Happiful Issue 67

ISSUE 67 £5.99

DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

ESCAPING FINANCIAL QUICKSAND Spot the signs of risky spending before you really get stuck

When it all goes wrong How to find magic in your mistakes

Spice up the season

IN HIS

element

8 activities to give you life

Joe Sugg is starting a new chapter, and personal growth is the goal

A

GHOSTED

SECRET

Why you should free your inner child

How to move on when you’re haunted by the past

67

9 772514

373017

HAPPIFUL.COM | £5.99

by a friend

Autumn leaves don’t fall, they fly. They take their time and wander on this their only chance to soar DELIA OWENS, WHERE THE CRAWDADS SING

2 | Issue XX | happiful.com

Take your time What is it that Ferris Bueller says?

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

It’s funny to think this classic pop culture reference could really be advocating mindfulness (along with taking a much-needed ‘day off’).

And while we wouldn’t encourage you to mimic all the exploits of the protagonist, giving yourself permission to have fun, take a break, and savour the moment are certainly traits worth embracing.

Cover photography | Dan Kennedy, Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge

In this issue, we’re encouraging you to take a leaf out of Ferris’s book.

We’re calling for a respite from the relentless noise of the world, asking you to press pause, and revel in the journey, the experience, and not just the destination.

The patience of nature really epitomises this. Not only is the wilderness a place to marvel at and treasure the present, but it serves a valuable lesson. We might not be able to see growth before our eyes as it’s happening, but day by day, change is there. And in a week, or a month, progress can be unrecognisable!

Our special edition cover star Joe Sugg is certainly on board with this.

In our exclusive interview, Joe opens up about the value of taking your time – how we’re so often in a rush, we don’t appreciate the advances we’re making. That, in particular,

with our wellness, there’s no quick-fix.

It’s about devoting the ongoing time, energy, and care to yourself over the long-term that matters.

So, with that in mind, we’ve peppered this edition with a wealth of features to support gradual growth, and living for the moment – from setting ourselves free by joining the anti-perfectionist movement, to rediscovering our silly sides, and the power of adult play. Plus, our print-exclusive journaling pages are all about taking inspiration from nature to support our personal growth.

Let’s move away from a life at fullspeed, and instead try a change of pace. Take a step into the unknown, and let your heart roam.

Your wildest imagination is a wonderful place to be.

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

Grow with it 16 Embrace anti-perfectionism 19 Happy accidents

28

How to turn mistakes into lessons

38 Joe Sugg

38

The influencer and author on discovering a slower pace of life

71 Full steam ahead

Could hypnosis help stop procrastination?

83 Wild and free

Explore our nature-inspired journal pages to unlock unlimited growth

Try this at home 18 Go birding 46 Start your own sourdough 56 Talking about depression 82 Take a deep breath

Positive pointers

Relationships

25 Freeze winter boredom

14 Cinderella complex

Try these fun-packed activities

35 Set your creativity free 44 Sensational succulents Create your own beautiful succulent bowl at home

76 Unleash a new power

How to stimulate your vagus nerve

79 You're never too old

The power of play as an adult could actually help us live longer

The storybook syndrome damaging our independence

32 The truth is out

How to support a mythomaniac

36 Handling guilt and grief

Food & health

Bereavement can come with complex emotions

47 Find hormonal harmony

63 Am I lonely?

It's time that workplaces stepped up

68 Ghosted by a friend

Essential steps to help you move on

60 Menopause matters 66 Legendary lunches Do something different

53

63 Culture 8 Good news

44

13 The wellbeing wrap 43 Page-turners 74 Things to do this month

Wellbeing 22 Money talk

Grace Victory on how she's taking care of her family this winter

28 Crystals for kids 30 Stuck in a spending rut?

Learn about common financial quicksands, and how to get unstuck

50 Birthday blues?

The big day isn't always easy

47

19

*

Expert review

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

It’s inevitable that we will make mistakes throughout our lifetime. This is an inherent part of being human.

However, we do not always take this perspective when mistakes are made. Head to p19, to get some help with how you respond to mistakes made in your life. Getting things wrong allows you to develop greater resilience and understanding of what is considered to be correct.

Ultimately, this is part of the journey helping you to grow.

53 Caring through cancer

RAV SEKHON

57 Fishing for good health

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Why the recreational hobby used to support wellbeing has us hooked

BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Happiful Community Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue CLAUDINE THORNHILL

ADAM CRAFT

NT DipCNM mANP

Dip MAC

Claudine is a naturopathic nutritionist and health coach.

Adam is a life coach, encouraging confidence in 18 to 30-year-olds.

Our team EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer Grace Victory, Claudine Thornhill | Columnists Lucy Donoughue | Head of Multimedia Ellen Lees | Head of Content Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor

JAMES EVE

KATE WALL

Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

mCOSRT PGDip

MSc AfN

ART & DESIGN

James is a counsellor and psychosexual and relationship therapist.

Kate is a registered nutritionist and coach helping clients find joy.

Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus | PR Manager

LUCY SMITH

NADIA WYATT

BA (Hons) PGDip MBACP

BA MA AdDipCoun EMDR MBACP

Lucy is a Manchesterbased relational integrative psychotherapist.

Nadia is a trauma specialist, EMDR therapist, and counsellor.

Laura Stevenson, Regina King, Amanda Nicholson, Tabby Kibugi, Nadia Wyatt, Erica Crompton, Rosalind Ryan, Kate Wall, Rosie Cappuccino, Jenna Farmer, Kirsty Rigg, Susanne Hardcastle

IAN STOCKBRIDGE

Amy Preston, Adam Craft, Ian Stockbridge, Lucy Smith, James Eve, Jenny Warwick, Siobhan Butt, Aneequa Godart, Fiona Austin, Nicola Vanlint

CONTRIBUTORS

SPECIAL THANKS

JENNY WARWICK PGDip BACP

BSc (Hons) PGCert MBACP

Jenny is a counsellor specialising in relationships and family issues.

Ian is the founder of Hope Therapy & Counselling Services.

SIOBHAN BUTT

SUSANNE HARDCASTLE

BSc MBACP

DipHE

Siobhan is a relationship counsellor offering support to adults and individuals.

Susanne is a children's nurse, a Reiki and Seichem master, and a crystal healer.

MANAGEMENT Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

CONTACT

NICOLA VANLINT

FIONA AUSTIN

PGDip ADVDip BACP

MA DipPsy

Nicola is a psychotherapist and performance consultant.

Fiona is a positive psychologist specialising in anxiety.

ANEEQUA GODART

AMY PRESTON

dipCNM mBANT CNHC mANP

MA PGDip MBACP

Aneequa is a nutritional therapist with an interest in nutrigenomics and skin.

Amy is a therapist working with women who don't feel good enough.

Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

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How to find magic in your mistakes

of risky Spot the signs e spending befor stuck you really get

Spice up the season

8 activities to give you life

IN HIS

element g a new Joe Sugg is startin nal perso chapter, and goal growth is the

GHOSTED

by a friend How to move on when you’re past haunted by the

A

SECRET

d free Why you shoul your inner child 67

9 772514

373017

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Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk

When it all goes wrong

ESCAPING FINANCIAL QUICKSAND

HAPPIFUL.COM

SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 4pm–10pm: 0300 304 7000

ISSUE 67 £5.99

H & WELLBEING MENTAL HEALT DEVOTED TO

Cover photography | Dan Kennedy

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Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com

SUPPORT

Stroke survivor Marnie Johnston, 38, who rediscovered her purpose through art

Stroke survivors discover the healing power of art There are 1.3 million stroke survivors in the UK, according to the Stroke Association, and while the road to recovery can be long and strenuous, it’s been revealed that the healing nature of art can make it that little bit more bearable. Research suggests that art therapy among stroke survivors is found to significantly decrease depression, and improve quality of life.

This was certainly the case for Marnie Johnston, a 38-yearold former liaison officer who 8 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

re-discovered her passion for art after having a stroke.

Marnie’s life changed when a stroke left her paralysed on her left side, with significant verbal impairment. Unable to fully express herself, she took to acrylic art to facilitate her communication, and regain an aspect of her life that she lost due to the stroke. “Art has given me joy each day through what has been the hardest time of my life,” she says.

What started as a therapeutic tool to help her find her voice

again, has helped her to reconnect with herself, and motivated her to work even harder on her recovery – so much so that Marnie has showcased her seascapes and animal portraits in exhibitions.

Art, in all its forms, helps us to communicate our emotions in unique and meaningful ways, and for those entering recovery, it’s an opportunity to be heard.

For more information on Marnie’s care at CHD Rehabilitation, Kingston, visit chdliving.co.uk Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

Image | CHD Rehabilitation

The Uplift

HEALTH

More than half of men would take ‘the pill’ Safer contraception is something we can all get behind. And, thanks to a new pill on the horizon, the burden could soon be shifting, meaning as many as one in three women could stop taking their pill.

A new study has found that male contraceptive pills are 99% effective in studies on mice, meaning a safe pill for men could be just around the corner. In a survey of more than 2,000 UK adults, by The Independent Pharmacy, it was

revealed that more than half (52%) of men would take a male contraceptive pill if available, while similar numbers of women believed the development of such contraception will help encourage a more equal share of responsibility.

Nearly three-quarters (74%) of millennial women say that birth control pills negatively impact their mental health and wellbeing.

With many women experiencing nausea, headaches, mood swings, tender breasts, decreased sex

drive, and low chances of serious side-effects including blood clots and cervical cancer, it’s no wonder women are welcoming the possibility of shared contraceptive responsibility.

With more than a third of men saying that men should be more responsible for taking contraception than women, a new pill being rolled out could be a great first step towards readdressing the current gendered misbalance of responsibility.

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

INCLUSIVITY

Craft brands tie the knot with size inclusivity There’s something truly special about making your own knitwear, finally getting to style the completed item, and waiting for the moment someone says: ‘I love your outfit, where did you get it from?’ Not to mention the mindful benefits of crafting.

But when it comes to finding the right knitting or crochet pattern to create a garment that fits your body, the options are fairly static, and those who fall outside of the ‘S, M, L, XL’ range are forced to adapt patterns themselves, or look elsewhere. Until now…

In September, online crafting retailer LoveCrafts announced a new commitment to creating patterns designed for every body,

and launched a size-inclusive range proportioned for 32”–56” chest measurements.

“It’s so important to consider how a pattern is expressed in every different size; for example, how a cable meets a shoulder shaping, or the way a Fair Isle repeat works from one size to the next,” says pattern designer Debbie Bliss. “There’s no point in spending time and money making yourself a garment that you’re not happy with. Making your own knitwear should be a voyage of joy, not frustration because the size isn’t right.”

When times are tough, having a project to turn to, to

focus your mind and to let your creativity flow, is invaluable. And it’s about time that option was there for all.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler happiful.com | Issue 67 | 9

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WORK

Airline offers annual leave to support employees’ mental health Mental health at work is a hot topic following the pandemic, and we’re starting to see how employers are tackling it in new ways.

In a move to express gratitude to its staff for their ‘dedication and loyalty’ during the pandemic, which hit the travel industry hard, airline Jet2 is setting an example by offering its staff an additional four days of annual leave to destress and take care of their wellbeing.

Companies like Jet2 are responding to a growing desire for more mental health support at work following a difficult couple of years. According to a 2021 survey from CV-Library, 74.2% of UK professionals feel employers should do more to promote selfcare in the workplace, while the Deloitte Mental Health Report 2022 highlighted that almost a third of employees expect, or would like, more support from their employer.

Businesses seem to be gearing up to help, with a global study from Bupa revealing that almost 30% of UK business leaders are prioritising employee mental health above all else. This might look like additional time off, creating new wellbeingfocused roles, and/or upskilling HR departments.

Now the wheels are in motion, we look forward to seeing mental health support at work truly take off.

Writing | Kat Nicholls

happiful.com | Issue 67 | 11

Take 5

Put your puzzling prowess to the test with this brainteaser

Codebreaker

Can you decipher this crossword with no clues? This is a game of logic, using every letter of the alphabet at least once, with each letter represented by a number on the grid. Uncover a letter at a time to reveal more answers across the board.

CLUE: Think ‘nature’ 11 8

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wellbeing wrap A new ‘holy grail’ blood test is being trialled by the NHS, which could prevent one in 10 cancer deaths in the UK

Melisa Raouf has become the first Miss England contestant to compete without makeup

A new supersonic jet, nicknamed ‘son of Concorde’, could fly from London to New York in 3.5 hours

Patrick, a miniature Shetland ‘therapy’ pony, has become the unofficial mayor of Cockington, Devon

SAVING THE PLANET When it comes to scaling up good deeds, Yvon Chouinard, founder of sportswear brand Patagonia, has hit new heights. He has donated his entire company, worth $3 billion, to fight the climate crisis, saying: “Earth is now our only shareholder.”

NO PLACE LIKE HOME But it seems certain things can almost take us there! A survey by Plenty explored what makes a place most homely, to find our top home comforts include roasting meat in the oven (53%), clean sheets (51%), and a wellstocked fridge (45%). Of course, it’s the people that are the heart of any house, but these few ideas could bring some relief if you’re feeling a little homesick.

It might be called a ‘builder’s tea’, but a poll has discovered that it’s heating engineers who like their brew the strongest – with a chocolate digestive on the side. Builders are actually partial to a Hobnob.

Don’t stop daydreaming...

In a time of information overload, it seems we’re underestimating how much joy letting our minds wander can bring. Research from Japan, in collaboration with the University of Reading, explored the impact of participants simply sitting alone with their thoughts (away from phones, or any distractions, for 20 minutes), and discovered that sitting and doing nothing was far more enjoyable than predicted. This could be the sign you need to unplug and let your mind roam.

THE POWER OF THE PRESENT

We all know mindfulness has a wealth of benefits, but did you know it could also act as a painkiller? In a study from the University of Wisconsin, researchers reviewed the impact of a two-month mindfulness course, and found it actually altered the way our brains respond to pain – and could be a future treatment option for chronic aches.

BOOP THE SNOOT Not just for sniffing, a new study suggests the dogs actually ‘see’ with their noses, too! The findings, published in the Journal of Neuroscience, show a dog’s vision and scent are connected, enabling them to tell where they are, based on smells. This could also explain how blind woofers can play fetch, without being able to see what they’re chasing.

Hats off to them

In a win for diversity and inclusion, a swimming cap specifically designed for afro hair, has been approved for use in top level competitions!

In 2021, the Soul Cap was banned from the Olympics for ‘not following the natural form of the head’, as it’s designed to accommodate thick, curly hair, and styles such as dreadlocks and braids. The decision was heavily criticised, making this a step (or stroke) in the right direction for inclusivity.

A REAL-LIFE SUPERGIRL

An eight-year-old from Hertfordshire is showing us all the power of letting your true self shine, after swapping her prosthetic blue eye, which matched her natural eye colour, for a glittery pink one!

Daisy Passfield, who lost her eye to cancer, revealed the change made her feel like a superhero, and said: “I can’t wait to show everyone at school my pink, sparkly eye.”

What is the Cinderella complex?

How the picture society paints of a ‘fairytale ending’ could be preventing women from finding their freedom

I

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

n 1981, Colette Dowling wrote The Cinderella Complex: Women’s Hidden Fear of Independence, a book which explored the whys and ways a woman might fear going at it alone, and have an innate desire to be ‘rescued’ by a man. In an accompanying article published in The New York Times the same year, she explored how her divorce, and the struggles she had with independence following it, became the inspiration for the book, and wrote: “I came to the conclusion that psychological dependence – the conscious or unconscious wish to escape responsibility – was the unidentified element in the conflict many women are experiencing today. It leads to a condition I call the ‘Cinderella Complex’.”

As Colette Dowling saw it, the consequences of women being raised to be dependent on a man can lead to self-sabotaging behaviours, particularly those linked to success and happiness.

You might put off personal goals and targets in order to maintain stability, or you might quickly jump from one relationship to the next to feel safe.

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illustrating | Rosan Magar

Now, it’s fair to say that attitudes have moved on in the past 40 years, and generations of women have since grown up in a different world. But still, elements of this patriarchal structure do exist, and conversations around dependency and independence in relationships are still of the utmost importance.

When asked where the feelings and behaviours described by Colette Dowling might have come from, counsellor Amy Preston first makes the point that the need to rely on other is a fundamental part of being a human being.

“In the context of the socalled ‘Cinderella Complex’, the expectation of having all our needs met by another person might evolve in a childhood where caregivers were overprotective and met financial needs, while leaving emotional ones unmet,” Amy explains. “If you were wrapped up in cotton wool, yet found it difficult to connect and feel validated by your caregivers, you may not have received the message that you are worthy, capable, and important. As an adult, you may

have internalised the message that, not only is an appropriate level of independence unfamiliar and frightening, you are fundamentally incapable of achieving it.”

Amy goes on to explain how we live in a fairytale culture, where it’s very normal to talk about your partner as being your ‘everything’ or the one who ‘completes’ you.

“We expect our partner to fill a number of different roles: to make us happy, to complete us, to save us from our past, and to rescue us from uncomfortable emotions. On a subconscious level, this cements the belief that we cannot be happy unless we have a partner to take away all of our pain.”

These beliefs come with baggage. They pile pressure on our relationships, restricting our ability to grow inside and outside of the relationship, and also, as Amy points out, can lead us to overlook potential ‘red flags’ in order to maintain the fairytale.

All that said, in 2022, the concept of a ‘Cinderella Complex’ isn’t totally comfortable. The same systems can cause men to over-rely on partners, yet they escape comparable labels. And

How to build self-sufficiency

while there is certainly space to break down unconscious, patriarchal forces that restrict women’s choices in particular, another ‘complex’ to contend with isn’t exactly a welcomed addition to to-do lists.

“Doing the inner work to discover how to meet your own needs is liberating,” says Amy. “However, I’m not sure how useful the ‘Cinderella Complex’ is as a concept. We have been pathologizing women and their emotions for centuries. You only have to cast your mind back to the days of ‘hysteria’ to see that we love telling women there is something wrong with them.

“For a long time, women were told their only job was to depend on a man. Now they

have a ‘complex’ if they do this too much? There is absolutely nothing wrong with inviting a man to meet some of your needs, to allow him to make you feel safe, cared for, and loved. It is not ‘needy’ to have needs!”

The bottom line is that, yes, an unhealthy level of dependency exists – but, as with anything in this realm, its origin may be complex, and its solution long-term. The behaviour that Colette Dowling captures with the ‘Cinderella Complex’ can be a helpful starting point when it comes to beginning a conversation about, and reflecting on, our relationships, but to really get the answers you need, you’ll need to turn inwards.

Amy says: “Firstly, have some compassion for yourself. Next, find small ways to challenge yourself and notice how you feel when you’re able to meet them. They could be practical – if you’re usually relying on your partner to drive somewhere new, try doing it yourself. Or they could be emotional – if you feel anxious that your partner hasn’t called, see if you can find ways to regulate this feeling yourself without relying on them to soothe you. Could you take a short walk around the block, play with your pet, or take a bath?

“If you’re struggling, consider asking a professional to explore this with you.”

Amy Preston is a therapist working with women who don’t feel good enough. Find more on the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 67 | 15

5 ways to embrace anti-perfectionism

Set yourself free from unnecessary limitations, with these life-changing tips Writing | Laura Stevenson

I

t can be easy to think that if we aren’t going to do something perfectly, there is little point in trying. But there’s a fresh perspective on the scene. Anti-perfectionism teaches us that, when tackling any task, we can be happy to learn slowly, through trial and error, and by making mistakes.

We can be as pleased with the processes as with the outcomes, and the imperfections in our work become stories, memories, and trophies.

I have recently begun renovating my home, something I never could have done without embracing anti-perfectionism.

So, what has it taught me?

Sometimes, we put our desires to try something new on hold because we feel inhibited by expectations (both other people’s and our own). Letting go of these expectations can be both challenging and freeing. Antiperfectionism can help us to get started, here’s how to embrace it.

16 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

1. Establish your reason

When taking on any task, it is always helpful to start by considering your end goal. Your reasons for starting a task, new project, or picking up a hobby might be to learn the processes involved, to save money, to enjoy the experience, or you might really want to have a go at making something instead of buying it.

None of these objectives requires you to become an expert, they are all about something other than achieving an immaculate outcome. Anti-perfectionism allows us to create or enjoy without the pressure of expecting perfect results. It’s about doing your best, making improvements, and enjoying yourself.

2. Use what you’ve got, start where you are

Think about your starting point: what do you already know about the task you are taking on? Have you seen other people doing it? Can you use any skills you already have?

These start points are useful in helping us to accept our limitations. Without the pressure of the ‘right’ way of doing something, you can be creative with the ways in which you do things – learning through trial and error.

Stepping back, looking at what you’ve done, and making small improvements as you go, can help you find joy in, and be grateful for, your efforts.

3. Set reasonable goals which acknowledge your own skills

Allowing yourself plenty of time, and giving yourself permission to make mistakes, are wonderfully aligned with anti-perfectionism.

If you have never done something before, it’s unreasonable to expect mastery or expert results in record-breaking time.

Anti-perfectionism lets us choose to hire a professional if that’s what suits us, or, if we want to do it ourselves, we can work

grow with it

Some tasks are mundane, but having something fun to focus on can make the process more enjoyable; a killer soundtrack or podcast can help!

Before you start, ask yourself which parts of your project you’re expecting to enjoy the most?

If delayed gratification is your thing, save these parts for later in your project; if you need quick wins, move them up the list.

5. Celebrate your successes slowly, celebrating progress along the way. Before you start, think of the things you are good at, or really enjoy. How can you use these in your project?

Break away from unrealistic expectations that our blankets must be matching, hand-crafted, and perfectly square, or that our homes should be immaculate all the time. We can work on organic veg patches and still enjoy fishfinger sandwiches for dinner.

4. Enjoy the process

There are things we can do to make sure processes are as enjoyable as outcomes. Taking ‘before’ photos, or creating mood boards before starting a project, can be super encouraging, as can focusing on emotional outcomes, like joy, mindfulness, and pride, as well as finished products. How does your project look before you start? Remember, you are aiming for better, not perfect.

Good enough is good enough.

Anti-perfectionism gives you space to celebrate things that you have done well, enjoyed, and achieved. You can embrace the things that haven’t gone to plan, don’t look like textbook versions, or that you struggled with.

At the end of your project, revisit your reason or your mood board.

Are you pleased with what you achieved? Did you enjoy yourself?

If you wanted to make something and you made that thing, that’s reason enough to be proud.

happiful.com | Issue 67 | 17

A M I N D F U L M O M E N T:

birdwatching Venture outdoors this autumn to appreciate every detail of the local wildlife, and reap the wellbeing rewards of this mindful activity Writing | Rebecca Thair

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uch like our avian friends taking to the skies, mindfulness is all about a sense of freedom. It’s about stepping away from the stresses of everyday life, and opening yourself up to the present moment. And what better way to do that than embracing the natural world, tuning out the mental noise, and grounding ourselves by soaking up every detail of the wildlife around us?

A full sensory experience, birdwatching allows us to appreciate the variety of colours, shapes, movements, and songs of the birds around us – and there’s no specialist equipment required. You can take part from a window, a garden, a local park, or by finding a peaceful spot further afield – in the woodlands, wetlands, or by the coast. For some, you might have the intention of spotting and identifying different species, but, equally, you can benefit simply from basking in the birds’ presence, and taking note of all the details you can. It’s time to make birdwatching another feather in your cap…

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Garden

Close to home, you’ll likely enjoy watching iconic robins, the whitespeckled plumage of starlings, and the vibrant feathers of blue tits – which can help make it easier to spot these garden visitors. Hang up a bird-feeder to draw in more wildlife if you enjoy birdwatching from the comfort of your home, and consider keeping a fresh water source out to support your avian visitors over the colder months.

Wetlands

Come the autumn and winter, head down to local ponds, lakes, and rivers to catch sight of an array of feathered friends, including the ducks and swans we’re perhaps more familiar with, but also watch out for grey heron, pied avocet (though these are quite rare), and great crested grebe.

Coast

Those venturing to the coastline might be fortunate enough to spot puffins, which normally nest on cliff tops, or the vibrant red feet contrasting the black feathers and white wing of the black guillemot.

You’ll also likely be able to see a range of gulls, including the European herring gull, as well as the European shag.

Woodlands

While owls typically hunt at night, one you may spot in daylight hours is the short-eared owl, but you can also keep your eyes peeled for the pink crest of the waxwing, and your ears alert for the high-pitched sigh of the redwing.

To find out more about birds, and to get involved with the Big Garden Birdwatch, visit rspb.org.uk

grow with it

HA AP PP PY Y H AC CC C II D D EE N N TT SS A When things go wrong, it can be tempting to throw in the towel. But before you do that, consider the ways you can turn mistakes into valuable lessons Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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e’re all familiar with the stomach-sinking feelings that come with the realisation that we’ve got something wrong.

It could be at work, in our relationships, or out and about in the world – and big or small, these things can stick with us.

Neurologically speaking, there’s a lot going on in our brains when we put a foot wrong. In a 2018 study, neuroscientists at the California Institute of Technology traced how mistakes set off a chain reaction of brain activity and, rapidly, the brain lights up with the kind of activity that deeply encodes information.

But while the face-palming, cringing, and frustrating feelings that accompany mistakes aren’t generally pleasant, there are positives to our missteps.

“Mistakes can add huge value to our lives, and everyone has

made at least one mistake in their lifetime,” says life coach Adam Craft. “Mistakes are our opportunity to grow and to gain knowledge. Many people say that they wouldn’t have been where they were in life without making mistakes. The all-important part, though, is learning from them, and understanding how to extract the positives from something that many view as a negative.”

It’s true that we need to reframe the way we feel about mistakes.

In fact, a study published in the journal Memory in 2018 found that ‘near-miss’ mistakes can help a person learn faster than if they were to make no errors at all. And another study, published in the Journal of Educational Psychology, found that making deliberate mistakes – such as writing down the wrong answer to a question and then correcting it – can help improve our memory.

All that said, whether it comes from perfectionism or peoplepleasing tendencies, many of us struggle in the face of our mistakes. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Have you gone wrong somewhere down the line? Follow this roadmap to turning mistakes into lessons.

 ACKNOWLEDGE AND ACCEPT “Sounds easy right?” Adam says.

“You may feel guilty when you make a mistake, but that guilt will be a lot stronger if you don’t properly take responsibility for it. Acknowledging this to others (including yourself) will ease that guilt, helping you to start learning from your mistakes.”

For some of us, this first step might be going against our instincts. In the moment, we might look to start explaining away the mistake by diving >>>

into the ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ of its origin. We might point to a series of events, or another person, that could take the fall for us. And though this might offer us some instant relief, it might not necessarily help us move forward.

This is also an important point if you find yourself constantly returning to, and ruminating on, a mistake you made in the past.

There’s nothing you can do now, so once you’ve accepted that, what should you do next?

 REFRAME As Adam says, mistakes don’t have to feel negative – and learning how to reframe them in your mind can help you come to terms with them.

“Don’t punish yourself,” he advises. “So often we can beat ourselves up about making mistakes. Try putting a positive perspective on it: ‘OK, I have done this wrong, but I will learn from this and it will make me a stronger person.’ Once you learn how to reframe, you will motivate yourself to become more resilient, and will have gained knowledge.”

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grow with it

Adam Craft is a life coach, encouraging confidence in 18 to 30-year-olds. Find out more by visiting the Life Coach Directory.

This is where you have to cut yourself some slack. Mistakes happen, and, at the time, they can feel devastating. We can feel as though there is no way forward, but that’s very unlikely to be the case – there will always be the next step. What that is, and how easy it is, is another matter, and requires some rumination.

 PLAN “So, you’ve owned up to your mistake and you have reflected on it? Now you need to take action to minimise the chances of it happening again,” Adam says.

“For example, if it’s a mistake at work, is there a process you could put in place? Maybe a checklist, or even extra training?”

 REFLECT When Adam suggests you take the time to reflect on the mistake, he’s careful to point out that this isn’t about dwelling on the past. Instead, it’s about proactively taking a look at the situation, to uncover the lessons that are there.

“Ask yourself questions,” Adam says. “What went wrong? What could I do better? Did I allow myself to get distracted? Write your responses down and read them back to yourself. It is a lot easier to absorb this information when you see it written down.”

These notes can be for your eyes only. So be searingly honest with yourself. You might end up learning more than you bargained for – and then you’re ready for action.

‘Near-miss’ mistakes can help a person learn faster than if they were to make no errors Making those practical plans, after taking time to really absorb the situation, is where the lessons that you can take from the mistake really come into play. This is about more than

just making sure that you don’t do the same thing again, and is where you can actively change your behaviour, and grow as a person.

 REVIEW You reached the final destination on the roadmap, but did it work? What did the journey teach you? And will future pathways look different from now on?

“Maybe you feel like your knowledge has grown, or you feel like a stronger person. It’s so important to recognise your achievements,” Adam says. “As a confidence coach, I use this with my clients to help them build their self-confidence. By reviewing your successes, you are proving to yourself that you can do the things you thought you couldn’t.”

As with any self-improvement journey, the key is to have compassion for yourself. You made a mistake, and maybe you didn’t quite handle that mistake the right way – it’s easy to do – but you decided to do something about it, and that alone is commendable. happiful.com | Issue 67 | 21

Family finances With the cost of living weighing heavily on our minds, columnist Grace Victory explores the pressures on parents, and her personal tips for budgeting when you have a growing brood

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think it’s fair to say that most of us are feeling financially insecure at the moment.

Whether you are literally just getting through each month, a student nurse trying to make ends meet, or a mother trying to go back to work but nursery fees are stopping you, the rising cost of living is affecting us all.

I grew up poor. I grew up knowing about payday loans and child benefits, and I understood from a very early age that if I wanted something from life I needed to go out into the world and grab it, because nothing was going to be handed to me.

We lived in a flat on a council estate, then a council house, and at 18, after finishing college, I chose to get a job instead of furthering my education. I knew I needed money, and that I would need to contribute to my family home in some way, so I said no to university or a professional musical theatre school (which was very much a dream of mine). And while I don’t regret my decision at all, I do often wonder if I would’ve made that choice if me and my family had financial freedom.

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Writing | Grace Victory

I don’t ever remember going without, but I do remember my mum budgeting, saving from January to afford the next Christmas, and her never ever buying anything for herself. I believe my mum sacrificed a lot in order for me and my sister to be clothed and fed, and I will forever be grateful for that. I know all types of family dynamics struggle, but single mothers do not have it easy in any capacity, so I respect those going at it alone.

I started making money from social media in 2015 and, since then, every year that goes by I make more and more in profit.

It’s no secret that influencers, content creators, and YouTubers, get paid a substantial amount from ads, paid partnerships, or affiliate links – I am no different.

But I often struggle with knowing where I am in my identity, because I grew up with very little, and now I have so much.

And it’s not just about having the money to buy things, it’s about the opportunities, convenience, and mental relief that comes when your bank account is abundant.

It’s the lack of worry or anxiety

that I’m grateful for, because at the start of my career I struggled to pay my rent, and the stress levels I felt were enough to make me vomit. I’d see people online flying business class to Bali while I was sinking further into debt.

I’m very proud to say that I have £0 in debt now, which is bloody amazing, and I’ve made a life for myself and my children that looks different to the life I had as a kid. But I’m also becoming increasingly aware of our everchanging world and the fact that money just doesn’t seem to go as far as it used to – or as far as it bloody should.

I’m acutely aware that I’m talking from a place of privilege here. I am financially stable, I make regular good money, and while I do set myself a budget each month, I know that some months I can be lenient and treat myself or my family to things we’d like. But even I am a little anxious about the energy bills going up and up, the food shop seemingly becoming £20 higher each week, and the price of petrol, too – I could go on! Every part of everyday life is just so expensive,

@GRACEFVICTORY

•

•

• •

and if I’m feeling that evergrowing burden, I cannot imagine the stress and anxiety that less financially privileged people are experiencing – including people close to me, like my mum.

I don’t live a particularly glamorous life, but rarely worrying about money is categorically one of my biggest blessings, but that is slowly changing, and I’m having to adapt and change certain aspects of the

way we live as a family, to factor in the current state of the UK. • I’m tightening my budget even more, and making sure I know exactly where every pound is going.

• I’m doing our weekly food shop at wherever has the best offers on or discounts (this week it was Ocado because they had £15 off, plus their usual savings).

• I’m cancelling subscriptions and apps I no longer use, and I’m

unsubscribing from emails so that I don’t get tempted to spend unnecessarily.

I’m bulk buying things like nappies, wipes, and toilet roll as it’s cheaper that way.

I’m generally just not spending money on clothes (unless it’s maternity leggings, as my bump is bigger, LOL).

I’m opting for free, discounted, or cheap family days out.

I’m checking my bank account every other day, just to make sure I know where I am with my spending habits.

These are just a few things I’m doing to help take the pressure off, but at the end of the day, if you don’t have more money coming in than going out, you’re going to struggle. I feel angry and frustrated that so many people are going to be put in awful situations (especially during the winter), and all because of greedy white men in suits, and a government that is absolutely dire – and that’s me being nice.

I’m also donating plus size clothing and baby stuff to charity, toys to local playgroups, and giving food to food banks.

If you are struggling to make ends meet and need help and/ or advice, here are some useful contacts: • citizensadvice.org.uk • moneysavingexpert.com • moneyhelper.org.uk

Love Grace x

happiful.com | Issue 67 | 23

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you MAYA ANGELOU Photography | Ali Karimiboroujeni

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positive pointers

8 ways to beat winter boredom To fill the season with life and discovery, try these activities Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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or many of us, the winter brings with it a respite from the rush of summer. Like the natural world around us, we slow down a bit, retreat indoors, and take some time to recuperate. Slow, cosy, winter days-in were the things we dreamed of at the height of summer heat waves, when our social calendars were packed, and we rushed from one thing to the next.

That said, with less on our plates, there comes a time when winter boredom can set in, and this isn’t always great news for our mental health and wellbeing. A study published in the journal Psychophysiology set out to look at the link between boredom and mental health problems like anxiety and depression, and discover the most effective way to prevent boredom’s negative impact on

our wellbeing. The finding? To proactively pursue activities, rather than waiting till boredom has already hit.

So, to help you on your way, we’ve gathered together eight sensational seasonal activities to try this winter, to help you beat boredom.

Cook with seasonal ingredients

There are many reasons to cook with seasonal ingredients. For one thing, it’s more sustainable.

But foods that are in season also tend to be far more wholesome and nutritious, and eating with the seasons might also prompt you to try things you wouldn’t usually eat. The ingredients that you will get your hands on are likely to prompt hearty, rich dishes – the perfect thing to warm you up this winter. Vibrant red cabbage, heirloom purple carrots (and the

Warming foods make moving with the seasons feel natural good ol’ orange favourites, too), buttery leeks, and honey-roasted parsnips – these warming foods make moving with the seasons feel natural. >>> happiful.com | Issue 67 | 25

Go stargazing

Taking time to sit back and be in awe of the sky above can be a truly humbling experience, and wrapping up warm, packing a hot flask, and heading out into the winter night makes for an even more magical experience. There are plenty of astronomical events on the horizon, many of which you’ll be able to see without the need for any special equipment.

Head to gostargazing.co.uk for a full calendar of what’s coming up.

Go for a winter ramble

Walking is an enjoyable activity all year round, but there’s something about breathing in the crisp air, hearing the sound of leaves crunching under your feet, and returning home with pinched and flushed cheeks, ready to wrap your fingers around a hot mug, that makes winter walks all the more special. Stomp around your regular route and take in the changing scenery, or head to walkingbritain.co.uk to discover new ones.

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Try a living room dance workout

When the temperature drops, a good way to get your blood pumping and heat rising again is through exercise. But why stick with a plain old workout when you can bop along to your favourite songs? Not only are dance workouts great cardio, but they’re also bound to put a smile on your face. Invite a couple of friends to try them with you, and you’re bound to be laughing throughout. There’s a huge selection of dance workouts available for free on YouTube, and there’s something for everyone’s music taste. From club anthems to 80s, punk rock, and even Christmas music (is it ever too soon to get in the spirit?), find a routine that ticks all the boxes, and get ready to sweat it out.

Look out for the wildlife

The great outdoors can be a challenging place to live in the winter, but this is where you can step in. An incredibly easy

way to help wildlife is to leave things undisturbed. Push back the picture-perfect garden and borders for later on in the year, resist tidying, and let leaves build up where they fall, providing shelter for all kinds of creatures.

You can also leave out fresh water, and make your own bird feeders using strung-up apples and seeds. Head to rspb.org.uk to learn more about how to take care of our feathered friends this winter.

Read a book, purely for escapism

When it comes to picking up a book, you might feel some pressure to keep up with the prize-winners and the charttoppers. But reading is about so much more than that, and right at the top of the list is reading for escapism. What’s to stop you from curling up with a childhood favourite? Perhaps the book that first got you into reading? Or one that has stuck in your mind over the years? Or maybe it’s time to

positive pointers

Cosy crime, fantasy, speculative fiction – there are so many worlds out there just waiting to be discovered

venture into a whole new genre.

Cosy crime, fantasy, speculative fiction – there are so many worlds out there just waiting to be discovered.

Do your own ‘Desert Island Discs’

Are you a fan of the legendary radio format, but coming to terms with the slim chances of taking your place on the airwaves? Gather together some friends and family, create your playlist, and off you go.

Give a short introduction to each song, explaining the memories you associate with it and what it means to you, before pressing play, and work through the story of your life as told with music. Take it in turns, start a conversation, and be whisked away by the evocative power of song.

Fill a photo album

These days, most of us have a phone gallery overflowing with photos we’ve taken across the years. Creating a physical photo album is quite a ritualistic thing to do, and many of us will relate to the nostalgic feeling of pulling one out to flick through and reminisce over good memories.

So, go through your phone, select the highlights, and print them off. Then, pour yourself a hot drink (and maybe cut a slice of something sweet, while you’re at it) and settle into a journey down memory lane, creating an album to be treasured. happiful.com | Issue 67 | 27

Ask the experts

Can I use crystal healing with my kids?

Children’s nurse and crystal healer Susanne Hardcastle answers your questions on using crystals with kids Read more about crystal healing on the Therapy Directory.

Q

What exactly is crystal healing, and is it safe for children?

A

Crystals have been used to heal people as long as there have been people and crystals.

They are believed to bring beauty, light, and healing energy to any environment, including the human energy field. When

a crystal is placed on a human, it responds to their energy field by emitting its own unique frequency.

Every organ in the body has its own frequency, and it’s thought that certain stones correspond perfectly to these frequencies.

In crystal healings, many stones are placed on and around the body to set up grids of light and frequency that are intended to elevate the person’s entire energy

field, recalibrating it, and allowing the natural energetic blueprint to swing into action and begin to heal whatever needs to be healed.

Children are often instinctively drawn to crystals; they easily understand that they are things of nature, seen as intrinsically pure. Crystal healing is completely safe for children, and can be effective.

I then incorporate these stones in my treatment plan.

I listen to the child and their parent/guardian, and get a feel for what may be going on energetically with them, to decide which layout of stones is needed. Children are usually very curious about how crystals work, so often there is a

continual dialogue between us throughout the treatment.

Crystal healings work quickly with kids, so sessions are shorter (30 minutes). Their energy fields tend to be lighter and clearer, with very little mental resistance.

Even teenagers, whose default attitude is resistance, often relax in the presence of crystals.

Q What can my child expect when having a crystal healing session?

A

When a child comes for a session, I show them all my healing stones and allow them to select those that appeal to them – their intuition is key.

Therapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Q How can I introduce crystals to my children in their day-to-day life?

A

Susanne’s top three crystal recommendations for children: 1. Allow them to choose their own stones. They will select the stones that are right for them at that time. Being allowed to make their own choice will give them confidence and practice at tuning-in to their intuition.

2. Place crystals near where they sleep so they are bathed in their energy for hours, and often help them to relax and go to sleep.

3. Keep a bowl of chakra coloured crystals, i.e. one for each colour of the rainbow, and have the child pick one when they are

troubled; their choice of colour will indicate which chakra is in need of support: • Red - need for safety/ grounding • Orange - need for creativity and nurturing • Yellow - fear/anxiety • Pink/green - need for love • Turquoise/light blue - fear of speaking their truth • Indigo - over thinking/analysing • Violet - need for spirituality/ trust in spirit

Take them to a crystal shop and let the child choose a stone or several. If it feels right for you, you can explain that it is a part of nature that has a soul called a Deva that they can talk to, and when they hold the stone, or have it near them, it could help them feel calm (putting it on their bedside table is perfect for this). If they have pain, they can put the stone where the pain is and ask it to help them.

Children’s literature abounds with stories of magic stones, and it is a small step for children to believe that stones have the ability to do seemingly miraculous things. If they also see the adults they trust using crystals, and having them in their environments with the intention of purifying energy, it will become a normal part of their belief systems.

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What is financial quicksand?

Have you ever found yourself slipping into bad spending habits online, that you just can’t get out of?

You could be experiencing financial quicksand Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

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oney. It’s one of those taboo subjects that many of us feel uncomfortable talking about.

According to one 2020 survey from the Money and Pensions Service, 29 million UK adults don’t feel comfortable talking about money, despite 48% worrying about their finances recently.

With concerns around growing inflation, and the impact of rising costs on households, there’s never been a more important time to better understand our finances – and to feel able to ask for help.

What is financial quicksand?

Popularised by Citizens Advice, the term financial quicksand is used to refer to the slippery slope of online spending. Companies influence us to make spending decisions in both deliberate and subtle ways. By introducing risky or longer-term spending 30 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

commitments to us when we’re already checking out online, it can lead to financial commitments we aren’t fully considering. And by the time we realise? We’re already

in too deep, spending more than we can really afford.

Financial quicksand can include different kinds of spending, such as:

By Now, Pay Later (BNPL) schemes

When you click to delay payments, or split one cost into smaller, monthly payments, you are entering into a BNPL contract. Many people find themselves agreeing to these without fully understanding what they are signing up for (e.g. the total amount of payments, interest rates, or even late fees).

More and more online retailers are offering BNPL options once you’re already trying to pay – making those ‘six easy payments’ sound much more enticing (and often just one click away).

Research undertaken by Citizens Advice reveals that one

in four people regret using BNPL schemes, two in five struggle to meet repayments, and one in three miss or make late payments.

Worryingly, two in five of us who have used BNPL didn’t realise it until after the sign-up process.

wellbeing

Online gambling

Closing accounts can be tricky, whereas money can be deposited with just a single click. Many apps even accept Apple and Google Pay, meaning you don’t need to enter your card details at all. This can make tracking your spending much harder, meaning you’re more likely to fall into gambling debt.

Subscriptions services

have a complex chat system that requires you to jump through hoops with buggy chatbots sending you round in circles.

Many subscriptions turn into automatic payments unless you click to cancel in time, and some companies avoid using the word cancel altogether, to make things even more difficult to navigate.

How can you get unstuck?

spent’ reminders can be highly effective. Despite only 10% of users making the most of these, more than 70% say that these tools help them to stay more in control of their gambling.

For subscription worries, make sure to note down the exact length of any subscriptions before you sign up. Setting reminders for their end dates (and allowing yourself buffer time to get in contact) can help to avoid unexpected payments and charges.

Apps are often easy to access, taking minutes to create an account. For those who experience gambling addiction or want to limit their spending, protections (maximum spending limits, forced breaks) can be difficult to access, or may have a delay in being applied.

Often offering free trials with just a couple of clicks, cancelling subscriptions can be extremely hard. You may need to directly call a customer service line, but finding the number isn’t easy through the website’s FAQs or menu, and only has limited availability. Or perhaps they

It’s important to remember that financial worries will only get worse if you try to ignore them.

Buy Now, Pay Later can feel tempting, but try to consider the impact on your future budget.

Is it worth the extra monthly expense over coming months?

Or would it make more sense to save and then purchase a fun item later? Reserving BNPL schemes for bigger purchases where it may be necessary (e.g. to replace broken white goods) can be more helpful – just ensure you are reading all of the T&Cs (and compare prices with other retailers) before you click ‘buy’.

If you are an online gambler, using deposit limits and ‘time

Help and advice

Speaking with Citizens Advice can be a great place to learn more about dealing with debt, and where you can turn if you have

Remember, that times are tough right now, but watch out for tempting offers that are too good to be true any big financial worries.

Other sites and charities offering free advice and guidance include moneyhelper.org.uk, nationaldebtline.org, and stepchange.org Remember, that times are tough right now, but watch out for tempting offers that are too good to be true, and take a moment to recognise if you’re stepping foot into dangerous financial territory. Reach out if you need help – you don’t have to stay in financial quicksand alone. happiful.com | Issue 67 | 31

How to support a mythomaniac relative Do you know someone who is prone to exaggeration? Or perhaps their version of events strays into all-out fantasy? If someone you care for demonstrates pathological lying, they might be experiencing mythomania – but getting support is a real possibility Writing | Regina King

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oving someone who frequently alternates reality at their convenience is a difficult task, and requires infinite amounts of patience. Especially if that person is undiagnosed, and you have no idea how to act or combat their tendency to compulsively lie.

Maybe, like me, it took you years to realise that your loved one is struggling with mythomania, and the thought of talking to someone else about it terrifies you. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Since we’re talking about a complex and often misunderstood disorder, that affects both the mythomaniac and those around them, underestimating it only results in broken relationships and undesirable consequences, as mythomaniacs may even break the law without being aware that they are doing it.

Now that you know the risks of remaining silent, let’s look at what this disorder is, how it manifests, and what the possible treatment options are for your loved one.

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What is mythomania?

According to the experts, mythomania, also called pathological lying, is the strong impulse to magnify reality to either play the victim or hero. Once it becomes a habit, mythomaniacs can use lies to: • Protect themselves from being held accountable.

• Seek attention.

• Take revenge on someone by causing turmoil and conflict.

• Try to emulate the exaggerated version of themselves that lives in their heads.

• Get a break from what feels like a monotonous life.

As you can see, mythomaniacs use lies to shape reality to their liking, and to help them, we must identify the root cause – the initial thing or things that made them feel insecure or threatened, and prompted them to use lies as a protective measure.

Counsellor, and director of Hope Therapy, Ian Stockbridge, explains: “They potentially can come from a variety of places,

but I think that childhood trauma and childhood insecurities, more generally, and a wish to constantly please your caregivers, your parents, and to protect yourself in vulnerable situations as a child, can be associated. I think we can potentially learn at a very young age that to lie can be a protective factor.”

Are there types of mythomania?

Since every mythomaniac has a different reason for lying, that is, a different root cause, it’s difficult to classify them between those who lie to perpetuate their fantasy, and those who do it for the thrill of positively or negatively influencing their environment.

“I think the problem with mythomania is that it isn’t recognised by the DSM5, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual version 5, as being a psychiatric disorder, so it doesn’t get split out in any diagnostic sense,” Ian explains. “I think, from a therapeutic point of view, it is more about recognising that there can be different underlying

relationships

causes associated with it rather than different types of it. For example, often mythomania can be linked with anxiety, it can be linked with depression, and it can be a coping mechanism – that we lie pathologically to protect ourselves from some source of emotional hurt – so it may be a variation in the situation or maybe an anxiety disorder, and therefore I lie because it can stop me being anxious. I create a version of the world that is less anxious to me.”

How can you support a relative on this journey?

For most mythomaniacs, a solitary life is an accurate description of their future, as the majority of people don’t want to get involved with someone who can’t be taken seriously, or poses a threat to their wellbeing.

But, from the point of view of someone who loves a mythomaniac, leaving them alone isn’t an option, and rightly so. Here are some tips to support your loved one and also to cope with this situation in the best way possible... >>> happiful.com | Issue 67 | 33

• Empathise with their condition

At this point, we understand that mythomania is a condition that stems from childhood and is a way for mythomaniacs to protect themselves from being emotionally hurt, or to evade reality. So, whenever they start projecting, telling lies about you, or professing their prowess, empathise with them, and remember that their behaviour is a response to trauma.

“If necessary, engage in therapy to unload and develop new coping mechanisms,” says psychotherapist Lucy Smith.

• Be honest

Get vulnerable with them and try to kindly explain how this situation is affecting you and your relationship with them. But don’t make it all about you either; try to get them to talk and see if there’s any inclination to improve on their part.

• Set boundaries

Love and support should never be an excuse for mistreatment or abuse. Even if a person is mentally struggling, and is more likely to have difficulty respecting your boundaries, you should set and maintain them. For example, you can start by making it a rule to end any conversation with them as soon as you catch them lying.

• Stay calm

Aggressively confronting a mythomaniac will only cause them to tell more lies in hopes of winning the argument, and 34 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

coming out victorious. After all, you can’t fight fire with fire, right?

Please stay calm and don’t forget to be empathetic.

“Learn to react to a situation rather than engage with it,” explains Lucy.

Whenever they start projecting, or telling lies about you, empathise with them, and remember that their behaviour is a response to trauma • Suggest help

Suggesting help can be one of the scariest moments, as your relative may not realise that they are, in fact, the problem. However, if you suggest seeking help as a way to improve both of your lives, and don’t make it seem like being a mythomaniac is something to be ashamed of, your chances of hearing a positive answer are high.

Remember that your tone and the words you use are important.

Possible treatment options Mythomania, like most mental health conditions, can’t always simply be cured with a pill and

some rest. Professional support through therapy can help to: • Find out the underlying problem. Did it originate during a traumatic event in your relative’s childhood? Or was it the result of loneliness and the need for attention?

• Discover the reason why they continue to use lies to either protect themselves or maintain their fantasy. What is the thing or things that compel them to keep up with the habit?

• Help your relative become aware of their condition and its detrimental effects. How is mythomania affecting their lives and relationships? What is the damage they’re inflicting?

• Work around the shame and guilt that will eventually surface. After becoming aware of their problem, how can they cope in a healthy way?

• Find healthy mechanisms of emotional protection. What are some ways they can protect themselves emotionally that don’t involve lying?

MEET THE EXPERTS Ian Stockbridge is a counsellor and directory of Hope Therapy.

Lucy Smith is a qualified psychotherapist, supporting a range of issues.

Discover more about mythomania, or find professional support on the Counselling Directory.

positive pointers

Unusual ways to unleash your creativity Whether creativity is part of your job or a hobby, we can all get stuck sometimes.

When the well of inspiration runs dry, it’s time to take a creative approach to creativity…

Writing | Kat Nicholls

Seek out the colour blue

According to colour psychology, blue can stimulate creative thinking, encouraging us to try new things, while also having a calming effect. Surround yourself with the colour next time you need a creative boost – head outside and take in the blue sky, visit the seaside to marvel at the ocean, or simply add more blue decor to your environment. You could even try wearing more blue and see how you feel.

Read/watch/listen outside of your genre

Do you tend to stick to the same genres when reading books, watching TV, or listening to music and podcasts? Feed your curiosity by exploring genres you would never normally try. Love a romance novel? Why not see what fantasy has to offer? Huge rock music fan? Try dipping your toe into the world of RnB. Want to listen to a podcast unlike anything else? Try ‘Everything is Alive’.

Tap into your inner child

Kids are naturally creative, so who better to draw inspiration from?

Dust off your bike and go for a ride, find an adult-sized ball pit, get your colouring books out, or build a Lego masterpiece. These all help to stem overthinking, encouraging you to experience the world in a more child-like and curious way – see p79 for more.

Spend more time with creative people

Who we spend time with can make an impact on our worldview.

So, if you want to be more creative, try spending more time with fellow creatives. This could be in-person at events or meetups, or online.

Take silent breaks

The world can be a noisy place at times, and this can colour our thinking. Try to incorporate some silent breaks in your day where there’s no music, podcasts, TV. Allow yourself to sit in silence and give your own thoughts space.

Keep a dream journal

Our dreams are about as weird and wacky as they come, and could be a source of inspiration.

Keep a notepad and pen by your bed, and grab it when you wake up to write about your dream. The key here is to be quick; trying to remember a dream is like trying to catch water in a net… tricky! Later you can look back and revel in the absurd. happiful.com | Issue 67 | 35

Five ways to deal with grief-related guilt

Following a bereavement, you can become overwhelmed with difficult emotions. Addressing them head-on can be the key to working through them Writing | Amanda Nicholson

L

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

osing someone is never easy. Death doesn’t wait until everything is resolved; it strikes when people are in the middle of living, or still trying to work through unresolved emotions. Even long-term illnesses don’t give people time to truly prepare for grief. This often leaves us with guilt, but there are ways to work through this.

2005

Facing the guilt

If you lose someone, it’s common to run through your last moments with them, past conversations, and everything you did or could have done. Your own words can come back to haunt you, or you may wonder if you should have been there more often. These feelings can be overwhelming, so trying to avoid them is a natural reaction. If you suppress them, or find other ways to ignore them, they will have to resurface eventually. So, finding ways to

relationships

face your guilt and address it is best for your long-term mental health.

Exploring therapy

Therapy is a good first step in dealing with grief and other emotions related to your loss.

Instead of having the thoughts circling in your head, it helps to get these out, if only to hear yourself say them. The things we feel guilty about after a loved one’s death don’t always make sense outside of our own minds. Expressing this can help you realise that the guilt is unfounded.

In group therapy, you can hear others who, despite having different experiences, have the same emotions around death and grief. If hearing your own regrets spoken out loud doesn’t help you take a step back, hearing others talk about guilt might help you realise that we all have regrets.

Finding resources to help

If you don’t feel confident enough to go to therapy, or you need extra help, there are resources you can use. Your doctor should be top of your list, as they can offer advice, prescribe temporary medication if necessary, and tell you about other options you have.

You can also find websites, podcasts, and books written about grief, from professionals

or those who have experienced it themselves. These can help you realise you aren’t alone in how you feel. While hearing vastly different stories across all these platforms, you’ll notice the common feeling of guilt. Some websites have chat functions, or social media pages, where you can share experiences with other recently bereaved people. If you find yourself telling others they have nothing to feel guilty about, try applying this same kindness and understanding to yourself.

Taking a step back can help you see things more clearly Accepting the past

Accepting the past isn’t easy, but accepting it can’t be changed, is one step towards moving on.

Then you need to think about everything you did right, the happy times you shared, and the bigger picture. Taking a step back can help you see things more clearly. This takes time, because, during the first stages of grief, emotions can be overwhelming, with many conflicting feelings all vying for your attention.

Separating these and trying to

work through them is almost impossible during the early stages of the grieving process.

Forgiving yourself

This is the final step, because it takes time and work to reach this stage. Only after talking to others – or hearing their experiences – can you start to move forward.

Forgiving yourself means letting go of regrets over what you said, didn’t say, your actions, or lack of them. We all make mistakes and have to learn from them, but don’t punish yourself for something you can’t change.

The only way to let go is by understanding the reasons behind your words or actions, accepting these, and forgiving yourself.

For example if you had to work, but regret not being there as much, it’s understandable. But it’s unlikely your loved one would have wanted you to fall into debt by not earning money. If you can understand your own motives, you can accept them and forgive yourself.

Guilt is just one part of the grieving process, but it’s an overwhelming one. It’s often unfounded, or we put unreasonable expectations on ourselves, which we’d never put on anyone else. Understanding this is crucial to getting past it and living our own lives as a tribute to the person we have lost. happiful.com | Issue 67 | 37

38 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

Growing through changes Joe Sugg experienced a decade of extraordinary achievements, amassing millions of followers, and incredible career firsts, but in parallel he encountered phone addiction, anxiety, and overwhelm. Now, he’s starting a new chapter, sharing his love for a the great outdoors, a slower pace of life, and the vital role therapy plays in it Writing | Lucy Donoughue

J

oe Sugg may have shot to fame as a YouTube creator, but today it’s the feel of his fingers in the earth rather than on a keyboard, and garden planning instead of filming content, that occupies his mind – and he looks incredibly happy about it.

Speaking from his home on a decidedly autumnal morning, Joe proudly shares that he’s entered a new stage in his life. He’s turned 30, moved to the countryside with his partner Dianne Buswell (who he met on Strictly Come Dancing in 2018), and he’s now actively immersing himself in the wonder of the natural world, and all the mood-boosting goodness it has to offer.

“The move has certainly slowed my mind down, and getting out of the busyness of London helped me to find a bit more clarity

on what I wanted to do going forward,” Joe explains. “I’ve had an amazing 10 years on social media and YouTube, and I’m not going away anytime soon, but I’m starting a new chapter of my life.”

The couple’s big move was prompted by Joe’s new-found love of planting, which developed during the pandemic, and led him to consider the role the great outdoors has played in his life. Having grown up in rural Wiltshire, he knew that there was happiness to be found with the ability to reconnect with nature on a daily basis. “It’s a lot better for me,” Joe muses. “I’m more relaxed out here in the countryside.”

Joe documented the positive impact country life and time spent outdoors has on his mental health in his new book, Grow. He also shares his experiences with anxiety, burnout, and overwhelm, >>> happiful.com | Issue 67 | 39

40 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

attached to that, I’ve been very open about it with my friends, and it’s never been met with any negativity.”

For Joe, therapy is just one of the ways he keeps himself well, but he’s emphatic about its importance.

“The mind is the most powerful muscle in the body, so it makes sense to have therapy. Therapy is like going to the gym for your mind,” Joe notes. “I’ve got to stress

that it’s not a quick fix process; you have to work on it, and make it part of your routine. You’ve got to dedicate time and effort for a long period of time to see results, but you’ll look back and see

that it’s those small incremental changes that are going to really help you in the long term.”

Joe searches for an analogy. “I kind of link it back to when I was a roof thatcher. It would be at least six weeks to do a roof. Six weeks just working on the same roof, that whole time! But then, when you finally step back and you look at what you’ve made, for somebody else as well, it’s such a special feeling,” he says, beaming.

“I always say I’d love to be able to bottle it up and dish it out to people. I think we need to bring an element of that back into our lives, or at least just acknowledge that those actions hold a lot of value to us as humans.”

It seems that after a stratospheric career trajectory in his 20s, Joe is now more focused on the benefits to be reaped from slow, consistent, creative activities, engaging in what you need, what you love, and what lights you up.

“Not seeing results from what we do straight away is very good for us, I think,” he says. “Gardening has definitely become one of those things for me. It’s a lot of trial and error, and a lot of the things I planted this year, I’ll probably never see – or they won’t last as long as I want them to. It’s all stuff we’re learning at the moment, and I always have a feeling of satisfaction afterwards.”

Joe’s love of the outdoor life is shared by Dianne, who grew up in a rural setting on the outskirts of a small town in Australia. “She loves where we are,” he says. “She’s a lot more interested in the garden now that she’s got her own patch where she grows lettuce, rocket, and

Photography | Dan Kennedy

revealing that he struggled with phone addiction for some time.

“There was a period in my life where I spent too much of my time scrolling through what everyone else was doing, just constantly absorbing information,” he says. “By the end of the day, I’d go to bed and think ‘What did I do today that was actually productive or helpful?’ I felt like I’d wasted an entire day.”

Seeing people constantly using their phones around him could have given Joe a reason to ignore these concerns, but his gut told him that this behaviour needed to be addressed.

“I found it really hard to admit that I thought I was addicted to my phone,” he explains. “I’m not really someone who is addicted to anything else, so what was surprising is how it slipped under the radar. I was like, ‘Hang on a minute, if I showed someone my phone habits and how much time I spend scrolling, they would probably say it’s an addiction.’”

Joe started to make changes by imposing boundaries around his phone usage, with varying degrees of success. Switching on app limiters, turning notifications off, and moving his phone out of the bedroom all helped and improved his sleep and attention span.

Sharing experiences such as these are important to Joe, and he’s comfortable to discuss seeking professional help when – and even before – it’s needed, too.

“The topic of mental health is being talked about much more, and that’s becoming more accepted,” he says. “I have therapy to this day. I’ve never felt a stigma

Quickfire Qs with Joe...

Your hero?

I would say my grandad. My book is dedicated to him and my nan – they both passed away in the last couple of years. I think my creativity, and the person I am today, comes from my grandad.

Listen to Joe on Happiful’s podcast ‘I am.I have’

Three words Dianne would use to describe you?

The three word thing is hard. I hope she’d say handsome as one of them! I think she’d say thoughtful, and silly, too. I’ll have to ask her.

I found it really hard to admit that I thought I was addicted to my phone spinach, because she’s really into health and fitness,” he explains.

“She likes seeing what I’ve done too, but with her dancing schedule she hasn’t really got time to regularly get her hands in the soil.

“Sometimes though, Dianne rearranges the house plants to make the rooms look different, and I’ll come back in and say ‘Yeah, the thing is, that looks nice, but it’s not going to get the sunlight there!’ And we have those little back and forth moments, which is fun,” Joe laughs.

Much like those house plants, finding our own spot, with a combination of just the right elements to help us grow and

thrive, is what we all need. And it seems like with his change of pace and starting this new chapter, Joe has truly found his.

‘Grow: How Nature Can Restore Balance in a Busy World’ by Joe Sugg (Penguin Michael Joseph, £20), is out now.

Go-to mood boosting song?

There’s so many but I’ll say the hobbit song from The Lord of The Rings. It always takes me to wandering through the woods, being a child, and just getting lost. I say this song now, but I guarantee you that later I’ll think of another one!

The kindest thing anyone has done for you?

People giving me their precious time to help me when I’ve needed it. I think that’s the kindest thing anyone can do for someone else.

Favourite thing to do on a day off?

I love to paint, draw – and garden, obviously! The main thing is going for a walk. I’ll start or end the day with a walk, and it can be a route I’ve taken many times or a completely new one. Finding a footpath that you’ve not been down before is exciting. I love going for a wander with Dianne, friends, and family, and not knowing where we are. Using my dodgy orienteering skills to get back home again is always fun!

happiful.com | Issue 67 | 41

The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity AMELIA EARHART Photography | Murilo Bahia

Happiful reads...

From a fictional read about time travel to exposing the highs and lows of parenting, we share four books you won’t want to miss Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

M

enopause is something many of us will inevitably have to face later in life, and yet it’s a part of our lives that often flies under the radar the most.

Though the tide is changing, and it is being talked about more openly everyday, many women still don’t know what to expect, or how to prepare themselves when it comes

Menopausing: The Positive Roadmap to Your Second Spring

by Davina McCall and Dr Naomi Potter Out now

to this transitional period. So, where do we start?

Following the success of Davina McCall’s Channel 4 documentary, Sex, Mind and the Menopause, Davina teamed up with Dr Naomi Potter to bring you this informative guide

to menopause, in a bid to empower and educate women.

It explores the science behind being menopausal, delves deep into real stories of menopause, and demolishes the myths.

Night Terrors: Troubled Sleep and the Stories We Tell About It

by Alice Vernon 6 October 2022 Night terrors can be daunting for those experiencing them, and it’s something Alice Vernon knows all too well. As someone haunted by night terrors herself, her knowledgeable book sheds light on the dark side of sleep through exploring the history, culture, and science behind the terrors.

Before the Coffee Gets Cold

by Toshikazu Kawaguchi Out now Have you ever wondered what it would be like to travel back in time? What would you do? In this fascinating read, a unique cafe in Tokyo offers four customers the opportunity to travel back in time, but there is one essential condition that they must obey.

They must arrive back before the coffee gets cold.

Book covers | amazon.co.uk

Must reads Parenting Hell by Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe 13 October 2022 Comedians Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe open up about the highs and lows of parenting, as proud yet sleep-deprived parents themselves. In an honest and entertaining conversation about life as a parent, the autobiography covers the everyday saga that accompanies it, alongside an extra helping of humour to get by.

happiful.com | Issue 67 | 43

SUPER SUCCULENTS Seven simple steps to create your own sensational succulent bowl at home Writing | Rebecca Thair

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ring the splendour of nature indoors with your own special succulent bowl.

Known for their robustness, succulents can be a great choice for novice gardeners or those wanting a plant with minimal upkeep. Plus, in general, increasing the greenery in your home helps to purify the air inside, as well as helping to balance humidity – particularly helpful over the winter when you might be more likely to struggle with colds and sore throats.

So, whether you’re looking for a mindful activity to deliver ongoing wellbeing benefits, or simply a beautiful ‘green’ decoration for your home, here are seven easy steps to create your own succulent bowl...

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positive pointers

Echeveria elegans

Graptopetalum superbum

Crassula

TYPES TO TRY Echeveria elegans – this is one of the classic succulents, with a pale, green-blue hue, which grows into rosette shapes.

1. Select your succulents With a wide variety of shapes and sizes available, mix and match a range that appeals to you. You might want to try a ‘flaming Katy’ for a spot of colour, or a ‘string of pearls’ for an added dimension, with its trailing leaves.

2. Prepare your pot

Choose a container that catches your eye – perhaps a terracotta bowl or a terrarium – and fill it with potting soil (ideally one with sand or perlite to assist with drainage). Since succulents originate in harsh, arid conditions, they will need a desert-dweller mix to really help them thrive.

3. Release the roots

When taking your plants from their individual pots, tease the roots apart if they’re compacting too tightly. This ensures your freshly potted plant can start to spread its roots almost immediately, soaking up any moisture it needs.

4. Start your planting

Dig a hole towards the middle of the bowl to house your tallest

succulent, and place it in, securing with the earth.

5. Plan some breathing space

As tempting as it is to pack your plants in, ensure you leave room for each to spread out as it grows. Succulents grow really quickly, so your little creation will look ‘finished’ in no time, but overcrowding can lead to mould or insect infestations, so it’s important to let them breathe.

6. Water immediately

This ensures you get rid of any air pockets around the roots, and gives them a much-needed drink after being repotted.

Going forwards, water your succulents when the soil feels dry to the touch – if it’s still damp, give it some more time to dry out.

7. Seek out some sun

Succulents are sunworshippers, so try to place your bowl somewhere that gets a decent amount of sunlight each day – ideally six to eight hours. Then, simply enjoy watching them grow!

Sedum morganianum – has notable trailing leaves, which can look particularly great in hanging pots, or to add some dimension by hanging over the edges of your bowl.

Senecia rowleyanus – known as the ‘string of pearls’, is a low-maintenance option that also features trails of leaves, but in more bud-like shapes.

Graptopetalum superbum – with stunning, frosted purple foliage, this plant is particularly hardy, withstanding temperatures down to -3°C. Kalanchoe blossfeldiana – also called ‘flaming Katy’, this succulent stands out for its flowers that grow in a variety of colours, contrasting with the dark green leaves.

Crassula – sometimes referred to as ‘Buddha’s Temple’, this succulent’s leaves, with their powdery coating, face upward to resemble a Chinese temple, and may grow pink flowers in summer months.

happiful.com | Issue 67 | 45

Getting started with sourdough Begin your bread baking legacy

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amily recipes passed down through the generations are special things, and sourdough starters take that legacy to a whole new level.

Sourdoughs are different from other breads, in that you create your own wild yeast with the sourdough starter – a mix of flour and water that reacts with the bacteria in the air, which is what gives the bread its distinctive flavour. As long as you take care of it, and ‘feed’ it regularly, sourdough starters stay alive indefinitely (the oldest one around today is thought to date back to 1848!), and many are passed down the generations in families.

Sourdough baking is an art, and getting it right takes time and patience. But here’s our simple seven-day guide to creating your sourdough starter, the first step to baking the distinctive loaf.

Day one

In a clean, clear jar or container, mix together 60g flour and 60g water. You can use most types of flour, but strong bread flours and rye flour give the best results.

Cover with a tea towel, and leave to rest.

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Day two

Check-in on your starter, but there is no need to do anything further. You might start to see small bubbles, or a brown liquid (hooch), which can be stirred back in.

Day three

It’s time to start getting into a feeding routine! Generally, a ratio of 1:1:1 (one part sourdough starter, one part water, one part flour) yields the best results for new starters. So measure out 60g of each, and mix them together.

Any left-over starter is called ‘discard’. You can put it in the bin or compost, or you can save it to bake with (search online for

recipes that use discard, including crackers, pancakes, muffins, and more). If you are storing discard, put it in a container in the fridge, and use it within one week.

Days four to six

Carry on feeding and discarding each day, as described above.

Day seven

By now, your starter should be active, and should rise after each feeding, with lots of bubbles throughout. It may also be slightly darker in colour. All these are signs that you are ready to look up a beginner’s recipe, and give your first sourdough bake a go. Ready, set, bake!

food & health

&

Hormones skin health Our hormones are responsible for a whole range of body functions – from your heart rate to the quality of your sleep. But did you know they can also impact your skin? Jenna Farmer chats to the experts to uncover the connection…

Writing | Jenna Farmer

W

hile the hormones whizzing around our bodies can have some pretty powerful effects (whether that’s progesterone keeping your menstrual cycle in check, or adrenaline giving you a surge of energy in a ‘fight-or-flight’ situation), they don’t just impact what’s happening on the inside.

Our skin, the body’s largest organ, can be affected too. Whether that’s due to stress making your skin look dull, or being more prone to blemishes at certain points in your cycle. Let’s take a look at some of the most common hormones that could impact your skin health.

Stress hormones

These can be particularly detrimental to our skin health, with studies showing more than 10 different kinds of conditions (such as acne or psoriasis) are closely linked to psychological problems. But why is this? Well, part of it is down to how we manage our stress.

Consultant dermatologist and founder of klira.skin, Dr Emma Craythorne explains: “Poor stress management can have a poor impact on the skin, because sometimes patients might scratch or pick at their skin or pull their hair out. They might over-focus on acne lesions and

picking them can lead to scars or worsening of acne.”

Other conditions are more directly linked to stress hormones – when we release large amounts of cortisol (due to being super stressed for a long time), our skin can sometimes become much more oily than usual, which can trigger an eczema outbreak.

“Stress has multiple and wideranging physiological and clinical impacts on skin disease. There are skin conditions that are known to flare due to stress, such as eczema and psoriasis, and in these situations increased stress levels can make the disease much more severe,” adds Emma. >>> happiful.com | Issue 67 | 47

Menstrual cycle hormones

As well as stress hormones, the hormones responsible for your menstrual cycle – such as oestrogen and progesterone – can also impact your skin. However, it’s not all bad news. Nutritional therapist Aneequa Godart, explains: “Oestrogen, which is more prominent in the first half of your cycle, helps to stimulate collagen, elastin, and hyaluronic acid production in the skin, so you may notice that it is looking plump, hydrated, and clearer during the first 10–16 days.”

However, once we’ve ovulated, we may start to notice more skin issues. “Our levels of progesterone start to increase in the second half of our cycle, which can become 48 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

food & health

more problematic for the skin as sebum production is stimulated so it becomes oilier, which can lead to blocked pores and breakouts,” adds Aneequa.

What’s more, when our female hormones are a bit off kilter (which may be a temporary blip or due to conditions such as PCOS; a common gynaecological condition that causes irregular periods) it can result in more long-term skin problems.

For example, just under half of women with PCOS report having acne. This is because of something called androgens – a type of sex hormone. “Women and people with cycles who have higher levels of androgens, such as people with PCOS, have higher levels of acne,” explains Dr Emma Craythorne.

cortisol) are dependent on us getting enough shut-eye, too, so heading to bed earlier is one of the best things you can do for your wellbeing.

Sleep hormones

seems

Turns out that there’s plenty of truth to the idea of getting enough ‘beauty sleep’. One study from the journal Sleep found that a lack of sleep was linked to a wide range of skin complaints, such as darker circles under the eyes, pale skin, and even more fine line and wrinkles. This is because when we sleep, our body repairs itself, and that goes for our skin, too – it’s at this time that collagen is rebuilt, and any damage from UV exposure is repaired, which is really important if we want our skin to look its best. The sleep hormone melatonin helps control our sleep cycle, but it also helps repair skin damage and has antioxidant properties. As well as impacting our skin, other hormones (like stress hormone

Can diet impact our skin?

According to nutritional therapist Aneequa Godart, it’s a yes. “There’s some truth in the saying ‘great skin comes from within’, and our skin can often be a reflection of what is going on inside our body. Dull skin, problem skin, or signs of premature skin ageing can all be a sign of insufficient nutrient intake,” she adds.

If

your skin prone

breakouts, could

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upping zinc

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How to address common skin complaints Dry skin: Aneequa advises tucking into plenty of healthy fats, such as oily fish (like salmon and mackerel), or avocados and flaxseed oils. “Omega-3 fatty acids are great for dry skin as they support the layer of intracellular lipids in the stratum corneum (the outer layer of skin) which helps prevent moisture escaping,” she explains.

For bad breakouts: If your skin seems prone to breakouts, it could be worth upping your zinc intake. “Zinc has anti-inflammatory properties and can help with skin repair – so load up on zinc-rich foods, including pumpkin seeds, oysters, spinach, beef, and lentils,” says Anneequa.

For dull skin: If you ever wonder why you can’t achieve that soughtafter dewy glow, it’s time to reach for the rainbow. “Fruits and vegetables full of antioxidants could help to improve dull skin by helping to protect it from damage from free radicals and other environmental stressors,” advises Aneequa. “Think ‘eating a rainbow’ as different coloured fruits and vegetables contain varying antioxidants, for example, yellow and orange foods, including pumpkins and oranges, are usually high in beta-carotene, which is great for maintaining skin health, and purple foods, such as blueberries and aubergines, contain anthocyanins, that help protect the skin from UV-induced damage.”

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease, and blogs at abalancedbelly.co.uk

MEET THE EXPERT

Aneequa Godart is a nutritional therapist, with an interest in nutrigenomics and skin issues. Find out more on the Nutritionist Resource. happiful.com | Issue 67 | 49

How to cope with the birthday blues

It should be a time for celebration, but sometimes our birthday triggers difficult feelings. Here, we explore how to cope with the annual event

F

or most people, birthdays are a fun and happy time to celebrate with friends and family. After all, they only happen once a year. However, birthdays can sometimes be accompanied by feelings of disinterest, depression, and sadness on, or in the days leading to, your birthday – AKA the birthday blues.

But, why does this happen?

“The expectation to feel joy and celebrate when we don’t feel like it or may not have good reason to, can be part of the issue,” says counsellor James Eve. “‘I should

50 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

Writing | Tabby Kibugi

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

feel happy or elated,’ makes no allowances for what you actually feel. We can recognise that even occasions that are a cause for celebration can contain within them moments of sadness or grief.”

However, there are a range of techniques you can utilise, and ways that you can alleviate these blue feelings...

the time you reached a certain age, but that didn’t happen.

“The beautiful thing about expectations is that they can always be changed or managed,” James explains. “If you didn’t achieve X, then perhaps change it to Y, or break down X into more manageable chunks. Did you want to climb Mount Everest?

Perhaps start with Ben Nevis.”

1. Manage your expectations

2. Embrace ageing

Unfulfilled expectations can leave us feeling disappointed.

Perhaps you may have wanted to buy a house or change careers by

While society often tells us to fear it, ageing is a completely natural process. In fact, according to research published in the Journal

wellbeing

of Clinical Psychology, the older you get, the happier you become.

“As we age, we also have a better understanding of what makes us tick, and can make more informed decisions,” James says.

“With maturity, we may also have the opportunity to be more fully ourselves, to drop any pretenses, or stop trying to fit in, which can be liberating and something not easily obtained from our youth.”

3. Gratitude attitude

It’s common human nature to focus more on the negativities surrounding your life. Perhaps you just lost your job, or broke up with your partner, and you may feel that there is nothing worth being thankful for on your birthday. Actively focusing on what brings you joy and reflecting on the positives can help with such feelings.

James highlights how you can incorporate this into your day-today life: “Try a daily practice of 15 minutes. Focus on what you are grateful for; reflect on people, places, or objects that bring you joy. If this feels difficult, keep going with it. We have to work the muscle for it to be stronger.”

4. Decide what your version of ‘celebration’ is

During birthdays, it’s acceptable for you to be selfish. By identifying your desires, you can decide whether an extravagant celebration, a small family dinner, a solo day at the beach, or not celebrating at all, is what works for you.

“You should not feel pressured to please others with what you do,” James emphasises.

“Celebrating means different things to different people.”

With maturity, we have the opportunity to be more fully ourselves 5. Plan the way you want, but don’t over plan

Taking time to think about what you want to do, and planning for it, can be helpful.

Some of these basic questions can be a great place to start: are you going to be inviting your friends, and if so, which ones?

Will your family be there? Will the celebration be in the morning or evening? How much notice is adequate?

Too many plans can also be stressful, and put undue pressure on your birthday. If you find yourself getting stressed out, try something more simple.

situations, while completely normal, can leave you feeling lonely or sad.

“This may be a great opportunity to increase your social circle and meet new people. You can try organising work drinks or joining a club,” James says. Celebrating your birthday alone is also completely OK, and there are various ways you can make this day feel special. You can give yourself a gift, a makeover, or volunteer for a cause that matters to you.

7. There’s always next year

Sometimes, there are certain things which may have happened, like the death of a loved one, or the absence of friends, which may mean that experiencing happiness on this day is difficult.

“We have good years and bad years, and birthdays can be the same,” James says. “If you feel sad or depressed, don’t suffer alone – share your feelings with friends, family or a therapist. And if a birthday doesn’t go as planned for whatever reason, remember there’s always next year.”

MEET THE EXPERT

6. To absent friends, and new ones

With life moving forward, you might find that some of your friends have moved away, or your friendship drifted. You may also find yourself alone on your birthday for varied reasons. Such

James Eve is a counsellor based in London. Find out more by visiting the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 67 | 51

Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still CHINESE PROVERB Photography | Sergi Dolcet Escrig

52 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

wellbeing

Caring through cancer When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer, the emotional impact is monumental. Here, counsellor Nadia Wyatt shares her story, and the things she learned along the way

W

e were on holiday in Spain, during Easter in 2014, and were returning back to the UK on Wednesday. My daughter had been complaining she was not well toward the end of our holiday, but we thought nothing of it other than maybe the late nights were too many for our five-yearold. On Thursday, we took her to school as normal. I went to work, to my clients, as normal. But by midday, the school called to ask us to pick our daughter up as she looked grey. I thought, grey? We just got back from Spain, she’d be tanned not grey! Anyway, I went to collect her and took her to our GP to check her over as the school had worried me. Our GP asked me to bring her in first thing the

next morning. When we did, he organised an ambulance to take us to our local hospital, where they would do some tests.

After the tests, the next morning, Saturday, they called us into a big room. They told us that they believed our daughter had leukaemia – cancer. They organised an ambulance, and took us to Great Ormond Street Hospital.

It was so quick and so shocking that I don’t think any of us had time to digest or process what was happening. Our five-year-old daughter was eventually diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukaemia (ALL), the treatment of which is two and a half years of chemotherapy, steroids, alongside hospital stays and visits.

It was so quick and so shocking, that I don’t think any one of us had time to digest or process what was happening None of us could grasp what was happening, and we were told that we had to stay in hospital for two to three weeks until they had done all the tests. There was so much information given to us, and we met so many different doctors, consultants, and nurses. We saw so many terrible cases and poorly, desperately poorly, kids and babies. It was too much to process and absorb. >>> happiful.com | Issue 67 | 53

Over time, I could see that I was spiralling out of control. This ‘didn’t happen to people like me’, I thought. ‘I am the counsellor, I am not the client.’

But cancer does not discriminate.

It was just desperately awful. To watch your fragile child struggle, be in continuous pain, and look so dreadfully sick, and be given a cocktail of chemotherapy and other drugs, is just horrendous.

The lessons I learned

What did I learn from this whole horrendous episode in my life? It is so important to seek professional help from the very beginning.

I was a counsellor with years of experience, so surely, I could help myself? Over time, I realised I could not. But it was too late by this point.

I was really in a bad way, mentally.

I scheduled an appointment with my GP, who prescribed antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and sleeping tablets. I was also referred 54 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

to a psychiatrist. In the end, I was having intensive counselling and EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing) therapy to help with processing of the trauma that I was living through.

I learned that my husband is an incredible carer for both our daughter and me. He stood by me when anyone else would have walked away. In the hospital, we were allocated a social worker to help us, as they said most couples

Don’t think good mental health is the final destination; it is a journey that you need to embark on all the time. separate when faced with situations like ours. I am forever indebted to my husband of 30 years for supporting me when I was struggling with my mental health. It’s not easy for couples when this happens – neither for the one who is struggling mentally, nor the carer.

wellbeing

It was a journey, and I can honestly say that, at the time, I never thought I would get better.

I had been struggling with severe anxiety, severe depression, and I had terrible bodily sensations all the time. Then, one day, as if by magic everything stopped.

My daughter was improving, and I suddenly stopped feeling dreadful. It was just so odd.

We all have the ability, capability, and propensity, to get better somehow. But you don’t just go to bed and hope to wake up feeling better. It is not like having a headache – ‘If I sleep it will go away.’ No, not at all, unfortunately. We have to do things, lots of things – but slowly so as not to get overwhelmed – in order to get better.

Mental wellness is a lot of things altogether. It is not just about therapy, or just about eating healthily, or just about exercising, or just about moderation, or just about mindfulness, or meditation, or kindness, or sleeping well, or enjoying nature, or going on holidays, or having a supportive network, or surrounding yourself with positivity. It is all of that together.

If you’re going through something similar…

It is so important that you get therapy from the very beginning.

Do not think you can do it on your own. It is essential that you check out your therapist – ask them for their experiences of working with someone about cancer; ask them how they work; ask them for their testimonials.

It is also imperative that you connect with your therapist and that you are able to trust them, and know that they have the skills necessary to help you.

But, remember, it is not their duty to save you; it is your duty to work with them so that you are doing what you need to do under their guidance. EMDR is the treatment of choice I would always recommend to my clients, or anyone else who might be reading this article.

Everyone struggles when faced with health uncertainty, and with a diagnosis of cancer, and it is important that you initially normalise that feeling and those thoughts so that you don’t end up spiralling – like I did.

Finally, don’t think good mental health is the final destination;

it is a journey that you need to embark on all the time. By that I mean you need to continue to do all the positive things that you learn through your therapeutic journey, and continue to do them all on an ongoing basis. So I daily do my mindfulness, my gratitude, my exercises, eat healthily, do things in moderation, and enjoy life to its fullest.

I am grateful to say that our daughter is now 13, healthy, in remission, and thrives in all that she does; and my business has gone from strength to strength.

We are, and always will be, hugely grateful to the incredible doctors and nurses at GOSH, for all that they have done, and continue to do, for our daughter, and all the kids under their care.

MEET THE EXPERT

Nadia Wyatt is a trauma specialist, EMDR therapist and counsellor. Find more on the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 67 | 55

How to tell a loved one you’re d e p r e s s e d Opening up about your mental health, and sharing when you’re struggling, is a monumental step towards getting the help you need. Here are some simple tips to help get the conversation started 1. When you feel ready, pick someone you trust to talk to.

2. Plan what you want to say in advance. Speaking about your feelings can be nerve-racking, so writing down your thoughts beforehand can help to give you some clarity.

3. Think about where and when to chat. Doing something while you’re talking can help you feel less nervous – going for a drive, walking together, or doing an activity.

Also consider a time when you won’t have to rush off anywhere, and can be free to talk as long as you need.

4. Express how you’re really feeling. If it helps, you could use pop culture references – e.g. noting a character from a book or show that you relate to – or try to give specific examples of what you’re going through. Instead of saying 56 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

‘I feel sad all the time,’ you could specify ‘I feel so low constantly, even watching my favourite film doesn’t make me feel anything else.’

5. Be prepared for some questions. The person you’re talking to may want to know some more details, or ask what they can do to help.

You never have to give more information than you’re ready or comfortable to, but do be aware that they may have queries, and consider what you need from them moving forwards, if they offer support.

6. Know that if the conversation doesn’t go as expected, it’s OK. It’s easy to picture the perfect resolution from finally opening up, but we’re all human, including who you speak to. If they don’t deliver the response or support you were hoping for, try not to be discouraged. You’ve made an

Unsure how to broach the topic? Try these prompts: • Do you have some time to talk?

• Things have been really hard for me recently. Are you free to chat?

• I’ve been struggling a lot and don’t know what to do.

Can I tell you about it?

• I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. Can I talk it through with you?

• Stuff’s been getting on top of me, and it’s really overwhelming. Do you mind if I vent?

incredible first step, so when you feel ready, try again with someone else – it could be a loved one, a colleague, or a medical professional.

wellbeing

F I S H I NG A S

therapy

It might not be the first thing that comes to mind when you’re reeling off therapeutic activities, but fishing is making a splash in the wellness space. Here, we meet the people and organisations that have discovered something very special lurking just below the waterline Writing | Erica Crompton

N

o, this isn’t clickbait: fishing really can improve your mental health, according to patients and experts, and last year it was officially employed

by Greater Manchester Mental Health NHS Foundation Trust as a way to combat depression and anxiety.

When I first heard about the benefits of fishing to mental health in 2017, I decided to try it for myself. I took my first trip fly

fishing just outside Edinburgh on a drizzly November day. I went with community psychiatric nurse Mike Wynne, and his friend and patient, Brian, who had been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia – just like me at the time. It was so relaxing being outside, even on a damp November day in Scotland.

I became a convert, but no expert angler, and had to eagerly wait for my next invitation to go again.

So, I was exceptionally lucky when a few years later, in 2019, I met Paul, my boyfriend, and he invited me to go carp fishing in Staffordshire, where we both live. This time, we went in the summer, and with the sun shimmering over the misty pool, I had a very pleasant and equally relaxing time. I even caught a carp and some small tench this time. Fishing reminds me of meditation, but more exhilarating – a catch is exciting, >>> happiful.com | Issue 67 | 57

and the surroundings of the lake and countryside both idyllic and peaceful.

According to scientist Thomas Warre, in a paper published by Get Hooked On Fishing (ghof.org) and supported by the Royal College of Psychiatrists, the benefits of angling can make a unique contribution to a person’s wellbeing, involving therapeutic engagement with nature and green-blue spaces, and having a positive effect on a person’s subjective happiness, satisfaction, relaxation levels, and overall emotional wellbeing.

One early adopter of fishing as a therapy is Growthpoint Project Coordinator, Geoff Yardley, who was utilising the practise as early as 2014 on the NHS in North Staffordshire. He tells me: “Fishing therapy is great as it takes place in the fresh air, usually in a beautiful, inspiring location. It’s super relaxing, and can be both a solitary and a social activity – allowing space to think, and time to socialise.

Having a common interest can lead to facinating conversations with fellow fishermen, and raises an interest in patients in nature, and the great outdoors. It’s cheap to start up, and inexpensive to attend a pool or the sea, and also provides opportunities to see new places. You could join a club with others who share the same interests. I love it, and so do my patients who come along!”

Mike, the community psychiatric nurse from my first trip, agrees: “Having fished since 58 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

I was around 10 years old, I have always found it to somehow transport me to a tranquil place where my senses are solely focused on the water, whether on a river, reservoir, or at sea. I’m sure it’s the attraction and sound of the water, whether trickling, running, or in waves, that puts me in this peaceful and tranquil mindset. In this place, I become solely focused on the water and the end of my fishing line, whether fly fishing, bait fishing, or lure fishing, no matter the location. I always keep hold of my rod with one hand as the fingers of the other hand feel or retrieve the line. So, I guess with my sense of hearing, touch, and sight fully focused, it’s then that I drift off into tranquillity.

Fishing therapy is great as it takes place in the fresh air, usually in a beautiful, inspiring location. It’s super relaxing, and can be both a solitary and a social activity “I’m sure as a child I had ADHD, as I had high energy levels and a very short span of attention and concentration. While I no longer have the hyperactivity, my poor attention and concentration still surface from time to time, but not when I’m fishing. So out in the fresh air, regardless of the weather (especially up in

Scotland!), lovely scenery and the sound of the water, catching a fish it’s a bonus – after all, it’s rewarding enough to be in a place where nothing other than the end of my fishing line really matters!

If fishing can do all this for me, surely it can do it for others even if ‘only’ as a distraction, or a therapy for mental illness.”

Mike says fishing used to take Brian, his friend and patient,

wellbeing

back to something he enjoyed and was good at before a mental illness like paranoid schizophrenia. Fishing removed any stigma Brian felt about being different from others, as he was doing something that people without mental illness did. It was the one place he did not feel he had to tell others he had a mental illness, because he didn’t stand out. When fishing,

particularly fly fishing, anglers are not near one another, so this no doubt reduced his levels of paranoia, and when reaching his own ‘peaceful place’, the voices usually didn’t matter, and often disappeared completely – even if only for a short while.

Brian used to say: “I’m just another angler,” when he was fishing, rather than a mental health patient. It was the one

place where he felt at peace with the world.

I have to agree with my fellow fishermen Mike, Geoff, and Brian. When I go fishing, I’m an angler and not a mental health patient. Not only is fishing super relaxing, just like a meditation, but I also love being in nature, and it never fails to give me a sense of achievement. happiful.com | Issue 67 | 59

Menopause at work: time for change The stigma stops here. Is your workplace doing enough to become menopause friendly? Our expert columnist Claudine Thornhill investigates…

D

oes your workplace have a menopause policy yet? If not, one may be on its way to a workplace near you. In July 2022, the government policy paper, Menopause and the Workplace: How to enable fulfilling working lives, suggested that businesses have open conversations about the menopause in the workplace to help break down the taboo and normalise the issue. The paper also discussed the Equality Act 2010, which protects employees against discrimination at work.

As a result, many employers have started to look at how they can make their workplaces more menopause-friendly.

Not many would have dreamed of a time when women’s health and work would be mentioned in the same sentence, let alone at a policy level. Periods, reproductive health issues, and menopause, have long been taboo, only to be discussed with close friends and family, and hardly ever in the workplace. But with just over 4.4 million women aged 45–60 in employment in the UK

60 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

at the end of 2021, the average age of menopause being 51, and considering that symptoms of menopause can affect mental and physical health, it’s no wonder that government ministers issued a review of menopause and employment.

When we think of menopause, the typical images that come to mind are often red-faced women, glistening with sweat, desperately fanning themselves.

We think of irritability, emotional rollercoasters, and mental fogginess. Actually, each person’s experience of menopause is completely unique to them.

Firstly, there are three stages of menopause; perimenopause, where progesterone levels begin to decline. Periods may become irregular and cravings, weight gain, fatigue, and irritability may increase. People may also experience night sweats.

Emotionally, we may be less tolerant of stress.

The second stage, menopause, officially happens when your periods have stopped completely for 12 months. Oestrogen,

CLAUDINE THORNHILL NT (Dip CNM) mANP

Claudine is a naturopathic nutritionist and health coach.

Find out more by visiting the Nutritionist Resource.

progesterone, and testosterone decline at this stage. Symptoms might include loss of muscle mass as a result of testosterone decline, a build-up of fat mass due to oestrogen loss, hot flushes, reduced libido, lower mood, fatigue, vaginal dryness, and mental fogginess.

The final stage, post-menopause, is what follows. During this stage, symptoms may persist for up to five years, and gradually reduce in intensity. It’s important to reiterate that every person’s experience is different; some women breeze through menopause, fanning themselves as they go, while others have symptoms that may seem unrelenting.

So, how does menopause affect employment? According

EXPERT COLUMN

to the British Menopausal Society, women have cited poor concentration and memory, tiredness, low mood, depression, and reduced confidence as affecting their work. Hot flushes at work have even been linked to women wanting to resign from their roles.

When it comes to employment law, although there isn’t protection against discrimination on the basis of menopause, the Equality Act 2010 does offer protection against discrimination on the basis of age, gender, gender reassignment, and disability.

This means that a workplace practice that causes someone to be discriminated against, or

treated less favourably because of menopausal symptoms, may have an argument for discrimination on this basis.

Employers also need to consider their duty of care to all employees.

A work environment or practice that compromises someone’s health, including making menopausal symptoms worse, can become a health and safety issue under the Health and Safety at Work Act 1974.

The good news is that employers are taking note of these factors.

While most strive to be fair employers, who provide great career experiences and inclusive environments, all will be mindful of the financial and reputational risk

that comes from discrimination claims. To address this, employers are looking at implementing menopause policies to ensure that perimenopausal, menopausal, and post-menopausal people are supported at work. Menopause training has also been discussed to help normalise the subject and increase awareness.

People don’t have to be perimenopausal or menopausal to get a head start on managing their symptoms, either. Hormonal balance is key, and taking steps to support that balance can start at any age. Prioritising sleep and rest, stress management techniques, physical activity (including some weight-bearing exercise), and limiting exposure to toxins like plastics, can be helpful.

Plus a diet that includes healthy fats from mackerel, walnuts, flax and chia seeds, reducing alcohol and processed sugar, and upping cruciferous vegetables such as broccoli, and antioxidants like blueberries and dark chocolate, can all go some way to providing a bit of relief.

Whether it’s at work, rest, or play, happy, harmonious, and balanced hormones make for a much easier journey through all stages of life. happiful.com | Issue 67 | 61

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relationships

How to tell if you’re lonely (AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT)

Are you alone or lonely? There’s a big difference, and the latter can really affect your mental wellbeing. But finding the cause of your loneliness could be the start of your journey to overcoming it

W

hile many people love grabbing some ‘alone time’, others may have had more than enough – research from the Mental Health Foundation reveals that nearly 30% of us feel lonely some or all of the time. That figure jumps to 70% for people who’ve felt lonely at any point in the last month.

Feeling lonely now and again is a normal part of life, but if those feelings continue, loneliness can negatively impact our mental health. So, what’s causing us to feel lonely, and how can we tackle the issue to help everyone feel more connected?

Alone or lonely?

Although they sound similar, there’s a big difference between being alone and feeling lonely.

“Being alone means you can be in your own space with no one around you and feel perfectly happy. But when you’re lonely, you feel the absence of other people,” says counsellor Jenny Warwick. “As a result, loneliness makes you feel isolated and unhappy.”

Writing | Rosalind Ryan

You can also feel lonely in a big group of people. Jenny says: “You might feel as though no one ‘gets’ you, or feel isolated because of an experience you’re going through, such as bereavement, that no one else there has experienced.” And while we often choose to be alone, none of us choose to be lonely.

That’s because loneliness makes us feel sad, and as if there’s a gap between us and other people.

This could be a physical gap – if you live somewhere remote, for example – or an emotional gap; a lack of connection with others.

Feeling lonely can also trigger emotions we might not traditionally associate with loneliness. “You can be quite hard on yourself, asking “Have I done something wrong?”, or “What’s wrong with me?”’ says Jenny.

Loneliness often leads to comparing yourself to others, especially on social media. This is more than FOMO when looking at photos of parties or someone’s holiday, but feeling like you don’t deserve those things. This can turn into a vicious cycle of feeling lonely, rejected, withdrawing, and feeling lonelier as a result.

What causes loneliness?

The most obvious cause in recent times has been the Covid-19 pandemic – lockdowns, social distancing, travel restrictions, plus the on-going stress and feelings of isolation, to name a few. The pandemic also brought some people’s emotions sharply into focus.

Jenny says: “You might’ve thought you were OK being on your own, but the past few years made you realise you were covering up feelings of loneliness by keeping busy. Being forced to spend so much time alone has made many people recognise the fact they were lonely all along.”

Social media can be a big contributor to loneliness, and not just because it feels like everyone is having fun without us. Dr Dean Burnett, neuroscientist and author of The Happy Brain (£12.99, Guardian Faber Publishing), says that although the friendships we make online are genuine, the way our brains work means they cannot replace real life connections – and these are the most effective in preventing loneliness. >>> happiful.com | Issue 67 | 63

an h t e r o M on i l l i m 5 .

3 w o n s u f o ce n e i r e p ex s s e n i l e n lo He says: “Some people distinguish between two types of loneliness: social loneliness, where we lack human contact; and emotional loneliness, where we have human contact, but lack meaningful emotional connections as part of that.” Our brains build those emotional connections by interacting with others, taking in facial expressions, stance, gestures, tone, inflection and much more.

“Unfortunately, even the best technology can’t convey the full suite of information that our brains have evolved to expect from real world interactions,” explains Dr Burnett. So, while you can have ‘armies of virtual friends’, you can still feel lonely if you don’t feel emotionally close to any of them. That’s why online friendships are unlikely to be as rewarding as those we form in the real world.

Who we think should feel lonely can also stop us recognising our own loneliness. A recent report by the MHF found people overestimate how lonely the elderly or those living in rural areas might be. We overlook those 64 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

who are ‘lonely in a crowd’ too, such as students, carers, or people living in urban environments.

The MHF report also identified that younger people, aged 16–25, felt lonelier than older people, and more often. So, if you’re a young person living in a city, who spends a lot of time online, you could be experiencing loneliness, but dismissing your emotions as something else, such as anxiety.

Some medical conditions can also lead to loneliness, either because you physically can’t get out to meet friends, or your

mental health stops you feeling able to do so. Whatever the cause, you can take steps to overcome feeling lonely.

Tackling your loneliness

Jenny says: “It took a while for you to start feeling lonely, so it will take a while to start to feel better.”

Things will improve, but joining a gym, volunteering, or putting yourself out there straight away can feel overwhelming. Treat yourself with compassion, and recognise that this is where you are in your life right now.

relationships

Although social media can contribute to feelings of isolation, it can also help you create more ‘real life’ relationships. If you want to widen your friendship circle, or feel more connected to your community, try:

• Bumble BFF – this is like a

dating app, but for friends. You’re matched with same-sex people Bumble thinks you’d get on with, then you simply swipe right to start chatting.

• Meetup – no weekend plans?

Meetup lists local events and activities where you literally meet up with groups of people who like the same things as you, from comedy nights to classical concerts.

• NextDoor – if you’ve just moved, it takes time to settle in. Enter NextDoor, the app that connects you with your neighbours, where you can find out about everything, from BBQs to the bins.

• Borrow My Doggy – this website matches busy dog owners with people who would love to walk or dog-sit their pooch. This should be on prescription!

You can also try traditional ways to make friends, such as joining a running club – try parkrun for a weekly 5K with no pressure – sign up for fitness classes, like yoga, or start learning another language.

Not only will you reap the mental health benefits, you’ll also meet people with similar interests.

If you’re missing a physical connection, book yourself in for a massage. Jenny says: “This helps release feel-good chemicals in

your body and brain, and gives you that connection without the risk of rejection.”

You could also book sessions with a counsellor or therapist. They will listen without judgement, and can help you feel less alone. This really helps if you’re embarrassed talking to friends about how you feel.

And although it sounds like a cliché, remember you’re not alone; statistics show more than 3.5 million of us now experience loneliness. Jenny says: “There are people around you who feel lonely, so reaching out to a friend,

neighbour, or colleague could help beat loneliness for both of you.”

It’s not quite 3.5 million, but it’s a great start.

MEET THE EXPERT

Jenny Warwick is a counsellor specialising in relationships and family issues. Visit the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 67 | 65

Spice up your lunch break Keep yourself warm with this heart-healthy recipe Writing | Kate Wall

A

s we head into autumn, there is nothing better than a bowl of warming soup to nourish us. And what’s not to love about this recipe? It’s simple, delicious, and comforting, with plenty of health benefits too – I hope you enjoy it!

• Salt and pepper • 1l vegetable stock • Natural yoghurt, to serve

Butternut squash soup with spiced seeds

These seeds make a great snack.

Enjoy as an alternative to crisps on the side of your sandwich!

Ingredients

Method • Heat the oil in a large pan, add the onion and gently cook for 5–7 minutes until soft and golden.

• Add the garlic and ginger and cook for another 2 minutes.

• Add the butternut squash cubes, cover and gently cook for 5 minutes to start to soften the squash.

• Add the coriander, cumin, and chilli powder (if using). Season with salt and pepper, and mix.

(Serves 4)

For the soup: • 2 tsp olive or rapeseed oil • 1 onion, finely chopped • 1 clove garlic, finely chopped • 5cm piece fresh root ginger, grated • 1 butternut squash (about 1kg) peeled, deseeded and cut into 3cm chunks • 2 tsp ground coriander • 2 tsp ground cumin • 1 tsp chilli powder (optional) 66 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

For the spiced seeds: • 4 tbsp mixed seeds (pumpkin, sunflower, linseeds) • 1 tsp olive oil • ½ tsp garam masala • Pinch of chilli flakes

• Pour in the stock and simmer for around 15 minutes, or until the squash is cooked and soft.

• Blend the soup, using a stick blender or liquidiser, until silky smooth. Keep warm in the pan.

• Place your seeds in a dry frying pan and fry for 1–2 minutes until they start to pop and

food & health

The healthy bit

toast. Keep the seeds moving in the pan to prevent them from burning.

• Add the oil and spices and mix together.

• Serve the soup into bowls, add a spoon of yoghurt and swirl into the soup, then sprinkle over the toasted seeds.

Tip: Keep your ginger in the freezer and finely grate as needed. There’s no need to peel the ginger, just place the grated flesh into the dish and put the remaining ginger back in the freezer ready for next time!

Coughs and colds are more common at this time of year, and although it is a nutritional myth that we can ‘boost’ our immunity with the food that we eat, we can support the healthy functioning of the immune system by eating enough of certain nutrients.

The beta carotene, which is converted to vitamin A, and vitamin C found in the squash, along with the vitamin E in the seeds, are all important nutrients to the immune system, and so eating these on a regular basis may help you to reduce your risk of infection. And did you know that vitamin C can help increase the absorption of iron?

Butternut squash is a really nutritious food, and is also a good source of magnesium.

Magnesium plays a role in the absorption of calcium, so this, along with the calcium in the yoghurt, will contribute to improving bone health.

Finally, if you want a little something extra, this soup would be delicious served with wholemeal scones, soda bread, or cornbread – all of which would give you added wholegrain to your day! This meal already contains nearly ¼ of your daily fibre needs, but by aiming for 30g of fibre a day, you can decrease the risk of certain diseases such as heart disease and diabetes, and it will keep you fuller for longer.

Kate Wall is a registered nutritionist and coach. Find more on her profile at the Nutritionist Resource. happiful.com | Issue 67 | 67

What to do when you’ve been ghosted by a friend When a pal suddenly leaves your life, it can feel confusing and distressing. Try these next steps...

Writing | Rosie Cappuccino

G

hosting, when someone cuts communication suddenly and without explanation, can be a deeply painful, even heartbreaking, experience. Naturally, an abrupt ending to all communication can be all the more upsetting when it’s done by a friend. Being ghosted can result in unanswered questions, a frustrating lack of closure, or the feeling that something is ‘wrong’ with who we are. It can also create a ‘void’ where the friendship used to be, or even a loss of identity.

As being ghosted by a friend is often distressing, healing can take time. So, let’s take a look at what can be done to support that process.

Use distress tolerance techniques .

The hours and days after realising you have been ghosted are likely to be the most difficult. Distress tolerance techniques are healthy ways of coping that help a person get through emotionally painful moments. One example of a distress tolerance technique is self-soothing, using the five 68 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

senses in a healthy way. Cocoon yourself in a soft blanket while watching a relaxing film, or take a gentle walk in nature. Another example is using ‘safe place imagery’ or ‘guided visualisation’ to temporarily take you into a more comfortable space in your mind.

Use mindfulness to avoid reacting impulsively.

Practising a mindful stance towards thoughts and emotions makes it easier to pause, preventing spur-of-the-moment reactions. Notice where emotions are arising in your body. What sensations do they create? Gently pay attention to the depth and speed of your breath. Observe any thoughts that arise and, instead of becoming tangled up in them, imagine them passing through the mind like leaves floating on a stream, or clouds drifting across the sky. Observe all sensations and thoughts without judging or trying to change them.

Validate feelings of loss.

Being ghosted by a friend may elicit feelings of immeasurable loss. This may be the loss of an imagined future, no longer

being able to talk with them, or having extra time on your hands.

Memories may also feel tarnished or even ruined; it may be hard to see or think about anything relating to the friendship. After being ghosted, some people may grieve – know that all emotional responses are valid and deserve to be taken seriously, by yourself and others.

Acknowledge that there are things you can’t control.

As relationship counsellor Siobhan Butt explains: “In the absence of any answers, we tell ourselves a negative story, and actually all the answers you need about the relationship are in this person’s behaviour; they have shown you who they are. They are viewing their own comfort as more important than your feelings, otherwise, they would have a difficult conversation with you.”

While some self-reflection is helpful, avoid engaging in selfblame or self-criticism for being ghosted. Siobhan says: “Self-care is really important and how you talk about yourself is a big part of that.”

Acknowledge that some things are

relationships

One day, know that you won’t feel haunted by past friendships anymore

outside of your control, including what’s going on in someone else’s life, or how they act in relationships.

Radical acceptance – an ongoing practice of letting go of efforts to shape a desired outcome – can be helpful.

A repeated commitment to stop trying to control certain situations can reduce distress and increase feelings of peace.

to tend to other friendships, or seek opportunities to meet like-minded people through community groups. This could also be the ideal moment to get to know yourself better, spend more time on hobbies, or focus on a meaningful goal.

Being ghosted can activate past trauma, especially relational or early abandonment trauma, meaning professional support may be essential. As Siobhan says: “You gave your trust away because that is expected in a relationship, and then it was broken. Maybe this has happened to you in your formative years, and there are echoes of this for you now.”

It’s important to seek help from a professional if you’re struggling, especially if your feelings are becoming more intense or aren’t reducing over time. But, one day, know that you won’t feel haunted by past friendships anymore – instead you can save your time and energy for connections that are truly worthwhile.

Rosie Cappuccino is a Mind Media Award winning blogger and author.

Visit talkingaboutbpd.co.uk

MEET THE EXPERT

Seek a deeper connection.

The grieving process cannot be rushed but, when appropriate, it’s helpful to reflect on how to move forwards and use any new-found time in a fulfilling way. Perhaps you would like

Siobhan Butt is a relationship counsellor offering support to adults and individuals. Find out more by visiting the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 67 | 69

It isn’t where you come from; it’s where you’re going that counts ELLA FITZGERALD

70 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

Photography | Dan Cook

grow with it

Can hypnosis help me stop procrastinating?

Nearly one in five of us are chronic procrastinators. Could hypnotherapy be the answer to help us stop idling, and get more proactive for good?

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

P

rocrastination. Who hasn’t been guilty of putting things off until the last minute? We all procrastinate from time to time, but why is that? Is it really due to laziness?

And what could we be doing to instil healthier habits around all those little tasks we inevitably put off?

Why do we procrastinate?

The reasons behind why we procrastinate can vary significantly from person to person. Perhaps you always leave the laundry until the very last moment – the thought of all that folding and finding space to put everything away is your worst nightmare. Maybe you avoid sending in your expenses to work as the system feels overly complex, or it’s frustrating to find every single receipt so you put it off until the last minute.

Procrastination can often be confused with laziness or poor time management.

However, procrastination is, by definition, an active process: you intentionally avoid a task, often doing other, smaller tasks while avoiding the one thing you just don’t want to do. When we procrastinate, we aren’t just putting something off, we’re doing so while knowing it’s against our better judgement (and often, that it will potentially cause us more problems further down the line).

One expert, Dr Fuschia Sirois, professor of psychology at University of Sheffield, said procrastination is “essentially irrational” in an interview with The New York Times. We know that it doesn’t make sense to do something that will cause us to experience negative consequences, and yet, by continuing to engage in a cycle of chronic procrastination, we know that we will experience more stress, anxiety, loss of sleep, and increased feelings of pressure. These, in turn, often

Procrastination is, by definition, an active process: you intentionally avoid a task create an outcome that is rushed, incomplete, past the deadline, or that may need to be redone entirely.

A 2013 study found that procrastination is, essentially, caused by our inability to selfregulate our negative thoughts or feelings around a task. These negative impressions can become attached to the idea of completing the task, leading to procrastination in the form of avoidance (‘I’ll do that later’), selfdoubt (‘I’m not smart enough for this’), or even undertaking other tasks (‘I’ll just clean my desk before starting that report’). >>> happiful.com | Issue 67 | 71

Feelings of anxiety, resentment, boredom, frustration, and selfdoubt can all lead to increased levels of stress, anxiety, selfblame, and lower self-esteem.

Over time, avoiding a certain task can lead to these negative connotations growing, which can make even thinking about some of them feel stressful and overwhelming. In turn, this can lead us to avoid the tasks all over again, creating a cycle of chronic procrastination.

How can hypnotherapy help?

If you think you’re ready to take that next step in trying to overcome procrastination, it’s important to ask yourself: am I ready to change? Without the desire to change and improve, old bad habits are bound to return.

Once you are open to change, working with a hypnotherapist can equip you with the tools needed to overcome procrastination for good with the following four steps...

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1. Identify the causes of your procrastination Studies have shown that up to a whopping 88% of us procrastinate for at least one hour each day. While the most common causes have been found to be distraction, feeling overwhelmed, and being unsure of where to start, other common reasons can include: • Feelings of anxiety and a fear of failure • Poor organisation or time management

• Low motivation or trouble focusing • Unrealistic goals, expectations, or high levels of perfectionism • Past negative experiences By talking through how you approach tasks that you find lead to procrastination, as well as how they make you feel when you think about or try to work on them, your hypnotherapist can help you to uncover the causes of your discomfort – as well as label how that is making you feel.

Knowing how a task makes you

grow with it

feel is often the first step towards better understanding it, finding new ways to tackle these feelings, and discovering how you can handle them in the future.

2. Change your perspective, outlook, and behaviours Hypnotherapy can help to change the way you see the world, consider new perspectives, as well as support you to cultivate a more positive outlook. Working together with a hypnotherapist, you can discover how to reframe situations or tasks which are causing you to feel anxious, unmotivated, or at a loss for where to begin.

Through examining the feelings that are leading to procrastination, recognising negative associations that may have formed, and learning how to reframe things with the help of your hypnotherapist, you can discover new ways of tackling tasks head-on (without the need for procrastination).

3. Ditch negative self-talk and focus on your strengths We’ve all heard of affirmations – where you repeat a phrase, to help give yourself a boost of encouragement, support, or selfbelief. Affirmations reinforce an

idea or a concept. But, sometimes, we can unknowingly repeat negative thoughts, phrases, or beliefs, which can create a selffulfilling prophecy of failure. If you keep telling yourself ‘I can’t do this,’ you have a worse chance of completing your task on time.

A hypnotherapist can work with your unconscious mind to uncover negative thoughts and feelings that you may not even be aware of. By putting you in a hypnotic state (AKA deep relaxation), a hypnotherapist can use suggestions to help you to replace these negative thoughts with positive ones. They may also introduce you to self-hypnosis, to help support ideas or suggestions made during sessions, to help reinforce these new, positive thoughts, ideas, and self-beliefs in your daily life.

4. Help you create new, sustainable habits Hypnotherapy can help to reduce feelings of anxiety, low selfconfidence, low self-esteem, and stress, while promoting healthier sleep patterns and relaxation techniques for an overall increased sense of wellbeing.

While it’s important to remember that hypnotherapy

A hypnotherapist can work with your unconscious mind to uncover negative thoughts that you may not even be aware of isn’t a magic wand (some people may see improvements straight away, others can take multiple sessions), many find that hypnosis can help them to change unwanted behaviours, automatic thoughts or reactions.

When working with a qualified, experienced, professional hypnotherapist, they can help highlight and identify harmful thoughts and behaviours, introduce new, healthier ways of coping, and help reinforce positive, sustainable habits to help you move forward to the type of behaviour you want to exhibit.

To find out more about hypnotherapy for procrastination, visit the Hypnotherapy Directory. happiful.com | Issue 67 | 73

Happiful recommends

From a heart-warming comedy to an autumnal tradition, and a podcast about modern dating, try something new with our enriching suggestions Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

3

1

PAGE-TURNERS The Sun, the Sea and the Stars: Ancient Wisdom as a Healing Journey by Iulia Bochis Renowned on Instagram for her powerful illustrations about mental health and wellbeing, creative illustrator Iulia Bochis has now created a beautiful book that narrates a story of personal growth and healing, and is packed with illustrations and words of wisdom to inspire us on our own quest for self-discovery. (Out now, Ebury Publishing, £14.99)

2

ACT OF KINDNESS

Donate a buddy bag It can be scary and confusing for any child to leave their home, especially following trauma. By donating to the ‘Buddy Bag’, scheme, you’ll help fund a bag of essential items including toiletries, underwear, pyjamas, and a teddy/book to a child in emergency care.

And, importantly, you’ll be helping to provide a sense of security during a difficult period of a child’s life. (Head to buddybagfoundation.co.uk)

4

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘This is Dating’ Has curiosity ever got the better of you when you see people on a first date in a restaurant? Let your curiosity prevail with this podcast, and home-in on a series of first dates. Radically fresh and truly captivating, you may also learn a thing or two about modern dating – if that helps to justify your eavesdropping.

(Available on all platforms)

OUT AND ABOUT

Pumpkin picking It’s that time of the year where farmers open their gates to the wonderful, autumnal tradition of pumpkin picking. Head to your nearest pumpkin patch and embrace the nostalgia of the festivities, while connecting with the outdoors. You might even find yourself on a tractor ride, or rambling through maze trails while you’re there…

(Search for pumpkin picking in your local area) 74 | Issue 67 | happiful.com

5

PLUGGED-IN

Lucy Sparrow If the name rings a bell, that’s because Lucy Sparrow is renowned for being the artist that created a cornershop installation in London, entirely out of felt! She continues to take the crafting world by storm with her felt masterpieces. From cereal boxes to cakes, she brings colour and crafting inspiration to our feeds.

(Follow @sewyoursoul for more)

culture

6

LESSON LEARNED

Panic attack tip When you’re experiencing a panic attack, it can be difficult to know how to seek help in the moment, but we may have an alternative solution for you.

Simply put an ice pack or another cold compress on your wrist for 30 seconds to help you regain awareness and feel back in control.

This is a grounding exercise that can help disrupt your body from the flight-or-fight response.

9

SQUARE EYES

7

TECH TIP-OFFS

Bathe Bathing has so many wonderful wellbeing benefits, but it’s an art form that hasn’t been fully discovered yet. That’s why Lush has partnered with wellbeing experts to create the ultimate bathing experience. Discover how your bathing techniques are helping to improve your wellbeing over time, and listen to audio-visual experiences and meditation. (Available on the App Store)

8

GET GOING

Bounce class For anyone who wants to channel their inner child during their workouts, trampoline fitness is yet another childhood activity that has become a popular exercise.

The class involves a dance-cardio workout on a mini trampoline, designed to improve your cardiovascular health and core strength. (Visit bouncefitbody.com to find classes near you)

Hand oil | tammason.co.uk

Grace and Frankie A hilarious, endearing series about navigating life and going through a journey of self-discovery as a mid-late 70-year-old divorcee. Once rivals, Grace and Frankie are forced to live together when both of their husbands leave them for one another. Will this unfortunate event pave the way for a beautiful friendship? .

(Available to watch on Netflix)

10

TREAT YOURSELF

Nourishing hand oil by Tam Mason With the onset of colder weather on its way, there is no better time to treat your hands to some extra TLC, with Tam Mason’s nourishing hand oil. Packed with a luxurious blend of oils such as shea butter, rosehip, and kiwi seed, feel the delectable benefit of silky soft, nourished, and strengthened skin. (£22 at tammason.co.uk)

WIN A 30ML BOTTLE OF TAM MASON’S NOURISHING HAND OIL For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com How many bones are in the human hand? a) 12 b) 27 c) 42 *Competition closes 30 November 2022.

UK mainland and Northern Ireland only.

Good luck! T&Cs apply. happiful.com | Issue 67 | 75

8 ways to stimulate your vagus nerve and ease anxiety Harness the power of your own body to reduce stress and anxiety Writing | Kat Nicholls

W

hen we’re feeling stressed and anxious, it’s usually due to our oversensitive brains. Hard-wired to look out for threats and sound the alarm when it perceives danger (whether it’s a hungry tiger walking your way, or an ambiguous email from your boss), our brain triggers chronic stress and anxiety when we stay in a fight-or-flight state.

Moving out of this state isn’t always easy, but the body has a secret weapon we can take advantage of: the vagus nerve. This cranial nerve is the longest nerve in our body, connecting our brain with many organs. Vagus actually means ‘wanderer’ in Latin, which fits as the nerve wanders around our body.

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The vagus nerve does many things, but the one we’re interested in here is the way it triggers a relaxation response in the body, and increases something called vagal tone.

Counsellor Fiona Austin explains in her article, ‘The vagus nerve – our biological antidote to anxiety and stress’: “Since the vagus nerve is part of our parasympathetic nervous system, when it gets stimulated it increases what is known as vagal tone; slowing our heart rate and our breathing and calming our nervous system down. In 2010, researchers at the Cleveland Clinic found a positive correlation between a high vagal tone and positive

emotions and overall good health.”

And the best part? We can stimulate our vagus nerve and help ourselves move out of a stressed and anxious state. Here’s how:

1. Breathe deep

Breathing exercises are often recommended when it comes to stress and anxiety, and here’s another great reason to give it a try. When we breathe slowly and deeply from our abdomen, we stimulate the vagus nerve. Try breathing out for longer than you breathe in, as this helps to activate our parasympathetic nervous system (our relaxation response).

If you want to take things a step further, meditate. >>>

Va g u s a c t u a l l y means ‘wanderer’ in Latin, which fits as the nerve wanders around our body

happiful.com | Issue 67 | 77

Loving kindness meditations especially are thought to stimulate the vagus nerve, helping you to feel more relaxed and connected. Visit the Happiful YouTube channel to try some of our guided meditations.

2. Sing it out

The vagus nerve runs up our necks, so when we engage our vocal cords we can give it a gentle nudge. Singing can do this, and improve our overall wellbeing, so why not make a playlist of your favourite sing-along songs?

Not a singer? Try humming or gargling water instead.

5. Exercise

Most of us know that exercise prompts our body to release ‘feel good’ hormones, but it turns out it also stimulates the vagus nerve. The trick here is to find a movement you enjoy so that it feels fun, and not a chore. Experiment with different exercises and see what feels good to you; we’re big advocates of dancing around your living room to your favourite songs for the ultimate mood boost.

3. Massage

Massaging any part of the body is great for rest and relaxation, but it’s thought that massaging the feet, in particular, can help stimulate the vagus nerve. Try self-massage, ask a partner, or treat yourself to a reflexology session and see how you feel.

You can also gently massage your neck, shoulders, and behind your ears for more direct contact with the vagus nerve.

4. Cold water immersion

Exposing yourself to the cold may not sound relaxing, but as well as triggering our relaxation response, it’s thought to reduce inflammation in the body. Try putting your face in some cold water or, if you’re feeling brave, having a cold shower. You might want to start with short exposures and build up, if you find it helpful.

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The vagus nerve runs up our necks, so when we engage our vocal cords we can give it a gentle nudge 6. Listen to ASMR

Do you ever get those ‘brain tingles’ when you hear certain sounds? This is ASMR, and it can bring about a pleasant sense of calm and relaxation.

“Our brains are wired to activate our survival instincts through certain sounds like loud voices, crashing, and bangs. Perhaps ASMR facilitates the opposite, by calming the nervous system,” says psychotherapist Nicola Vanlint.

Check out ASMR videos on YouTube and see how they make you feel. Not for you?

Try listening to any relaxing music that encourages a sense of calm.

7. Connect with others

Isolation can exacerbate stress as we feel alone in our struggles. Connecting with others, and feeling a sense of belonging, is a fantastic way to gain perspective and calm our nervous system down. Call a friend, arrange a meet-up with family, or reach out to colleagues to reignite that sense of connection.

8. Laugh

As well as stimulating the vagus nerve, laughter can help lower blood pressure and improve mood. Embrace your silly side, find joy in the little things, and laugh with loved ones often to experience the brilliant benefits.

MEET THE EXPERTS Fiona Austin is a positive psychologist specialising in anxiety.

Nicola Vanlint is a psychotherapist and performance consultant.

Visit the Counselling Directory to find out more.

grow with it

T H E

Apparently, being playful and childish is the key to a long and happy life. We’ll take it!

Writing | Kirsty Rigg

D

o you find yourself fighting ‘silly’, childish urges? Doodling a smiley face on the car window, or racing your (36-year-old) best bud to the top of the hill, cos’ the loser is a rotten egg? Well, don’t fight it! According to experts, engaging in adult play is more than just a giggle – it can cause changes in the brain which help improve our mental, emotional, and even physical health.

So, before you feel guilty about rearranging the fridge magnets to spell ‘bum’, or blowing a raspberry at your little niece or nephew, let’s take a look at the science behind play, and how it can transform how we feel and live.

Why do we lose our playfulness?

It’s no surprise that kids are one-upping us in the happiness department – as they jump around the garden with one finger up their nose and the other hand clutching a stolen tablespoon. So where does it all go wrong?

According to world-renowned therapist and author Marisa Peer, we never truly forget how to play, but society teaches us that it’s inappropriate after a certain age.

Though the urges are there, we are accustomed to suppressing it, and acting in a safer, more ‘appropriate’ manner.

“Humans have a compelling need to find connections and

avoid rejection, so they won’t do anything that could exclude them for being different,” she says.

“As a child heads towards their teens, they start to play with toys less, as they look to older children to see what is cool. Being accepted by their peers is so important to them that they will relinquish favourite toys simply to fit in.

“This is reinforced by adults telling youngsters to ‘grow up’, ‘stop being silly’, or ‘don’t be childish’ which contributes to our belief that playing and being playful, after a certain age, is inappropriate.”

Marisa strongly believes in overcoming the society’s discouragement from play, >>> happiful.com | Issue 67 | 79

We never truly forget how to play, but society teaches us that it’s inappropriate after a certain age

MIND GAMES Therapist and author Marisa Peer explains what actually happens in the brain when we play:

MOOD

When we play, we feel happy and this releases endorphins, which improve our wellbeing and make us feel good about life

BONDING WITH OTHERS

Oxytocin is the bonding hormone – when we play together, we bond, and particularly when we laugh together.

CONFIDENCE

Higher endorphin levels may also build our confidence. A connection to others through play, and that sense of belonging, further builds our confidence.

SLEEP

Any activity helps us sleep better, thanks to endorphins. What’s more, if we can play and take our mind off work or other issues, we are more likely to focus on happy things when we go to bed rather than letting our minds worry and become anxious.

OVERALL WELLBEING

Our stress hormones, like cortisol, diminish, which supports a sense of wellbeing, of feeling happy and making us more optimistic and outgoing. Studies have shown that without play, our brain can actually shrink, and laboratory rats who were not allowed to play died from having this innate need taken away from them.

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grow with it

and tries to bring lightness and laughter into every day. She adds: “As a therapist, and a trainer of therapists, I find laughter very helpful. Encouraging people to play has its place in contributing to making steps towards positive mental wellbeing.”

The seriousness of play

But it’s not just a laughing matter.

Experts say that playing can help people deal with mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety, and can even support those with trauma.

Creative arts therapist Dr Alison McClymont uses play to help treat trauma in adults. She says that feeding the urges to be playful can actually cause the brain to return to a child-like state, which helps us to access and resolve buried issues.

She says: “While, to some, this may sound ‘kooky’ or new age, play therapies for adults are empirically studied, and I have worked with extremely traumatised people whose only route to therapy was through artistic expression or play.

“The importance of play should not be overlooked; I have used it to treat psychosis and extreme forms of trauma. Creative arts therapy is even prescribed by the UK NICE [National Institute for Health and Care Excellence] guidelines as an optimal form of therapy for schizophrenia and ADHD [attention deficit hyperactivity disorder]”.

Wellbeing expert and author Dr Audrey Tang adds that although play is not the only route to

improved mental health, it is certainly one way to get (or stay) emotionally healthy.

She says: “I wouldn’t necessarily say that play is the best way of addressing depression – in that we really don’t feel like playing when we’re down. But saying that, play takes many forms, and if it provides you the escapism, or the break in thinking that you need, this can improve your mood and motivation.

Experts say that playing can help people deal with mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety “Recognise what you enjoy when you go about your day (including play), and then identify if it energises you or relaxes you.

When you are feeling low, choose one of your energisers, if anxious, choose a relaxer. A game of sudoku may be relaxing, while a sport may be energising,” explains Dr Tang.

Getting your play on

It turns out there are lots of types of play which can be implemented into daily life. Here are five examples: Body play and movement Zumba anyone? Getting your move on in a creative way (running for the bus doesn’t count)

is a type of physical play that gets those feel-good chemicals going.

Social play Gather the troops, share some jokes, and enjoy their company.

It’s for your wellbeing!

Imaginative and pretend play Ever find yourself putting on a silly voice or doing impressions?

Do you like making up stories?

Feel free to fool around with your partner, kids, and friends (maybe not your boss).

Storytelling-narrative play Similar to the above, this is using your imagination to generate something make-believe that lets us momentarily escape from real life, and causes a feel-good reaction.

Creative play Dust off that guitar, dig out the paintbrushes, or get yourself on that writing course you keep talking about. A creative outlet is a form of play, too!

Marisa Peer concludes: “When we act young by laughing, giggling, playing, dancing, being silly, making faces, or speaking in a silly voice, we behave in a youthful way and, if we do this often enough, we’ll start to feel and even look younger. You don’t need to be dictated to by the age on your birth certificate.”

Fun might just be our new form of healthcare. That’s advice we’re happy to take! happiful.com | Issue 67 | 81

Breath

of

fire

Try this invigorating yogic breathing technique for a mindful moment that can increase concentration

T

his fiery breathing exercise, officially called ‘kapalbhati’, is believed to have many wellbeing benefits, from improving your focus to strengthening your abdominal muscles, which can support better digestion. A study in the International Journal of Yoga also found that this technique could help to reduce activity of the sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for your ‘fight-or-flight’ response, therefore helping you to destress and feel calmer.

The main idea is to inhale passively, and exhale forcefully, which engages your abdominal muscles. It differs from a lot of other breathing techniques due to the speed of the breaths, being more intense and powerful than the usual slow, deep breathing.

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Get started: 1. Sit cross-legged, trying to keep your back straight.

Place your hands on your knees, with the palms facing upwards.

2. Inhale through your nose.

You should feel your stomach expand.

3. Exhale sharply through your nose, contracting your abdominal muscles as you do. Try to keep the length of your inhales and exhales balanced.

4. Continue with this pattern for a few minutes until it feels comfortable. Then, pick up the pace! Repeat this for 30 seconds if you can.

Practise safely:

If you ever feel uncomfortable, or particularly lightheaded, while trying this fast and forceful breathing technique, take a ‘breather’ and return to slow breaths. Also, avoid it if you’re pregnant, or have heart or respiratory problems.

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