A First Year of Growth

Healing can’t be learned in a classroom.

by Sydney Holets

Photo courtesy Syndey Holets

Trigger Warning: eating disorders, anxiety

For years, I dreamed of going to college. I couldn’t wait to be out of my small hometown, independent, and doing what I love. I applied to two schools, and Hamline was my top choice: great degree program, close but not too close to home, and I already knew and loved the Twin Cities area. I got accepted, and before I knew it, orientation began. Everyone I met was so welcoming, and Hamline’s Wesleyan value of “Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can as long as ever you can” resonated with the way I wanted to lead my life. I knew within my heart that I made the right choice by coming to Hamline.

The fall semester began, and though it was stressful, I was having the best time of my life. I had wonderful and supportive friends, was involved with campus organizations that I cared about, and was taking solely writing classes for the first time. My creative writing classes were especially fulfilling. My professors were engaging and encouraged me to challenge and expand my writing style. I ended the semester with self-publishing my first poetry chapbook, finishing my classes early, and winning the campus poetry slam. I felt beyond blessed for all the good that was happening in my life and for a great first semester of college.

The spring semester had a rough start with the freezing weather and class cancellations. Along with the weather’s disruptions, other areas of my life began to collapse at that same time. The first week of the semester, I started breaking down mentally, and old struggles suddenly came flooding back. I had been recovering from an eating disorder for two years, but all my body image issues came back that week, causing me to feel worthless and have difficulties bringing myself to eat.

It was so frightening to have these feelings return because I hadn’t felt this intensity in years. With my overwhelming thoughts, classes, job, and working on internship applications, my anxiety was peaking. I was frustrated because everything went so well in the fall, and now it was the exact opposite. I tried to get myself out of this negative space by talking to friends, being patient, and doing things that normally brought me out of a bad mindset. Nothing seemed to be working. I felt like I was sitting stagnant in fear and shame, if not sinking lower.

“I was frustrated because everything had gone so well in the fall, and now it was the exact opposite.”

A good friend and I were talking, and she recommended that I try going to therapy because when the usual methods of healing aren’t working, another option must be found. I had tried therapy years before, but never thought it worked for me, so I was apprehensive but kept it in the back of my mind. The following week I really focused on self-care and my own needs, and started to feel a little better. At that point, any improvement was a victory. Towards the end of the first month of the semester, things finally started looking up.

Now, I’m writing this during midterm week and reflecting on my trying start to the semester. I had one of the hardest months in years, but I am remembering that is how life works. Healing is not linear, and it is okay to fall back. Any progress is good progress and is worthy of celebration. This week, I scheduled my first therapy appointment in at least four years. I feel better about eating again, and I surround myself with supportive people who will see me and hold my hand when I need it. I am remembering that it’s okay to reach out and ask for help; I don’t have to be alone within my struggle.

My first two semesters at Hamline have been drastically different, but between classes, new experiences, and self-growth, I feel like it has been a well-rounded year that I wouldn’t change for anything. I’m thankful for the people I’ve met here who have given me a smile, heartfelt conversation, and space for me to become my best self. There’s no other place where I’d want to live and grow besides Hamline, and I can’t wait to take my first year here and do all the good I can with what I’ve learned.