Happiful August 2020

THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

Joe Wicks

THE POWER OF THE GREAT OUTDOORS

Tackling taboos

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eart h at

Fatherhood & life lessons with the nation's favourite PE teacher

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il

Refresh your senses & explore the gifts of nature

AUG 2020

Pressing play on menopause

PLUS SAVOUR THE MEMORIES CONQUER COMPARISON TECHNIQUES TO RELAX

Why it's time to invest in yourself How to nurture a healthy sense of identity

Emotional expression

Convey the reality of living with anxiety by painting a metaphorical picture

Call of the wild In the midst of chaos and change, nature offers a welcome retreat into peace and tranquility. And yet, it’s also teeming with life, and opportunities to re-energise your mind and body.

The natural world can be a mirror for the soul, reflecting back what you need most at that very moment.

In this issue, we implore you to embrace the wealth of wellbeing opportunities right outside your door.

While we may have been limited on how much time we could spend outside for a while, as restrictions ease it’s a chance to indulge in the landscape around us.

Albert Einstein once said: “Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.”

With that in mind, we share the Nordic tradition of friluftsliv which explains this notion, along with features on numerous outdoor activities to revitalise your senses and get in tune with your inner self – from wild swimming to earthing.

We also explore the power of a strong sense of identity, and how it can unlock a life of purpose, gratitude, and joy. Plus take a look at an illustrative form of selfexpression as we ask whether tattoos can be therapeutic, and share four metaphors to help you articulate anxiety.

Take time for you this month. Answer nature’s call and fill your lungs with fresh air – and, perhaps, a fresh perspective.

When the world around us might seem scary and unpredictable, be inspired by the pace of nature, and embrace patience. Better days are coming.

Happy reading.

W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

Features 17 Care for a metaphor?

Four images that perfectly capture what anxiety feels like, and how metaphors can help us say what we really mean

42 The green scene

Discover how ecotherapy can be the first step to a healthy mindset

67 Think ink

Could going under the needle and getting a tattoo help us build mental resilience?

73 Joe Wicks

We speak to the man who got the nation exercising about the power of role models

79 Job done

84% of people aren't in their dream job – get your foot on the ladder with these tips

The Uplift 8 In the news 13 The wellbeing wrap

Culture

14 What is friluftsliv?

36 Book smart

What can the Nordic value of spending time outdoors teach us about our wellbeing?

90 Quickfire: MH matters

Lifestyle and Relationships 20 Dear diary...

Columnist Grace Victory explores journaling

Discover the new releases out this month

51 The new normal

Follow these practical tips for managing anxiety about returning to normal

54 Things to do in August

Life Stories 37 Katie: tearing up taboos

What can we learn about happiness and compassion?

When Katie first began perimenopause, she felt ashamed, upset, and confused.

But after learning about the condition, she felt empowered to take back control

30 Ask the experts: work worries

57 Tamara: there for myself

24 Lessons from the Dalai Lama

47 Craft a memory box 64 Robert Douglas

The blogger on fatherhood and BLM

84 Who am I?

What makes us who we are, and how can we develop a strong sense of identity?

More than a decade ago, a road accident shattered Tamara's life. With time, she finally discovered a path that help her heal from the inside out

87 Gian: building happiness

Gian's life was turned upside down when his father was murdered. By reaching out to others, over the years, he found the strength to face the future

Our team EDITORIAL

Rebecca Thair | Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Head Writer Tia Sinden | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer Katie Hoare | Digital Marketing & Content Officer Grace Victory | Columnist Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator Emma Boast | Designer

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus PR Officer alice.greedus@happiful.com

CONTRIBUTORS

Fiona Thomas, Sam Wright, Claire Munnings Jenna Farmer, Vicky Reynal, Natasha Crowe, Ruqsana Begum, Katie Phillips, Tamara Selaman, Gian Power

SPECIAL THANKS

Wellness

Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Beth Collier, Lee Chambers, Paula Coles, Kirsty Hulse, Mark Bailey, Ruth Cooper-Dickson, Rebekah Esdale, Felicity Dwyer, Beverley Hills, Sam Wright, Les Roberts, Belinda Raitt, Penelope Bould, Anne-Marie Alger

26 Tune out

In a world that's full of distractions, how can we benefit from sensory deprivation?

MANAGEMENT

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

33 Understand vaginismus

Understand the psychological condition that can cause painful sex

SUBSCRIPTIONS

For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

60 Beat the bloat 70 Self-hypnosis

Learn how to unlock the power of solo hypnosis

Food & Drink 48 Deliciously Ella

The food writer on pregnancy and the power of slowing down

76 Quick picnic

Easy recipes for taking things al fresco

CONTACT

Happiful Hacks 22 Build digital connections 28 Discover forest bathing 40 Unlock mindful house moves 82 Avoid the comparison trap

Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY

Helping you find the help you need.

Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

Expert Panel One undeniable truth is that finding the right help for each individual is a journey – what works for one of us will be different for someone else. But don't feel disheartened if you haven't found your path yet.

Our Happiful family can help you on your way. Bringing together various arms of support, each of our sister sites focuses on a different method of nourishing your wellbeing – from counselling, to hypnotherapy, nutrition, coaching, and holistic therapy.

Rav's review As human beings, the environment that we place ourselves in is very influential when it comes to sculpting the self, and also our wellbeing. If we extend this to natural environments, we become aware of the remarkable impact that being outdoors and connecting with nature can have on our mental health.

Head over to page 14 to check this out in more detail, and gain insight into how you can integrate nature into your life. The incredible power of nature: harness it, enjoy it – it has great potential to bring positive change into your life.

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Meet the team of experts who have come together to deliver information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue BETH COLLIER

LES ROBERTS

BA MA MBACP

Dip Hyp ISCH GHR

Beth is a nature-allied psychotherapist, supervisor, and tutor.

Les is a clinical hypnotherapist, reiki practitioner, and children and adolescent counsellor.

PAULA COLES

MARK BAILEY

BA MEd (Psych) PGCE BACP

UKCP DC Psych

Paula is a psychotherapist and clinical supervisor with 25 years' experience.

Mark is a psychotherapist, specialising in CBT, DBT, and EMDR.

REBEKAH ESDALE

RUTH COOPER-DICKSON

DipNT RMN mBANT CNHC

MSc MHFA

Rebekah is an integrative health practitioner and nutritional therapist.

Ruth is an accredited positive psychology practitioner and coach.

FELICITY DWYER

BEVERLEY HILLS

MAC MCMI

MA PG Cert Dip MBACP

Felicity is a career change and transitional coach at The Heart of Work.

Beverley is a relationship counsellor and psychotherapist.

SAM WRIGHT

LEE CHAMBERS

BSc ICF ACC ANFT

MSc MBPsS

Sam is a life coach and forest therapy guide creating positive change.

Lee is an environmental psychologist and wellbeing consultant.

RACHEL COFFEY

GRAEME ORR

BA MA NLP Mstr

MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind

Rachel is a life coach encouraging confidence and motivation.

Graeme is a counsellor working with both individuals and couples.

NATASHA CROWE

PENELOPE BOULD

Ad Dip CP Dip Hyp CS MNCS

Reg. MBACP Dip

Natasha is a hypnotherapist and psychotherapist.

Penelope is a sexologist, addictions and general psychotherapist/counsellor.

ANNE-MARIE ALGER

BELINDA RAITT

MA MBACP

MA

Anne-Marie is an integrative psychotherapist based in Heaton, Bolton.

Belinda is a career and business coach, and runs a nature therapy retreat.

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THE MAGAZINE DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH

il

4

d

at

heart

Fatherhood & life lessons with the nation's favourite PE teacher

W

Tackling taboos

ON LY £

Joe Wicks

THE POWER OF THE GREAT OUTDOORS Refresh your senses & explore the gifts of nature

AUG 2020

Pressing play on menopause

PLUS SAVOUR THE MEMORIES CONQUER COMPARISON TECHNIQUES TO RELAX

Emotional expression

How to nurture a healthy sense of identity

Convey the reality of living with anxiety by painting a metaphorical picture 08

9 772514

373000

Cover artwork

by Charlotte Reynell

HAPPIFUL.COM

Why it's time to invest in yourself

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Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We work hard to achieve the highest possible editorial standards, however if you would like to pass on your feedback or have a complaint about Happiful, please email us at feedback@ happiful.com. We do not accept liability for products and/or services offered by third parties. Memiah Limited is a private company limited by shares and registered in England and Wales with company number 05489185 and VAT number GB 920805837. Our registered office address is Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL.

Competitions and prize draws!

Visit happiful.com In light of the Covid-19 social-distancing guidelines, our August issue has been brought together from the Happiful team’s home-office set-ups. Overcoming the distraction of cute Happiful pets, the temptation of WFS (work from sofa), and the unique challenges of video conference calls, we’re proud to bring you our fourth issue created entirely remotely. For as long as we can, we will work tirelessly to continue to offer you the print edition of Happiful, but if anything changes, we will be in touch.

For now, take care, stay safe, and enjoy the read.

Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing. Offer expires 17 September 2020. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com

ART

Museum reimagines portraits – with a lockdown twist

The Uplift

They say a picture’s worth a thousand words, and with its new series of postcards, the Fitzwilliam Museum, at the University of Cambridge, has perfectly captured the spirit and humour of lockdown, as it reimagines well-loved portraits with a 2020 slant.

Like many other establishments, the Fitzwilliam Museum was forced to close its doors to the public in March. In a creative effort to continue to raise funds, artists were brought in to rework some of the collection’s fine art portraits, giving the subjects the masks that many of us are now donning ourselves – each of them personalised to suit the wearer’s outfit.

But for Luke Syson, director at the Fitzwilliam Museum, the portraits are more than just a fundraiser, they’re a reminder of the power of humour in hard times, something that we may have set aside throughout the challenges of the Covid-19 pandemic.

“These doctored versions of some of the Fitz’s great masterpieces wittily reimagine their protagonists as living at this moment,” Luke explains. “What a difference to our understanding of their actions and interactions the addition of a face-cover makes!

“But perhaps they make a serious point too, of how we expect to greet one another with hugs and kisses, and how much changes when that’s not possible,” he adds.

“At least we can still laugh together – that’s not changed. And I hope these might help!’’

Browse the collection at fitzmuseum.cam.ac.uk Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

BLM

Initiative answers the call to diversify curriculums

CHARITY

Non-profit helps people turn worries into wheelies Couple’s lockdown project reaches those in need When we are struggling with our mental health, looking after our physical health can be tough. With that in mind, a new non-profit scheme, created by a couple from Kettering, Northamptonshire, is using the power of cycling to get people back in the saddle.

Worries to Wheelies was created by Mandi Hales and Elliott Cole during the Covid-19 crisis. The scheme lends bikes out in the hope that by getting active, people will see a reduction in stress levels, anxiety, and depression.

Raising funds via Crowdfunder to expand how many people it can support, the scheme receives referrals from local mental health organisations. It aims to never turn away anyone who approaches them.

“We each have the opportunity to touch one another’s lives, and make them better,” Mandi tells Happiful. “Mental health has always been a topic close to my heart, due to my own experiences and those close to me. I want to remind people of their self-worth, through acts of kindness that encourage fitness and adventure.

“We are blown away with how much positivity has risen from Worries to Wheelies,” she adds. “It has taught us that there is so much good in this country, and people really do care about each other.”

What a wheelie great idea! To find out more and show your support, visit worriestowheelies.co.uk Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

Throughout June, people across the globe came together to stand against racism, and ask leaders to reform unfair systems – with the Black Lives Matter movement doing vital work to put important conversations at the forefront.

So how can we keep up the momentum?

So often, education is the first port of call for making real social change, and The Black Curriculum is a social enterprise founded to address the lack of Black British history in the UK curriculum.

By diversifying our school’s curriculums to include a variety of voices and experiences, all students will benefit from reflecting on race relations and some uncomfortable truths about our collective history, helping us to move towards a more open and accepting society.

With a mix of campaigning and teacher training, the initiative hopes to facilitate this change. “We want to help prepare students to become fully-rounded citizens, and ready for an increasingly globalised world,” says its mission statement.

“Through our holistic approach, we aim to remedy a wider systemic issue.”

Through education, in the classroom and beyond, we all have the power to make a difference.

To join the campaign, visit theblackcurriculum.com Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

August 2020 • happiful.com • 9

COMMUNITY

Volunteers use their green fingers for good Getting their hands dirty for charity, the Peebles Community Action Network (CAN), in Scotland, are using their gardening prowess to help feed those in need. Tending to fruit and veg patches (and the needs of others), volunteers are donating freshly grown produce from their community garden to a local food charity.

The Food Foundation is using the generous donations in its mealson-wheels service and, so far, an incredible 100 meals have been delivered to vulnerable members of the community.

Speaking on behalf of the charity, operational manager Yvonne Mclaren said: “We are very lucky to have such fresh ingredients provided on our doorstep, and are really grateful to the people of Peebles CAN for helping us to feed the community.”

Not only are CAN volunteers helping their local community, but they are also helping themselves, too. Research from King’s Fund has shown that gardening truly is the gift that keeps on giving, as it promotes mental wellbeing, reduces depression and anxiety, and improves social functioning.

What better excuse to dust off those trowels and get digging? There has never been a better time to get back to your roots, give back, and grow something new.

Grow your own produce and want to donate? Check with your local food bank to see if they can accept it. Find your local food bank at trusselltrust.org Writing | Kat Nicholls

August 2020 • happiful.com • 11

Take 5

Get those mental cogs in motion and challenge yourself to some puzzling fun

6

9

3

7

6

8

Similar to a normal sudoku grid – but with an added challenge: fill the empty boxes so that the numbers one to nine appear once in each column, row, box, and the shaded diagonals.

3

8 1

1

9

3

6

4

5

3

7 1

1

6 8

3

3 6

Unscramble the letters below to reveal the outdoor activities: 1. Razing stag 3. Drab witching 4. Dimm wilingsw 5. Ingather 6. Aborts hefting

3 5

Anagrams 2. Marbling

7

9 1

7 8

2

4

2 4

Diagonal sudoku

5

How did you do? Search 'freebies' at shop.happifu l.com to find the an swers, and more!

2

The NASA plans to land the first woman on the moon by 2024

Plus NASA to name Washington DC headquarters after its first Black female engineer Mary W Jackson

wellbeing wrap Hole-ly moley

With some news to put a sprinkle in your step, a doughnut company in the Midlands is searching for sweet-toothed taste testers. Project D will send successful volunteers 16 free doughnuts over the course of a month, in exchange for feedback.

Sounds like a dream job, ‘dough-n’t’ you think?

If you’re currently job hunting, perhaps try spellcheck again? A study from Resume.io revealed the 10 most commonly misspelt words in CVs – including ‘initiative’, ‘detail-orientated’ and ‘perfectionist’. As 73% of managers are put off by spelling errors, it could be time for one last proofread.

DO YOU BELIEVE?

Icons | shutterstock.com, Font Awesome: fontawesome.com

Band-Aid is launching a new range of plasters with more inclusive skin tones

Headspace is offering free one-year subscriptions to those furloughed or unemployed due to Covid-19

Music fans rejoice!

Drive-in concerts are planned this summer for safe, sociallydistanced fun

Faith, trust, and pixie dust – well it turns out it takes a little more to convince kids these days of what’s real or not. A study published in PLOS ONE discovered that children are more likely to believe in Father Christmas than ghosts, dragons, or aliens. The study looking into children’s ability to distinguish between real and fictional characters, suggests that kids are convinced by cultural traditions – such as leaving out treats for Santa, or money being left by the tooth fairy.

AS LOCKDOWN MEASURES BEGIN TO EASE, A CAFE IN PARIS HAS FOUND A CREATIVE WAY TO ENFORCE SOCIAL DISTANCING. IT IS PUTTING GIANT TEDDY BEARS ON EVERY SECOND SEAT, MEANING YOU CAN ENJOY A REAL-LIFE TEDDY BEARS’ PICNIC.

RHYTHM OF THE NIGHT

Looking for your next datenight playlist? You might be interested in research by Supplement Place, which reveals the world’s favourite songs for getting in ‘the mood’. Anything by The Weeknd would go down a treat, with 50% of the top 10 songs by him, including ‘Earned It’ and ‘Often’.

Throw in some Jeremih and Trey Songz, and you’ll be hitting all the right notes.

Happinotes

The power of a little kindness should never be underestimated, and with that in mind, counsellor Tanya Wright’s ‘Happinotes’ initiative is sending positive messages to those isolated during Covid-19. Though the project began in 2018, due to an influx of requests in the past months, it now has 50 volunteer writers, and has distributed 4,000 notes to those in need!

Dance it out

Rajeev Gupta, from Manchester, found a novel way to lift spirits during lockdown, by livestreaming his bhangra classes across social media. His intention was simply to support clients during this difficult time, but soon, with people tuning in from around the world, Rajeev had an overwhelmingly positive response, as some shared how the classes had even helped their mental health.

Daddy cool While, undoubtedly, the past few months have been difficult, there is one positive that’s been highlighted in a UK-wide poll by retailer Menkind. It revealed that the worldwide pandemic has actually given 60% of fathers a chance to spend more time with their kids, and a third of responding dads felt that isolation has improved their relationship with their children. It seems that despite the added stress of social restrictions, for many people the time saved by not commuting, and more time with family, has allowed connections to grow.

What is

friluftsliv?

What would happen if we made spending time outside a priority? For many people across the Scandinavian countries, getting in touch with nature is a value that shapes their lives and their wellbeing. So why does it have such a profound effect on our mental health, and how can we incorporate it into our everyday lives?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Illustrating | Rosan Magar

D

o you ever walk outside, take a deep breath, and instantly feel soothed? There’s a gentle breeze hitting your cheeks, the air feels fresh, and you can hear the sounds of the natural world meandering slowly around you.

There’s something special about being outside, and – after months in lockdown – an appreciation for nature is something that a lot of us will be able to relate to at the moment.

You may have taken up a daily walk, strolling through your home town, or wandering off-track into the wilderness. Or perhaps you’ve

14 • happiful.com • April 2020

been able to spend more time in the garden, pottering around or simply sitting back and relaxing.

Whatever it may be, lockdown has taught many of us about the value of spending time outdoors, not just for exercise or for travel, but as an activity that gets to the core of our wellbeing, soothing and invigorating us.

The Norwegians know all about that sentiment. Loosely translated, friluftsliv is the Nordic value of ‘open-air living’. First coined in 1859 by writer Henrik Ibsen, when describing the benefit of spending time in remote natural places, it’s an acknowledgment of the fantastical effect that the outside world can have on our mental health.

Friluftsliv is all about slipping seamlessly into outdoor life, and

today in Sweden, Norway, and Denmark, the values are ingrained in the culture – with Statistics Sweden revealing that one-third of Swedes take part in outdoor activities at least once a week, Scandinavian employers offering incentives for staff to spend time outdoors, and a 2014 study showing that eight in 10 Norwegian adults had been for a hike in the woods or mountains in the previous 12 months.

“Nature has wonderful healthpromoting properties: reducing the stress hormone cortisol, heart rate, depression, anxiety, and frustration – while increasing meditative feelings, love, and

Discover the power of forest bathing Learn about the wellbeing practice that takes us off the beaten path, and inspires us to look inwards, on p28.

empathy,” explains Beth Collier, a nature-allied psychotherapist and ethnographer, who teaches woodland living skills and natural history. “This means that, without having to do anything other than be in the space, we feel calmer, relaxed, uplifted, energised, and rejuvenated, which can lead to a sense of belonging – all conducive to being reflective, in the moment, and feeling emotionally safe.”

This connection with nature is something that Beth can speak to personally, having grown up on a smallholding in Suffolk, where her childhood was consumed with roaming the woods, fens, and fields surrounding her home. For Beth, spending time outside was secondnature, and she’s joined by the 62% of British people who visit nature at least once a week.

At its core, friluftsliv is about taking time to be mindful of the world around us, reflect on the natural habitat that we’re in, and soak in the surroundings – and that’s as much about everyday connections as it is outdoor adventures. Along these lines, for Beth, it was only natural that her work as a psychotherapist and her love of the outdoors would lead her to take her counselling sessions outside.

“Knowing nature’s capacity to positively impact emotional health, I’d therefore question why I’d chosen to be in a room,” reflects Beth. “We can overlook the

importance of our connection to the natural world on our current wellbeing, and within our formative experiences. The state of our relationship with nature will affect our sense of wellbeing, just as the type of relationship we have with parents, siblings, and colleagues will too.

“Nature isn’t just a location but is a co-counsellor, offering reflections and mirrors about our emotional world. Clients often experience the work becoming deeper sooner, and feel more supported in processing uncomfortable feelings.

The therapeutic relationship with nature lasts beyond the work finishing with the human therapist.”

But while an experience with nature can be incredibly profound and therapeutic, you don’t necessarily have to live in the wilderness to harness it. You may swap your morning commute for a bike ride, or use an hour in the evening that you may have usually spent curled up on the sofa, popping out for a short walk.

Friluftsliv captures the profound moments where we feel a strong connection with the world around us – when our lungs are burning from an uphill hike, but also when we open a window and let the summer breeze float into our homes. You may go running, kayaking, and cycling, or foraging, camping, and picnicking. However you do it, in whatever way works for you, there are lessons to be learned and comfort to be found in the great outdoors.

July 2020 • happiful.com • 15

“

Be a person with knowledge, not just opinions – BERNARDINE EVARISTO

M E TA P H O R S FO R A N X I E T Y It’s often difficult to communicate how it really feels to experience anxiety, and tricky for anyone who hasn’t lived it first-hand to grasp the concept. To help bridge that gap, we share four ways to paint a visual and emotional picture...

Writing | Fiona Thomas

T

rying to explain anxiety to friends and family is hard. How do you grasp a whirlwind of emotions and string them into a sentence? And do those words really explain the nuances of how you’re feeling?

They say it’s good to talk, but opening up is often the first

stumbling block in getting the support that we need. If you’re trying to communicate with someone who has never had anxiety issues themselves, it can be even harder. But when used in the right way, language can help you paint a vivid picture, and allow others to get that little bit closer

to understanding your pain. In particular, many therapists say that metaphors are a useful tool for explaining what it feels like to live with anxiety.

W H AT I S A M E TA P H O R ?

A metaphor is a figure of speech that aims to describe one thing >>>

Metaphors evoke visceral feelings through carefully chosen words and phrases by using something else as a point of reference. For example, you might say ‘she’s a real party animal’ to describe your friend who likes to dance and socialise. A writer might describe a summer sky as a ‘blue canvas peppered with marshmallow clouds’. It’s not literally a coloured canvas with sugary treats stuck to the surface, but the metaphor invites you to conjure up the image instantly in your head.

WHY OUR BRAINS L O V E M E TA P H O R S Instead of simply communicating information, metaphors evoke visceral feelings through carefully chosen words and phrases.

One study by the Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience found that “conventional metaphorical expressions are more emotionally evocative than literal expressions”.

When observing brain activity, metaphors relating to taste 18 • happiful.com • August 2020

were found to be particularly effective, and led to activation in areas associated with emotion and the physical act of tasting. For example, describing a person as ‘sweet’ had more impact when compared to the same sentence that used the word ‘kind’.

W H Y M E TA P H O R S A R E H E L P F U L I N A M E N TA L H E A LT H C O N T E X T Creating colourful descriptions might seem like a frivolous activity, reserved for novelists and poets. But metaphors are an integral part of how humans understand complicated concepts. For example, we talk about time in the same way that we talk about money. We talk about spending, saving, stealing, or wasting time, even though it’s not literally possible.

That’s why metaphors can be a powerful tool in the context of mental health. It can be hard to understand what an anxiety disorder feels like if you’ve never experienced it yourself, so people can sometimes lack empathy for their loved ones because they simply don’t understand the concept.

If you find it difficult to explain your anxiety symptoms to those around you, then try using these metaphors. Not only will they help you get your point across more clearly, but they should give the listener an example that will allow them to draw on their own personal experience to get a sense of how you’re feeling.

THE COFFEE CUP First, let’s talk about anxiety in general, and how you can explain the concept as a whole.

I’ll use the coffee cup metaphor, which I learned from environmental psychologist and wellbeing consultant Lee Chambers. Think about your brain and body like a mug, and inside the mug is some coffee, which symbolises your anxiety.

When there’s just a few drops of leftover coffee in the mug, it’s much easier to handle. If you knock it over, you can clean up any mess quickly with a paper towel. But sometimes, the coffee is full to the brim and piping hot. Any minor bump will cause you to spill the entire contents, burn yourself, and create a big stain on the carpet that will need to be professionally cleaned.

This is a good way to explain that for some of us, anxiety is a constant presence and often needs outside assistance. It also illustrates the reason why you react differently one day to the next, depending on how much ‘coffee’ is in your mug, and how much stress you’re under.

THE ROLLERCOASTER Everyone experiences anxiety in some shape or form. It’s a natural response to something scary, like speaking in front of a crowd or taking an important test. But because those feelings are brief, and linked to a specific cause, sometimes people can’t understand how intense it can be to live

THE BROKEN LIFT Having an anxiety attack can make you feel like you’re trapped, even when you’re in a wide-open space, or have the freedom to move around. Compare this to being in a broken lift. The doors are closed, and you’re stuck in a confined space.

You worry that you might die there. You know logically that help is coming, and that eventually the doors will open, but until then you have to wait it out nervously in a confined space with no daylight or fresh air. Use this metaphor, and those close to you might even feel better equipped to comfort you when you’re having an anxiety attack.

in a constant state of fear. Try explaining this heightened state of anxiety by reminding people about how it feels at the highest point of a rollercoaster. Now ask them to remember that intense wave of fear that comes just before they tip over the edge. It’s a stomach-churning sensation that lasts mere seconds, but for people

with chronic anxiety, it can linger for days, or even weeks. This is particularly helpful if people around you say that anxiety is ‘all in your head’, and they aren’t aware of the various physical symptoms.

Because anxious thoughts can appear to be very excitable or use nervous energy, you have to learn to focus your thoughts, and to calm the mind down THE EXCITED PUPPY Positive psychology practitioner Ruth CooperDickson says that many of her clients use a puppy metaphor to explain how anxiety makes it difficult to concentrate.

Imagine a puppy bounding around with endless amounts of energy. They never do as they’re told, and they get easily distracted when something new catches their attention.

“Because anxious thoughts can

appear to be very excitable or use nervous energy,” says Ruth, “you have to learn to focus your thoughts, and to calm the mind down using puppy tricks.” In the context of anxiety, this means drawing on tools like cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) to retrain your thinking patterns.

Fiona Thomas is a freelance writer and author. Her new ebook ‘Out of Office’ is out now, with print copies available from 1 October. Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more.

August 2020 • happiful.com • 19

The power of journaling...wit h

Grace

Whether it’s an emotional outlet, a place to confide in, or somewhere to explore your biggest thoughts, a journal is so much more than just ink and paper. Here, our columnist Grace Victory shares the impact this mindful activity has had on her own self-awareness

I

n 2014, I was in the pursuit of happiness. I knew I was unhappy and constantly stressed, so I began to search for deeper meaning. I remember buying new bed sheets, changing my room around, buying books, and picking up a few notepads from a local store. I used to Google everything – I still do now – and I remember typing into the search engine “how to be happier”.

Obviously, thousands of self-help pages came up, but I clicked on a page that spoke about mindfulness and the teachings of Buddhism.

Back then, mindfulness wasn’t something I was completely ready to delve into. Meditation? Nah. I’ll pass on that. Be in nature? Maybe I’ll try that at a later stage. But then I stumbled across a thing called ‘journaling’ and I decided that hey, that could be for me.

As a young child I used to write poems. Sometimes they would be funny and rhyme, other times they’d be dark, and on the surface wouldn’t make much sense, but looking back, I have always used writing to help me process. To help me feel. To help see things inside of myself.

So, I’m 24, feeling a lot of feelings, on the verge of a break-up, and recognising that I definitely had an eating disorder – but I didn’t look thin, so was it really that much of a problem? Those early-mid 20s were an incredibly lonely time for me – which I think so many of my amazing readers can probably relate to. I was longing to find who I was, but also struggling to access the tools to do so. It was hard, but writing gave me an outlet.

Most nights I’d pick up my notebook, put on some music, and just let the ink flow on the paper.

Songs would sometimes come out too, but a lot of the sentences were full of confusion – and yet also hope. I was a big dreamer, and I really believed I was supposed to have a beautiful life, so my writing often reflected that too. I’d talk to God, or my future husband, sometimes I’d even talk to my past self. At the time, I didn’t know just how powerful this mindfulness technique was, all I knew was that I enjoyed it. My notepads were full of secrets, dreams, wishes, pain, and little pieces of me that I hid from the world, and that I also hid from myself.

JOURNAL PROMPTS • What are you grateful for today?

• What is your inner child asking from you?

• Write 10 non-physical things you like about yourself.

• What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?

• Tell me who you really are.

A few years later I started to use my journal with more intention. I was older, wiser and on a journey of ‘self-exploration’, so my priorities, needs, and wants started to change.

Suddenly I wanted to try every wellness tool, including meditation, that I so blatantly shunned a few years prior. So journaling became my stream of consciousness, and often my unconsciousness, too. I journaled everything, and made a promise to myself that these pages would be brutally honest, and I haven’t looked back since.

I use journaling to reflect on therapy sessions, arguments with my boyfriend, and to process daily

@GRACEFVICTORY

Looking back, I have always used writing to help me process. To help me feel. To help see things inside of myself life. I often journal in the mornings to get out any anxiety I feel about the day ahead, or any feelings I am still holding on to from the previous one.

Journaling is like a best friend, or a mirror. You tell her something, and she will often respond back. I write to no one and everyone, and when I think I don’t have the answer to something, it will form, like magic, on the page in front of me.

Journaling has taught me how to slow down, and how to take a deep breath. It allows me to ponder, scream, cry, and shout.

It allows me to be mean and rude, without hurting anyone, and it’s taught me that thoughts are often fleeting, and we should treat them as such.

For me, journaling is releasing pent up emotions, recognising

triggers, enhancing self-awareness, creating space in one’s mind, and reducing triggers. It can be done anywhere by anyone, and that’s what makes it so powerful.

Love Grace x

How to build digital connections

As more of us than ever are working remotely, it’s natural to miss those social moments with colleagues by the water cooler, bouncing ideas off each other, venting after a long day, or catching up on weekend antics.

But technology is here to help...

T

he sound of my ringtone gives me anxiety. Who dares to call ‘just to talk’?

What’s wrong with a text?

Or a handwritten letter? Anything – and I mean anything – but a phone call, I beg you!

I know I’m not the only one who avoids talking on the phone.

Ofcom revealed that a quarter of people make less than five mobile calls a month, with 6% of people not making any at all. And those who do pick up the phone? Well, two-thirds of them hang up in less than 90 seconds. Those are my kind of people.

Video calls are less stressful, but like the rest of the socially distanced world, I’m a bit overwhelmed with virtual chats these days. They eat into my working day, and feel emotionally exhausting. I’ve got Zoom fatigue, and I think it’s getting worse.

Luckily, I’ve found an alternative.

One that keeps me in contact with the outside world, but doesn’t

Writing | Fiona Thomas

drain my time and energy. May I introduce, the humble voice note.

WHAT ARE VOICE NOTES? Voice notes are recorded messages that can be sent between phone contacts. Instead of typing out a text message, you use the phone microphone to record yourself talking, and send it to the person you’re texting. It’s a function available on most messaging services such as WhatsApp or Facebook Messenger. So what are the benefits?

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT I got hooked on voice notes when I started working from home a few years ago. I was running my own business for the first time, and I missed the emotional support of a traditional work environment.

Being my own boss was great until I had to make decisions, because I had no one to bounce ideas off. Soon, I built up a network of virtual colleagues who were happy

to receive my vocal rants, milliondollar ideas, and general chit-chat, on a daily basis. Most of them sent me voice notes back, and for a lonely freelancer like me, the ongoing digital ping-pong match has been a lifesaver.

SELF-EXPRESSION While the convenience factor of voice notes is debatable – they’re quicker than texting, but not always appropriate for the listener if they’re in public without headphones – they offer so much more nuance than a text message or email. There’s no need for emojis when you can vocally express sarcasm, humour, and empathy. In general, a conversation is considered much more effective (when compared to texting) at conveying genuine love and gratitude. One study found that college students who spent a significant amount of time texting were less satisfied with their relationship than other couples.

ACTIVE AND ENGAGED LISTENING Voice notes are like conversations with a cherry on top. There’s a delay between listening to the audio and responding — and this has a powerful effect on your brain. I spoke to Kirsty Hulse, founder of Roar! Training, to learn more about the neurological benefit of voice notes. She says: “In conversations, we’re listening to the other person rather than generating. Listening to a voice note reduces our cognitive load, because we get the experience of hearing a familiar voice, and feeling that closeness, but we don’t need to consider our response in that moment. That allows us to actively listen. We can truly hear what the person is saying, instead of listening to respond.”

This leads to a deeper connection, something that home workers are craving right now. It makes sense, then, that I feel less isolated when I’m talking — and more importantly, listening — to my mates via voice notes. It also explains why the time delay between responses makes it a much less draining interaction than those on Zoom or FaceTime.

A POSITIVE ALTERNATIVE TO TEXTING Some businesses are using voice notes to communicate orally as opposed to in writing, and dating app users are using voice notes to get to know prospective partners before they meet in real life. As well as being good for emotional connectivity, they are a healthy replacement for screen time.

“The less time spent looking at screens the better,” says Kirsty “because blue light messes with

our melatonin.” Instead of talking to your friends via text, consider recording a voice message instead.

It allows you to avert your gaze from blue light, and take in the world around you.

Of course, voice notes aren’t for everyone. It can be worth asking permission before sending one, because they can make some people panic about replying. If you’ve got social anxiety, or low self-esteem, hearing the sound of your own voice might fill you with dread. Kirsty says: “We’ve

all got our preferred ways of communicating, and that’s OK!” The important thing is to find a way of communicating that works best for you – part of taking care of yourself is ensuring you get the human contact we all need, even when you can’t hang out in person.

So give technology a try, and voice your thoughts.

Kirsty Hulse is a keynote speaker, and founder of Roar! Training. She uses neuroscience to empower teams and support businesses.

The ultimate source of happiness is within us

– DALAI LAMA

‘COMPASSION IS THE RADICALISM OF OUR TIME’ Seeking inspiration and fulfilment? Look no further than the Dalai Lama

Dalai Lama | Instagram @dalailama

Despite modestly describing himself as “a simple Buddist monk”, his holiness the 14th Dalai Lama is the spiritual leader of Tibet, and a Nobel Peace Prize winner.

He’s a big advocate for freedom and peace, with one of his core beliefs, and biggest sentiments, focusing on the importance of compassion in the world – and the difference it can truly make to our lives when we embrace it.

Read: The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World

by Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu (Hutchinson, £14.99) To celebrate the Dalai Lama’s 80th birthday, his friend and fellow spiritual leader Archbishop Desmon Tutu visited for a week, as the two debated one of life’s biggest questions: “How do we find joy in the face of suffering?” Having both overcome adversity throughout their lives, this book from the two Nobel Prize winners explores their own individual stories about joy, along with a look into the science of happiness, and the daily practices from their own lives. But the strongest message that we can live by, is that to find joy ourselves, we need to bring joy to others.

Watch: Compassionate Ethics in Difficult Times, available on YouTube Despite this speech being given at a public talk in New York in 2009, the sentiment and words of wisdom which the Dalai Lama shares seem to resonate even more so in today’s climate. In simple, universal terms, he shares the importance of warm-heartedness in tackling our problems, and how this approach can spread to the community around us. As he says: “A compassionate heart is the key factor for a meaningful life.”

Listen: Inner World by the Dalai Lama As the Dalai Lama says: “Music has the potential to reach many more people with the message that the real source of happiness is warm-heartedness and a concern for others.”

And so in early July, he partnered with Khandro Music to release his debut album, featuring his mantras and teachings set to music. Wisdom and serenity sit in harmony together as you listen to this album, looking to address emotional stress and spread the teachings of the Dalai Lama even further.

Follow: Instagram @dalailama

W H AT I S SENSORY D E P R I VAT I O N? As our hectic lives get ever-more complex, it becomes harder and harder to fully switch off and find inner peace. But there is one sure way to combat overstimulation…

Writing | Fiona Thomas

L

et’s just say that finding a true sense of calm in modern times can be… challenging.

News headlines refresh constantly – a barrage of seemingly urgent information. WhatsApp notifications ping loudly. Little red numbers adorn Instagram and Twitter icons, each one competing for our attention. Try to ignore your inbox, and you’ll be pestered with private messages. To-do lists feel never-ending, while mental notes stack up internally with nowhere to go. Some call it the ‘age of distraction’, and with so many worries and responsibilities, our minds can feel like a noisy pinball machine.

But what if there was a way to dial down the noise? A way to cut yourself off from not just screens and sounds, but from your own thoughts? There is one solution to chronic over-stimulation, that has been growing in popularity in recent years. It’s called sensory deprivation.

26 • happiful.com • August 2020

WHAT IS SENSORY DEPRIVATION? As the name suggests, it involves literally depriving your senses of stimulation. This could be by wearing a blindfold to block out light, or earplugs to create silence.

More advanced techniques involve limiting your senses of smell, taste, and touch. It was made popular in the 1950s by neurologist John C Lilly, who invented a dark, soundproof tank that allowed people to float for long periods in complete sensory isolation.

WHAT IS A FLOTATION TANK? In this specially designed bath, you float in less than a foot of salt water, which is heated to skin temperature. The feeling of weightlessness, silence, and darkness (the tank door is usually closed) induces a deep sense of relaxation. Over-stimulation can lead to heightened feelings of stress and anxiety, but time in the sensory deprivation of a flotation tank can lower your cortisol levels and

Some call it the ‘age of distraction’, and with so many worries and responsibilities, our minds can feel like a noisy pinball machine increase your endorphins, which boosts your mood.

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS? Because sensory deprivation gives you time to think without distraction, it can have a powerful effect on your mental health. Some people even use it to enhance their creativity and improve problem-solving skills.

Flotation tanks are known to significantly reduce anxiety

Time in a flotation tank can lower your cortisol levels and increase your endorphins, which boosts your mood

symptoms and improve your mood after just one 60-minute session.

One flotation tank study looked at people with generalised anxiety disorder and found that symptoms such as depression, sleep difficulties, irritability, and fatigue were reduced.

My friend Jo Love told me about her recent visit to The Pod at Results Body+Mind health and wellness service, in Bath.

“It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced,” said Jo. “I felt both physically and emotionally held. I can’t wait to go back – I’ve booked my husband in for one as well!”

Understandably, some sceptics are concerned about feeling trapped, and safety. The good news is that the sheer volume of Epsom salt in the water means that it’s impossible to do anything other than float.

You can even – and many do – fall asleep safely in the tank. As for the closed door, most people get used to it within a few minutes because it’s just so relaxing. But open-door tanks are available in some spas.

One key benefit of sensory deprivation is that it works in a similar way to meditation. If you’ve ever struggled to let your mind go blank, then employing sensory deprivation techniques might help. Some people have reported a feeling of inner peace, a sense of euphoria, and in some cases, spiritual experiences.

ASSOCIATED RISKS I asked psychotherapist Paula Coles about the negative effects of sensory deprivation and she explained: “On one end of the continuum there may be extreme relaxation, but on the other, there is the possibility of an increase in anxiety, and even disturbance or hallucinations.”

She also pointed out that meditation isn’t necessarily helpful for individuals who might find themselves stuck in ‘fight-or-flight’ mode as a result of past traumatic experiences. For this reason, she advises (in line with current National Institute for Health and Care Excellence guidelines) that individuals with social anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or complex trauma, should only approach sensory work and meditation with the help of an accredited professional. But if you

AT HOME RELAXATION Installing a flotation tank at home is expensive, but you can book hourly sessions at spas across the country. However, most people can manage minor stress by learning to manipulate their senses without the need for a flotation tank.

Here are Paula Coles’s tips on using elements of sensory deprivation to manage stress: 1. Take in a nice view while wearing noise-cancelling headphones. This allows you to really luxuriate in the visual aspect without distractions.

2. Create a safe space in your bedroom by removing things that trigger stress. It could be the sight of your work clothes, or the sound of a clock ticking.

Calm your senses as much as possible.

3. Lie down in a dark room and put on an eye mask to minimise distractions. Breathe deeply and notice all the sounds that you hear.

4. If at any point you feel uncomfortable, stop.

feel mentally well, then a sensory deprivation experience could be just the cure for your overactive mind.

Fiona Thomas is a freelance writer and author. Her new ebook ‘Out of Office’ is out now, with print copies available from 1 October. Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more.

August 2020 • happiful.com • 27

Five surprising things you’ll experience while forest bathing Forest bathing is the practice of immersing yourself in nature, being quiet and still amongst trees, or moving without intention through the foliage.

Done alone or with a guide, it’s thought to have fruitful mental health benefits, as well as some surprising, self-reflective lessons ripe for the picking Writing | Sam Wright Illustrating | Rosan Magar

W

e instinctively know that getting outside can make us feel better, even if we only have a few minutes a day. Forest bathing is a way of deepening our connection with nature, it’s shown to have widespread benefits for health and wellbeing, and has grown as an antidote to the stresses of modern-day living.

It’s essentially the practice of slowing down and immersing ourselves in our natural surroundings – something that we can all do, no matter whether it’s in a forest, a park, or even a treelined street.

In the presence of Covid-19 and beyond, our bond with nature will continue to play an important role in healing and sustaining wellbeing. If you’re thinking about developing your relationship with nature and joining a guided forest bathing experience for the first time, you may encounter some surprising benefits...

1. SLOWING IT DOWN One of the first things you’ll notice is the slow pace of forest bathing. It’s not a hike, or even a walk with a destination, it’s about pausing to fully immerse yourself in nature. We’re so used to living life at a frantic pace, it can be challenging to decelerate. That’s why a forest guide will spend time easing participants through that transition, so you can gradually adjust to the pace of the natural environment. When you learn how to pause, it helps switch your nervous system from fight-or-flight to rest-and-digest mode, which allows for relaxation and healing.

2. HEIGHTENED SENSES With each invitation from the guide to take in more of your surroundings, your senses become awakened to the sights, sounds, touches, smells, and even tastes around you. We’re accustomed to filtering out our senses, so many people are surprised by the intensity they experience once they’ve allowed themselves to be fully immersed. For example, you might begin to notice the faintest rustle of the trees, an insect sheltering in the curls of a leaf, the smoothness of a pebble, or the earthy flavour of woodland fruit.

Things we normally miss or ignore, become more visible and potent.

3. FEELING OF PRESENCE When we become more aware of our senses and respond to them immediately, we adjust into a different state of being that’s alive

to the present moment. It can be an enlightening experience when we start to notice new physical and emotional sensations – an embodiment of a deeper sense of awareness where we remember we’re part of nature, rather than separate from it. Nature has an amazing capacity to take us out of our default settings and reawaken thoughts, associations and memories, which is why forest bathing is a unique and deeply personal experience for everyone.

4. AWAKENED CURIOSITY Forest bathing encourages us to be curious, and reconnect with our ability to freely explore and play in nature. It depends on the emotion and energy you experience at the time, but you might be drawn to walking barefoot, creating a pattern with twigs, or simply lying under a tree to watch it swaying in the breeze. As adults, seldom do we have an opportunity to allow that natural childlike curiosity to lead us somewhere and express ourselves. It can be a liberating feeling that can lighten the burden of worry, stress, pain, or trauma.

5. BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS Far from a solitary experience, forest bathing can spark powerful connections and relationships with the guide, others, and the forest itself. In small group experiences, people come together to share reflections if they wish to,

As adults, seldom do we have an opportunity to allow that natural childlike curiosity to lead us somewhere and express ourselves which creates a trusting bond that encourages bravery and openness.

Even when it’s just an individual and the forest, people often feel a sense of reciprocal connection and communication. Many express a sense of falling back in love with nature, deeper gratitude, and a compulsion to protect the forest and the wider natural world.

Forest bathing is open to everyone.

You don’t need to have any particular fitness or knowledge of nature, and there are even virtual experiences you can do at home. I invite you to start building a deeper connection with your natural surroundings – you might be surprised what that brings for you.

Sam Wright is an ACC coach and certified forest therapy guide. Visit naturaledgecoachinguk.co.uk to learn more about her work.

Ask the experts Belinda Raitt answers your questions on working during the pandemic Read more about Belinda on lifecoach-directory.org.uk

Q

I’ve been made redundant and am feeling lost.

What are some next steps I can take?

A

Redundancy can feel hugely unsettling. Any change in our lives requires adjustment, and we tend to attach a lot of meaning to

Q

I’ve realised during lockdown that I’m unhappy in my job, and want to launch my own business – but I’m scared to make the jump. Do you have any advice?

A

Go for it! Life is too short to be unhappy in your job. The Japanese have a concept called

our work. We often use it to define who we are, so when we no longer have a job, we can struggle with a sense of identity, along with worries about whether we have enough savings to keep us going.

These concerns often make us jump into the first job that comes along, regardless of whether it’s the right fit. Treat

this pause as an opportunity to explore what you really want and need from your work (and life!). Be kind to yourself. We make better decisions when we’re in a good place, so take time to relax and focus on your health (mental and physical) so that you stay positive and focused.

ikigai, which roughly translates as your sense of purpose, and what gets you out of bed in the morning. For them, it’s a way of life, and to not feel a sense of enjoyment and purpose in your work is unacceptable.

If you have a chance to do something that gives you this sense of purpose, do it! Change is scary – it’s the fear of the unknown – but experience shows that our

brains imagine scenarios far worse than reality. Do your market research, don’t be afraid to ask for advice from friends or others in the industry.

Also, trust your instincts. A business plan helps to work out cash flow and where the money will come from.

A business is more likely to succeed if you can be flexible enough to adapt to changing circumstances.

Life Coach Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Top tips for those feeling lost in their career right now: 1. Don’t be afraid of change.

It’s the path to better times ahead. If it’s feeling overwhelming, just take it one small step at a time, until you are where you want to be.

2. Spend some time thinking about what you really enjoy. Draw up a list of what you love doing (your values and motivators), what you are good at (your strengths), and what you can get paid for (your experience/skill set).

3. Enlist the help of a career coach who will help you to work out what’s important to you, and how to go about finding work that gives you a sense of purpose.

Q

I’m working from home and am struggling to maintain my boundaries between work and life – what can I do?

A

It’s important to stick to a routine when you’re working from home, and to keep a separation between your working day and time to yourself. Treat your working days as you would normally do.

Get up at the same time, put work clothes on. Stop for lunch, and take time to get some fresh air and clear your head.

If you have the space to set up your online office in a different room, this helps to maintain the boundary, too. At the end of your day, close the door to your office space, mentally and physically. Be clear with others that you are not available to answer emails or calls after hours, and be firm with yourself about ignoring emails or calls until the following morning!

“

A change is brought about because ordinary people do extraordinary things – BARACK OBAMA

Photography | Kate Mes7

What is

vaginismus?

It’s an intimate condition that causes pain, embarrassment, relationship problems, can ruin your sex life – and often goes undiagnosed, too. But do not despair, as around eight out of 10 of those afflicted can benefit from therapy and treatment Writing | Fiona Thomas

S

exual relationships in the modern world are complicated. On the surface, it seems like we’re hooking up more than ever. Everyone is swiping right and captivated by Love Islandesque romance. But statistics show that British adults are having less sex now than in previous years.

As our stress levels rise and our libidos lower, connecting physically with your partner can sometimes feel like an obligation

instead of an act of love. For some people though, sex is a scary prospect because it’s a source of physical discomfort. In fact, one in 10 women in the UK experience pain during sex, and many others are suspected to have a condition called vaginismus, which regularly goes undiagnosed.

WHAT IS VAGINISMUS? It occurs when muscles in the vagina contract in anticipation of pain. Those affected by vaginismus >>> August 2020 • happiful.com • 33

describe it as a burning or stinging sensation. Some people first become aware of it when they try to use a tampon, and say it feels like ‘hitting a wall’ inside their vagina. For others, it may be during penetrative sex, or while having a pelvic examination. Either way, it makes entry painful, and often impossible.

Living with the condition can cause embarrassment and relationship problems, due to avoidance or lack of sexual intimacy. Sweeping the problem under the carpet can have a ripple effect, and lead to feelings of shame, isolation, and low self-esteem.

WHO IS AFFECTED? The true number of vaginismus sufferers is immeasurable because there is so much stigma around the condition. Ignoring the problem can put pressure on your romantic relationships, and you may avoid sexual intercourse altogether. Even for those who choose not to have penetrative sex, it can be a barrier to important medical examinations.

Experienced sexologist and psychotherapist Penelope Bould says that the condition is an unconscious reaction and is no one’s fault. “It involves involuntary muscular spasm, so your vagina is a no-entry zone sometimes, or all the time.”

WHAT CAUSES IT? The cause of vaginismus is often psychological, and is commonly linked to trauma, depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder. According to Penelope: “Fear is often at the heart of vaginismus.”

34 • happiful.com • August 2020

This could be a result of childhood abuse, harmful sexual acts, or a coercive relationship.

Traumatic childbirth or apprehension around pregnancy can also be to blame, as can genital surgery or radiotherapy.

You may be unable to remember exactly what triggered the fear itself, yet your body still has a physical reaction to penetration.

It can also come and go, meaning that you may only have a physical reaction in some situations, or with particular people. At other times, penetration is achieved painlessly.

CAN IT BE TREATED? Before vaginismus can be diagnosed, medical tests and an examination are recommended in order to rule out any physical conditions which could be responsible for the pain.

Understandably, the mere thought of this can cause more anxiety than the condition itself.

Penelope suggests enlisting the help of a trusted friend or support worker to have in the room to ease any emotional distress. You could also ask to record your visit to your GP or gynaecologist if you’re worried that your heightened anxiety might mean that you miss important information. That way, all you have to do is focus on staying calm, as you can return to the recording later on.

Once diagnosed, a fully trained psychotherapist will explore your history in a constructive and supportive way, and provide a range of techniques to suit your needs. Many of these can be used at home and may involve physical

Sweeping the problem under the carpet can have a ripple effect, and lead to feelings of shame, isolation, and low self-esteem exercises, medication, positive statements, mindfulness, and relaxation techniques.

• Primary vaginismus is when putting anything inside your vagina has never been possible.

• Secondary vaginismus is when it occurs at any time later in life.

• Vaginismus can also be an issue for someone who was born intersex, or who has experienced Gender reassignment surgery. For people who have had a vagionplasty, it is very important to have a physical maintenance regimen, in addition to any therapy.

Penelope Bould

If you feel anxious about intercourse, then the thought of psychosexual therapy may terrify you even more, but it’s helpful to remember that there is nothing physically intimate about the treatment.

“Later in the treatment, clients are instructed how to gently use some small devices at home, starting

with a really small one, at your own pace,” says Penelope, “to be used in conjunction with the therapy and special exercises and statements.”

Many therapists recommend couple psychosexual therapy if you’re in a relationship, as this can give your partner space to talk.

It may also flag up any abusive

behaviour that may be contributing to your condition.

The good news is that clinical trials have found that 80% of people receiving treatment for vaginismus see the benefits. Recovery time can vary, and while some people needed up to six months of treatment, others achieved pain-free intercourse in as little as five weeks.

August 2020 • happiful.com • 35

Happiful reads…

From discovering your power, to learning to love yourself, we share four of this month’s unmissable new releases Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

D

epicting the tension between mothers and daughters, secondgeneration immigrants and first-generation cultural expectations, and Black identity in a predominantly white society, Zalika Reid-Benta’s debut novel creates an unforgettable picture of growing up between worlds.

Told through 12 interconnected stories, Frying Plantain follows protagonist Kara from girlhood to adulthood.

Set in Toronto’s Little Jamaica, we follow along from elementary

school to high school graduation, as Kara tries to navigate her Canadian nationality and her desire to be a ‘true’ Jamaican.

Showing one girl’s experiences of feeling caught in the middle, we see how Kara strives to walk the tightrope between being seen as too bold or too soft, too noisey or too quiet. Highlighting how a single moment can change a friendship and love to enmity and hate, well-meaning protection into control, and teasing into something that’s much darker.

Frying Plantain

by Zalika Reid-Benta Out 13 August

Tackling big issues including race, class, and identity, these interlinked stories share a strong emphasis on the intergenerational relationships – and pressures – many can feel.

Zalika’s debut novel really is set to be a modern classic.

Must reads A Dutiful Boy

by Mohsin Zaidi Out 20 August An emotional coming of age memoir all about growing up queer in a strict Muslim household, author Mohsin shares his journey towards acceptance. From growing up poor in east London, to attending Oxford University, Mohsin’s inspiring story highlights how we must break through life’s barriers.

Unbound

by Kasia Urbaniak Out 13 August Offering lessons on influence, persuasion, and power, to help women become creators of the world they want, Unbound is part manual, part manifesto. With author Kasia’s own experiences of studying to become a Taoist nun for 17 years while working as a dominatrix in New York, discover how to cut through self-doubt to begin living your wildest dreams.

A Table for Friends by Skye McAlpine Out now A beautiful new recipe book celebrating the joys of cooking, A Table for Friends shares the simple joy of eating with loved ones – whether that’s cooking for two or 20. With more than 100 simple but inviting recipes for last-minute dinners to large celebrations, this approachable cookbook has everything to inspire you in the kitchen.

TRUE LIFE

Breaking the taboo of menopause

When Katie found herself experiencing perimenopause, it brought up a lot of difficult feelings and questions – including what even is it?

She realised we are conditioned to feel negativity around this event, but decided she would take back control and feel empowered at every stage of life

I

Writing | Katie Phillips

n 2018, I discovered I was perimenopausal.

The glitch? I was 43.

At the time, I was experiencing a myriad of physical ailments and discomforts – painful acne, horrific night sweats, mood swings, brain fog, a lack of inspiration, super heavy and irregular periods, tiredness, and a frighteningly low mood, which was starting to feel like depression.

This fluctuating and generally low mood was the toughest thing to deal with, and seemed to come out of nowhere. It never occurred to me that perhaps all of my ‘issues’ were linked, until some friends who said (I initially thought jokingly): “Perhaps you’re in perimenopause?”

I felt overwhelmed. How could this be happening?

Surely menopause was something that began after turning 50? It wasn’t on my radar at all, and I’d never even heard the term, ‘perimenopause’.

For those who are also unaware, perimenopause is the time leading up to menopause, when your hormone levels start to shift. That period of time can be anything from a few months to several years. Eventually your periods will stop, and once you’ve not menstruated for a full 12 months, you have officially reached menopause.

My conditioning led to me believing that menopause was a horrible nightmare, and my initial

response was to start feeling undesirable, old, and on a downhill slope – all of which heightened my symptoms, and I felt even worse. But as a transformational self-love coach, author and speaker, it occurred to me that I wasn’t responding in a conscious, empowered, or masterful way to a very natural part of life.

While conversations around puberty, periods, and giving birth have become more socially acceptable, menopause is still surrounded in secrecy.

Why did it feel so shameful and disempowering to realise I was reaching this phase of my womanhood?

I decided to make my experience of menopause positive and life-affirming.

I wasn’t going to allow my conditioning to create my experience. I intended to get back in the driver’s seat.

I felt a similar empowerment when I left my corporate career and trained in transformational coaching about 11 years ago, after a major wake-up call (AKA a breakdown) at the age of 35. A lifechanging healing journey awakened me to the realisation that I was self-sabotaging every area of my life due to conditioning that I wasn’t enough. I learned a new way of living, where I got to choose thoughts and beliefs that supported me in having the life I desired.

I learned to love myself, and I now help other women to do the same. >>> August 2020 • happiful.com • 37

It occurred to me that I wasn’t responding in a conscious, empowered, or masterful way to a very natural part of life As I contemplated how I’d approach menopause more positively, I thought about my mum. They say a woman’s experience of perimenopause can often be similar to her mum’s, and as I thought this through, I was horrified to realise that when my mum took her own life she was 49. She would have been in perimenopause.

Mum always had a propensity towards feeling sad and withdrawn. I sensed her low moods from a very early age, but I only recently discovered that she tried to overdose around 1975. She had postnatal depression (PND), although it was never formally diagnosed, because in the early 70s PND wasn’t as understood as it is today.

Sadly, this seems to be a theme in mum’s life – unnecessary suffering 38 • happiful.com • August 2020

because the mental health issue she was dealing with wasn’t yet understood or properly supported.

During her early 40s, I remember mum experiencing hot flashes, which she laughed away. Mostly, however, I remember her moods being particularly challenging. She seemed more withdrawn than usual, she would anger easily, and seemed really sensitive. I felt on eggshells around her.

I put her low mood down to the traumatic divorce she’d recently gone through with my dad. Her whole life had turned on its head, and it was a terribly difficult time. Mum was going through a major life overhaul at the same time as her hormones were clearly fluctuating.

In 1991, at the age of 43, my mum attempted suicide. It was blamed on the divorce, and she was diagnosed as clinically depressed.

Mum was prescribed antidepressants and therapy, based on her diagnosis of depression. I never heard any mention of perimenopause.

Hormonal shifts were never discussed.

She began another relationship shortly after her suicide attempt, and it seemed to be an optimistic new beginning. Sadly, that relationship ended five years later.

I remember the day mum killed herself very clearly.

I was the last person to speak with her.

It was 1996. I was a 22-year-old advertising exec, newly in love, with the world at my feet. I was about to finish work for

the day, and thought to call to check-in with her, as she had been having a rough time. She still lived in the same house as her ex, but in separate bedrooms while they waited for it to be sold. She had taken to locking herself in her room at about 5pm, to avoid any interaction with her ex when he returned from work.

When we spoke she was in tears. Life seemed so hard for her in that moment, and she was feeling incredibly defeated. Her speech was slurring, and when I queried why, she assured me she had just taken her medication, which made her drowsy, so she was going to go to sleep early.

It turned out that she had overdosed. She died that night, completely alone, and was found 24 hours later.

Katie’s ‘My Menopause – An Interview Series’ is a free resource, intended to empower you with awareness, practical tips, and alternative ways of thinking about menopause. Visit theschoolofself.love/my-menopause

I feel very strongly that her experience could have been avoided if menopause was better understood, and not seen as something to be ashamed of.

Depression, anxiety, and mood swings are common in perimenopause, and from my personal experience it’s a scary and lonely place to be when you don’t understand why you suddenly feel so low.

Information, as they say, is power, and while I had no clue what was going on in my body, I felt worse every day. I can see now that this would have been my mum’s experience – it’s even been reported that 50–54 is the age group with the highest suicide rate for women in the UK. The average age of menopause is 51.

The day I decided I would own the natural shifts in

This time of life has the potential to be the most empowering rite of passage.

It’s also an opportunity for a woman to know and love herself my body and not give in to societal conditioning, I started to reach out to experts for information.

I lined up 18 experts to interview, as I wanted the best advice, and to make it publicly available to help others as a way of honouring my mum.

I’ve come to discover that this time of life has the potential to be the most empowering rite of passage. It’s also an opportunity for a woman

to know and love herself, because her body is literally asking her to finally put herself first, in order to experience her hormonal shifts with ease.

I’m pleased to report that my experience of perimenopause has shifted dramatically! Awareness, education, expert support, some simple dietary and exercise shifts, plus a new supplement regime, have me feeling so much better.

I am finding my own way to

navigate perimenopause, and I am keen for others to find their way, too.

Self-love is selfresponsibility, and I am passionate about inviting women to take the time to get educated about this very natural stage of life.

I can’t bear the idea of a woman going through what my mum did – in this day and age, that is utterly unnecessary.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Katie’s true story brings sadness but, even more so, a strong dose of inspiration.

Katie’s determination to explore menopause allowed her to come to terms with a difficult life change that affects so many people, which, in turn, helped her maintain her own wellbeing. Katie’s empowerment throughout this process is evident, and it’s not only making a positive difference on a personal level, but for others too!

Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred) Counsellor and psychotherapist

August 2020 • happiful.com • 39

How to move house, mindfully Moving house can be a massive life-change, and may bring up a whole raft of emotions – not to mention the stress involved. But if you’re facing an upheaval, and feeling daunted or overwhelmed, know that you don’t have to face it alone.

Here, a psychodynamic psychotherapist shares her advice to help your move through the physical and emotional changes Writing | Vicky Reynal

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nyone who has been through a house move knows how stressful it can be. For the most part, a move can be an exciting

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

new beginning, but sometimes experiences that we haven’t dealt with can hold us back, and prevent us from really enjoying it.

Having been through a dozen moves myself, and working as a psychotherapist with many expat clients, I’m curious about what makes them so difficult?

There are those who had to cope with a lot of uncertainty growing up, so the unknowns that come with moving evoke early insecurities, and create a sense of unease. What will my new boss think of me? Why can’t I get along with this new co-worker? There can be insecurities about performance, belonging, trust… Or others who felt they never belonged in their family/school/social groups, and moving to a new place triggers fears of not fitting in. And with moves come goodbyes, which can be particularly hard to deal with.

Moves can also put a stress on present relationships. People have different approaches and coping strategies when it comes to dealing with change, and as these emerge people can find that they clash.

So how can it be a less stressful life event, and what should you do if it’s still hard to manage?

OK, but emotionally you’re feeling vulnerable (worried, lonely, overwhelmed), and it’s helpful to talk about it. With partners involved in the move, it’s beneficial to simply speak about the realities of the situation, and how each of you are experiencing the change.

BE PREPARED AND MAKE A PLAN The reality of moving is that there’s a lot that needs doing, and a bit of planning can help reassure you that you’ve set time aside for everything. Some people find ‘todo’ lists particularly helpful in keeping them organised, and feeling that they’re in control.

SET REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS Don’t demand the impossible from yourself. Aim for a realistic amount of tasks to be completed each day leading up to the move.

Give yourself time to complete the tasks, and recruit appropriate help for completing them. If possible, take a few days off work, as you’ll find that you never have ‘too much’ free time when a moving date approaches.

FOCUS ON THE ENDGAME When you begin to feel overwhelmed by it all, take time to remind yourself of what you’re gaining from this move: is it a bigger space? A promotion? Are you moving to a new place you’re excited about? Basically, remind yourself that the difficulties of today will be worth the effort in the end.

SEE THE NEW BEGINNING AS AN OPPORTUNITY If you haven’t had good experiences with moves in the past, and it’s hard to stay positive about the situation, remember that history need not repeat itself – part of what happens is in your hands, so you can decide how

this next phase of your life will evolve. How can you set things up to be more successful this time?

How can you learn from your past experiences?

RELY ON YOUR SUPPORT NETWORK If you’re struggling, say so. It’s common, when family and friends ask how it’s going, to be tempted to reply that it’s all “fine”. Usually people give this response in an effort not to worry others, or maybe as a defence against recognising that it’s harder than expected. Or maybe on the surface, the actual move is going

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF I’ve often seen parents focusing their attention on how the move is going for their children, but neglecting their own feelings, or people who just ‘power through’ by bottling up a lot of emotions, until they become unmanageable. But if the past is holding you back, or you just need to speak to someone detached from the situation, perhaps consider seeking extra support in this difficult time of transition and change.

If we’re not in touch with how we are experiencing things, if we don’t reflect on our experiences, then we aren’t just protecting ourselves from the pain, we are missing out on all the excitement. So in a move too, there will be anxieties and challenges as well as hopes and surprises. It is by managing the former that we get to enjoy the process and the endgame.

Vicky Reynal works as a psychodynamic psychotherapist in her private practice in London. She has experience with a wide range of cultures and challenges, having lived in nine different countries, and has helped clients struggling with a variety of issues, including self-esteem, relationship and sexual difficulties, depression, trauma, and self-harm.

August 2020 • happiful.com • 41

Seeing green Forget hi-tech fitness trackers, jumping on the next inaccessible wellness trend, or NutriBulleting the contents of your fridge, the key to ultimate wellbeing could be as simple as stepping outside Writing | Claire Munnings

N

Artwork | Charlotte Reynell

owadays, self-care is big business. According to the Global Wellness Institute, the wellbeing industry was worth an estimated £3.4 trillion in 2018 – and it will have only grown since then. But do we really need all the latest ‘must-buys’ in order to feel better in ourselves? Could, in fact, the answer to a healthier and happier life be simply lying outside our front door?

Experts such as Lee Chambers, an environmental psychologist and wellbeing consultant, certainly think so. For Lee, nature is an essential part of human wellbeing, and something that can support us in numerous ways. “Staying in-touch with the great outdoors improves our wellbeing, both physiologically and psychologically, and the benefits are well-researched,” he explains.

This is not necessarily groundbreaking news – and it’s something we’re probably all well aware of – but do we really appreciate all that nature can do for us?

“Ecotherapy has shown to be an effective treatment for some people living with mild to moderate depression, and when surveyed people report higher mood levels, more motivation and vigour, after exposure to nature,” Lee says of its happiness-boosting effects. “There is evidence to suggest that walking in nature promotes higher concentration, higher performance, and increased creativity, and the University of Kansas even found that it can increase our ability to solve problems, too.”

And that’s not all. “There is a raft of other benefits, such as sunlight, and its effect on our serotonin, circadian rhythms, and vitamin D production,” Lee adds. “Outdoor activity gets our blood flowing, improves our cardiovascular system, and helps us benefit from the neurological processes of exercising. On another note, it awakens our senses, and fills us with the clarity that we need in the busy modern world. We often feel more grateful when we are in the full sensory experience of

nature, and we connect with the idea of being part of something much larger when we stand beside a great oak.”

It certainly seems that recent events have made a number of us reassess our relationship with nature – perhaps thanks to the sense of gratitude Lee mentions. When lockdown was at its strictest and we only had one opportunity to get outside to exercise each day, being in the fresh air felt like a welcome relief – and not something to take for granted. Suddenly many of us were awakened once again to the wonder of the outdoors, and the importance of our countryside.

Whether these feelings will last or not is another question, but either way this can be seen as a welcome move away from previous attitudes.

The past few years have seen stark warnings from experts about the disastrous impact that nature deficit disorder (a feeling of being alienated from the great outdoors) could be having on our behavior and overall wellbeing. And, with data suggesting that the average >>>

us using them through exploiting our psychological hooks, many of us are spending more time in urban and indoor environments than ever before. We also have the speed of life, which generally means many people put getting outside to the back of their queue of things to do.”

Luckily, it doesn’t have to be difficult to enjoy the green environment around us. Whether it’s a quick walk through a local park, stepping on to the grass barefoot, or even feeling droplets of rain fall on our face, getting out in the fresh air can give us the boost we need. And the best news? Recent research shows that we need less than 20 minutes a day to reap the benefits. Try these great nature-inspired activities and breathe in the goodness of the world around you.

Outdoor activity awakens our senses, and fills us with the clarity that we need in the busy modern world Brit spends up to 90% of their time indoors, it’s little wonder we can sometimes feel disconnected from what’s outside our four walls.

As Lee explains, a lot of us have been guilty of ignoring the beauty of the world around us. “It’s a

complex issue that is especially prevalent for our younger generation,” he says. “The benefits of nature are, generally speaking, not valued in western culture. And as most of the technology devices we have today are designed to keep

GAZE UPWARDS How often do you look up? Many of us spend our days walking with our heads down, or having our eyes focused on our phones, but observing the sky – both in the day or at night – can bring plenty of enjoyment. A recent study

by Coventry University found that stargazing helps promote various aspects of wellbeing through the idea of fascination, and other work, conducted by the University of California, Irvine, has revealed that a sense of awe – something often associated with sky and stargazing – can make us more selfless and considerate of others. Have fun cloud watching, or stand outside on a clear night and see what constellations you can spot.

BASED IN THE CITY? There are still plenty of ways to get a hit of nature. Lee Chambers shares his top tips…

A sense of awe – often associated with sky and stargazing – can make us more selfless and considerate of others IMMERSE YOURSELF IN FOREST BATHING The Japanese practice of shinrinyoku (literally translated as forest bath) has gained much traction in recent years. Developed in the 1980s, it was incorporated into the Japanese government’s health programme soon after, as countless pieces of research highlighted its benefits. It involves using all your senses to connect with the space around you while walking through a forest or wood. Supporters of the practice believe it can help guard against certain conditions, as well as reduce anxiety and stress, and boost the immune system.

Walk slowly and aimlessly in a tree-studded area to enjoy the benefits, and savour the sounds, smells, and sights around you.

DIVE INTO A WILD SWIM Like to dip your toes in the water? Wild swimming has been growing in popularity as people enjoy the invigorating sense of freedom it brings. Swimming is known to be great for your mental and physical health – throw in a beautiful setting and the benefits grow further. There have been numerous studies that show immersing yourself in cold water can boost your happy hormones, reduce your levels of

stress hormones, and even help lower inflammation in the body.

Discover a new side to your local rivers and lakes by donning a wetsuit and jumping in.

GROUND YOURSELF Also known as earthing, this practice simply involves standing barefoot or touching the natural environment around us. Gwyneth Paltrow, and followers of her website, ‘goop’, are among the proponents of it, and although the idea that it allows you to benefit from the earth’s electric charge may sound a little wacky, research does indicate its benefits. In fact, a study published in the Journal of Environmental and Public Health suggests that earthing can help reduce stress, aid sleep, lower inflammation, and more. Step out on the grass with no shoes on, sink your hands into the soil, or run your fingers up and down an old tree trunk.

SPOT THE BIRDIE Think bird watching is just for the older generation? Think again.

Identifying birds in your garden, watching them in flight, or while building a nest, is calming and restorative – and certainly not reserved solely for the retired. In fact, #birdwatching has a massive 4.7 million posts on Instagram, and there’s an increasing number of apps dedicated to helping twitchers of all ages track what they see. Research by the University of Surrey has even found that listening to birdsong could be better at relaxing us than using an app to meditate. Time to dig out the binoculars?

Look up: Even if you’re surrounded by skyscrapers, the sky is an inescapable piece of nature that is ever-moving. Take off your headphones, put your phone away, and turn your gaze up to feel the world around you.

Create a garden sanctuary: Plants are regenerative to our wellbeing. If you’re short on space, creating your own micro-farm or herb garden on your windowsill can bring great satisfaction, as well as exposure to mycobacterium vaccae, which stimulates serotonin production and makes us happier.

Get out and about: Plan trips to gardens, woodland, and nature centres when it’s safe to do so. Be grateful for being able to access these, and enjoy the benefits of being close to nature.

Watch nature documentaries: It might not be quite the same as seeing animals in their real habitats, but research by the University of California, Berkley and BBC Earth has revealed that watching nature documentaries can have a positive effect on our mental health.

Claire Munnings is a health and wellbeing journalist. She enjoys writing about how we can live more mindfully and introduce joy into our days.

Lee Chambers is an environmental psychologist, life coach, and wellbeing consultant, whose work aims to help people reach their full potential. Find out more at essentialise.co.uk

“

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world

– ANNE FRANK

Photography | Raphael Nast

One to remember Five tips for creating a truly personal memory box

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Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

WHAT QUIRKY AND SPECIAL THINGS ARE HAPPIFUL READERS SAVING? “Boarding passes from our Australia trip!”

– Alex “I have a memory box from 2001, when my daughter had heart surgery abroad. I still haven’t dared to open it yet. It contains a lock of hair, baby ECG leads, a tiny wristband, cards, photos, and a daily diary from one of the most challenging times of my life. Maybe I’ll be brave enough to open it one day. Very bittersweet times, but lots of kindness too.” – Jen “Confetti from a Coldplay concert four years ago.”

– Millie “My sister sent me a box of my favourite cakes from Bettys in York last week. I’m keeping the box to put in my memory box.”

– Lesley “A glowstick!”

– Vickie

ime flies and, before you know it, the moments that brought us so much joy are a thing of the past. But we don’t have to let those feelings slip away. Keeping a memory box is a great way to gather together bits and pieces that have the power to transport us to another time. Ready to start your collection? We’ve got five tips to get you started.

DOES IT SPARK JOY? You will know intuitively what does and doesn’t hold emotional value to you. At the same time, you don’t have to keep everything, and shouldn’t feel guilty about letting some things go. Keep the things that tell a story, and to which you have the strongest emotional connection.

BOX IT UP You don’t have to go out and spend a lot of money on a box. In fact, your memory box could be something as simple as a repurposed shoe-box.

But whatever you start with, you can use this as an opportunity to get crafty. Cover your box in wrapping paper, newspaper or magazine cuttings, or fabric – new, or saved from old sentimental items. Get your creative juices flowing, and make something meaningful to you.

SHARE THE LOAD A memory box can be a deeply personal thing, or it can be something to share with loved ones. You might start a memory box for a baby, to give to them when they turn 18, or you might make one for a partner to celebrate a special anniversary or milestone. Save items from things that you have done together, or that remind you of them, and create something distinctly unique.

WHAT’S THE THEME? While it can be fun to pull out surprises, if you’re planning on saving a lot, you don’t have to cram it all into the same box. In fact, categorising things into themes can help you relive times that you feel especially nostalgic for. You might decide to create a box for a certain period of your life, or for a relationship or friendship. Or if you are putting things in together, you could craft pouches to sort items by dates or significance.

AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE With every item that you put into your box, take a moment to reflect on why it means something to you. Through the ups and downs, it’s important to take time to acknowledge how our past has led us to the places where we are today. Whatever you put in your memory box, no matter how odd or insignificant it might seem to others, reflect on how it touched your life, and shaped the person that you are today.

August 2020 • happiful.com • 47

&

Sourdough going slow Ella Mills may be pregnant with her second daughter, bringing out a brand new cookbook, and considering the changes that could make a big difference to life after lockdown – but the biggest thing that keeps her up at night? Her sourdough...

Writing | Lucy Donoughue

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lla Mills has found a new hobby – baking bread.

“I’m obsessed with making sourdough,” she laughs, explaining that the process occupies her thoughts so much that she has, on occasion, been known to bring her proving loaves and starter mix into the bedroom at night for fear that the kitchen might be too cold – much to the amusement of her husband, Matt.

“And, because I’m pregnant and have to pee all the time,” she continues, “when I get up at night, I have to stop myself from putting on the light to have a look at how the loaves are doing...”

Ella’s bread-based obsession is a result of lockdown, and finding herself with more time – thanks to the absence of the morning commute, back-to-back meetings, and moving between her central London office and deli as the founder and creative director of the hugely successful Deliciously Ella brand.

But it’s fair to say that Ella still has quite a full plate on which to cram her new baking ambitions.

48 • happiful.com • August 2020

Her latest book, Quick and Easy: Plant Based Deliciousness will be published this summer, her role in the family business she started in 2012 is as wide-ranging as ever, and she continues to produce a charttopping podcast alongside her husband and CEO of Deliciously Ella, Matt.

The couple are also expecting their second child this autumn, their daughter, Skye, is just 10 months old when we speak, and they all share their home with furry family member Austin, a playful Cocker Spaniel who, Ella notes, is delighted with their extended time at home together.

While lockdown may have brought about a pooch-approved change of pace, Ella is all too aware of the devastating impact it has had on others. She describes her own experiences as ‘mixed’, thankfully without illness, with the main challenges centering around responsibilities as business owners.

“As with everyone, the beginning of lockdown was tough,” she explains. “I think partly just from a Deliciously Ella perspective, we

were trying to sort out a thousand changes, and that was pretty overwhelming.

“Once we got a better handle on everything, and settled into a new rhythm, a new plan for the year, and a new focus, things kind of levelled out.”

Despite the rocky start to quarantine, the expulsion of the ‘old normal’ has brought some positives, including Ella’s experience of pregnancy carrying her second daughter, which she describes as “a joy, and a significantly easier experience”, adding that: “Motherhood has been the most unbelievable transformative period of time in my life. I’ve learnt so, so much.”

As well as the lessons motherhood continues to offer, Ella shares that Skye’s arrival last year signalled a much-needed shift in her own attitude to work. “I was working 14 hours a day, six days a week, and that was just not going to be sustainable, having a baby.”

Now, her approach has changed, and Matt has taken an even greater role in moving the core business forward. It’s evident from the way

Photography | Sophia Spring

Motherhood has been the most unbelievable transformative period of time in my life

Ella speaks that they both love what they do, their teamwork, and each other, very much.

Ella and Matt’s work ethos, capacity to learn, and share their failures, was beautifully illustrated in Ella’s 2018 title The Plant-Based Cookbook. Stories of stock concerns, cash flow issues, business growth challenges, and burn-out, were nestled between mouth-watering recipes, and each chapter led the reader through the highs and lows of entrepreneurship.

In 2020, life looks very different for Ella and family, and so the narrative surrounding the plethora of plant-based recipes in Quick and Easy is one of wellbeing, evidencebased health information, and snippets of advice from the industry experts interviewed on their podcast. Most importantly to

many who follow her progress, it includes her own personal health and wellness experiences over the past eight years.

“During that time, I’ve come to appreciate that although wellbeing is such a complicated topic in many ways – and impacts so many areas of our lives from the way we work, to our relationship, and friendships – in other ways it’s really simple,” she says emphatically.

“There are small things that have so much science behind them that we’re not always brilliant

at doing, and yet they can make such a fundamental difference to our health. Trying to sleep well, making time for a bit of exercise, preparing that easy nourishing lunch or dinner – they’re all things that genuinely have a big impact.”

Ella’s passionate advocacy around wellbeing extends to sharing her deep love of yoga – a major pillar in her own wellness plan. “There’s no better way for me to connect to how I feel and think,” she enthuses.

“There’s just a sense of peace and calm that I get from yoga that I haven’t found from anything else. >>> August 2020 • happiful.com • 49

As human beings we have an unbelievable ability to adapt and put one foot in front of the other

‘Deliciously Ella Quick & Easy: Plant-Based Deliciousness’ by Ella Mills (Yellow Kite, £25) I think that’s why I keep coming back to it. That’s what pushes me to practise and learn more.

“And yoga isn’t for everyone,” Ella explains. “But there are so many other types of movement to explore and enjoy, and if you find what you love, you will keep coming back to it, too.”

Having and maintaining her own wellness, Ella says, is a privilege that she doesn’t take for granted, because of her own ill-health in the past. The original Deliciously Ella blog, and catalyst for her books and business, emerged from an extended period of illness and isolation at home in her early

20s, after being diagnosed with Postural Tachycardia Syndrome – a debilitating condition that causes even the simple act of standing up to become a overwhelming challenge for some people.

And how is she today?

“Now, on a day-to-day basis, I feel good physically and mentally, and that’s something I’m so grateful for.

My wellness is also a massive workin-progress, and always will be.”

Further reflecting upon the period of isolation she spent as a younger woman, as well as currently social distancing, Ella ponders the advice she might now give to her 21-yearold self.

“I’d probably say enjoy the ride a little more!” She laughs. “There’s been so many intensely busy and scary periods for all kinds of reasons, and it’s really hard to enjoy it when you feel like you could go out of business tomorrow, and when you’re always moving on to the next thing. That’s something I’d like to change.

“I’d also say that this year has taught us, more than ever, that we just don’t know what’s coming next, but as human beings we have an unbelievable ability to adapt and put one foot in front of the other.

More trust in our ability to do that would probably serve us well.”

How to manage anxiety over returning to the new normal We share simple practices to help you manage adjusting to life after lockdown Writing | Katie Hoare

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s schools start to reopen, and retail stores return, the lockdown cloud is slowly starting to shift.

And while many are eager to feel a sense of normality again, the prospect of a ‘new normal’ may bring some new anxieties.

‘Re-entry anxiety’ – a specific form of stress related to being unable or not wanting to adapt to previous routines – is the fear of trying to establish, and be comfortable in, our old lives before the Covid-19 outbreak. Lockdown has created a safe bubble for me (my home) in which my partner and I exist safely, and the threat of bursting that makes me nervous.

People experience re-entry anxiety over a number of things – for example car accidents, which can leave victims unwilling to get back into a car as their association with the vehicle is negative. And whether you unfortunately caught this virus or not, you can still

identify with this anxiety around returning to normal, which for the past few months we have been denied, as this increased the risk of spreading the outbreak.

I’m comforted to know that I’m not alone in this fear. A recent poll

by Ipsos MORI found that 67% of British people feel uncomfortable about attending large public gatherings, or music and sporting events, compared to how they felt before the virus, and three in five Brits are sceptical of going to bars and restaurants, or using public transport again.

I haven’t ventured far; the weekly supermarket shop, or the odd trip to Homebase has been my limit, but as soon as I see the front of the shop, there is a noticeable tightening of my chest. I am on high alert for anyone within a twometre radius, and I can recognise that lockdown and the easing of it has triggered some previous anxious habits I thought I had under control.

We’ve not lived through a pandemic before, and re-entry is inevitable, but it can be at your own pace Counsellor and supervisor Beverley Hills explains that not all of us are able to embrace change.

“Some people find the thought of a ‘new normal’ terrifying, and the fear of the unknown looms large, often threatening to overwhelm us; our brain imagines all sorts, but none of us can predict the future.”

We must remember that this is unknown territory – we’ve not lived through a pandemic before, and re-entry is inevitable, but it can be at your own pace. While I may be yearning for my previous life, I’m taking things slow. Here’s how you can prepare yourself for re-entry, and manage your anxiety around doing so. >>>

TAKE EACH DAY AT YOUR OWN PACE Although measures are loosening, if possible, you don’t have to jump straight back into your old routine.

If leaving the house on foot is the only method you’re comfortable with, stick with it, but try to go a little further each day. Perhaps introduce a break on a bench for five minutes, and learn to be comfortable in the presence of others – responsibly of course.

If your office reopens, but you can still work from home, build up your attendance gradually, so you slowly re-establish a routine that’s comfortable for you.

If you have no control over when you return to work, have measures in place that allow you to be as comfortable as possible, and that you can detail to your employer. Whether it’s anxiety over returning to work, or catching the virus, talking is a great tool to move forward.

BE PREPARED AND PROTECT YOUR WELLBEING Things may not turn out as you planned, so try to prepare yourself.

You might struggle with mood swings and a feeling of unease, so find a place in your house that you feel totally comfortable in, and spend five minutes there, practising some simple breathing exercises to create a sense of calm.

Perhaps you have struggled with panic attacks in the past, and are nervous that they may return.

Illustration by Dzana Serdarevic. Submitted for United Nations Global Call Out To Creatives – help stop the spread of Covid-19

Knowledge is key, and engaging in supportive conversations is paramount Practise 10 minutes of mindfulness a day, tuning into all of your senses. What can you see, hear, smell, touch, and taste? When you feel an attack coming on, try to tap into this practice, feel your feet on the ground, and know that you are safe and grounded.

Beverley says: “Take a moment and do what we call Socratic Questioning. Ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen, what’s the best that can happen, and what’s the most likely thing to happen? That way you can be prepared for all eventualities without going down the rabbit hole of rumination, which as we all know, leads nowhere.

“Remember, your anxious thoughts won’t stop things happening, however they will ensure you get upset. Pace yourself – what’s the rush? A good idea is to talk to a counsellor who can help you learn how to manage your anxieties in a healthier way.”

TRY ALTERNATIVE PRACTICE Holistic therapy can be a viable option to support you through re-entry anxiety. With a variety of practices to choose from, crystal healing in particular can be effective as its grounding and energy absorbing qualities can help evoke the energy you need, to quell your anxieties.

Try working self-massage into your daily routine. A simple

practice with powerful benefits, the power of touch can physically relax you, ground you in the here and now, and it gives you the opportunity to slow down and acknowledge how you’re feeling.

HOW TO BROACH THE SUBJECT OF RE-ENTRY ANXIETY OVER LOVED ONES’ SAFETY The thought of my three-year-old niece returning to nursery makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel helpless. But is it my place to voice my concerns?

This is tricky. With the fear of sounding like a judgemental auntie, I didn’t know how to broach the subject with my brother. So instead, I looked at the facts, I spoke to colleagues with children, and discovered how they were managing things.

As I’m not a parent, I didn’t understand the measures put in place by each school for the protection of staff and children, nor did I understand how the virus has affected the area my brother lives in. So I did speak to my brother, purely to understand how the nursery would move forward safely, and this put my worries at ease. I have to remember that my brother knows his child best, and will have taken all precautions to do what’s right for her.

In this instance, knowledge is key, and engaging in supportive conversations is paramount.

HOW TO SUPPORT CHILDREN RETURNING TO SCHOOL Children returning to school may also be struggling with anxiety and fear, similar to that feeling of first starting school.

It’s difficult for a child to fully understand lockdown, alongside re-introducing a normal routine that is still restricted. Clinical hypnotherapist and NLP practitioner Les Roberts explains in her article, ‘Helping children with anxieties and stresses during the pandemic’, how you can support a child struggling to make sense of the pandemic.

She says: “It’s important to talk to your children about what’s happening. Be open and explain the situation as well as you can.

Talk to them about their feelings, anxieties, what can you do to make them feel better, help them find solutions, offer alternative things to do to take their minds away from whatever is causing them to feel anxious. Reassure them all will be OK, and you understand what they are going through. Be mindful of what you discuss/talk about within earshot of children.”

If you’re struggling with re-entry anxiety for yourself, or for others, try not to put too much pressure on yourself, and take control of the things that are in reach. If you need to talk, Samaritans offer a free, confidential listening service available 24/7 on 116 123, or you can speak to a qualified counsellor via Counselling Directory.

Whatever the new normal will be, you’ll adapt, and you’ll find comfort in the knowledge that you could.

August 2020 • happiful.com • 53

HAPPIFUL TOP 10

August

Make now the time to find out more about what matters to you, so you can use your voice to make a difference. If you’re passionate about being a better ally, please continue to do your research, educate yourself, and speak up against injustice

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1

PAGE-TURNERS Me and White Supremacy: How to Recognise Your Privilege, Combat Racism and Change the World

PUT ON A SHOW The Daily Show with Trevor Noah

Comedian and bestselling author Trevor Noah hosts the award-winning The Daily Show.

During the show, Trevor and his team look at the day’s top headlines through a sharp, reality-based lens. Trevor’s mixture of comedy and thoughtprovoking stories reaches audiences worldwide.

(Search The Daily Show with Trevor Noah on youtube.com)

Many of us are unaware of just how much white privilege affects our lives.

Layla Saad created Me and White Supremacy to help us dismantle the privilege, so that we can stop inflicting damage on people of colour, and help others do better, too.

(Quercus Publishing, £14.99)

OUT AND ABOUT Check-in

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It may seem simple, but checking in on your friends and family members at difficult times can mean the world. Ask them how they are doing, and let them know you are there to support them. Standing up to injustice can be tiring and draining, look after yourself, and others, so we can continue the fight.

(For tips to get the conversation started visit happiful.com) 54 • happiful.com • August 2020

4

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘About Race with Reni Eddo-Lodge’

Author of Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race, Reni EddoLodge, created the podcast ‘About Race’ to keep up the conversation around racism, and find out whether things really have changed. Black Lives Matter is louder than it has ever been before, lets keep the momentum going.

(Visit aboutracepodcast.com)

5

PLUGGED-IN

Alishia McCullough Alishia is a mental health therapist who uses her platform to speak about Black feminism, race, body justice, and anti-diet culture. Follow her for a mixture of insightful quotes, topical news stories, and her own personal experiences.

(Follow @blackandembodied on Instagram)

6

TECH TIP-OFFS Change.org

Change.org allows people from all over the world to start campaigns and influence change in their communities. You can sign existing petitions, start your own, and keep up to date with their progress.

There are a number of petitions you can sign to support the Black Lives Matter movement, including Justice for George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and many others.

(Find, sign and share petitions at change.org)

7

Alishia McCullough | Instagram: @blackandembodied

Black Lives Matter

Black Lives Matter was founded in 2013 in response to the acquittal of Trayvon Martin’s killer. Their mission is to eradicate white supremacy, and build local power to intervene in violence inflicted on Black communities. You can help by signing petitions, learning about racism, and donating to the cause. Join the movement. (Find out more about how you can show your support at blacklivesmatter.com)

10

SQUARE EYES

GET GOING

13th

Ava DuVernay’s documentary 13th uncovers the history behind the 13th Amendment, and how this led to the criminalisation of African Americans. Netflix has made the documentary free to watch for non-subscribers in support of Black Lives Matter.

(Available on Netflix)

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THE CONVERSATION

Move for charity

Walk, run, or dance to raise money for a cause that’s important to you! If you are looking for a UKbased charity to support, Stop Hate UK is committed to supporting people affected by hate crime across the UK. (Visit stophateuk.org for fundraising tips)

TREAT YOURSELF Soapsmith Lavender Hill Bath Soak

Consciously supporting Black-owned businesses is one step you can take towards becoming a better ally. Founder Sam Jameson created Soapsmith products to capture the vibrant culture of London. The Lavender Hill bath soak is full of natural ingredients and essential oils to revitalise the skin, body, and mind. (£25, shop online at soapsmith.com) Win a Soapsmith Lavender Hill Bath Soak!

For your chance to win, simply email competitions@happiful.com with your answer to the following question: How many museums are there in London? a) 120 b) 150 c) 170 Competition closes 20 August. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!

WIN!

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ATURE HAPTHPEICNHECKOUT AT

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On an annual subscription using code HAPPINATURE at shop.happiful.com Includes postage and packaging (mainland UK). Prices and benefits are correct at the time of printing, using code HAPPINATURE, which expires on 17 September 2020. For full terms and conditions, please visit happiful.com

TRUE LIFE

A crash wrecked my life – until I found my own way back A serious road accident left Tamara traumatised and in deep despair. It took her 10 years to finally discover a path that helped her to heal from the inside Writing | Tamara Selaman

I

n 1999, at the age of 19, I was involved in a serious road accident that turned my life upside down, and created a series of life-changing events. I was thrown out of my car into a field. A section of my lower spine was crushed, but I was breathing. Two days later, I had a bone graft – titanium plates and screws inserted into my spine to help the bones fuse and re-grow.

In the five years that followed, I went from survival to instinct, as I struggled with my physical limitations and excruciating pain. There were times when the medication wore off, and I couldn’t move. Some days, it would take me hours of self-treating to be able

to leave the house and manage my daily tasks.

I was a survivor on the outside, but inside I was in a space where I couldn’t function properly. Anxiety, depression, and panic attacks had now become a constant part of my existence, and I could feel myself slipping into the depths of despair. I was taking antidepressants and strong painkillers that caused side-effects, and I was totally misunderstood by those around me.

My mental wellbeing was slowly deteriorating.

The trauma and negative emotions were eating me up from the inside, and I had days where I felt as though I couldn’t go on anymore. I was desperate to move out of this space.

I wasn’t offered any form of therapy, and was unaware that such help existed as it hadn’t formed part of my path prior to the car accident. I was about to discover a whole new world.

The year 2004 saw lots of change. I requested the removal of the metal supports and stopped all my medication, even though I was in immense pain. That same year, I underwent more than seven major operations, which added to my long list of symptoms. I started to build a form of relationship with my father for the first time since I was eight, and was also sexually mistreated by an individual who I thought I could trust.

Then I was declared bankrupt – by recommendation of the courts, due to the debt from the finance I had on the car involved in the car accident – and was left completely drained and traumatised physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. I had never felt so low in my life. I felt alone. My mental agony had now reached its pinnacle.

Then one day, it dawned on me that it was up to me to reclaim my life and start living once again. I decided to replace my anger with compassion, to forgive myself, and to focus on the things that were in my control, and able to change – my health, my energy, my mindset! >>> August 2020 • happiful.com • 57

I was a survivor on the outside, but inside I was in a space where I couldn’t function properly.

Anxiety, depression, and panic attacks had now become a constant part of my existence

To find out more about Tamara and her wellness programme, search breathe360 on Facebook, tamaraselaman on Instagram, or email tamara@breathe360.uk

I needed to heal from the inside out. This started to turn my life around, my spirits were lifted, and I was improving – not just my physical health but also my mental and emotional wellbeing.

Studying, reading books, and searching the web for alternate paths of healing, turned into my passion and way of life. The next 10 years were spent finding my way through this maze of mixed messages about health, trying and testing many forms of healing – both conventional and alternative. I used the services of more than 60 medical and alternative healing experts, but nothing helped me.

58 • happiful.com • August 2020

Sometimes, I would even feel worse if the treatment wasn’t right for me, and released what I realise now was unspoken trauma.

I was depressed, my mind was jumbled, and my thoughts toxic. At that point, I just wanted to let go of everything and finally give up.

However, life had other plans. My symptoms improved and I started to get on track. I was in a relationship, and my business was delivering something – dancing and remedial massage therapy – that I had a real passion for. Dancing has always felt like my form of meditation and expressional healing.

In 2012, I gave birth to a beautiful boy, named Charlie. I now knew that my life wasn’t just about me anymore. When Charlie was 10 months, I became a single mum, and I knew I had to be OK for me and my child.

That same month, I lost my father, with whom I shared a complex, distant relationship, but had been building on. I flew to Canada to say goodbye, and introduce Charlie to him. This was a beautiful moment when he called him his grandson.

Two years later I lost my grandfather – the man I looked up to, the only man I hadn’t felt abandoned by, and who was my rock.

Slowly, I was being led into a path where cellular healing was of interest, along with diet and nutrition. I realised that everything is energy, and that blockages caused by stress, shock, trauma, and genes affect your flow and functioning – a bit like a traffic jam. I knew that my body’s energy flow needed to be corrected. I started with mitochondrial therapy, and began to work on the adrenal and limbic systems (responsible for emotions, memories, and stimulation). My mind started to clear, and my energy improved.

For the first time in years, I started to experience positive change, not just

With time, Tamara stopped looking for symptoms and started noticing healing

I felt I had started to heal from within. My thinking became clearer, my energy levels soared, and I started responding – rather than reacting – to situations in my mental wellbeing, but also my physical and emotional health. I was activating the body’s miraculous capacity to self-heal – I felt like I was actually watering and nourishing my roots. I was excited. I stopped looking at my symptoms, and started looking at the energy system, and frequency healing that matches the body’s own language. I trained in the NES Health bioenergetic scanning system, and began seeing the unseen happening in my body – I felt I had started to heal from within. My energy levels soared, and I started responding – rather than reacting – to situations.

For the first time in a long time, I felt strong.

My quality of life has changed beyond belief, and I am able to better manage life’s challenges.

I’m now completing training as a Total Release Experience Practitioner with TREUK, which has added to my understanding about the importance of a comprehensive healing model, releasing stress and trauma from within.

Looking back at my years of pain, depression, trauma, learning, and growth, I realise that all along, I was creating a unique, multi-dimensional 360 approach to wellbeing, albeit rather unintentionally!

So many of us have headaches, mood swings, chronic pain, or low energy, and while the standard protocol might be to take a pill, this often can reduce symptoms temporarily, but may not offer the long-term health solution you desire. This inspired me, and today I run Breathe360, teaching people how to activate your body’s own healing ability by re-energising your system naturally from the inside out, like I have my own.

While it’s a continual journey, this has turned into a daily lifestyle and extension of me, that now not only supports me, but also my little family tribe.

OUR EXPERT SAYS Tamara is very strong to have found a way through such testing times, and to build a successful career and family life. Her story illustrates though that she didn’t always realise she had the strength inside – not only to survive, but to grow and thrive.

Life can throw some pretty hard punches, and we all have times that seem too difficult to bear. Tamara reminds us, however, that life is also full of opportunity. It’s up to us to take on the responsibility to tap into the inner strength, and begin our journey on the road to happiness.

Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr Life coach August 2020 • happiful.com • 59

8 tips for

beating the bloat Most of us are familiar with having to unbutton a tight pair of jeans after a slap-up meal. But for some people, bloating can be more regular, painful, and distressing. Here we uncover the reasons behind the problem, and come up with some top tips for easing your digestive discomfort Writing | Jenna Farmer

I

t’s normal to feel a little bloated and sluggish after overindulging, but some people are plagued with frequent bouts of bloating, which leave them feeling really uncomfortable, and can take a massive toll on their mental health.

Bloating happens when our body retains water and gas, leaving our tummy feeling swollen and full.

While it’s not usually serious, the anxiety it can cause is huge.

Since it happens suddenly, and sometimes in the most awkward of situations, many sufferers find bloating can impact their social lives, make them feel selfconscious, and even affect their relationships.

Like any health issue, it’s important to know that when it comes to bloating, you’re not alone. A quick scroll through the

60 • happiful.com • August 2020

hashtag #mybloatedwardrobe on Instagram (started by blogger Lottie Drynan @thetummydiaries) reveals hundreds of women sharing the daily reality of living with bloating.

But what causes bloating to happen in the first place, and is it fixable?

Registered nutritional therapist Anna Mapson says: “Bloating can stem from many different reasons, but more frequent and longer episodes of bloating can be down to the strength of digestion.

“If your stomach acid, or digestive enzymes, are low, you won’t be breaking food down properly. This can cause partially digested food to ferment in the intestines, resulting in bloating and gas.

“Food intolerance can also be an issue for some people,” explains

Anna, who runs a seven-day gut reset course online (goodnessmenutrition.com) to help people get to grips with their gut.

Of course, sometimes bloating can be an indicator of underlying conditions (it is a key symptom of ovarian cancer, for example), so Anna advises those with ongoing bloating to always see their GP before making any diet changes.

Once you’ve ruled these out, it could be worth looking at your diet and lifestyle choices to see if these could potentially help relieve or lessen your bloating. Here are some of our top tips...

1. Slow down when you eat Is your idea of a lunch break wolfing down a sandwich at your desk? It turns out eating too quickly could be to blame for your bloating episodes. Experts

recommend we chew food around 30 times before we swallow it, but lots of us eat too quickly – leading us to swallow more air, which can cause bloating.

Anna Mapson explains: “Chewing is really important – there are no teeth in your stomach!

Also, there are enzymes to start digestion of carbs in our saliva, so allowing food to start digesting in the mouth can really help. Sit down to eat, don’t eat on the run or in the car.”

Experts recommend we chew food around 30 times before we swallow it, but lots of us eat too quickly – leading us to swallow more air, which can cause bloating

2. Tuck into fermented foods.

When it comes to improving your digestion in general, working on our microbiome (the collection of bacteria in our guts) is a great place to start. Instead of taking a probiotic, it can often be just as effective to incorporate fermented foods – like sauerkraut, kefir and kimchi – into your diet.

These foods are teeming with good bacteria to help our digestive system, but a word of warning: take it slow. “Some people may find their bloating gets better with fermented foods, but others can find it makes things worse with more bloating! Start slowly, and build up,” advises Anna. >>> August 2020 • happiful.com • 61

Keep a food diary Cut down on cruciferous veg

Up your fibre

3. Up your fibre Sometimes bloating is actually caused by constipation, so upping your fibre can kill two birds with one stone! Regardless of whether you’re constipated, fibre is crucial for improving your digestive health, and eating a varied diet that’s rich in fibre will usually make a real difference to your gut.

“The beneficial microbes we want to encourage flourish in a higher fibre diet, so include lots of vegetables, fruits, pulses, and whole grains in your diet,” explains Anna.

As with fermented foods, it’s important to take things slowly, as a sudden increase of fibre may temporarily cause stomach discomfort and diarrhoea. Some individuals with inflammatory 62 • happiful.com • August 2020

bowel disease, or even severe IBS, can find too much fibre may worsen their symptoms – so work with your body, and find a level that works for you.

4. Keep a food diary There’s no one food that worsens bloating, but if you’re experiencing it regularly, and have been tested by your GP for other causes, a food diary can be a practical way to find out if particular foods are making things worse.

“A reaction to certain foods can trigger fermentation and bloating,” says Anna. Keeping a food diary will help you find patterns in your symptoms – but if you plan to cut food groups out

of your diet, always seek support from a qualified dietitian or nutritionist first.

5. Cut down on cruciferous veg Ever find certain veggies make things worse? Well it could be that they fall into the cruciferous vegetable family. Cabbage, Brussels sprouts, cauliflower, and broccoli are all packed with nutrients, but they’re also high in raffinose, a complex sugar that our body sometimes struggles to digest – meaning it can cause gas and bloating in some individuals.

It doesn’t mean you can’t eat these veggies, but it might be worth not eating too many of them at the same sitting if you’re particularly sensitive to them.

Sip on fennel tea

Try the low FODMAP diet

Pick up a papaya

For more nutritional insight and support, and to see if a nutritionist could help you, check out our free Happiful app.

Fibre is crucial for improving your digestive health, and eating a varied diet that’s rich in fibre will usually make a real difference to your gut 6. Sip on fennel tea When you’re feeling bloated, swap your regular cuppa for a cup of fennel tea. Fennel has been a natural digestion remedy for many years, with the seeds of fennel traditionally being chomped on to aid digestion. We think it’s much easier to simply brew a cup of fennel tea instead! Peppermint and ginger are both good alternatives if you haven’t got fennel tea to hand.

7. Pick up a papaya After a big meal, it could be worth tucking into a bowl of papaya for dessert. Why? Well this exotic fruit is known for containing digestive enzymes, making it a perfect afterdinner treat. Papain – the main enzyme found in papaya – helps break down the food in our gut, making it easy to digest, and thus hopefully preventing bloating.

Another enzyme-rich fruit is pineapple, which contains the enzyme bromelain. Both of these fruits are rich in fibre, so they can also help ease constipation, another common cause of bloating.

8. Try the low FODMAP diet While some of the food choices we’ve mentioned above can

certainly help bloating, some may find they need to overhaul their whole diet. The low FODMAP diet limits certain types of short-chain, fermentable carbohydrates that are thought to cause digestive issues in those with sensitive guts. There’s some evidence that following this diet can eliminate bloating and stomach pain but, given the nature of the diet, you’ll need to work closely with a dietitian for support.

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease and blogs about her journey to improve gut health at abalancedbelly.co.uk August 2020 • happiful.com • 63

Robert Douglas: Joy, laughter, and Black Lives Matter A quick scroll through blogger Robert Douglas’s Instagram feed will quickly give you an idea of exactly what he’s about. A capsule of the joy that he finds with wife Sherrianne, six-year old ‘J’, and two-year-old ‘R’, mixed with important takes on the issues of today, Robert’s passion is palpable. Here, he speaks about Black fatherhood, everyday racism, and the power of the online community Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Hi Robert! What drew you to begin blogging your family life?

I’d just joined Instagram in 2016, and I came across dad blogger Simon Hooper, ‘Father of Daughters’. I was following his journey, and I connected with more dads, but then I quickly realised that the space was predominantly white.

There’s been a reputation about Black dads not being present and not being engaged. I wanted to put my stamp on the blogging world and say: “We’re here. We exist.

We do exactly the same things as everybody else. Let’s break down stereotypes.”

That’s still one of my focuses, but it’s also about bringing joy in times of heaviness. We naturally have a laugh in the family anyway, and so hopefully we put a smile on people’s faces.

64 • happiful.com • August 2020

You’re also open about anxieties surrounding fatherhood. Do you consciously try to strike a balance?

At first, I was really conscious of what I put online and I was thinking, this needs to be a polished picture. Then after a while I just thought to myself, this isn’t real. So, I started writing about my worries.

I got a lot of messages from other dads to say: “It’s great that you’re talking about this because I feel exactly the same, but don’t know how to express it.” I think that gave me the confidence to share more, and to make the account more real.

Especially in this time, with the Black Lives Matter movement, it’s opened all of the wounds and emotions that myself and others have hidden for a long time, because we don’t want to disrupt things, or because it helps us cope.

You’ve recently begun sharing examples of times you’ve experienced racist discrimination.

Could you speak to that?

I had a friend who had an issue with a family just up the road from him – he was white and the family were white. It got to the point where he wrote a letter to them.

We were about 14 at the time, so it didn’t say anything too bad, but he told me he posted it.

On the Monday, I was sitting in my English lesson and a teacher I didn’t know asked to speak to me, in earshot of everybody else. She told me that I’d been accused of harassing a girl who went to my school. She told me everything that she thought I was, and how much trouble I was going to be in.

I tried to speak, but she just said: “Don’t respond. You’ve been caught. I’m going to call your

parents, and I think the police need to get involved.”

I was a 14-year-old boy who had never been in trouble, and who had been working hard at school. I didn’t know what to do.

I remember just saying: “Call my dad, call my dad.”

I was made to sit in a room on my own, and make a written statement. Then I went home that lunch, and saw my dad, where I told him about it. After lunch, I went back to school where I saw a police car pull up. But then everything disappeared. I wasn’t spoken to again.

It wasn’t until after a recent conversation with my dad that he actually told me he’d got a call before I’d come home for lunch. He went to the school that afternoon and had it out with them, there and then. He wrote a letter of complaint and the teacher had disciplinary action against her. Years later, I found out from other people who had similar experiences that she would target Black boys.

Recently there’s been some talk in the online parenting community, Candice Brathwaite in particular, about the point where young Black boys go from ‘cute to scary’, which reminds me of the stage you’re talking about.

Absolutely, it’s those teenage years. A lot of people look at my Instagram, they’ll see pictures of the children, and I’ll get comments about how cute they are, how lovable they are, how smiley they are.

But I want people to understand that, at some point, they will go from cute to being demonised –

people crossing the road when they see them coming. They’re the same joyous children, but before you get to know them, you’ll judge them.

As a father, how do you even begin to rationalise that?

It’s really difficult. You have to keep the balance of not putting something in your child’s head that will limit them, but also share with them the reality.

You have to try to explain to them: “People are going to treat you differently, because of nothing that you have done. As

an individual, you could be the happiest, most positive person, but because of this aspect – which is the colour of your skin – you are going to have to work harder.

Expectations of you are going to be low. You may face teachers, like I did, who don’t want to see you succeed.”

Are you having conversations with your children about the BLM movement?

We’re drip-feeding our six-year-old.

We had a BLM protest close to us – we didn’t join walking consciously, because of the children. >>> August 2020 • happiful.com • 65

But we drove alongside them on part of their route so he could see what the protest was about.

Some family members were marching as well. We saw them walk past our car with their signs. We did that purposely so he could see that this thing is real, and that it affects our family. But he’s such a sensitive child that we have to be really careful about what we say.

He’s recognised the differences already and, towards the end of last year, he actually said: “I want to be white because white is better.” Of course, we were crushed by that.

That just shows us how much work there is to do to combat this thing, even at that level, with children. That thought is going to stay with him for a long time, and it’s going to take a lot of work to get that out of his head.

You’re having these conversations online as well.

What’s the response been?

It’s been absolutely amazing.

The main thing that came out of it, particularly from white dads, was: “I hadn’t ever considered the things that you have to think about.”

From the Black dads, it sparks so many emotions, and they open up a lot. Men aren’t known, of course, for opening up. But I’ve had so many WhatsApp conversations and phone calls with other dads, just talking about things that happened to us, things that we were scarred by, or that we didn’t realise until now were racist. Things that have limited us, and things that have driven us to do better.

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I think something that we’ve all learned is that our home is based on joy and laughter Throughout it all, how do you maintain a healthy mindset?

For one, we’re a family of faith.

We base a lot of what we do in that.

But also, I don’t want to waste my time on this earth. I pepper my Instagram with real serious issues, and things that put a smile on my face.

There’s so much weight, and there’s so much to get your head around. If I didn’t do that, I’d never move from my sofa, because I’d live in fear constantly. So that’s kind of it. It’s a desire to have a

good time, enjoy what I’m doing, and enjoy seeing others happy.

After the struggles of the last few months, what lessons have you learned about your family?

It’s reaffirmed to me that, as a family, we’re so strong. We get on so well, we have a laugh. I think something that we’ve all learned is that our home is based on joy and laughter.

Follow Robert on Instagram @this_father_life

Are tattoos a form of therapy?

Going under the inker’s needle might hurt physically, but there is some evidence that the painful process could be making you mentally stronger Writing | Fiona Thomas

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s someone without tattoos – I’ve always been fascinated by people who choose to get inked.

Apart from the pain of an electric needle puncturing my skin 50 to 3,000 times per minute, it sounds like a club I’d quite like to join.

There’s a camaraderie. I’ve seen acquaintances become best buds as they discuss the likelihood of time travel, a result of an obscure Back to the Future reference peeking out from an open shirt.

I’ve seen couples commemorate anniversaries, and individuals immortalise their loved ones on

their skin. It’s such a socially acceptable form of creative expression that one-fifth of British adults have at least one tattoo.

WHY IS TATTOOING A THING? The origin of tattooing can’t be pinpointed to one specific place or time, and its purpose varies, depending on location and cultural norms. There are 49 known mummified remains which show evidence of tattooing, and they originate from all over the world including Alaska, Greenland, Mongolia, Egypt, and Siberia.

The earliest known evidence of tattoos can be found on Otzi the Iceman, Europe’s oldest mummy.

The body is thought to date back as far as 3370BC and has a total of 61 tattoos. On closer inspection of Otzi’s bones, experts noticed that the placement of many of his tattoos matched areas which showed degeneration. It’s widely speculated that his tattoos were strategically positioned as an early form of pain relief, similar to modern-day acupuncture.

Nowadays, tattoos are generally used to symbolise a feeling or to express identity. >>> August 2020 • happiful.com • 67

You know that amazing mood boost you get after an intense gym session?

The tattooing process has the same effect CHEMICAL REACTION To find out more about the physiological effects of tattooing, I spoke to Doctify-rated psychotherapist Mark Bailey — who has tattoos of his own — and he talked me through the associated brain chemistry.

It all starts with the anticipation phase, when your brain experiences a rush of adrenaline and dopamine. This can feel exciting and a bit scary, similar to riding a rollercoaster or going on a first date. Once the needle touches your skin, you produce adrenaline.

“This can then help mask some of the pain,” says Mark, “although 68 • happiful.com • August 2020

from experience it doesn’t always feel like any pain is being masked!”

Then come the endorphins.

You know that amazing mood boost you get after an intense gym session? The tattooing process has the same effect. These feel-good chemicals reduce your perception of the pain in the same way as drugs like morphine or codeine.

You’ll also feel a ‘natural high’ according to Mark. There is even research to suggest that getting multiple tattoos may affect your long-term ability to cope with stress, and improve your immune system by reducing the release of cortisol.

;

With this potent mixture of adrenaline, dopamine, and endorphins taking hold, it’s easy to see why some people insist on going back for more. But what about the agony of getting inked?

Is experiencing the pain of a tattoo therapeutic in some way?

PUSHING THROUGH THE PAIN Some people say that living through the controlled, physical pain of a tattoo has made them more mentally resilient. I spoke to Rosalie Hurr, co-editor of Things & Ink magazine, who told me that for her, the pain of a tattoo is a mixture of emotions.

“At the beginning of the tattoo appointment I feel nervous and excited,” says Rosalie, “then I settle into the pain like ‘this is OK, I can cope with this’. There is definitely a ‘buzz’ especially if your tattooist is excited to do the tattoo too, and seeing the finished piece at the end is amazing. But there is also exhaustion, and it can take a lot out of me to push through the pain.”

Rosalie also describes the sense of empowerment that comes from travelling to a new tattoo parlour, and then spending the day with a complete stranger who will permanently alter her body. “As someone with anxiety, this is a huge achievement,” she tells me.

“Throw in the mix the time spent in an uncomfortable position, and the pain of the actual tattoo, and I am a goddamn warrior.”

Dr Kimberly Baltzer-Jaray, a lecturer in Women’s Studies at Kings University College, says that getting tattoos has supported her journey with PTSD, depression, and auto-immune disease. In particular, tattooing has offered a positive transition from unhealthy coping mechanisms such as selfharm. Kimberly finds that going under the needle holistically complements her professional therapy sessions, and offers a welcome distraction. The act of caring for her healing skin has also proved to be a powerful process.

“I’ve also been tattooing over my old cutting marks, and that has helped me come to terms with my past and move forward to a better relationship with my body and mind,” she tells me. “I can see the old marks through the tattoos, but no one else knows they are there, so it’s not really a secret,

Getting multiple tattoos may affect your long-term ability to cope with stress, and improve your immune system by reducing the release of cortisol

Consider these things before getting a tattoo, says Mark Bailey: • Try out temporary tattoos for a few weeks before you commit to a real one.

• Discuss your tattoo out loud with someone you trust.

• Talk to an expert. A good tattoo artist will suggest you plan your tattoo(s) carefully. they’re right there, but only I know where to look to find them in the colourful patterns and shading.”

Both Kimberly and Rosalie highlight the significance of their relationship with each tattoo artist.

Similar to a therapist, finding the right one can lead to a lifelong connection. Kimberly says the artist she currently works with has become a trusted friend. “The time I spend on his table is therapeutic in a sense. It is an escape from my

world and everything outside, and it is a safe space, where we both attend, in some way, to me.”

WORD OF WARNING According to Mark, this crossover between tattooing and self-harm should be approached with caution. “We know that a principal reason people self-harm is to relieve psychological distress. And if someone were getting tattoos to provide this relief, I would want to explore other ways for them to regulate their emotions.”

No matter what your reasons for getting a tattoo, there’s no doubt that it can have transformative powers. Whether you love the rush, or just the way it looks, it’s proof that your body – and mind – are stronger than you might think.

August 2020 • happiful.com • 69

Time to relax

Are you sitting comfortably? Let’s begin. Hypnotherapist Natasha Crowe talks us through how we can use self-hypnosis to create a sense of calm, promote relaxation, and improve our wellbeing Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford and Natasha Crowe

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e’ve all heard of hypnosis. Whether it’s a headline on the latest celebrity trying hypnobirthing, or TV specials on how you can stop smoking in ‘just one session’. But have you heard of self-hypnosis?

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And how can these techniques help us in our day-to-day lives?

We speak with hypnotherapist Natasha Crowe, to find out more about the benefits of self-hypnosis – and how you can try it yourself at home, right now.

“It’s important to understand that all hypnosis is self-hypnosis,” Natasha explains. “We move through states of consciousness throughout our daily lives, such as focused creative pursuits, perhaps a skill you mastered some time ago, or simply daydreaming.

“These shifts create physiological changes in our nervous system – for example, if we feel stressed then our body and mind will respond. If we experience extreme anxiety, our body will immediately shift into its fight-or-flight response, preparing us for the threat that we subconsciously fear. Yet more often than not, the fear is not actually real.

As Natasha notes, self-hypnosis techniques can be applied at any time when we might feel overwhelmed, worried, or when thoughts are spiralling out of control. She says: “Breathing techniques are key when it comes to sending our brain messages of calmness, grounding our bodies into the present, then allowing the subconscious to use its ability to imagine and create a new, more successful picture or outcome.

When we use these techniques, we activate the parasympathetic nervous system – the body’s restand-digest mode.”

Try it yourself While self-hypnosis can be done anytime, anywhere, there are small things you can do to set yourself up for a better chance of success. Find somewhere comfortable where you can sit, ideally without interruptions.

Ensuring you have a distractionfree environment can help you to focus. Then try this simple selfhypnosis technique from Natasha to help you feel more relaxed and calm, right now.

Repetition is key.

Try to make self-hypnosis a regular part of your self-care routine 1. Breathe deeply, rhythmically, and slowly

Inhale and exhale to the count of four, or breathe in, hold for a moment, and release for a longer exhalation – find whatever feels most calming for you. If you haven’t yet, close your eyes.

2. Picture this

Picture yourself in a place that brings you comfort and peace. It doesn’t have to be a real location, or somewhere you’ve been. It could be riding a horse, on the beach, or

something more every day, such as a bath or your favourite chair.

You can even return to a happy or joyful memory – just choose somewhere you’d like to spend some time.

3. Engage all of your senses

To ground yourself in your new mental surroundings, it’s time to engage all of your senses. Smell your favourite flower. Feel the ocean breeze on your face and sand between your toes as you visualise lying on the beach. Watch the flicker of candlelight from a relaxing bubble bath. Hear the gentle breeze in the trees.

The benefits of self-hypnosis Self-hypnosis is a tool that can help support and strengthen new ideas or behaviours. It may be able to help with: • Lessening pain and stress during childbirth • Promoting relaxation and better quality sleep • Enhancing memory • Overcoming anxiety • Building confidence and improving self-esteem

Getting the most out of self-hypnosis

As with all forms of hypnosis, in order to experience the most benefit, you need to approach things with an open mind, and a willingness to make positive changes. Self-hypnosis is a skill that takes ongoing practise to see lasting benefits.

Experimenting by yourself can help you to feel more relaxed, improve your quality of sleep, feel more confident, and even increase your sense of wellbeing. However, if you struggle to focus, or want to learn more techniques, working with a hypnotherapist can help. Not only can they help you with specific problems or issues, they can also teach you self-hypnosis techniques to reinforce new behaviours that you want to see, allowing for positive results beyond the duration of your sessions.

Repetition is key. Try to make selfhypnosis a regular part of your selfcare routine, and be patient with yourself. The more you practise, the more likely you are to see the benefits in your day-to-day life.

For more on how hypnotherapy can help you, check out the Happiful app.

4. Choose an affirmation you need at this moment

It can be tailored to the specifics of any situation, or as simple as a few short words, such as “I am safe”, “I am peaceful”, or “I am strong”. Notice the subtle changes in breath, body, and mind.

Natasha Crowe is a qualified hypnotherapist, counsellor, and psychotherapist, working with clients on reducing stress, building confidence, and facing life’s crossroads.

August 2020 • happiful.com • 71

“

Nothing we do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future – ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

Photography | Elizeu Dias

Life lessons with Joe Wicks

He’s known to millions as ‘The Body Coach’, and he’s possibly the most famous PE teacher in the world, but it’s the titles of ‘dad’ and ‘husband’ that Joe Wicks loves the most Writing | Lucy Donoughue

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arlier this year I found myself, alone, bunny hopping around my living room, pretending to be Spider-Man, and pulling stars down from the sky. No alcohol was involved, it was before 10 in the morning, and I was just one of more than 800,000 people across the world doing the same thing at that time, led by Joe Wicks (AKA The Body Coach) from his home in south-west London.

‘PE with Joe’ started at the beginning of the lockdown, featuring weekday HIIT sessions, fancy dress Fridays, and guest appearances from his wife Rosie, daughter Indie, and son Marley.

Between March and June, Joe raised hundreds of thousands of pounds for the NHS, made exercise accessible and fun, and gave families a reason to get up, move, and smile every single day.

Although all of this is a massive achievement, Joe is quick to turn the attention and praise on to those who’ve taken part. “This time has been tough, especially for parents who are having to homeschool and do academic subjects,” he says.

“I’ve got a lot of respect for parents

who are having to step up and be teachers when they haven’t got that experience.

“So I thought it would be nice to offer my services as a trainer, just to try to get people active, and start their morning off in a way that could give them energy to be more productive and focused throughout the rest of the day.”

Joe’s workouts have had the desired effect. Households up and down the country have shared photos and films of their daily sweat sessions, and the hashtag #PEWithJoe brings up thank you notes from parents, pictures of Joe drawn by children, and groups happily posing with the certificates he has provided for participants. >>> August 2020 • happiful.com • 73

When I get those moments when I feel a bit flat, I go and do a workout and I’m instantly better

Seeing this joy means everything to Joe. Mood and mindset, he says, are the most important factors when it comes to children’s relationship with exercise. “It’s not about competing with other people, it’s about coming together to have fun, lift your mood and your energy – it’s just a really good way to elevate your mindset.”

Joe is also very aware of the positive impact exercise, as well as healthy eating and behavioural role 74 • happiful.com • August 2020

modelling, has at home, too. It’s something he has worked hard to embed in the Wicks’ own routines.

“As a kid we didn’t sit down for a family dinner,” he says, reflecting upon his own childhood. “It was very chaotic, and my mum and dad didn’t exercise in front of me, I got into it myself.

“I’m now realising how much my own behaviour, and how I interact with Indie, affects her and helps to sculpt her personality, so I really

love reading with her and doing flash cards. I love teaching her to be emotionally stable as well – if she’s having a tough time, I don’t raise my voice, I try to demonstrate that you can communicate and stay calm.

“I also believe in role modelling through cooking together, eating together – and obviously the major one – through exercise,” he smiles.

“Parents who exercise in front of kids help them to see the benefits, and they might be more likely to try it themselves.”

Joe and his wife Rosie share snippets of their home life, exercising, interacting, and feeding their children through social media – specifically the Wean in 15 Instagram account, where they document the methods and recipes they’ve used to wean Indie.

The account led to a book, published earlier this year. Written with the help of leading registered nutritionist Charlotte StirlingReed, Wean in 15 explores how to transition babies on to their first foods, and lay the foundations for a lifetime of healthy, happy eating.

“I loved the whole process with Indie. I’ve really enjoyed trying her on different foods and experimenting, and we started her so young on healthy food that she’s really adventurous now, and loves anything spicy.”

Joe hopes the book will help other parents with the process of weaning, which may feel daunting at first. “This, hopefully, will help them relax and get excited about doing it – because it’s over so quick!”

I always want Rosie to know that she’s beautiful, and that I’m really proud and grateful that she’s given me these beautiful babies

“I’m always honest online,” Joe continues. “If I’m not training or I’m feeling a bit low, I just talk about it, but I always bring it back to the two things I believe in: exercise and healthy food.

“When I get those moments when I feel a bit flat, I do a workout and I’m instantly better. I’m not perfectly happy every day, no-one’s like that.”

His honest approach extends to sharing his gratitude for what he has. It’s obvious that Joe has a deep love and respect for his wife Rosie – which he’s totally unabashed about declaring.

“I always want Rosie to know that she’s beautiful, and that I’m really proud and grateful that she’s given me these beautiful babies,” he states, smiling broadly.

Prioritising love and gratitude is something Joe says he wants

to champion, but can see that it can disappear with time.

“Guys, especially, can be really affectionate when they first meet someone,” he says, “and as time goes by they stop saying the nice things, they forget to tell that person they’re beautiful and they love them.

“People fall out of the habit of doing it, and we shouldn’t. We have to keep the love going.”

Joe Wicks, we couldn’t agree more.

‘Wean in 15: Up-to-Date Advice and 100 Quick Recipes’ by Joe Wicks (Bluebird, £16.99)

The enthusiasm Joe shows in his online sessions flow through everything he does, although he’s keen to be real about his day-to-day experiences. In the week before we chat, he shares on social that he had to take half an hour away from the house after a hard couple of hours with his kids and work.

“I had a bit of a tough day, so I went out, found a bench, and just took a bit of time out. When I came back I was so much better with Indie, Marley, and Rosie – and I don’t think parents should ever feel guilty about needing time away.”

August 2020 • happiful.com • 75

Find a ist nutrition the n o near you l app u if Happ

Picnic picks Writing | Katie Hoare

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unny summer picnics on a Sunday afternoon evoke a sense of nostalgia. Strawberries, scotch eggs, sausage rolls, and plenty of crisps and dip – a picnic just wouldn’t be the same without these classic goodies!

But nowadays, you don’t have to stick to the traditional recipes, anything is on the menu, and all tastes are catered for. We’ve knocked up three of our favourites to give your picnic baskets a little shake up.

Enjoy!

Classic Scotch eggs Makes 4

Ingredients • 5 medium eggs, 1 beaten • 300g sausage meat (or vegetarian equivalent) • 1 tbsp fresh parsley, chopped • 2 tsp dried sage • 150g cooked green lentils, mashed • 125g breadcrumbs

Vegan sausage rolls

Method • Preheat the oven to 180°.

• Line a tray with baking paper.

• Lay out the pastry sheet and cut into three strips.

• Remove skin from sausages and place two sausages on each pastry strip. Flatten a little using fingers.

• Line the chopped red onions on top of the sausages, fold the pastry, and seal with a fork. Cut each sausage roll into three mini rolls.

• Place on a baking tray, sealed side down and make a light cut on top.

• Brush the sausage rolls with plant-based milk to give a golden finish, and sprinkle on sesame seeds. Season lightly with salt.

• Place in the oven for 25 minutes, until golden brown.

Method • Preheat the oven to 180°.

• Boil a pan of water. Place eggs in water and simmer for 10 minutes.

• Combine the sausage meat with the parsley, sage and lentils.

• Once the eggs are cooked, plunge into cold water and peel.

• Divide sausage meat into four and pat into a disc shape. Lay an egg on each disc.

• Close the sausage meat around the egg and seal.

• Pour the breadcrumbs into a shallow dish, and the beaten egg into another dish.

• Dip the meat-covered egg into the beaten egg, and then roll in the breadcrumbs to coat the surface.

• Place each parcel on a baking tray and bake for approximately 25 minutes.

Makes 9

Ingredients • 6 vegan sausages, chilled • 1 sheet ready-rolled puff pastry • Half a red onion, chopped • ½ cup plant-based milk • Handful of sesame seeds • Salt, to season

Our expert says...

Super slaw Serves 6

Ingredients • ¼ red cabbage, shredded • ¼ white cabbage, shredded • 2 radishes, finely sliced • 2 small carrots, grated • 1 apple, grated • 2 tsp apple cider vinegar • 2 tsp mustard • 200g Greek yoghurt • Black pepper, for seasoning Method • On a chopping board, roughly shred the cabbage and finely slice the radish. Place in a mixing bowl.

• Using a cheese grater, finely grate the carrots and apple, and add to the bowl.

• In a small bowl, combine the vinegar, mustard and Greek yoghurt, and mix well.

• Add yoghurt mix to the ingredients bowl, and stir.

• Season with a good grind of black pepper, and serve.

These picnic recipes are nutrientpacked, containing antioxidants, protein, complex carbs, healthy fats, and fibre.

Adding red onion to the vegan sausage rolls increases the fibre content, helping to balance blood sugar, improve motility, and support healthy gut bacteria. Red onion is also rich in the antiinflammatory flavonoid quercetin, beneficial for those with asthma, arthritis, and allergies including hay fever. Sesame seeds are little powerhouses, containing healthy fats and B vitamins for steady energy release.

The super slaw is high in vitamin C – just ½ a cup of shredded cabbage contains your recommended daily amount.

Vitamin C is both immune boosting and stress-busting. Radish is a powerful detoxifier, which helps to effectively eliminate toxins and waste from the body.

The classic Scotch egg is the perfect protein-packed picnic snack. Protein provides the raw materials for the neurotransmitters our brains require, such as GABA, serotonin, and dopamine. Lentils are a great source of plant-based iron, essential for transporting oxygen around the body, and energy production. Parsley is rich in vitamin C, which enhances the absorption of iron. Choose good quality, organic sausage meat, and wholemeal breadcrumbs, to increase the complex carb content.

Rebekah Esdale is an integrative health practitioner and nutritional therapist.

Rebekah is the founder of Wild Roots Nutrition, and runs The Wildly Well Tribe Facebook group.

“

Knowing what must be done does away with fear – ROSA PARKS

Photography | Natasha Tirtabrata

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HOW TO FIND YOUR DREAM JOB Thinking of turning your dreams into reality? We share eight quick tips to help you take the plunge, and go for your ideal role Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

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hinking of turning your dream into your day job? You’re not the only one. Nearly three quarters of our friends across the pond in America have quit a job to chase a career they’re passionate about, according to a 2018 survey. Yet in contrast, according to research from 2016, a whopping 84% of young people in the UK aren’t pursuing their ideal roles. Are we just more reserved about going for what we want, or is something holding us back from following our dreams?

Whether you’re considering making the switch from the general nine-to-five to something more fulfilling, or you’re ready to release your creative juices and jump right in, we’ve got eight quick tips to help you find your dream job.

1. Find your focus It’s time to ask yourself: what do I want? Maybe you’re thinking of taking something you love already (a hobby, a long-time passion, or just a general interest) and finding a way to channel that into a specific career path, or perhaps you’ve just got a more vague idea of what you want (to feel more fulfilled, to have more free time, to focus on your work-life balance).

Life Coach Directory member and career coach, Felicity Dwyer, suggests using your imagination to help you figure out what you really want to do.

“Imagine yourself three years from now, writing to a friend about how you love working in your dream job. Describe all the elements of the job that you love – the tasks you’re doing, the

location and type of workplace, the colleagues you’re working with, the sector and values of your organisation, the positive feedback you’re receiving. Most importantly, how you feel about doing this type of work.

“Really try to imagine those feelings, that you already have this dream job. This will help you believe it’s possible. You might like to then write about some of the strengths and personal qualities that helped you to get the job, from this future perspective.”

2. Be specific According to Universities UK, between 2018 and 2019, around 2.38 million students studied at UK higher education institutes. While 90% of 2016–17 graduates were in work or went on to study further >>> August 2020 • happiful.com • 79

within six months of graduating, not all went on to work or study in related fields. Knowing the rough area you want to work in is great – but it’s important to recognise that it’s just a first step. Where, specifically, do you want your career to go?

3. Consider your path Once you’ve identified your dream job, it’s time to consider how you’ll get there. Are traditional forms of training the best route, or could other areas be more beneficial? Internships can offer relevant working experience, while networking and other life experiences can have a significant impact in ways you may not have considered.

Think through all of your experiences so far: what path best suits your learning style, and what areas of experience or expertise do you already have that could give you an advantage?

4. Confidence is key Feeling confident in yourself is, arguably, one of the most important steps. Who knows you – your skills, your qualifications, your relevant experiences, your passion – better than you?

Understanding your worth and abilities can give you a huge advantage.

But if this is an area you struggle with, working with a confidence coach can help you learn how to best present yourself, as well as changing how you think about yourself. This can help you to feel more prepared, as well as to improve on your nonverbal communication.

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Really try to imagine that you already have this dream job. This will help you believe it’s possible Career coach Felicity shares one of the techniques she uses to help clients. “A simple tip is to become more aware of your posture, and make some simple adjustments if necessary. Try this: slump down in a chair, eyes down, and mumble ‘I’m looking for my dream job.’ How much energy does this approach produce? Probably not much.

“Now, bring your attention into your body. Sit up straight with your feet connected to the floor.

Feel your head floating gently up, as if a golden thread is gently pulling your head up towards the

ceiling. Then smile. How do you feel now? You may find this simple adjustment helps put you into a more confident state of mind, and you can practise and tweak this until the feeling becomes more familiar.”

Felicity explains that working on your posture, and even something as simple as smiling before an interview or searching for a job, can make a noticeable difference to how you feel about yourself – and a confident posture can encourage others to respond to you in a positive way, too.

5. Ask: what do I have to offer?

When we’re thinking about our dreams, it’s easy to focus on what we want – but, frankly, why should a company care about our goals? Why should they invest their time and energy into you?

Whether your dream job involves working for someone else, or creating your own business, you still are looking to do a similar thing. You’re looking for someone (be it a manager or a client) to pay you to solve a specific problem, or fill a specific need. Why are you the best person to do that? What can you offer that others can’t?

6. Set your sights high (but don’t get caught in the fantasy) A dream job may be everything you’ve ever wanted it to be, but it’s important to remember that no job is perfect. It could be a colleague you don’t quite gel with, hours that aren’t quite what you expected, a lower salary than you’d hoped for – big or small, it’s a fact of life: we rarely (if ever) find a perfect fit. Ensuring you don’t get bogged down in the little details and minor downsides is key. You can weigh up the pros and cons, but avoid the trap of setting the unreachable goal. Reality may have a tough time standing up to the impossible dream.

7. Do your research If you think you’ve found your dream job, take time to look closer at the company who you could be working for. Do a little research, and don’t be afraid to ask the hiring manager about company culture, how they like working there, and how long they’ve been there. Doing some extra research online, on sites like Glassdoor and social media, can give you an insight into why employees may have left in the past, get to know the company’s public face a little better, and get a feel for if you think they could be a good fit for you.

8. Focus on quality over quantity Job hunting can be stressful at the best of times – let alone when you’re aiming high! We all know the drill – take time to craft personalised, relevant, covering letters, tweak your CV to fit the job description, and triple-check for any errors, before sending in your application.

By focusing on sending out fewer applications, but higher quality ones, you can ensure each one is getting your full attention – more haste, less speed, and all that jazz.

The more you try to hurry, or cram in just one more application, the more stressed you are likely to feel – and the more likely you are to make mistakes. A couple of errors here and there may not be the end of the world, but when you’re aiming for your dream job, why risk showing anything but your best?

Felicity Dwyer is a career change and transition coach, helping people to find clarity, confidence, and a sense of direction in their career, through her coaching practice, The Heart of Work.

August 2020 • happiful.com • 81

How to deal with comparison Whether we’re struggling with FOMO, or constantly falling into comparison traps, one thing’s for sure, comparing ourselves to others is making us miserable. But it doesn’t have to be this way Writing | Kat Nicholls

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Photography | Gemma Chua-Tran

hen was the last time you felt the prickly sting of comparison?

You know the feeling: the hot frustration that starts in your belly, and rises to your chest when you see someone doing or being something you’re not.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. This feeling can come up in different areas of our lives, from career opportunities to holiday destinations. While I’m hesitant to place the blame entirely on social media (I’ve seen what a positive and uplifting space it can be), the impact it has on our comparison habits is clear.

When Stylist surveyed their readers on confidence and comparison, 83% said social media negatively affects their self-esteem, with 58% saying social media has changed how others view them, and how they view others.

In terms of what triggered their

comparison, “people who make life look easy” came up trumps, with “seeing others having amazing experiences”, “career success”, and “benchmarking where they’re at in life compared to their peers” coming soon after.

Whenever I feel comparison-y, I must admit, I’m always on social media. I might be watching an Instagram story of someone talking about a successful launch in their business, or reading a tweet from someone at an event I wish I’d been invited to. However, these feelings aren’t restricted to life online.

Wherever comparison strikes, the question is, how can we deal with it?

Something I’ve learnt from working in the self-development world is that self-awareness and curiosity are key to unpacking difficult emotions. This is why I like to do a little internal digging when I feel comparison elbowing me in the ribs.

Here are a set of questions to help you understand what’s at the root of your comparison, and how you can move on in a positive way.

WHERE IS THE COMPARISON COMING FROM? This question is trickier than it sounds, because a great deal of our comparison feelings are grounded in societal expectations. For example, you may feel like your relationship with your partner isn’t as good as other people’s, because you constantly see representations in the media of what love ‘should’ look like.

The next time you find yourself comparing, ask yourself if it’s truly coming from you, or if it’s actually an external expectation? If it’s external or societal, ask yourself – how can I let this go?

WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON FOR YOU RIGHT NOW? Our brains are wonderfully complex, so it’s helpful to step back and look at the full picture when difficult feelings arise. Are you particularly stressed? Are you sleeping? Have you had any arguments lately that are hanging over your head?

All of these factors can make you more vulnerable to comparison.

If this is the case, give yourself some slack. Ramp up your selfcare and connect with a friend to talk it out. Consider whether or not something deeper is going on, and if you’d benefit from the support of a counsellor or coach.

Let comparison be a compass of sorts, gently guiding you to what you truly want WHAT IS THE COMPARISON TELLING YOU? Often, when we compare ourselves to someone, it’s because they have something we want. This is an opportunity to dig a little deeper and understand what your comparison is telling you – what is it you want more of in your life?

What qualities of this person/career/ lifestyle do you admire? What steps can you take to get closer to these?

Let comparison be a compass of sorts, gently guiding you to what you truly want. However, remember to check in again with where the comparison is coming from – it has to come from you for this question to work.

WHAT CAN I DO TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT THIS? By now you should have a clearer understanding of your comparison. So, it’s time to take action to help you move away from it. Here are some ideas to consider: • Block, mute or unfollow anyone triggering your comparison on social media. You can always go back and un-mute or follow when you’re in a better headspace.

• Take a break from social media altogether – especially if you find it triggering.

• Reach out to the person you’re comparing yourself to, and let them know you admire them – kindness and connection is a great comparison killer.

• Take positive action to do the thing you’re feeling jealous about.

You could take steps to launch your own business, or reach out to the event you want an invite to.

• Celebrate and amplify your uniqueness – your USP is you!

Shout about what makes you different, and embrace yourself as you are.

Living life 100% comparison-free may not always be possible, but armed with the right questions and mindset, you’ll be able to nip it in the bud, and move on quicker.

We’re busy people after all, and we have better things to be spending our energy on.

A life coach could help you overcome comparison and get closer to what you really want in life. Visit lifecoach-directory.org.uk August 2020 • happiful.com • 83

W THE CASE OF A

MISSING IDENTITY

Friend, partner, sibling, colleague, dog-person, cat-person, reader, walker, French horn player. Can you sum up your identity with tick-boxes, or is there a deeper ‘you-ness’ bubbling below the surface? With help from a psychotherapist, we explore what happens when we lose our sense of identity, and look at the ways we can get back in touch with the person we truly are Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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e all fit into different ‘boxes’, capturing our relationships, our roles in the world, and our interests – and from these boxes, we start to build an idea of our characters. But when it comes to developing a healthy and strong sense of identity, boxticking and labels can only take us so far, occasionally limiting our understanding of the mosaic, multifaceted people we are. And because our sense of identity is right at the core of everything we do – helping us stay away from things that cause us harm or inner-conflict, and connecting us with those who share our values – taking time to tune in couldn’t be more important.

“Having a sense of identity means knowing what makes us tick,” integrative psychotherapist Anne-Marie Alger explains, “what we like or don’t like, having an idea of where we fit in and belong in our lives, being able

to connect with people, and being able to initiate and sustain healthy relationships. It means that we can make the right choices for ourselves in meeting our needs, in choosing how we spend our time, and who we spend this with.”

A good understanding of our core qualities helps us navigate the world around us, and yet many of us will experience periods in our lives when our sense of identity slips – perhaps through patches of poor mental health, when our feeling of who we are is shaken as we’re less sure of our needs. As a result, we might experience an increase in social anxiety, low-confidence, and emotional numbness, or perhaps struggle to settle on an external image – drastically changing up our interests or our appearances.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with shopping around and trying new things. And we should neither beat ourselves up about being unsure about what we like or dislike, nor judge others who go through phases themselves. But for many, losing a sense of self can cause problems when it begins to undermine the boundaries we set with other people.

“People with a low sense of identity have a tendency towards peoplepleasing, at their own expense,” Anne-Marie explains. “They may seek constant approval from others, and worry excessively about what other people think of them.”

Anne-Marie goes on to explain how this may lead to emotional dependency. For example, we might only feel OK when someone close to us is feeling happy. This can quickly become a problem as, when

The most important relationship we can ever have is the one with ourselves, but we don’t always protect the time we need to invest in it we get to the crux of it, our overall wellbeing is dependent on how we feel about ourselves, and we need to get these cues from within rather than from others, who may not always be available and who may become drained over time.

Beyond this, Anne-Marie suggests that those struggling with identity may find maintaining relationships difficult, either because they’re wrapped up in a fear of rejection and so hold people at arm’s length, or – on the other end of the spectrum – may over-invest in relationships, merging into their partners, neglecting their values, and losing sight of who they are.

Cultivating a strong sense of ourselves is vital, so if we’re lacking, how can we get back on track?

“Spend some time getting to know yourself,” Anne-Marie suggests.

“The most important relationship

we can ever have is the one we have with ourselves, but we don’t always protect the time we need to invest in it. True investment in yourself is not about retail therapy or money, it’s about reflection, self-awareness, and personal growth. Creating a space to explore who you really are is essential.”

To do this, Anne-Marie recommends activities to increase our self-awareness and, by default, our sense of identity.

“Simple questioning and journaling can be a starting point to the ‘who am I?’ journey,” she advises. “Think about all the labels that you have attached to yourself over time. Are they ‘your’ labels or have you taken them on from other people – parents, family, friends, work colleagues?

How do these labels fit? How do you ‘wear’ them? How true and valid are they? How stuck are they? >>>

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A healthy sense of identity provides the opportunity to live a life that brings us purpose, gratitude and joy boundaries in our relationships, and share emotional and physical intimacy in our close relationships.

It means knowing and accepting ourselves deeply, and taking care to look after who we are, so that we can continually grow.”

Ultimately, when we take the time to really connect with the person that we are inside, with our passions and desires, our likes and dislikes, our motivations and the things that excite and thrill us, we’re giving ourselves permission to exist confidently in the world around us. And that’s something each and every one of us deserves.

“Explore your values. What matters to you most, and why?

Where have these values come from? How have they been shaped? How do they align with the life that you’re currently living?”

But for when we feel especially lost – and problems about our sense of who we are is starting to interfere with our daily lives, causing real, long-term damage to our relationships – counselling can offer support and guidance.

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As Anne-Marie sees it, counselling creates a space to explore what makes you ‘you’. Taking a closer look at your qualities and attributes without relying on validation from others, counselling can help you to break free from the labels that hold you back, or which don’t apply to the person you are today.

“A healthy sense of identity provides the opportunity to live a life that brings us purpose, gratitude, and joy,” adds Anne-Marie. “A strong sense of identity allows us to uphold healthy

Discover counsellors in your area, as well as online and telephone support, by visiting counselling-directory.org.uk

Anne-Marie Alger is an integrative psychotherapist offering short and longer-term counselling and psychotherapy from her private practice in Heaton, Bolton.

TRUE LIFE

After tragedy and loss, I took back control A glittering City career was beckoning, until a brutal murder turned Gian’s world upside down. But from adversity, he drew the strength to forge a new future, dedicated to helping others build happier lives Writing | Gian Power

O

utwardly, you would think my life was perfect, and until 2015 it really felt that way.

Graduating from university, spending time at Deutsche Bank, and about to embark on my career at PwC – life was great. I’m a competitive, performance-driven person, and if someone had mentioned mental wellbeing back in 2014, I wouldn’t have taken it seriously. Until everything came crashing down.

In May 2015, my father left for a business trip overseas and never returned. He was murdered, and my whole world turned upside down.

At 23, I found myself involved in an international murder investigation, liaising with government authorities, and fighting in the courts for justice. This continues, even today.

After three months away, I remember returning to work and being overwhelmed with the amount I was having to deal with. Working long hours, continuing to take my intense accounting exams, and looking after my family, while managing my father’s case throughout the night.

My body was constantly filled with emotions – from sadness to anger, confusion and panic. All

I knew was that I had to keep going in the name of my dad.

When the body of my father was flown back to Heathrow from India, I began planning his funeral to say our goodbyes. Some days later, however, we were told that it was not my dad’s body that had landed in the UK. To this day the uncertainty continues. It was a second major blow.

I began to realise that no matter how hard I worked, or how much energy I put into this, I could not control everything. I soon realised that there’s a lot I can’t control, and in fact there’s only one thing I can

control – and that’s how I respond to a situation.

Nobody can take that away from me.

It was at this moment that I realised I needed to look after myself, and take the concept of self-care seriously. They say you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help others, and this is exactly what I needed to do.

I began speaking openly with my colleagues at work about the challenges I was facing, I started putting a self-care routine in place, and what I saw was incredible. More and more people started sharing their stories with me, both in my teams at PwC, but >>> August 2020 • happiful.com • 87

I’m a very competitive, performance-driven person, and if someone had mentioned mental health and wellbeing back in 2014, I would not have taken it seriously Gian with his family

also in friendship groups, and friends-of-friends working in corporate organisations.

I soon realised that we all have a story we would like to share, if only more of us in business organisations would take the time just to stop and listen.

When I was able to speak to my team about how I felt, I realised I would work harder – go above and beyond – for those leaders who showed care and understanding. There was a direct link between kind leadership and increased productivity.

I saw the need for storytelling in companies.

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I knew I couldn’t change my past, but I had to do something to help others.

I had to try to ensure that anyone going through challenging times felt they could speak up about it at work; and I had to encourage more leaders to support their teams, as I had been supported.

After several years at PwC I decided to leave and launch TLC Lions – Lion is the middle name I share with my murdered father – and we are on a mission to ignite emotion and empathy among those in the corporate world.

I’ve brought together a collective of 25 ordinary

people with extraordinary stories – the Lions. The Lions (our speakers) share powerful yet uplifting sessions that are tailored to clients’ inclusion, wellbeing, or learning and development agendas.

Both our online series, and virtual and live events, bring emotion to life, and encourage employees to take action and feel inspired.

Our Lions include: • Dr Kamel Hothi, the UK’s first female Asian bank manager, who is now an

advisor to the Queen’s Commonwealth Trust, a global network of young changemakers.

• Jonny Benjamin, who was talked out of taking his own life in London by a stranger.

• Victoria Milligan, who lost her husband, daughter, and left leg during a speed boat accident off Padstow, Cornwall, in 2013.

We now support more than 150 companies, including EY, Sony, RollsRoyce, Tesco, Mastercard,

For more information see @Gianpower on LinkedIn and Instagram, email gian@tlclions.com, or go to youtube.com/gianpower

There was a direct link between kind leadership and increased productivity

and many more, to bring inclusion and wellbeing strategies to life. Today I’m proud to have an advisory board that includes experts from Harvard and MIT, as well as the HR Director of Rothschild & Co, and a senior partner from EY. Life has changed a lot for me in a short time. I’m now incredibly happy and do a lot to look after myself, and ensure I reflect and monitor my feelings.

Number one is my SHED – sleep, hydration,

exercise and diet. I constantly monitor my SHED, and if I don’t feel 100%, it’s usually because one of them is out of balance, so I adjust and correct myself.

Meditation has been a huge part of my life since 2015, and is something I practise every day. I feel so passionately about encouraging more people in the corporate world to meditate that I launched The Unwind Experience – transforming rooms in offices into candle-

lit oases, with Europe’s first surround sound meditation experience.

We’ve rolled this out with Deloitte, Universal Music, Hyatt, Bloomberg, and many more.

It’s important to me to use my experience and learning to help others.

Being on the board of This Can Happen, which empowers workplace mental health, as well as sharing my own story of wellbeing as a superpower, allows me to help others to be equipped to survive in times of difficulty, and to thrive every single day.

I’ve learnt a lot over the last few years and I’m committed to supporting others to lead happier lives.

OUR EXPERT SAYS After his father’s murder, Gian became overwhelmed with the emotional strain of the investigation, along with the pressure of his career, and supporting his family. He began to realise how draining trying to control these stressors were, and noticed how little he put into self-care.

After making a difference in his own life, he wanted to reach out and share some of the same practices for others to help themselves. It’s worth noticing that we can all help our mental health by making sure that we have a strong self-care regime, too.

Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) counsellor

August 2020 • happiful.com • 89

Mental health matters

Mental health matters to me because... we can have a more fulfilled and happier life if we know how to seek the right support. Identifying it helps us deal with stressful circumstances more effectively, alongside having your support system in place. I find it so important to recognise that we will all encounter some level of mental health issues throughout our life, and so we all need techniques to address it.

I cultivate a healthy mindset by... first respecting my mind and body, and then by being kind to myself and others through words and actions. The charity work I do is also really important to my mindset, as what I consume and surround myself with is crucial, as it influences my choices on a daily basis. I’m growing constantly and consistently to achieve my higher potential, not living in fear of the outcome. Find

out who you are, set goals, work towards them, and take action.

I first knew kickboxing was something I wanted to pursue... when I saw Bruce Lee and Muhammad Ali on television as a child, and I was fascinated by the sheer skill and discipline of these amazing human beings.

Kickboxing makes me feel... alive.

When I’m training, I’m being challenged mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

When I need support I... try to remember to be my best self each and every day, to live life in the present, and prepare for the future by being present.

When I need some self-care, I... take time out from my day to have long baths, enjoy classical music, talk and engage with others, and appreciate their point of view – even if it’s different to mine.

Image | Instagram: @ruqsanabegum_mt

In 2016, Ruqsana Begum became the world’s first female Muslim boxing champion. Despite facing prejudice and the weight of anxiety, depression, and chronic fatigue syndrome, Ruqsana went on to captain the British Muay Thai team, and made her professional boxing debut in March 2018. Here, she talks about the importance of support systems, and the tips she uses to stay focused on her goals People I find inspiring online are...

Joe Rogan, the American mixed martial arts commentator – I find his podcast really insightful. I also really enjoy listening to Dr Joe Dispenza, especially his ‘The Power of Your Thoughts’ talks.

Three things I would say to someone struggling are... take a deep breath, turn this situation into an opportunity – there is always a silver lining – and don’t judge the situation, embrace it.

The moment I felt most proud of myself was... when I finally accepted who I am. We all have gifts to share with the world, whether that’s being a good communicator or showing tenacity. It’s not how many times you get knocked down, it’s how many times you pick yourself up that counts.

‘Born Fighter’ by Ruqsana Begum, is out now (£12.99, Simon & Schuster).

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