Happiful Issue 66

DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

Dare to

dream

ISSUE 66 £5.99

Embrace your flaws

You could learn a lot from wabi-sabi

of a good night's sleep

Return from rock bottom

How three real people made their way back

SPOTLIGHT ON

Sleep paralysis (and what to do if it happens to you)

Haunted by their ex?

You might have retrospective jealousy...

Anything seems possible at night when the rest of the world has gone to sleep DAVID ALMOND Photography | Tony Detroit

2 | Issue XX | happiful.com

Dream a little dream I’ve noticed recently that I’m tired. In fact, dare I say it, I’m exhausted.

I’ve never really been a morning person; as a kid I was the night owl, reading under the covers with a torch until some ungodly hour, letting my imagination rule the night.

As adults, we don’t have that luxury. Our sleeping and waking schedules are determined by our responsibilities – what time our next shift starts, or the traffic on our commute, getting the kids ready for school, or caring for someone else. Suddenly we have to fit into an entirely new rhythm, one that our bodies and brains might not be geared up for.

Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge

Now, when I roll out of bed and start my day, getting some fresh air first thing helps, but still I often notice I’m lethargic by lunchtime. It’s almost like my body is ready for the day, but my mind needs more rest.

It’s so easy to forget the impact of our night the moment we leave the bedroom. No point ruminating or longing for that bed, we have to crack on with the day and put it to the back of our minds. But how we’ve slept can signal so many things; why are we ignoring the lessons?

In this special issue, we’re putting a spotlight on slumber – from five top tips to stop snoring in its tracks, to scientifically-proven, natural ways to help you nod off.

We’re taking a deep dive into the connection between our waking and night lives, and asking what our dreams could really be telling us. Plus we’re putting sleep paralysis under a microscope, sharing counsellorapproved questions to improve your pillow talk, and we have a dream diary within our print-exclusive journaling pages, to not let those fleeting glimpses of your true feelings pass you by.

It’s time we reclaimed the night, and took power over our pillows. So, if you’re tired of being tired, or at a loss for what is keeping you wide awake, read on to see if we can make restless nights a thing of the past.

Let’s dream big, together.

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

The sleep guide 33 Snore off: here's the solution 36 What do my dreams mean?

36

28

An in-depth dive into the connection between our waking lives and dreams

43 Science-backed sleep tips

Forget fads, explore these tried-and-tested tips for better sleep

48 The stuff of nightmares

What sleep paralysis is, why it happens, and what to do about it

56 Sleep support for kids 63 How to create calm

Techniques to settle you down

Food & health 34 Food that tackles anxiety 50 Rooting for wellbeing

In hard times, could gardening hold the key to better wellbeing?

50

68 Thoughtful creations

Recipes that show them you care

Culture 8 Good news 13 The wellbeing wrap 40 Things to do this month 47 Pick up a good book

63

Relationships

Wellbeing

16 Haunted by the past?

19 ADHD in adulthood

What is retrospective jealously, and how can you tackle it?

30 Empty nest syndrome

Spot signs and spread your wings

30

46 Autumn date ideas

Whether you're going solo, with friends, or looking for romance

65 How to avoid silent divorce Keep emotional intimacy and communication alive with these Qs

Try this at home

43

18 Signs you've grown 80 Help hibernators

As the temperatures drop, step up to help your local wildlife

82 Give your brain a rest

Positive pointers 14 What is wabi-sabi?

Are there lessons to be found in nature's imperfections?

22 Give it a rest

Grace Victory on the power of pausing

60 Top dog

Which breeds are best at supporting our mental health?

73 Louise Pentland

16

What's it like to get a late diagnosis?

25 Yoga for low energy 28 Equality for everyone

How can we support and promote mental health equality?

53 Past-life regression

Could the past be key to our future?

58 The curious truth about grief 70 Student support

*

Where to get help if you need it

Expert review Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

The goal to be perfect is an impossible feat, that will regularly disappoint. This is the harsh reality, but one that many people struggle with as they create expectations of perfection, and when it doesn’t happen it reinforces negative feelings. Check out p14 for help with challenging this cycle – as nature defines, nothing is perfect. Sometimes it can be hard for us to accept this fate but, upon doing so, you will feel more liberated than ever.

The power of the written word

RAV SEKHON

76 Reaching rock bottom

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

What happens next? Three people share their real recovery stories

BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Happiful Community Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

Our team EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant

LOUISE BRADSHAW

BARBARA OCELLO

Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer

CertDip HypDip CounsDip CBT NLPMstr

PsyD PGDip

Grace Victory, Bhavna Raithatha | Columnists

Louise is a life coach supporting confidence, happiness, success.

Barbara is a psychologist and psychotherapist working with individuals and couples.

Lucy Donoughue | Head of Multimedia Ellen Lees | Head of Content Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product

GERALDINE MACÉ

UTA BOELLINGER

HDip

DipNut mBANT rCNHC

Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead

Geraldine is a life coach supporting clients through difficult life transitions.

Uta is a registered nutritional therapist and lecturer.

Rosan Magar | Illustrator

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus | PR Manager

CONTRIBUTORS

SOPHIE MEDLIN

BHAVNA RAITHATHA

BSc Hons RD FHEA

BSc (Hons) MSc MBACP (Accred)

Sophie is a dietitian and director of City Dietitians.

Bhavna is a psychotherapist, coach, supervisor, and trainer.

Joanne Murphy, Jenna Farmer, David Bone, Caroline Butterwick, Lorraine Ballintine, Uta Boellinger, The Kennel Club

SPECIAL THANKS

Louise Bradshaw, Barbara Ocello, Carl Eden, Geraldine Macé, Sophie Medlin, Angela Brown, Julie Howard, Alex Fraysse, Geraldine Joaquim, Iain Ross

MANAGEMENT

CARL EDEN

ANGELA BROWN

DCH Adv.DPLT

DHP HPD CHS Dip Med CBTI IARTT

Carl is a hypnotherapist specialising in past life regression.

Angela is a hypnotherapist and psychotherapist specialising in anxiety.

JULIE HOWARD

ALEX FRAYSSE

BSc (hons) MBACP FdSc

CNM DipNut

Julie is a integrative counsellor and psychotherapist.

Alex is a nutritional therapist and naturopath, helping clients find health.

LORRAINE BALLINTINE

GERALDINE JOAQUIM

BA (Hons) DipCouns MBACP

DSFH HPD CBTi CNHC AfSFH

Lorraine is a person-centred therapist specialising in anxiety and trauma.

Geraldine is a hypnotherapist specialising in stress and sleep issues.

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

CONTACT Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY Helping you find the help you need.

Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

CBP006075

Reader offer

Find help CRISIS SUPPORT If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org

Head to happiful. for more com se and supprvices ort

GENERAL LISTENING LINES SANEline SANEline offers support and information from 4.30pm–10.30pm: 0300 304 7000 Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk Switchboard Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt

p19

INFORMATION ON ADHD To learn more about ADHD, and to access advice and services, visit adhdfoundation.org.uk

p53

WORK WITH A HYPNOTHERAPIST Interested in working with a hypnotherapist? Find and connect with a professional using hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk

p70

DISABILITY INFORMATION AND COMMUNITY Find practical advice and emotional support by visiting scope.org.uk

Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly, we source all our paper from FSC® certified sources. The FSC® label guarantees that the trees harvested are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity. Happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited. The opinions, views and values expressed in Happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We work hard to achieve the highest possible editorial standards, however if you would like to pass on your feedback or have a complaint about Happiful, please email us at feedback@happiful. com. We do not accept liability for products and/or services

£5.99 Per month

Monthly dose of positivity Carbon neutral Includes UK delivery Cancel or pause anytime

shop.happiful.com

One undeniable truth is that finding the right help for each individual is a journey – what works for one of us will be different for someone else. But don't feel disheartened if you haven't found your path yet. Our Happiful family can help you on your way. Bringing together various arms of support, each of our sister sites focuses on a different method of nourishing your wellbeing – from counselling, to hypnotherapy, nutrition, coaching, and holistic therapy. Download our free Happiful app for more.

offered by third parties. Memiah Limited is a private company limited by shares and registered in England and Wales with

Cover illustration

by Rosan Magar

company number 05489185 and VAT number GB 920805837.

Our registered office address is Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL.

Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com

The Uplift NUTRITION

An apple a day could keep anxiety at bay We’ve all heard the phrase ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away’, but a new study has found that there could be some truth in the sentiment when it comes to taking care of our mental health.

In research published in the British Journal of Nutrition, it was discovered that eating fruit on a regular basis had the ability to decrease levels of depression and anxiety, regardless of the portion size or type of fruit.

Looking at a group of 428 healthy adults, the researchers 8 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

measured their eating habits, psychological health, and lifestyle behaviours, through a series of questionnaires. One of these was a cognitive failure questionnaire, which is designed to measure lapse in attention, memory, and action-related tasks – chosen to assess how diet might affect our cognition – and included questions such as: ‘Do you leave important emails unanswered for several days?’ and ‘Do you often walk into a room and forget why you entered it?’

Researchers found that eating fruit regularly had more of an effect than eating vegetables, the reason being that, while both are rich in antioxidants, fibre, and essential micronutrients that promote brain function, we are more likely to eat fruit raw, which helps to retain nutrients that are often lost during the cooking process.

So, it seems that this healthy habit and wellbeing boost could be low-hanging fruit.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

MEN’S HEALTH

Surge in men seeking help following UFC winner’s speech In a clip that went viral online, Ultimate Fighting Championship fighter Paddy Pimblett chose to make men’s mental health the theme of his victory speech following his win over Jordan Leavitt – and, now, it’s having a real knock-on effect.

In his speech, Pimblett shared that a friend had recently completed suicide, going on to ask men to start reaching out to each other, and opening up when they’re going through something.

“There’s a stigma in this world that men can’t talk,” he said, in a clip that has racked up millions of views. “I know I would rather have my mate cry on my shoulder than go to his funeral next week.

So please, let’s get rid of this stigma. Men, start talking.”

The call out comes at a time when men are three times more likely than women to die by suicide, and much needs to be done to address men’s mental health. But it appears that

Pimblett’s speech is already having an impact, as one mental health group, Andy’s Man Club, say it has seen a 22% rise in attendees since the speech.

Beyond that, in an interview with Sky Sports, Pimblett revealed how he has been receiving messages and comments thanking him for sharing such an important message. “It blows your mind,” he said. “Messages like that will mean more than any win ever will.”

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

SUPPORT

Pioneering live chat supports victims of domestic abuse Getting support in a discreet and safe way has been an ongoing dilemma for victims of domestic violence, but a new option is making its way to the frontline.

Suffolk Police has teamed up with live chat provider Futr, to pilot a revolutionary way to communicate safely with those experiencing abuse.

A national directive to support victims of domestic violence was prompted after statistics from the National Domestic Abuse Helpline showed a 65% increase in calls between April and June 2020, compared to the previous three months.

“UK police forces receive more than 100 calls every hour regarding

domestic abuse, which is only the tip of the iceberg as it is estimated that just 18% of all victims report domestic abuse to the authorities,” explains Rob Jones, assistant chief constable of Suffolk Police.

“A lot of people, especially when anxious or scared, don’t want to speak on the telephone – often in a language that isn’t their first language – to someone they don’t know. Our live chat pilot has instant language translation which enables us to explain people’s options better in their first language.”

The live chat also features safety functions like a quick exit button that leaves no trace of the chat in the browser history.

Fitting in with the National Policing Digital Strategy 2020–30 (which looks to harness the power of digital technologies to protect communities), this pilot saw more in-depth information being shared than in-person or over-the-phone, paving the way for making support more accessible.

Writing | Kat Nicholls happiful.com | Issue 66 | 9

10 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

HEALTH

New album claims to reduce anxiety linked to sleep loss Wouldn’t it be great if we could improve our wellbeing, without needing to schedule extra time into our already packed schedules? A new album could do just that...

Hoping to bridge the gap between music and wellness, the album, Spatial Sleep Music, from awardwinning sound designer and composer Tom Middleton, is the world’s first anxiety-reducing (anxiolytic) spatial audio experience.

Studies have shown that listening to music or sounds spatially may be able to help us process issues including anxiety and stress, while improving our concentration and focus. Recent studies have also shown that this can boost our blood flow, breath, and even how well our nervous system functions.

Talking about his new release, Tom said: “This album was born from a moving conversation about transforming human suffering, which can be caused by anxiety and sleep loss. Sleep is the foundational pillar of health and wellbeing.

Anxiety is a key cause of poor and disrupted sleep, and I wanted to investigate the potential for spatial audio to reduce anxiety.”

If you’re looking to find a way to switch off while dialling up your mental health, it sounds like Spatial Sleep Music could be the dream solution.

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

happiful.com | Issue 66 | 11

Take 5

Relax your mind and take some time to unwind by enjoying a few moments of puzzling fun

Spot the difference

How d i do? V d you i s it t ‘Freeb ies’ se he ction shop. o h to fin appiful.co n d the m a and m nswers, ore!

Keep your eyes peeled for six differences between the two images – can you spot them all?

Riddle me this 1

What has a tongue, but never speaks, and has no legs but sometimes walks?

2

I can be cracked, made, told, and played. What am I?

3

What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters two it?

The

wellbeing wrap NHS workers were surprised with a free ice cream during the heatwave, thanks to several independent bodies and ice cream vans

Tasmania has become one of the first states in the world to go carbon negative

From September, a type of HRT will be available over the counter without a prescription

WhatsApp is launching a new ‘stealth mode’ to allow users more control over their privacy, and who can see when they’re online

ONE OF A KIND Showing that kindness always lives on, Simon Gibson, who passed away in May last year, has left most of his £100 million fortune to charity. The philanthropist, known for driving around in a yellow VW Beetle, also gifted all current and former employees £30,000.

CRYING OVER SPILT MILK? Understanding babies’ cries is not an innate skill, and instead must be learned, a new study in Current Biology has revealed. So, if you’re new to caring for a baby and feel like you’re not on the same wavelength, don’t worry.

Just give it a little time.

Waitrose has become the latest UK supermarket to scrap ‘best before’ dates on produce, following in the footsteps of Marks & Spencer and Tesco. These dates indicate food quality rather than safety, so removing them can encourage less waste in households.

Spellcheck engaged

After an in-depth study of social media platforms, Motive PR has revealed Brit’s 10 most misspelled words, and ‘they’re’ findings might surprise you (that joke pained me!). In the top spot was ‘their’, incorrectly written as there and they’re, followed by ‘you’re’, ‘too’, ‘they’re’, and ‘off’. So, while these aren’t complex or lengthy words, it seems that we’re mixing up our homophones, or slipping up when typing. Time to brush up on our proofreading...

STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOREVER

If you’re a fan of the fruit, we have some good news.

It’s believed that eating strawberries could protect against Alzheimer’s disease by reducing inflammation in the brain, according to an observational study

by Rush University, Chicago. It’s thought that the pelargonidin in these berries is a key anti-inflammatory, but you can also find it in raspberries, plums, and kidney beans. So, eat up!

Building a buzz

In Brighton and Hove, the council set a requirement for all new buildings above 5m to include ‘bee bricks’, as well as bird nesting boxes.

With this renewed focus on environmental protection, will more areas of the UK jump on board, and make supporting wildlife a cornerstone of their development plans? Fingers crossed for what could ‘bee’.

Counting sheep?

Experts at Forbes Advisor have been counting a few more things as well, in an effort to determine which country around the world has the best night’s sleep.

Analysing sleep-related online searches, vs the number of internet users in each location, it suggests those in Turkey are sleeping the most soundly, followed

by Belgium and Norway – with the UK in 13th.

SURF’S UP Combining two powerful wellbeing boosters – blue spaces and four-legged friends – this summer saw the return of the UK’s annual Dog Surfing Championships in Poole, Dorset. With various surf heats, and even a doggy paddleboard race, plus a lot of fun, with attendees and canine characters making a splash, it was an event to get a lot of tails wagging, and leave a lot of hearts full!

What is

wabi-sabi?

What can the imperfections found in nature teach us about our own lives?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

O

n the expansive grounds of Blenheim Palace, Oxfordshire, there stands a very unusual tree. The cedar was first planted when Capability Brown remodelled the landscaped gardens between 1763 and 1774, and it’s still there today, overlooking the lakes and the palace beyond.

14 | Issue XX | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

The tree attracts a lot of attention because it appears to be a fluke of nature. It’s held up by cables attached to nearby trees, its branches crooked and serpentine, and the 20ft diameter trunk is almost entirely hollow. It’s odd, and imperfect, yet visitors flock to it, season after season, because there’s something beautiful about it.

The Japanese have a phrase for the feeling this evokes: wabi-sabi.

A world-view that learns from the imperfect beauty of nature, appreciates the passage of time, and accepts all things in their incomplete and impermanent forms.

Wabi-sabi has its origins in Taoism, between 960–1279, and then was adopted by Zen Buddhism. ‘Wabi’ roughly translates to ‘the elegant beauty of

humble simplicity’, and ‘sabi’ means ‘the passing of time and subsequent deterioration’.

Explained this way, there’s an undeniably melancholic feeling at the heart of wabisabi, just like the hollow tree at Blenheim, but the acceptance and appreciation of transience and imperfection can be empowering, especially in 2022.

“Perfection is an unattainable goal, and its pursuit can lead to feelings of inferiority and shame as we effectively never ‘measure up’,” says life coach Louise Bradshaw. “The stress caused by not achieving perfection, or pushing ourselves to our absolute limits, can lead to burnout, low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety.”

We see this kind of thing presented to us constantly, on

positive pointers

TV, social media, and in adverts trying to convince us that we can buy our way to a perfect life.

But, for many, the pursuit of perfection starts much earlier.

“The roots of perfectionism can be traced back to childhood – beliefs about ourselves and our worth are developed in those formative years,” Louise explains. “If the message that we receive is that we are ‘less than’ in some way, then we may well develop perfectionism as a means to prove our worth.

Equally, if we experience unrealistic expectations growing up, or are subjected to excessive praise, we may feel the need to achieve perfection in order to maintain these conditions.”

These days, many of us are trying our best to be conscious about our impact on the Earth – one key part of that being to reuse and recycle things, to repair what has become worn or broken before swapping it for a newer model. When it comes to nature, we can observe how things weather over time, how living things grow, bloom, and wilt, how they respond to sustenance, and how each example is entirely unique. So,

if we can be so forgiving and accepting of the world around us, isn’t it about time we did the same for ourselves?

By embracing imperfections we give ourselves the gift of freedom “In order to unlearn perfectionism, we must first understand the feeling or core belief about ourselves that we are trying to avoid,” Louise says. “Is it that we don’t feel good enough, worthy, or loveable? Are we trying to please another or avoid feeling inferior? Once we are aware of its origins, then we can practise challenging that belief each and every time we feel the need to ensure something is perfect.”

Louise challenges you to embrace ‘good enough’ rather than perfect, something that might be a challenge at first as your push back against a fear or rejection and shame, but which, in the long run, will help you

move beyond past beliefs, and create new neutral pathways in the mind.

“By embracing imperfections we give ourselves the gift of freedom, to live life on our own terms, and show up as the perfectly imperfect human beings we were meant to be, without the burden of the beliefs and expectations given to us so long ago,” Louise says. “As a reformed perfectionist myself, I can wholeheartedly say that embracing imperfection is one of the most worthwhile things you can do for yourself.”

As humans, we are as much made up of nature as trees, rocks, and soil – all things which evolve and weather with time, and which we accept and celebrate for their ability to do so. So, this is your call to embrace imperfection, after all, it’s only natural.

Louise Bradshaw coaches for confidence, happiness, and success.

Find out more by visiting the Life Coach Directory.

happiful.com | Issue XX | 15

How to deal with retrospective jealousy Is envy over a partner’s past clouding a happy future?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

A

ccording to onlinedoctor.com, in the UK, the average person has seven sexual partners across a lifetime but, whatever your own experience, it’s fair to say that most people will go into a new relationship bringing their own history. So, what happens when the past gets in the way of present happiness?

“Retroactive jealousy is the jealousy of the past, and a series of uncertainties related to the partner’s previous love affairs,” psychologist Barbara Ocello explains. “It manifests in disproportionate jealousy for the partner’s romantic past, often becoming a cause of conflict, hindering the grounds for harmony within the couple.”

As Barbara explains, retroactive jealousy can lead to obsessive, intrusive, and negative thoughts that can encroach on an otherwise happy and healthy relationship, and this risks bringing with it anxiety, anger, and sadness. So, what steps can you take to address these feelings?

16 | Issue XX | happiful.com

relationships

1 Become aware of what you experience

Putting a name to a feeling can really help us start to feel more in control of it, and also allows us to connect with other, similar experiences.

“Sometimes, you can become so overwhelmed by the flow of events that you cannot understand what is really happening,” Barbara explains. “Think about what you are experiencing, name the feelings you have, and think about the images that come to mind.

It may be helpful to write down what is happening, to ‘let out’ the anger and become aware of it.”

When you’re in the throes of retrospective jealousy, the feelings of distress are very real, but trying to take a step back to name and examine it is a gateway to giving yourself permission to move forward.

2 Stay in the present

“A useful strategy to deal with such jealousy is to rationalise feelings and thoughts,” Barbara says. “One way to do this is to think back to your past rather than your partner’s. Look back over your experiences, both good and bad. Think about the times when you felt loved or have loved.

Also, reflect on what you were like in your past relationships.

If it doesn’t take anything away from how you feel in your current relationship, why shouldn’t it be the same for your partner?”

When we’re missing info, it can be easy to fill in the gaps with things that aren’t necessarily grounded in facts. If this is something you find yourself

doing, take a moment to pause and consider where reality ends and intrusive thoughts take over.

For example, Barbara recommends keeping in mind that if your partner ended the relationship with their ex, there must have been problems, and that they have now chosen to stay with you, to build a life together.

3 Try to avoid controlling behaviours

The point at which retrospective jealousy can become a more serious problem is if you begin to act on unfounded feelings. You might then breach trust in the relationship, or be constantly on the lookout for new information about your partner’s past, which will only spur on your fears.

Above all, don’t compete with their ex. After all, if it is over with this person, there must be a reason, right?

“Stop investigating the past by looking for info on social networks, or asking family and friends about previous relationships,” Barbara says. “These are self-destructive behaviours. Don’t nag your partner with questions, and above all, don’t compete with their ex. After all, if it’s over with this person, there must be a reason, right?”

Try to identify whether there are any particular triggers to these behaviours, and then see what

you can do to mitigate them. For example, if you see an ex-partner on your social media feed, and that causes you to spiral, unfollow, mute, or hide their account.

4 Consider what the feelings are telling you

“Admitting the problem is the first step to facing it. However, if the emotions of retroactive jealousy feel too overwhelming, psychotherapy, individual or joint, can help,” Barbara suggests.

There might be more to your feelings than first meets the eye, such as fear of abandonment and rejection, and this is something you may choose to explore further in a supportive environment.

“An individual path will be useful to learn how to manage your emotions, thoughts, and impulses in order to modify your vision of the past, and live in the present,” Barbara continues. “Often, those who suffer from retroactive jealousy have a need for control in a broader sense, so it will be important to learn to let go.”

Approach your feelings with compassion and curiosity, and create a strong foundation to explore the root of your retrospective jealousy, from which you can work on moving forward.

Barbara Ocello is a psychologist and Jungian psychotherapist.

Find out more by visiting the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 17

You know you’ve grown when…

YOU VIEW CHALLENGES AS OPPORTUNITIES

You enjoy going at your own pace You don’t allow the past to dictate your future

You’ve let go of comparison

You will do what’s necessary, though not necessarily what’s easy

You know the value in your own voice and beliefs YOU SPEND TIME REFILLING YOUR CUP 18 | Issue XX | happiful.com

wellbeing

What’s next after a diagnosis of ADHD as an adult?

Long thought to only occur in children, more and more adults are now realising that their daily mental health issues could also be down to attention deficit hyperactivity disorder Writing | Joanne Murphy

W

hen Kat Brown, a freelance journalist, was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) almost two years ago, at the age of 38, she was finally able to find the right treatment after years of battling depression, anxiety, and insomnia.

Like so many of her generation, she had no information about disorders like ADHD, and had relied on food and alcohol as coping mechanisms for most of her life. “It was interesting looking back and going, ‘Oh, well that makes sense,’ and matching things up,” she says.

For a disorder once thought to only occur in children, data shows

that diagnoses of adult ADHD are growing four times faster than among children in the US.

COMING TO TERMS WITH YOUR DIAGNOSIS With information from experts and personal experiences now readily available, more adults are realising that their daily struggles can be explained by a missed diagnosis of ADHD. Adults without proper diagnoses are often given non-specific medications and therapies, which have a minimal impact on ADHD symptoms.

In gathering material for this article, a tweet was sent out asking for people who had been diagnosed as adults to talk

about their experiences. Within 24 hours, there were more than 200 people ready to tell their stories. A common feeling reported following diagnosis, was relief.

One of these people was JohnMichael Aurednik, from West Virginia, who says his diagnosis allowed him to make sense of many things in his life. “Getting diagnosed puts into context every single ‘trivial’ struggle that this disorder contributes to,” he explained.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR ADHD Developing an awareness of how your ADHD affects your life is essential in finding the right treatment, and improving your wellbeing. >>> happiful.com | Issue 66 | 19

officially recognised as an adult condition until 2008. So there is a long way to go.

Developments in the research of ADHD have played a huge role in adult diagnosis, but Professor Faraone also explains how “social, emotional, and intellectual scaffolding” has contributed to late diagnoses.

Resembling the role of temporary structures outside buildings, the scaffolding theory was described by the psychologist Lev Vygotsky as the support we receive from parents and teachers during learning and development.

Increased responsibility in adulthood challenges our emotional and intellectual strengths, and can lead to the exacerbation of ADHD symptoms.

Stephen V Faraone, professor of neuroscience at the State University of New York Upstate Medical University, explains how studies have shown that adults with ADHD frequently struggle to be insightful about their symptoms. Hearing the perspective of those close to you can be beneficial in understanding your symptoms from an outside perspective.

Kat Brown began “taking charge” of her mental health, and researching how to look after herself after her diagnosis, which allowed her to figure out what her life was going to look like moving forward.

20 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

ALLOW YOURSELF TO GRIEVE WHAT COULD’VE BEEN It’s no surprise that those who were diagnosed as adults felt that their life would have been different if they had received an earlier diagnosis. Nevertheless, half of the respondents said that their diagnosis allowed them to offload feelings of guilt and shame as they understood how their ADHD had influenced their experiences.

But the truth is that only 120,000 out of the estimated 1.5 million adults in the UK who have ADHD have received a diagnosis still, and it was not

FINDING THE RIGHT TREATMENT Becoming more aware of your ADHD is the first step after diagnosis, but a care plan will incite change. Professor Faraone says many patients have found medication “essential” in being able to achieve their goals, citing data from The World Federation of ADHD International Consensus Statement.

John-Michael likened his experience with ADHD medication to when “a puzzle piece gets put into place”, and said it helped his anxiety.

Several medications have proved to be effective in reducing symptoms of ADHD, and are often used alongside

wellbeing

ADHD is one piece of a person, and that doesn't define them non-medication treatments – including cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) – which have been shown to be less effective alone, but which appear to help in developing life skills in areas such as self-regulation and planning.

FIND OTHER WAYS TO SUPPORT YOUR ADHD BRAIN Other practices have been reported to improve the general wellbeing of adults with ADHD. Professor Faraone stresses the importance of not “missing the specific treatments for the disorder”, but encourages maintaining a healthy lifestyle because of the all-around benefits.

Pippa Simou, specialist ADHD coach and founder of the ADDvantage specialist ADHD support service, encourages the women she works with to follow an “ADHD-friendly diet”, and to stay hydrated, to improve their symptoms.

She also highlighted the benefits of exercise and nature, which is something other ADHD adults have found valuable. “Being in the natural environment can be soothing and calming,” she says.

While research to back-up the anecdotal benefits of diet, exercise, and meditation on ADHD is ongoing, from a wider perspective, all these things are known to support your overall wellbeing.

Time spent in natural surroundings has been linked to an increased ability to focus in adults with ADHD, according to studies carried out at the University of Illinois by Professor Frances Kuo.

CONNECT WITH OTHER ADULTS WITH ADHD The good news is you can now connect with thousands of ADHD adults in person, and online at the touch of a button.

Pippa started the ADD-vantage support service to help women manage their ADHD. She runs a regular support group (or as she likes to say, “chat group”), workshops, and coaching for women with the disorder.

“There is magic right there in their company. You will learn the things that are going to help you be the best version of yourself,” she says.

The ADHD Foundation, #ADHDwomen on Instagram, and the Reddit ADHD Group, have provided essential support and information for adults diagnosed with the disorder. Many adults value online communities for helping them understand and accept their diagnosis.

CAPITALISE ON YOUR STRENGTHS Having ADHD has its challenges, but that does not make you any less capable of achieving your goals. Examples in many industries show that the right support and management of symptoms helps adults with ADHD to be successful.

Kat Brown has built a career as a journalist, writing for publications such as The Telegraph. She has used apps like Rainforest to focus on tasks, and the Pomodoro Technique for time management.

Adults with ADHD have been shown to embody many creative skills, which boost their wellbeing. Professor Faraone emphasised that it’s important for all people, regardless of having a disorder, to capitalise on their strengths to achieve goals.

“ADHD is only one piece of a person, and that doesn’t define them,” he says.

There is no ‘one trick’ to living life to the fullest as an adult with ADHD. But through a combination of treatments, support networks, and knowledge of the disorder, you can start taking control of how you live your life. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 21

Rest to recover The power of giving yourself a break

Society conditions us to think that we must always keep going, that fortune favours the busy, and to applaud the relentless hustlers. But columnist Grace Victory is here to share the real urgency, and necessity, to cut yourself some slack. This is your rallying call to rest – you deserve it Writing | Grace Victory

R

ecently, I’ve found myself trying to rest, but then immediately telling myself to ‘just’ unload the washing, to ‘just’ put that pile of stuff away, to ‘just’ reply to one last email, to ‘just’ sort out Cyprus’s bag for tomorrow… There’s always just one more thing. My mind tells me to keep going when my body is screaming to just stop.

I think rest is complicated for a lot of us, including myself. It’s not necessarily about feeling as if rest isn’t deserved, but more about believing other things are more important. Or, sometimes, it’s simply the fact that our to-do list is nowhere near finished, and the thought of going to bed to wake up to the shit we ‘should’ve’ done before going to sleep is counter-productive.

Maybe that’s it. Maybe our need to feel productive stops us from being able to slow down.

However, if the past two years have taught me anything it’s that

22 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

resting when needed and when called to do so, is probably one of the most productive things we can do for ourselves.

Within the Western world, we have normalised constantly doing, moving, and working so much that rest, recovery, and rejuvenation is few and far between. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” is a great example of the state of our society, but things are slowly changing – and rightly so. Our wellbeing is in the gutter, we are more burnt out than ever, and if we aren’t in despair at our government, we are in despair at global crises, and you know what? Something simply has to give.

The grind culture isn’t fulfilling us anymore, and working nineto-five with little to show for it doesn’t seem as acceptable as it once did. We want more. We deserve more. We’re demanding more, and I’m here for it.

But I also think we deserve a little more love and compassion

from ourselves, too. We need to recognise that, actually, sleeping five hours a night, skipping breakfast, and binge drinking on the weekend, is taking its toll, and maybe we need to pause, slow down, and stop filling every waking moment with ‘stuff’. That it’s healthy and empowering to have moments within our lives that are quiet, somewhat boring, and unhurried.

I really recommend reclaiming rest and making it something you actually enjoy, because rest looks different for everyone, and different circumstances will require a different form of relaxing, too! Sometimes you just need to forget about everything and go to sleep.

Other times you might only need a break from work, so going on a walk to listen to a podcast with an iced coffee would benefit you better. Maybe it’s a hot bath?

Maybe it’s dropping your kids to your parents house so you can hear yourself think. Maybe it’s

@GRACEFVICTORY

Photograpy | Rebecca Byford

I really recommend reclaiming rest and making it something you actually enjoy, because rest looks different for everyone

slobbing out in front of the TV, ordering a pizza, and watching your fave crime show. Maybe it’s literally sitting in silence and deep breathing. The important thing you need to remember is that whatever you’re doing, it should be filling up your cup, not emptying it.

Rest is how we recover, come home to ourselves, and are able to give and be in service – whether that’s showing up for

our kids, completing our uni work, or stepping into the office.

Without rest we are exhausted, irritable, and unhappy. And look, I know it’s bloody hard sometimes to even get an hour to yourself without someone needing you, or something needing your attention, but what about what you need from you?

Giving yourself some downtime, a quiet moment, and a breather, is so much more beneficial

than constantly pouring into everyone and everything else.

So this is your sign to just slow down a bit more; take some time off if you can, reset and recharge your batteries, and remember that your to-do list, that pile of washing, and that return text message can wait.

The world will not crumble if you put yourself first sometimes. But you will crumble if everyone else always comes before you.

And with that being said, I’m off to drink a giant glass of water and collapse into bed, because it’s 20:52 and mama needs her rest!

Love Grace x

happiful.com | Issue 66 23

We are such stuff as dreams are made on WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE Photography | Marco Xu

24 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

wellbeing

Yoga for low energy When energy reserves are running low, try this yoga flow to restore and replenish Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

E

xercise might not be the first thing you think of when you’re overtired and looking for ways to boost your energy levels – but perhaps it should be.

The science behind this works in a few different ways. Firstly, when you exercise, cellular changes take place inside your body, with the exertion prompting you to produce more mitochondria – often described as the ‘powerhouse of the cell’ – which creates fuel from the food you eat and the air you breathe. This, in turn, increases your energy supply, giving you a boost to keep on going. Beyond that, exercise also increases the oxygen circulation inside your body, plus it triggers the release of endorphins, feelgood chemicals that’ll give you that up-and-at-’em attitude. Of course, finding the motivation to actually move can still be a

challenge. But here’s where yoga comes in…

“Being overtired is a sure sign that the body needs rest, so I would always recommend keeping movement gentle and almost always floor-based,” says yoga teacher Iain Ross. “Often when tiredness or fatigue sets in, forcing yourself into a dynamic physical practice can be counterproductive. At best, you’ll feel totally unmotivated, at worst it can lead to injuries. Listen to your body and respond as necessary.”

Iain’s golden rule is: always let your practice meet you where you are – a sentiment that stresses the importance of listening to your body, and moving in ways that make you

feel good. He recommends focusing less on what you think your practice should look like, and more on what you need from it. “Sometimes that may simply be 10 minutes in a meditation and that’s enough, others it may be some gentle strengthening or perhaps a longer Yin or restorative practice,” he explains. “Let your body guide you into what’s needed, rather than sticking with anything too rigid.”

With all that in mind, if you find yourself low on energy, give this sequence a try. Take it at your own pace, let your intuition guide you, and open your heart to the energising and empowering effects of yoga. >>> happiful.com | Issue 66 | 25

C h i l d’s p o s e

Cat-cow

Over to you Try this yoga sequence, created for you by Iain Ross.

• Seated twists. Sit up tall on the sit bones and let the spine be long as you inhale. As you exhale, place the left hand to the outer right thigh and the right hand behind you as an anchor point. Inhale here, and as you exhale allow your body to move deeper into the twist.

Repeat on the second side, and then flow between the two shapes, using the inhale to bring you through the centre and then exhale to twist.

• Seated side bends. Place the right hand beside you and reach your left hand upwards, as you 26 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

inhale to create length in the side body. On the exhale, bend the right arm to a side bend towards the right. Repeat on the second side, and then flow between these two shapes using the breath. Inhale to come through the centre and exhale to bend.

• Seated heart openers. Inhale to bring your hands into prayer position at the heart centre.

Exhale as you interlace the fingers and push your palms forward. Inhale and raise your hands above your head, keeping the interlace of the fingers if it’s available. Exhale and make a cactus shape with the arms, squeezing you shoulder blades together and

shining the heart up and out.

Inhale to bring hands into prayer, and repeat up to five times.

• Cat-cow. From all fours, inhale into cow pose as the belly drops while the chest and the gaze lift forward and up.

On the exhale move into cat – push through the palms as you round the spine, tucking the chin into the chest and the tailbone under. Flow through these two postures as much as you need, or explore some free movement around your mat.

• Melting heart. From all fours, walk the hands forward as you allow the chest to melt down towards the floor. Keep the hips

wellbeing

Savasana aligned over the knees, and grab a pillow or a block for the head if the ground feels like it’s miles away. Breathe into the space across the front of the chest, bringing the hands wider than shoulder distance if the shoulders are a bit tight.

• Sphinx. From your ‘melting heart’, slide the chest through between the arms so you end up laying on your front, resting on your forearms. Try to align shoulders over elbows to support your weight and gaze forward.

• Child’s pose with side stretches. Bring the knees as wide as the mat and the big toes together to touch while you sit your bum back towards the heels, reaching your hands forward and letting the forehead rest on the mat or a block. Reach the hands to the top right corner of the mat while trying not to lift the left hip, breathing into the left side body. Repeat both sides.

• Optional sun salutation: 1. Upward salute (inhale) 2. Forward fold (exhale) 3. Halfway lift (inhale)

4. Supported plank (exhale) 5. Low cobra (inhale) 6. Downward dog or child’s pose (exhale)

Let your body guide you into what’s needed • Low lunge with heart opener into supported half hanumanasana flow. Find a low lunge with the front knee over the front ankle and the back knee lowered, turning both hips to face the front of the mat. Inhale as you sweep the hands high, then exhale the arms into a cactus shape.

Inhale once more to bring the arms high, then exhale into half splits, bringing hands to the mat as the hips move back and the front leg straightens.

Flow between these two postures three to five times, each time using the inhale to lift the arms.

• Twisted low lunge. Staying in your low lunge, bring both hands to the mat. As you inhale, twist towards the front leg as you peel the hand up towards the sky (e.g. if your right leg is forward in your lunge, you’ll twist towards your right and lift the right hand).

Repeat on the second side.

• Bridge or supported bridge.

Come to a reclined position and bring the heels close in towards the bum, around touching distance from the fingertips.

Inhale as you push through the heels, squeezing the bum to lift the hips high. For a more supported version, place a bolster or a brick under the lower back.

• Savasana. Keep it short and sweet so as not to drift away back into deep relaxation, but allow your body time to settle.

Lay on your back on the mat, either extending the legs long or bringing soles of the feet to the floor (especially if the lower back is at all uncomfortable).

For more from Iain Ross, follow him on Instagram @proud.yoga, or join him for classes at Yoga Hero, Leeds. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 27

Ask the experts

How can we promote equality in mental health?

Counselling therapist Lorraine Ballintine answers your questions on making mental health a priority for all Read more about mental health on the Counselling Directory.

Q

What are some of the key issues driving inequality when it comes to mental health?

A

The lack of awareness, dismissal and underplaying of racism, and how it affects marginalised people and their mental health, continues to

plague our society on multiple levels. Experts advise that mental ill-health has little to do with genetic predisposition, but rather is to do with adverse social circumstances, including racism and hardship.

Denial supports a disparity that is driven by the view there is no issue to be addressed. This is why marginalised groups can sometimes struggle to access

treatment and mental health support as it causes an air of distrust, leading to delays in treatment and support. Black people are 1.3 times more likely than white British people to be receiving mental health care.

I am sure there will be those that disagree, however, there is plenty of evidence out there to support this.

in the access, treatment, and support of mental health.

Race and discrimination as a compulsory module in mental health training could begin the learning and understanding process. Attending a two-hour unconscious bias training course ​​ – however fleetingly useful – just won’t cut it.

Continual open and transparent conversations regarding discrimination should be a priority for all working in mental health.

The world of intersectionality is complex and ever-changing – without continual conversations, our learning and ability to create change can become static and out of touch.

Q What do you believe needs to happen to make a change?

A

We all need to increase our awareness of how racism affects people from marginalised backgrounds, to address racial disparities

Counselling Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Q How can we (on an individual level) support and promote change to make mental health a priority for all?

Lorraine’s top tips for engaging in community care: 1. If you’re a therapist, join a mental health group/ organisation aimed at people of colour who have ally membership – the BAATN is one of them (The Black, African and Asian Therapy Network).

2. Get to know communities outside of your own by attending different events. I, on occasion, push my boundaries by attending sports, arts, and

wellbeing events held outside my immediate community.

It’s fun, and a great way to network.

3. Voluntary work is a good way to engage in community care, and can be as simple as becoming a member of a forum or focus group with minimal commitment, but access to a wealth of learning and understanding.

A

As mentioned previously, the research is out there, with plenty of knowledgeable individuals, experts, and organisations doing the groundwork with regard to diversity, equality, and inclusion.

This is more than just an area of interest if we speak in terms of our society ​​– it is our individual responsibility to ensure we continually refresh our understanding of society’s ever-changing landscape, to best support wellbeing for all.

happiful.com | Issue 66 | 29

Empty nest syndrome: how to unruffle your feathers and spread your wings We explore the signs of empty nest syndrome and how you can manage this big life transition Writing | Kat Nicholls

R

aising children and being a parent sets us up on a rollercoaster of emotions.

One minute you’re feeling the joy and pride of seeing them thrive, the next you’re filled with worry, doubt, and frustration as they veer wildly off-track. A lot can be said about parenting… but no one can say it’s a boring endeavour.

Throughout the journey, there are a number of transitions. One that may take you by surprise is the day your child(ren) leaves home and, suddenly, you’re alone again.

“Some parents may find the departure of their child to school or university a relief, time to get their space back, and get on with the goals they’ve been holding back on during the years of

30 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

parenting,” life coach Geraldine Macé explains. “For some, however, it leaves a big empty space that they have no idea how to fill – an empty nest.”

Empty nest syndrome is a term used to describe the grief, anxiety, and sadness some parents and caregivers feel at this time. Here are some signs to look out for:

Loss of purpose A feeling some empty nesters may resonate with is being ‘redundant’. Geraldine notes, “Parents may be feeling incredibly sad with a loss of focus, spending hours on their own thinking back to the times they had with their child.

Sometimes that can be with a

sense of regret for the things that they did or didn’t do while their child was at home.”

Becoming a parent or caregiver changes your life in a huge way, often having an impact on your sense of identity. So it makes sense that, once you don’t have kids in the house to look after, you may feel a little lost.

Languishing Some empty nesters may also feel generally ‘off’, noticing a lack of motivation. Perhaps you think you should feel exhilarated now that you have more time to dedicate to yourself but, instead, you struggle to focus and lack

relationships

Relationship conflict Raising a family will likely have an impact on your romantic relationship, so it may take a little getting used to once the nest is empty. If you live with a partner, and the two of you are now alone, you may find yourself navigating some new territory as you remember what it’s like to be a couple away from the kids. This may bring about some arguments, especially if you have different ideas about how you should be spending your time. Remember, people can react to the same situation in different ways.

the energy to do what you used to. The term languishing is used to articulate this sense of listlessness.

Using numbing techniques “Other signs to look out for are using things to distract themselves so that they don’t have to think about how they feel, such as with food, drink, shopping, watching TV, gaming, or exercise,” Geraldine says. If you’re trying to distract yourself from the difficult emotions you’re feeling, this could be a sign of empty nest syndrome.

Restlessness For some parents and caregivers, having an empty nest paves the

way for some true relaxation, however, those experiencing empty nest syndrome may find this a struggle. Instead of being able to switch off, empty nesters may find themselves worrying about their child(ren) excessively, and unable to concentrate.

More emotional There are a range of feelings that can come up during this time, so you may notice your emotions are close to the surface. “As parents try to negotiate this transition, they may find themselves feeling more emotional than normal,” Geraldine explains. “Tears come readily, or they may find that they get angry more easily.”

How to navigate empty nest syndrome If you recognise these signs, know you’re not alone in how you’re feeling. “It’s important for parents to know that, whatever they are feeling, it is a perfectly normal and natural reaction to what is a huge change,” Geraldine says. It can be easy to compare our experiences with others, whether that be our partners or friends who have gone through it, but Geraldine explains that this wouldn’t be the best idea.

“We are all unique and individual in the way we experience loss and change, so comparing ourselves to others in the same situation would not be helpful.” >>> happiful.com | Issue 66 | 31

Make a plan, set some new goals, visit some new places, learn something new – now is the time to concentrate on you!

Instead, Geraldine says it can help to focus on self-care. “I would say, above all, that parents try to be kind to themselves during this transition. Look after themselves as they would their own best friend in the same situation.”

Take this time to focus on you, ensuring you’re keeping up with any wellness routines you have in place, such as exercising and prioritising sleep. If you’re finding it hard to get stuck into the hobbies and interests you once had, start slow. Take small steps forwards, and acknowledge that it may take time to feel ‘back to normal’.

Bringing awareness to how you’re feeling is also a helpful tool to manage the transition. “If they feel sad, many parents try just to get on with things as normal, and stuff their emotions down, but it’s OK not to feel OK,” Geraldine explains.

“There are some parents that feel a sense of freedom when their children leave, and then feel guilty. Whatever feelings come up, it’s important to acknowledge them and allow them to be there.

It can really help to do some journaling around how they feel at this time. Also, although sharing how they feel with others 32 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

might feel a bit scary, most close friends and family will welcome the chance to offer support.”

Acknowledging how you feel and finding a way to process it is key. This may be journaling, speaking with friends, or even working with a professional.

Finally, Geraldine suggests making a plan and setting some goals to regain a sense of direction. “Any kind of transition can bring up feelings of uncertainty and loss, but taking some kind of action can help bring a sense of control.

Make a plan, set some new

goals, visit some new places, learn something new – now is the time to concentrate on you!”

Empty nests may seem like lonely places, but perhaps they can offer the space you need to spread your own wings.

Ready to set some goals? Learn more about Geraldine Macé’s work and how coaching can help on the Life Coach Directory.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

5 TOP TIPS

to help you stop snoring

If a silent night sounds like a pipe dream, we have the secrets to help. Whether it’s disrupting your slumber, or causing a restless night for loved ones, here are five ideas to try to help stop snoring in its tracks Writing | Rebecca Thair

1. Swap your sleep position

When lying on your back, gravity will naturally draw the base of your tongue and soft palate towards the back of your throat, which can result in a vibrating snore. Avoid this by sleeping on your side where possible – if you struggle to stay in one position, perhaps try a body pillow to give you more support.

2. Avoid alcohol

Even those who aren’t usually prone to snoring may find they do after a few late-night drinks.

This is because alcohol relaxes our muscles, and brain, which can result in the throat muscles feeling obstructed, or needing to inhale more deeply to draw in oxygen as we sleep. It’s advised to avoid drinking alcohol around four to five hours before bed to help counter this.

3. Develop good sleep hygiene When we’re overtired, which could be due to burning ourselves out and working too hard, we

might find that we’re suddenly snoring more when we do hit the hay. This can be because overtiredness causes more relaxed muscles, like with alcohol, and so trying to enforce healthy habits throughout the day, and taking care of yourself by setting boundaries and utilising self-care, can help to counteract this.

4. Take a hot shower

Constricted nasal passages can be a cause of snoring too, so opening these up with the steam from a nice hot shower or bath before bed could ease your breathing overnight. You could also try nasal strips as an alternative, or make sure you’ve blown your nose to keep airways as clear as possible.

5. Change your sheets

Allergens and dust can cause our airways to constrict or become irritated, so it’s important to try to wash your bedding once a week, and give your bedroom a good dusting regularly. It could be worth changing your pillows if

you particularly struggle at night and currently have feather ones, in case this is prompting mild allergy symptoms for you as well.

Remember, if you’re worried about your snoring, or it’s becoming a bigger issue, speak to a doctor to rule out any deeper issues and get support. We all deserve a restful night, so it’s time not to sleep on snoring. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 33

What to eat to

soothe anxiety Food has the ability to transform our wellbeing – so here’s how to use it Writing | Uta Boellinger

F

rom meditation and mindfulness tools, including classes and apps, to a broader offering of therapies, and a wide variety of courses involving movement such as yoga – there’s a lot on offer when it comes to effectively soothing anxiety.

However, one key topic has not had as much publicity, even though it plays a crucial role in our mental health and mood, as well as providing the foundation for our body to function and restore balance.

After creating and delivering numerous presentations on the link between nutrition and mental health, I really felt so passionate about this subject and it has now become a major part of my clinical practice. So, to give you an idea of how powerful food can be when it comes to mental health, I will share my top tips on what to eat to soothe anxiety.

1. Healthy fats Healthy fats, such as omega 3, are crucial for brain function, and are strongly linked to our mental health. Research shows that an imbalance of omega 3 and 34 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

omega 6 fats can increase our risk of developing mood disorders.

To help restore balance, try to include three portions of oily fish in your diet per week – such as salmon, mackerel, anchovies, sardines, and herring.

While oily fish are the best food source of omega 3 fats available, you can also include shelled hemp seeds, ground or soaked flax/linseed, and soaked chia seeds on a daily basis. These are an excellent source of omega 3, as well as protein, fibre, and other beneficial nutrients. You can sprinkle these over salads, stir them into porridge or overnight oats.

Also, try to limit processed foods made with sunflower or corn oil (crisps, biscuits, chocolates, cakes, and many ready meals), as these are particularly high in omega 6 fats.

2. Tryptophan The amino acid L-Tryptophan is a crucial precursor of serotonin, our happy hormone. While serotonin also has many other functions in the body, it is best known for its role in stabilising our mood. Without enough

tryptophan, the body can’t make adequate amounts of this essential hormone.

To ensure you get plenty of tryptophan in your diet try to get at least 1g of protein per kilogram of body weight each day. Getting adequate protein is one of the best ways to cover your tryptophan needs, and remember to always eat protein with carbohydrates (from vegetables, fruit, or whole grains) as the body can only properly utilise tryptophan when consumed with carbs. This is because carbs are needed in order for tryptophan to cross the bloodbrain barrier, and be converted to serotonin. I often see clients who report chronic low moods and increased anxiety when trying to lose weight on a very low-carb diet. Some foods, which are particularly high in tryptophan, to add into your meal rotation are turkey, oats, nuts, seeds, bananas, and cherries.

3. Magnesium Otherwise known as ‘nature’s chill pill’ (among nutritionists), magnesium aids relaxation and helps to regulate neurotransmitters. A 2017 review

food & health

There’s a lot on offer when it comes to effectively soothing anxiety that looked at 18 different studies found that magnesium did reduce anxiety. The studies looked at mild anxiety, anxiety during premenstrual syndrome, postpartum anxiety, and generalised anxiety. Including plenty of magnesium-rich foods is important not just for anxiety, but also helps build stress resilience, and improves sleep quality. To meet your daily needs, I recommend the following: include at least one portion of leafy greens each day. Spinach, kale, chard, and dark leafy salad leaves are all good sources. Add these into soups and stews, make a side salad or put them in your smoothie. Other good sources of magnesium to include regularly are nuts (especially almonds), avocado, dark chocolate, and bananas.

4. Blood sugar balance A growing body of evidence suggests a relationship between mood and blood-sugar. Symptoms of low blood sugar can mirror anxiety’s symptoms or worsen existing anxiety.

Shakiness, fast heart rate, irritability, nausea, difficulty concentrating, and panic are all shared symptoms.

To keep blood sugar levels stable and avoid exacerbating anxiety, follow these tips: include plenty of fibre with all your meals (from veggies and wholegrains); always include a source of protein with every meal and snack, and limit processed sugar and carbs; and try to eat roughly around the same time each day, plus stick to main meals and one snack.

dopamine and gaba, which are critical for mood, anxiety, concentration, reward, and motivation. Research shows that if your microbiome is not balanced (something scientists call dysbiosis), the bacterial activities can have a negative impact on our mental health. To look after your gut, be sure to eat plenty of fibre, moderate sugar, avoid artificial sweeteners, and include probiotic food such as live yoghurt, kefir, kombucha, sauerkraut, and kimchi on a regular basis.

5. Feed your microbiome Your gut microbiome is a collection of trillions of bacterial cells located largely in the colon.

It is directly connected to the brain. Your gut bacteria produce many neurotransmitters such as

Uta Boellinger is a registered nutritional therapist and lecturer. To find out more visit the Nutritionist Resource. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 35

The meaning of dreaming Teeth falling out your mouth and stumbling walks... what can our dreams tell us about ourselves? And how can we learn to interpret them?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

H

uman’s have been searching for the meaning of dreams for a very, very long time. In fact, the Babylonian Dream Tablet offers a series of dream interpretations – including “If he carries beer in the street his heart will be glad. If he carries water in the street his sins will be forgiven” – and dates all the way back to about the 15th century B.C. Beyond that, dreams appear in everything from myths to religious texts, literature, art, and psychology, as for millennia people have tried to figure out what our nighttime creations were trying to tell us.

The latest science has some theories. In a 2021 study by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, results found that 53.5% of dreams were traced back to a memory, and nearly

36 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

50% of reports with a memory source were connected to multiple past experiences. What’s more, the study also found that 25.7% of dreams were related to specific impending events, and 37.4% of dreams about the future were also related to one or more memories of past experiences.

With that in mind, what can these dreams tell us about ourselves, and our wellbeing?

Here are some clues…

A window to our minds

“I believe dreams offer us a little window into the mysteries of the psyche and subconscious mind,” says Rhian Kivits, a psychodynamic therapist and sex and relationship expert. “What’s normally unseen is able to be seen, in such a fascinating and vibrant way. I believe that when

we remember our dreams, there may be something powerful to be learned from their signs and symbols through dream analysis.

Perhaps a wise inner part of ourselves is speaking? If this is the case, it feels important to me to listen.”

Rhian points to how our dreams can help us to process things, something that tends to occur in REM sleep, where we have our most vivid dreams. During this time, the region of the brain responsible for functions including self-awareness, inhibition, and emotional control – known as the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex – closes down.

The result is a period of time where our emotions can be explored without boundaries.

“I believe dreams help us work through and organise >>>

xxxxxxxxxxxx

happiful.com | Issue 66 | 37

What’s normally unseen is able to be seen, in such a fascinating and vibrant way information about past memories and present situations that we may not have the capacity to consciously or fully process in our busy, waking lives,” Rhian explains.

“Since they can be highly detailed, colourful, and packed with emotion, dreams can make an intense impression upon us.

I’ve certainly noticed that I can relate aspects of my own dreams to dilemmas in my life in an extremely helpful way. Although science can’t confirm exactly why we dream or what our dreams mean, clients who share my belief that dreams have meaning find dream analysis supportive.”

Catch feelings

When it comes to dream interpretation, there’s no rule book that can tell you a definitive answer. Instead, Rhian suggests that you should consider the feeling of the dream, and what that might tell you about your current wellbeing.

“For example, if you feel happy and excited during the dream, then I believe it could be offering 38 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

a positive message of hope and expectation,” she says. “If you feel desperate and sad, perhaps you’re processing anxiety or something heavy.”

Consider a dream about your teeth falling out. It’s a common dream – in fact, according to a study published in Frontiers in Psychology, 39% of the population have had it. It’s unlikely that all those people are about to go through the same, very specific thing (for example, you’re about to ‘reach a turning point in your life’, as dream dictionaries might claim), and more likely to be that our teeth falling out is an unpleasant experience in our society, and the image is triggered by real life anxiety.

Journaling is a great way to tune-in to this kind of dream interpretation. Over time, you might be able to pick up on themes in your dreams – do particular dreams, for example, tend to crop up when you’re going through periods of anxiety? What can the feelings of your dreams tell you about

you? Do you dream of situations where you respond in a certain way, and what does that tell you about the real, waking life you?

Up for interpretation

“I believe that we each know ourselves far better than anyone else ever could, and that the signs and symbols in our dreams are highly personal and unique,” says Rhian, when we ask her for tips on making sense of your dreams. “So, the first piece of advice I’d offer is to trust your own interpretations rather than rely on the internet or books.

“Keeping a dream diary next to your bed can be useful, so that you can make a note of your dreams as soon as you wake up, because your memories can fade and you can forget important details once you’ve started the day.

“You don’t have to write out a long narrative of each dream – you could mind map, draw images, or simply list out a few key words to remind you of the content of the dream.”

Rhian adds that you can also make a note of a few key questions, like: how did this dream make me feel? What were the most prominent features? Who were the main players? What could I see, hear, smell, taste, or touch in this dream, and what was my

the sleep guide

response? And can I relate this dream to something specific in my past or present?

“I believe we often see metaphorical information in our dreams,” she continues. “Just say, for example, a significant person appears in your dream. It may not be that the dream is telling you something about this specific person, but it may be more about what they represent to you. You might dream about making more sales than a colleague at work, but rather than the dream being literal or predictive, perhaps you’re exploring your competitive nature or processing some stress

related to how hard you’ve been working recently.”

At this point, Rhian dishes out a warning not to take our dreams too literally. We really don’t have all the answers when it comes to what our dreams may or may not be telling us, and we should try not to let them intrude on our waking lives. For example, if you dream about your partner being unfaithful, when all the while they were sleeping soundly next to you, try not to give them the cold shoulder in the morning.

Noting the dream down in a dream journal and questioning why it might have cropped up,

and how it makes you feel, is a much more productive avenue.

Dream on

The inside of your mind is a complex place, and so it makes sense that the answers to its deepest mysteries aren’t something you can read off a list someone else has made. Our dreams are a deeply personal thing, no one theory or interpretation will apply to all of us. But, on a mission to untangle our nighttime sojourns, we could uncover a whole lot more about our wellbeing, our character, and the people we are when we’re wide awake. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 39

Happiful recommends

From connecting with nature to a film about a rock ‘n’ roll legend, and a podcast that’ll inspire you to make a change, try something new with our enriching suggestions Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

3

1

PAGE-TURNERS You Need To Hear This: 365 Days Of Silly, Honest Advice You Need Right Now by Chronicle It’s the pocket-sized agony aunt you never knew you needed, and this trusty book comes with 365 pieces of advice, affirmations, and jokes for your everyday conundrums. It’ll help to keep you grounded when anxiety strikes, or just provide you with a chuckle when you need it the most.

(Chronicle Books, £12.99)

2

ACT OF KINDNESS

Regift your Happiful magazine Are you guilty of throwing away your magazines once you’ve finished reading them? If so, try passing on the kindness by dropping off a magazine to your nearest and dearest, or offer to donate it to a local salon or doctor’s surgery so they can make use of it in the waiting rooms. That way, your magazine can be enjoyed by others over and over again – and remember Happiful is recyclable!

4

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘The Climate Question’ How can oceans help us capture carbon? How does climate change affect our mental health? These are just a few of the questions discussed by BBC specialists in this informative podcast about climate change. If you’re worried about the planet, and have questions that you want answered, give this a listen.

(Available on all platforms)

OUT AND ABOUT

Make a pine cone bird feeder There can be less food on the ground for birds to feed on during autumn, but, fortunately, September is the month that pine cones start to fall. Use this opportunity to connect with nature and make a pine cone bird feeder for your feathered friends. Head outdoors and select your pine cone, then simply spread peanut butter over the scales and dip or roll it in bird seed.

(Visit countryhillcottage.com for more inspiration) 40 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

5

PLUGGED-IN

Tales of Eleanor If you’re looking to break free from a heavy news cycle, meet the hedgehog who’s injecting Instagram with doses of positivity, one paw at a time.

The wholesome, hand-drawn illustrations explore the daily struggles of a hedgehog, each with their own reminder to slow down and take a moment.

(Follow @talesofeleanor)

culture

6

LESSON LEARNED

Take your unwanted clothes to your nearest H&M If you make some more space in your wardrobe, or have a good closet declutter, simply take a bag of your unwanted clothes to your nearest H&M to partake in their recycling scheme. You’ll even be rewarded with £5 off your next shop when you spend a minimum of £25, to help you save money and live more sustainably, one step at a time. (Visit hm.com for more)

9

SQUARE EYES

7

TECH TIP-OFFS

CoastSnap CoastSnap is the innovative environmental app that requires you to take repeat photos of the coast, to help scientists monitor changes over time in order to protect the coastline. Next time you’re by the sea, take a moment to snap some photos. You’ll be contributing to life-changing research.

(Available on the App Store)

8

GET GOING

Hot yoga Hot yoga is the art of practising yoga and meditation under humid conditions in a studio room.

The heat makes the class more challenging compared to a typical yoga session, encouraging you to work up a sweat (quite literally) and breathe deeper, all while improving your flexibility. (Visit hotpodyoga.com to find classes near you)

Wax Drops | loaf.com

Elvis Electrifying and eye-opening, we are all shook up about this one! The biopic follows the life of the legendary king of rock ‘n’ roll and his 20-year journey to stardom. Beyond the success and world-wide influence, it delves deep into the mismanagement that Elvis suffered at the hands of his manager, Colonel Tom Parker.

(Available to watch on Amazon Prime Video)

10

TREAT YOURSELF

Loaf candles We all have a certain smell that has the ability to transport us to our favourite childhood memory, and with Loaf’s Smelly Wax Drops, you get exactly that! From summer holidays to granny’s garden, the vegan-friendly mineral and vegetable waxes invoke the happiest of memories that will help you channel your inner zen. (£20 for a mix pack of six, loaf.com)

WIN A MIXED PACK OF WAX DROPS FROM LOAF For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com What is the most popular candle scent in the UK? a) Vanilla b) Lavender c) Gingerbread *Competition closes 31 October 2022.

UK mainland and Northern Ireland only.

Good luck! T&Cs apply. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 41

Sleep is the best meditation DALAI LAMA Photography | Andalucia Andaluia

42 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

the sleep guide

Natural sleep support

Science-backed ways to help you sleep soundly With research showing almost three quarters of us don’t get enough sleep, how can we stop tossing and turning and start sleeping soundly? Here, we uncover the best natural sleep support techniques that are proven to work Writing | Jenna Farmer

W

hether it’s scrolling on TikTok or your mind racing at 3am, many of us struggle with sleep. In fact, research by Bed SOS has found that half of us don’t think we get enough sleep, and 20% of us feel exhausted the next day.

But it’s not just about the amount of sleep we get; the quality of our sleep is essential, too. In the UK, 25% of adults feel fretting about money impacts their sleep, and 37% said work leaves them feeling less in control of their sleep. With so much going on in our lives, it’s no wonder our sleep can suffer, but it’s important to prioritise it where you can – the health

benefits of sleep are vast, helping support our immune system, our mental health, and even keeping our heart healthy. Let’s explore some natural ways that you can support your sleep that are all scientifically backed.

1. Ditch the caffeine

Caffeine is known for stimulating the brain, which makes it great when you need to get through your morning meeting, but less helpful if you’re trying to drift off to sleep. While you don’t have to go caffeine-free, coffee can help you stay alert up to four to six hours after drinking it, which is why most experts recommend avoiding it in the evening, with one study finding that 400mg >>>

Ditch the caffeine

happiful.com | Issue 66 | 43

other room, and reading a book in bed instead. It’s thought the blue light from your phone screen can interfere with the sleep-hormone, melatonin, as well as making you more alert as you scroll online and take in information.

When we use our phone in bed, not only are we likely to get less sleep (if our phone keeps us busy), but we also reduce the amount of REM sleep – the stage of sleep when we vividly dream.

“For many people, technology has crept into the bedroom, making the bed a place of work, entertainment, eating, etc. It equates the bed with lots of activities other than sleep,” says clinical hypnotherapist Geraldine Joaquim. “Use your bed just for sleep, as you want your brain to associate it with sleep, not scrolling social media and watching TV.”

Log off before you hit the pillow

Use your bed just for sleep, as you want your brain to associate it with sleep, not scrolling social media and watching TV of caffeine (which you’ll find in around four cups) consumed up to six hours before bed significantly disrupts sleep.

However, not everyone is as sensitive. “Everyone is different when it comes to caffeine; some of us can drink tea and coffee in the evenings and still get a normal night’s sleep, while others may need to limit caffeine intake from the afternoon onwards,” advises Sophie Medlin, consultant 44 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

Choose the right workout dietitian at City Dietitians. If you fall into the latter camp, it could be worth swapping your coffee for a non-caffeine alternative, such as herbal tea or chicory root coffee.

2. Log off before you hit the pillow

Finding a bedtime routine that’s phone-free could be worth trying – even if it’s leaving your phone in the

3. Choose the right kind of workout

A workout gives you energy, so many think it’s best to do first thing rather than before bed, as we don’t want a burst of energy right before we turn in. However, that’s not always the case. Research published in Sports Medicine has found that exercising before bed helps us get to sleep faster and sleep more deeply, as long as you don’t do high intensity exercise (such as circuits). Something like yoga is ideal and has been proven to help reduce stress and, as a result, improve sleep.

the sleep guide

of sleepy hormone melatonin), and nutrients such as magnesium and B Vitamins,” says Sophie. If you’re dairyfree, it could be worth trying a nut-based milk, since nuts have also been linked to melatonin production.

harder to get a good night’s sleep.

In fact, studies, including one published in the American Journal of Gastroenterology, have found that those who go to sleep less than three hours after dinner, significantly increase their odds of reflux.

6. Avoid foods high in G.I.

Finally, don’t forget that mindfulness is important at all parts of the day, including evenings. “There’s no one-sizefits-all solution, but there are a range of tools that people can use, from gratitude journals to relaxation audios,” says clinical hypnotherapist Geraldine Joaquim, who also runs the online programme How to Sleep Well. “The more you practise calming activities – like gratitude journaling or meditation – the less sensitive your stress response is, and over time there’s a physical response to your brain.”

There’s no magic solution for everyone to get a restful night’s sleep, but working on adding the right food and drink to your diet, along with mindful practices and screen-free time, can make a real difference to both the quantity and quality of your sleep.

Eat foods high in fibre

4. Try magnesium

Magnesium is a mineral that’s vital for nerve and muscle function – and is often recommended to help relieve cramps by relaxing muscles. According to the Sleep Foundation, research has shown magnesium can help the body relax and improve insomnia, which may be because it helps regulate the neurotransmitters that are related to sleep.

“Magnesium has been shown to help maintain the release of GABA, a neurotransmitter that aids relaxation – it improves the quality of sleep, as well as helping you doze off in the first place,” says Sophie.

5. Drink a glass of milk before bed

Having a glass of milk before you go to sleep may actually help you sleep better. “Dairy foods have been shown to aid sleep, as they’re a great source of tryptophan (an amino acid that’s involved in the production

As we want to make sure our blood sugar is balanced before bed, it’s important to opt for choices that are low in the glycaemic index. “Foods with a high glycaemic index, like wheat bread, sweets, and sugary drinks, will rapidly increase blood sugar levels and may contribute to a worse night’s sleep,” explains Sophie. This may also be why eating a fibrefilled snack before you hit the hay could help, too. “Increased fibre intake has been linked to improved sleep quality, and this is thought to be due to its impact on sugar absorption.”

Finally, don’t forget that mindfulness is important at all parts of the day, 7. Don’t eat right before bed

Is there anything actually wrong with tucking into your dinner right before bed? Well, there’s not one definite answer, but there is concern around indigestion and reflux, which can make it

8. Build mindfulness into your evening routine

Sophie Medlin is a dietitian and director of City Dietitians. Visit the Nutritionist Resource.

Geraldine Joaquim is a hypnotherapist. Head to the Hypnotherapy Directory to find out more. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 45

Falling for you

Simple and cute autumn date ideas, whether it’s one-on-one time with the one you love, a catch-up with your best bud, or some much-needed ‘me-time’

Chance for romance

Fun with friends

Quality you-time

Go pumpkin picking

Try pumpkin carving

Go apple picking

Get chatty on an adventure hike

Host a games night

Bake up a seasonal storm

Go on a group bike ride

Take a sunset stroll and soak in the view

Go thrift shopping Cuddle up at drive-in movie Attend a fireworks display Make s’mores together

Play a game of rounders Grab the popcorn for a scary movie Enjoy a ‘bring your own platter’ party

Make a date with a new book at a local cafe Go horseback riding Get stuck into a jigsaw puzzle

Hold hands at a haunted house

Have a nostalgic sleepover

Head to a farmers’ market

Go to a bonfire night

Road trip somewhere random

Belt out some karaoke

Volunteer with a cause close to your heart

Join in a pub quiz

Try a wreath-making class

Build a blanket fort

Get crafty and express yourself

Sleep beneath the stars camping 46 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

Enjoy a peaceful picnic at a local park

Happiful reads...

From a rescue dog’s heartwarming tale to learning how to navigate a good night’s sleep, we share four books you won’t want to miss Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

D

ogs are known as being ‘man’s best friend’, and for good reason.

The life-enhancing nature of our furry companions is scientifically proven to have a positive effect on our wellbeing. This was certainly the case for Tess Swan, whose Carpathian/Mioritic shepherd cross named Kratu changed her life.

Incredible Kratu: The Happy-go-lucky Rescue Dog Who Changed His Owner’s Life by Tess Eagle Swan & Lynne Barrett-Lee Out now

Incredible Kratu is the moving biography about the powerful bond between the legendary Cruft superstar and his owner. From drug addiction to violence, Tess survived a series of traumatic events and was ready to give up, until she was inspired

to adopt a rescue dog from Romania. She had no idea that Kratu would also be the one to help her through a journey of self-discovery, while being diagnosed with autism.

If In Doubt, Wash Your Hair by Anya Hindmarch Out now If you’ve ever found yourself struggling to balance family life and the demands of a career, this is for you. Comforting and refreshingly honest, the businesswoman and mother of five draws on her own experience to create this practical guide full of tips and advice on how to live a less stressful and more fulfilling life.

Teach Yourself to Sleep: An Exinsomniac’s Guide

by Kate Mikhail Out now When you have insomnia, trying to fall asleep and stay asleep is often unimaginable. Fortunately, there are sleep experts who can help you achieve a good night’s rest. Kate Mikhail has spent years trying to find an answer to her sleep dilemmas, and she is now enlightening us with her tried and tested methods.

Book covers | amazon.co.uk

Must reads The Unhoneymooners

by Christina Lauren Out now Honeymoons are reserved for happy newlyweds, not for two people who hate each other, right? Olive’s worst enemy happens to be the best man at her identical sister’s wedding, and an unlucky turn of events causes them to go on her sister’s honeymoon together. Will it be the holiday from hell, or the get-away that changed it all?

happiful.com | Issue 66 | 47

Sleep paralysis explained

What exactly is it, why does it happen, and what can we do about this mysterious sleep condition?

I

t’s the sleep condition that comes with a lot of fear attached, but what exactly is sleep paralysis? Well, it can be identified as a brief loss of muscle control, known as ‘atonia’, which makes you feel as though you are not able to move. This tends to happen just after falling asleep, or as you begin to wake, and it can fall into two categories: isolated (when the episodes are not regular, and are not linked to another underlying diagnosis) and recurrent sleep paralysis, which involves multiple episodes over a period of time.

An estimated 75% of people who experience sleep paralysis will also have hallucinations, which might feel different to, and more intense than, typical dreams.

Generally, hallucinations during sleep paralysis fall into one of three categories: intruder hallucinations, where you might perceive danger or an unwanted presence; chest pressure hallucinations,

48 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

where you may feel like you are suffocating; and vestibular-motor hallucinations, which can feel like movement, or an out-of-body sensation.

But what causes sleep paralysis in the first place? We asked Dr David Oyewole, consultant psychiatrist and medical director at Nightingale Hospital. “Sleep paralysis happens more frequently than commonly thought,” he says. “Some studies have shown about 30% of people have experienced at least one episode of sleep paralysis. In the general population though, it is thought to be closer to 8% having experienced an episode.

“People experience sleep paralysis when they become ‘partially awake’ while asleep. To explain, when in a stage of sleep associated with dreaming (rapid eye movement, or REM), the brain normally switches off, or reduces the ability of the body to move.

“However, some people become awake before the brain

switches the body back to normal movement. If that happens, one then experiences being awake but not being able to move, which can understandably feel quite scary.”

There is a lot of fear around sleep paralysis, not least due to the fact it crops up in horror films – which are bound to keep you up at night, anyway. But the good news is that, as long as it doesn’t cause significant health problems, sleep paralysis is usually classified as a benign condition. That said, it can still affect your overall wellbeing.

You might start to develop anxiety around sleeping, which can then lead to poor quality sleep, in turn affecting your health when you don’t wake up feeling rested.

So, what can cause sleep paralysis, and what can you do to help prevent it?

“It is known that stress and emotional challenges can increase the chances of sleep paralysis, as well as eating, drinking alcohol or coffee, or exercising just before

the sleep guide

bedtime,” Dr Oyewole explains.

“Good sleep hygiene (such as prioritising sleep, sticking to a routine, and staying active throughout the day) will help minimise your chances of being affected by sleep paralysis.

“Avoid drinking alcohol or caffeine, eating, or exercising for four hours before bed. There’s also evidence to suggest you should avoid sleeping on your back.”

Having said this, Dr Oyewole notes that you should speak to a mental health professional to

address any potential underlying problems, though he adds that many people who do experience sleep paralysis, tend only to have it for a limited time, and it often clears up without the need for professional intervention.

“Any mental health problem can increase the risk of sleep paralysis, but anxiety, PTSD, and obstructive airway sleep apnoea may be linked more than other conditions,” he adds. “It isn’t thought that sleep paralysis causes mental health problems, but more an indicator that there may be some already present.”

Although, if sleep paralysis is causing anxiety around sleeping, Dr Oyewole recommends taking time to understand what is happening physically in the body. If it becomes recurrent, however, you should speak to your GP. “Being referred to a specialist, and then assessing or treating any underlying mental health disorder, is likely to be the next step and helpful in overcoming sleep paralysis,” he says. “A few people may need to see a specialist for their sleep paralysis, but be wary of unproven treatments or self-help methods that one can just find on the internet.”

So, while it’s not caused by ghosts or ghoulies, and most experiences are far too boring to warrant horror film-level reactions, if you’re troubled by sleep paralysis, reach out. Take some time to consider your overall wellbeing, and what you can do to support a strong foundation of self-care in your daily life. With time, you should be able to put this sleep condition to bed. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 49

Down to Earth

Explore the glory of gardening, and how it can help sow the seeds of wellness Writing | David Bone

I

t was May 2022. My first batch of parsnip seeds failed to germinate because it was too cold.

Slugs had eaten the first leaves of the runner beans that I had planted two weeks before. The courgettes had suffered the same fate. My plans for the year were wrecked by a seemingly unsympathetic nature. Welcome to the world of gardening for absolute beginners! It’s good for you, honestly.

I was 35 when I got a garden.

I possessed only a rudimentary knowledge of plants, seasons (plant in spring, harvest in autumn), and crop rotation, but was keen to learn more and to experiment, knowing that failure would occur. And indeed it did.

Repeatedly.

Some of my thoughts were surreal. In my mind I could bargain with the ‘King of Slugs’, and provide him with a humble offering of a broccoli plant that would satiate his kind, allowing me to harvest the rest of my produce in relative peace. He betrayed my trust in what turned

50 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

out to be a Faustian bargain, and he also allied himself with the cabbage butterflies to further wreak havoc on my small, defenceless, vegetable kingdom.

However, each disaster brought me back to the drawing board.

Some issues such as yellowing (under- or over-watering, or a lack of nutrients) or infestation can be identified. But in a similar manner to much that will happen to you in life, sometimes there is no clear explanation for misfortune.

Depending on your outlook, it is either cosmic chance, a Gaian malaise, a Darwinian struggle on the micro-scale, divine intervention, or just plain bad luck. And you have to resiliently accept this, and either adapt quickly, or try again next year while being as stoic as you can.

But remember, you are not alone in this struggle, and of course, each disaster will lead to a profusion of opinions about what you did wrong, and what to do again, and may lead to some conversation on non-Covid/cost of living/environment/Ukraine issues.

This more seasonal outlook can make us slow down, appreciate the now, and realise that nature has its own rhythm I have pleasantly chatted about the difference between ‘second earlies’ and ‘main crop’ potatoes.

I have been provided with divergent ways to ripen green tomatoes. “Put them in a brown paper bag and leave them on a radiator,” one person said. “Move your tomato plants into the living room,” said another.

Colleagues who never discussed gardening before, and who I thought had no interest in the subject, have told me that broken egg shells or a spray bottle filled with cayenne pepper can deter slugs. Ever discussed parsnips

food & health

with a man who owns beehives?

I have. If someone asks what you did at the weekend, tell them you planted something. I would wager that they will take an interest.

The day I was asked by a friend when her dad should plant his potatoes, my heart could have burst with pride. “Are they first earlies, second earlies, or main crop?” I sagely enquired. There are also numerous Men’s Sheds (menssheds.org.uk) and local allotment groups on the internet that would be willing to help you.

Of course, trying to grow plants in itself is a valuable ecological lesson. You can see that, without direct intervention, many of our food crops are so vulnerable

and require the near constant overwatch of their human custodians to avert catastrophe.

The ‘green revolution’ of the mid-20th century vastly increased yields, but also vulnerability.

Without the correct input of sunlight, water, and nutrients, things go awry, rapidly.

They cannot be rushed either.

A cabbage seed planted in April may not reach maturity until early the following year, but this more seasonal outlook can make us slow down, appreciate the now, and realise that nature has its own rhythm, that we can often forget about, moving from cosseted building to cosseted building as we go about our lives.

Unfortunately, too, you can also witness anthropogenic changes.

The aforementioned slugs and cabbage butterflies are the few insect species that I see now. But this can also provide an impetus to make positive changes. For example, use organic fertiliser, plant some wildflowers, buy an ‘insect hotel’, and use wool pellets to deter slugs rather than pesticides.

In this era of globalised ‘megatrends’, you can often feel listless and despondent. Events seem beyond control, and Vladimir Putin will likely be around wrestling bears in 2023 no matter how many times the Daily Mail tells you otherwise. But in a small, human-sized space, you can take affirmative action with a degree of positivity, and then take this attitude out, writ large on to the world. >>> happiful.com | Issue 66 | 51

Chillies and some species of tomatoes can all be grown on a windowsill or in a basket

Don’t have sufficient space? Get some potato sacks and compost.

Chillies and some species of tomatoes can all be grown on a windowsill or in a basket. Have a look for an allotment through your local authority website. A small hydroponics system can be brought online for £40–70. Now you can have the chance to make the same mistakes as me, from the comfort of home!

So, say you do have a moderately successful harvest, and you have more than enough cucumbers than you know what to do with? Now what?

Well, make something. Creation in itself can be of major benefit to our mental health, giving us a similar sense of control and satisfaction to gardening.

From nothing to something.

This can equally apply to home 52 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

produce, and unlike our overcommodified food chain, you can actually witness the entire production cycle, rather than just being a despondent consumer at the endpoint. Try pickling.

Vinegar, a few spices, and you’re done. Likewise, chutneys require a saucepan and easily obtainable ingredients. A ‘shrub’ is a diluted drinking vinegar (sort of like a spicy kombucha). You won’t feel quite so dependent on the current food production system, and you’ll have greater confidence in your abilities in the future.

But beyond all this, did you know that just being outside in the garden can greatly benefit us?

If you’re pottering about in the soil, evolutionary-wise you are engaging in behaviour far closer to our ancient ancestors, even

pre-homo-sapien. There will be just enough cognition to occupy you and put you ‘in the zone’, but not enough to overstimulate you.

With the cost of living crisis, and food costs spiralling upwards, there is probably more interest in gardening and growing your own food since the days of ‘Dig for Victory’ in the second world war.

No one is suggesting abandoning civilisation, living off the land, or travelling into the wilderness in a McCandlessesque sojourn.

Just do something small, and start from there. Engage people in conversation about your green-fingered activities. Notice the changes in the weather, and the shifting of the seasons. Take responsible stewardship of a small patch of the earth to see what you can learn, and slow down for a minute.

The key is in the past Could our present-day problems be caused by experiences in our past? Past life regression hypnotherapy could be the key to unlocking personal growth moving forward...

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

H

ave you ever felt stuck in your life, but unsure how to move forward?

Or perhaps you’re experiencing something you can’t explain – a specific fear, phobia, habit, or even memory. These situations might sound familiar, but there’s an unconventional therapy you may not have heard of that could be worth exploring.

Here, we’re diving into past life regression – what it is, what it can help with, and how to know if it’s right for you.

What is past life regression?

A therapeutic technique that requires an open mind, past

life regression looks to utilise hypnosis to recover memories of your past lives, and, through exploring these, it’s thought you can rediscover personal stories to help explain who you are now. By addressing traumatic events in a past life, it’s hoped that you can heal, move forward, and reduce stresses or other impacts.

As past life regression focuses on the idea that we are able to be affected by experiences and memories from past lives, it is a type of hypnotherapy that often works best for those who feel spiritual, or who believe in reincarnation. >>> happiful.com | Issue 66 | 53

Why do people try it?

People try past life regression for all different reasons. Some are curious about who they once might have been. For others, it can be the start to a pathway of personal growth and healing.

Whatever your motivations, ensuring you have a specific intention when approaching past life regression is key.

This is because having a clear focus and goal will enable you to make the most of your sessions. While being open to any memories from your past life can be a good way to approach things, having a specific intention is thought to allow for better context to understand and process what you remember.

What can you expect?

An active type of hypnotherapy, during past life regression you fully participate in the process, meaning that many individuals have a full sensory experience.

You may visualise past situations, hear sounds, and even recall specific smells. A professional hypnotherapist uses a hypnosis technique to help you relax, and encourage you to open your mind. Then, using suggestion techniques, they help you to recall past life experiences using specific questions designed to help you uncover memories.

Not all past life regression sessions focus on negative experiences, emotions, or 54 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

What can past life regression help with?

• Recurring nightmares or dreams

• Feelings of being stuck in life or unable to move forward

• Relationship issues (both romantic, e.g. inexplicable attraction; and platonic, e.g. aversion or revulsion)

By using hypnosis to remember the experiences from past lives that first signalled a problem, a hypnotherapist can help you to make connections between current issues and past experiences. Through hypnosis, you can gain a sense of explanation, resolution, or of inner peace, addressing these past incidents that have continued to affect you between one life and the next.

• Phobias or fears with no specific cause • Addiction issues • Understanding chronic illnesses • Experiencing déjà vu

traumatic events. Many who work with an experienced past life regression hypnotherapist will also focus on positive aspects of past lives, helping them to create a clearer pathway to allow them to move towards personal growth, development, and happiness.

In terms of how long you can expect to be in treatment for, or how you feel following a session, it really is unique to the individual.

Some people may feel lighter, as though a burden has been lifted.

Others express feeling like they have gained new perspectives on issues, as they now better understand thoughts or feelings that have unconsciously held them back in their past. On the other hand, some people may find they need several sessions before they notice any clear or lasting positive impact.

4. Do I intuit that my issue may stem from a past life experience such as:

Should I try past-life regression?

8. What is my understanding of hypnosis? Do I need more information?

We asked a clinical hypnotherapist specialising in past life regression, Carl Eden, to share his top questions to consider when deciding if this therapy is right for you.

1. Does the idea of reincarnation fit my worldview?

2. Am I generally an openminded person, willing to try new experiences?

3. Is hypnosis right for me?

a. Am I drawn to, or even obsessed with, a particular time or place? b. Have I been having vivid and recurring dreams? c. Do I have ‘memories’ that seem to be not my own?

5. Has some small event triggered an unease within me that I can’t explain?

6. Do I have a phobia that is hard to explain?

7. Do I just feel drawn to the idea of past life regression at this time for no obvious reason?

Some people feel like they have gained new perspectives on issues, as they now better understand feelings that have unconsciously held them back whether a past life session may be right for you. However, nothing can beat having a chat with a qualified and experienced hypnotherapist, particularly if they specialise in the area.

Most therapists are delighted to answer your questions via email and many, including myself, even offer a free initial phone or video consultation for you to ask questions, and learn more about the process before you go ahead and book.”

What about when it comes to picking a hypnotherapist?

Carl says you should consider if your therapist has serious experience in conducting past life regression sessions, if they believe in what they are doing, and, most importantly, if you feel drawn to a particular therapist.

Carl explains: “This will make a great starting point for exploring your own attitude to past life work, and help you understand

Carl Eden is a hypnotherapist specialising in past life regression.

To find out more about hypnotherapy, or to book a free initial chat with a qualified, experienced hypnotherapist, visit the Hypnotherapy Directory. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 55

Five ultimate tips to help kids get a good night’s sleep It’s the essential fuel that sees them through the day, so help youngsters get the sleep they need with these insightful ideas

M

any children will go through periods when they struggle to sleep, wake up regularly, or feel tired throughout the day. Like adults, this may be the result of a number of triggers, from stress and anxiety, to lifestyle habits.

“Sleep is such a fundamental human requirement that, when it eludes us, it can have a negative impact on our day-today lives,” says hypnotherapist Angela Brown. “The impact of poor sleep can range from poor concentration to challenging behaviour, inability to learn new tasks, stress, anxiety, and depression.”

Angela also points to the benefits of a good night’s sleep, including feeling better prepared to take on new challenges, as well as more energy to fuel the day. So, how can you support a child who’s having problems with sleeping?

ESTABLISH A ROUTINE “Keep to a routine with a set amount of sleep,” Angela suggests.

56 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

“This helps to get our circadian rhythm back on track, so we feel more alert and able to function effectively.”

The NHS recommends children start to wind down 20 minutes before they usually fall asleep.

If they’re in the habit of going to sleep later (e.g. during school holidays), you can try bringing this time forward by five to 10 minutes each week. Plus, for younger kids, you may want to incorporate a bath, or reading, into this routine.

SET THE SCENE As Angela points out, our bedrooms are often our sanctuaries, and somewhere we look forward to being following a busy day. “If we can control the stimuli in the bedroom, it can have a positive effect on our sleep,” she says. “Things to think about are the weight of the duvet – lighter for summer, heavier for winter. Thick curtains or blackout blinds, so our brains know it is time to sleep. No blue light, so no phones, TVs, or electrical devices in the bedroom.”

Creating a tech-free space can be a challenge in modern times, but taking steps to cut out blue light before bed can have a big impact on the quality of our sleep.

ENCOURAGE EXERCISE There’s truth in the technique of wearing out children during the day to help them sleep better.

“With as little as 30 minutes of activity, such as walking, running, and playing, we increase our ability to concentrate, giving us a chemical reward by generating positive endorphins, which help us to cope with life’s ups and downs,” Angela says.

That said, try to leave two hours between exercise and bedtime.

CONTROL THE LIGHT “Our sleep is affected by the amount of sunlight we get. If we’re sitting inside on a computer by a window for 30 minutes, we might get 300 lumens of light on a sunny day. Whereas if we went outside and had a drink in the sunshine we might get as many as 25,000 lumens of light. That means more

Sleep is such a fundamental human requirement vitamin D and melatonin, which are both important for sleep.”

Sunlight is turned into melatonin by our bodies. This hormone regulates our circadian rhythm, helping us to fall asleep, and feel balanced throughout the day.

“If we have excess melatonin, it will be converted to serotonin – the wonderful coping chemical that helps us feel balanced,” Angela adds. “A win-win combo!”

MINDFULNESS EXERCISES Mindfulness exercises can be great for kids who have a lot of thoughts racing around their heads.

“Look at a rectangle – it could be a phone, ceiling, radiator, piece of paper, or in your head. Focus on the corner of the short line as

you breathe in for seven, then with your eye follow the long line as you breathe out counting for eleven, holding for one second on the corners if you can. Repeat this for a couple of minutes.”

Angela also recommends progressive muscle relaxation, a technique where you tense and relax your muscles from the top of your head all the way down.

“Pull a funny face (no one will see you!), then relax it, push your neck into the pillow and relax, then shoulders, arms, fists, back, buttocks, legs, heels, and then scrunch up your toes.”

Finally, for busy brains, Angela suggests getting those thoughts down on paper. “We can all get overactive brains from time to

time. It could be about things that have happened in the day, or that might be happening the next day, and that can prevent us from getting a good night’s sleep, it can even wake us up.

“If you have a very busy brain, it can help to write down your worries, then we know we are not going to forget anything and can let our minds switch off.”

Angela Brown is a hypnotherapist and psychotherapist. Find out more by visiting the Hypnotherapy Directory. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 57

A guide to grief

While it’s inevitable, discussions around death can be taboo. Here, our expert columnist Bhavna explores the ways grief can enter the rich tapestry of life

G

rief is a curious thing. It invites us, sometimes against our will, to visit an internal world that leaves us shaken, staggered, broken, and bereft. It appears in our life unannounced, even at times when we know it is imminent – the end of a relationship, or through a terminal illness. Grief doesn’t always relate to death as a finality, but is a beacon that points at a loss that can feel just as devastating.

We know grief exists, but we rarely prepare ourselves to experience it. Grief is inevitable and natural. It hurts, which is normal. How much it hurts depends on how deeply we were affected by the person who died. It is also impacted by our relationship to ourselves – how well are we prepared to deal with a loss or death?

Grief can present itself in many guises and point to an end. It could be in relationships – perhaps the end of intimacy, or one partner coming out, or one partner having an affair. Or it might be at the end of a job –

58 | Issue 65 | happiful.com

Bhavna Raithatha

BSc (Hons) MSc MBACP (Accred)

through a promotion, demotion, or complete end even when through choice, as a resignation. Perhaps it’s the end of an era of our lives – moving from one decade into another, leaving home, ending a friendship, or losing a pet. The loss of health perhaps is a great cause of grief, the loss of independence and autonomy, of relying on others. Grief can also come about through regret about missed opportunities, chances not taken, choices not made.

Of course the final ending is one through death. This is absolute, and leaves us in many states. We go through phases as we navigate a loss, anger, shock, numbness, denial, bargaining with a higher power, and finally acceptance.

There are different kinds of death – natural, expected, unexpected, sudden, suicide, murder, or accident for example – and will significantly impact how we are able to process our reactions and affect the duration of our recovery from grief.

Recovery is informed and affected by the level of support we have from friends, family, and

Bhavna is an international psychotherapist, coach, critical incidence debriefer, supervisor, and speaker who has worked with more than 17K clients in the past 25 years.

Find out more by visiting the Counselling Directory

professional or pastoral services.

Most people will gradually come back from the depths of grief as they gain some distance through the passage of time. While there isn’t an exact timeframe for recovery, most people are generally able to return to some level of normality within months, some within years. Some, however, will struggle, become stuck in their grief, which then becomes chronic and debilitating. For some, it may be that they are not able to grieve at the time, thus delaying the grief.

This may cause an increase in feelings of distancing from others and from day-to-day life and deep depression. For others, grief can be delayed indefinitely, for example in cases of murder or suicide, or where there is no body.

EXPERT COLUMN

gently with love until they come back to themselves.

Step three: It is OK to ask ‘How are you doing?’ You may get a response, or a shrug or a flood of tears – all of this is normal. You don’t have to fix it, just be there.

You can offer to just listen and to hold their hand if they would like some physical contact. Take some tissues and chocolates.

So how can we help someone who is bereaved? The greatest gift is that of time. It is normal for everyone to offer support and be available in the immediate days after a loss. However, while that helps hugely, it is during the time after the funeral when everyone goes back to their ‘normal’ that the bereaved most need support. As the dust and shock settles and they gain clarity, this is when the reality of the loss is felt more acutely.

Let’s look at some practical steps you can take with a bereaved person.

Step one: Check in on them, give them a call or a text. They may not feel up to talking, but let them

know you are there when they feel ready. Send them a card or letter, you will be amazed at how deeply touching this gesture is. Make this a regular thing. If there’s a group of you, make a rota.

Step two: Go to see them. People are sometimes scared of spending time with bereaved people, because they don’t know what to say! You can start with hello, and a hug if they are OK with one. Know that you’re not expected to say anything; your physical presence will have a huge positive impact on them.

Make them a cup of tea, help them tidy, feed and water them. Bereaved people are in shock, their heart is broken, they need to be tended

Step four: As the dust settles, offer to go for a little walk or coffee, if they feel up to it. For many bereaved people, it can feel frightening to go out for the first time. Keep it short, go with what they need. Being out can be wonderful, but it can also be very triggering. Be ready to whisk them off to the safety and comfort of their home if needed.

Step five: Know that everything will be OK in time. However, if there is little or no change in your loved one’s state of grief and despair after a couple of months, and they are struggling with depression, sleep disturbance, lack or loss of appetite, angry outbursts, or have withdrawn and are unable to take care of themselves, get in touch with their GP and help to find professional support. You don’t have to do this alone. happiful.com | Issue 65 | 59

Discover dogs 6 breeds to benefit your mental health Explore the wellbeing power of pups, and find out which breeds might best suit your lifestyle. It’s time to start barking up the right tree Writing | The Kennel Club

F

riendship has long been considered a tonic for our mental wellbeing, and research from The Kennel Club, the UK’s largest organisation dedicated to dogs, shows that canine companionship in particular can positively impact how owners feel, and improve their wellbeing.

The survey revealed that 95% of owners find that their dog improves their mental health and wellbeing generally, with two in five owners crediting their dog with easing feelings of loneliness.

It is no coincidence that over the past couple of years, during periods of lockdowns and social isolation, many people struggled with loneliness, and thus the UK saw an unprecedented rise in dog ownership.

Dogs help throughout our lives, from teaching responsibility to younger children to developing compassion among teens, and

60 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

helping adults find or maintain a purpose and structure in their lives. One can never underestimate the power of a dog in getting their owner out for their daily walkies! And who can forget their ability to remind us of the power of unconditional love, often when we need it most.

No matter what the breed, age, size, or shape, it’s clear dog owners unite in agreement on the benefits of having a furry friend in their lives. However, for those ready for dog ownership, and seeking a breed particularly renowned for their loveable, friendly, and supportive nature, The Kennel Club has shared some suggestions to help find the therapeutic four-legged friend you might be looking for.

Of course, an individual dog’s behaviour will be dependent on training, socialisation, and personality, but the following can serve as a useful guide to

help you find your own canine companion.

Golden Retriever

These dogs have a big heart.

Perfect for families, they are known for their friendly nature, and their confidence can be infectious. They are intelligent, which often means they pick up on their owners’ emotions, and tend to enjoy training, too. They are large in size, so love a long walk, which can benefit you both by getting you out in the fresh air and reaping the benefits of being in nature!

Labrador Retriever

The loveable Labrador has long been a family favourite – their happy and playful nature makes them a wonderful companion.

Their historic background as a fishing dog makes them highly trainable and intelligent, meaning they can make wonderful assistance and therapy dogs, too.

positive pointers

Staffordshire Bull Terrier

Greyhound

Photography | Maltese: Monika Lecinska-Ruchniewicz, Bull Terrier: Heidi Hudson, Greyhound: Emily Arundale

Staffordshire Bull Terrier

Maltese Maltese

A small but smart dog, the Maltese is a great choice for anyone in a smaller living space, and perhaps not as able to go on the long walks required by larger breeds. Their loveable nature and sweet characteristics make them a welcome companion to have around the home and by your side. Their long and soft coat requires lots of grooming, which many can find to be a calming and therapeutic task.

Staffordshire Bull Terriers can make a wonderful family pet, and are known for providing much emotional support to their owners.

They are highly intelligent, sensitive, and affectionate, especially with children.

Havanese

The Havanese is a small dog requiring less walking, around 30 minutes a day, and a smaller garden, making them a good choice for urban dwellers. They are highly affectionate, but have lively and intelligent characters, too. They can offer valuable companionship for anyone, though those who are more introverted can benefit from their friendly nature.

Dogs help throughout our lives, from teaching responsibility to younger children to developing compassion among teens, and helping adults find or maintain a purpose and structure in their life Greyhound

Greyhounds can be a more independent breed at times, but still tend to be affectionate, sensitive, and docile, making them a supportive pet and best friend for the right owners. The breed tend to enjoy a slower pace of life in general, though equally love to whizz around the park or garden as well! >>> happiful.com | Issue 66 | 61

Photography | Labrador Retriever: Diane Pearce, Havanese: Karolina Hedstrom

Labrador Retriever

Of course, it’s important that prospective owners carefully consider whether their lifestyle suits dog ownership, and, if so, to research all aspects of different breeds, to ensure they can meet their dogs’ health and wellbeing needs. With the current cost of living crisis, would-be owners must consider the financial aspects of ownership and the associated costs of a pet and whether it’s something they can commit to for the long-term.

The Kennel Club runs London’s biggest dog event, Discover 62 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

Dogs, which, across two days, will showcase more than 150 diverse breeds to help those considering owning a dog start their search, and make an informed decision.

Everyone is welcome to meet and greet the breeds, speak to experts, and ask questions to current owners. The popular Cuddle Corner also provides visitors with de-stressing and comforting canine cuddles with their favourite breeds. So, even if you aren’t ready or able to take those first steps towards

Havanese dog ownership, you can still reap the wellbeing benefits at this unique event.

Discover Dogs 2022 takes place at the Excel London from 15–16 October. Tickets can be purchased at discoverdogs.org.uk, and find more information about the mental health benefits of dog ownership at thekennelclub.org.uk/mentalhealth

Countdown to calm in 3, 2, 1…

Try these three different mental exercises to help prepare your mind for rest Writing | Rebecca Thair

1 VISUALISATION When your mind is racing, counter those stressful and anxious thoughts with this scientifically-proven technique to help you fall asleep. Simply recall a place, scene, or activity that brings you joy. Try to visualize every last detail, whether you’re watching the sunset from your favourite spot on a beach, exploring a woodland scene with friends, or simply cooking a heartwarming dinner. This can help distract your mind, focusing on your chosen positive place, and helping to induce calm.

2 AUTOGENIC TRAINING This exercise is similar to a body scan, but adds in statements to encourage calm, with the aim of relaxing each area of your body.

As you lie in bed, start with a few minutes of deep, conscious breathing, and say “I am completely calm.” Move through your body parts, e.g. focusing on your feet, and repeating “My feet are very heavy, I am completely calm.” Repeat this six times, before moving through the rest of your body. By the end, you should hopefully feel much more relaxed, warm, and ready for sleep.

3 BROWN NOISE You’ve probably heard of white noise – containing all frequencies across the spectrum of sound, sometimes described as being like radio ‘static’ – but brown may have passed you by. This is ambient noise with only lowfrequency sound, which people say reminds them of a roaring river, or rumbling thunder. These noises are believed to help with improving focus and relaxation, but remember to always keep music at a healthy volume. Could tuning-in to some brown sounds help bring you some calm? happiful.com | Issue 66 | 63

YOUR MONTHLY MUST-HAVE DELIVERY

Don’t t! ou miss

Keep it rolling

Never miss an issue with our brand new rolling subscription!

For £5.99 per month, you’ll receive each new edition of Happiful straight to your door (postage and packaging included*), packed with fascinating features, practical tips, inspiring stories, and expert advice.

• • • • • •

Print-exclusive guided journaling pages in every issue A simple, monthly subscription charge Easily cancel your subscription at any time Happiful and its packaging are fully recyclable For every tree used to create our magazine, we plant two in its place Purchasing a print subscription enables us to provide a digital magazine for free – ensuring there are no financial barriers to mental health support.

We cannot thank you enough for your ongoing support of Happiful’s mission to end mental health stigma, and to ensure everyone in need can access help. Together, we can make a difference. *UK mainland and NI only. Additional charges may apply for postage elsewhere. For orders to the EU please visit happiful.newsstand.co.uk Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com.

the sleep guide

Pillow talk problems?

Over time, people – and relationships – change. But what happens when, little by little, it feels like you’ve lost your sense of togetherness? Try these 25 questions to encourage emotional intimacy and break the bedroom silence Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

H

ow do you know when you’re no longer in love with your spouse? It seems like something you should just know, doesn’t it? But… what if it isn’t? What if, slowly, over time, you find yourself losing little bits of the bond that created your togetherness?

For some couples, there is no big fallout. You may not be able to pinpoint when it happened, but over the weeks, months, or even years, you may have reached a state of ‘silent divorce’.

What is a silent divorce?

The phrase ‘silent divorce’ refers to a relationship where you are still together, but have drifted apart. There may be no obvious conflict, but there’s also nothing else clearly happening in your relationship: no passion, no excitement, no overly strong feelings towards your partner either way. For some couples, this can make the breakdown in your relationship feel that much more frustrating, as there’s no clear issue to tackle or big change to be made.

To find out more about the importance of communication and emotional intimacy in our relationships, we turned to integrative counsellor and psychotherapist Julie Howard.

“Relationships don’t just happen, they take effort in maintaining them. It’s all too easy to just settle into a routine, it can evolve without either person becoming aware,” Julie says. “I feel relationships rarely break down for no reason.

Usually, there are warning signs, it just depends whether we recognise them. Sometimes, we put off facing up to unsettling feelings through fear of the unknown. However, on occasion, a person is completely blindsided by the sudden announcement that their loved one isn’t happy anymore.”

What are the warning signs?

Being able to enjoy comfortable silence can signify intimacy and connection. But when the silence comes from a lack of things to say, or lasts for a long period, it can be a sign that you

are growing apart – you exist in the same space, but are not sharing the same ‘togetherness’ in a meaningful way.

Julie explains that there can be many early warning signs that something may be wrong in your relationship – you just need to know what to watch for. “Some things to look out for could be small, intimate gestures that were once normal are now becoming infrequent, such as kissing and cuddling, or holding hands while out. Little communication at mealtimes, or even silence. More time spent on devices – it’s easy to zone out on social media – or choosing to spend more time away from the home.”

One big warning sign that many of us can overlook, Julie shares, is a feeling of something being wrong. “Sometimes we can just ‘feel’ that something is wrong in a relationship. Often that uneasy feeling can be brushed off during a busy day, but can be more prevalent at bedtime when you don’t have any distractions.” >>> happiful.com | Issue 66 | 65

1. What’s the best advice you’ve ever received?

2. What do you think your perfect day would involve?

3. How are you really doing right now?

4. What would your ideal work-life balance look like?

Making a conscious effort

For many of us, we have grown up with this idea that love (and relationships) should be easy.

Isn’t that what our happily ever afters are meant to be? But the reality of life, and love, is that things are busy. They take time – and effort – to maintain.

On this topic, Julie says: “Relationships don’t just happen, they take effort and maintenance to keep alive.

Relationships can be taken for granted, like a shiny new car. Initially, it’s gleaming and perfect, however, if neglected, over time shows signs of wear and tear. Without upkeep, things start to go wrong, and in the end would probably break down.”

66 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

How to reconnect with your partner

Spending quality time together talking, having fun, listening, and supporting each other is key to rekindling the intimacy you once had, and even improving on it.

Julie says: “Being heard is different from listening. Anyone can listen, but being heard allows us to feel understood. It helps the natural flow of communication without fear of judgement.

Emotional intimacy creates a peaceful and constructive communication to explore how you both feel.”

Here, we share 25 counsellorapproved questions to help you get started on your journey towards emotional intimacy and being heard.

5. What was the most surprising thing you’ve learned about yourself?

6. When have you felt most confident?

7. Do you think that your values have changed?

8. What do you most want to get out of life?

xxxxxxxxxxxx

9. Is there anything you are worried about? (At home, work, with friends, family, healthwise.)

17. Do you feel able to talk to me when you’re upset?

10. Has our relationship taught you anything about yourself?

18. What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?

11. How do you like to show/be shown love?

19. What three things do you most admire about yourself?

12. Is there anything you would like to change in your life/ day-to-day routine?

20. Is there anything you miss that we used to do together?

13. What is your favourite memory of us spending time together?

21. Is there a smell or sound that always makes you smile?

14. Do you have a memory that makes you feel most loved?

22. Do you have a bucket list? What would you put on it?

15. If you could go back and recreate one experience together, what would it be?

23. Which fictional couple do you think has the perfect relationship and why?

16. Is there anything you would love to try together for the first time?

24. Is there anything you wish you had more time for?

25. What does family mean to you?

No matter what their answers are, ensure you are listening and reflecting on them. Avoid interrupting or talking over each other, give yourselves space to talk about how you are feeling without distractions. Really listening to each other shows that you value your partner’s experiences and feelings, that you care and are invested in their wellbeing. Showing empathy, understanding, willingness, and interest in them, can all be important factors in creating a new, stronger sense of emotional intimacy.

Julie Howard is an experienced integrative counsellor and psychotherapist. For more relationship support or to contact Julie, visit the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 67

Thoughtful foods Show someone you care with these edible delights Writing | Alex Fraysse

F

or many of us, food is a way to socialise and show our love for each other.

Whether you go big and have a passion for hosting, or you prefer the smaller acts – buying your friend a coffee or their favourite snack after a bad day, or ordering a fresh juice to a loved one’s door when they’re sick – simply gifting a person something because you can, well, it can have a huge impact on how they feel.

And what’s more special than when the edible gift is homemade? Here are three recipes that are quick and simple to make, taste delicious, and can be packaged up and gifted to a friend (or enjoyed together over a cup of tea).

68 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

Superfood cookies Ingredients • 80g rolled oats • 70g desiccated coconut • 2 tbsp nut butter • ½ tsp cinnamon • 1 tbsp honey • 1 tsp apple cider vinegar • ¼ tsp baking soda • 100ml nut milk (of your choice) For decoration, add a handful of dark chocolate chips (85%) and goji berries.

Method • Preheat the oven to 170oC, gas mark 5.

• Line a baking tray with parchment paper.

• Place the oats, desiccated coconut, nut butter, cinnamon, honey, vinegar and baking soda in a blender.

Add 50ml of nut milk, gradually adding more if needed.

• Blend until a thick but smooth consistency (hummus-like, not a smoothie).

• Spoon small piles of batter on the tray until you have none left (you may need to use two trays, or bake in batches!).

• Place a couple of chocolate chips and goji berries on each cookie to decorate, if desired.

• Bake for 10–12 minutes.

• Set aside to allow to cool.

food & health

The healthy bit

Red lentil pasta salad Serves 1

Ingredients • 100g red lentil pasta • 50g feta cheese • 2 tbsp black olives • Knob of butter • 3 mushrooms • ¼ tsp salt • ¼ tsp chilli flakes • 4 broccoli florets • ½ clove of garlic, minced • Drizzle of extra virgin olive oil • Juice of half a lemon

Homemade pick ‘n’ mix Serves 1

Ingredients A handful of each: • Brazil nuts • Walnuts • Pine nuts • Dried mango • Dried figs Repurpose a jar (don’t forget the lid) to hold the pick ‘n’ mix.

Simply clean and dry the jar, and adorn the outside with whatever you have available – stickers, ribbon, or even doodle little patterns with a Sharpie.

When you’re happy, add the ingredients. Your surprise pick ’n’ mix is ready to go!

Method • Bring a pan of lightly salted water to boil.

• Once boiling, add the pasta.

• While the pasta is cooking, crumble the feta and slice the olives.

• In a separate pan, add the butter. Once melted, add the mushrooms, salt and chilli flakes. Sauté for 5 minutes.

• Add the broccoli and garlic, and cook for a further 3–4 minutes.

• Drain the pasta, and rinse under cold water to cool.

• In a bowl or Tupperware, add the mushrooms, broccoli, olives and feta.

• Drizzle with olive oil and a squeeze of lemon.

The cookies are made with love and, best of all, without any of the additional nasties shop-bought cookies contain: no preservatives, refined sugar, or fructose syrup (which can have a negative impact on our wellbeing). This recipe contains enough fibre and blood sugar balancing compounds (cinnamon, nut butter, apple cider vinegar, goji berries, and dark chocolate) to negate any possible blood sugar spikes later on.

Red lentil pasta is a wonderful alternative to regular pasta due to its higher protein and fibre content (which causes a muchreduced blood sugar spike).

Reducing spikes in blood sugar is a key aspect of long-term health, while feta and olive oil contribute to that Mediterranean flavour, plus essential fats that are key to our overall health. Mushrooms, broccoli, chilli, and garlic are great for the liver and the gut, as well as helping boost the function of our immune system.

The dressing is light and zesty to keep the salad fresh and full of beautiful benefits for the skin, liver, gut, and immune system. All that without a salad leaf in sight!

Finally, this homemade pick ‘n’ mix shows that you care about the person and their health.

This selection is great for brain, gut, and mood health. It is a full package of nutrients needed to support these!

Alex Fraysse is a qualified nutritional therapist, herbalist, iridologist, and naturopath.

To Find more, visit the Nutritionist Resource. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 69

How to get

health and wellbeing support as a student

Starting university comes with fresh challenges, so here’s how to find the help you need Writing | Caroline Butterwick 70 | Issue XX | happiful.com

G

oing to university can be an exciting time.

With the chance to focus on a subject you love, make friends, and try new experiences, many find student life enjoyable and fulfilling. But starting university can also be daunting. And if you have a mental health problem, or another health condition, it can be even harder to adjust to student life.

Thankfully, there’s lots of support available to help you make the most of your time at university.

Here’s how to access it.

Speak to the disability team Often, the first port of call is speaking to the disability team at your university. This service is there for students with any additional needs, including mental health conditions, dyslexia, sensory impairments, and physical disabilities. They are used to supporting people, so don’t be nervous about approaching them.

It’s best if you can reach out to them before you start, to make sure they can arrange support from your first day, but don’t worry if you’ve already started – they are available to help you anytime.

Disability teams often have disability advisors who you can meet with to talk through what’s known as ‘reasonable adjustments’.

This, for example, could mean they recommend you get extra time on exams, because you have a condition that affects your reading or concentration.

Your university’s website should have the contact details for the disability team, as well as info about what they provide.

Apply for Disabled Students’ Allowance You may be eligible for Disabled Students’ Allowance (DSA).

This is additional funding that helps cover extra costs of being a disabled student – including having a support worker, or help towards the cost of equipment.

What you get depends on your individual circumstances – you have to fill in a form and have an assessment to decide what would be best for you. There’s more information about DSA at gov.uk.

Don’t worry if you feel daunted by the application process, the disability team at your university will be able to help.

Speak to someone If you’re struggling, it’s OK to reach out. Lecturers and staff are used to helping, whether you’re finding it hard living in halls or are overwhelmed by work. And if you’re worried about deadlines or feel stressed, letting your lecturers know means they can be more understanding. Sometimes, having a chat is enough to make you feel better. They may also be able to suggest practical ideas to help.

Universities usually have their own counselling service for students, offering the chance talk about anything that’s troubling you. Check your university’s website or speak to the student support team to find out what’s available where you are.

You may also find that your university runs wellbeing sessions that are open to all students. These can cover things like dealing with stress or learning mindfulness, and are worth checking out.

Often, the first port of call is speaking to the disability team at your university Support from your students’ union Students’ unions are run to support students, and are great resources. Many will have their own student advice service, and are useful to speak to if you’re having an issue with your university.

You may find that your students’ union has a group or runs events especially for disabled students, or those with a mental health condition. These can be a fantastic way to meet new people, as well as access mutual support and raise any concerns you have.

Students’ unions run clubs and societies that are led by students, and are a perfect way to make friends. These are one of the best ways to meet new people and settle in at university, as well as giving you the chance to try something fun. If you’re feeling anxious about joining a group, you can contact someone involved to introduce yourself and ask any questions beforehand, or to ask them to look out for you when you first come along to a session.

Whatever stage you’re at in your student journey, remember that there is support available to help you flourish and enjoy your time at university. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 71

Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching C S LEWIS Photography | Elyas Pasban

72 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

positive pointers

Author of her own story Writer, creator, campaigner, and mum-of-two Louise Pentland shares the rollercoaster ride that comes with completing a novel, and the healing, happiness, and opportunities for growth, her daughters bring to her life Writing | Lucy Donoughue

“

W

hip it off!” bestselling author and ‘OG’ content creator Louise Pentland exclaims. It’s the hottest day of the year, and although we’re chatting over Zoom, we’re both struggling with the heat. Louise has spotted that I’m self-consciously wearing a cardigan over my sleeveless dress, and she wants me to be more comfortable. It’s the first time I’ve ever been encouraged to shed clothing during an interview, and I have to tell you, I love her for it.

A lot of people know Louise to be exactly as she is in this moment: friendly, funny, and here for the real talk about life’s ups and downs. If you’ve followed her on social media, you’ll also know that Louise is open about her mental health, and has bravely shared the childhood experiences of abuse that led her to become an active ambassador for the NSPCC. >>> happiful.com | Issue 66 | 73

It’s this combination of cheerleading, courage, and charisma that makes Louise such a pleasure to talk to. There’s something incredibly down-toearth about her, and while she may have four novels under her belt, a highly successful media career, and more than 2.2 million subscribers to her YouTube channel, she’s emphatic that she still has a lot still to learn about life.

As Louise says, 2022 has been a good year for evolving, and she’s relieved that things are looking up after a tough 2021.

Last year was a bit of a bleak low year, a bit more of a survival year, and now I feel like I’m thriving again “I don’t know if it’s because during the pandemic everything was put on pause, including my own mental growth, but I feel as though I am having a period of coming out of myself a bit,” she says. “Last year was a bit of a bleak, low year, a bit more of a survival year, and now I feel like I’m thriving again. I’m like a sponge and I’m soaking everything up!”

Embracing her post-book publication period is just one way Louise is taking the opportunity to reflect before moving forwards.

74 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

Her latest novel, the charming Time After Time, hit shelves in August, and Louise is now happily contemplating the central role that writing plays in her life.

“I think it’s being able to pour everything out on the page,” she says. “When I was little I had diaries, then I’d write in notebooks, then my blog was a continuation of that. Now I have my books.”

Keen to show that there are two sides to life as a published author, Louise tempers her enthusiasm by explaining the real process of writing novels, and where her passion truly lies.

“I love coming up with the idea, the characters, and I really like creating child characters because they are so playful,” she says. “I enjoy mapping the story out, but the hardest part is the first draft, when you have to get everything in your head out onto the paper.

“That’s when I come crashing down. I think it’s rubbish, the worst book I’ve ever written, it’s embarrassing, and I’ll have to pull the contract because I can’t send this book out into the world! Then my editor goes through it, gives me a pep talk and, like magic, it gets really exciting again!”

Hearing people’s reactions to the final work produces a feeling of euphoria, Louise says, but that’s far from where the story ends.

She continues her relationship with the novel’s characters as she visualises their lives beyond the last page. This love of deep character creation is, in part, down to the imagination skills she developed as a coping mechanism in her own early years.

“I was a lonely child, and I think that has really helped me,” she acknowledges. “I was that kid who would play alone all day with dolls, and make up little lives for them, and now I’m sort of doing that again, but by choice and not loneliness.”

Louise has publicly shared how difficult her childhood was after her mum died when she was just seven years old.

After this huge loss, Louise was abused by someone in her immediate caring circle, and she experienced isolation and loneliness as a result.

Earlier this year, Louise shared this experience for the benefit of the NSPCC and those the charity supports. As a grown woman with a greater understanding of the charity’s work, Louise created the #NowIKnow campaign to raise awareness.

“I really wanted to highlight the things I now know about the NSPCC that would have made me call them when I was younger,” Louise says. “I thought, I’ve got this audience, why am I not sharing this? A lot of people who follow me are mums or know a child, and I wanted to make them aware of what the NSPCC, and specifically Childline, can do. They’re not only there for children, there’s a number to call if you’re concerned about a child’s wellbeing and safety, and they’ll signpost you to the right place, because it can be hard to call the police or social services, so this is a good first step.”

As well as spreading the word about the NSPCC’s invaluable work, Louise set herself a

positive pointers

Photography | Nicky Johnston

fundraising target of £30,000 to represent the cost of operating the charity for one day, the years since her mum died, and the days in April (her mum’s birthday month). By the end of the campaign, she raised a whopping £36,000, and has plans to continue supporting the NSPCC. While her own mum is always in her thoughts and deeds, Louise is a mum herself, and positively lights up when she mentions her two daughters, Pearl and Darcy.

“As well as a mother/daughter, carer/being cared for relationship, we enjoy each other’s company and a friendship, which is really rewarding,” she says, smiling. “It’s also very healing for me.

“I had a really bleak childhood, where I was abused and also neglected, and I say that in the literal sense. I didn’t go to clubs, I didn’t have nice packed lunches made for me, I didn’t have beautiful clothes carefully put together. So doing that for the girls is nice, because they are benefitting from it, but I’m also redressing that balance. There’s a wrong inside me, and I’m making it right. I’m enjoying growing through that.”

The NSPCC offers support and help for children affected by abuse.

If you are worried about a child, email help@nspcc.org.uk or call 0808 800 5000. If you are 18 or under and need help, call 0800 1111.

‘Time After Time’ by Louise Pentland (Bonnier Books, £14.99) is out now.

Listen to the full interview with Louise on Happiful’s podcast ‘I am. I have’. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 75

G N I N R U RET K C O R M O FR M O T T O B What does it feel like to reach rock bottom, and start to recover from that? We hear from three people who’ve reached out and received much-needed support from charities in the toughest of times. By sharing their experiences, they hope to help you, or someone you love, to reach out, too…

Writing | Lucy Donoughue 76 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

C

onsuming the news right now can be alarming, especially if you need help with your mental health and wellbeing. We’re constantly faced with stories illustrating how stretched NHS and mental health services are, and the ongoing economic uncertainty, which

positive pointers

reality right now. That’s why it’s more important than ever to look out for each other, signpost the amazing charities and peer support groups who are doing incredible work, and for Happiful to champion the websites, phone lines, and chat services that are available to us all in our times of need.

However, we know from personal experience that taking the first step to call, email, or attend a support group can be daunting, even though it’s clear that what’s possible on the other side of that step could be lifealtering, or at least better than the situation we currently face.

That’s why we’re grateful to the following people who have kindly shared their stories about making that initial move.

If any of these stories resonate with you, please consider checking out the websites listed, and remember you can also find more information at happiful.com/where-to-get-help.

could impact the money we have available to even consider private counselling or support if we can’t endure the waiting lists for referrals from GPs. While this might seem like a bleak way to start an article about returning from rock bottom, it’s our collective

No-one understands an alcoholic like another alcoholic.

Jane*, a member of AA, shares how she began her life of sobriety after a long-standing detrimental relationship with alcohol.

From the outside, and to a stranger, I would have looked like a perfectly fine and functioning

person, but on the inside my life was utter chaos. By the time I attended my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at the age of 30, I couldn’t even imagine a world without alcohol.

You could say I was in denial the first time I went. I think I was just focusing on the differences between myself and everyone else’s experiences of drinking, and the impact it had on their lives. It wasn’t affecting me in the same way at all, and so I left that meeting and the AA behind. It took me a further 10 years to attend another meeting and to start my journey with sobriety.

By that point, the stories I’d heard before were ringing true for me.

Alcohol was affecting my daily life, I wasn’t getting to the same point of oblivion when I drank, I was experiencing the delirium tremens, intense feelings of shame, guilt, and I was spiralling.

It was having an impact on my family, too, in so many ways. I even missed my son’s wedding because of my relationship with alcohol.

The thing I found from attending AA, is that no one understands an alcoholic like another alcoholic.

There’s no bullshitting when you’re speaking to someone who has been through what you’re going through. They know the signs, the look, and the behaviour to watch out for.

Ultimately, AA saved me, and gave me more life than I would’ve had if I’d continued drinking. I’ve been sober for nine years now, and during that time I’ve welcomed three grandchildren into my life who’ve never seen me with a drink in my hand. >>> happiful.com | Issue 66 | 77

AA saved me and gave me more life than I would’ve had if I’d continued drinking When my dad was dying with Alzheimers, I was able to care for him. That really meant the world to us both.

I now do service for AA and help the still-suffering alcoholic to understand how the fellowship can support them. There’s a misconception that religion plays a part in AA, but that’s not the case. Yes, it’s a spiritual journey, but what that entails is up to the individual. It’s about surrender, accepting support, and welcoming sobriety.

To anyone who’s ready to take that first step but is unsure, I would say please reach out in whatever way you can right now.

You can call our helpline, visit the website, or attend a meeting.

There are so many people, like me, who’ve been in a similar position to the one that you’re in now, and they’ll be ready to welcome and support you. alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk 0800 9177650 help@aamail.org 78 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

Mentally, I was challenged.

Kay, a listening volunteer for Samaritans, shares the moment she knew she needed help, and the call that changed everything for her.

“I commute into London every day, and on one of my journeys in I became ill and collapsed. It’s all

a bit of a blur; one minute I was on a train with my headphones in and the next I was in A&E. I found out that I’d developed sepsis after being bitten by a tick on my dog walk, and it’d gone straight to my bloodstream. By the time I’d passed out, it was beginning to shut down my organs.

When I woke up in the hospital I was physically on the mend, but mentally, I was challenged.

Talking therapy seemed like the next step for me, but there was

positive pointers

an 18-month waiting list with the NHS, and a six-week waiting list through my work’s medical insurance.

As luck would have it, I was standing on the platform waiting for the train to work one day and I saw the Samaritans’ sign. I called the number, and I can honestly say that the person I spoke to that day saved my life.

Now I’m a Samaritans volunteer myself. I’ve learnt the power of just listening to someone and giving them a safe space that’s non-judgemental. There’s also so much signposting we can do when you call Samaritans. If you have a particular challenge you want to talk about, the listening volunteer can point you in the direction of groups that will help, and give you the foundations and tools to cope.

To anyone reading this who needs help, please get in touch whatever way suits you best. We’re here all year around. Someone will be there to support you, we want to help. That’s why I do it. I want people to be supported in the way I was, because my life would be very different, I feel, had I not phoned Samaritans.” samaritans.org 116 123 jo@samaritans.org

It makes you feel like you’re not by yourself.

Cara, a therapist and the author of ‘The Eating Disorder Recovery Journal’, shares how BEAT, the UK’s eating disorder charity, and its online forums, have been of significant support to her.

I was in eating disorder treatment under CAMHS (Children and Adolescent Mental Health Services) until I was 18, and then adult services for a short period, but when that finished, because the service is time limited, I didn’t feel like I was ‘done’ in terms of talking about what was going on for me.

At that point, about 10 years ago, I accessed an in-person group I found via the BEAT website. It was scary going the first time, but everyone was really lovely.

Typically, at least one of the facilitators would have lived experience of EDs, and they’d ask everyone how they were doing or if there was anything they wanted to talk about.

Being around people who have similar experiences to you makes you feel like you’re not by yourself

with it. There can be a level of fatigue that comes with being a carer and, sometimes, I could feel like I was a burden. I didn’t feel like that in the group. It was a really safe space.

The in-person groups stopped because of Covid, so more recently, I used the BEAT’s online services while I was waiting to go back into treatment. That was a lifeline when I felt like I was on my own. I used the chat rooms because sometimes I wanted to be anonymous. I wanted to share what I had to say without anyone knowing it was me, because there can be such a pressure to maintain a good level of recovery at all times. It was really validating to speak with others and have reassurance while I was waiting for treatment again. It helped to put my situation into perspective.

I honestly love BEAT, so I’d say to anyone reading this to definitely visit their website. There’s so much on there that could help you today. beateatingdisorders.org.uk 0808 801 0677 help@beateatingdisorders.org.uk Read Cara’s full story at happiful.com and visit caras-corner.com

*Name has been changed. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 79

Autumn watch: how to help hibernators As winter draws closer, you might be wondering how you can best support local wildlife. While, in the UK, only hedgehogs, bats, and dormice are officially known to hibernate, many other species rest up and hide away to conserve energy – and there are numerous ways you can help!

Writing | Rebecca Thair Artwork | Charlotte Reynell

HEDGEHOGS

BATS

DORMICE

These little creatures are perhaps the most likely hibernators to be found hanging around a British garden, so the best advice is to be cautious when tidying any potential hibernation spots near your house from late autumn.

If you have a compost pile, or are considering creating one, this is a particular favourite sleeping spot of hedgehogs, so you’ll be helping already! Just be careful when aerating or adding to your pile. Or, if you’re looking for other proactive ways to help, you could buy a specially-designed ‘hedgehog house’, or build a makeshift one from piles of discarded logs and leaves.

Bats typically hibernate in groups, in quiet, cool areas – about 75% in trees in the UK, while the remainder might choose to roost under the eaves of buildings, or find their way into crevices in old brickwork.

The best thing you can do to help bats is simply not disturb them. Waking a hibernating creature can cost it a lot of its energy reserves, and, according to the Bat Conservation Trust, could lead to starvation for bats, as they lose their fats stores.

But if you want more proactive suggestions, you could put up a bat box in a sheltered spot, roughly 4m above the ground.

Tip: Leave out tinned dog or cat food to help any travelling hogs build fat reserves. While it used to be common, it’s best not to leave milk out, as this can cause digestive problems for them.

Tip: Invite more nocturnal flying insects into your garden, as food sources for bats, by planting night-scented flowers such as white jasmine, honeysuckle, and evening primrose.

While they spend the summer months primarily in hedgerows or tree branches, in the winter these small mammals descend to the ground to nest in piles of logs or in grass clumps at the base of trees.

Leaving out food supplies can be helpful for when dormice do wake up, including berries, buds, and, in particular, hazelnuts, which are a great source of fat for them. If you have, or can plant, hazel trees, these are ideal habitats for dormice – and given their dwindling numbers, any help we can give to create mini sanctuaries for these mammals could be a huge bonus.

80 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

Tip: Allow brambles and ivy to grow a little more wild where you can, as this can offer another good shelter option for visiting dormice.

try this at home

Level-up your hosting skills Proactive steps to take to create a wildlife-friendly haven in your backyard: Create an insect hotel: rewild sections of your garden by stacking up piles of logs, stones, or old bricks, and cover with leaves and twigs to make a cosy corner for critters.

Check your bonfire: always be cautious before lighting any bonfires or burning garden materials, in case creatures have found their way in for shelter.

Provide water: give nonhibernating animals a source of unfrozen water they can drink and bathe in.

BEES Consider keeping plants that offer sources of winter nectar for any remaining bees, such as winter heather, common ivy, and winter honeysuckle. Additionally, be wary when doing any DIY projects or renovations in case you disturb their nests.

FROGS Amphibians often rest at the bottom of ponds over the winter months, so it’s best to clean them out before winter arrives. This gives frogs a clean and healthy environment, and helps prevent gas building up from decomposing materials below the surface if ice forms.

If freezing conditions do occur, remember not to ‘smash’ the ice, as this could do more harm than good. Instead, heat the bottom of a pan, and rest this against the ice to melt air holes in it for any creatures within.

BUTTERFLIES SQUIRRELS Help squirrels stock up on their food supplies by leaving out various nut options for them to collect throughout autumn (including walnuts, almonds, and hazelnuts).

Including ivy in your garden can offer shelter for butterflies over the cooler months, but also watch out as butterflies and moths can also be drawn inside your home by the heat (they believe it’s a ‘false spring’), and try to gently guide or move them out to somewhere cooler. happiful.com | Issue 66 | 81

Late night reminders

When your brain is racing and won’t let you rest, remember…

You can’t change the past, but you can learn from it

One mistake doesn’t make you a bad person

For every time something goes wrong, there will be countless moments where it goes right

You can’t control what others think or do

You have so much to offer the world

Someone out there loves you

82 | Issue 66 | happiful.com

The Happiful family

Are you a wellbeing professional?

Register now!

Whether you’re a counsellor, life coach, nutritionist, hypnotherapist, or therapist, we appreciate just how much of a difference you can make to someone’s life – which is why we want to help you to help others.

For 15 years, our family of directories has connected more than 1.5 million people with mental health and wellbeing professionals like you. If you’re a qualified therapist or coach, why not join Happiful to help make support more accessible to everyone?

Why you should join the Happiful family Your own instant, dedicated web page to promote your services

Publish articles and access exclusive press and media opportunities

Tailored support from our award-winning membership team

Plus a free exclusive listing on our Happiful app

Register your interest at professionals.happiful.com Members of our directories must hold relevant qualifications/insurance and/or professional body registration, depending on the approach they practice. For more information, please register your interest, and a member of our support team will be in touch!

UNWRAP YOUR MONTHLY DOSE OF POSITIVITY

only £5.99 per month

Exclusive journaling section Includes UK delivery Cancel or pause at any time

Delivering on our mission to create a happier, healthier, and more sustainable society.

Download the free Happiful App