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ISSUE 106 £5.99

The end of an era Rediscovering yourself, post-divorce

UNCOVER

Sweet dreams Is sleepmaxxing worth the hype?

Digital dilemmas Holding platforms accountable for cyberbullying

Power hour

How to work with your ADHD brain

You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather Pema Chödrön

Honest reflections I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but a day will come when this all feels like a very long time ago. The emotions that consume you, the trials that feel never-ending, the answers that seem tauntingly just out of reach, will, one day, be a distant memory... And part of navigating our way through challenging times, is acknowledging and accepting them for what they are – as difficult as that can be in itself. So many of us hide from our feelings, afraid to be honest about them, even with ourselves. We ‘self-silence’ our anger and hurt, which can have real consequences for our wellbeing (p53), and even feel ashamed about ‘shame’ (p14).

Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge

We can feel pressured to fix it all on our own – and guilty for not trying everything under the sun to find a resolution. But, while our experiences and emotions might be complex, moving forward doesn’t have to be. Wellbeing concepts, such as ‘sleepmaxxing’ (p32), may convolute the simple truth: following our instincts and listening to our bodies might just be all we need.

world, rather than against it – like with our ADHD time management techniques (p48). Or exploring tools to recognise your feelings, whatever they may be, as in our guided journaling pages (p67). You can create safe, inclusive spaces when you lead by example. This could start with learning how to validate others’ emotions and experiences – even if they don’t align with your own (p58). Just as physical wounds heal, emotional ones can also leave their mark – but you won’t always have to endure the sting of fresh pain for eternity. Know that every action you take today – be that working towards expression, acceptance, or processing your feelings – is a powerful step in your self-growth. So, know that you don’t need to diminish or hide from how you feel. One day, you’ll look back in awe at all you’ve overcome. Happy reading,

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges W | happiful.com F | happifulhq X | @happifulhq I | @happiful_magazine

That could involve working with your unique way of experiencing the

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

T | @happiful_magazine

Inspiring reads 11 Peacock parenting What to do if you feel as though your only value is when you’re put on show

14 Unshaming shame A mind-body approach to finding the wisdom hidden underneath

20 Colourful minds Why the paint-by-numbers revival is a stroke of genius

32 Spotlight on sleepmaxxing Is it time we put the trend of sleep optimisation to bed?

53 Stop self-silencing Defy societal expectations and express anger in a healthy way

Culture

7 Need-to-know news 10 Wellbeing wrap

Positive pointers 28 Harmonious home Making peace with neighbours

48 Finding time

17 Books you’ll love 23 Unleash your inner artist

ADHD-friendly tips to help life tick by a little more smoothy

37 Happiful recommends

52 Rise and shine

Wellbeing

56 Tackling fly-tipping

Try these empowering affirmations

Practical solutions to help keep your community clean

39 Decoding cyberbullying How to start holding those responsible accountable

Food & health

45 Standing tall

PRINT EXCLUSIVE

34 Autoimmune flares

Try ‘posture walking’ on for size

67 Seeing clearly

64 The AM effect

Emotions heal when they are seen and heard. Our guided journaling pages will help you do just that.

How to address the link between stress and autoimmune diseases

Can the magical morning hour make personal mantras more powerful?

50 Breakfast sorted Fibre-fuelled granola, for the win

Relationships

Happiful

R EG U LA R S

18 Michelle Elman The reality of coping mechanisms – and showing ourselves compassion

30 Ask the experts

A counsellor’s insight on levelling the scales of emotional labour

42 Anxiety on your mind Luke shares how sobriety helped him get a handle on anxiety

60 Community corner The furry friends who are spreading smiles across the UK

62 Expert column Hypnotherapist Chris on overcoming mental blocks

Look out for these signs in order to build bonds that last

25 Grey divorce Why separating later in life offers a chance to start over

58 I see you Exploring techniques to validate others, even when you disagree

* Expert review

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively. The mind-body connection can be wonderfully powerful, as illustrated on p64, with the idea that saying certain words on a daily basis can emotionally, and physically, impact our wellbeing for the better. Exploring this deeper insight into the how affirmations can help you, along with how to truly commit to the practice, highlights how many simple, yet effective, tools to positively impact our own wellbeing are within reach – if we choose to try them! Therefore the question is: what sentiment will you say to start your day?

24 Five friendship green flags

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist specialising in spirituality and working with males.

Happiful Community Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue OLENA CHECHEL

DR VICTORIA FROOME

MA BA MBACP

MA MBACP

Olena is a psychodynamic and EMDR-trained therapist based in London.

Dr Froome is a therapist supporting adults and young people through life’s challenges.

DAISY BROOKS

CAROLYN HEXTALL

BA (Hons) Dip.NT MANP MGNC

BA (Hons) Dip.Couns PGCE

Daisy is a nutritional therapist with a special interest in women’s health.

Carolyn is a psychotherapeutic counsellor specialising in transactional analysis.

ART & DESIGN Charlotte Noel | Design & Commerce Manager Rosan Magar | Illustrator & Videographer

COMMUNICATIONS Alice Greedus | PR Manager Isobel Owen | Content Editor

KATE KILBY

CHRIS O’CONNOR

BA (Hons) Dip ACC ICF EMCC

HPD DSFH MAfSFH MNCH (Reg) NCH (Reg)

Kate helps mid-career women reconnect with what they want, and step forward with clarity.

Chris is an experienced clinical hypnotherapist who has helped hundreds of clients.

MARTINA BADOR

KATE LEWIS

PGDip Dip Cert MBACP

PGDip MBACP

Martina is a psychosexual therapist working with individuals and couples.

Kate is a psychotherapist and counsellor, helping you navigate life’s challenges.

URVISHA LUNAGARIYA MSc MHCPC

Urvisha is a physiotherapist specialising in musculoskeletal and neurological rehabilitation.

CONTRIBUTORS Maxine Ali, Daisy Brooks, Sophie Campbell, Luke Clark, Rebekah Crilly, Jenna Farmer, Kate Kilby, Sarah Haselwood, Samantha Redgrave Hogg

SPECIAL THANKS Martina Bador, Dr Katie Barge, David Bedrick , Olena Chechel, Ani Djirdjirian, Dr Victoria Froome, Carolyn Hextall, Kate Lewis, Urvisha Lunagariya, Jenny from Pets As Therapy, Laura Patterson, Dr Sophie Mort, Dr Ketan Parmar, Erin Spahr, Steven Wibberley, Dr Ramon Velazquez, Alice Dartnell

MANAGEMENT Amy-Jean Burns | Chief Executive Officer Claire Vince | Chief Operations Officer

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The Uplift CULTURE

Stress levels drop by 22% when viewing original artworks, says UK study Research led by King’s College London has found that spending time viewing art in a gallery setting can reduce stress, and potentially even strengthen your immune system. To investigate the physiological effects of looking at art, researchers split 50 UK volunteers, aged 18–40, into two groups. One group viewed original artwork by Van Gogh, Gauguin, and other world-famous artists at the Courtauld Gallery, while the other viewed high-quality reproductions in a laboratory setting. Saliva samples were taken before and after, and research-grade digital watches monitored heart rate variability and skin temperature throughout the 20-minute experiment. Remarkably, researchers found that for those viewing original art, levels of the stress hormone cortisol dropped by 22%, whereas

the control group levels fell by just 8%. Meanwhile, proinflammatory cytokines (IL-6 and TNF-α), which are linked to stress and a number of chronic diseases, dropped by 30% and 28% respectively for gallery viewers, with no change in the control group. This suggests that art has a potentially calming effect on the body’s inflammatory responses. “From a scientific perspective, the most exciting out-take is that art had a positive impact

on three different body systems – the immune, endocrine, and autonomic systems – at the same time. This is a unique finding, and something we were genuinely surprised to see,” explains Dr Tony Woods, who is the senior author of the study. Though art has long been associated with improved wellbeing, this study provides the scientific backing that it’s healing for our body as well. You know where to go this weekend… Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird happiful.com | Issue 106 | 7

EDUCATION Photography | Ellie Smith

Curriculum brings the joy of Shakespeare to a new generation Approximately two million young people study Shakespeare’s work each year in the UK, yet many feel alienated by the plays, struggling with comprehension, interpretation, and confidence. That’s where the Shakespeare Curriculum comes in; the new, free resource from the Royal Shakespeare Company (RSC) offers a revolutionary way of studying the famous English playwright. Free to use for all state and SEND schools, the RSC Shakespeare Curriculum is the first of its kind. Not only does it provide access to more than 2,000 resources –

including video extracts from RSC rehearsals and past productions – but it is also grounded in real techniques used by professional actors and directors. Taking students beyond their desks to unlock language, character, and themes, the lessons hone vital skills for school, life, and work. Additionally, teachers benefit from pre-written lesson plans, interactive tasks, and student assessment tools. Studying Shakespeare isn’t just good for students’ grades, it has health benefits, too. A 2025 study, published in Advances in Mental Health, suggests that drama

activities can significantly boost mental health, wellbeing, and self-efficacy by providing a space for self-expression, enhancing emotional resilience, and boosting social skills and confidence. With contributions from stars like Dame Helen Mirren, Sir Ian McKellen, and Adjoa Andoh, this new approach to curriculum is sure to inspire a whole new generation. You could say the curtain is rising on a new era of Shakespeare study – one where every student gets a front-row seat. Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

ENVIRONMENT

Plastic wet wipes banned in landmark move to protect nature Rivers, lakes, and beaches across the UK are set to become cleaner, healthier places for all, thanks to a new law banning the sale of plastic wet wipes. The move marks a significant step forward in addressing plastic pollution, which continues to have a serious impact on British waterways. Legislation will be followed by an 18-month transition period, with the ban expected to come into force in spring 2027, and a further ban on manufacture to be considered. Government data shows that an average of 20 wet wipes litter every 8 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

100 metres of beach – and when flushed, break down into harmful microplastics that harm wildlife, and can even enter the food chain. The move comes with overwhelming public support, after 95% of respondents to a government consultation backed the proposal. Additionally, water minister Emma Hardy has urged manufacturers to make product labelling clearer, reminding consumers that all wet wipes – even those that are marked as flushable – should be disposed

of in the bin, not the toilet. This is, in part, because the impact of wet wipes goes beyond just littering; they contribute to a staggering 94% of sewer blockages, costing water companies around £200 million a year – a bill that is, ultimately, passed on to households. With the help of this new legislation, and more conscious disposal habits, we can all play a part in protecting nature, reducing pollution, and keeping our waterways flowing freely. Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

NEUROSCIENCE

Brain has five ‘eras’, scientists reveal – with adulthood beginning later than we think Neuroscientists have identified five “major epochs” of brain structure over the course of a human life, as our brains rewire to support different ways of thinking as we grow, new research published in Nature Communications reports. Drawing on scans from 3,802 people, from newborns to 90-yearolds, researchers at the University of Cambridge identified four pivotal turning points (around ages nine, 32, 66, and 83) where our brains ‘reconfigure’. The first era, from birth until about age nine, is a period of pruning. During this stage, the brain keeps only its most useful connections to facilitate growth.

Surprisingly, adolescence lasts longer than we might expect – until our early 30s. During this period, the brain’s communication networks speed up and become more efficient. At age 32, the brain shifts into adulthood. This lasts three decades, with wiring becoming more embedded, regions compartmentalised, and personality traits levelling out. By 66, changes in brain networks lead to reduced connectivity, as white matter starts to degenerate. Finally, around 83, the late ageing phase begins. Data here is limited, but scientists say the brain shifts from whole‑brain connectivity to relying more on

local regions, reflecting the natural slowing of age. The findings could shed light on why mental health conditions often emerge in adolescence, and how life milestones, such as parenthood, influence the way our brains are wired. “These eras provide important context for what our brains might be best at, or more vulnerable to, at different stages of our lives,” says Dr Alexa Mousley, who led the study. “It could help us understand why some brains develop differently at key points in life, whether it be learning difficulties in childhood, or dementia in our later years.” Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid happiful.com | Issue 106 | 9

The

wellbeing wrap Best paw forward Green sea turtles are no longer on the endangered species list, thanks to conservation efforts increasing their population by 28% since the 1970s Ricky Gervais has donated £2.43 million to be shared between 22 animal charities, from his ‘Mortality’ standup tour Luke Littler has become the youngest Professional Darts Corporation world number one, aged just 18 years and 299 days old

Following previous research highlighting the beneficial impact of dog ownership on your gut microbiombe, a new study, in the journal iScience, reveals that those who grow up with a dog from a young age (and continue to have dogs as adults), score higher on measures of companionship and social support. The scientists explored a possible connection between the two, and believe that changes to adolescent gut bacteria from our four-legged friends support mental health, empathy, and prosocial behaviour.

The golden ticket of giving

Winning the lottery is life-changing, so 48-year-old Steve Thomson wanted to ensure his good fortune touched as many lives as possible. After his £105 million jackpot in 2019, the builder helped fund a new centre for vulnerable young adults in Chichester, as a permanent base for charity Together Our Community. The building houses a sensory room, open-plan classroom, along with a training kitchen and cafe, to enable youngsters to develop skills. Steve said: “I knew exactly where I wanted to help after I won. A few friends have sons and daughters with autism and other learning difficulties, and there was nothing in the area for them to congregate safely, learn skills, and make friends.”

Medical marvels

A poll by the Parliamentary Advisory Council for Transport Safety finds that six in 10 people in England and Wales would back a zero-alcohol limit for drivers

In what’s being considered the ‘biggest shake-up in a generation’, justice secretary David Lammy announced reforms to courtrooms in England and Wales, that mean ‘bad character’ evidence related to a victim’s past sexual history or abuse will no longer be allowed. This is to prevent relationship histories being used to discredit victims, and leading to “profound injustice”.

A landmark report has revealed that Australia is on track, by 2035, to become the first country to eliminate cervical cancer. It notes that, for the first time since records began in 1982, no cases of cervical cancer in under 25s were diagnosed in 2021.

Colombia has become the first country to ban all new oil and large-scale mining projects in its portion of the Amazon rainforest.

KINDNESS, BAKED IN For the past 12 years, Manolo Betancur, a bakery owner in North Carolina, has been making sure no one’s birthday gets forgotten, by donating cakes to non-profit Raise You Up Ministries, which supports chronically homeless people. In 2025, he delivered a milestone 300th cake – ensuring everyone can celebrate, no matter their circumstances.

KEEP CALM & CARRY YARN Residents across Bupa care homes are stitching together the fabric of a better tomorrow, knitting 53,000+ premature baby bonding squares for neonatal units. These 10x10cm squares are kept with mothers and babies, and then swapped, to help them bond while in hospital – providing babies with their mother’s scent, and helping mum’s maintain their milk supply. Peggy, 90, said: “Knitting these squares has meant so much to me. Each one is a little act of kindness.”

Taking it at face value

Live music fans can celebrate, as the UK government announces plans to crackdown on touts and resellers. To protect fans from being exploited, especially by bots that bulk buy tickets with the intent to resell at a high mark-up, resellers will no longer be allowed to sell tickets for profit – only with the same pricetag as they originally paid. Resale platforms will have a duty to monitor and enforce these rules, which will hopefully be music to all our ears (and pockets). Attention fans of the film Cool Runnings: the Jamaican bobsleigh team recently made history by winning the North American Cup – marking the country’s first gold medal in an international bobsleigh competition.

Chew on that Scientists may have uncovered a novel solution to flu season. Researchers from the USA and Finland have created a special chewing gum, utilising therapeutic proteins from plant cells that are released when chewed, to provide an antiviral effect against a range of pathogens. It may not be in shops just yet, but shows that scientists aren’t stuck for ideas!

inspiring reads

Were you brought up by a ‘peacock parent’? Making our parents proud is an ideal that many of us pursued growing up – and perhaps still do, to some extent, as adults. But what if a child and their achievements are always ‘on show’, existing only to satisfy the needs of their parents? Here, we delve into the impact of ‘peacock parenting’, and explore strategies to step out of the shadow Writing | Samantha Redgrave Hogg

ymbolic of beauty, pride, and wealth in some cultures – likely thanks to the males’ iridescent tail feathers and dramatic courtship displays – peacocks are often associated with being confident and attention-grabbing. So, perhaps it’s no surprise that these striking creatures can be used in a metaphor to illustrate complex family dynamics. Being honest about the ups and downs of family life isn’t something you’ll usually hear from a ‘peacock parent’. Instead, they’ll project the ‘perfect family’, parading their child’s talents in public, while criticising them behind closed doors when disappointed. For the child on the receiving end of this treatment, it can feel like their value is only as part of a show put on for everyone else’s entertainment.

What is peacock parenting?

You may have heard the expression ‘as proud as a peacock’, to suggest selfimportance or attentiongrabbing behaviour. In relation to parenting, this can be interpreted as narcissistic parenting, characterised by impaired empathy, manipulation, emotional dependency, and a pervasive preoccupation with feeling powerful or special within the family dynamics. The phrase gathered momentum when a British psychotherapist and author, Kathleen Saxton, released the book My Parent the Peacock: Discovery and Recovery from Narcissistic Parenting, exploring the effects of narcissistic parenting, as well as the two childhood roles of the ‘scapegoated child’ (in which the child is a target for the parent’s

insecurities), and the ‘golden child’ (in which the child is a prize to bolster the parent’s exaggerated sense of selfimportance).

Behind the parade

The roots of this grandiose behaviour stem from the narcissistic wound of low or fragile self-worth, counsellor Olena Chechel notes, explaining how this leads to children being seen as self-extensions or objects to fulfil the success of the peacock parent. “The child must be perceived as acceptable, shiny, or significant, as this all ties back to them. The message is simple: ‘You have to be what I tell you to be, because I know best,’” Olena says. “This is deeply harmful for the child, as they are not able to develop their own identity.” >>> happiful.com | Issue 106 | 11

Olena goes on to explain that due to these parental expectations, the child may struggle to learn about their own interests, explore their curiosities, or simply be a child. They can soon realise that having an authentic self is detrimental to the relationship, and, indeed, that their caregiver can quickly withdraw their love. “The message that children take in is: ‘I am not worthy.’ They start to believe that who they are at the core is not lovable or worthy. Unconditional love is an aspect of healthy development in children; it allows us to develop healthy self-esteem, because we know that even with our downfalls and mistakes, we are still worthy of love,” she adds. 12 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

Three signs of a narcissistic parent

We can all show minor signs of narcissism occasionally, needing to feel special or dream that bit bigger at times. However, this goes far beyond giving ourselves a secret pat on the back when our child does well at something. The peacock parent appears to have a permanent tendency to be possessive of their child, potentially viewing the child’s independence as a threat. Given that, what are some indicators that a peacock parent raised you (or someone you know), and what is the impact in adult life?

Manipulation

Often, peacock parents use tools of manipulation, such as capitalising

on their child’s capability for guilt, especially when they assert their needs, set boundaries, or display feelings of being upset. “The parent will say something like, ‘You are so sensitive, I can’t tell you anything.’ They will turn the tables on the child, and make them feel like they are in the wrong, simply because accepting responsibility for hurting their child could shatter their own selfillusion,” says Olena. This pattern of emotional manipulation, including blaming and coercive behaviour, can continue into adulthood, where the child feels duty-bound to have contact with their peacock parent due to a sense of guilt, rather than a feeling of free choice or independence.

inspiring reads

We need supportive and loving connections. If your parent is unable to provide that, it does not mean that it’s not out there Emotional inconsistency

Peacock parents tend to blow hot and cold, depending on whether their child measures up to expectations or not. The child can feel like they’re walking on eggshells, checking the temperature of their carer’s mood in a bid to be loved. This instability can result in people-pleasing and a lack of boundaries in adulthood, where individuals learn that to be in a romantic relationship, they must always prioritise making their partner happy. “They stop trying to understand their own needs and emotions, as that was dangerous for them growing up,” Olena notes. To explore romantic experiences in adult children of narcissistic parents, researchers collected 77 online personal narratives from individuals who believe narcissistic parents raised them. The 2023 qualitative study, published in the journal Social Sciences, informally revealed that participants experienced difficulties in managing boundaries, as well as a fear of abandonment, and a lack of effective conflict resolution strategies in relationships.

Role reversal

Narcissistic parents may neglect caring duties, exhibiting low tolerance levels, and

unresponsiveness, or, in some cases, expecting their child to be the primary caretaker through emotional or physical dependency. Poor boundaries are also common in this rolereversed relationship, including insensitively confiding in their child, and expecting them to make adult decisions about the home or finances, which can have long-lasting effects. Olena says: “This role reversal can cause children to grow up quite quickly. They may find that they didn’t get to be silly, to play, and be carefree like other children.” Facing up to the reality of having a peacock parent can be a painful process, and so, what are some ways to look after yourself moving forward?

Breaking the spell of peacock parenting

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can feel like being trapped in a web, but a first step to disentangle from its effects in adulthood is self-compassion. This mindful awareness can involve learning how to move away from the inner critic, following your interests, and speaking more kindly to yourself. Olena reminds us of the importance of a support network in facilitating the healing process. That can involve spending time with others in a similar

Olena Chechel is a psychodynamic and EMDR-trained therapist. Reach out via the Counselling Directory.

situation, developing nurturing relationships, or having your story heard through therapy. “We need supportive and loving connections. If your parent is unable to provide that, it does not mean that it’s not out there. Find your people,” she says. Olena also recommends redefining the relationship if the parent is causing distress: “Instead of bringing emotion into the relationship with the hope of being understood, it can be helpful to find boundaries that will make you feel safer in the dynamic. [...] If the relationship is causing harm, you may need to limit contact. This is something we get to do as adults, but can’t do as children. It can be healing to make that choice.” It takes time to move through the haze of narcissistic parenting, and develop those all-important boundaries, but understanding and validating your experience is a stride towards living in your own spotlight. Samantha Redgrave Hogg is a mental health writer whose book, ‘Flow’, is available now. Visit samantharedgrave.com for more. happiful.com | Issue 106 | 13

Unshaming shame

We’re delving deep into the roots of shame and how to address it, with the help of shame researcher and teacher David Bedrick Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

’d always thought of shame as that awful face-burning feeling when you’re caught doing something wrong. But in his book, The Unshaming Way, David Bedrick describes something far harder to contend with – a phenomenon so embedded in our psyche that it is almost imperceptible. “Most shame exists in people without them even knowing it,” David tells me on a video call from his home in the US. I nod in agreement, because I can attest to this: it wasn’t until my mid-30s that my queerness crept out of the darkness asking to be acknowledged. For some people, shame may stem from a specific event or traumatic incident, but it can also be tied to personal aspects of ourselves, and, as David points out, societal conditioning can force us to mask certain parts of identity. The confusing nature of shame means that you often feel proud of how well you keep those aspects hidden. You may even be rewarded in the form of emotional validation, physical safety, or career success. But nevertheless, the shame is still

14 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

there, silently convincing you that parts of you are unacceptable. This, David argues, is the paradox that keeps so many of us stuck: the shame itself is shameful, making healing tricky to access.

Why does shame matter?

Over time, unaddressed shame has been linked with anxiety, mood instability, depression, and even a reluctance to seek help. Not only can shame lead to substance abuse, but the addiction itself then becomes shrouded in shame, making healing an essential component of recovery, as noted in PLOS One in 2022. Another study, published in 2021 in the Journal of Nursing Scholarships, focusing on ageing adults, found that shame around physical disease can trigger defensive responses, isolation, hostility, depressive symptoms, and a lack of resilience. But knowing that shame is hidden in plain sight, how do we recognise it?

Searching for shame

David suggests gently asking yourself a simple question:

“What part of me do I want to get rid of?” No doubt you’ll have at least one thing that comes to mind – whether it’s your eating habits, angry outbursts, lack of confidence, or propensity to procrastinate. Research shows that shame is commonly associated with a wide spectrum of concerns, from having psoriasis or Parkinson’s disease, to living in poverty, or even having a menstrual cycle. Try paying attention to your ‘should’ statements, e.g. ‘I should be more organised.’ ‘I should handle stress better.’ When you catch this way of thinking, you’ve found your inner critic. David encourages ‘amplifying’ the voice, speaking it out loud in order to witness the intensity of it. When you do, you’ll see exactly how shame manifests in your head, demonstrating that shame is more than just a feeling; it’s a lens of self-perception.

Cleaning the lens of shame

Once you connect with that internal critic, you open up

inspiring reads

Shame is more than just a feeling; it's a lens of selfperception

the route to healing, because you’ve identified a voice that has hurt you in the past. Most likely, it’s a parent, teacher, or other authority figure who didn’t offer compassion when you were experiencing some sort of hurt. And because shame is created, or deepened, when someone’s pain is dismissed, denied, ignored, or blamed on the victim, responding with a compassionate internal witness becomes healing in itself, shifting the narrative from ‘I am broken’ to ‘I was hurt, and this is how I’m coping.’ You can become your own compassionate witness by simply allowing your emotional experience to exist, without trying to fix it. For example, when I walk into a gay bar and I hear the inner critic saying I don’t belong there, I remind myself that I’m welcome, that it’s OK to be a little nervous, and I’m doing great. Another key shift is to acknowledge your distress as a result of that inner critic. E.g. instead of saying, ‘I’m really lazy today,’ say, ‘My inner critic is giving me such a hard time today.’ This subtle tweak helps minimise shame, and acknowledges the hurt you’re feeling. Importantly, letting go of shame doesn’t mean allowing yourself to act on every impulse just because you’ve acknowledged the validity of your emotions. “Let’s say you’re a single mum, and you’re going to lose your job if you shout back at your horrible boss,” David says. >>> happiful.com | Issue 106 | 15

“You probably can’t act on the feeling, but know inside yourself that there’s a loud voice that knows you were mistreated.” This stops the emotions turning into self-criticism, halting shame before it comes embedded. You’re still in a tough spot, but you’re not thinking there’s something fundamentally wrong with you.

Somatic approach to shaming

Shame can also be addressed by connecting with what David calls the ‘intelligent wisdom’ held in the body. Take his work with a woman whose eating disorder caused throat tension. To explore this body sensation, David asked her to squeeze her hands around his arm as if it were her throat. “She showed a lot of power in that moment, a lot of strength,” he recalls. That simple, intuitive gesture helped her connect with something she’d been suppressing – a strength that then became key to her longterm healing. This kind of somatic therapy is commonly used to treat trauma by focusing on internal sensations as a way to complete psychological and physiological defensive responses, as noted in a 2021 literature review in the European Journal of Psychotraumatology. Working with a trauma-informed somatic practitioner is recommended here, in order to decode the body’s wisdom safely. 16 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

For me, the somatic element of David’s work has been particularly effective. One exercise he offers is to think of a quality of yours that you would like to get rid of. Name the quality and your judgement about it. Then, without overthinking, allow your hand to make a gesture to represent the feeling. In the same way that you amplified the inner critic, now amplify the gesture. Exaggerate it, make it bigger, and be playful with the expression of it. Often, in that weird hand movement there is a clear and powerful message that is asking to be heard. I did this exercise in relation to my LGBTQIA+ identity, and found myself stretching both arms to the sky, trying to take up as much space as possible – the complete opposite to what my internal critic would like me to do. The intelligent wisdom was: I want to exist as big and boldly as I can; I want to openly be myself. The path to ‘unshaming’ is a deeply personal one that benefits from a combination of brave selfreflection and connection to the body. It’s not an overnight process, but can I say with confidence that when we stop trying to fix the parts of ourselves we’ve learned to be ashamed of, and listen closely, we can finally hear what they’ve been trying to tell us all along. David Bedrick’s book, ‘The Unshaming Way’, is available now. His workbook companion is due out in March 2026.

Happiful reads... From a guide combatting digital exhaustion to a psychologist’s A–Z formula for cultivating happiness, we’ve chosen four must-reads to enrich your life Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

hen we use technology in our everyday lives as much as we do, it’s easy to assume that it doesn’t impact us negatively. But, the constant exposure to information, and playing catchup with notifications, can leave many of us feeling fatigued and

Digital Exhaustion: Simple Rules for Reclaiming Your Life by Paul Leonardi

overwhelmed, both at work and at home. The good news, though, is that there is something you can do about it. In Digital Exhaustion, Paul Leonardi, who is a digital expert and professor of Technology Management at the University of California, shares eight rules

that can help you to modify your relationship with technology, so that you can begin using it effectively, without harming your wellbeing, and feeling more in control.

A Thousand Feasts by Nigel Slater Delve into the goings-on of much-loved food writer Nigel Slater, as he notes his observations and memories over the years through the lens of cooking and travel. From eating mangoes in a monsoon rainfall to drinking coffee in Osaka, his stories will make you yearn for adventure, and seek joy in the simple pleasures.

The Alphabet of Happiness by Klaudia Mitura We all strive for happiness and fulfilment, but how do we get there? Psychologist Klaudia Mitura leads the way with her jargonfree A–Z formula. Backed by expert insight and packed with practical tools, you can begin taking small steps towards a life that best aligns with you and your values.

Must reads Dog Affirmations: by Andrea Cáceres In this thoughtful little book, we turn to some wise furry friends to support us with our affirmation practice. The idea for this came to light when artist Andrea Cáceres would often wonder what her dog was thinking in specific situations, as a way of shifting her perspective when she felt overwhelmed or sad.

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The truth about coping mechanisms Why do we turn to certain behaviours in stressful periods, and are our perceptions of what’s healthy (or not) truly accurate?

e hear the term ‘coping mechanism’ a lot these days, but what does it actually mean? According to psychologists, these are strategies we turn to, to help us manage stress, our emotions, or difficult situations, and while there’s been debate over whether these techniques and behaviours can be broken down neatly into categories, the reality is, most of us will turn to them for a complex blend of reasons. And this is where perception plays a role in perpetuating stigma and shame. While the definition itself doesn’t include a negative or positive implication, if you spend long enough on social media, it would be easy to think otherwise. People’s associations and assumptions with the term can mean it conjures up maladaptive coping mechanisms (which typically offer short-term relief, without addressing the underlying cause), such as substance abuse. But the reality is that there’s a spectrum of mechanisms we can turn to – some of which are

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Writing | Michelle Elman

genuinely healthy and supportive as well. These could range from seeking professional support to exploring a hobby that you know helps you de-stress. Of course, what people deem ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’ is often based on societal projections. For example, if your coping mechanism was to start working out two hours a day, this might be seen in a good light, as it would be perceived as a positive commitment to your physical health – but, for some people, it might actually be a technique to avoid dealing with an underlying emotional issue. If your coping mechanism was to pour your time and energy into your work, it’s likely that you’d be praised, and yet if, instead, your outlet was playing video games all hours of the day, you might be shamed – even if this behaviour was constructive for you. We even see this perception of what’s considered a societally acceptable coping pattern in humour; parents often joke about their nightly glass of wine as their coping mechanism, especially

during in the early years of parenting. It’s viewed as relatable and understandable, until that glass turns into a bottle, and then the shame begins. This is why it’s important to be aware of your own behaviours, and what tools you’re turning to, to question if, and how, they’re supporting you – but to do so without judgement. At its core, the goal of a coping mechanism is often to numb or avoid whatever is going on in your life. So try to be aware of why you are choosing that action, and, from that place, you can then understand that the gym, or work, can also be used in a harmful way, as much as alcohol can. It’s this awareness that can help you move forward; if you recognise something is harmful or poses a threat to your health, you can reach out for support to deal with the underlying motive driving you towards this coping mechanism, and find more beneficial routes instead. You might be wondering what you can do once you have this recognition of your own behaviour

@MICHELLELELMAN

patterns – whether you’re able to view them in a more positive light or not. And, while there is a lot of stigma attached to using coping mechanisms, the truth of the matter is they are often essential to your survival. Does drinking a caffeinated energy drink at 6pm support your best quality of life? No, but it might just give you the pep you need to make dinner and finish your important presentation prep, so that you can

get through an unusually stressful period at work. Typically, once through that survival period, people look back on their past with shame, wondering why they drank so much or stayed in that relationship as long as they did. But it’s important to look at your behaviour in the context of your experience – which often makes more sense than not. Through this more compassionate lens, we

might understand that our body and brain came up with resources to help our survival, rather than scolding ourselves for not being perfect in the face of adversity. There is no purpose in shaming yourself for past decisions that you cannot change. Instead, if we are able to look at those decisions with kinder eyes, we would be able to understand why our past self made those choices. Then, we can learn from them, and grow, by recognising where we can make different ones moving forward. Ultimately, whenever you go through something big, the chances are, you are going to make some decisions that are out of character, because big life events typically propel us to change as a person. In needing to figure out the new you, and your new life, you might try a few new behaviours on for size – some will be a temporary plaster, some will fit and you will want to keep, and others will fall away as you see that they’re not the best decision for your future. Regardless of how you reflect on a coping mechanism after the fact, you can show yourself compassion and understanding for what that tool contributed to your life for the period it served you. So, don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed; a human can only handle so much, and sometimes we do need tools to soften the blows life deals us!

‘Bad Friend: Why Friendship Breakups Hurt and How to Heal’ by Michelle Elman is out now (Renegade Books, £20) happiful.com | Issue 106 | 19

We l l b e i n g : down to a fine art How ‘paint by numbers’ can offer an accessible way to add colour and calm to modern life Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

hen I was a kid, there was nothing I loved more than spending an afternoon doing arts and crafts. Whether it was moulding clay into something meant to resemble a wild animal, or pretending to be a fashion designer sketching dresses for my favourite celebrities, time seemed to stand still when I let my creative spirit roam freely. Nowadays, the thought of muddying up the dining table with bags of clay or pots of paint feels like a hassle – I only have a few hours to spend on hobbies every week, so why make things more stressful by adding in cleanup time to the process? But there is one creative activity that doesn’t require huge amounts of time, space, or energy to slot into your lifestyle, and it’s having a bit of a resurgence lately: paint by numbers.

What is paint by numbers? Paint by numbers was created in the 1940s by Dan Robbins at Palmer Paint Company, inspired by Leonardo da Vinci’s way of 20 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

teaching his apprentices. The kit included a numbered canvas, matching paints, brushes, and palettes, making art accessible to anyone. By the 1950s, it had become a wildly popular pastime, with £15 million in sales in 1955 alone. Today, people return to the activity as a calming, structured way to enjoy creativity.

Why paint by numbers?

When you think about creating a masterpiece, you might imagine sitting in a studio, surrounded by large canvases, various paints, as well as brushes and tools to make your mark. But not everyone has the budget, or space, to explore the joy of painting. With paint by numbers, everything you need to paint your picture is included in a handy kit. There’s no traipsing around the art store wondering which colour palette you’d like to work with, or investing money in expensive tools for a hobby you may not continue with long-term. Perhaps the most appealing aspect – especially for those who lack creative inspiration or

worry about their current artistic skill level – is the predetermined nature, because it removes the pressure of committing to an idea all on your own.

Creating art can be deeply therapeutic, offering a safe release for hidden emotions Unlike other creative pursuits where you might agonise over subject matter and audience interpretation, paint by numbers removes that self-doubt. You’re not staring at a blank canvas wondering where to begin – the path is already laid out for you. “An anxious mind is often burdened by constant decisionmaking,” explains psychotherapist Kate Lewis. “When that responsibility is removed, it can feel containing and grounding. By providing clear parameters, the person is able to mindfully focus on the task without the fear of ‘getting it wrong’, or needing to make a decision.” >>>

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According to Kate, this allows the mind to settle, and engage more fully in the mindful nature of painting. For those who struggle with traditional mindfulness techniques, like yoga or meditation, having a practical alternative can be extremely effective. “One of the main difficulties people experience when starting any mindfulness practice is that they are often asked to focus on something quite abstract, like the breath,” says Kate. “This can be challenging if someone isn’t very kinesthetic (bodily aware), or finds it hard to concentrate on non-tangible experiences.” It’s important to debunk the idea that this structured approach makes the experience any less meaningful. In fact, for many people, it’s precisely what makes it enjoyable. You still choose which colour to paint next, feel the brush moving across the canvas, and experience that thrill when a section is complete and the image starts to take shape. Mindfulness-based art therapy (MBAT) is more than just a fun activity; it offers genuine mental health benefits. One meta analysis from 2020, published in Complementary Therapies in Clinical Practice, found that MBAT can relieve anxiety, depression, and fatigue in people with chronic medical conditions. Similarly, a 2024 research paper, published in Frontiers in Psychology, reports that people who engage in art-making are inclined to adopt a more constructive perspective on things. The paper also references 22 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

Edith Kramer, a pioneer of art therapy, who showed that creating art can be deeply therapeutic, offering a safe release for hidden emotions, and easing psychological tension, in a way that talking therapy cannot. And because painting by numbers involves no specific skill level or expensive materials, it offers a therapeutic tool that almost anyone can benefit from.

Artistic alternative

Another reason why people are drawn to paint by numbers is the dedicated time away from screens. With social media dominating our lives, British adults now spend an average of roughly 7.5 hours per day staring at phones, computers, tablets, and TVs, according to data from the Institute of Practitioners in Advertising. With increased screen time cited as a cause of declining physical and psychological health, as well as disrupted sleep patterns, as noted in a 2022 paper in Cureus, channelling your inner Bob Ross could be the perfect way to disconnect from the world and nurture inner peace. And unlike binge-watching another series, paint by numbers gives you something tangible at the end: a finished painting you created with your own hands, and a sense of achievement that can be surprisingly powerful in the face of anxiety and low mood. So, how can you make the most of this as a wellbeing tool? Kate says it’s important to be patient with the process: “Like most things in life, the more you practise an activity, the easier it becomes, and

the more you stand to gain from it,” she explains.

Getting started with paint by numbers

If you’re tempted to give paint by numbers a try, the good news is that kits are widely available online and in craft shops, with prices starting from around £10. For beginners, pick a simple design with larger sections and fewer colours to avoid feeling overwhelmed. Give yourself permission to start small. You don’t need to complete the whole painting in one sitting – even 15–20 minutes can provide a valuable break from the mental chatter of daily life. Create a comfortable space where you can leave your painting set up between sessions if that feels doable, even if it’s just a corner of the kitchen table. Having it visible serves as a gentle reminder to pause and paint, rather than reaching for your phone during downtime. It’s also a great way to spend time with friends, and often more affordable than going to the pub or out for a meal. Just remember, as well as creating a piece of art you can be truly proud of, painting by numbers is a fun and constructive outlet for mental and physical health – and that’s something you can count on. Kate Lewis is a psychotherapist and counsellor, helping you navigate life’s challenges. Visit her profile on the Counselling Directory.

Picture this Try some mindful creativity for yourself with Happiful's own paint by numbers. Follow our palette guide, or feel free to experiment with your own – and don't worry if you don't have paints. Try shading in pencils, pens, crayons, or any other medium that suits. The main idea is to give yourself a moment of respite, and enjoy some artistic license.

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5 green flags in a friendship Subtle signs your platonic pal is a keeper Writing | Rebecca Thair

1. They celebrate your wins!

As much as they would their own, too. A good friend is in your corner, cheering you along whenever you need it most, without seeing you as a threat to themselves or competition. They want what’s best for you, and can revel in your happiness, even if the direction you’re growing in isn’t the same as theirs.

2. They hold you accountable.

Being on your side doesn’t mean they won’t call you out when needed, though. This might be reminding you of your goals and ambitions when you veer off track, or giving honest (but respectful) feedback when it’s called for. They’re supportive, and there to help if you need perspective on a problem, but will tell you the hard truths if you ask for them.

3. They are considerate and respect your boundaries.

This is about showing you compassion and thought, even in small ways. It might be a heads up that someone you’re not so fond of will be attending an event, so you can mentally prepare ahead of time, or checking in when they know

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the anniversary of a prominent loss is approaching. They also respect your decisions and autonomy, without making you feel guilty. These little acts of care show that they see you, and are there to support you, even in the small moments and gestures.

4. They reciprocate your energy. We may not all

show our love and affection exactly the same, but they will balance what you’re bringing to the table in their own way. While some of us might be the organisers, others are the thoughtful gift-bringers, or the ones that send just the right message (or meme) when you need it most. As long as the communication balance works for you, and you feel heard, supported, and validated by them in whatever form, you know they care, too.

5. They let you be yourself.

No judgement here. Mutual respect allows you to be comfortable in your own skin around them, with no fear of putting on a show or wearing a mask to fit in or be accepted. They love you for who you are, and you know it.

And red flags… Whether it’s recognising a platonic relationship has run its course, or may even have turned toxic, these are some key warning signs a friendship is not longer healthy for you: • Feeling emotionally drained after spending time together. • They don’t respect your boundaries. • Acting like they’re in competition with you, and trying to ‘one-up’ you constantly. • Feeling like they only contact you when they need something. • Belittling or undermining your interests, goals, or achievements – even under the guise of ‘banter’ or jokes. • Sensing that you can’t be yourself around them.

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Grey divorce Ending a marriage later in life brings challenges, but also unexpected opportunities to rediscover who you truly are Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

he breakdown of any long-term relationship, especially a marriage, comes with a lot of emotional baggage. But there’s something distinctly challenging for those going through divorce later in life – with long-established routines, social groups, and aspects of identities thrown into question, at a time where you may have been getting ready to settle into retirement with your other half. And according to the Office for National Statistics (ONS), the divorce rate across England and Wales for people aged 50 and over is on the rise, whereas every other age group is in decline. So, why is it that older couples are opting to separate more than before? And what are the unique challenges faced by later-in-life divorces?

What is grey divorce and why is it on the rise?

‘Grey divorce’ describes the ending of a marriage for adults aged 50+, and it’s something that, according to couples and psychosexual therapist Martina Bador, is partly a result of shifting

perceptions. For older couples, perhaps divorce wasn’t ‘the done thing’ when they tied the knot, but things have since changed. “I think there is less stigma around separating than there was previously,” she says. Not only that, but Martina notes that more accessible information is empowering women, in particular, to end marriages that are no longer fulfilling. “Social attitudes are changing, and the internet has taught us a lot more about what is acceptable in a relationship,” she says. There have been legal changes, too – such as the ‘no fault’ divorce option, which was introduced in 2022, allowing couples to initiate proceedings without assigning blame to one person. It seems that women are the driving force behind later-life divorce – with the ONS noting that 62% of divorces in England and Wales were initiated by women in 2019, and this figure rising to around 70% in the US – and this is widely agreed to be for a number of reasons. These include greater financial

independence for women (they can afford to leave), and, often, any children have grown and left home – this uncomplicates things to a greater extent, so more generally divorce is less complex than it was in the past. A 2025 report (Beyond the Break, compiled by NOON for law firm Mishcon de Reya and Julius Baer International), focused on women in midlife, found that emotional drivers for divorce remain familiar: relationships drifting apart; long-standing conflict; or a misalignment that becomes harder to ignore after children leave home. While the process is far from simple, the data also reports that a third (31%) of those interviewed said that they were the “happiest they had ever been”.

So, how can you navigate divorce later in life? Feel the fear

Whether you’re contemplating asking for a divorce, are processing the fact that your partner has asked for one, or are midway through the paperwork, >>> happiful.com | Issue 106 | 25

It’s a chance to create a future that's got your wants and needs at the heart of it

it’s normal to experience a deep sense of grief about what you’re losing, as well as worries about the future. “I think that fear is the biggest feeling to face,” says Martina. “People often wonder: what will my life look like? How will I cope? What if I want to have another relationship?” And while these worries are very real, and will likely need addressing at some point, Martina suggests trying to put a limit on how long you linger in this headspace. “If you’ve been anxiously thinking about something for 26 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

Martina Bador is a psychosexual therapist working with individuals and couples. Contact her via the Counselling Directory.

more than 20 minutes, and you’re not coming up with any answers, go for a walk, listen to music, do something with your hands – whatever allows you to stop thinking for a minute or two.” As much as you can, try to counteract the thoughts about negative outcomes with

alternative, or co-existing, positive outcomes, too. “Human beings are enormously resilient, but generally, we don’t like not knowing what will happen. If we can imagine something good, it reassures us; I think that’s helpful when you’re feeling overwhelmed,” says Martina.

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“It might not seem this way at the time, but separation is an opportunity to reassess and take stock,” says Martina. “To think about doing things differently, and to wonder about new possibilities.”

Focus on you

Breaking away from a long-term partnership can mean a shift in responsibilities. Where, in the past, you may have spent your days earning a wage to do things with your other half, or cooking meals with them in mind, going solo can feel like it lacks meaning. Having all that extra time and space to yourself, outside of the couple dynamic, can throw up lots

of questions about who you are as a single identity. “Being part of a couple over a long period of time, creates ‘grooves’ that our life runs along. We have set ways of doing things, and activities we like to do,” says Martina. “We know who we are, in relation to this other person. But when we separate, we have to rethink who we are.” Martina acknowledges that this is a scary prospect, especially if you haven’t given it much thought until now. But talking with trusted friends, or perhaps a therapist, can create a safe container for you to explore these questions around your identity without judgement. If you have adult children, you may find yourself acting as a shoulder to cry on as they process the divorce, but remember to find a space where you can express your emotions, too. “Try to consider what’s possible. It’s an opportunity to do what you want to do, without having to worry about considering someone else’s needs,” she says. “It’s a chance to wonder about the things you can do, and a chance to create a future that’s got your wants and needs at the heart of it.” When you’re ready, making time for hobbies can be a way to not just find answers, but take care of your mental health along the way. For example, research in a 2025 paper, published in Issues in Mental

Health Nursing, found that hobbies facilitate relaxation and pleasure, playing a crucial role in mitigating anxiety, stress, and depression, while promoting overall life satisfaction.

Find a support network

Divorce can feel isolating, especially if many of your friends are still in long-term partnerships, or the separation has caused divided loyalties within your social circle. You might worry about being the odd one out at dinner parties, or feel like you’re burdening people with your problems – but reaching out at this time is essential. Consider joining groups specifically for people who are navigating later-life divorce, or explore activities where you can meet new people outside of your established social circle. Online communities, like Facebook groups, can provide connections without talking face-to-face. Don’t be afraid to get practical support, too – whether that’s a therapist to process the complex emotions, or a financial advisor to get advice about your future. Many people also find solicitors who specialise in later-life divorce particularly helpful, as they understand the considerations around pensions, property, and retirement plans. Most importantly, be patient with yourself. Divorce doesn’t follow a neat timeline, and there will be difficult days alongside the hopeful ones. But, with the right support, and a willingness to rediscover yourself, this ending can also be a new beginning. happiful.com | Issue 106 | 27

How to make peace with difficult neighbours When tensions rise with the people who live nearby, how can you address the issue without making things worse? Writing | Sophie Campbell

ur homes are meant to be our safe havens – places where we can retreat and recharge. They embody our sense of identity, security, privacy, and belonging. So when conflict occurs through neighbours having late-night parties, leaving rubbish in communal spaces, parking wars, or displaying outright aggressive behaviour, it can disrupt your sense of peace and safety. According to research by property website Rightmove, more than a third of people in the UK have had a row with a neighbour. Unsurprisingly, disputes with neighbours can start to take a toll on your mental health, especially when they’re prolonged, or are becoming more aggravated. No one deserves to feel uncomfortable or threatened in their own space. So, let’s take a look at how to deal with difficult neighbours, so your house can feel like home again.

Try cognitive reframing When disturbances first occur, remember, it could well be that 28 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

your neighbour is completely unaware that you can hear their music playing late at night, and would be horrified at the thought. Or maybe the council is late picking up those old couches they’ve left in the hallway of your building – and they’re just as stressed about it as you are. Instead of viewing the issue as something intentionally unpleasant, take a breath, and look at the situation from a different angle. Counsellor Carolyn Hextall explains that keeping a curious, open mindset can help you communicate calmly, and even prevent the situation from escalating when you do speak to your neighbour about the issues you’re facing.

Put your thoughts on paper Try writing down your grievance. This can help prepare you for the uncomfortable conversation, because it’ll help you articulate exactly why the issue needs to be addressed. Expressive writing is also shown to alleviate anxiety (as mentioned in a 2018 study published in the journal PLOS

One) allowing you to externalise and clarify your thoughts. “Get really clear on what you are upset about, and then ask to speak with your neighbour,” Carolyn says. Explain how the situation is causing an issue, and politely ask them to resolve it. And if speaking in person feels too intimidating, Carolyn suggests “writing a polite note and posting it through their door”, as a safer way to express the issues.

Keep composure If your neighbour becomes hostile when you try to communicate with them, Carolyn says: “Remember [psychiatrist and neurologist] Victor Frankl’s quote: ‘Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.’ And therein lies your power.” It’s easy to slip into a fight, flight, or freeze response when someone is being antagonistic towards you, but Carolyn recommends doing your best to stay calm, listen, and pause – so you can consciously choose how to respond. If they get angry and raise their voice, it doesn’t mean you need to match

their emotional pitch. Keeping your voice even and steady can encourage them to lower theirs. And remember: you are under no obligation to keep engaging with the conversation if you feel threatened. You can always walk away to protect your boundaries, taking time to clear your mind, and assess what you want to say, or do, next.

Escalating matters Sometimes, the situation just doesn’t get better, or starts to feel unsafe. Pay attention to that feeling. If your neighbour keeps targeting you, shouts, makes threats, damages your property, or makes you feel anxious in your

own home, you don’t have to put up with their behaviour. You also don’t have to handle the situation alone. For ongoing disturbances or harassment, you can contact your local council, or call the non-emergency police line in the UK on 101. It can also be worth documenting and making notes of any contact or incidents, along with the details and times, as a record to refer to if things do escalate. Additionally, you might want to reach out to your local community mediation service. Most councils have one, and they can help resolve community disputes and anti-social behaviour through free support via a neutral third party.

Carolyn Hextall is a certified psychotherapeutic counsellor specialising in transactional analysis counselling. Connect via the Counselling Directory.

And if you ever feel in immediate physical danger, don’t hesitate to call 999. There’s other support out there, too: Citizens Advice can walk you through your rights and offer advice for your specific situation; Neighbourhood Watch can offer guidance and community support; and if it’s all feeling too much, Samaritans (116 123) is always there to listen. happiful.com | Issue 106 | 29

Ask the experts Emotional labour

Coach Kate Kilby shares ways to recognise the mental load, ask for support, and keep your relationship balanced and connected Read more about Kate Kilby on the Life Coach Directory.

How can partners start recognising the invisible emotional labour in their relationship?

A compassionate way to recognise invisible emotional labour is to remember you’re on the same team. Framing the issue as ‘us vs the load’ rather than ‘me vs you’ shifts conversations

away from blame, and toward collaboration. Creating a shared list of everything that gets done – from meal planning to remembering birthdays – increases awareness and appreciation for the full mental load. Tools like Eve Rodsky’s ‘Fair Play’ system can support this, as they highlight the full cycle of tasks: conception, planning, and execution.

Balance this with curiosity about why things currently work the way they do. Differences in comfort levels, priorities, or standards can all shape patterns. Using phrases like “I’ve noticed that…” helps broach conversations gently. Open follow-up questions like “Why do you think that is?” can reveal assumptions or needs that lead to more equitable solutions.

When you’re ready to express your needs, Dr Becky Kennedy’s ‘Feeling, Need, Specific’ formula can make conversations clearer and kinder. By sharing feelings, naming the need, and offering specific requests, you invite collaboration rather than criticism, helping your partner understand how they can support you. E.g. “I feel overwhelmed, and I need more support with meal planning. Could you plan family dinners on Tuesdays and Thursdays?”

Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be dramatic. Clearly stating what you can and can’t take on reduces ambiguity, and helps your partner understand where they can step in and take ownership. As you work to rebalance the load, remember to reinforce each other’s efforts. Regular appreciation and simple thank yous build goodwill, and strengthen the sense of being supported and seen by one another.

If someone feels they’re carrying most of the emotional or mental load, how can they communicate their needs and set healthy boundaries?

Notice anger or frustration, then explore their signals. Ask: ‘What do I wish was happening instead, and what could help with that?’

Life Coach Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

How can partners check in with each other to keep things balanced, and prevent resentment from building?

How can someone work through feelings of guilt when asking their partner to share more of the emotional or domestic load?

Guilt is common for women who ask for more balance, and understanding the difference between guilt and ‘not-guilt’ can be transformative. True guilt shows up when we’ve gone against our values, or genuinely hurt someone; it can guide us toward repairing or acting differently next time. But much of what we call guilt is actually ‘not-guilt’; it’s the

discomfort that comes from taking responsibility for someone else’s inconvenience or feelings. E.g. if your partner reshuffles their diary so you can go to yoga, you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re simply honouring your own needs, whether that’s self-care, career time, or friendships. When ‘not-guilt’ arises while asking for more shared load, acknowledge the impact without absorbing the responsibility. A simple: “I know moving your meeting was inconvenient, and I really appreciate it,” maintains connection without self-blame. And each time you challenge that learned guilt reflex, recognise it as progress – not a failing.

Gentle, sustainable checkins can keep communication open, reinforce a sense of teamwork, and stop small frustrations from building into resentment. A simple weekly ritual works well; spend five minutes scanning the week ahead and asking: “What’s coming up? Where are our pinch points? Do we need to redistribute anything?” Shared calendars can support this by giving both partners visibility, and helping prevent clashes before they become stressful. Emotional check-ins matter, too. Try Brené Brown’s ‘capacity check’ – each partner rates their energy as a percentage. If one person is at 20% and the other is at 80%, the higher-capacity partner can lean in. If you’re both low, make choices that ease the load, for example, ordering a takeaway, simplifying plans, or lowering expectations. Adding a transition ritual can also help. Take turns sharing “How was your day?” or “What’s on your mind?” for a few uninterrupted minutes to feel supported. happiful.com | Issue 106 | 31

Spotlight on: sleepmaxxing It’s the wellness trend of the hour, but can you truly hack your sleep, or is this TikTok hit just another pipe dream? Writing | Samantha Redgrave Hogg

ptimising our wellbeing seems to be the idealised goal in modern life – another thing to achieve on top of juggling countless responsibilities and stresses. The thought alone can be exhausting, and, often, compounds the very problem it’s trying to address. So, with many of us struggling to drift off, it’s no wonder that ‘sleepmaxxing’ – a set of sleepy tricks to solve all your slumber woes – is a social media sensation. But, what is it exactly, and is it something we should be practising for that elusive north star of optimum sleep?

What is sleepmaxxing?

‘Sleepmaxxing’ is a term for maximising your sleep through various hacks. And, while seeking a better night’s sleep is nothing new, the concept relies on multiple angles and collated tips, focused on creating an optimised sleep schedule. The number of tips under this hashtag can feel a bit endless, but some of the most talked-about ones start with your morning routine: getting outside to enjoy the early sun to increase melatonin levels (a hormone that regulates our sleep); avoiding daytime napping; and refraining from hitting the snooze button. At night, tips include avoiding alcohol, caffeine, and heavy meals, eating fruits high in melatonin (such as kiwis), and even drinking a ‘sleepy girl mocktail’ (which contains cherry juice and magnesium powder). Plus, cultivating optimal bedroom conditions: going to bed at the 32 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

inspiring reads

same time every night, clean sheets, zero blue light, sleeping in a cool room, listening to white noise or a guided meditation, and even taping your mouth shut – to name a few! Some fans of the trend even claim that specific gadgets are beneficial, such as red light machines, and wearables that utilise sensors to score sleep. However, a 2023 study, published in the journal Frontiers in Psychiatry, found that while red LED lighting panels can improve sleep quantity for patients with insomnia, red light therapy can increase alertness and negative emotions before bed.

The science of sleep, and what works

So, the jury is still out on whether red light helps with sleep, as it is for some other tips. While kiwis are both good for us and high in serotonin (our ‘happy hormone’), which the body converts into melatonin, the one study, published in Nutrients, which suggests eating kiwis before bed can help you sleep longer, featured a very small sample (15 athlete participants), making it difficult to generalise the findings. Also, while there’s a lot of information championing nasal breathing, research into mouth taping is much more limited. However, we do know for sure that quality sleep is good for us, promoting cognitive and cardiovascular health, and that some of the sleepmaxxing tips, including the impact of daylight on sleep, do align positively with scientific findings.

For example, a 2021 study published in the Journal of Affective Disorders, involving more than 400,000 participants, found that increased daylight exposure improved mood and reduced tiredness. A recent 2025 study in BMC Public Health also found that morning sunlight, particularly, is linked to better sleep quality. So, the key takeaway is to investigate the substance of a sleepmaxxing tip, before you automatically trust it.

Are there downsides?

The good old-fashioned basics – like cutting back on stimulants, such as coffee, sleeping in a cool, dark room, and a good bedtime routine – are brilliant, researchbacked tips, but when we’re overwhelmed with countless boxes to check off before bed, we risk straying away from the instinct to listen to our bodies. There’s even a term known as orthosomnia, which describes an unhealthy preoccupation with ideal sleep, free of nighttime wakings or disturbances. However, as we sleep in cycles that last around 90 minutes, it’s natural to wake up at certain points throughout the night. Sleepmaxxing may then propel our pursuit of getting things ‘perfect’, which, ironically, can end up causing stress and negatively impacting sleep. The term itself can even feel jarring – borrowing the suffix from the earlier term of ‘looksmaxxing’, to ‘enhance’ physical aesthetics – prioritising the appearance of being devoted to your sleep, rather than the actual payoff of being well-rested.

5 easy sleep hacks 1. Reduce the melatonin-inhibiting impact of blue light at bedtime by charging devices in a different room, or reading a book. 2. Listen to a guided visualisation on a free app that works for you. 3. Repeat a bedtime affirmation in your mind, such as ‘Sleep finds me easily,’ ‘I am relaxing into stillness,’ or ‘I am deserving of deep relaxation.’ 4. Get outside by setting an alarm earlier to take a walk, or using part of your lunch break to wrap up warm and enjoy the fresh air. 5. Create a conducive sleep environment with a quiet, dark, and cool room – around 18°C is about right.

Finding balance with sleepmaxxing

There’s nothing wrong with investing in ourselves and looking for ways to feel rested – that’s something we all deserve. And, as discussed, many of the hacks are genuinely good for us, but it’s important to recognise that an obsession with ‘optimising’ wellbeing can create unnecessary pressure, and overcomplicate something that can be as simple as listening to ourselves. The trick is to let go of perfection and understand that some nights are better than others. Trying some of the tips, rather than feeling pressured to do all of them, may be more than enough. Perfect, in fact. Samantha Redgrave Hogg is the author of ‘Flow’ and co-creator of Aluna Moon on Insight Timer. Visit samantharedgrave.com for more. happiful.com | Issue 106 | 33

Flaring up

From type 1 diabetes to rheumatoid arthritis, autoimmune conditions affect around one in 10 of us, and can be difficult to live with. But how much of a role does stress play in these conditions, and how can we tackle it head on? Writing | Jenna Farmer

ur immune system is trained to attack viruses and bacteria, to help us bounce back from norovirus or fight the flu, but sometimes things go awry. Rather than fighting dangerous cells, the body’s immune system can get confused and mistakenly attack healthy tissues, and even organs, in the body instead. When this happens, it creates an autoimmune disease, and there’s a whole range of these, including: Crohn’s disease (where the immune system attacks the digestive system); multiple sclerosis (where the immune system attacks the myelin sheath, the protective covering of nerve fibres in our central nervous system); and psoriasis (where the immune system attacks healthy skin cells). There’s more than 80 different types of autoimmune disease, as noted by Bupa, and they vary in both symptoms and severity. While these might be separate conditions, research has tried to identify commonalities, since we know individuals who have one autoimmune

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disease are more likely to have another. In fact, a quarter of autoimmune disease patients have a tendency to develop new autoimmune diseases. So, could the connection be stress?

Does stress cause autoimmune disease?

Autoimmune diseases have many different causes (and, for some patients, the exact cause may not be known), but studies have shown that stress could be linked to their development. One 2023 study, published in International Immunopharmacology, found that chronic stress instigated rheumatoid arthritis and psoriasis, while another 2022 paper, in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, which was focused on Crohn’s disease patients, discovered that the higher the person’s stress levels, the greater the likelihood of their autoimmune disease flaring up and causing symptoms. It works the other way too, in that these conditions themselves cause us stress. “There is a bidirectional relationship between

stress and autoimmune diseases, in that stress has an impact on these illnesses, and, equally, this group of illnesses causes stress in affected individuals,” says Dr Victoria Froome, a therapist supporting adults and young people through life’s challenges. There’s scientific evidence to back this up, such as a study from the University of Cambridge and King’s College London, published in Rheumatology in 2023, which found that more than half of patients with autoimmune conditions experienced mental health conditions like anxiety and depression, and yet the majority are rarely, or never, asked about these symptoms. But why is this? “During periods of acute or chronic stress, the body releases higher levels of cortisol and adrenaline, which can dysregulate the immune system,” explains Dr Katie Barge, a chartered doctor of psychology. “In people with autoimmune conditions, this can exacerbate an already sensitive system, e.g. increased joint pain and fatigue in rheumatoid arthritis, or skin flare-ups of psoriasis.”

How to manage your stress levels

With the awareness of a possible connection between autoimmune flare-ups and stress, the important question then becomes: what can we do about it?

Work on regulating your nervous system

“I encourage people to focus on nervous system regulation as much as possible; these are simple, consistent practices that signal safety to the body,” psychologist Dr Katie Barge says. “This could include regular, gentle movement (like swimming and walking), or micropractices like grounding (keeping your feet on the floor, or noticing five things you can see, feel, or hear), or body scans.” >>>

Physical exercise not only reduces stress through cortisol levels, but increases the levels of endorphins happiful.com | Issue 106 | 35

Mind-body intervention

“The NHS advocates five steps to mental wellbeing. These are also known as ‘mind body interventions’ (MBIs), and include areas such as breathing exercises, physical exercise, learning new skills, giving to others, and connecting with others,” says Dr Froome. “There is evidence from trials in the UK that these MBIs can lead to reduced inflammatory markers, and increased anti-inflammatory markers, and, vitally, an improvement in wellbeing after only 12 weeks.”

Exercise

Ever felt less stressed after exercising? There’s a reason why. “Physical exercise not only reduces stress through cortisol levels, but increases the levels of endorphins – which are our natural feel-good hormones,” says Dr Froome. “And it doesn’t need to be high intensity exercise – walking, swimming, and yoga can all be beneficial.” Sometimes stress is unavoidable, but exercise can actually help the way we deal with it. Research from 2014 in Frontiers in Physiology even reports that regular exercise can make us more resistant to acute stress, and improve our ability to tackle it. Of course, we know exercise can help many other parts of our health too – a 2022 study in Lupus Science & Medicine, for example, found it can help with fatigue in those who have the autoimmune disease Lupus. 36 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

Eat to support your stress levels

Stress management isn’t just about movement, it can be what’s on your plate, too. Certain foods – such as proteins – can help us tackle stress. Our central nervous system needs the amino acids that can be found in protein foods, and a reduction of one of these, called tryptophan (found in foods like chicken, eggs, and cashews), has been found to increase anxiety levels, as noted in Nutrients in 2021. We also know that vitamin B12 can help with stress as it supports the nervous system, so tucking into foods rich in this vitamin (like nutritional yeast, fish, and dairy) can help. Finally, magnesium is also linked to stress; it’s involved in reactions that regulate the body’s stress response, and low magnesium is often observed in individuals with stress. You may not need to supplement though, as dark chocolate, nuts, and leafy greens are all great sources of magnesium. While tackling stress head on through exercise, diet, and mindbody interventions are great ideas, the relationship between stress and autoimmune disease isn’t the same for everybody. Although it can be an important underlying factor in autoimmune disease, there are others, so there’s no guarantee it will always stop a flare-up in its tracks. “The definitive causes of autoimmune diseases are multifactorial, with stress,

Dr Victoria Froome is a therapist supporting adults and young people through life’s challenges. Get in touch via the Counselling Directory.

although playing such an important role, being only one of these factors. Other triggers include environmental factors and genetic factors,” explains Dr Froome. If in doubt, it’s always important to speak to your GP or medical professional, who will provide you with the most up-to-date information on your autoimmune disease. Stress management remains important for all of us, and potentially even more so for those navigating autoimmune diseases and other conditions. And while seeking methods to address your stress might not be a magic solution to all that ails you, it can still offer some muchneeded relief – and that’s one less thing to worry about. Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease, and blogs at abalancedbelly.co.uk

Happiful recommends

From a botanical-inspired outdoor activity to a trivia game contributing towards the fight against world hunger, we’re sharing five wellbeing recommendations you won’t want to miss SQUARE EYES

Game of Wool: Britain’s Best Knitter Game of Wool is the cosy equivalent to The Great British Bake Off, replacing cakes with balls of yarn and knitting needles. Watch as 10 avid knitters compete to be crowned ‘Britain’s Best Knitter’, and do whatever it takes to win – even if it means spending hours creating crochet deckchairs, and iconic dog coats. (Available to watch on Channel 4)

PLUGGED-IN A View From a Bridge Wisdom can often be found in the most random of places, like on a bridge talking through a vintage landline. This is the foundation of the social media account ‘A View From a Bridge’, where people from all walks of life pick up the telephone to share their perspective about a topic, a lesson which has stuck with them, or a personal story. (Follow @aview.fromabridge on Instagram)

ACT OF KINDNESS Game to give back with Freerice Freerice is a vocabulary game that helps to feed people around the world who are struggling with food insecurity in the face of conflict, disasters, or climate change. Each correct answer generates ‘10 grains of rice’, which a sponsor then matches in payment donations, to help fund the World Food Programme. (Find out more at freerice.com)

TREAT YOURSELF Battle Green Natural Clay Face Masks Showing us how simple it can be to look after our skin, while caring for the planet, is a Welsh business providing eco-friendly alternatives to cosmetics and household products. Take your pick from five enriching face masks, each made from clay and plant powders, and packaged in compostable bags. (Battlegreen.co.uk, £27.95)

WIN A PACK OF FIVE CLAY FACE MASKS For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com Which is NOT an ingredient for a face mask? a) Rose b) Noodles c) Tumeric *Competition closes 28 February 2026. UK and Ireland entries only. Good luck!

OUT AND ABOUT Go shadow tracing On a bright, clear day, head to your local green space with a pencil and notebook, and give shadow tracing a go. Pick a botanical object, like a flower or hanging branch, to cast shadows on your piece of paper, and stencil around it. These create stunning minimalistic nature prints, which you can then paint and hang up at home. (Find tutorials on YouTube)

happiful.com | Issue 106 | 37

AT RE T R IBE R C BS U S LY H NT O M

You deserve a reward!

Happiful monthly rolling subscribers now receive thoughtfully crafted gifts at renewal milestones, meaning that committing to your wellbeing is truly rewarding – in more ways than one! • Enjoy guided journaling booklets, seeded affirmation cards, and beautifully designed notebooks – completely free! • Award-winning, psychotherapist-reviewed and approved content • Discover fascinating features, science-backed practical tips, inspiring stories, and expert advice • Print-exclusive guided journaling pages in each edition • You’re in control, so cancel any time And remember, the longer you subscribe, the more rewards you’ll receive. So roll with it, and enjoy the monthly delivery of positivity as a reminder to make some much-needed time for you.

Join today at shop.happiful.com 38 | Issue 106 24 96 | |happiful.com happiful.com*Happiful monthly rolling subscriber rewards are for UK (excluding NI) addressees only.

Reward items are subject to change, depending on stock levels. Terms and conditions apply.

wellbeing

The cyberbullying matrix Increasing incidents of cyberbullying are taking a serious toll on young people’s mental wellbeing. It’s time to hold platforms accountable for their role in fostering digital environments where abuse thrives – and here’s what we can do about it Writing | Maxine Ali

ith social media now a go-to outlet for self-expression and connection for so many people, it’s perhaps unsurprising that the impact of technologicallymediated bullying is increasingly widespread. In fact, one in six adolescents has experienced cyberbullying, according to a 2024 WHO/Europe study. The research, which examined forms of peer violence among youths across 44 countries and regions, found that exposure to online abuse and harassment now surpasses forms of in-school bullying – a consequence of the intensified digitalisation of young people’s everyday lives. Unlike offline bullying, which has been typically seen as a problem set in specific situations and activities, cyberbullying follows its victims home, invading their personal time and private space. It manifests as a continuous onslaught of alerts and notifications that can reach its victims anywhere. All forms of bullying have a severe emotional toll on their victims. However, the often relentless and inescapable

nature of online harassment can lead to magnified feelings of anxiety, depression, low selfesteem, heightened stress levels, loneliness, and isolation.

The current crack-down As part of ongoing efforts to address rising cases of cyberbullying, policymakers have called for schools to implement bans on the use of smartphones, aiming to restrict students’ exposure to harmful online content. Recent proposals plan to implement lockable phone pouch schemes, which will require students to secure their devices in magnetic pockets during the school day. However, current evidence suggests that these measures have little effect on changing young people’s online habits and behaviours. A study of 1,227 students across 30 different secondary schools across England, by researchers at the University of Birmingham, found that restricting smartphone access at school neither decreased overall device and social media use, nor improved student’s mental wellbeing.

Importantly, as researchers at the London School of Economics argued in a 2024 post, framing smartphone bans as a ‘silver bullet’ that will prevent the negative impact of social media on young people “lets the profithungry tech sector off the hook”. Instead, policymakers should be demanding action from the platforms enabling the spread of online abuse.

Hate by design While it’s true that many people can find community, connection, and creative outlets through social media, this does appear to be only one side of the story. Recent events have shone a damning light on how hate and hostility are baked into the business models of many online platforms. Driven by an attention economy that profits most from emotionally provocative content, outrage and animosity have become the internet’s most valuable currency. Algorithms contribute to this by rewarding users for creating and sharing content that triggers strong reactions, by maximising their visibility. Within this system, toxicity becomes a deliberate >>> happiful.com | Issue 106 | 39

What is cyberbullying? ‘Cyberbullying’ refers to intentionally hurtful behaviour carried out using digital devices. It can include: • Sending unkind or abusive messages or comments. • Sharing images or videos with the aim of causing shame or embarrassment to the victim. • Spreading rumours and false information about an individual. • Creating hate sites or groups targeting a person. • Using digital channels to encourage someone to harm themselves or avoid getting the help they need.

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strategy, weaponised for the sole aim of baiting others into reacting, responding to, and boosting the overall reach of harmful content. With immediacy and reactivity embedded in the design and functionality of online platforms, gone are the days of holding your tongue if you’ve got nothing nice to say. Epitomised by the rise of ‘stitch culture’ on TikTok, users are incentivised to shame, and belittle one another on a public stage, turning bullying behaviour into a form of entertainment. These features have created a digital landscape where abuse and harassment are increasingly normalised. For young people who engage with online platforms dayto-day, these behaviours can seem acceptable, and even, sometimes, socially commendable. The anonymity enabled by social media also allows individuals to share hurtful content without consequence or repercussion. Meanwhile, for victims of online bullying and harassment, the uncertainty of not knowing who their abuser is can lead to a loss of trust in the people around them, making it more difficult to seek support or pursue accountability.

removing policies against sharing hateful content. This reflects a longstanding pattern of neglect when it comes to protecting platform users. In 2023, research from the Center for Countering Digital Hate (CCDH) found that X (formerly Twitter) failed to act on 99% of reported hateful tweets from users promoting neo-Nazi, antisemitic, racist, and anti-LGBT hate, despite the messages clearly violating the platform’s own policies. Similarly, a 2022 report on #HiddenHate by CCDH (which analysed 8,700+ messages sent to women with a collective 4.8 million followers), revealed that Meta failed to act on 90% of abusive direct messages sent via Instagram.

For victims, the uncertainty of not knowing who their abuser is can lead to a loss of trust in the people around them

The problem of platform inaction

Calling for platform accountability

Platforms have continuously failed to put an end to online abuse, placing their financial interests above the safety and wellbeing of users. Rather than taking steps to curb harmful behaviour, it could be argued that some social media giants have actively contributed to hostile online environments by cutting moderation teams, and

While it’s easy to feel powerless against the influence of social media platforms, we can still take meaningful actions to challenge the culture of cyberbullying they’ve helped create – whether that’s for your own sake, someone you know, or simply for the hope of a more harmonious social media landscape for future generations.

1) Write to policymakers

To tackle abusive online environments, effective change begins with legislation and policy. Email your local MP to voice your support for stronger legislation that holds platforms accountable, and makes user safety a priority.

2) Report abuse consistently

Although we know that platforms routinely fall short when it comes to addressing online harassment, it is still important to report abuse when you see it. These reports generate valuable data that can be used later to pressure technology companies into implementing better safeguards for users.

3) Support advocacy groups

Join or support campaign groups dedicated to holding platforms accountable, such as the CCDH, as well as charities like the NSPCC and YoungMinds, whose advocacy includes promoting safer online spaces for young people.

4) Share resources with victims

If you know someone who’s been a target of cyberbullying, let them know they’re not alone. Organisations like YoungMinds and the NSPCC offer guidance through their sites, as well as signposting to relevant helplines that provide specialist support for children and adolescents, parents, and carers. Maxine Ali is a writer and researcher in linguistics at King’s College London. Her work explores the relationship between language, health, and technology. happiful.com | Issue 106 | 41

ANXIETY ON YOUR MIND

Luke’s week

Welcome to Anxiety on Your Mind, the series where we explore the reality of living with anxiety. In this edition, Luke Clark, 36, from Milton Keynes, shares his story… Writing | Luke Clark as told to Fiona Fletcher Reid

nxiety tends to impact me most when I’m juggling too many plates at once – work deadlines, parenting, recording my podcast, and the pressure I place on myself to keep it all together. It’s often the anticipation that spikes it more than the actual event, so, this week I’m being proactive and focusing on giving myself permission to slow down, by taking some annual leave away from my day job in order to rest. Using up my holiday allowance specifically to take care of myself feels strange initially, but I’m trying to lean into it. I start the morning with a slow breakfast with my oneyear-old daughter, taking my time with cooking, eating, and chatting with her instead of rushing. Later, I go for a jog around the local lake to make the most of my time off, although I often prefer running in the morning, because it sets the tone for the rest of my day. Somehow, the days where I’ve worked off all that anxious energy early just seem to flow more easily. It seems such a striking contrast to where I was just a few years

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ago. Back then, drinking was my way of coping with anxiety, after having experienced a trauma incident. The turning point came around Christmas 2020, after a night out where I drank far too much and blacked out. I realised then that I couldn’t carry on down the path I was on. The idea of getting sober was anxiety-inducing in itself – especially as drinking feels so deeply ingrained in every social situation – but I also knew I couldn’t keep numbing my emotions. Sobriety has given me clarity, and forced me to feel things honestly, which has been really hard, but, ultimately, has led me to feel less anxious and more balanced in every area of my life. It also nudged me into therapy, which has taught me so many of the tools I use today to manage my moods. Social anxiety is really common when you’re sober. So many events and occasions, even just hanging out with a mate, come with the expectation of having a few pints. So I’ve had to learn a lot of tricks and techniques to

manage the anxiety around it. I’ll often take the lead and suggest activities that get us out of the pub – like bouldering or live music – or I’ll use breathing techniques to help me stay grounded in the moment. I still experience anxiety, but I recover quicker, and with far more compassion for myself. I don’t pile on shame the way I used to, which is a huge positive shift for me. My toolkit is quite varied, and includes running, journaling, switching my phone off, and spending time in water. Some days I just can’t seem to settle, like on Wednesday, so I take myself to the cinema. It’s one of the few places where my mind fully switches off, because my phone is hidden away, the lights are low, and everything is still. Even with all the tools I have now, some days are just hard. The tight chest kicks in, the restless energy takes over, and suddenly I’m racing through work, and life, without stopping to breathe. Channelling that energy into open-water swimming is amazing for me, because I find it instantly

ANXIETY ON YOUR MIND

Follow Luke on Instagram @stresssessions and stream ‘The Stress Sessions’ on all major podcast platforms.

grounds me, and brings me back into my body. But jumping into a freezing cold lake isn’t for everyone. That’s the thing about recovery – it has to be personalised. You don’t need to overhaul your routine or meditate for an hour a day if that’s not realistic for you. Start small. One tiny act of self-care – drinking more water, taking your medication, reaching out to someone you trust – really does make a difference. Over time, those small steps add up. They build your confidence, regulate your nervous system, and change how you see yourself. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s the importance of being proactive. Don’t wait until you’re overwhelmed to slow down, and don’t bottle things up, because saying things out loud takes some of the power away. Also, I want people to know that they don’t need to be ‘bad enough’ to deserve support – being human is enough. Slowing down has been the greatest gift sobriety has given me. What started as survival has become a way of living. Instead of rushing through breakfast with my family, I’m fully present. And that intentional shift hasn’t just improved my own wellbeing – it’s had a ripple effect on the people I love, too. happiful.com | Issue 106 | 43

poetry is painting that speaks Plutarch

Photography | Brett Sayles

Painting is silent poetry, and

wellbeing

In a slump? Good posture isn’t just about appearances and confidence; it’s about how you breathe, move, and carry yourself through the day. Here’s how to rediscover your alignment Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

caught sight of myself in a cafe window the other day, hunched over my phone, neck bent, shoulders creeping up towards my ears. After nearly 10 hours working on screens all day (and an evening with more screens ahead of me), my posture was just about the last thing on my mind. As I straightened up, and felt that part satisfying, part worrying, symphony of cracks stretching down my spine, it hit me how easily ‘bad posture’ can sneak into our day-to-day lives – and I began to wonder how good it could feel to shake it off.

Why does our posture slip? As with many things in life, we don’t mean to let it slip. Small, everyday habits can lead to bad posture; from using our phones slouched over on the sofa to working from our kitchen tables, finishing off ‘just one more

email’, we don’t mean to hunch over, or spend too long sitting in one place. Over time, little things can become habits. And those little habits? They can have a lasting impact on our bodies in ways we might not realise. “Poor posture does more than cause muscle aches or stiffness. It can also affect your breathing, mood, and energy levels,” Urvisha Lunagariya, an advanced physiotherapist, explains, detailing the long-reaching effects of poor posture. “When we slouch, our chest cavity becomes compressed, which limits oxygen intake, and often leads to shallow breathing. Over time, this can make you feel tired, anxious, or even emotionally low. Physically, bad posture can cause neck, back, and shoulder pain, tension headaches, and even numbness or tingling if nerves become compressed.” >>> happiful.com | Issue 106 | 45

The benefits of good posture Good posture is even better for us – physically, mentally, and emotionally – than we might realise. It can help to reduce pain, improve breathing, and enhance digestion, all while boosting our energy levels, and helping us sleep better. Studies have even found that good posture can also help us to feel more relaxed and less anxious, with one, published in Health Psychologies in 2015, noting that ‘upright participants’ reported improved self-esteem, positive mood, and reduced negative mood when compared to those with ‘slumped posture’. But, knowing why good posture matters and actually feeling the benefits yourself can be different matters entirely. That’s where the simple idea of posture walking comes in.

Posture walking It might sound like ‘just another wellness trend’ to add to the list, but posture walking (a type of mindful walking) can be a simple way to reduce strain on our joints and muscles, alleviate back and neck pain, and reinforce good posture habits. Essentially, posture walking involves walking with a deliberate, upright alignment. Keep your head, shoulders, and hips in a straight line, relax your shoulders, engage your core, 46 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

Posture is not just about standing straight. It is a habit that affects almost everything you do and look straight ahead while swinging your arms freely. “When it comes to walking, posture makes a big difference in how efficiently your body moves. Many people don’t even realise that they lean forward, round their shoulders, or tense up their neck without even noticing,” Urvisha explains. “As a physiotherapist, I often tell my patients to think ‘tall but relaxed’. Imagine a string gently lifting the top of your head upward. Keep your shoulders back and loose, your chin slightly tucked (not pushed forward), and let your arms move naturally at your sides. Your steps should feel light and even. If your footsteps sound heavy, it might mean your core or hips are not engaging properly.” Being more mindful of how we walk can help us to be more aware of other areas where our posture may be, unbeknownst to us, causing us more discomfort. So, what small things can we start to change to help increase our awareness of our bad habits, and start improving our posture?

Improving your posture, one day at a time You don’t have to overhaul your whole life to start seeing the benefits of better posture. It’s like building any other new daily habit; little reminders, small changes, and a bit of patience (and self-compassion) can go a long way. According to Urvisha: “Posture is not just about standing straight. It is a habit that affects almost everything you do.” And because little changes add up, Urvisha recommends the following simple, yet effective, tips to start improving your posture: When sitting at your desk: keep your feet flat on the floor, support your lower back, and relax your shoulders. When using your phone: bring the screen up to eye level, instead of bending your neck down. When driving: adjust your seat so your back is fully supported, and you are not leaning toward the steering wheel.

wellbeing

When standing in line or brushing your teeth: gently engage your core and lengthen your spine, rather than locking your knees or slouching.

Good posture can be learned As I write this, I have to remind myself not to sit curled up like a shrimp, hunched over my keyboard, occasionally craning my neck to look at a second, toohigh screen, showing a growing backlog of emails. I can’t help but wonder: are some people born with naturally good posture? Or is it one of those skills we’re supposed to learn along the way that I completely missed? “Some people naturally have good alignment, because they have strong muscles and good body awareness. However, for most of us, especially with how

much time we spend looking at screens, good posture is something we need to relearn and practice,” Urvisha reassures me. “Our muscles adapt to the positions we stay in most of the time. If we sit slouched or lean forward daily, that becomes our ‘normal’. The positive side is that posture can always be improved with consistent awareness, strengthening, and stretching. “I often tell my patients, ‘Your posture reflects your habits, not your genetics.’ With mindful movement, core and back strengthening, and regular posture check-ins throughout the day, you can train your body to find its natural alignment again.” It’s reassuring to know I can improve my posture with a few consistent habit changes. I know I’ll probably still spend too long at my laptop, and end most days

scrunched into a ball, but at least now I’ll start to notice it. And on days when I do catch sight of myself reflected back in a cafe window, I can remember to stand tall, unclench my shoulders, and bring my phone up to eye level. Good posture isn’t about perfection; it’s about awareness. Even if I forget a dozen times a day (which I will), each small stretch and mindful moment is a little act of self-care in motion.

Urvisha Lunagariya is a physiotherapist specialising in both musculoskeletal and neurological rehabilitation. Discover more information on the Therapy Directory. happiful.com | Issue 106 | 47

6 ADHD time management techniques that actually work If you’re watching the hours slip away, as your to-do list grows in size, try out these ADHD-specific strategies to make the most of the time you have Writing | Sarah Haselwood

f you’re always missing deadlines or struggling to squeeze in all your life admin, you’ve probably tried lots of time management techniques. But if you have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), traditional approaches probably won’t work because, more often than not, they’re designed for neurotypical brains. And because people with ADHD often have trouble with decisionmaking, attention, and impulse control, traditional approaches can leave you feeling defeated, instead of productive. Time management coach Alice Dartnell, who has ADHD herself, has a refreshing take on this:

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Illustration | Rosan Magar

“ADHD time management battles aren’t really about time, but about the brain, dopamine, and our wiring.” So, instead of trying to force yourself to adopt a system that wasn’t made with you in mind, here’s how to work with your uniquely wired brain, instead of against it.

Instead, Alice suggests focusing on and choosing three tasks, then prioritising and completing them before setting the next three. She adds that as you tick each task off the list, you’ll get an encouraging boost of dopamine to motivate you to move on to the next three tasks.

Simple rule of three

Many people with ADHD struggle to figure out the best order to do things, which can contribute to the common experience of feeling overwhelmed. To combat this, Alice suggests using the ABC method to prioritise. Grab your task list, and divide the items into: A) urgent and important;

Prior to being diagnosed with ADHD, Alice admits she relied on long task lists that regularly sent her into fight-or-flight. This is particularly problematic for ADHD brains, because the stress response impacts decisionmaking and problem-solving for those who already struggle with executive function.

ABC tasks

positive pointers

B) important, but not urgent; and C) to-do, but not essential. This system is a quick and simple way to intentionally direct focus, and reduce the chance of being easily distracted by less important tasks.

Use visuals Research from 2020, published in Neuropsychology, suggests that working memory can be impaired for those with ADHD, which can impact time management when forgotten tasks pile up. However, studies also show strong correlations between seeing and remembering, so visual aids can act as effective reminders of what needs to be done. This could be a wipeable whiteboard where you write your ABC list for the week, a wall planner that maps out your goals for the year, or a brightly coloured sticky note on the bathroom mirror about that email you keep forgetting to reply to.

Flexible ‘when/then’ time blocking While calendar time blocking is a helpful way to visually carve out space in your day for particular tasks, creating a rigid schedule won’t work for many ADHDers, who tend to resist routine.

To address this, Alice suggests starting with short, 60-minute blocks, while also factoring in regular breaks. Transitioning from one task to another can be challenging for an ADHD brain, because abrupt changes are difficult. Therefore, buffer activities between tasks can help (e.g. taking a walk). One method is to set an intention of ‘when/then’ for tasks. By setting a ‘when’ deadline for a task (e.g. I need to collect my prescription by 4pm), and something ‘then’ to look forward to afterwards (e.g. then I’ll go to the park), it creates a goal you’ll be motivated to work towards.

Managing SOS Shiny object syndrome (SOS) is when people get easily distracted by new ideas. For those with ADHD, there may be a tendency to jump to other tasks, resulting in a lack of progress. Alice says: “You have to distinguish the difference between distractions versus creative ideas and energy.” She suggests stopping and pausing to see whether it’s genuinely something worth pursuing, or simply boredom in action. When you get the impulse to suddenly switch tasks as a new idea arises, keep a notepad or

Work with your uniquely wired brain, not against it spreadsheet that you can quickly add to as an ongoing ‘ideas’ list. Then, set aside time to explore these at a later date.

Energy-based scheduling Alice believes that one of the key things about managing your time is simply being more aware of your energy levels: “I’m a big believer in protecting your energy in a way that works for you,” she explains. In practical terms, this might mean accepting that you may have the time to do something, but not necessarily the capacity. “People have one pot of energy. So, if you have a busy work week, maybe don’t plan much for the weekend,” says Alice. Over time, you’ll realise that you’re not failing at managing your time, you’ve just been using a system that wasn’t designed with your brain in mind. So, let go of it, and explore other ways that work for you – and you might just find that time is on your side after all. happiful.com | Issue 106 | 49

Start the day right Kick-start your morning with this fibre-fuelled granola Writing | Daisy Brooks

ibre plays a vital role in our health, but many of us aren’t getting enough – only about 4% of UK adults meet the recommended 30g daily. Granola can be a great way to start your morning with a fibre-rich boost, but shop-bought versions are often pricey and packed with sugar. This homemade granola, however, is not only full of fibre, but also rich in nutrients, plant points, healthy fats, and protein. It’s quick and easy to make, and is so delicious that it has become a favourite among my clients, friends, and family. I’ve been making this fibre-rich granola for years, and I hope it becomes an enjoyable part of your day, too.

food & health

The healthy bit

• Preheat the oven to 180°C, 160°C fan. • Spread the ingredients across a large baking tray, giving them a quick mix (don’t worry if the coconut oil is still solid), and place in the oven. • After about 5 minutes, the coconut oil will have melted. Remove from the oven and give everything a good stir. • Return to the oven and bake for a further 30 minutes, stirring halfway through. • Once baked, remove from the oven and leave to cool. Crumble to your preferred cluster size, and transfer to an air-tight container.

Fibre deserves far more attention. It’s essential for a happy gut, steady energy, and balanced hormones. The nuts, seeds, oats, coconut, and buckwheat in this recipe provide a variety of fibres to keep you fuller for longer, slow the release of sugar into your bloodstream (reducing energy dips and cravings), and support healthy digestion by helping to prevent constipation. This granola is also a fantastic source of soluble fibre; this attracts water to form a gel-like substance in the digestive tract, binding to fatty acids and supporting healthy cholesterol metabolism. Research from the British and American Gut Project shows that eating 30+ different plants each week is linked to a healthier gut. Every type of nut and seed in this recipe – along with the spices – counts toward your weekly plant points. I like using pumpkin, sesame, and sunflower seeds with walnuts and hazelnuts, combined with the cinnamon, ginger and oats – that’s eight already! Serve your granola with fruit for an extra boost of fibre and nutrients. At this time of year, frozen berries or rhubarb work particularly well. Coconut oil brings added benefits. It’s rich in medium-chain triglycerides (MCTs), which can support mental clarity, metabolism, and appetite regulation. This recipe tastes delicious without added sugar, but you can stir in a little honey or maple syrup for a sweeter finish. Honey – especially when minimally processed, and sourced from small producers – also offers minerals and antioxidants. For other easy ways to increase your fibre intake, try filling half your plate with two or three different vegetables (and some fruit) at each meal. Adding nuts, beans, or lentils to dishes, and keeping a jar of mixed seeds on the table to sprinkle over meals, can also make a big difference. A word of caution: if your current diet is low in fibre, increase your intake gradually, and drink plenty of water – most people need two litres a day. If you have irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) or other digestive issues, it’s best to work with a registered nutritional therapist to identify underlying causes, as adding fibre too quickly can sometimes worsen symptoms.

Optional: Serve with plain yoghurt (or vegan alternative), and seasonal fruit or frozen berries.

Daisy Brooks is a registered naturopathic nutritional therapist, specialising in helping find the root cause of symptoms. Find out more on the Nutritionist Resource.

• Gluten-free • Vegan optio n • Suitable for children MAKES 6–8 SERVINGS

Ingredients • 3 tbsp coconut oil • 2 tbsp honey or maple syrup (vegan) • 1 cup mixed seeds • 1½ cups mixed nuts • 1 cup unsweetened coconut flakes and/or buckwheat • 1 cup whole oats • 1 tsp cinnamon • ½ tsp ginger

Method

happiful.com | Issue 106 | 51

12 morning affirmations Take your pick of these motivational mantras, and start your day with some positive intent

There are no mistakes, only lessons to be learned

Today, I will rise to any challenge and revel in new paths to explore

I choose progress, not perfection

I deserve to take up space, and to be heard I inhale courage, and exhale fear

My mind and body are speaking to me, and I will listen

This day is mine to shape I let go of the things I cannot control I’m a magnet for opportunities

I am the main character, and this is my story to write 52 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

My potential is unlimited

There’s no challenge I cannot overcome

inspiring reads

When anger is

silenced There are a myriad of reasons why rage goes unprocessed, but what are the consequences? Here, we’re exploring the hidden impact of suppressed emotion, particularly on women’s wellbeing Writing | Rebekah Crilly

’ve never made much room for anger in my life – perhaps you can relate. I characterised it as something negative; a human weakness that could only lead to hurt. I’d bite my lip when I felt frustration build. I’d boil internally, while smiling through gritted teeth. I’d mutter to myself crossly how no one cared. I felt denied, but my internal narrative said that suppressing anger was the better path. As research evolves, however, we’re beginning to see a connection between the suppression of anger and physical sickness – and overwhelmingly so in women. In fact, when women suppressed their emotions, they appeared to be at greater risk of developing autoimmune disease, with a 2020 study in Cureus indicating that 80% of people with autoimmune conditions are women.

This begs the questions: what prevents women from being able to assert their aggression in a healthy way, and how can they begin to do this in order to support their wellbeing?

Why do women feel unable to express anger?

When we begin to understand where anger comes from, it can help us to normalise our experience of it. Psychodynamic therapist Laura Patterson says: “The best way of viewing our emotions is to look at the contained word ‘motion’, which indicates that our emotions are always moving us to do something. “This is nature’s way of guiding us to properly process, and let go of, anything troublesome; so that we do not experience psychological or psychosomatic disturbance.”

Anger forms an integral part of our emotional experience. According to therapist, and host of ‘The Feminist Mom’ podcast, Erin Spahr: “Anger is, at its core, a response to a sense of injustice or a violation of boundaries. “For women, this can stem from the unique burdens placed on us – often feeling overworked, unsupported, or unseen in our roles.” In this sense, anger does not exist in a vacuum. “One must always remember that hurt and anger are two sides of the same coin,” says Laura, “and hurt that is not expressed and processed productively results in anger.” So, where did this disconnect between feeling and expression come from? Laura believes women have denied themselves the right to anger because of cultural expectations: “Anger >>> happiful.com | Issue 106 | 53

is most commonly associated with being a masculine emotion, which renders many women incapable of expressing it; societal and cultural pressures inform them it is not ‘appropriate’ to do so. Women have resultantly been forced to place their anger in the shadows.” But just as anger isn’t ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’, it is not gender-based. “It is not that one sex is any angrier than the other,” explains somatic and vocal release coach Ani Djirdjirian. “It’s about society’s expectations. Both men and women need the freedom to express all of their emotions. When we deny anger, we deny ourselves the chance to heal, grow, and connect authentically.” 54 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

Suppression and sickness

While research in this area continues, a growing body of evidence suggests that suppressing emotions, including anger, may have significant physiological consequences. One study, published in JAMA, found that people with stress-related disorders, like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), had a significantly higher risk of developing autoimmune disease. Notably, women are more likely to suffer from PTSD, at an estimated ratio of 2:1, according to the National Center for PTSD. Research also suggests that women are at higher risk of suffering from a number of conditions, including chronic

pain, insomnia, fibromyalgia, irritable bowel syndrome, and migraines. A 2021 study, in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine, revealed that women of colour who strongly agreed with statements like “I rarely express my anger” were 70% more likely to experience carotid atherosclerosis – a cardiovascular plaque that can lead to heart attack. In correlation, self-silencing (suppressing your own thoughts, feelings, or needs to avoid conflict) has been found to be a contributor to a number of physical and mental health conditions. Dr Ketan Parmar, a senior psychiatrist with more than 30 years of clinical experience, says: “Many of the women I treat

inspiring reads

carry an emotional load they were never taught to unpack. It slowly builds expectations, unvoiced frustrations, caregiving fatigue, and it doesn’t explode; it internalises. Over time, the immune system starts responding as if it’s under constant threat.” Erin has also observed this in the therapy room: “I can’t tell you how many women I’ve worked with who are navigating burnout, autoimmune symptoms, and chronic health issues – often in their 30s and 40s, right at the intersection of caregiving, career demands, and societal pressure to keep it all together.”

If you’re in the same boat, here are tips to safety express rage:

A path to expression

Laura encourages us to explore where in the body our anger is felt. “Some may recognise anger in the chest area – this anger wants to rise and be heard. Productive expression could include shouting and yelling in an empty room, into a pillow, or out the car window. “Anger felt in the arms will want to lash out. Expression could include throwing something into empty space, a punching bag in the gym, or pushing an exercise ball against a wall.”

There has, however, been a rising movement in recent years with topics such as ‘female rage’ trending on TikTok, where women are openly sharing their anger – in a safe and healthy way. As Ani Djirdjirian explains, “Female rage is especially potent right now, because women have been told for centuries to suffer silently with a smile. They are now realising just how much anger they carry, and are finding ways to channel it.”

Know surface rage from buried anger

For surface rage (readily accessible anger), Ani suggests high-energy activities like kickboxing, screaming into a pillow, or dancing to loud music. “For deeper, buried anger, slower practices like yoga, breathwork, or singing softly can create a sense of nervous system safety, before exploring the intensity of rage. My clients often find a mix of these approaches most effective.”

Find the source

Many women carry an emotional load they were never taught to unpack Create something meaningful

Erin recommends making art, whether through painting, drawing, writing, or music. “Journaling, in particular, can help you explore what your anger is saying, clarify its root cause, and brainstorm potential actions you can take.”

Reach out for support

Talking to a therapist provides a safe space to process and work through anger. Therapy can help you unpack its origins, navigate its intensity, and develop tools to express it constructively in your relationships and your life. For many women – including myself – expressing anger does not come easily. That does not imply that it is something unnatural, or to be feared, but rather serves as an indication that something has been stirred within us that requires reflection and release. To continue to bury these feelings might not only lead to a stifled sense of self, but, as research shows, could play a role in making us sick. happiful.com | Issue 106 | 55

Taking out the trash Fly-tipping is more than just an eyesore – it’s toxic, expensive, and completely avoidable. Here’s your action plan to keep your local spaces clear… Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

ou’re walking along the scenic path to your local park, looking forward to some fresh air and soaking up the birdsong drifting on the breeze – only to be faced with the sight of a dumped sofa, black bags spilling rubbish, and an abandoned fridge. Fly-tipping like this can ruin peaceful moments in nature, but more than that, it creates dangerous obstructions, harms

56 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

the environment, and wastes taxpayer money. The good news is that there is plenty you can do about flytipping, and your actions really do make a difference.

What is fly-tipping? Fly-tipping is the illegal dumping of waste on unlicensed land – typically larger items like mattresses, appliances, construction rubble, or vehicles –

but unlike a moment of careless or accidental littering, it’s usually a deliberate choice made in order to avoid the financial cost of proper disposal. The impact goes beyond the immediate eyesore. Plastic items break down into microplastics over centuries, seeping into soil and waterways, while fridges leak chemical coolants into the land. Construction waste may contain asbestos, and electronics can

positive pointers

By taking action – however small – you’re actively protecting your local wildlife, landscapes, and community leak toxic substances. Not only do these chemicals poison the habitats that local wildlife depend on, but animals can mistake manmade fragments for food, causing injury and death. In 2023/24, local authorities in England dealt with more than a million fly-tipping incidents – a 6% increase from the previous year. The largest incidents alone – those involving tipper lorry loads or more – cost councils £13.1 million to clear. That’s money that could be spent on our communities through better parks, services, and support.

What can we do about fly-tipping? Witnessing the consequences of fly-tipping in your community can be frustrating – especially when it becomes a repeated occurrence – but there are some practical steps you can take to minimise the impact. Report it quickly The fastest way to tackle flytipping is to report it to your local council as soon as you spot it. Most councils have apps or online forms that you can fill out in just a few minutes, and the quicker it’s reported, the faster it can be cleared, minimising the damage it causes to the environment. Your report also helps councils identify hotspots and fly-tipping patterns, allowing them to take action to prevent it happening again.

Join community clear-ups Community litter-picking groups are popping up across the UK, and many now tackle fly-tipping sites, too. These events can be surprisingly enjoyable; there’s real satisfaction in seeing a space transformed, and you’ll meet neighbours with shared values. Check local Facebook groups to find initiatives, or consider starting one of your own. Plus, many councils will provide equipment, and collect the bags you’ve filled. Share information, not shame If you notice fly-tipping happening, note details like vehicle descriptions, registration numbers, or times of day, and report them to your council or the police. However, never put yourself or others in danger by confronting someone fly-tipping. Consider your own waste disposal choices Be wary of suspiciously cheap waste removal, because, unfortunately, if it sounds too good to be true, there’s a solid chance they’re likely fly-tipping. You can check that any waste carrier you use is properly licensed via the Environment Agency website (search via gov. uk), or, explore donation options in your local area, as many communities have furniture banks and repair cafés that give items a second life.

Spread awareness Many people genuinely don’t know that councils offer bulky waste collection services (often for a small fee), or that local recycling centres accept most items for free. Share this information warmly, by talking to friends and neighbours about disposal options, putting up posters in communal spaces, or sharing information within local Facebook groups. Keep on caring It’s easy to feel disheartened when you encounter flytipping, but the very fact that it upsets you shows you care about your community and environment, and that can be a powerful force for change. Every time you report flytipping, you help councils understand the scale of the problem, and action a solution. Every community clean-up you take part in removes harmful toxins from our environment, and shows you that others care as much as you. Every single conversation about disposal options has the potential to prevent future problems. By taking action – however small – you’re actively protecting your local wildlife, landscapes, and community. You’re also setting an example that continues to ripple outward, encouraging others to care, too. happiful.com | Issue 106 | 57

How to make someone feel validated Who doesn’t long to feel seen and understood? But validating others can actually feel challenging – especially when we all have a unique perspective. Here, we explore how to validate others, even when we disagree Writing | Samantha Redgrave Hogg

magine this: your friend is telling you about a difficult communication issue they’re having with their boss – what’s your reaction? Do you leap to your friend’s defence, jump in to fix the situation with a plan or two, or, perhaps, see it from the boss’s point of view? None of the options are necessarily ‘bad’ choices, but there might be a healthier way to be helpful when someone tells you how they feel.

What does it mean to validate someone? Validating someone is about being there for that person in the moment, and showing a willingness to recognise their emotional experience – even if it’s different to yours. Take the friend/boss conflict, for example. Validating them might be expressed as: “It seems like your workload is excessive, and it’s leaving you feeling overwhelmed, as well as unappreciated by your boss, and overlooked by the company. I can see why you’d feel upset.” By saying this, you’ve set aside your feelings and subjectivity, 58 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

given them your full attention without judgement, gently summarised how they feel, and accepted their emotional response – relaying that you get it, and, most importantly, that you care.

Point taken Feeling heard ultimately helps us feel wanted, recognised, and as if we belong. It’s this sense of closeness that fosters safety and trust in our relationships. This was backed in a study, in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, which found that the feeling of being understood activates parts of the brain associated with reward and social bonding – notably the ventral striatum – showing that validation can create a sense of connection. What’s more, validating others is a skill you can develop over time, even if it doesn’t feel instinctive to you at first. But say the conflict directly involves you – what then? Validation in this context is trickier to practise, and something many of us, understandably, struggle with.

However, it’s important to remember that you can validate someone without necessarily upholding their views.

Steps to validate, not agree Let’s get even more specific. Say you’ve been feeling exhausted lately, and although you don’t care much for parties, your partner has agreed that you’ll both attend one this weekend, without giving you much notice. This leads to an argument, where you feel neglected, while your partner is frustrated. While it’s easy to let things fester, including some validation responses in your discussions can, ultimately, cultivate deeper satisfaction in your relationship. You might even find your partner becoming less defensive as a result. Try these five steps: 1. Be mindful of your body language, including maintaining eye contact and an open posture. 2. Recognise their emotional experience by listening without judgement or blaming, or jumping in with opinions.

Note: In certain situations, validation might not be suitable as a relationship-building or mutual growth strategy, e.g. in cases of narcissistic behaviour or narcissistic personality disorder.

3. Acknowledge their core intention, by affirming their inherent character or strength. 4. Confirm your boundary with calmness and clarity, setting a consequence if appropriate. 5. Stay curious and encourage taking action together, without forcing the situation. As an example: “I hear you. I can tell this party is important to you, and you love socialising. Your charisma was what initially attracted me to you! However, this party is beyond my comfort zone, especially on short notice. It might not seem like a big deal, but, to me, it is. I would’ve preferred it if you’d checked with me first, and I expect that next time. What resolution can we reach here?” It’s possible to validate someone while holding them accountable, and this approach can be applied in many everyday situations,

including tricky professional or personal – and even, political – conversations.

Validating your child’s feelings Accepting your child’s feelings, no matter how big they are or how small the problem seems, will help them feel understood, just as you might do in your adult relationships. “I can see why you feel sad/disrespected/angry” goes a long way with kids, and helps them develop the ability to label their emotions later in life. The ‘helped, heard, or hugged’ communication framework for young people, as discussed in a 2023 New York Times article, has become a popular phrase used to let someone choose what support they need – practical help, space to vent, or comfort – emphasising the importance of pausing instead of offering a quick fix.

What to avoid when validating someone Validating someone involves listening empathetically by using non-verbal cues, such as eye contact and nodding, acknowledging their feelings with empathy, and paraphrasing or reflecting the experience. Avoid apologies like “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which may come across as backhanded or empty, as well as telling someone how they should feel. Validation isn’t a perfect process. But by making an effort to ensure someone feels heard, you begin to build bridges that allow you to meet, with compassion, in a new area of understanding. Samantha Redgrave Hogg is the author of ‘Flow: Self-care sessions for your menstrual, lunar, life, and seasonal cycles’. Visit samantharedgrave.com for more. happiful.com | Issue 106 | 59

Furry friendships

Meet the organisation connecting millions of people in community spaces, schools, and hospitals with the comforting companionship of animals – setting tails wagging and brightening lives along the way Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

“

uby would work all day if she could,” says Jenny, talking about her eightyear-old pet cairnoodle dog, whose presence brings joy to people in hospitals, care homes, schools, and community spaces. “She absolutely loves it, and has a knack for finding the people who need her most.” The enthusiastic pooch has been ‘volunteering’ with Pets as Therapy (PAT) since 2018 – a nonprofit organisation that facilitated 160,000+ visits last year, connecting more than 1.6 million people with the soothing benefits of animal companionship. Founded in 1983 by Lesley Scott-Ordish, a dog owner and passionate volunteer who understood the bond between humans and animals, the charity now boasts nearly 6,000 volunteer cat and dog owners, who take their pets out on the road to brighten the days of people in need. It seems that instinctively, humans have always known that animals have healing abilities. Long before modern therapy became talked about openly, people understood that spending time with animals could ease

60 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

emotional pain, and bring comfort during difficult times, with the first recorded use of animals as formal mental health treatment dated around the 1700s. Fast forward to today, and animalassisted therapy has become a recognised and valued part of treatment for all sorts of people, including those with autism or facing mental health challenges, from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and schizophrenia to Alzheimer’s disease. But with therapy options often hard to access due to limited resources and financial barriers, PAT is filling the gap by sending its fullyvetted animals, and owners, out into the community to meet people when they need them most. Spending time with a furry friend is particularly helpful to patients who are in long-term care. “We know that spending time in the company of a friendly dog can bring about a host of psychological benefits, especially for anyone who has spent a long time away from home, and is missing a family pet,” says CEO Steven Wibberley. “Visits also reduce stress and anxiety, and can aid a person’s recovery and rehabilitation.”

But it’s more than just a momentarily respite from illhealth. One 2024 study, published in JMIRx Med, collated research on the impact of animal assisted therapy on patient wellbeing, and found that those with psychiatric disorders saw improved social functioning and quality of life, while specifically highlighting positive outcomes for patients with neurological conditions and PTSD. The research also found that animals had the power to reduce the anxiety of children in hospital, as well as improve both mood and emotions for not just patients, but staff as well. PAT makes the most of this impact on younger people with their ‘Read2Dogs’ programme, which introduces animals to classrooms to support better learning. “We see, time and again, how reading with a friendly, non-judgemental pet can boost a child’s literacy, self-esteem, concentration, and even support behavioural development,” says Steven. “The presence of a calm, attentive animal creates a safe space for young people to grow.” It’s the wellbeing benefits that spurred Ruby’s owner Jenny to sign up as a volunteer with PAT.

Photography | Christopher James Hall/Pets As Therapy

COMMUNITY CORNER

y Volunteer Jenn

by with her dog Ru

Find out more at petsastherapy.org “After a lifetime of hidden mental health issues, and my recovery journey over the last 10 years, Ruby and I are huge advocates for openness around autism and mental health,” says Jenny. “I hid my difficulties from the world for 50 years, and now, Ruby and I want to challenge the negativity surrounding mental health. PAT has had such a positive impact on my life after losing a career that meant so much to me.” Like many of the pets that go out and about in the community, Ruby’s visits often create moments of magic. In a local school, she encouraged a young boy, who was shy, to read aloud in class. In a care home, Ruby and Jenny formed a deep bond with a resident who rarely left his room, bringing him companionship and conversation for more than two years.

“Ruby has given me purpose, focus, and something meaningful to do. In my former careers as a police officer and teacher, I felt I was making a difference. Volunteering with Ruby gives me that same feeling,” says Jenny. With requests for visits across the country, Pets as Therapy admits that it is currently struggling to meet demand, and requires more volunteers. “At the moment, requests for our visits outstrip the supply of volunteers by around 2:1. We simply don’t have enough volunteers to visit all of the hospitals, schools, and care homes that want dogs and cats to visit them,” says Steven. “That’s why we’re calling on more volunteers to step forward – so we can meet growing demand, and ensure more people benefit from these transformative visits.”

If you’re interested in taking part, you can apply online. You’ll need to share some details about you and your pet, including up-todate vaccination certificates and two references. You’ll then meet a PAT assessor who will chat to you and check your pet’s suitability, to ensure the safety of everyone involved, including your pet. Jenny’s story shows how volunteering with the PAT team benefits not just the people and communities visited, but also the volunteers and their dogs as well. She encourages anyone considering it to take the step: “Our visits do me good, too. It’s given me back a sense of purpose, and Ruby has an incredible ability to bring comfort to others. If you’re wondering if you and your dog could do it, I’d say give it a try – it could change lives.” happiful.com | Issue 106 | 61

Mastering mental blocks Advice and tools to help overcome emotional or mental blocks, and get yourself back on track

rom that familiar feeling of struggling for the word that’s on the tip of your tongue, to decision paralysis, writer’s block, or persistent procrastination, many of us will have faced mental and emotional ‘blocks’ over the years. In the moment, it can feel like hitting an invisible wall that you just can’t break through. It halts you in your tracks, leaving you confused and stuck – but why does it appear, and what can you do to overcome it?

these higher-level functions, and create an involuntary block. Many people experiencing a block will say: “But I don’t feel anxious.” This can make the loss of fluidity or control even harder to understand. Whether the challenge appears in speaking, writing, competing, problemsolving, or creative expression, the root cause is often the same: the brain has activated the fight-orflight response automatically, often without conscious awareness. Two of the main triggers are:

Why do we develop mental blocks?

1. Fight-or-flight activation due to a perceived threat.

A mental or emotional block is essentially a stress-response issue, triggered by the brain’s primitive survival system – this is where instinctive reactions and unhelpful behavioural patterns are generated. As extraordinary as the human brain is, its survival mechanisms have not evolved at the same pace as the areas responsible for fine motor skills, creativity, rational thought, and emotional regulation. When the survival system switches on unnecessarily, it can override 62 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

Imagine walking down a street and seeing a lion. You wouldn’t stop to analyse the situation; you would run. That instinctive reaction ensured our ancestors’ survival. The challenge today is that the brain can trigger the same response to situations that are not dangerous: public speaking; taking a shot that ‘matters’; making decisions; or even simply being observed. In those moments, the primitive brain reacts as though your safety is at risk, and performance becomes disrupted.

CHRIS O’CONNOR HPD DSFH MAfSFH MNCH (Reg) NCH (Reg)

Chris O’Connor is an experienced clinical hypnotherapist, who has helped hundreds improve their lives through hypnotherapy. Get in touch via the Hypnotherapy Directory.

2. A build-up of unprocessed negative thoughts.

Over time, negative thoughts or worries that have not been processed properly can accumulate, pushing the brain into a heightened state of stress. These thoughts may include: dreading performing in front of others; fear of failure or judgement; worries about personal or everyday pressures; internal expectations to ‘get it right’. These thoughts, even if subtle, can overload the emotional system, and lead to an involuntary block. But while these blocks can feel sudden, confusing, and deeply frustrating, it’s worth keeping in mind that they are not permanent. With a solutionfocused, neuroscience-based approach, it is entirely possible to remove them, and return

EXPERT COLUMN an hour of trance can simulate several hours of REM-like processing, helping the brain rebalance and reduce stress. Over a few weeks, this can lower anxiety enough for the block to dissolve naturally. However, long-term change requires more than just reducing stress. High anxiety often stems from accumulated negative thoughts, unprocessed emotions, and worries about past, present, or future experiences.

‘We are a product of our thoughts’

to performing naturally and confidently.

Why does the brain struggle to process thoughts properly?

A major factor in emotional processing is sleep, particularly the rapid eye movement (REM) stage. REM sleep, which is responsible for dreaming, is the brain’s natural mechanism for sorting, processing, and resolving emotional material, accounting for about 20% of total sleep. If REM sleep becomes disrupted, the brain may struggle to process thoughts effectively. Some signs of this include: • Not remembering dreams*. • Difficulty falling asleep.

• Waking during the night with a racing mind. • Feeling tired, despite a full night’s sleep. When REM processes break down and stress levels rise, the brain can become stuck in fight, flight, or freeze mode. In this state, the primitive brain dominates, making fluid, skilled performance far more difficult.

Breaking the loop

Restoring healthy REM sleep and lowering overall anxiety levels is essential to breaking the cycle of a mental or emotional block. Hypnosis can be a powerful tool for achieving this. Just half

Negative thoughts are stored in the subconscious mind – the same mind that governs automatic behaviours, movements, habits, and emotional responses. The subconscious accounts for around 95% of brain activity. Through hypnosis and solution-focused brief therapy, it is possible to address various issues, including quietening the primitive brain, processing stored or unhelpful thoughts, restoring natural confidence, replacing negative patterns with positive ones, and harnessing neuroplasticity to rewire emotional and behavioural responses. By lowering anxiety and retraining the brain, a mental or emotional performance block can be removed entirely, allowing you to return to performing at your very best. *Everyone dreams. A lack of dream recall is often linked to being in a state of high-functioning anxiety, where the brain is too overwhelmed to form accessible dream memories. happiful.com | Issue 106 | 63

The AM advantage If you’ve tried positive affirmations to boost your mood, but failed to stick to the habit, we’re here to share the science of why using them in the morning might be worth the hype Writing | Rebekah Crilly

ornings used to be tricky for me. I felt the weight of the duvet, and longed to stay under it. The first thoughts that almost always popped into my head were around the long list of to-dos that awaited me, and I felt instantly overwhelmed. But rather than dwelling on the ‘can’ts’ and ‘won’ts’, I wondered if there was a way I could challenge those thoughts. Could I rewire those familiar pathways to paint the day ahead in a new light – that I could, and that I will? Most of us have heard of the practice of self-affirmations. Some might immediately write them off as fluff, while others recite them for a time before giving up. But could harnessing the power of the morning be key to the commitment and success of our affirmations?

What are affirmations and how do they work?

Dr Sophie Mort, registered clinical psychologist and author of (Un)Stuck: 5 Steps to Break Bad 64 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

Habits and Get Out of Your Own Way, describes affirmations as: “Short, purposeful statements we repeat to reinforce a desired belief, behaviour, or way of relating to ourselves and the world around us.” Research in self-affirmation theory, such as a 2015 paper in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, shows that affirming personally meaningful values or beliefs can reduce stress responses, buffer against threats to self-esteem, and support adaptive coping strategies. Importantly, they provide a counter to the negative self-talk that most of us engage in on a regular basis. Neuroscientist Dr Ramon Velazquez explains: “Although affirmations can sometimes feel a bit performative, what’s happening neurologically is pretty fascinating. When we repeat phrases, we’re engaging the brain’s working memory systems, particularly in the prefrontal cortex. “This part of the brain, along with the anterior cingulate and parts of the basal ganglia, helps coordinate

attention and behavioural regulation. So, if someone is repeating a self-affirming statement, what they are doing is redirecting attention to a specific narrative and reinforcing it.” When repeated over time, this starts to shift our default thought pattern to a new way of thinking.

First thing’s first

One way to increase your chances of making affirmations stick is to leverage the specific factors at play in the morning. But what exactly is it that makes early affirmations so effective? Firstly, mornings tend to have more of a set routine than other parts of the day. For your average person, there’s a general flow that takes them from their bed to the front door, which creates an opportunity for ‘habit stacking’ – a concept that relies on the brain’s tendency to combine actions and respond to external cues. E.g. you might use the kettle boiling for your morning coffee as a ‘cue’ for your new affirmation practice.

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Seeking inspiration? Try our morning affirmations on p52

Energetic boost

With habits, motivation is key. Mornings are a particular sweet spot if we consider how our cognitive energy declines as the day goes on – which is particularly relevant when developing an affirmation practice. If we’re experiencing cognitive fatigue, it’ll be harder to engage in proactive tasks that are perhaps seen as more negotiable, and require an increased level of awareness.

Early morning brain chemistry

While, intuitively, there is something seemingly potent about

the early morning hours – Dr Mort compares it to “a freshly opened notebook without any of the clutter” – there is research which indicates that our brain might literally be ‘clearest’ at this time, as one study (published in 2013 in Science) showed that sleep helps to restore the brain by flushing out neurotoxins that accumulate during the day. It seems we’re also perhaps more primed for positivity first

thing. A time-of-day analysis of mental health and wellbeing from nearly one million observations showed that we do actually feel our best in the morning – the ideal backdrop for engaging in any kind of positive self-talk. >>> happiful.com | Issue 106 | 65

because it directly influences motivation and attention.” By tactfully engaging in positive self-talk while dopamine is higher, there is also the knockon effect of experiencing the biological reward for thinking those thoughts – this then strengthens the new neural pathways associated with the affirmation, making it more automatic.

Waves of positivity

This, in part, is likely to be attributable to the influx of chemicals we experience as we wake up. “During that first 30–45 minutes after waking” explains Dr Velazquez, “when cortisol is at its peak, the brain is in a unique state of heightened arousal and readiness. It plays a crucial role in mobilising energy, and sharpening alertness. If you use that window to anchor a positive cognitive pattern, such as selfaffirmations, it may land more effectively.” He adds: “There’s also this interplay with dopamine and catecholamine sensitivity that seems more favourable in the morning, which is important 66 | Issue 106 | happiful.com

Another biological factor to take advantage of during the early morning is brain waves. In the morning, your brain naturally transitions from theta waves (dreamy state) to alpha waves (calm, relaxed wakefulness). Both of these states – particularly theta – can support how well we absorb affirmations. The theta state has been shown to be effective for hypnosis, and a 2024 paper, published in the journal Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, notes that increased theta power during cognitive tasks is associated with better performance.

Practical steps

“When crafted and timed well, affirmations can engage the brain’s learning systems, and genuinely shift our internal narratives,” says Dr Mort. In order to make the most of the morning window, there are a few things that might help...

Create cues James Clear, famed for his work on habit formation, talks about the importance of a habit loop – which includes cues such as time, location, and preceding event. Deciding where an affirmation practice might fit into your morning routine, and adhering to it using cues, can make all the difference when it comes to making it stick.

Schedule reminders Relying on memory when developing new habits is not always, understandably, the most reliable approach. That’s why visual stimuli – such as a journal by your bed to jot down your affirmations, written notes on your wall, or a daily reminder on your phone – might prove particularly helpful.

Relate to the day ahead “Affirmations should be emotionally honest,” says Dr Mort. If there’s a particular friction you experience in the morning – whether that might be anxiety or low mood, for example – using the affirmations as an opportunity to challenge those specific worries for the day ahead can act as a subtle, but direct, response to what you are struggling with. Now, rather than a sluggish start after hitting snooze too many times, I begin the day with positive affirmations – and, in turn, positive intent. Perhaps, building this habit into the start of your day could be the dawning of a new era of enlightenment and empowerment for you, too.

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