Happiful Issue 90

DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

missing The

Homesickness can be about more than just a place

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ISSUE 90 £5.99

DepressionVS functional freeze A trauma-informed therapist breaks down the difference

Hold your head high

The emotional impact of hair loss (& how to handle it)

MAGNESIUM MIRACLES

Science-backed benefits of this super supplement

Mum’s the word Why are so many women unsure whether they want kids? * *BACK FOR 2025

A poetic masterclass Top tips for ry entering our poet competition

DISABILITY DIAGNOSIS | BREATHWORK | CREATIVE COURAGE

The song is ended but the melody lingers on Irving Berlin

Seasons of change

“Can’t repeat the past? Why, of course you can!” Gatsby emphatically tells narrator Nick in the classic novel, The Great Gatsby.

It’s a heartfelt desire many of us may relate to. That desperation to recreate a moment, a memory, a feeling. We believe that if we can just return to a certain place, and retrace our steps, everything will be as it was.

Sometimes we cling to this enduring dream because of the challenges, pain, or heartbreak we’ve faced since. We hope that getting back to a place that meant so much to us will help erase all that hurt or struggle, even if only for a moment. That we’ll feel just as we did before...

But the problem is, we’re not who we were before. The people we meet, experiences we share, traumatic moments we live through, newfound insight we discover, all these things shape us. You’re not the same person.

Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge

The Welsh concept of Hiraeth captures this melancholy longing for a piece of the past that’s lost, and how heartbreaking that can be to come to terms with (p17). But for anyone stuck in this quagmire of yearning, there is a path forward, as our expert illuminates.

And for those adjusting to life-changing surgery, as detailed in our feature on p80, or coming to terms with a disability diagnosis and its ongoing impact on your life (p28), know that as arduous a journey as you are on, there are ways to feel like yourself again.

For many people, that longing or lost feeling can also relate to the paralysis of choice, where the insurmountable fear of regret versus missing out keeps you frozen in ambivalence, as in our expert-written feature exploring the quandary of motherhood for modern generations (p49).

This issue hones in on so many of those moments where we feel torn, adrift, or swept along in a current we have no control over. But let it be your beacon guiding you back to a place of safety and comfort. Whatever challenge, whatever adaption you’re dealing with, you don’t have to face it alone.

And while you’re in that period of adjustment, getting to grips with who you are now and facing new or unforeseen hardships, know that one day something will slot into place. You might not revisit a place in time, but you’ll find yourself spellbound by a new season in your life.

Happy reading,

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges

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REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

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Deep thinking 17 A longing for home How the Welsh concept of ‘hiraeth’ captures this common experience

25 Do you have FOSO? How to combat a fear of switching off and learn to truly relax

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46 The Happiful Poetry Prize Our hugely popular prize returns. Will this be your year to shine?

53 What is functional freeze?

And how is it different to depression?

73 The impact of hair loss We talk to men and women who have been affected

Positive pointers 22 Eco encyclopedia 61 Free thinking What can adopting a more flexible mindset do for your wellbeing?

64 Bring the outdoors in How to enjoy nature when you work indoors all day

Culture 7 Good news

83 The authentic ‘you’

11 The wellbeing wrap

Discover your true values and desires with these journaling pages

66 New things to do

Food & health

77 Books you have to read

15 5 benefits of magnesium

Try this at home

40 An unhealthy relationship How to spot the signs of a problematic relationship with food

58 Spice up your autumn 69 Discover culinary’ zone out’ How cooking can bring you calm

34 Breathe out the stress 52 Bite-sized breaks 68 Can you crack the code?

72 Blackberry banana bread

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Happiful

R EG U LA R S

20 Creative corner How to find the courage to share your creative work

30 Ask the experts Top tips for dealing with dyslexia

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32 Money on your mind Lisa shares her journey out of debt, and handy money hacks

36 Myths, debunked What’s the reality of suicide?

42 Michelle Elman

28

Why going no-contact with an ex might be essential

56 Expert column Don’t underestimate the power of moral support

Wellbeing 28 What comes next?

How to deal with a disability diagnosis

78 Overcoming school anxiety How to support young people

80 The surgery fall-out Even when it’s life-saving, navigating life after surgery can be a challenge

Relationships 12 Middle child syndrome How does birth order affect us?

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Expert review

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

The responsibilities of life are consistently present, and sometimes we may fall into a trap of remaining rigid and fixed with them, as this helps us feel in control. This can bring the risk of becoming too rigid as a human being, and being less open to the unknown and new experiences.

It closes doors on your energy.

P61 explores how you can find flexibility in your lifestyle, enabling you to flow with the rhythm of life without being held back by self-imposed limitations. By creating flex, you are opening yourself to new possibilities.

RAV SEKHON

44 Tips for bed-sharing

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49 The great baby debate We explore the concept of motherhood ambivalence

BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist specialising in spirituality and working with males.

Happiful Community Meet the team of experts providing guidance and insight throughout this issue CARRIE HELMAN DipCouns MBACP MCMA

KATE HASKELL DipCouns MNCPS

Carrie is a psychotherapeutic gestalt counsellor.

Kate is a person-centred therapist based in Devon.

NIKITA THAKRAR

JAKE FREEDMAN

NLP

MSc RegBPC MBACP

Nikita is a multifaceted teacher, mentor, and coach, supporting people to find their life purpose.

Jake is a psychodynamic psychotherapist interested in the effects of relational trauma.

TAMARA JUDGE

HELEN HADDEN

BSc MSc PGCE EMCC IPPA

Tamara is a positive psychology coach, mentor, and trainer.

ANNABEL SMITH BA MSc PGCE ADTC ACC

BA BSc MA PGDip BPC TSP MBACP

Helen is a psychodynamic and EMDR psychotherapist working in the NHS and privately.

LISA BRUTON

BA MA AdvDip Cert UKCP MBACP

Annabel is a certified coach helping people who want change.

Lisa is a psychotherapist, clinical supervisor, trainer, and tutor at Oxford University.

JUSTINE SHEEDY

DR AISHA TARIQ

MSc LI CBT PGDip MBACP

BA (Hons) DClinPsy HCPC

Justine is a psychotherapist who’s worked across the NHS, Mind, and Cardiff University.

Aisha is a clinical psychologist specialising in anxiety and trauma.

HANNAH BECKETT-PRATT

PHOEBE CLAUSENSTERNWALD

BSc FdA MBACP

Hannah is a relational transactional analysis counsellor.

Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Kate Norris | Content Creator & Writer Becky Banham | Content & Marketing Officer Michelle Elman, Nikita Thakrar | Columnists Ellen Lees | Head of Content Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator & Videographer

COMMUNICATIONS Alice Greedus | PR Manager Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator

CONTRIBUTORS Fiona Fletcher Reid, Caroline Butterwick, Holly Treacy-West, Lydia Wilkins, Kerry Law, Lisa Maynard-Atem, Claudia Dumond, Elizabeth Bennett, Hannah Beckett-Pratt, Katie Evans, Jo Dunbar, Lara Green, Jenna Farmer

SPECIAL THANKS

BSc DipCBT-L5 DipCouns MBACP

Phoebe is a counsellor and grief educator supporting families.

MANAGEMENT

PIA-MARI POWELL

Katie is a trauma-informed integrative therapist specialising in gender, sexuality, and abuse.

Pia is a person-centred counsellor and holistic therapist working in York and online.

DAWN HOSMER

LINZI LITTLEFORD

Dawn is a person-centred psychotherapeutic counsellor.

Linzi is a counsellor who uses a psychodynamic approach.

CPCAB DipCouns Cert UCL MBACP

EDITORIAL

Lisa Bruton, Jake Freedman, Annabel Smith, Kirsten McKenzie, Tamara Judge, Dr Aisha Tariq, Camilla Fadel, Phoebe Clausen-Sternwald, Kate Haskell, Pia-Mari Powell, Helen Hadden, Justine Sheedy, Hannah Beckett-Pratt, Katie Evans, Hilary Abbott, Dr Claire Price, Dawn Hosmer, Linzi Littleford, Carrie Helman

KATIE EVANS

BA (Hons) DipPsych MBACP

Our team

BA DipCouns MFHT MBACP

MA PGDip MBACP

Amy-Jean Burns | Chief Executive Officer Claire Vince | Chief Operations Officer

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CONTACT Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building B, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY

CAMILLA FADEL

DR CLAIRE PRICE

Camilla is a relationship and psychosexual therapist, educator, and coach.

Claire is a clinical psychologist specialising in anxiety, trauma, and all-round wellbeing.

KIRSTEN MCKENZIE

HILARY ABBOTT

Kirsten is an author and counsellor with a special interest in using creativity in therapy.

Hilary is a nutrition and health coach specialising in whole foods.

BMBS BSc DipClEd PGCert RegCOSRT MBACP

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The Uplift CHARITY

Courtesy of the London Taxi Drivers' Charity for Children

London taxi drivers unite for a special cause Not all superheroes wear capes – some drive London taxi cabs…

For 96 years, the London Taxi Drivers’ Charity for Children (LTCFC) has become known for organising annual outings for children who have special needs, and who come from disadvantaged backgrounds, with the help of volunteer London licensed taxi drivers.

The charity began out of the kindness of one taxi driver’s heart, Mick Cohen, who recruited a number of other drivers to help organise fun day trips, and to raise money for the orphanage he grew up in. From there, an annual tradition was born, and the number of volunteers supporting struggling families grew each year.

On one of their most recent outings, 50 volunteer drivers from the charity came together to take more than 120 children to Hertfordshire Zoo for a fun-filled day of visiting the animals. And, to

add to the magical experience, each family were assigned their own decorated taxi, which drove in convoy all the way there.

Sheila, a teacher from one of the primary schools that was invited to attend the trip, said: “The drivers were so warm and welcoming to the children. One particular stand-out memory

from the day was a child who had never been in a black taxi before, and was in awe of the whole experience.”

“We earn our living through the public, so it’s nice to give a little bit back,” an LTCFC volunteer said.

To learn more about the London Taxi Drivers’ Charity for Children, visit ltcfc.org.uk Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird happiful.com | Issue 90 | 7

8 | Issue 90 | happiful.com

NATURE

Half of Brits use house plants to improve wellbeing Could a little greenery in your home help to boost your mood and improve your wellbeing? According to a new survey, conducted by Feather & Black, more than half of us think so!

Survey results revealed that 54% of us use house plants to help improve our sense of wellbeing, with nearly a third (32%) of us owning between three and five house plants.

Furthermore, 47% of people said they wanted to incorporate nature into their homes for mindfulness, while 38% said they incorporated house plants for aesthetic reasons. Other popular reasons for keeping house plants were revealed to include air purification (29%) and to boost mood (25%).

“There are numerous studies suggesting that plants have multiple health benefits, and our study’s findings add weight to the importance of incorporating house plants into interior design,” Laura Burnett, from Feather & Black, said. “Seeing that such a significant proportion of the population uses house plants to improve wellbeing, and even boost their mood, will hopefully encourage people to expand their greenery collection.’’

Studies have shown that keeping plants indoors can help improve air quality, decrease stress levels, and improve our moods. House plants have been found to even help keep blood pressure low and increase productivity. So, if you find yourself in need of a little mood boost, consider getting yourself a little something green to brighten up your home.

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford happiful.com | Issue 90 | 9

IDENTITY

What’s in a name? A lot, says a new study!

What does a ‘Natalie’ look like? How about ‘Tom’? Or ‘Noam’? A new study has found that there may be a link between people’s appearance and their names.

In a study in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, researchers asked children and adults to match faces to names. They found both the children and adults correctly matched adult faces to the real names. But participants were less accurate when trying to match children’s faces to their names.

Researchers then went on to feed a machine-learning system with a large database of photos of human faces. The computer was also able to match the adult faces with their names, though similarly struggled when it came to doing the same for children.

What the researchers concluded was that the connection between a person’s face and their name was the result of a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’. They believed that our facial appearance changes over a

long period of time to line up with social stereotypes associated with our names. Considering the source of these stereotypes, the researchers say these can be formed in many different ways – including names linked to famous figures, or names with biblical connotations.

Reflecting on these findings, researchers say that these results will help us better understand the extent to which personal factors, such as our names, greatly shape the people we grow up to be.

DEPRESSION

Food and exercise could be as good as therapy for mild depression According to research from the Food and Mood Centre at Deakin University, in Australia, lifestyle therapy – including nutritional counselling and physical activity – could be just as good as traditional psychotherapy when it comes to reducing ‘non-severe’ depression.

Researchers randomly assigned either lifestyle therapy or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to 182 people with mild to moderate depression. Lifestyle therapy sessions were delivered by a dietitian and an exercise physiologist, who offered evidencebased advice about daily exercise and improving nutrition, with a modified Mediterranean diet.

The other group received CBT, delivered by two psychologists, 10 | Issue 90 | happiful.com

which involved methods to manage unhelpful thoughts and behaviours. They were also given workbooks and self-soothing products.

The two types of therapies were matched in terms of frequency, length, setting, and group sizes.

At the end of the study period, it was found that the lifestyle participants experienced a 42% reduction in their depressive symptoms, whereas those who had traditional psychotherapy experienced a 37% reduction.

While the study was fairly small, and so further research is needed to explore these links, the researchers point to the fact that lifestyle modifications are the cornerstone of other areas of

medicine, such as cardiology and endocrinology, while they have traditionally been seen as ‘add-on’ to mental health care.

The researchers also made the point that the study is not suggesting that people seeking mental health care should be sent to self-manage with just lifestyle changes. Instead, in an ideal scenario, access to both forms of care would be accessible for all.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

The

wellbeing wrap

A LAUGHING MATTER

Looking to broaden research and be inclusive is no joke, which is why Aberystwyth University is investigating how older couples Brit Alfie use humour in relationships, and Hewett won the Wimbledon its impact on wellbeing. Want wheelchair singles to support? They are looking final, as well as for more couples, where both the wheelchair doubles with partners are aged 60+ – email Gordon Reid heh40@aber.ac.uk to get in touch!

Sowing seeds of kindness Who doesn’t love receiving flowers? A project by the Nateby and Wharton Women’s Institute (WI) looked to surprise those in need of cheering up by leaving 30 bunches of flowers around Kirkby Stephen in Cumbria, in aid of Loneliness Awareness Week. Sponsored by the town’s local SPAR shop, the flowers were left on benches around town to remind people feeling lonely that someone was thinking of them. Organisers told the community to spread the word to anyone sad, alone, or grieving that the flowers were for them.

At-home healthcare on the horizon

The Flow Country – blanket bogs in Scotland – has been given world heritage status in recognition of the 4,000 sq km of land that supports diverse habitats

With only 68% of women aged 25–64 attending their cervical screening in 2022–23, according to NHS England’s annual report, finding ways to ensure the process is comfortable and accessible is vital. So, a new wand device, developed by Teal Health and designers IDEO, offers a promising alternative to invasive testing.

The device, which allows people to comfortably collect a sample from their own vagina at home, is looking to get an accelerated path to the general public, having been granted Breakthrough Device status by the US Food and Drug Administration, and 97% of testers for Teal Health saying it was ‘easy or very easy’ to use.

BARKING UP THE RIGHT TREE Reports suggest pickleball is the new go-to sport for corporate woo-ing rather than golf, thanks to being efficient, affordable, and easy to master

We all know that plant life is vital in the fight against climate change, but a new study from the University of Birmingham highlights just how powerful a tool trees could be. The research, published in Nature, revealed that microbes living in tree bark absorb as much methane from our atmosphere as those in soil!

Copenhagen, Denmark’s capital, has launched a new campaign to encourage tourists Jamie Chadwick, to travel more sustainably. from Britain, will be ‘Copenpay’ will reward tourists the first woman in 13 years to test who choose public transport and bikes, over taxis or cars, for a full-time with things like free coffee and seat in IndyCar later this year museum tickets.

New discoveries

A study in the Lancet has revealed that almost half of all cases of dementia could be prevented or delayed, with 27 of the world’s leading experts in the field highlighting 14 risk factors. These include two new ones noted in the report – high low-density lipoprotein (‘bad’ cholesterol) from age 40, and untreated vision loss in later life.

Taking action to address these, and the other 12 risk factors, sooner than later, could be our greatest tool in fighting this disease.

Tax news you will want to hear...

Progress has been made towards a ‘global billionaire’s tax’, following a G20 meeting of finance leaders in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

Commissioning economist Gabriel Zucman suggests that by taxing the 3,000 billionaires across the globe 2%, this scheme would generate £196 billion each year!

Rapper Flava Flav has signed a five-year sponsorship deal with the USA water polo women’s and men’s national teams, after learning that many of the athletes work second and third jobs to make ends meet. The musician has been coined the official ‘hype man’ of the teams, with his investment helping to bring attention to the sport, as well as helping the team members with financial outgoings such as their nutrition, and travel expenses.

ECO PAWS-ITIVITY An inventive scheme by Railway Land Wildlife Trust in Lewes, Susex, looks to help nature thrive, while setting tails wagging.

Inspired by the activity of wolves roaming back in the day, the project is fitting dogs with special backpacks that sprinkle wildflower seeds while they enjoy sniffing out and about on their daily walks.

What is middle child syndrome?

Birth order bias or middle children breaking the mould? It’s time to put a spotlight on family dynamics and stereotypes Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

H

ave you heard the stereotype that all middle children are shy, well-behaved, people-pleasers?

They’re not the oldest, who usually lead the way, nor the youngest, who can be spoiled as ‘the baby’ of the family. The middle child – so the theory goes – is starved of attention, learns to be hyper-independent, and bears the responsibility of peacemaker between siblings. It’s not considered a mental illness or a condition, simply a theory, and one that comes with decades of conflicting research.

Birth order theory

Middle child syndrome is best understood within the wider context of birth order theory. In the 1900s, Austrian psychotherapist Alfred Adler theorised that the order in which children are born into a family significantly influences their personality and development.

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Adler defined five clear roles in relation to his theory – the firstborn, secondborn, middle child, youngest, and only child – each with its own set of experiences that shape a person’s characteristics.

How much truth is in the theory?

Birth order theory has its fair share of sceptics. Despite the large number of studies on the topic, other variables (which we’ll explore further) influence selfdevelopment and personality far more consistently. Additionally, as highlighted in the Encyclopedia of Evolutionary Psychological Science, patterns shown in many studies tend to not be replicable or consistent from study to study, making results inconsistent and unreliable.

And the ‘lore’ around what it means to be a middle child may be fuelled by unsubstantiated tropes. Counsellor and

psychotherapist Lisa Bruton explains: “Individuals, families, and communities can all internalise narratives around middle children and how they are likely to be – responsible, wellbehaved, overlooked, possibly over-responsible – and this can impact how they treat middle children, or indeed the behaviour they expect from them.

“Equally, middle children themselves can internalise these expectations, and either conform to or rebel against them and, of course, this might affect their self-image or behaviour. For instance, they might feel satisfaction if they are conforming to them, or find these expectations constricting, or feel guilt if they do not conform to them.”

Perceived versus actual birth order

Importantly, ‘perceived birth order’, a key concept pointed

relationships

out by Adler himself, suggests that how a person views their position in the family is more influential than their actual birth order. This psychological perception can be affected by various things such as disabilities, deaths in the family, large age gaps between siblings, and gender dynamics, as noted in an article by Kathleen E Marano in Aletheia: The Alpha Chi Journal of Undergraduate Scholarship.

For example, a secondborn child might assume firstborn characteristics (e.g. prefers order, structure, and adherence to rules) if the eldest sibling has a disability. Similarly, a secondborn boy in a patriarchal society might be treated as the firstborn even if he has an older sister. These external and internal perceptions are sometimes considered more powerful forces than the true sequence of birth.

To further complicate matters, being aware of birth order theory could also interfere with selfperception. Psychodynamic therapist Jake Freedman says: “Similar to the observer effect in quantum mechanics, where the act of observation can alter the state of a particle, beliefs and societal tropes about middle children may find their way into an individual’s family of origin, and then become internalised by the middle child.

“In turn, this might influence how they relate, behave, and feel,” Jake continues. “This could create a self-fulfilling prophecy, whereby the individual conforms to the stereotypical beliefs about middle children that are held. >>> happiful.com | Issue 90 | 13

How a person views their position in the family is more influential than their actual birth order These may then be explicitly or non-verbally communicated to them by others, leading them to assume or feel they have been assigned a specific role.”

Other contributing factors

According to the Encyclopedia of Evolutionary Psychological Science, the number of children in your family also plays a role in how birth order shapes your experiences. For instance, middle children in big families might develop strong negotiation skills as they navigate between older and younger siblings. On the flip side, only children might have more opportunities for one-onone time with parents, potentially boosting their speaking skills and confidence with adults.

Similarly, your family’s social status and financial situation can determine everything from the area where you grow up to the stress levels in your household. Children from lowerincome families might develop resilience and resourcefulness out of necessity, while those from wealthier backgrounds may have more freedom to 14 | Issue 90 | happiful.com

explore interests and hobbies.

Even within the same family, siblings can have wildly different experiences depending on when they were born, and what was happening in the family at that moment in time.

How parents choose to raise their children adds another layer of complexity, with some parents aiming to treat all their children the same, while others might adapt to suit specific needs or personalities. And with parents shaped by their own experiences, social status, and economic situation, you can see how the character of a middle child (or any child, for that matter) is built on more than just birth order.

Challenging stereotypes

If you’re a parent yourself, Lisa says that it can be useful to reflect on any assumptions you have around middle child theory, and how others may project theirs on to your family. If another parent says your middle child ‘must be the quiet one’ for example, challenge yourself to question the comment and open up the conversation. Ultimately,

Lisa Bruton is a counsellor and psychotherapist.

Jake Freedman is a psychodynamic therapist.

Find out more on the Counselling Directory.

the more we talk about these generalisations, and correct them when we feel able, the less likely they are to take hold.

Lisa says: “Like many parenting experiences, the more communal they can be (e.g. the more we can learn from others, ask for help, offer the help), typically the more resourced parents are, and therefore better equipped to deal with them.”

So while Adler’s theory offers some insight, it’s crucial to remember our development is influenced by a myriad of interconnected factors – family size, social status, economic situation, parenting styles, cultural background, individual experiences, and yes, birth order, too.

Fiona Fletcher Reid is a freelance writer and author, whose book, ‘Work It Out’ is available now (Welbeck Balance, £9.99). Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more.

5 science-backed benefits of magnesium From heart health to hormonal balance, what can this affordable supplement offer us?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

1. Combatting stress In a 2020 review, published in the journal Nutrients, it was found that there is an overlap between magnesium deficiency and stress. Studies in both pre-clinical and clinical settings found that magnesium plays a key role in normal stress response – and, particularly interestingly, stress can also increase magnesium loss. So, striking a balance with magnesium in your diet can help break this vicious, stressful, cycle.

2. Soothing depression Depression is a complex condition, with no single root cause. That said, several studies have found a link between low levels of magnesium and an increased risk of depression.

What’s more, a study of 126 adults, published in PLoS One, looked at the impact that taking 248mg of magnesium per day had on participants, finding that they reported decreased symptoms of depression following the sixweek study.

3. Improved heart health There are several ways that magnesium has been found to support our heart health.

One 2021 review, published in Nutrients, found that prescribing oral magnesium could be an effective treatment for hypertension (high blood pressure). However, the report noted that a lot of the research over the past 35 years has found mixed results, with some finding strong links while others saw little change. That said, the report notes that magnesium’s low cost, safety, and positive research into its impact on cardiovascular health, make it a great option for further investigation.

4. Supporting PMS symptoms Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) can cause a range of symptoms, from cramps to tiredness, and irritability. During this time, magnesium levels can fluctuate, so it’s thought that taking a supplement may be a way to soothe some of these common symptoms. In one study, published in the International Journal of Women’s Health and Reproductive Sciences, 60 students received a magnesium supplement to take from the 15th day of their cycle until the same day of the following cycle.

What they found was that this intervention effectively reduced symptoms of PMS.

5. Better quality sleep You may have heard of the trend of making ‘sleepy mocktails’ to drink before bedtime, with many of the recipes going viral online including magnesium supplements – and there’s evidence to back them up.

Magnesium regulates several of the neurotransmitters involved in sleep, which is why studies have found that supplements can help lower the amount of time it takes for people to fall asleep, as well as improve the overall quality and duration of sleep.

Tempted to give it a go?

Magnesium supplements are readily available and generally affordable. But you can also increase the amount of magnesium you’re getting through diet. Whole grains, leafy greens, nuts, beans, and even dark chocolate, are just some of the examples of magnesium-rich foods. So, for both a physical and mental health boost, this could be a great option to support and improve your overall wellbeing. happiful.com | Issue 90 | 15

Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them A A Milne

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deep thinking

Home is where the heart is What can we do when we find ourselves longing for a place we can’t return to?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

T

here are many elements that go into making a place special to us. It’s the physical location, and everything that comes with it – the unique landscape, the weather, the structures, and the less definable ‘atmosphere’ of a place. But it’s also about the people in that space, people we love and who make us feel safe. And then there is the time we spent there, who we were when we were there, and the specific circumstances that were in place. All these elements are powerful in their own right – so what happens when we realise we can’t go back?

‘Hiraeth’ is a Welsh word that simply translates to ‘longing’, but its meaning is often said to run a little deeper. Some describe it as a sense of loss over a connection to a place where you no longer are – or perhaps can never return to, as you long for a more specific time in a place. Others

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

point to it as capturing a longing for a feeling of home or a sense of belonging.

If you want another way to experience the meaning of this word, turn to the song ‘We’ll Keep a Welcome’ performed by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir – who sing the lines: ‘This land of song will keep a welcome/ And with a love that never fails/ We’ll kiss away each hour of hiraeth/ When you come home again to Wales.’ The song was written to capture the melancholic feeling of hiraeth that those living away from home experience, and is an immersive way to get a sense of the complexity and depth of this longing.

It’s an experience that resonates with life coach Annabel Smith, who has lived abroad three times in her life.

“Homesickness, for me, is about a lost sense of familiarity and belonging,” Annabel reflects. “In a career with a lot

of travel and time spent living abroad, I longed not just for the green fields, good chocolate, and proper cups of tea of home, but also the sense of ease and understanding, of knowing where everything is and how it works. Of being safe, and invisible if I wanted to be.”

Having lived in both Kenya and the US, alone and with a partner, there were some very specific things that Annabel found herself longing for.

“I longed for a slow-burning English spring with all the familiar landmarks of snowdrops, longer days, first green leaves, birdsong, and the holidays getting closer,” she says. “Some years it was almost painful to see snow still on the ground in April, when at home everything would be green and growing.”

In a study of people from other countries living in the Netherlands, published >>> happiful.com | Issue 90 | 17

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deep thinking

in the journal Environment and Behavior, it was found that homesickness was most common among those who were aged 30 to 39 years old, who had been away for six to eight years.

Considering a possible cause for these feelings, researchers pointed to the possibility that, even after the surroundings had become familiar, they still felt like outsiders.

It’s a theory that makes a lot of sense. The elements that go into making us feel at home in a place go far deeper than just understanding the surface of it. With time, we become tied to a place – we move with the rhythms of the local seasons, adjusting our lives slightly with the change in weather and the variations in the lengths of the days, and knowing instinctively how to navigate our surroundings. And while this is something that could happen later in life, when we find a home in a new place, the bonds that we form with places in youth are often the most poignant.

It’s a phenomenon that’s at the heart of homesickness and hiraeth – but to return to the problem at hand, if this is

something that plagues us, what can we do to soothe it?

“I find writing helps, whether it’s about somewhere that’s still here or long gone,” Annabel says. “To remember the details, the smells, the quirks, the fabric of the place where I was happy (most of the time). Then write them down, taking time to find the right words. It’s good to do something when you’re homesick – I would draw, if I could.”

An element of hiraeth is longing for something that you may not ever be able to fully get back, and this is also something that Annabel has encountered along the way.

“For many years, I worked in schools with international students who were a long way from home,” she says. “Some of them didn’t know when they would be able to go back, or whether their home would still be there. I always asked them if they would like to tell me about their home. Talking about the places we’re homesick for can make us sad, but it helps, too.

There were lots of happy tears.

“Now, as a coach, I work with a lot of clients who are expats or who grew up in more than one

country. Talking about that helps them explore their identity and sense of who they are, which can lead to quite profound revelations and changes.”

A key element here is about not burying those feelings, or trying to push past them in order to adapt to life in a new time and place. Instead, there’s something soothing about turning to face feelings of homesickness, and to explore it from a full, sensory perspective. As is so often the case, sitting with our difficult feelings is one of the best ways to honour and work with them. To return to the example of the song ‘We’ll Keep a Welcome’, which so perfectly captures the spirit of hiraeth, even from a place of longing and melancholy, something beautiful and comfortable can be created.

Annabel Smith is a certified coach helping people who want change. Discover more on the Life Coach Directory.

happiful.com | Issue 90 | 19

IT’S YOUR TIME TO SHINE Cultivate the courage to share your creative work Writing | Caroline Butterwick

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ou’ve spent the afternoon scribbling away in your notebook, or composing a song on your guitar, and are really proud of what you’ve created.

While part of you is excited to share this with someone else, you also feel unsure about taking that step. What if they don’t get it? What if they’re overly critical?

What if it’s no good?

Sharing our creative work can bring up a mix of emotions.

Although I’ve been a professional writer for a while, I still get nervous before I press ‘send’ when submitting an article, entering a story into a competition, or reading a poem to a friend. But I’m also so glad that I feel able to share, because there are so many benefits – as I found out when I asked counsellor and author Kirsten McKenzie why sharing our creative work can be a good idea.

“Engaging in creative work in isolation may be pleasant and valuable for its own sake, but as author Anne Lamott says: ‘We are social animals… You wouldn’t spend a month on an oil painting and then mummify it,’” says Kirsten.

“Sharing creative work can be beneficial in many ways,” she adds. “It allows us to express our

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thoughts and feelings to others, to receive feedback, and to join a wider creative conversation. Ultimately, however, to share our creative output is to feel connected to others, and to foster a sense of shared experience – what Kristin Neff calls ‘common humanity’.”

It can feel validating to have someone experience something you’ve created. I find it satisfying to know that other people read what I’ve spent hours crafting, especially when I get positive feedback. If you share in a creative environment – whether an open mic night or a craft group – you can feel part of a community.

WHY IS IT SO NERVE-RACKING?

Of course, sharing can be scary – and that’s normal. “Creative work often finds its source in a more unconscious, childlike part of ourselves – one that is less constrained by external judgement,” explains Kirsten. “As a result, sharing that work is risky, because it places us back into the real, social world, where criticism and ‘conditions of worth’ become a possibility. We are baring our souls, making ourselves vulnerable. This triggers our need for attachment, for unconditional acceptance. In

sharing creative work, just as when we share our feelings, we risk being rejected, and being unable to tolerate the difficult feelings that follow.”

Being a perfectionist can also make it challenging.

“Perfectionism is our desperate attempt to avoid that rejection, to avoid opening past wounds,” Kirsten tells me. “We all experience perfectionism at times – it is our mind’s way of trying to protect us from harm. It is the creative version of peoplepleasing, where instead of being our true authentic selves, we continually mould ourselves into what we think others may want.

“We become the classic ‘conditioned child’, living in fear of the judgement of the ‘critical parent’ within. In doing so, however, we miss the chance to form deep, authentic connections.

As Julia Cameron says in her groundbreaking book on creativity, The Artist’s Way, ‘We correct our originality into a uniformity that lacks passion and spontaneity.’

Perfectionism is the enemy of both creativity and connection.”

SHARING YOUR WORK

It can take a while to gain the courage to share your work. I

CREATIVE CORNER

Kirsten McKenzie is a counsellor and author. Get in touch via her profile on the Counselling Directory.

find it helpful to remember that there is nothing to lose by putting myself out there – and, often, good things can come of it.

“I believe a self-compassionate approach is very important when beginning to share work, just as when sharing emotions,” says Kirsten. “Where possible, start with people you trust, who will provide feedback in a constructive and compassionate way. When this does not happen, use selfcompassionate resources to nurture yourself.”

Creative work can feel very personal, especially if what we’ve made relates to our life, feelings, or experiences, so it’s understandable to feel a little vulnerable in sharing this.

“Remember that even though your work is an expression of who you are, it is not you,” emphasises Kirsten. “Any feedback you receive is of the work, not of yourself, and you control whether, and to what extent, you choose to accept it.”

It’s also good to remember that feedback is subjective. “The important thing is to use feedback to help your work become a better expression of who you are, rather than changing it to fit what others may like,” Kirsten says. Feedback can be helpful – we all have room

to grow. Sometimes it can help to give yourself time to digest feedback, as it can allow you to see it with less emotion.

Facing any kind of rejection can be painful, even for those of us who’ve been doing this for a while, but it’s a normal part of being a creative. Although I have some successes to shout about, I continually face rejection – and, honestly, it does get easier to deal with. I remind myself that if I didn’t send out any ideas, I wouldn’t have any successes

to count: rejection is part of the parcel.

And when you do share, the joy it brings can be so wonderful.

Congratulate yourself for having the courage to put yourself out there, and be proud of what you’ve created. As Kirsten says: “Remind yourself that by finding the courage to share, you are connecting with others more deeply, and somewhere there will be someone whose life will be enriched by the unique contribution only you can make – this is why we create.” happiful.com | Issue 90 | 21

G R E E N G L O S SA RY

Explore the eco language essentials you need to know, and why translating the terminology is so essential in pushing the movement forward Writing | Rebecca Thair

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ave you ever struggled to join in a conversation about a subject you’re not well-versed in? Perhaps your nurse friend relayed a story from work, and the medical terms meant you could barely follow the gist of it. Or your history teacher sibling was outraged telling you about the inaccuracies of a TV show, but you didn’t understand the context. Maybe you wanted to upgrade your phone, but the tech lingo left you lost and confused.

It can be incredibly isolating when language excludes us from a discussion, with the result being that not only can people feel embarrassed, stupid, or left out, but also less likely to engage with the matter again. And when it comes to the environment and climate change, this can have long-lasting, real world effects. With results from a survey released earlier this year highlighting that many people are excluded from environmental conversations for this very reason, ensuring that eco language is accessible is of paramount importance.

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A study by insights company Trajectory and communications agency Fleet Street reviewed Britons’ understanding of common environmental terms, and discovered that the majority of us struggle with some key ones. It found that only 25% of those surveyed were able to define ‘green’, and a similar number ‘sustainability’, while 47% were confident describing ‘single-use plastics’, but a mere 11% believed they really got ‘carbon offsetting’.

The findings go further to highlight a potentially generational issue at play, suggesting that 18 to 24-yearolds are most confident with the meaning of key climate terms – for example, ‘sustainability’ was understood by 24% more (nearly a quarter) of those in this age group than over 65s.

And while not all of us have a comprehensive understanding of climate-based language, it remains important to us, and sways our shopping habits. The same study found that 68% of people were more likely to make a purchase from a brand with

a clear environmental strategy.

Additionally, a PwC 2024 Voice of the Consumer Survey revealed that customers are, on average, willing to spend 9.7% more for sustainably produced or sourced products. But, if the majority of us struggle to follow environmental terminology, how do we know we’re getting our money’s worth? Or, in fact, how do we hold companies accountable for commitments they’ve made in order to win our business?

There’s a clear disparity between companies utilising language around sustainability to further their business goals, and actually educating the wider public on environmental phrases and causes, in order for them to make informed decisions about what’s being promised.

No one should feel excluded from the environmental protection narrative, or embarrassed to not fully understand dialogue on the subject. So, with that in mind, here we’re breaking down some of the 15 most essential terms you’re likely to hear in environmental discussions.

Biodegradable

Products that can be broken down naturally by microorganisms (e.g. bacteria), therefore not harming the environment by adding to pollution.

Biodiversity

The variety of all living things in an area and how they interact with each other, which includes everything from microorganisms to animals and plants, that, together, form ecosystems.

Biodiversity supports essential survival elements – food, water, shelter – with a delicate balance of these living things working together.

Carbon footprint

This is the amount of carbon produced by a person, business, or item. For individuals, this can include things such as your home energy usage, transportation, food choices, and what you buy. Globally, the average person’s carbon footprint is around 4 tons, but it’s recommended that we all aim to reduce this to below 2 tons by 2050 to help prevent global warming.

Carbon neutral

Ensuring that the scales are balanced in terms of carbon emissions created and removed from the atmosphere. For the most part, this involves ‘carbon offsetting’.

Carbon offsetting

Counteracting the carbon emissions created by a person, event, product, business, or other entity by paying or contributing towards initiatives that remove carbon dioxide from the atmosphere. This can include paying towards third party projects, such as those supporting renewable energy, or reforestation.

Eco-anxiety

Also known as ‘climate anxiety’, this is the emotional response you might experience to the climate crisis, with ongoing feelings of fear, worry, and stress about the situation and planet.

It’s often associated with grief, feelings of doom, and guilt. It’s also increasingly common, with the Woodland Trust reporting in 2023 that 65% of people are worried about climate change, with 25% considering themselves ‘very worried’. >>> happiful.com | Issue 90 | 23

Fossil fuels

Gas, coal, and oil, formed underground over millions of years and which have limited supply. Creating energy from these produces pollutants, including carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, and methane, which are harmful to our environment.

Global warming

This is the consequence of the additional pollutants and emissions released into our atmosphere, which gradually increase the planet’s heat, and has knock-on effects across the globe. As the planet heats, it affects the delicate ecosystem like a chain reaction – changing weather patterns, causing more volatile weather, affecting habitats, crops, displacing people, and impacting the economy, to name but a few.

Greenhouse effect

The layer of ‘greenhouse gases’ (e.g. carbon dioxide, methane, and nitrous oxide) which surround our planet, trap heat inside. They essentially act like the glass walls of a greenhouse, and without any of these the Earth’s temperature would drop too low for life to be sustainable at night. However, since the industrial revolution, humans have been producing more and more of these gases, and as these 24 | Issue 90 | happiful.com

increase in the atmosphere, more heat is trapped too, causing the planet’s temperature to rise.

Net zero

A goal for the UK by 2050, this is the achievement of removing as much pollution as you create, thereby essentially becoming carbon neutral. It’s often used in reference to goals for larger entities, such as companies and countries.

Ozone layer

Part of the Earth’s stratosphere, this is the layer of natural gases around the planet which protects it (and us) from the harmful UV rays of the sun. It’s between 15km and 30km above the surface, and acts like a filter, allowing some of the sun’s radiation through (that we need to live), while absorbing the rest.

Plant-based

Most often used in reference to diets, essentially featuring food that isn’t derived from animal products. Those who are vegetarian or vegan consume a plant-based diet, which will feature primarily vegetables, fruits, grains, pulses, nuts etc. However, you don’t have to be 100% plantbased, meaning it’s not necessary to exclude animal products from your diet completely, just try to reduce them.

Renewable energy

Whether solar, wind, hydroelectric (created by waves), or bioenergy (organic matter burned as fuel), it’s a form of energy which doesn’t take away from its source when acquired – essentially making it limitless, and therefore sustainable, energy.

Sustainability

Environmental sustainability is all about being responsible with our planet’s resources, ensuring longevity of them for future generations, while meeting the needs of today. Overconsumption, waste, pollution, lack of biodiversity, food production, climate change, and deforestation are just a few of the issues that negatively impact sustainability, and need to be addressed to ensure the planet doesn’t reach a breaking point.

Zero waste

Producing no waste materials.

In real-life terms, this could be a family which has a zero waste kitchen, by being strict on food items bought, utilises leftovers, and finds ways to repurpose anything else, such as through composting.

deep thinking

Do you have FOSO? Tired of feeling anxious about being away from work? If you have a ‘fear of switching off’, here’s how to fully disconnect, relax, and recharge Writing | Holly Treacy-West

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ave you ever painstakingly crafted your out-of-office message, eagerly anticipating a break from the daily grind, only to find yourself still checking emails and taking calls when you should be in full vacation mode? You think: “Just one quick reply won’t hurt,” but it’s a slippery slope into blurred boundaries, and soon you’re back in business mode before you’ve even unpacked your suitcase.

Not long ago, our primary concern was missing out (hello, FOMO), but a recent study sheds light on a new struggle: the difficulty of truly switching off. According to a survey by icompario.com, a staggering 67% of UK workers admit to peeking

at their professional emails even while their out-of-office (OOO) is activated. If this sounds familiar, you might be suffering from a ‘fear of switching off’ – or, FOSO, for short.

So where does this urge to stay continuously connected come from?

“The fear of switching off , even on days assigned for rest and leisure, is often a coping strategy designed to move towards success, and at the very least, to avoid failing, looking bad, or falling behind,” explains executive coach Dr Mandy Lehto. “For people who associate success with achievement and recognition, working (and over-working), not only feels normal, but rather good – even

the exhaustion, in a strange sort of way. Why? Because success has become associated with chronic doing, and feeling fried. Not stopping feels like a badge of honour, meaning that switching off can actually feel stressful, unfamiliar, and bring up anxiety.”

Tamu Thomas, a transformational coach and author of Women Who Work Too Much, agrees and adds, “We are taught to build our lives around work, which leads to exhaustion and burnout.

Rest, joy, and personal interests, which are vital for our humanity and innovation, are dismissed as immature, frivolous distractions. Rest becomes a productivity tool >>> happiful.com | Issue 90 | 25

FOSO might feel all too familiar, but it doesn’t have to be the norm or a luxury, when in fact it is essential for regulating our nervous system so that we do not live in a state of survival, and are able to function at our optimal levels.”

So what lies behind these anxieties? Dr Lehto suggests it’s that familiar feeling of ‘notenoughness’. “It’s a topic I explore with my guests on ‘Enough, the podcast’. Perfectionism and overachievement are often the strategies to demonstrate one’s worth and value to the outside world. The need to be productive constantly, to strive towards the next goal, and to be exceptionally good at your job can reflect a deeper desire to gain approval and external validation.”

If you’re wondering how we can look to combat FOSO, Dr Lehto has a suggestion: “You first need to recognise the impact your inability to relax is having on your relationships and wellbeing,” she says. “Are you always looking at your phone when spending time with your children or partner? Is your sleep disrupted on holiday because you’re checking work emails 26 | Issue 90 | happiful.com

late at night? If so, it’s time to recalibrate.”

But, according to Tamu, there’s a simple way we can combat FOSO, and that’s to fill our lives back up with joy. “Joy can be found in dedicating two minutes a day to gently gazing at the sky and mindfully breathing, or creating a three-track playlist of your favourite childhood music and dancing first thing in the morning,” she advises. “Our society tends to favour intense, structured experiences such as retreats, holidays, and nights out, and overlooks the things we can do within the ordinariness of our day to cultivate joy.”

If you were thinking there was a magic ‘just do it’ switch you could press in order to shut off from your work worries, unfortunately it’s not quite that easy. Like most things, it takes practice and a lot of unlearning. “The hardwiring of these behaviours goes deep, often into our childhoods,” notes Dr Lehto. But she is keen to share that we can unlearn the fear of switching off. “Once you’ve noticed the negative

impact these behaviours are having on your relationships and wellbeing, the first thing is to challenge your old winning strategy. Is relentless striving really contributing to my success? Or is it possible I’ve become successful in spite of (not because of) my chronic striving?

“Second, try running an experiment to create a bit of space for yourself. Start small,

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and expect your negative innerself talk to show up. You might choose not to bring your phone to the dinner table, for instance.

Or to switch it off entirely at 8pm.

Does anything bad happen? Or did the space feel good? (or at least not bad).

“Thirdly, bring a new goal into your life, something unrelated to work. Perhaps it’s to meet up with a friend once a week. I call this ‘diversifying your success portfolio’, and not putting all your eggs in the ‘achievement’ basket,” Dr Lehto says.

In the end, FOSO might feel all too familiar, but it doesn’t have to be the norm. The key is fostering balance and boundaries, and, as Dr Lehto suggests, over time this practice can show real results – in fact, you may even arrive at the ‘joy of switching off’. happiful.com | Issue 90 | 27

How to deal with a disability diagnosis Big life changes can come with a lot of uncertainty, as you get to grips with new information, needs, and feelings. We’re sharing six crucial tips for establishing your way forward following a disability diagnosis Writing | Lydia Wilkins

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hether you are born with it, acquire it through an accident, or receive a diagnosis later on in life, when it comes to the topic of disability, there can be a mass of conflicting feelings. From medical support to the impact on your daily life, there is a lot to deal with, and particularly for the latter two it can feel like a sudden upheaval, which can be incredibly difficult to cope with.

The Equality Act defines disability as a ‘physical or mental impairment’ which has a ‘substantial’ and/ or ‘long-term’ effect on carrying out daily activities. This also encompasses conditions that individuals may prefer to refer to as neurodivergence, such as autism and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

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wellbeing

I’ve been disabled all my life. While I’ve always been autistic, I wasn’t diagnosed until I was nearly 16.

Now I have anxiety, polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), and I’m awaiting surgery for what is likely to be endometriosis. I also have vestibular migraine, which impacts my ability to walk, and a vertigo condition that went undiagnosed for six months.

It’s fair to say I’ve had to process a lot of diagnoses, and the avalanche of information that comes with this, so these are the ‘hacks’ I’ve picked up along the way when dealing with disablement.

1. ALLOW YOURSELF TO SIT WITH THE FEELINGS If you have a new diagnosis or condition, there will be a lot of conflicting feelings and questions that might arise. Allow yourself to sit with these. This could be through talking to a therapist, journaling, taking yourself away to think, or making a list of queries you want answered. Feelings need to be ‘felt’ for a healthy response, so don’t fret if you need space to gather your thoughts before you’re able to process this news properly.

2. FIND YOUR TRIBE Disability can be lonely at times, as well as isolating, particularly when it comes to new experiences or learning to adapt. Be it through support groups that are conditionspecific – e.g. via the NHS, or Facebook groups – finding other people who are ‘in the same boat’ can allow you to feel less alone. Together, you can share experiences, advice, and have a safe space to open up about your feelings or fears.

3. TAP INTO ACCURATE REPRESENTATION

5. THINK ON HOW TO ‘PIMP’ MOBILITY AIDS

While on-screen representation of disability is often limited, actively seeking out places where you can see yourself reflected can make a big difference when you are feeling isolated. Take Ruth Madeley on Doctor Who last year, who played Shirley Anne Bingham; the actress, who has spina bifida, later reported that children were asking for her as a collectable figure for Christmas.

Disability representation is important in reflecting our reality. While more work needs to be done by society to improve inclusivity and representation in the mainstream, just know that there are films, TV shows, and even books about your diagnosis out there, and this can certainly offer some comfort.

Sometimes mobility aids need to be used – such as a wheelchair, powerchair, walking stick, or a crutch – but just because these are practical items doesn’t mean they have to be boring; it could be an opportunity to express yourself. Disability does not mean stopping with interests, such as fashion and beauty. Neowalk is a firm that offers custom-made canes that light up, bedazzled accessories, and other attachments. Not Your Grandma’s sells other accessories such as compression socks, with prints like cats, planets, and Barbie pink backgrounds. Think how you can ‘pimp’ your mobility aids, for something that is a little bit more you.

4. READ UP ON THE DISABILITY JUSTICE MOVEMENT The Disability Justice movement has a long history across the world; in the UK there was Barbara Lisicki, and the US had Judy Heumann.

As a collective movement, it offers up companionship, as well as the assurance of rights in law for all.

The BBC drama Then Barbara Met Alan, available on BBC iPlayer, is a dramatisation of how the UK eventually arrived at the Disability Discrimination Act, which made way for equal rights in law, and outlawed discrimination against disabled people. Understanding how others have fought for your rights can be incredibly empowering, enabling you to gain a clearer picture on where things currently stand.

6. SELF-CARE IS A MUST, SO SHOW YOURSELF SOME KINDNESS No one should have to apologise for the way in which they function.

However, disability can sometimes mean that enforced rest is needed, to slow down or set aside hobbies for the sake of our health. It can feel utterly hideous to be forced into such a position. Regular self-care is an absolute ‘must’.

Pace Yourself by Amy Arthur looks at the concept of taking things at your own pace; it’s worth the consideration to help you find a balance between supporting and nourishing yourself, and still enjoying the things that make your life fulfilling.

Lydia Wilkins is an award-winning freelance journalist and editor, who is working on her second book. Follow Lydia on X @Journo_Lydia happiful.com | Issue 90 | 29

Ask the experts How can a dyslexia coach support me?

Positive psychology coach and mentor Tamara Judge answers your questions on dyslexia coaching.

Read more about Tamara on the Life Coach Directory.

Q

What is dyslexia, and what are the signs I might be dyslexic?

Dyslexia is a learning difficulty that affects how the brain processes language. It’s not just about jumbling letters, but also understanding and using spoken and written language. If you’re wondering whether you might be dyslexic, here are some signs to look out for…

You might read slowly, or with much effort, and struggle with spelling and organising your thoughts in writing, which can make your texts appear disorganised. Dyslexics often find it hard to follow sequences, which might show up as mixing up dates, or confusing steps in instructions. Oral language and short-term memory weaknesses can also be tricky; you might find yourself pausing to recall certain words, or frequently using fillers like ‘um’ or ‘thing’. Time management might be another challenge, often underestimating how long tasks will take. These difficulties persist over time, and if they sound familiar, considering an evaluation could be a helpful step.

Q

What difficulties might someone with dyslexia experience?

While dyslexia primarily affects reading and writing, it can influence various aspects of life. Individuals often struggle with reading fluently, and comprehending what they read. Writing challenges include poor spelling, difficulty forming letters, and organising thoughts clearly on paper. Language processing can be troublesome, with problems in phonemic awareness and verbal expression leading to pauses or filler words. Dyslexics might also experience confusion with directions, and struggle with sequences and following multi-step instructions. Memory issues often manifest as difficulties in retaining new information, and juggling multiple tasks. Additionally, dyslexia can affect mathematical abilities, time management, and organisational skills.

These challenges can lead to frustration, anxiety, and low self-esteem. However, many people with dyslexia develop effective coping strategies, and excel in non-reading-based areas, demonstrating significant strengths alongside their challenges.

Life Coach Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

The British Dyslexia Assocation style guide was referenced when designing this article.

Q

What does a dyslexia coach do?

As a dyslexia and positive psychology coach, I focus on helping people understand the incredible strengths and talents that often accompany dyslexia, in addition to addressing their daily challenges. I help clients set meaningful, achievable goals, and teach practical coping mechanisms, like mindfulness and gratitude exercises, to enhance wellbeing and resilience, and manage the stress, frustration, and anxiety, which can often accompany learning difficulties.

Personalised educational strategies that suit the unique learning styles of those with dyslexia – such as multisensory and creative approaches – may be offered. I help clients learn strategies to support their dyslexia, and build habits that allow them to flourish. Through feedback and reflective practices, we encourage a growth mindset, helping individuals thrive and envision a limitless future for themselves.

Q

What are some strategies that can help manage dyslexia day-to-day?

• Identify your individual strengths to boost confidence, and make the most of your natural talents.

• Implement goal-setting, paired with visualisation techniques, to create a proactive, positive mindset.

• Practise mindfulness and challenge negative thoughts to build resilience, manage stress, and enhance focus.

• Integrate structured literacy instruction and assistive technology like text-to-speech tools to support independence in learning, and improve reading and comprehension.

• Work on enhancing executive functions through coaching on time management, and building a bank of organisational tools or apps.

Coaching provides regular feedback to cultivate a growth mindset and continuous improvement. Dive into community engagement for peer support, and advocacy education for self-representation. This creates a holistic approach that tackles dyslexia’s challenges, and also enriches overall quality of life. happiful.com | Issue 90 | 31

MONEY ON YOUR MIND

Lisa’s week

Welcome to Money on Your Mind, the series where we explore the reality of money and mental health in the lives of real people.

In this edition, Lisa shares her journey out of debt, along with the money habits that make her feel safe Writing | Lisa Maynard-Atem as told to Kathryn Wheeler

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ednesday is one of my ‘no-spend’ days. I try to have a minimum of six no-spend days a month – one a week, and some on weekends.

I’ve made a lot of progress with my relationship with money, but there’s always a little voice in the back of my head that says: ‘You need to be careful, Lisa. What if you run out of money?’ I need to move away from that scarcity mindset – and I’m getting there, but it’s like having a little devil sitting on my shoulder.

The next day, I organised my finances. Towards the end of the month, I plan for the next – making sure I’ve got everything covered, plus some money for my emergency fund. My goal is always to be a month ahead in terms of outgoings, so I’m not panicking as the month draws to a close. When I was younger, I was living paycheck to paycheck, and got fed up with living like that.

Also, I’ve had to be more careful since I left my job in April 2023.

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At the end of 2022, I decided that I wanted to be self-employed.

From a mental health point of view, I’m a lot happier. I wasn’t unhappy before, but I got to the stage where I was 44 and thought, I don’t want to go through the rest of my professional life answering to somebody else. My fashion rental business was starting to take off and I thought, I’m in my 40s, I’m going to do this while I’m still young enough.

My interest in sustainable fashion began during lockdown. I came across an article that talked about the benefits of renting out your clothes, so I uploaded a dress to the site HURR, and a couple of months down the line, I got a request. And then I got another, and they kept coming. I enjoyed the whole process, and didn’t pay much attention to the money at first – then, one day, I checked my account and had made £500!

Things went from there, and now I invest 50% and use the other 50% to reinvest in my rental wardrobe.

For my own wardrobe, I follow ‘the rule of five’, which is where you make no more than five clothing purchases throughout the year. Being honest, I have a weakness for shopping, so I thought it would be tricky. But it’s been fine, and I’ve only actually bought two items – dresses, both pre-loved, and spent £28 overall!

On Friday I got an email about a restaurant near where I live, offering £20 off! My mum and I go out for lunches at the weekend, so I took the opportunity to book a table for Saturday, which was a nice money-saver. But before we headed out, my first task was posting some Vinted parcels.

Even though I moved back from London nearly eight years ago, I’ve still got suitcases of unpacked clothes. In March, I decided that every day, for as long as it took, I would upload a minimum of five items to Vinted – oh my, it was tough. But I had to get rid of these clothes – some of them have been in suitcases for seven years! I’ve

MONEY ON YOUR MIND

Do you have a story to tell? If you’d like to take part in our Money on Your Mind series, and share a week in your life as you navigate personal finances, reach out to us at hello@happiful.com

made about £800 from selling them now. That said, I do try to be a bit more relaxed on the weekends, because I find I can overwork, especially being self-employed. I could very easily slip into working on my laptop for three hours!

Monday was the first day of the month, and some of my bills went out, so I was checking I had enough to cover everything. I’m meticulous with money, but it’s what makes me feel safe. I get a bit of a buzz out of it because, if you go back seven or eight years, I wasn’t as knowledgeable or as comfortable with money as I am now.

I used to be in a lot of debt. It just built up, and I’m not entirely sure how. It wasn’t through frivolous spending, there were some necessities, but it accumulated. One minute I was taking out a loan to buy my first car (about £800), then fast forward a couple of years and I was in thousands of pounds of debt. When I moved to London, I got myself a well-paying job, but I still had all this debt, so I decided to pay it off in a year – and I managed to do it in 11 months. It was a Friday at work when I paid it off. To celebrate, I went into the canteen and bought myself some hash browns and a hot chocolate!

Thinking back over the week, it’s given me a chance to acknowledge the progress I’ve made in terms of my finances. I’ve come away thinking, you’re doing OK – you’re not Elon Musk yet, but you’re doing all right. I still have that little devil on my shoulder, but I’ve come a long way from where I was.

For more from Lisa, follow her on Instagram @stylisa or visit stylisa.com happiful.com | Issue 90 | 33

Unlock the power of breath Discover five effective techniques to counteract stress, however it manifests Writing | Claudia Dumond

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reathe, they say, but no breath is made equal! One thing’s for sure, we have lost the art of breathing well. And while we spend money and time searching for external things that can help us stay calm, focused, or energised, the power to guide our mood and feelings could lie within.

When anxious, we tend to engage in chest breathing, which causes an upset in the body’s oxygen and carbon dioxide levels, resulting in increased heart rate, dizziness, muscle tension, and other physical sensations. What we really need to focus on is deep breathing – diaphragmatic breathing – as it reduces stress and anxiety, enhances mental clarity, and promotes relaxation.

It improves oxygen delivery, lowers heart rate and blood pressure, and supports digestive health.

Another thing we know: our breath has the power to heal.

There is great wisdom within your breath, and as you begin to work with it consciously, you can unlock this, and use it to transform your mind, body, and soul.

Stress can impact us in various ways, from presenting as insomnia and brain fog to fatigue (both physical and mental), so

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here are five powerful breathing techniques that can be utilised in the moment to help counter it.

For calm: try box breathing (also known as square breathing)

Visualise a square as you breathe in four equal parts: inhale, hold, exhale, hold. Start by inhaling deeply through your nose for a count of four. Hold your breath for a count of four. Exhale slowly and completely through your mouth for a count of four. Hold your breath again for a count of four. Repeat this cycle for several rounds, maintaining a steady and controlled rhythm. Box breathing helps to regulate your nervous system, bringing about a state of calm and balance, and is an excellent technique to use during stressful moments.

For sleep: try the 4-7-8 method

Sit or lie down comfortably, and place the tip of your tongue against the ridge behind your upper front teeth. Exhale completely through your mouth, then inhale quietly through your nose for four seconds. Hold your breath for seven seconds, and then exhale completely through your mouth for eight seconds. Repeat this

cycle for a total of four breaths. This technique helps reduce anxiety, relaxes the nervous system, lowers heart rate, and improves overall sleep quality, promoting deeper and more restful sleep.

For energy: try skull shining breath (also known as kapalabhati pranayama)

Kapalabhati consists of alternating short, powerful exhales, and slightly longer, passive inhales.

Gently close the eyes and breathe through the nose and take a couple of deep grounding breaths to calm the mind, focusing on the lower belly. Now quickly contract your lower belly, pushing a burst of air out of your lungs. Then quickly release the contraction to suck air into your lungs. Pace yourself slowly at first. Repeat eight to 10 times at about one exhale-inhale cycle every second or two. The skull shining breath should be practised on an empty stomach. It is an energising breathing practice that clears the lungs, the nasal passages, and brings lightness and clarity to the frontal region of the brain.

For balance: try ocean breath (AKA ujjayi breathing) With this exercise, both inhalation and exhalation are done through

try this at home

For clarity: try alternate nostril breathing (otherwise known as nadi shodhana)

Sit comfortably with your spine straight. Bring your right hand in front of your face, and position your index and middle fingers between your eyebrows. Use your thumb to close your right nostril and inhale deeply through your left nostril. At the peak of your inhalation, close your left nostril with your ring finger, releasing your right nostril. Exhale slowly and completely through your right nostril. Inhale through your right nostril, close it with your thumb, and exhale through your left nostril. Continue this cycle for several rounds, focusing on the rhythm of your breath. Alternate nostril breathing enhances mental clarity and focus by balancing the left and right hemispheres of your brain.

Claudia Dumond is the founder of Minimondo, which offers holistic health coaching, courses and content for women looking to make positive, lifelong changes. Visit weareminimondo.com for more.

the nose. As you inhale and exhale, keep your mouth closed. Constrict your throat to the point that your breathing makes a rushing noise, almost like snoring. Control your breath with your diaphragm and keep your inhalations and exhalations equal in duration.

Ujjayi breathing may improve your concentration, release tension throughout the body, and regulate the heating and cooling of the body, warming the core from the inside. It’s ideal for maintaining equilibrium and focus during yoga practice or any balancing activity.

When to use these breathing techniques

Incorporating these breathing techniques into your daily routine can significantly enhance your overall wellbeing. The beauty of using your breath as a tool for healing is that you can literally do it anytime and anywhere.

Breathing well is an art, and mastering these techniques can be a game-changer in managing stress and relieving anxiety. Start small, practise regularly, find the breathing technique that works best for you, and observe the profound effects on your mind, body, and soul. happiful.com | Issue 90 | 35

6 common myths about suicide

With greater awareness and understanding, we can provide better support to those experiencing suicidal thoughts. With the insight of six professionals, we’re highlighting common misconceptions about suicide, and sharing the truth behind the taboo topic Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

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very year, on 10 September, organisations around the world unite to raise awareness about suicide prevention. Samaritans, the charity dedicated to reducing feelings of isolation and disconnection that can lead to suicide, says that simply asking someone if they’re suicidal could protect them, yet it’s still something many of us don’t feel capable of doing. To make matters worse, a lack of conversation around suicide means that there is no counterargument to debunk myths and false assumptions, meaning that not only are we failing to talk about suicide, but we are also lacking a true understanding of the concept as a whole. That’s why, in honour of Suicide Awareness Day 2024, we want to set the record straight about some common myths around suicide, and arm you with the knowledge that could save someone’s life.

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Asking someone about suicidal thoughts may in fact reduce, rather than increase, suicidal ideation Myth: Talking about suicide with someone will make them more suicidal.

If you’re worried about a friend’s mental health, it makes sense that you would avoid asking them if they are suicidal. Surely bringing up the subject could put dangerous ideas in their head? Well, according to a paper published by Psychological Medicine, asking someone about suicidal thoughts may in fact reduce, rather than increase, suicidal ideation.

Clinical psychologist Dr Aisha Tariq explains: “Talking about

suicide does not increase the risk of someone acting on it. On the contrary, it opens pathways to support, reduces isolation, and can be life-saving. Dispelling this myth is crucial in fostering an environment where individuals feel safe to express their struggles and seek the help they need.”

Importantly, these conversations should be handled with care and sensitivity. “Using non-judgmental and compassionate language, and being a good listener, are crucial,” says Dr Tariq. “It’s also vital to involve professionals if the risk appears imminent.”

happiful regulars

Myth: People who talk about suicide are just seeking attention.

While 50–60% of people do not disclose their suicidal thoughts, plans, or attempts to other people, according to a 2023 study published in Clinical Psychology Review, those who do talk about suicide must be taken seriously.

We all have our strange ways of coping with difficult situations, and branding a friend as a ‘drama queen’ to (unconsciously) avoid bearing witness to the extent of their illness is not unheard of. As a seemingly helpless bystander, you may not feel able to consciously acknowledge how much pain your friend is experiencing.

Counsellor Phoebe ClausenSternwald says that when someone talks about ending their own life, ultimately, they are seeking relief.

“They are actually saying ‘I am in so much pain, I don’t think I can bear it anymore.’ They deeply believe that they don’t have any control over their life, and the only power or control they can exercise is through suicide.”

It takes courage to talk about thoughts of suicide. If someone opens up to you, listen and encourage them to seek help in a way that they are comfortable with, such as their GP, a therapist, or a helpline. >>> happiful.com | Issue 90 | 37

I often say to my clients who feel suicidal that, perhaps, it could be that they don’t actually want to die, but just don’t want to feel like ‘this’ Myth: Restricting access to lethal means doesn’t work.

Myth: Suicide always comes without warning.

If someone has the intention to take their own life, do safety barriers on bridges and limited access to pain medications provide effective prevention? In short, yes. One Lancet article explains that when a lethal method is unavailable at the moment of potential action, suicide attempts might be delayed. The result is that, in some cases, suicidal impulses pass without fatal effects.

This opportunity to pause and reflect is something that counsellor Kate Haskell offers as a brief and powerful moment for those in crisis. “I often say to my clients who feel suicidal that, perhaps, it could be that they don’t actually want to die, but just don’t want to feel like ‘this’. Whatever ‘this’ is can be overwhelming at times, so dying feels like the easy option. That seems to resonate with so many, and brings a sense of calm to the turmoil.”

So, while limiting access to lethal means may not get to the root cause of suicidal thoughts, it is proven to have intervening effects.

It’s common for suicide loss survivors to feel a sense of responsibility for the death of their loved ones. While it’s true that some red flags may have gone unnoticed, there’s often a complex web of reasons why someone chooses to take their own life. Being aware of the subtle signs can prompt early intervention.

“Factors such as financial troubles, work or study stress, loneliness, physical or mental health issues, bereavement, redundancy, and relationship

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endings, make life challenging,” says counsellor Pia-Mari Powell.

Other signs include being easily upset, unable to concentrate, changes in sleep patterns, lack of enjoyment in usual hobbies, substance abuse, and social isolation. “If we notice any of these warning signs, we have the opportunity to take the first step. We can ask how things are, show that we care, and invite a conversation. We can offer a listening ear and a space to offload,” Pia-Mari adds.

We may not always be able to prevent suicide, but we can be aware of the key signs.

Myth: Therapists aren’t at risk of suicide.

Understandably, we can see those who provide mental health care as invincible. But the truth is that supporting others through a mental health crisis does not make you immune to thoughts of suicide, nor does it mean that therapists should be expected to ‘heal themselves’.

Therapist, coach, and mental health educator Camilla Fadel explains that healthcare professionals have an increased risk of suicide, with, “stressful jobs, access to means including medications, and decreased likelihood to reach out for help”, all acting as contributing factors.

happiful regulars

Need support? Call 116 123 to speak to a Samaritan for free any time, or email jo@samaritans.org

Myth: Teenagers and students are most at risk.

According to the Office for National Statistics, since around 2010, males aged 45 to 64 years old have had the highest suicide rate. So, why do people assume that teenagers and students are more at risk?

“It may be because suicide remains the third leading cause of death for under 20s, after accidental injury and cancer,” explains counsellor Helen Hadden. “The media’s tendency to focus on these tragic cases often leads to a skewed perception of suicide prevalence among young people.”

It’s not to say that there aren’t real risks for teenagers and students when it comes to suicide. Mental health charity Papyrus reported that suicide is the leading cause of death for those under 35, but with around three-quarters of them boys or young men, there is a clear need for intervention support tailored to boys and men.

By arming ourselves with accurate information and leading open, compassionate conversations, we can all play a part in suicide prevention.

Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. If you or someone you know is struggling, reach out to a mental health professional or a suicide prevention helpline.

Meet our experts

Dr Aisha Tariqis a clinical sychologist specialising in anxiety and trauma.

Camilla Fadel is a relationship and psychosexual therapist, educator and coach.

Kate Haskell is a person-centred therapist based in Devon.

Pia-Mari Powell is a person-centred counsellor and holistic therapist.

Phoebe Clausen-Sternwald is a counsellor and grief educator.

Helen Hadden is a psychodynamic and EMDR psychotherapist.

Get in touch with these professionals, and find more information and support for suicidal thoughts on the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 90 | 39

12 subtle signs you may have an unhealthy relationship with food Watch out for these warning signs that your thoughts, feelings, or behaviours around food might be unhealthy for you Writing | Rebecca Thair

1. You have strict rules around what and how much you consume.

A pattern with most of these signs is feelings of anxiety, stress, guilt, or shame when deviating from food rules and expectations you’ve enforced on yourself.

2. You feel like you need to ‘earn’ your food.

This can play out through punishing yourself with extreme exercise for indulging, or restricting what you eat when you feel you’ve not moved enough.

3. You experience guilt over food choices.

Rather than listening to your body, its hunger cues, and what you need to fuel yourself, you view certain foods as ‘good’ and others as ‘bad’.

4. You prefer to not eat around others.

You might find yourself extremely self-conscious and anxious at the thought of eating in front of other people for fear of judgement.

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5. You change your eating habits while around other people.

7. You find yourself bingeing.

6. You completely avoid certain foods or food groups.

8. You use food to address your emotions.

This might be putting on a display or feeling guilty about ordering what you want. For example, you might be really restrictive in private, but eat more while around company to intentionally avoid drawing attention to this, or it could be that you order smaller portions or lower calories choices because you’re worried what others will think.

While there can be important reasons to stay away from certain foods (e.g. allergies or intolerances), this is more in relation to self-enforced rules around food, potentially related to diet culture perceptions, or thinking certain foods are ‘good’ or ‘bad’. You might cut out carbs completely, or fats, dairy, or gluten, not because you need to from a health or medical perspective, but because they have been ‘demonised’ by the media.

This can be an eating disorder in itself, particularly if you’re regularly bingeing and purging.

But even if you find yourself being restrictive for several days, or weeks, and then going to an extreme with what you’re eating, this can be a sign of an unhealthy, and unrealistic, relationship you’re holding yourself to with food as it’s not manageable in the long-term.

This could be that you either ‘eat your feelings’ or restrict yourself when you’re unhappy, stressed, or depressed, or you use food as a comfort mechanism without really acknowledging the root cause of the emotions themselves.

9. You find it stressful to eat out or at social occasions.

While there can be plenty of valid reasons for social eating to contribute to stress – from the cost of meals to options

food & health

12. Hyper-aware of calories consumed.

for dietary restrictions, or those with misophonia – this is related to feeling extreme anxiety around being able to follow your personal food rules when dining out, and a preoccupation over what others will say or think about your food choices.

10. You find yourself changing your eating habits based on how you feel when you look in the mirror that day.

This could also apply if someone makes an off-hand comment about size or weight, or any incident (e.g. comparing yourself to someone on social

media) that changes your mood.

Essentially, something happens to knock your body confidence, and you notice it impacting your food choices that day.

11. You find yourself thinking about food constantly.

If you always have calories, your next meal or snack on your mind, or potentially find yourself really craving things, but ignoring those hunger cues, it could signify that your relationship with food needs some care and attention. This is where it becomes a borderline obsession, and the thing you spend most of your attention and energy focused on.

You feel uncomfortable eating or drinking anything without knowing how many calories it contains, and having the equation in your head of what you’re consuming versus what you’ve burned. You also likely have a mental limit for what you will eat, and will refuse to go above that, no matter the circumstances.

Need support?

The charity Beat Eating Disorders can be invaluable.

Visit beateatingdisorders.org. uk for insight, along with email contacts for support, or reach out via its social media.

Helplines (3pm–8pm Monday to Friday): • 0808 801 0677 (England) • 0808 801 0432 (Scotland) • 0808 801 0433 (Wales) •0 808 801 0434 (NI)

happiful.com | Issue 90 | 41

Going ‘no contact’ with an ex Why cutting ties might be the best way to start healing your heart, post-breakup Writing | Michelle Elman

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here was a time when a breakup would mean the end of seeing your ex. You didn’t have a number to text them at 2am when you’re sad and lonely. You didn’t have social media to scroll through when you’d consumed a few too many drinks, and begun telling yourself the relationship was better than it actually was. Now, we have more ways to be in contact with our exes, and track their lives from afar – which is why going ‘no contact’ with your ex is more important than ever.

The term ‘no contact’ was originally created in reference to abusive situations where the person needed to, for their own safety, cut contact with an individual who was harming them. Since the term has gone mainstream, it is now being used more broadly in the context of setting boundaries, whether that’s

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with an ex-partner, an ex-friend, or even a family member.

How this works in practice often involves blocking their phone number, and removing them from all your social media. In terms of boundaries, it is about limiting the access they have to your life, and removing their ability to not only contact you, but also see what you are up to.

Especially in the context of a breakup, I believe it is necessary for healing. Within a romantic relationship, there is not just love but attachment, and therefore to truly detach from a person and process the breakup, you need to learn how to live your life without them. When their number is on your phone, or you have access to their social media, it becomes all too easy to reach out; that was your norm for the length of your relationship, after all. It is almost a reflex that you have to unlearn.

I have recently been through the process myself. My situation was made easier by the fact that my partner doesn’t have social media and never has, but within a day of the breakup, I had removed all his friends and family from my own social media accounts, and removed myself from all group chats with the people in his life. Deleting his number would have been pointless as I have his phone number memorised, and we had more complications as we lived together, so we spoke on the phone and over texts for a few weeks following the breakup.

It took us a while to untangle our lives, from transferring the internet bills to moving his stuff out, but once the details were taken care of, we both knew it was time to create some distance.

We needed to learn how to live without each other, and you can’t process the feelings of the

@MICHELLELELMAN

breakup if you are still getting validation, attention, and interaction from that person.

When it comes to social media, I believe that stalking an ex on social media is a version of self-harm. Sometimes we stalk because the breakup wasn’t as final as we hoped, so we are looking for the ending to the story, but often that’s an illusion to keep clinging on to the hope of closure. The ending was closure.

Sometimes we social media stalk because we feel bad, and therefore choose a behaviour to confirm how we are already feeling. When you think about

it, do you know exactly what you are searching for? If you see them post a happy photo, you deduce you were meaningless and that they are not as affected by the breakup as you. If you see a sad quote about heartbreak, you feel bad and want to reach out to comfort them. Both outcomes lead to you hurting yourself, and that’s not even considering the chance you could see a new person they are dating, or them talking about dating. The truth is that social media only paints half the picture anyway, and you will use whatever you find to depict the narrative you want to paint.

Going no contact is hard, but maintaining contact is harder.

You aren’t ending contact for the strong, empowered version of yourself, you are doing it for the more vulnerable version of you that exists at 2am when you can’t sleep, and are convincing yourself that you are going to be alone forever, and they are your soulmate. Within a breakup, it is normal for both parts of you to exist, but it’s important that your wiser self is the one who makes the decisions. No contact not only protects you, it protects them, too.

It gives you both the opportunity to move on and let go.

When you feel tempted to get back in contact, the best question you can ask yourself is: “What would a person who loves themselves do?” The truth is a person who loves themselves would not return to the person who caused the harm. No matter how it ended, it ended for a reason, and you must remember that.

Michelle Elman is an author, TEDx speaker, and five-board accredited life coach. Follow her on Instagram @michellelelman happiful.com | Issue 90 | 43

7 ways share a bed successfully From hogging the covers to snoring keeping you awake, sleeping in the same bed as a partner can come with its fair share of challenges. But here we’re exploring some expert-led tips to make your sleep set-up a dream Writing | Elizabeth Bennett

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hether it’s snoring, differing bedtimes, or contrasting temperature preferences, sharing a bed with your partner isn’t always easy. If not dealt with, the challenges of sharing the same space each night can negatively impact your relationship.

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“I think of it as a drip feed; over time all of these small annoyances and frustrations can lead to very big issues,” psychotherapist Justine Sheedy explains. “Feelings of resentment may build, and this could lead to some very strained feelings that will no doubt hinder the relationship.”

However, with communication, compromise, and respect for each other’s habits, sharing a bed can be harmonious. Here are seven helpful hacks to bear in mind:

Communicate clearly

Firstly, and most crucially, you and your partner need to talk openly.

As everyone’s ideal routine is

relationships

likely to be different, it’s important to share your needs for optimal sleeping and completing daily tasks. Similarly, if issues occur, raise them as soon as possible to avoid resentment building.

“Try to always address concerns together to find solutions,” Justine says. “Plus, remember when we’re asleep we aren’t fully engaged and able to control movements or snoring.” So try not to take any unconscious actions personally.

Establish a routine

Having a somewhat solid sleep routine is helpful in ensuring both people know where they stand.

“Establish consistent sleep routines that work for both of you,” Justine says. Communication is key, and choosing a time when you are both relaxed to discuss this is important.

If your schedules differ each day, perhaps have a chat so both of you know what to expect for the coming week. Justine also suggests creating a calming bedtime routine that works for you both, and minimises disruptions. When you’re both in a good headspace for sleeping, nighttime disturbances are less likely.

Cultivate compromise

All relationships involve compromise, and there is no better example than learning to share a bed successfully. After all, no one loves being woken by someone else’s alarm, or kept up by snoring. “Be willing to compromise on matters such as bedtime routines, sleep positions, and room temperature, to ensure both partners feel comfortable and supported,” Justine suggests.

Create a space that works for both of you

On the subject of compromise, it’s crucial to agree on a bed setup that works for both of you.

Temperature is often a big debate between couples, but there are some solutions if one feels colder or warmer than the other. “Try adjusting the thermostat, using separate blankets, or wearing comfortable sleepwear,” Justine says. Allowing each other enough space to sleep comfortably is also important. “If one person tends to move around a lot, or needs more space, consider a larger bed or separate blankets,” she adds.

Over time all of these small annoyances and frustrations can lead to very big issues Address snoring

Snoring is often one of the biggest causes of sleep issues between couples. It can be a frustrating and upsetting experience for both the snorer and the one sleeping beside them. In the first instance, Justine suggests simple solutions like ear plugs or a white noise machine, but if this isn’t providing relief, it is best to seek help from a specialist who can offer solutions for the snoring itself. Much like other issues that arise from sharing a bed, talk honestly about the topic, so both partners feel listened to and heard.

Justine Sheedy is an experienced psychotherapist who’s worked across the NHS, Mind, and Cardiff University. Connect via Counselling Directory.

Practise patience

Lack of sleep can amplify all these issues, and any other relationship frustrations, further. “If you’re both tired from persistent poor sleep, it may result in less patience and understanding,” Justine says. Trying your hardest to practise patience is therefore very important. This especially rings true if you are sharing a bed with someone new. “Adjusting to sharing a bed can take time, so be patient with each other as you navigate any challenges that arise,” Justine says.

Seek help

Lastly, if you feel that issues around sharing a bed with your partner are negatively impacting your relationship, and you aren’t able to solve them successfully as a couple, having help from an independent expert can be valuable. “Consider seeking advice from a sleep specialist or couples therapist for guidance and support,” Justine suggests.

It’s also OK if you decide to have nights where you sleep separately from your partner, if that is what works best for you both (and there’s clear communication around this). The important thing is to have these discussions, open communication, and experiment to find the best way for you both to rest easy. happiful.com | Issue 90 | 45

The Happiful Poetry Prize 5 202 Our annual poetry competition celebrating the best of mental health writing is back

Seasoned pro or fresh newbie, wherever you are in your writing journey, you are personally invited to enter the Happiful Poetry Prize 2025.

We’re looking for poems that explore the topic of mental health and wellbeing in unique, engaging, and empowering ways. The competition is free to enter, and no prior experience is necessary; the only thing we require is a passion for writing!

The winner will receive £100, and four shortlisted poets will each receive a £25 National Book Token. All five poems will be published in issue 96 of Happiful.

Please submit: • One entry per person, of a poem no more than 25 lines long.

• Your poem’s title.

• Your full name and address.

• A short biography, no more than 50 words long.

To enter, visit happiful.com/poetry-prize The deadline for entries is 23:59 Monday 18 November 2024. All poets will be contacted with the results in February 2025. UK & NI only. For full T&Cs, visit happiful.com/poetry-prize. Good luck!

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FIRST PRIZE WINNE RECIE R VES £100

deep thinking

Find your voice 4 steps to writing a remarkable poem Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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oems have the ability to move and inspire us like little else. As writers, they allow us the freedom to explore topics with creativity and purpose, and as readers they can offer anything from comfort to confrontation. Language, form, and structure, all come together to create something with meaning, and when every aspect works in harmony, it’s a truly remarkable thing.

Something that is in equal measures daunting and empowering is the fact that there are very few rules when it comes to writing contemporary poetry.

You can play with structure as you please, you can bend the rules of grammar to create a unique voice, and you can explore striking and unusual images that you wouldn’t find elsewhere.

So, when you’ve thrown away the rulebook, how can you tell whether what you’re writing is

working? We’ve put together a simple, four-step guide to writing remarkable poems.

Find your voice

What you’ll notice when you read a lot of poems is that, over time, you come to recognise a poet’s voice. There may be a certain cadence to the writing, they may be drawn to particular images, or perhaps they write in a regional accent.

Finding your voice doesn’t necessarily mean writing how you speak – although it absolutely can do, and this can be a brilliant and impactful way of writing your poems. It could be about finding a way of writing that feels natural to you, or a tone that feels right – be that questioning, angry, humous, or soothing. The more you write, the more your voice will emerge, and you’ll begin to spot patterns and hallmarks in your work.

Create a tour, not a labyrinth

Some of the fun of reading a poem is getting to the end, sitting back, and really considering what you’ve just read. Finding the meaning, and understanding the poet’s intent, is part of the reading experience, and needing to mull it over for a bit is not a bad thing.

However, if the meaning of your poem is so obscured beneath shadowy hints and misdirections that your average reader can’t figure it out, you’ll have a problem on your hands.

Imagine your poem as a tour of your topic. Rather than creating a labyrinth, full of cryptic twists and turns, you should guide your reader from start to finish. You don’t need to point everything out for them, but you want to invite them to join you on this journey rather than pushing them into a maze. >>> happiful.com | Issue 90 | 47

Consider why this poem needs to be written

Say something worth saying

This tip is less about the topic (you don’t necessarily need to take on mankind’s biggest questions in order for your poem to be worthwhile), and more about perspective and intent. Consider why this poem needs to be written. It may be that you’re writing on a topic that is underexposed. It could be that you want to change the narrative on something. Maybe you do have the answers to life’s biggest questions. Or perhaps you need to get something off your chest and, for you, writing is a therapeutic practice.

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Consider this point at every stage of writing, and once you’ve established your ‘why’, keep it in mind as you write the poem, and when you return to it for revisions.

Be bold

By virtue of writing in a way that is authentic to you, you will be taking the first steps to creating a remarkable poem – something that no one else would be able to do the same way that you do.

Lean into this, embrace it, be proud of it, and be bold.

Whatever you want to say, say it with conviction. Say the things you wish others would, or that you wish they knew about. Say the things that will inspire, impassion, and delight your reader.

Don’t be afraid to take risks with your writing – be that in the topic you chose, or how you go about exploring it – the page is precisely the right place to experiment and try something new. When you put your heart into your writing, you’ll create something worth reading. Be brave and be bold.

You may surprise yourself with what unfolds in ink.

The best writers are great readers.

Head to happiful.com/poetryprize to read the 2024 winning and shortlisted poems, as well as exclusive Q&As with the poets behind them.

relationships

Do I want to be a mother or not?

The great baby debate: why are we still so uncomfortable with some women’s ambivalence towards having children?

Writing | Hannah Beckett-Pratt

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ore than half of women who turned 30 in England and Wales in 2022 do not have children – and that’s a historical record, according to the latest figures from the Office for National Statistics. However, of those women who celebrated their 45th birthdays last year, only one in five were child-free.

This suggests that while the majority of women are having children, we are waiting longer than ever before to begin motherhood.

While there are a variety of reasons underlying these statistics, they correlate with an emergent theme in my clinical work, as a relational transactional analysis counsellor, with millennial and gen-Z women: a paralysing uncertainty about whether they want to become mothers.

Women often carry a deep shame about this ambivalence,

which is usually compounded by judgement of their womanhood, and a lack of understanding from others.

WHAT IS MOTHERHOOD AMBIVALENCE? The term ‘ambivalence’ refers to having contradictory feelings or ideas. Part of therapy is about accepting ambivalence, and recognising that it is human and completely normal to feel different things at the same time.

Ambivalence often results in indecision, because we become unsure of which feeling to trust and we get stuck. If our uncertainty is treated as unusual or unnatural, we can easily wind up confused, self-critical, and ashamed.

This is the experience of many women when it comes to ambivalence around motherhood.

Despite the increasing conversation around choosing

to be child-free, not knowing whether you want to have children remains largely unspoken.

The ‘forever or never’ nature of motherhood, and the biological clock, only serve to increase the sense of panic and pressure that ambivalent women feel.

A better societal understanding of how ambivalence arises, and why it is more commonly felt by women today, can help us view indecision around motherhood as a normal developmental stage in a woman’s life, regardless of her resulting choice.

CAN WE MAKE SENSE OF MOTHERHOOD AMBIVALENCE? Human societies have evolved in a way that makes motherhood the central task of women’s lives.

There are many complex reasons for this, hailing from evolutionary perspectives, patriarchal, and pronatalist systems. >>> happiful.com | Issue 90 | 49

Hannah Beckett-Pratt is a relational transactional analysis counsellor. Visit the Counselling Directory to discover more.

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This social conditioning means that, as we grow up, we often hold the same belief – that to be a woman is to be fulfilled by motherhood. Conversely, we also live in a time where the challenges of motherhood are more openly discussed and portrayed on social media.

While no longer idealising motherhood has highlighted the need for better support for families, it has also left some women wondering if not having children might be more fulfilling. This conflict between historical roles for women, and our modern reality, has created dissonance surrounding what it means to be female, how women want to spend their lives, and whether or not children fit into those plans.

In line with our social history, the majority of women report growing up assuming they will one day have children. However, many also report a later realisation that this is a collusion with the social norm, rather than an authentic and considered choice for themselves.

As they age, many ambivalent women notice that they don’t relate to a stereotypical maternal identity, or feel a biological urge to conceive.

Some have difficult relationships with their own mothers, and fear that motherhood will entrap or rob them of their identity. While

relationships

some women interpret these as signs to remain child-free, others want to have a child, but struggle with feeling differently to how they have been told they should.

Outdated beliefs that women ‘should’ be mothers clash with our political and economic systems, which repeatedly undermine mothers. Childcare costs, inadequate maternity pay, and lack of flexibility upon returning to work, mean that the majority of mothers struggle with feelings of invisibility and inadequacy, as their ability to contribute to the workforce that drives our society is diminished.

It is a type of social gaslighting when women are encouraged to become mothers, only to see their societal value and support systems decrease when they do.

All this considered, ambivalence around motherhood is inevitable and sensical for today’s women.

Choosing to be a mother is no longer the predetermined purpose we are led to believe, but a choice that is entangled with sociocultural, historical, and political meaning.

Rather than treating ambivalence as strange and unusual, we need to recognise it as a normal developmental aspect of modern-day womanhood. To do so would be to incite social progress by recognising women as more than their reproductive capacity, while honouring the challenging realities of parenting.

FOUR TIPS TO ACCEPT AMBIVALENCE Challenge the shame around ambivalence.

Having children engineers a total life change, and one that really should be fully considered by everyone entering it. Ambivalence is a profoundly meaningful and compassionate process that questions our own needs, and upholds true respect for what it means to be a parent. Seeing your indecision through this lens of compassion can help reframe ambivalence as useful, and reduce feelings of pressure.

Explore it in therapy.

Sometimes, ambivalence arises because of deeper pain that we feel unable to confront. Unresolved trauma, neglect, and abuse in our own childhood, can often produce defences around becoming a parent. It can be liberating to know that, whether you ultimately choose to have children or not, you fully understand the reasoning behind your decision.

Know that all decisions involve loss.

The nature of choice is that we will lose what we do not choose.

If you have a child, you will lose many elements of your lifestyle and sense of self as you currently know it. If you choose not to have children, you will not have an experience that the

majority of the population will, and you will belong to a minority group. Of course, for someone people, there is no element of choice at all. Various reasons, including medical conditions, lifestyle restrictions, unexplained infertility, or political rulings, can take the decision out of your hands.

For those able to choose, both involve incredible gains, but it’s often the loss that frightens us, and keeps us stuck. Working toward acceptance that this is inevitable either way, can help us recognise that there is no right or wrong decision.

Regret is an inevitable part of life.

When we hear others claim that they have no regrets, this is often a defence. Our lives are a collection of choices, and there are always alternative paths we could have taken. It is human nature to wonder how things might have turned out differently, but the truth is that we will never know. After long periods of ambivalence, it is likely that your mind will turn to contemplating ‘what if…’ from time to time.

Just as an elderly person might wonder if they ‘should’ have had children, a new mother might long for the life of independence she once had. Accepting the allure of the unchosen path is part of being human, rather than a sign you’ve made the wrong decision. happiful.com | Issue 90 | 51

Bite-sized break ideas Whether you’ve got five minutes or 30, take your pick of these ideas to give your brain a break when you hit that mid-afternoon slump, and come back refreshed and re-energised

5 minutes

10 minutes

15 minutes ENJOY SOME FRESH AIR

DO A PUZZLE OR BRAIN TRAINING GAME

WATCH OUT THE WINDOW FOLLOW A GUIDED MEDITATION

DOODLE AWAY IN A NOTEPAD

STRETCH IT OUT

READ A BOOK HYDRATE AND GET A HEALTHY SNACK DO A BREATHING EXERCISE TIDY YOUR WORKSPACE OR AREA

DANCE TO YOUR FAVOURITE SONG

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PHONE A FRIEND

deep thinking

Functional freeze vs depression A trauma-informed therapist breaks down what is functional freeze, and why you might be mistaking it for depression Writing | Katie Evans

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rom world events to political unrest, societal expectations and personal pressures, many of us seem to be feeling the burden of countless mounting stressors impacting our daily lives. And with this influx of uncertainty, anxiety, and stress, sometimes it can be a little difficult to place exactly what it is that you are struggling with.

We are all quite aware of depression, and so our first instinct may be that it’s the best explanation for your low mood and low energy, but many people are now experiencing something often described as ‘tired but wired’. This doesn’t quite fit the depression diagnosis, and could actually be a sign of something different.

While you might find that you can carry out the basic functions of life, such as going to work

or school, completing essential tasks, and maintaining core relationships, you can’t seem to shift a feeling that things aren’t quite right. You may feel disconnected from the world, emotionally numb, anxious, and find that the things that would usually bring you joy start to fall by the wayside. If this sounds familiar, then you may be experiencing functional freeze.

What is ‘functional freeze’?

While depression is thought of as a disorder characterised by low mood and a lack of joy or excitement, functional freeze is understood as a response to trauma or ongoing stressors.

It is our mind and body’s way of protecting us from what is perceived to be a threatening or frightening situation. When this continues for a long period of

time, our nervous system can get sort of stuck.

Unlike the more active fightor-flight response, which you’ll likely have heard of before, the freeze response is when we shut down in preparation to deal with the ‘attack’. A person in a freeze state can lose the ability to communicate or act. They may physically change temperature, feel heaviness in the body, and seem, well, frozen. It appears to be completely involuntary, as a different part of the brain takes over and our logical thinking becomes difficult.

Often this defence mechanism is developed if you experience trauma that you cannot get yourself out of, for example, a child who cannot fight back against an abusive parent or leave the home. Instead, the person learns to shut down, which >>>

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Because your brain is ready for danger, you might feel constantly alert and unable to regulate yourself

also comes with disassociation, or mentally checking out and disconnecting for protection.

Usually once the threat or stressor goes away, our nervous system will start to calm, returning from a fear state into a relaxed one. However, if the stressor does not go away quickly and we remain in a state of stress, fear, or overwhelm for a long time, then we can move into functional freeze. While you can still engage in life, you may find that it impacts your work, relationships, and wellbeing. But the positive in all of this is that recognising that what you are feeling is coming from a heightened nervous system, enables you to find ways to soothe it, and begin to move out of this difficult state.

The difference between functional freeze and depression

Being able to identify what you are experiencing is key to getting appropriate treatment and support. When it comes to 54 | Issue 90 | happiful.com

functional freeze and depression, there can be some overlap in symptoms which might make this tricky. These can include: • Wanting to isolate yourself. You feel the desire to shut yourself away, ignore calls or messages, and cancel social plans. It just feels difficult to be around people at the moment.

• Feeling numb. It might be hard to connect with your emotions or place how you really feel about things. What used to bring you joy now doesn’t seem

to interest you as much, and it’s tough to get excited about things.

This is the dissociative part, as you disconnect from yourself.

• A sense of exhaustion. Beyond just your usual tiredness, your body feels a deep exhaustion.

Limbs can seem heavy, which can make it difficult to get out and do physical activity.

You may even experience a lower body temperature and shivering, which is difficult to explain. This could leave you preferring to stay in bed or on the couch.

deep thinking

• A lack of motivation. It can feel like there is just so much to do, and yet finding the motivation to do it is increasingly difficult.

Doing those typical things for your self-care or wellbeing feels too hard to manage, and they may begin to slip. You might lose yourself in procrastination or doing nothing.

• A feeling of hopelessness.

One common experience described in trauma responses is feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. You may feel stuck and unsure how you can ever get out of feeling this way, but there is always hope and talking about this is so important.

In terms of how functional freeze differs from depression, there are some specific signs to watch out for: • Feeling wired. The main difference that people describe is that underneath all of the feelings of exhaustion is a nervous energy and ongoing

anxiety. This can make it very difficult to truly rest and relax.

While it’s hard to get moving, staying still just doesn’t feel comfortable.

• Difficulty focusing. It may seem as though your thoughts are all over the place, and you have a hard time focusing on what you need to do. Your mind can feel as though it’s racing, and getting a clear picture of things can be a challenge.

• Constant alertness. Because your brain is ready for danger, you might feel constantly alert and unable to regulate yourself.

Your senses, such as hearing, can become heightened, leading to overstimulation, and you may have a feeling of ongoing risk or impending danger. This state of arousal can become uncomfortable.

How to address and overcome functional freeze

While it may feel difficult at the time, there are ways to move forward once you identify a freeze response. And although it can seem counterproductive when you already feel stuck, calming is absolutely key. The following things can help soothe a heightened nervous system and reconnect with the world: 1. Spend time in nature. Go for walks, get in the garden, or swim in cool water. Regain your sense of self in the world.

2. Enjoy light exercise. Yoga and stretching have been found to be incredibly helpful for easing trauma, and drawing awareness back into the body.

Katie Evans is a trauma-informed therapist working online from Liverpool. Reach out via her profile on the Counselling Directory.

3. Focus on your breathing.

Regulating your breath lets your brain know it can relax.

Breathing in for four, holding for four, and breathing out for eight can be a simple yet effective way to help with regulation.

4. Try mindfulness and meditation. Slow down and connect with the present moment, as trauma responses often hold us in the past. Use a guided meditation, or simply sit and draw awareness to what you can touch, see, hear, and also smell.

5. Sing. Play your favourite song and let it all out. Singing with a group, or at a gig, has been found to be even better than solo, as it also builds a sense of connection.

Professional support can always be beneficial, too. Whether it’s a result of ongoing stress in your daily life, or a response to previous life experiences, talking to a trauma-informed therapist can help. They can support you and assist in gaining understanding of the root cause, so that you can begin to move forward and live life out of a functional freeze state. happiful.com | Issue 90 | 55

The power of moral support

Discover how impactful this often underestimated tool can be, and ways you can ensure that you show up in someone’s corner

I

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a small act of kindness that I still remember years later.

Moral support goes beyond asking “How are you?” It’s about being a steady presence during life’s storms, acknowledging someone’s struggles, and offering a safe space for them to express their anxieties and fears. It’s about stepping outside of yourself and offering a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or a helping hand.

The art of active listening

Often, the best way to offer moral support is to simply be a good listener. This means putting away distractions, fully tuning into their words and silences, and letting them know that you are truly there for them. Here are some ways to actively listen: • Maintain eye contact and offer non-verbal cues like a nod or a gentle hand on their shoulder.

• Avoid interrupting or contributing unsolicited advice.

Sometimes, people just need to vent without being offered a solution.

NLP

Nikita is a multifaceted teacher, mentor, and coach, combining transformative modalities to support people to find their life purpose. Visit the Therapy Directory for more.

• Ask open-ended questions that encourage them to express their feelings.

• Reflect on what they have said to ensure you understand their perspective.

Tailoring your support

Not everyone expresses their needs in the same way. Some people appreciate distractions and light-hearted conversations, while others crave quiet companionship during a difficult time. In order to best understand this, you can simply ask. Alternatively, pay attention to the person in question’s cues and offer support in a way that feels comfortable for them. In practical terms, this might look like: • For the person who needs a distraction: Offer to watch a

Portrait | Julia Morris

n today’s fast-paced world, we often prioritise physical health and tangible resources. Yet, when life throws us curveballs, it’s the quiet strength of moral support that can truly make a difference.

In my 20s, I went through a health scare, and while frequent hospital appointments weren’t exactly ‘fun outings’, the simple act of having family members or close friends offer to accompany me meant the world. We would turn these stressful visits into opportunities to connect, often grabbing a coffee or lunch afterwards. It wasn’t just about them being physically present, but about showing their emotional and moral support.

As I’ve grown older and more independent, the frequency of offered support seems to have dwindled. However, one instance stands out in my memory. During a scorching heatwave, and stressed out with a looming deadline, a client surprised me with an iced coffee! This seemingly simple gesture was a powerful reminder that someone was thinking of me;

NIKITA THAKRAR

EXPERT COLUMN • Small gestures can have a big impact: Moral support doesn’t require grand gestures. A thoughtful text or phone call to check in on how they are doing, a care package of their favourite snacks, a bouquet of flowers, or even a handwritten note expressing your care, can make a big difference to a family member or friend’s wellbeing. Feeling like you’re not alone in whatever you’re going through – whether that’s a stressful health situation, upheaval in your personal life, or embarking on a new adventure – can be invaluable.

• Creating a ripple effect: By offering authentic and compassionate moral support, we contribute to a ripple effect of kindness. This simple act can not only uplift those in need, but also foster a stronger sense of community and connection. So starting that chain reaction can only be a positive – you never know how far your positive impact could reach.

funny movie, or take them for a walk in nature.

• For the person who needs quiet company: Sit with them in silence, offering a hot drink and a safe space for them to explore their emotions.

• For the person who needs practical help: Offer to run errands, cook a meal, or help with childcare.

A few other key considerations include: • Respecting boundaries: While moral support is important, it’s equally crucial to respect boundaries. Don’t be pushy or intrusive. If someone seems overwhelmed by your attempts to help, give them space, but let them know you’re still there for them if needed.

Moral support strengthens our emotional resilience. It shows those we care about that they are not alone, and that someone is there to catch them if they fall. Through the hard times and the good, knowing that you have a cheerleader, someone to turn to, someone who cares about you regardless of what is going on, shouldn’t be underestimated. So, the next time you see someone struggling, consider offering a hand, a listening ear, or even just a cup of coffee. You might be surprised at the profound impact that simply your presence can have. happiful.com | Issue 90 | 57

Seasonal nourishment Embrace the autumn feel with this comforting, spiced pumpkin soup Writing | Hilary Abbott

A

s the days grow shorter and the air turns crisp, our bodies naturally crave warming, comforting foods to stave off the chill and nourish our spirits. Autumn is a season of abundance, offering a wealth of nutritious ingredients that can be transformed into hearty, health-boosting meals.

Embracing seasonal foods not only aligns our diets with nature, but also ensures we benefit from the freshest, tastiest, most nutrient-dense produce. One of my favourite

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autumn foods is pumpkin. This vibrant-coloured and versatile ingredient is perfect for cooking a warming batch of spiced pumpkin soup. The following recipe is a powerhouse of plant goodness to nourish your body.

I like to cook this in bulk, so I have nourishing food to grab and go through my busy week.

It also freezes well to save for a day when you don’t have the time or inclination to cook. As a bonus, this recipe also works with butternut squash as an alternative, if you want to mix things up.

Spiced pumpkin soup Serves 4-6

Ingredients • 1 pumpkin (or large butternut squash) • 2 tbsp olive oil • Salt and pepper • 1 tbsp ground cumin • 1 tbsp ground coriander • 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon • 1 tsp ground turmeric • 1 large onion, chopped • 2 cloves garlic, minced • 1/4 tsp dried chilli flakes • 1 tbsp fresh ginger, grated

food & health

• 2 carrots, chopped • 1 apple, peeled and chopped • Approximately 1 litre of vegetable stock • 1 can (14 ounces) coconut milk • Fresh parsley or coriander • Pumpkin seeds

Method 1. Preheat your oven to 220oC. Depending on the size and type of pumpkin, cut in half, scoop out the seeds, and roughly cut into 8 pieces, leaving the skin on.

2. Arrange the pieces on a lined baking tray and drizzle with olive oil, generously seasoning with salt and pepper.

3. Put the dry spices together in a bowl, and then sprinkle half over the top and rub into the flesh of the pumpkin.

4. Roast in the oven for about 40 minutes until tender and caramelised. When cool enough to handle, scoop out the flesh and set aside.

5. Heat the olive oil in a large pot, over medium heat. Add the chopped onion and cook until translucent, for about 5 minutes.

6. Add garlic, chilli, ginger and the remaining dry spices.

Stir in, cooking for another minute until fragrant.

7. Add the pumpkin, chopped carrots, and apple to the pot. Stir to combine all ingredients.

8. Pour in the vegetable stock so the vegetables are all submerged in liquid. You may need to top it up with water, and then bring it to a boil.

Reduce the heat to a simmer and cook until the vegetables are tender (about 20–25 mins).

9. Using an immersion blender, puree the soup until smooth.

Alternatively, transfer the soup in batches to a blender and blend until smooth, returning it to the pot after.

10. Stir in the coconut milk and season with salt and pepper to taste. Allow the soup to heat through but do not let it boil.

11. Ladle the soup into bowls and garnish with fresh parsley or coriander and pumpkin seeds.

The healthy bit

Pumpkin is rich in vitamins A and C, and is excellent at boosting your immune system, which is particularly important as we head into cold and flu season. Its high fibre content aids digestion, and helps to keep you feeling full and satisfied. Carrots are packed with beta-carotene, which the body converts to vitamin A – crucial for good vision and a healthy immune system. They also provide a significant number of antioxidants, which help fight off free radicals in the body.

Apples are high in fibre and vitamin C, and add a touch of natural sweetness. They also contain polyphenols, which have numerous health benefits, including improved gut health, and reduced risk of heart disease.

Both ginger and garlic are renowned for their antiinflammatory and immuneboosting properties. Garlic has

also been found to reduce the severity of illnesses like the flu and common cold, while ginger can help with digestion and reduce nausea.

Spices such as coriander, cumin, cinnamon, and turmeric not only add depth and warmth to the soup, but also come with health benefits. Cumin and coriander aid in digestion and have antimicrobial properties.

Cinnamon helps regulate blood sugar levels, and is rich in antioxidants, while turmeric has anti-inflammatory properties.

Chilli contains the chemical compound capsaicin, which some studies have found to reduce LDL cholesterol. With antimicrobial and antibacterial properties, this chemical compound has uses in treating arthritic pain and sore muscles.

Coconut milk is a dairy-free alternative, that adds a creamy texture, is rich in healthy fats, and can help improve cholesterol levels. Plus the pumpkin seeds add a delicious crunch, in addition to being a great source of protein, healthy fat, fibre, and antioxidant polyphenols.

This autumn, as you cosy up with a warm bowl of nourishing pumpkin soup, you’ll not only be treating your taste buds but also giving your body a nutritious boost. Enjoy the flavours of the season and the comfort that comes from eating well.

Hilary Abbott is a nutrition and health coach specialising in whole foods plant based nutrition. Visit the Nutritionist Resource. happiful.com | Issue 90 | 59

Am I good enough?

Yes, I am Michelle Obama

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positive pointers

flex FIND YOUR

What happens when you let go of rigid plans and inject some last-minute thinking into your life?

Writing | Jo Dunbar

W

ork. Home life. Parenting.

Obligations. Hobbies.

Chores. Routine. Often, we have zero room to manoeuvre in our diaries, with dozens of things to navigate. The benefits of spending time with pals, and the dopamine hit this can deliver, can’t be challenged. Socialising is a self-care measure, but it’s often one we don’t make a priority, as ordinary life and mandatory tasks take over.

Trying to shoehorn in a social life, whether you are busy thanks to family responsibilities, or a

demanding career, means we find ourselves scheduling our friendships, sometimes months in advance. But is it possible to loosen our grip on our diaries and see where that takes us?

Dr Claire Price is a chartered clinical psychologist. She explains that it’s very common to live our lives within strict timetables, but we also should try to make space for new experiences, or to cultivate relationships: “It is important to be able to move away from strict routines at times, to take up new or fun opportunities that

may come our way. These are things that really give our lives meaning.”

If you’re usually a committed planner, Dr Price recommends using this skill to make space for fun: “Schedule in flexible time. This might sound counterintuitive, but without free time, busy life takes over and other commitments trump. We can often find ourselves on the treadmill of day-to-day life; having boundaried free time ensures you can take up an opportunity, like seeing a friend when they text.” >>> happiful.com | Issue 90 | 61

Why ‘no’ can also be a flex

Being more flexible and welcoming social opportunities into your life doesn’t mean you have to say ‘yes’ to every single thing that comes your way. It can also be declining invitations, or turning down opportunities you aren’t really excited about, or that don’t align with your values, in order to better preserve your social battery for the things and people you really do want to spend time and energy on! That way, you can not only protect space in your calendar for unexpected fun, but also ensure when the opportunity arises, you have the energy to enjoy yourself, too.

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positive pointers

The cult of perfection is evident now more than ever, thanks to constant images bombarding us via social media platforms. Dr Price reminds us to not believe everything we see on Instagram, Facebook, or TikTok. “We know the images captured on social media are far from reality. Aim to let go of the idea of perfection. The want for things to be perfect requires a great deal of preparation and mental energy; this can be draining and puts us off doing them.”

By remembering that our social lives don’t need to be curated moments uploaded to social media, we can lose some pressure and, instead, enjoy interactions for what they are and how they make us feel.

All too often we have full control over our plans. But by allowing in some flexibility, you’re giving space to welcome opportunities that you may not have had otherwise. Dr Price tells us to be brave, and occasionally ignore the alerts pinging from our calendars.

“It is human nature to want to feel in control,” Dr Price says.

“To be flexible means letting go of this desire somewhat, which can provoke anxiety. Ask yourself

‘What is the worst that can happen?’ Usually, the things we worry about don’t happen.”

I had my own experience of this. When asked if I could make a pub quiz in five days’ time, I ignored my instincts and said yes. Instead of thinking about how tired I might be on a Friday evening, and my plans for a busy Saturday, I took the opportunity.

I had a great evening, spent time with friends I hardly ever get the chance to chat meaningfully to, and our team even swept to victory at the quiz!

Sometimes the experiences which mean the most to us don’t present themselves in our everyday lives. This could be anything from seeing a play on tour, to taking up a new sport. We have to seek these opportunities out, and that means allowing ourselves to be flexible enough to make them happen.

To get these perks, Dr Price suggests we keep in mind what we hold dear. “When an offer or opportunity presents itself, ask yourself: ‘What is important to me?’ And check in with your value set. Examples of common values are things like having family time, self-improvement, being fit and healthy, showing

Dr Claire Price is a chartered principal clinical psychologist. Get in touch via the Counselling Directory.

kindness, or learning new things. These give us a sense of achievement and purpose, but usually they happen outside of our routine, so they require flexibility.”

I’ve seen an equally busy friend twice recently, each time arranged hastily just a couple of hours beforehand. We love spending time together, and both get so much out of reconnecting, but it doesn’t happen often.

Usually, we have to coordinate calendars, negotiating between kids’ sports fixtures and social obligations. Instead, I sent a no pressure text, and she was able to nudge a meeting. Hey presto! A quick coffee and a catch up.

It’s possible to go through life ticking off the demands placed on us, and doing what is expected of us. But to find spots of joy, catch up with our nearest and dearest, or to enjoy new experiences, we can’t simply be slaves to our schedules. Learning how to engineer some flexibility might bring more rewards, memories, and laughs than a jam-packed diary ever could. happiful.com | Issue 90 | 63

5 ways t o m a ke the great outdoors p a r t o f yo u r d ay at the office Stuck behind a desk from 9 to 5?

Here’s some fresh ideas on how to get outdoors during a typical working day…

Writing | Kerry Law

P

icture a typical office setting and you’re likely to think of rows of desks, bathed in strip lighting with lots (and lots) of screens.

Spending eight hours couped up in this uninspiring environment can often leave us stressed, lethargic, and even resentful of our jobs.

As human beings, we thrive in natural environments. Study after study has proved that exposure to green spaces (parks, gardens), blue spaces (pools, the ocean), and particularly, as a King’s College London study found, a combination of the two (canals, lakes, rivers), can improve our wellbeing by reducing stress and anxiety, and boosting mood and brain function. This is hugely beneficial for working life – so instead of shutting ourselves inside from nine until five, how can we incorporate the great outdoors into a regular office day?

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“The productive-at-desk view is still strong, and is born out of a command-and-control management style, but society has moved on,” explains wellbeing consultant and founder of Bamboo Mental Health, Tom Oxley. He believes that by persuading your boss there are countless benefits to working outdoors now and then, you can help shift this desk-bound culture. “There’s a performance case here for planning, problemsolving, and creativity. When we’re exposed to natural environments, compared to the stale environment of an office, we’re less restricted and more productive.

“Nature clears the mind and cools the brain for better decisions, natural light wakes us up, and we’re designed to move instead of sitting down all day, so it helps manage ergonomic problems, too,” he adds.

With that in mind, here are five ways to make the outdoors part of

your daily routine at the office (including two for when you really can’t escape your desk before home time).

Take a walk when in need of ideas and solutions

Adding a brief walk or two into your day at the office is an easy way to prolong the time spent outside. But don’t limit your walks to break times, they’re beneficial during work time too.

A study by Stanford University discovered that, compared to sitting down, creative thinking improves by 60% while we walk, and continues for a short time afterwards. So, leave your desk and take a walk around the block the next time you need to produce fresh ideas or solve a difficult problem.

Hold meetings on the move Meetings with others take on a whole different feel when

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you’re outside on a walk. Without meeting room chairs to slouch in, it’s surprising how efficient a meeting can be. Walking meetings can also encourage more openness and honesty. Tom agrees they can be particularly helpful for more sensitive encounters, adding: “Outside is often a private place for conversation – we can swear or allow tears away from the prying eyes of colleagues. Walking also allows us to process cortisol and adrenaline by stomping out our frustrations.”

Stare at the sky

Staring at a vast expanse of sky isn’t just good for screen-tired eyes, it can give you mental space, too. In fact, sky gazing is found to be an extremely simple way to regulate your emotions and reduce stress.

Skychology, a method developed by coaching psychologist Paul Conway, involves observing the sky for at least 60 seconds, while breathing deeply. His research found it to be instantly calming, helping us achieve clarity and perspective, and experience a sense of awe, which promotes prosocial behaviours. You could practise this technique in the park on your lunch break (simply lie back and watch the clouds), or even through your office window when you need a quick fix.

And for those times when you really can’t escape your desk…

Listen to nature, virtually

Transport yourself to the beach or a countryside meadow by plugging in your headphones and listening to a playlist or meditation app of natural sounds. Numerous studies have found that listening to the sounds

of nature, such as ocean waves or birdsong, can enhance our wellbeing, even if it’s a recording.

As an example, a 2020 study

by California Polytechnic State University found that when hikers heard recordings of birdsong via speakers placed along a trail, they reported a marked improvement in wellbeing after listening for just seven to 10 minutes.

Another study, commissioned by the National Trust from 2019, discovered that listening to woodland sounds, such as the rustling of leaves, was even 30% better at increasing feelings of relaxation than a voiced meditation app.

Bring the outdoors in

If you clear away the coffee mugs and stash your stationery in the drawer, your desk has

plenty of space for more natural accessories. Pot plants are an easy way to add some welcome greenery to your workspace – in fact, a University of Exeter study concluded that having plants in the office boosted workplace wellbeing by 47%, along with increasing creativity 45%, and productivity 38%.

You might also want to consider adding other tactile objects such as pebbles from a memorable beach trip, or pinecones from your favourite woodland. Tom Oxley says: “I have stones in my pockets that when I feel them, I remember collecting them while larking about with my daughter.

I also have sand in the pocket of my backpack, so when I see it I’m taken back to that summer. I may be at work, but no one knows I’m 5% on holiday…” happiful.com | Issue 90 | 65

Happiful recommends

From an unusual exercise tip, to an app helping you to master your emotions, supercharge your wellbeing with this issue’s recommendations Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

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Thank our NHS workers With the ever-growing pressures faced by NHS staff, it’s more important than ever to show our gratitude for them working tirelessly day and night to support us. If you wish to give back, you can donate either £5 to buy a hospital worker a tasty lunch, or £3 for a cup of tea or coffee. (Find out more at royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk)

1

PAGE-TURNERS 15-minute Art Watercolour: Learn to Paint in Six Steps or Less by Jola Sopek If you’re someone who enjoys painting, but struggles to find the time for it in your everyday life, this book could be your artistic inspiration. Master of watercolour, Jola Sopek, has put together an imaginative guide of fun projects that can be completed in just 15 minutes, helping you to make space for creativity each day.

(Out now, £16.99)

2

ACT OF KINDNESS

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LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Sunday Scaries by Headspace’ Do you feel a sense of dread when Sunday arrives, making it difficult to enjoy your day as you worry about everything you need to accomplish in the week ahead?

If this is something you can relate to, Headspace has a podcast series full of guidance and mini-meditations to reframe your thinking and ground those anxious thoughts.

(Available on all podcast platforms)

OUT AND ABOUT

Visit a place that’s meaningful to you Close your eyes and think back to that special place from your childhood that filled your heart with endless joy and cherished memories. Where does your mind drift? Whether it’s a local park or a sun-soaked adventure by the coast, take a trip down memory lane and let nostalgia be the compass that guides you.

66 | Issue 90 | happiful.com

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PLUGGED-IN

Kindness Ceo These heartwarming videos have one simple motive: to spread kindness.

Each clip offers a glimpse into the world of a TikTok creator dedicated to brightening people’s day by handing out thoughtful notes to unsuspecting strangers.

(Follow at @kindnessceo)

culture

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LESSON LEARNED

Empower yourself with wildlife knowledge They say knowledge is power, and this is certainly true when it comes to protecting wildlife. At WWF, you’ll find a wealth of information about some of the some of the iconic endangered animals facing the risk of extinction, and learn about why these species are vital to our ecosystems.

(Find out more at wwf.org.uk)

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SQUARE EYES

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TECH TIP-OFFS

Ahead Dubbed as the ‘Duolingo for emotional intelligence’, this app is your gateway to a deeper understanding of your emotions, for a more balanced and fulfilled life. Whether you’re seeking support on resolving conflicts, or looking to boost your confidence, you can take charge of changing your habits with help of brilliant behaviour scientists. (Available on all app platforms)

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GET GOING

Try backwards walking Who knew that taking a step back could actually propel us forwards in health? According to research, including multiple studies by Janet S Dufek from the University of Nevada, walking in reverse can do wonders for both our body and mind, including helping to reduce back pain and improve mobility, as well as sharpening our memory and problem-solving skills.

Christopher Robin As Christopher Robin navigates the challenges of adulthood, his imagination begins to slip away. Fortunately, his cherished friends, Winnie-the-Pooh and the gang, come to his rescue to remind him of the art of rediscovering life’s simple joys. A family favourite with meaningful lessons at the heart of it, every adult could learn a thing or two from this timeless story. (Watch on Disney+)

WIN A LINO PRINTING KIT

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Cerulean is a shade of which colour... a) Yellow b) Green c) Blue

TREAT YOURSELF

Lino printing kit by Catherine Carmyllie Discover the exciting world of lino printing with this fantastic beginner’s kit, and start creating bold and beautiful artwork for your home or personalised prints. Simply carve out your design into a piece of material called linoleum, slather on some ink, and use it as a stamp to bring your masterpiece to life on paper. (£30, cosycraft.club)

For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com

*Competition closes 30 November 2024. UK and Northern Ireland only.

T&Cs apply. Good luck! happiful.com | Issue 90 | 67

Take 5

Soak up a serene moment as you focus on this linguistic puzzle

Codebreaker

How di do? V d you isit ‘Freeb ies’ se the ction shop. o h to fin appiful.co n d the m a and m nswers, ore!

Can you decipher this crossword with no clues? This is a game of logic, using every letter of the alphabet at least once, with each letter represented by a number on the grid. Uncover a letter at a time to reveal more answers across the board.

Hint: Think books

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food & health

The culinary ‘zone out’ A creative way to embrace a slower pace, cooking can be a wonderful salve for a busy brain – providing solace in an often hectic and demanding world. Are you ready to unleash the mental health benefits of stepping into the culinary zone out?

Writing | Lara Green

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ooking at home is so much more than simply putting a meal on the table. The rhythmic motions of chopping and dicing, the bubbling of a broth, the pops of food in the pan, and the aromas that fill the kitchen, create a wonderful sensory experience that boosts our self-belief and creativity.

Add an audiobook, podcast, or some music into the mix, and the capacity to zone out increases two-fold. But, can poring over pasta and finessing flatbreads really improve our mental health?

Cooking up something special for your wellbeing We only need to look back to the Covid-19 lockdown to see the

abundant positives that cooking provides. As the doors closed on us, we moved to the kitchen where we embraced new recipes, took on the challenge of sourdough bread, and delved into the delicate folds of homemade pasta. Those small daily movements calmed intrusive thoughts and provided solace, joy, and connection in a world that seemed unwaveringly disconnected.

And cooking as a form of connection is very much alive and kicking. Step into workplaces, schools, prisons, and community groups, and you’ll find examples of ‘culinary therapy’ in action.

The simple acts of stirring and chopping quietly foster patience, dignity, mindfulness, self-belief, purpose, and creativity.

It’s thought to be due to the ‘flow state’ (a phrase coined by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi) or ‘zone out’ space that we move into when engaged in activities that require our attention, where our focus is fully absorbed by the task at hand. A 2016 study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that people who engage in creative pursuits appear to lead happier lives – most likely because these types of activities require us to live in the moment.

Like dancing, sport, or crafts, cooking is a mindful activity that requires us to be fully immersed, which can actively shift negative thoughts and dull anxiety. >>> happiful.com | Issue 90 | 69

It’s worth noting that ‘flow states’ are often also associated with neurodivergent people, such as those with ADHD and on the autism spectrum, but it’s believed that entering and embracing these flow states for any individual can be beneficial in allowing them to gain a deeper knowledge and develop skills in certain areas.

And that’s before we even get to the great reveal – the dopamineboosting moment of placing food on the table, which is always a guaranteed mood maximiser!

If you’re not a natural in the kitchen, you needn’t worry, 70 | Issue 90 | happiful.com

because it’s the processes – the movements, sounds, smells, and tastes – that provide the real benefit. Whether you’re a fermenting maestro, or simply trying to crack your finest roast potatoes, it’s the journey of exploration that presents the wins, and unleashes those feelgood human emotions.

Ready to roll your sleeves up and start? Here are six ways to embrace the culinary zone out and foster a deeper and more meaningful relationship with ingredients, food, yourself, and, consequently, the people who you really love.

Mindful listening Cooking with a podcast, playlist, or audiobook is a powerful way to deepen the flow state – bringing more value to your ‘me time’.

Search for new pods, stories, and tunes that empower and uplift you as you chop, knead, and steam. It’s a nice idea to pair your listening choices to your menu, too! A romantic novel set in the Tuscan hills to accompany a seafood linguine, for example. Or funky Latino sounds as you squeeze limes, chop salsa, and master a marinade for Mexican night…

There’s a lot of exploratory fun to be had as you prep.

Work with the seasons Cooking seasonally can be deeply satisfying. Not only do we get to enjoy food that is brighter, tastier, and more nutritious, we embark on a journey of discovery that connects us to the land and the farming communities that nurture it. Collecting blackberries from hedgerows, heading to a PYO farm in search of pumpkins, carrots, leeks, and apples, foraging for mushrooms, and sharing autumnal recipes with friends – all of these things provide food for the soul, and offer a chance to slow down and gain a real appreciation for food.

Make it social Whether you’re cooking for loved ones, friends, or the local book club, food is a great excuse to get social and bring people together around the table. Why not invite people to come and cook with you, so you can chat as you chop your way towards something delicious? Or set the table for a fun themed menu with a dress code to match. Whatever the memo, cooking is a powerful way to improve mood, strengthen bonds, and lift each other up in a relaxed, informal and caring space.

Those small daily movements calmed intrusive thoughts and provided solace, joy, and connection in a world that seemed unwaveringly disconnected An eye on health Cooking healthy meals is the ultimate expression of self-care.

Understanding the benefits of spices, herbs, and ingredients, and how they play a role in your recipes, is an empowering journey of discovery that can have a positive knock-on effect for health and wellbeing. Take your time to research and experiment with ingredients; read cookbooks, chat to fellow food enthusiasts, and test out new recipes to see what you enjoy. It’s all part of a mindful approach to cooking that works hand in hand with seasonal eating.

Set the table Setting the table (or tablescaping as it’s often referred to) can transform the simple act of eating into a magical, memory-making moment. Pick wildflowers from the garden, and make them

into handmade posies for the dinner plates. Foraging for table accessories presents a wonderful way to lean into nature, and enjoy some extra sensory benefits, too.

Oranges, greens, and yellows are in abundance in autumn, and provide a mystical backdrop for foods like pumpkin risotto, and sage and squash tortellini.

Experiment, be bold, and unleash your inner creativity! The love you put into the process will be felt by everyone around the table.

Step outside your comfort zone It’s important to remember that recipes are really just ‘guides’.

As you gain confidence, you can put your own spin on favourite dishes, or go one step further and create your own. Autumn is a vibrant backdrop for some amazing seasonal ingredients that are fun, nutritious, and rewarding to cook with. And it’s here – in the culinary zone out – where you can find creative expression and a sense of achievement.

Lara Green is a writer, recipe creator and sourdough bread teacher. Follow her on Instagram @_fromthegreenkitchen happiful.com | Issue 90 | 71

Blackberry banana bread Harvest a hedgerow, and find some fruit to bake this twist on a traditional banana bread Serves: 4–6 Prep: 20 mins Bake: 1 hour

Ingredients

• 4 bananas (ideally brown) • 250g caster sugar • 125g slightly salted butter • Vanilla extract • 2 large eggs • 250g plain flour • 3 tsp baking powder • 150g of blackberries (reserve a few for the top for decoration)

Method

• Preheat your oven to 160oC/140oC fan.

• Line your loaf tin with baking parchment.

• On a plate, mash your peeled bananas with a fork to create a mushy paste.

• In a bowl, mix together the sugar and butter until combined.

• Add in your mashed bananas, along with a few drops of vanilla extract, and mix.

• Add in the eggs, one at a time, and mix.

• Fold in the flour and baking powder gently – be sure not to over mix this stage.

• Finally, fold in your blackberries as gently as possible to avoid them squashing too much!

• Spoon your batter into the loaf tin. If you want, scatter a few blackberries along the top for extra decoration, and bake in the oven for 50–60 minutes.

• Use a fork or skewer to poke through the centre of the loaf to test if it’s cooked throughout – if the utensil comes out clean it should be ready. If not, it may need a little longer to bake.

• When baked, take out the oven, and leave to cool.

• Serve and enjoy!

Store and eat within three days at room temperature, or freeze and enjoy within three months.

TIPS FOR FORAGING YOUR OWN BLACKBERRIES AUGUST, SEPTEMBER, OR EARLY OCTOBER CHECK BUSHES BOTH HIGH AND LOW FOR YOUR FRUIT. DON’T OVERPICK – LEAVE PLENTY FOR WILDLIFE. WASH YOUR BERRIES BEFORE EATING THEM. WATCH OUT FOR NETTLES AND THORNS!

72 | Issue 90 | happiful.com

H A N D L I N G H A I R L O S S

deep thinknig

H A N D L I N G

H A I R

L O S S

What’s the impact of losing a feature that is so tied up in our identity, and how can we move on, mentally and emotionally, from the surprisingly common experience of losing our hair?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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H

air is everything. We wish it wasn’t, so we could actually think about something else occasionally, but it is.” It’s a line from the multiaward-winning TV show Fleabag – acclaimed for its astute, moving, and understated power – and the oft-quoted hair speech is one that’s right on the money.

Our hair plays a huge role in our identity. Tied up in gender expression, personal style, age, and self-image, rightly or wrongly, our hair is often used to communicate something about us to others. So, where are we left when we lose it?

Hair loss can happen for a range of reasons, including

male pattern baldness, illnesses such as alopecia, side-effects of medication, infections, diseases, diet, age, hormonal changes, and stress. According to the American Hair Loss Association, by the age of 50, around 85% of all men will experience some form of male pattern baldness and, as shared in a Harvard Health Publishing >>> happiful.com | Issue 90 | 73

Hair loss and mental h e alth a re l i n ke d so closely, because it is s o o u t o f t h e c l i e n t 's c o n t ro l , a n d y e t i t 's happening to them

Dawn Hosmer is a personcentred psychotherapeutic counsellor. Visit the Counselling Directory for more insight.

74 | Issue 90 | happiful.com

article, about one-third of women will experience hair loss at some point in their lives. It’s fair to say that this is a very common issue, and yet the impact of it can still be immense, as many have found out first-hand.

“I was around 21 years old when a friend at work pointed out my crown was starting thin, while cutting my hair,” says Jake Jones.

“It wasn’t too bad at the time, and I thought it would be a fairly gradual process over the next 10– 15 years but, boy, was I wrong!”

Jake experimented with products designed to prevent further thinning but, two and a half years later, he was in the shower when he noticed clumps of his hair were blocking the drain. “A moment of sheer panic and doom came over me,” he recalls. “I jumped out and looked in the mirror to find my thin crown was now no crown, and was pretty much a bald spot.

“I thought about transplants, but didn’t want to go down that route.

I decided to just keep it tied up, or I wouldn’t leave the house without a cap or beanie. If for any reason I had to take my cap off, I would always make the first joke about the bald spot as a slight defence mechanism. I couldn’t enjoy being in public without my sacred cap.

If I went to a restaurant, I would be more bothered about who was in the eye line of my crown than what was on my plate. Nights out were a nightmare, as one hug from a friend could move the perfectly positioned placement of hair that was glued in place, and expose the dreaded patch. It had a huge knock-on effect on my mental health and confidence,

deep thinknig

and I felt trapped in a cap that could never come off in public.”

That sense of self-consciousness and shame was something felt by Nosheen Choudhry, too.

“My hair loss started after sudden, unhealthy, fast weight loss,” she says. “I remember my hair fall increasing every month, and it seemed to be getting worse.

By six months, I had lost 50% of my hair. At first, I felt ashamed and kept it very secretive. I refused to socialise with friends, and avoided gatherings as I felt ashamed of my image. I spent most of my time in my room alone, not wanting to carry out daily tasks in life or wanting to speak to anyone.”

For Dawn Hosmer, both these reactions are familiar. Dawn now works as a counsellor, but originally trained as a hair and make-up artist in the 80s. “My mother died of lung cancer in 2004, and had refused chemotherapy – the main reason why was because she didn’t want to lose her hair,” Dawn says. “A few years later, I saw a job advertised as a hair loss stylist. I felt drawn to this because of my mother, and I applied, believing that I could make a difference.”

Eventually, Dawn began working with a wig maker who held contracts with the NHS, and needed someone to run the wig clinics in hospitals. “I was the first person most patients saw after their diagnosis, and many were in distress and shock, and very emotional. Some were angry, coming from a place of fear and sadness, but the tension would lessen once they expressed

their emotions, and knew I was there to help and support them through their hair loss journey – explaining what and how it would happen, and their options with wigs and hair pieces.”

Many years later, Dawn was made redundant, and so retrained as a counsellor. But the experience of hair loss is still something that she works closely with. “In my opinion, hair loss and mental health are linked so closely, because it is so out of the client’s control, and yet it’s happening to them,” Dawn explains. “They can feel less attractive and scared – in men, less virile – they lose selfconfidence and esteem, and it affects their self-worth. All this can show up as sadness, anger, and feelings of being ashamed or embarrassed, leading to anxiety and depression. Then this can cause isolation and loneliness. Our identity is ours, and is what helps us celebrate our uniqueness – an element of that is our hair and how we look.”

It took Jake a further two years of living with many of these feelings before something eventually changed for him.

“I decided to bite the bullet and shave it off, and I can honestly say it was one of the most liberating things I could have done,” he says. “No more bald spots, no more worrying in case people see my empty crown, no more stress about keeping the hair in the exact place all day. I was free to go outside without a cap or a beanie. It wasn’t until I didn’t have to worry that I realised how much I worried before.”

And for Nosheen, liberation came from turning to family for support, and working on a way to reach others. “I reached out to my family members, and accepted any help they were willing to offer.

My mum was a huge support to me throughout my hair loss journey. It was her who suggested I try her family hair oil remedy.”

Nosheen went on to develop that recipe into Nosheen Hair Oil, but she also created a 24hour chat available for those who wish to speak about their hair loss in confidence, and discover a safe space to talk about what’s worrying them.

But for those still at the beginning of their journey, Dawn has this advice: “There is help available. Speak to the GP, get a referral to a dermatologist or trichologist, and possibly look into an antidepressant if you are struggling with low mood or anxiety. Get in touch with counsellors, and speak to a few until you find a therapist who you feel comfortable with and who has an understanding of hair loss. Open up about your feelings before they become overwhelming.

“Make appointments at wig clinics to try the available pieces; some are excellent and can help with confidence. If that isn’t for you, look at the options out there, but most of all, don’t believe you are alone. There is a vast community for hair loss; communication is vital.

Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength and self-care. You have the power to take control of your journey.” happiful.com | Issue 90 | 75

Happiful creations Want a bit more Happiful?

Beyond our award-winning monthly magazine, our shop hosts a range of creative items, designed to inspire, engage, entertain, and empower you, including:

Anti-anxiety guided journal Self-reflection guide Reflect & flourish: affirmation cards Winds of change: 3-piece artwork collection Question of thought: puzzle booklet DIY self-care booklet

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From our print journals helping you gain a deeper understanding of your true self, to our digital downloads featuring uplifting sentiments and actionable advice, continue your wellbeing journey with us.

Treat yourself to something Happiful today!

shop.happiful.com/happiful-creations

Happiful reads...

From a hypnotherapy guide, to an inspiring book about the unsung heroes championing our planet, we’re revealing four reads that promise to enrich your mind Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

F

acing a diagnosis, or experiencing a sudden change can be incredibly frightening. But leading disability activist Lucy Edwards offers a reassuring message: there is light, even in the midst of uncertainty and fear.

Blind Not Broken: Your Guide to Turning Loss and Grief Into Happiness

by Lucy Edwards

Part memoir and part selfhelp, Lucy shares her journey of self-acceptance and finding happiness after losing her sight at the age of 17, following the diagnosis of a rare condition called incontinentia pigmenti.

With heartfelt insights and

practical coping strategies, she empowers others who are also grieving a loss, or navigating sudden changes in their lives.

Earth Heroes: Twenty Inspiring Stories of People Saving our World

by Lily Dyu Author Lily Dyu shines a spotlight on 20 unsung champions who are making extraordinary contributions to our planet, and driving meaningful change. While the narrative is tailored for a younger audience, it resonates with anyone passionate about the environment and eager to make a difference.

How to Cope with Almost Anything with Hypnotherapy

by Daniel Fryer As a clinical psychologist, Daniel Fryer understands the profound impact hypnotherapy can have on our wellbeing, and is eager to share his insights. He explains how to apply hypnotherapy strategies to enhance our daily lives – from easing stress to overcoming bad habits, and achieving a good night’s sleep – accompanied by 23 guided audio sessions.

Must reads Radical Rest: Notes on Burnout, Healing and Hopeful Futures by Evie Muir Activist and writer Evie Muir redefines burnout as being a social justice issue, and sets out to explore what the world would look like, and how it would feel, if we achieved radical rest.

Evie takes her readers through her ongoing journey of burnout recovery through the lens of a Black feminist, and speaks to those who have been disproportionately affected by burnout.

happiful.com | Issue 90 | 77

How to support your child with school anxiety Pressures in the classroom, playground, and from peer groups, can make school a difficult environment for many young people. Here we offer practical tips to help ease the anguish Writing | Jenna Farmer

I

t’s normal for children to experience worries and nerves, just like adults. But, for some, anxiety – especially around school – can be a bigger problem. While many kids love school, others find it trickier.

For younger kids, school anxiety often manifests as being tearful or clingy, withdrawing at school, or not sleeping well. For older children, it might progress to school avoidance; a 2024 survey by youth mental health charity stem4 found almost three in 10 secondary pupils avoid school because it makes them anxious.

There can be many reasons for this, as counsellor Linzi Littleford explains. “Consider the noisiness and busy-ness of the classroom and playground, feeling unsettled in class, and (for older children) pressure to remember all equipment, timetables, and exam stress. In addition, the fear of not making friends or navigating social scenarios, and every parent’s fear – bullying.”

Whatever the cause, Linzi’s practical solutions to support your child with school anxiety might help.

78 | Issue 90 | happiful.com

VALIDATE THEIR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS How often has ‘You’re fine, don’t be silly!’ been on the tip of your tongue in conversations with your child? While we want to reassure our children, this mustn’t turn into dismissing their feelings altogether.

“It’s so important to validate your child’s feelings, with empathy and support,” says Linzi.

“The goal is for your child to experience you as a safe space.

This could be shown by taking an interest in resolving their concerns, and letting them know that you have a willingness to understand their internal world.”

CHECK-IN REGULARLY WITH THE SCHOOL If you notice a pattern of school anxiety, it can be worth reaching out to your child’s teacher.

“If teachers are aware of how your child is feeling, they’re in a better position to help and observe,” says Linzi. “So check in regularly with your child’s teacher about their day, and request feedback on what they enjoyed or found difficult.”

It can be hard to grab a minute at the school gates, so don’t be afraid to request a formal meeting. “You have a shared goal here: the wellbeing of your child,” explains Linzi. Use this time to create a plan or specific adjustments to support your child. “For example, if the anxiety is regarding friendships, perhaps the school could introduce your child to different social groups.

Keep a written record of what’s been agreed, and suggest a follow-up meeting,” she adds.

CONSIDER AT-HOME BEHAVIOUR, TOO “Sometimes all the worry and stress from the day gets bottled up and then unleashed at home because home, or specifically you, are their safe space. If your child feels safe enough to throw all their anxiety, and anger, at being upset in your direction, they know you will help them make sense of confusing and difficult feelings,” explains Linzi. It’s important to realise this kind of behaviour is not an attack on you, so try not to take it personally.

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PICK YOUR TIME TO CHAT CAREFULLY Try not to bombard your child with questions while driving home, or ask ‘How was your day?’ as soon as they walk through the door. Just like adults need some time to decompress and process, children do too. So, when’s a good time to chat? “Bedtime is often the preferred time for children to talk and open up, especially if they feel safe to do so following a consistent and expected bedtime routine,” explains Linzi.

For younger children, it might be a play session instead.

“Younger children may not have the vocabulary to explain, so meet them in a world of play.

Let your creative side shine through role-play, stories, and games. Perhaps a character is feeling worried about something at school, and together you can create a story on how this character can feel better,” suggests Linzi.

HELP THEM TO PICK A TRANSITIONAL OBJECT A transitional object is something your child takes from home to school, to help with things like separation anxiety. These are common, like a special teddy that younger children are attached to, but can be useful for all ages.

“This object eases separation anxiety from parents, and represents comfort and safety.

There is no age limit on when a child should not need their

Linzi Littleford is a counsellor who uses a psychodynamic approach. Head to the Counselling Directory for more.

special comfort anymore – consider adults who still suck their thumb for comfort, or keep that special teddy tucked away! Schools may differ on their opinion on allowing kids to bring comforts from home, however, you are the advocate for your child here,” says Linzi.

School anxiety is not uncommon, but is understandably a real worry for parents. While some worries can be easily

resolved with the previous tips, trust your instincts when it comes to getting extra help. As Linzi says: “You know your child best, what does your instinct tell you?” Use this to help you decide your next steps.

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who talks about life as a mum with a speech delayed child on her blog mumernity.co.uk and Instagram @mumernity happiful.com | Issue 90 | 79

Life after surgery From navigating recovery to adapting to a new way of living, we explore the mental health impact of life-altering surgery, and the tools you need to keep moving forward Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

“

I

vividly remember being diagnosed with severe ulcerative colitis in 1994, aged 23. Finding out why I was constantly running to the toilet, having rectal bleeding, and in such severe pain daily, was a relief. However, facing an outcome of, ‘If the medication doesn’t work then you’ll need to have stoma surgery,’ wasn’t something I was prepared to hear.

For me, it was too overwhelming to think or talk about ostomy surgery. I was scared and felt so alone. No one understood what I was holding inside.”

Carrie Helman, a psychotherapeutic gestalt counsellor, is reflecting on a very difficult time in her life, and the beginning of her journey navigating life-altering surgery.

Between early 1995 and February 2023, Carrie had a total of 17 bowel and abdominal-related

80 | Issue 90 | happiful.com

surgeries, as well as multiple visits to A&E, four stomas, and two near-death experiences.

Following her initial diagnosis, after a year of taking an array of different medications, Carrie recalls her colorectal surgeon bringing up “the elephant in the room”, AKA the next step: to remove her large bowel, creating an internal pouch, and fashioning a stoma (an opening on the outside of the body via the intestinal tract).

“All I heard was ‘bag I’ll have to poop in for the rest of my life’,” Carrie says. “In that moment, my internal world collapsed – I’d just been told my life as I knew it had ended. I had no one who could understand how I was really feeling, what I needed, and the pain, both physically and mentally, I was dealing with. That was one of the hardest things to get my head around.”

While Carrie felt alone at the time, her experience is shared.

Complex feelings around surgery, even if it is one that promises an overall improvement to your quality of life, are common. In one study into the psychological consequences of surgery, published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine, it was found that although anxiety levels among patients did tend to lessen after surgery, other forms of emotional distress can increase.

In the example that Carrie shares, it’s clear to see how an upheaval in lifestyle following surgery could have an impact, and the study also points to recovery as another factor that can play a significant role in this link.

The kicker is, not only is this distress difficult to handle as it is, but multiple studies, including one published in Annals of Surgery, found that depression was a

risk factor for slower recovery.

Another, published in PubMed Central, found depression can increase the perception of postoperative pain.

“For me, and others like me, the thoughts that can go round in our head can range from, ‘Do I want to live like this?’ To, ‘Why me?’” Carrie says. “There’s also an unbelievable feeling of anger that we have to go through this – it’s a form of loss of control, as we know this surgery is necessary (sometimes life-threatening) and it’s out of our hands.”

Finding a way forward

If you, or a loved one, are experiencing some of the feelings described here following lifealtering surgery – be that for a condition like the one Carrie has, or for any number of others – there is a route forward.

On her journey from an ostomate to a counsellor supporting other ostomates, Carrie has developed a deep understanding of the feelings someone might expect to experience both pre and postsurgery. In her case, she likens her initial reaction to the often discussed ‘seven stages of grief’: >>> happiful.com | Issue 90 | 81

1. Shock and disbelief. “I didn’t expect the diagnosis or the surgical plan.”

2. Denial. “I didn’t want to accept the news.”

3. Guilt. “I felt guilty when my world collapsed beneath me, and I was unable to be present for my family.”

4. Anger and bargaining. “I was angry with God, bargaining with him that if he made this all go away I’d be a better person.”

5. Depression. “When this set in, it was hard – not just for me, but for my family as well.”

6. Reconstruction. “One day, something inside of me said: ‘Come on Carrie, you’re stronger than you know, you’ve got this.’ I actually listened to it, and it was time to reconstruct myself and learn to live my new lifestyle.”

7. Acceptance. “I eventually learned to accept my situation.”

“The journey to acceptance, however, is different for everyone,” Carrie says. “As with grief, it can take as long as it takes.

For me, it took a very long time, but once I got there, I was the happiest I’d been within myself.

“Many emotions come into play, including sadness, loneliness, jealousy, self-criticism, fear, rejection, a lack of self-worth, 82 | Issue 90 | happiful.com

despair, envy, anger, and doubt – to name just a few,” Carrie continues. “There are also other issues that can occur, e.g. opiate addiction due to being on patientcontrolled analgesia [any method of allowing a person in pain to administer their own pain relief] while in hospital for a long period of time, as well as social issues such as a loss of interest and participation in activities, avoidance of travelling, etc. For ostomates, you may experience disgust around the stoma/bag, and the need to change it multiple times a day. This isn’t about being unhappy about having a ‘bag’ – it runs much deeper than that.

However, it’s important to be able to find a way to live and manage this new normal going forward, and to really examine the feelings going on inside.”

Carrie highlights that this can all have an impact on partners, children, parents, and friends as they work through their own fears and concerns. This is where having a community of people who understand what’s going on can be really helpful. For Carrie, this is the inflammatory bowel disease community, and for those going through different types of surgeries, charities and online community groups are worth investigating.

Carrie Helman is a psychotherapeutic gestalt counsellor. Reach out via the Counselling Directory.

You don’t need to tell family or friends you’re OK if you’re not Reflecting back on her own experience, from a personal and professional perspective, Carrie shares advice for those going through a similar thing: “Take time to acknowledge your feelings, and allow yourself time to process the changes in your new life and body. There’s no rush to ‘feel better’; if you want to lounge around in your PJs because you’re having a bad day, do it – and you don’t need to tell family or friends you’re OK if you’re not. By understanding the recovery process, managing pain/ discomfort, dietary adjustments, resuming physical activity, and prioritising emotional wellbeing, you can successfully navigate this journey. I finally navigated my journey, and I’m here now for the ostomate community to help them navigate theirs.”

Where to find help Looking for support with your mental health?

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