happiful - Issue 4 July 2017

Hea l thy Ideas that Change the Wor ld

July 2017

magazine

Dear Deidre

& Friends

Meet Britain’s Best Agony Aunts!

Take Your Mind on a Fantastic Adventure happiful.com | ÂŁ 4 . 0 0 07

Ways to Live in the Moment

9

772514

373000

Jeff Brazier | My Journey from Grief to Happiness

Boost your

Body Soothe your

Soul

search

complementary therapies

near you therapy-directory.org.uk

Contents July 2017

THE UPLIFT 7 Can ketamine curb severe depression?

8 How our teenage years influence adult mental health 9 The wellbeing news wrap 10 Happiness in business: a little Buddha in your pocket 12 Visualising summertime stress 18 Featured charity: TheraPaws sets tails wagging 20 What is therapist drift?

23 happiful hacks

FEATURES 30 50 mindful summer activities 40 Jeff Brazier on grief 43 The point of acupuncture 47 Agony aunts open up

TRUE LIFE 55 Personal journeys 70 Ask the experts 74 In a perfect world 75 Write for happiful

Visit happiful.com for extended articles, features and interviews

Welcome | The Team

Thought for July

EDITOR’S MESSAGE

‘To see a World in a Grain of Sand, and a Heaven in a Wild Flower, hold Infinity in the palm of your hand, and Eternity in an hour’ – William Blake

Make hay, not war.

When our rural ancestors spoke about gathering crops while the sun shines, they weren’t looking to buy the farm. When opportunities are presented to us, we should embrace the moment before the magic fades. Because life, like the British weather, is uncertain.

June was a traumatic, devastating, unbearable month.

But after destruction comes rebirth, renewal and transformation. July is a perfect time to make a change.

Jake Hamilton Editor

Wherever you are, stop for a minute and take a look around. There are wildflowers waiting by the roadside, and blackbirds whistling in the trees. It’s not cool to ignore mother nature. She’s unfolding the fruits of her labour before our eyes, so why reject what’s absolutely free?

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This month’s happiful moments Editorial Editor | Jake Hamilton Writer | Rebecca Thair rebecca.thair@happiful.com Graphic Designer | Amy-Jean Burns amy.burns@happiful.com Contributors Kat Nicholls, Ellen Hoggard, Becky Wright, Fe Robinson, Loren Conner, Italo Abri, Yvonne Abri, Monica Lannom, Christine Bailey, Gemma Calvert, Lucy Cavendish, Hope Virgo, James Mowat, Nina Plapp, Carl Rosier-Jones, Lacey London Special Thanks Jo Ferguson, Graeme Orr, Fe Robinson, Mark Rackley, Nathan Fox, Liam Modlin, Christine Black, Rachel Coffey, Aira Mahandru, Gordana Petrovic Marketing Marketing Manager | Matt Holman matthew@memiah.co.uk PR Manager | Amie Sparrow amie.sparrow@memiah.co.uk

WE MET RUBY WAX!

Digital Marketing and Brand Ambassadors Mel Marney, Carl Burton, Emily Attewell Communications Communications Team Leader | Kat Nicholls katherine@memiah.co.uk Ellen Hoggard | Communications Executive ellenhoggard@memiah.co.uk Becky Wright | Communications Executive rebecca@memiah.co.uk Management Director & Co-Founder | Aimi Maunders Director & Co-Founder | Emma White Advisor & Co-Founder | Paul Maunders Finance Director | Steve White happiful c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley Surrey, GU15 3YL

CARL AND

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The opinions, views and values expressed in happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values.

Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We do not accept liability for products and/or services offered by third parties.

Memiah Limited is a private company limited by shares and registered in England and Wales with company number 05489185 and VAT number GB 920805837.

Our registered office address is Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL.

4 • happiful • July 2017

CAKE!

Festival SEASON

Introducing the professionals behind happiful who help to ensure we deliver the highest quality advice JEFF BRAZIER

For this issue, we spoke with author and life coach Jeff Brazier about grief and single parenthood

AIRA MAHANDRU

Rachel Coffey BA MA NLP Mstr is a life coach looking to encourage confidence and motivation

FE ROBINSON

Fe Robinson MUKCP (Reg), MBACP (Reg) is a psychotherapist and clinical supervisor.

Fe advises on our content

50p From

(Each month, we’ll choose a charity to donate 50p from every copy sold.

See p18 for this month’s charity!)

every copy sold

goes to charity

MARK RACKLEY

ORR

Graeme Orr MBACP (Accred), UKRCP Reg Ind counsellor is our specialist in relationships

Aira Mahandru BA (Hons) DipNT mBANT mNNA mIFM CNHC is a registered nutritional therapist

RACHEL COFFEY

GRAEME

Dr Mark Rackley CPsychol AFBPsS is a psychologist covering topics including anxiety and trauma DEIDRE SANDERS

NATHAN FOX

Nathan Fox MBACP Adv Dip Counselling covers a range of issues including PTSD and depression

Also this issue, we chatted with the UK’s most beloved agony aunt about her incredible commitment

For every tree used to print this magazine, we’ll ensure two are planted or grown.

Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly, we source all our paper from FSC certified sources. The FSC label guarantees that the trees harvested are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity.

This magazine is FSC certified. Please help us preserve our planet by recycling happiful. Why not pass on your copy to a friend afterwards? Alternatively, please place it in a recycling bin.

July 2017 • happiful • 5

The Uplift | News

The

Positive news that transforms the world

UPLIFT Healthy news

7

A little Buddha in your pocket

10

Spotting the signs of summertime stress

12

Animal therapy for dementia

18

What is therapist drift?

20

happiful hacks 23

6 • happiful • July 2017

Positive ISSUES

INFO

Ketamine – ‘Nothing has helped before’

KETAMINE: THE FACTS Street name: Ket, Special K, Green, Donkey Dust.

What is it?

A powerful anaesthetic which stops you feeling pain. Ketamine is used for operations on humans and animals.

The effects: Ketamine can cause a loss of feeling in the body, and can lead to you experiencing a distortion of reality.

The class: Ketamine is a Class B controlled drug.

The law: Ketamine is banned. Possession can lead to up to five years in prison and/or an unlimited fine. Supplying ketamine can result in up to 14 years in jail.

NEWS

Ketamine treatment for depression ‘should be rolled out’ Research supports the use of the ‘club drug’ in treating severe depression, but scientists urge caution Doctors and psychologists are calling for the use of ketamine in treating severe depression to be rolled out nationwide.

At least two million people in the UK live with depression, with approximately 158,000 (roughly 8%) having a severe condition that resists standard treatment options such as antidepressants or cognitive behavioural therapy.

A treatment centre at Warneford Hospital, Oxford, provides an NHS Foundation Trust ketamine service to people with severe depression, and has found 40% of patients showing continued improvement after taking the Class B substance.

Dr Rupert McShane, who conducted the trials, and whose study was published in The Lancet Psychiatry, says treatment with ketamine could work on patients with severe depression “where nothing has helped before”.

The NHS provides a paid-for service for patients who have been referred by their GP or psychiatrist. Before treatment, patients are assessed by a psychiatrist to confirm their suitability.

Initial treatment consists of three ketamine infusions over three weeks. One patient involved in the treatment said: “The first

ketamine infusion literally saved my life.” Currently, doctors are allowed to prescribe the drug as a licensed anaesthetic. However, with ketamine being used as an unlicensed treatment for depression, the drug is referred to as “off-label”.

Ketamine’s association as a recreational “party drug” means treatment without sufficient scientific research could possibly lead to a public backlash, and there are concerns Dr McShane’s ground-breaking findings could be shelved without the proper investment for research, drug-testing and the regulating of ketamine prescriptions.

More funding is required to ensure the authorities fully understand how to prescribe the drug, to guarantee patients don’t become dependent on it, and to know the optimum dosage and periods of time to prescribe it for.

Without monitoring, the UK could follow the US in having private ketamine clinics that vary in their clinical checks.

Further research is also required into ketamine’s safety and efficacy before it can be licensed for treatment. We hope to report on more developments in the near future.

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The Uplift | News

LIFE

‘Levels of emotional stability are an indicator of serious mental illness’

Do you sometimes want to eat little baby toes?

Research suggests opposing emotions expose hidden motivations

SOCIETY

Teenage years may determine our mental health – new study Scientists find connection between adolescent personality and the risks of serious mental illness Our teenage years are a time of raging hormones, biological changes and emotional flashpoints, so it may come as no surprise that our adolescent personality could be an indicator of our mental health in later life.

A recent study published in JAMA Psychiatry by Joseph F Hayes et al. looked at more than one million Swedish men from when they enrolled in the Swedish military in their late teens between January 1974 and December 1997, and then analysed the data for all inpatient treatment episodes for these men between 1974 and the end of December 2011.

The researchers found that levels of emotional stability are an indicator of serious mental illness (SMI), with those who were less emotionally stable – a common thread in adolescence – being more likely to develop a SMI. Tellingly, they also found social maturity was an indicator for bipolar disorder, with those at either end of the scale – less socially mature or very socially mature – being more likely to develop bipolar disorder.

As with any study, there are limitations on how far we can generalise from these results, particularly with an all-male, all-Swedish, all-military sample. But reactions to the study have expanded the dialogue about behavioural wellbeing and adolescent experiences.

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THINK LIKE A CHILD A study published in Human Development suggests cognitive decline in age is a result of focused learning in our careers. In contrast, children have the whole world to discover. Their passions aren’t set in stone, so learning is more open-minded.

In other words, if we think like a child we can allow our passions and interests to thrive.

Ever experienced something so beautiful it makes you want to cry?

Scientists from Yale have studied the phenomenon of opposing emotions and found that it could be a case of an underlying motivation coming to the surface, rather than experiencing multiple reactions.

The study found that expressions associated with anger were related to people feeling anxious.

Expressions associated with sadness were based on feelings of wanting to pause and take in a situation. So, nibbling on baby toes doesn’t mean you’re a monster. It’s a sign you find the little one so adorable that you can barely contain yourself. And if you’ve ever heard a great rock song on the radio and felt like punching the air, it doesn’t mean you’re feeling rage – it could just mean you’re exploding with motivation and inspiration.

Laughter: It’s a form of medicine, but timing your jokes is everything Two cannibals were eating a clown.

One said to the other: ‘Does he taste funny to you?’ Oh, Tommy Cooper, you were a comic genius.

But scientists now believe comedic timing is about misdirection and syncing with your audience to find a laughter rhythm. “Just like that.”

Positive ISSUES

The

wellbeing wrap Weird, wonderful and welcoming news

What exactly is a thingamabob?

Australian Linguist Chi Luu says finding the word on the tip of our tongue – the whatchamacallit – is not caused by our minds blanking out.

Rather, the word escapes us because of its phonology. Our brains know the word, but we struggle to form its sound. The way around it? Ask the person you’re speaking with to give you the sound of its first three letters.

Robots make us

Don’t be embarrassed:

speak up!

A hilarious new book by actor Alan Alda – called If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look on My Face?

– says we can discuss difficult topics with counsellors without getting embarrassed. Alda says we should listen, ask questions, improvise, relate and connect through storytelling.

Scientists rave about the book.

If you want your Sundays to pass more slowly, Professor David Eagleman, author of The Brain: The Story of You, has a nifty idea: try a new activity. Being exposed to new information makes us more focused. Eagleman says time speeds up as we grow older because we have narrowing passions, whereas a child sees everything afresh, so their weekends feel like a month of Sundays.

What’s your favourite emoji?

Researchers at Michigan University have examined emojis used by a million people in more than 1.2 billion messages. They found the top five emojis are: 1) face with tears of joy, 2) heart, 3) heart-shaped eyes, 4) blowing a kiss, and 5) smiling face.

“These symbols, as a ubiquitous new language, make it easier to communicate across cultural barriers,” said the research.

(No aubergine?)

The quietest place on earth (Sssh!)

better humans Counting the days until our robot overlords rule the world? Fear not, bots can make us better people, says sociologist Nicholas Christakis in a new group study published in Nature. Robots prompt us to be less stiff, more experimental, and therefore more responsive with one another. Sorry, Siri.

Make weekends last longer

Looking for some peace and quiet this summer?

Microsoft has built a room so quiet you can hear the blood flowing through your veins. The special room – known as an anechoic chamber – is buried in the depths of Microsoft’s HQ in Washington, USA. It recently set a world record as the quietest place on the planet.

Yes, Sherlock chewed his nails Ever thought about why people gnaw at their nails? Many believe it’s a sign of worry or stress, but a recent study published in the Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry found that “body-focused repetitive behaviours” such as nail-biting could be a sign of perfectionism, of wanting to get things right. The nibbling is a ritual of the process. Or, as Dr Watson might say: “Holmes, you’re doing that thing again.”

STUDENTS! The UK general election was dubbed the “revenge of the young” and saw “incredibly high levels of engagement from students,” said the National Union of Students

GOOD MONTH BAD MONTH

STUDENTS! Student loan debt in the UK has risen above £100bn for the first time, according to the Student Loans Company. England accounted for £89.3bn of the total.

Are you doing empathy wrong?

A new paper in the Journal of Experimental Psychology says we might be getting empathy all wrong. Of course, empathy is a good thing, but it can also be draining, stressful and unhealthy.

Conclusion? Think about what someone is going through without inserting yourself into the equation. This will, hopefully, avoid empathy-burnout.

Re-organise your life: go ‘Kanban’ Personal Kanban is a technique developed by Japan’s car industry (kanban means “signboard” in Japanese) and works two ways – visualising your work, and then limiting your tasks. Write OPTIONS, DOING and DONE on a board. Write your 2017 goals on cards and pin them under OPTIONS. Choose any three goals. Move these to DOING. Now complete those goals. When finished, move them to DONE. Repeat as above.

Works like a well-oiled machine.

July 2017 • happiful • 9

The Uplift | Business Happy

A little

Buddha in your pocket Mindfulness expert Rohan Gunatillake invented a meditation app that became a worldwide hit.

We asked how mindfulness fits into his business plans, and what he hopes to give back Interview | Jake Hamilton

Hello Rohan, can you tell us a bit about your background?

I was born and grew up in south-west London, the youngest of three children to a geography teacher mother and a civil engineer father. I went to university to study chemistry, but I also did a gap year for IBM in London.

When did you first get interested in meditation?

I was 22. I had started work in London in a fastpaced corporate job and my experiments in how to translate my traditional training into a 21st century context is what led to my creating the app, buddhify, and ultimately all my work with [his company] Mindfulness Everywhere.

Explain buddhify to our readers. buddhify is a mobile app that helps people meditate wherever they are and whatever they’re doing. The number one reason that people who say they’re interested in meditation don’t actually do anything about it is that they feel they don’t have time. The reason buddhify helps so many people is that it makes mindfulness and meditation accessible.

Companies that make these products don’t care about our wellbeing. They only care about trapping our attention so they can sell that attention to advertisers

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How did it roll out?

I made the first version in late 2011 on a tiny shoestring budget. Amazingly, it got popular enough to break even within six weeks and I then took the profits from that app into the version of buddhify that’s on sale today, which came out in 2014. It has since been the number one health app in more than 45 countries and been downloaded around 300,000 times, clocking up more than 65 million minutes of meditation.

What are the core beliefs of your business?

We believe that many people are currently excluded from mindfulness products and services due to cost, delivery model, or aesthetic. We want to reduce those barriers. The world of mindfulness apps is currently quite pedestrian and overly fixated on formal meditation. Our mission is to bring some real creativity and design quality to it, while still retaining authenticity. We see and relate to the people who use our products as people.

What mindful benefits do you offer your staff?

We have daily practice sessions together and, depending on the particular person, their situation and their needs, we encourage them to deepen their wellbeing practices as part of their training allowance.

How about a staff retreat?

We’ve not done a team retreat yet but that sounds like a good idea!

Research suggests social media, and technology in general, is making us more unhappy. Why do you think this is happening?

Because the companies that make these products don’t care about our wellbeing. They only care about trapping

Mindful TECH

As the creator of buddhify (right), Rohan was named

by Wired as one of 50 people who will change the world

our attention so they can sell that attention to advertisers, whatever the cost on our own minds. The good news is that technology doesn’t have to be like this. All it takes to change is for tech companies to actually give a damn and design products that actively look to support our wellbeing – or at the very least not deplete it.

Online privacy concerns everyone today.

Our general rule is that we avoid collecting personal data unless necessary (like emails for newsletters). We do have analytics, but these are anonymous so we can’t tie a particular behaviour to a particular person. We also never share any data with any third parties, because we’re not douchey.

When we include our devices in mindfulness practice, something magical happens: every app becomes a mindfulness app. That’s the kind of world I want to live in

How can we embrace technology to help us become more in tune with our life path?

There’s one simple thing we can do – include our technology lives as part of our mindfulness practice. So, while holding your phone, be aware of what the phone feels like – that is basic body awareness practice. When scrolling through your news feed, can you learn to send kindness to the people you see, whoever they are – that is basic loving kindness practice.

When we start to include our devices and our screens and our content in the same way as we would our breath or our body or our thoughts in traditional mindfulness practice, then something magical happens: every app becomes a mindfulness app. That’s the kind of world I want to live in.

Does your business have ‘giving back’ initiatives?

While we do make charitable donations, we believe that our core work is a social initiative. Through our products, many people around the world are improving their life in lesser or greater degrees, and as such, while we are definitely commercial, we are also deeply socially motivated. There are decisions we’ve made which have limited our earnings potential but we made them because in the end they were the right thing to. We also do non-commercial work, such as the Kara website we made for people affected by cancer. We made it because it was a topic we all felt strongly about and wanted to support, and it was possible due to the commercial success of our other products.

You recently wrote a book, Modern Mindfulness.

What’s the central idea?

The idea is simple. The reasons people don’t think meditation is for them is that they think they don’t have time, it’s too hippy, or they have too active a digital life. I share how you can start practising mindfulness in any activity as long as you know the right techniques. The book is chock full of them!

Finally, Rohan, what’s on your near horizon?

Two things. The first is that we are making a new version of buddhify. I’ve designed it with the intention that it’s the best mindfulness app ever made and I’m confident it will be that.

The other thing is that as the father of an 18-month-old, I’m planning to enjoy being a dad as much as possible. He’s a lovely wee guy. Must take after his mother.

July 2017 • happiful • 11

The Uplift | Outlook

Summertime stress syndrome Summer is all about chilling in the sun. But this doesn’t mean we are free from anxiety. Artist Loren Conner creates six sunny situations where stress can still overwhelm us

A Day at the Beach

On the surface, things look fine

A Day at the Beach But look a little closer

12 • happiful • July 2017

Summer SHADOWS

The Music Festival

Summer gigs are brilliant, right?

The Music Festival

For some, they can be a minefield

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The Uplift | Outlook

Summer Holidays

Excitement builds at the airport

Summer Holidays

Actually, it’s a proper nightmare

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Summer SHADOWS

Afternoon in the Park We all love a good picnic

Afternoon in the Park

But picnics can go pear-shaped

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The Uplift | Outlook

The Office BBQ

A chance to click with your colleagues?

The Office BBQ

Or a seething pit of awkwardness?

16 • happiful • July 2017

Summer SHADOWS

A Night at the Prom

Your absolute best night ever!

A Night at the Prom

The worst night of my life!

July 2017 • happiful • 17

The Uplift | Volunteers

The moment I realised

My rescue dog could help people with dementia Charlie Le Rougetel and her dog Lola visit people with dementia as part of the Mayhew Animal Home’s TheraPaws programme Writing | Rebecca Thair

Hi Charlie! How did you meet your dog, Lola?

We got her eight years ago. I had gone down to a four-day working week and thought it was a good chance to get a dog.

We already had two kittens from the Mayhew Animal Home.

I was flicking through the book of animals they currently had – there was one massive dog and all others were Staffordshire Bull Terriers. I’d seen 18-year-old boys round our way with Staffies and they weren’t treating them very well. They looked aggressive and I’d fallen for the whole “Staffies are bad” stereotype, but then I saw a photo of this scrawny little one and she was a mess – no fur on her ears. They introduced us and she was so soft that she wasn’t even in the kennels, she was just following the staff round all day. I completely fell in love with her. She’d been dumped at the door of the Mayhew one night. Her previous owners had been using her to breed.

We think she got to the point where her litters were so small that, to them, she wasn’t worth keeping.

It sounds like she’s always had a lovely temperament despite her previous ill-treatment?

She’s really friendly, really relaxed, and she’s not once been aggressive. There’s absolutely nothing that would make you think she’d been treated poorly. They thought she was about

18 • happiful • July 2017

three-and-a-half when she was dropped off, so she’s about 12 now. She’s getting on a bit, but she’s the most placid, chilled out dog you could ever meet.

How did you get involved with TheraPaws?

I went back to the Mayhew because I had some more time since setting up a business of my own, and wanted to help.

I volunteered as an events coordinator. I was on one of their stands at a summer fete when Lisa, who looks after all their adoptions, said: “You know Lola would be perfect for TheraPaws.” She told me all about the programme and we’ve been a part of it for nearly two years now.

Do you always visit the same place – Kenbrook Residential Home?

You do tend to stick to the same place. The majority of residents where we go have dementia, but there are some where it’s not massively progressed and others who don’t have it at all. They recognise the dogs and look forward to your visits, so it’s quite nice to keep going to the same place.

We go for about an hour every two weeks. The manager of the home will let us know if anybody’s new or has requested to see Lola, to make sure we get a chance to say hello.

Charity MATTERS

‘Lola’s honestly such a zen dog, I don’t think anything would change her’

but then she would see Lola and start singing to her and know all the words. It was quite something.

It’s nice because interacting with the dogs really ignites happy memories in people.

Has the TheraPaws project changed you or Lola at all?

THE HAPPIFUL PLEDGE! We’ll donate 50p from every print copy sold to our featured charity.

This month, we support the TheraPaws project at Mayhew Animal Home.

Would you like your charity featured in happiful magazine? Contact us at editorial@happiful.com

Lola’s honestly such a zen dog, I don’t think anything would change her. But for me it definitely has. Going into the care home with TheraPaws has made me appreciate how important it is to value people in the older stages of life. Some of the patients whose dementia has really progressed can seem like they’re not aware of what’s going on when you first see them. But as soon as you introduce them to the dog and interact with them, you see that it’s actually all going on there. There are completely latent memories that come back, and it just shows how important it is to engage with them.

What would you say to encourage our readers to volunteer with animals?

They’ll pat Lola, talk to us and tell us how their week was. I think it’s very different interacting with animals than other people. There’s no pressure to say the right thing. There’s no judgement. It’s also a nice stress reliever, whatever stage of life you’re in.

How does Lola find it?

Altruistically, it’s really lovely to give something back, and for me it was really important to do that for the Mayhew Animal Home after getting three lovely animals from them.

What you don’t realise when you start doing it is that, quite selfishly, you get a lot from it as well, because you do really feel like you’re making a difference and you make friends.

If you would like to adopt a lovely animal, or want to find out more about TheraPaws, visit themayhew.org

She takes everything in her stride. She loves meeting people, being pampered, having her ears tickled. Last year we had to take a couple of months off because she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She had a massive tumour removed, but she’s a little miracle. She’s made a complete recovery.

How do the residents find the programme?

There’s a lady called Doreen, who’s been there since we started, who’s almost completely deaf, and she loves Lola.

Doreen would happily have Lola for the whole hour! She doesn’t really mind that she’s not chatting to anyone, she’s just talking to the dog. She’s quite cheeky, so if Lola’s put on weight she’ll say, “Oh, you’re fat.” You’re not supposed to have favourites but, she’s my favourite. There was also a lady called Margery, who had it marked in her calendar when Lola was coming. She would ask her carer to buy treats for her. Everything was just all looking forward to spending time with Lola. Another lady, who sadly passed away, used to sing to Lola. She was a music teacher with really severe dementia.

She didn’t really recognise you, she didn’t recognise anybody,

‘[Lola] loves meeting people, being pampered, having her ears tickled’

I think it’s very different interacting with animals than with other people. There’s no pressure to say the right thing.

There’s no judgement July 2017 • happiful • 19

The Uplift | Explainer

The Explainer

What is therapist drift?

Feel your therapy just isn’t working? It could be that your counsellor is ‘drifting’. Here’s how to spot the warning signs, and what to do when it’s time to say goodbye Writing | Fe Robinson

W

hen you buy a new phone, you know exactly what you’re getting. You can check its features and examine its technical specs. But when you buy a service like counselling, it’s not so simple. You might research the different kinds of therapy available and then choose a counsellor, but how do you know if what happens in the room is actually the therapy you signed up for?

Therapist drift is a term that describes counsellors and therapists failing to deliver the most suitable evidencebased treatment for a client’s symptoms.

It happens when, for whatever reason, the therapist drifts away from what the research suggests is effective. Perhaps they will blend together different approaches, or just busk it and do what feels right in the moment. It’s usually well-intentioned, but it might mean that you’re not getting what you asked for, or what you’re paying for.

So what causes therapists to drift?

Not all professionals are trained in all approaches. Counselling and psychotherapy are broad professions with many different approaches, from cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to person-centred counselling and psychoanalysis. Counsellors will use the approaches they are trained in, and their continuing professional development will reflect their interests and preferences. How they identify themselves and what they value will inform what they do, and don’t do, in the therapy room. It’s well worth checking out their background when choosing someone to work with, and being clear if their approach is recommended for what you are seeking help with.

20 • happiful • July 2017

We all have a unique personality and that is reflected in clinical practice.

Past experiences have an effect on how we work. Counsellors tend to use what they perceive to have worked for their clients in the past. The trouble is, we don’t always know. Sometimes the things a counsellor perceives to have been powerful are not the things that made the difference for you.

What a counsellor believes, thinks and feels will come into play in the way they work. Add to this the individual dynamic between you and the counsellor, and there will be a number of factors that influence what happens in the therapy room. Robust clinical supervision is critical to making sure counsellors are doing the right thing by their clients, and are working on their own self-development continually to stay focused.

TELL-TALE SIGNS

There are a number of signs to watch out for. At the beginning of therapy, a clear outcome and focus should have been agreed. When the work drifts away from this to something else, it’s a good idea to note it, and if it continues, to challenge it. While sometimes it’s useful to explore something that’s come up because it may be relevant, too many deviations will dilute the benefit you are receiving.

Another sign is when your counsellor starts to back off from working on the difficult things. When a client is distressed, or expressing doubt about their ability to cope with therapy, counsellors can be seduced by this and stop doing the very work asked of them. Therapy can degenerate into a weekly chat where you offload and the counsellors sympathises, but where no

clinical work is done related to the goal of exploring deeper patterns, meanings, ways of coping, or behaving. Therapy is not a comfortable process. If it was, it most probably wouldn’t be hitting the spot. It is beneficial to build up coping skills and resilience so that the therapy can stay on track. Also, watch out for no-go areas created by either yourself or the counsellor, as these are not therapeutically helpful.

One more sign of drifting is when the counsellor begins to try to solve your problems. In therapy, it is the client’s role to come up with their own way forward and to discover what fits for themselves. While a counsellor might provide psycho-education and beneficial research, this should be clearly marked out as different to the usual therapeutic process. You set your own goals, priorities, and your plans for change. Your counsellor is there to enable and encourage, but if they are continually offering suggestions and solutions you may start to question whose therapy this is.

AVOIDING THE DRIFT

To minimise the chances of therapeutic drift, here are some important questions to ask your therapist before you begin: - Which approaches are you trained in?

- What are these approaches effective for?

- What’s the evidence?

- Which professional associations do you belong to?

- How do you keep up to date on the research for treating my symptoms?

- What have you learned about it recently?

- How does your clinical supervision work?

- What are the recent benefits?

- How do you know your treatment works?

Trending UPDATE

That’s not what I meant at all

Some of these questions might sound very forward, but an effective counsellor should be open to discussing them with you.

Beware the counsellor who tells you that “relationship” is all that matters. Research shows that the relationship between client and counsellor is crucial to the therapy being effective, but this doesn’t mean that anything goes.

SAYING GOODBYE

Therapy doesn’t always work out.

As a client, I’ve twice ended a If you went to a therapeutic relationship because restaurant and had a it wasn’t working. The first time, I just couldn’t relate to them. The poor meal, you would second time, the therapy had not go back. The same degenerated and become too cosy – my counsellor was not helping me goes for therapy. If it’s address what I was asking her to explore with me. not working, it’s time Breaking up with a counsellor for a change is hard. We go to therapy and say things we don’t tell anyone else.

That makes it an intimate relationship, and ending it can feel tough. It’s important to remember that however close you may feel to your counsellor, it’s a professional relationship where they are being paid to deliver a service to you. If you went to a restaurant and had a poor meal, you would

not go back. The same goes for therapy. If it’s not working, it’s time for a change.

Before ending your therapy, see if you can stand back and see if it’s moving you towards your goal. If you are moving forwards, then it may not be the end. If you can’t see a way through in the medium term, then it’s probably time to move on.

If you are uncomfortable with the therapy, talk to your counsellor. It may be beneficial and help to get the work back on track. Or, it may help you decide you want out, particularly if you are met with defensiveness or an unwillingness to adapt.

A counsellor should always be comfortable discussing their approach and how it fits with your symptoms. This is not a power relationship. It is two equals working together on your symptoms, and that’s how it needs to feel.

If you decide to leave therapy, it’s fine to be assertive. Calmly explain what is not working for you and that you have decided to end the work, and then say goodbye.

Personally, I found it empowering to take control and move on, which in itself was a moment of growth.

Fe Robinson, MUKCP (Reg), MBACP (Reg) is a psychotherapist and clinical supervisor.

Visit counselling-directory.org.uk to find a professional in your area.

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Practical answers for everyday problems

HEALTHY GUT

TERRORISM

DEPRESSION

DATING

FLYING

HACKS

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How to overcome your fear of flying

Unpacking the causes of your flight anxiety

FLYING

Writing | Rebecca Thair

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erophobia, or the fear of flying, is estimated to affect one in 10 people in the UK – around 6.5 million of us! When it takes hold, symptoms can include sweating, dizziness, nausea, panic, heart palpitations and hyperventilation, all of which can be truly frightening experiences.

With travel being an integral part of our lives, this fear can have a serious impact on a person’s choices, and their wellbeing. However, rather than letting the fear hold you back, there are few things you can try:

1 DO YOUR RESEARCH

Fear of the unknown often leads our minds to consider the worst possible scenarios. If it’s fear of crashing that has you on edge, do some research on safety procedures and stats before you travel. Understanding the flight experience more, and your air carrier’s safety records, can help to rationalise your fear and keep it in check.

As with most things in life, the more you put something off, the harder it becomes to achieve

briefly forget the anxiety. If the noises of the plane are provoking your anxiety, try a pair of noise-cancelling headphones – they’re also ideal for long-haul trips when you could do with a few cheeky winks. Sleeping for a few hours can make the journey calmer, and shorter.

4 DON’T AVOID PLANES

As with most things in life, the more you put something off, the harder it becomes to achieve. You get addicted to the sense of relief when you get away with another cancelled trip, but this only perpetuates the fear. Facing that fear gives you the chance to experience a possibly pleasant flight and start to acclimatise to the experience, rather than building up an impending sense of doom for an occasion where you do eventually have to travel.

5 TRY HYPNOTHERAPY

A lot of phobias will have a subconscious cause. A hypnotherapist may help to get in tune with your subconscious mind and look to provide you with positive associations around flying. They can help with relaxation techniques and reassuring internal messages for the next time your mind sees a plane and goes into fight-or-flight mode.

2 FOCUS ON YOUR BREATHING

Deep, steady breaths give you something to focus on when your mind is going 100mph. Close your eyes, breathe in for four seconds, hold it for four, then breath out slowly. The out breath should be more than four seconds. As you repeat, your body will calm down as it receives more oxygen. You’re also giving your body an opportunity to reassure itself that there’s no threat here.

3 HEADPHONES IN

Distracting yourself with a good book, chatting to your travel companion or watching a film can make you

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Try hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk to find a range of qualified professionals in your area.

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Benching – when your date has got someone else on the horizon

How to spot 2017’s worst dating trends Learn how to sidestep those dodgy digital honeytraps Writing | Becky Wright

1 BENCHING

You’ve been on a couple of dates and things are going well – or so you thought. They seem to like you, but they aren’t making any moves to take things up a level.

What’s going on? Well, you’re probably being “benched”, meaning your date has got someone else on the horizon and is yet to make a final decision. It’s not a dead cert, but you could soon be left on the bench while they search the field for a better partner. Get out of there – don’t be anybody’s second-best option.

2 ZOMBIEING

An old relationship fizzled out months (or even years) ago, but now the person is starting to pop up again on your social feeds. They’re liking your posts, sending you cute messages out of the blue, perhaps even accidentallyon-purpose “bumping” into you on certain chatrooms.

Then, after shuffling around like the undead, they pop the question – “Wanna get a drink?” What should you do? Sometimes it’s best to be blunt. Ask what their true intentions are, and why now. If they hurt you before, be wary. If things ended on good terms, consider giving it another go. Be honest about how you really feel – the decision is yours.

3 CUSHIONING

So, you got “benched” a few months ago. Then a “zombie” slithered back into your life. Now they throw a bit of flirtation your way, but they never actually ask you out. What’s the story? Simply put, this person hates being alone. They’re going from person to person, relationship to relationship, trying a bit of benching, doing a spot of zombieing, but keeping it PG with you so that their current partner can’t lose their rag if they ever find out – but you’re still around to “cushion” the blow if the relationship falls apart. Don’t trust them. If they’ve done it before, they’ll do it again.

4 CATCH & RELEASE

You’ve seen someone a few times and it’s clear they’re trying to impress, so naturally you’ve developed a soft spot for them. Dare we say it, you might actually have feelings for them. Only now they’ve gone all distant and quiet. What gives? For some people, the chase is what keeps these people interested. Then, as soon as you bite, they’re out of there quicker than you can say “commitment”. Don’t be messed around – find someone who really wants you.

5 THROWBACK DATING

Finally, one dating trend we actually quite like the sound of! Maybe there’s someone from your past that’s never quite left your heart (or mind), or you fancy taking dating back to basics – by going mobile-free. There are no hard and fast rules to the throwback dating trend. It’s nostalgic, it’s real fun, and it also makes you feel young.

Our advice? Give it a whirl.

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DATING

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f you’ve been single these last few years, you will know the dating game has got a lot more complex.

Dating websites now seem a dim and distant memory, while “speed dating” nights down at your local pub feel positively prehistoric. Today, it’s all about social engagement – which can quickly turn to public mortification with a single, misplaced . Fear not, solo traveller, happiful can help you through the jargon:

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The difference between sadness and depression Have you got summertime sadness, or something else?

Writing | Kat Nicholls

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ere at happiful we talk a lot about happiness and try to inject a little colour and light into the world. However, it’s important to recognise the darker moments too. Feeling sad is an emotion we all feel, and it’s healthy to acknowledge and respect our lower moods when they strike. Understanding when we need support is the important bit. If sadness becomes your baseline emotion and you’re struggling to enjoy daily activities, you may be suffering from depression.

DEPRESSION

KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE

Depression is a relatively common mental health condition (anxiety and depression affect an estimated 615 million people worldwide). Unlike sadness, it isn’t a fleeting emotion. It may ease or worsen at times, but often you’ll need support from a professional. While all circumstances and experiences are unique, we’ve put together a brief guide to knowing the difference: Sadness: You feel low for a few days, but are quickly lifted by friends, family, or an activity you enjoy.

Depression: You feel low for longer, (typically more than two weeks) and cannot be lifted by friends or family, and the activities you used to enjoy no longer make you happy.

Sadness: You may be a little off your food or struggling to sleep, but overall your eating and sleeping habits remain the same.

Depression: Your eating habits change (loss of appetite or comfort eating) and/or your sleeping habits alter so that you’re unable to sleep or sleeping more than usual.

Sadness: You feel down, but within yourself you know you’ll be OK after some time.

Depression: You feel a sense of hopelessness and are struggling to see a time when you won’t feel otherwise.

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WHAT TO DO NEXT?

If you recognise the signs of depression in yourself or someone you know, reaching out to a professional is recommended. Make an appointment with your GP or counsellor for a diagnosis and guidance on treatment options. There are lots of ways to help with depression, from mindfulness meditation and lifestyle changes to prescribed medication and talking therapies. Finding the right combination for you, and having a support network around you, is key. Remember, the human experience is a complicated one. We all need support sometimes.

Navigating summer with depression

Summer is a time for joy and fun in the sun. But with depression, a sunny day isn’t enough to change one’s mood. Here’s how to cope: • Keep taking any prescribed medication.

• Keep attending counselling sessions.

• If your counsellor is going on holiday, make plans or strategies to help while they’re away.

• Be honest with friends and family. Tell them how your condition makes you feel and that some activities can be a struggle for you.

• If you have the energy, go for a walk and really notice the nature around you with all your senses.

• Prioritise self-care. Be kind and listen to yourself and to what you need.

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You may not want to go about your usual routine, so allow yourself time to grieve

Terrorism: a guide for parents Whether we like it or not, terrorism is part of our collective experience. We shouldn’t be afraid to discuss it with our children, and each other Writing | Ellen Hoggard

Alexandre Rotenberg / Shutterstock.com

1 IT’S OK TO FEEL SAD

We Brits are renowned for not showing emotion, but it’s OK to feel sad after a devastating event. You may not want to go about your usual routine, so allow yourself time to grieve. It’s likely your reaction has surprised you – after all, it’s all too easy to underestimate the impact a terrorist act can have, wherever it occurs in the world.

2 TALK WITH OTHER ADULTS

You’ve put on a brave face for your children; now it’s time to have an adult conversation. Talk to your friends and family about what happened, and be open with how you feel. Talking to a fellow adult can help you decipher the conflicting media reports and the wavering national mood, as well as bring succour and relief.

3 FEEL GRATEFUL

Yes, feel grateful. We know it sounds wrong to think about what you have, but you’re alive and it’s important you don’t forget that. You don’t need to make a grand observation, but writing down or thinking about the things you’re grateful for can really help. Take a walk, call your mum, hug your dog, or simply take a moment to be thankful for what you normally take for granted.

4 HELP IF YOU CAN

You’re not able to fix everything, and feeling helpless can often fuel the guilt and sadness you’re already experiencing. However, by taking an active approach to help others after a tragedy, we build resilience. See if there are charities for the survivors and, if you’re able, donate to the emergency services who have worked tirelessly to help the afflicted.

Remember, it’s OK to lose your way and it’s OK to need help. Visit counselling-directory.org.uk for more info.

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TERRORISM

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fter the devastating news in both Manchester and London, it’s no surprise that many of us have recently felt shocked and bewildered. Whenever violence strikes a community, our focus turns to our children – but how do we explain an act of terrorism to a child? When an event as chilling as the Manchester Arena suicide bombing happens, it’s important we address their questions. In other words, we should be honest and listen to their concerns.

We can reassure the safety of our children. We can remind them that violent acts are very rare and the vast majority of people are good. We can tell them they are safe, loved, and that we are there to protect them. But how much of what we say do we actually believe?

Terrorism doesn’t need to happen on our doorstep.

Attacks can now unfold live on our mobile phones, which makes the world feel very small indeed, and gives us an unnerving sense of ever-present danger. The question is, while we’re able to support our kids, what about ourselves? Here are four things you can do:

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Heal your unhealthy gut A healthy gut is a key foundation for overall vitality.

But what does a unhealthy gut feel like? And how can we solve the problem of leakiness?

Writing | Christine Bailey

HOW TO KNOW IF YOUR GUT IS UNHEALTHY

HEALTHY GUT

In truth, there are lots of obvious symptoms. Here are just a few:

• Frequent belching or flatulence • Pain in the oesophagus / reflux • Bloating after eating • Constipation and / or diarrhoea • Undigested food in the stool • Lower abdominal pain • Regular nausea / feeling sick • Stools that are pale in colour, greasy or shiny • Reactions to foods – allergies • Suspected lactose or fructose intolerance • A gut infection within the last five years • Unexplained muscle aches • Unexplained stiff joints or pains in joints • Feeling extraordinarily tired all the time, even after a good night’s sleep • Diagnosed with an autoimmune illness (e.g. coeliac disease, juvenile arthritis, autoimmune hypothyroidism, type 1 diabetes)

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Life LESSONS

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any common health complaints – whether its ongoing infections, eczema, allergies, asthma, IBS, digestive distress and nutritional deficiencies – can be traced to a key underlying factor: poor digestive health. Indeed, the latest research reveals the state of our gut bacteria may be the key to boosting weight loss and even boosting mood. Here’s six top steps to getting your gut healthy:

1 REMOVE

The first step is to remove key gut triggers. These do not have to be long term, but try removing these foods for four weeks and see if your symptoms improve: Alcohol and caffeine: Both can irritate the gut and disrupt blood sugar which can impact the gut. There are plenty of other options to try, such as dandelion coffee, or herbal and green teas instead.

Gluten grains: These can irritate the gut lining and are often difficult to digest, which can cause abdominal pain and bloating. Instead, pile your plates with gluten free grains and plenty of vegetables which can help your friendly bacteria to thrive.

Beans and pulses: These are often difficult to digest and can result in bloating.

Dairy: For some people, dairy is a common allergen; although fermented dairy such as kefir and yogurt may be more easily tolerated. For others, it is not dairy proteins that cause the problem but lactose – which is a sugar in dairy products. Switching to lactose free dairy, or choosing lower lactose dairy like hard cheese and butter, may resolve symptoms.

Sugar / artificial sweeteners: These contribute to an imbalance in our gut flora and encourages potentially harmful bacteria and yeast to flourish (however, whole fruits are fine).

Many of these foods are called high FODMAP foods, which are short-chain carbohydrates or sugars which are poorly absorbed in the small intestine and readily fermented by gut bacteria producing gas which makes us bloat. They can also affect bowel motility, which can lead to alternating diarrhoea and constipation too.

3 RE-POPULATE

Poor diet, stress, medications, even lack of sleep can all reduce the diversity of the friendly bacteria in our gut.

Fermented foods like kefir, yogurt, sauerkraut, kimchi and homemade pickles, are packed with beneficial bacteria and are an easy way to naturally boost your levels. Add in prebiotic food too – these are foods that provide fermentable fibres for the friendly bacteria, helping them to thrive in our guts. Good choices include oats, rice and rice bran, bananas, Jerusalem artichokes, asparagus, apples, leeks and onions.

4 RE-NOURISH

Calm the gut from inflammation and help support the gut lining with plenty of protein-rich foods and foods rich in collagen, like bone broth. If you struggle with indigestion then you may find slow-cooked foods like broths, stews and casseroles easier to digest. Add in some natural anti-inflammatory foods like turmeric, green tea, berries, ginger and garlic too.

5 RE-BALANCE

Watch stress and take steps to unwind. Mindful eating can be really helpful. Chew your food properly and take time to sit and eat your meals rather than eating on the go. Avoid eating too late – studies have shown you can improve digestive function if you can allow 12–14 hours overnight without eating. Aim to finish your evening meal by 7pm if you can.

6 RESET

If your stomach often feels heavy and full, or you struggle with poor blood sugar control and are looking to shed a few pounds, try intermittent fasting. Often referred to as the 5:2 diet, this can help digestive symptoms too. By allowing your digestive tract time to digest food without constantly snacking and overeating, you may find you feel lighter and less bloated. Do this a couple of times in a week and see if your symptoms improve.

2 REPLACE

Give your body a hand by including foods to stimulate digestive enzymes and stomach acid to help you break down and digest food more easily. Try lemon juice in warm water before meals, or drizzle apple cider vinegar over vegetables. Bitter tasting greens, like rocket and watercress, can also help. Other foods that contain digestive enzymes include pineapple and papaya.

Christine Bailey is the author of ‘The Gut Health Diet Plan: Recipes to Improve Digestive Health and Boost Well­being’ (Nourish Books, £12.99.)

July 2017 • happiful • 29

COUPLES WEEKEND

Writing | Rebecca Thair with Jake Hamilton Design | Amy-Jean Burns

COAST TOCOAST

SUMMER READING

A Horse Walks into a Bar David Grossman This 2017 Man-Booker Prize winner is for those looking to lose themselves in another world on a deep, emotional level. It follows a stand-up comedian, Dovaleh G, in Israel who despite his repellent jokes, draws increasing empathy from the reader.

BEACH COMMUNITY CLEAN UPS The moment the sun appears in the sky, we Brits will make a mad dash to one of our many beautiful beaches. But with so many visitors leaving behind waste that later pollutes our coastline, your summer day-trip can turn from heaven to hell.

Remember, marine life pays the penalty for our trashy attitude. Our oceans are now drowning with human junk. We’re all responsible and we have to do something about it, today.

You can make the most of your summer free time by heading down to the coast and volunteering with a beach cleaning operation. It’s a sociable activity that gets you enjoying the fresh sea air while pitching in to save the shoreline.

Attachments Rainbow Rowell Hands up, who’s gossiped in their work emails? Rowell’s novel follows the email trail of two female co-workers who spill on their relationships, unaware that their company’s internet security officer is reading everything.

Organisations like Surfers Against Sewage are tackling the pollution problem head on, but they could always use more help. You can join a beach clean near you, or organise your own. Not only is it ecologically rewarding, but afterwards you can treat yourself to a well-deserved ice cream while overlooking a beautifully clean stretch of sand.

AWESOME

Truly Madly Guilty Liane Moriarty The writer who brought you the recent TV smash Big Little Lies is back with her latest suburban thriller. The story focuses on the events unravelling at a spontaneous summer barbecue, where neighbourly tensions and not-so-secret trysts are dragged over the coals.

The Count of Monte Cristo Alexandre Dumas An adventure tale for all time, this classic revenge thriller has inspired countless novels, films and plays. A sailor, left for dead, finds a stash of treasure which he uses to disguise himself as a wealthy count before exacting his revenge.

DISABLED-FRIENDLY BEACH HUTS The multi-award winning Boscombe Beach in Bournemouth has introduced the UK’s first fully disabled accessible beach huts. They have room for up to four wheelchair users at once – beach access wheelchairs are available to hire – and have fully accessible loos and changing places.

Bournemouth is embracing inclusivity and making sure it’s a great day out for all.

The Hating Game Sally Thorne If you’re looking for some easy-going escapism, this quick page-turner is for you. Two executives fight over a job role... and sparks fly. If you want a brief holiday romance, this will do fine.

COUNTRY

LIVING

SPECIALIST SUMMER FESTIVALS We all know Glastonbury, Reading and Leeds Festival, and Party in the Park, but there’s an abundance of more specialist festivals across the UK for those looking to experience something truly mindful.

The first ever Trew Fields Festival (known as Trewfest) will commence this year at a beautiful farm location in Surrey, on 8–9 July. The best thing about Trewfest? It’s a cancer awareness and holistic health festival.

The fest features morning yoga and meditation to get your mind and body set for a day of fun, along with music, comedy, workshops, happiness and healing around a pretty lakeside setting.

Summer is a great time for adrenaline junkies. For those who know no limits, how about visiting Zip World Velocity: it’s the home of the fastest zip line in the world, and the longest line in Europe, where you zip over Penrhyn Quarry in Wales at more than 100mph. As Buzz Lightyear would say, “This isn’t flying, this is falling with style!”

For water babies, how about taking some friends to the New Forest’s Aqua Park? At 80m long and 40m wide, it’s an enormous aquatic playground for both kids and “big kids”, with inflatable trampolines, monkey bars, hurdles, rollers and plenty more. It sure beats getting grass burns from your back garden slip-n-slide.

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THRILLS & SPILLS

Umbrella jousting on Boris Bikes!

At Soul Circus you can live out fantasies of being a nomadic entertainer as you run away with the circus. The yoga and wellness festival in the stunning setting of the Cotswolds takes place from 18–20 August, with opportunities to the skies as you experience aerial yoga, chill out in their indulgent spa, or dance the night away during the DJ after-party in the woods. Sounds like a midsummer night’s dream.

For those with eclectic tastes, the Chap Olympiad is the perfect place to hone your British etiquette while having a rollicking good time. Set in one of England’s green pastures – Bedford Square in London – on 15 July, eccentrically dressed people gather to celebrate Britain’s sporting ineptitude. For the daring, there’s jousting on Boris Bikes; for the rest us there will be picnic hampers galore.

Don’t worry, the only sportswear you need are cricket whites. This being England, points are awarded for immaculate trouser creases.

A SPOT OF CAMPING

Camping is back in big way in the UK, not that it ever went away. Anyone looking to take a break from city life might try Blackberry Wood in East Sussex. The secluded woodland has options for traditional camping, and an array of quirky glamping choices that allow your imagination to run wild. There’s a fairy-tale treehouse with its own turret, a bright red double decker bus, and even an ex-RAF helicopter to sleep in. The idyllic location also has plenty of pubs nearby, a fantastic local atmosphere, and, with campfires encouraged, it’s the perfect spot to toast some marshmallows under the summer stars.

OBSERVE OUR RAREST BIRDS Sighting these uncommon species can lift the spirits

Bearded tit There are now at least 772 pairs of bearded tits in the UK – their highest level since records began.

Management of habitats by the RSPB is helping these birds bounce back.

Bittern The bittern, a type of heron, was declared extinct in the UK last century. Today, numbers have increased to at least 161. They are mostly found in Somerset, Suffolk, Norfolk and Cambridgeshire.

Crane A record-breaking 48 pairs were recorded across the UK in 2016, with a total population of an estimated 160 birds. Cranes can be spotted in Norfolk, Suffolk, Yorkshire, Somerset, Wiltshire and South Wales.

Red kite Once labelled “vermin”, the red kite suffered from intensive human persecution. However, by 2003, there were more than 350 breeding pairs listed. Their future looks very bright.

RAMBLE & WANDER

TRY ‘AGROFORESTRY’ Mixing things together can produce astounding results. Agroforestry is the fusion of growing agricultural crops in the same space as trees. Twenty years of research has proved that agroforestry is more effective and beneficial in almost every way to keeping forestry and agricultural monocultures. The Agroforestry Research Trust runs courses and tours to help you create your own ecosystem Eden.

Want to re-connect with the natural world? Try exploring the great British countryside in all its glory. Rambling is massive in the UK, with more than 500 groups and a combined membership of 100,000 walkers.

It’s both a sociable activity and a tonic for your health. In physical terms, walking doesn’t require a lot of practice but has a wealth of benefits in keeping you fit and healthy with a strong dose of clean country air. Regular walking has been proven to help reduce high blood pressure, and lower the chances of heart disease, strokes and type 2 diabetes. Additionally, rambling can have a great effect on your mental health and wellbeing, boosting your self-esteem and mood as you reconnect with nature and unplug from the technological world (leave your smartwatch at home). What’s more, rambling and wandering can be almost meditative, and the opportunity to interact with friendly new faces can broaden your horizons, both literally and figuratively.

HEARTH &HOME

Yes, that’s a pooch at afternoon tea

CARRY ON COUPLING

PETS WIN PRIZES

If your dog’s been a particularly good boy, you can now treat him to afternoon tea at The Egerton House Hotel in Knightsbridge.

Served daily from 12noon–6pm, you can tuck into a scone while your four-legged friend licks clean a bowl of meatloaf, or curbs that sweet tooth with some “doggylicious ice cream”.

Alternatively, you can take your pooch to a dog-friendly movie screening. We don’t think Scooby Doo is on the bill, but a doggie movie date is sure to set a few tails wagging.

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Whether you’re a psychic sceptic or a true believer, a ghost hunt can be a fun activity for couples wanting something other than Netflix and chill. A little scare can keep a date lively, and gives you an excuse to cuddle up when things go bump in the night. If you’re in Essex, you can join the Cressing Temple Ghost Hunt on 7 July.

For a more leisurely afternoon, how about hiring a row boat and taking to the Thames in Windsor – but watch out for the Queen’s swans. It can be a great bonding experience as you navigate the waters, and hopefully you’ll be doing more rowing than rowing.

If you and your date could use a stiff drink, perhaps book a tour of the Bombay Sapphire Distillery in Hampshire. As well as learning how the world-famous gin is produced, you can take a cocktail masterclass and treat yourself to a Truck ed complimentary drink at the bar.

If you fancy the fizzy stuff, the ‘Popped Truck’ is a prosecco-fuelled dream that brings the bubbles to you. Ace for summer parties, or perhaps a wedding? poppedtruck.com

GET YOUR KIT OFF, LOVE! As a nation of shopkeepers, we do tend to keep the goods covered up. But is that all for show?

While nudist beaches exist in the UK, many people are embracing stripping down in their own homes. In fact, getting your kit off around the house could be a big giveaway to your personality traits.

Research into the Big Five personality characteristics found that people who have a higher intellect, or who are open to new experiences, are more likely to be the ones walking around the house in their birthday suit.

Naturism and its effect on a person has been studied and found to have many benefits, including increased life satisfaction, and improvements to a person’s self-esteem.

Dr Keon West had 850 Brits complete a survey and discovered those who spent more time naked were happier with their bodies than those who covered up. So, rather than spending money on a new outfit to make you feel good, it turns out the best thing for body positivity is just being in your own skin.

If you fancy embracing your bod in all its naked glory, spend a week in July at Thorney Lake in Somerset for Nudefest. No shirt, no shoes, a disco set from DJ Theresa, as well as plenty of activities ranging from yoga, archery and a clothes-free 5k run. What an eye-opener.

Did someone order sausage rolls?

TRY ‘ECOTHERAPY’ Ecotherapy is all about doing something good for the planet, while also nourishing your own mental wellbeing. Being outdoors can provide structure and routine to the day of someone living with depression.

Additionally, being connected to nature can help with increased mindfulness.

Try escaping into nature at one of the huge number of National Trust locations across the UK, or volunteer with a project like Groundwork. The team work to improve parks, playgrounds and shared green spaces, as well as getting young people involved in improving their towns.

RAINY DAYS INDOORS WITH KIDS The British weather is erratic at best, so let’s prepare!

MAKE A SNOW GLOBE Make a simple snow globe by filing a clean jam-jar with water and glitter (add glycerin for gloopiness).

You can also create a “scene” with clay and then superglue it to the lid. Shake the globe and ask your child to watch until it settles. Now focus on a single piece of glitter. Explain the jar is like their mind, and the glitter pieces are thoughts and feelings whirling around inside, which can help their own minds to settle.

READ A STORY – MINDFULLY How often do we really take the time to stay present when we read? So often, we are skipping ahead in our minds to the next activity, and if we already know the story we might be reading on autopilot. Try listening to the story through your child’s ears. Whenever your mind wanders, bring it right back to the words on the page.

DRAW TOGETHER Drawing is a wonderful way to practise mindfulness.

Drawing the negative space (the background) around the object instead of the object itself can be an interesting way to encourage observation. Older children can do this with you, but younger children need to be allowed draw from their imagination.

LET THEM GET BORED When children say they are bored, most parents will suggest activities. But if we always offer ideas we are actually telling our children that boredom is intolerable.

Helping children to draw from their own resources is tremendously useful for later life. It may feel tough at first, but it will quickly pay off as your children become more creative and resourceful.

WHY I LOVE

GARDENING

Amber Hatch is the author of ‘Mindfulness for Parents’ (Watkins, £9.99)

happiful reader Yvonne explains why gardening connects her to everything

Y BBQ H T L A E H !

RECIPE Oriental Chicken with Fruited Noodle Salad Prep time: 15 mins, plus 4–6 hours marinating Cooking time: 15 mins Serves: 4 8 chicken drumsticks 4 tbsp hoisin sauce 2 tbsp clear honey 2 tbsp home-made tomato ketchup 1 tbsp Chinese five-spice powder dash of Tabasco sauce 1 garlic clove, peeled sea salt and freshly ground black pepper (Fruited noodle salad) 6 tbsp extra virgin olive oil 2 tbsp balsamic vinegar 1 tsp sun-dried tomato purée/paste 225g/8oz fine egg noodles 2 ripe peaches or nectarines, pitted and chopped 4 ripe purple-skinned plums, pitted and sliced 2 tbsp chopped mint leaves 2 tbsp chopped coriander/cilantro leaves 4 tbsp lightly toasted cashew nuts

Method: Slash each drumstick several times with a sharp knife and lay them in a shallow, non-metallic dish. Combine the hoisin sauce, honey, ketchup, five-spice powder and Tabasco. Crush the garlic to a paste with a pinch of salt and add to the other ingredients.

Spoon evenly over the chicken, making sure it goes into the slashes. Cover and leave in a cool place for 4–6 hours, turning occasionally.

Lift the chicken from the dish (reserve any remaining marinade) and cook on an oiled grill rack for 15 minutes until cooked through, turning once and brushing with any remaining marinade.

Make the salad by whisking the oil, vinegar, tomato purée/paste and seasoning together. Cook the noodles according to packet directions. Drain and toss with dressing. Leave to cool, then mix with the remaining salad ingredients. Serve the chicken with the salad.

From ‘I Love My Barbecue’ by Hilaire Walden (Nourish Books, £12.99)

“I’m weeding in a border at the back of my garden, and I’m engaged in the moment, when suddenly I hear a soft rustle. I sense something, so I freeze.

There, poised to my right, is a very small robin. I have to stop. I can hardly breathe. We both hold the moment. Then in an instant he’s OK. He busily starts to scratch the earth where I’ve been working for a tasty treat.

The thing that connects me to everything is gardening. When the soil by my plants and vegetables runs through my hands, and when I watch my beautiful passion flower bloom and joyfully reach up towards the sky, I feel awe.

Time disappears as I inhale the gentle fragrance of my jasmine, or when I listen to the soft bird song in the trees, or when I hear the grasses swaying in the breeze.

This is my pure bliss, my contentment in my sanctuary, far away from all the worries of the world.”

xxxxxxx xxxx

URBAN MINDFULNESS

Flamingos?

You’re talking our lingo!

AMAZING!

The gardens are a sought-after location for private events and weddings though so they do suggest phoning ahead to make sure you’re not left disappointed.

CUSTOMISE THE STREETS

City-dwellers might love the buzz of urban living, but sometimes you need a moment of peace and clarity. You can rise above the noise by visiting The Roof Gardens in London, and the best bit – it’s completely free.

Divided into four sections, you can travel the world without stepping foot outside of Kensington. The Spanish Garden is based on the Alhambra in Granada, with a relaxed Mediterranean vibe and striking Spanish colours. The Tudor Garden transports you back in time, with stunning stone arches and large umbrellas protecting crisp white tables – perfect for a nice cup of tea. The English Woodland section is alive with crocuses, snowdrops and bluebells, and has resident wildlife including ducks and four flamingos. No joke!

The tech world is customisable in many ways, but what if the city could be flexible too?

Engineer and designer Ross Atkin wants to bring the fullyadaptable nature of technology to London’s streets, so he created Responsive Street Furniture. An elderly person can send a signal from her phone when crossing the road to make sure the traffic lights last longer. And someone with poor vision can increase the wattage of his streetlights as he walks home at night.

Illuminating stuff!

HI IN THE K

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City parks are a great place for summer socialising and mindful pleasure. There’s family-friendly activities on offer at Cannon Hill Park in Birmingham when an allweather inflatable show dome pops up from 12–30 July for In the Night Garden Live.

Immerse your little ones in the theatrical spectacular as their favourite TV characters magically come to life before their eyes.

ParkLives is a nationwide initiative that provides people with access to free, fun activities in their local parks. Their website lets you search by postcode for events near you, and can include Zumba classes, Tai Chi, archery and even donkey grooming.

The huge popularity of park runs means there’s almost certainly a local run for you.

It’s a great way to start the weekend with a burst of adrenaline and some feel-good endorphins. With a supportive atmosphere, and the chance to challenge yourself weekly, park runs are a fantastic way to get your blood pumping, and it’s all for free.

If you’re in London on 12 July, head to Hyde Park for a massive two-hour scavenger hunt. You can run around solving clues about the natural world, the history of the park, and discover ways to ‘“get creative”.

It’s for over-18s only, so no kiddies allowed, but we’re sure your childish enthusiasm will come out to play. Wherever you are in the UK this summer, get yourself some park life (it’s got nothing to do with your Vorsprung durch Technik).

TA

GET SOME PARK LIFE!

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WE LOVE

WHY I LOVE JOGGING happiful reader Monica explains the joys of mindful running “Earlier this year, as I drove into the office, I noticed people jogging and working up a sweat. I never thought it was possible to be in their shoes. I was always too busy and had too much going on in my life. I’m not alone. Nearly half of all working adults in the UK say they’re too busy to exercise. But when a marathon was held in my town, I was inspired to trade my occasional indoor workouts and use the summer months to actively jog outside. Then I signed up for my first 5K run.

I now jog three or four times a week and feel positively alive.

Even a short jog has a soothing effect, helping to clear my mind from the stresses of the day. A surprising benefit has been how much more mindful I am of the choices I make, especially with my health.

After jogging, I am less likely to go home and eat a huge meal or sit on the couch for hours. Jogging has created a healthy halo in my life, pushing me to go the extra mile (sometimes literally). It’s transformed me into the kind of person I never thought I could be.

My advice? Start by jogging short distances to places you know, and keep a training log. I write down the days, the distance, and how long it took. These small changes have made jogging an integral part of my life; not just for summer, but for every season to come.”

xxxx XXXXX

MENTAL FIGHT CLUBS The first rule of Mental Fight Club is you do talk about Mental Fight Club. For anyone needing a positive and supportive environment in the wake of London’s recent terrorist attacks, the Dragon Café by Borough tube station hosts Mental Fight Clubs every Monday, from 12noon-8.30pm. As well as healthy food, the café has a range of wellbeing activities sure to get you feeling good. It’s a perfect example of a community bouncing back from adversity.

HOW TO PET A STRANGE DOG Not everyone feels comfortable when meeting a strange dog in the park. Indeed, a bounding Bernese can be pretty frightening. Don’t let that fear hold you back. If you see a strange dog, approach it from the side, letting it sniff your outstretched hand, and initially avoid eye contact. When the furry friend establishes you’re not a threat, it’ll be belly rubs galore. And the buzz it gives you will last all afternoon.

CYCLING AT NIGHT? TRY A BIKE LIGHT SENSOR With more than 1.95 million weekly cyclists in the UK, safety on our roads is of paramount importance. Philip and Irene McAleese have developed the world’s first bike light that reacts to surroundings. Called See.Sense ICON, it increases the brightness and frequency of your flashing light in more dangerous situations. A great, mindful invention.

July 2017 • happiful • 37

Have you ever taken a moment to just stop and look up at our incredible moon?

S TA RG ING AZ

Stargazing reminds us of our place in the world. We live on a small rock spinning around an unremarkable star in a measureless universe. You can tune-in to this vast cosmos any time you wish, by stepping outside at night. Find a place with low light pollution (if it’s your back garden, dim the house lights). Don’t worry if you can’t see anything – it takes about 15 minutes for your eyes to adjust to the night sky. Ah, but what things you’ll see!

Meteor showers, bright constellations, a full moon on 9 July, a glimpse of Saturn with the naked eye, and the majesty of the Milky Way (if you live rurally). Remember to dress up warm – an hour of stargazing can leave you chilly. And don’t forget the great celestial event of 2017 – a glimpse of a total eclipse of the sun on 21 August.

WHY I LOVE CYCLING happiful reader Italo explains the mind-cleansing thrills of the open road “For me, cycling is the best opportunity to clear my mind and explore my own personal limits. Cycling on open roads requires concentration in order to stay safe, and if you’re competitive (as I tend to be), it helps you keep an eye on maintaining a level of speed and heart rate during the journey.

I am concentrating but at the same time I am soaking up the countryside, enjoying the freedom of the open roads, breathing in lungfuls of air and experiencing the different smells drifting across open fields.

It’s a wonderful and mind-cleansing experience.

During my ride, I will not give a single thought to work or some of the issues that can occasionally keep me awake at night. Some of the world’s greatest positive thinkers maintain that the best way to solve a problem is to stop thinking about it – your mind will subliminally deliver the solution when you least expect it. As someone who loves the clearness of the open road, I can truly say that this does work, not every time and not immediately, but it does work.”

CATCH AN OUTDOOR MOVIE The Luna Cinema allows you to get out under the night sky and open your mind as you’re immersed in a moonlit movie. Cuddle up with your friends and family in camping chairs and picnic blankets as JK Rowling leads you though her magical world of Fantastic Beasts, or if you want the night to never end, how about the classic Groundhog Day.

y! ke

Spider mon

OUT

THERE SUMMER VOLUNTEERING For those lucky enough to still get six-week summer holidays but who don’t know what to do with all that free time, there’s opportunities to make a difference abroad.

Plus, it’s great work experience for your CV. Projects Abroad can help 16–19 yearolds redefine their outlook on life with opportunities to get involved with humanitarian or conservation work across the globe. Animal lovers can explore the Peruvian rainforest in the heart of the Amazon. The two-week schedule includes opportunities to observe the wildlife, including spider monkeys, and helping animals in the rescue centre ahead of their release back into the wild.

If you’re more of a people person, head out to Fiji and volunteer with the local community. The immersive experience will help to renovate the island schools and allow you to see traditional Fijian culture up close.

As well as all the good work you’ll be doing, there’s also a chance to laze on those powderwhite beaches.

The fees for overseas volunteering can be steep to raise in just a few weeks, but you could plan for 2018 and use the summer to kick-start your fundraising campaign closer to home.

VIRTUAL MEDITATION

GLOBAL PET SITTING This might sound too good to be true, but you better believe it: Trusted Housesitters allows pet-owners to travel the world guilt-free, safe in the knowledge that someone with a passion for pets is taking good care of their furry bundles of joy. All you have to pay is membership to the site, but the adventures abroad and all that animal love? Completely free.

No cash for a holiday? Now you can turn your home environment into a sanctuary bubble with Mostly Human Studios’ Just Relax: VR Paradise. The surrounding virtual reality experience transports you instantly to a paradise beach where you can breathe deeply and relax to the subtle sounds of waves lapping the shore. It’s digital bliss.

Feature | Jeff Brazier

Why Dealing with Grief is a Daily Experience When reality TV star Jade Goody died after a short battle with cervical cancer in 2009, her partner Jeff Brazier was left to raise their children alone.

In this moving and uplifting article, Jeff reveals how grief has shaped his life, and offers advice for those still in mourning Interview | Gemma Calvert

40 • happiful • July 2017

Grief ENCOUNTER

I

t’s strange how my entire young adult life seems to have given me the tools to be able to cope with the future I’m facing – raising my sons, Bobby and Freddie, as a solo parent after the death of their mum, Jade, eight years ago.

Jade had a short and highly publicised battle with cervical cancer. A few weeks before she died, she told the boys from her hospital bed that god wanted her to be an angel. She explained to them that, very soon, mummy would be a big bright star in the sky on its way to heaven. At the time, our sons were four and five.

The evening Jade died, I broke the news to them at home. I walked into the garden to draw a breath and saw a single star shining in the clear night sky. I took the boys outside and didn’t need to say much. They gazed at the star, blew kisses to mummy, and went to bed. It was that simple.

MY EXPERIENCE OF GRIEF

My first experience of grief was at the age of 21.

I’d come off Channel 4’s reality show Shipwrecked to the news that my nan had died of cancer.

I’d spent a large amount of my childhood experiencing a difficult family life where I was withdrawn but felt in control. Outside the church on the day of her funeral, I wailed my heart out.

But I also remember feeling happy that I was sad. Crying made me feel connected. I was also particularly close to my grandad.

In the absence of my own father, who I never had a relationship with, he was like a dad.

Whenever I went to grandad’s house, I was loved and looked after. We would watch The A-Team and Terrahawks on a Saturday night, then visit my nan on a Sunday, even though they were separated. I sank to my knees the moment my mum told me, shortly after Jade died, that my grandad had shot himself in the head.

I was out in Australia at the time, so I had no choice but to rationalise grandad’s choice. Your assumption might be that I felt anger, betrayal and rejection. The truth is I very quickly decided I was proud of him. He watched his own dad die of throat cancer and saw how undignified his death was, so I respected that he took his life into his own hands. It’s important to note here that there are many suicides that I would not be able to find any level of acceptance with, because every situation is drastically different.

50 others. It was hard to miss a father that I didn’t have so I didn’t experience grief but I felt regret, which can be more destructive than sadness, because it’s imagined.

I sank to my knees when my mum told me, shortly after Jade died, that my grandad had shot himself in the head If you are feeling regretful, do something to fill the void created in the past. I know my life would have been enhanced by having my dad as a male role model, so I simply try to be the best dad I can to my boys. Memories can also become a celebration.

I did this when Jade was near the end. I thought: “How many things can she do with the kids to give them as many tools to be able to grieve and remember?” Sit in the moment and come up with your own list, which could include getting a family portrait photo done, taking a loved one to their favourite place, or eating at their favourite restaurant. It works in a similar way after death.

On the 15th of every month, we have a Mother’s Day, where we do something fun. It attaches a memory of Jade to an experience that makes the boys smile.

COPING WITH LOSS

There’s no one-size-fits-all journey of grief.

If I asked everyone inside a packed Wembley Stadium: “What four words summarise grief?”

SAYING GOODBYE

Not being able to say goodbye is one of the most painful feelings after a loved one dies. My biological dad died when I was 10-years-old. He was the skipper of the Marchioness pleasure boat which sank in the River Thames in 1989, killing him and

Jeff with his sons, Bobby and Freddie

July 2017 • happiful • 41

Feature | Jeff Brazier

– no two people would say the same thing. You see, grief is an umbrella term, a group of natural and overwhelming characteristics that, for me, in its purest form, include loss, loneliness, desperation, despair and disbelief.

If you’re experiencing a bereavement, compile a list of words that best describe how you feel, then separate those feelings into two columns – those you can control and those you can’t, so you know where to invest your energy. Work on each one. Focus on what you can’t control and you’ll only feel stuck.

It’s important not to impose limiting rules on yourself. For example, making negative predictions about your ability to cope. Saying “I’ll never get over this” isn’t being kind to yourself because you’re programming yourself to never get over the loss.

Instead, try saying: “It’s hard but at some stage I’ll get there.”

You’ll need a prolonged period of time off normal duties to come to terms with your loss, but remember that no two days, weeks or months will be the same. Give yourself time before rushing into new relationships, a new job, or even counselling.

EXPRESSING EMOTIONS

During grief, we often believe that being strong means staying on top of our emotions and making out that we’re OK, perhaps to protect other members of the family. In fact, being able to cry and express our feelings when we feel rubbish is the real meaning of strength, and being open and honest about our feelings gives those around us the permission to do the same.

Compared to women (who are naturally more open), men can be reserved and selective about who they share their feelings with. If you’re struggling with grief, identify your outlets. Is there a friend you can share your feelings with? Don’t worry about being a burden to those closest to you because the people in your circle are waiting for you to open up.

If you stay in denial and suppress your feelings, they’ll build like a pressure cylinder until they overwhelm you, and that can cause complications from a mental health point of view.

If you know someone who is grieving, don’t try to find the magic words to make ‘Memories become everything OK, because only a celebration’ they can fix their grief.

All you need to do is listen.

Also, remember to ask the person questions that illicit an interpretation of their feelings and, where possible, forget about texting. Call the person to ask how they are feeling. Grief requires the personal touch.

42 • happiful • July 2017

On the 15th of every month we have a Mother’s Day, where we do something fun.

It attaches a memory of Jade to an experience that makes the boys smile THE MOURNING PERIOD

There are many filters that affect each undetermined period of grief, such as your relationship with that person (how close were you?); your acceptance of the loss (was the person’s death because of old age or cruel because you didn’t get to say goodbye?); and your relationship with yourself (will you use elements of grief to punish yourself?).

When a person is there in body, but time is limited, people experience what’s known as “anticipatory grief ” – or living bereavement. If you’re losing a loved one, ask yourself these questions: how much more can I get out of that person’s time? How can I comfort them?

Can they help me by sharing a memory that I will keep for ever?

Creating memories before memories are required, puts you in the driving seat of grief. When a sad trigger later taps you on the shoulder and reminds you of the special person you’ve lost – perhaps when a certain song comes on the radio, or an image of that person flashes into your mind – you can choose to overpower it with the happy memory that you have created together.

Through all my experiences of grief, I’ve learned that I’m resilient and determined. And since I retrained as a life coach, it’s been a privilege to be able to help other people going through the same thing. The reason I’m able to do that is because of the boys, my relatives who are no longer there, and my clients who have given me this incredible education. Thank you to you all. ‘The Grief Survival Guide’ by Jeff Braizer is out now.

Holistic HEALING

The Point of

Acupuncture If you have persistent neck or back pain, you might want to try this traditional Chinese treatment. But does acupuncture work? Is it safe? And how can wellness pass through the eye of a needle?

Writing | Rebecca Thair

C

hinese acupuncture is an ancient traditional therapy that looks to resolve illnesses and pain through the insertion of hair-fine needles into points on the body in order to bring harmony to the body’s energy flow or qi (pronounced “chee”). Practitioners believe that when the body’s qi gets blocked by factors such as stress or poor eating habits, pain and illness can occur. Fine needles are inserted into the body’s energy focal points – called meridians – to stimulate the flow of energy in these areas and rebalance your qi. Here’s how it works

July 2017 • happiful • 43

Feature | Acupuncture

The Body Meridians

2 centreline meridians

12 principal meridians

Where did acupuncture originate?

Dating back some 2,000 years, Chinese acupuncture is a treatment that derives from traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) for therapeutic and preventative purposes. The aim is to allow the optimum flowing of a person’s qi to encourage the body’s natural healing processes to flourish. The first known book of TCM, from which all styles of modern acupuncture can trace their roots, dates back to the Han Dynasty between the first century BC and the first century AD. Qi is a cornerstone of TCM and encompasses both the physical energy from our muscles and the emotional energy we feel. When a person is in good spirits, happy and healthy, it is believed that their qi is balanced. As with the Japanese holistic therapy Reiki, this energy flows through the meridians in the body.

These points are the key places for an acupuncturist to focus on to rebalance the person’s qi by stimulating the energy with needles.

44 • happiful • July 2017

Today, acupuncture is a popular alternative therapy, and is even a recommended complementary treatment by the NHS. Some GPs and physiotherapists, as well as the NHS, can offer acupuncture treatment, but with limited access. The majority of people experiencing the treatment in the UK will go private. Western acupuncture is a variation of traditional Chinese acupuncture that takes place after a medical diagnosis.

Rather than focusing on energy flow, it looks to stimulate the nerves under the skin. Endorphins are released into the body through this stimulation and are believed to cause pain relief.

The National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) recommends acupuncture as a treatment for migraines and chronic tension-type headaches.

Outside of NICE guidelines, acupuncture is also used to treat chronic pain, joint pain, dental pain and postoperative pain.

Holistic HEALING

What’s the scientific support?

While studies are yet to find conclusive evidence of the positive effects of acupuncture on the whole, several recent studies’ results have found positive implications from the treatment.

A new paper published in June in The Journal of Physiological Sciences by Yukyung Lee et al. investigated the effect of acupuncture stimulation on the regulation of oxidative stress, which is a potential contributor to Parkinson’s disease. They gave mice acupuncture treatments over 12 days and found that it does seem to have a neuroprotective effect.

Another new study published in May in Clinical and Experimental Rheumatology by Cristina Lannuccelli et al. researched the pain-relieving effect of acupuncture on patients with fibromyalgia, a musculoskeletal condition. They found that acupuncture could be used as a complementary therapy to focus on neuropeptide Y (a neurotransmitter), which is used in pain modulation.

While these studies’ sample sizes are small, they do support the benefits of acupuncture for pain relief.

They might not have found an effective way to prove or disprove whether qi and the meridians are real, but as one of the most popular therapies in the UK – 2.3 million acupuncture treatments were carried out last year – it sure seems to be working just fine for the British public.

The Body Meridians

SHOULD YOUR PET HAVE ACUPUNCTURE? Yep, animal acupuncture is now a thing. Your cat, dog (or even horse) can now experience the benefits of acupuncture from licensed vets trained in traditional Chinese veterinary medicine. As with human acupuncture, the therapy can encourage pain relief endorphins, promote relaxation, and improve blood flow in your poor pooch. Unlike some prescription medicines, acupuncture may also lack some of the potentially harmful side effects for those animals with sensitive digestive systems.

We’re not saying our interest is pricked, but it’s definitely paws for thought.

How does the treatment work?

The first thing to stress is that the needles used in acupuncture are not the same size as those for injections – so those with a phobia of needles needn’t worry. An acupuncture needle can actually be as small as 0.12mm wide, and will feel more like a tingling sensation than a pin prick when inserted.

Firstly, an acupuncturist will have a consultation with you to find out what ailments you might have, and to learn about your medical history. As this is a holistic therapy, the therapist will be looking to learn about your lifestyle in general to understand how your energies might have been blocked. They’ll devise a treatment plan with you, which is likely to require a number of sessions, and may also advise on some lifestyle changes as well.

The needles are pre-sterilised and single-use, so there should be no fear of contamination – it’s a very safe practice. Depending on where the needles will be placed, you may have to remove parts of clothing. As with any therapy, it’s absolutely fine to let your therapist know if you’re uncomfortable with removing anything.

The needles are inserted into the skin depending on where the practitioner needs to stimulate your qi to achieve the necessary results. They can go deeper to affect your muscle tissue if needed. The acupuncturist will then leave you with the needles in place for around 30 minutes, for the treatment to maximise its benefits.

July 2017 • happiful • 45

‘For the most part people willFeature feel a deep| Acupuncture positive relaxation’

What happens after treatment?

ACUPUNCTURE & ME happiful reader Jo’s treatment “I was a bit nervous before my first acupuncture session – I’m not the biggest fan of needles (who is?!) – but my therapist was really professional and explained everything clearly, so I felt reassured and looked after.

The needles didn’t hurt; it’s nothing like having an injection because the needles are so fine! It was a weird sensation that started with a feeling of coldness in my hand, which radiated up my arm to my injured shoulder.

After the session, my shoulder felt really relaxed and less painful, and I think that improved the efficacy of my follow-up physiotherapy sessions.”

46 • happiful • July 2017

Most people describe feeling very relaxed afterwards, so it’s advised to be careful if you’re driving home. Also, drink plenty of water, and avoid alcohol. The treatment will hopefully reduce any chronic pain you’ve been experiencing, however this may take several sessions.

Acupuncture can help you sleep better too, and can help with migraines.

Some people have found that acupuncture can even help reduce feelings of nausea, as well as helping reduce the pain associated with arthritis.

While for the most part people will feel a deep, positive relaxation following treatment, a few people might experience the odd side effect. This tends to be a sensation of fatigue or slight muscle ache, but most people should find a welcoming emotional release. This is believed to be the body’s energies being unblocked, but any reactions should be discussed with the acupuncturist to ensure you receive the most effective treatment possible for you.

Visit therapy-directory.org.uk to find an acupuncturist near you, or to learn more about this ancient Chinese traditional therapy.

Interviews by Lucy Cavendish

MEET THE

The British public is obsessed with agony aunts. But what are they like in real life?

And how do they cope with so many problems? happiful speaks with five famous agony aunts who have their fingers on the nation’s pulse

Feature | Agony Aunts

Hello Bel! Tell us about your column.

My advice column appears every Saturday in the Daily Mail, over two pages, with a potential readership of around six million. It consists of two letters, a very personal side column called “And Finally”, which readers love, and a top quotation – a thought for the week. I choose very carefully to be uplifting and/or thought-provoking.

Do you get letters from women and men?

More women than men – although I do get very interesting letters from men, and love to use them.

Are some topics more difficult than others?

Not really. I do notice that other advice columnists tend to shy away from bereavement, but that is one of my chosen subjects. Many years ago, I received

How long have you been an agony aunt?

I began with The Times in 2005, and moved to the Mail two years later, so 12 years in all.

And how old are you?

I turned 70 last October – which is an important event. I celebrated another step in the accumulation of life experience and, I hope, wisdom!

Does an agony aunt need qualifications?

I regard my whole life story as “qualification” enough – having experienced bereavement; family problems in childhood and then later too; nursing a sick child; acute disappointments in my career, marital difficulties ending in divorce; and rebuilding and remarriage and reinvention. Having said that, I also did a short couples counselling course with the Tavistock Institute, and greatly enjoyed five day-courses with the excellent Human Givens organisation, focusing on issues relevant to my column. A third factor is my deep love of literature. All the books, poems and plays I have read I count as “training”, since the whole human spirit is there.

How did you become an agony aunt?

Sandra Parsons, then features editor at The Times, suddenly had a lightbulb moment – that I could write a very personal, “literary” and wide-ranging advice column. I was unsure at first, but quickly realised this is my vocation.

Do you take your work home with you?

I work at home, so it’s always here. But I used to find the invisible presence of so much unhappiness under my roof disconcerting and sometimes depressing.

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The problems I find most upsetting concern toxic family problems.

As a grandmother, I can’t bear to read of their sorrow an award from Cruse Bereavement Care for writing about the subject. The problems I find most upsetting concern toxic family problems and grandparents not allowed to see their grandchildren. As a grandmother, I can’t bear to read of their sorrow.

Do men and women ask different questions?

No, they don’t. Unhappy relationships and bad marriages abound, although more men complain about not getting enough sex. To be frank, that’s not a subject I enjoy very much – because what can you say? Bereavement, loss and the point of life itself – those have no gender.

Do you get any trends in subjects?

In my 12 years, the subjects have been constant – and there’s been no increase in problems in relationships due to porn addiction, which I find rather surprising.

Finally, Bel, what have you learned about human relationships?

So much! My postbag brings proof of petty conflict, but also proof of the saving power of human love.

happiful CHATS

Hello Emma! Who do you work for, and for how long have you been an agony aunt?

The Sunday Times, and eight months!

How old are you?

I’m 32.

Do you have any agony aunt qualifications?

No, but having hosted radio shows for the last six years, I’ve listened and given informal advice to a lot of people.

How did you become an agony aunt?

Eleanor Mills, editor of the Sunday Times magazine, invited me to become one, and named the column after my no-nonsense but kind approach to problems, hence the “Tough Love” column was born!

How big is the ‘Tough Love’ mailbag?

A few sincere ones a week.

Do you take your work home with you?

I carry their problems the whole week and then write my answers by Thursday.

My editor named the column after my no-nonsense but kind approach to problems, hence ‘Tough Love’ was born!

Do you get more letters from women?

I think marginally more women. But only just.

Are there some topics you find more difficult than others?

Yes – where there is no clear answer, and also where it’s not my right to say – such as: “should I keep my baby?” Plus, a lack of detail in the letters can be a real problem.

Do women and men tend to ask different types of questions?

Men ask quite graphic sexual ones, and women go deeper with their emotions.

Have you noticed any ‘trendy’ subject matters of late?

Career issues, general confidence issues, and entrenched family rows.

What have you learned about human relationships?

They are messy, brilliant and damn cruel at times.

People need to be braver about asking for what they really want from another human being.

So, what happens to all those letters that don’t get answered?

They linger in my inbox, because you never know.

July 2017 • happiful • 49

Feature | Agony Aunts

For nearly 40 years, perfect strangers have been sending ‘Dear Deidre’ Sanders hundreds of letters a week, every week. We meet the nation’s agony aunt extraordinaire Hello Deidre, you hardly need an introduction, but could you explain to our readers who you work for?

I edit a problem page in The Sun newspaper seven days a week, and I answer a problem phone-in on ITV’s This Morning two mornings a week.

How long have you been an agony aunt?

Nearly 40 years.

And how old are you?

71.

Did you train, or receive qualifications?

I did all the training available through what was then the National Marriage Guidance Council (now Relate) short of becoming one of their counsellors, and over the years I have since trained in assertiveness, sexuality, domestic violence, child abuse, anger management, personal development, and I have written books on depression and on men’s and women’s sexual relationships. I was a founder patron of the National Association of People Abused in Childhood. I am also a patron of Family Lives;

50 • happiful • July 2017

the National Association for the Children of Alcoholics; and Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.

How did you become an agony aunt?

I worked from graduation as a journalist with an interest in relationships and family dynamics, and was headhunted from a consumer and women’s rights column in Woman’s Own magazine to the then new Daily Star in 1978, then finally to The Sun in 1980.

How big is your mailbag?

I get hundreds of emails and private messages on Facebook at The Sun every week and a similar volume of calls to This Morning.

Phew! So what happens to the problems that don’t get printed?

At The Sun, I work with a team of six counsellors and we prioritise sending every reader who writes in a personal reply within 24 hours. I select which ones will make for readable and informative columns once the readers have received their personal replies. We often write follow-up emails

happiful CHATS

I hardly move anywhere without hundreds of problems, emails and Facebook messages printed out, which I read through and work on at every available moment

Photography: Ken McKay/ITV/REX/Shutterstock

The readers are always with you?

I hardly move anywhere at any time without hundreds of readers’ problems, emails and Facebook messages printed out, which I read through and work on at every available moment.

It’s the only way to get it all done. I’m on holiday next week, but will be taking a few hundred in my suitcase. Luckily, I regard people feeling able to share their problems with me as an amazing privilege, and still get a buzz when we hear from someone saying “thank you” or “we have helped”.

This is not the royal “we” by the way! I couldn’t manage at all without my Sun team and the backup at This Morning.

or Facebook messages to readers with difficult problems to see if they have received the help they need and if we can be of further assistance.

How about at This Morning?

Viewers initially talk to one of a team of trained phone-answerers. If their call is not suitable for the phone-in, they are given details of relevant helplines and organisations. I do my best to give useful replies on air, but I often call the viewers back afterwards to offer more guidance, and This Morning’s support team are on hand to follow-up cases until we are confident things are improving.

Do you get a balanced mixture of men and women writing to you?

Maybe slightly more women, but it’s fairly even.

My columns have more or less equal numbers of problems from men and women.

Are there some topics you find more difficult than others?

More distressing, certainly – child abuse, for example.

Do women and men ask similar questions?

It’s much more similar these days than in the past.

So it’s all-encompassing?

I see this ongoing service we provide at both The Sun and This Morning as totally vital – in a way the column and phone-ins are a signpost to the support available.

Do you receive lots of letters about ‘on trend’ subjects?

No day goes by now without me receiving problems linked to someone’s use of their phone to flirt with, sext, or date people outside their relationship, or view pornography.

With so many problems, do you take your work home with you?

It’s often on my mind – and there is a lot of it!

Finally, Deidre, what have you learned about human relationships?

They’re complicated – and crucial.

July 2017 • happiful • 51

Feature | Agony Aunts

Hello Louisa, who do you work for?

The Amorist, which is a new print magazine about love and sex. I share my post with the writer Damian Barr, who is the agony uncle to my aunt. He is male and gay, funny and caustic, with a streak of goldenhearted responsibility; I am straight and female, golden-hearted and responsible, with a streak of caustic and funny. It’s a good balance.

And how long have you been an agony aunt?

Three weeks!

Amazing. How old are you?

Halfway to ancient.

Do you have any qualifications?

Not specific to being an agony aunt, no. But I have a history degree, so I have learned how to look at situations and consider them from different angles.

There’s nothing like trying to unpick a civil war from original documents to set you up for questioning motives and disentangling undertones.

I’ve learned that women are exceptionally obliging and men are selfish oafs. In the future, I expect to learn that men are angels and women are foul demons Any training?

Nothing professional. When I was a journalist, I did a great many various interviews, which taught me to listen and be responsible for how I related to people, particularly in writing. And for 20-odd years I’ve been a novelist, which means that, like Miss Marple, my job is to look at human nature. I spend most of my professional life wondering what would happen

52 • happiful • July 2017

if so-and-so did such-and-such, whether it would be a good idea, and how things would be likely to turn out. Almost always, the answer is: badly. Because we are fools, a lot of the time.

How did you become an agony aunt?

Our fragrant editor, Rowan Pelling, has known me a long time, and approached me. She approached Pamela Anderson first, but Pamela couldn’t do it.

How big is your mailbag?

We don’t know yet. Soon-to-be-vast, I hope.

Do you take your work home with you?

I work from home anyway, but regarding problems themselves, yes, I find myself still thinking them over after I’ve responded. I should probably learn not to do that.

Do you get a balanced mixture of letters from men and women?

So far, the problems that have come through have been from women. But there’s only been two — one in our first edition, and one on its way in the second.

Are there some topics you find difficult?

I really don’t want to address sex problems in any great detail. I don’t have a “twiddle here and poke there” practical attitude to sex, and words like “caress” make me feel ill. I am also very grateful that we are unlikely to get problems from children.

What have you learned about human relationships?

That women are exceptionally obliging and men are selfish oafs. I fully expect to learn in the near future that men are angels of sweetness and women are foul demons from beyond the pale.

And what will happen to letters that don’t make it?

Only two editions are out, so we’re waiting for readers to decide whether ours are the shoulders on which they want to weep.

happiful CHATS

Hello Virginia, who do you write for?

I am the agony aunt at The Idler and The Oldie.

How long have you been an agony aunt?

Nearly 40 years.

And how old are you?

I am 73.

Do you see the need for qualifications or training?

I don’t have any qualifications but I see that as a great advantage. I am really trained as a journalist which, I think, works well. Counsellors listen to people whereas I have to come up with an answer. I also know what works on a page, and what questions will hold the reader’s attention.

I also feel qualified because I’ve probably had more counselling than just about anyone. I have been depressed since the age of eight. I have done everything from group therapy to psychoanalytic to CBT. How did you first become an agony aunt?

I started out as a freelancer and I was a single parent and desperate for work. I went to a lunch at Woman magazine and persuaded the editor to hire me, and that was that. I felt equipped to do the job as my mother was an alcoholic and suicidal all her life, and I just thought it was better to take care of people than let them kill themselves.

I feel qualified as an agony aunt because I’ve probably had more counselling than just about anyone. I have been depressed since the age of eight How big is your mailbag?

It varies. There’s no problem I can’t shed light on.

What happens to the all the problems that don’t get printed?

If I feel something needs referring on, I refer on to counsellors or psychotherapists. I answer all letters.

I take them home and often write long replies.

So you do take your work home with you?

Yes I do. I think it is my responsibility to treat people’s problems with thought and concern, so I answer them privately. I think it’s my duty to reply to everyone. I am not in the business of making money from people’s misery.

Do you get more women writing to you than

men, or is it balanced?

I think it’s an odd crowd who write to agony aunts.

I do tend to get more letters from women, but men do write in.

Are there any topics that you find more difficult than others?

Yes. I can’t deal with child abuse. It’s really horrid and I don’t like hearing about that.

Do women and men tend to ask different types of problem questions?

Women like to ask about relationships and men tend to ask about sex.

Do you get ‘trend’ subjects, and if so, what’s been the most salient of late?

Not really. In the past, there was a lot about STDs, but people are much better informed now. There’s a lot about growing older and phobias and loneliness, and not so much about sex. Really, everyone is far more unhappy and confused than anyone realises – and that’s not down to social media. It’s just that we all find it difficult to be truthful about our lives and we all put up a good act.

Finally, what have you learned about human

relationships?

I couldn’t have survived without them, and I am not alone in that.

July 2017 • happiful • 53

True Life | My Story

Real people.

Amazing journeys.

Hope’s story 55 James’s story 58 Nina’s story 61 Carl’s story 64 Lacey’s story 67 Ask the experts

70

In a perfect world

74

Write for happiful 75

54 • happiful • July 2017

Real INSPIRATION

Hope’s story

I spent a year in a mental hospital battling anorexia Hope Virgo thought her anorexia was her best friend. In truth, it was destroying her life. Through courage and willpower, she finally discovered how to defeat her enemy

L

ying in bed, the smell of vomit and sweat lingering over me, I couldn’t help feeling completely trapped, worthless and lost. I didn’t know what to do. I would rather be dead than keep on living like this. I thought back over the last day. I’d managed to survive on just an apple and, while most days were the same, I still got a feeling of success

from it. As I walked home after netball practice, I knew that I would miss dinner, but when I got back my mum made me eat some food. Some days I had the energy to fight back, but this wasn’t one of those days. I was too tired, so I ate it quickly while downing a couple of glasses of water. Afterwards, I headed upstairs, turned on the shower, knelt over the toilet and vomited.

July 2017 • happiful • 55

True Life | My Story

ons, y, less herap t p u o r 9am G t. s bed re acks. re n py, mo 11am S More thera . m t a s 0 e r .2 11 e s, mor lesson Lunch. y. m p 0 .3 herap 12 More t 1.15pm acks. n .

4pm S Visiting time n.

4.30pm Dinner. sessio 6.00pm erapy group h T e.

7pm ree tim 8pm F

We would queue up to be weighed, listening out for each other’s weight and then trying to read one another’s expressions to see how we felt

My head was spinning. I saw stars in front of my eyes. I allowed myself a moment of rest before doing it again. I kept going; I knew I had to. My anorexia urged me on. And I knew I would feel so much guilt if I didn’t get rid of all the food. I analysed my vomit in the toilet, making sure that everything was out. When my body was completely empty, I showered briefly and headed to my bedroom to work out for a few hours, before crawling into bed, exhausted from the day and knowing that in just a few hours this cycle would start again. At 5am, my alarm went off and I knew the pattern would start again. Weeks later, I was admitted to a mental health hospital.

The hospital admission paper said I had anorexia. But I wasn’t so sure. My ECG [electrocardiogram] results said my heart was in a critical position and could stop at any point. But did I really believe them? And did I really care? I couldn’t be about to die – I wasn’t even that thin.

After I arrived at the mental health hospital, I had no idea of the battle that was about to commence. Each day was the same. Beginning at 7.30am, we would queue up outside the medical room to be weighed, listening out for each other’s weight and then trying to read one another’s expressions to see how we felt about our weight.

I learned the drill pretty quickly. Each morning, as I stood on the scales in my underwear, it became ever more terrifying as my weight went up. Following the weigh-ins, breakfast was served at 8am. The rest of the day looked like this: • • • • • • • • • •

9am Group therapy, lessons, and bed rest.

11am Snacks.

11.20am More therapy, more lessons.

12.30pm Lunch.

1.15pm More therapy.

4pm Snacks.

4.30pm Visiting time.

6.00pm Dinner.

7pm Therapy group session.

8pm Free time.

56 • happiful • July 2017

The days were long, but I knew I had to keep going.

My first week was difficult. I was flung in to this hospital when I was just 17-years-old. All my friends were enjoying the freedom of upper sixth form and I was stuck here. I was angry at my parents for giving me no choice, and angry at my anorexia for making me like this. It was so unfair. Why did I have to be the person to get an eating disorder? I hated how trapped my life felt.

I had thought anorexia was everything to me. I thought she was my best friend, that she wanted to be there for me – but she didn’t. In reality, she didn’t give a shit about me. As I sit here now, in 2017, I can’t help but think back 10 years ago when I was sitting in hospital having just completed a 300-calorie snack. It felt like a whole other world.

As the battle began, I knew I had to beat anorexia but at the same time, I had to completely retrain myself.

I had been so scared of food, so afraid to talk, and so

Hope never truly believed that she was in a critical condition

Real INSPIRATION

‘Anorexia is not your friend.

She doesn’t care about you’

Without a year in hospital I could have died. I don’t want to tell you it was easy, nor has it been plain sailing. But recovery is possible and worth it headed out of the hospital and to a park with a lake.

The fresh air on my face, the chill running through my body – I knew I wanted to fight my anorexia.

A year later, I was discharged. I couldn’t quite believe it – a year in hospital – but I had done it. I was terrified. Part of me wanted to get skinny again but the other part knew this would probably kill me next time, so I stuck with it. I fought my anorexia night and day when she tempted me to slip. When she tried to suck me into her grasp, I refused to let her win. Not this time, and not ever!

Looking back, I know that without that year in hospital I could have died. I don’t want to lie and tell you it was easy, nor has it been plain sailing ever since. But recovery is possible, and so worth it. Anorexia is not your friend. She doesn’t care about you and she doesn’t understand you. You think she’s your best friend but she is a manipulative bitch – and I promise you that life is so much better when you realise this. Once you understand she is your enemy, you can start living, and enjoying food again.

obsessed with anorexia that it had become the norm.

Now I knew it wasn’t normal. I was lucky I had such an amazing group of staff supporting me, and I owe them everything.

My first week flew by and it was all a bit of a blur.

As I ate food, and my weight crept up, I immediately became afraid of getting fat. The days in hospital turned into weeks, then months, and as my 18th birthday approached I couldn’t quite believe how long I had been there.

My biggest frustration was how quickly the weight went on and how the mental side took so long to catch up. But I knew I was getting there. I had a dream to travel, have children, run marathons and go to university, so I had to keep fighting. And I learned to talk about how I was feeling. I looked forward to my weekly runs with worker Mandy, a bonus treat for me as the hospital knew how much I liked running. It was activities like this that gave me hope, and gave me a reason to keep going. I remember the first run. We

Hope has written a book on her experiences, hoping to help inspire others struggling with an eating disorder. ‘Stand Tall Little Girl’ by Hope Virgo is published by Trigger Press.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Fe Robinson, MUKCP (reg), MBACP (reg) pyschotherapist and clinical supervisor, writes: Hope’s moving story underlines the importance of getting help if you are suffering with an eating disorder. Treatment is necessarily intense, and it saves lives. I am inspired by the way Hope found a connection to activities she loved, and used her goals for the future to fuel her recovery. She makes the point that mental transition can take a long time following a change, and how important it is to keep focused.

July 2017 • happiful • 57

True Life | My Story

James’s story

I spent my teenage years supporting my alcoholic mother James Mowat grew up in a traumatising environment, but being abandoned by his mum gave him the motivation to make a success out of life

M

y parents divorced when I was four years old. I only have vague recollections of my mum as a child, apart from when she would promise to visit my sister and me, but not show up. I remember sitting on the driveway, looking up the road to the bus stop hoping to see her get off, but to no avail. Growing up with my dad wasn’t easy. He was strict and had a partner who was incredibly controlling. I felt very suffocated at home, but on the odd occasion I saw mum, she would give me loads of freedom. At 12-years-old, I ran away to live with her.

It wasn’t until a few months into my new life that I realised my mum was an alcoholic. Her new husband also had drinking problems. The pair of them would sit and drink a box of wine or two in the evening.

During my early teenage years, my personality changed tremendously, from a well-mannered child to someone who was angry, upset and at times felt abandoned due to mum’s drinking and volatility. I experimented with cannabis at 13, and my mum even allowed me to smoke – the freedom, eh?

My interest in school diminished, and things got worse between mum and her husband. The arguments

58 • happiful • July 2017

would escalate, and on numerous occasions mum left to live in refuges. This grew in seriousness to the point where mum was hit by her husband. I fought him, we’d leave, come back again, and the circle would continue.

This endless cycle of domestic violence led to mum and me being housed in a “mother and baby” unit in my home town. I was 14 and hadn’t seen my sister or dad in about two years. Mum’s drinking got worse.

She would vanish for days. I’d end up calling the police and the local hospitals to find out where she was. I was stealing to eat and my attendance at school dropped. I was on anti-depressants and sleeping tablets, meaning social services were called.

Mum’s drinking was incredibly bad at this point. She hid bottles all around the house, and I’d hear the metal cap of a bottle of vodka being loosened at 11pm and 6am

Real INSPIRATION

Mum would spend all day getting drunk in the park with alcoholics and drug users. I spent a lot of time with them, and even saved someone’s life when he overdosed, only for him to pass away, at just 16-yearsold, from another heroin overdose.

We stayed there for around 12 months. Mum dated different alcoholics and the cycle would go on, with her being so brutally beaten once that her hair was matted with blood, her eyes swollen with bruising, and her chin cut. The individual was sentenced to 12 months in prison. Eventually we moved into our own flat through the council. Mum’s drinking was incredibly bad at this point. She hid bottles all around the house, and I’d hear the metal cap of a bottle of vodka being loosened at 11pm and 6am. I would follow her sometimes and catch her shoplifting alcohol. Once I even warned a security guard because I didn’t want her to have her poison, and she was arrested.

I was 16 when a bailiff knocked on our door at 8am.

Mum hadn’t been paying the rent. We were removed on the spot. I went to sit on the wall outside the block of flats, but mum never returned. I ended up sleeping rough for a few nights until I called my sister – on a reverse charge.

I’d been banned from my father’s house by his girlfriend, so I had nowhere to go and no clue as to where mum was. Social services gave us the number of a local charity called Emmaus Project (now Step

by Step), a local youth hostel for homeless 16–25 year olds. They gave me a sleeping bag and promised me a bed after a couple of nights.

I was immensely grateful for the roof over my head, the food in my belly, and the support I was receiving from the wonderful people at Emmaus; but I wanted more. I wanted to make something of myself.

My dad helped me write a CV. I tried relentlessly to find a job and was interviewed and rejected repeatedly.

I was seen as just another homeless teenager, probably on drugs, and unreliably troublesome.

Eventually, I was employed at the jobseekers centre, but it was awkward as I saw a lot of people I was living with in the hostels.

I can’t remember how, but my sister tracked down my mum. Things hadn’t gotten any better with her condition, and her dependency was still really bad.

Things went quiet and I discovered she’d been put in prison for shoplifting again. She tried to get in contact with me after a few months but I couldn’t face it. Every time she reached out, she would drag me down to the extent that I needed counselling. This had to stop, so I made one of the hardest decisions in my life.

I cut her off.

I didn’t speak to mum for around three years. My sister was in touch with her, so I knew she was living in a place that was supporting alcoholics with a route back to the community. I was doing well, with a great group of friends and working as an international recruiter. I had a girlfriend, was earning reasonable money, and having fun like most 19-year-olds do. Over the next year, I spoke to mum on a couple of occasions, and she seemed to be getting back on track. She said she was off drinking, but I’d heard this so many times that I still kept her at arm’s length. Instead, I spoke to her keyworkers, who advised me on her progress, or lack of.

A year went by and I had moved into a bungalow with my girlfriend. Life was good, so I wanted to bury the hatchet and help her financially.

My whole body felt I set off with the intention of completely paralysed. surprising mum I fell in a heap, crying just ahead of Mother’s Day. uncontrollably I knocked on her door a few times and visited the bakery where she worked. They hadn’t seen her in a couple of weeks. I returned to the house but there was still no answer. I wrote my mobile number on her card and set off home.

A week went by and I hadn’t heard a peep from mum.

I knew something was wrong. Mum had always called me her little boy, through thick and thin. I was the apple of her eye. I knew as soon as she had my number,

‘Mum had always called me her little boy, through thick and thin’

July 2017 • happiful • 59

True Life | My Story

James and his colleagues have raised £3,500 for Step By Step

Never give up, or be a victim of your own story. Use your struggle to empower you

she would walk 20 miles to a phone box, but I’d not heard a word.

When my dad and sister turned up out of the blue to see me, I immediately knew what was wrong. My whole body felt completely paralysed. I fell in a heap, crying uncontrollably.

A few tough weeks went by of feeling every emotion possible. It was a deep internal pain I had never felt before. We were given the autopsy verdict. Mum had died of liver failure due to excessive alcohol consumption.

My emotions escalated for weeks on end. I was constantly blaming myself. Why did I wait so long to patch things up? I hated myself and shut myself away from everyone. I couldn’t be around alcohol or even walk into a pub because if felt like I was sitting with the person who murdered my mum.

I endured the pain on my own for years without acknowledging my feelings and problems. I have succeeded in my work life for the last 11 years, but didn’t consider how all of this trauma had affected me internally, limiting my ability to connect with people.

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Through my amazing sister Sarah’s encouragement, I’ve had counselling and coaching for the past year, which I would recommend to the end of the earth for anybody.

It’s helped me accept the past, reconnect with my dad and understand my behaviour. I feel incredible now, full of confidence and much more open with people.

I continue to work closely with Step by Step and my work, Energi People, support me tremendously in raising money for this fantastic homeless charity. To date we’ve raised around £3,500!

My aim now is to become a life coach to help people discover who they really are. In sharing my story, I hope people see that no matter what your circumstances, you’re capable of achieving anything.

Never give up or be a victim of your own story. Use your struggle to empower you. It’s the greatest feeling.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Rachel Coffey, BA MA NPL Mstr life coach, writes: James’s story shows us that however tough a start we have in life, we can build a new relationship with our past and create a positive future. Through his resilience and the insight he gained from coaching and counselling, James moved from barely coping to truly succeeding.

Real INSPIRATION

Nina’s story

My irrational thoughts were a sign of a nervous breakdown – but I couldn’t see it ‘There is only so much stress a brain can take before it short circuits’

Musician Nina Plapp found herself in a world of anxiety, depression and superstitious beliefs. With help from her friends, she gradually found peace, happiness and a bright future

J

ust after Christmas 2013, I was making my way across London to the airport when I stopped in my tracks. The worst thing that could possibly happen had happened. There, on Oxford Street, was a shop window display containing shoes, dresses and bright yellow bags. Among these innocuous items were giant, plastic sunflowers. My heart began to race and I felt a wave of adrenaline. “The plane will NOT crash because of these sunflowers,” I warned myself.

“This is not a sign.”

I began bargaining with the irrational part of myself, making deals with my inner panic.

“OK, if this really is a sign, then I will have to see sunflowers three times before I can really trust it.”

Three times? That was unlikely. I was only an hour from Heathrow. I felt smug. I had beaten my irrational side down. I finally arrived at Heathrow and all was well. I was returning to Abu Dhabi after a visit home to see my dad. I got into the airport lift and a man in a grey jacket, holding a bunch of sunflowers, shuffled

July 2017 • happiful • 61

True Life | My Story

over to give me space. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

“That’s still only twice,” I told myself.

As the lift doors opened, I couldn’t believe what I saw.

In front of me was a huge billboard, a woman smiling down, her head adorned with sunflowers, selling package holidays.

I turned on my heels, got back in the lift and fled the airport. I missed my flight home without a doubt in my mind that I was avoiding an enormous catastrophe.

It was so ridiculous, almost funny to me now, but this was the thought process of someone in the middle of a nervous breakdown.

In the months leading up to my “sunflower” moment, a few things had happened. I had become estranged from my brother, who I adored. I had broken up with my long-term partner, lost one of my close friends, packed up my Hong Kong home of four years, and made a rash decision to move back to the UK. I then paid a visit to my mother, whom I hadn’t seen in three years (it didn’t go quite according to plan).

It was so ridiculous, but my thought process was that of someone in the middle of a nervous breakdown There is only so much stress a brain can take before it short circuits and goes a bit wrong. The mix of culture shock, grief and personal chaos left me in a state of high anxiety. I couldn’t eat properly, sit still or sleep, and I would often throw up violently for no reason.

I started to become paranoid. I was convinced family members would cause me harm if I went back to my home town and I didn’t feel safe in London. Walking down the street, I felt a sense of constant danger from strangers. It never occurred to me that these weren’t normal feelings.

But I didn’t want to think about personal pain. I wanted to keep as busy as I could. I thought I just had to keep on moving. I pushed for work and ended up doing gigs and concerts in different cities and crashing at friends’ houses. I don’t think I spent one week in the same bed for a three-month period.

I tried to reconnect with friends who had settled down. I was active socially, had started dating again, had lost a ton of weight, and was always positive. I even

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got offered a full scholarship for my dream masters programme at music college.

At some point during this period, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I turned down the scholarship, sacked off loads of music work, failed to show up for a good friend’s wedding and made another rash move, this time to Abu Dhabi, with my ex. As soon as I got there my manic energy deflated. It was replaced with insomnia, physical pain and despair. I started having frequent, daily panic attacks.

My mood matched the desolate desert that surrounded me. Living in a hotel for the first few months, my days consisted of sitting with the curtains drawn, crying all day, and living in fear of housekeeping knocking on the door. This is the same person who has been traveling solo since 19. Now, at 29, I couldn’t even leave my hotel room.

I felt pathetic.

I began to dread going outside in the car, because every time my partner put the car radio on, I would break down. By this time crying was painful, as my muscles were so sore. I had developed back pain from hours of sobbing and constant trembling. It affected my ability to play music. I tried iron supplements, vitamin supplements, and all kinds of supplements in the hope that the drawn woman staring back at me in the mirror would disappear.

Eventually I forced myself to leave the hotel room on my own. I went up to the rooftop pool to sit in the sunshine. I thought swimming might be good for my body, which felt like it was falling to bits. I imagined myself to be dying a lot of the time.

A heavy sense of doom and guilt sat on my shoulders.

The sky felt so low it was pressing down on my head, and there were constant clouds in my peripheral vision.

That’s when my sunflower superstition started.

Somehow my brain latched on to sunflowers. A common theme for cafes and shops in Abu Dhabi, they became a symbol of doom. Of course, when your brain is looking for something it becomes a bloodhound, and I would see sunflowers wherever I went.

Keeping friends when you are fighting depression is hard enough; making new ones is almost impossible.

The usually extroverted woman that I am turned into a silent, grey person who couldn’t keep one thought long enough to finish a sentence. Besides, who would want to know me anyway? I was worthless.

My sense of isolation became real isolation. I wanted to get better, to get back to feeling like myself. When I could handle it, I went to a group fitness session.

That’s when I met Jayme.

Jayme didn’t expect me to be full of jokes or smiles

Real INSPIRATION

I began to dread going in the car, because every time my partner put the car radio on, I would break down. By this time crying was painful, as my muscles were so sore

‘The thing that helped me was time, and the patience of people around me’

or impress her with my sparkling personality. We became friends. Sometimes we went for ice cream or sometimes she would just come to the hotel after she had finished teaching. The immense kindness and patience Jayme showed me during that time still makes my heart ache today. I didn’t get any medical help for my breakdown and, looking back, I probably should have. I’ve been left with muscular pain that might have been prevented had I been on the right medication or got help earlier.

The thing that helped me was time, and the patience of those around me. Slowly but surely, I pieced my life back together. Friends and sometimes wise strangers would say things that would click a little bit of me back into place. I got some cats. I started playing and working in music again. My relationship with my ex didn’t work out but we remained friends.

I still had random outbursts of tears and my confidence took the slow approach home. I began to read books and write dark, pretty terrible poetry.

About a year later, I woke up one day and realised I was OK. I didn’t feel quite happy, but I felt OK and that is an epic victory for someone emerging from the dark. I didn’t feel anxious or panicked or guilty. I felt at peace. I was grateful for every day without a sense of

dread, for the simplest pleasures like going for a walk with a smile on my face, waking up with a sense of purpose, or even just a sitting on a bus in the rain.

Three years on, and I am actually happy.

I am better than back to normal. I am getting married soon and Jayme is one of my bridesmaids. I look after my mental health as much as I can, and I seek support when life throws me too many curveballs to cope with on my own.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Fe Robinson, MUKCP (reg.), MBACP (reg.) pyschotherapist and clinical supervisor, writes: Nina’s story highlights how any of us can be overwhelmed by circumstances when a number of difficult things happen in short succession. It also shows how cumulative the effects of life experiences can be if we do not have outlets to keep ourselves well. It is heartening to hear how much connection with someone else helped her recovery. It really is good to talk about what is happening to you, however difficult it may initially seem.

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True Life | My Story

Carl’s story

In 2012, Carl received a bravery award at Downing Street

I was shot at six times, but it took me years to come to terms with the aftermath A decorated police officer, Carl Rosier-Jones survived a terrifying incident, but the trauma phobia that followed took him on a long, emotional, but rewarding journey

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Real INSPIRATION

P

TSD was something I sort of knew about but never had an opinion on. Now I do. I wanted to do something with my life. I wanted to wear a uniform as a career. In 2000, at the age of 24, I joined the police. It was everything I wanted it to be, a role that carries responsibility like no other, and I am good at what I do.

I worked hard. I gave up so much of my life to do the job. I qualified to do specialist roles and was proud of my contribution to the thin blue line. I had no time for personal life: the job needed me. I rarely went sick. I worked through all types of injuries and illness. I was even put in hospital three times for doing my job, but none of these incidents come close to why I am writing this personal story.

In January 2011, I was working a night shift and attended a domestic dispute. Blue lights on and heading to the scene, the radio was going and my colleague was taking details. With hindsight, this incident needed to have a big warning label across it.

The short story was that on arrival all was calm. The female had a red mark across her face and said she had been hit by her partner. The next stage was the arrest, but it did not go smoothly.

After saying the words to the suspect, all hell broke loose. For the next six years, I have been coming to terms with what happened next. He pulled a gun from under the cushion he was sat on, pointed it at me, and pulled the trigger six times. I saw the recoil of the gun, something coming from the muzzle and a loud bang, bang, bang … followed by another bang, bang, bang.

I knew I was going down and made an instant choice to go down fighting. I fought as hard as I could, I was attacked by his mate that was sat next to him, and then his dog, but I did not stop. After what seemed like hours, I had him in cuffs and was shoving him out the house as quickly as I could.

It was only after he had been put into a secure cage at the back of our van that I stopped and thought about anything. I checked myself. There was no blood. Could he have missed? Are the bullets stuck in my stab proof?

I had no time to think about this because I had an important job to do. He was booked into custody and after hours of paperwork I eventually got home.

I returned to work the next night and got on with my job. I had plans. In February 2011, I was being mobilised as an Air Force Reservist and was due to go to Afghanistan. I focused through the next few weeks. I was told the suspect had admitted to what he had done, and the gun had turned out to be firing blanks. He was later sentenced to three-and-a-half-years.

That’s the end of that, I thought.

I went off to Afghanistan and actually enjoyed my tour being based in Camp Bastion and a week

in Kandahar. Again, I considered myself to be very lucky. For me, it was a fairly uneventful tour. I had a great bunch of people around me and I worked hard, completing my tour and returned to my normal job in October the same year. I believe this one experience is the reason why I was able to function for as long as I did, almost like a break from the norm.

Turning 36 in 2012, I was honoured to be told I was going to London to receive a bravery award for the shooting incident the previous year. Attending 10 Downing Street and meeting the then Home Secretary, Theresa May, was a once-in-a-lifetime event.

He pulled a gun, pointed it at me, and pulled the trigger six times. I saw something coming from the muzzle and a loud bang, bang, bang Returning to work again, things felt fine but there was a small niggle. The award brought up a lot of memories as I had to re-live them for newspapers and magazines. I thought I had put it to bed, but this niggle grew over the next two years. I didn’t want to give in to it, as I knew that my colleagues would judge me. They would think I was weak or unworthy of working with them. I kept it a secret until the summer of 2014 when it all came to a head. My diet went out the window.

I was surviving on four hours sleep a day, and my concentration and physical health were going downhill.

Eventually I was signed off for a month.

I read books, went on training courses and realised they were not helping, so I took control of my own mental health. I worked through theories and methods, realising that everything in today’s world is just far too complicated. With my experiences, my knowledge and ability to write reports, I ended up writing a book, The Cavemen Principles, and used it to overcome my mental health secret, a completely debilitating illness.

I returned to work stronger and healthier, with a new focus. I qualified as a detective and was able to work on some interesting cases. But a new curveball was thrown my way last year. I attended an armed robbery, and once again everything came crashing down. One firearms incident, one job, and I was back at square one. I thought I had sussed it, but mental health is not something we can ever fully comprehend. As I was coming to terms with it all, I felt ostracised from my team, a burden to my work, and a “problem to society” as I struggled to understand what had happened.

Now with a diagnosis of having a “trauma phobia”

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True Life | My Story

‘My new focus is to help others who struggle with mental health’

linked to PTSD, it is still difficult for me to come to terms with it all. I can operate at 95% most of the time, but it is only when a trigger happens that I become a jibbering wreck and cannot control anything, something a police officer cannot allow to happen in any situation.

I felt ostracised from my team, a burden to my work, and a ‘problem to society’ as I struggled to understand what had happened When I try to explain this to people, they look at me as if I have just made it up. I can hear their thoughts.

They think that I am not worthy of doing the job I love, that I am crazy, or just lazy and not worthy of being part of anything bigger. It is written over their faces when I try to explain. Supervisors saying, “I don’t get it” doesn’t help either. I have no physical scars, no marks, and nothing on show. Indeed, people have no idea until it all goes wrong. I can understand their thought processes, but feel undervalued and worthless when they know my secret.

I consider myself very lucky. I have no depression and I know the exact trigger that sets me off, but it does not help control it. I am determined to get control of this, but it is hard going, and it is a very long and emotional journey. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I am being pushed down another route. Instead of

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fighting it, I am trying to embrace it. It is a fascinating and an interesting subject, covering how the human brain works and why we do what we do. It now has my full attention. Although policing has always been my number one job, due to the experiences, exposure and exhilarating incidents I have been part of, I do fear for my long-term mental health.

The work is something that I will always cherish, and would even yearn to do all again if I had the chance, including the incident in 2011.

My new focus is to help others who struggle with mental health. I am determined to show that PTSD and mental illness are nothing to be scared of. I now give talks about my experiences, helping people and organisations understand mental health better. I explain that other peoples’ thoughts, and worrying about being the Mr or Mrs Teflon, are part of the condition and we need to change. My next book is slowly emerging and I hope one day it will be published so it can help as many people as possible.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Nathan Fox MBACP Adv Dip Counselling

Carl’s story is one of courage, not only in the course of his job but also in the face of his PTSD. Carl has channelled his experience into helping others who are also struggling, and has taken on the giant task of changing people’s conceptions of mental health.

Taking positive action can help to take control of a situation and give us hope for the future.

Real INSPIRATION

Lacey’s story

I tried to convince myself I was physically ill, not mentally ill Writer Lacey London refused to believe she had anxiety and depression. With loving support from her mum, she gained the strength to face her torment

L

ooking around the doctor’s waiting room, tears slipped down my cheeks as I desperately tried to hold it together. The rhythmic ticking of the clock caused my head to throb. How did I get here? How did the bubbly girl, that everyone knew and loved, crumble into a sad, frightened and extremely lonely person?

I’ve always been a worrier, but my real battle with anxiety and depression started around seven years ago.

For no apparent reason, I started to deteriorate. I sat back and watched the person I was slowly disappear, until all that was left was an empty shell of a woman.

A woman who had fallen deep into an anxiety-fuelled depression. My light had been switched off and I had absolutely no idea how to get it back.

At first, I refused to believe there was anything wrong. I tried to convince myself, and those around me, that the constant nausea, the dread in my stomach, and the loss of appetite was due to nothing more than a bad case of gastroenteritis. Deep down, however, I knew something wasn’t right. It just took me a lot longer to realise it. Trying to keep a smile on my face and “powering on through” was my way of dealing with it, but pretending I had things under control was the biggest lie I told myself.

Despite my efforts not to acknowledge it, the agonising fear that hit me the second I opened my eyes became stronger every day. What started as “feeling a little down” quickly escalated to a very dark place.

I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. Even simple things like washing my hair seemed impossible. I just didn’t care enough to do anything anymore. Every ounce of happiness had evaporated, leaving me with nothing but a sense of emptiness. By this point, I couldn’t hide it anymore.

My bed was the only place I felt safe, but also where I felt my worst. Watching the world go by from my bedroom window is a feeling I will never forget It felt big. Bigger than big. Bigger than anyone could or would ever understand. The harder I tried to fight it, the worse it became. In the end, I decided to let it take

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True Life | My Story

Lacey found support through her mum (left) as well as through writing

control. I gave up fighting and allowed the hollowness to consume me. Sometimes, I could almost see it chomping through my spirit and nibbling away at any glimmer of hope I dared to believe in. For days on end I would hide in my bed, cowering beneath the duvet in a desperate bid to block out the world. My bed was the only place I felt relatively safe, but ironically, it was also where I felt my worst. Watching the world go by from my bedroom window and wondering when I would be a part of it again is a feeling I will never forget.

When the doctor first mentioned anxiety and depression, I wanted to scream in frustration. I didn’t know whether I should laugh or cry. She just didn’t get it. I wasn’t mentally ill. I was physically ill.

Surely a mental illness couldn’t cause the symptoms I was experiencing? The shakes, the sickness, the all-encompassing panic that gripped my body? I was adamant there was an underlying condition that was making me feel this way. I believed the doctor was trying to fob me off. I felt she was glossing over what I was saying with the dreaded “d” word.

After initially ignoring the doctor’s diagnosis, I spent weeks scouring the internet, desperate to prove her wrong. On the surface, I had absolutely nothing to be depressed about, so why had something gone so fundamentally wrong to make me feel this way? Why, is the one question I asked myself over and over again.

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It’s a question I still don’t have the answer to today. I tried to link it to my parents separating, my work or the stresses of everyday life, but I genuinely couldn’t feel a connection between them.

It took me a long time to accept that anxiety and depression were the causes of my torment. It also took me a long time to accept there is no quick-fix. There’s not an over-the-counter pill or a quick vaccination to stop the anxiety in its tracks. Discovering this dealt me another huge blow. Not only was I in a hellhole, I was stuck there and that was more frightening than the anxiety itself.

When the doctor first mentioned anxiety and depression, I wanted to scream in frustration My mum was my secret weapon when it came to taking control of my anxiety. Being a sufferer herself, she recognised the symptoms long before anyone else did. Having someone who understood exactly what I was experiencing was invaluable. Because she had been through the same thing herself, she could relate

Real INSPIRATION

I have slipped back into the dark world of anxiety and depression on a few occasions, but I believe my worst days are behind me

to me on a deeper level than other people. She didn’t make me feel silly or pathetic during the times I would completely breakdown in the grips of a panic attack.

She didn’t tire of my constant questions and need for reassurance that everything would turn out OK. She didn’t look at me the same way that other people did.

Like many others with anxiety and depression, including my mum, I concealed my emotions behind a mask. Learning to remove the mask and admit that my mind needed help, and not my body, was the first step I took on the journey to taking back control of my life.

As strange as this may seem, I wouldn’t change that period of my life as I believe I am a better person for going through it. Feeling as though you want to pull the plug on your life isn’t something you forget in a hurry. Being so close to tapping out and pressing “game over” made me see the world in a new light. It enabled me to realise what is truly worth worrying about and what isn’t. Anxiety cascading into my life taught me a lot about matters of the mind and a lot about myself, as you never know how strong you truly are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

Over the years, I have slipped back into the dark world of anxiety and depression on a few occasions, but I believe my worst days are behind me. With each bout of anxiety, I handle it better than the last, and I can now snap myself out of a downward spiral, almost as quickly as I fall into it. I’ll probably always have the odd wobble, and there will probably be another time when anxiety takes me back to that awful place, but I live without fear as I know I can control it, if and when it happens.

My mental demons may have taken away a portion of my life that I will never get back, but they have led me to a better future. Overcoming anxiety gave me the confidence to take a leap of faith and follow my dreams of becoming a writer. The most pivotal point

on my journey with anxiety came in the form of my latest release, Anxiety Girl. My aim was to show other sufferers that there is light at the of the tunnel, and that they’re not alone in their battle with mental health. If self-help techniques and cognitive behavioural therapy can help me to take back control of my life, then it might help you, too. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help, don’t be afraid to speak up about how you really feel, and don’t be afraid of the judgement of others. It’s perfectly OK to admit that you’re not okay.

OUR EXPERT SAYS

Graeme Orr, MBACP (Accred) UKRCP Reg Ind Counsellor, writes: Finding it hard to accept her depression, Lacey has given up. With her mum having experienced depression as well, she offers Lacey the help she needs. Standing beside her listening, not trying to fix things, she supports her in reaching the moments where she can move forward. Lacey gains acceptance, knowing that she can live her dreams.

FURTHER HELP? If you or someone you know has been affected by the issues covered in True Stories, and would like to talk to a professional, please visit: counselling-directory.org.uk The views expressed in True Stories are not necessarily those of the publisher.

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True Life | Ask the Experts

Ask the Experts Troubled? Confused? Need advice?

Our happiful professionals are here to help

COUNSELLING

I can’t control my clutter!

Five ways to stop yourself hoarding Clutter, both physical and mental, can lead to a repetition of past choices and mistakes, as well as a reduction in your ability to keep up with the speed of life. Hoarding is a widespread trait in the UK, but what can we do about it?

GET RID OF RUBBISH A good rule of thumb is if you haven’t used something in the past 12 months, you probably don’t need it. This isn’t a hard or fast rule, but research has shown that a tidy physical space can have a positive impact on our mental health – so try applying it in both your work and home life.

DECLUTTER YOUR VIRTUAL LIFE The internet can be a great place to store information and to keep in touch with loved ones, but social media use has also been linked with depression and feelings of inadequacy. It might be time to clean out your Facebook newsfeed for a more positive online environment.

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GET ORGANISED You’ll feel far less stressed by being able put your hand on information you need right away.

FILTER THE GOOD STUFF We continually get new information in life. If you’re making new space, you don’t want to fill it back up with old bad habits.

FINISH INCOMPLETE JOBS Work through your to-do list because every unfinished project takes up a little piece of our brain power, leaving less room for creativity and inspiration.

Decluttering can be tough, so start small and build to bigger things. Sentimental items can boost your mood, so you don’t need to lose everything, but reflect on how you feel after clearing something out. Take as long as you need and go at your own pace. Written by Nathan Fox, MBACP Adv Dip Counselling. Read the full article on counselling-directory.org.uk

Practical ADVICE

Healing is, and always will be, the focus of therapy

THERAPY

What is ‘tapping’ and how can I start using it?

Psychological acupressure aims to unblock energy Emotional freedom techniques (EFT), or tapping therapy, works on your emotional wellbeing. EFT’s discovery statement is that “the cause of all negative emotions is a disruption in the body’s energy system.” It’s this understanding of the human body and mind that guides the therapy.

EFT works by gently tapping fingertips on the end points of specific energy meridians, situated just beneath the surface of the skin. EFT practitioners are able to tune in with, engage, and then rectify any imbalances or blockages in the energy system. This often leads to the receiver of the treatment feeling less distressed, more focused and with a new-found sense of inner peace.

Healing is, and always will be, the focus of therapy. When the notion of healing is adopted and considered to be the individual’s dominant attitude towards life, it inevitably leads to the attainment of inner peace and reconciliation of acceptance and forgiveness. Written by Liam Modlin, EFT Practitioner. Read the full article on therapy-directory.org.uk

WELLBEING

Someone said I have ‘bigorexia’ – what is that?

Bigorexia or Muscle Dysmorphic Disorder (MDD) is a psychological condition where someone is anxious about their lack of muscle definition and size. It’s a sub-type of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) that causes a person to have a distorted view of how they look.

Those with MDD develop obsessive thoughts about the shape and size of their bodies, and never feel satisfied with what they see in the mirror. Other people’s opinions are discounted and the sufferer relies solely on their own perception of their body, which is what maintains the condition.

Bigorexia can affect both men and women. Perceiving their body as being too small, despite exercise regimens, can lead to obsessive thoughts about getting bigger, negatively comparing themselves to others, and compensatory behaviours that drive their obsession. These behaviours may include extreme dieting, excessive exercising, steroid abuse, surgery and withdrawal from family and friends. MDD can also leave the sufferer vulnerable to becoming anxious or depressed when, after all their hard work, they still feel unsatisfied with their body.

MDD can leave a person distressed and can impact on daily functioning and relationships. Awareness of the problem is the first and most important step. Support from family and friends can help the sufferer talk about it, and mental health professionals can work with them to help them understand the feelings that are driving the obsessive behaviour and recover from this condition. Written by Dr Mark Rackley. CPsychol AFBPsS. Read the full article on counsellingdirectory.org.uk July 2017 • happiful • 71

True Life | Ask the Experts

MOTIVATION

Ask yourself what’s the one thing that you can do today to begin your journey to where you want to be

My life is stuck in a rut

How to find a clear pathway through the woods LOOK TO THE FUTURE Sometimes it can actually be easier to decide how you’d like things to be in six months from now, rather than next week. Don’t limit yourself; imagine it clearly. Ask yourself what’s the one thing, however small, that you can do today to begin your journey to where you want to be.

Every journey starts with the first small step.

Summer is finally here, but it doesn’t always mean we feel our best. Whatever’s holding you back in life – it could be work issues, stress or just wanting to move on – this is a great time of year to get your mojo back and feel like you again. Try these three life coach approaches to find your best path:

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FACE THE PAST If you feel something’s holding you back, face up to it and decide if it’s time to sort it out or let it go. Do what you need to in order to finally move on. You’ll be struck by how much lighter you feel once you stop letting it impact upon your life.

STRATEGIES FOR STRESS The ways we deal with pressure can actually perpetuate an issue.

Coaching helps you see things from a different perspective and put a new strategy together. Take the emotion out of it, and see things for what they are. You might be surprised how much more manageable things really are.

Written by Rachel Coffey, BA MA NLP Mstr. Read the full article on lifecoach-directory.org.uk

Practical ADVICE

NUTRITION

HYPNOTHERAPY

I am mortified by my constant blushing Understanding what’s fanning the red-faced flames

Why do I always feel bloated?

Clearing up the causes of your swollen tummy Many people struggle with bloating, so you’re not alone. Here are some of the most common reasons. You may find more than one applies to you: 1. BAD EATING HABITS Eating too fast, gulping drinks, or lacking certain enzymes to digest particular foods can result in bloating.

2. NOT ENOUGH FIBRE Fibre in fruit, vegetables, beans and grains helps to move food down the digestive tract. When food isn’t digested quickly enough, it can ferment in the gut and leave you feeling uncomfortable, and gassy.

3. NOT MOVING ENOUGH A sedentary lifestyle slows down the peristaltic function of your gut, leaving you both bloated and tired. Try to walk to work, get out at lunch, or set yourself a reminder to move about more often.

4. STRESS Your body needs time to rest and digest food, so if you’re always on the go then your body will be under strain, and digestion won’t be a priority.

5. IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME IBS is a long-term condition that interferes with the functionality of the bowel. It affects about one in five people in the UK. If you are experiencing IBS symptoms, visit your GP before making any dietary changes. Written by Aira Mahandru BA(Hons) DipNT mBANT mNNA mIFM CNHC. Read the full article on nutritionist-resource.org.uk

The symptoms of blushing can be overwhelming: feeling hot, palpitations, sweating, shakiness, and that awful feeling inside. The fear of it happening again can also mean the number of situations where we feel embarrassed can increase. Managing the situation often feels like a fulltime occupation. However there’s something you can do about it.

Blushing is your unconscious detecting some kind of threat in your midst, and instigating the flight-or-fight response by releasing adrenaline into your system. This causes the autonomic nervous system to turn your face red and for some, blotching on the neck as well.

Exploring why your unconscious thinks it’s a good idea to put you into protection mode can be the best help. Think back to the earliest instances of blushing you can remember, and consider how, as an adult, that situation could be interpreted now. These childhood events can have a variety of meanings, such as not feeling good enough, not wanting to be the centre of attention, or not saying anything for fear of making a mistake in public.

These meanings from the past can be reframed to provide a more useful pattern of behaviour, which includes losing the need to become embarrassed and red. Cognitive hypnotherapy can help people understand why they blush. By bringing the meanings from the unconscious into the conscious, clients can see how much more in control they can be. Written by Christine Black Dip C Hyp HPD NLP Master Prac RGN RSCN MNCH. Read the full article on hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk

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True Life | Final Thought

In a Perfect World Our July cover from a parallel universe

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Practical ADVICE

Publish your story in happiful magazine!

Writing can be an emotionally rewarding experience.

The purpose of happiful is to build a healthier society by empowering readers with inspiring true stories. For that to happen, we need your help.

If you’ve been on a personal journey and want to share your story in our magazine, then we would love to hear from you. Send us a quick message at:

editorial@happiful.com Remember to write ‘My journey’ in the subject line. Our team will reply as soon as possible to discuss your story in more detail.

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