Happiful December 2017

Hea l thy Ideas t hat Chang e the Wor ld

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How The Chelsea Girl Found Inner Peace

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Louise Thompson

It Out

A TIME TO BE GRATEFUL “May󰇨󰇪 󰈉󰇭r󰇯󰇷󰇺ma󰇷, t󰇬e G󰈦󰇮n󰈛󰇭 t󰇬o󰇻󰈪h󰇹, do󰇪󰇷󰈡’t co󰇲󰇪 󰈆r󰈣󰇲 a 󰈤t󰈢󰇶󰈥” - Dr. Se󰇻s󰇷

December 2017

42

16

The Uplift 6 NEWS

Preventing loneliness at Christmas

10 2017 IN REVIEW

It’s been a watershed year for mental health

12 THE EXPLAINER

Insight into ‘imposter syndrome’

26 LAUGHTER LIBERATORS

The Flying Seagull Project spreading smiles

Features

Happiful Hacks

16 LOUISE THOMPSON

14 ANXIETY

The Made in Chelsea star talks about life off-camera, revealing her secret battle with severe anxiety and depression

Subtle signs of high-functioning anxiety

40 GIFTS

29 STRESS-FREE XMAS

A Yuletide guide to looking after your mental health over the festive period

35 COUPLES COUNSELLING

Understanding what to expect from couples counselling, to find out if it’s right for you

Thoughtful tips on giving (and receiving)

42 DODIE

YouTuber, singer-songwriter and mental health activist dodie on her lesser-known mental illness

51 MENTAL HEALTH SONGS

A countdown of the 20 greatest mental health songs that let us know we’re not alone

48 AROMATHERAPY

Essential blends for everyday living

60 CHRISTMAS DINNER

Seasonal secrets to a successful family xmas

75 GRIEVING KIDS

Life Stories 63 KELLY

Had a near death experience that completely changed her world

72 ELISA

Lost her career after her depression diagnosis, but found therapy in the written word

This year, my specialist finally agreed it was safe for me to travel

79

Sex & Relationships 66 FAREWELLS

Why is it so hard to say goodbye?

76 NEW SENSATIONS

A year of exploring sex and love

63

Food & Drink 69 OTHOREXIA

79 HELEN

Examining a potential new eating disorder

Was diagnosed with two autoimmune conditions, but is still living her dream of travelling the world

82 NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINKS TEST Dry December can be lots of fun

86 JAMES

Had a traumatic childhood, but was inspired by his experiences to help others through his non-profit Plant for Peace

Activities to support them through sadness

86

84 MYTHBUSTER: COCONUT OIL Is it all it’s cracked up to be?

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RACHEL COFFEY Rachel is a life coach looking to encourage confidence and motivation.

Jake Hamilton | Editor Rebecca Thair | Writer Kathryn Wheeler | Editorial Assistant Amy-Jean Burns | Art Designer

GRAEME ORR Graeme is a counsellor who specialises in relationships and advises on our life stories.

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FE ROBINSON Fe is a psychotherapist and clinical supervisor. Fe advises on our content.

MARIETTE JANSEN Mariette is a psychoeducational teacher/ psychological coach.

Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Fe Robinson | Expert Advisor CONTRIBUTORS Gemma Calvert, Lucy Cavendish, Rachel Kelly, Fe Robinson, Jenny Cole, Ellen Hoggard, Duncan Forgan, Shaun Brown, Maurice Richmond, Kelly Walsh, Lucy Cavendish, Renee McGregor, Elisa Marcella Webb, Bonnie Evie Gifford, Helen Renners, James Brett SPECIAL THANKS Joseph Sinclair, Krishan Parmar, Amanda Clarke, Alice Theobald, Gill Nicholas, Joy Goodman, Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Mariette Jansen, Becky Wright, Jo Ferguson, Emma Shearer PR & MARKETING Maurice Richmond | Digital Marketing & PR maurice.richmond@happiful.com Matt Holman | Advisor matthew@happiful.com THE HAPPIFUL NETWORK Amie Sparrow | PR Manager

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LUCY CAVENDISH Lucy is an integrative counsellor and a regular contributor to The Times.

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EXPERT PANEL

Introducing the professionals behind Happiful magazine who help to ensure we deliver the highest quality advice

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RENEE MCGREGOR Renee is a dietitian and author of Orthorexia: When Healthy Eating Goes Bad

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RACHEL KELLY Rachel is an author, public speaker and mental health campaigner.

Carl Burton | Digital Brand Ambassador Ali Yates | Membership Marketing Ross East | Marketing Executive MANAGEMENT Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Advisor & Co-Founder Steve White | Finance Director Happiful c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley Surrey, GU15 3YL Contact Us hello@happiful.com

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happiful.com Issue 7

I told him about Happiful. The driver rotated his head like an owl.

“There’s an actual magazine about mental health?” he said.

I asked why he looked surprised.

He told me he had owned a restaurant with some family members, but it turned out to be a disaster. There were squabbles. People took sides. The business suffered and within a year the restaurant had closed. The experience him left him with deep depression. He couldn’t talk to anyone about it.

Then, last Christmas, his sister-in-law invited him to dinner. When he arrived, the whole family was waiting. They talked it over.

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He says he’s much happier now, and plans to open another restaurant – with the same family members.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Absolutely,” he said. “What matters is not how much you agree with your family, but how you deal with your disagreements.”

These words hit me like a train.

Inspired, I called a long-lost friend who’s recently been on my mind.

We’re meeting up for Christmas. I can’t wait to see her.

Life is very short. But if we talk things over we can heal a lot of pain. I hope this Christmas is a good one for everyone, everywhere.

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Positive news that transforms the world

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Positive ISSUES

MINDFUL ADVICE ON MAKING SOCIAL CONNECTIONS

Social connections are crucial at this time of year

1 Keep in contact Utilise technology and try calling, texting or using FaceTime when you can’t be together in person.

2 Have a chat It’s the season of goodwill, so it’s easier to talk to people you meet out and about.

3 Volunteer Not only does volunteering let you help others in need, but it’s a great way to meet people.

4 Try a new hobby Whether a book club or a gym class, you’ll have opportunities for regular meetings with people who share your interests.

5 Explore the web We’re now connected with billions of people all over the globe. There are support communities like Mind’s elefriends.org.uk to build friendships online. It’s worth a surf!

SOCIETY

How to prevent a lonely Christmas Mental health charity Mind launches a campaign aimed at significantly reducing the number of people feeling alone over the festive season It’s the most wonderful time of the year – or so they say. Research from Mind in November 2016 found that people with a mental health problem are “almost twice as likely to be spending Christmas alone” than people without a mental health problem. The charity’s research also discovered that those with mental health issues can be with a crowd, but are still more than twice as likely to feel alone than other people around them (40% vs 16%).

Mind’s analysis found that while 17% of the wider population feel “lonelier at Christmas than any other time of the year”, for people with a mental health problem, the figure is significantly higher, at 39%.

Based on this research, Mind’s 2017 Christmas appeal will urge people to donate so that the charity can focus

on eradicating, or at least significantly reducing, the number of people feeling alone at this time of year.

As inherently social beings, we need to feel connected to others for our own wellbeing, with loneliness being linked to depression, stress and difficulty sleeping.

A recent US study discovered that loneliness is actually deadlier than obesity, with lonely people having a 50% increased risk of an early death compared to people with a good social network. Comparatively, obesity increases the chance of dying before the age of 70 by 30%.

Stephen Buckley, Head of Information at Mind, said: “There is a lot of emphasis placed on Christmas and its significance, and there are expectations that it should be a time for celebration with family and

friends. Many people in touch with Mind say that at Christmas, existing problems seem even bigger – if you are lonely, it can highlight how lonely you are.”

So, what does Mind advise?

Buckley recommends keeping in touch with neighbours, family and friends using technology, even if you can’t see each other face-to-face, and to “make the most of everyday opportunities for social contact – have a chat in the shop or at the bus stop”.

For anyone concerned about their feelings of loneliness, Mind recommends speaking to your local GP, or trying Mind’s supportive online community elefriends.org.uk. The charity also has more information on coping with loneliness on their website at mind.org.uk/Christmas.

Rebecca Thair

December 2017 • happiful • 7

The Uplift | News

Grab your trainers, it’s R.E.D January!

Research says regular exercise can decrease the risk of depression

SOCIETY

Want to truly understand people?

First get to know yourself Research suggests empathy begins by looking inward Understanding other people is never easy, but according to new research published in the journal Cognitive Enhancement, researchers believe there’s a link between how well we know ourselves and how we understand others.

In the study, led by Dr Anne Böckler, 141 participants took part in a three-month “contemplative training course”, a scheme to understand different aspects of their personalities.

Each person took a “Theory of Mind” test, which involved watching video clips of people telling autobiographical stories, before answering a questionnaire about the storytellers’ intentions.

Then, for the next three months, they practised a specific kind of meditation, during which they were asked to objectively observe their thoughts, and then classify their answers into the perspectives of “me or other”, “past or future” and “positive or negative”. In addition, they attended training sessions in which participants paired up and took turns being a speaker and a listener. The speaker described an event of the day from the selected perspectives, and the listener would guess “who” was talking.

After three months, they revisited the “Theory of Mind” test. Results revealed a correlation between test improvements and the number of personalities identified in their partner, suggesting the better we know ourselves, the better we are at reading others. Kathryn Wheeler 8 • happiful • December 2017

When Hannah Beecham witnessed the life-changing effect that exercise had on her mum’s mental health, she knew she had to spread the word – and that’s how Run Every Day January (R.E.D January) was born.

The challenge is to brush off our January blues and get outside for a run, jog, or even a walk, every day in the month, in order to raise awareness about the millions of people suffering with depression and other mental illnesses. It’s free to take part, and any money raised is donated to the mental health charity Mind. To find out more about getting involved in R.E.D January in your local area, visit their website: runeverydayjanuary.com

HUGS

THE SCIENCE OF BEING LIKEABLE A paper published in Social and Personality Psychology Compass claims the reason that people often make bad impressions is not because they are unlikeable, but because they adopt “counterproductive presentational” tactics.

Unsurprisingly, the four worst tactics were: backhanded compliments, humble-bragging, hypocrisy, and hubris.

Why cuddles are so important In a University College London study, 84 women played a ball game with computer-generated characters. They were then deliberately excluded from the game, before being blindfolded and their forearms touched with a soft brush at either a fast, neutral or slow “deliberate” speed. Those touched at a slow speed felt less excluded, demonstrating that slow caressing – like cuddling! – can help with social support and reduce emotional pain.

Image: Drop of Light / Shutterstock.com

OUTDOORS

Empathy? It begins with ourselves

Positive ISSUES

RELATIONSHIPS

EDUCATION

4 ways to stop bullying in school US researchers Sharon Padgett and Charles Notar advise the following:

Harmful effects of bullying reduce over time – study Scientists say the mental health impact of childhood bullying appears to dissipate over the years, suggesting recovery is possible The negative impacts of bullying in childhood appear to lessen after five years, a new UK study suggests. Research by University College London published in JAMA Psychiatry looked at 11,000 twins over a period of five years through adolescence, exploring the connections between bullying and mental health issues, such as anxiey and depression.

Previous studies have shown that bullied children are more likely to suffer mental illness.

However, the new study differs by using over 11,000 participants from the Twins Early Development Study (TEDS), meaning that researchers could take environmental influences into account (with the twins growing up together), as well as genetics.

Researchers asked the participants and their parents to complete questionnaires, where at

ages 11 and 14 they were asked about “peer victimisation”, and at 11 and 16 were revealing their mental health difficulties. The study found that once they accounted for genetics and environmental factors, there was still evidence of bullying resulting in anxiety, depression, impulsivity and behaviour problems. They noted that while anxiety remained after two years, after five years there wasn’t an effect on any of those mental health issues.

Study author, Dr Pingault, said: “While our findings show that being bullied leads to detrimental mental health

•

Bullying almost always occurs in front of others, but studies have found bystanders only intervene 10% of the time.

Engaging these bystanders is key in preventing bullying.

•

Act out bullying scenarios with students, including the bully, the victim, and the bystander. Once people accept that a bystander is a part of the situation, and feel empathy for the victim, they are more likely to speak out against bullying.

•

Utilise buddy systems, where students are paired with peers or older students, who can be relied on for support.

•

Offer problem-solving workshops. These help reduce victimisation of children who’ve experienced bullying, and provide opportunities to talk, share and discuss.

outcomes, they also offer a message of hope by highlighting the potential for resilience.”

While it’s good news that children can recover from the detrimental impact bullying can have on mental health, it’s still important that schools tackle bullying head-on. Bernadka Dubicka, from the Royal College of Psychiatrists, noted: “It is vital that schools have whole-school bullying approaches to help tackle this problem, and also that we can provide adequate mental health services to support young people when they are in distress.” Rebecca Thair December 2017 • happiful • 9

The Uplift | News

2017 – A Year of Great News!

HAPPIFUL REVIEW: It’s been a watershed 12 months for mental health awareness

‘BURNING INJUSTICES’

ARTISTS TRANSFORM MENTAL HEALTH WARD

Happiful launches!

Theresa May gives a parliamentary speech pledging more help for people with depression, and a move to reduce the number of suicides.

“If you suffer from mental health problems, there’s not enough help to hand,” said May. Employers should also take a bigger role in their staff’s mental health, and measures would be introduced to help schools with vulnerable pupils, added May.

Wonder drug for dementia!

A psychiatric ward in London undergoes a renovation. The ward, which houses patients with schizophrenia, covers its “blank” walls with artwork by artists, including Turner Prize-winner Nick Knight.

The UK’s only mainstream magazine devoted to better mental health and wellbeing launches on 20 March, the International Day of Happiness!

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Royals put Heads Together Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton joins Princes William and Harry on a national campaign, “Heads Together”, to encourage the public to talk more openly about mental health issues.

Harry sought counselling Constructive progress!

“Mates in Mind” is launched by the Health in Construction Leadership Group to raise awareness & understanding of poor mental health in the construction sector. The campaign’s mission is to bring the industry together to address the stigma of mental ill health.

10 • happiful • December 2017

It’s our Harry again. This time, the prince creates a tectonic shift in public opinion by revealing he sought counselling to cope with grief issues, following the death his mother, Diana, Princess of Wales. The announcement is widely praised by mental health charities. “There was a lot of stuff that I needed to deal with,” said Harry.

STORIES

DJ PANDORA

“I’m a strong believer in the fact you’re only here once”

22/03/2017 16:54

Scientists discover a drug to halt neurodegenerative brain diseases, including Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, multiple sclerosis and Huntington’s.

“It’s really exciting,” Professor Giovanna Mallucci from the MRC Toxicology Unit in Leicester, told the media.

Neurodegenerative diseases are those where the brain cells and spinal cord cells are lost, causing the loss of control of movements. These diseases can have overwhelmingly devastating effects.

LONDON MARATHON GETS MOOD BOOST Matthew Rees stops 300m from the finish line to help a fellow runner in need. “You’ve just encompassed everything that’s so special about the London Marathon” race officials later tweeted.

Positive ISSUES

A RIVER BECOMES A ‘LIVING ENTITY’ New Zealand’s parliament recognises the Whanganui River, on North Island, as having the same legal rights as its Kiwi citizens. The law is the first of its kind in the world, and protects the entire 300km river as a “living entity”, which means if you abuse it, you could be taken to court.

Children & elderlies share same home!

A nursery and a home for the elderly join forces and appear together on the same grounds. The first experiment of its kind in the UK, Nightingale House, a residential, nursing and dementia care home for elderly Jewish men and women in Clapham, southwest London, opened its doors to over 30 children in a move to crush the “age apartheid” that culturally keeps these two age groups apart. Literally everyone – the elders, the youngsters, and the staff – were thrilled to bits.

Ketamine treatment for depression ‘should be rolled out’ Doctors are calling for the use of ketamine in treating severe depression to be rolled out nationwide.

A treatment centre in Oxford, provides an NHS Foundation Trust ketamine service to people with severe depression, and found that 40% of patients showed continued improvement.

EMOJI STUDY PROVES GLOBAL UNDERSTANDING Researchers at Michigan University examined more than 1.2 billion messages and found the top five emojis used were: 1) face with tears of joy, 2) heart, 3) heart-shaped eyes, 4) blowing a kiss, and 5) smiling face. “These symbols, as a ubiquitous new language, make it easier to communicate across cultural barriers,” said researchers. LOL.

2017 – A YEAR OF TROUBLING NEWS It’s been a fantastic year for mental health awareness, but it would be irresponsible of Happiful not to recognise the critical problems that still face our society. Overwhelmed services, unequal access to mental health treatments, exhausted professionals, rising psychological problems in young people, alarming spikes in selfharming among girls, spikes in depression, spikes in anxiety, spikes in people losing their jobs due to a lack of mental health awareness in the workplace... and many more troubling statistics. The unassailable truth is that our current system isn’t working. As a society, we need to talk. And we need to change. Let’s hope 2018 delivers that change.

Instagram can diagnose depression better than doctors

According to researchers from the University of Vermont and Harvard University, Instagram can be used to diagnose depression more accurately than doctors. Dr Christopher Danforth and Dr Andrew Reece discovered that an algorithm used to flag key signs in participants’ Instagram posts could diagnose depression 28% more effectively than doctors.

Google offers free test for depression Autism is different for girls Autistic women and girls struggle more with organisational tasks than their male counterparts, according to the largest ever study into executive functioning in autism spectrum disorders (ASD).

With the ratio of male to female people on the ASD spectrum being 3:1, most previous research focuses on the male perspective. Recognising that autistic females struggle more with these two elements assists with diagnosis, and means that support can be better tailored.

Americans searching on Google for depressionrelated terms now see a “knowledge graph” and the option to take the PHQ-9 screening questionnaire, as used by mental health professionals. If it proves popular, the tech giant will lanch the initiative in the UK. According to a 2015 study, people trust higher-ranked Google results. By creating a “graph” with a positive focus and placing it in the number one spot after paid adverts, we should (hopefully) see a positive impact on the number of people seeking official diagnosis and treatment.

PARLIAMENT DEBATES MENTAL HEALTH EDUCATION IN SCHOOLS The government holds a parliamentary debate on making mental health education compulsory in schools, following overwhelming support. The announcement comes after a petition by HeaducationUK, which is spearheaded by the mental health charity, The Shaw Mind Foundation, achieved more than 100,000 signatures.

It’s the first time in British history that a mental health charity has reached so many signatures on the government’s website.

December 2017 • happiful • 11

The Uplift | The Explainer

What is

Imposter Syndrome?

Ever get the feeling people think you’re a fraud? Or worse, that you don’t deserve to be where you are? Don’t worry, it turns out we all feel like a charlatan sometimes

FEELING UNMASKED?

Writing | Lucy Cavendish

H

ow to describe imposter syndrome? Let’s take two friends of mine. I have one privately-educated, bluestocking, slim, blonde, well-spoken friend who is a successful writer. She is bubbly, attractive and married with children. She holds down a very successful career, appears on umpteen chat shows, is always on the radio, and seems to glide through life on an invisible, upwardlymobile elevator that never breaks down.

I also have another friend who is short, slightly tubby, bald and wears glasses.

He left his (northern-based) school at 15 without a single qualification, but through hard work, natural aptitude and a deeplyheld belief that he must provide for his family, he has ended up being one of our country’s highest-earning executives.

He has many houses, holidays several times a year, owns various expensive cars and spends his weekends fraternising with the great and good of the land. He wears cashmere jumpers and leather shoes, and always looks very well-turned out, if somewhat uncomfortable.

I like both of these friends very much.

They are kind, relaxing, amusing company and they are both generous to a fault.

But, if I asked most people which of these two people might suffer from

12 • happiful • December 2017

imposter syndrome, most people, including therapists, would go for the working-classboy-made-good.

The truth is they both suffer from it.

My upper class female friend – despite her privileged upbringing – admitted to me one day that whenever she goes out to a party/work meeting/authors’ dinner, she somehow feels she doesn’t belong there.

I couldn’t believe this when she admitted it to me. I always thought she had everything sorted out. But she told me she always feels as if people were endlessly judging her, and not in a good way.

“I feel intellectually inferior,” she said. “It’s as if I shouldn’t really be here, wherever I am. I feel tongue-tied when I talk.

Outwardly, I know I look capable. But inside I’m terrified.”

She couldn’t really put it any better.

Imposter syndrome is that sense that we don’t really belong where we are and that, somehow, we have pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes.

It engenders a crippling sense of insecurity and plays on our lack of self-esteem and can, at times, feel crippling.

As the English psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott might put it, imposter syndrome is when our True Self butts up against our False Self. Or, as my friend said: “It’s like the quivering wreck I believe I really am

The imposter voice is a punishing voice. It tells us we’re not good enough, that we’ll be ‘found out’

is in contact with the more flamboyant, outwardly-sociable self I hide behind.”

Maybe there is room for manoeuvre here.

The True Self may not be a quivering wreck and the imposter – the confident False Self – may be masking that fact; yet the True Self will certainly have more value than my friend thinks.

In my counselling practice, I often feel a tinge of being an imposter. I would think most therapists do. I sit in my chair and I know there are certain expectations that my client, quite rightly, assumes. Many thoughts race through my mind before I meet a client for the first time. Am I able and capable of doing this job?

At the essence, there’s a split – there’s me and then there’s “therapist me” and it is the joining of those two personas that helps and supports the therapeutic relationship.

I need to be me, Lucy-Therapist.

The imposter voice is a punishing voice. It tells us we are not good enough, that we will be “found out” for who we really are, and

Trending UPDATE

that deep down inside, our actions are unacceptable. Our fear is that, if people find out who we are, we will be judged and that judgement will expose us as lacking.

Many celebrities – the last people you’d think would suffer from imposter syndrome – suffer from it. Actress Emma Stone has revealed she has been in therapy since a young age and she still suffers from anxiety.

Imposter syndrome comes essentially from existential fear – “What if we are seen for who we are and not who we are pretending to be?” Notice the “who we are” bit has negative connotations.

Even social media stars, with huge followings, feel as if they are imposters.

They create an online world that may seem a million miles away from what is actually going on in their lives.

Actors, too, are prone because they literally play imposters. In order to do their job well, they have to inhabit the personality, and sometimes the physical shape, of the character they are playing.

This can leave them feeling as if they are a shell, or a shape-shifter with very little sense of their real persona.

Have you ever noticed public figures talking about themselves in the third person? Boxer Lennox Lewis always used to say things like: “Lennox doesn’t do that”. In many ways, the boxing champ was at odds with his gentle giant side – who he really was in everyday life. In order to cope, Lewis split the boxer persona from his real persona.

Therapy can help us with this feeling of not fitting in. We learn many life lessons in childhood, especially how to fit in. We are mutable beings. We adapt ourselves to the situations. However, sometimes the personas we take on do not fit us well – or maybe they do but their usage is limited.

We can learn a lot from our feelings of being an imposter. We can learn to look at why we have felt the need to “pretend” to be someone else. We may also find that we’re not an imposter at all – insecurity about ourselves and what we do (and how others perceive us) is the human condition. It only becomes a problem when it affects our daily wellbeing.

We are not an imposter at all – insecurity about ourselves, and how others perceive us, is the human condition One way to look at these feelings is to consider the fact that what we tell ourselves is really a story. My female friend’s story is: “Everyone at this table knows I shouldn’t really be here.” She could, however, tell herself an adapted version: “I am perfectly capable. I have worked hard. I deserve to be here.” She may then begin to accept and amalgamate all those tricky feelings of being found out.

Most of us are pretty good at being us. But here’s a secret – most of us also worry that we are being imposters. None of us are alone in this way.

Lucy Cavendish is a BACP-registered integrative counsellor. For more information please go to lucycavendishcounselling.com.

Visit counselling-directory.org.uk to find a professional in your area.

December 2017 • happiful • 13

Happiful Hack

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SUBTLE SIGNS

Recognising High-Functioning Anxiety at work Anxiety is the second most reported work-related health problem in the UK, beaten only by back pain. But once we understand the signs of someone struggling with anxiety, we can work to create a positive and compassionate environment for all Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

G

eneralised Anxiety Disorder comes in many forms. While some people may be deterred from engaging with the world, those living with high-functioning anxiety could feel compelled to do more: to overwork, overthink and over-perform. High-functioning anxiety can be hard to identify as those experiencing it are often able to carry out their days as normal, all while experiencing high levels of stress and anxiety below the surface.

With one in 10 people experiencing a “disabling anxiety disorder” at some point in their lives, and 80% of people reporting high levels of stress in their jobs, the workplace can become a breeding ground for festering anxiety. But all of this can be avoided simply by checking in with colleagues, and consciously working towards a more understanding, sensitive working environment.

Here are seven signs to watch for:

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1

The perfectionist

Anxiety often leads people to overthink situations.

Constantly revisiting problems and obsessing over the tiniest of details will inevitably cause a lot of stress, but can also present itself as perfectionism.

On the surface this may look like consistently flawless work, but the process behind this has been full of anxious, meticulous thought, often with high levels of self-criticism.

Life LESSONS

2

Apologising. a lot

We, the British, love to apologise. But those with high-functioning anxiety often find themselves caught fixating over the details of each interaction, leading them to feel the need to apologise for things they perceive to be wrong. This could be anything from “asking too many questions”, to simply “being annoying”. Whether or not these things have any truth to them, high levels of anxiety can lead to finding fault with things others don’t see.

3

Being overly critical

What To Do?

It’s good work practice to be able to take constructive criticism. But if your colleague unquestioningly accepts any criticism of their work, and is overlycritical themselves, it may be a sign that they’re suffering with high-functioning anxiety. Having already agonised over the particulars of a project, being over-critical is part of the perfectionism and unattainably high standards that high-functioning anxiety brings.

4

For many, being able to open up about their stress, and have someone acknowledge that it’s valid, can mean a lot. Listen to them, be understanding, and above all, don’t judge them. Sharing what’s stressing them will hopefully mean it feels less of a burden than facing it on their own.

Controlling

It can be natural to want to take the lead on a project that means a lot to you, but those with high-functioning anxiety disorder may come across as overly controlling. Rather than seeing this as an unattractive personality trait, it may be worth considering the reasons behind your co-worker’s need to control the situation, and allow them the space to progress in a way that makes them feel most secure.

6

Part of high-functioning anxiety can be a fear of letting others down. Your co-worker may say yes to every project, no matter how much pressure that may put them under. This could be indicative of over-thinking again, or can be part of perfectionism that means that they’re unable to lose control, and so take responsibility for whole projects when the responsibility could be shared.

1 in 10 people experience a disabling anxiety disorder at some point in their life

5

worst-case scenario

Imagining every situation as a worst-case scenario doesn’t necessarily mean your colleague has a negative outlook on life. Rather, it could be a product of over-thinking, which may manifest itself in negative thoughts and fearing the worst in every possible outcome.

Never saying ‘no’

7

Ticks

Sometimes, people with high-functioning anxiety disorder develop ticks, which are physical manifestations of their internal stress and anxiety.

This comes out in a number of ways, from biting nails to constantly tapping feet. While these ticks may just look like habits, they represent a lot of internal stress and restlessness, common in those suffering with anxiety disorders.

For more information, or to get help dealing with anxiety, visit Anxiety UK at anxietyuk.org.uk or speak to a counsellor.

You can find a professional near you at counselling-directory.org.uk

December 2017 • happiful • 15

Pyjama set by Zara, shoes by Havva

A Journey Begins With A Single Step For Louise Thompson, 2017 has been a transformative year.

The original cast member of Made in Chelsea has quit the party scene and created a promising new career in fitness – with a sportswear line, a book on positivity, and a million followers on Instagram. But the greatest improvement has been to her mind. For the first time, she opens up about her battles with anxiety, depression, codependency and her self-destructive drinking streak. ‘It’s an ever-evolving journey,’ she tells Happiful, ‘but I’m a happier, calmer person now’ INTERVIEW | GEMMA CALVERT PHOTOGRAPHY | JOSEPH SINCLAIR SET DESIGN | GILL NICHOLAS

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wo hours into our Christmas photoshoot at a beautiful house in south-west London, Happiful calls for a tea break. Louise Thompson, our cover star, sits in the kitchen having her brown hair extensions straightened when a plate of chocolate biscuits starts doing the rounds.

“Ooh yes please!” she says, snatching one off the plate. “I’m wearing clothes that cover me up today so I can eat whatever I like.” Most of Louise’s photoshoots require her to wear very little – and on one recent shoot, nothing at all. With those kind of shoots, not a single morsel will pass her lips until the final image is in the bag. But today, with Happiful, she’s relaxed and in her element.

Now 27, Louise has been photographed for most of her adult life, from the moment, in fact, she joined the BAFTA-winning reality show Made in Chelsea in 2011. But it’s only over the past year – a year in which Louise transformed her physique into a toned and taut fitness star – that her body has become the main attraction.

Four gym sessions a week, a brow-wiping eight hours of low cardio, high resistance exercises, plus reformer pilates, are responsible for Louise’s new lean muscle mass. “I work out a lot, to the point where I kill myself,” she confesses. “I like to really punish my body.” Blimey.

Still, others gain from Louise’s pain. More than one million Instagram followers devour her daily upload of fitness and fashion posts, plus the occasional video of her exercising, Cirque du Soleil-style, with her personal trainer boyfriend of 18 months, Ryan Libbey.

Her physical transformation is undeniably spectacular, but the biggest change in Louise can’t be cropped or filtered on social media. The greatest improvement is to her mind. And it’s something she works on every day. It’s also the reason she’s talking with Happiful today.

“Exercise has been more of a mental transformation,” Louise says. “I’ve taught myself how to do that.”

Fame, and the pitfalls of fame, came quickly to Louise. She joined Made in Chelsea one year into her geography degree at Edinburgh University, and quickly became overwhelmed by juggling the sudden and unexpected media attention with the pressures of study, and relationship dramas. Her coping mechanism? Drinking to oblivion.

“My mental state was all over the place,” she admits.

“I didn’t think of myself as a human being who I should look after, I just bulldozed through life.” Booze was the demolisher. “I was studying, then getting on a train to film the show, and none of it was making me happy. I’d go out, get so wasted to the point of blacking out, and then be really hungover the whole of the next day.” Three days later, once she felt “normal” again, Louise would hit replay.

“It was a really bad cycle,” she admits. “Every time I was hungover I’d think, ‘I can’t live my life like this’ but then I’d do it again.”

Louise acknowledges her relationship with alcohol was “unhealthy” and that her drinking masked deeper, fundamental problems. “I was really, really unhappy. It must have been a lack of confidence – I would drink in order to not think about things.”

She says her drinking was sparked by her first romantic break-up at 18, after her boyfriend of two years cheated on her. With her selfconfidence in tatters, instead of “talking out” her emotions, she turned to alcohol to escape her insecurities.

“I was on a slippery slope and it got worse and worse,” Louise says. “I was all over the place. I would go out and get really drunk and forget about everything. I was never a horrible drunk or aggressive, but I would embarrass myself, so I would have to pick up the pieces for the next few days.”

Emotionally at sea, Louise began experiencing anxiety attacks. She feared leaving the safety of her student room. “When I was hungover and had spent all my money, I’d search under my bed for 60p to buy Super Noodles, which I’d then cook with hot water from my sink because I didn’t want to be in the student kitchen. I’d have really bad anxiety.”

The anxiety grew worse, even when Made in Chelsea was in the works. Louise sometimes avoided friends, and would often decline invitations to spend time together. “I just wanted to be on my own,” she says.

Continues >>>

Dress by Preen × LK Bennett

My mental state was all over the place. I didn’t think of myself as a human being who I should look after, I just bulldozed through life.

I was really, really unhappy

December 2017 • happiful • 19

Then, while working a summer job at the Queen’s Club (the private tennis club in London), Louise experienced a terrifying anxiety attack. She collapsed at work.

“I’d driven myself crazy in my head, and had to quit because I was getting migraines that were completely induced by stress. I thought I was really ill, and insisted on getting a brain scan at Charing Cross Hospital. I can’t believe this was me,” she says, shaking her head.

The cause of her anxiety, says Louise, was in how she approached relationships. Like everyone else, the origins began in childhood.

She enjoyed a fortunate upbringing. Raised in Notting Hill by her parents Michael, 68, a self-made millionaire who bought and sold property, and stay-at-home mum Denise, 56, Louise attended the prestigious Downe House boarding school (former pupils include Kate Middleton, Miranda Hart and Clare Blading). She excelled academically, achieving straight As in all subjects, and within the structured routine of school boarding – “instructions and rules” – she shined. But at university, things changed.

“Every bit of discipline went out the window,” says Louise honestly. “I had been organised and in control of my life and then things fell apart because I had to make my own decisions.

I didn’t have people telling me what to do.”

In her attempt to restore a sense of structure, Louise jumped from one boyfriend to the next. At times, she was “completely blind” to being treated “really badly” by men who controlled her and became her primary focus.

“I became really codependent in a series of relationships, so I relied on that person to tell me what to do. That person became my life. That was my world. I didn’t care about anything else,” she explains. “I couldn’t be on my own. That was the only thing that I thought was worth living for at the time.”

A born self-analyser, Louise says her codependency and low self-confidence are rooted in trust issues. “In every relationship I have been cheated on, so that’s probably led me to have a lot of insecurities and trust issues,” she says. She tells Happiful she once inundated a university boyfriend with a “bombardment” of text messages. She describes this period of her life as “self-sabotage”.

The harmful cycle of binge drinking, hellish hangovers and heartbreak-fuelled anxiety, eventually took a greater toll on Louise’s wellbeing. Slowly, she realised she was mentally unwell.

“There was a time, after several of my break ups, that I definitely had depression,” she says. “The doctor prescribed me pills but it was a progressive medication so I decided not to take it.”

Louise turned to therapy when, as a duty of care, the executives on Made in Chelsea suggested counselling.

The intervention followed the demise of another two relationships, with her former co-stars Spencer Matthews and Andy Jordan.

“That was by no means my lowest point,” she clarifies.

“I went to a lovely lady’s house in north London and when I would go, I would cry. I would talk about stuff and it made me really upset. But I guess I did feel better. I’m also lucky because I had people I lived with who were really nice. They helped a lot.”

Research by American psychologist Arthur Aron suggests that when people are in close relationships their “self ” becomes intertwined with their partner’s “self ”.

So, when that relationship breaks down, the loss of a romantic partner can, in some cases, cause the loss of the self.

Louise understands.

“The moment I stopped feeling like that towards relationships is the moment that I became a happier, normal person,” she says, adding that learning from her past has also made her a calmer, more independent person. It’s also benefited her relationship with Ryan, 27, who she met after splitting from her ex, Alik Alfus, another former MIC star.

“I’m very self-aware,” says Louise of her relationship with Ryan. “I can see when I’m falling into any bad patterns.”

Obviously, she analyses herself a lot. “I do. I think I’ll always be someone who analyses things a lot. I enjoy analysing. I think I’d be a great therapist, not that you’re allowed to analyse.”

Ryan also clearly “gets” Louise – her strength, her vulnerability and her susceptibility to hormonal imbalance, which just one month before our interview left her feeling “negative” for a couple of weeks.

Louise says the rumours that her relationship with Ryan is on the rocks – sparked in October when she herself cryptically tweeted: “You learn more about someone at the end of a relationship than at the beginning. FACT” – are rubbish. Conversational references to “my boyfriend” are ten a penny during our interview. Louise she says they’re looking to buy a pet dog together. Continues >>>

I became really codependent in a series of relationships, so I relied on that person to tell me what to do. That person became my life.

That was my world. I didn’t care about anything else

20 • happiful • December 2017

Dress by Malene Birger, scarf by Kelly Simpkin, shoes by Nicholas Kirkwood

LOVE & CODEPENDENCY Codependency can refer to any relationship where one partner seems committed to making a bad relationship work, while the other is endlessly committed to making it worse, or does nothing at all.

The relationship is dysfunctional, but the codependent has an excessive reliance on it (and their partner), emotionally, physically and psychologically.

It has the potential to destroy a person’s happiness, wealth and personal relationships.

Being in a codependent relationship doesn’t mean you are weak. Being codependent is an emotional condition and anyone can find themselves becoming codependent.

Try talking to one another truthfully and honestly about the issues. Or you could try a talking therapy, or couples counselling (see page 35).

December 2017 • happiful • 21

Crucially, Louise wholeheartedly trusts that this relationship is The One. “I genuinely believe that me and Ryan will be together forever,” she says. “It would have to take something pretty catastrophic to go wrong, for that to fall apart, so I am very lucky. It’s so tragic, but so many marriages end in divorce.”

Louise’s parents divorced when she was 11.

She remembers the day that her parents sat her down with her younger brother Sam, now 25, also a MIC star. Louise thought she was about to be reprimanded for swiping chocolate from the fridge earlier that morning. “Then they told us they weren’t going to be together any more,” says Louise.

“I felt sad, but I was more confused because I didn’t understand the full story. I’d never seen unhappiness around the house. There was no cheating. It was more that they were really different people.”

Louise describes her mother as “really relaxed and easy to get along with” and her father as “regimented” and “organised”. Both parents she calls “liberal”. Both are pleased as Punch with their daughter.

Today, Louise’s world is healthy and bright.

Highly respected in the fitness world, she has her own sportswear line, Pocket Sport, and a book, Body Positive, coming out next year.

There’s also that impressive Insta following which Louise admits to getting “a bit of a thrill” when posting pictures. We discuss dopamine – the neurochemical known as the “reward molecule” – that comes with getting social media “likes”.

“That’s really scary, because soon the only satisfaction we’ll get is through our phones and technology,” says Louise. Before our interview, Louise watched a news report about the children’s helpline, Childline, which received more than 60 calls a day last year from children with suicidal thoughts. In the report, Childline founder Dame Esther Rantzen said: “‘What is it about the way we are treating our children that they feel so isolated that they turn to a helpline? I asked our counsellors that question and very often they say: social media.”

Louise worries about the negative effects of “image-crafting” – the social media art of posting perfect-looking pictures showing perfect lives. Is her Instagram a bit like that?

She nods solemnly. “This morning in the shower I thought, ‘I should just put up a really honest picture of myself ’.” Does she desire more authenticity?

22 • happiful • December 2017

Again, she nods.

“Maybe I should speak more openly,” she says. “A lot of my posts are very low brow – ‘Here’s a dress. Here’s where you can buy it.’

That’s not sending off a good message.”

Louise also thinks Made in Chelsea should drop the gloss and glamour, and get real. “I wish the show would be more explicit and honest. It’s supposed to be the reality of my life, but even that is so far from the truth. We don’t all have Lamborghinis and champagne.

Me, Ryan and Sam all live together and talk about serious topics, like relationships. They should film that side of things, because that’s more relatable.”

Is she beginning to question her involvement in the show? “I’m the only original [female] cast member left. Me and Jamie have been on it the longest now and I look at Jamie and think he’s an OAP on the show, and that it’s sad he still does it, and then I think that must be also what I am. I am finding myself increasingly frustrated because I’m on a better path and know the difference between right and wrong. I do get frustrated with them. I bicker with them because it’s not how I want it to be.”

Chelsea aside, Louise has also discovered a newfound respect for her body. As well as exercising, she only eats food with “nutritional benefits” but insists it isn’t a chore. “I’ve never had to cut anything out or make a change. It’s just been a progression. With the fitness thing, it’s an ever-evolving journey but I am now where I want to be.”

That journey began when she started dating Ryan, after falling for him during a gym session last August. We ask Louise if Ryan is essential to keeping her gym-motivated, which produces howls of laughter. “No!” she says. “But if we were to end, I’d never go back to the way I was before now. It’s selfdestructive. No one else cares what shape you’re in, or what you eat. If you really want to look after yourself, it’s as simple as just doing it for yourself.”

Like a positive domino effect, health has rewarded Louise with greater clarity of mind, increased self-confidence and, naturally, a brighter outlook on life. In turn, she has found true happiness in a grown-up relationship.

“You have to love yourself before you can be in a relationship with anyone else. You can’t be with someone unless you’re happy,” she says.

Anxiety still occasionally creeps in, but Louise has trained herself to be calmer by intentionally being less busy. >>>

FIVE PRACTICAL WAYS TO MANAGE ANXIETY TALK TO SOMEONE

Talking to someone you trust can ease the pressure and will give you a sense of relief.

It’s a reminder that people care – even when it feels like you’re on your own.

JUST BREATHE

Try breathing deeply through your nose for four seconds.

Exhale through your mouth for another four, keeping your shoulders relaxed.

Anxious feelings will pass.

KEEP A DIARY

Recording your feelings, and what happens when you feel anxious, helps you become more aware of your triggers.

Be sure to record successfully managed experiences.

STAY HEALTHY

You don’t have to follow a strict diet or a tough physical workout regime, but eating healthy foods and staying active can genuinely improve wellbeing.

COMPLEMENTARY THERAPIES

Yoga, meditation, massage and aromatherapy can help you with relaxation. There are many complementary therapies available, so pick the one that works for you.

December 2017 • happiful • 23

Jumper dress by Reiss, socks by Pringle Of Scotland

STYLING KRISHAN PARMAR | HAIR AMANDA CLARKE USING PAUL MITCHELL HAIR PRODUCTS | MAKE UP ALICE THEOBALD USING COSMETICS A LA CARTE AND SUKIN SKINCARE

“There are times when I do feel anxious. There are things I’ll never be that comfortable doing. I’ll never be good at speaking in front of big groups. I was on a panel at a fitness event recently and I was anxious before that.”

She now cherry-picks social engagements, usually only one per month, and on the rare occasion that she drinks alcohol, she limits herself to three drinks, maximum.

Is she scared of having one too many?

“Yeah, I do have to think about it,” she admits. “If I was to go on a night out, I have to set myself [a limit] because then I won’t be able to stop and I don’t want to regress.”

Since braving Chelsea’s glitzy, glamorous party scene without a glass in her hand, Louise says alcohol is having a profoundly negative effect on modern day social interaction.

“At Binky’s baby’s christening, I had one glass of champagne and everyone was drinking so much more,” she says. “A lot of people in my age group, who are in similar circles, are all really awkward and have anxiety. They drink to take that away.”

We ask Louise why she feels comfortable about talking so honestly about her anxiety for the first time. “It’s becoming really socially acceptable to speak about, but I guess I never thought it was something that I could help people with,” she says. And yet, just talking and sharing. We tell Louise she’ll be helping people in more ways than she can imagine.

24 • happiful • December 2017

I’m very self-aware and can see when I’m falling into any bad patterns. The moment I stopped feeling like that towards relationships is the moment I became a happier person

In another room, the Happiful crew are playing Christmas tunes. “Sam and I used to wake up really early on Christmas morning and open our stockings together,” Louise says. “We would let our parents lie in and then we’d have a big roast lunch.

It was a family unit.” This year, like the Wham! song playing in the next room, she’ll be spending it with someone special.

BE REALISTIC Learn to break things into manageable chunks and take one step at a time. You are moving forward with each step you take.

Charity | The Flying Seagull Project

The project has been flying high for nine years

The Flying Seagull Project Play is such a vital part of children’s development, but for kids living in refugee camps, it’s merely a memory.

That is, until Ash Perrin created his charitable circus troupe to tour the world and bring back the laughter Writing | Rebecca Thair

26 • happiful • December 2017

W

hen most of us think back to our childhood, we get nostalgic about playing outside, grazing our knees fearlessly climbing trees, or dreaming up imaginary worlds of wonder. But what if your childhood wasn’t full of fun, wonderment and play?

What if you had to grow up too soon?

What if your daily reality was facing sickness, or surviving through conflict?

Ash Perrin saw how some children in the world miss out on childhood. They live in harsh environments escaping persecution in refugee camps, are in treatment for medical conditions, or are homeless and alone. He recognised the importance of play and interaction in youngsters’ development and knew he could do something to help. And what he did is fantastic.

WHAT IS THE FLYING SEAGULL PROJECT?

In 2007, Ash Perrin (clown name Bash) created the Flying Seagull Project as a charity with volunteer clowns, musicians, magicians, and a whole host of other performers, who travel around the world, bringing light and laughter to children’s lives. As it stands, they’ve visited 15 different countries to deliver some muchneeded laughter. Ash says: “Every place is different but kids are the same all over the world. We try to make a difference wherever we go.”

WHAT DO THEY DO?

Initially, the Flying Seagull Project’s troupe connect with local organisations and charities to identify where their help in spreading happiness is most needed.

Laughter LIBERATORS

Giving more than 3,000 performances

Continues

They assess each situation to tailor their smile-giving gifts to it. In hospitals, they might send in clown doctors to cheer up children, or in refugee camps they might put on shows full of silliness for their audience.

The team also provide workshops to pass on their entertainment skills and make it an interactive extravaganza for the kids, as they play music, get involved in games, or learn circus skills.

Through their work, the Flying Seagull Project looks to build strong relationships with the people and communities they help. As the people involved are often socially isolated, making these meaningful connections is a key part of their aims.

And it’s clear they’re effective in doing so.

Sem Erkens, from the Belgian Red Cross, describes a recent visit: “We didn’t know what to expect, but they promised us laughter and fun. Looking back, it’s clear that they

Regardless of all the horrible things they have seen, and the harsh situations that they have been through, every child was able to laugh and love

delivered much more. Bash and his friends put a smile on all the children’s and parents’ faces. Regardless of all the horrible things they have seen, and the harsh situations that they have been through, every child was able to laugh and love.”

When it’s time for the troupe to spread smiles elsewhere, they ensure the laughter remains by providing equipment and training for their local partners. Ash says: “I love it when children work hard to learn a skill, whether juggling or a magic trick.

Experiences like that are brilliant, not only because they serve as a welcome distraction from the trauma of their journeys, and the chaos surrounding them, but because of the ongoing benefit – the ability to perform and entertain others again and again.”

December 2017 • happiful • 27

Charity | The Flying Seagull Project

FOUNDER ASH PERRIN We spoke to Ash Perrin, founder, director and CEO of the Flying Seagull Project about his incredible work.

“In 2007, I was on a backpacking holiday to Cambodia when I found myself playing guitar and doing magic in an orphanage,” he said. “The children were comfortable and happy, but it struck me that these were feelings they didn’t usually experience. I realised that as an entertainer, a clown, who cares passionately about the health and happiness of children, I should do as much as possible to spread love, light and laughter to those who need it most. I wrote the idea for the Flying Seagull Project on a piece of paper that night, and launched it three months later.

“The Flying Seagull Project has grown every year since 2008, in terms of both the number of volunteers and number of children reached, yet we are still very much a grassroots organisation.

“In late September, we embarked on our sixth mission to Greece in the last 18 months – starting in Lesvos, off the coast of Turkey. The conditions here are among the worst we’ve seen.

“But through the Flying Seagull Project, we’ve seen amazing transformations in the children: the burden of premature adulthood lifted; children who do not want to speak becoming vocal, loving members of the group; frowns, fear and anxiety replaced by smiles, positivity and confidence. Earlier this year in Idomeni, Greece, we saw 1,000 children a day, every day, for seven weeks. They would see us arriving on our unicycles, or hear our trumpets, and come running towards us singing and dancing.

“Apart from the lack of basic amenities, one of the biggest problems in refugee camps is boredom. There’s nothing to do. Then we turn up juggling, tightrope walking and playing instruments. We give the parents a welcome break and the children a chance to be kids again.”

Making more than 82,000 smiles

WHAT ARE THEIR PLANS FOR THE FUTURE?

While there are children out there in need of a smile, the Flying Seagull Project will continue to tour around, making children’s days. Ash says: “It isn’t a matter of whether we can change the world, it’s a matter of how many children’s lives we can improve. There is more that unites than divides us, so join the laugh-olution and make the world a better place.”

Want to know more?

HOW CAN YOU SUPPORT THEM?

If you’ve got a talent for acrobatics, singing, or simply a passion for making someone smile, you could join the flock of Seagulls as a volunteer. The team are always looking for more helpers who are bursting with energy and enthusiasm to share with the world.

Alternatively, you can help fund their projects by donating what you can or booking the entertainers for your own children’s party. All profits from parties go towards the Seagull’s charity projects, meaning that the laughter and smiles can ripple round the world.

28 • happiful • December 2017

Ash as ‘Bash’ the clown

theflying seagull project.com

How to Stay Healthy Over Christmas Looking after your mental health during the festive season is easier said than done. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Follow our stress-free Christmas guide to ensure your days stay merry and bright >>> Writing | Rachel Kelly

F

or many of us, ’tis the season to be jolly. We’ll be cracking open the champagne, gorging on hot mince pies and tucking into Christmas pudding. But for the UK’s mental health charities, Christmas is a time when those who suffer from mental illness feel especially vulnerable.

A 2015 survey by the mental health charity Mind showed that more than a third of people with mental health problems have self-harmed to cope with the pressures of Christmas. Far more worrying is the fact that 45% of people surveyed also considered taking their own life over the festive period.

Meanwhile, the Health and Social Care Information Centre found that 21,700 people were inpatients at mental health hospitals during the festive period in December 2014. The statistics make for sobering reading.

Each of us knows that for every jolly family gathering, complete with tinsel and turkey, there are thousands of families across the country with empty chairs at their tables – and this Christmas the figures are likely to worsen, given the recent spikes in mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, especially among teenage girls.

I’m no different.

In my case, it was trying to throw a Christmas party that tipped me into a second major breakdown in 2004. In the

30 • happiful • December 2017

run-up to the party, I had been trying to be all things to all people: the perfect mother, wife and friend, and attempting to tick every box despite increasing insomnia and rising levels of anxiety.

My to-do list was neverending. And I crashed.

Be kind to people.

Develop a more compassionate inner voice, and call upon it to counteract negative thinking

I remained unwell for the best part of two years, felled by a serious anxiety-driven depressive episode.

What, then, is the answer to avoiding a tumultuous Christmas season?

My own approach is somewhat different. This year, we’re not holding a big party.

Becoming a volunteer with the education department at a local prison has helped

me find a new perspective on the festive period, so too has running poetry workshops for mental health charities.

As an ambassador for the mental health charities SANE and Rethink Mental Illness, this year I am trying in a tiny way to make a tiny difference.

After a recent family summit, we have decided to streamline our present-giving: all the adults are getting a paperback this year.

And there’s one trip to what is arguably the least stressful kind of shop: a potter in a bookshop.

Also, a friend swears by using only paper plates for her Christmas lunch; another serves choc ices so that “you don’t even need to wash up the spoons”.

Every little helps.

I have also tried to reassess my relations with others. Christmas is a time when many of us feel obliged to maintain friendships and other relationships.

As everyone knows, family gatherings can be a source of great strength and joy; but for many, they are a source of tension, anxiety and simmering hostility.

There’s no magic solution to alleviating Christmas stress, especially the flurry of activity that comes with shopping for presents and decorations. But the best present of all would be a nice, calm, happy you on Christmas morning.

To help guide you through a stress-free Yuletide, here’s my top tips for staying calm and well over the holidays:

DON’T FORGET TO BREATHE When we are anxious, our breathing becomes fast and shallow. When we breathe more slowly, this forces our racing minds to slow down. It can help to close one nostril with a finger – this means we breathe at half the rate than normal, rather like when we have a cold. I stop and breathe in this way perhaps six or seven times a day around the Christmas season.

NOURISH YOUR BODY There is strong evidence linking depression with good and bad fats. Find good fats in oily fish like mackerel, salmon, anchovies, sardines, trout, tuna and whitebait, and in nuts like walnuts, flaxseeds and hemp seeds. (I remember that walnuts are good for my brain by the fact they actually look rather brain-like!) Try to make sure that your meals remain balanced, and avoid quick, festive sugar fixes. If 80% of your meals are nourishing, you can relax about what you eat on sociable Christmas outings. Also, if your family agree, swap your turkey for poached salmon instead. And remember: edible presents are a good way to solve what to eat and what to give in one fell swoop.

If you feel your anxiety rising, slow your breathing, making sure your out-breath is longer than your in-breath

LIMIT YOUR ALCOHOL Initially, alcohol can make us feel relaxed and happy – but pretty quickly this effect is reversed. Alcohol literally depletes the bit of our brain that’s responsible for making us feel jolly, and contributes to insomnia too. If you do drink, limit your consumption to two or three glasses, with breaks in between to give your liver a chance to recover. Choose red wine over white, as this has some health-giving properties.

When you’re not drinking alcohol, drink still or sparkling water with lemon, lime, ginger and spices instead of sugary options or diet sodas. Sweeteners have been linked to low mood in some studies.

TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK

Don’t be afraid to ask family members or friends for help

Seriously, you’d be surprised at how many people are more than happy to join forces for a less stressful Christmas all round. Another thing to be mindful of is dominating the festive proceedings. Turn control into curiosity. Often we boss others when we ourselves are anxious. Allow others to be their best selves.

December 2017 • happiful • 31

ENJOY THE OUTDOORS Research shows that exercise can be very effective in boosting our mood. We all know about endorphin highs, but I’ve never been sporty and I have a fear of gyms. I do, however, like getting things done and so love combining chores with exercise – both are less boring as a result. I bicycle to pick up Christmas decorations from the local market. You, too, can make outdoor exercise very enjoyable.

Why not pick up a Christmas tree rather than ordering one online? It might seem time-consuming, but your festive spirits will feel the benefit.

A short burst of exercise is often a good distraction, especially if it snows!

GOOD QUALITY SLEEP Worrying about not sleeping is far more damaging than actually not sleeping. Our bodies make sure we get the sleep we need as long as we can be flexible about when we sleep, and catch up when we can. If you become tense when you feel you should be asleep, try practising muscle relaxation and breathing techniques.

Just because it’s the Christmas season it shouldn’t alter your sleep routine too much. Our bodies love routine, so keep to your normal schedule as much as possible, otherwise you risk suffering the symptoms of jet-lag – even if you haven’t gone away.

EMBRACE THE POETRY OF YULETIDE There’s lots of data showing that singing in groups boosts our collective mood. Christmas carols are full of consoling, healing language, and some are highly poetic. Poetry has proved to be a lifeline for me. It’s free, has no side effects, and helps fill up the spaces otherwise occupied by my insistent worrying. Poetry also makes me feel less alone (my beloved poets have become friends). And poetry gives me words to describe how I’m feeling when I cannot find them for myself.

One of my favourite carols, In the Bleak Midwinter, was originally written by English poet Christina Rossetti.

BE KIND

Practise a random act of kindness, preferably to a stranger 32 • happiful • December 2017

Being kind to others has a very real effect on our happiness.

We become kinder to ourselves and develop a more compassionate, accepting inner voice which we can call upon to help us counteract negative thinking. Healing mantras act as a balm for my hurt mind. Two favourites are “My strength is made perfect in weakness” and “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here” (from the poem Desiderata by Max Ehrmann). I stick these on my bathroom mirror and use them as gentle reminders.

Christmas Troubles

Mental health charity Mind found three key reasons for people struggling over Christmas. From people surveyed, 41% worried about debt, 83% felt lonely, and 81% felt stressed. Learn to watch and manage any tendencies to suffer from depression or anxiety over Christmas, and try to gain an understanding of how not to overdo things.

SLOW DOWN!

FINALLY, YOU KNOW BEST

A technique that can help you experience the “eternal present” is mindfulness, a non-judgmental way of focusing attention on what we are feeling in the moment. My challenge has been incorporating this into my everyday life. The answer has been to make a daily activity a mindful one: I use hand washing. I pay particular attention to the sensation of cold water, the sound of the tap, the smell of the soap. These mindful moments provide full stops amid the rush, and a reminder to slow down. As you’d expect, I have very clean hands in December!

Seriously: you know best. Make a list of your own top warning signs that are making you feel stressed and overwhelmed as the big day approaches. Print it out, make a few copies, laminate them and put them in strategic places – on the bathroom mirror, in your bag, or next to your desk.

And please remember to be as gentle as you can on yourself.

This too will pass. Merry Christmas.

Rachel Kelly is a writer, public speaker and mental health campaigner. She is an official ambassador for Rethink Mental Illness, Young Minds, SANE and The Counselling Foundation.

You can follow Rachel on Twitter at @RachelKellyNet

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APPRECIATE CLOSE ONES We are so lucky.

For every smile, laugh, cuddle or chat.

Love THERAPY

Is Couples Counselling Right For You? When couples encounter problems in their relationship, they can sometimes spend years trying to figure out the root of the conflict – without success.

When done correctly, couples counselling can strengthen the bonds.

But, as our expert counsellor warns, be careful what you wish for >>> Writing | Fe Robinson

Couples Counselling

C

ouples counselling isn’t complex.

Essentially, it’s a specialised kind of talking therapy where two people sit down with a counsellor to talk about the way they are relating. Typically, it’s for two people in a romantic relationship. However, it can also be used by any two people wanting to improve their relationship, such as two family members, or two business partners.

Couples counselling exists to help you see clearly what is currently happening in your relationship, to be clear about what you would like to be different, and to enable you to bridge the gap.

It’s dynamically different to one-toone counselling because there are three people in the room, but it shares the same values: confidentiality, a code of ethics, and a focus on you and your needs. What it’s not about is the opinions or preferred outcomes of the counsellor.

WHAT COUPLES COUNSELLING DOES

In couples counselling, you gain new perspectives about each other and the way you relate, and you also learn new ways of being together. Couples counselling includes “skills work” to help you actually do something different, as well as helping you explore your feelings and thoughts with your partner. It has an appreciative focus as well as exploring difficulties, so be prepared to recall what you love and value about each other, and to look on your partner with kind eyes.

WHAT IT DOESN’T DO

Couples counselling isn’t a magic cure. It requires an investment of honesty, courage and humility. Often, couples come into counselling blaming one another for their difficulties. (It’s not unusual for couples to start arguing in front of the counsellor.)

Remember, couples counsellors are not passive. They will intervene to focus the session on insight and action. For you and your partner, this often involves letting go of fixed perspectives and stepping back to see the process of how you interact.

Remember, couples counselling is not a place to avoid emotions; by exploring your feelings and finding different perspectives it helps you decide what you are able and willing to change.

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How to choose a counsellor Couples counselling is not a place to avoid emotions. You need to decide what you are able and willing to change

Find a counsellor in your local area who is specifically trained to work with couples. Couples and individual work are quite different in approach and technique. An experienced individual counsellor will not necessarily be able to offer the support you need.

Professionals should be registered with a professional body: UKCP, BACP and COSRT are the ones to look for. Also, check that your counsellor has regular clinical supervision with a supervisor who is specifically trained in couples work.

You may also want to check out their professional development, and if they do “top up” learning. Search for a couples counsellor in your area at counselling-directory.org.uk

Love THERAPY Couples counsellors may well provide you with coaching. For example, they may help you learn to communicate differently, but what they will not do is give advice about life issues, or solve your problems. They are also not there to take sides. Rather, they will help you both to be heard.

Importantly, couples counselling is not appropriate where a relationship is abusive. If an abuse dynamic is identified, your counsellor will help you with onwards referrals to get the help you need, with safety as a priority.

THE COMMON PROBLEMS

The most common issue is difficulties in communicating. As everybody knows, it’s easy over time to fall into unhelpful habits that mean we no longer hear what the other person is saying, and we become polarised in our own view of the world.

That said, communication challenges can be a contributing factor, or a reflection of a number of issues couples bring into the room. These include: • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Affairs Betrayal Issues of trust Jealousy Financial issues Differing values and goals Differing parenting styles Wider family conflicts Life changes (empty nest, bereavement, illness, etc.)

Sexual issues Emotional intimacy issues Work-related difficulties Gender role conflict Religion or politics

The job of your counsellor is to help you get underneath and around these problems to work out what it is that’s happening for you both. Beyond the issue in hand, you are in a process of relating with each other, and it is in exploring and evolving the way you interact that you can bring a difference to the way you resolve that issue.

Your counsellor may help you explore different dimensions of your fit as a couple, looking at where you are similar, and where you differ, and how you can come to play to strengths and appreciate your differences. Continues >>> December 2017 • happiful • 37

Couples Counselling

WHAT HAPPENS IN A SESSION?

EXAMINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

It may be useful to pay attention to different aspects of your relationship.

For example, you can focus on: • • • • • • •

How you view the level of commitment to each other How you communicate How you connect and play together How you compromise How you resolve disputes How you nurture and care for yourselves and each other How you grow together

The overall process of couples counselling can be described as one of expression, joint discovery, sense-making and action-planning. The ideal outcome from counselling would be that you are equipped to do this together for yourselves in the future.

Sometimes, however, as a result of couples counselling, clients come to a decision to end their relationship.

Counselling can then fulfil a role in helping the couple to end well, and to take care of issues that are important to you (for example, caring for children) in a mutually respectful and beneficial way.

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It’s not all about you Sometimes we can pull the wool over our own eyes, not wanting to really acknowledge what is happening. In couples counselling it’s hard to deceive yourself or the counsellor because not only is the way you relate there in the room being observed, but your partner may also say what they think and feel, shining a light into areas you find uncomfortable.

Couples counselling tends to progress more quickly than one-to-one work. It also tends to be more dynamic and challenging. My advice is to begin with the end in mind. If you have a good, strong reason for being in counselling then you are more likely to be open to exploring the uncomfortable.

In your first couples counselling session, your therapist is going to want to work with you to build an understanding of how you have arrived at this point. This involves asking questions about your relationship including how it began, how it has developed, and how you experience it now. It will also involve asking briefly about your wider families, your history of relationships before this current one, and getting a sense of the context in which you both live.

For example, the counsellor may ask about your support network, work, religion, age, education, culture and other factors. These may seem tangential issues, but they could be illuminating in understanding the differences between you and your partner, and in helping you understand the wider framework in which your difficulties sit.

Once you have shared your history, the key task of therapy is to agree clear outcomes you both want to work towards.

Your counsellor is there to help you agree mutual goals, and their contract with you is to support you in achieving them. Goals provide a focus, and a way of recognising and measuring progress. Outcomes do evolve as therapy progresses, but having a sense of where you are going can help give a structure and a purpose to your work.

Depending on the issue, ongoing sessions are likely to involve: • • • • • • • •

What works in the relationship The ways you appreciate each other Having equal space to express your thoughts and feelings How the past is impacting the present Contextual factors (family, faith, lifestyle, culture, etc.)

What you’d like to commit to, not how you want your partner to change Learning new ways to communicate and navigate conflict Caring for yourself and each other

This is an ideal list. One size does not fit all, and the job of your counsellor is to make sure that your specific needs are recognised and met. Also, try to bear in mind that needs and wants are not always the same thing!

Love THERAPY

The counsellor is there to help you both express yourselves.

They are not a mediator. Being open to change is the key

Be careful what you wish for...

When both you and your partner are still invested in the relationship, couples counselling can be very effective. However, be aware that it will have effects.

SENSITIVE SUBJECTS

Expect couples counselling sessions to be uncomfortable, and to go to places you may rather avoid. You are likely to be asked about sex, because it’s one of the places in a relationship that wider difficulties tend to be starkly reflected. Your counsellor will be seeking to make sure there are no “no-go” areas, and that you can safely bring up whatever you need to.

Like any therapy, the real work of couples counselling happens outside the room. Your counsellor is likely to give you exercises to go away and do, together or individually, between sessions. If you take time to reflect between sessions, and come with a view about how you can positively build on the progress made, and overcome the challenges revealed so far, you are much more likely to move forward as a couple. Seeing the therapy itself as “the answer”, on the basis of an hour a week of work, is not likely to be successful.

COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWNS

Conflict is so often viewed as bad, and yet differences of opinions and emotions laid bare are the places where mutual understanding and growth can emerge.

Having a third person observe and reflect back the dynamic of your relating to your partner changes things, and you can’t unlearn the things that you learn about yourself, or each other.

Things can often get worse before they get better. This is particularly evident in couples work. Be clear what it is you both want from couples counselling before you go, and focus on what matters most to you.

Your counsellor is there to help you create a space where you can both speak freely, without being interrupted. What you say and what you hear may be challenging, but avoiding what is actually happening and what either of you really feel will get you nowhere fast.

Again, remember that communication difficulties are a very common part of couples work.

It’s easy to judge ourselves by our intention, and others by their impact.

When someone speaks, we process what they say through our own “filters” which have been constructed from our own attitudes, beliefs, values and context. We don’t hear what they mean, we hear what it means to us. Peeling back and exploring these aspects of ourselves is a key part of couples work.

Once you understand how you hear what you hear, you will be open to change the way you listen.

Finally, it’s important to know that couples counselling is not able to solve deep individual issues that are impacting the relationship. Sometimes it is useful to pause or end the couples counselling to give one or both partners time to have individual support.

Above all, you must keep in mind that if your primary goal is to change your partner then couples counselling may not be for you. You will be encouraged to take responsibility for expressing your wants and needs, but that does not mean they will always be met. The counsellor is there to help you both express yourselves openly and respectfully. They are not an arbitrator or mediator. Being open to changing yourself is key to successful couples work.

Fe Robinson, MUKCP (reg), MBACP (reg), is a psychotherapist and clinical supervisor, who is a regular advisor on Happiful’s content.

December 2017 • happiful • 39

Happiful Hack

6

THOUGHTFUL TIPS

Last year we spent over £2 billion on unwanted presents. Here’s some practical advice on choosing something your loved ones actually want Writing | Jenny Cole

Giving 1

Think practical

2

REFLECT YOUR PERSONALITY

Put yourself in the recipient’s shoes by imagining the gift they would benefit from most – something useful, rather than something that’s going straight to the back of a cupboard. US researchers Galak, Givi and Williams have solid advice: “Givers should choose gifts based on how valuable they will be to the recipient throughout his or her ownership of the gift, rather than how good a gift will seem when they open it.”

Psychologists Lara Aknin and Lauren Human suggest choosing a gift that reflects your own personality: “Choosing something that reflects the giver tends to promote closeness and intimacy because it’s an act of personal disclosure.” This needs some thought, as it depends how similar you and the recipient are in outlook. A study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology reported that trying to second-guess what someone wants to receive isn’t the way to go, as it often causes us to lose an understanding of what they really want and value.

40 • happiful • December 2017

3

Money talks

We often feel that giving money shows a lack of thought and care. But research by Francesca Gino and Francis Flynn, who study human behaviour, shows otherwise.

They studied 107 students and found they appreciated cash gifts far more than the items they had originally asked for. But if you don’t feel comfortable giving cash, a gift card could be the way to go.

Researchers Chelsea Helion and Tom Gilovich found that when individuals receive a gift card, they are more likely to buy something special for themselves than if they were given cash.

Life LESSONS

32%

OF people received ‘aT LEAST ONE’ unwated CHRISTMAS gift in 2015

6

Receiving 4

5

Say thank you!

We’ve all been there – you open a gift only to find you really don’t like it, and then try to hide your disappointment so as not to hurt the gift-giver’s feelings. Now, research by Catherine Roster, of the University of New Mexico, finds that you can gauge how good your relationship with another person is based on how they reject your gift. Although frowns and false smiles were signs that a gift has been unsuccessful, the failure to say “thank you” was the only response “reliably associated with how detrimental participants said the incident would be to the future of their relationship”. Roster found that the gift-giving process could be improved simply by saying “thank you”, even if it isn’t completely genuine.

Men and women are different Gender differences play a big role in gift giving.

Karen Pine, a professor of psychology at the University of Hertfordshire, found that women tend to be more sentimental about giving gifts and attach a lot of meaning to specific presents. But men tend to want and give gifts that are practical and functional. So, if you find a new vacuum cleaner under your tree this year, take a few deep breaths and remember your partner probably thinks they’ve found you the perfect present.

Ask for what you want

Researchers at Harvard and Stanford universities found that most people would prefer to receive something that they’ve actually asked for. However, this fact seems to be forgotten when it comes to actually giving a gift, with givers believing the recipient would like a surprise. So, how can you sensitively convince people to get you what you would really like? Another study has shown that if you give someone a whole list of desired things, they fall into the same trap of believing you would be happy with something “off-list”. But if you just tell them one thing that you would really like, they tend to realise you would probably prefer to receive that one item.

FINAL THOUGHT Although it’s fascinating to understand the psychology behind giving and receiving Christmas gifts, it’s also best not to over-analyse things too much. Christmas is really about spending time with loved ones and having fun. If you are exchanging gifts this year, just remember that it’s the thought that really counts.

December 2017 • happiful • 41

A dialogue with dodie

42 • happiful • December 2017

Happiful INFLUENCER

the support group with a million members Known for her sweet, understated vocals and infatuating personality, British singer-songwriter and YouTuber Dodie Clark (just call her dodie) speaks to Happiful about her daily struggles with one of society’s lesser-known mental illnesses Interview | Kathryn Wheeler

W

hen dodie’s EP You came out in August this year, she took the music industry by surprise.

Despite being an unsigned artist, her EP reached number six on the official UK album chart. But for the near two million people who follow dodie across her two YouTube channels – doddleoddle and doddlevloggle – the music she makes touches a more personal note.

The 22-year-old’s own struggles with mental illness are well-documented in her lyrics and YouTube videos.

And it’s her unique ability to be totally vulnerable, yet extraordinarily articulate about her experiences, that captivates the legions of fans who follow her. Happiful speaks with dodie about her audience-turned-support group, and her recent cutting-edge treatment.

Mental health can be a very difficult thing to talk about, and a lot of people still struggle with speaking up. That’s not the case with you. Why do you think that is?

I’ve always been a very open person, I always let people know how I’m doing and what I’m feeling anyway. But that can also be a problem in itself, because I don’t always know when to stop, or who to take my problems to. Being mentally ill can make your judgement a bit skewed, so sometimes I might overshare too much, especially online, but I still think it’s important to talk about it. Continues >>>

December 2017 • happiful • 43

A dialogue with dodie

Do you find opening up to your YouTube audience helpful?

Yes, I definitely think so. But I think it’s important to talk about it after a bit of distance. I’ve noticed that when I’ve been particularly depressed, my viewpoint is skewed and I don’t really know what I’m saying, I might not even believe what I’m saying, so I definitely shouldn’t be putting it out there. Sharing it from a healthy point is much more helpful because then people can see all aspects of it, and if they can relate to some of the darker things that I’ve been thinking, maybe they can see that they’re not alone in their thoughts and that you can get through it. It’s like a big, wonderful support group.

You’re right about depersonalisation being a lesser-known mental illness.

When exactly did you first start experiencing it?

I described it being like taking out my phone camera and not pressing record, just looking at the world through the screen.

And a lot of people said that it might be “disassociation”. So I started googling it and found terms, like “derealisation” and “depersonalisation”. I just sat and cried over the Wikipedia page because it described exactly how I was feeling. I couldn’t believe it was a thing that other people dealt with too. And then, once I knew the name, I took it to the doctors and finally got a diagnosis.

Do you have any advice for parents who suspect their child may be struggling with mental health issues?

Sit down, be kind, and listen. With the thing that I’ve got, depersonalisation or derealisation, it’s not really well known about and because it’s something that you may not quite understand yourself, it can be easy to think that they’re just making it up. But believe them, and support them in trying to find help.

How about the depression? When did that start happening?

It was after I started experiencing derealisation, because I noticed that I wasn’t getting as much out of events and going out, because everything felt grey, and I couldn’t connect with anything anymore.

So it started to creep in as I found myself feeling disappointed all the time.

Depersonalisation/ Derealisation Disorder Classed as a dissociative disorder, depersonalisation/ derealisation disorder is characterised as a persistent feeling of being detached from your mental processes (depersonalisation) or the world around you (derealisation). Whilst research into DPD is ongoing, it is thought to be triggered by trauma or follows periods of extreme stress.

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Have you tried therapy?

Yes, I am in therapy now. It’s really great, it helps my depression like nothing else can.

It’s wonderful.

How did you find the right therapist?

I shopped around with therapists, and there’s no shame in that. It almost feels like a first date when you try someone new.

You’re just testing them out, and if you don’t feel comfortable you don’t have to go back. It does feel awkward to do that, but it’s their job and they will understand. I’ve been to a few different therapists. I had one for five appointments and then I realised that she wasn’t right, and I went to another one just the once. But I’m with one right now who I think is really great.

What is it about the therapist that you’re with now that makes them right for you?

There are all different types of therapists.

Some are closed off and will just let you talk. My therapist is more personal and humanistic, and she will share her opinions as well, and talk with me, and I really like that. I like bouncing off each other. I had a therapist before who would

I might overshare too much, but I still think it’s important to talk about it laugh at the things I said, and I know that sounds patronising, but it was actually really nice because I liked getting out my problems and then making them appear lighter.

You tried TMS (trans-cranial magnetic stimulation), what was that like?

Basically you’re giving a part of your brain that may not be working well a little boost with a magnetic pulse to stimulate blood-flow. I tried it for depersonalisation, but there hasn’t been much research on that, and it didn’t work for me. But I’m going back to try a different frequency or a different area.

That sounds scary! Were you worried about it before you went in?

Yes, I had my worries about it at first! It feels really strange. It doesn’t hurt, it just feels like someone tapping on your brain, but that can be kind of scary because... it’s your brain! I think I was more nervous about the chance that it would work because I imagined feeling present again and how strange that would feel. And obviously I was so excited about that, and I pegged so much on it working, and then it didn’t really do anything.

On an everyday level, what do you do to take care of your mental health?

Well, I think self-care is incredibly important. Just the basics – that you’re well-rested and that you’re clean. If you find that you do have everything that you need, and you’ve ticked off the self-care list, and you still feel depressed, allow yourself that. Say, that it’s OK and that it will pass. I also have two tattoos, that remind me to practise self-care. >>>

A dialogue with dodie

46 • happiful • December 2017

Happiful INFLUENCER

How do your tattoos help?

I got one quite recently which is a sprig of lavender. My mum loves lavender and she always tells me to look after myself, and I think that’s such a helpful message to have on my body. The other one is a quote from La La Land, and it says: “A bit of madness is key”. It helps me to remember that my mental health problems have a purpose.

When I’m feeling low, it reminds me that this makes me special, and it helps me write and it helps me empathise with people.

A fan with lyrics from dodie’s song ‘Secret for the Mad’ tattooed on their arm

You’ve just brought out your book.

Do you think your mental health helped with the writing process?

Yes, and I’d already written parts because I just write all the time anyway when I’m going through hard times. The actual typing was so therapeutic because it was like going through every experience and then wrapping it up and tying it with a bow. It was just so nice to revisit different states of my mind, and look back and see how much I learnt from it.

Obviously there are some difficult sections, such as the section on suicide. How did you find writing those parts?

I wrote that little section on suicide when I was feeling suicidal. Going back to it when I was feeling better was difficult, because I was scared to go back and jump back into brain patterns. I had to approach it with caution, and remember that I feel better now – and I can go back to feeling better again in the future.

You identify as bisexual. Bisexual erasure is a huge problem in our society. Is that something you’ve experienced?

Trans-cranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) During TMS, a coil that produces small electric currents is connected to a pulse generator that targets different regions of the brain. Originally developed to measure muscle damage in the brain following strokes, TMS is now being trialled to treat mental illnesses.

For sure. When I was in school I remembering fancying boys and girls, but because I fancied boys I just thought I was straight, I didn’t realise there was a middle ground. I knew I wasn’t a lesbian, but I fancied girls, so just assumed that everyone fancied girls, but was just secret about it! I found out who I was later in life, but I wish I knew earlier.

Do you find people don’t take your sexuality seriously?

I’m lucky that I surround myself with people who are very open and are in the LGBTQ+ community themselves.

But outside of that, if I mention that I’m seeing a woman, if it’s a guy they might say, “Oh, that’s really cool!”, and I’m like, “It’s not cool, it’s just my life.” I think, self-consciously, there was a part of me who wanted this label so that people would understand, but it’s also been so validating to myself.

I sat and cried over the Wikipedia page because it described exactly how I was feeling

You’re on tour at the moment, how’s that going?

Yes, it’s going well thank you! We started in Ireland and now we’re back in England, we’re in Birmingham at the moment.

Travelling is a little bit tricky for me. It confuses me and makes me more spaced out. I struggle more with mental health when I’m travelling. But I’m surrounded by lovely people, and that always helps.

Some of your songs are very personal.

Is performing them to hundreds of people daunting?

No, I really love it! When I get on stage I like looking into people’s eyes and seeing

them sing along with me. Sometimes it’s tricky to get back into that frame of mind, but overall I find it so therapeutic.

Finally, of all of your songs, which would be your favourite?

I usually tend to love the one I’ve written most recently. But I think, overall, it’s a song called When, because I think it sums up the things that go on in my brain. But in a really nice way.

‘Secrets For The Mad: Obsessions, Confessions, And Life Lessons’ (Ebury Press, £16.99)

December 2017 • happiful • 47

Happiful Hack

5

ESSENTIAL BLENDS

Everyday Aromatherapy Whether you need an energising boost after a long day with restless kids, or need to unwind tense muscles from a stressful week, the good news is there’s an essential oil for that…

A

s the leaves turn brown and make their way to the ground, it seems that many of us also feel like shutting down for winter. On top of our own personal anxieties (after all, we’re only human) there’s been limited joy in the world, so tensions are high.

Most of us are trying to live happy, healthy and successful lives – we want to eat right, sleep well and love deeply – so, a helping hand is often welcome. Aromatherapy may not cure all life’s problems, but it can be a nice boost to improve sleep, reduce stress, and clear the mind. And even if you’re an essential oils sceptic, at the very least they produce lovely aromas. Here are just a few essential blends to help you through the winter months:

48 • happiful • December 2017

Writing | Ellen Hoggard

Essential Care

There are some safety precautions to follow when using essential oils. They are strong and cannot be applied directly to the skin, therefore, a carrier oil is required. Carrier oils are vegetable oils, which are scentless, and dilute the essential oils, making them safe for topical application.

Life LESSONS

1

Reduce stress

Just like winter, Christmas is coming… If you’ve got the responsibility of hosting your first dinner, are worrying about the inlaws, or are feeling anxious about money, take a moment to relax with this blend:

2

3 drops clary sage essential oil 1 drop lemon essential oil 1 drop lavender essential oil

Boost energy

If you’ve had a bad night’s sleep due to a screaming child, constant sirens or well, anything else, you’re probably going to feel awful the next morning. But instead of reaching for a coffee, give this energising blend a try:

We’ve all been there. You think you’ve got everything under control, until 10 minutes before the big presentation and the nerves kick in.

You might feel nauseous, and panic takes over. Use this blend to relax, control your nerves, and help you wow your boss: 3 drops true lavender essential oil 3 drops bergamot essential oil 2 drops ylang ylang essential oil

Add drops to your bath This time of year can be incredibly overwhelming. We’re sure even Kris Kringle sneaks away for some pamper time! If you’re feeling stressed, run a warm bath and add a couple of drops of the blend to the water for ultimate relaxation.

4

Control nerves

Rollerball For a quick, easy-to-use application, add the oils and carrier oil to a 10ml rollerball bottle. Apply to the insides of the wrists or to the temples as needed. Voilà!

5

Beat ‘winter blues’

If the dull UK weather is affecting your mood, this essential oil blend may be just the thing you need. The uplifting scent of bergamot, teamed with the sweet orange scent of neroli and exotic jasmine, is the perfect mood-booster.

3 drops rosemary essential oil 3 drops thyme essential oil 2 drops peppermint essential oil

3 drops bergamot essential oil 1 drop neroli essential oil 1 drop jasmine essential oil

Diffuse Blend the oils together and use in a diffuser. The fresh aroma of the peppermint, with the woody scents of thyme and rosemary, can help give you that much-needed energy boost.

Inhale For an instant effect, add a couple of drops to a tissue and inhale the aromas. This is perfect for an on-thego boost, whether you’re feeling down at work, in a meeting or at home.

3

Ease aches and pains

Whether you’re injured, had a great day at the gym, or spent the weekend clearing the house, this warming essential oil blend may help recover and ease those sore muscles: 2 drops ginger essential oil 1 drop black pepper essential oil 4 drops peppermint essential oil 5 drops eucalyptus essential oil

Massage For an aromatherapy massage, add the essential oil blend, and your chosen carrier oil, to a glass bottle and mix well. Rub between your palms and massage the aching muscle.

If you’re pregnant or have underlying health issues, please seek the advice of your doctor, and a qualified aromatherapist, before using essential oils. Extra precautions should be taken when treating the elderly or very young.

There are more than 400 essential oils, including lavender, camomile, peppermint and jasmine

To find out more about essential oils or to find an aromatherapy specialist near you, visit therapy-directory.org.uk

December 2017 • happiful • 49

ALL IS CALM, ALL IS BRIGHT Fill up a flask with hot chocolate, wrap up warm and head outside to enjoy this year’s winter. Be at one with the season and try to appreciate the light, and the dark.

Greatest

Mental Health Songs

Music may be the food of love, but sometimes a sad song is all we need. When things look bleak on the horizon, listening to a beautiful song about inner strife can do wonders for the soul.

In this totally subjective list, Happiful selects 20 incredible songs that let us know we are not alone

>>> Writing | Duncan Forgan

Mental Health in Music

19.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond Pink Floyd At the start of 1967, Syd Barrett had the world at his feet. The charismatic frontman of Pink Floyd was the toast of London’s underground scene and his band was just about to release Piper at the Gates of Dawn, to this day a landmark of English psychedelia. Eight years later, when his bandmates recorded this tribute to their lost leader, Barrett was one of the most notable acid casualties of his generation. However, the esteem and affection his former comrades still held him in shines through in this 26-minute ode to a genius who was too sensitive for the real world.

The Rolling Stones ‘Honey, I’m on fire, I feel it everywhere Nothing scares me anymore’

Lana Del Rey

Summertime Sadness A torch songstress for the millennial generation, Lana Del Rey is known for her sense of epic melodrama.

That’s certainly the case with Summertime Sadness, which eschews sunny vibes in favour of longing, loss and the emptiness experienced in the aftermath of an all-consuming love affair. The song’s underlying themes were hammered home in an eye-catching promo video where Del Rey and her lesbian lover (played by actress Jaime King) choose suicide at the end. Speaking about the song, Del Rey revealed the contrasting emotions at play. “I wanted to write about how sad and gorgeous the summertime seemed to me,” she said.

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In 1966, as Swinging London clicked into hyper-drive, chief Stones Mick Jagger and Keith Richards could have turned on the peace vibes. Instead, they doubled down on their world-weary scepticism in this bleak classic about the loss of a lover. Whenever Hollywood addresses death, depression or social nihilism, you can bet Paint It, Black is on the soundtrack.

17.

This Is a Low Blur Damon Albarn was obviously feeling the strain. Under pressure to come up with lyrics for an atmospheric, brooding piece of music and due to go into hospital for a hernia operation, the singer turned to the UK shipping forecast for inspiration.

“We used to listen to it when we were in America to remind us of home. It’s good for a hangover and for insomnia,” said bassist Alex James. Albarn composed a set of geographically-rooted lyrics that provided the song with an elegiac, melancholic, maritime imagery, and yet it’s strangely uplifting.

Lana Del Rey | Wiki Commons

18.

Paint It, Black

Cultural BLISS Chester Bennington died earlier this year

‘I really think you and your girlfriend need each other Or maybe you just need to treat her better’

2017 A Tumultuous Year in Rock A trio of rock tragedies took place in 2017. Chris Cornell, frontman of alternative legends Soundgarden, killed himself just hours after a US tour.

Cornell’s friend, Linkin Park vocalist Chester Bennington, died two months later in what was also ruled to be suicide.

A video released by Bennington’s wife, Talinda, showing him spending time with his son, served to highlight the fact that, in her own words, “depression doesn’t have a face or a mood”. From another corner of rock, Allman Brothers drummer Butch Trucks also took his own life at the age of 69. However, there is a hopeful light. The “I’m Listening” campaign – a project focusing on suicide prevention – gained the backing of members of Metallica and Alice In Chains among many others, to provide support for those with nowhere to turn. Shaun Brown

16.

I Miss You

Chester Bennington | mooinblack / Shutterstock.com, Eminem | Wiki Commons

Blink 182 Pop-punkers Blink 182 delivered a major curveball with this tender, defenceless single. In fact, the song’s lyrical references to angels, morgues and unrequited love stand in stark contrast to their snotty brat reptuation. The overriding theme is stark male vulnerability. “The song is about the heartwrenching pain when a guy tells a girl, ‘Don’t waste your time because you probably gave me up a long time ago,’” explained singer Tom DeLonge.

15.

Wake Me Up When September Ends Green Day Frontman Billie Joe Armstrong regarded this hit – about the death of his father when Billie was 10 years old – as a form of regression therapy. Clearly, it’s his most autobiographical song. Yet the song’s central theme of loss (and coping with loss) struck a chord. Released in 2005, it became symbolic after Hurricane Katrina. The band dedicated the song to victims of the disaster and to victims of the September 11 terrorist attacks in New York.

Eminem

Stan

Eminem’s skill for detail-heavy storytelling hits a compelling peak in Stan. A tragic tale of obsessive worship gone horribly wrong, the lyrics deal with a fanatical fan who kills himself and his girlfriend after his written overtures to his hero go unanswered. The first three verses are delivered

by Eminem as the increasingly disturbed “Stan”. In the fourth verse the rapper reverts to the first person, addressing the protagonist and voicing concern over his mental state before realising that the damage has already been done. Unlike many of Eminem’s lyrics, there’s no evidence the song has any basis in real life events. However, the artist’s often underrated ability for deep empathy comes shining through.

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Mental Health in Music

So this is Christmas, and what have you done?

Another year over, and a new one just begun

Happy Xmas (War Is Over) John Lennon

Lennon wrote this beloved protest song because he was “sick of White Christmas”. The universal lyrics call for an end to violence. Tragically, Lennon was murdered two weeks before Christmas in 1980.

I’ll Be Home for Christmas Bing Crosby

Bing’s 1943 timeless classic was written from the perspective of a soldier at war, and far from home.

Famously, it ends with the poignant words, “I’ll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.”

Do You Want to Build a Snowman?

Frozen

Elsa’s fear and shame at having a “darkness within” cause her to isolate herself from society and her younger sister, Anna. Play it a thousand times and it still delivers an emotional shiver.

Stop the Cavalry Jona Lewie

Originally an anti-war song, this beautiful tune only fell into the festive category for the heart-wrenching line, “Wish I was at home for Christmas.”

Christmas in the Room Sufjan Stevens

It’s about spending Christmas alone with your loved one, and leaving the stress of the season far behind. The lyrics perfectly capture the simple joys of enjoying the day.

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Cultural BLISS

Rihanna | landmarkmedia / Shutterstock.com

‘A disease of the mind It can control you’

13.

Pennyroyal Tea Nirvana

The last year of Kurt Cobain’s tragically short life was particularly gut-wrenching. Laid low by severe drug dependency, stomachs pains and the toll of super-stardom, the Nirvana singer descended into the black depression that would finally kill him, aged just 27. Although recorded in 1993, the astonishing Pennyroyal Tea dates back to 1990. “The song is about someone who is beyond depressed,” he said. Slated as a single, its release was cancelled after Cobain’s suicide.

12.

Mad World Tears for Fears This beautiful smash hit was inspired by what band leader Roland Orzabal called his “teenage menopause”. “I had suffered from depression in my childhood,” he said. “I poured all this into the song.” Mad World is filled with references to emotional distress and primal scream therapy.

Two decades later, amid the Iraq War of 2003, singer Gary Jules took his cover version to No 1 (at Christmas time).

Rihanna

Disturbia A prime example of how good pop music can bring levity to disturbing themes, Disturbia is a difficult beast to pin down.

Penned, in part, by Rihanna’s future boyfriend – and future physical abuser – Chris Brown, the song is deceptively up-tempo with sizzling beats and plentiful hooks. Behind the fizz, all is not entirely well. According to Rihanna, the troubling lyrics are not specifically about a personal experience, but general feelings of anxiety, anguish and confusion. Despite its less than uplifting lyrical content, Disturbia’s obvious commercial appeal made it a massive hit in more than 20 countries. Yet few noticed the dark subtext.

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Mental Health in Music

‘And love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night’

9.

I Just Wasn’t Made For These Times The Beach Boys Rarely has desolation sounded sweeter than it does here.

Aided and abetted by jobbing advertising jingle writer and copywriter Tony Asher (who wrote the lyrics), Beach Boys resident genius Brian Wilson lays bare his insecurities and his growing sense of social dislocation over three minutes of lush baroque loveliness. Always a melancholic soul, Wilson had grown increasingly insular after leaving the touring incarnation of the band to focus on songwriting and production. The fruits of this decision – the towering Pet Sounds – remains a pinnacle of 20th century popular music. The almost breathtaking sadness of this gorgeous song signposted Wilson’s imminent mental breakdown and decades-long battle with severe depression and psychosis.

8.

People Are Strange The Doors

Queen and David Bowie

Under Pressure

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7.

Troy Sinead O’Connor This endlessly fascinating Irish rebel recently stunned the world with her confessional self-made video where she cried out for help, and yet defiantly called out society for its lack of compassion with mental illness. But Sinead had been wearing her gorgeous heart on her sleeve long before she made global headlines, most notably on this stand-out song on her debut album. Using the city of Troy as a metaphor, O’Connor draws on memories of her emotionally-scarred childhood in Dublin. The result is both harrowing and poetic, and is widely interpreted as being influenced by her parents’ divorce. A masterpiece of vulnerability, and defiance.

Bowie | Kongiu / Shutterstock.com

Perhaps fittingly, there was no lack of tension in the writing and recording of this classic collaboration between rock legends Queen and Bowie. The music itself – including the killer, signature bassline – emerged from jam sessions. The lyrics though, an apocalyptic cry of both mental suffering and emotional empathy, had a more fraught gestation: a result of push and pull between the group and guest star Bowie, and liberal use of substances in the Swiss studio where it was recorded. “It was very hard,” recalled Queen guitarist Brian May. “You had four precocious boys and David, who was precocious enough for all of us.” Thankfully, the resulting song displays a bleak but ultimately positive view of how daily pressures can bring us down, but love will ultimately save us.

This 1967 single marked something of a departure for Doors frontman Jim Morrison. While the euphoric material on the band’s debut album sealed Morrison’s reputation as a Dionysian sex-god poet, the followup album, which included People Are Strange, sprang from a deep depression the singer was experiencing.

Accompanied by his bandmates, Morrison took a long walk along Laurel Canyon in Los Angeles and penned the lyrics on a ridge looking out over the city. A reflection on modern alienation and being an outsider, the song reveals a deeply vulnerable side at odds with the boorish persona the singer seemed more eager to cultivate.

Cultural BLISS

Lily Allen | Christian Bertrand / Shutterstock.com

‘I was so lost back then But with a little help from my friends I found the light in the tunnel at the end’

Lily Allen

Smile A lolloping rocksteady backdrop and Allen’s coy, breathy vocal, disguise the dark matter at the heart of this beloved breakthrough single. Inspired by a horrific break-up with long-term boyfriend Lester Lloyd, the song was written by Allen following a stint in London’s mental health hospital, The Priory. “That was really tough as I was an emotional mess. The lyrics are definitely bitter sweet,” said Allen.

While the song title, as well as the breezy music and Allen’s peppy vocal, suggests redemption, the lyrics pull no punches – excoriating the cheating lover for his infidelity, and taking pleasure in his ensuing discomfort.

Indeed, the singer herself said she later regretted her direct approach.

5.

Bridge Over Troubled Water Simon & Garfunkel The end of the 1960s acted as a full stop for many of the decade’s biggest acts, including this legendary duo. With the detested Richard Nixon in the White House, war raging in Vietnam, and relations souring between this long-term musical partnership, Paul Simon managed to channel his ennui into a gospel-inflected epic of redemption. Inspiration for the song came quickly and suddenly. “Where did that come from? It doesn’t seem like me,” Simon said of the song. Whatever the wellspring, the poetic lyrics with their comforting sentiments, and Art Garfunkel’s beautiful delivery struck a chord. The song has become an everlasting standard for empathy, sympathy and emotional solidarity.

December 2017 • happiful • 57

Mental Health in Music

‘I like to keep my issues drawn It’s always darkest before the dawn’

3.

Everybody Hurts REM

Florence and the Machine

Shake It Out There are times when even a Berocca and a day spent in bed watching trash TV won’t alleviate the “morning after the night before” blues. Instead of succumbing to her own dark thoughts, Florence Welch channelled her angst to create this defiant pop anthem, which the writer herself describes as being “the ultimate hangover cure”.

There’s certainly something appealingly cathartic about the musical setting, which builds slowly before swelling into a fanfare of guitars, organs and ritualistic drums. The main ingredient, though, is Welch’s powerhouse vocal, where she wrestles with internal and external demons before exorcising them in the rapturous chorus. It’s a paean to moving on and keeping going.

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2.

Hurt Johnny Cash Nine Inch Nails fans may beg to differ, but it took an ailing Johnny Cash to elevate Hurt to the pantheon of downbeat classics. In the wake of Cash’s rendition, writer and NIN leader Trent Reznor went as far as saying, “that song isn’t mine anymore.” Interpretations of the gloomy lyrics vary. Some contend that it is a suicide note written by the song’s protagonist. Others believe it describes the process of finding a reason to live while suffering depression. In Cash’s version, recorded shortly before his death, the reference to “crown of shit” in the original is changed to “crown of thorns” referencing Cash’s devout Christianity, and pre-empting the legend’s impending appointment with his maker.

Florence Welch | Christian Bertrand / Shutterstock.com

4

Everybody Hurts emerged as one of REM’s most enduring songs. Time hasn’t been uniformly kind: it was voted as the most depressing song of all time in a survey conducted in 2012.

Nevertheless, its plaintive qualities and supportive sentiments have made it a standard. In 1995, the Samaritans launched a UK press campaign consisting solely of the song’s lyrics and the charity’s hotline number.

“If you are consciously writing for someone who hasn’t been to college or is young, it might be nice to be very direct,” said guitarist Peter Buck of the song. “In that regard, it has tended to work for people of a lot of ages.”

Cultural BLISS

Under the radar Here’s a few more songs from the Happiful team that reveal outer (and inner) feelings and emotions:

Don’t Let Me Get Me The Beatles | mar_chm1982 / Shutterstock.com

Pink

A poptastic hit about insecurity that spoke to every 14-year-old girl ever.

Blue Moon Elvis Presley

A song of majestic, heartbreaking loneliness. But only the moon can hear him.

The Beatles Help!

How can one of the giddiest pop songs of all time also be one of the most heart-wrenching? To the world at large, 1965 was the year of peak Beatlemania. Four lads from Liverpool had created a cultural phenomenon that verged on religious worship. For John Lennon, however, it was a nightmare.

Trapped in a loveless marriage in his Surrey mansion, and tiring of his mop-top image, the creatively restless Lennon sank into severe depression, from where he discovered his first introspective masterpiece, Help! “That was me, really crying out for help,” he later admitted. “The only two true songs I ever wrote were Help! and Strawberry Fields Forever.”

In this devastatingly honest song, the world finally realised that the tough, cynical Beatle was, in fact, crying out for support. His desperately sincere lyrics confused everyone at first (“What prompted them to write such a song?” asked Mick Jagger). But with hindsight, we see a profoundly damaged young man taking off his mask and telling the world he needed somebody, not just anybody, to heal his pain. No wonder Help! has been used for countless charity campaigns – it’s one of the bravest pop songs ever created.

Pink Elephants on Parade Dumbo soundtrack

A circus animal under the influence scares the daylights out of his mind.

They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!

Napoleon XIV

A comedy hit that touched a raw nerve (not a funny bone) with UK listeners.

U

Kendrick Lamar

The new king of rap locks himself in a hotel room to face his inner demons.

WHAT DID WE MISS? Share your favourite songs that tackle mental health on Twitter @happifulhq

December 2017 • happiful • 59

Happiful Hack

4

SEASONAL SECRETS

how to survive the family

Christmas Dinner

While Christmas events are pictured as fun, warm reunions, the reality can be high tensions and bubbling resentment.

Whether it’s competitive spirits getting the better of us as Monopoly comes out, or arguments spilling out over the table, preparing yourself can really pay off Writing | Maurice Richmond

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Life LESSONS

S

itting in silence watching Christmas specials? Faking excitement after receiving your 17th pair of black socks?

Or tired of probing questions at the dinner table? For many, this represents Christmas with the family.

Whether you’re a guest or hosting proceedings, it can be tiresome – at a time where the season is supposedly synonymous with goodwill.

Undoubtedly, we want dinner, and indeed the day, to pass without problems – or at least for it not to be a complete car crash filled with lifeless puns. But what’s the answer? Is there a magic wand we can wave to leave everyone spellbound? Call it an early Christmas present from Happiful, but here are some survival essentials we’ve sourced to help you weather the festive period, and have glad tidings all round:

1

Food

2

Getaway

3

Baggage

4

Expectations

Good food “is all in the mind”. That’s right, the stomach is secondary. Brian Wansink, a food psychologist at the University of Illinois, USA, confessed to “years of feeding people cheap, massproduced, bog-standard or downright horrible food”. He claims to have then “bamboozled them into believing they like it”.

The man could be a genius. “Taste is tremendously subjective,” he says. “People are not too smart to be fooled.” The idea is to harness what psychologists call the “halo effect”. In a Christmas nutshell, make people feel good about a few aspects of an experience and everything else about it will seem perfect.

We don’t want to make dinner sound like a bank heist, but planning your arrival and exit can be beneficial. According to Andrea Brandt, a family therapist with more than 35 years’ experience, structuring your visit can pay dividends.

If you go home for the holidays and are committed to a few solid days with your family, there’s no reason why you can’t make plans with a friend while you’re there too, or catch a movie. It’ll be a nice distraction, a break from the stress, and maybe something to talk about when you regroup with your family.

Sometimes the sacks of presents come with a suitcase of anger, built up over the year. Irrespective of how close families are, conflict can happen when everyone is in a confined space, according to Pamela Regan, a psychology professor at California State University in Los Angeles, USA. She says: “Because conflict is a normal part of relationships, the closer you are and the more you self-disclose, the more you hear things you don’t like.”

This is perfectly normal, says Regan, who implores us to keep the faith. “Once relationships are established, they are resilient. That’s what we see in the literature. “People think, ‘This is the family I’ve got, and it may not be perfect, but we can get through this.’”

We’ve all been there, envisioning Christmas will be a “perfect time”, the food will be faultless, conversations will flow brilliantly and gifts will be spot on. But in order to avoid feeling disheartened when things don’t quite meet idealistic expectations, the answer could come from moving the Christmas goalposts if the numbers of guests are getting out of hand. Terri Orbuch, a relationship expert and sociology professor at Oakland University, USA, believes conflict and tension can be reduced by shifting the meal either side of the big day itself.

The main thing to take away is that Christmas is not the spotless showroom open on the one day we’ve all been waiting for. Think of it instead as a blank gallery, free for you to customise, make your own, and for it to happen whenever and however you want it to be.

The less pressure you put on yourself to make the day go without a hitch, the happier you’ll feel all round just to enjoy the present moment – the greatest gift of all.

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Real people. Amazing journeys.

True Life | Kelly’s story

A near-death experience changed me

Author Kelly Walsh took an overdose to escape her living hell, but a spiritual encounter while recuperating in hospital had a life-changing effect on her world

T

he day I lost hope was 5 October 2009.

On that day, I took a huge overdose – in excess of 20,000 milligrams of paracetamol, and waited to die. Some may say it was a cry for help. I can assure you it wasn’t. I was tired, weary and in deep emotional pain. Death seemed like the only option to put an end to the perceived hell I was living in.

You may be wondering how I ended up in such a dark, dismal place. It didn’t happen overnight. It was the result of years of not feeling worthy or good enough. Like a lot of children, I felt different. Like I didn’t quite fit.

On reflection, I realise I grew up with deep-rooted emotional issues that affected my ability to truly love and accept myself. Outwardly, I appeared happy,

but that was a mask I often wore to conceal the pain of my breaking heart. Plagued with insecurity, and a deep, unfulfilled need to be loved and accepted, I developed an eating disorder at 16. I dabbled in recreational drugs and, in my 20s, suffered with periods of severe fight-or-flight anxiety and depression. It got so bad that I couldn’t sleep. It would literally feel like sheer torture. I remember just wanting to shut my eyes and to never wake up.

On 9 October 2009, four days following my overdose, I woke up in a hospital bed with my arms across my chest. I opened them in slow motion, like a re-birth and shouted out that I had met God and the angels. I had had a profound and life-changing neardeath experience (NDE).

Continues >>>

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True Life | Kelly’s story How can this be? Well, the reality is I experienced the feelings of oneness with the universe and Divine Love. I was shown that it wasn’t my time; I still had important work to carry out. The message I was given? That love will heal and transform the world.

Self-love being most important of all.

The following evening, I had a vision and shouted: “Like-minded souls will collaborate to change the world.” I was so euphoric and shared my experience with anyone who would listen, but I don’t think I was taken too seriously as I was on a psychiatric ward.

A week later I miraculously walked out of hospital, fully healed physically, but with emotional and spiritual healing to do.

I know my experience may sound crazy. It does to me at times! But this is what happened. Fortunately, sharing my experience in hospital didn’t result in me being sectioned, as it does for some. I believe far more needs to be done within the healthcare system to understand spiritual-awakening symptoms. Based on my personal experience, a more personcentred, holistic-approach should be considered. Patients would benefit if healthcare workers focused on the collective healing of mind, body and soul.

It has taken me seven years to fully process and integrate my experience, but my life since my NDE hasn’t all been plain sailing. Like most people, it’s been a journey of highs and lows. I’ve had to endure the loss of my dearly loved dad to suicide in 2015, and the blame from my mum’s side of the family for his death. The pain I felt on receiving the call that he’d hanged himself is indescribable.

However, I truly believe the wisdom I gained during my NDE helped me to deal with his passing in a far more peaceful way than I would have done otherwise. I know life is eternal and we will one day be reunited.

I realised I have been seeking external love and acceptance my whole life, but the person I really needed to seek it from was myself. My life experiences have made me who I am, and I wouldn’t change a thing.

I’m now in a position to help others with their own healing journey to self-love and acceptance.

Ultimately, I believe we are spiritual beings having an earthly experience. At times, our lives can be painful, but all of our experiences, including pain and suffering, help us to learn, grow and develop. It’s only when we go home that everything finally makes full sense. It’s worth always remembering that no matter what challenges you face, you are loved – and are loved unconditionally.

We all are.

I am passionate about raising awareness of suicide, and speaking openly and honestly about my experience at both ends of the spectrum. I wonder, perhaps if I had spoken to my dad about this in more detail he would still be with us today?

My NDE, and other spiritual experiences I’ve had since, have changed me. I now know God’s unconditional love to be true. Through my own darkness, I found my light and this has become my divine power.

Whatever your own beliefs, I hope that my words can help ease the pain and suffering of those who have lost someone. It’s time to end the stigma associated with mental health issues and suicide.

We need to encourage people to speak openly and honestly about their feelings rather than hide them like a dark guilty secret.

My anxiety and depression felt like sheer torture.

I remember just wanting to shut my eyes and to never wake up

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Real INSPIRATION

‘At times, our lives can be painful, but all our experiences, including pain and suffering, help us to learn, grow and develop’

Today I am a published author, speaker, coach and mentor. I live in Manchester with my soulmate, best friend and rock, Neil, and our angel puppy Coco. I’m also blessed to have two wonderful stepsons, to be part of an awesome alternative family, and to have lots of amazing friends from around the world. I founded the Positivity Power Movement, which fuels the activity of the Love, Care, Share Foundation.

The goal of the foundation is to make a positive difference in children’s lives worldwide. Today I have a happy, healthy heart, mind and soul.

Life is wonderful. It is a divine gift!

‘The Transformative Power of Near-Death Experiences’, by Kelly Walsh and Dr Penny Sartori, is out now (Watkins, £10.99).

Our Expert Says

We all have times that feel difficult – overwhelming even. Kelly’s remarkable story of transformation illustrates how it’s possible for a person to move from a place of darkness into a life of positivity and hope. Whatever our beliefs, we all have the potential to find our own path to a brighter future. Kelly is testament to the fact that all our life experiences can be used for the good, once we have found the help we need and given ourselves time to heal.

Rachel Coffey, BA MA NLP Mstr

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Sex & Relationships

How to Say Farewell

Understanding how to say goodbye is a part of life. So why does the final moment fill us with fear and dread?

Here’s how to say adieu without falling into guilt, pain and nagging self-doubt Writing | Lucy Cavendish

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Parting WAYS

P

eople leave but they don’t say goodbye. People say goodbye but they don’t leave.

When it comes to leaving a relationship, this well-known proverb can often ring loud and true. Some people say goodbye, but even though they are no longer with us, something of their presence lingers. We are all aware of that scenario: a relationship that is apparently over and yet some vestige remains either in the form of a love that just won’t fade – or we wilfully wish to keep it alive despite the fact the lover might have gone. Or, we move house and yet we still yearn for the home we left behind.

It’s not easy to let things go.

Yet we do have a choice when it comes to leaving.

Those who find it difficult tend to go abruptly – they leave without saying goodbye. You come home and they’ve vanished. Or there’s a farewell text and not much more. Some people can only cope with the pain and guilt of leaving by cutting off completely and blocking the person in every way possible – social media, phone calls, emails. This is all about fear. By cutting off abruptly, you face no recriminations. You don’t have to hear what the other person has to say. It’s mostly done to avoid difficult and deep feelings.

Avoiding saying goodbye is about trying to avoid the feeling of loss.

When we make the decision to move, we fear the loss of our previous life, the home we lived in, or the friends we once had there. But there are ways to say goodbye – to lovers, friends, homes, social connections – that can be honest and less painful.

One way is to show gratitude for that relationship, to honour what you have learned from that person, to open yourself up to the pain of saying goodbye whilst knowing you are both learning a life lesson in the process.

If we put in to words our feelings about the importance of what we had and what we are losing, we are far

more able to come to terms with that loss. When we don’t say goodbye, we are often left with unresolved feelings that can take over. What if we’d stayed?

Did that person really love us? Have we made a rash decision?

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin were roundly drubbed by the media when they announced they were “consciously uncoupling” – a phrase that’s still a punchline on the comedy circuit. Yet Gwyneth and Chris had a point. They decided to leave their relationship with respect and decency.

“Conscious uncoupling” is about being utterly aware of what you are doing and also giving the person you once loved a sense of being valid. In many ways, it’s about being mindful.

Open yourself up to the pain of saying goodbye whilst knowing you are both learning a life lesson If we try to put “the good” of people central in our lives – which is a lot better than not doing that – then leaving in a mindful way is possible, however painful.

If we leave in a hurry, scurrying on to the next thing, we don’t have time to absorb what we had. It’s as if we consign things to the dustbin without giving them any recognition.

In a fast-paced world, this happens often. We embrace our social contacts

and then reject them as if they have no meaning for us. But most of us spend our entire adult lives trying to find a meaning to absence.

This is different when it comes to someone who is dying. There is no choice. But, again, being mindful of what that person needs from you is of the utmost importance.

We should think about how we wish to remember them. I don’t think we need to clear out everything from our lives that reminds us of that person – the person who has passed or the person who has moved on. I am a great fan of nostalgia. I like to remember what has been. I like to have small memories of the people I have loved. I don’t want to obliterate everything and move onwards and upwards without a backwards glance.

For me, people, places and objects have meaning.

However, I don’t attach so much importance to them that I feel held back or emotionally tied down.

We all have previous lives and loves.

We have all lost old lives, friends and homes, as well as partners and lovers.

It’s important to admit this, accept it, and make it an acknowledged part of our past. It’s not easy. It’s far easier to cut and run (and then maybe vilify) but that might leave a person living with a deepening sense of regret and anger which can turn very toxic.

We’ve all met a divorced person who is still, somehow, hanging on to the bitterness of their marriage ending.

That bitterness can last years, even decades. It’s very difficult to move on if you haven’t accepted and understood what the ending is about. And yet, in order to live a full, happy and emotionally-healthy life, it’s the only way forward.

Lucy Cavendish is a BACP-registered integrative counsellor. For more information please go to lucycavendishcounselling.com.

Visit counselling-directory.org.uk to find a professional in your area.

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BE WHO YOU ARE Take a moment to note down 10 amazing things about YOU. Walk with your head held high and own being yourself – you’re one in 7.4 billion after all.

Clean EATING

ORTHOREXIA Is Clean Eating Making You Unwell?

The rise of ‘clean eating’ is fuelling a condition that bears all the hallmarks of a new type of eating disorder. One of the UK’s top specialists for Anorexia & Bulimia Care says our obsession with ‘purity’ may be putting our health at risk >>> Writing | Renee McGregor

Food Explainer

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ost of us are familiar with the serious mental illnesses and eating disorders of anorexia and bulimia nervosa. In comparison, orthorexia nervosa is still a relatively unknown term. In fact, orthorexia is not yet officially recognised as a clinical diagnosis, but does display all the characteristics of an eating disorder, including aspects of anxiety, low self-esteem and a perceived negative opinion of oneself.

The difference is that orthorexia is not the pursuit of “perfection or control” through food and weight restriction, but is characterised by the quest “to purify oneself ” through dietary rules and regimes. Simply put, it is defined as an obsession with healthy eating.

It was first introduced by Steve Bratman, MD, in 1996, who identified it as a stand-alone condition. He coined this term in order to help his patients understand that their obsession with “healthy” eating was indeed more detrimental, rather than beneficial to their health.

Thus, orthorexia is the search for purity – individuals will go to any extent to “eat pure”, or in more recent parlance, “eat clean” – even if this means they will be deficient in key nutrients.

The individual will, quite honestly, go to any lengths to ensure that they are eating pure, whether that be spending huge amounts of money on particular food ingredients they deem to be vital to their health, or avoiding social situations and environments for fear of the food on offer not having been prepared in a pure way or have come from a pure source.

It is often missed as a problem due to the rise of “wellness” and “lifestyle” books and information provided by health and food bloggers, who often make unfounded nutritional claims, creating food trends and fads.

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While many food and health bloggers have barely a credible nutritional qualification between them, what they do specialise in is selling a glamourous and envied lifestyle. They attribute their success and happiness to how they choose to eat. It is this aspect that individuals with orthorexia go in search of, this promise of “perfect”, which means these pseudo-nutritional claims become the new way of eating under the guise of it being “healthy”.

Orthorexia is often a collection of “food rules” that involve removing specific food groups, such as dairy, or individual ingredients such as sugar, or more extreme yet, anything that is “white, refined and processed”.

It is important to remember that a life built around food rules is not one that brings happiness or self-acceptance.

These have to come from within yourself

Cleansing control?

Orthorexia is not the pursuit of “perfection” through food, but the quest to “purify oneself ” through rules and regimes

Even more significant is the implication that if you choose not to eat in this way, then somehow you are impure and inferior to those that do.

For someone who is already low in self-confidence and self-worth, the need to please and be “good enough” is a relentless battle. They will go to any lengths in order to achieve what they perceive as “perfection”. Yet the problem is that whatever they do is never sufficient, and their pursuit of happiness continues.

The real answer, of course, is being able to accept oneself for who we are, faults and all.

While these problems may be internal, they will use methods such as “clean eating” to project this dissatisfaction with themselves. They will often evangelise how healthy they feel on their particular path, without fully appreciating the negative impact that removing food groups will be having on their health.

With the rise of social media as a mode of communication, #cleaneating has become something of a “badge of honour”, with more and more people adopting the phrase and striving towards it in order to feel validated and accepted.

What may start out as a means of trying to make a simple change to their diet or lifestyle can, in some susceptible individuals, fast-track into something far more serious. While it may be perceived as being “healthier”, it potentially can just be a guise for restricting food intake.

For example, one of the most common and frequent changes I have witnessed in recent years is the rise of individuals becoming vegan or eating more plant-based foods. Of course, there is absolutely no issue with an individual choosing to become vegan; it can be a very healthy way of eating, if a balanced intake of all the nutrients required for the body is maintained.

However, when this then becomes an excuse to also become grain, gluten

Clean EATING

New Generation

In a recent USA Today study, 41% of Generation Z consumers (people aged 20 or under) said they would pay more for healthier products

For someone who is low in self-confidence and self-worth, the need to please and be ‘good enough’ is a relentless battle

and sugar free, with no real scientific evidence of a health benefit, what you then have is someone on a severely restricted diet, putting their body at more risk than is good for them.

These “food rules” help to provide the individual with the control and security they need in order to feel better about themselves. The real problem is that, over time, this need for control impacts everyday life, causing social isolation and nutritional deficiencies. The more restrictive an individual becomes, the higher the level of anxiety in stepping away from these methods of control.

It is important to remember that a life built around food rules is not one that brings happiness or selfacceptance. These are both factors that have to come from within yourself.

Changing a constant negative narrative within yourself into a positive one takes time, energy and effort. It is likely that you will need professional support in order for you to achieve a positive relationship with food, but more importantly, to find peace within yourself.

The UK’s eating disorder charity Beat has a free, confidential helpline: 0808 801 0677 Renee McGregor BSc (hons) PGDIP (DIET) PGCERT(sportsnutr) RD SENr ​ is a specialist in eating disorders, and holds the position of Nutrition Lead at the charity Anorexia & Bulimia Care.

Her book, ‘Orthorexia: When Healthy Eating Goes Bad’, is on sale now (Watkins £8.99).

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True Life | Elisa’s story ‘Depression and mental illnesses are disabilities that need kindness and treatment’

My depression cost me my career Author Elisa Marcella Webb’s depression changed her whole life. The career she’d nurtured fell by the wayside, and she struggled to hold down a job. But by allowing herself the space to explore her passions, she found a new life, recovery, and therapy in the written word

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£

7.50 an hour: that’s what mental illness cost me. And that’s just for starters. I was slow to catch on to the fact that I was very, very ill. Totally bat-shit crazy – my term, my thing. I own it now. I may even have some fun with it, eventually. Through a series of unfortunate events – the usual suspects: stress, trauma, burn out – I became ill.

I was a head of department at a top London school, having created the department from scratch, and nurtured it for eight years. I managed the successful work of more than 200 students, and always scored “outstanding” for my pastoral care. Raising two children while holding down a career had always given me energy. People relied on me. If I hit a wall, I bounced. But now, I was a punctured ball.

It was like that moment in Jurassic Park II where Julianne Moore falls onto a window and you see it crack. I heard the crack, then the splintering, as I slipped and fell into severe clinical depression.

Every depressive symptom was off the scale.

Like a hologram, there was nothing inside. I was doing an imitation of myself at work and home.

I went to a doctor, but initially argued that I couldn’t have depression. She paused and waited, realising I just wasn’t ready to admit I had a mental illness. I was burning with shame. I was a failure, abject, unclean, blimey maybe even dangerous. A Gothic picnic.

For me, the choice was simple: stop work or go off Vauxhall Bridge. I didn’t tell my chocolate teapot boss, and she didn’t ask.

I’d stopped eating. Why would you feed yourself if you planned to kill yourself?

Low mood is an umbrella term for what “civilians” or outsiders are most interested in: the suicide conduct zone.

At this I failed, botched it, was lucky, was interrupted and now

and again held myself in check. My daughter came home unexpectedly, the kitchen knives were blunt, I was too damned loaded to reach the next pack of pills, the bridge was crowded. I couldn’t meet my friends’ eyes because I didn’t plan to be around next week to see them. I was done. Or so I thought. If you’ve ever broken an arm or a leg, you’ll know about pain so bad you’ll do anything to escape it. Well it’s a bit like that. A bit. It’s constant background noise; a continuous argument about not going off the balcony.

People don’t say “pull yourself together” anymore. They wink and say: “Oh I think we’re all a bit mad, don’t you?” No, I don’t. Depression and mental illnesses are disabilities that need kindness and treatment – medication, counselling and a change of lifestyle. Would you go up to someone in a wheelchair and say: “I like a good sit down too.” Or to a diabetic: “Don’t use insulin. Man-up and get yourself better!”

So how did I get better?

I found Dr Tim Cantopher’s book Depressive Illness: The Curse of the Strong in Waterstones, took it to the till, hiding it under two novels. The bookseller said: “That’s a good one.” She knew, she got it, and she cared. I felt a bit better. That book was my raft, and later on many other books were too. Cantopher wrote: “Do not lie in bed.”

I didn’t – that would have made it much worse by trapping me in my head; I would not have survived. For a year though, I struggled to stand up. However, I got dressed, saw my kids off to school and went for a coffee.

OK, I had to watch myself so I didn’t step out in front of a lorry. And I never believed I’d get better or would ever be employed again. I thought I’d be locked up, shut away, dumped. Continues >>>

My anxiety can rocket off the Richter scale and my low moods are dangerous, but somehow my path is clearer, brighter, and longer

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True Life | Elisa’s story While sitting in Café Nero, I saw an ad on the side of a bus outside for our local university. I signed up for a Creative Writing MA there, figuring I could do it sitting down, use their counselling and support services, update my qualifications and fudge with future employers that I’d been too ill (bat-shit crazy) to work.

Most of my fellow students were young Americans; it was like being at a cool high school. We bonded over the highs and lows of assignments, talked for hours about writing and writers. It was over far too quickly and we scattered across three continents.

Despite zero self-esteem, no confidence, sky-high anxiety and struggling to survive inside my own darkness, I began to apply for part-time jobs that fitted my new situation. As I saw it, I was damaged goods, but with good skills and a willingness to work hard – like one of those mythical charity shop bargains that turns out to be Chanel.

I had a lot of interviews and learned a lot. I had some awful experiences, but eventually I got a temporary post as a teaching assistant working with teenagers with autism. It was a lot of fun and I had great colleagues who didn’t run away screaming when I told them I had a mental illness. They were kind and curious. After that, I became a barista (OK, a 50-year-old waitress) at a cool, independent café, and when that folded, I became lead barista at a halal cafe. I learned how to make the perfect cappuccino, the smoothest flat white. Sadly, this folded too. I had to start again and apply for my fourth job in two years. Gruelling though this was, I’d been to workshops on interviews at uni and at Women Like Us, which really helped. I wasn’t alone.

I got another part-time job; it’s £7.50 an hour, but it’s a good company with an interesting product and I have great colleagues. It may lead somewhere.

In the meantime, I’ve written a novel – you sort of have to after doing a writing MA. It was accepted by Patrician Press, and on Halloween 2016 my debut novel, Darkling Park, was launched at the local graveyard where the children’s adventure is set. I felt like a lottery winner – thanks to the excitement rather than the money – visiting my children’s primary school on World Book Day to talk about the lonely girl who makes friends with an odd boy and his strange dog that may not be a dog at all.

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Elisa’s debut novel ‘Darkling Park’ is set in her local graveyard

They loved it, especially as it’s about their south London neighbourhood.

Writing every day – whatever I was writing – really helped, as did my uni and work routines, daily mindfulness exercises, medication, regular episodes of Firefly and Buffy, TEDTalks, friends and family – do tell people, most will support you and those that don’t, cull – a daily molten flat white, Green Day and Nirvana. It’s still hard.

I’m a part-time student again, with a part-time job and a family to raise. Debt and worry hover in the background. My anxiety can rocket off the Richter scale and my low moods are dangerous, but somehow my path is clearer, brighter, and longer.

I lost my shit big time in 2010, but now I own it.

Depression took my life away, but it gave me back a new one.

Our Expert Says A great career is no protection against depression. Elisa found it difficult to accept her diagnosis, and struggles with thoughts of ending her life. Dr Cantopher’s book speaks to her and she focuses on life, beginning to do things for herself, with her creative writing course and counselling. She makes new connections and her attitude to mental illness changes. She begins to reflect on her powerful journey, through self-care and taking action, travelling from depression to elation.

Graeme Orr, MBACP (Accred) BACP Reg Ind counsellor

Life LESSONS

Activities to Help Grieving Children

While we can’t take the sadness away, we can support children with ways to express their emotions

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Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

ur instinct is to protect our children whenever we can, but when it comes to bereavement, shielding them may not be possible. With 41,000 children bereaved each year in the UK, a staggering 92% of young people will experience a significant loss by the age of 16.

However, there are many things you can do to help your child to work through their emotions, understand what’s happened, and cope with their loss.

Create a memory box

Working together to create a memory box can be a great way to remember your loved one and keep treasured keepsakes from that person safe. Photos, gifts, ornaments, or mementos make good additions. For younger children, try including hand-drawn pictures, or write down their favourite memories of the person.

Read together

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REASSURING ACTIONS

Books can help children explore and understand their emotions.

By reading about loss and grief through characters, events, and situations in a safe environment, they may be more able to recognise their own feelings. Working through a grief or bereavement activity book together can be an effective way to get children thinking, talking or drawing about what’s happened. Picture books explaining death can be a gentle way to initiate conversation with them about their feelings and understanding of the situation.

Encourage journaling

Accepting that a loved one is not there anymore can be tough.

Talking out loud about their loss can be hard. By encouraging journaling, children can write letters, poems, draw pictures, or make collages to put on paper what they may have trouble expressing verbally. For younger children, a bereavement activity book can provide a great, structured way to work through their thoughts and feelings.

Build a photo album

Children may worry that they’ll forget the person who’s died.

Looking at photos can be a good way to talk about happy times.

Decorating a frame, or creating an album together, can also give your child the time to open up, think and talk about happy memories of the person.

Make a bracelet

It can feel pretty lonely when someone close dies. Some children may feel like there isn’t anyone they can talk to, or worry about upsetting others by talking about their lost loved one. One simple, visual reminder of the people who are there for them is a friendship bracelet. Get your child to list five or six people who care about them, and taking a different coloured piece of thread for each person, plait them together, and help your child tie it on. Now, whenever they feel low or unsure, they’ll have a visual reminder of the people they can talk to.

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Sex & Relationships

My Year of New Sensations What happened when author Isabel Losada dedicated a whole year to exploring the intersection between sex and happiness?

Interview | Kathryn Wheeler

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Exploring PLEASURE

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rom an early age, writer Isabel Losada was interested in everything that could nourish her mentally, physically, and spiritually. After publishing several books exploring spirituality and the pursuit of happiness, she received a challenge from a friend: “If you’ve always been interested in happiness, how is it you’ve never written about sex?” Struck by the poignancy of this question, Isabel dedicated an entire year to studying the relationship between sexuality and happiness. From exploring couples retreats to examining the relationship between sex and religion, here’s what she learnt, in her own words:

On couples retreats

What most couples do when they’ve been together for some time, and lost the spark they used to have, is have an affair. Or, post Fifty Shades of Grey, they think they have to suddenly develop an interest in being whipped, blindfolded and tied up. This is tragic.

Couples workshops are for everyone, and they are beautiful. When I went, there was a very young couple. The woman was pregnant and they wanted to make sure their sex life wasn’t lost while she was pregnant. On the other hand, there was a couple in their 60s who wanted to make sure they didn’t become celibate in their old age.

On women-only sexuality retreats

If I could give one piece of advice, it would be to make sex a priority On sex myths

There are two big lies out there. Firstly, the myth that sex should just happen naturally. A man should know how to pleasure a woman and a woman should be able to be 100% pleased, and if she’s not, she’s broken in some way.

The second myth, created by the porn industry, is that the man has to be harder, firmer, longer. However he is, he isn’t enough. Woman are told they have to be orgasmic during penetrative sex and thrash around in pleasure.

The sexual act itself, which should be about two people’s bodies coming together for mutual pleasure and comfort, has become a performance in which you either fail or succeed. These two myths create enormous misery.

As women, we want to liberate our fellow sisters from whatever is holding them back. We’re all committed to each other’s progress. One of the exercises at the retreat was to stand in front of other women and say how you feel about your body. This is an enormous challenge, no matter what your body type is.

But when you see a woman who can stand naked and say, “I love my stomach because it represents my children,” you just want to applaud her. Women are there for you 100% and the level of support is amazing.

On orgasmic meditation

I discovered that there are a lot of people doing work on women’s pleasure.

“OMing”, which is short for orgasmic meditation, is midway between sex and meditation. It’s a practice done outside the bedroom, separated from your normal sexual space, where the man learns how to stroke a woman’s clitoris in a very precise way, using a technique I describe in my book. He is fully clothed and so he can give 100% of his attention to her. The idea behind this process is not to get the woman to climax, but rather to explore the processes of her body.

Isabel: ‘I seek a complete experience’

On sex and spirituality

In the “mind, spirit, body” movement, the body has become addressed almost exclusively in terms of yoga, diet and exercise, and on how we dress. Very few people actually look at sexuality seriously, and yet it’s a huge component in our mental and physical wellbeing.

In the centre of most people’s lives is a relationship, and at the centre of that, is a bedroom. If what happens there is good and positive, then that makes a huge contribution to our wellbeing.

I seek to have an experience, as a human being, that is complete, and that includes my body.

My final thoughts

At the start of the year, my partner would joke that he knew everything about sex already, and by the end he said he now knows a little less. We went through all kinds of experiences together, and the whole year was very fun. If I could give one piece of advice, it would be to make sex a priority.

Decide to be an expert, learn about it, and give it time and energy.

Isabel Losada is the author of ‘Sensations: Adventures in Sex, Love and Laughter’.

Watkins £9.99

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True Life | Helen’s story

At just 21, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis Travel blogger Helen Renners suffered with aches and pains for her entire life – it wasn’t until university that she realised it was something serious. But it hasn’t held her back. In fact, she’s currently backpacking around the world

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s I write this, I’m sitting in the jungle in south Sri Lanka, in the first week of my 12-month solo backpacking trip around Asia and Australia. This time last year I could barely get out of bed. I would turn off my phone and shut myself away from the world for days at a time. My self-esteem was low and my anxiety was crippling. It became a vicious circle I didn’t know how to break out of.

As a child, I would constantly have a swollen, sprained ankle or wrist. I’d never remember exactly how it happened, but I would find myself

in so much pain that I couldn’t put my weight on one foot, or my wrists would ache as though I had fallen and landed badly on them. It became a running joke in my family that I was “spraining my ankle” to avoid PE. When I was 19 and at university, I joined the gym for the first time. I’d run on the treadmill and for the next few days my feet would be swollen and achy. At 20, I went to Thailand with some friends and my feet would ache after long days of exploring. In the mornings, my hands were so painful that I wouldn’t be able to unscrew a bottle of water or have the strength to lift a pot of tea.

When I got home, I spoke to my mum and she decided I needed to see a doctor.

My GP said my hands and feet looked normal and sent me away. But when I went back to the gym and started running, my feet instantly swelled to the biggest cankles I’ve ever seen! I went straight back to my GP to show them what had happened.

They sent me for blood tests and told me to avoid doing anything that would have any impact on my feet – no more running, no jumping, and no wearing heels!

The tests came back and I was told I had a ridiculously high erythrocyte sedimentation rate (ESR) in my blood – the highest they’d ever seen in someone of my age. Continues >>>

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True Life | Helen’s story ESR indicates the level of inflammation in my joints. It had been a week since I’d been told to avoid anything causing impact on my feet, so they sent me for more blood tests to compare with my initial ones. There wasn’t much difference between the two, despite the physical appearance of swelling going down. My doctor decided it was highly likely I had rheumatoid arthritis and would need to be referred to a specialist.

I was really freaked out; wasn’t arthritis what old ladies got when they needed their hips replaced?! I wasn’t even 21 yet.

It took a long time for my appointment to come through, and when it finally came around, they took some blood, poked and prodded me, and took some kind of bright orange goo out from behind my knee caps, which, being scared of needles, was pretty traumatic. After several hours, they decided there wasn’t much inflammation in my blood anymore so there was nothing for them to work with. I was discharged – great!

I got used to adapting my life to avoid aggravating my joints, and sort of forgot about it. I moved to London when I turned 23 and started back at the gym. But one morning I woke up and couldn’t lift the duvet with my hands. My fingers were bent and I couldn’t straighten them. When this didn’t stop after a few weeks, I went to see my new doctor, and after hearing about my history, he sent me straight to the nurse for blood tests there and then.

Within two weeks, I’d been sent for an appointment with a specialist in Charing Cross Hospital. It was all so fast; I arrived for my appointment and was weighed, asked for a urine sample, had more blood tests, and was sent for a lung X-ray. I remember being rushed around different departments in the hospital and not having a clue what was going on.

Eventually I saw the doctor, who said: “You have severe rheumatoid arthritis and we need to start you on medication immediately to stop any further damage to your joints. Once you start this treatment you can’t just stop – we’ll have to wean you off to avoid damaging your organs.”

I burst into tears. I was so overwhelmed by what was going on and didn’t really have any time to process it.

Once I started on the medication, things still didn’t clear up quickly. I had extreme side effects that made me really poorly. Weight loss, weight gain,

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hair loss, a swollen face, tiredness, skin rashes, hyper pigmentation in my skin, nausea – I went through it all. Months would go by where they would adjust my meds or swap me onto new ones and I still wouldn’t feel well.

Some meds worked better than others, but I still didn’t feel 100% and I kept telling my doctors this. As far as they were concerned though, everything was “probably as good as it [was] going to get”.

For me, this answer didn’t cut it. I researched the effects of nutrition on your health and started to cut down on sugar and wheat. This made a slight difference, but I was still suffering with anxiety and aches I couldn’t explain – they didn’t feel the same as the pain in my joints from the arthritis.

I stood my ground and kept going back to the hospital. I knew my body wasn’t 100% and that they must be missing something. Last year, when I was at my lowest – exhausted, stressed, and confused about what was happening to me – it made me feel like I was going insane! Eventually though, the doctors found that I also have systemic lupus erythematosus.

Lupus and rheumatoid arthritis have very similar symptoms, and it was the early symptoms of lupus that had been put down to side effects of the medications.

I wasn’t happy to hear I had a second autoimmune disease to contend with, but I was so relieved to finally find out why I was feeling so horrific. My personality had changed so much; I was reclusive because I didn’t have the energy to explain to people how I felt. Autoimmune diseases aren’t visible, and in my experience, they can make you feel very lonely. It can be embarrassing not to be able to do everything your friends can easily do, and you don’t want to keep reminding them because you want to carry on as normal.

Once I was on the correct medications, I quickly began getting back to my old self. My friends were amazing. I explained what was happening and why I’d been off the radar, and instantly regretted not letting them know sooner.

I always wanted to travel the world, but because of my condition the doctors wouldn’t recommend it while my health was unstable. This year, my specialist finally agreed it was safe for me to travel.

He prescribed me with six months’ medication, on the condition I go for blood tests once a month while I’m away and email him the results.

xxxxxx

One morning I woke up and couldn’t lift the duvet with my hands. My fingers were bent and I couldn’t straighten them

If you’re struggling with an autoimmune condition, or anything similar, you honestly don’t need to suffer in silence. Speak to your friends, your family and your doctors. If you’re given a diagnosis but still don’t feel 100%, keep going back and asking for more answers – you know your body better than they do. It took six years for medical professionals to find out I had lupus as well as rheumatoid arthritis, and since I found out I’ve been so much better off.

It can be a long process but it does get better, and it shouldn’t stop you doing anything you want to do. You may have to adapt things slightly, but you can still live a happy life. I know this because that’s what has happened to me. I’m setting out on an adventure I always dreamt of but never thought possible, and am so excited for the future!

Helen now shares her experiences of travelling with autoimmune conditions on her blog, beachdontkillmyvibe.co.uk

Our Expert Says Helen is an inspirational young woman. Her story illustrates the importance of keeping the lines of communication open, even when we may find it hard to be heard. Now, her doctor is helping her fulfil her ambitions. She reminds us that help is there from both friends and professionals. Reaching out is the first step toward achieving our dreams, just as Helen is today!

Rachel Coffey, BA MA NLP Mstr

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The Happiful Road Test

Alcohol-Free Festive Drinks Writing | Rebecca Thair

With Christmas party season around the corner, the fizz is bound to be flowing – but you don’t always have to ‘drink’ to enjoy the festive spirit

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n years gone by, being the designated driver meant sticking to sodas, or maybe treating yourself to a lime cordial at the pub. But with the rise in people choosing to stay sober in recent years, companies are catching up to the trend and offering some more interesting alternatives. Whether you don’t drink as a lifestyle choice, because you’re pregnant, or are just wanting to be on your best behaviour at the work Christmas party, you can still join in the fun with alcohol-free versions of your favourite festive drinks.

Happiful have put five drinks to the test to see what we would raise a glass to, and what we’d pour down the sink. Bottoms up!

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ROCHESTER ORGANIC MULLED PUNCH Who doesn’t love a bit of mulled wine at Christmas time – which is essentially the scent of the season in a bottle! This alcohol-free version is a blend of organic fruit juices, mixed spices and oils. RRP: £4.99

VERDICT

“I would prefer this over alcohol, although it’s only good when piping hot, as suggested on the bottle. Once cooled, it was not so good.”

– Simon

TASTE: 4/5 COMPARED TO ALCOHOLIC VERSION: 3.5/5

drinks NON-ALCOHOLIC

CARL JUNG BLANC DE BLANCS SPARKLING CHARDONNAY No one should feel left out when celebrating a toast, so here’s an option for an alcohol-free sparkling wine. It’s a medium-dry chardonnay with plenty of fizz when you’re raising a glass. RRP: £5.99

VERDICT:

“The taste is lovely, and if it’s served in a fancy wine glass and you’re surrounded by good company, what’s not to love?”

– Lucy

TASTE: 4.5/5 COMPARED TO ALCOHOLIC VERSION: 3/5

TEETOTAL G‘N’T A refreshing alcohol-free twist on the classic G&T, these carbonated Indian tonic waters, with selected natural botanicals, certainly went down a storm in Happiful HQ. RRP: £21.99 per case of 12 bottles

TASTE: 4/5 COMPARED TO ALCOHOLIC VERSION: 3.5/5

STOWFORD PRESS LA CIDER Renowned for producing alcoholic ciders, this low-alcohol version from Stowford Press is a great alternative for those who can’t get enough of the refreshing bevvie. RRP: £22.99 per case of 24 bottles

BREWDOG NANNY STATE LOW ALCOHOL BEER Although not completely alcohol-free, this beer contains five types of hop, eight speciality malts, and at less than 0.2 units you won’t find yourself feeling tipsy too quickly. RRP: £1.25

VERDICT:

“Although it may take a little while to get accustomed to for seasoned, alcoholicbeer drinkers, I think this is definitely the best alcohol-free ale on the market at present.” – Paul

TASTE: 4/5 UNITS: 0.165 COMPARED TO ALCOHOLIC VERSION: 3.5/5

TASTE: 4/5 UNITS: 0.2 COMPARED TO ALCOHOLIC VERSION: 2.5/5

CONCLUSION Based on our 28 reviews, it looks like the Happiful office is pretty happy with alcohol-free bevvies. A clear-headed 86% of us said “yes” or “maybe” when asked if we would choose that particular alcohol-free festive drink again, and 82% would recommend the drink to a friend.

One question that did cause a bit more debate was whether we would choose the alcohol-free version of the drink over the alcoholic one. Only 22% of us said a straight “no”, 33% were a firm “yes” and 26% would drink the alcohol-free option if they couldn’t or didn’t want to have alcohol at an event.

82%

of Happiful said they’d recommend the drink to a friend

Overall, it looks like we have some great options to have a sober social this year, while a few of us are still a bit happier getting merry.

You can find all the drinks we tested either in supermarkets, or they can be ordered online at alcoholfree.co.uk Tweet us your thoughts @happifulhq

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Food & Drink: Mythbusters

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FOOD & DRINK MYTHBUSTERS

Nuts About Coconut Oil? Loved by fitness gurus like Joe Wicks, coconut oil has become increasingly popular in recent years, but is it all it’s cracked up to be?

Writing | Rebecca Thair

Coconuts: just the thought of them transports you to a tropical paradise. Over the years, they’ve come up in various diet myths – who didn’t get drawn into drinking copious amounts of coconut water? – and now the latest “superfood” praised for its nutritious goodness is coconut oil. But it’s a contentious one, given that a study by The New York Times found 72% of the US public believed coconut oil to be healthy, while only 37% of their expert nutritionist panel agreed. So, what’s the truth?

THE CLAIMS

Aside from seeming a lot more exciting and exotic than other vegetable oils, studies have found that people who include more coconut in their diets have higher levels of HDL cholesterol – linked to lower rates of strokes and heart disease – which is often attributed to the high proportion of lauric acid in coconut oil.

Additionally, some people claim that the medium-chain fatty acids (MCFAs) in coconut oil can help reduce your body weight, supported by research

by Marie-Pierre St-Onge in 2003. Her study found

those consuming a diet rich in medium-chain triglycerides (high concentrations in coconut oil) lost an extra pound compared to those who ate similar amounts of long-chain triglycerides.

THE REALITY

A lot of food scientists are concerned by the public perception of coconut oil as a superfood when it contains a serious amount of saturated fat – around 92%, which is more than lard or butter!

Just two tablespoons of coconut oil are equivalent to a woman’s recommended daily amount (RDA) of saturated fat, so it’s one to be wary of. While not all fats are bad, saturated fats have been proven to raise cholesterol, and increase the risk of strokes and heart attacks. The World Health Organisation suggests making use of the healthier, unsaturated fats found in fish, nuts, and sunflower and olive oils instead.

You might be thinking: “How can coconut oil increase both the good and bad cholesterol?” Well, this happens to be a trait in most saturated fats, but the important part is the ratio between these types of cholesterol – the bad can offset the good.

Furthermore, despite the claims, the European Food Safety Authority says there isn’t enough evidence to prove that coconut oil can help you to lose weight.

THE TAKEAWAY

Typically costing more than £6 for 250ml, coconut oil is a pricey alternative to vegetable oils for cooking, and a lot of the claims around its benefits are unsubstantiated.

While you shouldn’t be afraid of including fats in your diet, it’s important to be conscious of the amounts you’re cooking with.

Use less than two tablespoons of coconut oil a day when cooking, or risk exceeding the RDA for saturated fat.

Also, remember that substituting your cooking oil for something deemed “healthy” won’t make a difference if the food you’re cooking is unhealthy.

A healthy diet isn’t about changing one element; it’s about ensuring every plate contains a balance of each food group.

If you cook with coconut oil instead of vegetable oil, make sure you’re aware of the genuine nutritional content – don’t be fooled into thinking your dinner will be a healthy haven when it could end up being more of a paradise lost.

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True Life | James’s story

‘I was the epitome of a lost and broken soul, yet with a morality my mother had instilled in me’

I spent 20 years blaming myself for my mother’s suicide James Brett, founder of the non-profit Plant for Peace, kept the sexual abuse he suffered at the hands of his grandfather a secret for years.

His life spiralled after his mother’s suicide, but through seeking support, he found self-awareness and a passion to make a real difference in the world

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M

y friends always say that the greatest achievement in my life is that I overcame my past and recovered. I agree, and for that I am truly grateful.

I measure success through contentment and not through personal wealth – and I am rich. The coffers of contentment overflow within me, so much so that I would not change anything that happened to me in my past, for it has made me who I’ve become. Life is good. But it was a long, painful journey to get here.

As a child, my paternal grandfather, who was the head of our local gospel hall, sexually abused me for four years. I was nine years old when the abuse started.

Born into a religious family, I’m the second eldest son of five children.

My father worked for Nationwide Building Society, and my mother was a foster parent who won Super Mum of Wiltshire in 1985. In 1986, at the age of 16, I told my parents about the sexual abuse. My mother decided to stop fostering the next day. She said she couldn’t continue fostering other people’s children when she hadn’t even managed to protect her own. She became very withdrawn, and in early 1987, she drove into Swindon town centre and jumped off a multi-storey carpark, taking her own life.

The church elders accused me of being gay and leading my grandfather on. The police nigh on forced me not to press charges, even though my grandfather admitted the abuse. I left Swindon police station at 17 years old, broken from my pain and angry at the injustice. I had been let down on all fronts and felt alone. Young, traumatised and angry, with no adult guidance from that day on, and blaming myself for my

mother’s death for the next 20 years, I was a recipe for one thing: dysfunctionality.

In my mind, society owed me for letting me down – and society was going to pay.

For two years, I travelled around Europe by train, shoplifting designer clothes and anything else of value that I could sell back in the UK. To cope, I smoked 20 joints of hash every day, and built a strong reputation within the criminal fraternity. After being arrested, I would intimidate the police and put on performances in court that were Oscar-worthy, as I humoured the court proceedings. I found it farcical to be in court for these offences when the police had let my grandfather off for the abuse. But what could they do to me? They knew I was a lost cause, was on the mental health register, and on both psychiatric and street drugs.

At 6ft 2in, with a ginger beard the size of uncle Albert’s from Only Fools and Horses, and eyes that looked withdrawn and dangerous, I had an air of unpredictability that made people uneasy, and an anger bubbling away that got me through the day.

People who knew me then knew I had a good heart, but that I was hurting. Those who didn’t know me were wary and avoided me. I was unapproachable; the epitome of a lost and broken soul, yet with a morality that my mother had instilled in me.

At the age of 20, I arranged for a friend to smuggle 10 kilos of hash to the UK from Amsterdam to help sustain my habit. He got caught and went to prison. Wanting to put the matter right, a week later I told the police that I had arranged the smuggling and was put in the same prison – Rochester Young Offenders Institute in Kent.

On leaving prison at 21, I pinched a book from the library on British woodland and medicinal plants, and began living in a forest.

Continues >>>

I left Swindon police station at 17 years old, broken from my pain and angry at the injustice

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True Life | James’ story ‘10 years ago, I founded a peace-making initiative called Plant for Peace’

Head to plantforpeace.org to find out more, or head to your local Sainsbury’s, Waitrose or Holland & Barrett to get a box of four Plant for Peace bars for £2.99.

I couldn’t cope with society and wanted to opt out of being a part of it. Nature gave me solitude and helped me escape the madness of humanity. It also gave me a sense of spirituality, and intermingled with the thoughts of my own insanity came thoughts of really doing good in the world to try to make a difference.

In 1999, I was travelling in northern Pakistan and saw an old man blending pomegranate juice on the street. A strong sensation came over me.

I returned to UK and founded Pomegreat – the UK’s first pomegranate drink.

I was still very troubled, and in 2004 I had a breakdown as my past finally caught up with me.

I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act and put in a psychiatric hospital in Scotland on and off for 18 months. Besides switching your brain off and creating long periods of void within one’s thought processes, another side effect of the psychiatric medication was weight gain, and I ballooned to 135kgs [about 21 stone].

Still on psychiatric medication, in mid 2005 I was released from hospital as an outpatient, and shortly afterwards a friend introduced me to a counsellor in Swindon who helped adults address

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their issues of childhood sexual abuse. I was living in Scotland, 35 years old and was in despair at the thought of having to live another 35 years trying to cope with myself. The thought was unbearable and I had to do something about it. I ended up driving the 700-mile round trip from Scotland to Swindon every Monday for 18 months to go to counselling, and I became really well, learning the lessons of recovery – self-awareness, appreciation and gratitude. After 20 years of trauma and dysfunctionality, self-awareness consumed me for the first time and made me reflect on my actions over the years – and who I really was. They were the hardest 18 months of my life and I wept inconsolably every day.

In 2006, the head consultant psychiatrist from Ailsa hospital in Ayrshire, Scotland, took me off the mental health register for the first time since my mum had died. I had been on it for 20 years.

Self-awareness made me realise that my wife was unhappy, and that I’d kept her hostage in our relationship – I was co-dependant. It was February 2007, after appearing on This Morning’s National Sexual Abuse Awareness Week, that I drove back to Scotland knowing I had to set my wife free.

I knew my recovery meant nothing if I didn’t give my wife the opportunity to have a happy life. I cried nearly all the way home, knowing I was going to break up our family.

When I arrived home, after over seven years of marriage, I told my wife that if she wanted to leave me I would support her.

With a huge sigh of relief, James’s four she thanked me, gave me wonderful children a hug, and we agreed to get a divorce. She is now happy in another relationship, and I am really happy for her.

In April 2007, I was invited to Afghanistan to talk to farmers about growing pomegranates and other fruits. Opium for the heroin industry was growing everywhere. My life seemed to flash before me. I had to help these people living in mud houses, with no electricity, water or sanitation and no education. They were a nation persecuted by 35 years of war. The harshness of their existence resonated within me; they were victims of their own circumstances, ostracising themselves through growing opium. How could the world’s largest narco-state ever be accepted by the rest of the world?

While there, I ran into a field of opium farmers and convinced one farmer to grow pomegranates.

The knock-on effect of this brief and dangerous encounter was that I held seven large gatherings in Afghanistan – the largest with 14,000 people, and we destroyed 13 tonnes of drugs. Life has never been the same since.

Ten years ago, I founded a peace-making initiative called Plant for Peace. We work with smallholder farmers in Afghanistan, purchasing their produce to create fruit bars, which we sell in Sainsbury’s and Waitrose. For every bar sold, we plant a tree in Afghanistan. Plant for Peace enables farming communities traumatised by conflict, just like the personal conflict I suffered, to recover and become functional – just like I did.

Plant for Peace has been invited to another nine countries in conflict, and I hope that we can create global demand for millions of smallholder farmers’ produce, creating the largest global social-impact, carbon-offset, peace-making supply chain network in the world.

Driven by my mother, who was so passionate, determined and motivated, Plant for Peace continues to blossom and grow, as I and the smallholder farmers do as well. Peace is a beautiful destiny, and today I travel around the world telling my life story to gain support for Plant for Peace and share my journey of recovery at prisons, psychiatric hospitals, and schools.

Today, I have a great life, married to a beautiful Armenian wife and am father to four children.

I’ve travelled to more than 80 countries, and have been gifted with amazing direction and purpose.

I know a variety of people all over the world, from royal families to heroin addicts, presidents to prison inmates, diplomats to mental health patients, celebrities to slum dwellers, people who are whole and others who are empty.

My life is amazing and I am fortunate enough to realise that what I have been through has made me who I have become, and that I can help change the lives of millions of people around the world. For this I am truly grateful, and the memory of my mother lives on.

Our Expert Says

James’ story is about the spiritual journey of his soul: from flight, to awareness, to inspiration. Via solitude and counselling, he develops an awareness of his past, and discovered more of himself. He is now in touch with his true self and has no choice but to lead an inspired and inspirational life. His journey was tough, but he came out the other end, by finding meaning in supporting and inspiring others.

Mariette Jansen, psycho-educational teacher/ psychological coach

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It’s a Happiful World!

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year to all our readers (we couldn’t have made this magazine without you)

HAPPINESS IS A JOURNEY “It’s good to have an end in mind, but in the end what counts is how you travel” - Orna Ross