Happiful Issue 89

DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

growth A SEASON OF

The powerful force of growing through grief

ISSUE 89 £5.99

Leave the rat race An overachiever's guide to balance

Discussing divorce How to protect your mental health while separating

7

types of rest

ACROSS A LIFETIME

8 lessons learned at 60

And how to maximise your rejuvenation by using all of them HORMONE HEALTH | MYTHS ABOUT AUTISM, DEBUNKED | SLOW COOKING

“Imagination is the highest kite you can fly LAUREN BACALL

“Pets are humanising. They remind us we have an obligation and responsibility to preserve and nurture and care for all life JAMES CROMWELL

Photograph | Meruyert Gonullu

Words to live by

Almost a decade ago, I was working in a call centre when the call I was on suddenly dropped before I could take the person’s details. I began to panic. Thoughts were flying around my head: would the customer be angry?

Would I be able to meet my targets for the shift? Then, a colleague said something that halted my spiral: have you hurt someone? Are you hurt? Is this an emergency? The answer was, of course, no.

Our bodies are smart – sometimes too smart for their own good. They’re overprotective, so they can’t always decipher the difference between a real threat, and something non-lifethreatening that’s causing you anxiety.

So they put us into fight-or-flight mode, regardless. A rising heart rate, flushed skin, dilated pupils, a tremble in your body – all things designed to help us avoid real, physical threats.

That’s not to say that those feelings of anxiety, stress, and panic aren’t real – we know for sure that they are.

But, for me, that reminder from the colleague, that the thing I was worried about couldn’t hurt me, made all the difference. I only worked with that person for a couple of shifts, and I don’t even recall their name, but I think about those questions a lot in stressful times.

I treasure moments like that, ones that come out of nowhere, but which completely change your perspective.

Perhaps you’ll stumble across such examples in this issue…

On the topic of workplace stress, on p22 we share tips for getting through a stressful period at work (think looming deadlines, navigating new processes, or dealing with the school holiday rush).

On p47, we take a thorough look at economic abuse so that you can be aware of the signs to keep yourself and others safe from this sinister means of control. And on p61 we hear from a woman who shares the lessons she learned upon reaching 60.

And that’s not all. Discover fresh new ideas such as the concept of ‘hurry sickness’ (p12), the seven types of rest you need to feel rejuvenated (p64), and learn more about why some mental health professionals are now advising their clients to take up slow cooking (p32).

Sometimes, all it takes is a small spark to ignite a new attitude, a fresh perspective, or a different opinion. Somewhere in this issue, that moment could be waiting for you… Enjoy the search.

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges W | happiful.com F | happifulhq X | @happifulhq I | @happiful_magazine

KATHRYN WHEELER | GUEST EDITOR

T | @happiful_magazine

Fresh ideas 12 What is hurry sickness?

Can rushing from one thing to the next take its toll?

15 Growing through grief

15

Unearth the ways gardens can support you through grief

53 Stuck on a waiting list?

How to cope when waiting a long time for NHS care and support

69 Vulnerability hangovers Do you feel exposed after sharing what’s been on your mind?

80 Rediscovering lost words How ancient phrases could help us feel connected to our past

Positive pointers 19 New uses for essential oils 20 Eco ways to keep cool Turn down the temp without costing the planet

28 Find your perfect sleep story

Try this at home

61 8 life lessons learned at 60

35 Put your mind to this puzzle

83 A productive pathway

52 Soothe key tension points

Use this issue’s journaling pages to plan your priorities and next steps

68 Ground yourself, fast

Wellbeing

Culture

38 Low-energy activities

7 Good news

50 Getting past stressful times

11 The wellbeing wrap

When work ramps up, use these tips

64 The 7 types of rest How to fully nourish yourself with rest

66 10 things to try out 73 Books you’ll love

28

Happiful

R EG U LA R S

22 Money on your mind Navigate unexpected costs and wedding planning with Tinisha

25 Myths, debunked

27

We address some common misconceptions about autism

30 Ask the experts How do I adjust to life as a carer?

36 Creative corner Is it time to step up to the mic?

42 Michelle Elman Navigating friendship wage gaps

39

56 Expert column A guide for overachievers

Relationships 39 Going at it alone More women are choosing to solo parent, so what’s behind the decision?

47 Spotting economic abuse 78 The fallout of divorce

Food & health 32 Cook up contentment Could slow cooking be a tool for happiness?

44 Hormone harmony Seven tips for finding balance with lifestyle changes

25

58 Stealthily healthy lunches 75 The truth about honey

*

36

Expert review

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

The constant pressure we experience in life can present a pressing demand on us, often leading to the illusion that we are running out of time. In reality, this is not the case and is actually representative of the relationship that we have with time. Check out p12 to explore tips on how you can better manage this relationship. Social culture demands a busy lifestyle – and this pressure can have a significant impact on our wellbeing. Interestingly, taking a moment to purposefully slow down, and experiencing what that brings, can enable an easier relationship with time.

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist specialising in spirituality and working with males.

Happiful Community Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

Our team EDITORIAL Kathryn Wheeler | Guest Editor Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant

GEORGINA STURMER

VALERIE HUTCHINSON

BA (Hons) MBACP

Dip MBACP

Georgina is an integrative counsellor helping clients create a more confident life.

Valerie is an integrative counsellor and member of the BACP.

Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Kate Norris | Content Creator & Writer Becky Banham | Content & Marketing Officer Michelle Elman, Nikita Thakrar | Columnists Ellen Lees | Head of Content Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN

NIKITA THAKRAR

LAURA SPREITZER

NLP

PGDiP MBACP

Nikita is a multifaceted teacher, mentor, and coach, supporting people to find their life purpose.

Laura is a psychotherapeutic counsellor, supporting young adults.

Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product & Marketing Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator & Videographer

COMMUNICATIONS Alice Greedus | PR Manager Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator

CONTRIBUTORS

NEIL GAW

LOUISA HARVEY

Dip MBACP

MA PGDip MNCPS Acc MBACP

Neil is an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist.

Louisa is a counsellor who is LGBTQIA+ and neuro-affirming.

SARAH GRANT

EMILY FURNISS

BA (HONS) DIPNUT MBANT RCNHC

DipION mBANT rCNHC

Sarah is a nutritionist, and intuitive eating and body confidence coach.

Emily is a registered nutritional therapist, specialising in child and family health.

TINA CHUMMUN

LIANNE TERRY

MSc UKCP

BA(Hons) Dip.Couns MBACP

Tina is an accredited psychotherapist and trauma specialist.

Lianne is a psychotherapist specialising in family wounds and LGBTQIA+ therapy.

Rebekah Crilly, Caroline Butterwick, Lydia Wilkins, Rosie Cappuccino, Kate Orson, Laura Cooke, Elizabeth Bennett, Tracie Couper, Tinisha Osu, Emily Furniss, Nicki Bannerman, Victoria Stokes, Katie Scott

SPECIAL THANKS Georgina Sturmer, Valerie Hutchinson, Laura Spreitzer, Neil Gaw, Louisa Harvey, Sarah Grant, Tina Chummun, Melissa Smith, Katie Barnes, Sonal Jenkins, Lianne Terry

MANAGEMENT Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma Hursey | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

CONTACT Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building B, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY Helping you find the help you need.

Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

SONAL JENKINS BSc (Hons)

Sonal is a nutritional therapist, health tutor, and director of Synergy Nutrition.

CBP006075

The Uplift SELF-ESTEEM

Interactive art encourages women to ‘burst’ self-doubt Self-doubt and low self-esteem can have a significant impact on our lives. According to new research from the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), 54% of women say selfesteem impacts their day-to-day choices, including whether to speak up at work or what events to go to, and almost half (49%) of women struggle with, or are affected by, self-esteem issues.

As a way to combat and challenge this, an interactive art installation capturing women’s self-esteem issues was set up at Battersea Power Station, in London. Female passersby were invited to write their self-esteem issues on to paint-filled balloons, and fire them at a large canvas. Once covered in paint, a message, ‘Burst your self-doubt’ appeared. The final piece is a visual representation of self-esteem concerns, designed to

remind women sharing issues with self-esteem not to suffer in silence.

Part of a campaign from BACP, the installation aims to highlight the many self-doubt and selfesteem issues faced by women, encouraging them to seek qualified therapeutic support.

BACP director of professional standards policy and research, Dr Lisa Morrison Coulthard said: “Women experience self-doubt in many areas of life, such as body image, age, weight, workplace ability,

feeling inadequate, personal relationships, motherhood, and imposter syndrome.

“In whatever circumstances women are held back by their own self-doubt, the right therapist can help to shift negative feelings into more positive ones, shaped around peoples’ strengths and attributes.”

This work of art is a reminder that it’s never too late to burst free from self-doubt, seek support, and share your selfesteem struggles.

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford happiful.com | Issue 89 | 7

Image curtesy of Anchor

8 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

COMMUNITY

Massive milestone hit as 700th ‘chatty bench’ is installed At a time when research from Anchor – a not-for-profit provider of care and housing for people in later life – has found that nearly a quarter of people across the UK frequently feel lonely, the organisation has reached an incredible new milestone by installing its 700th ‘chatty bench’ at the historic site of Bolton Abbey.

One person who has already helped her community benefit from the scheme is Helen Snowden, from Brighton and Hove. Helen first read about the chatty benches in a newspaper, and was keen to add one to the St Ann’s Well sensory garden in her local area.

“The chatty benches help people make friends, and to not be lonely. A little chat can make your day that bit better,” Helen says.

“In my background as a nurse, I’ve seen loneliness wreak havoc on individuals’ wellbeing, its effects rivalling those of chronic diseases.

Through the chatty bench, we want to help combat loneliness and build strong community bonds.”

The research from Anchor also found that three-quarters of respondents believed that interacting with people from different generations is important, and the organisation hopes that these benches could be perfect for supporting that.

“We know that loneliness is an increasingly big problem in today’s society, for people of all ages and from all walks of life,” says chief executive Sarah Jones. “We want to create spaces where people can connect face-to-face again, whether this is just for a quick chat or the beginning of a real connection. The popularity of the initiative so far shows how much people want and need this. We hope that more and more places around the UK will consider installing their own chatty bench, and help us to grow the movement!”

To find out more, head to anchor.org.uk Writing | Kathryn Wheeler happiful.com | Issue 89 | 9

KIDS

Can going barefoot support youngsters’ wellbeing?

Simply taking your shoes and socks off could be a ‘life-changer’, according to a researcher from the University of Chichester.

Gemma Peterson, a master’s student studying health psychology, has been awarded £5,000 towards her research project investigating naturebased interventions on children’s mental health and wellbeing.

“Our intervention, Nature Blast, combines meditation, mindfulness, and exercise outside barefoot. Within this study, we measured the impact

on wellbeing through qualitative focus groups,” Gemma explains.

In Bosham, West Sussex, Gemma ran sessions in the summer and autumn months of 2023, with families taking part in a one-hour group meditation and exercise circuit – all the while being barefoot, in order to experience the benefits of ‘earthing’. ​​“Some were sceptical about being barefoot,” Gemma says. “I said just have a go, they did and loved it.

They felt relaxed and calm after.

“The young people shared their enjoyment of exercising in nature.

They experienced more energy and a clearer mind, and one teen shared how the sessions supported their stress levels at school, enabling them to become more present using the mindfulness strategies they learned.”

While Gemma’s research is just beginning, why not give it a go for yourself? You never know, barefoot outdoor exercise could become a new tool to add to your wellbeing toolbox. Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

YOGA

New research reveals the yoga practice that reduces depression by 50% Investigating the long-praised link between yoga and mental health, and its benefits on the mind and body, Dr Bala Subramaniam, professor of anaesthesia at Harvard Medical School, has revealed two yoga practices with life-changing findings.

Looking into the impact of Isha Kriya (a 15-minute guided meditation focusing on breath, thought, and awareness), the research found that anxiety levels were reduced by 33% and depression by 50%, with symptoms being reduced within two weeks of consistent practice.

Additionally, Upa Yoga (a set of 10 physical practices that activate the joints, muscles, and energy system) improved mental 10 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

health and wellbeing among more than 600 students during the pandemic by also reducing stress, depression, and anxiety.

These practices stem from the wisdom of Indian yogi Sadhguru, who has worked in the industry for three decades, and could offer a vital lifeline for those struggling with their mental health. With delays to mental health services at an all-time high, utilising effective self-care tools like yoga can be hugely beneficial alongside formal treatment.

Professor Jaswinder Bamrah, a senior consultant psychiatrist at Greater Manchester Mental Health NHS Foundation Trust, said: “I am well aware of the benefits of medication, but in

my clinical practice I will not hesitate to recommend both yoga and meditation, where it is appropriate, for patients.”

Inspired to give yoga a go? Search for tutorials for these practices on YouTube, or head to happiful.com to read yoga-related articles.

Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

The

wellbeing wrap

GAY RIGHTS

A new study in

eClinicalMedicine has In a win for LGBTQIA+ highlighted the catastrophic rights, and reducing impact that loneliness can discrimination, Namibia’s high court has overturned have on individuals. It revealed that middle-aged and older A ‘walking tree’ a law that criminalised gay adults who experience chronic (resembling one of loneliness have a 56% higher JRR Tolkien’s Ents) sex, which the country inherited back in 1990 after risk of stroke. So, take this as a has been named New Zealand’s gaining independence from sign to reach out and connect Tree of the Year with others as much as you can.

South Africa.

2024

Kind of a big deal

The Iberian lynx has officially come off the extinction list, with numbers rising from 94 in 2002 to 2,021 in 2023, thanks to conservation efforts

A study of 2,000 people has reported that, on average, Brits perform 223 acts of kindness each year, with activities ranging from giving up your seat on the tube to taking in parcels for neighbours, or helping strangers with directions. And doing good deeds has its rewards, with 82% saying it makes them feel good, and 40% loving seeing others smile.

In a world first, a 13-year-old boy from Somerset has received a brain implant to help control seizures from a rare form of epilepsy. Oran Knowlson has Lennox-Gastaut syndrome, experiencing up to 100 seizures a day, and has needed 24hour care since he was three years old due to the severity of the condition. This treatment will radically improve his quality of life, and be a beacon of hope for others.

SECRET TO LONG LIFE A bill has passed in Sierra Leone which prohibits child marriage, in a massive step forward for children’s rights

29-year-old Howard Wicks, who had a stroke as a teenager that left him paralysed, has written a 50,000 word book using a computer that tracks eye movements

Commonalities in the biomarkers of those who reach their 100th birthday have been revealed by GeroScience, suggesting those with lower levels of glucose, creatinine and uric acid from age 60 onwards are more likely to reach the centurion milestone.

Researchers from Harvard have revealed that a little olive oil each day could help stave off dementia. Analysing data from 92,000 people over 28 years, they found that consuming 7g (or more) a day saw a 28% reduction in the risk of a dementia-related death, regardless of overall diet quality. So, perhaps include a spoon a day where you can!

A hot lead

Scientists investigating ways to treat and prevent depression have uncovered a potential link with body temperature. A study published in February, by the University of California San Francisco, reviewed data from 20K+ people over seven months, and found a correlation between people with depression and higher body temperatures. The study isn’t enough to confirm a cause and effect, but it provides direction for further investigation.

A legacy of support After dedicating her life to combatting racism, Dr Gee Walker, whose son Anthony was murdered in 2005, has been made an MBE in honour of her charity work. Following her son’s death, Dr Walker set up the Anthony Walker Foundation, with the aim of addressing racism and discrimination, providing victim support services and inclusion opportunities. Over the years, the foundation has supported more than 70,000 young people, alongside communities, through education, sports, and art programmes.

Rising to the occasion With 300 million people worldwide having asthma, a new study from Brazil could be a breath of fresh air for sufferers. Published in Current Developments in Nutrition, scientists have created a ‘functional bread’, utilising probiotic yeast, which can help to prevent asthma. While further research is required before the loaves will be lining supermarket shelves, the concept shows how innovative solutions could be on the horizon to help with medical conditions.

THIS IS NOT JUST REPAIRS...

This is M&S repairs. The supermarket is partnering with start-up Sojo to encourage customers to live more sustainably by repairing rather than replacing clothes.

The service allows people to book repairs and alterations through an online booking system, to be returned within seven to 10 days.

What is hurry sickness?

Are you always rushing from one thing to the next? You could be experiencing hurry sickness, and it may be doing more damage than you think Writing | Rebekah Crilly

I

’ve spent most of my life rushing, never quite sure of what I was rushing for. That inexplicable sense of urgency would drive me in the mornings to get my children dressed, pack their lunches, and make myself presentable, all without much of an exhale. I’d carry it with me to work, attempting to multitask where possible, despite no one putting any pressure on me except for myself. I’d then dart out at 5pm, speed to the local supermarket to grab whatever item I forgot during the big shop, before hurrying home to get back into mum-mode. I was exhausted.

So, I Googled it. Initially, I thought, ‘rushing syndrome’ or ‘to-doitis’ must be a thing. And, as it turns out, it was. They just opted for a less catchy name: ‘hurry sickness’.

What is hurry sickness?

Coined by cardiologists Meyer Friedman and RH Rosenman in 12 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

their 1985 book Type A Behavior and Your Heart, ‘hurry sickness’ is described as an excessive sense of time urgency. Despite its name, hurry sickness isn’t an actual medical or mental health condition, but is widely regarded as a legitimate wellbeing concern.

Counsellor Georgina Sturmer encourages us to consider the drivers behind our hurrying behaviours – that is, the internal messages that play out in our everyday lives as a way of motivating us to be productive.

She recognises that while these drivers can be helpful, in that they spur us on to get things done, they can also lead to unhelpful behaviours, such as a constant state of rush.

She implores us to listen to the dialogue that runs in our minds as we begin to slow down. Does it celebrate the idea that you’re giving yourself some rest, or does it

chastise you for wasting time?

Georgina acknowledges that a big part of our self-esteem is wrapped up in being busy and, therefore, when we stop, we’re left with a sense of guilt or unease. This might be about the fear of what will happen if we stop but, as I’d realise in my own life, nothing would happen other than the stress I’d inflict upon myself.

There are, of course, certain traits Georgina points to that lend themselves to hurry sickness. “It is often linked to a sense of perfectionism and control,” she says. “If we are always trying to control everything, or create perfection, then it’s likely that we are always going to feel as if we should be in a hurry.”

A cultural phenomenon Even if we don’t consider ourselves perfectionists, we

fresh ideas

‘Hurry sickness’ is described as an excessive sense of time urgency are part of a digital world that, as Georgina references, prizes productivity. Everything around our society is geared towards optimal productivity – sending a clear message that ‘doing’ is the sign of a healthy and happy person.

This narrative may feel particularly relevant to the modern woman, who tells herself she ought to multitask simply because she can. I feel this to my core as a mother, and carrying the “mental load of my family”, as Georgina describes it, and the added pressure of feeling as though I’d be letting others down if I stopped.

This would drive so much of my own rushing – to get back to my children, to cater to their every whim, to always be there. My identity felt inherently tied up in their needs, as opposed to my own.

Guilt was driving my doing, but at what cost? >>> happiful.com | Issue 89 | 13

Everything around our society is geared towards optimal productivity The impact of hurry sickness on our health

I’d hear my internal voice listing to-dos, as my kids and my husband relayed their day to me. As Georgina explains, “Sometimes we get stuck in a trap of thinking that everyone wants us to be endlessly helpful, but actually the opposite might be true.” Surely this inability to remain present and engaged would have a far greater impact on them, than if I didn’t immediately tidy up after them?

Other than the potential impact on our relationships, hurry sickness can have physical ramifications, too. “If we are constantly feeling stressed or guilty about what we have or haven’t done, this can manifest in the physical sensations of stress or anxiety, which can lead to headaches, shallow breathing, stomach pain, and difficulty sleeping,” Georgina explains.

In fact, a study, published in the journal JAMA, found evidence to suggest that certain traits, including time urgency and impatience, led to an increased 14 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

risk for high blood pressure – a stark indication that hurrying can have very real consequences for our bodies.

Learning how to slow down and halt the hurry

“It’s important to really think about the root cause first,” advises Georgina. “If we can understand our internal messages about our constant hurrying, this can help us to come up with a plan.”

It’s about making a conscious effort not just to manage your life, but to live it. Georgina recommends making free time to link in with a sensory experience – enjoying a walk while listening to the birds, or eating a meal mindfully, for example. By engaging with our senses, we’re reminding ourselves of our human qualities, as opposed to our obsession with productivity.

We can also take practical steps which will appeal to our productive selves, such as bunching similar tasks together, and making a non-negotiable schedule for free time. Georgina

Georgina Sturmer is a counsellor who specialises in supporting women. Check out her profile on the Counselling Directory.

believes it might also be helpful to step away from our devices.

“The constant notifications of our screens can really add to the pressure if we’re already struggling with hurry sickness,” she says.

It can be difficult to challenge hurry sickness, especially when it is connected to some of our core beliefs, be this around our self-esteem or sense of responsibility towards others.

But, by making the realisation that maybe you’re a serial rusher, you can take that all-important step towards slowing down. In the long run, the benefits will far outweigh a page full of ticked-off to-dos.

fresh ideas

Growing through grief From public memorial gardens to intimate home gardens, and the flowers we display in our homes, how can these seemingly simple spaces provide comfort, hope, and togetherness through life’s most challenging times?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

I

n 1966, the Aberfan disaster took the lives of 116 children and 28 adults when a slag heap collapsed, causing a landslide onto a primary school and surrounding houses. In the wake of such horror, the personal and national grief that followed was devastating. The following year, in May 1967, Queen Elizabeth II visited the Welsh village, and planted a tree to mark the day.

Today, a beautiful, powerful memorial garden, created on the site of the school, offers a space for quiet reflection. Following a £500,000 renovation some years ago, the chair of the Aberfan Memorial Charity spoke to a crowd of 200 people, saying that many people found that visiting the cemetery was too painful, but

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

the garden offered a tranquil place to pause and reflect.

More recently, in 2021, the London Blossom Garden opened to commemorate those who lost their lives to the Covid-19 pandemic. Created in collaboration with local residents and community groups, the vision for the garden is that it will become a living memorial, and one which also recognises how important green spaces became to so many people during that difficult time.

These gardens are just two examples of countless numbers across the country. Memorial gardens are common in towns, cities, and villages, often marking inexplicably difficult shared losses. The metaphor here is

plain to see, but still worth saying: even in times of loss, life, beauty, and joy can be nurtured and continued.

But gardens and gardening can also be an important pillar in personal grief. In a survey of more than 1,000 bereaved people, bereavement charity Sue Ryder found that 40% said gardening has ‘saved them from their grief’.

A further 51% said that gardening helps to keep their loved one’s memory alive, and 56% said it provides a sense of routine and purpose while grieving.

“These activities can help you feel closer to them and provide moments of comfort and relief from the intense loneliness and overwhelming sense of loss,” says counsellor Valerie Hutchinson, >>> happiful.com | Issue 89 | 15

16 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

fresh ideas

40% of people said gardening has ‘saved them from their grief’ when considering why this link may exist. “In time, these hobbies can bring longer periods of peace, and potentially become a passion that helps you move forward in a world that feels unknown and lonely. This can open new doors to connection and friendships that you might not have considered before.”

Earlier this year, a lot of these ideas were planted in a beautiful garden at the RHS Chelsea Flower Show. A collaboration between Sue Ryder and award-winning designer Katherine Holland, the Grief Kind garden was awarded a gold medal by the judges.

Katherine says the garden was inspired by Sue Ryder’s Grief Kind spaces – community drop-in sessions that provide an opportunity for people who have been bereaved to share their feelings. She explains that she was keen to take these conversations around grief outside.

“Common themes that arose during my research were the need for a space that gave you a sense of calm, felt safe, and also

had colour,” Katherine says. “I selected a planting palette that had colour to it, but transitioned delicately so that there wasn’t a dominant colour, and as a whole the garden was restful to view.

Some beautiful specimen trees were included to give height and overhead interest – including Acer ginnala, which has wonderful mottled grey stems, beautiful seed pods, and autumn colour, and Rhamnus (frangula alnus) aspleniifolia, which has filigree-like foliage and dainty white flowers in spring.

“As part of planning the garden, I also had the opportunity to speak to an in-patient at Sue Ryder St John’s Hospice, who had been a keen gardener. He spoke passionately about things that could be considered for the garden, and was keen to play a part in the process to develop a garden that his family might make use of.”

That patient was Norman Ward.

“He had two allotments, one was fruit trees, such as apples and plums, and the other was vegetables,” says Cassie,

Norman’s daughter. “He liked to grow anything unusual or challenging – yellow courgettes, asparagus, tricky broccoli!

When he retired, and knew he was going to be living a lowerpaced lifestyle, he took on the allotments as a way of keeping himself active.

“When dad was in the hospice, the garden designer came to visit him,” she continues. “The hospice staff felt it would be good for him to be involved, and good for the garden, too. He had conversations with Katherine about what he felt would be good to include in the garden for someone who was grieving.”

Cassie recalls how passionate Norman became about the garden. It also became a more personal project for Katherine.

“I struggled with grief during the second lockdown in January 2021, and, at times, felt quite isolated, despite having good support from family and friends,” Katherine says. “The garden has been designed to be the space that I would have liked to have benefitted from, where I could >>> happiful.com | Issue 89 | 17

Katherine Holland in the Grief Kind garden

have spoken to others about my grief and the different thoughts and emotions I was feeling. I wanted the garden to feel safe.”

“It was really lovely to see the garden,” says Cassie, reflecting on visiting it in person at the RHS Chelsea Flower Show. “The most amazing thing for me – which was quite serendipitous – is that I crochet, and Katherine had left some crochet bits of her mother’s on the table in the garden (a crochet hook and a mini ball of wool). It felt like a sign.

“Dad would have loved the garden, and he would have been 18 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

so proud. He liked to shout things from the rooftops, so he would have been telling everyone if he was here, and he would have loved that the garden is now at Sue Ryder St John’s Hospice. That’s the saddest thing for me – that he won’t ever get the chance to see what he contributed to, because I know how proud he would have been.”

That day, the garden provided solace for all those who visited, but, beyond that, it is a testament to this shared understanding that being in nature can be hugely healing during impossibly hard times.

“Gardening, in particular, can be a great tool for coping with grief,” counsellor Valerie says.

“Attending to plants and flowers creates a sense of connection to nature and the cycle of life.

It can be a way to honour the

memory of your loved one, particularly if the plants or flowers were very special to them. Watching something grow can provide both a metaphor for healing, and a practical way to experience renewal and hope, and marks the passage of time that has passed.”

In public and private places, on a grand scale or in the flowers we place in vases in our homes, growing through grief creates a living memory of those we have lost, and offers comfort, and an opportunity for reflection, as we take the next steps forward.

Valerie Hutchinson is an integrative counsellor and member of the BACP. Visit the Counselling Directory to get in touch.

Garden photography | Maria Savoskula, Katherine’s portrait | John Campbell

Attending to plants and flowers creates a sense of connection to nature and the cycle of life

positive pointers

5 different ways to use essential oils Not just the preserve of diffusers and body products, we’re sharing five different ways you can bring essential oils into your life Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Add them to your laundry

There are plenty of laundry products out there that will promise you divinely scented washing. But if you fancy getting creative with smells, and blending something that feels personal to you, mix a couple of drops with some water and pour it into your washing machine drawer.

Make your own cleaning products

The key ingredients for a great general home cleaning solution are water and white vinegar.

Mix 250ml of both together, and then add in 15–20 drops of your chosen essential oil. Typically, citrus scents and tea tree will leave your space smelling clean and fresh, but you can choose whichever oil you prefer.

DIY room spray

A room spray is a lovely way to quickly freshen up a space with a beautiful scent. You can then sit back, relax, and enjoy the pleasant wellbeing benefits of your chosen aroma. To make this, you need to mix 100ml of water

with half a teaspoon of emulsifier – you could use vegetable glycerin, or Castile soap is another popular option – this step ensures the oil and water mix together. Then, add 20–30 drops of essential oil and shake well.

Cupboard freshener

Ever open up a cupboard only to be met with a musty, stale smell?

It’s something that can be easily rectified with the use of essential oils, and creates a moment of delight each time you’re on the hunt for something. Simply add a couple of drops to a cotton pad, a small flannel, or a tissue, and place it inside.

Scented letters

Handwritten letters are a wonderful way to connect with the people in our lives, particularly those who don’t live nearby. But to add a whole other dimension to your correspondence, consider choosing the perfect scent to accompany your words. Do be warned, oils will stain the paper, so make sure to add them to a space away from the writing,

or use another piece of paper inserted into the envelope along with the letter.

The opportunities to bring the power of essential oils into your life, and your home, are endless.

But do always keep safety in mind. Never apply undiluted essential oils directly to your skin, and make sure to read the labels for specific guidance on different variations. happiful.com | Issue 89 | 19

8

environmentally conscious ways to keep cool

If you’re struggling with the heat in your home, don’t sweat! Here are eight effective and eco-friendly ways to keep things chill when the temperature rises Writing | Rebecca Thair

1. Unplug electronic devices when not in use.

Even when you’re not actively using them, if your chargers or devices are plugged in or on standby (also known as ‘phantom’ or ‘vampire’ energy use) they generate heat, with reports suggesting this actually accounts for 10% of energy used worldwide. So, making the effort to switch everything off properly at the plug can prevent things from getting too hot, as well as reducing energy waste in your home, which will save you money in the long run, too.

2. Feature more plants around your home.

As well as improving the air quality in your house by taking in carbon dioxide, as plants go through the process of respiration they help to remove hot air, and through transpiration they release water vapour which increases humidity and helps to cool things down. Think of this like 20 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

plants ‘sweating’, so as they cool themselves, they help to take heat out of the air around them as well.

3. Use eco-friendly window tinting.

You might be more familiar with people tinting car windows, but did you know it can be a method to keep heat out of your house as well? Applying eco-friendly sun protection film to the windows of your home is beneficial for several reasons, as alongside helping to filter out the sun’s heat, it also helps to reduce glare and UV radiation. Several factors will impact how effective this method is, including the position of the window (how much sun it gets), the type of film applied etc., but some companies claim it can reduce 40–70% of the thermal and solar energy coming in through your windows, which can make a drastic difference to the overall temperature of your home during heatwaves.

4. Put up blinds and keep them down in the day.

Investing in blinds can obviously offer some privacy, and whether you put up thermal (which can be a bit more pricey but effective) or regular blinds, keeping them down during the day can help to keep out some of the sun’s heat and glare.

5. Keep windows and doors closed.

A simple way to have more control over the temperature in your house is to keep windows closed in the day (to keep the heat out and the cooler air in), and then open them overnight to air things out. You can also keep the doors between rooms closed, as it’s easier to keep smaller, more contained spaces cooler – e.g. if you have a fan in a particular room, it’s better to close the door for that space.

6. Focus on cold meals.

Avoiding using the oven, or other appliances that generate

positive pointers

heat, can be another simple way to reduce the amount of hot air you’re adding into your home.

So, this can mean choosing cold dinners, and things that don’t require cooking, such as salads and sandwiches.

7. Insulate your home.

People might have the perception that insulation is about keeping the heat in, but it’s actually a way to create a more consistent temperature in your

home – helping to retain heat in the winter, and keep it out in the summer. When your place is well-insulated, it requires less energy both to heat or cool it – so good for the environment and your bank balance. Ways to achieve this include insulating your loft or roof with sheep’s wool, cotton, or wood fibre, or ensuring doors and windows are sealed properly by using draught excluders, and filling holes or gaps with seals or tape.

8. Be tactical with fans.

The Centre for Sustainable Energy claims that the average fan uses less than 100 watts of energy, costing roughly 3p an hour to run. A trick to help you make the most of one is to face it in the direction of a window at night as the fan will blow out the hot air and suck in the cool. Heat rises, so you could also place the fan on the floor pointing upwards, in order to push the cooler air up and around. happiful.com | Issue 89 | 21

MONEY ON YOUR MIND

Tinisha’s week

Welcome to Money on Your Mind, the series where we explore the reality of money and mental health in the lives of real people. In this edition, Tinisha shares her week, from planning a wedding to facing unexpected costs, and dealing with learned habits along the way Writing | Tinisha Osu as told to Kathryn Wheeler

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oday, I booked a venue for my wedding. Carl and I got engaged a year ago in Greece, and the same day we got engaged, we started thinking about money.

Growing up, a lot of us have an idealised idea of what our weddings will look like. I can tell you, reality hit when I started looking at costs. The average spend on a wedding in the UK is about £20,700 – unbelievable!

Eventually, we realised that our wedding should be about us, and celebrating our love, so we decided on inviting 20–30 close family and friends to Liverpool Town Hall. I can’t wait!

Tuesday was supposed to be a nice day, as my mum and I were going away for a few days. She raised me as a single parent, so it’s always just been me and her, and I was looking forward to spending some time together. I had my work laptop and Macbook with me, thinking I could do some work while away. But, as

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luck would have it, we got out of the taxi on the way there and…

CRASH! The driver ran over my bag, and both laptops. All I could think about was the money. Life went in slow motion that day.

I got back home and reflected on it. I was panicked, of course, but I’m much better at handling situations like that than I used to be. My anxiety used to be so bad I would be afraid to leave the house, and if something like that had happened back then, it would have felt like the end of the world.

So, although I felt like I could throw up from stress, overall, I was able to stay realistic, and I was proud of myself for doing so.

The next day, even though my work laptop was damaged, I was able to plug it into a monitor and work as normal. I work from home and really enjoy it, plus, it also helps with spending. Every time I step foot outside of the house, I spend so much money.

I’m like: ‘Well I don’t come into town often, so I’ll go to a nice café.’

£20 later, and I usually regret it. It’s 100% learnt behaviour – my mum and nan are the same!

My nan had six kids who she raised by herself. She didn’t have much, but provided the best she could. She eventually managed to get herself on her feet, and then suddenly she was able to go into a shop without really thinking about what she was spending. I think it’s kind of been passed down – in my family, if we’ve got it, we normally spend it.

On Friday, the day before our engagement party, I was thinking about my alopecia. I was diagnosed when I was 17 after I first found the patches. Back then, they were tiny, like a coin, but there was a point where I lost 50% of my hair.

A few months ago, the crown of my head got quite bad and my confidence tanked, so I took £500 out of my savings and spent it on extensions. Was that the smartest move? Perhaps not, but I genuinely feel like I had to do it

MONEY ON YOUR MIND

Watch out for more from our ‘Money on Your Mind’ series in the next issue, and if you’d like to contribute your personal experience with finances – both challenges and lessons – reach out to us at hello@happiful.com

for my mental health. I know it’s ‘just hair’, but I take a lot of pride in my hair and looking nice, and when it falls out I stress more, which makes it worse – so I don’t regret spending the money.

The engagement party was amazing. So many people travelled from all over the country, just to be with us – and it wasn’t even the wedding! Afterwards, Carl and I spoke about how much was spent. Both our parents helped out, but it came to just over a grand for a couple of hours. Carl pointed out the other things we could have spent that money on, and I understood what he meant.

At this stage in our lives, we want to do everything – but so much still feels out of reach. Similar to the extensions, I have no regrets and I’d do it again, but money is definitely always in the back of our minds.

Combined, we’ve got a decent household income – and so sometimes I think, why are we worried about money when we’re actually OK? Some of it is that we have a lot of outgoings, but I also attribute it to our backgrounds. We know what it’s like to be very working class and living paycheck to paycheck. I do wonder if that mindset will ever change. It might not, but the lesson I’ve taken from this week is to take each day as it comes, and to allow yourself happiness where it can be found.

For more from Tinisha, listen to her podcast, ‘Pocket Perspectives Podcast’, on Spotify and YouTube, or follow her on Instagram and TikTok @itstinisha happiful.com | Issue 89 | 23

“Stay close to anything that makes you glad you are alive HAFIZ

Photograph | Dmitrii Shirnin

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happiful regulars

7 myths about autism, debunked From gendered diagnostic criteria to the idea that ‘everyone is a little autistic’, we’re debunking seven common myths about autism Writing | Lydia Wilkins

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or most of my life, I was aware that I was ‘different’.

The world seemed too loud, every single garment of clothing was (and still is) itchy, and the lights in any room were painful.

‘She’s not like other girls’ is taken as a pejorative sentence these days, but it was bandied about readily, stuck to me by adults who thought I was ‘hysterical’, ‘too sensitive’, or believed I needed to ‘blend in’.

Never mind how gendered this was (you would never label a man’s distress as a product of hysteria), it was a perception that stayed with me for a long time.

One month shy of turning 16, I was finally diagnosed as autistic.

It explained a lot of what I was missing; a word that explained what had felt like a faulty brain and body that had been an issue all of my life. However, diagnosis is not the final part of the story, because there are still misconceptions about autism that remain. So let’s bust a few myths…

MYTH 1: Autism is a male condition Spoiler: women, and any other gender, can be autistic. The original diagnostic criteria for what was then called Asperger’s syndrome was based on a group of young boys, from the 1940s.

The diagnostic criteria gained more worldwide prominence around the 1980s, however, it

was still heavily gendered (and arguably sexist.)

Those dated assumptions remain today, such as the belief that you have to be intensely interested in ‘male’ topics, like trains or dinosaurs. The diagnostic criteria can still be gendered and can struggle to pick up women and girls – who tend to also be better at ‘masking’ (more on that in a moment). But, gender does not make the diagnosis; women can be autistic, too.

MYTH 2: Autism is a ‘superpower’ If you Google autism, or just scroll through your social media, you are probably going to see references to having it >>> happiful.com | Issue 89 | 25

Autism is a lifelong neurodevelopmental disability, and it should be taken seriously

Autism resources • The National Autism Society.

Find plenty of resources, advice, and guidance on autism – as well as read stories from people with ASD (autism.org.uk).

• Autism Education Trust. For parents and teachers alike, the Autism Education Trust offers guides for supporting autistic children through these formative years (autismeducationtrust.org.uk).

• Autism Plus. This organisation offers support for neurodivergent people in the workplace, as well as training for employers. (autismplusemploymentservices.co.uk).

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happiful regulars

being like having a ‘superpower’.

While individuals have their own preferences as to how they describe themselves, and how they identify, we are human beings, not superheroes!

It may mean that we have positive attributes, such as when it comes to being able to focus on specific subjects for hours, and memory retention, but autism is a lifelong neurodevelopmental disability, and it should be taken seriously.

MYTH 3: More people are autistic these days There has been some speculation about ‘a surge in diagnosis demand’, with the suggestion that this has been powered by social media platforms like TikTok. But the population is not suddenly ‘becoming’ autistic – that is medically impossible for a start.

We have failed to pick up on the prevalence of autism in the population for a long time, in part because of the flawed diagnostic criteria which are heavily gendered, as well as social stigma. People are not ‘becoming autistic’ or ‘making autism their personality’ from using TikTok, instead, it’s more likely that this accessible content leads to a moment of recognition – an ‘ah ha’ moment that is playing out in the internet age.

MYTH 4: You can just try not to be autistic Thanks to the Equality Act, we have a definition of what is and is not a disability in law. Autism is name-checked in the law as an example of disability. Whenever anyone has asked what my lived experience is like, this is often met with, “Could you try to...”

As part of my diagnosis I ‘mask’.

Masking is a typical hallmark, and it means to ‘become’ neurotypical by working to suppress my needs and behaviours, often through the use of mirroring (the act of copying the actions, speech patterns, or behaviours of others). This has a huge impact on the individual, and often contributes to poor mental health.

Masking is a trait specific to autistic people, and it is not about wanting to be liked. It’s also not a long-term solution. To suggest I ‘just try’ to step outside my neurology is beyond invalidating, essentially the equivalent of saying to a wheelchair user: ‘Can’t you just walk?’

MYTH 5: Everyone’s a little bit autistic This is as medically inaccurate as it is invalidating. To be diagnosed as autistic, you have

to have a range of the diagnostic traits that impact multiple functions of your day-to-day life. Autism is a spectrum, which means that everybody with autism is different – and some autistic people need more support than others. But you either are autistic or you are not, you cannot be a ‘little bit autistic’. I have often had people tell me this, as they identify with one characteristic, often: ‘I am over-zealously tidy, therefore I must be autistic.’ This is reductive and lacks nuance.

MYTH 6: Autistic people should adapt themselves to the ‘real world’ Autistic individuals have sensory needs – or, in other words, access needs that are non-negotiable, the same as those with physical disabilities.

In order to access certain spaces, we also need some help along the way – examples include using ear defenders if we have hypersensitivity issues, or dimming the lights. The Equality Act means that such reasonable adjustments in workplaces are a legal right. So rather than us adapting to the ‘real world’, the ‘real world’ should make reasonable adjustments for us. happiful.com | Issue 89 | 27

How to find the perfect sleep story for your needs Sleep stories are calm, soothing, fiction or non-fiction stories, designed to help you drift off. So, which is the right one for you?

Writing | Rosie Cappuccino

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f lavender essential oil, guided meditations, and breathing exercises are not alleviating your insomnia, you may be ready to start a new chapter at bedtime. Unlike most narratives, which are crafted to spark the reader’s curiosity, sleep stories are designed with slumber in mind.

“Sleep stories require less active participation, making them more accessible and appealing to some individuals, especially those who find it challenging to quiet their minds,” psychotherapist Tina Chummun explains.

Sleep stories tend to involve gentle themes, minimal plots, and peaceful mindfulness elements, with nothing to over-excite the listener. Think strolling through a botanical garden scented with roses, or sipping green tea in Japan’s misty mountains.

If you are among the third of people in the UK reported to experience insomnia, you will know that it often involves restless thoughts that circle the mind.

The idea is that by replacing ruminations with pleasant imagery and imagined sensory experiences, sleep stories can help us dirft off.

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“Incorporating a sleep story into a nightly routine can help establish a sense of structure, emotional safety, and predictability,” explains Tina Chummun, “which can be comforting for individuals.” She notes that these narratives can also help the individual to look forward to going to sleep, which encourages more calmness and relaxation.

However, it can be tricky to know which ones might work best for you. Too much choice can increase anxiety, so here are some considerations to help with your selection.

NON-FICTION FEEL OR IN THE REALM OF FANTASY? Some sleep stories have a nonfiction tone, whereas others feel more fantastical. A common theme for sleep stories is travel.

Phoebe Smith is a sleep story writer for Calm, the well-known sleep and meditation app, but she also has a wealth of experience in travel writing, which is why these stories, in particular, are incredibly immersive. As travel prompts a plethora of sensory experiences, these stories are often rich in imaginary

mindfulness. A story about a train journey through India, for example, might evoke the aroma of spicy chai and sunset colours.

Other stories, while not journeys, focus on sensory-rich processes such as perfume-making, cooking, or gardening. Some are set in the past and offer evocative imagery such as a picnic in Edwardian England high summer.

If non-fiction style sleep stories might not be your cup of tea, maybe you fancy hunkering down in a hobbit house or relaxing with Alice in her Wonderland? Many sleep stories draw on classic or children’s literature, without the energetic parts! Others re-tell mythology, folk, or fairytales highlighting whimsy, cosiness, or nature. Fancy a forest forage with unicorns or diving with mermaids? Your wish is a sleep story’s command! If you gain pleasure from nostalgia or being part of traditions bigger than your own, then these may be for you.

SENSE OF PLACE For many, location is the most important factor in unlocking relaxation. Some people might resonate more with stories set in nature, whether wild locations

like Patagonia or gentler ones like a wildflower meadow. From mountain-top cabins amidst blizzards to hammocks overlooking turquoise lagoons, sleep stories cover every corner of the globe, season, and weather.

For those who love autumnal hues and thick-knit jumpers, perhaps a story set during the New England fall? Others may find urban settings more comforting, even though these are traditionally less associated with relaxation.

Water is often synonymous with letting go, which may entice sleep; imagine an ocean lapping a pebbled shore or a brook babbling past an English cottage garden.

POINT OF VIEW AND NARRATION Sleep stories take a variety of points of view; some use the firstperson ‘I’, others take the secondperson ‘you’, or a character’s name.

Secondly, as Tina Chummun notes, some include “deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation” creating “a sense of validation and support”. Finally, it’s only natural that the sound of certain narrators’ voices work more for some individuals than for others.

Feel free to take as many nights as you need to explore which styles make you feel the most relaxed and sleepy. You may find out in the mornings that you didn’t make it to the end of the story!

Tina Chummun is a psychotherapist and trauma specialist. Head to the Counselling Directory for more insight.

Rosie Cappuccino is a Mind Media Award-winning blogger and author of ‘Talking About BPD: A Stigma-Free Guide to Living a Calmer, Happier Life with Borderline Personality Disorder’.

Ask the experts

How do I adjust to becoming a carer?

Integrative counsellor and psychotherapist Neil Gaw answers your questions on navigating life as a carer Read more about Neil Gaw on the Counselling Directory.

Q How might my life change after becoming a carer?

A

The change to a person’s life when becoming a carer can be gradual or very sudden, depending on their age (such as when catering for elderly parents) and/or what condition the person they are caring for is suffering from.

Q

What might the emotional effects of caregiving be?

A

Many of the carers I have worked with spend much of their time worrying about the person they are caring for. The list of responsibilities they have can seem to be endless, and they have thoughts whizzing

With an illness such as dementia, for example, the change might be slow, but you notice your responsibilities towards that person become more necessary over time. If somebody suffers a stroke, then the changes could happen overnight, and adjustments need to be made in all parts of your

life. A carer may have to manage medications, appointments (arranging and providing travel), personal care, as well as juggling finances. You may want to consider whether you are able to be a carer and continue with work. Or does that go on hold, as well as many other aspects of your social life?

around all day about whether they have done everything they need to. Being a carer can lead to loneliness and isolation, with many experiencing anxiety and depression – feeling that you are on your own with this, and struggling to maintain relationships.

Guilt can be a massive factor and take many forms: guilt that

they are not doing enough; guilt that they are not looking after themselves; and even guilt that they feel resentful towards the person they are caring for. Often, lastly, comes grief and loss if the person passes. This can be mixed with feelings of relief as the burden is lifted which, again, can lead to more guilty feelings.

Counselling Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Neil’s practical tips to support carers’ wellbeing:

Q

Can counselling help me cope with this emotional load?

A

Yes, being able to speak to somebody freely about the emotional and physical effects you are going through helps many carers. Having somebody who is separate from their lives as a carer, who they can talk to without

1. Seek support: Look for support from family members, local charities, and groups.

Many carers have siblings who could help with the care of parents, but most of the responsibilities seem to fall on one person. Speak to your family members if you are struggling, and ask for help.

There are also lots of charities that may be able to provide help and respite, as well as advice on finances.

2. Practise self-care: Self-care is crucial, and it’s not just about bubble baths and spa days.

Self-care can mean setting boundaries, making time for yourself, and being disciplined about taking care of your health. This is important judgement, can help to lighten the because you will find it harder load. Through counselling, a carer to look after someone else if can learn to see their own thoughts your own health suffers. and feelings as valid, which can be 3. Stay connected: Maintain your difficult when so much of their time social connections. Isolation is devoted to somebody else. A can exacerbate feelings of counsellor can advise on methods and depression and anxiety. Stay strategies that can help to cope with connected with friends, and situations and, along with anxious and participate in social activities depressive thoughts, looking at ways when possible. to express your emotions. happiful.com | Issue 89 | 31

The recipe for contentment

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Early research shows that the simple act of cooking could have a positive impact on our wellbeing. So, why does this link exist, and how can you capitalise on it?

ooking can sometimes seem like drudgery, a rushed affair at the end of the day. However, what if we consider it differently: an opportunity to slow down, to enjoy taste and flavour, and to really be in the moment?

Doing so could harness the positive effects of cooking on our mental health, which are so pronounced that some therapists are now prescribing culinary therapy to their patients. It’s a relatively new form of mental health support, but interest is rapidly growing. So, if you want to try a different approach to talking through your problems, maybe it’s time to get creative in the kitchen.

Anecdotally, perhaps you can remember a time when cooking something delicious made you feel a sense of accomplishment,

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Writing | Kate Orson

or when getting absorbed in preparing food took your mind off a problem. Research into the benefits of cooking therapy is still in its infancy, but there is growing evidence that it can help our mental health. In one study, published in the Journal of Burn Care and Research, it was found that taking part in cookery interventions resulted in less anxiety in burn victims.

Another study shared in the journal Progress in Rehabilitation Medicine saw that cooking reduced the psychological symptoms of dementia, such as anxiety. And a survey of New Zealand teenagers, published in Nutrients, found that those who could cook a meal reported happier feelings overall.

Mental health and cooking is an area of interest for Dr Nicole Farmer. In an interview on the

‘Speaking of Science’ podcast, she said: “What we found in the literature is that there is intriguing evidence that cooking improves one’s global sense of self. That can come through cooking confidence, or through improved relationships through sharing food, or engaging with people regarding recipes.

We also found some studies that looked at the quality of life of people who went through cooking interventions, and their quality of life assessments improved.’’

Tempted to try it out? Here are some ideas to start harnessing the benefits of cooking.

SEEK Inspiration

The repeated dilemma, day after day, of what to cook for dinner can be overwhelming. One thing I have begun implementing in my own life is the concept of a ‘chef’s

date’. Perhaps you have heard of the concept of ‘the artist’s date’, from the book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. It’s a once-weekly date to nurture your inner artist to boost creativity. If you feel uninspired about cooking, then feeding your inner cook can be one way to bring back pleasure and inspiration to cooking and food. >>> happiful.com | Issue 89 | 33

The slower you go, the more relaxed you may feel Having something to prepare, which inspires and uplifts you, can already be a mood booster.

It’s no longer about preparing something just because you have to, but because it’s going to be delicious!

Slow preparation Choose an activity that might inspire your cooking creativity.

Some ideas could include: • Take a wander around your neighbourhood/nearby city, and browse the menus outside restaurants.

• Look at cookbooks in your local library.

• Flick through cookery magazines or websites.

• Watch a cookery YouTube channel or listen to a food podcast.

• Take a virtual online trip to a food destination like London, New York, or Paris, and look at the menus of restaurants online. What’s on the menu, and how could you create a simpler version at home?

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Slow cooking can give you an opportunity to enjoy the process.

Is there a podcast, audiobook, or video on YouTube that you’d like to listen to? Some upbeat music, or just some well-needed silence?

Choosing something to stimulate your mind can stop cooking from being a means to an end, but a moment to enjoy.

Choose a time to cook when you aren’t in a rush, for example, a weekend afternoon when you don’t have anything planned. The slower you go, the more relaxed you may feel. You could try sitting at the kitchen table to chop, or having a moment in the open air if you have a garden or balcony.

I love pre-preparing everything in small bowls like they do on the cooking shows. So if I’m making a curry with lots of steps I’ll put the chopped onion in one bowl, garlic and ginger in another, and put the different sets of spices in their own individual bowls. That

way there’s no sudden rush to get everything ready.

Tasting as you go

Are you the kind of person who likes to follow a recipe, or do you prefer to experiment a little? Tasting food as you go can give you the opportunity to slow down, and experience the pleasure of heightened taste awareness.

Niki Segnit is the author of The Flavour Thesaurus, and Lateral Cooking – a guide to being more creative in the kitchen. Her work helps chefs understand how certain foods pair well together to create the perfect combinations.

Niki says: “If you really want to freestyle, be like a perfumier, and just open your spice cupboard. Toast some spices with some oil and taste them. Notice the flavour of the spices on their own, and then in different combinations. You can see what each spice contributes and understand why, for example, cumin, coriander seed, and garam masala are so often together in Indian cooking.’’

So, next time you have a few hours to spare, why not step into your kitchen, see what’s available, and seek out a bit of creative input to conjure up something to tickle your tastebuds? It might just boost your mood too.

How di do? V d you isit ‘Freeb ies’ se the ction shop. o h to fin appiful.co n d the m a and m nswers, ore!

Take 5

Press pause and spend a quiet moment enjoying some puzzling fun

Wordsearch

Warm up those thinking gears as you scour the grid (right) for 12 plants hidden within. Want an extra challenge? Try to find the five additional plant names not included in the list. Good luck!

• Begonia • Bluebell • Daisy • Dahlia • Foxglove • Heather • Iris • Ivy • Lavender • Lilac • Nightshade • Thistle

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Using the letters in the wheel no more than once each time, create as many words as you can of letters of three or more, always including the letter at the centre of the wheel. Want an extra challenge? Set yourself a time limit – 2 minutes, go!

10 = puzzle pro 15 = wordsmith wizard 20+ = Shakespearean superstar

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THE JOY OF OPEN MICS How sharing your voice in local spaces could be a transformative, empowering experience Writing | Caroline Butterwick

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take a deep, calm breath, pick up the sheets of paper from the table in front of me, and walk to the front of the room. As I glance at the audience and adjust the microphone, I realise something surprising: I’m feeling good.

For the past year or so, I’ve been coming along to open mic nights in my adopted hometown of Stoke-on-Trent. I love listening to other people perform, and enjoy the sense of warmth, connection, and joy of this shared experience.

Each time, I said to myself: “Maybe I should give it a go.”

Open mic nights take place across the country. They are often hosted in places like bars, cafes, arts venues, or libraries, and are a chance for anyone to perform, with several – sometimes dozens – of people taking to the stage each time. Some open mics are for any kind of performance – poetry, music, or comedy, for example – whereas others specialise in a certain art form.

“Whether you attend an open mic alone, in a group, stay in the audience, or dare to perform something, you enter a space where the point is to be reached, to reach back in response. And to be a part of something larger, 36 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

beyond oneself, but also rooted in community,” says counsellor Louisa Harvey. “The oft-used term ‘self-help’ betrays the fact of our need to feel a part of something, to belong, to be in a community with people at the kind of distance that our neurodiversity, temperaments, confidence levels, and introversion/ extroversion might suit.”

Open mics are a chance to connect with others. “They are potentially loneliness-busting, relationship-creating, emotionally moving, inspiring places that represent an honouring of courage, vulnerability, creativity, laughter, and meaning-making,” adds Louisa.

TAKING CENTRE STAGE AT AN OPEN MIC NIGHT

There is joy in watching others perform – and there shouldn’t be any pressure to read something if you don’t feel comfortable doing so. But there is also joy in getting up and sharing something you’ve created.

“A favourite spoken word poet of mine, Andrea Gibson, says: ‘We have to create; it is the only thing louder than destruction,’” Louisa tells me. “That destruction might be global, and it can also be explicitly self-destructive, or about the little

ways in which we might sabotage ourselves or go against our better judgement in life, for whatever reason.

“To create and to share what one creates is to be vulnerable, to dare to take up space, to risk judgement, to take oneself seriously, to embody courage and to express something that might reach others. By doing so, we give ourselves the message that we are allowed these things, that there is strength in them, and we might find ourselves able to be softer with ourselves and others for it.

“In another life, some years back in East London, I ran poetry open mic nights for people who had mental health difficulties,” adds Louisa.

“Tens of people came each month, some from outside of London, and they created a supportive, courageous, radically encouraging web that brought people together, who would not necessarily otherwise have crossed paths. Friendships were created in people who were otherwise socially isolated. Some of those are still connected now.”

PERFORMING POETRY

Buoyed by the sense of community and warmth at the

CREATIVE CORNER

Louisa Harvey is a psychodynamic counsellor. Get in touch via the Counselling Directory.

events I’d been to, I decided I wanted to perform. I’d had a few ideas brewing for poems, and one lovely afternoon a friend and I sat together in a café and did some writing. The words flowed, and then I took the drafts home and edited the two poems, and felt happy with what I’d created.

Still, I was a little nervous about performing – and that’s a really normal way to feel.

Louisa gives the following tips for feeling more confident when performing at an open mic night: • Practise your piece.

• Know that you are allowed to do it scared.

• Picture someone in your life who really celebrates you without condition – or a character who embodies this if you don’t have this in your life – and metaphorically place them where you need them (e.g. beside you, or at the back of the room with a knowing smile).

• If your limbs shake, move gently, don’t try harder to hold still, allow some movement, stim if you need to.

• Remember that most members of the audience are rooting for you to do well, they want to listen, and they have applause or finger snaps waiting.

• Appreciate yourself – doing this may give someone else a feeling that they can too.

• Afterwards, make sure to really acknowledge what you did, from creating to performing and all the bits in between.

I found practising reading my two poems out loud the day before helped me feel more comfortable.

And, as Louisa says, I reminded myself that the people in the room

would be supportive, and that there was nothing to worry about.

When my friend introduced me as the next poet, I took a calming breath, went up, read my two poems, and felt so proud of myself for giving it a go. I loved chatting to other people afterwards – one of my poems sparked an interesting conversation – and felt such happiness at being part of this community. And, I’m already drafting more poetry. So, who’s up next? happiful.com | Issue 89 | 37

Low-energy activities (tha t d o n’ t r e q u i r e mor e s c r e e n ti me ) For when you want to recharge, but don’t want to just stare at your screens, try these restorative activities

Complete a puzzle

Make a scrapbook

Get creative in the kitchen

Watch the sunset

Listen to your favourite songs

Take a luxurious shower

Try a guided meditation

for a walk and Complete Happiful’s Gobreathe in the journaling pages (head to p83) fresh air

38 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

relationships

Going solo

More and more women are choosing to start a family by themselves, and are discovering a number of unexpected benefits Writing | Laura Cooke

A “

lot of people ask: ‘Do you struggle being a single parent?

Do you find it difficult?’ But I don’t, really. It’s just been me since the beginning,” says Melissa Smith. “We’ve got our own routine, I’m very used to how I do it, and have never had to discuss parenting with somebody else.”

Melissa is one of the 3 million single parents living in the UK today.

According to Gingerbread, the leading national charity working with single parent families, roughly 90% of these are women.

There are many negative stereotypes surrounding single mothers – for example, that they are always struggling, or have in some way failed with their life choices. But there are an increasing number of women who deliberately choose to take the road to solo parenthood – and are thriving.

“We live in a society where many women raise children and work as well, women are no longer reliant on a partner to have a child in the same way that they used to be,” explains Navit Schechter, CBT therapist and founder of the Conscious & Calm parenting site.

“For many women, their desire to have a child is stronger than their desire for a relationship, and many come to the decision to start a family by themselves >>> happiful.com | Issue 89 | 39

because they’ve not met the right person to have children with.

“Many women decide to become a solo parent as they feel like their time to have children is running out, and they’d rather be a solo parent than miss out on being a parent at all,” says Navit.

Melissa, from Northamptonshire, was in her early 30s when she found herself at a crossroads, after breaking up with her long-time partner. “I was at the stage where I wanted to have children. I dated, but hadn’t met anybody that I was particularly interested in,” she explains.

“Everyone says you’ve got to be careful when you get to 35 as your fertility drops, and I didn’t want to force a relationship to have a child. So, I decided to look into options.”

Melissa underwent a series of tests at a fertility clinic before being given the green light to undergo IUI (intrauterine insemination), using imported sperm from a donor in Denmark.

“I spoke to my parents about it and they were really on board,” says Melissa. “My mum completely understood. She said she’d always wanted children and if she hadn’t met my dad, she would have still wanted them.”

The first treatment didn’t work, while the second IUI resulted in a chemical pregnancy. But on her third and final IUI in August 2021, 40 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

relationships

I can parent in the style that suits me best, without having to negotiate how to parent with someone else Melissa achieved her wish – she was pregnant.

Melissa, a senior occupational health and wellbeing specialist at Network Rail, had good support, including her employer, who allowed time off for appointments with the fertility clinic, and also when she suffered from morning sickness.

Melissa admits that the pregnancy was tougher than she expected. She had to be induced at 39 weeks, and her baby girl, Calanthe, was delivered via emergency C-section.

Pregnancy and caring for a newborn can be a lonely and isolating experience, even for women with partners, so Melissa sought out another mum-to-be to share the highs and lows.

“I met a friend via the Peanut app. She had IVF with her partner and was due the day before me,” she says. “We became really good friends. We have compared notes the whole time.”

Melissa added: “She also found pregnancy really hard, and I don’t think I found it any harder being on my own.”

Katie Barnes, from Henley, Oxfordshire, decided to undergo fertility treatment at 37 following a relationship break-up, and knows the importance of seeking support from others.

“One of my best friends also decided to go down the solo

route, and our children were born just a few months apart. It helps hugely knowing you are going through the same thing as someone else with similar routines, pressures, and worries,” Katie says. “It’s a huge help knowing you are not alone.”

Like Melissa, Katie had a fertility MOT before importing sperm from abroad for IUI. Her treatment worked first time and she gave birth to Olivia in late 2021.

Her daughter did not sleep through the night until 10 months, which Katie says was “brutal”, but now she is reaping the benefits of solo parenting.

“I can parent in the style that suits me best, without having to negotiate how to parent with someone else,” she says. “I only need to focus on the relationship I have with my daughter. And I don’t think the relationship my daughter has with her grandmother would be as close if I had a partner.

“I also think there is a huge benefit from just having one set of rules and boundaries for a child.”

Women like Katie and Melissa are helping to change the narrative surrounding single mothers, a term traditionally loaded with stigma. But there is evidence that more and more women are choosing solo parenthood, sometimes at an even younger age.

“I know some women in their late 20s who have decided to do it because they’ve got a good job, a house, but have not met the right person and don’t want to force it. They don’t have to settle,” Melissa says. “I think that’s a really positive thing. It’s, without a doubt, been the best decision I have ever made.”

Katie added: “The more I talk to people, the more surprised I am when they tell me that they know other women who have done it, too. I didn’t know anyone before I embarked on it myself.

“I think there will always be people that see this route as ‘unacceptable’ due to the fact that the child is being knowingly deprived of a father, and this was something I wrestled with myself when choosing to do it, even consulting a life coach. But I don’t think those people would change their minds even if there was more awareness.”

Although Katie says she would consider having a second child with a partner, as far as Melissa is concerned, the experience of solo parenting has changed her view on romantic relationships.

“For me, the love of my life isn’t a man – it’s my daughter instead,” she says. “I feel completely at peace. I just don’t care if I never dated again, I’m not interested anymore. I am complete with her.” happiful.com | Issue 89 | 41

How to navigate wage gaps in friendships We all want to celebrate our friends’ milestone moments – whether that’s a special birthday, holiday, or hen do – but it shouldn’t cause you to break a sweat (or the bank) to do so.

Here, columnist Michelle Elman discusses friendship wage gaps, and how to communicate your spending limits with mates Writing | Michelle Elman

W

ho remembers the episode in Friends called ‘The One With Five Steaks and an Eggplant’?

Ross’s birthday becomes a point of contention after one too many occasions out for the group sees them divided over what’s affordable, when it’s brought to their attention that a waitress, largely unemployed actor, and masseuse’s salary just can’t compare to that of an archaeologist, chef, and whatever-job-Chandler-doesthat-has-something-to-do-withspreadsheets.

As we get older, you’ve probably found that this episode has become more relatable, not only because wage disparities seem to increase with age, but also because financial expectations for socialising seem to grow – whether it’s needing to go abroad to celebrate a friend’s wedding – or the accompanying

42 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

hen/stag do and engagement party – baby showers, housewarming gifts, and not forgetting milestone birthdays. At the same time, our financial responsibilities can cause more pressure, with everything from home repairs to dependents, pets, debt, saving for something special, or perhaps we’re simply struggling with the cost of living.

Whatever our financial situation might be, what we are willing to spend on socialising can change, and therefore money issues can arise because we are more selective and cautious with where we spend our money than we were in our youth. So, how do we navigate this in a way that we won’t lose the connections that matter to us?

The best place to start is setting boundaries before they are broken.

If you are about to go on a holiday with friends, communicate about the price point before anything is even booked, or anyone starts

looking for hotels. Before you set off, have conversations about what you are willing to indulge in, and what you would prefer to be a bit more frugal around. I remember learning this lesson when I moved in with three friends. Two housemates would rather spend their money on nights out than paying for heating, while my other housemate and I had thought that it was common sense to spend money on the bills before you spend it on things that could be considered unnecessary. Everyone has different priorities, and until you check and communicate them, you are setting yourself up for mismatched expectations.

Communication is a word that is often overused in personal development, but when it comes to monetary issues, it is vital.

Always ask instead of assuming.

A friend of mine recently told me about how she was added

@MICHELLELELMAN

The best place to start is setting boundaries before they are broken

into a group chat for a hen do, and was expected to pay £300 without knowing what the money was going to, or what they were doing. The request came from the maid of honour, whom she had never met, and she felt too uncomfortable and awkward to question this in a group chat full of other people she didn’t know. This difficult scenario could have been avoided if some consideration had been given – for example, checking in prior to forming the group chat, or a discussion about the budget could have been the starting point, various options for budgets could

have been voted on, or, at the least, ensuring clear communication around what the money would be going towards so people could decide if they were comfortable moving forwards.

In this situation, it was difficult because she didn’t know the person, but within a friendship, you should also be able to say, “Hey! I’ve been feeling lately that sometimes when we plan things, there is an assumption that we have the same amount of disposable income, but we don’t. It can make me feel uncomfortable, but I want you to know, just because I can’t join in on all parts

of your celebration doesn’t mean I don’t love and care about you. I am going to work out the details, and if I can’t attend, I would love to do something else to celebrate.”

Your love and care should not be measured by what you can afford, and £300 is a very different amount for someone who makes £30,000 to someone who makes £300,000 a year, so making that comparison is not a fair judgement.

Ultimately, if they are a friend, you should be able to be honest with them, and if they react unkindly or with judgement, then that is information you need to pay attention to, and it’s better you know sooner than later.

Bringing up financial conversations can be daunting, but too many people-pleasers go into debt trying to make those around them happy. Money should not be the deciding factor on whether someone stays in your life, and so if that becomes a condition of your friendship, realistically, that’s not a friendship you want anyway.

Michelle Elman is an author, TEDx speaker, and five-board accredited life coach. Follow her on Instagram @michellelelman happiful.com | Issue 89 | 43

7 ways to balance female hormone health with lifestyle From acne to low mood, how can we use lifestyle changes to address some common hormonal symptoms?

Writing | Elizabeth Bennett

W

hether it’s period cramps, emotional ups and downs, or other issues like acne, bloating, or low energy, women can experience a range of symptoms as a result of their fluctuating, monthly hormonal cycle. While problems that cause significant pain or disruption should be discussed with a doctor, there are some small tweaks to both food and lifestyle that can make a big difference to how you feel on a monthly basis.

Don’t be afraid of fats

When it comes to eating for hormone health, nutritionist and intuitive eating counsellor Sarah Grant highlights that the biggest 44 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

mistake women make is not getting enough fat in their diet.

“Fats serve as building blocks for the synthesis of most of our hormones, and maintain the health of cell membranes and

nerve cells,” she points out. The fats you need are the healthy ones like nuts, seeds, avocados, olive oil, coconut oil, and oily fish. Alongside this, Sarah emphasises the importance of

food & health

complex carbohydrates like sweet potatoes, quinoa, and legumes to balance blood sugar, which supports healthy insulin function – a key component of hormone health.

Stock up on omega-3

Another really important nutrient for a hormone-happy diet is the inclusion of omega-3-rich foods.

Sarah names two key sources: oily fish (such as tuna, mackerel, and sardines) and flax seed.

“Studies suggest omega-3 fatty acids may reduce inflammation, and support a healthy balance of oestrogen and progesterone,” Sarah says. Flax seeds go one step further to help hormone health, acting as fibre for a healthy gut and also as a good source of lignans. “This is a type of phytoestrogen that may have oestrogen-modulating effects in the body, helping regulate menstrual cycles, and protecting against particular hormonal conditions.”

Prioritise sleep

One of the biggest things you can do to improve hormone health is to ensure you get some solid shut-eye each night.

Sarah recommends seven to nine hours, depending on your body. “Quality sleep is needed to support the regulation of numerous hormones, including melatonin and growth hormone, and to promote regular menstrual cycles,” she says. Not sleeping well also potentially has a detrimental knock-on effect. “Poor sleep can impact on energy, mood, and food choices the next day.”

Move your body

Getting off the sofa might not be the easiest thing when your hormones are getting you down, but physical activity can make a big difference to how you feel.

“Exercise may help improve insulin sensitivity, regulate oestrogen, manage stress, promote endorphin release, support quality sleep, and more,” Sarah says. Now, this doesn’t always mean a hardcore HIIT workout or long run; a walk with a friend, a dance class or some gentle yoga at home can be just as beneficial. “Choose activities that bring you joy and satisfaction, and aim for consistent, varied exercise, aligned with your personal preferences and capabilities,” Sarah says.

Take time for yourself

Stress and our hormones are intrinsically linked. It works both ways: our hormones might make us feel more stressed at some times of the month, but stress itself may disrupt said hormones too. “High stress, if prolonged, can disrupt cortisol (the hormone that spikes when we are stressed) and reproductive hormones,” Sarah explains.

Simply choosing to stress less isn’t realistic, so finding a stress reduction practice that works for you is key. “Practices such as mindfulness meditation or deep breathing exercises are very beneficial, but remember that simply taking regular time out for a quiet cuppa, reading a book, or doing anything that brings you personally a sense of calm, may also go some way towards

Sarah Grant is a nutritionist and intuitive eating counsellor. Reach out via the Nutritionist Resource.

mitigating the impact of chronic stress on hormone levels,” Sarah says. Most of all, remember that every day is different, and don’t be too hard on yourself.

Get outside

Whether or not the weather got the memo, getting out into fresh air and sunlight does wonders for hormone health and overall wellbeing. This is all because daylight regulates the body’s circadian rhythm. “This is the internal body clock that influences the sleep-wake cycle and hormone release,” Sarah explains. “If possible, try to get outside for at least 15 to 30 minutes a day.”

Consider supplements

While a healthy diet and lifestyle are always the first port of call, dietary supplements can play a role in helping balance hormones for some women. “Women may benefit from vitamin D, magnesium, omega-3 and vitamin B6, which all play different roles in hormone synthesis and regulation,” Sarah says.

However, with product quality and consideration of individual needs important, it is best to take advice about supplements from a trained professional to assess what may benefit you personally. happiful.com | Issue 89 | 45

“Pets are humanising. They remind us we have an obligation and responsibility to preserve and nurture and care for all life JAMES CROMWELL

Photograph | Meruyert Gonullu

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relationships

ECONOMIC ABUSE: Know the signs

Money is a powerful weapon in the hands of an abuser; learn how to spot the signs that something isn’t right Writing | Tracie Couper

P

icture the scene: the bailiffs are battering on the front door, demanding you hand over goods worth £4,000 – there’s an overdue payment on your credit card. It’s a credit card you have no knowledge of. One your abusive partner has taken out in your name, and not paid a penny towards. Hiding the letters demanding payment, keeping you completely in the dark, this scenario is not the opening scenes of a TV drama; this is a real picture of economic abuse.

Here’s another one: you’re exhausted from working your day job plus an evening cleaning shift, all just to scrape together the rent, because your partner refuses to contribute a penny.

These are just two examples of what economic abuse looks like – a form of domestic abuse that comes in many guises.

What is economic abuse?

Simply put, it’s when a partner or ex-partner (although it could also

be a family member) is controlling your ability to earn money, access money, or they are using you to get money. Invariably, it is not operating in isolation, but alongside other forms of abuse within the relationship.

Sometimes used interchangeably with the term ‘financial abuse’, economic abuse is broader – it goes beyond withholding or taking money. It is about someone else controlling your access to money and everything in life that money gives you access to. Denying you the opportunity to flourish and support yourself on your terms.

“Economic abuse is any barrier that stops the victim/ survivor from being financially independent,” says Rennice, the senior services manager at domestic abuse charity Advance.

“It is a tactic designed to claim power and control over the victim, making it as difficult as possible for them to leave the abusive relationship. The more dependent they are on the perpetrator, the

more they believe they cannot survive without them, and are scared to try.”

Say you want to get a job, earn your own money, and enjoy the status and social stimulation of going to work and having colleagues, but your abuser is putting barriers in your way, doing everything to keep you at home and under their control, diminishing you. That could involve hiding your passport, driving licence, or other form of ID that you need to apply for a job. It might be the case that your abuser is making sure there is not enough money on your Oyster card to travel to a job interview, or hiding the car keys. It might be ensuring there is nothing in your wardrobe that is suitable to wear to a job interview. All these things are about controlling you through economic means.

Or it could be the case that you are allowed to work, but not for yourself – for your abuser, so that you can pay their way. >>> happiful.com | Issue 89 | 47

FINANCIAL ABUSE CAN BE WHEN SOMEONE: • Forces you to take out money or get credit in your name.

• Makes you hand over control of your accounts – this could include changing your login details.

• Cashes in your pension or other cheques without your permission.

• Adds their name to your account.

• Pressures you to change your will in a way you’re not comfortable with.

• Has offered to buy shopping or pay bills with your money, but takes it, and doesn’t use the money how you agreed.

• Asks you to prove what you’ve spent your money on.

• Stops you from accessing your bank, loan, or credit card accounts.

• Controls what you can and cannot spend your money on.

• Sets up direct debits from your account to pay bills which aren’t yours, or pay for goods and services which you haven’t bought.

• Pressures you to arrange for your benefits to be paid into a bank account you don’t have.

• Makes you take out new insurance policies or stops you from paying your existing ones.

48 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

Like other forms of domestic abuse, economic abuse escalates

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I t ’s e s s e n t i a l t o r e m e m b e r t h a t t h e r e a r e ways out of an abusive situation Pay for their car loan; mobile phone contract; designer clothes, or their share of the rent. You and the kids get what little money is left over and your abuser dictates exactly how much that is, and what you get to spend it on.

“Like other forms of domestic abuse, economic abuse escalates,” explains Gabriela Rojas Perez, team manager of Advance’s Angelou domestic abuse service.

“Economic abuse will almost always be accompanied by other forms of abuse, most likely emotional and psychological abuse, which make it easier for the abuser to use financial dependence as a tactic of power and control.

“As with all forms of abuse, economic abuse can be very manipulative,” Gabriela continues.

“Gaslighting is often used by the abuser to convince a partner that they are not ‘good’ with money, or tend to forget things. They will say things like ‘It’s best if I look after money matters,’ and make the victims believe that.”

While economic abuse can take a very coercive form and can

happen to anyone, it’s essential to remember that there are ways out of an abusive situation, and specialist support is available to you. Gabriela advises trying to make a safety plan when escaping abuse: keep some cash, whatever amount you can put aside, and your passport (it’s essential that you have a form of ID in your possession) in a place where the abuser will not find it. Also, contact your bank to seek support for financial abuse, and change passwords for online banking when safe to do so.

And when you are out of the situation, you don’t have to go it completely alone. The Debt and Finance Coordinator role was created at charity Advance in 2022 to address the unique financial needs of women learning how to live on their own and be in control of their finances, while going through the emotional trauma connected to their abuse. So, if you are experiencing economic abuse, seek support from a domestic abuse charity, and know that help is available to you whenever you need it.

HOW COMMON IS ECONOMIC ABUSE? • 5.5 million women in the UK have been affected by economic abuse, according to Experian plc.

• Surviving Economic Abuse research revealed one in 11 women have had access to their bank account restricted by a current or ex, and one in 13 have had credit taken out in their name without consent – equivalent to 2.1 million women.

• In 2022, at least 40% of women supported by Advance had experienced economic abuse.

If you live in London, you can call Advance for free on 0800 059 0108 or visit advancecharity.org.uk. Or you can call The National Domestic Abuse Helpline for free on 0808 2000 247. happiful.com | Issue 89 | 49

Reaching boiling point: How to get through a stressful time at work

From reassessing your working environment, to fostering moments of joy even when your to-do list is packed, try these tips Writing | Caroline Butterwick

J ‘

ust another month and this project will be over…’ I say to myself. For many of us, there are stressful periods in our jobs, whether we work for someone else or are self-employed. There might be a project that’s really intense, or an event that’s been a nightmare to organise, and you may well find yourself wishing it was all over and done with.

Work is often a big part of our lives, so stresses in our jobs can impact our overall mental health and wellbeing. And if we spend, say, eight hours a day working – even if we’re able to switch off afterwards – that’s a big chunk of time that we’re potentially dealing with something difficult.

“Stressful times at work can be difficult emotionally, because they can remind us of previous struggles or bring up negative self-beliefs,” says counsellor Laura Spreitzer. “Frequent stress at work may indicate deeper problems.

It’s important to identify the root cause. Are you a perfectionist?

Perfectionism, while driving achievement, can lead to burnout.”

50 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

For me, a stressful period at work ties in with things like my imposter syndrome and perfectionism. I can worry that I’m not performing at my absolute best, and then start to spiral with how other people must be picking up on every little thing that hasn’t gone brilliantly. My mind conjures up worst-case scenarios, imagining what could go wrong.

Dealing with colleagues or managers can be a big contributor to a stressful period at work, too. If there’s an important project you’re all working on, you may feel the pressure from your line manager, which can add to the anxiety.

You might find yourself facing an unrealistic workload and tight deadlines that understandably cause you stress and make your workdays feel intense.

When is a stressful time at work is a sign of a bad workplace?

To some extent, it can be normal for there to be periods in a job that are more stressful. The runup to a big event – such as a new launch, or national holidays like

Christmas, for example – is likely to involve more tasks, and having to manage different things at once compared to your day-to-day. But even these periods shouldn’t be made to feel too much, and there are signs that a stressful time at work is an indicator of bigger issues in your workplace.

If your line manager is giving you too much work, or expecting you to answer inquiries outside of work hours, this is a sign that they aren’t respecting your boundaries.

A line manager or colleague who criticises, or only picks up on the things that haven’t been done or could have been done better, rather than praising your good work or being constructive in their feedback, can impact how you feel.

And if a stressful time at work isn’t just a short-lived experience, but something that regularly happens, then it’s worth considering whether you’re working in a place that’s supportive of its workers.

Sometimes, a professional conversation with your line manager can help, if you feel able

wellbeing

Laura Spreitzer is a psychotherapeutic counsellor. Connect with her on the Counselling Directory.

to. You can try communicating your boundaries, such as not being phoned outside of hours, or letting them know about any issues you’re coming up against.

If you have tried this, or feel there are bigger issues at play, speak to someone like a trade union representative to share your concerns and get their advice. You deserve to have a good time at work, and to work in a place that’s supportive.

How to manage a stressful period at work

“When facing a challenging situation, like an important meeting, presentation, or decision, take a moment to ground yourself,” advises Laura.

“Simple exercises like deep breathing can bring you back to the present moment, and reduce overwhelm.

“Consider talking to a trusted colleague or manager to gain perspective,” Laura says.

“Remember, you’re part of a team!

If you’re self-employed, why not reach out to a friend or a mentor in your field?”

It can be easy to wish time away when things are stressful, but it’s also about finding ways to make things better in the now.

Knowing that a stressful situation is temporary can help you keep perspective and get through it; how you’re feeling isn’t going to be the case forever. But chances are, you don’t want to see the few weeks of stress as being an inevitably difficult period to just get through – you can still find joy.

“When stressed, prioritise your wellbeing outside of work,” advises Laura. “Identify activities that nurture you and reduce stress, such as taking a walk in nature, soaking in a relaxing bath, or spending time with friends.”

When work is stressful, I make a point of scheduling activities like dinner with friends. It can be tempting to withdraw at stressful times, but I know that I am nourished by being with people I care about. Sitting around a dining table with loved ones reminds me that I have a good life outside of work, and makes whatever my workday involves seem less intense. The work stress fades into the background, and everything feels more manageable. happiful.com | Issue 89 | 51

M EE TT O O TT II M RR EE LL EE AA SS EE OM M EE SS O N SS II O ON N TT EE N Throughout the day, we can build up tension, as stress and worries pile up on top of us. Scan your body for these key points of pressure…

Work from the top of your body to the bottom, stopping at each key point to assess whether you’re holding onto tension. If you are, focus on relaxing and letting it go, and then move down to the next checkpoint.

Forehead. Are you frowning or squinting?

Jaw. Are your teeth clenched, or is your jaw tense?

Shoulders. Are your shoulders raised?

What is your posture like?

Chest. Check your breathing; are you holding your breath?

Stomach. Have you been holding your stomach in, or tensing it up?

Lower back. How are you sitting or standing?

Do you have any aches or pains?

fresh ideas

5 tips for dealing with NHS mental health waiting lists Being on a long waiting list can be challenging and distressing. Here, we share advice on taking care of yourself while you wait for support Writing | Rosie Cappuccino

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ife with mental health problems can be hugely challenging, and waiting weeks, months, or even years for professional support can bring additional demands. According to a report by the National Audit Office, the latest estimate put the mental health waiting list at 1.2 million people, and it seems that everyone knows someone who is on a waiting list for mental health support – whether that’s a friend, family member, colleague, or yourself.

It may be waiting for talking therapies, diagnostic assessments that GPs are not qualified to carry out, or medication reviews by psychiatrists, but waiting for treatment can make an already stressful situation even more upsetting. “Untreated mental problems can worsen over time without timely support, and can become more complex, requiring more treatment over the longer term,” person-centred counsellor Lianne Terry explains. Without access to professional mental

health support, individuals may feel confused and not know how to cope, Lianne points out.

“Several areas of a person’s life can be affected too, such as work, family, or relationships.”

With that in mind, here are five tips for making the wait a little more comfortable.

1. REMEMBER IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT For lots of reasons, people with mental health difficulties may experience low self-esteem or >>> happiful.com | Issue 89 | 53

feelings of worthlessness. When we are struggling emotionally, it’s only natural to internalise a long waiting time and have thoughts such as ‘I don’t deserve help,’ or ‘Nobody wants to help me.’ It’s important to remember that a long waiting time is not a sign that you are undeserving, but a symptom of an over-stretched health system.

“Long waiting times can contribute to feelings of being undervalued or overlooked, and can also diminish hope and trust,” Lianne says. Imagine what the professional you are waiting to see would say to you – most likely they would say they value you, feel compassion for your wait, and wish they could see you promptly.

2. REDUCE SELFJUDGEMENTS AND INCREASE SELFCOMPASSION Often, people with mental health problems feel guilty or ashamed of their struggles, and experience self-judgements such as ‘I’m a burden,’ or ‘Others have it so much worse.’ Try to notice these for what they are: judgements that are not accurate reflections of you. Try to use affirmations such as, ‘Everyone deserves support,’ or ‘I am worthy of help.’

Lianne recommends gently turning your attention to meaningful activities. Pursue 54 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

activities that you enjoy and that provide a sense of accomplishment. Whether it’s gardening, reading, or crafting, engaging in hobbies can be a great way to distract and uplift yourself.

3. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF Keep a dated log of appointments, noting down the clinician’s name and any outcomes. If a referral is made, ask what the estimated waiting time is to be seen, and clarify whether that’s for an initial assessment or the start of treatment.

Once your waiting time is nearly up, it may be helpful to call or email to check that you are on track to be seen. If your wait is set to be more than a year, make contact every few months to receive an update. Having an idea of the waiting time, no matter how long, is less anxiety-provoking than not knowing at all.

It’s worth asking how you will be contacted for an appointment once one does become available.

Check your email spam folder reguarly just in case, and ensure the service has up-to-date postal and email addresses for you. Set your phone to accept withheld numbers (as health services often use these for confidentiality), and be sure to check your voicemail regularly.

4. SEEK ALTERNATIVE, COMPLEMENTARY SUPPORT WHILE YOU WAIT “Make use of mental health helplines and online resources, organisations like Samaritans, Mind, and Anxiety UK which offer support and information, along with exploring books or apps that offer self-help techniques and coping strategies, such as CBT workbooks, and mindfulness apps like Headspace and Calm,” Lianne says. While these aren’t a replacement for support from a mental health professional, they can be helpful for day-to-day coping mechanisms.

Even though lots of us are on waiting lists for mental health care, the countdown to be seen can feel lonely. Connection with others is especially important at this time. “Share your feelings and concerns with trusted friends or family members,” says Lianne.

“Join a support group, either online or in person, where you can connect with others facing similar challenges.”

5. BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR RESEARCH While waiting you are likely to have numerous questions such as ‘Why do I feel this way?’ and ‘Will things ever improve?’ The anticipation and tension can be especially high if you’re awaiting a

diagnostic assessment, for example, to understand whether you are autistic, or have ADHD – or a mental health condition that requires a psychiatrist to diagnose, such as bipolar disorder.

It’s completely understandable to feel impatient, frustrated, anxious – or even scared, angry, and upset.

Feeling all of these emotions, and more, is completely valid.

No matter how desperate you feel for answers, take care when researching. Think critically about the information you consume, use reputable sources, and remember that everyone is unique. No amount of reading or Googling will be as effective as a professional taking the time to understand your life.

I T ’ S I M P O R TA N T TO REMEMBER T H AT A L O N G WA I T I N G T I M E IS NOT A SIGN T H AT Y O U A R E UNDESERVING

Lianne Terry is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker.

Reach out to her on the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 89 | 55

Finding peace in the pursuit of perfection: a guide for overachievers Seeking success and working hard can only be a good thing, right? It turns out the pressures of perfectionism can be detrimental to our wellbeing, so finding a balance for overachievers is essential

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feel a persistent need to validate their worth through accomplishment. This can stem from external pressures like parental expectations, a competitive environment, or an internal drive for self-worth.

• A fear of failure. The possibility of falling short can be paralysing for overachievers. The constant pursuit of perfection leaves little room for mistakes, fostering anxiety and a fear of letting themselves or others down.

• The comparison trap. Some overachievers compare themselves to others, fuelling a never-ending cycle of striving for success. Social media and societal pressures can exacerbate this tendency.

Over time, the consequences of overachieving in an unhealthy way can result in various health and wellbeing issues. One result can be chronic stress, as constant pressure can lead to elevated cortisol levels, impacting your physical and mental health. This can manifest as

NLP

Nikita is a multifaceted teacher, mentor, and coach, combining transformative modalities to support people to find their life purpose. Visit the Therapy Directory for more. headaches, sleep problems, and difficulty concentrating.

Other possible outcomes can be the fear of failure and relentless pursuit of perfection leading to anxiety and depression later in their career, as no achievement feels like ‘enough’, or addresses that need for validation – so, what was it all for? They may also find that they lose their sense of passion, as sometimes overachievers can become so fixated on the outcome that they lose sight of their intrinsic enjoyment, and the joy of the journey gets lost in the focus on the end destination. And, of course, the ultimate consequence is burnout, feeling exhaustion, cynicism, and a sense of detachment from their work and personal life.

Portrait | Julia Morris

have always been ambitious and highly motivated, with an entrepreneurial flair. Growing up, I was inspired seeing my dad running his accountancy business from home, and observing his interactions with clients. Now, I’m self-employed, running my own business, and winning awards for my work.

Striving for success can be hugely rewarding, but, of course, it doesn’t come without a cost – which may sound all too familiar to you as well. Overachievers are a driven and ambitious bunch. They set high goals, push themselves relentlessly, and often achieve remarkable things. But this can coincide with judgement and criticism from others, along with the punishing pressure to excel that can lead to stress, anxiety, and even burnout.

While their journeys and experiences can be unique, there are a few common threads that explain why overachievers may struggle: • A constant need to prove themselves. Many overachievers

NIKITA THAKRAR

EXPERT COLUMN • Practise mindfulness: Learning to be present in the moment and focusing on the process, not just the outcome. Mindfulness techniques like meditation can help manage stress and anxiety.

• Prioritise self-care: Schedule time for activities you enjoy, relaxation, and getting enough sleep. Overachievers often neglect these essential elements of wellbeing by overworking.

• Learn to say no: This is probably the most important one that ambitious people struggle with.

Don’t overload yourself – it is OK to set boundaries, delegate tasks, and sometimes to say no.

• Celebrate the journey: Focus on the process of achieving your goals, not just the end result.

Find joy in the growth, and experiences along the way.

Finding peace is not about abandoning ambition; it is about finding a sustainable approach to achieving your goals. Based on my own experience, by incorporating these tools and shifting your perspective of success, overachievers can truly thrive.

• Reframe accomplishments: Defining success beyond external validation brings a great sense of personal growth, learning, and the satisfaction of a job well done. Celebrate your

small wins, and acknowledge the effort itself.

• Embrace imperfections: Everyone makes mistakes. Learn from them, forgive yourself, and move on. Perfectionism is an illusion that leads to anxiety and prevents growth.

• Set realistic goals: Breaking down large goals into smaller, achievable steps is more likely to bring frequent milestones and ongoing progress.

Overachievement can be a powerful force for good, which can bring a great sense of meaning and purpose to our lives. By finding a balance between ambition and wellbeing, overachievers can achieve their full potential while living fulfilling and peaceful lives. Equally, healthy competition can be used in a positive way, as a tool for nurturing motivation rather than something to compare and punish yourself with.

Finally, surrounding yourself with supportive people who value you for who you are as a person, and not your achievements, might just be the missing piece of the puzzle. happiful.com | Issue 89 | 57

Stealth health: nutritious lunchbox fillers Quick and easy pitta pizzas, which make the perfect back-to-school bites Writing | Emily Furniss

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s a new school year approaches, packed lunches are back on the horizon (groan)! However, preparing nutritious lunches that children will enjoy doesn’t have to be a chore. With a little organisation, preparing varied and healthy lunches can be quick and easy.

I have yet to meet a child who doesn’t enjoy pizza, or who has failed to be converted to these simple but tasty lunchbox pitta pizzas. Encourage the children to get involved in making this healthy alternative to an alltime favourite, and rest assured they will be well-fuelled for the school day.

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Pitta pizzas served with crudites, fruit, and yoghurt Serves 4 pizzas (1 per child; 2 for older children and teens, depending on appetite).

Ingredients • 1 tbsp of olive oil • 1 small onion, peeled and sliced • 1 clove of garlic, crushed • 1 can (400g) of chopped tomatoes • 1 tsp of mixed, dried herbs • 4 wholemeal pitta breads (60g each) • 1 red, yellow or orange pepper, sliced into 1cm chunks • 8 cherry tomatoes, thinly sliced • 2 tbsp of cooked chicken

breast (leftover roast or grilled chicken is ideal), sliced into 1cm chunks • 2–3 tbsp of grated cheese (cheddar or mozzarella)

Method These pitta pizzas can be prepared and cooked the night before as they store well in the fridge. They’re perfect for saving time in the morning, or can be cooked fresh in just 10–15 minutes.

food & health

• Heat the oil in a pan and gently cook the onion and garlic until soft.

• Add the chopped tomatoes and mixed herbs, and simmer until reduced to a thick consistency.

• Spread the tomato sauce on the pitta bread and add the pepper and cherry tomatoes • Next, add the chicken chunks, followed by a sprinkling of cheese on top.

• Place under a hot grill and cook until the cheese is melted.

• Allow to cool then cut into slices and add to a lunchbox.

On the side • 4 x carrot sticks with 2 x tbsp of hummus • Small (150g) pot of natural yoghurt with a handful of chopped strawberries

The healthy bit

When preparing packed lunches for children, it is important to ensure they have a balance of good quality carbohydrates, protein, fat, fibre, and sufficient vitamins and minerals to meet their demands for growth and development. The focus should always be on whole foods in their simplest form, and limiting processed foods and drinks – which are often marketed as ‘children’s food’.

These products frequently contain high levels of sugar, salt, additives, preservatives, and few nutrients.

An easy way to encourage children to eat well is to simply adapt their favourite foods, switching to healthier ingredients, or adding in nutritious extras. In this recipe the ‘pizza’ base is switched to a wholemeal pitta bread, which provides a high-fibre source of complex carbohydrates for a slower release of energy, keeping children full for longer.

Tomatoes, peppers, and strawberries are rich in immune-supporting antioxidants, vitamin C, and lycopene – and alongside onion, garlic, and chickpeas in the humous – provide a good source of plant fibre, which is essential to support a healthy gut microbiome. Research shows that including a variety of plant foods is the key to establishing robust gut health, which is protective against a range of diverse health issues often affecting children – from digestive disorders to immune conditions, as well as cognitive function and anxiety.

Another important way to support children’s gut microbiome is to include pre and probiotic foods daily. In this recipe, prebiotic garlic

and onion in the tomato sauce ‘feed’ friendly microbes in the gut. Choosing a natural yoghurt with live probiotic cultures, such as Bifidobacterium and lactobacillus, over a high-sugar ‘children’s yoghurt’ is a great way to lower sugar intake and support the gut. Adding chopped strawberries into the yoghurt to sweeten it can be helpful. Yoghurt also delivers a good source of calcium and iodine, which are important to support bone growth and thyroid function.

Finally, making sure there is a good source of protein with meals should always be a priority. Children need protein for growth and development, and here the animal sources of protein (chicken, cheese, and yoghurt) provide ‘complete’ proteins, which consist of all nine essential amino acids that the body can only obtain from food. Chicken is a good source of lean protein which also provides B vitamins, selenium, iron, zinc, and phosphorus – which are vital for energy production and tissue growth.

Emily Furniss is a registered nutritional therapist, specialising in child and family health.

Visit the Nutritionist Resource for more. happiful.com | Issue 89 | 59

“Food is symbolic of love when words are inadequate ALAN D WOLFELT Photograph | Cottonbro Studio

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8 lessons I learned on reaching 60

From letting go of family conflict, to allowing the washing-up to wait a bit longer, Nicki Bannerman shares the lessons she’s learned along the way

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s children and teens, we long to be older and have all that seems slightly out of reach. The irony is that when we grow up, we often then yearn to be younger again. But wherever we are in life, and whichever angle we view life from, if we just stop and ponder over the blessings and teachings that we have so far, we realise that our unique ups and downs actually shape us into an evolved and somewhat wiser version of ourselves.

Here, I’m sharing eight lessons I learned when I turned 60.

1. Health truly is wealth

Be a gym bunny, choose an exercise that keeps you stronger longer, or commit to walking more. Make time to eat well, live well, and drink less. Our bodies truly are temples. And, while genetics play a part, how we look after our minds and our bodies can either come back to you with interest, or bite you on the bum.

We can’t know the future, but when we look back we ponder what we could have done differently. So, stay flexible and make food your medicine before medicine becomes your food.

2. Ignore society’s expectations

Society puts immense pressure on us: career in your 20s, the relationship and family in your 30s, the dream house and car in your 40s. Material possessions and happiful.com | Issue 89 | 61

We can’t know the future, but when we look back we ponder what we could have done differently the pressure of expectations can tell us we ‘aren’t enough’ without them. In reality, all that really matters is living a life in your own timeframe, with only what you need and with those you love.

I married late, had the dream career before children, and left it when it unravelled – and I wouldn’t change any of it. With time, material goals dissipate and things, just become clutter.

We wonder who we are trying to impress. Neighbours, work colleagues, parents? Do it for you!

3. Live your own truth

Live life for your own wellbeing and contentment. Whatever puts a fire in your belly, follow it with your whole heart. The gifts you have are uniquely yours to share with the world. Live life for you, with no regrets or apologies.

Don’t look back wishing you had tried that, learnt that, left that job, changed that relationship, been a hippie, bought a motorbike, worked remotely on an island – whatever it is, please, do it now.

Find a way. Make the decision and the path will follow. Do everything while you can.

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4. Memories and experiences really matter

I have been blessed with two (now young adult) children, and am over the moon to create memories and magic in the mundane with them. Whether we’re laughing in the rain or travelling across the globe, those quality moments are everything.

Money aside, you can always make time to create incredible experiences. You can play a board game, cook together, light a fire, watch a movie, or take a picnic to an amazing location. Memories shared are very special, so focus more on experiences than the hollow material things in life, and cherish those times. The best things in life really are free. Make some magical memories today.

5. Hold on to your relationships with loved ones Family and friends lift you up as you climb, or are a safety net when you fall. They mirror back to you your own wonder (and your faults) to help move you along your path. They may challenge or teach you, and your siblings are actually the only people on Earth who know and understand your childhood.

Many of my contemporaries have fallen out with their siblings (under the pressure of grief or caring duties). They know you inside out, so don’t let pride eat you up, make up. Friends are like extended family to me, and the sisters I never had. Life changes fast, embrace your nearest and dearest and try to be kind – we

positive pointers

don’t know what others carry in their minds and hearts. When you have lost family, as I have, you realise you would give everything back for just one more day with someone you truly care about.

in fact, your whole life can change in as little as six months or less when you are older, so enjoy life today. Joy matters and the dishes never disappear, but people can.

6. Try not to get caught up in the drudge of life

If your friends, family, work colleagues, or partner don’t trust and respect your boundaries then call them out. Wear your heart on your sleeve, and tell others that you love them. Tell them when you see them do something special, but also when their actions are difficult to take.

Run from toxic relationships or co-dependent situations. If today, you take one step in the right direction, you will look back a year from now and be proud to see how far you have really come.

We spend so much time caught up in our busy lives and things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, so choose to focus on what you are passionate about, and create the life you want and deserve.

Forget the drudge and make time to play with those demanding kids instead of doing the dishwasher.

Leave the hoovering and go out for a cuppa with someone who is in need. Life can change so quickly –

7. Be honest with people

8. Find your tribe

Whether your joy is in a hobby, your community, work, or your friendship group, make time to connect with those ‘like-minded’ souls who truly ‘get you’ and have similar interests or mindsets. It will raise you up.

I used to pretend I was younger than I am, but now I am finally proud to look in the mirror and know I am still here, enjoying life in my 60s. I have done 60 amazing things this year, from karaoke in a blues bar with my kids to going on tour with an award-winning choir – and even being an extra on TV and travelling around the world solo. Now, I am awaiting my next hip replacement! Life is short and is exactly what you make it. Enjoy every second. happiful.com | Issue 89 | 63

7 types of rest you need to feel recharged

Get serious about rest, by embracing these seven different types Writing | Elizabeth Bennett

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hen you think of resting, chances are it’s lying on the sofa or taking a nap that comes to mind. However, resting isn’t just about giving our physical bodies a break. In fact, there are actually seven different types of rest that we all need.

“We are composed of a mind, body, and soul, and this means that when we consider resting, it is not merely the absence of any activity, but a concept that encompasses various dimensions of our physical, mental, emotional, and psychological being,” Tina Chummun, a psychotherapist and trauma specialist, explains. “While physical rest is often prioritised, because this is where we may feel exhaustion the most, neglecting other types of rest can lead to burnout, decreased productivity, and compromised health and wellbeing.”

Understanding, recognising, and prioritising these seven types of rest – physical, mental, emotional, sensory, creative, social, and spiritual – is therefore essential. By attending to these, we can recharge our energy sufficiently. “Remember, true rest is not a luxury – it’s a necessity

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for thriving in an increasingly demanding world,” Tina adds.

1. PHYSICAL REST The most obvious type of rest, this involves giving your body time to recover from physical exertion, and includes sleep and resting the body throughout the day. “Adequate sleep is crucial for repairing tissues, regulating hormones, and boosting immune function – while taking breaks during the day to stretch, relax muscles, or engage in gentle movement can alleviate tension and enhance overall wellbeing,” Tina explains.

2. MENTAL REST We all know that frazzled feeling when you have too many tabs open in your brain, and you can’t concentrate on anything. “In our fast-paced, technologically advanced world, our minds are constantly bombarded with information and triggered by stimuli, leading to cognitive overload,” Tina says.

Building mental rest into your days is crucial to ease cognitive strain, restore mental clarity, and improve focus. Taking time away from screens and technology is key here, and practising

mindfulness and meditation techniques can really help. Getting out in nature or completing mindless tasks, like folding laundry or doing the dishes, can also give your brain a break.

3. EMOTIONAL REST Sometimes we need to replenish our emotional cups. We have to build in time to give ourselves space to process experiences in life, and feel our feelings.

“Emotional rest may include spending time in nature, self-care rituals, journaling, or seeking support from loved ones, as well as professionally from a therapist,” Tina says. By observing and tending to our emotional needs, we can cultivate resilience, foster healthier relationships, and find a better sense of emotional balance.

4. SENSORY REST Like the name suggests, this type of rest is all about giving our senses a much-needed break.

While everyone has a different capacity to deal with sensorial stimulation – whether it’s sounds, sights, or smells – we all need a break at some point. Sensory rest involves creating calm and quiet environments. Spending

wellbeing

speaking to a friend – can also be helpful. Whether or not you have a creative job or passion, leaning into creativity can have huge benefits. “By nurturing our creative spirit, we can enhance problem-solving skills, foster innovation, and reignite our passion for life,” Tina adds.

6. SOCIAL REST Depending where you fall on the extrovert to introvert scale will impact how much social versus alone time you need.

However, we all need some social rest eventually. “Social rest entails setting boundaries, prioritising quality over quantity in relationships, and carving out time for solitude and introspection,” Tina says.

Enjoying solitary activities allows us to recharge our batteries, and ensures socialising feels fulfilling when we do it again.

7. SPIRITUAL REST

time in nature, listening to relaxing music at home, or taking a silent candle-lit bath are all great ways to incorporate sensory rest into your day. “By dialing down sensory input, we can promote relaxation, reduce stress, and enhance our overall sensory wellbeing,” Tina says.

5. CREATIVE REST Creative rest is essential for replenishing our creative energy and inspiration. “Engaging in creative pursuits allows us to

express ourselves, tap into our imagination and access new perspectives, but it can also become draining if constantly demanded without adequate rest,” Tina says.

Sometimes we need to take a step back from what we are doing, rest, and allow the moments of inspiration to come.

Walks are always a good idea, but taking time to do things that inspire you – like visiting an art gallery, listening to music, or

“Spiritual rest involves connecting with our inner self, values, and sense of purpose,” Tina says.

Regardless of religious beliefs, spiritual rest encompasses practices that foster a sense of meaning, gratitude, and connection to our inner selves.

This may involve meditation, prayer, mindfulness, or engaging in activities like journaling or creating a gratitude list.

“Spiritual rest allows us to find solace in times of adversity, cultivate a sense of inner peace, and tap into a deeper sense of purpose and connection to something greater than ourselves,” Tina says. happiful.com | Issue 89 | 65

Happiful recommends From an artistic adventure in the city, to a conversation that can spark a ripple effect of action for our planet, nourish your mind with this issue’s wellbeing recommendations Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

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Keep talking about our planet Open up a conversation with a friend about what it is that you love so much about spending time outdoors, or what you’d like to do to help contribute to the preservation of our planet.

These small conversations can help others discover a new-found respect for the Earth, and inspire a ripple effect of positive actions.

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PAGE-TURNERS Lost & Found: 9 Life-Changing Lessons About Stuff From Someone Who Lost Everything

by Helen Chandler-Wilde After losing all of her possessions in a fire, author Helen began to reassess her relationship with materialistic items. In this book, she speaks to psychologists about why we keep the things we do, and shows us how we can liberate ourselves from impulsive spending. (Out now, £20.00)

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ACT OF KINDNESS

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LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Life Kit’ Us humans are complicated, and sometimes a bit of friendly advice on how to navigate our way through life can go a long way. Host Marielle Segarra talks to experts to bring us life advice on a wide range of topics – from exploring your gender identity as an adult to the smaller life hacks, like how to improve your sense of direction.

(Available on all podcast platforms)

OUT AND ABOUT

Track down street art In busy cities, overshadowed by concrete landscapes, you can often find little pockets of culture in the form of vibrant street art, which colour the neighbourhoods a little brighter. Pick a city, and go on the hunt for street art, local to you. What story can you read from this rich tapestry?

(Head to streetartcities.com to track street art near you) 66 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

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PLUGGED-IN

Gentle reminders A beautiful, warming account where sunset videos meet uplifting quotes to bring us little moments of digestible self-care viewing. From inspiring quotes you can learn from to ones that resonate with you, and others that make you feel heard – which reminder moves you the most?

(Follow @gentlereminderslove on Instagram)

culture

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LESSON LEARNED

Draw Disney characters It’s time for you to dust off your sketchbook and embark on a magical adventure in creative drawing. Brought to you by Disney Parks, its YouTube series consists of 55 video tutorials from talented Disney animators to show you how to draw your favourite characters.

(Search for ‘Disney Parks | Howto-draw series’ on YouTube)

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SQUARE EYES

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TECH TIP-OFFS

Birda Discover Birda – the ultimate app that brings together passionate birdwatchers and their love for the great outdoors. Log your sightings, take part in various challenges, and connect with like-minded enthusiasts, all while contributing to conservation research. Let your hobby take flight!

(Available on all app platforms)

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GET GOING

Cardio drumming Exercise doesn’t need to be painful in order for you to reap the benefits, it can just be an enjoyable workout that gets your body moving. Take cardio drumming, for instance. This upbeat cardio exercise involves using drumsticks to drum on a fitness ball in rhythm to the music of your choice, all while engaging in different movements. (Head over to youtube.com for tutorials)

Inside Out 2 Inside Out returns with another timeless animated classic for the family, as we follow Riley encountering new emotions through her teenage years. Even adults are giving this film a glowing review for helping them to better understand their feelings, and how each one can co-exist with another. (Out now)

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TREAT YOURSELF

Beachcomber Notebook Pack Maddie is an artist who takes inspiration from the natural world to create bright and colourful hand-painted notebooks that are truly oneof-a-kind. Her popular collection, The BeachComber Pack, features starfish, seashell, and sea urchin designs to provide a coastal-themed space for you to jot down your daily thoughts and dreams during those blissful summer days. (£15, alsothebison.co.uk)

WIN A BEACHCOMBER NOTEBOOK PACK For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com Which of the following is not found at the beach? a) Sandcastles b) Hedgehogs c) Shells *Competition closes 30 September 2024. UK and Northern Ireland only.

T&Cs apply. Good luck! happiful.com | Issue 89 | 67

4 yoga poses to quickly ground yourself In a quiet spot at work, first thing in the morning, or as and when you need to ground yourself quickly, try these yoga poses

MOUNTAIN POSE

Stand with your big toes touching and your heels slightly apart. Stand up tall with your arms by your sides, your hands facing out. Close your eyes and feel the Earth beneath your rooted feet. Breathe deeply.

TREE POSE

Bring one of your feet off the ground, and place it either on your ankle, your knee, or your thigh, depending on what’s comfortable for you. Place your palms together. Focus your gaze on something steady in front of you. Breathe as you balance.

GODDESS POSE

Sink into a wide squat. Your feet should be firmly planted on the ground, and your legs and core strong and powerful.

Your arms should be out to the side in a cactus shape. Stay strong as you breathe into this empowering pose.

WARRIOR I

Stand tall, placing one foot forward and take the other back – the back foot should be angled slightly out. Lift your arms above your head, keeping your shoulders relaxed as you hold this strong pose.

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fresh ideas

How to handle a ‘vulnerability hangover’ after therapy Do you sometimes feel embarrassed, ashamed, and exposed after sharing your deepest insecurities and emotions with your therapist?

Fear not, this can be a sign that your therapy is really working Writing | Victoria Stokes

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icture this: you’re on your way home from another therapy session, and the feeling of relief is palpable.

It felt good to offload your deepest, scariest thoughts and fears.

But just hours later, a gutwrenching dread is creeping in.

Suddenly you don’t feel quite so relieved. You feel vulnerable and exposed, ashamed at having shared so much.

What if my therapist was secretly judging me, you might wonder? What if I was wrong to get things off my chest? How will I ever go back to face them?

This is known as a vulnerability hangover, a term coined by vulnerability researcher Brené Brown. It’s used to describe the embarrassment, shame, and exposure we experience when

we feel we’ve been too open about our thoughts and feelings.

It can happen when you worry that you’ve divulged too much to a friend, family member, or colleague, but you might experience it most acutely in therapy.

Though it’s a safe space, therapy is often where we get candid.

It’s a place where we divulge our innermost thoughts, insecurities, and fears. And when you aren’t used to sharing so openly, it’s normal to encounter regret.

There’s power in vulnerability

If you’ve ever found yourself cringing post-therapy session, don’t panic. “This feeling is actually very common, and happens because therapy is the space to overshare – something

we actively try not to do in our everyday lives,” assures solutionsfocused psychotherapist Gin Lalli.

“Therapy involves delving into some deep realisations, personal experiences, and emotions, so yes, it can leave us feeling exposed and emotionally raw,” she explains.

While this might be uncomfortable, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, Gin says it can signify progress.

“Experiencing vulnerability during or after a session usually means you’ve touched on something significant and meaningful,” she says. “It signals growth, progression, and the start of better self-awareness.”

Chances are you feel vulnerable because you’ve just exposed something you normally keep hidden, and saying it out loud can be the first step of change. >>> happiful.com | Issue 89 | 69

Therapy involves delving into some deep realisations, personal experiences, and emotions, so yes, it can leave us feeling exposed and emotionally raw “A vulnerability hangover can be a sign that you’re confronting difficult emotions instead of avoiding them,” says Gin. “This will encourage introspection, which is where you gain insights on how to move forward.”

A judgement-free zone

Even with this knowledge, it can be difficult to get over the feeling that you’re being judged. And in some cases, this feeling can be so intense that it prevents you from continuing your therapy journey.

“Let me assure you that your therapist will never judge you, that’s not what we do,” Gin says.

“We’ve heard it all before, we are trained, and we have natural compassion and understanding – it’s often why therapists are drawn to the profession in the first place.”

It might also help you to know that therapists are bound by strict codes of confidentiality and ethical standards, so rest assured, anything you have shared, won’t go any further.

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fresh ideas

Finding relief

Still, if you find yourself in the depths of a vulnerability hangover, you might be wondering how to move through the discomfort.

Gin has some in-the-moment strategies that might help.

Firstly, call on self-compassion.

“It’s OK to feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, and you are brave for confronting difficult emotions,” Gin says.

Next, engage in grounding techniques. If you’re not sure how, your therapist can provide some ideas. Gin advises focusing on your breathing for several minutes, or using sensory tools like holding a comfortable object to centre yourself. It can be something as simple as a warm cup of tea.

If you’re worried that you’ve overshared, you might assume talking about your feelings isn’t going to help. Not so, says Gin. She recommends talking to a loved one about your vulnerability hangover, or writing about it in a journal.

Finally, find self-care activities that nurture you. It could be a warm bath, listening to soothing music, or going for a long walk. Gin says the latter can be particularly useful if you’re feeling restless or agitated posttherapy.

Leaning into discomfort

These strategies can provide some relief from the uncomfortable feeling of exposure, but you might find you’re still worried about

attending your next therapy session.

The really good news about opening up? It gets easier the more you do it – so take that perspective into your next session.

“Gradually exposing yourself to vulnerability, and acknowledging difficult emotions, means you can get more comfortable with discomfort over time – you begin to realise it’s not as scary as you first thought,” Gin points out.

“Remember,” she adds, “increased openness in therapy can lead to better insights, stronger therapeutic relationships, and more profound personal growth. This is personal development after all, and the tools you learn along the way can serve you well in the future.”

If you’re feeling nervous about your next therapy session, Gin advises leaning into your emotions.

“Notice and acknowledge your emotions, without judgement.

Observe them and be curious about them and the underlying causes,” she says.

It’s a good idea to set intentions, too. “Before each session, reflect on what you hope to gain from being vulnerable. I often ask clients what their hopes are for this particular session,” says Gin. Your goal could be something as simple as challenging perfectionism, and acknowledging that

vulnerability is a normal human emotion.

Whatever your intentions, she says it’s important to trust in the therapeutic process and your therapist’s guidance. Remember, you’re in safe hands!

Finally? Recognise and celebrate your courage in being vulnerable.

It takes guts to keep showing up for yourself.

“Each step forward, no matter how small, is significant in your personal journey – you can do this,” Gin says. “A therapist is there to hold your hand at the beginning, and let go when we know you can fly.”

Ultimately, Gin says, you should use the discomfort as a sign of progress; an indication that you are getting the most out of your therapy.

“Sometimes you must get uncomfortable to work through whatever it is you’re going through.

But your therapist is there to hold the space for you,” she says.

“You’re doing the work of healing and discovering things about yourself, and yes, that can be triggering, but trust that it is part of the journey.”

In other words? That prickly feeling can be a sign that your therapy is working. So, when you think about it, vulnerability hangovers are something to lean into, rather than run from.

Victoria Stokes is a Northern Ireland-based freelance copywriter and content writer. Find her on Instagram @writtenbyvictoriastokes happiful.com | Issue 89 | 71

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Happiful reads...

From a book addressing cultural challenges in mental health to a guide to optimising your living space through intuition, here are four reads that deserve a spot on your shelf Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

M

ost interior design books will show you how to create an aesthetically-pleasing living space, but this book goes far beyond the visuals. The Healing Home and Garden is a refreshing guide on how to tune-in to and follow your intuition when it

The Healing Home and Garden: Reimagining Spaces for Optimal Wellbeing

by Paula Robinson

comes to utilising outdoor and indoor spaces.

Nicknamed the ‘space whisperer’, writer Paula Robinson wants to lead you to design your home and garden to create an environment that mirrors who you are, and heals your mind and soul.

Close your eyes and take a moment for reflection. What does your personal sanctuary look like to you?

Camp Bestival at Home: Have a Family Festival Every Day by Josie and Rob da Bank Festival season is nearly over, but you can still keep the joy alive at home.

Co-founders of Camp Bestival, Josie and Rob da Bank, have put together this colourful book to show you how to bring the festival spirit into your everyday life, with activities to involve the whole family and reconnect with your playful side as an adult.

What am I Missing?

By Emma Reed Turrell Do you know how you feel, but you can’t put your finger on why you feel this way?

Psychotherapist Emma Reed Turrell wants to help us make sense of the situation and answer the question ‘What am I missing?’

In doing so, she reveals key blind spots that might be clouding our judgement, as well as how they show up in our lives, and how to overcome them.

Must reads But What Will People Say? by Sahaj Kaur Kohli There are gaps within mental health care that need to be bridged, and that’s exactly what Sahaj Kaur Kohil intends to do.

The therapist and founder of the popular Instagram account, Brown Girl Therapy, addresses cultural challenges and speaks of her own experience in order to empower readers to accept and nurture their own mental health.

happiful.com | Issue 89 | 73

“Change, like healing, takes time VERONICA ROTH, ALLEGIANT

Photograph | John Diez

74 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

Liquid gold:

Your hive of knowledge about the health benefits of honey Whether you’re stirring it into porridge, adding it to baking, or combining it with lemon to soothe a sore throat, honey is a popular cupboard staple. But are its benefits more than a dollop of sweetness?

Writing | Jenna Farmer

W

ith the global honey market valued at $8.94 billion in 2023, and only expected to grow, it’s clear that there’s a lot of buzz about this nectar. And while there’s no doubt it makes things taste that much sweeter, it turns out it could also come with some interesting health benefits, too.

“Honey has multiple health benefits, and, in essence, can be classed as a superfood since it has been used as a medicine both internally and topically since ancient times,” says nutritional therapist Sonal Jenkins.

From fighting off a cold to boosting your mood, there are certainly a lot of suggested wellbeing rewards – but which are proven and which are simply old wives’ tales? Let’s break it down to find out if honey lives up to the hype. >>>

happiful.com | Issue 89 | 75

Sonal Jenkins is a nutritional therapist, health tutor, and director of Synergy Nutrition. Get in touch via the Nutritionist Resource.

Benefits of honey: what’s the truth?

Fighting off colds and coughs.

The next time you feel like a cold won’t shift, should you reach for the honey jar? While it’s not going to instantly cure the common cold overnight, it could certainly help – and there’s evidence to prove it.

“One of its health benefits is its antimicrobial properties, due to the hydrogen peroxide it contains, where it can help speed up the recovery from colds, flu, sore throats, and coughs,” explains Sonal.

One study of using honey in upper respiratory tract infections, published in BMJ Evidence-Based Medicine in 2021, found that it improved symptoms and reduced the severity of coughs, suggesting it could even be a potential alternative to antibiotics. However, that’s not to say that slathering your average supermarket honey on your morning toast will always be enough to do the job.

“Not all honey is the same,” Sonal says. “The antibacterial quality of honey depends on the type of honey, as well as when and how it’s harvested. Some kinds may be 100 times more potent than others, such as Manuka honey, from Australia and New Zealand.”

76 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

Healing properties of honey

“Manuka honey is also used for wound and burn healing,” explains Sonal, highlighting its reported skin benefits. According to Oxford Health NHS, medical honey can actually be used on wound dressings to stop bacteria growing in the bed of the wound, as well as reducing the inflammation of the wound, and removing dead tissue.

Medical honey might therefore be advised by the NHS for those who have experienced things such as burns, wounds, or ulcers.

Research, including a study in Jundishapur Journal of Natural Pharmaceutical Products, has found that doing this improves wound healing, helps with pain relief, and even reduces inflammation.

Beyond these impressive healing properties, honey is also a popular ingredient in beauty products, with other benefits including that it’s thought to help with hair shine and breakages, as it contains roughly 0.5% protein.

Mood-boosting effects

Could honey actually make us happier? As well as giving us a sweet treat, it’s thought that honey could help boost our mood, as well as help our physical health. Maybe Winnie the Pooh was on to something after all!

One study of using honey in upper respiratory tract infections found that it improved symptoms and reduced the severity of coughs “Honey is a type of sugar, and by providing a quick energy boost, it may release serotonin – a neurotransmitter that improves mood and happiness,” says Sonal. “There may also be antiinflammatory effects that support health, both in the digestive tract and brain.”

Memory power

It’s thought that honey could also potentially support our memory and cognition, alongside our happiness. One study, published in Frontiers in Aging Neuroscience in 2022, saw that post-menopausal women who took honey for 16 weeks found an improvement in their short-term memory.

It’s worth noting that this doesn’t strictly apply to all types of honey though; Tualang honey (originating in Maylasia, but readily available to buy online) has been particularly well-studied

food & health

in this area. It’s believed that this type of honey, in particular, can reduce our brain’s oxidative stress, improve the morphology of memory-related brain areas, and more, according to a study in Medical Sciences, all of which point to its role in helping with memory and learning.

Honey hacks: how to use honey in day-to-day life

Honey has so many potential uses to make the most of these benefits. First, let’s start with the obvious ones. Honey makes a great sugar substitute, so making the swap in everyday baking and dishes is a good idea.

“Honey is versatile; it can be used as a natural sweetener to

add to beverages, and works well as a sugar substitute in most recipes. You may be already using honey in your porridge, and on top of pancakes, which is better than golden and maple syrup,” says Sonal. Not that we needed another excuse to enjoy pancakes!

It’s not just about having dessert for breakfast, you can use honey in other meals, too. However, it’s worth noting that it’s thought that heating honey could potentially reduce some of its nutritional benefits, so an alternative could be opting to blend it into a delicious salad dressing instead.

Don’t like the taste of honey, but still want the benefits? You might want to consider a daily Manuka

honey supplement, such as Propolis and Manuka Honey Oral Spray (£9.99, Melora). Looking for skin benefits? For more serious wounds, medical honey is more appropriate, but for general skin health, you can even opt for trying honey beauty products, such as Hair Syrup’s Honey Dew (£24, Hair Syrup).

Honey not only tastes great, but is a natural remedy that has been praised and valued for thousands of years due to its health benefits – many of which are backed by real science. So, whether you want to soothe a cough, or just start your morning with a wellbeing boost, why not give honey a try to see what the buzz is about?

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease, and blogs at abalancedbelly.co.uk happiful.com | Issue 89 | 77

D 5 ways to look after your mental health while going through a divorce Through a challenging and emotional time, use these five pillars to guide your self-care Writing | Elizabeth Bennett

78 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

ivorce affects you emotionally, financially, and legally – and can be an extremely stressful process.

It can impact your mental health in a myriad of ways, whether that’s anxiety around the future, grappling with your changing identity, or the loneliness or stress of dealing with conflict with your ex-partner. Becoming aware of these issues can help prepare you, and also reassure you that struggling with these situations is very normal. Prioritising your mental health during this time is so important, and by taking

relationships

steps to look after yourself you can navigate the process more smoothly, and come out the other end hopefully feeling positive for your future.

ALLOW YOURSELF TO GRIEVE We often associate grief with death, but we can experience grief when we suffer loss of all different kinds within our lives, especially at the end of a relationship.

“Regardless of the circumstances, divorce marks a transition. This can lead to a feeling of grief or loss, even if we are content with the outcome,” counsellor Georgina Sturmer says.

As tempting as it may be to try to just skip over the grieving process entirely, it is better to honour these feelings and take time and space to process them.

“Allow yourself to notice and acknowledge this grief, and consider how you might need to voice it or mark it in some way,” Georgina suggests.

FIND YOUR PEOPLE Going through divorce can feel like a lonely experience, even when, on the surface, it may appear like you are surrounded by supportive friends and family.

“Make sure you know who you can rely on. Focus on those who really want you to be happy, without imposing their own agenda,” Georgina says.

Navigating this tricky time also means leaning more on those close to you than before. “Reach out for practical

support, emotional support, companionship – all the elements of our relationships and friendships that can help us to cope,” Georgina adds.

While friends and family can be a huge comfort, sometimes it’s helpful to connect or spend time with people going through the same thing, who really understand how you feel. In this case, Georgina recommends seeking out support groups or people you know who are going through – or have been through – something similar.

Allow yourself to notice this grief and consider how you might need to voice it EMBRACE CHANGE As we go through life, most of us subconsciously build a picture of an imagined future, and our relationships often play a big part in what this consists of. When we go through divorce, there is a level of uncertainty about what this future might look like, and often it is different to what we once imagined.

“We might feel frightened or worried about the future, or we might feel excited or empowered,” Georgina says. Both are valid feelings, but as we work towards embracing that life is going to change, we can start to feel the latter more than the former.

FOCUS ON YOURSELF When you go through divorce, it is natural to question your identity. “Often you can end up feeling lost or disconnected from the shared identity that you have built during your marriage,” Georgina says.

After the end of any relationship, it’s important to take some time to get to know yourself and who you are as an individual. “Nurture your ‘self’ in this new phase of your life by reminding yourself of what makes you feel grounded and happy,” Georgina says. This is also an excellent time to discover new things you enjoy, or to reach out to new people and build fresh connections.

LET GO OF OTHER PEOPLE’S OPINIONS It is very normal to worry about what other people might think about the end of your relationship.

However, it is important to try to not to let these thoughts overwhelm you.

“Other people’s thoughts or opinions are simply out of your control; what matters is how you feel,” Georgina points out. “This is why it’s important to build and maintain healthy boundaries, so that other people’s judgements don’t enter into our own judgements about ourselves.”

Prioritise spending time with people who truly support you and your decision. The end of one relationship could be the start of a stronger connection with yourself, and others. happiful.com | Issue 89 | 79

The magic of ancient words

Could rediscovering phrases and expressions that have been lost over time help us reconnect with the world around us, and renew our sense of belonging?

Writing | Katie Scott

T

here are words that open windows to lost worlds.

Words that we don’t use anymore but, in learning them again, reawaken connections between us, our ancestors, and our homes.

These are words that delight with their organic sounds; as poet Caroline Mellor writes, they ‘dance and trip and slip/ and drip like honey off the tongue’.

As we relearn them, these words teach us of times when human existence was paced by the rhythms of the natural world.

They describe huge seasonal changes, but also minutiae.

Caroline writes that a ‘smeuse’ is a gap at the base of a hedge made by the regular comings and goings of a small animal. This word is onomatopoeic. It sounds like the squishing and wiggling of an animal as it pushes itself past

80 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

twigs and leaves.

Caroline’s poem, ‘We Need to Teach the Children the Old Words’, is a gentle lesson and the words stay and play in my mind.

“Gubber and slub and stodge and pug” are old Sussex words for mud, she explains. I think of them as I negotiate what will be a pathway in a few months, but, for now, is a porridge of wet mud, twigs, and leaves. “These ancient words make us feel like children again, with the wonder and excitement we felt, because these words have feathers and wings.

They move, they roll, and they’re beautiful,” says Caroline.

Caroline reads the poem when she visits schools, and has noticed that children are especially receptive to the words.

She says: “They like them in that they make them smile, they make them giggle, they remember

them and they repeat them.

There’s something innate in us that responds to these sounds.”

I told my children to stop “brabbling” the other day. It stopped the bickering because it wasn’t a word they had heard before, and it made them laugh.

In a paper published in the journal Knowledge and Power, Dr Peter Gärdenfors writes that children learn “an average of nine to 10 words per day during childhood”. This means that by the time they have finished school, they have mastered about 60,000 words of their mother tongue.

There is a huge amount of evidence on how learning a new word every day – whether in your native language or a foreign language – increases concentration, boosts memory, and improves our

communication skills beyond childhood and into adulthood.

A study in 2007 by Wang et al. even found that different languages alter the brain in unique ways. It showed that speakers of Chinese have different brain structures from those who don’t know Chinese.

Learning ancient words, though, has a very specific magic beyond creating neural pathways. “They allow us to notice things that weren’t there last week, and won’t be there next week,” says author Lia Leendertz. She is about to publish her fifth seasonal guide, The Almanac, which celebrates the unique nature of each month.

She is also the presenter of the podcast ‘As The Seasons Turn’.

She recounts that when she first embarked on what has now turned into a series of beautifully evocative annual tomes, she was fascinated by how language allowed her to connect back through time. >>>

Old words come from a time when nature wasn’t a commodity to be extracted and exploited, or just a pretty place to visit for a day trip, but when it was more deeply interwoven with the daily fabric of life

“When I started researching for The Almanac, I looked up the names of the months in different languages like Scots Gaelic, Irish Gaelic, Welsh, and Manx. The Gaelic name for January is Am Faoilleach, which comes from the word meaning wolf. It was the time when the wolves would have been howling to find a mate.

Wolves have been extinct in Scotland since 1743, which shows how old the name is. The word conjures the atmosphere of dark January nights full of howling.”

She also looked at the names for the different moons throughout the year, and how they connect to the agricultural jobs that needed attending to at those times. The majority of people nowadays might not be waiting for a clear night to push on with hunting, haymaking, or ploughing, but the light from a full moon does have an impact on what we are able to do. We are seasonal beings, even if we don’t recognise it.

Leendertz describes how we feel differently in January from December, or August from 82 | Issue 89 | happiful.com

Books to delight the budding etymologist

• A Year in Story & Song by Lia Leendertz • The Honey in the Bones: Poems to Rewild the Soul by Caroline Mellor • Landmarks by Robert MacFarlane • The Old Ways by Robert MacFarlane

September. But the impacts can even be day-to-day, or night-tonight. An evening stroll becomes more appealing when you can see your feet, and even more so when you can take your gaze to the stars. To return to Caroline’s poem, moonlight means it’s less of a “grubble in the dark” and more a chance “to watch the sky for flittermice and yaffles”.

In his book, The Old Ways, Robert MacFarlane describes how ancient pathways “connected real places but they also led outwards to metaphysics, backwards to history, and

inwards to the self”. These words also have this power, too, says Caroline, and help us to rediscover connection.

“There’s a word that I came across recently: ‘unforgetting’. I really liked it because it touches on the fact that we belong to the world and to each other. We know this; we can feel in our bodies and our hearts that things are offkilter,” she says.

“A lot of these old words come from a time when nature wasn’t a commodity to be extracted and exploited, or just a pretty place to visit for a day trip, but when it was more deeply interwoven with the daily fabric of life, a matter of survival, and also a deeply felt and loved and respected part of existence,” she continues. “All of this is still relevant. We still depend utterly on nature, but we have become dangerously detached from it.”

Learning these words, and then teaching them to our families is, therefore, a way of using language to nurture this connection in our disjointed lives. These words are also a gentle call to action – for us to relearn, to value, and respect the natural world.

As Caroline says: “These disappearing words are not so much just like a postcard of an idyllic past, they’re a lexicon.

They’re connected to a deeper, more intimate, interdependent understanding of the world.

Language is a keen way of knowing the landscape, wildlife, nature, and the weather. It’s a means of coming to love the world and to restore our sense of belonging, which I think is in such peril at the moment.”

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