moment it didn’t really faze me that I had basically one year left until I would have to at least have an idea as to what I wanted to do when I finished school.
The guidance counselors starts to go to each student one by one and have a little conversation with each about their grades and their future. Eventually one of the councilors got to me and started to ask me the same question that every student had been asked “What do you plan to study in college, if you are planning to go at all?” At the time I just lied to her and told her I already had some colleges that I plan to apply to, when in all honesty I haven’t even looked up a college at all to that point. So she handed me a folder with all of the financial aid instructions and my GPA in all of the stuff I would need to start applying to colleges.
A few days passed and then my parents came to me with the same question, but I gave them my straight up response, “I don’t know what I want to do,” and all they told me was “take your time and figure it out.” I started to overthink college so much by this point that I started to focus less and less on school work, and by the end of the second semester, out of six classes, I had failed three of them.
My school life had never felt so hopeless in my life, never did homework, tests were barely getting passed, and somehow while all this was happening, it didn’t faze me and looking back I can’t realize why. My parents were in shock when they saw my grades, but somehow they weren’t as shocked as me. At first i thought “well, I just have to do better the next semester, I guess”, but the next day at school, the counselor called me in to her office, she looked at me, almost in disgust and confusion while looking at my grades on the first and second semester, and she asked “what happened?”
My answer right away was “I don’t know,” but right after I said this, I started to understand. I told her, “Ever since you started talking about college and this year being the biggest year for colleges to look at, overthinking just became a habit and now I’m stuck in this hole of not being able to focus in school and do my work consistently.” My guidance counselor told me something that really changed my view of things. She said, “Before you can think about your future, you have to think about the present, if you don’t live in the present, you’ll live in regret in the future”. That just left me speechless, and all I could say was thank you and walk away.
What I did to try to ease my mind from all of this might not be the best thing to do but it sure helps, and I was taking a week off of school. I didn’t just take a week off to sit at home the whole time and do nothing, I planned out a week of relaxation for myself physically and mentally. I took a couple days to go to the gym for a few hours a day to keep my mind off my school life. This was the best way to start off a week of trying to get away from school, focusing on myself and my own physical health.
While I was there, however, I noticed a sign that said they would be doing a two-hour meditation session later that day, I had never done meditation before and you always hear that meditating is a great way to get your mind off of things, so i just said “yolo” and did it and that might have been the best two hours i have ever spent doing something in my life. That time in the room with all that peace and quiet for those two hours really hit me the perfect way, so I kept going back for the meditation every day of the week and while that was probably the quickest a week has ever felt, it was also the best that i had ever felt.
Going back to school felt like the first day of school was every day, I found joy in going to school that I hadn’t felt in a while. Those next two semesters all that I focused on was school. I spent at least an hour or two a day reading different books and articles to keep my mind running. I also began doing something that I had never done efficiently, studying. The daily meditation was able to let me really pay attention to what I was reading, which led to being able to translate to studying for various tests and quizzes.
I finished with all A’s in all my classes and finished the year with honors, and whenever I find myself a situation such as that one, I always think back to what the guidance counselor told me, “If you don’t live in the present, you’ll regret it in the future”, because at the end of the day, you only live once and the years don’t wait for you, so take advantage of the moment whenever the opportunity presents itself.
Essays
My Search For The Secrets To Success
By Jania Jones | Senior Staff Writer
Hot tears rolled down my face and the sleeves of my recently purchased HCC hoodie couldn’t seem to swipe them away fast enough. I glared down at my paper as if squinting my eyes harder would help the answers magically flow onto the page. Feeling embarrassed and out of place, I looked down at my watch and prayed for the rest of the time to fly by. I knew that the remaining 35 minutes wouldn’t save my score. I just wanted to leave. Riddled with shame and disappointment, I pretended to work for the rest of the time, writing and erasing random formulas over and over again until time was called. Finally, I was freed from the constraints of that classroom and practically ran out the door. My studybuddy from another class looked up at me, expecting a smile of triumph as I exited the classroom and led her out the building, but I couldn’t even meet her eyes. I couldn’t even bring myself to acknowledge the fact at hand. I knew that I just bombed my midterm exam. We walked in silence until we arrived at the train station, which is when I picked up the phone to dial my mom.
“So how did it go?” She asked me expectantly.
“Bad. Very bad.” It was only then in which I felt safe to release the dam that was holding up half a semester’s worth of tears. “I definitely failed. I couldn’t even answer half of the questions. I don’t even know how this happened. I studied. A lot! I used my notes and memorized the techniques, but the second the paper was on my desk, my mind went blank. I’m so sorry.” The silence that rang back in my ears was far from comforting.
After a long pause my mom just said, “I know. It’s ok. You can always try again next time. It was just one test. When you get on the train sit down and write everything you didn’t know that you can remember.”
All I could muster back was a meek “okay” and hung up the phone.
That day was embarrassing on so many levels but was nothing in comparison to the days that would follow. I’d been struggling in Pre-Calc for a while now and my professor, Mrs. Philips, had been nothing but supportive. However, her being nice to me didn’t change the fact that I was up to my neck in confusion about what was going on. I went to every office hour session that she hosted for a solid month and a half, and I still couldn’t grasp it. Now it would be one thing if I was right below the marker for a solid pass, but I was far below. During exams and quizzes I couldn’t just ask for help, which quickly became my worst enemy. And that midterm was supposed to be my saving grace. However, I quickly realized that passing this class wasn’t plausible for this semester, so I had to make the decision to withdraw from the class. Mind you, this was during my first semester of taking college classes and I’d only been taking one other class that semester. I was devastated beyond belief.
I felt that my once strong standing, academic confidence was shattered. Over the course of the rest that semester I was able to pull through my English 101 class with a B and was ready to leave college behind and not return for a while. Despite this, after talking with family, it was made clear that giving up was not an option and that I would return in the Spring with a new perspective and a readiness to come at learning from a different angle. You see, currently I am a junior in high school and at the time of my Pre-Calc fiasco, I was in my sophomore year. At my high school, school work had always come easy to me and I never really had to worry about excessive studying or the fear of not passing on assignments. Therefore it’s safe to say that after receiving countless 60s and below on assignments in my class, I was shocked. I’d let my arrogance and previous experiences get in the way of entering this new environment with a clear mind and paid the price for it.
Over the next two semesters I had to work to not only rebuild my GPA but rebuild my confidence in myself. Too afraid to touch anything that seemed too complex, I ended up enrolling in a basic statistics course at another community college to earn my math credit for the semester. While that class was a communications challenge within itself, the fact that I was actually retaining new information and gradually improving on assignments was very fundamental to the journey I had ahead. I successfully finished that class with an A- and took on college algebra in the next semester. Having jumped from going straight into pre-calculus to taking several steps back in order to catch my breath was nerve wracking at first but is what truly pushed me to the amount of progress I have made today. Once I realized that I was letting fear drive my course selection and my overall experience here, I realized how childish I was being after one simple mistake.
Originally, I allowed this mistake to define me as a student when that wasn’t the case. I learned from the experience and had a very quick shift in mentality and perspective. This wasn’t going to be the walk in the park that I was used to. Now, halfway through my fifth semester here, I have just entered my first semester of the honors program and declared my major in journalism last fall. While I am still a little too nervous to try out Mrs. Philip’s class once again, I am not as hesitant as I was this time last year. I’ve realized the importance of how calculated risks and preparation work in conjunction.
Now this isn’t to say I don’t have my rough patches. Like clockwork, that time of the semester rolls around when it’s finals week and I am stressed like no tomorrow. But now instead of shutting down and getting worked up, I try my best to think strategically and not just off of emotions. Acknowledging when I don’t know something and when I need help is something that I am still working on but can see improvements in almost everyday. My mom always tells me, “If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room. It’s the person that asks the best questions that will get the farthest.” While my “near-sighted” goal is to graduate from HCC, the skills I will have learned from my time here will propel me into the future I yearn for. I’m still searching for the book of the ‘secrets of ultimate success’ but in the meantime, I think I’ll be all right. Finding this magic book will take hard work and a crazy amount of effort, but when I do find it, this will have all been worth it.
“I definitely failed.
I’m so sorry. ”
TØP: Music For Your Ears And Mind
By Estefano Torres | Staff Writer
With the release of their 2021 album “Scaled and Icy,” my all-time favorite band, Twenty One Pilots, continues to produce amazing content. Whether it be rock, pop, reggae, rap, or indie, this greatly talented musical duo from Columbus, Ohio, consisting of frontman Tyler Joseph and drummer Joshua Dun, have gone from underground to mainstream success.
Most everyday music listeners may know them for their hit single, “Heathens,” from the 2016 film “Suicide Squad.” The duo is also known for its Grammy Award-winning album, 2015’s “Blurryface,” which spawned two hits, “Stressed Out” and “Ride.” However, Twenty One Pilots has created a passionate fan base that can agree that the band is much more than just their mainstream success, and I especially know this for sure.
Not only does the duo produce amazing music with catchy bass riffs and piano/ukulele melodies, but ever since the band’s creation in 2009, they have been able to stay faithful to themes such as battling anxiety, self-pondering, and everyday struggles. My favorite TØP song, “Heavydirtysoul,” addresses the topics of fearing death and personal struggle. Another favorite, “Car Radio,” deals with isolation.
Tyler and Josh have managed to stay consistent with their lyricism and artistry, while also experimenting with many different genres throughout the years. Give them a listen! They have helped me through many obstacles in high school and college.
Twenty One Pilots have evolved from recording songs in their basements to selling out Madison Square Garden and do not look to be stopping anytime soon.
Photo by Estefano Torres
Fifty-Three And Pursuing My First Degree, But, Oh, The Challenges!
Essays
By Alva Blair | Editor-in-Chief
We’ve all heard the adage “You’re never too old to learn.” At fifty-three, I know that’s true, because I am in my third year at community college. I would have graduated May 2021, with plans to transfer to Southern Connecticut State University had my trajectory not been interrupted by me finally getting a job after about three years of trying. That’s the first challenge. Work and school.
Learning something new at any age can be challenging. However, it is not so much what those challenges are, as how you approach and deal with them that makes a difference as to whether or not you succeed, as I would realize when I decided to go back to school.
I had recently been laid off and just could not find a job. My children were old enough for me not to worry about them so much – one in college and the other in 10th grade – so I thought, why not? Everything was going along swimmingly – I took three or four courses per semester, until I finally got a job in what would be my last. But I quickly realized I couldn’t do it, especially with the work schedule I had - 10:30 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. In reality, my schedule really started at 8:00 (to prepare and get there for 10:30) and ended at 7:45 (to leave, hopefully, by minutes after 7:00 and get home). So, I had to withdraw from one of the two courses I had registered to take.
In previous classes, I had set a schedule and lived religiously by it. I don’t have that luxury now. I do schoolwork when I can. I tried never to miss a deadline then (I did one or two times), but this time I am ok with doing so. It is what it is. You try your best and that’s the best that you can do. And I am ok with it. Kudos to students, young and older, who are managing fulltime jobs and full-time school. You are to be commended.
I’m a Communication Studies student who does not like to communicate; or at least to talk to people, especially interview sources. That should be the most challenging issue for me (I’ll get to what that is later), because I’m more of an introvert who gets anxious whenever I have to talk to people I have never spoken to before. Funny enough, if it’s on someone else’s behalf, no problem. But for me, forget it! (And I sell furniture! God has a wicked sense of humor.)
So, can you imagine when I have to reach out to sources for interviews for my papers? I won’t go into too much detail, but my process is not pretty. Crafting an email is nothing – that’s my communication preference – writing! So, reaching out first via email is a breeze. However, when I have to actually call, oh boy! I first have to psyche myself up and that could take hours. I try to rehearse the words I’m going to use, because sometimes I sound overly formal and that can be off-putting or too chirpy and that’s just ugh! I try though, because I know weaving in other voices, especially those of experts, can give my essays depth and texture and color.
Now, here’s my most difficult challenge - technology. Mark you, I appreciate technology and what it allows us to do. However, sometimes I am just stumped. Here’s an example: Why should I have to give an audio-recording app access to my “photos, media, files to record audio?” What does it need all of that for? I just want to record a little interview! And then when I grudgingly click ‘OK,’ more crap comes up with all kinds of stuff – Data usage, Battery, Storage and on and on… I already clicked ‘ok,’ can’t you just allow me to record? I still haven’t recorded via that gadget.
Then for some reason, I am usually met with that little blue circle that spins in the middle of your laptop or phone screen while you wait for something to download. Or is it...upload? My professor, when I complained that I wasn’t able to use my phone to get to work he had posted, offered, “That sounds like an internet issue, Alva.” Translation, it’s not the work that there’s something wrong with, it’s my cellular service - I need to boost my data. Grrr.
Now, that leads me to another point. One of my young classmates asked if I ever felt “out of place” being an older student. At the top of this essay I said that one is never too old to learn, but sometimes one can still feel “out of place” among a room
full of bright eyed, eager, and more importantly, tech-savvy students. Have I felt uncomfortable at times? Sure. But only when tech stuff is being discussed. I listen and if I don’t get it, I ask for clarification. Yeah, I feel cute, but I love to use my gray hair to get a pass. In my experience, young people are quite respectful of their older classmates. Never once have they been impatient with or rude to me. If a teacher tries to clarify a tech issue and I don’t get it, usually one of my young classmates (I’m usually the only old person in my classes) will try. If I still don’t get it, I try when I get home and if that still doesn’t work, I know that at the very last minute I will have a breakthrough. It’s as if I have no choice (I really hate failing!) so if one way doesn’t bear fruit, something else will or I just Google and pray that helps.
Succeeding at your courses and maintaining at least a 3.5 GPA means you attract your school’s honor society. I did mine. That’s the only time I wondered about being older. Do they know how old I am? Are they just looking at my GPA without realizing I’m not young? Do they really want “old people” in their society? Well, I had passed up a previous opportunity to be part of one society because I felt I was too old and so when another reached out to me from HCC I thought, “What do you really have to lose?” I did some research and found...nothing! Age is nothing but a number!
Even with these challenges, as an older student at HCC I don’t stand out. As I walk the halls or have dealings with administrators and departments, I see folks my age all around - typing away in the computer lab; printing or copying documents in the library; taking the stairs or elevator to an upper floor in Lafayette or Beacon Hall, scurrying to get to classes. We are not a novelty here.
If you take a look at some of the Horizons publications you’ll see personal essays from older students who have succeeded at this institution. We have participated in groups and organizations; have been tutors and mentors; have graduated with our certificates or associate degrees, or have transferred to 4-year colleges. Despite the challenges we are here, and we are just like every other student.
Photo by Alva Blair
Things Don’t Always Go According to Plan
Essays
By Amanda Mainieri | Staff Writer
By the time I was fourteen years old, I had my whole life I heard my teacher calling after me, but my feet didn’t planned out: what my career was going to be, when I was stop moving. I knew where I was going though. The school going to go to college, when I was going to get married counselor. After inviting me to do so, I hesitantly walked and have children. I had crossed all my T’s and dotted into her office, and wearily took a seat. I started to explain all of my I’s. That was until things took a turn. Once I to her what was going on, and she helped me identify the hit junior year of high school, life was starting problem. For the next several months, I had made to become harder, and I didn’t know why. I progress with my anxiety, and was feeling would sit in class, and my thoughts would better, and visiting the school counselor be racing. I would sit at my desk with on a weekly basis. With the blink of an my legs bouncing, hands shaking, eye, it was already senior year, and and my toes would be numb from that’s when everything went south anxiousness. for me, taking a turn. My anxiety and depression worsened, making
No one noticed. My friends it hard to simply get out of bed didn’t notice, my teachers in the morning. I was missing didn’t notice. My parents school, falling behind in my barely noticed. This was classes, and my parents were because I hid my true becoming very concerned. emotions. I acted like I was I began to see a therapist fine, when I really wasn’t. I outside of school, and I was wanted to create this facade receiving assistance in school that I was perfect, and that as well, but my thoughts were everything was still going still all over the place, and I according to plan. However, felt hopeless. When I did attend I was breaking inside. I didn’t school, I would have panic know what was wrong with attacks, and have to leave early. I me. Surely this had to be just was absolutely miserable. During some teen angst dramatic the weekends, I would sleep all period, right? Nope. It was day, and barely do any homework. crippling anxiety and depression, although I didn’t know that at the Then, word started spreading about time. this new illness called, Corona-virus, and soon enough school was closed down for
I remember the day that changed the next two weeks. I was ecstatic, and spent everything. It was during fifth period, and I was my days watching “Friends,” and eating ice cream in getting ready to present. I was sweating, my cheeks were bed. However, school never went back into session, and we hot, and I felt nauseous. “It’s just a measly presentation, moved to online learning. I was happier than ever. For the it’s not that serious,” I thought, but I was still overcome first month. Then, being stuck inside started taking a bigger with nervousness. “Amanda, it’s your turn,” my teacher toll on my mental health than it was actually going out and announced. “No way,” my brain was telling me. I got up, attending school. I didn’t have the privilege to hang out and instead of going to the front of the room to present, I with my friends, or go shopping, or get something out to ran out of the classroom. eat. Then, it became the lowest point in my life. I stopped
Photo by Graehawk from Pixabay
attending my online classes, putting no effort into my work. I stopped talking to friends, and locked myself in my room all day. I stopped attending my therapy sessions, and wished I could just go to sleep and never wake up.
My mom made the decision to get me an appointment with a psychiatrist, so I can get medically diagnosed and start taking medication. At the appointment, I told him everything that was going on with me, and how I was feeling, and my experience for the past year. He diagnosed me as having Generalized Anxiety Disorder, depression, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He prescribed me Lexapro, and I began taking a small dose. I noticed a small improvement in my mood and my rapid thoughts were slightly slowing down.
By the end of the summer, I was prescribed another medication to help calm my thoughts at night, and I was much better, and feeling good about myself, and starting college. My thoughts would overwhelm me in the middle of the night, to the point where I would stay awake from them. That’s why I was prescribed Abilify, to slow down those thoughts, and help get a good night’s rest, so I won’t be so anxious or irritable the next day. I chose Journalism as my major, and loved all the courses I was taking.
Unfortunately more recently, I haven’t been feeling well. I started to feel the same way I was during my senior year of high school, and began to panic, not wanting to feel like that ever again. I talked with my psychiatrist who told me the Lexapro was wearing off, and I needed to switch to Prozac. He also informed me that I may have a mood disorder, and that we need to experiment with the Prozac and see.
The thing about having a mental illness, is that swallowing a pill every morning doesn’t just get rid of all of your problems. It takes a lot of therapy, assistance from friends and family, and learning your self worth. I see a therapist once a week, and talk with her about the issues I am facing, and how I would like to work on them. Taking medication will not solve your issues, even though that would be great. Clearly, I am still overcoming my conditions. I do feel a whole lot better, and I function very well, and I am very proud of where I am today.
On My Way to Becoming an Editor
Essays
By Alva Blair | Editor-in-Chief
Istarted out thinking I would be writing about the changes I have been seeing in the English language, but kept veering off instead into errors and inconsistencies in the writing of the language, my compulsion to correct them, and my attempt to push-start my editing career by reaching out to a publisher. Boy, that was a face plant!
During high school I read a lot of novels, especially from the romance genre. I know I passed Caribbean Examination Council (CXC) History because the night before the exam I read a historical romance novel set during the French Revolution and the paper had a question based on that time; I waxed eloquent on the essay. I know I also passed English because the stories I would read were so well edited it was easy for me to absorb the elements of good writing.
In those days – a few decades ago – one would be hard pressed to find an error in the writing – structure, grammar, syntax, you name it. If I ever did, I would mark the spot in the sentence and dog-ear the page, pleased with myself that I had found an error (usually it was just a dropped letter). These days, that’s not so much the case.
I have found that a lot of the books and novels I read are rife with errors and inconsistencies. For transparency’s sake, I read a lot of books courtesy of Amazon’s Kindle Unlimited, many of which are self-published and seem to be self-proofread or self-edited. Whether it is because writers are proofing/editing their own works or writers/editors are not as grounded in the language and its structure as those of decades ago, a lot of the writing can be confusing and for me that’s editing heaven. So, I figured I’d start off by proofing and work my way up to editing.
Here’s a small sample of errors I found in one story (I won’t say which), why I think they’re wrong, and how I think they should be corrected. I’ll follow up with my proposal to the publisher. Ha!
Armed with my spreadsheet of errors and inconsistencies (many more than I have here), I penned a letter to the publisher. And could not send it. I couldn’t find them. At the end of the story the publishing company’s name had been emblazoned in Zapfina script and I thought it would be a simple thing to click it and be transported to the website. When that didn’t happen, I Googled. When that didn’t work, I tried tracing them through Kindle. The euphoria I had experienced reading and identifying errors and correcting them and setting them up in my spreadsheet waned. Bit by bit. Until I thought of their Facebook page.
I searched and searched until I found an email address and happily sent off my email that I had written so long before. And I waited for a response.
Of course, all this time I had been weaving a bright future as an editor-by-way-of-proofreader of romance novels. I thought of the fun I’d have helping to make the reading of these novels smooth and mellow while ensuring that the logic of movement was practical and that the structure of the language in no way impeded the palpitations of the heart that so often accompany the investment of time and spirit in reading such works. I was practical. I could read a novel in about four hours, but editing one could take days depending on so many variables. But I was ready for that. Finally, I got a response. “Passive aggressive.” To this day that’s what I see when I think about that email. I was thanked for my interest in wanting to be one of their proofreaders, but perhaps I could be better at proposing to do so. I was passive aggressive. I was stunned. I had never been accused of being passive aggressive. What the heck was that, anyway? What does that mean (asks the woman who wants to edit)? I Googled it! Yeah, I knew what it meant, but having that phrase thrust at my being left me floundering. I have always tried to write as I would speak in a particular circumstance, and I thought my wording conveyed a tone of “Humbly I come. I would love to edit for you as I love the stories you publish, and I enjoy editing, as it’s fun for me to do so. Here is a small example of how I think when editing.” I must have deleted their email in vexation as I cannot find it.
For a while I didn’t read anything; I was embarrassed. They hadn’t questioned my correctness or incorrectness, just told me my approach was wrong. But as far as I was concerned, if this was my first attempt at reaching out to an editor and that was the response, would anyone want to work with me? That kinda thinking was illogical, especially as I know that I would need to send dozens of letters to dozens of editors to even get one near positive response. But I was still floored.
What I read Why I think it’s wrong My proposal for Correction
At twenty-five, Jean-Pierre married his model girlfriend of ten years
That would mean he was with his girlfriend when he was 15 (I’m unable to fully illustrate the context, but based on my reading he met her at 25)
Your music was being broadcasted
Regardless of tense, the word doesn’t change: present, past, or past participle (but language is dynamic and more and more I am hearing/seeing “broadcasted”
Had a real history to the violin
“With” is used when you’re referring to two things existing or acting together; “to” is used when one thing is acting on another
Simplify. Delete “of ten years,” because it didn’t add anything to the writing as far as I could see.
Your music was being broadcast
Had a real history with the violin... Even this is awkward, so I would perhaps say “was a virtuoso”
Nails painted and filed
One would never paint nails and then file them. And even though this isn’t a big thing, why cause a stumble in the reading if it’s not necessary Nails filed and painted
Once I would be with him, I wouldn’t have the chance
In this case, “would” indicates a point in the future; using it is awkward
Once I was with him, I wouldn’t have the chance…
Ocean swarming around Insects swarm
Ocean flowing around or waves curling, ebbing, crashing
Had blacked both of Dr. Vieg’s eyes
Had served good on his promise
Reputations proceeds you
Context: there was a fight. The act/verb is “blacken” Had blackened both of…
The phrase is “made good” meaning fulfilling an obligation or paying a debt Had made good on his promise
Proceed means to continue; precedes means come before Reputation precedes you
Relishing in the early morning You revel in but relish; just relish Relishing the early morning
When I eventually resumed with my addiction to Kindle Unlimited’s romance stories, I resumed my whining about the errors. Until one day my husband got so exasperated with my complaints that he (practically) snarled, “Why don’t you write your own?!” It wasn’t the first time he was telling me to do so, but it was the first time I thought I should. So, I did.
I started sometime in April 2018. I had a few really productive spurts and enjoyed the story so much that I would laugh sometimes as the images and dialogue unfurled in my mind. I could hear them and feel their emotions. I had a lot of time on my hands as I was unemployed at the time so I would spend days just writing. When I had school, it was a challenge as I like to produce good work and doing so took time away from my writing. But I pressed doggedly along. At one point I stalled; just couldn’t think of where to go with what I had. I was impatient as I had school and had started a program that would get me back into the working world, and so I started resenting the story. What the hell am I writing anyway? Who is going to read it? Who cares that I am doing a really good job of editing and proofing as I write? Nobody cares because it’s not important that I get the grammar correct. No. One. Cares! The proof is in all those books that have been published and they boast 5-star reviews but are...rife with errors!
Over Christmas of that year I decided to finish my book and publish it on Kindle Unlimited for my birthday, February 10, 2019. Anyone who knows me well knows I am technologically challenged. So, getting my document into the template was a nightmare! I was trying to do this without help - pride is a hell of a thing. Desperation caused me to finally reach out to an old colleague who had recently published a book. That didn’t go anywhere. I decided I was not going to ask for help again. I hunkered down and read ‘till my eyes got crossed and finally figured out how to upload to Kindle. Oh, what a joyous moment!
My husband and children had watched me fight to write this story. My older daughter had read a bit of it once as she passed me at the dining table (where I do everything), and swore that I had corrupted her mind with the graphic scene she’d read. She didn’t read any more. My husband tried to read a bit, but was (jokingly) outraged that I was writing a story about a man with blond hair and blue eyes who was built! Hey, I had jumped on the BWWM (Black Woman White Man or man of ethnicity besides Black) bandwagon that was racing through Kindle Unlimited’s free offerings.
Anyway, my book went live on February 8, 2019. It was a proud moment for me. My husband was filled with so much pride that I had done what he knew I could do. My girls were equally proud because they had witnessed my stressful process and how I had managed to rise above it. Publishing that book caused me to take a serious look at myself and helped me to wash away doubts that had plagued me for years that I could actually write, much less publish, a book.
When I visited the Amazon website and typed My Inevitable You by Alva Blair and it popped up, I cried. I was overwhelmed. I had really done it.
Of course, I promptly bought and reread it to see what errors had escaped my eagle eyes. I found a few, but nothing I couldn’t live with (cringe).
By Vasthiestefany Flores | Staff Writer
Regular exercise is fundamental to maintaining a good and healthy life and is recommended for everybody, including college students. And of course proper nutrition is a must!
It is never too late to start working out. It all begins with planning. If you have only 30 minutes or even just 10, take those minutes to incorporate physical activity into your day. Try to work on a specific goal that will make you feel better and stronger.
As of two months ago, I decided to take an hour of my day and focus on getting out of my chair and doing something fun, like running or doing exercises that focus on certain muscles.
Your schedule of work and classes may be tight, but it’s vital to bring in balance. Take little steps at first. With regard to nutrition, for example, instead of having a soda every day, how about one every other day? I’ll have one twice per week and drink more water. Getting healthy means making changes that will better benefit you now and later.
As fitness trainer Don Saladino says, “Being healthy isn’t a race, it’s a lifestyle, and it’s about making those better changes that will result in a balanced and improved way of living.”
The benefits of exercise and good nutrition cannot be overstated. Since I started on this path, I’ve noticed significant changes that have helped me to stay focused. The regular fatigue and tiredness I used to experience have slowly gone away, and I feel amazing.
Remember when you plan out your schedule for work and school to add that 30 minutes for physical activity, and get moving!
Photo by Liana Ferreira
Essays
My Body is Failing Me The Struggles of Kidney Failure, from Childhood to Adulthood
By Destene Savariau | Senior Staff Writer
It was spring of 2010 in Snellville, Georgia. I had been sick for weeks, continually vomiting and passing out around the small apartment. My mother and everyone else around me didn’t know what was wrong. I was taken to emergency rooms from Lawerenceville to Decatur. All had doctors who just told us “it’s just the flu” or “it’s just acid reflux.” It wasn’t until I was taken to a holistic medical facility called Progressive that I found out I had kidney failure. Of course, that only happened after many extensive and kind of gross tests, the most difficult of which was having to swallow a camera pill, which was actually kind of cool. It was difficult and uncomfortable, but interesting nonetheless. After those tests, we went home and came back the next day to hear the results. It was me, my mother, my two aunts, and my two siblings. My siblings sat in the waiting room playing with one of my aunts, while my mother, my closest aunt, and 11-year-old me sat in the crisp white room in anticipation, the tension killing us. Or killing them at least, I was practically half passed out. By the time the doctor came in with the results, all I remember hearing was “kidney failure” and “lucky to be alive.”
The most specific term of my condition would be acute renal failure. It is where both of my kidneys stop working due to loss of ability to filter the waste from your body and balance fluids. To solve this until transplant, the patient will receive dialysis. This treatment will do the kidney’s job of removing excess water and toxins from the blood. Though this condition is somewhat minor in its manageability, it also has a domino effect on the rest of the body, causing high blood pressure, cardiovascular or heart problems, and lungs weakening.
After that, I was blacking out repeatedly until one day I woke up in a hospital bed in the Intensive Care Unit of Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta - Egleston Hospital. I had a catheter in my thigh running hemodialysis, tubes up my nose and down my throat. I was on bed rest and on heaps of drugs, keeping me high as hell and unaware of my surroundings for a good month. My family was devastated and heartbroken. It was scary! When I was finally a bit more stable, I was still stuck on bed rest. At least there were no more tubes in my nose and throat, and I was able to eat. After about another two weeks, I was moved to residential floor nine. After that, my hospital stay was actually enjoyable.
As a child in a fully dedicated children’s hospital, there were always activities to keep me entertained. Arts and crafts on Mondays, bingo on Wednesdays, and movie night on Fridays, not to mention the teen room with board games and game systems on the floor, the library with tons of books and movies to rent, and a plethora of volunteers who would come and play with you. Hell, I even got to hold a hedgehog when the zoo came to visit us. Honestly, I remember the last month of my stay in the hospital as very pleasant. Luckily after an uneventful year, I got a kidney transplant from a deceased donor in Hurricane Sandy. It takes three hours to put me to sleep, cut open my abdomen, set in the kidney, and close me up with staples and glue. And I don’t mean the office kind. This gave me a working kidney in place of my old ones and led to my life going back to a new normal due to a few permanent changes. The main
one being having to take medicine every day to prevent my body from rejecting the foreign kidney.
This kind of adjustment, especially as a child, was hard. But I got through it with my family and friends’ overwhelming support and an overall positive idea of what it meant to be sick. Whether I was in the hospital or not, friends from school would send me cards. People from my mother’s church would supply me with an endless battalion of teddy bears. Even the hospital staff showered me with gifts to keep me comfortable. Although I was sick, I felt like I lived in luxury, even after my health improved with the kidney transplant. However, this wouldn’t last as in 2019, when my transplant kidney would fail, and I would end up right back at square one.
When I was a Housatonic freshman, my health was deteriorating, and I didn’t know why. My blood pressure was slowly rising. My blood work levels were becoming more and more unstable. I had more frequent visits to the hospital, which was a giant inconvenience to my educational career. It got to the point where my transplant kidney finally just gave out. At first, I thought things would be like when I was younger; oh boy, was I wrong. Being sick as an adult is nothing like being sick as a child. It was a colossal inconvenience, fewer gifts and attention; the hospital wasn’t as fun. Most of all, it was a lot more responsibility. I had to make extreme changes to my diet, including water intake, to prevent any more stress to my kidney.
I take medicines and monitor my ever-rising blood pressure twice a day; I take pills for my resulting lung and heart problems. On top of that, I have to write down everything I eat and drink to watch my food intake and its correlation to my blood pressure. This time around, being sick actually really sucked. It was hard balancing all this newfound responsibility, as I had only recently transitioned into adulthood. Of course, I had a stable support system, but most of the duties fell on my shoulders, and I didn’t know how to handle it or balance it all. I was already struggling with school, work, and my newfound adulthood. Having to dedicate so much time to my duties on top of that began to take its toll. I ended up slacking off on my daily rituals by missing doses of my meds and not taking care of myself the way I should be. This resulted in one of the scariest experiences of my life.
It was late morning, and I wasn’t feeling very well. I had shortness of breath and chest pain that wouldn’t go away. When I checked my blood pressure, it was high due to the missing dosages: 200/126 high. I started to freak out, which
Photo by my father Conrad.
Illustration by Saida Hmami
only added fuel to the flames, and called the ambulance. When they arrived, they immediately whisked me away to the nearest hospital. On the way there, I suddenly lost sight, which caused me to panic. The sirens began to blast as they rushed to Bridgeport Hospital. Everything went downhill from there. My eyes were stuck in the back of my head, and all I could do was listen to my surroundings. Doctors were yelling, nurses rushing, security trying to hold me down as I panicked even more. Then everything just stopped. The last thing I remember was feeling a strange jolt in my body as the voices around me began to get increasingly louder. Until they faded away, and I felt a sharp pinch in my neck. When I woke up, it took me a while to get my bearings. The doctor said; my eyes rolled back as an early sign of a seizure, which led to a stroke. Hearing that shook me to my core. Luckily, there were no long-standing side effects. Still, it provided me with a traumatic reminder that I needed to take care of myself.
Trying to live life with this condition is an uphill battle, one that I sometimes feel that I’m losing. Seeing as how this is a condition that I’m still going through, it’s still something I am trying to overcome. My leading solutions are to find creative ways to stay positive and to take every day at a time. This can sometimes be challenging, especially with the constant routine of pills and early morning dialysis sessions. But it helps to find fun activities that I can associate with my medical ones. When I have dialysis, I watch TV and play on my Nintendo Switch. When I have hospital visits, I try as hard as I can to treat it like a hotel vacation. (Just without all the needle probing and nurse visits.) I read comics at doctor’s appointments while I wait and always treat myself to a nice lunch afterwards. Being sick the second time around may not be the same experience as when I was a kid, but I’m making the best of it. That’s all I can do until I find someone willing to donate a kidney. If you or anyone you know is willing to donate, please visit nkr.org/bhv679.
In Pursuit of the Perfect Pet?
Consider Getting a Small Furbaby!
By Amanda Mainieri | Staff Writer
Illustration b y L i a n a Fe rre ira
Are you living in a small space, but yearning for a pet? Consider getting a hamster! A hamster is the perfect pet if you don’t like big clean-ups. And even though they are small, you’ll receive a lot of love from them.
There are several different breeds of hamsters. The most basic are Syrians, Chinese Dwarf, Roborovski Dwarf, Winter White Dwarf, and Campbell Dwarf. However, two stand out: Syrians are typically larger than Dwarf hamsters and are easier to handle; the Dwarf may need some extra taming time, but both are cute.
All you need for basic hamster care is a cage, some bedding, chew toys, and water and food such as fresh veggies like carrots, squash, and broccoli or hamster pellets from the store. If you’d like to treat your new furry friend, buy some extra sweet treats such as raisins, banana chips, or even popcorn. This can be useful in the taming process as a reward, or just to give your hammy something special!
Taming a hamster requires both time and patience, but once you’re done, you can have your furbaby sit in your hands and watch T.V. with you! So, if you feel like your living space is not conducive to having a dog or cat, don’t worry. A hamster is always just as nice an option, without a long term commitment, as they only live 1 - 2 years. Are you intrigued? Go run to your local pet store, and pick up a hamster now!
Perseverance is Key; Personal Essays Stay Motivated
By Sean Stewart | Senior Staff Writer
College started off well. In my first semester at Penn State I was able to keep up with the work, managing a 3.3 GPA while also making some new friends. While I was there I wanted to become an advertising and public relations major. My dream was to create advertisements for a company or write comedy skits for Saturday Night Live. My second semester started well but quickly things started to go wrong.
I began to feel extremely fatigued and sick during the day and not like myself at all. Ultimately a doctor discovered a vitamin deficiency that I was most likely dealing with for a long time but became exacerbated during my time at school. While luckily it was something that was an easy fix it was also something that would take time for me to recover from. While I was dealing with these health issues I began to fall behind in my classwork and it became clear that I needed to leave the college environment in order to recover and start to feel like myself again without the stress of completing a full load of college coursework. I decided to withdraw from their University Park campus and come home.
Right after I came home I worked my job at Fairfield Parks and Recreation and tried to keep busy, but I really started to question myself. I was wondering whether I would be able to go back to college and succeed in a college environment. I really thought I had failed as a student. After feeling down for some time, I realized that I needed to regain some confidence in myself and my abilities as a person. That’s when I started getting into working out at the gym. I found the weights to be extremely therapeutic to me at that time in my life. I was able to get in better shape and become healthier while also letting go of the stress and self doubt that I had gained since leaving college. I pushed limits and became stronger week by week. Having found this new outlet,t I was able to enter community college classes the following fall confidently with a clear mind.
Going to the gym helped provide me with motivation. My next goal became getting my associates degree from Housatonic, which I plan on finishing this semester. I began taking all of the classes required to meet the Communications requirement and really liked them. I particularly liked public speaking and the English class I took.
During my time at HCC, my career goals changed. I became more interested in working in sports. Someday I would like to be a coach, manage a team, or work in the public relations department in any basketball or baseball league. I loved playing baseball in high school and have realized that I really miss having the game in my life. My next step in college is to pursue classes, clubs, and jobs that will ultimately bring me closer to reaching my goal.
Personal Essays
Why Let an Autoimmune Disease Stop You In Your Tracks?
By Gabriella Castorina | Senior Staff Writer
“C ome on! Hold it! Hold that push-up!” hollered one of the TaeKwon-Do instructors from the computer screen, as shooting pain began to escalate from the tip of my fingers on my left hand down my whole arm. Monday August 17, 2020 was a day I was never going to forget. It not only ruined the rest of my year, but made me more of a mentally and physically stronger person almost a year later.
The more pain I was in, the more I was crying and not wanting to move or anything, changing my sleeping position, the way I sat down and did things. At one point I finally said to my mother, “I need to see a doctor because I do not know what’s wrong with me.” I took the phone off the kitchen table and made the appointment with an orthopedic doctor.
The day of the appointment, I was absolutely a nervous wreck because I was still unaware of what was going on, and questions were racing through my mind: “What’s going to happen?” “Is it a heart problem?” “Would I have to stop TaeKwon-Do?” The doctor had felt my upper body that was in pain and mentioned that it was a strained muscle. I thought, “Oh great…” and he then told me that I was unable to do TaeKwon-Do for a while, which ended up breaking my heart.
After that, I went home and laid down on the couch with a heating pad against me. Then, I began to feel my chest aching and this wave of an overwhelming feeling came crashing down onto me, causing me to cry and pant heavily. Next thing you know, a panic attack began to take over, which ended up making me have pain in my chest. I was sobbing so hard that I was not able to stop. As the days went by, the only thing I was able to do was watch TaeKwon-Do class on the side but still observe the students no matter what. “Make sure you are in a walking stance, fifty percent of the weight on your front leg and fifty percent on the back as well but keep your back leg straight!” There were a few times where I was told to work with a group even though I was not “in uniform.”
However, the amount of times I went to observe the classes that were being held, it began to make me feel some type of emotion where I was isolated from my peers because I was not there with them in that line. While laying on the couch balling my eyes out, my mom approached me and then proceeded to ask me, “Why don’t you go watch a class tonight?” All of a sudden, I broke down and started to scream at the top of my lungs, “DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?! I DO NOT WANT TO GO WATCH BECAUSE I AM NOT THERE AS A STUDENT WITH EVERYONE ELSE, DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT IT BREAKS MY DANG HEART!?” I knew she wanted to yell at me for the way I just yelled at her but I did not care, it was my job to speak my mind in order for her to understand that feeling isolated from my peers makes me feel like complete garbage.
As Friday approached, I received a text from my boss. She wanted me to come into work to help with an event. During this time, we were understaffed over at the country club, which meant I had no other choice but to work with a limited capacity. The only problem was I was not able to lift anything because I did not want to put any more strain onto the pectoral area of my chest, and I had to mention that to her! “Hey Gerti, I am unable to lift heavy materials such as loads of dishes and other necessary material due to the fact that I injured myself in online TaeKwon-Do, no I did not kick
anybody’s butt haha but I just wanted to inform you that I have to limit myself with certain requirements.” After the text was sent, she texted me immediately and told me she understood, and was accepting that I did not want to hurt myself more while trying to maintain a hard-working work ethic. For the amount of times I worked, I was unable to lift anything but still able to put bread rolls on the plate, clear dirty dishes and glasses which I thought was a better idea!
Whereas the pain continued from my left arm to my right arm, my mom and I were able to get in touch with a neurologist located in Bridgeport, Connecticut, and he was very helpful with everything by analyzing, asking questions and doing some type of tests although, the only available appointment was November 2nd of 2020. I thought to myself, “SO ARE YOU TELLING ME I CANNOT DO ANYTHING FOR A FEW MORE MONTHS?”
THREE MONTHS LATER…
NOVEMBER 2ND 2020
“Come on mom! I don’t want to be late!” At times like these, I was always the first one to be ready because I dread being late to everything. On the way there, I began to feel a rush of nervousness roll over me, “Mom...what if I have nerve damage? What if I’m not able to be as active as I was before?”
At the stoplight she looked at me and said, “Honey I am sure you will be fine, you are just nervous.”
As we got there, the tension inside of me built. Texts and calls I was receiving from family and friends were coming up on my phone. “Good luck Gabby,” “I hope you can get back,” “You got this,” “You are the strongest person ever and you have been through a lot,” I heard a voice call me over into the room…”Gabriella!” I smiled through the mask as usual and walked into the testing room. The nurse had asked me a bunch of questions such as, “How are you feeling?” “What vitamins are you taking?” Of course I answered them by saying, “I still feel like garbage, and the same old vitamins I have been taking for years.” She looked at me and said, “Put this gown on and the neurologist will be with you shortly.” After she handed it to me and shut the door, I begin to take everything off and put the gown on immediately because I just want to find out if I really have nerve damage or If I am okay, that’s all that mattered! *KNOCK KNOCK* “Gabriella!” The door opens and the neurologist, Dr. T, walks in. “Hello how are you doing?” I looked at him and just said, “Eh I’m doing alright, not really that scared as I was before since I watched Youtube videos on what an EMG procedure is.” He then looks at me and we both just start laughing, “So you came prepared I see!?” He mentions as he gets everything ready. As an hour went by full of little stickers, jolt machines, and needles were all over my arms, we looked over at the screen. “You do not have any nerve damage, everything seems to be completely normal!” That was when a huge weight full of fear came off of my shoulders and made me feel a lot better than ever before. “Doc... just one question, can I go back to TaeKwon-Do?” He then looked at me and said, “Yes but you may have to limit some things, talk to your instructors and see what you can do.” I looked at him and said, “Oh I’ll just yell at the kids like I usually do, yelling is my thing since I am
Italian!” After the appointment was over, I texted my mom that everything was okay and good to go.
However, I still kept feeling the amount of aches and pains rushing through my body, which led to heart palpitations inside of my chest going crazy and making me cry like there was no tomorrow.
Now November 3, 2020, it was late at night and apparently, one of my friends who I do TaeKwon-Do with asked my mom about me one phone call, “How come Gabby has not been training with us?” “Is she okay?” She then hands me the phone, “Hello?”
Both him and I talk for about twenty minutes, and then we both had to go because the presidential debate was on.
While fasting forward two days later, I received blood work from my naturopathic physician and something with my thyroglobulin antibodies was off. “What in the name of gravy is that?” My mom and I emailed the naturopath to ask what it was and if it’s a serious thing I should take caution of. Ten minutes later, an email pops up on my mom’s computer...it was from him…
