Happiful Issue 76

Revolutionise your wellbeing with rewilding

Under pressure?

What to do when hyper-responsibility has a hold on you

EXCLUS NT IV I R

E

Walk on the wild side

ISSUE 76 £5.99

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DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

REACH YOUR GOALS THIS MONTH What will you achieve?

More than skin deep

Is stress behind your flare-ups?

7

benefits of Pilates that might surprise you

No gatekeeping!

Daydream believer Stop the info overload & let your imagination roam

“When you know yourself you are empowered.

When you accept yourself you are invincible TINA LIFFORD

Photograph | Vitalii Khodzinskyi

Under the surface “Pressure that’ll tip, tip, tip ‘til you just go pop…” Lin Manuel Miranda’s eternally catchy lyrics in Encanto hit on something many of our readers will find all too familiar.

Shouldering more responsibility than anyone can handle, being afraid of letting people down if you let something slip, and tying your worth to what you can do for others – it may be in a kids’ movie, but ‘Surface Pressure’ sure does a good job of expressing burnout and hyper-responsibility.

You might feel like you always need to have everything in hand, and while, at Happiful, we can share a myriad of ways to support your wellbeing, sometimes it’s about being intuitive and not forcing anything.

That’s what the lost art of daydreaming reminds us. Wellness isn’t always about a destination, or a specific goal; it can be about giving yourself space, a moment of pure freedom to allow your mind to roam, and explore the possibilities before it. To relish in the process, not knowing where it might take you.

Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge

So, while it’s not always easy, know that it’s OK to let go a little.

Working to maximum effort constantly will never be sustainable, so discover the concept of actionless action. You’ll be surprised at how much you can achieve from a place of calm, and an approach of ‘going with the flow’ now and then.

It’s also important to know that you don’t have to fit in a box of others’ expectations, by embracing your ADHD superpowers, and recognising the impressive attributes of introverts.

You might also find relief in taking a fresh perspective, as the social model of disability teaches us, or discovering the unexpected benefits of Pilates.

And even when you have those big picture goals your heart longs for, our print-exclusive journaling pages encourage you to focus on mini milestones to appreciate the progress that you might otherwise overlook.

So, for whoever needs to hear it: you don’t have to do it all. And you don’t have to do it right now.

Show yourself the compassion you give to others, and take a break from the hustle culture. Allow yourself to be, listen to what you need, and don’t be afraid of sitting still. Your mind might just reap the rewards.

Happy reading,

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

I | @happiful_magazine

Outside the box 12 What is actionless action?

Could this philosophy be the antidote to burnout and anxiety?

28

14 Dream a little dream

14

Swap doomscrollling for daydreaming

30 The social model Why it’s time to think differently about disability

33 Carrie Grant 8 lessons on modern parenting

49 The power of introverts Uncovering the quiet strength of this misunderstood personality type

80 Keeping without cluttering How to savour memories without holding on to more things

Relationships 22 Bringing someone in How to find the best couples therapist for you

29 How to take a compliment 38 A healthy influence 72 Why do we ‘test’ people?

Culture 7 Good news 11 The wellbeing wrap 40 Highly recommended 57 You need to read these

Food & health 36 Can Ayurveda help stress?

46 Refresh your tastebuds Thirst-quenching summer drinks

62 Up all night How to support a child with insomnia

77 Under the skin The emotional impact of skin condition

80

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22

Positive pointers 43 Shall we go back to nature?

48 Switch off after work 52 Finding meaningful work Seeing value in your role is vital

54 Pack your suitcases The ultimate guide to products that soothe travel anxiety

59 Raynor Winn The author on finding hope for the future when the odds are against you

Wellbeing

43

19 The power of Pilates 7 unexpected ways it can support you

25 What is hyper-responsibility?

And how can it impact those with OCD?

65 What’s on the horizon Understanding, and dealing with, anticipatory grief

68 Can ADHD be a superpower?

Our expert columnist weighs in

83 Devoted to you Dedicate 30 days to your needs with our guided journaling pages

Try this at home 17 Affirmations you need to try

49

*

Expert review Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

The drive to give 100%, earn that promotion, retire early, or to be something special, is a trap that many of us fall into – to the point where it can dominate our existence.

Overwhelmingly, it detracts us from everything else life has to offer. P12 wonderfully talks through the power of taking no action, and allowing things to naturally unravel. It provides a refreshing freedom, as it creates space for other aspects of you to be experienced and felt. You are in a state of welcoming new energy into your being – and who knows where it may lead?

24 Subtle signs of burnout

RAV SEKHON

71 Puzzling fun

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

BA MA MBACP (Accred)

74 Be there for the animals

Happiful Community Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

Our team EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls, Samantha Redgrave-Hogg | Senior Writers Becky Banham | Content & Marketing Officer Michelle Elman, Kieran Townsend | Columnists Ellen Lees | Head of Content Janette Owen | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

KIERAN TOWNSEND

HADASSAH LIPSZYC

BA (Hons) Dip. NLP AC MHFA

PGDIP MBACP

Kieran is a youth development coach and mentor.

Hadassah is a therapist who specialises in OCD and eating disorders.

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product & Marketing Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator

COMMUNICATIONS Alice Greedus | PR Manager Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator

CONTRIBUTORS

KIM KRIYASAGAR

HOLLY PAIGE

MSc

BSc (Hons) Dip LivingNutr Dip AdvNut

Kim is an Ayurvedic yogic practitioner specialising in women’s health.

Holly is a nutritional practitioner with 25 years’ experience in natural health.

George Bothamley, Kate Orson, Chana Hughes, Caroline Butterwick, Fiona Fletcher Reid, Anna Gaunt, Jenny Oldaker, Anthony Purnell, Jenna Farmer

SPECIAL THANKS Hadassah Lipszyc, Kim Kriyasagar, Anthony Purnell, Ali Harper, Holly Paige, Keith Howitt, Catri Barrett

MANAGEMENT Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma Hursey | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS

ANTHONY PURNELL

ALI HARPER

BSc (Hons), MBACP MNCS

BA Hons EYPS QTS MBACP

Anthony is a counsellor who specialises in systemic therapy.

Ali is a child, adolescent and adult counsellor.

For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

CONTACT Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building B, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY

Join the Happiful Expert Panel Are you a wellbeing expert with valuable insight to share? Happiful professional membership includes opportunities to be featured in our award-winning magazine. Discover how to join by emailing us at professionals@happiful.com

Helping you find the help you need.

Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

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The Uplift MUSIC

Piano music strikes a chord with mental health Music can be powerful; it has the ability to change a mood, or a room, and can even transport us back in time. Perhaps you’ve personally felt the benefit of putting on some calming music to wind down at the end of a hard day. Suffice to say, music is always there for us, even during the most stressful of times.

In recognition of its therapeutic benefits, the Mental Health Foundation commissioned some anxiety-busting classical music from chart-topping pianist, RIOPY. With personal experience of depression and OCD, RIOPY composed a simple piece, ‘Meditation 111’, as a way of helping people tackle their anxiety – either by listening to it, or learning to play it themselves. The entire piece can be played with three fingers, and takes just one hour to learn, regardless of previous experience.

“It is not an exaggeration to say that the piano saved my life,” says RIOPY, who is a self-taught pianist.

“I hope that, by sharing this piece with the world, I can bring the restorative power of music to others who are also suffering.”

Mental health affects everyone, and this collaboration is

another way of enabling people to explore their feelings, be creative, and share their experiences in a way that includes all. Now that’s music to all our ears.

Writing | Samantha Redgrave-Hogg happiful.com | Issue 76 | 7

8 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

SCIENCE

An apple a day could keep memory loss at bay…

That’s according to a new three-year study of 3,562 people aged around 71.

The research, published in the journal Proceedings of National Academy of Sciences, found that people who have a diet rich in flavanols – a natural substance that is commonly found in apples, berries, and tea – may be less likely to develop age-related memory loss.

The researchers randomly assigned healthy adults either a daily 500mg flavanol supplement, or a placebo pill, to take for three years. During that time, the participants took several memory tests, as well as filling in surveys that were used to assess their diet.

What the researchers saw was that – although the memory scores only improved very slightly for the group taking the flavanol pill – a subset of that group, who had a poor diet and low flavanol consumption at the start of the study, increased their memory scores by 16% when compared to the start of the study.

Although further research is needed to confirm the link, including MRI scans to establish the relationship between flavanol supplements and the hippocampal function, Scott Small, the study’s lead scientist and a professor of neurology at Columbia University, said that the research was beginning to reveal the ways that different nutrients are needed to fortify our ageing minds. For now, that’s food for thought.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

happiful.com | Issue 76 | 9

COMMUNITY

New study reveals another approach to gender equality The goal of gender equality may feel far off for some, but more and more steps are leading us there. And a recent study from the University of Cologne, in Germany, looking into the impact of guidance counselling on gender segregation, has found some promising results.

Carried out by Professor Marita Jacob and researchers from the Berlin Social Science Center, the study found that counselling increased the number of students who selected subjects to study that

were not stereotypical for their gender.

“Our analysis reveals that the programme was particularly strong on men’s subject choice.

The number of men who chose subjects that are femaledominated doubled once they received counselling,” explains Professor Jacob.

So, why is this important? The hope is that by encouraging more men to study typically ‘femaledominated’ fields, it could help to lessen gender stereotypes, and

have a positive effect on women’s decisions.

Professor Jacob talks about the two sides of gender equality, explaining that as well as encouraging women to succeed in male-dominated industries, we can also address the careers of young men in femaledominated industries to promote equality.

To us, this sounds like one small step for men, and one giant leap for humankind.

Writing | Kat Nicholls

HEALTH

Help end #SunPoverty this summer As summer approaches, and schools prepare to close for the holidays, many families in the UK are faced with a troubling issue. With the cost of living crisis still present, more and more families are unable to afford sunscreen for their children.

But, fortunately, the #SunPoverty campaign is shining a light on a solution.

This summer, the campaign will be donating thousands of highfactor SPF sunscreen to primary school children who are entitled to free school meals, in addition to petitioning for children’s sunscreen to be VAT-free. With skin cancer being the fastestgrowing cancer in the UK, it’s important that all children are 10 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

kept safe in the sun, with access to resources that will prevent sunburn, to reduce the likelihood of them developing skin cancer in later life.

Several celebrities have thrown their support behind the campaign, including EastEnders actress Kellie Bright, who said: “As a mother myself to three children, I know how important it is to protect my children’s skin to keep them safe in the sun. I am proud to support this campaign, and hope it can help thousands of families this summer.”

For the many families struggling to make ends meet at the moment, this campaign offers a beacon of hope, and serves as a reminder that we can all

Kirby CoE Primary School, in Liverpool, taking part in the 2022 #SunPoverty campaign

come together to make a positive impact.

Want to get involved? For every bottle of Escentual #SunPoverty sunscreen purchased from Escentual.com, it will donate one to a child in need.

Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

The

wellbeing wrap

A PILL FOR LUNG CANCER?

Edinburgh is the British city with the best quality of life, according to a study by Totaljobs

Exciting results from a new study, led by Yale University, suggest that taking the drug osimertinib once a day following surgery for lung cancer, reduces the risk of dying by 51%. The ‘unprecedented’ findings come from a decade-long global study, which is really promising given that lung cancer is reportedly the leading cause of cancer death in the world, with 1.8 million people losing their lives to it each year.

I’ve got 99 (million) problems The UK government has banned the issuing of new licenses for animal testing for cosmetics

The Michael J Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research, formed by the Back to the Future star, has raised £1.39 billion

Social media platforms will face significant fines (and even jail time for bosses) if they fail to deal with misogynistic abuse

Whether it’s changing that lightbulb, or fixing a leaking tap, the lists of jobs that need to be done around the home can feel never-ending – but perhaps that’s because we never get round to them. A survey by HomeServe has found that 64% of us Brits have outstanding DIY tasks to do, typically three per person, adding up to a collective 99 million undone chores.

Topping the list for most often ‘put off’ was cleaning the gutters, followed by regrouting tiles. So, whether it’s a lack of time, not knowing where to start, or struggling to find the motivation, if you’ve got tasks lingering on your to-do list, at least you know you’re not alone.

Hari Budha Magar, from Kent, has made history as the first double above-the-knee amputee to reach the summit of Mount Everest. A veteran Gurkha soldier, Hari lost his legs while serving in Afghanistan in 2010, and struggled with alcoholism and depression in the years following. But, climbing Everest became his driving motivation, leading him to campaign to remove the ban on blind and double amputees scaling the mountain to allow him to do so. His incredible achievement shows that, when we set our hearts and minds to something, the sky really is the limit.

A DINO-MITE IDEA

So, like, cringe...

Actor Sam Neill is auctioning his boots from Jurassic Park, along with other memorabilia, to raise funds for UNICEF UK. In his own words, “These boots were made for kicking dinosaurs.”

Lexicographer and legend of Countdown’s Dictionary Corner, Susie Dent recently took her love of language to her 1.1 million Twitter followers, to ask which words and phrases need to be banished. Most popular to boot included ‘Going forward’, along with the inevitably disrespectful ‘No disrespect, but...’, ‘like’ in a filler context, ‘I wanted to reach out’, and ‘I’m not going to lie’. Using ‘So’ at the start of a sentence was another faux pas, along with ‘Basically’. Are you guilty of using any of these? Perhaps it’s time we latched on to some new phrases, like, going forward.

When Finlay, a young Man City fan, wrote to Jack Grealish to say how much he admired how he cares for his sister with cerebral palsy, he could never have imagined where it would lead him. Having cerebral palsy himself, Finlay was invited to meet Jack, who dedicated his World Cup goal to the fan.

Now, the youngster has gone on to be featured in the club’s new season kit campaign!

What’s in a name? Well, with baby names often going in and out of style with the seasons, Compare the Market reviewed the stats on which are likely to surge this summer – and which are at risk of extinction. Varsha, which means rain, has seen a staggering 100% drop from 2011 to 2021, with Brooke, and Tamar also losing popularity. Arun, meaning dawn, fell out of favour by 67%, with Dayton, and Dylan in hot pursuit. Conversely, names that are booming include Nova (7,129%), Aura (1,525%), August (1,383%), and Hunter (1,236%).

THAT’S A SLAMDUNK

What’s your go-to biscuit for a tea break? Can’t decide, well we can provide some inspiration by sharing the nation’s favourites! A survey commissioned by the Blue Cross found that a Chocolate Digestive is our absolute fav, but the best biscuit for dunking is the plain version.

I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

The actionless action revolution

Even in this frantic world, constant maximum effort may not be the best, or only way, to reach your goals Writing | George Bothamley

T

his world of ours is so fast paced, it is easy to feel like we are constantly balancing a hundred things at once.

With technology, computers, and phones which are rarely more than an arm’s length away, we have 24/7 access to an endless feed of videos, photos, friends, news, sports, games, and entertainment.

While, at the same time, one of the defining aspects of our modern world is the idea of ‘hustle culture’, which tells us that in order to achieve anything in life, we should be working harder, longer, and faster.

But, in the long run, is this kind of thing really sustainable?

Sure, we might be able to manage our stress for a while – convincing ourselves that work is bearable, and we’re doing just fine! But, inevitably, we become more and more exhausted – both mentally and physically – because, frankly, none of us is built to live in this state of constant movement. Or constant work. Or constant sensory stimulation.

It’s like struggling to stay afloat in a river where the water is

12 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

always rising, or like trying to swim upstream, against the tide, without really knowing where we are supposed to be heading.

Eventually, it is only natural that we will start feeling a little overwhelmed by it all.

So, in order for us to find greater calmness in our life, we need a way of being able to navigate work and other responsibilities differently.

Perhaps through serenity, rather than sheer effort.

This is where a lot of philosophical schools tend to mention some kind of middle path, where we essentially seek to find balance in our life, so that we can remain relatively consistent in our actions, no matter if times are easy or difficult.

But, to go a step further, there is another really beautiful little concept from the ancient Chinese belief system of Daoism, which I think can be really useful in helping us to navigate life in a more peaceful way. An idea called ‘wu wei’ – which roughly translates as ‘actionless action’.

Now, immediately, I know this term may seem like a total contradiction. Almost as if we

were to try to make sense of a phrase like ‘bad goodness’ or ‘hard softness’.

Yet, at its heart, the idea of actionless action is simply about easing up on ourselves a little bit. And learning to be proactive in the direction of our goals, without the additional pressure or stresses that can result from pushing ourselves too hard.

In that sense, perhaps it can be considered history’s oldest conception of ‘go with the flow’.

But, rest assured, this isn’t to be misunderstood as an encouragement towards passivity, or letting life happen to you. Having goals and working towards their achievement is one of the cornerstones of a meaningful life. It’s just that the manner in which we work on these things is what really matters here.

Too much action inevitably leads us to physical or emotional burnout. And too little action will leave us lazy, unmotivated, or feeling helpless. But actionless action is our way of actively following the path of least resistance. Like dancing to life’s rhythm – as opposed to trying

outside the box

None of us is built to live in this state of constant movement.

Or constant work. Or constant sensory stimulation to force the rhythm of life to always play to your dance!

And this is where the river metaphor we touched on seems so fitting. Because it helps us to see just how much we can and cannot control in this world.

Of course, there will always be times in life when we have to ‘fight the tide’, or spend a little while ‘treading water’ until particular stresses pass, or certain circumstances become a bit more favourable.

But through it all, we should remember that we all have our own unique talents, passions, and ways of seeing the world.

So surely, it makes sense for us to follow this inner wisdom – as best as we can – rather than

struggling along a path that may not fully suit us.

This is perhaps where actionless action can start to sound similar to the idea of having faith, or trusting in fate.

But, in truth, this idea is not solely dependent on a spiritual outlook; and we can also just as easily frame this as being a realist – with the understanding that our greatest successes will become easier only when they are pursued from a place of personal authenticity first.

We all experience times in life when we are working so tirelessly at something which seems to yield no results. But, I’m sure most of us have experienced moments where things were the

exact opposite of this, too. Where we spend some time working on a passion – and the whole thing just feels completely natural – and the time just flies, and we accomplish something more than we even hoped for before, in a way that seemed almost effortless from start to finish!

This, in essence, is the perfect example of actionless action.

And, it is very much in line with what modern psychology might describe as a ‘flow’ state, something which many artists, sportspeople, or creatives, describe as feeling completely immersed in work, to the point that all movements feel completely natural, and all other thoughts or doubts just seem to fade away.

That’s why actionless action is such a wonderful idea to keep in mind, both for work and our personal life, too. It teaches us that constant, maximum effort is not always the most effective way of pursuing our ambitions. And that all work can be completed in a state of calm, rather than stress.

And, on an individual level, it is a reminder that there is no need for us to constantly ‘act’ or ‘force’ or ‘work to become something’.

Rather, we are here as ourselves already. So, perhaps our only job is simply to be just that! happiful.com | Issue 76 | 13

Dream on Stop doomscrolling and put down your phone! It’s time to let your mind wander – and rediscover the lost art of daydreaming Writing | Kate Orson

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

hatever happened to daydreaming?

In our increasingly busy, technological world, there is always something to fill every spare moment. Whether it’s phone scrolling, or even healthier habits such as reading a good book, or going to a yoga class, when do we ever get to really do nothing?

Perhaps you can remember days at school, gazing out of the window, dreaming of the future, or watching a bird soaring in the sky and imagining a life of freedom. Or maybe you remember long car journeys watching raindrops run down the glass, while you disappeared off into a fantasy world.

But daydreaming is not just for children, it can be a very grown up pursuit. Author Neil Gaiman got the idea for his comic book series The Sandman while lying

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in bed trying to fall asleep. He was thinking about how much he loved the character, and decided to create his own version. He spent the rest of the night lying awake and planning it. Then there’s William Golding, who got the idea for Lord Of The Flies while teaching at school. He said he often daydreamed about what would happen if the boys were left to their own devices without supervision.

Daydreaming is not just for authors though. Research has found that daydreaming benefits the mind. It can reduce stress and anxiety, develop creativity and problem-solving abilities, as well as helping with social situations.

Having thoughts that you aren’t consciously directing allows new ideas to pop into your head.

An idea might be a solution to a problem, or a new possibility to explore in life.

Researchers have noticed that people daydream less as they get older, perhaps because daydreams are centred on the future. But, in reality, we are never too old to enrich our lives by letting our minds wander into fantasy.

Inspired to take a moment to let your mind roam? Here are some suggestions for how to bring more daydreaming into your life:

Morning moments

If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t like to jump out of bed straight away, then use this to your advantage. Have a daydreaming lie-in. Don’t reach for your phone, but also, don’t reach for a book, or anything else. Just let your mind wander.

Having a daydream is a bit like having an idea. It’s not something you can force, but happens spontaneously, so let the process >>>

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happiful.com | Issue 76 | 15

happen without expectation. If you end up thinking about your morning coffee, or pancakes for breakfast, then so be it!

If you’re more of an early bird who likes to jump up first thing and get on with your day, then this could also be something to try last thing at night.

Stop before you reach for your phone

I can’t help but wonder if mobile phones are to blame for a reduction in daydreaming moments. Our phones are always there in the palm of our hands, or on the desk, ready for use when we want to fill the empty moments.

Next time you catch yourself in one of those moments, ask yourself if you really need to check your email, or social media. If you need a break from work, or deep concentration, try a moment of emptiness instead.

Gaze out of the window, lean back in your chair. Just let your thoughts have free rein for a little while.

If it feels awkward having nothing in your hands, swap your phone for a journal, and write your thoughts down as they come to you.

Daydream soundtrack

Choose some atmospheric instrumental music, and listen to it while walking, on the bus, or while doing the washing up.

The absence of words can give you the freedom to visualise a scenario to match the mood.

Film soundtracks or classical music can be great options.

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Swap the meditation for quiet, still moments

Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t concentrate on your breath.

Relaxation can come in many forms, and just making time for quiet stillness without an agenda to follow a particular spiritual practice can inspire daydreaming.

Set a timer for 10 minutes, and just notice where your thoughts go.

Daydream prompts

What if when you give yourself time to daydream, your brain just gets stuck on your ‘to-do’ list, or worries about work or relationships? Here is a list of prompts you can use in any spare moments to guide your daydreams: • First thing in the morning, daydream about your upcoming day, with everything going perfectly.

• Freud described daydreaming as being like ‘wish-fulfilment’.

Write a list of needs or wishes, and then imagine scenarios where they are fulfilled.

• Daydream about your dream holiday/meeting someone you admire/a reunion with an old friend.

• Remember your childhood dreams and ambitions about what you wanted to do when you ‘grew up’. Imagine yourself doing them.

• Daydream about travelling to any point or place in time that captures your imagination.

One cautionary note…

Sometimes, the mind can wander a bit too far. In a 2016 study published in the journal Nature, psychologist

If you need a break from work, or deep concentration, try a moment of emptiness instead.

Gaze out of the window, lean back in your chair. Just let your thoughts have free rein Kalina Christoff, described a new way of seeing anxiety as “mind-wandering gone awry”.

While the brain has circuits to allow it to wander, it also has other mechanisms to pull it back to ensure it doesn’t go too far. If your daydreaming takes a dark turn, she recommends naming the feeling, and bringing conscious awareness to it by just noticing that your mind has wandered too far, and inviting it back to reality.

If any worrying scenarios enter your mind, you could also try replacing them with positive scenarios instead. It might seem, at times, as though your thoughts have wandered off beyond your control, but it’s good to remember that you are the director of your daydreams, you can choose the plot, and imagine the perfect happy ending.

9 affirmations to counter anxiety am MORE II am than my my thoughts thoughts than

I DE S ERV E GO OD T H I N G S IN L IFE

I am doing the best I can,

& that’s enough

I INHALE STRENGTH, AND EXHALE SELF-DOUBT

I DON’T NEED TO PROVE MYSELF TO ANYONE

I HAVE THE COURAGE TO LIVE MY DREAMS

Every day is a gift

The peace peace II need need is is inside inside me me The

, e r e h m a I , t n e m o in this mm well and I a happiful.com | Issue XX | 17

“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar RAYMOND LINDQUIST Photograph | Axel Bimashanda

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7

unexpected changes from Pilates

Is Pilates more than an exercise trend?

Here, we explore some surprising benefits Writing | Kat Nicholls

W

hen it comes to exercise, I’ve always been a yoga gal. I loved how quiet the practice was, and the way it inspired a sense of connection to body and mind. It was actually this connection that warned me something wasn’t quite right.

I had just got over my second bout of Covid, and was feeling out of sorts. I thought movement would be helpful, so I started a challenge that meant I exercised every day for a month. As I came to the end of a yoga session during this time, I found myself in tears.

My joints were aching, I was exhausted, and even my trusty yoga couldn’t hold me in the way I needed.

After a frustrating battle with doctors to be truly heard, I ended up seeking help from a private rheumatologist. He confirmed the fatigue was likely to be Covidrelated, but that the joint pain

may be due to my (unknown to me) hypermobility.

“Start swimming and Pilates,” he advised. “What about yoga?”

I enquired. He then explained that yoga isn’t always the best for those with hypermobility, as it can be easy to unintentionally injure yourself. Pilates, on the other hand, helps to strengthen joints.

I took his advice seriously, signing myself up for private Pilates lessons for six weeks, before joining a group class.

Thankfully, the fatigue lifted early on in the process, so I had the energy I needed to give it my full attention, alongside regular swimming and walking.

Here are just a few of the unexpected changes I discovered on the mat:

Greater flexibility

I must admit, I wasn’t too sure what Pilates would involve before starting, and I didn’t realise how much it would help with

flexibility. It also took about six months to really kick in. There was one class in particular where I felt myself folding into a position with more ease than before, and I sighed heavily. This is what it used to feel like – before Covid, before lockdowns, before everything tensed up.

The stretching that takes place in Pilates is gentle, and, with my newly diagnosed hypermobility, I get guidance from my teacher on how to stretch safely. This has made a drastic improvement to both my mobility and flexibility.

Feeling stronger

Now, I knew Pilates was all about strengthening the core, so perhaps it’s not surprising that my physical strength would improve.

What I didn’t expect was the boost of confidence this would give me.

In a recent class, I held a position for longer than usual, and felt a wave of pride wash over me. I’m getting stronger. I’m building >>> happiful.com | Issue 76 | 19

Pilates was never an exercise I considered, but now I know it’s not just exercise

myself back up. And, somehow, this has made me feel capable of anything.

Finding community

Since joining the group Pilates class, I show up knowing I’m going to see some friendly faces. A few of us have been attending for a while now, and each class starts with a quick catch-up on how our weeks have been.

I don’t have friends who live locally, as adulthood scattered us across the country (and the globe in some cases). While I haven’t yet progressed to meeting my Pilates friends outside of class, there’s something really special about showing up, saying hello, and moving through a class, side by side.

Reduced joint pain

This was the reason I started Pilates and, I’ll admit, I wasn’t sure it would work. I had been told by doctors that going for a walk would fix my health issues, and that wasn’t the case. But what I needed was time. Time for the fatigue to lift, and time to find what worked for me.

It wasn’t just about exercising.

It was about listening to myself, resting when I needed to, and moving in a way that supported me. As it turns out, Pilates did help with this. After about six months, when I noticed I had become more flexible, I also realised the pain had fizzled out.

20 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

It still flares up from time to time, when I’m especially tired or unwell (I have gone on to catch Covid a further two times). But I know how to handle it now, and I know Pilates helps me.

Increased mindfulness

As Pilates doesn’t have the same spiritual element yoga does, I wasn’t sure if I’d feel the same sense of mindfulness. I was

pleasantly surprised to find that I did. Both Pilates and yoga encourage you to be mindful of your movements, your breathing, and of how your body feels.

I find this follows you off the mat, too. Now I’m much more mindful of my posture, the way I sleep, and how skeletal misalignment can contribute to my pain.

wellbeing

Learn more about Pilates and find an instructor on the Therapy Directory.

wraps up, and it may just be the promise of a lie-in the next morning, but I sleep like a baby on Thursday nights.

Research on Pilates’ effect on sleep, such as a study in Frontiers in Neurology, suggests it can have a positive impact, though not necessarily for healthy individuals over the age of 40 or postmenopausal women. However, 2023 research in BMC Sports Science, Medicine and Rehabilitation does back up my personal findings, so I’m going to take my Pilates-fuelled Zs while I can.

Better self-awareness

This comes hand-in-hand with the mindfulness element. In Pilates, you have to be very aware of your body. The movements involved are often small, targeted, and, at times, intense. Bringing awareness to your body is a must to practise it safely, and to really feel the benefits.

Again, perhaps naively, I didn’t realise Pilates would be so focused

on its movements, so this increase in self-awareness was a welcome surprise.

Improved sleep

The effect Pilates has on my sleep is something I’m only just recognising. My Pilates class falls on Thursday evenings, which also happens to be the last day of my working week. This means I’m often pretty sleepy when class

I’ve been doing Pilates for a year now and I’m still discovering new things to enjoy. I haven’t abandoned yoga either. Now and then, usually on a slow Sunday, I’ll roll out my mat to appreciate some yin. My joints are in a better place, and I understand my body more, so yoga feels like something I can dip my toe back into.

When I compare myself to where I was a year ago, crying on my yoga mat, I can’t help but feel grateful. I’m grateful that I persisted with doctors, that I listened to my body, and found what works for me.

Pilates was never an exercise I considered, but now I know it’s not just exercise. It’s connection, strength, community, and so much more. My hope for you is that you find something that offers you the same – and who knows, maybe it will be Pilates. happiful.com | Issue 76 | 21

How to choose a good couples therapist When it’s time to reach out for support with your relationship, make sure you consider exactly what you need Writing | Chana Hughes

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s your relationship under strain? Has it lost its spark?

Do you feel misunderstood, unwanted, or distant from your partner? Or perhaps you have lost trust with your partner, or have found out that they have been lying to you?

Sadly, not all relationships live happily ever after. More than 100,000 couples get divorced each year in the UK, with the divorce rate estimated at more than 40%.

But the good news is that couples therapy can be incredibly helpful. In a recent survey by Verywell Mind, a staggering 99% of those who were attending couples therapy said that it had a positive impact on their relationship, with a further threequarters saying that the impact was really significant.

But reaching out for therapy is a huge step. If you are going to invest time and money in sessions, you want to make sure that you get the right support.

So, if you have been both brave and vulnerable enough to look for help, how do you choose the 22 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

therapist who will best support your relationship? Here are some essential tips for choosing the right couples therapist for you.

Remember the basics

Choosing a couples therapist is the same as choosing any mental health practitioner; you need to make sure they have the basics covered. This means checking that they are accountable and professional. This can be done by choosing someone who is accredited with a registeredbody – BACP, UKCP, and BABCP are some examples, but there are others. Being registered means that the therapist is qualified, receives continual training, has regular supervision, and you have someone to contact if you need to make a complaint.

You can ask for the therapist’s membership number if you’re worried. Another important ‘basic’ is that any therapist you work with should keep your confidentiality and prioritise your safety, and you should feel comfortable enough to ask

them questions about the way they work. With accountability and professionalism, you have a starting point from which to build trust.

Don’t forget the extras

Don’t forget that supporting couples is a specialist skill that requires extra training in addition to counselling skills.

When searching for support, it’s best to look for someone with specialist couples counselling or therapy training, in addition to their generic or individual training.

Choose a therapist who does not take sides

There are lots of types of couples therapists, each coming from different angles. But, when it comes to successful therapy, one key factor trumps everything else: the strength of the relationship you have with your therapist.

The challenge is that when one therapist works with two people who are often pretty competitive,

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With accountability and professionalism, you have a starting point from which to build trust

it is not unusual for one partner to feel that the therapist is taking sides. A good couples therapist is one who finds ways to treat both partners in an even-handed way, so that neither feels consistently sided against.

Your therapist should be able to manage arguments

The biggest complaint I’ve heard about unhelpful couples therapists is that, during the session, the couple do little more than repeat the arguments that they have at home. A therapist needs to understand the issues that clients are struggling with, which means some heated discussions. But a good therapist offers ideas and strategies to move beyond this into more meaningful communication.

Don’t expect your therapist to be a magician

Couples sometimes have unrealistic expectations about the change that a therapist can

Chana Hughes is a family and couples therapist working both for the NHS and in private practice.

achieve. It is common for a couple to attend therapy with one partner expecting the therapist to make the other partner change.

But unfortunately, us therapists do not have magic wands. The couples who do best in therapy are the ones who manage their expectations, and each partner is ready to make their own

changes when it comes to their relationship. After all, you can only change yourself.

Having practised couples therapy for some time now, I have seen that, with time, perseverance, and a good couples therapist, people can develop more rewarding relationships that really change their lives. happiful.com | Issue 76 | 23

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subtle signs of burnout Feeling irritable and on edge (not just at work)

Small tasks or decisions suddenly feel overwhelming You find yourself procrastinating a lot more than normal Struggling to recover from a cold, or lingering illness Becoming suspicious of others and feeling cynical Difficulty focusing on tasks

Tiredness, even when you’ve just woken up

Lacking enthusiasm and motivation Trouble sleeping, feeling restless, or insomnia Feeling isolated or detached from others 24 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

wellbeing

OCD

THE WEIGHT ON YOUR SHOULDERS

What is hyper-responsibility, and how can it affect those with OCD? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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y OCD began shortly after my daughter was born. It started with wanting to make sure that the house was clean, and everything was in order and went to plan.

I had a morning routine that meant everywhere was cleaned, even though it wasn’t dirty. It then got worse after a stomach bug we all had, and as someone with emetophobia (fear of vomit), this propelled my need to clean everything that needed to be sanitised to ensure we didn’t get ill again. Hand washing was constant, and I eventually avoided going out altogether.”

Katrina Fouracre is casting her mind back to when OCD entered her life. Eventually, after reaching out through various avenues, Katrina managed to connect with a counsellor who specialised in emetophobia, and

who also supported her with OCD – although exploring and identifying her fears and phobias has been a complex experience, with one element holding a particular challenge.

Hyper-responsibility refers to when a person feels pressure to manage things to prevent harm to themselves and others, and even huge disasters.

Associated with OCD, you may feel responsible for things that you can’t realistically control, including how other people behave and feel, natural disasters, or accidents. All of this can come with a great sense of anxiety, and feelings of guilt and dread. For Katrina, hyperresponsibility manifested in the need to protect her family from sickness.

“I would not let my husband or family help with anything; I had

to do all the cleaning, cooking, and general day-to-day things to ensure they were done ‘right’, and everything was clean, because I couldn’t trust that anyone else would do it right,” she explains.

“Taking the responsibility for ensuring our ‘safety’ from germs, particularly sickness, was hard and stressful, but I felt, and still feel, that measures have to be put in place to reduce the risk of being sick. This means washing hands more often, using sanitiser after touching things like door handles in public, cleaning and sanitising things and ourselves if we go to places like doctors’ surgeries to ‘remove germs’.”

Katrina shares that hyperresponsibility meant she went years without seeing friends and family, and would avoid going to places which felt unsafe, such as supermarkets and soft play areas. >>> happiful.com | Issue 76 | 25

Taking responsibility for ensuring our ‘safety’ was hard and stressful

wellbeing

My clients describe it as a powerful urge to protect everyone from devastation “Although hyper-responsibility is more commonly seen in people with OCD, we all experience forms of it from time to time,” says Hadassah Lipszyc, a counsellor who specialises in OCD. “For example, most people would remove a nail from the floor, if they saw it, to prevent an injury. The majority of people would also feel some degree of guilt if they didn’t take reasonable action to stop somebody from hurting themselves.

“People with OCD, however, carry out rituals hoping to ease their anxiety and guilt. For example, someone who keeps driving down the same road repeatedly to check that they haven’t knocked somebody over, or the parent who checks on their eight-year-old child throughout the night to make sure they are still breathing.”

Unfortunately, as Hadassah explains, any relief that is experienced by performing these rituals is usually quite short-lived, and it isn’t long before something triggers the cycle to begin again.

“The fear of something terrible happening becomes very intrusive, so people who suffer with this spend a lot of their time trying to prevent a disaster,” she continues.

“It can be extremely timeconsuming and debilitating, yet they feel it is completely their responsibility to stop bad things from happening, and taking responsibility for themselves and others becomes their main focus. My clients describe it as a powerful urge to protect everyone from devastation.”

So, what can be done to alleviate these feelings? For Katrina, working with a therapist and having the support of her family, and especially her husband, made all the difference. “Talking through my feelings and thoughts, and slowly allowing him to take responsibility for things too, has been relieving,” she says.

Hadassah also points to therapy as a useful resource. “One of the most common OCD treatments is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. ERP includes learning to manage your obsessions without performing your compulsions. Although ERP can be quite challenging, research shows that it can be extremely effective in treating OCD. In some cases, people with OCD can also benefit from prescription medication, under the guidance of a qualified medical professional.”

MEET THE EXPERT Hadassah Lipszyc is a cognitive behavioural therapist who specialises in OCD and eating disorders.

Hadassah also recommends self-care strategies alongside therapy, such as: • Practising mindfulness, which can also help reduce OCD symptoms when combined with ERP therapy.

• Doing exercise, to support your overall mental health, including OCD. • Stress management and finding healthy emotional outlets for managing stress.

This could include getting creative, journaling, or trying out a new hobby.

• Engaging with OCD support groups. You may be able to find some in your local area, or there are many groups online. Head to ocduk.org to find out more.

A lot of mental health conditions can come with an element of fatigue, as they intrude into other parts of our lives and add to our mental load. Hyper-responsibility is one such example. But if this is something that sounds familiar to you, know that you’re not alone. And that with time, support, and understanding, there are steps you can take to ease the burden. happiful.com | Issue 76 | 27

“When things change inside you, things change around you UNKNOWN

Photograph | Baptista Ime James

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5 ways to take a compliment (without feeling uncomfortable) We all like the feeling of being accepted by others, so why, when it comes to receiving a compliment, do we suddenly feel awkward?

Writing | Samantha Redgrave-Hogg

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f compliments make you cringe, you’re certainly not alone. Perhaps receiving kind words feels uncomfortable because we don’t want to come across as big-headed, or maybe we second-guess how genuine the compliment is. Or, worse, we feel we don’t deserve the praise. To be able to accept a compliment is a compassionate way to acknowledge the good in yourself.

So, where do we begin?

1. Take a breath

Firstly, notice how you feel when someone compliments you. If compliments feel good and you’re able to accept them graciously, you’re already there. But if you find yourself diminishing or deflecting them, it may be worth taking a moment before responding. This can involve simply taking a deep breath, or bringing gentle awareness to the way your body feels.

Understanding how you normally

go about things is the first step to changing unhelpful behaviours.

2. Stop diminishing

Do you find yourself quickly brushing aside a pat on the back?

When we automatically dilute the compliment with responses such as, “Oh, it was nothing, they would have done it better,” we’re telling our subconscious that we’re not worthy of kind, encouraging words. Seeing and accepting our unique worthiness is vital in increasing our self-esteem.

3. Enjoy the spotlight

This is easier said than done, but try to avoid shifting the attention immediately onto someone or something else. Sometimes a compliment feels so embarrassing that we either immediately want to repay the flattery, or steer the awkward conversation away from ourselves. But it’s OK to enjoy a moment of applause. This can look something like, “Thanks for that, I worked really hard.”

4. Recognise their efforts

Compliments are a lovely way to connect with someone. It’s worth remembering that accepting and honouring appreciative words is a way to acknowledge the effort that person made. It may have felt like a risk for them to reach out and say something nice, or it might have been a way for them to start a conversation with you. It can feel nice to give a compliment, and feel even better if the receiver happily accepts it; letting the love in could actually put everyone in a good mood.

5. Be kinder to yourself

Ultimately, it’s easier to accept compliments when we’re more compassionate with ourselves.

When we gift ourselves some tender words, it won’t feel so uncomfortable when other people do the same. Finding a kinder inner voice will make it easier for us to simply take a compliment. A few little words of self-love really can go a long way. happiful.com | Issue 76 | 29

What is the social model of disability?

Being disabled is not purely a medical problem for an individual… The physical and mental barriers within society create real obstacles as well Writing | Caroline Butterwick

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’ve always been partially sighted, and have experienced mental health issues since my teens. For years, I felt that being disabled was about things being ‘wrong’ with me. Disability can often be seen as a personal tragedy, or an innate issue about an individual. It made me feel bad about myself, as if I was a problem.

All this changed when I was 19. I was at a meeting at my university for disabled students, and the head of the university’s disability service, Dave, told us about the social model of disability. When I left that room an hour later, my sense of self had shifted in a fundamental, wonderful way.

What is the social model of disability?

Put simply, the social model of disability is the idea that disabled people are disabled by society, not their impairments.

According to the charity Sense, the social model of disability emerged in the late 20th century, created by disability activists who were inspired by civil rights movements. Mike Oliver, who 30 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

outside the box

was a disabled academic, is credited for coming up with the term ‘social model of disability’ in 1983.

The social model is often seen as an alternative to the traditional ‘medical model’ of disability. The medical model says that people are disabled by their health condition or impairment. So, for me, as a partially sighted person, the medical model views the lack of pigment in my eyes and the sight loss this causes, as what disables me, rather than living in an inaccessible society.

Learning about the social model transformed how I view myself as someone with a visual impairment and mental ill-health.

If I can’t read a menu in a coffee shop, it’s the fact it’s in a small font that’s the problem, not me and my eyes. If the café were to provide it in a different format, I would be able to see it, and that disabling barrier would be removed. It’s liberating to realise it’s not me, it’s an inaccessible world.

The social model shifts the focus, so we realise disability is caused by society. It’s not just physical barriers, but harmful attitudes, too, that can disable us. As I walk around a busy city centre, it’s everything from the unmarked steps that I trip on, to the person who pushes past me and my cane, or the shop assistant who won’t speak directly to me. It’s the potential employer who thinks I can’t do a job because I’m disabled. These barriers are everywhere.

The impact It’s not just me who found learning about the social model transformative. I asked two friends about the effect it had on them.

Oliver Wood is chair of the Service User and Carer Reference Group for the mental health social work charity Think Ahead, and has been active in the disabled people’s movement for several years. He first learnt about the social model at a conference focused on disabled students.

It’s liberating to realise it’s not me, it’s an inaccessible world “It was, and I don’t say this lightly, life-changing,” Oliver tells me. “Suddenly, I had a framework within which to place my experiences, a way to conceptualise my life and my place within society that wasn’t based on seeing me as a problem that needed dealing with. I was around 20 at the time, and it was the first exposure I’d had to any theory that saw disability, difference, and atypical ways of being, as anything other than a defect that needed fixing.”

It’s similar for Anahita Harding, an artist who uses her experience of being a disabled

woman in her work. “The social model of disability made me shift blame from myself, as being a burden on society, or my body/myself as being ‘wrong’ compared to non-disabled people, to thinking about how barriers in daily life were the disabling factors. Frustrations I had, or frustrations other people had with me, were not my fault, but the barriers around me,” says Anahita.

Discovering the social model not only changes how we feel about ourselves as individuals, but also has wider implications.

Through hearing about the social model, Anahita saw potential “for change in terms of attitudes from non-disabled people. I thought more deeply about how our society is not built for disabled people, and how disabled people need to be involved in all conversations surrounding aspects of our daily lives, such as education, architecture, healthcare, and public transport.”

Anahita adds: “It particularly made me see how facilities for disabled people need to have input from disabled people, rather than be designed by non-disabled people through a medical lens, or one of pity, or a want to heal. Our lived experiences as disabled people, which are crucial, need to be taken into account instead of being ignored.”

The challenges of the social model There are some criticisms of the social model. It can be seen >>> happiful.com | Issue 76 | 31

as minimising the challenges inherent in impairments. For me, being visually impaired can be difficult, knowing there are things I can’t see. And the symptoms of my mental ill-health can be distressing, regardless of the way society treats me.

A challenge faced by the social model is being too rigid or dogmatic in applying it, Oliver says. “What the social model is to me, is a way of understanding myself, and framing and positioning my experiences within the world,” explains Oliver.

“It’s a way of conceptualising and understanding why it is that inequalities are generated, and people are disabled by the societies in which they live. It’s a lens to examine and interrogate these issues. As a way for individuals and groups to find a language of liberation, it has immense value.”

32 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

Mental health is sometimes left out of the conversation around the social model. Oliver says: “However, seeing the experience of disability as socially created, and therefore placed not within the individual, is a core tenant of the social model which, to me, is relevant to all people who experience impairment of any kind.”

While there are limits to the social model, I find it a helpful starting point in understanding my life as a disabled person. For me, Anahita, Oliver, and many others, it’s made a huge difference in how we view ourselves and our place in the world.

Coming out of that meeting at university where I found out about the social model spurred me on to campaign for disabled people’s rights. It changed how I see myself – that being disabled isn’t about something being

Disabled people need to be involved in all conversations surrounding aspects of our daily lives, such as education, architecture, healthcare, and public transport wrong with us, but about living in an inaccessible society, and how that is something we all have the power to change.

outside the box

8 lessons on navigating modern parenthood As the world gradually opens its eyes to understanding neurodiversity, as well as the spectrum of gender, parenting expert Carrie Grant reveals to interviewer Gemma Calvert eight compelling and valuable lessons she’s derived from raising her four children in the modern age

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haring four children with her fellow vocal coach husband, David, parenting expert Carrie Grant knows all too well the parental pressures and complexities of nurturing children in today’s world. Referencing her own experiences of raising Olive (28), a non-binary actor, Tylan (21), who is trans masculine and plays Brooke in Hollyoaks, and Arlo (17) who is currently male-identifying, with all three on the autism spectrum, alongside adopted son Nathan (13) who is traumatised, Carrie shares the eight most significant lessons she has learning from navigating parenthood in a gender fluid and neurodivergent age.

1. Listen. Always.

When a child tells us a worry, our response often starts with a reassuring ‘don’t worry’, that simply invalidates their overwhelming feelings of anxiety.

In short, we’ve not heard them.

For so long I ignored what my kids were trying to tell me by talking over them and attempting to problem-solve.

When they were getting bullied at school, they’d say, “I’ve got no friends,” so I’d say “You’re lovely, of course you have friends, because you’re such a sweet child.”

About 10 years ago I started doing trauma therapy, and learned about the communication model where you repeat back to your child what they have said word for word, which gives them

time to slow things down, and shape what they really feel.

2. Remember your worth When we hold support meetings for parents with neurodiverse and transgender children, the 50 parents are there because they’re seeking help, and trying to make sense of what’s going on, which makes them great parents. Buying books to learn how to be better also makes you a great parent. We’ve got to change attitudes of blame and shame, and what is normal or successful in parenting.

If your child goes to school, but only gets their hair brushed once they get home, they still learn, have friends, and social engagement. So many things are not deal-breakers. Others who>>> happiful.com | Issue 76 | 33

Family picture | Goz Ugo

From le ft to rig ht: Tylan, D Nathan, Carr ie, avid, an d their d Olive, Arlo (sta ogs, Lilo n and Ha ding), ku

In trauma therapy, I learned about nonviolent resistance where you don’t shout, or get annoyed when your child is melting down.

You just stay calm, and gently resist without doing anything. In that instance, I wasn’t asking Ty to try to be happy. I just shared their space, and eventually things began to shift. They started to open up.

4. Really explore those feelings don’t face your challenges may judge the quality of your parenting by your child’s unkempt hair, but they have no idea of the mountain you’ve had to climb just to get them into school.

3. Learn not to push When Tylan was 14, feeling very depressed and self-harming, I couldn’t solve their problems, because you can’t stop someone being depressed, so I decided to knock on their bedroom door, go in and sit on the end of the bed, 34 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

and say, “I’m just going to sit here with you for a minute.” They then counted for 60 seconds and said, “You can leave now.” The next day, I went back in and sat for another 60 seconds. Over a week, I increased each visit to three minutes, and after two weeks, Tylan said, “I’m so so sad” and began to really share.

Rather than jumping in with a solution, I said, “I know you’re sad.

I can’t change that, but I can sit with you in it. I love you and I’m here.”

Now Tylan will say, “Mum, can you come and sit on my bed?”

The world has a very loud voice at the moment, particularly because of social media, which can shut down our own perception of how we’re truly feeling.

When Nathan was about four, a trauma therapist said, “The next time he’s crying or shouting, ask him where in his body the anger is coming from.” When I tried it, Nathan pointed to his tummy, so I said, “I can see that. Can I put my hand on your tummy? Let’s just think about that because that anger doesn’t need to be there.”

outside the box

Locating that anger – or any emotion – to a place and acknowledging that it’s there won’t remove the trauma, but it will help alleviate confusion and, in turn, help calm the child.

5. De-escalate, then strike while the iron’s cold.

When your child is having a meltdown, it’s tempting to say, “You need to stop screaming right now” and justify why. A child cannot learn anything while they are emotionally dysregulated, because all their systems have gone into fight or flight. In that moment, do what is necessary to help them calm down as quickly as possible – moving away if necessary – and avoid shouting back at them.

Later, when the child is calm, talk about what happened. Nine times out of 10, my children will say, “I’m really sorry I shouted,” and my response will be “I hear you, I understand, and you’re always forgiven, but what might you do in the future?”

Making the child confront their behaviour without shame, by neither being passive nor aggressive, by equipping them with language that will help them in the real world when someone or something triggers them, that’s empowering.

6. Google is free.

When your kids hit their teens, they may identify with a gender that’s different to the one they were assigned at birth, and they shouldn’t be responsible for educating you. Answering questions can be irritating for a

youngster, especially if they’re having to answer that question every day from their peers.

In 2018, when Olive was doodling in their notebook and wrote, “I am non-binary”, I replied with “Lovely darling,” then carried on cooking.

I didn’t know what to say, because I didn’t understand what I was reading, but I wasn’t even curious, which is really shameful.

Sometimes fear stops us from being curious, but once my children were all saying different things about their gender, I realised I knew nothing, so I bought books and looked at loads of reels on Facebook. There’s enough information out there. No one has any excuse to say, “I don’t know.”

out – grief, but also relief, confusion, but also approval of their decision to show up as themselves. I’m past that now, because I’ve grown up. I’m 57 so does it really matter whether I’ve got girls or not? I just know I’ve got four children and they’re amazing.

If you’re outside of our family, you might imagine every time I look at my child, I’m thinking about their gender, or that they’re mixed race, or autistic, but I’m not. I’m just getting on with life.

8. Aim for wholeness over happy Wholeness is knowing how to navigate emotions, liking yourself, knowing who you are, and being able to show up as yourself and building that in my kids is my goal.

A lot of us say, “I just want my child to be happy,” which puts huge pressure on the child to always be happy. But, equally, the saying, “You’re only as happy as your least happy child,” puts huge pressure on parents. I just want to help my children find their own strategies, resilience, and wholeness, so when they go through sadness and difficulties, they have the skills to get through.

I had to sit with conflicting emotions until they processed their way out – grief, but also relief, confusion, but also approval of their decision to show up as themselves 7. Allow yourself to feel all emotions.

If your child has said they’re not the gender they were assigned at birth, you’ll feel many things, and it takes a bit of time to process.

When I was growing up and thought about kids, I definitely wanted a girl, so when I thought, “I don’t have girls now” I had to sit with conflicting emotions until they processed their way

‘A Very Modern Family: Stories and guidance to nurture your relationships’ by Carrie & David Grant (Piatkus, £18.99) is out now. happiful.com | Issue 76 | 35

Ask the experts

How can Ayurveda help with stress?

Ayurvedic yogic practitioner Kim Kriyasagar answers your questions on Ayurveda, and holistic approaches to stress Learn more on the Therapy Directory.

Q

Can you explain what Ayurveda is?

A

Ayurveda, the traditional healthcare system of India, is one of the oldest systems of medicine in the world. Evolved from interconnected practical, philosophical, and spiritual illumination, Ayurveda suggests that each individual presents as a

‘microcosm of the macrocosm’, ‘as above so below, as within so without’.

Ayurveda translates to ‘knowledge of life’, which is the means of maintaining physiological, mental, and spiritual balance. The manifest world recognises five elements that Ayurveda uses as building blocks, which, in combination, make up ‘doshas’. This is simply a concept to

understand physiology, with Vata (air and ether), Pitta (fire and water), and Kapha (water and earth).

Based on the idea that disease is due to imbalance and/or stress, Ayurveda offers natural lifestyle, dietary, bodywork, and herbal remedy intervention, to support an individual’s unique dosha, to restore the balance of body, mind, and spirit.

different lifestyle interventions at various stages of our lives.

On a daily basis, regulating times for sleeping, waking, eating, and eliminating counteracts physiological stress. Additionally, Ayurveda honours the ‘circadian rhythm’ by regulating ‘daily routines’ for personal hygiene, exercise, study/ work, relaxation, and reflection/ meditation.

Although those cycling with menstruation may be more sensitive to hormonal changes, the lunar cycle affects all life forms. So paying attention to our individual responses to monthly moon phases could also be a way to support mental health. Similarly, paying attention to seasonal cycles offers variety in life with food, exercise, entertainment and relaxation, which supports joyful living and spirituality.

Q How can Ayurveda help us manage stress?

A

To survive the fast pace of modern living, Ayurveda recommends establishing self-care practices aligned with nature’s rhythms, in order to manage stress. These include the daily or ‘circadian’ rhythm, the monthly or ‘lunar cycle’, the seasonal cycle, and using

Therapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Q Do you have any other recommendations for managing stress naturally?

A

Spending time in nature is a natural antidote to stress. Similarly, paying attention to supporting our physical, mental, and spiritual health develops a level playing field from which it becomes easier to ride the tsunamis that life may throw at us.

Kim’s top tips for managing stress: As we balance our lives more and more, we recover more quickly and efficiently from life’s waves, to become less susceptible to the long-term effects of inevitable stressors.

By regulating and rebalancing our physiology on a daily, monthly, and seasonal basis, we may reduce our negative response to stress. Then, instead of just surviving, we begin to thrive. This can lead to developing a natural way of enjoying an enhanced quality of

1. Turn off electronics an hour before a regular bedtime.

2. Take time to greet each new day with gratitude, delaying checking your phone.

3. Learn how to apply supportive yogic breathing practices.

life, which, in turn, improves immunity, and the longerterm benefits of health and wellbeing. happiful.com | Issue 76 | 37

How to have a healthy relationship with influencers Influencers are a staple part of our culture in 2023, so how can we make sure to keep our digital relationships with them healthy?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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ashion, parenting, cooking, crafting, lifestyle, beauty, health, fitness, and the rest – these days, there’s an online ‘influencer’ for everything under the sun. And, in many ways, they can be a really positive addition to our lives. From sharing top tips, creating digital communities, and updating us on the latest news, the people that we chose to follow online can add a lot to our lives.

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But, there is a flip side. Research published in the journal Psychology of Popular Media Culture found that the more time people spent on Instagram, the more anxious and depressed they felt, with the tendency to compare themselves to others being one of the key factors in those feelings.

So, how can we keep our relationship with influencers healthy, so we can reap the

benefits of engaging with people online, while protecting our mental health? We’ve got some ideas…

1. How does this content make you feel?

Say you see someone come up on your feed, you’re really interested in what they have to say, and you like the content they produce. But, in the background, something

relationships

If something triggers negative thought spirals, step back from that content about seeing those posts starts to make you feel a certain way – it might throw you off your day, or be a negative niggle in the back of your mind that won’t shift.

Maybe it’s a parenting post that causes you to feel a sense of guilt, a fitness shot that prompts you to reflect badly on your own body, or even a hobbyist who leaves you feeling inadequate.

Whatever it may be, if you notice that something triggers negative thought spirals, give yourself permission to step back from that content – there’s no shame in protecting yourself from unnecessary stress.

other times, we can just be caught off guard, or be in a bit of an ‘off’ mood when we come across it.

A particular brand of content might not faze us one day, and the next it could. And this could be for countless reasons, including mood, base stress levels, and anything else that may have happened to us that day.

So, checking in on someone to enjoy their content when it brings you positive feelings – rather than being caught off-guard when their posts appear on your feed – is a good way of looking out for yourself while still engaging with the things that interest you.

2. Drop-in, rather than follow

3. Know when enough is enough

Although, sometimes, our reaction to certain content might indicate that there are areas of our lives, our emotions, and our wellbeing that we need to nurture,

As a study published in Psychology of Popular Media Culture found, the longer we spend on social media, the more risk we have of poor mental health. So, if

you’re experiencing anxiety or depression as a result of the things that you’re seeing online, it might be worth considering if the time you’re spending on the apps could be contributing to these feelings.

Think about it, it’s pretty odd that – at any given time – we can access unlimited insight into other people’s lives. In small doses, the whole thing can be a bit of a novelty. It feeds our curiosity, and can inspire and engage us. But, be wary of how much time you spend scrolling, and take steps to try to limit it if you feel it’s getting out of hand.

4. What are your feelings trying to tell you?

It’s worth taking some time to reflect on your reactions, to try to figure out the root of the problem. If you find that your feelings are affecting you to the point where they’re detrimental to your daily life, it’s worth reaching out to a professional, so that you can explore them in a safe and supportive environment.

But you can also try writing about them in a journal. You could track your mood and your feelings throughout a month, and see if there are any patterns. Or, you could speak to friends and family about your emotions – chances are, they can probably relate in one way or another. However you choose to do it, taking some time to recognise the things we feel is the first step to taking back some control, and building a healthy relationship with influencer culture. happiful.com | Issue 76 | 39

Happiful recommends

From an app that will help transform your breathing habits to a course in happiness, explore something new and revitalising for your wellbeing Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

3

Support charities while you shop Are you someone who regularly purchases online? Well, now you can make a difference while you shop. For every purchase you make online when you sign up to easyfundraising, the brands you shop with will pay a percentage back to the charity of your choice by making a donation. You’ll even be able to track how much you’ve raised!

(Visit easyfundraising.org.uk for more information)

1

PAGE-TURNERS You Will Be Able to Collage by the End of This Book by Stephanie Hartman You might think collaging is simply cutting and sticking things, but there is an art to it that makes it a therapeutic activity worth trying. Written by the creator of Collage Club Ldn, this how-to guide will show you how to unleash your creative capabilities, with practical exercises, tips, and tricks. (Out now, Octopus Publishing, £19.99)

2

ACT OF KINDNESS

4

LEND US YOUR EARS

‘Squiggly Careers’ by Sarah Ellis and Helen Tupper Everything you need to know about navigating your professional life can be found in the ‘Squiggly Careers’ podcast. Presenters Helen and Sarah offer a refreshing insight on how to take control of your career development with confidence – including advice on how to quieten your inner critic, and how to support your stress tolerance at work. (Available on all podcast platforms)

OUT AND ABOUT

Moon gazing Whether you’re an avid astronomer or you’re simply looking for a serene escape, there’s nothing quite like moon gazing in the summer twilight to help you unwind and gain some perspective.

Grab a cosy blanket, find a peaceful spot, and be transported to a world of wonder as you observe the magic of lunar sightseeing.

(Visit skyatnightmagazine.com for their observing guide) 40 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

5

PLUGGED-IN

James Cook Artwork They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and this is literally the case for creative artist James Cook who creates artistic masterpieces, using only a typewriter as his tool. Follow along for his journey into this unique and captivating typewriter art on TikTok. (Follow @typewriterartist)

culture

7

TECH TIP-OFFS

Breath Hub Breath scientists at Breath Hub know that there is no onesize-fits-all approach when it comes to breathwork, and that’s what makes it the go-to app to help you transform your breathing habits. Using a breath analysis algorithm to allow you to create a personalised daily program, it will help to maximise the benefits of breathwork that are unique to you. (Available on all platforms)

6

LESSON LEARNED

10 Days of Happiness Sign up to a free 10-day happiness programme run by the charity Action for Happiness, and set aside a few minutes each day to discover how to build habits that could help lead to a more happy and meaningful life. (Visit actionforhappiness.org for more)

9

SQUARE EYES

8

GET GOING

Step Aerobic fitness Ready to turn your fitness routine up a notch? Step fitness might just be for you. This high-energy cardio workout involves stepping up and down from a small platform to an uplifting, rhythmic beat. It’s a fun and refreshing take on traditional stair-climbing exercises that will get your heart pumping and leave you feeling invigorated. (Find out more at lesmills.com)

A Man Called Otto Consumed by grief and hardened by sorrow, Otto (played

by Tom Hanks) is a widower who struggles to navigate life without his wife, and spends his days pushing away the people around him. That is until a new family moves in next door, and a friendship begins to blossom. Will this newfound friendship help him to find the peace and happiness that he has been longing for? (Watch on Prime Video)

10

TREAT YOURSELF

Seaweed Bath by Ishga Indulge in the ultimate bathing experience this summer with Seaweed Bath by Ishga. Simply run your bag of Hebridean seaweed under running water, and let its rejuvenating properties work their magic – helping to remineralise your skin, and soothe aches and pains. And, if that’s not enough, it comes with a QR code to take you to an immersive sound experience. (£37 at uk.ishga.com)

WIN A SEAWEED BATH

BY ISHGA For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com Seaweed is a type of: a) Algae b) Plant c) Animal *Competition closes 31 August 2023.

UK mainland and Northern Ireland only.

T&Cs apply. Good luck! happiful.com | Issue 76 | 41

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positive pointers

Wild things Rewilding is a trend that’s here to stay, but what can the movement teach us about the world around us and life itself?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

S

omething unusual was going on at the national flower shows this year.

Among the ornamental plants, with their impossibly bright blooms and show-stopping qualities, there was something a little bit more familiar, a little

bit wilder, about the gardens that faced the judges.

At the RHS Chelsea Flower Show 2023, four of the 12 show gardens featured plants that you or I would usually brush off as ‘weeds’ – including brambles, thistles, and knapweed. Native

nettles, salvaged rocks, and lots and lots of green came with calls from the Royal Horticultural Society to rebrand the commonly resented ‘weeds’ as ‘hero plants’, perfect for cultivating a diverse and vibrant ecosystem. >>> happiful.com | Issue 76 | 43

“We are relaxing the way we garden,” said garden designer and BBC presenter Joe Swift, while reflecting on his highlights of the week at Chelsea. “There is no manicured lawn anymore, that feels like a significant step forward. The environment, wildlife, and biodiversity are at the core of a lot of these gardens.”

“And I think we are learning to combine with so-called rewilding to make a synthesis, something that comes together that’s really rich and good,” added the horticulturalist and broadcaster Monty Don. It’s become a bit of a buzzword in the gardening world, but rewilding is more than just a trend. The UK has a sorry relationship with its native flora. According to research published in Plant Atlas 2020, half of Britain and Ireland’s native plants have declined over the past 20 years, with ancient arable wildflowers declining by a shocking 62% since the 1950s, due to traditional grasslands being reseeded or over-fertilised.

Overhauling our entire way of living is, in reality, the main step we need to take to protect our planet and its inhabitants, but rewilding is a part of this – referring to activities that aim to restore and protect natural processes, and wildlife. On a national scale, this looks like the Carrifran Wildwood, in Dumfries and Galloway. Set in a 1,600-acre ice-carved valley, the Wildwood project was started by a group of friends who bought the glen back in 2000, and have 44 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

since planted more than 600,000 native trees. Also, the Ashton Estate in Northamptonshire, the former home of Dame Miriam Rothschild, where rewilding efforts have sought to restore a ‘dynamic mosaic of vegetation’, which includes a restored lake and naturally regenerating woodlands.

We need to stop seeing ourselves as separate from the natural world On a smaller scale, native wildflower seed boxes line the shelves of garden centres and supermarkets. ‘No Mow May’, a campaign that encourages us to leave our lawns well alone for the month of May, to gift the habitat to pollinators, tackle pollution, and lock away atmospheric carbon below ground, is a growing movement in the UK. And an interest in gardening boomed during the pandemic, with many continuing the hobby today.

All these efforts, both great and small, make a difference.

But while they bring individual plants back to life, they also have a knock-on effect on the full ecosystem – all the way from humming hoverflies to human beings.

“Nature innately feels like home to me. I get this serene sense of groundedness when I’m immersed in nature. Listening to birdsong or watching the canopy of tree leaves on a sunny day, it feels like everything is OK,” says Catri Barrett, a life coach who has ADHD, reflecting on how rewilding has helped her.

When Catri received an ADHD diagnosis aged 33, she saw it as the most validating experience of her life. But the many years living without a diagnosis meant her overall mental health declined with time, and she went on to develop anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and struggled with self-harm and suicidal ideation. But, she says, nature has always offered a rejuvenating solace.

“I love living in London, but I sometimes struggle with the intensities that come with city life as an ADHDer. All the people, the sounds, smells, and busyness can often intensify my ADHD symptoms, and fuel feelings of overwhelm,” Catri says. “Finding nature in the city helps me find balance. I’ve created an ‘urban jungle’ in my home with loads of houseplants, and I live right next to a park so that I am still surrounded by nature inside and out.

“I find that nature facilitates mindfulness like nothing else.

Whether it’s watching the sun cast shadows from my houseplants during the day, or tending to my seedlings, nature is the anchor that brings me out of the busyness of my mind and back into the present moment.”

I get this serene sense of groundedness when I’m immersed in nature

And Catri is not alone. At the 2022 Chelsea Flower Show, the mental health charity Mind collaborated with eight-time RHS Chelsea gold medal winning designer Andy Sturgeon, to create a spectacular garden.

The venture came alongside a Censuswide survey, which found that nearly two-thirds of UK adults say spending time gardening or in nature helps their mental health, with many respondents pointing to the sights, smells, and colours as stress-relieving drivers.

The rewilding movement encourages natural spaces to

thrive, be they vast acres of reclaimed spaces, or window boxes ripe for pollinators.

But there’s also a philosophy in this approach that teaches us something about life more broadly, as Catri explains.

“In essence, rewilding means allowing nature to do its thing. To me, this means for individuals to integrate and reconnect to their inner nature and our natural world more – to rewild ourselves and our focus in the hope to take back what modern life and technology too often distract us from. To prioritise the natural processes

and cycles that come from the different ecosystems. It means, as humans, we stop seeing ourselves as separate from the natural world, and to remind ourselves that we are all reliant on one another.

“I also really like applying the rewilding approach as a metaphor for individuals with ADHD, and applying this thinking to myself. When you relinquish control and stop trying to force your inner nature to look a certain way, when you see that there’s beauty and things to celebrate in the weeds, you can allow yourself to flourish.” happiful.com | Issue 76 | 45

Revitalising drinks Quench your thirst with these delicious summer drinks Writing | Holly Paige

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or me, the summer months are so precious that I want to feel my very best every day. That’s why I’ve created these recipes of truly revitalising drinks that are not only refreshing during the hot weather, but energising and good for your health long-term.

Many of the drinks we buy from supermarkets or during our days out will look appealing — colourful labels stating

the various health benefits that convince us to buy them.

And they may even offer an immediate refreshment, but how often will you feel your energy drop afterwards?

As an alternative, these recipes have your health in mind, helping to support steady blood sugar levels which is crucial for energy and mood. Their tastes may take time to get used to, but they’re worth it!

Cherry lemonade Serves 2–3

Ingredients • 250g frozen sour cherries • 1 litre coconut water • A pinch of sea salt • 3 lemons, peeled and deseeded • 3 tbsp olive oil • 1.5 litres of water (filtered or spring)

Method • In a blender, combine all the ingredients until smooth.

• Pour into a jug and keep chilled in the fridge until ready to serve.

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Holly says: This drink is delicious and revitalising, and also very cleansing. Sour cherries are antiinflammatory, benefit brain cognition, and improve sleep, while coconut water is rich in electrolytes – essential minerals such as sodium, calcium, and potassium – vital for many key functions in the body.

food & health

• If you have a juicer, add the ingredients and juice. Depending on your preference, drink immediately or leave to chill in the fridge.

If you do not have a juicer, don’t fret! You can either drink this straight from the blender if you don’t mind a thicker texture, or you can juice using some gadgets you probably already have in your kitchen.

You will need: • A blender • A clean cotton tea towel • A fine mesh strainer/sieve • A large jug • Add your ingredients to the blender and blend until smooth.

• Once blended, set up your straining station! Place the mesh strainer on top of your jug, and place the cheesecloth over the sieve. Pour the blended concoction slowly onto the tea towel. The juice will run through the cloth, leaving the pulp Five-flavour green juice behind. To catch every drop of Serves 2 juice, gather the cloth by each end, twist into a ball and gently Ingredients squeeze (making sure to keep it • 1 cucumber over the jug).

• 1 lemon, peeled • Chill in the fridge until ready • 1cm chunk of fresh ginger, peeled to serve.

• 4 sticks of celery • 3 carrots, peeled Holly says: Vegetables are an essential • 2 apples, cores removed part of a healthy diet. Raw greens • 3 handfuls of salad greens are especially beneficial, containing (dandelion leaves are a great chlorophyll, essential minerals, addition!) and vitamins. Cucumbers are antiinflammatory and rich in vitamin Method K (important for blood clotting and • Chop the fruit and vegetables helping wounds to heal). Lemon juice into chunks. is rich in vitamin C, helping to protect

and maintain cells, healthy skin, blood vessels, and bones. Lemon juice also stimulates the liver and the body’s production of bile, thus aiding digestion. Finally, ginger, when used in moderation, balances serotonin and dopamine, and supports healthy blood pressure.

Upgrading your water

Many people have an aversion to drinking the volume of water they need to maintain health — from my own observations, this is due to disliking the taste or the volume of water required.

My advice is to drink water in small quantities throughout the day. If possible, buy a water filter to keep in the fridge, and fill up a large bottle to take with you. While plain water is great for hydration, adding one part coconut water can help keep our bodies in balance (thanks to those electrolytes). To boost flavour and get some additional health benefits, add a dash of freshly squeezed lemon or orange juice.

A pinch of Himalayan sea salt is another great addition — these contain trace minerals, and are very different to refined salt.

These tips are particularly useful if you enjoy fizzy drinks — simply switch out plain water for sparkling, and you have a nutritious, refreshing tipple!

Holly Paige is a nutritional practitioner with 25 years’ experience working in natural health. Holly has a special interest in nutrition for brain health, and you can find out more on her profile at the Nutritionist Resource. happiful.com | Issue 76 | 47

6 tips to switch off after work

1. Structure your working day.

Try to tackle challenging tasks early on to ensure you don’t fall into the trap of working late on a problem, particularly if you might need someone’s help who’s finished for the day, or end up worrying about it overnight as it becomes more urgent.

2. Schedule in some winddown time before you log off.

Make your to-do list for the next working day, so you don’t have to think about it in your free time.

3. Turn off notifications.

Whether it’s the work social media account, or your emails, it can wait until working hours.

Android phones even allow you to set up a ‘work profile’ so that you can keep any work-related apps completely separate from your personal ones.

4. Clearly define your home and work spaces. Particularly important for remote workers, ensure any work equipment, notebooks, uniforms, etc. are put away when the day is done – out of sight, out of mind.

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5. Have a mini routine to switch gears into personal time. This could be changing clothes, taking five minutes to just breathe and enjoy some fresh air, or putting on your favourite playlist to boost your mood.

6. Pencil in some fun. Whether it’s looking ahead to your days off, or putting something in the diary after work, doing something enjoyable will be good to look forward to if you’re having a hard week, and distract you from overthinking about work when you’re off the clock.

outside the box

The quiet power of introverts It’s time to recognise and celebrate the many strengths that introverts bring to the table Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

H

ave you ever been dubbed a party pooper because you crave an evening with a good book instead of a night on the town? Or been called shy at work because you get on with tasks quietly? Maybe people label you anti-social, because you know your limits and leave the party early? If you can relate to one or more of those experiences, welcome to the club. You’re probably an introvert.

What is an introvert?

Introverts are characterised by their need for alone time to maintain and refresh energy levels. Reading and writing are often their favourite hobbies, but they can find large social events draining and require space and quiet to recharge. This is in stark contrast to extroverts, who are often chatty, outgoing, and feel energised by social activities.

Introverts, on the other hand, thrive when given plenty of space for deep thinking and introspection.

Although you may identify strongly with one or the other, introversion and extroversion exist on a spectrum, and it’s common to display a

combination of both depending on the situation.

I spoke to Ruth Poundwhite, online business coach and author of Quietly Ambitious, who says the introverts she works with are thoughtful, capable, and driven. “Contrary to popular understanding,” she says, “we still love people, and our heightened sensitivities make us incredibly empathetic and deeply understanding of other humans.”

Unfortunately, we live in a world that champions extrovert traits and often diminishes anything that falls outside of that norm, so much so that those with extroverted traits are 25% more likely to have a higher-paying job, a report by The Sutton Trust revealed. The extrovert bias can also extend to educational and social environments, where introverts can be wrongly perceived as less competent than their extroverted counterparts.

Lindsey Roberts, founder of Goal Digger Coaching, says, “Introverts can often get overshadowed in the workplace, because the extroverts seemingly reign supreme. However, it’s about learning how your introverted skills can really

enhance a team’s dynamic, and focusing on those. Everyone brings something different to the table, and everyone needs to be able to have a seat.”

As an introvert myself, I spent a large portion of my 20s trying to be the talkative, outgoing person I thought I had to be in order to succeed. Without giving myself regular breaks to recharge in my own company, it led to serious burnout, and a long road to recovery as I learned to accept that I am already good enough.

With 50% of people in the UK identifying as introverted, according to a YouGov survey, it’s time to shine a light on all the positive qualities that a huge portion of the population has to offer. And by the way, extroverts are great too.

Sometimes introverts need that bubbly friend who will do all the talking at a dinner party, or the confident boss who will pitch our amazing ideas at the team meeting. The point is that not everyone has the same traits, and they should all be celebrated equally. But, for now, we’re putting the many wonderful qualities of introverts in the spotlight… >>> happiful.com | Issue 76 | 49

Introverts are natural leaders

During his presidency, Barack Obama was said to spend every evening alone in his office, reflecting on his work in solitude for hours at a time. So yes, believe it or not, introverts can make exceptional leaders. Unlike some people in power, who enjoy the spotlight so much that it distracts from the job at hand, introverted leaders are calm, critical thinkers, who value input from others and make informed decisions that benefit the whole team. Lindsey says this is because “usually they have time to think, while the extrovert is blurting out ideas and thoughts, and an introvert tends to have well-formed and thought-out ideas”.

50 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

outside the box

Introverts are empathetic

Because they are so emotionally aware and observant, introverts can sense when others are struggling, and step in to offer support. Active listening allows the introvert to gather information, process it, and offer a solution, even if that’s simply by validating the emotional experience of the other person.

Introverts are super observant

Where an extrovert thrives in social situations by responding verbally in conversations, introverts are more likely to take a back seat and listen intently to what is being said before giving a measured, well-thoughtout response. Their ability to take in the whole picture (behaviours, non-verbal cues, body language) means that they pick up on valuable information that others miss, which makes them experts in understanding situations.

Introverted leaders are calm, critical thinkers, who value input from others, and make informed decisions that benefit the whole team

Introverts are creative It’s not that introverts are born more creative than the rest of the population, but they tend to spend more time alone, which is the perfect environment for focused

Introverts make great friends

Extroverts are sociable beings who thrive around others, and enjoy having a big circle of friends who may fall anywhere on the spectrum from bestie to acquaintance. Introverts are more likely to have fewer, very close friends, to whom they dedicate themselves

thinking – a key ingredient in the creative process.

Because introverts are keen observers, they are skilled at making connections between ideas, and coming up with innovative solutions. All that time spent thinking means that they can communicate their message with clarity and self-assurance.

wholeheartedly. That’s why you might find that your introverted pals are the ones you can call in a crisis, the ones who always remember your birthday, and take note of the little things you enjoy. It’s also very emotionally draining for an introvert to hide their feelings and put on a fake performance, so they give off a real ‘what you see is what you get’ vibe that breeds loyalty and trust in friendships.

In a world that celebrates the loudest voices, remember that your worth is not measured by your volume, but by the depth of your character, and the sincerity of your contributions. Embrace your quiet power, and let your qualities bloom.

Fiona Fletcher Reid is a freelance writer and author, whose book, 'Work It Out' is available now (Welbeck Balance, £9.99). Visit fionalikestoblog.com happiful.com | Issue 76 | 51

How to find meaningful work and improve your wellbeing Whatever it looks like for you, uncover steps for finding work that uplifts and fulfils you Writing | Anna Gaunt

M

ost of us spend the majority of our waking hours at work, so it’s hardly surprising that work influences our wellbeing. How much we get paid, job security, promotion opportunities, and working hours all contribute to our satisfaction at work. However, research shows that an even more important factor in job satisfaction is meaning.

A 2010 review of research by the University of Michigan found

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

that employees increasingly value the belief that their work is meaningful ahead of other factors. There are many definitions of meaningful work, but one definition is understanding what your role is, seeing how the tasks you engage in have a purpose, and knowing that your work serves the greater good.

As a wellbeing coach, I often witness how meaningful work plays a role in not just job

satisfaction, but overall wellbeing.

People who live more meaningful lives are happier, more resilient, and build positive connections with others. Meaningful work can also improve performance, motivation, and commitment to an organisation, so it’s a win for employers, too!

Whatever your current work situation, whether you’re looking for a new job, or just looking to make your work life a bit happier,

? ?

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positive pointers

Employees increasingly value the belief that their work is meaningful ahead of other factors there are many ways that you can find meaningful work and, in doing so, look after your wellbeing.

Start by writing a list of work that feels meaningful to you Of course, saving lives as a surgeon, firefighter, or nurse can contribute to high levels of meaning at work – but meaningful work is personal and different for everyone. Write a list of potential jobs you may enjoy, and think about why they would be meaningful to you. As a gym instructor, you can help people to lead healthier lives; as a delivery driver, you can make shopping more

accessible; or as a teacher, you can help to shape the minds of the future. It’s about understanding the difference you make, and why that is meaningful to you.

Identify your values and strengths Your values and strengths are closely tied, and there are many ways to identify them. You could take a strengths questionnaire online, or simply look at how you like to spend your time. If you’re often helping others, you may value humanity, and your strength may be kindness. If you’re very active in your local community, you may value justice and your strength may be teamwork.

Identifying your values and strengths can help you to find an employer that shares your values, and a job that utilises your strengths. Research shows that a job you care about and are good at is more likely to provide meaning.

Craft your job ‘Job crafting’, a term coined by psychologists Amy Wrzesniewski and Jane Dutton, is essentially changing what you do and the purpose behind it, without upping and changing jobs.

Not everyone can alter their job role, but you could try asking your manager if you can pick up a task that you’re good at that isn’t currently in your job description, or enrol in a training opportunity to learn a new skill you’re interested in. If this is not possible within your role, you can still job craft by changing your perspective on the work you do. Think about the impact certain tasks have, what would happen if you didn’t play your part, and it is important. You can also job craft by turning your attention to building more positive relationships at work.

Changing how you interact with your colleagues and manager can enable a sense of belonging, which is important to both meaning and wellbeing.

Set your own goals and create your own definition of success Although it is important for employers to ensure individual goals are aligned with the objectives of the organisation, it is also important to think about what you would like to achieve at work. Would you like to get a promotion with more hours, or more responsibility? Or is leaving the office at 3pm to spend time with your family more important?

Meaningful work is associated with achievement and accomplishment, and setting yourself goals means you’re more likely to succeed. But only you know what success means to you – think about the life you want to create, and write your own definition. happiful.com | Issue 76 | 53

Your toolkit for

travel anxiety

Keep your mind grounded while your dreams soar, with these tools for combatting travel anxiety Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Y

ou may feel it brewing before you’ve even finished packing, or it might come into full effect as you step onto a plane, or when you arrive at your accommodation. It could be a fear of getting on planes, trains, or boats; anxiety around new places

54 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

and crowded areas; or a general sense of dread around the idea of going away – whichever form it takes, travel anxiety can put a real dampener on our journeys away.

Now, if your travel anxiety prevents you from being able to go about your normal routine, it’s

always worth speaking to a mental health professional or your GP. But there are also lots of other ways that you can try soothing it as you go.

Here, we’ve rounded up seven of our favourite products for you to add to your own anti-anxiety travel toolkit.

positive pointers

Lavender Relaxation Eye Pillow, Calm & Collective Lavender is one of those plants that has been used throughout history to aid relaxation, and this eye pillow from Calm & Collective brings those soothing qualities to a portable, and beautiful, product. Place it over your eyes, and let the scent envelop you as you block out the world around you for a moment of peace and quiet reflection, or meditation. (£14, calm-and-collective.co.uk)

Google Translate app If you’re going somewhere where the locals speak a different language, working your way through language barriers can add to your feelings of anxiety. Whether it’s not being able to navigate new places safely, getting lost, or being unsure how to ask for help when you need it, there are many scenarios on your travels that can be fuel for an anxious mind. Being able to say a few key phrases, particularly those that you might need in an emergency, is a good idea, and can help you feel more confident as you navigate your time away.

There are many apps on the market that can help you do this, but the Google Translate app is free, fast, and can translate from 108 languages – making it a great option.

(Free, available on Android and iOS)

De-stress Aroma-Roll, Absolute Aromas Aromatherapy uses the power of our senses to support our wellbeing, and the aroma rolls from Absolute Aromas mean you can slip a blend designed specifically for de-stressing into your bag. Using a blend of lavender, jasmine, Roman chamomile, and bergamot, simply roll the oil blend onto your pulse points – such as your wrists, neck, and inside of your elbows – and breathe them in deeply when you feel the anxiety start to rise. (£5.35, absolute-aromas.com) >>> happiful.com | Issue 76 | 55

Sleep Dharma Calm Balm, Mauli Rituals Travel anxiety can have a knock-on effect on other parts of our wellbeing, not least our sleep. And with poor sleep can come more anxiety, as our resilience levels drop and our mood can take a turn for the worse. The Sleep Dharma Calm Balm from Mauli Rituals is a little luxury designed to help you find calm. You can smooth it on before bed to help you get that much-needed sleep, or you can use it during meditation and mindfulness, to help you relax even further. Take time to indulge in a beforebed ritual, giving yourself the self-love that you need during times of heightened anxiety. (£44, maulirituals.com)

Affirmation app, ThinkUP Affirmations are short phrases that we can repeat to ourselves which are designed to help us achieve a certain mindset. They can be a great tool for finding calm in the middle of anxiety, and for helping us to ground ourselves. The ThinkUp app provides you with daily affirmations, but it also allows you to record affirmations yourself, add background music, and include soothing images. The premium, paid-for, level gives you unlimited spots for affirmations, and more customisation options but, even with the free version, you’ll still be able to create a digital retreat that’s perfectly aligned to your wellbeing needs. (Free, find it in the App Store and Google Play Store)

Instant Eye Relief Spray, Peep Club

Audiobooks and ebooks, Libby

Created by optometrists for the eye care brand Peep Club, the Instant Eye Relief Spray uses sea buckthorn oil to lock in moisture and provide some relief for tired and sore eyes. The perfect thing to use on a flight, where the aircon does our eyes no favours, this product can also be used to help bring you back to the present, and refresh your anxious mind. Spritz this blend onto closed eyes, and let its scent and soothing properties rejuvenate you. (£15, peepclub.co.uk)

Distraction can be a great tool for dealing with anxiety, and escaping into a great story is the perfect way to let the stress of travel dissolve – plus, it can make the time fly by! Did you know that you can borrow ebooks and audiobooks for free? Libby is the library reading app that helps you discover new stories, and borrow them from your local library. All you need to do is make sure you have your library card, then download the Libby app.

(Free, find the Libby app in the App Store and Google Play store)

56 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

Travel anxiety is something that can affect us at any point, but with the right support, you can shake off the weight, and let your dreams take flight.

Happiful reads...

From a budget-friendly recipe book to a children’s story exploring dementia, here are four reads that would make great additions to your bookshelf Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

D

id you know that on average, we can spend up to 9.5 hours of the day sitting? It’s no wonder we often feel sluggish and tense. But what if we told you that there’s a way to change how you sit to benefit your overall health and wellbeing?

In Sit to Get Fit, psychologist and yoga teacher Suzy Reading

Sit to Get Fit: Change the way you sit in 28 days for health, energy and longevity

by Suzy Reading (Out now)

explores the transformative changes that you can make to your sitting habits to help increase your focus, boost energy levels, and reduce physical tension and stress

levels. Say goodbye to mindlessly slouching on your office chair, and say hello to a new way of sitting.

The Memory Book: A reassuring story abut understanding dementia

by Louise Gooding (Out now) A dementia diagnosis can be challenging for families. To provide kids with feelings of comfort, this book aims to help them understand dementia, and supports parents in reassuring their children about the changes that come with it.

The Mind Manual: Mental Fitness Tools for Everyone

by Dr Alex George (Out now) We all know how important it is to take care of our mental health, but putting it into practice isn’t always as straightforward as we think.

Here to offer a helping hand, Dr Alex equips us with easy-tounderstand tools and knowledge to help us exercise our own mental fitness.

Must reads Feed Your Family for Under a Fiver

by Mitch Lane (Out now) Mealtimes can be costly when you have lots of mouths to feed – a struggle that chef Mitch Lane knows all too well.

On a mission to show families how to cut costs in the kitchen without skimping on flavour, his cookbook, featuring more than 80 crowd-pleasing recipes, is one to add to the pantry.

happiful.com | Issue 76 | 57

“Life is not measured by time. It is measured by moments ARMIN HOUMAN

Photograph | Armin Houman

58 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

positive pointers

Ou r

ld or

n i this e c a w l p

Raynor Winn’s books read like folktales, with memorable characters and epic journeys through adversity. So, what have her long-distance walks through Britain’s most challenging terrains taught her about the next steps we should all take for the planet?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

W

hen I speak with Raynor Winn, she’s on a week off from her book tour for the paperback release of Landlines, and looking forward to putting a clothes wash on. The million-copy bestselling author of The Salt Path, The Wild Silence, and now Landlines tells a story that began in 2016 when she and her husband Moth were made homeless, at the same time as receiving the news that Moth had an incurable neurodegenerative disease called corticobasal degeneration (CBD).

The couple set off on an adventure like no other, walking the 630-mile South West Coast Path. The story captured many hearts, and so it came as no surprise to me when I saw, the week before our interview, the news that The Salt Path was being adapted into a film, with Gillian Anderson playing the part of Raynor, and Jason Isaacs taking on the role of Moth.

“It’s so funny, isn’t it?” Raynor says, with a laugh. “Just the thought of somebody pretending to be you, I can’t quite get my

head around it. It makes no sense!”

But, of course, it does. Raynor’s books have fierce emotional threads that run through them, accompanied by awe-inspiring landscapes, and unforgettable feats of human devotion and perseverance.

At the start of Landlines, Moth’s health is declining. During a time when hope feels scarce, the couple turn to the tool that worked before: walking. They set off to walk the Cape Wrath Trail, more than 200 miles through >>> happiful.com | Issue 76 | 59

Scotland’s mountains and lochs.

Moments of vulnerability mixed with humour and tenderness are played out on the page. With all that in mind, it’s no surprise that a common review adage for Raynor’s writing is ‘soul-bearing’.

But does she agree with that assessment?

“I suppose,” she says, after some thought. “Because when I wrote The Salt Path, I wasn’t writing it for public consumption. I was just writing it for Moth, thinking he was going to be the only person who would read it. But that’s quite good, because when I come and chat to people, they feel like they know me already.”

When she meets readers, Raynor says that people are drawn to the idea of, when life deals you a blow, getting up and finding a way through. It’s a sentiment that feels particularly relevant these days. For all our individual challenges, there’s one such moment, a collective trauma, that all of us now share: the Covid-19 pandemic.

Landlines begins in 2021, and hints of restrictions can be found throughout. Looking back now, Raynor reflects on transformative elements of our time in lockdown.

“We all discovered our local areas, in ways we didn’t know them before. But also, there was that wonderful sense of wildlife finding its space as well. We could hear the birds in ways we never do.

“We learnt so much, didn’t we?

We learnt that, actually, we don’t need to commute into a city, and work in an office. And how 60 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

radically that can change our environment and our quality of life. We learnt so much, and yet we’re not taking the lessons forward, which is quite sad.”

While reading Landlines, I started to notice an undercurrent to the story: moments of protest.

I began folding the corner on those pages where examples appeared, to return to later, and by the end my book was bumpy with dog-ears. Was that something Raynor was conscious of, the weaving of her and Moth’s personal journey with national journeys through politics and an environmental crisis?

During a time when hope feels scarce, the couple turn to the tool that worked before: walking “I think I had things to say in Landlines,” Raynor reflects.

“Things to say about the environment, about how we connect to each other, and how that is sometimes informed by how we connect to the land. I think I was walking through a really strange moment when we’d all just come out of lockdown and we’re looking at how we connect with each other, how we interact with each other.

“We were also just realising what Brexit really meant, and

we were considering the Scottish independence question. And yes, there are elements of protest in there, because I do have a real overriding sense that we need to find that connection to nature very, very soon, because time is ticking on that.”

For all the difficult things that Raynor witnessed during her walk, there were many moments of hope. Forging connections with kind and quirky strangers, becoming awestruck by the beauty of the environment, and by the passion of the next generation, leading a way into the wild and rekindling a love of the outdoors.

“In Scotland, they have a right to roam act that gives people access to the natural world,” Raynor explains. “They have the right to pass over the land in order to further their understanding of their natural heritage. In England, we don’t have that.

But in the north, we saw this incredible sense of young people belonging in the landscape.”

She recalls being near Suilven, in Assynt, where there is a mountain that’s notoriously difficult to climb. It was a Wednesday evening, and streams of young people were coming out of the village and heading towards the mountain.

Raynor explains that such access isn’t available in the south, where public footpaths and wild camping face creeping restrictions.

“How are we going to encourage people to connect to nature and drive towards protecting the climate, and try

Photography | Stuart Simpson

positive pointers

to attempt to reverse this climate crisis if we can’t actually allow them to connect to the natural world?

“There are so many ways we need to approach this, and we’re just not thinking outside our tiny restrictive land ownership box.

Now, you see, I can rant – I can rant about that all day.”

It’s a rant worth having. And setting the world to rights with Raynor – on everything from homelessness (“The answer was always there, we just chose not to use it – just think of lockdown’s Everyone In initiative”) to managing eco-anxiety, alongside optimism for a better future – feels productive. Speaking of which, what is her outlook for what’s ahead?

“It’s our lack of respect for nature that’s brought us to this point in the first place,” Raynor reflects. “And our only hope to actually halt the progression is if we all regain that sense of being part of it.

“Whatever’s happening to the natural world is happening to us, too. So, if we can actually all develop our wild side a bit more, then maybe we’ll start to take on that idea that we’re not just losing the cuckoos or whatever vegetation is disappearing – it’s actually our own existence that’s being impacted, too. Then maybe the two, hand-in-hand, will take us forward.”

‘Landlines’ by Raynor Winn (Penguin Michael Joseph, £10.99) is out now.

happiful.com | Issue 76 | 61

4 strategies for supporting children with insomnia Help your child get the best night’s sleep possible, with these tips Writing | Jenny Oldaker

E

xhausted parents tend to breathe a sigh of relief as their children grow out of the sleep-broken baby and toddler years. But, for some of us, this isn’t the end of nighttime woes, as sleep problems can blight older children, too. If your family is going through this, you’re not alone. A 2021 study by NHS Digital found that 29% of six to 10-year-olds, and 38% of those aged 11 to 16, regularly struggled with sleep.

It’s easy to feel powerless when your child is experiencing insomnia, but it can be overcome. “The key to resolving children’s sleep issues is to work out what is causing them,” says Vicki Beevers, CEO of The Sleep Charity. “Often, it’s more than one thing, and the list of potential causes is vast.”

Bedroom environment, anxiety, medical issues, temperature, diet, and bedtime routine are just a few of the factors that may play a part.

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Once you’ve identified possible causes, you can take action. And though no single solution will work for everyone, these easily actionable strategies offer a good starting point to help promote a more restful night for the whole family.

also provides useful data if you decide to seek advice from your GP for your child’s problems.

If you think this could work for you, there’s a downloadable sleep diary you might find helpful on The Sleep Charity’s website (thesleepcharity.org.uk).

Keep a sleep diary

Pay attention to time

If you’re trying to understand possible reasons for sleeplessness, a sleep diary is a proactive way to help establish patterns. “You can find out from a diary the average sleep duration of your child, and the times they wake and go to sleep,” says Vicki. “This can be helpful in identifying where their body clock is prior to sleep intervention.”

A sleep diary can also contribute to understanding trends around diet, naps, or bedtime routines. Keeping this kind of record for a few weeks can not only help to determine potential sleep disruptors, but

All children require different amounts of sleep, and if your child isn’t falling asleep on going to bed, they may simply not be tired, in which case an adjusted bedtime could help.

Think about the time they tend to nod off, and whether it could be beneficial to make lights-out a little later. This could prevent extra time spent in bed feeling wakeful, and becoming stressed before drowsiness kicks in.

In fact, long minutes (or hours) spent not being able to nod off can upset children, and an awareness of how long they’ve been trying to get to sleep can make matters worse.

food & health

Whatever approach you choose, remember not to expect an instant result “Clock-watching can increase anxiety,” says Vicki. “So removing any clocks from the bedroom may help with this.”

of four, and hold again for four, then repeat.

Embrace mindfulness and breathwork

Weighted blankets are designed to provide light, evenly distributed pressure on the body, mimicking the feeling of being hugged. As such, they can be an effective tool to help children feel calm when dropping off to sleep, and may prove especially helpful in cases where anxiety is a cause of sleeplessness, thanks to their swaddling effect.

Make sure you buy from a reputable supplier and choose the appropriate weight – a weighted blanket should be no

Simple mindful activities before bed can aid the wind-down process. Reading is an obvious one, but other gentle activities can work too – anything from colouring and drawing to yoga, or jigsaws.

After lights-out, you can encourage the mindfulness to continue with simple breathing techniques, which focus the mind and promote feelings of calm. Introduce your child to ‘box breathing’: breathe in for a count of four, hold the breath for four seconds, then exhale to a count

Try deep-pressure stimulation

more than 10% of the child’s bodyweight. The Royal College of Occupational Therapists (rcot.co.uk) has a useful guide to weighted blankets as a sensorybased intervention.

Whatever approach you choose, remember not to expect an instant result. “Sleep issues often get worse before they get better when new strategies are introduced,” warns Vicki.

“Therefore, it’s important to try anything new for at least two weeks to see if it makes any difference. Consistency is key when it comes to addressing sleep problems.”

happiful.com | Issue 76 | 63

EE FR

al n r ou J set d Min

FREE

Develop a g mindset wit rowth ho journal, free ur latest to 6 and 12-mo all new nth pri subscribers nt

New subscriber offer!

68 pages of guided journaling 20+ different activities to explore Delivered for free with your first magazine (RRP £5.49)* Delivering on our mission to create a happier, healthier, and more sustainable society. *UK mainland and NI only. Booklet will automatically be added to your basket when selecting a new 6 or 12-month subscription, no code required. Whilst stocks last. Additional charges my apply for postage elsewhere. For orders to the EU please visit happiful.newstand.co.uk. Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com

wellbeing

Understanding anticipatory grief Mourning doesn’t just begin when someone dies – we can often feel the growing sense of sadness and looming loss long before the dreaded day arrives Writing | Caroline Butterwick

L

osing someone we love is one of the most painful things we can go through.

And, for many of us, the grief doesn’t start when the person dies – we can find ourselves mourning for them months, even years, beforehand, while they are still with us. This is known as anticipatory grief.

While most people understand the idea of grieving after someone has died, we tend to think less about experiencing grief while the person is still with us. But it’s normal to feel a range of emotions when a family member or friend is critically ill or dying.

As counsellor Anthony Purnell explains, this can be because humans are naturally sociable creatures. “When we become aware that we will lose a close member of our social group, we begin to grieve the potential loss of what they have brought into our lives, the roles they performed, and their impact on our family systems, friendship groups, and so on,” he says.

We may start to imagine life without them, and how hard this feels, and this can bring a range of difficult emotions.

Stages of grief

You may be familiar with the idea that there are stages of grief that are common to go through when someone dies. Many people also experience these stages during anticipatory grief. Anthony explains the five stages: Denial: We set out on a crusade to prevent the death of our loved one, or play down the reality of the situation, because we are not ready to face the truth of the potential loss.

Anger: We may become angry with our loved one that they did not take care of themselves well enough, or at external bodies such as health organisations not being able to save or cure them.

Bargaining: We try to make a deal with someone to shoulder the

burden of their illness (‘take me instead’) by pleading to a god, medical staff, or family.

Depression: Feeling sad, or so low you feel you cannot function.

Acceptance: Accepting the reality that your loved one is going to die, or the reality of what is happening.

It’s important to note that you may not experience all five stages to reach acceptance, and you may not experience them in this order. Grief is unique to everyone.

“Also, we may have to consider that we may have to endure the same process with the physical loss,” explains Anthony. “In this sense, families that have a loved one diagnosed with a life-limiting illness may grieve twice.”

How to cope with anticipatory grief

Firstly, remember that it’s normal to feel this way. Grief affects >>> happiful.com | Issue 76 | 65

Grief affects everyone differently – some people will hide their feelings, or seem to be coping OK, whereas others may be more obviously distressed

66 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

wellbeing

everyone differently – some people will hide their feelings, or seem to be coping OK, whereas others may be more obviously distressed. No matter where you fit on this, your response is valid, as is that of people around you. It can feel confusing when others are responding to the situation differently, but each person will experience it in their own way.

Each person’s feelings towards what’s happening, Anthony says, can be influenced by everything from their level of connection with the person dying, to their own feelings and thoughts around death, or what they fear to lose.

Anthony suggests reflecting on what the person means to you, and what you will miss when they are gone. “You may even want to thank the person dying for having them in your life, and reassure them that you will be OK,” says Anthony. “Maybe avoid sharing how them dying is affecting you.

They are going through a lot, and this may make them feel bad. But do try to find someone to share these thoughts with.

“Some may choose solitude, some want to show their grief publicly,” says Anthony. “If there is no one in your social group you feel you can open up to, then counselling can help provide a space to explore how you feel.

It can also help the one dying to explore feelings without burdening family members. The most common thing I hear as a counsellor is the consideration of not wanting to burden others.”

For some, we can also feel grief when we realise our loved ones, such as our parents, are getting older, and we become very conscious that they won’t be around forever. This can be incredibly hard to deal with and talk about.

“As we get older, we become not just aware of our own mortality, but that of our parents,” explains Anthony. “We may not have thought about what it will be like when they are gone, and what this will mean for us.”

There are ways to help process these feelings. “Rationalisation is not always the answer, especially when grief is an emotional response to loss,” Anthony says.

“It may be helpful to self-reflect, and allow yourself to express your emotions through writing a journal, drawing or painting, or simply having a conversation with someone about what may change, and the feelings this is bringing up for you.”

Supporting someone else

You may find yourself in a situation where a friend, or someone else you’re close to, is experiencing anticipatory grief.

You might not know, or be close to, the person who’s dying, and it can be hard to know how to be there for your friend.

“It is important to remember not to tell them how to grieve,” says Anthony. “Though we want to be helpful, how we may experience loss may not be another’s. Some show no emotion because they can hold

the potential loss, are being strong for others, or may not have a close relationship with the person dying, whereas some may feel inconsolable, and any intervention you make may be quickly dismissed.”

Giving them the space to talk is one of the best ways you can help. Anthony points out that it’s important to gently set boundaries so you aren’t overloaded – you want to be there for them, but there’s only so much you can give. You can suggest they try exploring their emotions through counselling, and could offer to help them find the right support.

Anthony also suggests that you can do activities together that give them a break. This could be anything from a theatre trip to going for a walk in nature. Try to find something they will enjoy and will help with their self-care, while being a nice way to spend time together.

“Grief is very personal – we all deal with it in our own way,” says Anthony. “We do not ‘get over it’, we learn to sit with it.”

Anticipatory grief is difficult to go through, but remember that you’re not alone.

Anthony Purnell is a counsellor who specialises in systemic therapy.

Find out more on the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 76 | 67

How to make ADHD your superpower View the unique traits of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in the positive light they deserve, with the insight of our expert columnist, life coach Kieran Townsend

I

t’s a common thread in society for those who are different to be seen negatively or criticised, often simply due to being misunderstood – which is something many living with neurodivergence deal with on a daily basis. And with estimates suggesting 15–20% of the UK population is neurodiverse, according to the British Dyslexia Association, if you’re one of them, you’re definitely not alone.

As a coach, when I work with young people with ADHD, I like them to view it as their superpower! I encourage them to think of themselves as a real superhero would, just like Spiderman has his spideysenses, Miles Morales has his camouflage, and Wonder Woman has unbeatable strength. Using this perspective creates a more effective mindset to progress through life’s challenges, and embrace their unique differences in a very positive way.

While there are many traits we could discuss, here are eight incredible superpowers of people with ADHD...

68 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

Problem-solving

Having thoughts pinging around in your head can actually help you to strategise solutions to tricky situations, and realise effective options that neurotypical people might not have thought of. You are also able to look at things from another point of view, bringing fresh ideas and a unique perspective to challenges you come across.

Imagination and creativity

Those with ADHD may be able to think outside the box, and bring a creative approach to what they are doing. This can help provide blue-sky thinking to projects, so harnessing this creativity can have fantastic results.

In one of my recent sports sessions, a young boy with ADHD created a game involving various themes and elements which the rest of the group loved! Removing the guidelines of a typical sports session gave rise to the opportunity for us to play games in a different way, and still meet the goal of getting the group active together, and having fun.

Kieran Townsend BA hons NLP MHFA

Kieran is a youth development coach and mentor. Find out more by visiting the Life Coach Directory.

Positive multi-tasking

Though you may often hear recommendations to do one thing at a time with ADHD, sometimes multitasking can be effective, making you feel more at ease by stimulating the brain. For example, in my sessions working with young people with ADHD, it’s really effective for them to move around while we talk. It might just be walking, playing with a fidget spinner, or even being on a hoverboard (which has happened!). Being at ease can ensure sessions are more authentic.

Compassion

People with ADHD may have higher levels of compassion for others and show kindness to those who may be less fortunate.

You might resonate with the

EXPERT COLUMN of pleasure, satisfaction, and motivation, it can make someone with ADHD more inclined to repeat the positive habit.

Higher energy levels

Having higher energy levels can be used in a positive and productive way to set the tone for the rest of the day. This might be working out first thing in the morning, or getting key tasks ticked off the to-do list early.

You might also find new passions by channelling this energy into a sport where having high energy levels is effective, such as running or playing football.

Resilience

underdog, or those who have overcome difficult situations.

This has positive benefits, such as making you more likely to help out someone who is struggling, considering what type of career you might want to go into, or even which sports team to support.

Sense of humour

There may be times when someone with ADHD does something unexpected to make others laugh, even in tense situations. This can be a great way to break the tension and make others feel more comfortable. While this might be a happy coincidence, it’s a timely reminder to not take life too seriously!

Laser focus

Harnessing your hyper-focus can become a real superpower, and is particularly true when it’s something you’re passionate about. Having the flexibility to work in your own way, and setting up the environment to reflect this can be effective, such as using colours and mindmaps.

I encourage those I work with to apply an adopted Pomodoro technique to help with focus – working for 20 or 30 minutes, then having a power or reset break as a chance to move around, get a drink, or do a quick set of star jumps. This can then become the reward for a focus block. If this reward or break releases dopamine and feelings

Resilience is a vital trait to succeed in life; the ability to bounce back from challenges and to carry on from setbacks. People with ADHD often develop good levels of resilience through the additional challenges they may have had in their lives. This can also motivate them to approach challenges from another perspective, and apply flexible thinking to achieve an outcome.

Whether you have ADHD personally, or support a child, or loved one with it, seeing the traits someone with ADHD might have in a positive light can help them to live an effective, productive, and content life. Reframing and focusing on the positives gives rise to cognitive flexibility, resilience, and compassion for others. Plus, it can help to improve their selfawareness and understanding, feeling more at ease with who they are, which, as we all know now, is a real-life superhero. happiful.com | Issue 76 | 69

“Imagination is everything.

It is the preview of life’s coming attractions ALBERT EINSTEIN

Photograph | Jonathan Borba

Take 5

Enjoy a moment to yourself, with this issue’s brainteaser fun

Nonogram

In this test of logic, use the clues at the edge of the grid to complete the picture hidden within. You can deduce which cells should be filled in, and which left empty, by the numbers at the edge of each row and column, which represent the amount of consecutive filled cells on that line, with at least one blank cell between each group. Think of it as a ‘paint-by-numbers’ puzzle!

Hint: Start by completing any rows or columns you can be certain of, e.g. where the numbers and minimum empty cells add up to the max line space. Put a cross in the squares you know should be blank to help you keep track.

0

1

2

3

9

43 22

1

0

1 2 3 3 2 1 7 5 3

Riddle me this What tastes better than it smells?

A man rode into town on Wednesday, and left two days later on Wednesday. How?

Which word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?

How di do? V d you isit ‘Freeb ies’ se the c shop. happ tion on if to fin d the ul.com a and m nswers, ore!

Why do we test our relationships?

Our loved ones aren’t mind readers, so why do we expect them to know our needs and wants without us uttering a word? Columnist Michelle Elman explores why we feel the need to set ‘tests’ to see how much people care – and why they’re such a failure Writing | Michelle Elman

I

f you’ve had a quick scroll on TikTok recently, you’ve probably seen the wealth of videos of people pranking their partners.

And while they call them ‘pranks’, in reality, they are tests.

A recent trend was texting your partner “They’re gone, come over now” to pretend you’re cheating on them, and have sent the text to the wrong person. This might sound extreme, but these videos are more intense versions of what people in relationships do all the time, and not just romantic ones.

Some people will stop texting their friends to see if they initiate conversation and make plans.

Or perhaps when their partner asks what’s wrong, they will reply “Nothing” as a test to see whether they truly care, the measure being how much they persist.

All of this amounts to indirect communication, and not even ‘testing’ what you think you are.

If this sounds familiar, you might be wondering why you try to ‘test’ people. Normally, the answer

72 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

is because, for some reason, you feel unimportant and think that they don’t care. Usually, you learn to communicate this way in childhood. If you weren’t listened to, you might have slammed a door and sulked in your room to see if your parents noticed, or packed your bags and pretended to leave to get the feeling of being wanted when they asked you to come home.

We learn this indirect way of communicating because we are too scared to ask for what we need, often because we’ve been rejected or ignored when we asked for it in the past. The issue with continuing this type of communication into adulthood is that when you run a test, the other person doesn’t know they are being tested.

An example of this that I share in my book, The Joy of Being Selfish, is one day I called one of my best friends. I asked how she was, and she told me that her new job was really stressful and, suddenly, I felt guilty: I had forgotten. I apologised,

and she was absolutely fine about it, but if that’s the week she had chosen to test me, I would have failed. It wouldn’t have tested our friendship though, it would have tested my memory. It’s not that I didn’t care, I simply didn’t remember.

Similarly, I remember when a friend did test me. It was in the middle of the third lockdown, and he texted saying he missed me. I replied saying my mental health was struggling, and the second lockdown had been tough. He responded by telling me that he had stopped making an effort the past few months to see whether I would notice, and I hadn’t. I failed his test.

What he failed to recognise though was he wasn’t the only person I hadn’t texted; I hadn’t texted anyone. All my energy had been focused on keeping myself afloat, and while I failed his test, it struck me as peculiar that upon me growing more distant, his first reaction wasn’t to check I was OK.

@MICHELLELELMAN

While you might be the main character in your life, you aren’t in everyone’s, and sometimes someone’s silence is not personal

As we get older, life comes with more responsibilities, and you won’t always remember everything. More importantly, you won’t be able to be there for all the people in your life all the time. The phrase ‘main character energy’ is thrown around a lot now, and while you might be the main character in your life, you aren’t in everyone’s, and sometimes someone’s silence is not personal.

Yes, they could be growing more distant because they are annoyed at you, or they don’t care, or they could be distant because they’re stressed at work, have just gone through a miscarriage, or are

dealing with grief. You won’t know what is going on in someone else’s life unless you ask.

Instead of testing your people, communicate. Annoyed that your friend isn’t making more effort?

Tell them that you want more reciprocity. Worried your partner might cheat? Communicate your concern, and ask for reassurance.

Do you think all your friends are mad at you? Ask them.

When you run tests, you are expecting the people in your life to know why you are upset, and to be mind-readers. The test shouldn’t be if we notice, but more, when we are told, what do we do about it? Measure how much they care

about you by how they respond when you communicate you’re upset. People won’t know your needs unless you tell them. People won’t know your boundaries unless they are communicated. And, most of all, if you want the people in your life to communicate with you, good communication starts with you.

Once you get rid of the testing people, not only will your communication improve, but your life will get simpler. You’ll no longer wonder what friends, family, or your partner is thinking, because you know you can just ask. You can also rest easy in the knowledge that you aren’t being secretly tested, because if you are direct, they have permission to be as well.

Life throws enough tests at us, we don’t need more from the people we love.

Michelle Elman is an author, TEDx speaker, and five-board accredited life coach. Follow her on Instagram @michellelelman happiful.com | Issue 76 | 73

Save the animals this summer With heatwaves increasing, we humans can seek out shade, slap on the sunscreen, keep hydrated, and even crank up a fan for a refreshing cool-down. But what about wildlife?

Writing | Rebecca Thair

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hile summer days might conjure up images of butterflies dancing through the air, being woken to birdsong just beyond our windows, or the smell of freshly blooming flowers as a bee gently hums between their petals, the reality is that summer can be a harsh environment for critters out in the wild.

As temperatures soar, constant reports of ‘hottest day of the year’ hit the headlines, and summer 2022 meant the UK hit 40oC for the first time on record, our natural world can take a hit as it tries to survive and acclimatise to the dramatic heat and lack of rainfall.

While grass turns to straw, and vegetation wilts under the glare of the sun, wildlife can struggle with the limited food sources, dehydration, and heat exhaustion.

If you’re wondering what you can do to help out, fortunately that are several simple steps you can take to support local wildlife through the summer months, that could make a world of difference:

1. Provide water sources

As natural offerings dry up, leaving out dishes of fresh water 74 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

can be a life-saver for many animals, including hedgehogs, birds, and bees. This could be as simple as leaving out a shallow dish you top up regularly, ideally with a few stones placed in the bottom to help bugs or butterflies find their way out if they accidentally fall in. Alternatively, you might want to invest in a more permanent option, such as a bird bath, which allows feathered friends to cool down, and also makes for great viewing to help you connect with nature from your own home.

2. Offer up meaty pet foods

When the ground hardens in the sun, hedgehogs and birds in particular can struggle without their usual feast of worms. A handy replacement can be moist meaty cat or dog food you may already have in your cupboards.

Simply leaving out a dish with a few spoonfuls can help to replenish their energy stores.

3. Nurture your nectar flowers and berry bushes

Protecting and tending to existing food natural food sources is an

Things to avoid: • Don’t give milk to hedgehogs. This is a common misconception, but can harm their digestive systems.

• Steer clear of salt for birds.

Avoid anything salted when leaving them out treats, as this is extremely toxic to them – also be aware of this when trying to clear ice from birdbaths in winter!

• Sweetened or salted nuts are a no-go for squirrels.

Anything processed isn’t ideal, but walnuts and almonds should be OK.

excellent way to care for wildlife.

Plants that produce edible berries or have nectar can be an essential source for butterflies, birds, and pollinators, so keep them watered where you can – these include lavender, marjoram, and honeysuckle. You may also consider planting some if this is something your outdoor space is lacking!

4. Create shady spaces

Respite from the dazzling sun can be essential, so consider ways to

While grass turns to straw, and vegetation wilts under the glare of the sun, wildlife can struggle with the limited food sources, dehydration, and heat exhaustion introduce some shade into your garden. This could be by cutting back on pruning, to let any bushes or plants grow more freely, or building a log or stone pile for a makeshift insect hotel. Additionally, did you know that shade from trees can be up to 10 degrees cooler than direct sunlight so, if your space allows, adding some into your garden could be a welcome reprieve for a creature in need.

5. Tend to your ponds

While some plant life is good for your aquatic friends, be sure not to let it take over their spaces. Clear out weeds, try to keep algae at bay, and regularly top the water level up. Also think about if there are sufficient shady spots inside, as many amphibians prefer cooler conditions.

Signs an animal is in trouble • Hedgehogs: As naturally nocturnal creatures, it’s not normal to see them out in daylight. If you spot a hedgehog ‘sunbathing’, it’s probably in need of help. Wearing gardening gloves, try to place it gently in a cardboard box, taking it to some shade, and offering some water and pet food. Then, you can call a local rescue centre, or the British Hedgehog Preservation Society (01584 890801) for support.

• Bees: Exhaustion can overcome bees, and leave them crawling along the ground. If you spot one stranded, or struggling to move, some sugar with water can give it a boost of energy to get back to its hive.

• Birds: Without the ability to sweat, birds can overheat easily. You might notice their feathers ‘puffed up’, or their beaks open as they ‘pant’. If you’re out and about, carrying a bottle of water with you is always good, not only to keep yourself hydrated, but to allow you to pour some out for a creature in need.

happiful.com | Issue 76 | 75

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Verified professionals* | Search by location | Online therapists *The Happiful family of wellbeing directories are Counselling Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Life Coach Directory, and Therapy Directory. Professionals and organisations 76 | Issue 76 | happiful.com listed are individually verified and approved by our team to meet our policy requirements.

food & health

The emotional impact of skin conditions While we all know the saying ‘beauty is only skin deep’, the reality is that many of us deal with real skin conditions that affect our everyday life. With 60% of us in the UK dealing with skin conditions, and more than two-thirds of sufferers saying it knocks their confidence, how can we deal with the emotional impact of living with a skin condition?

Writing | Jenna Farmer

A

lmost all of us deal with bouts of problem skin – whether that’s skin breaking out before our period, or being plagued by flaky, dry skin in the winter months. But for some of us, skin problems are more permanent, like eczema, which affects 10% of UK adults and one in five children, according to the National Eczema Society. Or perhaps you’re one of the 1.1 million people in the UK who live with psoriasis, a chronic skin condition that causes flaky, scaly skin. Keeping on top of these may require various treatments, such as steroid creams or light therapy, impacting your day-today life. However, what about the emotional impact of living with a lifelong skin condition?

Skin conditions and our self-esteem

First up, there’s no doubt that having a skin condition can massively impact overall selfesteem, which can have a knockon effect with many parts of life, such as relationships and socialising. One study in Nursing Research and Practice found that just under half of people with psoriasis felt that others scrutinised and judged them, worrying that people would think their condition was contagious or due to poor hygiene.

“Having a skin condition can have an impact on almost every part of daily life. It can cause feelings of loneliness, shame, and low self-worth, which can, in turn, lead to social isolation,” counsellor Ali Harper, who works with

adolescents and adults living with chronic conditions, explains. “As well as often involving the lengthy process of applying multiple creams throughout the day, it can also affect choices around clothing, food and drink, work, socialising, and exercise.

“Skin conditions can have a big effect on romantic relationships, including not approaching potential partners for fear of being rejected, and avoiding being intimate (both because of self-consciousness, and because some people find their condition is exacerbated by close physical contact).”

The role of stress in skin conditions

Whether it’s stress in our lives triggering common skin >>> happiful.com | Issue 76 | 77

While skin conditions are not usually life-threatening, they certainly can be life-altering conditions, or the resulting stress from a flare-up, it’s clear that stress plays a huge role in skin health. It can be a common trigger for lots of skin conditions, including psoriasis and eczema, but with many of us living busy lives, it’s not always easy to keep under control.

The stress can quickly become a destructive cycle, as it can cause a flare-up which can, in turn, also make us even more stressed. And then, of course, this worsens the already inflamed skin – and so the cycle continues.

There are many reasons why living with a skin condition is so stressful. Firstly, it makes life really uncomfortable, whether that’s due to scratching, itching, or dryness. Plus, itchy skin can make it difficult to sleep, which can worsen stress and anxiety, as counsellor Ali Harper notes.

“Many skin conditions disrupt sleep which can contribute to impaired memory and cognitive ability, as well as a reduced capacity to regulate emotions.”

Others stress about the consequences of a skin flareup, whether that’s due to low body confidence and fretting about exposing skin on holiday, or practical implications like missing work.

78 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

And it’s these practical implications that shouldn’t be underestimated. For example, a 2021 study of patients with severe eczema, published in the Journal of Dermatology, reported decreased work ability, while other research has found psoriasis considerably influences things like making new friends, travelling, or taking part in leisure activities.

The connection between skin conditions and mental health

Sometimes, the impact on our mental health is more than just feeling stressed. A 2021 report in the Journal of Allergy and Clinical Immunology: In Practice, for example, found that adults with atopic eczema are more likely to develop depression and anxiety, with the severity of the eczema having a stronger impact

food & health

Visit eczema.org for support from The National Eczema Society, and psoriasisassociation.org.uk for further help related to psoriasis.

on depression in particular.

Additionally, a study in the journal Cureus reported that an increase in the severity of psoriasis symptoms has also been linked to an increase in depression, with women particularly vulnerable to this. As with any mental health symptom, it’s important to reach out to your GP if you suspect you may have a mental health condition, or are in need of more support.

How to deal with the emotional impact of skin conditions

Finding yourself struggling emotionally due to your skin condition? These tips may help.

Look to others for support.

Sometimes, living with a skin condition can feel incredibly isolating, but we promise that you’re not the only one going through it. Finding others in the same boat can be a positive step.

“Join an online forum or group,” Ali recommends. “Seeing pictures of skin that looks like yours, and hearing from others who are experiencing similar challenges can be incredibly helpful.”

Both the National Eczema Society and Psoriasis Association have information about support groups that you can join to

connect with others. Similarly, being open with those in your life about your condition and how it impacts your life can help too.

Tackle your stress triggers While stress is unfortunately inevitable, finding ways to cope with it can be beneficial.

Sometimes, that’s as simple as telling someone how hard you find it when your skin flares up.

“Having a good cry, or offloading with someone you trust, is an important way of reducing the stress chemicals that build up in your system, and can help to dampen the inflammatory response,” says Ali, who also recommends exploring other avenues of stress relief as well. “Try something physical (if your skin can’t tolerate sweating, try small bursts of exercise), or jump around to loud music.

These are things that take you out of your thoughts, and either connect you with your body, the world around you, or with other people.”

Seek professional help.

“The APPGS (All-Party Parliamentary Group on Skin) found that only 18% of those who suffered distress due to their skin condition received psychological

support,” says Ali Harper. Yet, if your skin condition is impacting your daily life, reaching out to relevant services – such as talking therapies – can help.

“Recognising that what you are managing is hard and that you don’t have to manage it alone can be a huge step.”

While skin conditions are not usually life-threatening, they certainly can be life-altering.

There’s no doubt that having a long-term skin condition can impact your mental health, so recognising the role stress has on your skin health, along with finding support and stressbusting strategies that work for you, could be transformative.

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease, and blogs at abalancedbelly.co.uk

Ali Harper is a child, adolescent and adult counsellor. Find out more and get in touch via Ali’s profile on the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 76 | 79

How to collect memories (without cluttering up your home) Can you keep personal treasures without allowing clutter to take over your space? We delve into the power of collecting memories and moments, not things Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

W

e all have little mementoes that remind us of important moments or people in our lives – it could be trinkets from holidays, a box of tickets from events with loved ones, or gifts from friends to show you were in their thoughts while they were travelling. From fridge magnets to an array of cuddly toys and souvenirs, it can be easy to get caught up in keeping items from our past to act as physical reminders of some of our happiest memories.

But why do we become so attached to things that others may consider ‘junk’, is that attachment always a bad thing, and what can we do if we’re worried our collecting is getting out of hand?

Collecting memories, not things, could be the answer…

Why do we collect things?

According to the Royal Mint, an overwhelming four in five (83%) of us have collected something during our lifetime, with just over half of us (57%) currently keeping a collection.

80 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

The reasons why we collect things vary from person to person. Some people may start as a way of enjoying themselves, expressing their passion for a certain hobby, or even as a status symbol. Others may slowly grow their collection, adding a new item to signify major life events, or because they create a sense of comfort, reminding them of where items were bought, who they were with at the time, and happy memories.

We may link these items within our collections to people, places, or events, entwining those positive memories with the physical items we have kept – whether that item is something big or small, expensive or cheap. In essence, our collections can become almost a physical representation of our lives: what we have done, who we have spent time with, and where we have travelled.

to feeling cluttered in our minds as well, taking away from that calming, rejuvenating space in our personal sanctuaries. So, the idea behind collecting moments instead of things is that we should focus on how our memories connect us with others, rather than physical objects. When we put our energy into collecting moments, we return our focus to creating shared experiences with the people who mean the most to us.

By taking stock of how we feel in the moment, and the activities and events we share, we can create more meaningful connections and memories. Through finding different ways of recording these memories, we can enjoy and even share them for years to come.

And, going forwards, there can be less pressure to spend money on keepsakes, when you set the intention to soak up every moment for your memories instead.

What does collecting memories mean?

Why do people collect memories?

It’s important to be intentional with what we surround ourselves with – a cluttered home can lead

In many ways, our memories and our experiences define who we are. Good and bad, our memories

Decluttering without sacrificing the sentimental

shape us, the relationships we form, and the life lessons we keep with us. Gathering memories can help us to better learn and reflect on ourselves, the world around us, and our place in it.

Sharing our memories can be a great way to bond with loved ones, as well as to pass on shared history and knowledge about our families. It can also be a way to remind yourself of small details you may have forgotten. For example, you may remember

perfectly what you did on your first date with your partner – where you went, what you did, what you ate. Meanwhile, they may remember other specific details, such as a particular scent, emotion, even what you wore, something you said, or how you made them feel. Sharing these memories can help you rediscover parts of yourself and your shared experiences that may have otherwise become lost to time. >>>

Sometimes, decluttering our physical space can help us to feel better. When we are feeling particularly low, it can be easy to let things build up. Over time, a little clutter can become overwhelming, until we reach a point where we don’t know where to get started, or feel guilty or ashamed for letting things get so far. Or, for some people, you may struggle to realise you have a problem at all.

If you find that you have developed an emotional attachment to a lot of physical items, or struggle to get rid of things, it’s not always a sign that something is wrong. But, if the amount of items you have is interfering with your day-to-day life, is stopping you from doing things, accessing rooms, or having visitors, it can be a sign that your collecting could be compulsive hoarding. If so, reaching out to a professional to talk things through, can be a great support.

Visit the Counselling Directory for more information about hoarding, as well as support and guidance to uncover underlying causes, and how to help a loved one.

happiful.com | Issue 76 | 81

Sharing these memories can help you to rediscover parts of yourself and your shared experiences that may have otherwise become lost to time

How do you collect memories?

As we get older, sometimes we can forget smaller details about the events that mean the most to us. As noted by Harvard Health Publishing, once we hit 30, evidence suggests that we find it harder to remember some things.

Over time, our memories fade, become less vivid, and it can be hard to recall the exact details.

There are many different ways you can collect your memories, without resorting to keeping a large collection of items. Finding ways to help gather, record, and collect memories as you go can help you to remember as much as possible about events, while also creating something you can share with loved ones, and even pass on when the time is right.

82 | Issue 76 | happiful.com

• Write it down. Creating a personal memoir has become a popular option for many people. This doesn’t have to be using an expensive service, or even written in a form to be shared with others. But it can be a great way to collect little life stories you wish to preserve.

Writing letters to your future self, or keeping a journal, can be another way of recording these memories in a written form to reflect on later.

• Capture it in an album. How we store and display our photos has changed over the years.

While my grandmother had album upon album with handwritten captions stacked in her living room, my mother has thousands of unlabelled photos saved precariously on her phone, without any real backup.

Printing out copies of your photos can help you to create a physical memento you can curate, but why not give the

same care and attention to digital photographs? Ensure you back up your photos to avoid accidental loss if your phone is damaged or stolen. Take time to add photos to individual digital albums, or to rename files to include details of when they were taken, who was there, and what the occasion was.

• Create audio recordings.

If writing isn’t your thing, recording yourself talking about your memories has never been easier. You can use your phone or computer to make audio recordings that you can listen to again in the future, or share with loved ones as you get older.

• Make a memory box. You can make your own memory box to commemorate just about anything, from big life events, to smaller but just as meaningful things such as collecting small mementoes from your favourite dates. Even collecting things like recipes that have meant a lot to you can make a great memory box.

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