Happiful Issue 77

DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

SKIP THE SMALL TALK 10 questions for deeper conversations

YOU

DO

ISSUE 77 £5.99

It's time Could scheduling in ‘worry time’ be a hack you’re missing?

SLEEP EASY Grow your own air-purifying sleep aids

YOU

RECLAIM YOUR CONFIDENCE

Sanctuary of silence Why a library card could be your most valuable wellbeing investment yet

Money matters How to take care of your financial health when you have ADHD

Coming soon...

F I N D I N G W H AT W O R K S .

BY HAPPIFUL We are all individuals, so it’s not surprising that, when it comes to mental health and wellness, the combination of elements that best support us are just as unique.

In our new podcast, ‘Happiful: Finding What Works’, host Kat Nicholls will be talking to professionals in the wellness space, and those with lived experience, to understand what it means for something to ‘work’, and the steps we can take to discover our own ideal support plan.

We’ll be diving into topics such as: • Cultivating resilience • Friendship boundaries • Navigating diet culture

Subscribe to our newsletter at happiful.com for updates, and join us as, together, we find what works.

Welcome to this safe space I can vividly remember the relaxation exercise a teacher introduced to the class, all the way back in primary school.

It went like this: close your eyes and take some deep breaths. Imagine you’re walking through a forest – it’s peaceful, and you can hear the sound of birds singing and leaves rustling. You come across a big, beautiful tree, and notice it has a door on the side. You open the door and inside is something very, very special. You spend some time with your special thing, and then you close the door and leave, knowing you can come back at any time.

this community during times of poverty, housing insecurity, and mental health problems. We join those in the gaming community who are putting wellbeing on the table (p56), and on p37 we’ll step inside the cemeteries across the country that are letting their spaces return to nature, prompting us to think about life and our place in the world.

Decades later, when I worked with a hypnotherapist to try to manage some phobias, they offered a similar exercise, except this time I walked down a spiral staircase, and at the bottom was a cosy room, with the most comfortable armchair. It was completely silent, except for the gentle sound of a warm wood fire.

Oh, and if you want inspiration for creating your own mental safe space, flip to p36, where we’re sharing some pastoral fantasies that are guaranteed to transport you to another life. And then turn to our journaling section on p83, where it’s over to you. This month, let these pages be your safe space to learn, feel inspired, and explore whole new elements of your own wellbeing.

The idea of these exercises is that they create a mental safe place, somewhere you can always retreat to should you need to escape for a while. For times when the rest of the world feels overwhelming, stress is knocking at your door, and the challenges we face pile up a little too high – a bit of mental respite can go a long way.

Fundamentally, when we have a strong safety net below us, it doesn’t matter how wobbly the tightrope we’re walking on is – if we stumble, we can bounce back up again. So build your net with selfknowledge, connection, and compassion.

That way, you’ll never have far to fall.

But safety, of course, is something that can be found on the outside, too – in people and in spaces. On p44 we’re wandering the aisles of libraries, hearing stories from people who leaned on

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

KATHRYN WHEELER GUEST EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

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A safe place 19 It’s worry time Could scheduling ‘worry time’ help us cope with anxiety?

36 Escape to a pastoral fantasy 37 The cemeteries full of life What can rewilding cemeteries teach us about life and death?

44 This is a library How these radical spaces stepping up to be there for their communities

56 Meet the tabletop gamers This fantastical hobby is having real-world impact on its players

PRINT EXCLUSIVE 83 We saved you a spot Dive into our reflective journaling pages

Wellbeing 28 Before you rage apply...

Consider these questions

32 The perfectionist trap Michelle Elman on the pressures we put on ourselves to ‘succeed’

34 ADHD and finances Tips for keeping on top of money when you have ADHD

48 Too good to be true?

How to spot ‘wellbeing washing’

48 Culture

53 Does grief affect the body?

7 Good news

60 When the heat gets to you

11 The wellbeing wrap

Dealing with summertime eco-anxiety can be hard, here’s how to approach it

50 Shake things up a bit

19

74

Relationships

Food & health

12 Are you the default parent?

29 Grow your own sleep aids

We explore how this role plays out in family dynamics

42 What to eat after bad sleep Boost your morning, with these recipes

25 5 myths about LTRs What do long-term relationships really look like?

63 Revisiting birth trauma

40 Teens and tech

66 Should you eat the rainbow?

Our expert offers tips for managing technology as a family

Is this colourful tip true?

59 Prompts for deeper chats 76 Divorce and separation How can we best explain it to kids?

29 Positive pointers

14 How to lead a happy life 22 What’s that sound?

How to use birdsong for a brilliant wellbeing boosts

74 Flip imposter syndrome Learn to make it work for you

80 What can Finns teach us?

We travelled to Finland to discover their secrets to happiness

Try this at home 17 Quick brain exercises

14

What to do when faced with triggers

*

Expert review Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

People can sometimes get caught up in seeking external validation from others, their environment, or the world. The rise of social media has contributed to this significantly. Check out p14 to explore how you can challenge this by nurturing contentment with the self, and finding inner peace.

This process can take time, and will require focused attention. Gradually, you will benefit from greater resilience and connection with what truly makes you happy.

69 Picture puzzles

RAV SEKHON

71 Yoga for bloating

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

BA MA MBACP (Accred)

79 You have to read these

Happiful Community Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue KIERAN TOWNSEND

AMY DRAKE

BA (Hons) Dip. NLP AC MHFA

MBACP

Kieran is a youth development coach and mentor.

Amy is a person-centred counsellor working with children and adults.

VANESSA MAY

HANNAH BECKETT-PRATT

BSc ILM FHT CNHC NTC BANT

BSC FDA MBACP

Vanessa is a nutritional therapist and wellbeing coach.

Hannah is a relational transactional analysis counsellor.

Our team EDITORIAL Kathryn Wheeler | Guest Editor Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls, Samantha Redgrave-Hogg | Senior Writers Becky Banham | Content & Marketing Officer Michelle Elman, Kieran Townsend | Columnists Ellen Lees | Head of Content Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product & Marketing Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator

DONNA MORGAN

FERDIA EARLE

Snr MNCS Accred

MRes PGDip BANT CNHC

Donna is a humanistic mental health therapist with over 26 years of experience.

Ferdia is a nutritional therapist and functional medicine practitioner.

TOM BULPIT

JENNIFER DEACON

DIPHE MBACP

MBACP

Tom is a person-centred counsellor and psychotherapist.

Jennifer is a counsellor with an interest in eco-anxiety.

JENNIFER WARWICK

SONAL JENKINS

PGDIP BACP

BSc (Hons)

Jennifer is a counsellor specialising in relationships and family issues.

Sonal is a nutritional therapist, health tutor, and director of Synergy Nutrition.

SEDEF SALIM MSC MBACP PNCPS (ACC.)

Sedef is an integrative psychotherapist offering counselling and hypnotherapy.

COMMUNICATIONS Alice Greedus | PR Manager Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator

CONTRIBUTORS George Bothamley, Caroline Butterwick, Kerry Law, Suzanne Baum, Helen Barnett, Eleanor Noyce, Aimée Grant Cumberbatch, Stacey Carter, Ferdia Earle,Vanessa May, Lydia Smith, Jo Dunbar, Jenna Farmer

SPECIAL THANKS Hannah Beckett-Pratt, Amy Drake, Donna Morgan Tom Bulpit, Jennifer Deacon, Donna Noble, Jennifer Warwick, Sonal Jenkins, Sedef Salim

MANAGEMENT Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma Hursey | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

CONTACT Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building B, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY

Join the Happiful Expert Panel Are you a wellbeing expert with valuable insight to share? Happiful professional membership includes opportunities to be featured in our award-winning magazine.

Discover how to join by emailing us at professionals@happiful.com

Helping you find the help you need.

Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

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Photography | Polly Hanrahan

The Uplift INCLUSIVITY

Store introduces quiet times for neurodiverse shoppers Shopping can feel very overwhelming for some neurodivergent people. But sustainable clothing brand Lucy & Yak may have a solution.

Looking to celebrate neurodivergent customer experiences, Lucy & Yak’s ‘Everybody & Everymind’ campaign is a collection of comfy, inclusive, and colourful clothes that feel good and resonate with the community – as well as a promise to serve its neurodivergent customers in a way that suits them.

On the 17th of every month, each store is updated to create an inviting shopping atmosphere for neurodivergent customers.

Quiet music, lower levels of lighting, and a limited number of shoppers, provide a more relaxing space. There are also optional stickers which flag to staff members which customers would prefer to shop in peace, rather than be approached.

The illustrations for the Everybody & Everymind clothing collection also take notes from the neurodiverse experience, including the ‘Temporarily out of service’ pattern, which draws inspiration from the feeling of autistic burnout, and ‘Spaced out’ which refers to the common ADHD experience of ‘zoning out’, where the brain

involuntarily gets pulled away from the task at hand. Each has been designed to help customers feel seen and celebrated, shifting focus towards the many positive aspects of being neurodivergent.

In the words of Lucy & Yak: “This difference is something to celebrate!”

Writing | Samantha Redgrave-Hogg happiful.com | Issue 77 | 7

8 | Issue 77 | happiful.com

BOOKS

Turning pages on new forms of escapism We all have those days when everything seems to go wrong, and we feel like we just can’t catch a break. Sometimes all we want to do is escape from reality and forget about our worries, just for a little bit. While there are many ways to do this, a new study suggests that one of the best forms of escapism is through reading.

The Publishers Association surveyed more than 2,200 adults in the UK, and found that a third of people (33%) believe that books offer the best form of escapism when you’re having a bad day, coming second to watching TV (54%). Meanwhile, streaming services, looking at social media, listening to the radio, and going to the pub or cinema, proved to be less popular choices.

It’s hardly surprising that reading is favoured by so many. When we immerse ourselves in a book, we are transported to different worlds and are introduced to new characters and ideas. We can lose ourselves in a story and forget about our own problems for a while, which can be incredibly soothing and restorative when we’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed.

Considering the survey, Dan Conway, CEO of the Publishers Association, said: “Books are a great way for us all to escape from our everyday routines, and if we are able to share that with our friends, families, and more widely, we could be making a huge difference to people’s lives without even realising it.”

So, if you find yourself facing one of those days today, pick up a book (or a copy of Happiful!) and lose yourself in a world that awaits within the pages.

Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird happiful.com | Issue 77 | 9

HEALTH

NHS retires outdated gynaecological term Language matters, particularly when it comes to talking about sensitive health topics. And yet, in some areas of health, outdated ways of speaking about procedures have prevailed. But, following campaigning from the gynaecological cancer charity the Lady Garden Foundation, one such term has finally been put to rest, for good.

Until recently, patients attending their cervical screening may have been offered a ‘virgin’ speculum – a common name for an extra small speculum. As the Lady Garden Foundation

saw it, this unnecessary (and nonsensical) sexualisation of a piece of medical equipment was part of a culture that discouraged women from attending cervical screenings – with recent NHS figures showing that attendance is actually at a 10-year low.

But now, after successful campaigning, the NHS Supply Chain framework plans to amend product descriptions, and will go on to work with any remaining suppliers to eradicate the use of the word ‘virgin’ in all literature, communication, and websites by 2025.

Speaking of the victory, broadcaster and female health advocate Davina McCall said: “I am overjoyed to hear that the brilliant Lady Garden Foundation has been successful in its call to rename the ‘virgin’ speculum.

I am continuously working to ensure that women are able to receive gynaecological treatment with confidence, and the lifesaving act of going to a cervical screening should never be sexualised.”

For more information, head to nhs.uk/conditions/cervical-screening Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

EDUCATION

The British Sign Language GCSE is coming…

The much anticipated British Sign Language (BSL) GCSE is verging on reality, with the government initiating a consultation to determine the content. Involving people from the deaf and hearing communities, as well as schools and employers, consultees will be asked what should be taught as part of the criteria, making sure it’s accepted in performance tables.

Introducing the GCSE is a quantum leap in supporting equality and inclusivity within education. Students will learn how to communicate around 1,000 signs, using them to express meaning with other 10 | Issue 77 | happiful.com

signers in work and social settings. Being able to produce these signs accurately and take part in conversations will benefit students for their entire lives – a crucial life skill valued by future employers, but also breaks down walls for deaf people using BSL. The Department for Education aims for the GCSE to be taught from September 2025; any pupil can take the course, and no prior experience will be required. Education Secretary Gillian Keegan believes the new qualification will be a way to “advance equality of opportunity and celebrate the history and rich culture of British Sign Language”.

The move is partly driven by 17-year-old Daniel Jillings’s five-year crusade. Motivated by injustice, he has persistently campaigned for deaf people to achieve a GCSE in their native language, which provides an excellent reminder to pursue our passions in a way that serves the greater good.

Writing | Samantha Redgrave-Hogg

The

wellbeing wrap

JUST KEEP SWIMMING

Chester Zoo celebrated the birth of one of the world’s most endangered primates, a Sulawesi crested macaque

21-year-old Max Park has set a new world record by completing a Rubik’s Cube in just 3.13 seconds!

Primary school children in England are the most literate in Europe, and rank 4th best in the world, according to an international study

Joe Wicks has teamed up with the NHS to create a free workout video specifically for people with Parkinson’s disease

Inspired by the story of 14-yearold Pride of Scotland nominee Isla Grist, former professional footballer, Graeme Souness, 70, recently swam the English Channel as part of a team, and raised an astonishing £1.2 million for charity Debra UK. The nonprofit seeks to support people like Isla who have recessive dystrophic epidermolysis bullosa, a rare skin condition which causes painful blistering (also known as ‘butterfly skin’). Seeing the pain and daily challenges Isla faces, Mr Souness, who is also the vice-president of the charity, took on the challenge of swimming 21 miles (which took just over 12 hours) to help raise vital funds to support Isla and others like her.

Sweet dreams Naptime might be more common for babies, but new research suggests we should all be catching a few more daytime Zzs. A study in the journal Sleep Health revealed that having brief, regular, naps could actually support your brain health by helping to prevent it from shrinking (associated with neurogenerative diseases), equivalent to saving up to seven years of brain ageing.

Seems like the perfect excuse for a little extra shut-eye. Just something to sleep on...

To celebrate the Special Olympics World Games in June, Toyota and the LadBible Group launched a campaign to encourage everyone to support and recognise these great athletes, and inspire some future stars, too. It kicked off with an incredible mural of Special Olympics GB tennis player Lily Mills in London, created by artist Will Redgrove, acknowledging and sharing her journey, from being born with meningitis and developing learning difficulties, to taking home two gold medals in the 2019 Special Olympics!

Udderly brilliant

GOING WILD DOWN UNDER For the first time in 50 years, four female platypuses have been reintroduced to Australia’s oldest national park, just south of Sydney, following conservation efforts.

The ‘bank of mum and dad’ might be more familiar, but apparently parents are also regularly running a taxi service, too.

A survey commissioned by webuyanycar found that, on average, parents spend 52 hours a month chauffeuring their kids around, adding up to 3,084 miles a year. In fact, one in three believe they use the car to drive their kids around more than for themselves!

Questioning if you unplugged the iron? Or whether you paid that bill? If you’re prone to anxiety, you might have noticed a pattern of forgetfulness, too. Research from Imperial College London explored the impact of various personality traits on memories, and found that those who are most anxious often tend to also be the most forgetful. It could be a cycle that’s hard to break free from, but the study did find that ‘brain stimulating cultural and physical activities’ could aid memory in the long-run, so don’t worry, it’s not the be all and end all.

Is there anything more lovely than a story of a community coming together? No, we’re not milking it. Residents of St Michael’s in St Albans rallied together to raise more than £15,000 as a retirement gift to their favourite milkman, after 47 years doing his rounds. ‘Mick the Milk’, AKA Mick Tutton, has been serving the community since 1976, not only by delivering milk, but plenty of smiles, and keeping an eye out for everyone, too!

When his milk truck broke down ‘beyond repair’, the 65-year-old decided to call it a day. With a year until his state pension comes through, locals organised a fundraising night to show their appreciation.

‘WHAT A SAD LITTLE LIFE JANE’

It seems Channel 4’s Come Dine With Me certainly got something right, as social interaction expert Professor Robin Dunbar revealed the perfect number of dinner guests should always fall into multiples of four.

Apparently, four is the maximum number to maintain a successful conversation, ensuring that everyone has the chance to be included.

What is default parent syndrome?

It’s a pattern that may feel familiar in your own family, and the one you were raised in. So, is it time to break the cycle?

Writing | Hannah Beckett-Pratt

F

rom being the one who knows the whole family’s schedules, to being the first point of call when anything goes wrong, default parenting refers to when one parent takes on a greater share of childcare and related domestic responsibilities.

The ‘syndrome’ part refers to the systemic nature of default parenting – meaning, it not only affects the default parent, but everyone in the family plays a role that ensures all members continue to operate within this dynamic.

In the majority of cultures, the default parent is often the mother.

The female role in reproduction – including pregnancy, birth, and feeding – has meant that women are heavily involved in early childcare. Historically, this has freed up men to continue to work and earn money, creating the patriarchal structure that still informs our society today. And although this dynamic can be found in same-sex couples – and may be the result of anything from differences in earnings, status,

12 | Issue 77 | happiful.com

values or personality traits, and which partner carried the child – overall, various research, including a 2021 study published in the Journal of GLBT Family Studies, has shown that same-sex couples divide domestic labour and childcare more equally than different-sex couples, prompting questions about default parent syndrome’s relationship to heteronormative gender stereotyping.

We build models of relationships in our minds from birth, and these are underpinned by neural pathways. Parenting is no different, so unless there has been a neurological change, we are likely to parent in a similar way to how we were parented ourselves. As our parents lived in a society where women had fewer opportunities than they do today, the norm continues. Although many fathers are more involved in childcare or domestic roles than ever before, this developmental and social history explains why it is usually women, or the partner who earns the least income, who becomes the default parent.

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

How does it impact us?

Being the default parent can create a sense of pressure, injustice, and resentment that often goes unaddressed until the default parent is at breaking point.

This is likely because the dynamic has usually been established for a logical reason (for example, it makes financial sense) so goes unchallenged. The default parent often experiences real difficulties in prioritising themselves, or finding time for their own rest, interests, and other relationships – leaving them feeling trapped and depleted. The other parent might feel helpless in response, or sad that their relationship with their child is not as close as their partner’s. But there are things you can do to make a change.

Tips for navigating default parent dynamics Reflect with your partner on how you were parented, and what you’d like to do differently Both partners may hold unconscious biases toward

relationships

gendered views of parenting that are based on what you experienced in your own childhood. For example, that the female partner is ‘naturally’ the default parent. List all the other options, even those that are not feasible right now. This will help you get away from binary thinking. Then, decide which of the options might work, and how you can implement them together. In the previous example, the male partner might want to connect emotionally with his child, but not know how.

The default parent can help by encouraging the child to seek comfort from their father, too, helping the child learn that they have other sources of support, and dissolving any unconscious beliefs that only their mother can comfort them.

Allow your partner to parent differently The relationship between each of you and your children is dynamic and changing, and will continue to be throughout your child’s adolescence and adulthood. Your partner might parent or approach related tasks and activities differently from you. This is OK, because it likely reflects their unique relationship with your children. Breaking the entrenched patterns of default parenting requires a change from the familiar norm, so you might find yourself judging your partner’s different methods.

Discuss this without trying to change them, so that you can better tolerate their different parenting styles.

Focus on the end goal Changing long-term habits within a family, with lots of different relational dynamics, does not happen quickly. Remaining focused on a goal of long-term change is important to regulate the discomfort and frustration that arises when the status quo is challenged. Remember, although it might feel like your partner could change this overnight by taking on more, this dynamic has become entrenched for a reason: it probably worked for all of you, at one stage. Celebrate what might seem like small wins, such as your child approaching your partner for something they would once have come to you for.

It can create a sense of pressure, injustice, and resentment that often goes unaddressed until they are at breaking point

Hannah Beckett-Pratt is a relational transactional analysis counsellor.

Contact her via her profile on the Counselling Directory.

feel disappointing, no matter how much you want equality.

Remember, it’s a great thing for your child to have two fully active parents, and it’s OK to have your own life and interests, too. Sharing responsibility for parenting does not mean that your child will love you any less.

When it comes to default parent syndrome, family members are likely to internalise these norms, and so changing the dynamic will feel unfamiliar, and there is likely to be resistance. But, if both partners commit to change, it is possible. With communication and commitment, a more equal family life is within reach.

Accept losses as the dynamic changes While you may want your partner to take on more responsibility, this does not come without loss. When your child approaches your partner for something they would once seek you out for, this can happiful.com | Issue 77 | 13

W

D

W O T UL A H

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O D E L T O T S I AR In our search for happiness today, perhaps we just need to heed the words of one of the ancient world’s greatest philosophers Writing | George Bothamley

14 | Issue 77 | happiful.com

positive pointers

T

he question of how to live a happy life is one of the most fundamental in all of philosophy.

On some level, it shapes pretty much every decision we make in this life – from the career we pursue, to where we would like to live and any ambitions we would like to achieve.

And, the same can be said for much simpler decisions, too. For example, how we spend our spare time, or what we choose to eat for dinner, or even why you might be reading this article right now!

Essentially, it all comes back to one core decision: “Will doing this particular thing make me happier or unhappier?”

But while seeking happiness sounds relatively simple in theory, the reality can actually be much more confusing. Because what if the thing that seems to make you happy now, eventually starts to make you unhappy? Or what about the times when happiness is here one moment and then, for no real reason, starts to fade – like when you buy a new jacket which brings such joy on the first wear, but within a few months just gets lost in the back of your wardrobe?

It happens a lot, doesn’t it?

And, from the opposite angle, too. What about all the times when, in order to pursue happiness further down the line, we may have to do something which makes us unhappy in the short term – like dealing with a difficult task at work, or struggling through a tiring workout at the gym?

When all of this comes into the equation, too, it seems like

happiness becomes more and more intangible; akin to looking for the metaphorical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, or, at worst, leaving us wondering whether happiness exists at all.

But fortunately, this is where philosophy can help us.

Though the emotion of ‘being happy’ is unique to each individual, there are definitely ways in which we can learn to seek happiness more consciously.

And perhaps the most beautiful insight into how we can do this comes from the work of one of history’s most famous philosophers.

see my friends’ eyes glazing over! As if his name alone represents a ‘high-brow’ side to philosophy that is only ever longwinded and unrelatable.

But, rest assured, my purpose here is not to argue his defence, or stray into the academic sides of his ideas.

Rather, I’m looking for something a lot simpler. His insights about how we can find happiness.

And, in his book The Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle sets out a wonderful little model for how we tend to seek happiness in three key ways:

Though the emotion of ‘being happy’ is unique to each individual, there are definitely ways in which we can learn to seek happiness more consciously

Through pleasure: by sensory experiences, foods, listening to music, thrill-seeking, adventures, and so on.

I’m sure most of you reading this will be familiar with his name: Aristotle, the great polymath of ancient Greece and, later in life, the teacher to none other than Alexander the Great.

His ideas have shaped Western society for almost 2,500 years.

Yet, ironically, he is somewhat neglected these days, due in part to his reputation for being a bit of a bore.

In fact, if I ever happen to mention Aristotle in conversation, I can immediately

Through contemplation: or, in other words, finding happiness internally, rather than externally.

Through public acclaim: which includes any ambition of achieving reputation/fame in our career, but, more often, deals with the much more common habit of seeking approval from friends, family, or colleagues, etc.

Now of course, given what we have spoken about already, we can already see that there will always be problems with those first two methods.

Through pleasure and sensory experience, we tend to find momentary enjoyment, but never really the lasting feeling that we seek. >>> happiful.com | Issue 77 | 15

There is an internal kind of happiness – coming in the form of dreams, imagination, reminiscing, or just the simple joy of sitting and being present in the moment

And through seeking the approval of others, we may become prone to becoming a bit of a people-pleaser. Or, worse, we start to lose sight of our own self, simply because we are so fixated on how others are perceiving us.

Whereas, with the final method – seeking ‘contemplative’ happiness – the result is entirely different.

Here, we are no longer dependent on externals to provide for us. Rather, we learn that there is an internal kind of happiness – coming in the form of dreams, imagination, reminiscing, or just 16 | Issue 77 | happiful.com

the simple joy of sitting and being present in the moment – which may not be quite as thrilling as the others, but which is certainly a lot more dependable!

Contemplative happiness can be found in a tangible activity like meditation, where the whole purpose is essentially to centre the mind, and find peace in being present. But that is only one option. Because much like with the mindfulness practices mentioned in a lot of Eastern philosophy, absolutely anything can be transformed into a contemplative process.

We might choose to create art, or make music, simply for the joy of creating, rather than the aim of being admired for what we have created.

Or we might exercise to appreciate movement, rather than to attain a certain ideal image Or we might even approach something like cleaning the house as a contemplative activity, and thus genuinely enjoy the achievement of making our environment feel that little bit fresher.

In short, there are endless possibilities.

And this is the beauty of what is being suggested here. Because by encouraging contemplation, Aristotle is not advocating for asceticism or denial of the senses.

As he explains elsewhere, a truly happy life should ideally include being fulfilled in as many aspects as we can – health, wealth, knowledge, relationships, career achievement, and so on.

But through it all – if we approach our life from a contemplative perspective first, rather than inaction only – we will slowly learn that we can be happy with or without these external influences.

And, as a result of this realisation, any happiness we gain becomes much more secure. Like bathing in a beautiful calm ocean, rather than being tossed around constantly by the waves.

Train that brain

Brain exercises can improve our focus and memory, but they can also be great distraction tools for moments of heightened anxiety. Give these a go…

Write down as many European capital cities as you can.

Write down the lyrics to your favourite song.

Draw a map of the area around your home.

In your head, count backwards from 100.

Going from north to south, name as many UK counties as you can.

Brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand.

Read out loud. Why not start with your favourite articles in this issue? happiful.com | Issue XX | 17

“Life is a book and there are a thousand pages I have not yet read CASSANDRA CLARE, ‘CLOCKWORK PRINCESS’

Photograph | Anthony Tran

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a safe place

IT’S A GOOD TIME TO START WORRYING Scheduling a set period every day to confront your anxious thoughts could help you to manage them. Ready to give it a go?

Writing | Caroline Butterwick

L

ike many, I struggle with anxious thoughts throughout the day, leaving me exhausted and stressed. But could scheduling some daily time to worry help?

It might sound counter-intuitive to dedicate time to worries, but scheduling a set period for worrying can help stop your anxieties from seeping into the rest of your day, making them more manageable.

THE IMPACT OF WORRYING Worrying throughout the day can have a negative impact.

Counsellor Amy Drake explains: “Depending on the severity of the anxiety, it can be present as soon as we wake, which makes it harder to do everyday tasks

such as getting up and dressed.

If we do find ourselves in a cycle of worry, it can feel harder to concentrate, making work challenging, and socialising hard.” Everything from our diet to our sleep can be affected.

WHAT EXACTLY IS A ‘WORRY TIME’?

Scheduling a worry time is a technique sometimes taught in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). “The aim is to help individuals stop the cycle of worry from perpetuating by allowing one specific time to focus on challenging thoughts,” Amy says.

“The idea is that you note a designated time during the day that you will allow yourself to worry. You can then choose to

use the time to manage worries rather than dwell on them.

The space is for identifying if there’s anything you can do to practically solve the worry, such as an issue with work, and then finding steps to implement.

“If it’s out of your control, the time is used to practise accepting that you can’t control the outcome, and letting go of the thought,” says Amy. “It can be useful in helping to limit the thought cycle during the day, and help us to feel more equipped at managing future worries.”

SETTING A WORRY TIME It’s a technique I’ve been aware of for a while, and as a chronic worrier, I’m interested to give it a try. >>> happiful.com | Issue 77 | 19

IF WE DO FIND OURSELVES IN A CYCLE OF WORRY, IT CAN FEEL HARDER TO CONCENTRATE, MAKING WORK CHALLENGING, AND SOCIALISING HARD

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a safe place

Amy advises a daily worry time is tailored to your personal schedule. To start out, she recommends reserving more time, such as an hour, and then decreasing this down as you get more practised at the skill.

An environment where you feel safe is important, where it’s quiet and uninterrupted. Try not to use your bed, as this can mean it becomes associated with stress, which can affect your sleep.

Amy adds that it takes practice, so I’m not expecting it to be a quick fix.

GIVING IT A GO I think about my standard day, and how I could fit in a worry time. I decide on a half hour at around 4.30pm, when I’m usually starting to wind down from work, but am not in my evening relaxation mode yet.

I sit at the dining table with a notebook and pen, and jot down a few things that have been bothering me. I then do as Amy suggests, and try to think of solutions for these. Some of them, I realise, do have answers.

The messy kitchen counter I was fretting about? I can plan to tidy it this weekend. That piece of work I’m struggling with? There is someone I can ask for advice. By

the end of the half-hour, I have a plan for the worries I have some control over.

And now for the tricky bit: ending the worry time.

“This can be a challenging part of worry time – stopping!” Amy reassures me. “Firstly, it’s useful to create an actionable plan on how worry time will work for you, and this includes a plan for what to do when worry time has ended. Calling or meeting a friend afterwards, going to cook a new recipe, or watching a TV show that you know takes your attention, are all useful when stopping worry time.”

I decide that after worry time, I will chat to my husband, who has just finished work. This is usually how I spend this part of the day, so it feels like a natural way to transition out of worry time and into the evening. It helps me stop fixating on the worries I haven’t been able to solve, and remember that I have time tomorrow to deal with the ones I can.

CREATING A HABIT Over the next week, I schedule worry time each day.

Of course, I still worry outside of this. “It can be useful to write worries down when they come, and put them all in the same

Amy is a person-centred counsellor working with children and adults.

Visit the Counselling Directory to find out more.

place, so that you know you will remember to tackle them,” advises Amy. “In the moments your thoughts start to wander, try some simple mindfulness tools to bring you back to the present moment – focus on all the blue things in the room for example, call an uplifting friend, or if you are working, set yourself a deadline to focus on and complete a task.

Find something that you know can take your focus back to the here and now.”

If I notice a worry keeps cropping up, I note it down ready to revisit later. I tell myself: “You don’t need to think about this now.” As I do this, I realise that it becomes easier to park that worry.

I’ve not dismissed it, or tried to bury it, but I’ve simply said I’ll come back to it when I’m ready.

It takes time to get used to this technique – I’m still getting the hang of it. But so far, I’ve noticed I dwell on things less in the day, and feel better able to deal with them. So, I guess, that’s one less thing to worry about. happiful.com | Issue 77 | 21

How to use birdsong to reduce stress and boost mood From listening to evocative coos, to realigning our days with nature’s rhythms, birdsong may have a deeper impact on our happiness than we first thought Writing | Kerry Law

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ew research from the University of Surrey has confirmed that listening to birdsong can reduce anxiety, boost feelings of wellbeing, and even lift depression. Most of us soundtrack our days with playlists, podcasts, or ambient urban noise. But could happiness be found by tuning-in to nature’s free concert?

From the warbling of a nightingale to the majesty of the dawn chorus, melodic birdsong really does make our hearts sing – but why? It may be down to evolution.

“Birdsong might indicate a natural environment without predators,” explains Dr Eleanor Ratcliffe, lecturer in environmental psychology at

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

the University of Surrey, who led a study into the impact of birdsong on mental wellbeing.

“Since nature is the environment in which humans evolved, we are inclined to relax and feel better in pleasant, non-threatening natural settings that offer us resources that help our survival.”

So, how can we maximise the wellbeing benefits of birdsong day-to-day?

Go where the birds are A recent study led by King’s College London found everyday encounters with birds in natural spaces boosted mood and helped alleviate depression.

Jo Humphreys, nature and wellbeing officer for Lancashire Wildlife Trust, highlights how urban gardens, nature reserves, and parks with a variety of

habitats, are perfect locations to find birds. “In a well-visited park, the odds are the birds are quite used to people wandering past, so will likely be more relaxed if you stop to take a look. Birds, especially the smaller ones, like to have plenty of cover, so areas of scrub and woodland are ideal.”

But set your alarm for maximum exposure. “There’s an increase in song in the evening, but the dawn chorus is the real treat. It typically starts an hour before sunrise, peaking half an hour before, and getting quieter half an hour afterwards,” she adds.

Recorded birdsong is also effective Researchers in California discovered that listening to just seven to 10 minutes of birdsong, even if recorded, boosted wellbeing.

positive pointers

This is great news for those unable to access natural spaces so readily. Simply listening to an app on your commute, or while sitting at your desk, can help you de-stress during the working day.

Download the RSPB’s Birdsong FM app, or stream online radio station Birdsong.fm, for a quick blast of birds whenever and wherever you are.

Use birdsong in meditation A study commissioned by the National Trust found that listening to birdsong, along with other woodland sounds such as a trickling stream and crunching leaves, was 30% more effective at increasing feelings of relaxation than a voiced meditation app.

Swap your go-to meditation aid for a birdsong app, and let the sounds help you visualise being in a beautiful woodland or sunny garden surrounded by birdlife.

Practise for a week, and note any difference in your mood.

Find your favourite birds Dr Ratcliffe’s study found that our response to a particular bird sound may depend on personal associations. One participant found clucking chickens to be particularly comforting because it reminded her of being in the garden feeding her own hens.

Another associated the sound of wood pigeons with the summers of her childhood, prompting feelings of joy.

But not all birds are perceived positively. The study found that corvids (birds such as crows and gulls) can be stressful, irritating, and even scary for some.

Experiment with different avian sounds to see if they evoke specific memories – perhaps a skylark sings on your favourite walking route, or maybe seagulls aren’t irritating at all because they remind you of happy childhood trips to the beach.

your own birdsong mix (including suitably nocturnal owl sounds) and set a timer so it switches off once you’ve nodded off. If your bedroom is a phone-free zone, use the handheld Sensate device for 20 minutes of birdsong and calming vibrations before bedtime.

Wake up with the dawn chorus, fall asleep to the dusk chorus

Blackbird: An early riser but heard long into the evening, its song is flutey and mellow, with short nonrepeated phrases.

Tap into the ancient prompts for waking and sleeping and help reset your natural circadian rhythms. Some birdsong apps allow you to schedule the dawn chorus as an alarm so you wake up as nature intended.

It can also work at the end of the day. The lesser known ‘dusk chorus’, though not as intense as its dawn equivalent, has a relaxing effect that could help you drift off naturally. On the Atmosphere app, you can create

What’s that bird?

Jo Humphreys identifies the UK’s most common songbirds:

Robin: A fluid, silvery song described as melancholic in the winter, but more powerful and upbeat through spring and summer.

Wood pigeon: A repetitive coo to the rhythm of "my tooooe hurts, Bet-ty".

Wren: Remarkably loud for one of our smallest birds, its song is a fastpaced assortment of notes with a short machine gun-like trill towards the end.

happiful.com | Issue XX | 23

“Adapt what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own BRUCE LEE

Photograph | Kateryna Hliznitsova

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relationships

5

myths about long-term relationships, debunked When it comes to long-term relationships, we’re faced with all sorts of unrealistic expectations. So, what’s the reality?

Writing | Suzanne Baum

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upportive, destructive, loving, hurtful, joyous, intimate. Long-term relationships can be the best thing that ever happened to you, or the worst – and finding a life partner is no mean feat.

In the chaotic world we live in, where online chats, dating apps, matchmaking, and blind dates are part of the norm, it can still prove a minefield to find the perfect one. But, when you do happen upon the love of your life, the path to happiness often still has its ups and downs.

I’m speaking from experience, I have been happily married for 25 years in December. I know how very lucky I am to have found, and kept, the one. Yet I am under no illusion that it hasn’t taken work and effort from both sides of the relationship to have such a solid one.

My husband and I have had so many small cracks along the way, but because we have such a strong foundation of love, we have managed to ride them out.

And that is the most important part; knowing how to work through problems that arise.

Conflict in relationships is totally normal, and misconceptions can make people feel like failures when they encounter normal setbacks.

There are some myths when it comes to long-term relationships that need to be debunked.

Having had different opinions from my husband, queried our sex life, numerous arguments, and consulted relationship advice, I’m happy to share that realising all of the following has made us stronger. So, here are five myths about long-term relationships, debunked.

1. Having different beliefs will ruin your relationship This couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, having different beliefs can open up conversations, get you to appreciate your other half more, and learn about differences of opinion.

Of course, working together as a team – when it comes to things like finances, health, family, and work – is important, but that’s not to say you can’t come at it with a different mindset from one another.

In my relationship, both my husband and I have had a difference of opinion on many things – from choosing a state school over a private one to what area to set up home in. If we always had the same beliefs, life would be boring.

By bouncing ideas off each other and not always having >>> happiful.com | Issue 77 | 25

the same sense of reason, it has proven a positive experience for us to be able to listen, compromise, and fight out important issues.

2. Sex is the most important thing Of course, a relationship can thrive on sex. But when your love life stops being as bang-on as it once was in the early days of dating, that’s not to say the spark has gone. In fact, the most wonderful thing I have learnt about marriage is that being physically close – by that, I mean holding hands, laughing together, and cuddling – is just as important to me.

The thing with a long-term relationship is that sex is not the be-all and end-all. It can be totally dependent on the circumstances. There is no exact amount of sex that a married couple should have in order to qualify as having a ‘healthy sex life’. What constitutes the right amount of sex depends entirely on the couple.

3. Having arguments is a red flag Fights between two people can be very upsetting, but the most important thing here is not the 26 | Issue 77 | happiful.com

relationships

arguments you have, but how you resolve them. Couples who never fight could be repressing their anger and resentment, which can lead to bigger problems down the road.

argument.” I totally disagree! Of course you can go to bed angry.

In my case, I always need some time to cool down, and can often have a better perspective in the morning.

4. Having a family will cement your relationship

The most important thing here is not the arguments you have, but how you resolve them The key is to learn how to argue constructively. This means being respectful of each other, and trying to resolve the issue instead of just going on the attack. By managing to do this, it can actually strengthen your relationship – and although most people who argue want to ‘win’ the battle, trying to find a solution that works well for both sides is always the best outcome.

What I must add is how frustrated I get when people say “Don’t go to sleep on an

When it comes to having children with your partner, it can throw all sorts of emotions out of the pram.

Of course, it can be the most magical and loving thing to bring a baby into the world, yet it is no surprise that many studies have shown that having a baby can bring lots of stress to a marriage, and even push couples apart.

Having a child means less time to focus on your relationship with your partner, so unless you have laid the foundations down before you have a baby, it’s almost certainly going to be a very challenging time.

With three of our own, I look back at the early years of parenthood – broken sleep, raging hormones, and endless changing of nappies – as perhaps the hardest part of our relationship.

Yes, it binds you together with your partner forever, but it can really add a strain to a relationship, so don’t jump into having a baby together unless it is something you are ready for.

5. Lasting relationships don’t require work, they are effortless Too often, couples make the mistake of believing that a relationship will come naturally if they are meant to be together. But the truth is that all long-lasting relationships require work.

By this, I am not talking about lavishing your loved one with gifts, but continuous acts of kindness are a must. Just like you treat a best friend, your partner needs to be made to feel special – whether that is complimenting them on how they look, organising date nights, or cooking them their favourite meal.

We are creatures of habit and comfort. You’ve got to get out of your comfort zone and work to make your relationship thrive. Then, you’ll be on the right track to have a successful long-term relationship. happiful.com | Issue 77 | 27

5 things to ask yourself before ‘rage applying’ for jobs Take a breath and consider these questions Writing | Samantha Redgrave-Hogg

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e all have bad days at work, but when does a rough patch spin out of control? Before you know it, you’re rattling off job applications for any open position, even if they’re not your skill set. You may have seen ‘quiet quitting’, but now we have a new workplace buzzword: ‘rage applying’. So, when is it OK to think enough’s enough, and when do we need to consider the consequences? Let’s get reflecting…

Is there a pattern?

How you feel about your working environment may be a reflection of unresolved personal issues, such as dealing with criticism, a fear of saying no, or perfectionism.

Sometimes people leave jobs for the same old reasons, only to find that inner conflict was adding to the mix. Self-development may help you resolve the roots of the reaction, and avoid an early resignation.

What am I angry about?

Rocky road or end of the road?

Ask yourself: “What’s really making me feel this way?” Take some time to think, breathe deeply, and simply sit with the emotion. If you’re feeling undervalued, underpaid, or overlooked, it’s easy to understand why you’re getting frustrated.

Those feelings are valid, but rage applying is coming from a reactive place, and may only end up adding fuel to the fire.

Getting to know the feeling with compassion is a good first step.

If you’ve had a few tricky days, such as a disagreement or unflattering feedback, pushing the panic button out of revenge can feel like an easy escape, but it might be something you regret in the long run. If there are long-standing issues making you feel dissatisfied at work, it could be time to go job hunting.

But these problems might resolve themselves by speaking to your employer about the changes you’d like to see at work.

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What are my core values?

When coming to a fork in the path, it’s worth working out our core values. Prioritising our values in life gives us insight into why something isn’t working well, and helps us make decisions in a centred way. When we live in alignment with our values, life seems to flow. So what do you hold dear to your heart?

What am I good at?

A rage rampage of applying for a new job may be due to feeling out of control. If you’re applying for jobs you’re not qualified for, you may get knockbacks or no response at all. This can weigh down on your confidence and end up rubbing salt into the wound.

If you’d like a new direction, take some time putting together your CV, and congratulate yourself on your past achievements and unique skill set. It’s great to take back control, but in a positive and directional way.

food & health

Grow your own sleep aids Discover the houseplants that can have a powerful effect on your home environment, and create the perfect atmosphere for sleep Writing | Helen Barnett

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Artwork | Charlotte Noel

lants: we eat them, we drink them, but do you ever think about how we breathe them, too?

It seems obvious that beautiful plants create a tranquil atmosphere, perfect for winding down before bed. But now there’s increasing discussion around how greenery can detox our air, as well as our minds, when kept in the confines of our homes, making it easier to sleep.

Most plants only release oxygen during the day, but some pump it out at night too, meaning cleaner air and easier breathing.

This promotes a deeper sleep, and helps you drift off faster, too. Just what you need after a hard day. In fact, a 2015 study of university students found fresher bedroom air, with lower CO2 levels, lowered sleepiness the next day and improved their concentration levels.

So, what should you look out for when creating your blooming boudoir?

“Look for plants with air purifying qualities,” Thomas Høegh Reisenhus, a sleep specialist at mattress company Tempur, says. “These include the visually striking snake plant, perfect for larger bedrooms, the easy-to-care-for spider plant or, if you’re tight on space, opt for a pint-sized money plant.”

No matter what kind of gardener you are, there is a soothing shrub for everyone – whether you could give Monty Don a run for his money or have a tendency to, shall we say, have a fleeting relationship with new vegetation. Here are a few to get you started:

Lavender

This purple perennial has a gorgeous soothing scent, so it’s no wonder lavender is used for essential oils and relaxing spa treatments. Normally seen outdoors, lavender can also be brought inside, has

air-purifying qualities, and has been shown to reduce anxiety, lower heart rate, and promote relaxation.

In a study published in the Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine, participants who inhaled lavender essential oil before bedtime reported improved sleep quality, and felt more refreshed in the morning.

Lavender needs at least three hours of direct sunlight a day and dousing in water, but only when the soil has become slightly dry.

Jasmine

The scent of jasmine was found to improve sleep efficiency and reduced sleep movement in a study by Wheeling University, in West Virginia. And it was shown to have sedative effects on the central nervous system in a study published in the Journal of Biological Chemistry.

German researchers found the scent ‘vertacetal-coeur’ – which >>> happiful.com | Issue 77 | 29

Being close to nature is known to reduce stress, and a walk in the woods can often bring clarity in difficult times

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food & health

derives from the Gardenia plant family that includes Cape jasmine – successfully enhanced GABA activity. GABA is a chemical that helps to regulate anxiety, stress, and fear by blocking signals to your brain.

“This can help you fall asleep faster and wake up feeling more refreshed,” Carlie Gasia, certified sleep science coach at Sleepopolis says. “The sweet scent of jasmine has a calming effect on the body, and can help reduce anxiety and improve sleep quality.”

If you can’t find a plant, drinking jasmine tea, or using jasmine oil, can also help soothe the mind.

Although jasmine is usually grown outside, you can bring its calming fragrance indoors with careful supervision. Place your plant where it can get six or more hours of sunlight a day – bright but indirect light is ideal.

Water regularly, but don’t let the soil get soggy. To maintain humidity, place the aerated plant pot on a tray with some gravel or stones. Keep the bottom of the tray watered, but don’t let the plant sit in the water itself (and remember to water the soil as usual)! It actually doesn’t like the temperature too hot – thriving between 15°C and 23°C.

Snake plant

While most plants only release oxygen during the day, the snake plant emanates oxygen at night, helping purify the air while you catch your Zzzs. Nasa research has even shown the humble snake plant can remove toxins and irritants, such as

formaldehyde and benzene, from our bedrooms, creating the perfect environment for an easy-breathing, sound night’s sleep. And the best thing? This is one hardy plant, needing little watering. While it likes the sunshine, it can live well in darker corners, too.

Aloe vera

Aloe vera loves to pump out oxygen through the night and take in your carbon dioxide while you sleep, making it perfect for the bedroom.

“It can purify the air, improve air quality, and remove harmful pollutants such as formaldehyde, benzene, and carbon monoxide,” says Sleepopolis’ Carlie. “Better air quality can lead to better sleep, especially for people who suffer from allergies or asthma.”

The succulent hardly needs any water, just a drop every few weeks in summer, and less in winter. Position it somewhere with indirect light and a steady temperature. It’ll only outgrow its pot every two or three years.

Spider plant

Spider plants are another detox marvel, removing formaldehyde, benzene, and carbon monoxide from the air. They’ve even been said to reduce headaches, fatigue, and colds due to their clarifying properties. A study by Kansas State University actually found hospital patients with the spindly-leaved plant required less pain relief and had less anxiety or depression.

For those inexperienced in gardening, the spider plant only needs occasional watering and doesn’t like direct sunlight.

English ivy

For those with respiratory issues, ivy could be a gamechanger.

It sucks up airborne mould, purifying the air and removing toxins that could trouble those with asthma or other breathing problems.

English ivy looks beautiful trailing down from shelves or cupboards. And the more leaves, the more mould it can remove, as well as benzene, trichloroethylene, and formaldehyde, which can aggravate eyes, nose, throat, and the skin.

It needs damp leaves at all times, which could mean regular spritzing with water. However, its soil doesn’t need much watering.

But do watch out as English ivy leaves are toxic to animals, so avoid this one if you have pets.

These sleep aids could transform your rest, but being close to nature is also known to reduce stress, and a walk in the woods can often bring clarity in difficult times. Even a tiny patch of greenery in a space to call your own can improve levels of the stress hormone cortisol – researchers at the University of Sheffield actually found adding a few shrubs to urban front gardens more than doubled the number of people with healthy levels. So embrace your green fingers. It could do more for you than just help you nod off. happiful.com | Issue 77 | 31

The perfectionist trap

Beneath the surface of striving for perfection, could lie insecurity, procrastination, and self-doubt. But it’s time to stop the cycle. Columnist Michelle Elman shares the underlying causes behind perfectionist behaviour, and what you can do to break free from it Writing | Michelle Elman

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n my eyes, being a perfectionist doesn’t exist. It is a fancy way of disguising the truth: the fear of judgement and rejection.

The problem is, people have started identifying with perfectionism, and once you turn it into an identity-level belief, then it is harder to unlearn. In reality, it isn’t an identity, it is a habit. It is a behaviour we have repeated that has become our norm, and is used as an excuse to hide behind how scary putting yourself out there can be. When you use it at an identitylevel, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Perfectionism can be used in a few ways. The first is using perfectionism to put people down, making you feel you are better than others. Usually, you would have experienced a person like this at school. The one who slows down the group project, who will moan you aren’t doing enough, and then take over, usually redoing everything you have done because ‘I’m a perfectionist’ – usually with

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a sentence about how you might be OK submitting mediocre work, but they are not.

This behaviour and reaction stem from the ego. The ego’s job is to protect your unconscious, so the ego takes a superior approach in order to not reveal the insecurity lying beneath it. Again, because perfectionism can be about fear, they may project their fear and insecurity on you to feel superior.

They see it as them simply having higher standards than you, but it’s not about that. They might act like they are better than you, but that’s not why they are doing it. They are doing it because of a need to be in control. They are unable to trust that your work is satisfactory, because the grade means so much more to them than it does to you.

Their self-worth depends on that mark being good, because their self-worth is not internal. They do not believe they are good enough in themselves, and therefore if they perform well enough, or do enough for others, then that will fill

the void where their self-esteem should be. Remember it’s about the fear of rejection, failure, and judgement.

The second way perfectionism is used is to never get anything done.

This is when being a perfectionist results in immobility. Work never gets submitted, because it is too overwhelming to begin with. It is still motivated by the fear of rejection, but how it presents itself in behaviour is ‘Why bother trying if I am going to be rejected’ or, even worse, ‘If I reject myself then others can’t reject me.’ It’s the illusion that if they wait until they are ready, then the piece of work will be perfect, but since humans are not perfect, and you could always improve on something, it results in being at a standstill.

I know an author who missed her deadline five times, because her work wasn’t ‘perfect’. We got our first book deals at the same time, and I have three published books to my name, and one on the way, and she still hasn’t got her

@MICHELLELELMAN

They do not believe they are good enough in themselves, and therefore if they perform well enough or do enough for others, then that will fill the void where their self-esteem should be

first book out. One of the ways I am able to hit submit is to remind myself that 95% of the time is wasted on perfecting the last 5%.

You can be twiddling on small details forever, but ultimately, they don’t make a big difference.

You will always grow and evolve.

I see each book as a time capsule of what my writing was like at the time. Of course, over time I will improve, but you only improve by doing. My fourth book should be better than my first, but the reason people don’t hit send is because it means you will be seen, which is scary – especially if you don’t like yourself, or feel good enough as you are!

Similarly, when I was training to be a life coach, I had got a full client roster by the time a colleague had launched their website. In that same time, I had redone my website five times, because as I began to grow a client list, I started being able to see what specialities I wanted to focus on, but I learned that by getting started. I got started, and learned on the go, whereas they let an imperfect website stall them. This demonstrates that one of the key mindsets to nip perfectionism in the bud is to remember that no one ever feels ready. The concept of ‘ready’ doesn’t exist. Say yes, and figure it out later. If it doesn’t go

well, you will learn, but at least you tried. At least you didn’t miss out on the opportunity.

Finally, the best advice I have to put an end to perfectionism is to get a hobby you are rubbish at… and make no attempt at improving. Allow yourself to enjoy something for the fun of it, let yourself enjoy time that is not productive or improving towards a goal, and allow yourself to be seen, even when you look silly or you aren’t at your best. You will have a whole lot of fun doing it!

Michelle Elman is an author, TEDx speaker, and five-board accredited life coach. Follow her on Instagram @michellelelman happiful.com | Issue 77 | 33

How to take care of your financial health when you have ADHD Living with ADHD and struggling with your finances? You’re not alone Writing | Eleanor Noyce

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hen I was finally diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) at 23 years old, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Legally, I’d only been an adult for five years, but the damage I’d already managed to inflict on my finances was palpable.

I’d let impulse spending wreak havoc as I struggled with my mental health after starting university. I was chasing dopamine by binge-eating most nights, and buying shots at the club to distract my busy brain. I kept mining further and further into my overdraft until there was nothing left.

£

$

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

In 2022, YouGov research commissioned by Monzo Bank found that ADHD costs the average person approximately £1,600 per year – something which has been termed the ‘ADHD Tax’. That considered, there’s little wonder I struggled – and I still do.

So, how can you take care of your financial health when you have ADHD? Here are a few actionable steps.

Remove the shame First things first, try to undo the guilt. Self-shaming only makes things worse. So, rather than internally labelling any previous financial decisions you made that might have had repercussions as ‘bad’, try rebranding and viewing them as just ‘decisions.’ Then, there’s accountability, but there’s no ‘b’ word.

“Acknowledging the shame is the first step,” says ADHD accountant and money coach Tina Mathams. “And knowing it’s OK and it can be worked on.

This might be to learn what your money story is, or explore why you might feel shame around your money. Getting to the cause is going to go a long way into helping overcome the shame.”

Set up direct debits It might seem like an easy one, but setting up direct debits for as many bill payments as possible can go a long way, helping you to avoid any of those pesky late fees.

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wellbeing

I’ve lost track of the amount of money I’ve lost over the years because I forgot to pay a bill on time. Having things automated can help to alleviate that stress.

Neurodiversity consultant and ADHD coach Hester Grainger recommends bank accounts with round-up settings, like Starling. “You can set aside spaces to save for different things,” Hester explains. “You can also add the round-up function to save without realising. You choose a percentage to put to one side, and every time you pay with your card, it gets transferred immediately to a specific space.”

Banks like Monzo also offer this service – I have a pot for my holiday accompanied by a fun image and lots of emojis, to encourage that special dopamine hit I get from adding to it.

Gamification works wonders.

Wait before making purchases

!

Spotted a new jacket on ASOS and instantly obsessed? It can be all too tempting to add it straight to the basket and check out – and if you’re anything like me, you’ve heavily relied on buy now, pay later schemes.

I’ve had many a threatening email when I’ve forgotten to pay this money back, and that can be a stressful path to traverse.

Hester practises adding things to an online shopping basket and waiting 24 hours.

“Sometimes, just adding it can be enough of a dopamine hit,” she explains.

ADHD costs the average person approximately £1,600 per year

mathematics that’s been likened to dyslexia for numbers.

“Reach out for help,” she suggests. “If accounting and bookkeeping is not your forte, look into apps.” Budgeting apps like Financielle explain financial concepts in an accessible, ADHDcompatible way.

Remember: it’s OK to communicate how you’re feeling about money. Keeping that burden to yourself can be huge – simply telling someone that you’re struggling with it will at least lessen the emotional turmoil.

By sharing, you’re not asking anyone to pay off your debts for you – you’re simply saying: “Hey, I’m struggling with this.” And that’s OK.

Reach out for help Money isn’t just numbers – it’s emotions. When I’ve overspent in the past, I’ve self-shamed and buried that.

Kate Moryoussef – a wellbeing and lifestyle coach for ADHD women, and host of ‘The ADHD Women’s Wellbeing Podcast’ – explains that ADHDers often struggle with dyscalculia, a difficulty in understanding

happiful.com | Issue XX | 35

‘You walk through mud and squishy moss as you journey through the lush, wet woods towards your quiet hideaway.’

‘You follow a trail through moors and mountains that your favourite writer detailed in one of their lesser-known works.’

‘You walk beside the silent lake before the world has woken up.’

‘You add pomegranate seeds and chopped mint leaves to your salad.’

Escape the real world…

Let the stress of day-to-day life drift away by spending some time indulging in these pastoral fantasies ‘Comfortable in your hammock, you take a long afternoon nap and dream of the supper you will make this evening.’

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‘Accompanied by only the ocean and a flock of scuttling seabirds, you daydream as you trace patterns in the sun-warmed sand.’

Enjoyed these daydreams? Find hundreds more, and get regular prompts, by following @apastoraldream on Twitter

a safe place

The cemeteries full of life Aimée Grant Cumberbatch explores the cemeteries where life and death exist in harmony, and uncovers what these spaces can teach us about grief, bereavement, and our place in the world

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ehind my house, there are dead people. Sounds creepy, right? Depending on your perspective, it is. My house backs on to a cemetery.

To be fair, as cemeteries go, it’s not that creepy. Like others up and down the UK, it’s a haven for nature. In the spring and summer, wildflowers, like bird’s-foot-trefoil and common mallow, mingle with grasses, left to grow long.

The sounds are the noisy squawks of parakeets, the cackling call of green woodpeckers, the shushing of those grasses or the hum of chatty crickets hiding within.

Not only can cemeteries provide crucial wildlife habitats in urban areas, and access to green spaces for the humans that live nearby, they are also uniquely contemplative spaces that promote wellbeing in a variety of ways. With awareness of the environmental impact of human death fuelling demand

for eco-friendly burials, people are increasingly alive to the idea of cemeteries as spaces for far more than neat rows of graves and grass, only visited by mourners.

Three cemeteries that are wonderful examples of this are Ford Park Cemetery in Plymouth, Nunhead Cemetery in south London, and Arnos Vale Cemetery in Bristol. Their histories mirror those of many Victorian cemeteries, which became accidental wildlife refuges when their owners’ profits dried up.

During the early 1800s, churchyards, where burials traditionally took place, were becoming overcrowded and unsanitary. So from 1832 cemeteries, starting with London’s ‘Magnificent Seven’, were created around the country to provide new places for burials. In line with the Victorian experience of death as ever-present, thanks to high mortality rates especially among

children, these cemeteries were conceived as spaces for the living and the dead.

For wealthy Victorians, they were also places to display financial power, leading to ornate tombs or statues atop graves. Families would come to visit graves, but also to picnic and admire trees or botanical specimens. Cemeteries were intended to be spaces of beauty, leisure, and learning, as well as mourning.

Once the cemeteries began filling up, the profits for the private companies that ran them dwindled, and many were eventually left to become overgrown and unkempt. At Nunhead, the period of neglect helped usher in wildlife, but for those charged with its maintenance in the 21st century, undoing some of its wildness is essential.

Friends of Nunhead Cemetery (FONC) co-ordinator Jeff Hart >>> happiful.com | Issue 77 | 37

explains how the cemetery’s years of neglect saw ash and sycamore trees self-seed unchecked. Two of the commonest trees in the cemetery, they are not always the most useful for wildlife.

Part of the efforts of FONC, who work to conserve the cemetery, is to cut back and thin out these species, giving ground to slower growing varieties like beech, oak, hornbeam, and birch.

It also allows for the creation of open spaces, ensuring the site has a diversity of habitat as well as trees, with areas of wetland, scrub, grassland, and even a hazel glade. These benefit a host of different wildlife, including 120 species of funghi, 60 species of bird, and 207 types of insect – one of which has never been recorded anywhere else.

There are benefits for human visitors, too – FONC keeps a section of the cemetery clear of tall trees to ensure the view across to St Paul’s Cathedral is preserved. The different areas provide interest, and FONC also includes botanical specimens that recall the common Victorian planting style.

Striking a balance between the cemetery’s present and its past, and its visitors – human and non-human – is a key theme in the management of all three cemeteries. This includes balancing the sometimes conflicting expectations of what a cemetery should look like. One person’s unmown, 38 | Issue 77 | happiful.com

wildlife-friendly grass is another’s unkempt and seemingly unmanaged space.

At all three cemeteries, there are efforts to usher visitors and mourners into the journey of managing wildlife. Arnos Vale uses signage to explain its work, and will create a mown path for anyone wishing to visit a grave in the cemetery’s meadow-cut areas of longer grass. It’s important visitors know any seeming untidiness is by design, and serves a purpose.

Arnos Vale and Ford Park are active cemeteries, and offer plots in more traditionally-managed areas – think close-cut grass and neat rows of headstones.

But they also have wilder burial areas. Here, mourners bury their loved one in a coffin that won’t harm the environment as it biodegrades, and, instead of headstones, might lay a small wooden plaque or plant a native tree like hawthorn – beloved by butterflies and moths. This opportunity to situate death within wild spaces can offer the chance to view it as part of something bigger, part of the circle of life.

But even for those who aren’t mourning, visits to cemeteries which are actively managed as spaces of both life and death present opportunities to adapt our relationship with mortality in helpful ways. Or at least just open up the subject to conversation, and thereby make it less taboo.

Janine Marriott, public engagement manager at Arnos Vale cemetery says: “A cemetery feels like a very natural space to talk about [these things]. There’s a lot of evidence to suggest that if you are comfortable talking about your own death and also make your relatives aware of your end-of-life choices, it makes your passing easier for everyone.

People can be a bit superstitious, but talking about death definitely doesn’t kill you.”

Janine also notes the tranquillity of cemeteries is key. “At night, you get a lot fewer people using a cemetery [than a park]. So badgers and foxes can roam freely without being disturbed. Also, most historic cemeteries were built before the age of electricity. That means there’s very little light on site. They are great dark spaces for wildlife.” This tranquillity is good for humans, too: “They’re quite contemplative spaces. Unlike a park, you haven’t generally got people kicking a football around,” says Janine.

What can make cemeteries an especially vital wellbeing resource is their accessibility. Ford Park, Arnos Vale, and Nunhead are all located in urban areas, offering a green space for those living nearby. Like other green spaces, they can also help improve air quality, but may be especially effective as they often contain many mature trees. These have been found to clean air more efficiently than younger ones.

This opportunity to situate death within wild spaces can offer the chance to view it as part of something bigger, part of the circle of life

Janine explains that Arnos Vale is located between the A37 and the A4, so the cemetery “is a really important part of the green lungs”. Even if nearby residents never visit a cemetery, they’ll still get a health and wellbeing boost.

But if they do visit, the wellbeing benefits are manifold. These cemeteries are often sweeping spaces – Nunhead is 52 acres, Arnos Vale is 45, and Ford Park is 32.5. But even when small, like the cemetery behind my house, they are places in which to lose yourself, whether in the stories that the gravestones tell, the architectural details of another time, the buzz of pollinating insects around wildflowers, the sunlight through leaves and branches, or even just in the atmosphere of these unique spaces. happiful.com | Issue 77 | 39

Ask the experts

How can we improve our relationship with technology?

Counsellor Donna Morgan answers your questions on teens, technology, and making sure your family have a healthy and balanced relationship with their phones Learn more on the Counselling Directory.

Q

I’m worried about the impact social media has on my child’s self-esteem.

What can I do?

A

Open communication about their social media usage is essential. Actively engage in their digital world; ask about the people they follow, the content they like, and how certain posts make them feel. This can help you understand if they’re being influenced negatively, which, in turn, can help you understand their feelings better.

Time management is another vital aspect. Implementing screen-time limits can ensure a balanced exposure to the virtual world.

Encourage them to curate their social media feeds to include accounts that promote positivity, diversity, real-life experiences, and inspiring messages. This can aid in creating a healthier, more uplifting, online environment.

Remind your child that social media is a curated platform.

Many users showcase a

glorified version of their lives, which might be far from their actual reality. Teach them not to compare themselves with these often-unrealistic images, and to think critically, question what they see, and challenge harmful stereotypes.

Lastly, create a supportive atmosphere at home. Let them know they can approach you with any issues they face online, reassuring them that they’re not alone. Teach them to value their self-worth beyond digital validation.

Counselling Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Tips for having a healthy relationship with technology:

Q Technology is our main form of entertainment and family bonding. Is that a bad thing?

A

Technology, when used thoughtfully, can provide avenues for entertainment and family bonding. It offers educational tools, access to vast information, interactive games, and the opportunity to stay connected with distant

1. Digital literacy. Teach teens how to use digital tools effectively and responsibly.

2. Balanced tech use.

Encourage a balance between screen time and other activities.

3. Open communication.

Maintain an open dialogue with your teenagers about their online experiences.

4. Model healthy behaviour.

Lead by example and show your teens what a healthy relationship with technology looks like.

loved ones, all of which can be beneficial.

However, reliance solely on technology for family bonding might limit opportunities for deeper emotional connections that come from more traditional activities, such as shared meals, outdoor activities, and face-toface conversations.

While technology indeed offers an array of benefits, it should ideally supplement, not supersede offline family interactions. By

creating a well-rounded mix of activities, both digital and nondigital, we can help develop more robust and varied familial bonds.

So, let technology be a helpful tool in family life, but not the exclusive driver of family relationships.

Initiating ‘time out’ periods for phones, such as during family dinners or prior to bedtime, is a positive step. This rule should apply to everyone. As adults, we can inspire significant change by leading by example.

Open discussions about the potential impacts of phone usage are essential. Encourage your teenager to invest time in offline activities and immerse

themselves in nature, thereby aligning with their circadian rhythms for improved health.

As parents, it’s our responsibility to remain vigilant. By ensuring a healthy relationship with technology, we can help them navigate this digital age while retaining the essence of interpersonal connections and the importance of wellbeing.

Q Should I be worried about how much my teenager relies on their mobile phone?

A

In our digitally infused world, it’s no surprise that teenagers’ reliance on mobile phones is a topic of concern for many parents.

However, the key lies in achieving a balanced usage.

happiful.com | Issue 77 | 41

Restless night refreshers Three energy-boosting breakfasts to try after a bad night’s sleep Writing | Ferdia Earle

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ou stare at the clock blinking on the bedside table. It’s 3am. Try as you might, sleep just isn’t happening. Perhaps you were up late in the glow of your laptop screen, working to a deadline. Or perhaps you have woken too early in anticipation of a big day. Whatever the reason, it was a night of tossing and turning and the arrival of dawn is a welcome relief.

All of us will suffer bad nights, and while it’s important to ensure that you usually sleep well, knowing what to do when you sleep badly will better support how energised you feel that day (and set you up for a better sleep the following night, hopefully).

Here are three breakfast ideas using ingredients you’re likely to have in your cupboards. Even the most sleep-deprived person should be able to make these!

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Eggs and greens on toast Ingredients • 2 eggs • 2 slices whole grain bread • 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil • 1–2 handfuls leafy greens (spinach, chard, or kale) • Salt and pepper • ½ tsp mustard • 1 lemon *Sea salt contains iodine which supports energy production, skip this if you have high blood pressure.

Method • To poach the eggs, fill a saucepan with water and bring to a boil. Reduce to a simmer.

Crack the egg (one at a time) in a small bowl and slip into the water. Turn off the heat, cover, and set a timer for 4 minutes.

• While the eggs are poaching, pop the bread in the toaster.

• Add 2 tbsp olive oil to a frying pan on a low heat. When warm, add the greens. Sauté until wilted.

• On a plate, layer the toast, greens, and eggs.

• Season with salt, pepper, mustard and a squeeze of lemon.

• Season with salt, pepper, mustard if using and a squeeze of lemon.

Ferdia says: Eggs are a winner after a bad night, as they are packed with protein and energising B vitamins.

Toast provides quick-release energy, while the fat in eggs is slower-burning.

Dark greens contain energising magnesium, potassium, and vitamins A, C, and K. Sautéeing them in oil increases the body’s absorption of their fat-soluble nutrients. Vitamin C in lemon enhances the absorption of iron from the greens, combatting fatigue. The omega-3 in EV olive oil reduces inflammation in the body after a poor night’s sleep. For variety, trade the eggs for scrambled silken tofu, or avocado and tomato.

food & health

Granola and yoghurt Ingredients • 100g Greek yoghurt • 1 cup plain granola • 1 small banana and/or 1 handful of berries • Half a tsp cinnamon or 1 tsp raw honey (optional) • 1 tbsp ground flaxseed or chia seeds • 1 small handful of pumpkin seeds (optional) • 1 small handful of raw nuts or 1 tbsp nut butter (optional)

Fruit-loaded pancakes Ingredients • 20g wholemeal flour (wheat, spelt, or other) • 20g plain flour (wheat, or other) • Half a tsp baking powder • 1 egg • 45 ml whole milk (or alternative) • 1 tsp butter or coconut oil • 1 small banana or a handful of berries • 1 tbsp peanut butter or 2 tbsp Greek yoghurt (optional) • 1 tsp raw honey (optional)

Method • Combine the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl.

• In a separate bowl, beat the egg. Add the milk and combine.

• Slowly add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients, mixing until a thick batter forms.

• On medium heat, melt the butter or oil in a frying pan.

• Reduce the heat and add a ladle of batter to the pan. Wait until bubbles form then flip.

• Repeat until the batter is used up.

• Serve your pancakes with your fruits and toppings of choice.

Ferdia says: Nothing beats pancakes for that comforting, indulgent feeling you sometimes want after sleeping badly. This recipe includes fruit for a boost from natural sugars packaged in plenty of fibre. Bananas offer a great boost of energy thanks to their potassium content, while berries are packed with anti-inflammatory phytonutrients and antioxidants — blackberries and strawberries in particular are high in vitamin C, which supports energy production.

Peanut butter and/or Greek yoghurt provides additional protein and healthy fats.

Method • In a bowl, add the yoghurt and granola.

• Slice the banana and add the berries.

• Top with your nuts and seeds of choice, a sprinkle of cinnamon, and a drizzle of honey.

Ferdia says: Oats are a fantastic source of fibre and slow-release energy, especially combined with the protein and fats in yoghurt, seeds, and nuts. Seeds are absolutely packed with vitamins and minerals, including those that support energy production. Not to mention, both chia and flaxseeds are antiinflammatory thanks to their high omega-3 content.

Ferdia Earle is a registered nutritional therapist and functional medicine practitioner. Find out more on her profile at the Nutritionist Resource. happiful.com | Issue 77 | 43

Libraries: A place to be safe Walk through the threshold of a library and, between the shelves, you’ll find something special brewing. From reading lists to guide you through hard times, to a place to feel safe and warm, libraries are stepping up for communities – and everyone is welcome Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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arol Murdoch grew up in Edinburgh – not the ‘nice’ side of Edinburgh, she’s quick to note. Back then, in the 80s, it was dubbed the ‘heroin capital of Europe’, a culture that was highlighted by Irvine Welsh’s 1993 Trainspotting and is still present today, with Scotland seeing almost fourtimes as many drug-related deaths than the UK average. For Carol, drug use was something you found on your doorstep – but, just five minutes down the road, was its rival.

She shows me a photo of a building. It’s single-storey, sitting among grey and brown, angular tower blocks. There is a lot of concrete, and a dark sky, but the building in focus is bursting with colour, each wall, from roadside to roof, is covered in art.

“Beautiful graffiti,” Carol says. “A

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

beacon of happiness, just sitting there.” This building was Carol’s local library, and it’s where her story begins. But first, let’s jump back to the 19th century.

In 1852, something rather radical happened in Manchester, when the first public library to be set up under the provisions of the Public Libraries Act 1850 opened its doors. Using local authority funding, stocking 18,028 books (at a cost of £4,156, about £480,000 today), what was once reserved for only a small fraction of society, was suddenly available for all.

These spaces provide free education, information, support, and escapism – and their goal was to go some way towards levelling the playing field of an unlevel society. They were radical then and, in the context of today, they still are.

I’m told a story by Suffolk Libraries, about a young couple who arrived looking to apply for a disabled bus pass. While they were there, they asked about the warm rooms on offer, and two days later arrived and went straight into one. A short while later, the young man asked to speak with a member of staff, explaining their difficult situation and the young woman’s downturn in health. Their housing was precarious, and their home was freezing cold, which didn’t help the woman’s health. With the couple’s permission, the member of staff put them in touch with local councillors, and within 48 hours, warm blankets, quilts, duvet sets, and emergency food was organised for them.

“What always blows me away around my front-line colleagues is that they will come and tell >>>

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happiful.com | Issue 77 | 45

me a story about what they’ve done, and they’ll just treat it like an everyday thing,” says Suffolk Libraries Deputy CEO Krystal Vittles. “I’ll stand there with my mouth open like, you do realise that’s amazing?”

What’s happening at Suffolk Libraries is the perfect example of the harmonious synergy between wellbeing support and libraries. It makes sense that these institutions, with their radical, forward-thinking history, step up for modern communities in creative ways. In Suffolk, the offerings are fruitful – everything from a dedicated health and wellbeing service to Men Can Talk sessions, a period poverty service, a menopause support project, fitness sessions, cancer support groups, and a new book collection to help people navigate bereavement, are open to all.

When asked what one of her favourite offerings is, Krystal points to a scheme called Open Space, a peer-to-peer support group attended by mental health experts. It isn’t a clinical intervention, and it may not be a replacement for other forms of support, but anyone can come along and enter the non-judgemental space to speak freely about what they are going through.

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She also highlights their home library service, designed for those who want to use the library, but who can’t make it in. Volunteers go out and meet people, taking their book requests and bringing them back. Krystal explains that, while initially it may seem as though the visits are purely transaction, you find that they’re also about human connection – leading to conversations about the world around them, life, and, of course, books.

“Our mobile service is kind of similar to our home service,” Krystal continues. “You’ve got a bus coming round to the rural villages, and people are changing their books – but, actually, if you ever spend time on those buses, our mobile library bus managers come into the community, they have chats, and they know people’s names to the point where if they are a regular customer – and perhaps have some vulnerability maybe around age or health – and they don’t turn up as they usually would,

a safe place

they’ll give them a ring and check everything is OK. I just don’t think you can put a monetary value on that.”

But, uniquely, in a way, Suffolk Libraries actually can.

In independent research by consultants Moore Kingston Smith, impact analysis of Suffolk Libraries found that services generate £41 million worth of ‘social value’ (a measurement increasingly used by businesses and local authorities to better understand impact beyond profit), estimating it to save NHS services in Suffolk around £542,000 per year.

It’s that safe space in the community, that limitless access to information, education, and support, and a place for reflection, that make libraries so successful in supporting wellbeing. Plus, as Krystal points out, they provide another important element: a sense of dignity.

“There’s a narrative around people who are experiencing poverty, whether it’s that they get looked down on, or the patronising language around them. In this country, some people treat it like a moral failing, if people haven’t got money. But in libraries, we completely reject that. Anyone who comes through

our door, you are treated exactly the same, no matter what you have in your bank account or how you dress, and no matter how you present yourself. And that’s all about dignity.”

Returning to Carol, and when I put this sentiment to her, it certainly rings true.

“There is nowhere else in society where you can go and just be accepted, and not have to spend money,” she says. “My mum had four kids, there wasn’t any money to spend. But Mum could take us in there, and we could walk away with a bag of books each. It didn’t matter that they were going back to the library, you got that bag full of books, and you had pride in having that bag.”

Like a library, Carol’s story has a cyclical element. Her first job was at the National Library of Scotland, working as a cleaner, starting each morning at 4 am.

Later, when she was training to become a primary school teacher, she returned to work in the library near her childhood home. Today, she is the author of Breaking into the Playground, a guide to outdoor teaching. “Going from an early morning cleaner at the National Library of Scotland, to knowing that my book is in there, and it will forever be in there, is unbelievable,” she says.

Anyone who comes through our door, you are treated exactly the same When beloved author Malorie Blackman spoke at Hay Festival back in June of this year, she echoed a lot of the same sentiments, sharing how libraries saved her life, and were the reason she became a writer. In the face of underfunding and closures, she called for libraries to be “ring fenced and protected”, adding: “I wouldn’t be talking to you now if it wasn’t for my local library.”

One way we can protect them is by making full use of them, an act that’s made all the easier by the magic that’s to be found in being surrounded by books, and by book lovers. A safe space for those who need guidance, support, or just a bit of escapism, these unique institutions are a wonder to behold. So whether you’re looking for your next good read, or for the uplifting power of a supportive community, all it takes to unlock the magic of a library is stepping over the threshold. happiful.com | Issue 77 | 47

4 signs a workplace is guilty of wellbeing washing Is it all too good to be true? Learn how to spot the signs that a company’s wellbeing promises are merely surface level Writing | Stacey Carter

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ith awareness of mental health issues growing, employers are now, more than ever before, being expected to offer more than the usual benefits package when advertising job roles. However, so-called ‘wellbeing washing’ is becoming an increasing problem in the workplace, with many organisations claiming to prioritise mental health, but failing to safeguard their employees’ mental wellbeing.

“Wellbeing washing is when an organisation advertises themselves to be advocates for wellbeing and mental health.

Unfortunately, the reality is that a lot of the time this isn’t implemented,” explains psychotherapist Sedef Salim.

“Wellbeing washing can conceal the fundamental issues at play, and employees can begin to get a strong sense of this contradiction, between what benefits they were promised as employees, and what that actually looks like.”

Getting employee wellbeing right should be a priority for companies – as, according to research conducted by the

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government’s Health and Safety Executive (HSE), 12.8 million working days were lost in 2018–19 due to stress, depression, and anxiety – but that doesn’t always happen.

“What’s lacking in the work environment ends up impacting the employee’s mental health and wellbeing,” says Sedef. “This can have serious repercussions on the mechanics of running an organisation successfully, as good mental health is a crucial underpinning of employee performance.”

This disparity in what companies offer on paper, compared to the support they actually provide, can lead to many people feeling unsupported by their workplace. But, understanding what wellbeing washing is, and how it manifests, can help us navigate it when it arises. So, how can you spot the signs that, behind the big wellbeing claims, something isn’t adding up?

1. The organisation has a bad reputation

You can probably assume that if past employees have negative

things to say about a company on sites such as Glassdoor, chances are that your experience will be similar, if not the same.

“While reading these reviews, you may notice a common theme or narrative,” says Sedef. “This can give you some insight into what aspects the organisation may be lacking in.”

Some red flags to watch out for when looking at company reviews include poor work-life balance, understaffing, and poor leadership, as well as other indications of toxic work culture such as discrimination, bullying, and low morale. These points can all indicate that a company lacks an effective wellbeing strategy.

2. There is a quick turnaround of employees

“If you notice that several employees are leaving and resigning all at once, this could be an indication that the organisation hasn’t carried out certain actions that they had originally advertised to potential candidates,” says Sedef.

If you are already working at the company, this is something that you will see first-hand. But if

wellbeing

Sedef Salim is an integrative psychotherapist offering counselling and hypnotherapy. Find out more on the Counselling Directory.

4. The culture feels toxic

you’re looking into a prospective company, you may be able to pick up on this on a site like Glassdoor, or you can ask about average employee turnover in interviews.

3. They don’t deliver on their promises

Companies like to talk about the benefits they can offer, but a key marker of organisations that are guilty of wellbeing washing, is their failure to back those benefits up.

“A company may be good at advertising all the benefits that come with the job, such as their value for their employees and awareness of employee wellbeing,” says Sedef. “But if your annual leave requests get denied and you find yourself doing overtime, then a wellness walk or a dedicated meditation room just doesn’t cut it, and brushes over bigger issues.”

How we feel at work can have a huge impact on our mental wellbeing. One study from the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health showed that employees in a highly competitive environment tended to struggle with their mental health more than others.

“Toxic work culture can make us feel like we have to edit ourselves,” says Sedef. “Perhaps we notice some employees getting more leeway than others, or we pick up on a sense of favouritism happening in the workplace. All of this can create feelings of stress around how safe our position is.”

Finding a workplace environment that places a high value on employee wellbeing isn’t always easy, but it’s important that we demand more of companies, and ask them how they deliver on their wellbeing initiatives.

“Employers need to open up an honest dialogue with their employees about the type of support they’re looking for,” adds Sedef. “This will communicate to employees that their voices are being heard.” happiful.com | Issue 77 | 49

Happiful recommends

From a colourful walking challenge to a selfless fundraising idea, try something new that’s guaranteed to boost your wellbeing Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

3

Birthday fundraising Make your birthday extra special this year by giving back to a charity close to your heart. Simply set up a Facebook fundraising or a JustGiving page, and ask family and friends to donate the money they would have usually spent on you towards supporting a good cause instead.

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PAGE-TURNERS A Year of Watercolour: A Seasonal Guide to Botanical Watercolour Painting by Harriet de Winton Looking to brush up on your painting skills? Explore the world of watercolour as awardwinning artist and tutor Harriet Winton guides you on how to create stunning masterpieces of botanical art that capture the beauty of each season.

(Ilex Press, out 31 August)

2

ACT OF KINDNESS

4

LEND US YOUR EARS

‘Something Rhymes with Purple’ A podcast about vocabulary might initially take you back to the classroom, but if you’re looking to learn something new, it’s definitely one to try. Endearing duo Susie Dent and Gyles Brandreth invite you to share their love for vocabulary, as they explore the hidden origins of language and dive into a new word each week. (Available on all podcast platforms)

OUT AND ABOUT

Rainbow walk Put your phone away, slow down, and add some colour to your outdoor adventures with a rainbow walk. Embark on a journey of exploration and scour your environment for objects or plants that match each colour of the rainbow, documenting it as you go, either through photography, sketching, or writing.

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5

PLUGGED-IN

Ocean therapy Let yourself be transported to a place of serenity with a series of ocean-themed videos, and watch as the waves gently lap against the shore. Sit back and let the meditative power of the sea wash all over you, even if you are miles away from the coast. (Follow @ocean_therapy on TikTok)

culture

6

LESSON LEARNED

Become a Heimlich hero Are you familiar with the essential steps to identify and effectively handle a choking emergency? In just as little as 15 minutes, you can equip yourself with the skills required to confidently step up in crisis situations and potentially save someone’s life with the Heimlich manoeuvre.

(Visit heimlichheroes.com for their guidance)

9

SQUARE EYES

7

TECH TIP-OFFS

Google Lens Google Lens is the perfect solution for when you see something that catches your eye, but can’t find the words to search for it. Whether you’ve seen a flower that you want to identify or a piece of furniture that you want the details of, simply snap a picture and let Google handle the rest.

(Available on all platforms)

8

GET GOING

Cycling We get it, working out can sometimes feel like a drag, but with cycling, you can get your heart pumping and your muscles moving without feeling like you’re grinding away. With low impact on your joints, and endless scenic routes to explore, cycling is the perfect outdoor exercise for all fitness levels, so saddle up!

Spy in the Ocean As a highly anticipated sequel to the 2017 docuseries Spy in the Wild, this immersive documentary has returned to dive into the magnificent realms of the ocean. Cleverly disguised as marine life, the animatronic cameras provide an extraordinary insight into the awe-inspiring world of the ocean’s most magnificent creatures.

(Watch on BBC iPlayer)

10

TREAT YOURSELF

Bloom in Soap’s Ginger Lily & Ylang-Ylang Aromatherapy Candle Unleash the power of aromatherapy and embrace the beauty of nature with Bloom in Soap’s candle. Not only does it fill your space with the delicate floral allure of ginger lily and ylang-ylang, but it also comes with a plantable label that lets you grow your very own wildflowers to cultivate a blooming personal sanctuary. (£13 at bloominsoap.co.uk)

WIN A BLOOM IN SOAP AROMATHERAPY CANDLE For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com Which scent is commonly used in candles to promote relaxation and reduce stress? a) Peppermint b) Lavender c) Lemon *Competition closes 31 September 2023.

UK mainland and Northern Ireland only.

T&Cs apply. Good luck! happiful.com | Issue 77 | 51

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity AMELIA EARHART Photograph | Mahdi Bafande

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6 ways grief can affect our bodies Going through a bereavement can put your body through a lot, both emotionally and physically.

Here are six ways you may be able to spot it Writing | Vanessa May

I

f you’ve ever experienced a loss, especially if it was a significant one, you may have been surprised by how grief affects your whole being. We know grief can be tough emotionally, but there is generally less awareness about how it can affect us physically.

As a nutritional therapist and wellbeing coach with personal experience of traumatic loss, I now also work as a holistic grief coach and certified grief

educator, witnessing first-hand how grief affects us on a physical level. From a holistic viewpoint, I observe how our emotions are sometimes expressed through our bodies. Nowhere can this be seen more clearly than in grief and trauma. Here’s what it may look like.

Digestive issues

The passing of a loved one can be very stressful, and the body may reflect this through the

digestive system. For some, their digestive system might already be reactive to stress in ‘normal’ times. Grief is an extreme stressor, and if you are already sensitive to disturbances, these symptoms can become even more problematic. Digestive symptoms experienced during the grieving process may include nausea, constipation, diarrhoea, bloating, and acid reflux. These physical symptoms can feel overwhelming on >>> happiful.com | Issue 77 | 53

top of the full-on emotional pain of loss. However, they’re usually transitory. If symptoms persist, please seek help from a professional.

Sleep

After a loss, sleep may prove elusive. Not being able to sleep when you’re grieving can feel like torture. You can go to dark places when the rest of the world is asleep, not to mention getting unpleasant adrenaline rushes when you wake suddenly during the night.

Sleep is when the body repairs itself, and when we process what’s happened on an emotional level, but if we’re stuck in fight or flight mode after our loss, we may need to take measures to regulate our over-triggered nervous system. Supplements or herbs may help, as can breathing techniques. One of the simplest tips to try is to count slowly back from 100, repeating until you fall asleep. You could also try the 4–7–8 technique (breathe in for a count of four, hold for a count of seven, and breathe out slowly through the mouth for eight). It is thought that the lengthening of the exhale helps to soothe an agitated nervous system, and that this simple action can halt the flood of stress hormones that can trigger an escalation of anxiety.

Anxiety

Experiencing loss, especially if it was in any way traumatic, can mean that the world now feels unsafe, leading to a state of anxiety. This may affect the body in several ways. There 54 | Issue 77 | happiful.com

may be a feeling of being on ‘high alert’, and subsequently an inability to relax or sleep properly. Other symptoms of anxiety in grief might include a racing heart, a tight chest with shallow breathing, feeling shaky, lightheaded, or faint.

A traumatised brain is on high alert and works much harder than a nontraumatised brain Brain fog or ‘grief brain’

Alongside fatigue, this is a very prevalent symptom among my clients. Grief can result in memory loss, confusion, not being able to pay attention, and brain fog – or ‘grief brain’.

This has the potential to affect someone both physically and mentally, and can be quite frightening if you haven’t anticipated it playing such a major factor in the grieving process.

This type of brain fog is not only due to insomnia; both trauma and grief can interfere with our ability to think clearly.

The body gets flooded with cortisol, which can lead to feelings of confusion, fogginess, and a lack of concentration.

Author Megan Devine suggests that you imagine you have 100 units of brain power for each day. Then, imagine that around 99 of these units have now been

taken up by grief, trauma, and sadness. It leaves just one unit for normal daily activities. A traumatised brain is on high alert, and works much harder than a non-traumatised brain to keep up with everyday situations – and that’s exhausting. ‘Grief brain’ usually begins to improve once the initial shock of the loss has passed.

Dehydration

Most of us are aware of how important it is to drink plenty of water, but this is especially true during grief, as it’s thought that you can become dehydrated from crying when the grief is especially intense. It’s possible, too, that the physiological effects of grief could result in dehydration. Extreme stress can cause dehydration, and dehydration can cause an excessive release of cortisol. It can potentially exacerbate brain fog, anxiety, and depression.

Under a microscope, tears of grief are shown to have a different chemical makeup than other kinds of tears. It’s thought that emotional tears contain stress hormones, which the body releases in the process of crying.

While it’s important to drink enough water when grieving, it’s equally important to remember that tears are healing, and so should never be suppressed.

Weight fluctuations

It’s quite usual with shock and trauma for there to be a loss of appetite, and consequently weight loss, which is sometimes quite rapid. This should start

wellbeing

Vanessa May is a nutritional therapist and wellbeing coach. Connect with her on the Nutritionist Resource.

to balance out in a few weeks.

However, it’s possible for an eating disorder to become retriggered by grief.

Grief is a time when people feel they have no control over what’s happened to them, and although it’s a complex issue, control can play a part in some eating disorders. Grief therefore can unfortunately provide conditions for a worsening, or resurgence, of this. It goes without saying that you must consult your GP or an eating disorder specialist if you feel you need support.

Weight gain through comfort eating is also common, usually developing a few weeks or months after the loss. From a physiological perspective, an increase in cortisol caused by stress can contribute to cravings. Most weight issues experienced under these circumstances stem from the pain of grief, and may right themselves as you process your new situation.

How can we manage griefrelated physical issues?

It’s vital to find ways to release our grief through talking,

crying, exercise, walking, yoga, creativity, journaling, or getting out in nature. A good diet, with a focus on keeping blood sugar balanced, plus specific supplements for nervous system regulation, digestive function, and brain support, can also help.

We can’t do anything to change what has happened to us, but we can take measures to try to minimise some of the physical damage. There’s no getting around the fact that the physical symptoms of grief can be a lot to deal with on top of our emotional pain. But taking proactive steps to support our health can make life a little more bearable, helping to ease our path through grief. happiful.com | Issue 77 | 55

Putting it on the table It’s a tabletop game that throws players into the heart of fantastical conflicts, but when it comes to Warhammer, there’s often another level to the hobby. So, how exactly can tabletop games support our mental health, and what is it that makes this community a pocket of support?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

I

f you know your Aeldari from your Drukhari, your Loyalists from your Heretics, then you’re probably already familiar with the immersive, tabletop world that is Warhammer. Played with miniature figures, which are lovingly built and painted by players, the games navigate the lore of a highly developed mythos, using dice to determine gameplay outcomes, leading to victory or defeat.

In small local shops, and in huge tournaments hundreds of players strong, games unfold on the table.

But beyond these stories, there’s something deeper going on in this community. A sense of identity, unity, and shared passion lays the foundation for a different kind of victory – one against isolation and exclusion. Something that counsellor (and avid Warhammer player) Tom Bulpit identifies with closely.

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Tom’s Warhammer story begins aged six or seven, retreating to the attic with his dad to play historical tabletop war games.

“My dad was my best friend growing up,” he says. “My mum was sick, and things at home weren’t great, so the adventure world we created in our attic was the best escape I had, and a chance to just be a kid.

That got harder to do after my parents divorced, and I struggled to make friends as I moved between different homes and schools. I managed to find a group of similar geeky guys through after-school clubs, and that’s when I was first introduced to Warhammer, starting with the Lord of the Rings: Battle for Middle Earth game.

“Fast forward to Covid-19. We were in full lockdown and my mum, whom by then I hadn’t

seen for 10 years, died very suddenly. I fell into a very dark depression, ironically mid-way through my counselling training.

I knew that I needed to protect my mental health and find something that would allow me to process the isolation and grief.”

So Tom returned to the hobby that had first brought him that sense of escape all those years ago. He bought a new army to build and paint from scratch.

He inhaled the accompanying novels, and got familiar with the extensive set of rules again.

“Getting back into Warhammer 40k gave me the outlet I needed to process, opened up new friendships, and has provided so many opportunities since then.

It’s probably not an exaggeration to say Warhammer might have saved my life.”

a safe place

To learn more about Mental Hammer, head to mentalhammer.com or follow @mental.hammer on Instagram.

Tom (right) with Flynn at the Comic Cafe, Cowes

Katie Foad is a presenter with TableTop Tactics, which produces Warhammer shows on its various online platforms, racking up more than 37 million views on its YouTube channel alone. Katie’s entry into the hobby first began around 10 years ago and, like Tom, she can pinpoint the way it has helped her navigate a way through challenging times.

“My mental health has been something that I have struggled with as long as I can remember,” Katie explains. “On bad days, my heart feels like it’s beating so fast it’ll explode, I feel sick to my stomach and struggle to eat anything, I can cry at a moment’s notice. I do suffer from panic attacks, when it’s especially bad.”

Katie says that she got into Warhammer at a point when her anxiety was at its worst.

But painting miniatures

did something really important for her mind: it forced her to focus, leaving less room for anxious thoughts.

“It really became a safe haven for me, being able to put all of my energy into creating this tiny thing, that I could be proud of.

And the more I got into it, the more comfortable I felt looking into the community.”

It was during lockdown that Katie first began sharing her hobby on Instagram, building up her following to sit at more than 60,000 today. And, in it, she discovered a whole new layer of support.

“It all snowballed very quickly, I wasn’t just welcomed into the community with opened arms, it was more like being wrapped in the most comforting bear hug

It’s probably not an exaggeration to say Warhammer might have saved my life you could imagine,” Katie says.

“Through the encouragement and kindness, my confidence grew. I see myself now, as almost unrecognisable compared to where I was before I started this journey. The impact of both my hobby, and the Warhammer community, has been immeasurable.”

When considering what it may be that makes this particular community so supportive, Katie >>> happiful.com | Issue 77 | 57

Tom Bulpit is a person-centred counsellor and psychotherapist. Find out more on the Counselling Directory.

Katie Foad

It was like being wrapped in the most comforting bear hug you could imagine says she believes there are many hobbyists with a similar story to hers, which creates a culture of empathy. In a TableTop Tactics YouTube video, uploaded on World Mental Health Day 2021, Katie and her co-worker Joe Pointing spoke about many of these topics, opening up about their own experiences and the way the hobby has supported each of them.

“It kind of blew up way more than we expected it to,” Katie says. “Both of us, and the main Tabletop Tactics account, were flooded with messages over the next few days. People reached out to say how much it meant to them 58 | Issue 77 | happiful.com

seeing that they weren’t alone, and shared their experiences. I think that was when I realised just how incredible the Warhammer community is, as a whole.”

The comments section of that YouTube video is full of others sharing their own mental health stories, as well as the ways that Warhammer has supported them.

With all that in mind, Tom’s latest venture makes a lot of sense.

“I know I’m not alone in my story, and that’s why I’ve founded Mental Hammer,” he explains.

“It’s a mental health platform that fuses together the two best parts of me; the desire to create with

the desire to help. Mental Hammer aims to be an online platform that encourages discussion and openness around mental health issues, specifically within the tabletop and geek community.

“Those of us who are attracted to geek culture often feel like outcasts and wallflowers, and struggle to fit in. These are the kinds of people Mental Hammer wants to reach.

We create content, mostly written articles, that share our stories and talk about mental health. We’re here to have a conversation, to share, to discuss, and to break down stigma. If we remind each other that we’re not alone out there, we’re fulfilling our mission. If we encourage someone to take the first step towards getting professional help, we’re changing lives.”

Online and IRL, in independent shops, local gatherings, afterschool clubs, garages, and on dining tables, for those who want to connect with like-minded people (and for those who want to score coveted critical hits), Warhammer offers a space. And, with the escapism, the focus, the solidarity, and the fun, it only makes sense that people like Tom and Katie are putting the mental health conversation on the table.

Let’s go a little deeper…

Take your conversations to the next level, with these 10 prompts

What skills do you think are most valuable in a person?

What’s a lesson you learnt the hard way?

As a child, what were you afraid of?

Can you describe a time you felt awestruck?

Which family member has had the greatest impact on your life?

What place holds the most sentimental value for you?

What did you want to be when you grew up?

What is the soundtrack to your teenage years?

How much do you know about your family history?

Do you have any stories to share?

What achievement are you most proud of?

happiful.com | Issue 77 | 59

Managing eco-anxiety when things heat up

Heatwaves and high temperatures can bring feelings of eco-anxiety to the forefront. So what can we do to try to manage it?

Writing | Caroline Butterwick

E

xtreme weather events are happening more often around the globe, so it’s understandable that things like summer heatwaves can be a trigger for intense worries about the climate. They also present more immediate problems, from hosepipe bans to devastating wildfires, and health dangers like heat stroke, creating the perfect storm of ‘eco-anxiety’ – feeling distressed by climate change, and fearful of the future.

Here, we look at why it’s common to experience eco-

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anxiety in a heatwave, and how to cope with these difficult feelings.

Why are heatwaves triggering for eco-anxiety?

“Our concerns about the environment can often feel somewhat removed – that it’s something that’s happening in the future, or elsewhere. But an extreme weather event can be a stark illustration of how the climate is changing for us all,” explains Jennifer Deacon, a counsellor with an interest in eco-anxiety.

“It’s one thing to see media coverage of floods or recordbreaking temperatures on the other side of the world, but when we’re suddenly faced with living through it ourselves, it can bring home, quite literally, our fears and concerns for the future. We start to see the implications of, for example, water restrictions or disruption to our daily lives.

And, of course, our anxiety can be compounded by discussion, whether that’s with friends or media coverage, sometimes feeling like there’s no escape.”

wellbeing

Common emotions If a heatwave or other extreme weather event is causing you stress, it’s important to remember you’re not alone, and this is a normal response.

“Our feelings can be pretty complex, but alongside anxiety, it can be common to feel guilt about our part in what is happening around us, for not doing more,” Jennifer says. “We might feel frustrated with those who don’t seem to share our concerns, alongside a sense of helplessness about what we can do to stop this.”

This, Jennifer explains, can combine with the difficult practicalities of a heatwave, such as managing to sleep in stifling heat, or how hard it can be to get on with daily tasks in high temperatures, and making sure those around you are doing OK. “These emotions can come together in a form of mourning – grief for our climate and the planet – and it can feel overwhelming,” Jennifer says.

Coping with these emotions “Many people have strong feelings of helplessness and hopelessness about the climate and our future, but there is really good news out there,” Jennifer says. “By searching out positive climate news about the amazing things that scientists, politicians, activists, and others are achieving around the world, it can remind us that there is still hope, and that it’s not down to any one individual to change this.”

Jennifer also emphasises the importance of finding small steps

you can take to help. Could you cut down your car use, or try to eat more locally-produced food to save on air miles?

“Be vocal about what you’re doing, search out local climaterelated groups or allied causes (such as carbon reduction groups, your local zero waste store, or wildlife trusts) and share their posts on social media to amplify their voices and build a sense of community,” Jennifer says.

Many people have strong feelings of helplessness, but there is really good news out there “Consider whether there are ways you can volunteer your skills to groups to help them tackle the problems. Just knowing you’re not alone – there are others feeling similarly and taking action – and connecting with those communities, can create a place to share your fears, and get ideas for ways you can help to tackle this,” adds Jennifer.

“Taking action can remind us that we do have power and hope, and are able to play a part. But it’s important to take small steps that are manageable and, of course, to practise self-care.”

Supporting those around you As well as dealing with ecoanxiety yourself, you may find others are struggling with these

feelings, especially at times of extreme weather like a heatwave.

“Talking about this is important, sharing our feelings and allowing others to share theirs,” says Jennifer. “Share small actions you’re taking to encourage those around us to take action, too. But, again, be sure to take breaks, to have boundaries, and that they’re looking after themselves.

“If their feelings, or your own, are becoming overwhelming then reach out to professionals – in particular those with experience of working with eco-anxiety or climate grief, and those who are members of the Climate Psychology Alliance.”

During a heatwave, it’s also important to think about what can help you and those around you cope in the moment. This could include looking at ways to keep cool, and doing your bit to check in on others, especially older relatives or neighbours who may be struggling in the heat.

Heatwaves and extreme weather are stressful to deal with, and there’s no easy answer to coping with eco-anxiety. But there are small steps you can take to ease these difficult emotions, helping you and those around you cope with a challenging time.

Jennifer Deacon is a counsellor with a special interest in eco-anxiety. Contact her via the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 77 | 61

“I want people to fall in love with themselves and to be really proud and full of joy for the space they take up JONATHAN VAN NESS Photograph | Jakayla Toney

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How to cope with childbirth trauma triggers The joy of having a baby can sometimes be tainted by complications, pain, and alarming surgical interventions. What can new mothers do to help deal with terrifying flashbacks?

Writing | Lydia Smith

I

t’s a quiet evening and my baby is in bed, safe and sound. I’m watching TV and an advert for a medical documentary flashes on screen.

The effect is almost immediate – my stomach drops like a lead weight, and my chest tightens.

Although I’m on the sofa in my lounge, mentally I’m back in hospital, surrounded by the bright lights of the surgical theatre, heart monitors, and the panicked faces of medical staff.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a complex anxiety disorder caused by frightening, stressful events. It was recognised

as a major problem during the First World War, when soldiers would experience ‘shell shock’ after witnessing the horrors of battle. PTSD is still associated with men and war – and it wasn’t until 1994 that trauma as a consequence of birth was medically acknowledged by the American Psychiatric Association.

However, birth trauma is common. One study in Birth: Issues in Perinatal Care found 45% of women experience a traumatic birth, defined as involving complications, pain, and medical interventions. Up to 6% develop

PTSD, although this is likely a conservative figure, as many new mothers find talking about it too triggering. The symptoms are debilitating, ranging from vivid, involuntary flashbacks to panic attacks and nightmares.

Alison Bruce, a psychotherapist and spokesperson for the Association of Child Psychotherapists, says women with trauma may feel fear, and suffer overwhelming memories and thoughts about the birth, which occur without warning.

For months after my son’s birth, ordinary situations were enough to trigger traumatic >>> happiful.com | Issue 77 | 63

flashbacks. Finding the yellow sleepsuit my son was wearing when he was taken to intensive care. Taking him to the doctor for his routine vaccinations.

Although his first birthday party was a joyful celebration with friends and family, I couldn’t help thinking about the previous year’s events – a 70-hour labour, and an emergency caesarean section.

“Every birth is at some level a trauma, but especially when there are medical complications,” says Alison Bruce. “Often, the birthing experience can be scary or disappointing, necessitating, at best, stitches, and at worst emergency C-sections. The pain the mother may endure can be terrifying.”

Birth trauma triggers can be deeply distressing. Sudden, upsetting flashbacks and emotions – over which someone has no control – can lead to anxiety and depression. PTSD can also cause sleeping problems and behavioural changes, particularly if the mother tries to avoid situations that trigger painful memories.

Trauma can also affect how a new mother bonds with their baby, which can lead to feelings of guilt. Some may experience ‘hyperarousal’ symptoms, which include feeling angry, irritable, or jumpy. Additionally, these problems can occur at a time when everyone expects new mothers to be happy, which can be deeply isolating, and lead to low self-esteem.

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However, there are steps you can take to cope with birth trauma and triggers.

able to get support, because of a lack of funding and local investment in perinatal mental health care, which means that Seek professional support many pregnant women and new When we experience a traumatic parents are unable to get the help event, the way we form memories they need. becomes disrupted as the brain tries However, if you’re struggling to protect itself. However, this can psychologically during pregnancy make it difficult for us to process or after childbirth, you should what has happened. Therapy can speak to your midwife, health help people work through these visitor, or doctor. “Communicating difficult events in a safe space. how one is feeling is absolutely key in the postpartum With the support of a therapist, period,” says Alison.

I gradually recalled my birth “Contacting the experience and talked through maternity support staff and the my emotions. Although the perinatal teams is trauma hasn’t fully disappeared, an important step to accessing support.” it is far less intense With the support of a therapist, I gradually recalled my birth experience, and talked through my emotions.

Although the trauma hasn’t fully disappeared, it is far less intense. My therapist likened the process to clearing out a towel cupboard. If you throw them in haphazardly, they’ll likely fall out when you’re not expecting it and cause havoc.

This is less likely if you take one out at a time and fold it neatly before putting it back.

I was lucky enough to be supported by my local NHS perinatal mental health team.

Sadly, too few women are able to access these essential services. Often, it is a postcode lottery whether someone is

Try grounding techniques

During flashbacks, I used grounding techniques to bring me back to reality. Out loud, I would list five things I could see, then name four I could touch, three I could hear, two I could smell, and one I could taste.

Although these techniques don’t ‘heal’ trauma, they can provide a calming distraction.

Breathing techniques can also help. When we are frightened, we tend to breathe faster.

This increases feelings of fear and panic, so it can help to concentrate on breathing slowly in and out, while counting to five.

Carry a special object

Some may find it helpful to touch or look at a particular object

food & health

when they’re feeling triggered.

This might be a photo, a piece of jewellery, or another item that brings their focus back to their immediate surroundings.

Speak to loved ones

If you’re struggling with your mental health after childbirth, you’re not alone. Speaking to friends or family about how you feel can help you work through difficult emotions and reduce loneliness.

“Expressing how you’re feeling and accessing community support is of paramount importance,” says Alison. “Local baby groups can be key in mitigating the intense feelings of isolation that can occur.”

And remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel. New parenthood comes with pressure to be joyful, but this isn’t realistic.

With the right support, though, things will get better. happiful.com | Issue 77 | 65

What it really means to

eat the rainbow

We’ve all heard of ‘rainbow foods’, but where does this concept come from, and how can it help our health and wellbeing? Jenna Farmer asks the experts to uncover why a multi-coloured diet may actually be the key to our wellbeing

A

sk any nutritional expert their tips to eat better, and the phrase ‘eat a rainbow’ will often come top of the list. Turns out there’s a reason why eating your red, blue, green, yellow, orange, and purple foods is a great idea – and no, we’re not talking about grabbing some Skittles on your way to work.

By eating a rainbow, you are getting a variety of colour in your diet, thus giving your body a spectrum of vitamins, minerals, and phytochemicals to benefit your health Instead, we want to shout about the naturally occurring pigments in fruit and vegetables that make them nutrient-packed. Eating a range of vegetables with different colour pigments (such as red peppers and orange carrots) has 66 | Issue 77 | happiful.com

been associated with a variety of positive health outcomes – with a 2022 study in the journal Molecules reporting it can impact inflammation levels, as well as lowering the risk of cardiovascular disease, and even cancer. While all fruit and vegetable intake was found to be good for you, the study found that there were unique benefits in the bioactive pigments we find in rainbow foods.

“By eating a rainbow, you are getting a variety of colour

in your diet, thus giving your body a spectrum of vitamins, minerals, and phytochemicals to benefit your health,” says nutritional therapist Sonal Jenkins.

“Phytochemicals are bioactive compounds naturally present in plant-based foods, which have antioxidant properties, lower inflammation in the body, and protect cells from getting diseases.”

Let’s take a look at the rainbow of fruits and vegetables, and what makes them so special.

The colour: red Find it in: red peppers, beetroots, tomatoes, strawberries, and red cabbage.

What’s the benefit? From adding tomatoes to your salad, to strawberries in your morning porridge, red fruits and vegetables are packed with health benefits. “These contain heart-friendly nutrients, supporting circulation, and also anti-inflammatory benefits that may help arthritis-type conditions,” says Sonal Jenkins.

Tomatoes are also rich in lycopene, which has been shown to reduce the risk of chronic conditions, while beetroots contain the pigment betalain, which, as found in a 2021 study published in Food Science & Nutrition, has been shown to eliminate oxidative stress in the body.

food & health

The colours: blue and purple Find them in: blueberries, aubergines, plums, and grapes.

What’s the benefit? What many blue and purple fruits and veggies have in common is that they contain anthocyanins, a pretty special antioxidant that gives them their unique colour, and comes with tons of health benefits. For example, studies in recent years, such as one in Redox Biology, have found they help reduce inflammation, and another in the European Journal of Clinical Nutrition reported they reduce your diabetes risk.

“These foods contain vitamin C and other vitamins and minerals that are anti-inflammatory, improve brain function, and keep the cardiovascular system healthy,” Sonal adds.

The colour: green

The colour: yellow

Find it in: broccoli, lettuce, kale, spinach, and green beans.

Find it in: bananas, yellow peppers, mangos, and lemons.

What’s the benefit? Many of these are rich in a pigment called chlorophyll (especially dark leafy greens), which is also a powerful antioxidant.

“Green fruit and vegetables mainly contain: folate, iron, vitamin C, magnesium, fibre, and lutein,” says Sonal. But they can help all different parts of our body too. “They’re great for the red blood cells, gut, liver health, eyesight and immunity,” she adds.

What’s the benefit? “Yellow foods contain vitamins, minerals, and the phytochemical family of carotenoids like beta-carotene, which protects against certain cancers and keeps vision, hair and skin healthy. They also help your immune system defences,” adds Sonal. Plus, bananas are a great source of potassium, an important mineral which is vital for helping blood pressure management and heart health. >>> happiful.com | Issue 77 | 67

The colour: orange Find it in: oranges, orange peppers, and carrots.

What’s the benefit? Betacarotene is also found in orange fruit and vegetables, too! Ever wondered if it’s true that carrots can make you see in the dark?

Well, it’s all to do with this orange veggie being rich in beta-carotene, which our body then converts into vitamin A, which is pretty vital for eye health. Night blindness is actually a symptom of vitamin A deficiency (which is where the myth comes from); so while we can’t promise tucking into a carrot before bed will help you suddenly see in the dark, they are a great addition to your diet for this reason alone.

The colours: white and brown Find them in: cauliflower, garlic, onions, mushrooms, ginger, and brown seaweed.

The benefits: Yes, we know this isn’t a ‘rainbow’ colour, but nutritionist Sonal Jenkins advises to not neglect this colour of vegetables, too!

“These are good for gut health, promoting healthy bacteria due to the fibres they contain. Mushrooms contain beta gluons, which have immune-boosting properties. Seaweed contains iodine, which is mineral rich and good for the thyroid,” she adds.

It seems that eating a range of coloured fruit and veg can have a real impact on our diet, but what’s the best way to go about it? Don’t worry – you don’t need to rush out and pack your trolley with exotic fruit and vegetables all at once.

“The way to achieve a rainbow diet may be to rotate and select 68 | Issue 77 | happiful.com

different fruits and vegetables weekly. The brightly pigmented fruits and vegetables will naturally have more nutrients.

Instead of going for white potatoes each time, change it up by having sweet potatoes. One week, instead of an apple and banana, go for a plum and some blueberries,” explains Sonal.

Sonal Jenkins is a nutritional therapist, health tutor, and director of Synergy Nutrition. Get in touch via the Nutritionist Resource.

While all fruit and vegetables are a great addition to your diet, with some quick planning and simple food swaps, you too can eat a rainbow and enjoy all the delicious benefits these foods bring.

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist specialising in gut health. She has Crohn’s disease, and blogs at abalancedbelly.co.uk

Take 5

With a focus on visuals this issue, can you solve the following puzzles? It’s time to put your logical thinking to the test

Picture riddles

Think ‘literally’ to uncover these common sayings and expressions Tip: Consider the word placement, direction, and numbers

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68 pages of guided journaling 20+ different activities to explore Delivered free with your first magazine (RRP £5.49)* Delivering on our mission to create a happier, healthier, and more sustainable society. *UK mainland and NI only. Booklet will automatically be added to your basket when selecting a new 6 or 12-month subscription, no code required. While stocks last. Additional charges may apply for postage elsewhere. For orders to the EU please visit happiful.newstand.co.uk. Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com

try this at home

Yoga for when you feel bloated When you’re feeling the bloat, or struggling with trapped gas, it can really throw you off course. But could yoga be the key to finding some relief?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

I

t’s the sensation of your stomach feeling tighter, or more full than usual, often coming with excess gas – and it can be caused by certain foods or, notably, by psychological triggers such as stress and anxiety.

It may cause nausea and can lead to general feelings of discomfort, frustration, and anxiety – which only makes matters worse. All that considered, bloating is enough to put a dampener on anyone’s day.

If bloating is impacting your life on a regular basis, it’s worth going to see your GP to rule out anything serious, or to uncover any potential allergies. For a lot of people, though, bloating is a part of life, with a study published in the journal ISRN Obstetrics and Gynecology finding that between 10% and 25% of

healthy people experience bloating.

Over-the-counter medication, herbal teas like peppermint, and a balanced diet can go a long way to helping, but there is another tool worth having up your sleeve: yoga.

“You might be surprised to discover that you can find natural relief with the centuriesold practice of yoga,” says yoga teacher Donna Noble “Certain poses help to stretch the abdomen and kick-start the digestive system. Yoga aids in relaxing the entire body, including the bowels and intestines, so it can help to release trapped gas.”

Ready to give it a go? Try this yoga routine, exclusively created

by Donna for Happiful readers, to help relieve bloating:

WIND-REMOVING POSE, PAVANAMUKTASANA

• Begin by lying flat on your back with your legs extended out on the floor.

• Pull one knee into your chest, holding your leg around the shin or kneecap. The back of your head should stay flat on the floor. Keep the other leg extended. Hold this position for between five and 10 breaths before switching sides.

• Alternatively, you can pull both knees into your chest so you are curled into a ball. You can gently rock from side to side, raise your chin toward your knees, or alternate bringing your knees to your chest.

CHILD’S POSE, BALASANA

• Start in a tabletop position on your hands and knees. Bring >>> happiful.com | Issue 77 | 71

Between 10% and 25% of healthy people experience bloating

CAT-COW POSE

your big toes together to touch and send your knees out a little wider than your hips.

• Sink your hips back toward your heels, and extend your arms in front of you. Your belly will rest between your thighs. Your forehead can rest on the ground or on a pillow.

• Hold this position for two to three minutes at a time.

• As you inhale, raise your head and tailbone toward the ceiling, gazing up towards the ceiling as you arch your back for cow pose.

• As you exhale, round the head and tailbone down, dropping your gaze to the navel as you round your back with cat pose.

Flow through these two poses as much as you need.

• Your legs can be straight, or you can bend your knees to accommodate your body. Your hands can rest on the floor beside your feet, rest on top of your shins, or grab the opposite elbows, swaying gently from side to side. Stay here for six breaths.

CAT-COW POSE, MARJARYASANA/ BITILASANA

STANDING FORWARD FOLD, UTTANASANA

• Stand with your feet hipdistance apart. Place your hands on your hips and take a deep inhale. As you exhale, hinge forward from your waist so that your torso is draped over your thighs. Allow your head and neck to dangle.

• Seated on the floor, stretch your legs straight out in front of you (or separate the legs to accommodate your body). Then, hinge forward at the waist, reaching toward your feet, keeping your spine as straight as possible.

• Take a few deep breaths once you’ve reached as far as you can,

• Start in a tabletop position on your hands and knees on the floor. Keeping the knees and feet hip-width apart, and arms shoulder-width apart.

72 | Issue 77 | happiful.com

SEATED FORWARD FOLD, PASCHIMOTTANASANA

try this at home

UTTANASANA

Donna Noble is a body positive yoga teacher.

Follow her on Instagram @donnanobleyoga

PASCHIMOTTANASANA

and use your hands to slowly guide your way back into an upright position. Stay here for six breaths.

SPINAL TWIST, SUPTA MATSYENDRASANA

• Lay flat on your back with your legs extended out on the floor.

• Pull your right knee into your chest by wrapping your hands around your shin or kneecap.

Keep the left leg extended long.

• Use your left hand to draw your right knee across your body to the left. Your knee may touch the floor (or it may hover – if so, you can place it on a block).

• Extend your right arm out to the side and turn your head to look over your right hand.

Your left hand can stay on the bent knee or you can extend that arm out to the left side.

Try to keep the right shoulder connecting to the floor.

• Hold this pose for 10 breaths.

Roll gently on to your back and repeat on the other side.

HAPPY BABY, ANANDA BALASANA

• Lie flat on your back with your knees bent and feet on the floor. Pull both knees up toward your chest and press your feet toward the ceiling. Your knees will be bent.

• Grab on to your shins, ankles, or feet (depending on what feels accessible for you). Gently pull your knees closer toward the

Certain poses help to stretch the abdomen and kick-start the digestive system armpits as your feet stay flexed up toward the ceiling and your legs move gently apart.

• Keep head and neck pressed into the ground. If it feels good, you can rock from side to side four times.

Run through the whole sequence, or pick and choose which poses work for you.

Whichever route you take, it’s time to beat that bloat. happiful.com | Issue 77 | 73

How to make imposter syndrome work for you Overcoming imposter syndrome completely is a mammoth task. So, is it possible to learn to live alongside it productively?

Writing | Jo Dunbar

I

t can give us crippling self-doubt, sleepless nights, and anxiety at work.

But, given that many of us live with imposter syndrome – three in five workers, according to job search site Indeed – is it time to work out how we can live with it, rather than expecting rapid change? Should we learn how to channel imposter syndrome usefully? And can it lead to greater diligence or more success in the workplace? If you accept that your imposter syndrome is part of your professional make-up, perhaps you can reframe it...

74 | Issue XX | happiful.com

positive pointers

So, how do you start? With help from counsellor Jennifer Warwick, we’re exploring three steps.

1. ACKNOWLEDGE AND ACCEPT It’s likely that your current imposter syndrome isn’t the first time you have experienced this feeling. Think back to your school days: did you fret over schoolwork or exams? Did you often expect bad marks?

“It is essential to remember that you’ve done hard things before,” says Jennifer. “Take a step back and look at everything you have accomplished. If imposter syndrome is something you’ve experienced throughout your life, remind yourself of a time you felt like this. Remind yourself how you did it, despite convincing yourself that you couldn’t, that you weren’t good enough, or that you would mess it up.”

According to Jennifer, acknowledging that you won’t be the only person feeling this way can also be helpful. “Remind yourself that imposter syndrome is more common than you might think, and is experienced by many high-achieving individuals,” she says. “Remind yourself not to let this imposter syndrome get in the way, and maybe use it as motivation. Tell yourself that you deserve to be there and are doing a good job, which will help you carry on.”

2. PIVOT THE FOUR ‘P’S The four ‘P’s of imposter syndrome are said to be: perfectionism, paralysis, people-pleasing, and procrastination. Perhaps you

recognise a couple of these traits in yourself, and they cause you to doubt yourself. But maybe these self-perceived ‘weaknesses’ can serve you well.

Often thought to be a fault, perfectionism can actually be rebranded as something useful.

Instead of worrying over tiny details, see it as being thorough.

If it’s procrastination or paralysis you’re experiencing, then lean into it. Instead of berating yourself, tell yourself that you are planning or mulling over your next challenge, and not diving in feet-first. Perhaps this is just the way you approach your work.

People-pleasing can also be reframed. It doesn’t always need to be thought of as a negative quality.

Perhaps you haven’t acknowledged this part of your skillset before.

People-pleasers tend to be good communicators, empathetic, and diplomatic. Yes, you need to remember your own needs too, but in a work setting, wanting everyone to be satisfied is not a bad goal.

As with any personality trait, we do still need to try to ensure that facet of imposter syndrome doesn’t become destructive.

“Be aware and conscious of the potential for burnout,” Jennifer warns. “The best way of doing that is by setting boundaries, perhaps around your time. Think about spending a set amount of time on this particular job rather than doing it until it’s finished to perfection. Adding the time factor to the task at hand puts a nice boundary around it, and you’re less likely to head into burnout territory.”

Jennifer Warwick is a counsellor specialising in relationships and family issues. Find out more by visiting the Counselling Directory.

3. RECORD YOUR WINS If you experience some concerns about your professional performance (and, let’s face it, who doesn’t?) these feelings are valid, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t up to the job.

Jennifer says: “When you find yourself questioning your ability that’s when you can stop and go, ‘OK, hold on a minute, this is how I’m feeling.’ Recognise that you feel like this because this task or job is important to you, and you want to do your best.”

It’s very easy to cling to feelings of negativity, but remembering the positives is vital. “Noticing and recording positive feedback when you receive it helps you remember when you have been successful,” Jennifer recommends. Print out emails or keep a folder for when self-doubt creeps in.

Sometimes in life, we must learn to live alongside the challenges.

Perhaps you never gelled with public speaking, or networking.

You might be expected to carry out both professionally. It’s possible to look at imposter syndrome like this, too. It’s something you have to navigate, but it’s just a part of your day. And, ultimately, it doesn’t have to hold you back from great things. happiful.com | Issue 77 | 75

How to talk to kids about divorce and separation When a couple part ways, it’s never an easy decision, and one made all the more complicated when children are involved. Here, our expert columnist, Kieran Townsend, shares advice on how to approach and navigate breaking the news to kids

T

he end of a relationship can be a difficult and emotionally distressing time for a couple, with added complications when children are involved.

Research into this issue has highlighted the impact separation can have on children, with the University College London’s Institute of Education finding that children whose parents separate while they’re aged between seven and 14 are 16% more likely to experience behavioural issues and emotional problems, such as anxiety and depression. In particular, boys tended to display an increase in ‘bad’ behaviour and disobedience, but overall behaviour changes in kids could include bed wetting, a loss of appetite, sleep issues, and a loss of interest in doing things they usually enjoy.

It is therefore vital that you try to navigate the situation effectively.

While this is always going to be a difficult conversation to have, there are some things that you can do to help it go as smoothly as possible, convey key information, and

76 | Issue 77 | happiful.com

reassure your children about the transition ahead.

Plan what you will say and when you will say it

Ideally, if possible, try to create a plan together of when, how, and what you will tell your kids. While this will be a difficult conversation, having a plan in place will help to reduce some emotion, and ensure you can get the key information across to them.

Trying to create a safe space to have this conversation is important to provide safety and privacy, so where you have the chat can play an important role. Also consider the timing of the conversation, allowing for some space for them to process what’s been discussed, such as over a weekend. You may want to avoid having these conversations on a holiday or other special day, or just before school or bedtime, where possible.

Otherwise, this could lead your kids to think about this every time this occasion or holiday comes around.

Kieran Townsend BA hons NLP MHFA

Kieran is a youth development coach and mentor. Find out more by visiting the Life Coach Directory.

Avoid assigning blame

While this is an emotional time, try to avoid assigning blame and saying who’s at fault for the separation, as this could potentially lead to children feeling stuck in the middle. Ideally, talk to them with both of you present, to let your kids know that you’re committed to working together as their parents, which will help to reassure them.

An added way to emphasise this is through your language.

You can do this by using the word ‘we’ to help demonstrate this partnership. By using this approach, you are focusing on your responsibility as a parent, and not whose fault it is. This is a more productive and proactive frame of reference to move forward.

EXPERT COLUMN start to provide some clarity. For example, which parent may be leaving the family home, and when they will be able to see the children.

Be prepared for their response

There is no ‘typical’ or ‘normal’ response to this, as every child will react differently. So, it’s best not to expect a certain reaction, or try to predict how your child(ren) might respond. They may experience a range of emotions, from sadness to anger. Even no reaction in itself is a response. Once you have broken the news to them, step back and allow them some time to process the news, even if this does involve a period of silence.

Once they have had some time, explain that they can process the news in their own way, in their own time, and at their own pace.

Be honest

Being as open as you can in this conversation is critical! Kids can be intuitive, and so may have an idea that something isn’t quite right, or hasn’t been for a while.

However, this isn’t always the case, and while this would likely have been in the minds of the parents for some time, it may come as a shock for the kids (particularly if they are younger).

Normalising separation and divorce can be useful, explaining that this does happen, and parents can fall out of love, but that this doesn’t change their love for their children.

Moreover, if they have questions, do your best to answer honestly. If you don’t know an answer yet, tell

them that, but reassure them that you will answer when you can.

Don’t make promises which you are not able to deliver on, or are unsure about currently. You can focus on what will stay the same though, which we will cover more in the next point.

Try to maintain a routine

Routine is crucial for children, especially in difficult times.

Before having this conversation, be clear on what will stay the same as a starting point. This reassurance can help to ease some of their initial concerns.

Building from this, start to talk with them about what things will change over the coming days, weeks, and months. This will

Give them time to adjust

Allow time for your kids to process the news in their own way. During this time, monitor how they are behaving in their daily lives. This may involve checking in with their school or after school clubs to get feedback. Having someone neutral, who they can talk to about their thoughts and feelings, can be helpful to help them process their emotions, and build resilience.

This might include a life coach or a therapist.

In time, with care and support, kids should be able to adapt to the new normal of their family dynamic. And, hopefully, some of the ideas I’ve shared will help to provide a framework to make a difficult conversation a little easier. happiful.com | Issue 77 | 77

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Verified professionals* | Search by location | Online therapists *The Happiful family of wellbeing directories are Counselling Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Life Coach Directory, and Therapy Directory. Professionals and organisations 78 | Issue 77 | happiful.com listed are individually verified and approved by our team to meet our policy requirements.

Happiful reads...

Looking to add something inspiring to your bookshelf? From a life-transforming tale to a guide unearthing the secrets of trees, here are four books you won’t want to miss Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

D

id you know that singing can actually help to reduce inflammation?

And that sunbathing can improve your immune system? If you’re someone who is interested in cultivating healthier habits, Dr Michael Mosley’s remarkable book is the perfect starting point for making small changes that have a huge impact on our lives.

Just One Thing: How Simple Changes Can Transform Your Life by Dr Michael Mosley (Out now)

We all long for a lifestyle that enhances our physical and mental health, but with the vast amount of information and confusing jargon out there, it can often leave us feeling overwhelmed

and intimidated. Thankfully, Just One Thing provides surprising and easy actions that fit seamlessly into your daily routine.

How to Read a Tree: Clues & Patterns From Roots to Leaves

by Tristan Gooley Have you ever looked at a tree and wondered about its story? What tales it might tell if only it could speak?

Natural navigator Tristan Gooley has the key to unlocking those secrets, and it all starts with knowing how to read the clues and patterns that are missed by so many.

Therapists Challenging Racism and Oppression: The Unheard Voices

by Neelam Zahid and Rachel Cooke This book is a collection of stories from therapists who courageously share their personal experiences of racism, discrimination, and oppression within the therapeutic field. On a mission to address racial discrimination, they provide some invaluable pointers for embracing anti-oppressive practices.

Must reads Platonic: How Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help You Make and Keep Friends

by Marisa G Franco You may have already come across the concept of attachment styles in romantic relationships, but what can our attachment styles do for our friendships? In this book, psychologist Marisa Franco breaks down what we need to know.

happiful.com | Issue 77 | 79

Finnishing school Finland consistently nabs the top spot for happiest country worldwide, but what precisely is it about this culture that makes it so optimal for our health and happiness?

Lucy Pearson travelled to Finnish Lakeland to learn the secrets promising to boost her wellbeing

W

hen, earlier this year, Finland was voted the happiest country in the world for the sixth consecutive year, my interest was piqued.

One of just four countries to have held the top spot – the others being Denmark, Switzerland, and Norway – Nordic countries have long been voted as the cheeriest in the world. But what exactly are they doing right? And what can we Brits learn from them?

Shortly after being crowned the world’s happiest country, I was invited to visit Finland for a fourday bootcamp designed to teach me the way of the Finns. When I told my friends and family that I’d soon be en route to Helsinki for a masterclass in all things happiness, they all voiced their surprise. Easily pleased, positive to a fault, and more often cheery than not, I suppose I wasn’t the most obvious choice for a fourday trip designed to teach me why Finnish people are consistently rated the happiest in the world.

But, ever the optimist, I gladly accepted the spot and spent longer than I should probably

80 | Issue 77 | happiful.com

admit poring over photos of where I’d be staying.

The World’s Happiest Country report is based on an evaluation called the Cantril Ladder – a method that essentially assesses where a country’s population would put themselves on a scale of self-satisfaction. To measure happiness, the researchers evaluated approximately 1,000 individuals in each country by asking: “Please imagine a ladder, with the steps numbered 0 to 10.

The top of the ladder represents the best possible life for you, and the bottom of the ladder represents the worst possible life for you. On which step of the ladder would you say you personally feel you stand at this time?” The report takes into account several factors that could correlate with the variations in the average happiness of each country’s population, using six key variables to measure happiness differences, including life expectancy, social support, and freedom.

Interestingly enough, despite purportedly being the world’s

happiest country, the Finns have just a couple of words for happiness, compared to our 60ish words that include the likes of bliss, ecstasy, joy, and delight.

They have onnellinen, the direct translation of which is happy, and iloinen, which roughly translates as joyful or glad, but it refers to a shorter and smaller feeling ( you might be iloinen that you just had a great first date or that you’re heading off on holiday soon).

Onnellinen, on the other hand, is much more profound, and speaks to the notion of being content with your lot.

And so, to Helsinki I flew in search of Finnish onnellinen.

During the masterclass, I stayed at Kuru Resort – a sprawling, adults-only hangout nestled on the lip of Lake Saimaa – a three-and-a-half-hour drive from Helsinki. Located in Rantasalmi, in the Southern Savonia region of Finland, Kuru is all about taking it slow. Each villa has its own sauna, overlooking a fragrant pine forest; and the smells, the music, and the materials have all been designed to appeal to

onnellinen

the senses and help guests relax.

The healing powers of the great outdoors are everywhere: and it’s the type of place where luxury and nature meet. But, as one might correctly point out, how could anyone not be happy here?

Beyond the walls of my bougie villa, I set out to find out.

Over the next four days, I saunaed to my heart’s content, swam in the biting blue waters of the lake, ate some of the best food I’ve ever had, and spoke to several Finns for their take on their six-year winning-streak.

Suffice it to say, the Finns have got a lot of life right. For a start, their love for spending time with mother nature. A pastime that I think we should all get behind with the same sort of gusto as the Finns. While they’re spoilt for choice with an abundance of national parks, rivers, and a coastline that spans almost 20-thousand miles, us Brits don’t fare too badly and have roughly the same amount of coastline, when including our islands. During a trip to a nearby forest, our guide, Mikaela >>>

Finns have just a couple of words for happiness, compared to our 60-ish words

iloinen Creutz – a nature lover, hiker, and photographer who resides in North-eastern Finland – spoke of her love for spending time hiking, the courage it gave her, and the rewards we can all reap from it, from improving your mood to bettering your physical health and reducing levels of stress and anger. And one of the best things about it? It doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive, and the benefits are tenfold. Just 15 minutes can lower your blood pressure and improve both your physical and mental health. But, I asked, what if you don’t have access to this sort of nature?

Mikaela, however, maintained 82 | Issue 77 | happiful.com

that even just getting out for a morning walk to grab a coffee can have the same effect. But as I stood on the deserted stretch of island, inhaling the woody scent of fire after a cup of campfire coffee, flanked by trees and the still waters of the lake, I wasn’t entirely sure I would feel this serene on a morning walk to GAIL’s.

As well as their inclination for spending time in nature, the Finns also take their saunas seriously – and with a whopping 3 million saunas in a country where just 5.5 million people reside, it doesn’t take a genius to work out that they have roughly one sauna to every two people. It’s estimated that 99%

of Finns take at least one sauna a week – and the health benefits include improved levels of sleep, reduced stress, and a higher metabolism. And while saunas have by no means made it into the mainstream here in the UK, they are more readily available than they were a few years ago.

But saunas and hiking aside, Timo Auvinen – who leads guided walks in Finland – had some sage advice for anyone wanting to cultivate more happiness: lower your expectations. He said that the Finnish secret to happiness is not to go searching for it, and instead to find peace in a more neutral state of contentment, a sentiment found in the Finnish proverb, ‘Onni ei tule etsien vaan eläen’: happiness doesn’t come by searching, only by living.

Where to find help Looking for support with your mental health?

Here are some places that can help: CRISIS SUPPORT

SKIP THE SMALL TALK 10 questions for deeper conversations

YOU

DO

YOU

RECLAIM YOUR CONFIDENCE

your most card could be Why a library eing investment yet valuable wellb

It's time

ling in Could schedu a hack ‘worry time’ be ? you’re missing

SLEEP EASY Grow your own air-purifying sleep aids

Money matters

How to take care l of your financia health when you have ADHD

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INFORMATION ON ADHD To learn more about ADHD, and to access advice and services, visit adhdfoundation.org.uk

GRIEF AND BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT To find support for grief and bereavement, head to cruse.org.uk or call their helpline on 0808 808 1677

WORK WITH A NUTRITIONIST To learn more about nutrition, and create a plan, connect with a professional using nutritionist-resource.org.uk

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