thepulse
ourveryown setsunprecedentedrecord
31,467connections
Harvey’sveryownMs.MichelleMorrishassetaglobalrecord onLinkedIn,aprofessionalnetworkingplatformusedby millionsworldwidetoconnectprofessionalsandsharecareer achievements
Ms MorrishasbeenontheHarveypayrollforyears,but beforehertimeworkinginindependentschools,shehasleda lengthycareerindevelopment,gastronomy,andpageant sectors.Now,sourcesattributeherasaninvaluableresourcein thecommunity,providingfood,advice,andjoytostudentsand facultyalike
In2022,HeadofSchoolMr.Knauerissuedanappealtothe HarveybusinessofficetoreallocatefundssoMs.Morriscould receiveadditionalcompensation.However,sherejectedthis budgetchange.
“IknowhowimportantthatWheelHouseistoMr Knauer, andI’mmorethanhappywithmyseven-figuresalaryasitis,” Ms.Morrissaid.
Inafiscalquarter,Ms.Morrishostsmultiplesoirées,inviting hundredsofgueststohercondominiuminCharleston,South Carolina Shehasbeenknowntoactasamatchmaker,allegedly settinguprealityTVstarandlongtimefriendLisaRinnawithher currenthusband,MorrisHQreports.
“Nottobrag,butIthinkmypartiesaresobelovedbecause weshipLaRoccasallthewayfromConnecticuttocater.”Ms. Morrissaid “Theyhavethebestmeats”
AnotherwayMs Morrishasreportedlyaccumulatedher LinkedInconnectionsissimplybyshowingactsofkindnessto peopleintheHarveycommunity.
“DuringmysevenyearsasaHarveystudent,IwouldfindMs MorrisinthebackofSheaeverydaytomakemefrozenchicken nuggets,”GaryNapoli‘25said.“Ithinkshemight’vebeen stealingthemfromMr.Johnson.”
GaryalsotoldThePulsethatimmediatelyafterwalkingoutof theFenstermacherAthleticCenterongraduationday,heopened theLinkedInapptorequestMs Morris
However,GaryisnottheonlystudentwhohasbolsteredMs. Morris’spopularityasaresultofherwarmth.StatisticianMr. “Charmander”Paguadapublishedastudyonthisphenomenon, concludingthatthereisadirectpositivecorrelationbetweenthe distributionofMorrisdinonuggetsandLinkedInconnections Thisfactoraccountsfor40%ofMorris’sconnections,thestudy reports.
Ms.Morrismighthavesetaworldrecordinnetworking,but thereismoretobedonetoensureshekeepsthis accomplishmentforherself AsofApril1,thecurrentItalian principessahas67fewerconnectionsthanMs Morris
“Weencourageallprospectiveparentstoclickthislinkto connectwithMs.Morris,”AssistantDirectorofAdmissionsMs. JessicaVicentestatedinanemailblast “Wecannotletanything dimhersparkle,becauseatHarvey,webringthebrighteststars intothelight”
ScreenshotofMs.Morris'sLinkedInprofile.Anonymously senttoThePulsebythe"PokémonRingLeader."
thepulse
thepulse | april1,2026issue
zazzysupreme andtheharveycelebs
bydylancoughlin
Sincethereleaseof“MartySupreme”onDec 25,2025, therehasbeenanuproarinpopularity,attractingmany pingpongfansandaspirationalshoesalesmen Another groupoffolksthatthemovieappealedtoistheadultmale lookingforahobby.Thesemenareever-curious,witha senseofchildlikewonder.
ThefabulousdivanamedMr Zazzarinosawthefilmand immediatelyfellinlovewithpingpong SinceDecember, hehaspracticedhispingpongskillseverydayforeight hours.Hissleepschedulemaybedisrupted,butMr. Zazzarinohasneverbeenhappier.PrincipessaZazahas evenincorporatedhisbestbuddiesintothepingpong profession
Ms TaylorandMr Cosciohavejoinedthetabletennis craze.Together,theyskiptheirlunchestoplaypingpong, eatingthepingpongballswhentheirtummiesstartto rumble.Ontheircheatdays,theygotoChili’stogetthe TripleDipper,orderingonlythemealsthathavesodium warnings Cholesterolishigh,butsoaretheirstandardsfor pingpong
ThistrioeventuallywenttotheOscarsinhopesthat theycouldcatchaglimpseofPapaTimothéeChalamet.Mr. ZazzarinogotTimmyT’sautographbeforedoingkaraoke withCynthiaErivoandArianaGrandeattheafter-party Allegedly,thegroupnowgetstheirhairdonetogether everySaturday
Also,duringtheOscars,thefantabulousMr.Bonita GriffinwonhisveryfirstOscarforbestdressed.The audiencecheeredandbegantochant“Griffy”beforeMr. Griffingavehisacceptancespeech,thankingMachiavelli andRousseau,ofcourse Ms Morriswonher20thOscar, althoughcriticsaresayingthatsheusedherdevilishcharm andnumeroussocialconnectionstoacquireit.
Left:HarveyTeachersattheGoldenGlobesRedCarpet, TakenbyPrincipessaZaza
Right:MartySupremeMoviePostertakenandeditedby PrincipessaZaza
AsidefromthePoké-madness,Harveyhasbeguntocraft itsownawardshowtoprofitfromtheteacher'ssuccess, whichwillfeaturemusicalguestsfromtheKhiaAsylumlike BebeRexha,KimPetras,andourfavoritegirlwho’son probation,ZaraLarson.Thequeenofcrafts,Ms.Nokes,has agreedtoworkoncostumingaslongasHarveyusesthe rarestmaterialsonthemarket.
Oprahhasendorsedthisproject,saying,“Yougetan awardshow,andyougetanawardshow,andyougetan awardshow!”Watchoutkids,becauseHarveyhasadiva infestation,andit’snotgoingawayanytimesoon.
thepulse
thepulse | april1,2026issue
gottacatch‘emall: thepokémongamblingring
bylexivaughan-johnson
Breakingnews!AsecretundergroundPokémon gamblingring,runbyHarvey’steachers,hasbeenbrewing underneathTheHarveySchool!So,onApril1,ThePulse investigatedtogettothebottomofit
Ifyouhaveseenpostersaroundtheschoolaboutthe after-schoolprogram“MathwithMcDonough,”justknow thatalgebraandcalculusarenottheonlythingyou’llbe learningabout Thisprogramwasonlyacleverrusesetup byMr McDonoughtomanageandrunthisunderground Pokémonring WhenThePulseinterviewedMr McDonoughaboutwhyhewantedtoestablishthesecret Pokémonring,hesaid,“Iwanttobetheverybest,likeno onewasbefore.”
PhotoofMr O’Connell,Mr Johnson,Mr McDonough,PrincipessaZaza,andAidan Garciachargingforwardintheirfightfor thePokémoncause.
HintsofthePokémonringbeganpoppinguparoundthe Harveycampuswithvariousactsofoddbehavior.Students andfacultybeganclaimingthattheprinterneededmore Inka,andtheywantedMagnemiteforphysicslabs Extreme poweroutageshavestruckTheHarveySchoolwitha mysteriousmousebythenameofPikachubeingthe apparentculprit.Itseemsthatthemouseproblemwill neverquiteberesolvedwithinHarvey’shalls.
ThePokémonringseemstohavereachedbeyondThe HarveySchoolandintoNewYorkCitywithRattatas spreadingtheword.ThePulsetraveledintotheBigApple andfoundastudentwhohasbecomeabsolutelyobsessed withthePokémonlifestyle.AidanGarciaisthePokémon ring’sstarplayerwhomakessuretospendallhistime dedicatedtothePokémongrind
Luckily,ThePulsewasabletoenteroneofthese exclusivetradingposts,andwefoundAidanpractically stucktothecouch,coveredinPokémoncards.ThePulse inquiredabouthowhewasabletoacquiresomany Pokémoncards,towhichhesaid,“Everyhourofmylifeis spentperfectingmycraft Nothingwillstopmeinmy pursuittoexpandmyPokémonarmy!”
WhenMr.Fordeheardofthisatrociousorganization,he said,“I’vegottacatch‘emall!”andstolealltheirbeloved Pokémoncardstotakehisrightfulvengeance.ThePulse soughtoutMr McDonough’sthoughtsaboutthenews,and hesaid,“Everychallengealongthewaywithcourage,Iwill face Iwillbattleeverydaytoclaimmyrightfulplace”
Mr.McDonoughstoodalongsidePrincipessaZaza,Mr. O’Connell,Mr.Johnson,andAidanGarciaastheychanted, “Armandarm,we’llwinthefight.It’salwaysbeenour dream”
thepulse
mr.paguada’s mastermindstatisticstakeover
OverthecourseofhisthreeyearsteachingatHarvey,Mr Paguadahasentrancedstudentsonthetopicsofstatistics, calculus,andpre-calc.Withsuchskillsunderhiscontrol,itled ThePulsetowonderwhatelsehemightbedoingwithhis statisticsmastery.ThefollowinginterviewrevealsthatMr. PaguadahassecretlybeengatheringdataonHarveytotake overtheschool!TaylorSwiftmightevensay,“Itwasallinhis design,causeheisamastermind”!
ThePulse:Thankyoufortakingthetimetomeetwithus,Mr. Paguada!
Mr Paguada:IhavealwayshadadmirationforThePulseand wouldlovetocontribute
ThePulse:ThePulsewouldliketolearnmoreaboutreal-world applicationsofstatistics.
Mr Paguada:Well,ofcourse!Ioftenusemydeepknowledge ofstatisticstotrytopredictandinfluenceoutcomes
ThePulse:Wouldyousayyoufeelyouhaveabetter understandingofthemechanicsandworkingsofTheHarvey Schoolasaresultofyourstatisticalobservations?
Mr Paguada:Well,yes Mystatisticsskills,accompaniedwith myyearsofobservationsofTheHarveySchool,haveallowed metogainanabundanceofinsightintotheinnerworkingsand systemsofourschool.
ThePulse:Veryinteresting!Howlonghaveyoubeengathering dataonourschooltoenhanceyourknowledge?
Mr Paguada:SinceDayOne Duringmyfrees,Idon'tjustwork ongradingtests.IgatherinsightandtakenotesoneverythingI see.Myknowledgeofstatisticshasallowedmetopredict eventsmonthsahead.Forexample,Ihavepredictedthatthe schoolwillsoonbeinfestedwithPokémoncharacters.
ThePulse:So,youhavebeenplanningandgathering informationontheschooltogaininsightonitsinnerworkings?
Mr Paguada:Let’sjustsayIlaidthegroundwork,andthen,just likeclockwork,thedominoescascadedinaline.Andthiswillbe offtherecord,butwhatifItoldyouI’mamastermind?
ThePulse:Well,thankyou,Mr.Paguada,fortakingthetimeto sharewithThePulse!
Mr Paguada:Youareverywelcome!
ThePulsehasconductedfurtherinvestigationandhasfound thatMr.Paguadahasfilesuponfilesofdatagatheredfromhis yearsatTheHarveySchool Anonymousdormstudentshave commentedonseeingdormparentMr Paguadasneaking aroundthelibraryandCarterHallatnightwithapadandpaper takingnotes.
DormershavealsoinformedThePulsethatMr.Paguada seemstohavedrawerswithnumerouspapersofwhatseemsto bedatagatheredthroughasimplerandomsampleofthe Harveypopulation Suchevidencegatheredmustleadusto wonder:WhatelseisMr Paguadausinghisknowledgeof statisticsfor?
FollowingallinformationgatheredfromMr.Paguada’s interviewandinsightfromdormers,ThePulsehadonemore questiontoaskofMr Paguada:“Howhaveyougatheredso muchdataonTheHarveySchoolwithoutanyoneknowing?”Mr Paguadareplied,“Amastermindneverrevealshissecrets!"
Mr Paguada, whofrontsa scary statistics scandal, holdinga crystalball Photo creditsto Principessa Zaza
byanafailla
thepulse
bringyourpet toschoolday
Bringingpetstoschoolhasbeendemandedby many,andafteralongdebatebetweenthe studentcouncil,adecisionwasmade.EveryFriday wouldbeknownas“BringYourPettoSchool Day”
AllseemedwellontheHarveycampus,with peoplebringingtheirbeloveddogs,cats,anda fewsnakes.Mr.McDonoughevenbroughtasmall mousethathepaintedyellow.Thatwasuntilthe scienceteachers’miceescapedandheaded straightforthecafeteria
Admin,whowasnotinformedofthisnew Harveyevent,heardthecommotionandsentMr. Fordetocatchtherunawaymice.Asthiswas happening,Mr.Griffinwasshowinghisclasshow heusedhisyearsofMMAtrainingtosuccessfully tameabear
Suddenly,Mr Osborne’scowsbrokelooseand startedtorunthroughthewallsoftheschool, destroyingeverythingintheirpath.WhenMr. Osbornewasquestionedabouttheirbehavior,he respondedwithasimple“Oops”Thecowshave sincebeenarrestedbylocalauthorities
Onestudentendedupbringinga300-pound silverbackgorilla.ThegorillatookoverShea Cottageandatotalof101menweresenttoclaim thehouseback.Itwasalongbattle,but eventually,thegorillawasdefeated,andShea Cottagewassaved
Asallofthischaoswasoccurring,thePokémon fromtheundergroundfightingringstartedto escapeandrunaroundthecampus.Theanimals andhumanscametogether,andMs Holmes’scat, Chai,madeatemporarypeacetreatywith everyonetokickallthePokémonoutbecause theyarenotrealanimals page67
PokemonVs.AnimalsandHumanscourt caseledbyChai.Imagecreditsto PrincipessaZaza STAFF
OnceallthePokémonhadbeenevicted,the animalswentbacktodestroyingeverything. CarterHallwasturnedintoatemporaryzooto havesomewheretoputanyanimalsthatwere successfullycaptured Intotalthereweretwo lions,onegorilla,600mice,Bigfoot,60cats,75 dogs,onePikachu,fivesnakes,andanopossum.
Afterallthecreatureshadsuccessfullybeen caught,Ms Morrisusedherconnectionsand calledanimalcontrol,whowerequickly overwhelmedandhadtoretreat.Thisledtoall theanimalsbreakingoutofcontainment,and theycontinuedtobeoutofcontrol.Eventually, thestudentcouncilcametogetheranddecided thattheyneededtocancel“BringYourPetto SchoolDay”
Everyonewasdisappointedandsenthomefor theday,andMr.Knauerhadtoeraseeveryone’s mindsusingtechnologyhegotfromtheMenin Black
Writers:
Logan Kreisberg
Ana Failla Charmander
Jared Paguada
Lexi Vaughan-Johnson
Regina Phalange
Aiden Tarpey
Gary Napoli
Dylan Coughlin
Photojournalists:
Principessa Zaza
Timothée Chalamet
Faculty Advisors:
Ms. Holmes
Ms. Morris
French Fries
byaidentarpey