6 minute read
Do You Identify as Hispanic/Latino? Yes or No
by Aubrey Chavarria
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I spent the first 12 years of my education living that moment every first day of school, substitute teacher, school assembly, and orientation. It doesn’t make me special, and it doesn’t make me different. But it did make me feel self conscious, about who I am for 12 years of my life.
This was my normal, I had never questioned my identity before. I was just another white girl with an “exotic” last name. But I wasn’t just another white girl. I’m hispanic and white, my dad is Nicaraguan, immigrated to the US at age 12. Grew up in LA from age 12, met my mom at 23 and the rest comes to now. He didn’t talk about it much with me growing up, and people brushed it off because I grew up in a small isolated part of suburbia. They knew my dad, thus they knew my story, and that was the end of it. I would just brush it off.
From 5 to 18, all I ever answered about being Hispanic were superficial questions. Diversity boxes on surveys or for school information, “Do you identify as Hispanic/Latino?” A check mark always placed in the “Yes” box. “Oh my god you’re so tan! Is it natural?”, yeah it is, I’m half hispanic. “Do you speak Mexican?”, and with the biggest eye roll I could produce I would say “It’s Spanish, but no.”
The questions I have received in the last 2 years here at Hamline from my friends, teammates, coaches, classmates, and professors have challenged me to look at those answers I gave in high school and go, why did I ever answer it that way? I met people and when I said my last name, it wasn’t a laugh and saying that they’ll just say Aubrey. People asked how to pronounce it, where it came from, where my parents were from. Questions galore. Questions that after 18 years made me really look into my identity below the surface level.
Why did I ever say, half hispanic? I am hispanic, no ratio or percentage takes that away from you. What did being hispanic mean to me? What does my heritage mean to me? Why did I ever push it away?
I turned to finally confronting the reason, it wasn’t shame, it was fear. Fear of not being accepted for who I was. Fear that I wasn’t enough, enough for this identity I was coming to realize is me. That I was too white washed for the hispanic community. A girl from Arizona with an immigrant father, who could not speak a lick of spanish. Too basic white girl to express my interest in Spanish music, art, and culture. That I was too hispanic for the white part of my identity, that I stick out like a sore thumb. The tan, the eyes, the obviously dyed blonde hair.
I had been and still am running away from this fear. Feeling awkward when announced that I was a National Hispanic Scholar and standing at high school graduation. When I wanted to join HALO as a freshman, but was too scared to show up. Now it was time to face this fear, and I got a ripe opportunity when my former coach submitted my name to represent Hamline at the NCAA convention.
My application was simple, I spoke my truth. Even though I was a science major, I loved swimming and had a passion for athletics. That in swimming I saw myself under-represented as a young hispanic woman. That I wanted to see change, and see myself on the deck in an administrative role. They accepted me. I got to represent my team, the university, and the MIAC conference at the national level.
Due to COVID, the conference was moved from DC to zoom. That did not stop one of the biggest lessons I ever learned. I met with 30 other student athletes from around the country also representing their school as an ethnic or racial minority who had a passion for collegiate athletics. I have never met a group of more authentic and genuine people. I owe these people more than they will ever know. They were my realization examples of what it looks like to be authentically yourself and secure in their ethnical identity.
I learned to talk about my experiences as a hispanic woman, and how in the past I glossed over both the good and the bad. In 3 days, I had become more secure in my identity than I had been in 20 years. I got my spot at a national convention, went through a line of multiple rounds of application reviews, and got picked because of me. Not because I filled the diversity boxes for someone or their benefit, for being the athlete and student that I am. I can fill the diversity boxes, but it only adds to what I have already done. I walked with a new confidence after that, a confidence in talking about myself, my dad, and my heritage. That being a hispanic/latinx woman was an integral part of me and that I would take nothing for being who I am.
My journey comes from my drive, from my dad. At 15 years old, a child in high school, began to apply for citizenship by himself. Being in a new country living in one of the largest cities in the world with his extended family, and doing that on his own. One of the most competitive and driven people I have ever met. Always wants to be at the top and does it on his own accord, does it by giving 110% and possibly being a little too much of a workaholic that he passed down to me. That my dad did all that to provide the best life that he could to his family and give me the opportunities he never had. That drives me everyday to work harder, to chase my dreams, and that realization made me do it not only as Aubrey the hispanic girl on paper, but in my everyday life living authentically.
My identity is still changing and forming, but with no fear in who I am. It has become a lot easier to know who I am. It’s not easy and your identity constantly evolves with you, but here I have had the opportunities and questions that finally got me to overcome the fear I placed on myself.
