GUTTER MAG ISSUE 3

ISSUE 3 NOVEMBER 2014

Print Editor-At-Large: Janet Katsnelson

Managing Editor: Nina Braca

Design Editor: Kelly Ryan

Assistant Design Editor Victoria Ottomano

Copy Editors: Lauren D’errico Innes Lukic

Writers: Abby Adams Alison Ahearn Yarra Berger Terence Brosnan Nina Braca Loisa Fenichell Bruce Hamilton Peter Katz Read More Tyler Resigno Ross Pannebecker Christ Stewart Jack Tomascak

Illustrators: Jason Fox Emily Grigsby Samantha Knightly LB

Face Swaps

Max Mahler

Photographers: Olivia Battell Nina Braca Alison Ahearn Maximum Russell Jeff Samuels

Cover by: Alison Ahearn

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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Music is the only thing I am comfortable having in common with everyone. This is truer no where more than here at school.

Be it shared memories, nostalgia, obsession, or distaste, I have certain songs or bands associated with every single person I know. Even if I just kind of know you. Even if you only bumped into me at the Hub that one time, I was listening to Triangle by BADBADNOTGOOD and I will probably remember that for as long as that honey mustard stain will be on my shirt (so, forever). If we’ve ever experience or talked about or shared anything sonic, there is a musical footnote in my brain and it’s just for you.

The music culture at Purchase is something I hold so near and dear it literally hurts sometimes (shouts to that Man Man show last year. My ankle hasn’t been the same since). Not only my taste, but more importantly the ways in which I appreciate and conceptualize music have changed so much since I’ve gotten here. For example, I have learned that music elitism grinds my gears to the point of no return. I don’t judge anyone for what they listen to or how they feel about it. Rather, those opinions and subsequent conversations allow me to learn more about the person, music, and myself. The latter is equal parts terrifying and rewarding. I will never like the Beatles. Ever. However, I can still appreciate that Zoe and Mike think they’re really good and I can’t ignore their influence on a lot of music that I do love. I’m so grateful to have developed and become conscious of things like this, even though the Beatles do and forever will suck.

There are a lot more things I could write about music but frankly I do not have the time, ink, or emotional capacity to do so.

Rather, I invite you to stop by a meeting so that you can listen to White Flag by Dido on repeat and maybe even join our staff?

Love, Gutter Mag is a non-profit magazine, paid for by the Mandatory Student Activities Fee. Gutter Mag is a forum for campus culture related content.

Any opinions expressed are those of the writers, not those of Gutter Mag, its editors, or the PSGA. We accept submissions but the publication of those submissions is not guaranteed but subject to the discretion of the editors. Send all inquiries to purchaseguttermag@gmail.com

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TABLE OF CONTENTS DON’T BE OBNOXIOUS AT THE JOYCE MANOR SHOW

Alison Ahearn 5

VICE IS KILLING THE DIY SCENE

Tyler Rescigno 10

HORRORCORE HISTORY

Tyler Rescigno 9

ALEX G

Loisa Fenichell 11

WHY? BECAUSE YONI WOLF

Nina Braca 13

SOUND BITES

Abby Adams 17

GOOD TUNES FOR GETTING THAT NEW PAIR OF PURPLE BOOTS

Read More 18

ANXIETY, CAMERA TRICKERY, AND DECEPTION, IN ALEJANDRO GONZÁLEZ IÑÁRRITU’S BIRDMAN

Terence Brosnan 25

THESE AREN’T TACKY AND YOU SHOULDN’T HATE THEM

Chris Stewart 27 3

ROSS YELLING AT YOU ABOUT MUSIC

Ross Pannebecker 31

TWO ALBUMS I SHOULD HATE, BUT DON’T

Bruce Hamilton 35

MUSIC SHOULDN’T “SHOULD”

Peter Katz 37

THIS ST*FF IS IMPORTANT

Jack Tomascak 39

STILLBIRTH / CYCLICAL

Loisa Fenichell 41

ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL 19) You will Google search “dogs in blankets” more than you would like to admit.

TAURUS (APRIL 20 - MAY 20) True to your Taurus ways, you’ve probably asked a girl to “jam” at least 3 times this month when you really intended to bone her. Hint: she knows what you’re up to. Double hint: we all do.

GEMINI (MAY 21 - JUNE 20) The weeks to come will most likely be a bit odd for you.

You realized something funny was in the air when your phone fell off your bed, sparking the usual bout of tears/ existential crisis. Whatever the stars have in store for you this month, just remember: Parks and Rec is a thing. A thing that is on Netflix.

CANCER (JUNE 21 - JULY 22) The next few weeks you’ll probably wake up thinking a lot of ‘probablys’. Stuff like “I should probably get a new tattoo,” or “I should probably not have eaten 3 Kraft self-serving mac n’ cheeses,” or “I should probably call my parents,” or “I should probably go to the doctor,” and “I should probably not have slept this late.”

LEO (JULY 23 - AUGUST 22) You like a boy so white he bought the girl he likes (who isn’t you) two separate chai lattes (one hot and one cold, obviously, he is a prince after all), proceeding to tell you this while you were 420 blazing in the woods. There is no god. Only darkness.

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22 - DECEMBER 21) You’ve just figured out how to do those color filter things on Snapchat, and now flood everyone’s feed with selfies.

This is also paired with the sad realization that you really, really like attention. Go on with your bad self.

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22 - JANUARY 19) You’ll find yourself unable to stop writing horribly literal Yik Yaks. You drank more boxed wine than you’d like to admit by yourself while watching Sex and the City reruns.

Just kidding, they weren’t reruns. Just kidding, you own a box set. Just kidding, the void is real, empty, and coming to swallow you whole. I’d like a cosmopolitan. I bet you would, too.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20 - FEBRUARY 18) You can’t stop eating cheese and talking about Comic Con. You bought a bass guitar just so that when a person said “all we need is a bassist” you could turn the corner.

To your surprise, this did happen to you but you left it at home. What the fuck, man?

PISCES (FEBRUARY 19 - MARCH 20) Do your fucking paper instead of staying up late creating sad acoustic playlists. The stars and sky might understand the life of lo-fi love, but your professor sure as hell doesn’t. In other news, they’ll text you back.

by Yarra Berger

VIRGO (AUGUST 23 - SEPTEMBER 22) Nothing on the inside, nothing on the outside.

LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23 - OCTOBER 22) You’re caught in the middle and don’t know what to do, as usual. You’re broke. You came extremely close to buying a prepackaged cheeseburger from the More Store. What you’re doing, nobody knows. But you still look alright.

SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23 - NOVEMBER 21) Your chart has been read, and it’s red all over. Blushing luck will come to you in the following weeks, hopefully in the form of a cutie-cute band boy who knows all your favorite Smiths songs. Do you deserve it? Duh. Will you accept it? That’s one for you to find out.

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DON’T BE OBNOXIOUS AT THE JOYCE MANOR SHOW

by Alison Ahearn Recently, there has been a lot of controversy surrounding punk band Joyce Manor after their lead singer Barry Johnson’s negative reaction to stage diving at shows. On more than one occasion, Johnson has called out stage divers, brought them on stage, or told them to leave the show completely. Most of the very eloquent arguments against the singer’s request for a safer environment at his shows range from “lamest band,” to “what a pussy.” A huge chunk of fans are thanking him. If you’ve ever been a girl at a punk show, you might be one of them.

There are two main incidents circling online that were caught on tape. On both occasions, Johnson stopped in the middle of a song to call out boys he saw stage diving who, in his eyes, were being too reckless or hurting other members of the crowd.

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The first time, Johnson pulled the diver on stage and proceeded to ask how tall he was and how much he weighed. He then turned to the girl and said, “How much do you weigh?

I’m sorry that’s really rude, but you’re much smaller than him, right? It’s completely unacceptable for him to impose himself on top of you. Completely unacceptable.” He thanked the girl and turned to the stage diver, politely asking him, with a handshake, to not do it again.

During the next incident, things began similarly. However, he spent a lot more time arguing with audience members who got angry with him, repeatedly stating that if they didn’t agree with him, they could leave. He ended with, “I’m telling you how I would appreciate you to treat other people at our fucking show.”

Johnson followed up these incidents with a few tweets from the Joyce Manor account. He addressed that his reactions may have been intense,but retained his stance on the issue and continued to defend women at shows.

So many people immediately reacted to the situation with anger and disappointment, but failed to realize that Barry Johnson speaking up about this is fucking huge. Not only was he trying to make it clear the a Joyce Manor show was not an appropriate place for such rowdy and violent crowd behavior, but he was also acknowledging the fact that it is most often girls who get the brunt of it.

The “punk” scene is full of misogyny. It is a male dominated scene and girls are so often made to feel like they are not welcome in it.

As a girl who has attended my fair share of punk shows, I can confirm. And it’s bullshit.

Punk shows are described by so many bands and fans as a place where everyone should feel welcome and included, so why as soon as someone tries to ensure that that’s the case are so many people angry? This whole situation is just another example of how sweaty teenage boys get upset as soon as they have to alter their behavior to make other people a little more comfortable.

On top of simply treating people at shows with respect, Johnson was also saying that it was just not the environment for stage diving and violent behavior. He stated outright during one of the incidents that “there are people who are intelligent and who don’t act like they’re at a hardcore show when they’re not at a fucking hardcore show.” It’s not that stage diving is a bad thing, it’s just that there is a time and place for it. A Joyce Manor show isn’t it. Maybe to some degree fans should be aware of the risks of being in a crowd, but the band they’re seeing should still be indicative of what to expect from the crowd. At a hardcore show, the crowds are bound to be rough. Both the bands and the fans expect stage diving and they will get it. At certain more ‘mellow’ shows, stage diving and rough behavior is just corny and out of place. To be honest, it just makes you look like an asshole.

Personally, I think Joyce Manor speaking up about creating a safer place for everyone at their shows is awesome. The fact that they defended girls in particular is even better. Misogyny in the punk scene is rarely addressed and I hope their comments at least bring a little but of light to the issue.

Above all, the most important thing is respect. Mutual respect between bands and their fans, and the respect for everyone in the community. Don’t go to a show expecting to hurt people and get angry when someone tells you to relax. Hopefully, punk shows can continue to become a place for people to have fun and feel welcome, and issues like this won’t be ignored.

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SAM KNIGHTLY’S MOM, ALLISON KNIGHTLY

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VICE IS KILLING THE DIY SCENE

by Tyler Rescigno

By now, New Yorkers should be accustomed to quickly walking with their heads down past the John Varvatos and Chipotle restaurants that occupy the space where The Ramones became punk legends and the late Lou Reed defined the City’s underground like they were someone passing out flyers for a comedy club.

But we’re not. While we’ve almost gotten over the fact that CBGB’s is now a high-end department store, the venues that have helped us move on are now shutting their doors.

This year will see the closing of three DIY venues that have hosted some of the biggest and most influential musical names spanning every genre. Death By Auto, 285 Kent and Glasslands, three Williamsburg venues in close proximity, will all have closed their doors by the time the New Year comes around. These venues have hosted everyone from DIIV to Grimes to Frank Ocean.

As these three genre and culture defining venues will be closing, Vice will be moving in.

Vice has been rising fast as a news source and will soon become one of the leaders in reporting with CNN. Vice is a global organization that highlights and uses the DIY aesthetic to attract readers but has never really been so, since it’s inception. Vice has expanded from a government funded Canadian magazine to a global news organization that has a significant $70 million investment from Rupert Murdoch.

It has also received a $250 million investment from A&E networks and an HBO series. Now Vice is receiving a $6.5 million tax break from the New York City to keep their headquarters in Brooklyn and not Los Angeles because of the 525 new employees to be hired. Vice will now occupy the 60,000 square foot building that previously hosted 285 Kent and currently hosts, for a short time, both Glasslands and Death By Audio.

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While no one has fully commented on the reason for the closings —Vice representatives have been especially quiet on the issue by consistently declining to make any comment — it is hard to look past the idea that Vice is forcing the venues out. Three closings in the same year that Vice has purchased the building is not a coincidence. Neither is Vice’s article, “Why the Closing of 285 Kent Doesn’t Matter,” in which it is ignorantly stated that “285 Kent is precisely the sort of place that pops up in a given city and lasts until the cops shut it down one time too many” when in reality, the owners of 285 Kent have made significant, effective efforts before their closing to reduce the number of times the police were involved.

The only individual that gave any insight into the process of Vice buying the space was Drew Connor. Conner worked closely with Sol and Leo Markowitz, the owners of the building, to ensure that Vice would receive the space because the venues, according to Commercial Observer, were not fulfilling their post gentrification potential. “All it would take,” Commercial Observer reports, “was the Markowitz brothers agreeing to simultaneously terminate the existing leases, empty the properties and create a full space the right size for Vice.”

Because Vice has efficiently forced these three beloved venues out of the building, Death by Audio and Glasslands will be no more by the end of 2014. 285 Kent’s owner, Ric Leichtung told Gawker that “the landlord has been waiting for a pay day like this for years.”

But hey, as Connor put it, “it would be one thing if all of those … traditional Williamsburg tenants were being replaced by JP Morgan’s digital media group, but that wasn’t the case.

It’s Vice.” It now seems that there may not be much of a difference.

JASON FOX 10

ALEX G

Interview by Loisa Fenichell It was a blustery, chilly, and wet night when I interviewed musician Alex Giannascoli – more commonly known as Alex G. – outside of the Stood. It was November 1st,Fall Fest, and Alex G. and his band had just put on a wonderful set for the students of SUNY Purchase.

LF: You started out as being a part of a “group” of lo-fi bands and artists (e.g., Julia brown and elvis depressedly) and have, since then, become quite successful (more so than these other bands). Do you still identify with these other artists (if, that is, you ever identified with them?)

AG: I never really thought about it like that before, honestly, although, yeah, I guess the music we make is lo-fi, yeah. I mean, the music we’ve been making isn’t really changing, so yeah, I guess so.

LF: Speaking of other artists, who (or what) inspires you, be it other musicians, places, people you’re close to, etc.?

AG: It changes all of the time, but right now Lucinda Williams and a band called True Widow and nice people I meet.

LF: Very cool! Any other bands you like listening to?

AG: I listen to a lot of radio, Shelf Life, other Philly bands, Lenny Kravitz.

LF: At this point, somebody came up to him to ask him how it felt to perform at SUNY Purchase a second time, and so I decided it would be appropriate to ask him about performing at college campuses versus at other venues.

AG: I don’t really have a preference, although usually college students are more receptive, so probably colleges.

LF: Oh, and what do you like best about performing?

AG: The power, being loud.

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LF: Speaking of colleges: you attended Temple University; how much of an impact did your education there have on your career as a musician?

AG: Lots of students have house shows there, and in high school I was in a different band and we ended up playing at a lot of parties around there, which was my main reason for going to Temple. Real music and musicians there. So definitely an impact.

LF: Did you always want to be a musician?

AG: Yeah, yeah, I think so. When I was younger I used to draw a lot and play music, so I knew I wanted to be involved in art somehow, but I had the most success in music. And my brother has perfect pitch and was always playing the piano, so that had an effect, too.

LF: Is there anything else that you’d like to do career wise at some point, in addition to being in a band?

AG: I can’t do this forever, because people get old and become irrelevant, so yeah, it’d be cool to be a writer, maybe publish a book of lyrics or poetry.

LF: Do you have a set process when it comes to writing your music?

AG: Melody comes first, and then usually I’ll have lyrics sitting around, or I’ll write lyrics to fit around the melody. It’s easier to write the melody.

LF: I’m sure you’ve worked some odd jobs before, gotta make money in college somehow.

What’s the strangest one been?

AG: I worked at a construction site once, and I was the youngest one there and much more inexperienced. Oh! And I worked at a retirement home where I got yelled at a lot by old people.

LF: Any last words?

AG: I don’t think so!

WHY? BECAUSE YONI WOLF

You change and develop. Its more of an ongoing process. That’s what it is rather than just an end result of that song you hear, its really more about that process of learning.

WHY? headlined Fall Fest earlier this month,

NB: So you are going on tour this winter in Florida.

YW: Yes, with Austronautalis.

Interview by Nina Braca

performing a set of eclectic alternative hip-hop jams to a packed (and rowdy) crowd. The day before, I was able to speak over the phone with Yoni Wolf, the man behind the headlining act. As a singer, musician and lyrically talented writer, Wolf was the perfect candidate for a Q&A for our music issue.

He answered my many questions regarding tour, his music inspirations and if he had any plans for halloween (he didn’t).

NB: You have been involved in a lot of music projects for many years, I’m wondering what you’re greatest influences are?

YW: Oh, you know, thats an age old hard one. Once you’re doing it for a long time, it goes way beyond trying to emulate anything, or trying to pull a strong influence from any particular thing. You just kind of get your own voice as an artist and you just kind of go with that. That being said…there are many things, you know, I might be influenced by. A documentary I watch about outer space or something, or I might be influenced by a conversation I have with someone, or maybe from other music, like I hear a song and that might spark an idea for me. So, you know it’s too wide of a thing to pinpoint, but music for me is really my whole life in many ways. Its a natural part of me, you know?

NB: Definitely!

YW: So anything that goes on in my life can influence my art.

NB: Did it take you a while to find your own place in your music?

YW: Its definitely an ongoing process of learning who I am and what output to have as an artist, you know, its definitely an ongoing thing, but at some point I did get more comfortable with myself, but then I go through periods where I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing. So it goes in and out. And in the beginning I was floundering but I loved it so much that you know, you just gotta keep doing it, and you learn and get a little stronger. You go through periods where you start to feel really strong and you know who you are and what you want, but then you might go through periods right after that where you go ‘wait, was I right about that? Thats not who I am anymore.’

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NB: What have your tour experiences been in the past? Where is your favorite place to tour?

YW: I like traveling in general. I love going to new places and having new experiences, for sure. But it will definitely be nice for the Florida tour cause it will be sort of warm down there and I will be coming from winter, so thats always nice.

NB: Where do you see yourself in the next few months, what are your plans and where are you going from there?

YW: Well, I’m working on a bunch of material. I’m not sure where I’ll end up, but I’m just trying to find my way and follow what seems natural as a writer, and figure out what everything will become and all that other stuff later. Thats not as important, you know?

I’m just trying to find that creative spirit.

NB: Great. So this is for our music issue, I was wondering if you could tell me what your favorite album of all time is.

YW: Favorite? I don’t have that. It changes over time.

I have periods where I listen to something a lot then move onto something else, you know.

NB: So you don’t have one favorite?

YW: No, I don’t. Whats yours?

NB: I have a bunch! I can’t pinpoint one either.

YW: Thats a hard question to respond to!

NB: Is there anything else you’d like to mention?

YW: We are excited for [Fall Fest]. I’ve been told its a fun festival to play.

NB: Have you been up to anything for halloween?

YW: You know, we’re just posted up in a hotel. I don’t think we’ll really get into the halloween spirit. I don’t know! I’m not, I don’t have a costume or anything.

Maybe some of us will. But, you know, we’ll see.

NB: Thanks so much for talking to me!

YW: My pleasure, Nina!

NB: See you at the show!

YW: Sounds good, say hi.

SOUND BITES

by Abby Adams

SEXY MOCHA CUPCAKES: This simple recipe only requires boxed cake mix, which will be kicked up a bit by some substitutions and add-ins. I dip these cupcakes into homemade chocolate ganache to make them the ultimate sexy cupcakes. These treats are great for any occasion, and help wake you up on those freezing Friday nights.

CUPCAKES: •Buy your favorite chocolate cake mix.

•Follow the recipe as written, however, substitute the water for an equivalent amount of cooled coffee.

•Stir in one 6 oz. package of semi-sweet chocolate chips.

•Add in ½ tsp. of vanilla extract.

•Pour the batter into lined cupcake tins, and bake following the directions on the cake mix box.

•While the cupcakes are in the oven, prepare the ganache. This can be done very simply in the microwave.

GANACHE: •Break up three bars of your favorite dark chocolate. Put them into a microwave safe bowl.

•Add 1 tbsp. of heavy cream or milk to the bowl.

•Microwave for 15 second intervals, stirring between each to ensure that the chocolate melts. Keep an eye on it as it microwaves, there’s nothing worse than burnt chocolate!

The more you stir, the shinier the ganache will become.

PREPARE: •Once the cupcakes are done baking and have cooled, dip the top of each cupcake into the ganache.

•Let the frosted cupcakes cool some more, so the ganache sets.

•Eat with the sexiest person

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DARK CHOCOL ATE + COFFEE = SEXY CHOCOL ATE + COFFEE+ ARCTIC MONKEYS = SEXIER I’m pairing these cupcakes with Arctic Monkeys songs for a few reasons: •Chocolate has a subtly round flavor and an unctuous quality to it. These albums are accompanied in such a way that makes them sound sonically large. This depth and richness contributes to the unctuous quality in these records. Sexiness achieved.

•Dark chocolate = smooth and brooding like Alex Turner. It’s not too sweet, and that is what makes it perfectly sexy.

Musical Pairing: Arabella by Arctic Monkeys: The lyrics in the bridge speak for themselves.

“That’s magic in a cheetah print coat. / Just a slip underneath it I hope. / Asking if I can have one of those organic cigarettes that she smokes. / Wraps her lips ‘round a Mexican coke, makes you wish that you were the bottle, takes a sip of your soul and it sounds like…”

I Wanna Be Yours by Arctic Moneys: Arctic Monkeys set a revised version of John Cooper Clarke’s poem to music for this track.

This song also references coffee “If you like your coffee hot, let me be your coffee pot. You call the shots babe, I just wanna be yours”.

This song epitomizes lust and devotion at the same time. Also, the ambient quality in the accompaniment increases the sensual impact of the verses. * The record that the two preceding songs come from, “AM” masterfully utilizes tendency tones which increase the weight of the instrumentation on all of the tracks, which contributes to the general sensuality of the record.

My Propeller by Arctic Monkeys: This track is chock full of allusions to sexual acts, and has a sense of urgency to it, which gives the song an explicit air of lust.

GOOD TUNES FOR GETTING THAT NEW PAIR OF PURPLE BOOTS

by Read More Raiding is serious shit, yo. Not only have you worked your ass off for the past 2 months getting all item level 232 and up stuff from various raids like the remade Onyxia’s Lair and the ever so annoying Heroic Halls of Reflection, you have to prove to a minimum of 9 other strangers on the internet that you are competent enough to play this game with them without failing to do your assigned button mashing. So you’re grabbing your bags of Doritos, putting that textbook underneath your laptop, and making sure your parents are asleep before logging into your guild’s ventrilo server and fucking around in front of the trash mobs when you realize that you need some dope ass music to get you in the right mood for slaying flesh abominations. All of these songs can easily be found by searching for them on Youtube.

I Play W.O.W. by Jace Hall: You’ve got to start the night off right with the perfect song, so what other way to get yourself in the mood to play some World of Warcraft than listening to a song that literally reminds what game you are currently playing in an attempt to escape the horrors of real life. My boy Jace here is just trying to play some games but no one understands him at all, not even his mom or his girlfriend! I mean, come on. Whats wrong with belittling the worries of your girlfriend and parents?

Speaking of which, how does this guy even have a girlfriend? He’s as emotionally open as a rock...

before contributing his pathetic 2.5k DPS. Getting back on topic, this song is telling you that in order to play World of Warcraft at an elite level, you should just play every single day and shirk your real life responsibilities. I think I’m starting to notice a theme here.

Just Loot It by Nyhm: FUCK. WE FINALLY BEAT THIS FUCKING BOSS. HOLY SHIT. Hehe... Heheheheheehehahahaha. You ever feel like you put in more work than someone else, and that you should get their reward too? No that would be stealing wouldn’t it? And I’m no thief of course. I’m a ninja. :^) Nyhm tells us all about that in his rendition of the timeless tale of the ninja looter.

Flag Running by Druidboyz Ft. Asiko: The raid’s over, you’ve already paid the 25 bucks for your name change, and you’re trying to wind down a bit by queuing up for a nice battleground. Voilà! Ye olde Warsong Gulch! This is where the champions get 34 killing blows and the losers fall victim to that one warrior with the 34 killing blows. Anyway, this is where you do your job as a rogue and assassinate the fuck out of everyone with your sick new items and escort your team to victory single-handedly. Damn son, how’d you get so good at this game? It doesn’t even matter because if you keep this up you’ll have your whole team chanting WEWONBOYS

Learn 2 Play (You’ve Got To Play W. O. W) by Myndflame: Sometimes you get stuck at a tough boss like Lord Marrowgar, you know, the first one in the fucking instance, and you need some motivation to get past this tough encounter. Especially when that one shitty rogue, the one who only joined your guild because he thinks you’re a really good rogue and wants to be like you, keeps getting cleaved by the boss and dying in 1.82 seconds flat

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ANXIETY, CAMERA TRICKERY, AND DECEPTION, IN ALEJANDRO GONZÁLEZ IÑÁRRITU’S BIRDMAN Synopsis and Analysis by Terence Brosnan

Alejandro González Iñárritu’s Birdman follows former action star Riggan Thomson (Michael Keaton) as he attempts to reclaim his fame by adapting a Raymond Carver play to the Broadway stage. Thomson and his producer/best friend, played by the surprisingly serious Zach Galifianakis, struggle to control legal and professional aspects of the adaptation, as an actor is injured and is replaced by the wildly unpredictable Michael (Edward Norton). On top of that, Thomson suffers from schizophrenia as his past action character, Birdman, increasingly haunts his subconscious as the film progresses. The story follows the stage production from the rehearsal phase to the opening night, where madness ensues. ​

Never has a movie lied to me in such a way as Alejandro González Iñárritu’s Birdman. On top of that, never have I have wanted to live in this lie since wanting to believe in Santa Claus as a kid. With the appearance of being only a small handful of shots, the seemingly excessive (and impressive) long takes are in fact an editing illusion by the director of photography.

While watching the film, however, I was so engrossed in the always-mobile and unstoppable power of Iñárritu’s camera. Following the characters of the film, with a focus on Michael Keaton’s Riggan Thomson, through one building and its exterior, the film never feels to drag thanks to its filmic style.

Exploring Thomson’s anxiety of losing his identity and his mind, the camera’s surface appearance of extremely lengthy shots embodies as well as emphasizes the presence of discomfort. As you watch the film, there are moments of heightened awkwardness with the struggling of Thomson’s project. Whether it’s the image of Keaton running through Times Square in his underwear or saying horribly inappropriate things to his ex-wife and daughter, the film confronts the viewer with embarrassment. In what would be humor in other films (Keaton running in a crowd in his underwear), the presence of failure and anxiety make these situations horribly unsettling. The narrative is not the only element adding to this effect, as the anxiety

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of the filmmaking itself strips the humor from these sequences.

With the lack of any trace of true cuts between shots, the audience is anxiously waiting to get a break from the narrative. The camera is always moving and in close proximity with the characters, making the audience urge for some distance, for a reprieve from the madness and rapid filming. Not only does the frantic and unrelenting lack of “cuts” conjure a feeling of anxiety, it brings the actual process of filming to the forefront of the audience’s mind. Because of the bluntly unusual and quick visual presentation of the film, it’s quite an arduous task to not recognize the camerawork as the narrative unfolds. Through this recognition comes another anxiety, one dealing with a hope for reaching perfection in a sense.

As I watched what I thought were continuous shots of action, after each passing minute I found myself worried that the shot would end and it would progress as most other films. Attached to this waiting to see how long the shot will go is a new degree of anxiety: you fear an impending cut that will ruin the long takes. You don’t want the first shot to be a special thing, you want it to be the only thing, and that pulls you deeper into the story and deeper into the filming as well. There are two moments, aside from the climax which includes several quick cuts, where there are more obvious cuts: where the viral video of Thomson in

his underwear is shown on a phone and then it changes to be on a tv in a different building, and when the sun glares and white out the screen to return to a different location.

Even though the pace rarely takes a break from these more apparent cuts, there is a sense of disappointment that comes after each cut and sense of heightening anxiety between each elongated take. Again, this coincides with the extreme anxiety of the film, and also the confusion of it. As one feels this anxiety of leaving the camera, and a similar feeling from the opposing idea of being to close to everything, the viewer is confused as which is stronger. With so many ideas and real-life concerns in the film, this confusion is completely intentional.

Narrowing down the film’s many concerns to the film industry, there are countless mentions of real actors, filmmakers, and their real projects (Jeremy Renner and Robert Downey Jr. being unavailable because of their involvement in The Avengers 2, for instance). Because the film references so many big names, a sense of confusion about what world this takes place in occurs. Big names mixed with this falsified Riggan Thomson adds yet another ambiguity to the film’s overall confounding nature. Late in the film Birdman gives a monologue explaining that people like to see action porn movies, which the film progresses to show a battle sequence, commenting on the state of the film industry.

Furthering this confusion is the pure lie that is fed to the audience with the illusion of the few takes rather than the revealing large number of shots edited seamlessly together. Iñárritu lies to the audience to make them believe this, but it is not true.

Even though the constantly moving and uncut camera has a profound effect on the film as I just discussed, the lie is even more purposeful. What makes the film so grand in spectacle is precisely its style of

long takes and remarkable appearance.

Yes, it is still immensely impressive and difficult to edit the film to achieve this look, but it would be much harder on a larger scale of people if it was in fact done in those small number of takes.

We as an audience are deceived into believing this film is a masterwork, which it still very much is, but that is in itself a part of the film’s concern. When Thomson actually shoots himself on stage, when a neighbor apathetically asks if he is shooting a film or trying to kill himself, when Thomson gives Michael a lie about his childhood, there is a continued unreliability to the film and its characters. Iñárritu shows more lies, in the form of personalities with Sam and Michael in particular, and in art as well, with theater and action films. Being a great filmmaker and being hyperaware of the themes and ideas presented to the audience, Inarritu presents the biggest lie in his filmmaking, making people think it is all one shot when it’s not. This is a perfect example of style matching its content. So many times you see stylistic films that look stylistic for the sake of looking stimulating, but here not only does the film look beautiful, but it’s a perfect companion to the narrative, something that takes skill.

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THESE AREN’T TACKY AND YOU SHOULDN’T HATE THEM

by Chris Stewart

Vital to our everyday emotions, whether they are happy, sad, angry or drunk –music speaks to all generations and cultures on every level. Music resonates with every moment of our lives. We are as audio dependent as we are visual. Music transcends language and speaks to the emotional realm of our souls and subconscious mind. Below is a list of films that celebrates making, performing, listening and failing in music.

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE (2007) Love-strung Jude makes the move from England to America during the height of the Vietnam War. Here Jude will endure friendship, revolt, frustration and love. Set to a plethora of hits from the Beatles, this movie has much more to offer than Evan Rachel Wood’s soft voice and angelic face – it will leave you hugging the ones you keep close and wishing weed was legal in all 50 states.

IMDB: 7.5 | GUTTER: 8.2 THE RUNAWAYS (2010)

The Runaways (2010) – Director Floria Sigismondi takes us on the tumultuous ride that is the friendship between Joan Jett and Cherie Currie and their instantly successful femme fatal band, The Runaways. With artistic shots and a modern view on the 70’s sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll revolution; this film offers a killer soundtrack with Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning as you have never seen them before.

The Disney masterpiece that launched a musical phenomenon is a true tale of friendship and first love. With Troy and Gabriella anything is possible. With an original soundtrack sure to make you want to join Musical Theatre Club, HSM is a story of maneuvering those awful high school halls with a smile on your face and a song in your heart.

IMDB: 5.1 | Gutter: 10 COYOTE UGLY (2000)

Tyra Banks shines and has a few America’s Next Top Model panel-eqsue lines for her new friend Violet in this movie. Aspiring lyricist Violet makes the smart move out of New Jersey and into Manhattan where she gets a job at an awesome bar/tacky-cabaret. Along the way, she falls for a hot European and lands her actual dream job, duh! By the way, it’s based on a real NYC bar. Go.

IMDB: 5.6 | GUTTER: 8.3 SCHOOL OF ROCK (2003)

You’re tacky and I hate you if you don’t like this movie.

Jack Black, Miranda Cosgrove and pre-teen Purchase students tell the story of one left over metal-head’s quest to win a battle of the bands contest with a seventh grade class. Moral of the story: you’re not hardcore unless you live hardcore, dude.

IMDB: 7.1 | GUTTER: 8

ALMOST FAMOUS (2000) A textbook story of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll.

Almost Famous will make you happy, sad and yearning for a time when journalism was cherished (or maybe that’s just me). A heartfelt tale of a boy’s untimely deflowering, this movie is so much more than just Kate Hudson’s exposed lower abdomen.

IMDB: 6.6 | GUTTER: 7.4

IMDB: 7.9 | GUTTER: 7.5

INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS (2013)

DETROIT ROCK CITY (1999)

Based around a melancholic folk singer in 1963 New York City, the Coen brothers bring us a thoughtful and intelligent film on what folk music was just before the Bob Dylan reign. Mixed with real life comedy and a somewhat unsuitable Justin Timberlake cameo, Inside Llewyn Davis [3] is the tale of a true musician in search of someone who will really listen.

IMDB: 7.5 | GUTTER: 6.1 27

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL (2006)

Kid goes to reform school because psychotic mom, friends break him out to see Kiss. Dealing mostly with teenage angst and a love for 80’s metal, it is a relatable tale. Comedic in its stupidity, deliberate in message that Kiss was important, Detroit Rock City celebrates the dimwittedness of teenage boys and what it means to be a true friend.

IMDB: 6.8 | Gutter: 7

ROSS YELLING AT YOU ABOUT MUSIC

by Ross Pannebecker

HELLO MY NAME IS ROSS PANNEBECKER I LIKE MUSIC A LOT AND IT IS ALWAYS NICE TO DISCOVER NEW MUSIC BUT THERE IS SO MUCH OF IT AND OFTENTIMES IT IS TEDIOUS TO PORE OVER MUSIC BLOGS AND THE LIKE SO HERE I HAVE MADE FOR YOU (YES YOU) SOME QUICK LIL SNIPPETY ALBUM REVIEWS SO THAT YOU CAN KEEP UP WITH YOUR BUSY 21ST-CENTURY LIFE, ALL CAPS BECAUSE I AM YELLING 1989 - TAYLOR SWIFT (BIG MACHINE): I LIKE THE APHEX TWIN MASHUP MORE, THIS IS OKAY 3/5 FLYING LOTUS - YOU’RE DEAD! (WARP): WARP’S 21ST-CENTURY GOLDEN CHILD DOES IT AGAIN, HEADY BEATS ABOUND 4/5 PHARMAKON - BESTIAL BURDEN (SACRED BONES): “HELL YEAH THIS GO HARD AS HELL,” TERRIFYING AND BEAUTIFUL 5/5 THE FLAMING LIPS - WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FWIENDS (WARNER BROS): WAYNE, STOP. JUST STOP. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. STEVEN STILL RULES 1/5 SCOTT WALKER + SUNN O))) - SOUSED (4AD): NOT THE MOST OBVIOUS COLLAB BUT HAUNTING AND BRILLIANT NONETHELESS 4/5

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T.I. - PAPERWORK (COLUMBIA/GRAND HUSTLE): #1 IN A SERIES OF 3 ALBUMS, GOOD FOR HIM 2/5 PIG DESTROYER - MASS AND VOLUME EP (RELAPSE): BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT YOU’D EXPECT (READ: WANT) IT TO BE 4/5 THE MELVINS - HOLD IT IN (IPECAC): WAS THIS RECORD REALLY NECESSARY? I LIKE THE MELVINS BUT 3/5 OOZING WOUND - EARTH SUCK (THRILL JOCKEY): I ACTUALLY PASSED OUT LISTENING TO THIS, IT GOES IN 4/5 OREN AMBARCHI - QUIXOTISM (EDITIONS MEGO): if i can be serious for a moment i’d just like to say that Oren Ambarchi is consistently one of the best musicians/producers/whatever out there today, and his latest record is no different. if you’re not already familiar i suggest you immerse yourself in his (incredibly large) back catalog immediately 5/5 KELE - TRICK (KOBALT/LILAC): BASICALLY HE JUST RIPS OFF BURIAL BUT HE DOES WELL 3/5 PANDA BEAR - MR. NOAH (DOMINO): OH FUCK YES, CAN’T WAIT FOR “MEETS THE GRIM REAPER” 4/5

OREN AMBARCHI-QUIXOTISM (EDITIONS MEGO) 32

TWO ALBUMS I SHOULD HATE, BUT DON’T

by Bruce Hamilton I find myself having the “what are your favorite albums” conversation with most people upon meeting them for the first time, seeing as how the topic works well at shows and media-related events. Most of the time, I’ll answer my own question with something by The Descendents or Neutral Milk Hotel, but neither answer is entirely truthful. If I was actually being honest, I would say either Devin Townsend’s Ocean Machine or Strapping Young Lad’s City.

[Background: a Vancouverite named Devin Townsend is the man behind both OM and City.

While OM is a bit more pensive and moody, City is aggressive and unrelenting (please ignore the music journalism buzzwords, this isn’t a review of the albums, I promise). Both are metal. I first heard OM in 7th grade and City in 9th grade.]

I don’t bring these albums into the conversation because they are not accurately representative of my music taste at all, and they never have been. I always preferred punk shows or quiet folk open-mic type things, which begs the question: How did these albums latch onto my heart some years ago and manage to retain their grip? Here are some theories I’ve toyed with over the past few months: • My older cousin’s MySpace profile was furnished with a song from OM, thus causing my subconscious to associate the album with my cousin, who I looked up to.

• The albums showed up at the right times in my life. In middle school I was mostly moody, and in high school I was mostly angry, and each album reflected one of those emotions thoroughly.

• I saw a lot of myself in Townsend, as we are both white men with Canadian blood, familial baldness, and an interest in heavy metal.

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Realistically, all three factors play a role, but not a single one supports my case when I’m trying to explain why both albums are just really good, man. For Christ’s sake, OM is called “progressive metal with ambient parts” and clocks in at a very not-punk run-time of seventy-three minutes. Based on the description, the only image coming to mind is over an hour of relentless Ibanez shredding with quiet interludes to sound “deep,” all brought to us in part by a cocky Berklee graduate. City, on the other hand, could be described as “tongue-in-cheek industrial metal,” which does not sound like it would be my cup of tea, nor does it sound up my alley, nor would it tickle my fancy. So I may not be able to justify my music taste by poor attempts at sociological analysis or giving each album its own detailed genre. To get my point across, here are images that I believe to sum up each album: OM is your unassuming and artistic roommate who only plays guitar when you aren’t around, who only programs the drums when you are out running errands. It’s the kind of album that may never see the light of day because it sounds like it was made by someone who doesn’t go outside. City, is your other, much ruder roommate that blasts purposely inaccessible music when you get home from work. City cracks jokes constantly, but no one can tell if he’s kidding. If OM is the underdog, City is the pit bull up the street that you feel bad for, even though it bit you twice. OM has it a little better than he thinks, and City needs stability but scares off everyone who wants to help.

I don’t want to conclude by saying that both albums are two sides of the same coin, because I believe they are more nuanced than that; I would be ending the piece with a lie, and lying is the reason I felt compelled to write this in the first place. I guess I may not be able to tell you why two Devin Townsend albums resonated with me on such an emotional level, but I just spent a few weeks working on an article to attempt to explain why, so you’d better believe me.

MUSIC SHOULDN’T “SHOULD”

by Peter Katz I find myself often steering clear of music criticism. I don’t usually find it helpful, informative or useful. Every now and then I will read the review of a new release or a live performance simply to get an impression of a venue, or a band, or even the kind of impressions the music has on people, but it doesn’t stop there. It doesn’t even start there.

“That” is not even part of “it”. Let me get one thing straight with you, reader. Music is NOT WORDS. You will NEVER EVER obtain even a FRACTION of the experience of music by READING about it. Don’t look at music, listen to music.

Music criticism has become increasingly important over the recent past. I do not need to explain the current landscape of music making, but just to put it briefly, EVERYONE YOU KNOW MAKES AND RELEASES MUSIC (or has, or has plans to, or is part of something that will). It has never been easier. It has never been more social. These are AMAZING things. However, because of the massive amount of material on the market (read: internet) these days, artists look to popular music publications to help them peek out of the ether into the bright light of your News Feed. This is also an amazing thing.

Writers helping and supporting musicians who are supporting publications who support ideas that we all support, for the most part. Wonderful, right? BUT something gets lost, or forgotten, or overlooked, or something, because the writing suffers.

I find often that writers who want to describe music will attach a referential term to the product (see: a genre) such as “emo” or “bedroom pop” or “vaporwave” or “noise-thrash” or “post-punk” (wtf?) or “neo-folk-freak-baroque” or “capitalist-pig-fucker-core” or some meaningless hyphenated word-kabab. Genrelizing music is the first step to writing an uninformative account of your musical experience.

If you wish to share your thoughts about music with another, why don’t you talk about the music? Not what large-scale cookie-cutter the music can be lumped with! I want to unpack one of these terms.

For example, “bedroom pop” is a term popularized with the growing number of artists and musicians who have found a way to make the most out of what they have. This is not purely “music recorded

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in a bedroom on Garageband,” although it is common.

This is music that has been written SPECIFICALLY FOR THOSE RESOURCES. A common sonic technique in this style is a stripped-down, minimal method of creating songs.Sometimes not much more than some simple chords on a guitar with hushed singing. This element became defining of this “genre.” It translates into the idea of listening to the musician and imagining them in their bedroom, alone with their little notebook and their little guitar, singing to themselves hoping no one will hear but secretly hoping that everyone will hear their undiscovered genius.

Once again, this is not musical writing. This is experiential writing. This is what the listener imagines when listening, not what is actually happening. Music writing should NEVER stop here. What is it about the music that is inviting besides the lo-fidelity atmosphere that the recording process created? Although genres are originally descriptive terms, they are referential, and will only diffuse the character and quality of the work in question.

Okay, fine, I will use a specific musical example.

Alex G’s TRICK was somewhat of a “breakthrough” for him, based on the fact that I had never heard of him or heard anyone speak about him until that album was released. He has quickly climbed his way into everyone’s hearts with DSU, but that is another story. My personal discovery of Alex G is tied to my discovery of the label Orchid Tapes and in turn, the popularly-used term “bedroom pop”. My ears immediately perked up at the intimacy of the recordings, thanks to the lo-fidelity nature of the production and the hushed, almost whispered singing.

It was a specific musical decision solidified my interest in Alex G’s song “Memory,” track one on TRICK. At :30 seconds into the song, the drums drop out. So simple! So effective! Providing a change in the texture, it allows the listener’s attention to catch onto the now-entering vocal line, giving the song a forward momentum and setting a precedent of subtlety and calculation in the writing and recording process.

That isn’t even the best part! At just about 1:00, the song’s title has been stated and the drums enter, but not alone! They bring with them this unexpected, fresh, jarring, abrasive, and delightful sound, right where a “guitar solo” should be. Its simple, yet subvertive. It shows me that Alex G had this moment where an expected idea could come forth and chose to take the extra step necessary to carry the idea further. It is exactly what you didn’t realize you point, at just a minute into the song, I am hooked. So are

most of my friends. Good Job, Alex G. I highly encourage everyone to play and make music.

If you enjoy music, especially seeing live music, then you deserve to have an idea of what that process is like. You are almost doing yourself a disservice if you don’t. It gives you an opportunity to identify, nay, empathize with even your most admired musicians. It is an extremely rewarding, challenging, and constructive experience. It will help you listen.

Having an idea of what it is like to set up on stage, play in tune, play in time, listen to every member of your group at the same time, get really loud, get really quiet, play your part exactly right, and have insane fun at the same time, will IMMENSELY ameliorate ANY future shows you attend. Translating songs from yourself in your room to live with a band is an extremely creative process within itself. Its not easy! It doesn’t come naturally! Its an art form! There are a million different elements that conspire into live performance. The creation of your own music will only help you be able to express your thoughts about music more clearly and with more context.

You can practice week after week in the same room and sound amazing, yet the moment you set up in that sick basement venue in New Jersey that seems packed with only 15 people there, you sound like shit.

Why? The room is different. Your bassist is using a different rig. The PA system is shoddy. Someone spilled beer on your tuner pedal. Music is experiential. Music exists in space and through time.

It has boundaries. It begins and ends in musical space that one enters and exits. Music is experiential, it takes up space, it takes up time. These are things that are embedded within the concept of “music” itself, and it is pointless to try and disregard these aspects.

Here are some basic rules to ensure you will be dissapointed with any performance: • expect the performance to sound exactly like the recording • expect the performer to be a glorious golden angelic human being (honestly if we held every artist accountable for everything they’ve ever done we would be left with no one) • talk over the music/distract others • stand behind the amplifiers/PA system (bands are usually designed to sound outward, not backwards) • expect the performers to only play the songs you like • judge a band by their gear i• draw a conclusion after one song

My point is, it is almost useless to try and analyze a musical performance of any capacity with a limited experience actually presenting work. Not to say that a non-performing artist has no valid claims, the best part about art is that everyone can talk about it.

More often than not, a non-performer’s perspective is extremely necessary and constructive. But, too often a true disservice s done to a musical presentation. The idea that you can attach a quick-witted label to a piece of artwork completely devalues the work itself. Music exists because it means more than just words. It exists to express ideas, not just emotions, that cannot be communicated through sentences and rhetoric.

Lyrics are merely supportive, an almost guiding factor to the real expressive core of the music. Music serves a purpose. Music isn’t people, music isn’t words, music isn’t your “scene” -- stop trying to make music into these things, all it is doing is devaluing music.

Thank you so much. Please continue to make more, I beg you. Be convicted in your ideas and see them through to the end. If they don’t carry then that means the idea needs work. Everyone deserves to make music, everyone deserves and is entitled to absolutely LOVE the music that they make. If you don’t like your own music than what the fuck are you doing?. Music is one of the most dense and layered experiences that we have EVERY SINGLE DAY. Please don’t take it for granted!

Write me, fight me, please prove me wrong.

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THIS ST*FF IS IMPORTANT

by Jack Tomascak I would like to take this opportunity, in the music issue, to vividly describe instances of my young-adult life that are defined by sound.

• JT’s first punk rock show. Freshly 16 years old.

Man Overboard and Balance and Composure played the Wallingford American Legion. My Heart to Joy headlined. I sang very loudly and held people up as they crowd-surfed.

• My second punk rock show. Hostage Calm headlined. Title Fight played and even then they were a really big band and I didn’t know it when I saw them. My Heart to Joy played that as well. I jumped on someone’s back and someone lifted up my feet.

I finger-pointed to my favorite song. I fell off of the crowd onto my butt and felt like I bruised myself significantly. I got pulled up by a few older emo boys and they patted me on the shoulder. I bragged about it for days.

• Jumping off the stage at the Madison Arts Barn for a band you would do distasteful things to see again although you know the best thing to do is let it stay in that nostalgic area.

• Making out to the 11-minute long outro of m83’s Saturday = Youth.

• Seeing my friend Greg run around the annex of a farmhouse with a ski mask on with a megaphone, forever changing the way I look at commanding crowds. You need that megaphone.

• Walking into The Stood for the first time on January 28th, 2011. Not knowing what the fuck was going on. Losing my slouchy beanie when someone started crowd-surfing for Snowing.

• Getting in my car after the show that Greg played.

It was an early one. It ended around 10. My radio tuned to 90.5. A La Dispute song was playing on the radio courtesy of Anthony Fantano. I cried on

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my way to Sonic. The cheesy tots were incredible and the Vanilla Coke untouchable. Rustie came on after. Ultra Thizz is still the best song of 2011.

• To mimic my last semester of high school: drive very fast from the Willow St. exit on i-91 in New Haven while listening to Now, Now’s Threads or Joie De Vivre’s The North End. Talk to yourself about getting better. Say “I’m sorry, I have to go” to nobody.

• After eating peanut butter and fluff sandwiches and dealing with racist pieces of shit all day, hearing my friend Chris pour his heart out into spoken-word over ambient, sweeping swells. He was so upset. We were upset.

• Walking into Whitson’s on an unidentifiable date in November of 2012 after being confused and let down. Chad Matheny of Emperor X yells, Don’t think of her swimming sideways. Don’t think of her kicking at the topsoil……… Don’t think of her porous membrane. Don’t think of her reading on the l train.

Feel part of something.

• Ray Chalme creating a bagpipe-esque drone in a basement in New Jersey. He tied a noose around his neck out of a microphone cable. He took a cinder block and dropped it on the microphone. Pieces of it flung into my leg. I felt real.

• I flew away at the end of my show in April. Everything rushed back. A small crowd yelled my words back at me. The feedback went on for a long time.

I stayed next to the amp. I knew nothing else but to release all emotion. I cried the absolute hardest, wailing cry I have ever done in my life that night, masked by a delay pedal maxed out. We all have our places.

We all associate these things. Sounds are important. They are important to remember and important to carry. Carry them carefully.

LB LB 40

STILLBIRTH / CYCLICAL (LOOSELY) INSPIRED BY IRON & WINE’S “RESURRECTION FERN”

by Loisa Fenichell 1.

“In our days we will live / like our ghosts will live” When we were younger there was not a single day that we did not scrape open our knees against the metal pails that Mother kept in the kitchen.

“To ward off spirits,” she would tell us at night as we lay in bed with our breaths hushed as the body of a stillborn child.

The day I was born (in white hospital in white sheets, everything white as the face of a choked casket) Mother told me about the first child she’d given birth to: a child birthed and then dead within an hour.

Ever since then there were the metal pails, all of them lined up carefully along the wooden kitchen like a crowd of empty stomachs.

There we slit our knees and there we waited for Mother to come stitch us up; there we were ignored.

Our bodies looked like ghosts’ bodies, only our knees were more overtly bleeding.

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2.

“And we’ll undress beside the ashes of the fire / Our tender bellies are wound around in baling wire” Growing older means: less ghost and more large stomach.

The metal pails are still in the kitchen, only Mother’s body is now curled up and dead inside of one of them, her body curled up right next to that of the child, the one dead within the hour. Growing older means: more summers sticky with sweat between our touching bellies, our bellies dead and vulnerable like the loose faces of paled grandparents who are close to dying in nursing homes.

When I am standing in front of you and when you are upstairs and when it is nighttime and when you are in my bedroom (the bedroom where I used to live with my five brothers, where mother used to tell us about warding off spirits) standing in front of me with heavy abdomen I am most excited to curl up against you, most excited to cry like the gun of my grandmother until I can no longer feel my belly.

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