I Deserve Better

poem by Emily Brown

Content Warning: abuse, mental illness

Sometimes, it will be the middle of the night

Or a random lazy afternoon

I’ll just be minding my own damn business

It always happens when I’m minding my own damn business

I remember one friend yelling at me on the bus that she doesn’t want to speak to me

She screamed at me

Like we had a massive fight the night before

And I had no right to even look at her

But, there was no fight

And I did nothing wrong

I know I didn’t

I know

Why?

Because she always used the same technique

One day, we were best friends

The next, she was criticizing me and telling me how much of a shitty person I was

Other times,

I will remember that other ‘friend’

Who acted like the older sister every girl wants

I question our whole friendship

She just used me to do what she wanted to

She used her sob story on me

And I did everything she told me to

I got a cold shoulder

I will never forget the long hug

And then, the comment that broke my heart a short hour later

When people talk about abusive relationships

They think about a romantic relationship or family

Almost no one talks about abusive friendships

I fell into the trap over and over again

Because I was lonely

And I needed anyone to be my friend

No matter how much they hurt me

It took finding some real friends

Who love and care about me

To realize the chain of toxic friendships I’ve been in

And I deserve better

I’m still learning that

I deserve better

We all do