Bulletin Board

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details were sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

A manager at the local Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four candidates who appeared to be qualified.

She decided to call all of them in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which one would get the job. The manager asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”

The first candidate replied, “A thought. It just pops into your head.”

The second applicant chimed in. “A blink,” she said. “It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened.”

The manager turned to the third person, who said, “The speed of light.”

Impressed with all the answers, the manager looked to the fourth person for his reply.

He said, “Based on what I’ve just heard, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea. You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink and turn on the light, it was too late.”

He got the job.

A pastor climbed to the top of a mountain in the Holy Land to talk to God, asking Him, “What does a million years mean to you?”

God replied, “A minute.”

The pastor asked another question: “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

God replied, “A penny.”

“Can I have a penny?” asked the reverend.

God replied, “In a minute.”

l I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. l Borrow money from pessimists; they don’t expect it back. l Half the people you know are below average. l 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. l 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. l A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. l A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. l If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain. l The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. l I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. l OK, so what’s the speed of dark? l How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink? l If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. l Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. l When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. l Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. l Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off immediately. l I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

l Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. l What happens if you get scared half to death twice? l Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? l If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. l A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. l Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. l The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. l The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. l The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. l The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. l If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. l Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. l I think I’m beginning to lose my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK. l Marriages are made in heaven. But then, so are thunder and lightning.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m.; prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.