Caregiving and Community Support and Resources for Caregivers
Into the Future Leaders Embrace Diversity
Community is a Team Sport Intergenerational Friendships
ORDINARY PEOPLE LIVING E X TR AORDINARY LIVE S
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ORDINARY PEOPLE LIVING EXTRAORDINARY LIVES Bill Shafer
Richard Hall – Legacy of Tuskegee Airmen Richard Hall has seen the world, all of its wonders and three of his country’s wars. He faced formidable enemies overseas but also at home in the form of racial prejudice. Hall was a Tuskegee Airman, one of the first black aviators in American history and one of the last alive. “I’m proud that I’m still around to tell the story,” he said. Today, Hall, 95, keeps the legacy alive by recounting how the Tuskegee Airmen overcame discrimination to become one of the most highly respected fighter groups of World War II by proving their character, abilities and patriotism. Hall had a 30-year distinguished career rising to the rank of Chief Master Sergeant. “People ask me how I did it,” he explained. “All I wanted to do was make a difference and survive. My goal now is to live to be 100, at least.” Growing Bolder hopes Hall will once again be able to exceed expectations.
Tony Handler – Runs to survive Tony Handler had always been healthy, until at the age of 43, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Doctors predicted he had two years to live. Desperate to feel he was fighting back, Handler started to run. Well, mostly walk at first. His body responded both to exercise and treatment. Handler began to rebound. But cancer can be a relentless foe, and it attacked him again and again. He also fought prostate and liver cancer. All in all, Handler has faced cancer six times. He’s had seven surgeries. He also has competed in over 300 triathlons. “Every time I cross that finish line I feel like it’s a victory over Mr. Cancer,” explained Handler, who turns 80 this year. “It’s been 37 years since I was given that death sentence,” he said. “Running has not only impacted my health, it’s given me my life.”
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Vivian Carrington – College graduate at 76 Vivan Carrington may have been a student, but she taught as much as she learned. At 76, Carrington became one of the oldest graduates ever at Rollins College. She enrolled at 70 only to be interrupted by a terminal diagnosis of lupus. “Oh, I could have given up right then.” Carrington said. “But those doctors would not have the last say over my life.” Something she didn’t want was pity. “I wanted to show students that you can’t be timid,” she said. “You have got to have some backbone.” Carrington felt it was important to display love, kindness and strength. She would tell classmates, “If you keep pushing, always persevere, you will get where you want to go.” Carrington was determined to abide by her own words. Her graduation ceremony was one of the proudest days of her life. She died two years later at the age of 78. Carrington left a powerful legacy with those who knew her. Her advice is cherished by many, “Be who you are, find your purpose and pursue it.”
Thomas McClary – Creator of the Commodores Thomas McClary’s life has been nothing short of amazing. The man who racially integrated his high school, formed the Commodores, discovered Lionel Richie and created the band’s signature sound is ready for his next adventure. “For me, music has always been about affecting the greater good; and I’m determined to keep doing just that,” McClary said. McClary, 70, spent decades trying to get the band back together, only to be sued by them over the rights to the Commodores name. “It was the most devastating period for me,” he said. Now settled, he is playing hits, such as “Easy” and “Brick House,” with his new band, the Thomas McClary Commodores Experience, which includes several of his own children. “Do you know when you feel like you’re right on the verge of something huge?’’ he said. “It feels just like when I created the Commodores. It’s a whole new era for me and I truly believe this the best time of my life.”
I N E V E R Y I S S U E : O R D I N A R Y P EO P L E L I V I N G E X T R AO R D I N A R Y L I V E S
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RIDE OF OUR LIFE Jewel Symmes
YinYang/iStock via Getty Images
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My husband, Joe, and I grew up in the ‘50s, became teenagers in the ‘60s, then came marriage and family in the ‘70s. Sound familiar? Work and responsibilities consumed all of our time. However, there was always the thought in the back of our minds that someday, somehow, we would get away from it all. We would load up our vehicle and hit the open road — pedal to the metal and cares to the wind. Our dream was sort of like the old TV show, “Route 66,” except with a Winnebago instead of a Corvette. During our working years, we had enjoyed RV vacations and had been able to see much of the country on a limited basis. While we loved the freedom of RV travel, there was always the knowledge that we eventually had to go home and get back to the real world (aka work).
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Living in a 45-foot “hallway,” 24/7 with another person, will definitely make you aware of any differences. Still, we’re loving life, counting our blessings and trying to appreciate those differences.
It took us almost 50 years, but we finally made the dream come true. Last month, we took a leap of faith, sold our Central Florida ranch and hit the road in our RV, which we affectionately call “The S.H.O.W.” (The Symmes House On Wheels.) We are now officially full-timers and couldn’t be happier. During our earlier RV vacations, we had been able to visit every state except Hawaii. We had crossed the country from Florida to Washington and even made five trips to Alaska. However, along with the freedom of the road comes the reality of the road, such as breakdowns, flat tires and a myriad of mechanical issues. Joe’s fix-it skills have saved the day on numerous occasions. An engineer by trade, Joe also became trained in RV maintenance and inspection. These skills were instrumental in our decision to join the staff of Adventure Caravans where we have served as “Tailgunners,” (repair service), for
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guided RV tours. Joe and I love meeting new folks and helping others get the most out of the RV lifestyle. We’ve caravanned from Florida to Alaska, met many great people and made wonderful friends along the way. We tell our guests that we may meet as strangers, but within a few days, we become friends; and by the end of the tour, we’re more like family. Unfortunately, the coronavirus has caused some tours to be cancelled, changing a lot of plans, including ours. So for now, we are traveling independently and catching up on maintenance. (As older adults, we know the importance of annual checkups.) At present, Joe and I are in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. From here, we’ll head to Wisconsin to spend a few days with past caravanners, Iowa and Illinois are next. After that, it’ll be time to start heading south to warmer weather. We hope to spend a month in Tennessee and another in North Georgia where we’ll hook up with other caravanners. We plan to spend this winter in Florida. And, (unless Joe leaves me somewhere on the side of the road), he and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary with friends and fellow RVers. Next year, we plan to winter somewhere west of the Mississippi While full-time RV life is not for everyone, it is certainly interesting. You really get to know each other, and it sure helps if you actually like your partner. Living in a 45-foot “hallway,” 24/7 with another person, will definitely make you aware of any differences. Still, we’re loving life, counting our blessings and trying to appreciate those differences. Thankfully, Joe’s patience is amazing. My husband is destined for sainthood! Me, not so much. While it’s not perfect, traveling in an RV definitely has unique advantages during these turbulent times. You have your own safe, convenient home and you can take it wherever you choose. While the coronavirus does present challenges, it’s possible to socialize with like-minded folks. For example, last night we enjoyed the sunset over Lake Michigan, while a cool breeze was blowing in the air. As we sat in our lawn chairs, we probably talked to nearly a dozen people who were out for an evening stroll. They would stop briefly with the usual, “Hi! Nice rig! Where are you from?” Campgrounds are great places to practice social distancing while making new acquaintances. So, if you love people and travel, this is a great time to experience both in an RV. Our personal business cards sum it up this way: “Can’t wait to see what’s around the next bend!” And if you happen to see The S.H.O.W. on the road, stop and say hello. You’re just a friend that we haven’t met yet.
For more information about RV tours, visit adventurecaravans.com.
Travel opens your heart, broadens your mind and fills your life with stories to tell. - Paula Bendfeldt
FOR MORE DAILY MEM E S :
@GrowingBolder Tomas Rodriguez /Stone via Getty Images
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Grill Outside the Bun Turn up the Heat on These New Summer Classics Chef Collette Haw
It’s grilling season! If you’ve only been using your grill for some burgers and dogs, you don’t know what you’ve been missing. Take advantage of the smoky flavors of your backyard grill to create some healthy dishes you’ll crave all year long. I love these quick and easy Margherita Pizzas. The grill gives the homemade dough (it’s easier than you think!) a deep and crispy flavor that your oven can’t touch. And this recipe for grilled peaches will let you truly savor the summer’s freshest flavors. Plus, with the addition of protein-packed Greek yogurt, antioxidant rich honey and heart-healthy pistachios, this is a dessert that not only tastes great, it’ll make you feel good.
Want more tips? Visit WellbeingNetwork.org to watch me make this recipe on my grill!
Grilled Margherita Pizza
DIREC TIONS
2 servings
Dough
INGREDIENTS
Dough
2 cups flour, divided 2 1/4 teaspoons instant dry yeast 1 1/2 teaspoons sugar 3/4 teaspoon salt 2 tablespoons olive oil
Margherita Pizza
1/2 the dough ½ cup fresh basil chiffonade Salt and pepper to taste ¾ cup crushed tomatoes 1 teaspoon garlic oil 6 slices fresh mozzarella
Place 1 cup of flour into a mixing bowl. Add the instant dry yeast, sugar, salt and olive oil to the 1 cup of flour and mix thoroughly. Slowly mix in the other 1 cup of flour, mix thoroughly and knead for about minutes. Place in a warm spot, cover and allow to double in size.
Margherita Pizza
Preheat the grill on medium high heat. Roll out the pizza dough until it’s ¼ inch thick. Brush with garlic oil and season with salt and pepper. Place the oiled side of the pizza dough down on the grill. While that side is cooking on the grill, brush the garlic oil on the side facing toward you and season with salt and pepper. Once there are grill marks on the side of the dough facing the grill, flip it over. After flipping the dough, spread the crushed tomatoes over the pizza and top with the sliced, fresh mozzarella. Once the mozzarella melts and the pizza dough is cooked through, take the pizza off the grill and sprinkle the basil all over.
Serving size: ½ pizza 408 calories, 52g carbs, 7.8g fat, 14.3g protein, 290 mg sodium
Grilled Peaches 4 servings INGREDIENTS 4 ripe peaches 1 cup nonfat Greek yogurt 1 tablespoon honey 2 tablespoons chopped pistachios
Preheat the grill. Once the grill is hot, spray it with avocado oil or any non-stick spray you have. Cut the peaches in half and remove the pits. Place the peaches, cut side down, on the grill. Grill the peaches until warmed through. Mix the Greek yogurt and honey together and set aside. Once the peaches are warmed through, place them on a platter, top them with the Greek yogurt and sprinkle with pistachios.
Serving size: 1 peach 203 calories, 5.4g fat, 35.3g carbs, 5.4g protein Photos: Jacob Langston
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KAYAKING FLORIDA 5 Waterways to Explore This Summer Leslie Kemp Poole
The paddle dips into the water and worries evaporate, replaced by tranquility. Ahhhhh. This is the gift of kayaking in Florida in the time of COVID-19 — a prescription to ease the mind and soul during a period of uncertainty and frustration. Admittedly, one doesn’t need a pandemic as an excuse to head out on a kayak to enjoy the state’s marvelous rivers and lakes. You just need the time and a great destination. Across the state, there are myriad watery escapes, from clear, spring-fed rivers to brown, tannic-colored streams, to coastal mangrove tunnels to sandy islands that recharge one’s spirit and put the “pause” button on a hectic schedule. There may be overhead flights of swallow-tailed kites and roseate spoonbills or splashing otters and lumbering manatees. Florida offers year-round paddling opportunities with unforgettable experiences best encountered by canoe or kayak. Here are a few scenic suggestions. Note: Contact sites before heading out because some may be closed periodically or have restricted hours due to health or weather issues.
Dr. Julian G. Bruce St. George Island State Park Inhale the briny air while paddling along this 22-mile barrier island off Florida’s Forgotten Coast near Apalachicola. The park, located at the eastern tip of the island, offers aquamarine waters and white beaches so fine that the sand squeaks. Rent a canoe or kayak at the park’s ranger station and paddle leisurely along the calmer bayside north of the island. Be on the lookout for varied bird life, schools of fish and rolling dolphin. 1900 E. Gulf Beach Drive St. George Island, FL 32328 $6 per vehicle 850-927-2111 | floridastateparks.org
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Photos: Bruce Hunt, Westend61 via Getty Images, RyanJLane/ E+ via Getty Images
Weedon Island Preserve This 3,190-acre natural area on Tampa Bay offers an easy escape from urban chaos into a wonderland of salt marshes and wildlife. The park concessionaire offers rentals, but you can bring your own to explore 4 miles of shaded mangrove tunnels (be sure it’s high tide) and bay views. Back on shore, enjoy the preserve’s cultural and natural history center with exhibits about the local ecosystem and native people that lived here for thousands of years. 1800 Weedon Drive NE St. Petersburg, FL 33702 Free admission. Donations welcome. 727-453-6500 | weedonislandpreserve.org
Wekiwa Springs State Park This is one of the outstanding gems of the state park system and is located just north of Orlando. Get a boat at the concession office and head into the Wekiva River (Wekiva=river, Wekiwa=spring) for brief or hours-long excursions on this beloved, popular waterway. You are likely to see alligators, turtles and wading birds along the way. Afterward, swim and snorkel in the crystalline spring that feeds the river or hike along miles of upland trails. Canoe and kayak rentals are available at the concession, Wekiwa Springs State Park Nature Adventures. For information on rentals and fees, see Nature Adventures at canoewekiva.com or call 407-884-4311. 1800 Wekiwa Cir. Apopka, FL 32712 $6 per vehicle 407-553-4383 | floridastateparks.org
Everglades National Park A great way to experience one of the most biodiverse places on the planet is by water. Everglades National Park is a 1.5 million-acre paradise for paddlers, birders, hikers and fishing enthusiasts who flock here from across the globe. Use one of the park-approved tour guides from the park website and enjoy aquatic exploring that might reveal rare American crocodiles, threatened manatees and countless birds. More than 360 species have been observed in the park. 40001 State Road 9336 Homestead, FL 33034 $30 per vehicle; good for seven, consecutive days 304-242-7700 | nps.gov
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At 72, Still the Same Determined Kid from Illinois Mike Leonard
I should not have been a network news correspondent. I should not have written a bestselling book. I should not have graduated from college. Yet, all of those facts are listed on my resume. And they are true. Note: This essay does not contain statements about super human effort, the blessings of natural ability or the presence of dumb luck. The word “dumb” however does have some relevance. Let’s start with dumb. And let’s start early. I was about 8 years old and had challenged a boyhood friend to a hold-your-breath contest. That was dumb. We were standing on the street in the shopping section of our little, northern Illinois hometown. It was late in the afternoon on a warm day in early September. The streets were quiet. There was little traffic. A signal was given and the two of us sucked as much air as we could into our lungs, closed our mouths, pinched our noses shut and held our breath. I won. But lost, badly — a revelation that came to me after regaining consciousness, rising to my knees and throwing up. Apparently, I held my breath until passing out, then keeled over face first, my forehead making initial contact with the concrete curb. I don’t know how long I was unconscious; but I remember waking up to a different world, a violently spinning, out-of-focus world, hostile to the notion that a
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newly concussed, vomiting, little boy could successfully ride his bike home, just two blocks away, without crashing, yes, head-on, into a tree, then into a free-standing, 4-foot high, stone masonry water fountain, then into a parked car, then into a row of thorny hedges. The spinning world suddenly went dark again until I noticed an unfamiliar light fixture on the ceiling and criblike bars surrounding my hospital bed, where I stayed, penned up and stared at for the better part of a week. Once home, I was barred from physical activity, reading or watching TV for a month. Unfortunately, on the second day of my home imprisonment, I convinced my mom that a slow walk around the block would be good for me. I didn’t walk around the block. I walked a few houses down to Bobby Seligman’s basement where we decided to use croquet mallets and a croquet ball for an impromptu hybrid polo/hockey game. The contest wasn’t 30 seconds old when a speeding croquet ball slammed into the middle of my forehead. Why did I decide to join that game? Because I couldn’t stand sitting around our house doing nothing. Why did I hold my breath until passing out? Because I wanted to win the candy bar prize. From that point on, I struggled in school but knew that my life would have meaning… because I wanted that to happen. And, I wanted to make the most of my time on earth. Will I change now that I’m 72 years old? Don’t hold your breath.
Photos Courtesy of Mike Leonard
DEFY
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Photo: Jacob Langston
WE ARE BACK!
A Sixth Season is Coming to Public Broadcasting This Fall Jackie Carlin
“Growing Bolder” is back for its sixth season on public television and is bolder than ever. New this year, “Growing Bolder” is proud to announce a Florida-focused network of stations, presented by Florida Blue Medicare. “Since its inception, Growing Bolder has been headquartered in Central Florida, and most of our team lives and works in this great state,” said host, executive producer and Growing Bolder Founder Marc Middleton. “With its rich natural resources, year-round outdoor living, diverse population and unique culture, we can’t imagine a better place to showcase men and women who are smashing the stereotypes of aging and living big, bold lives.” WUCF in Orlando is once again the presenting station of “Growing Bolder” and leads an impressive roster of stations that will be carrying this new season beginning in September. Other stations include: WPBT/Miami, WGCU/ Fort Myers, WUFT/Gainesville, WFSU/Tallahassee, WEDU/ Tampa, WXEL/West Palm Beach, WJCT/Jacksonville, WLRN/Miami, WDSC/Orlando and WEFS/Orlando.
“WUCF is proud to continue our relationship with Growing Bolder,” said WUCF TV & FM Executive Director Phil Hoffman. “The program provides the inspiration to live a healthier and more active life and delivers the tools, tips, resources and community support necessary to make it happen. We’re happy to share Growing Bolder’s motivational stories with the trusted public broadcasting stations across this state.” Middleton is joined again this season by co-host Bill Shafer, an Emmy nominated broadcast veteran who introduces a new series of stories, “Bolder Backstage,” that get up close and personal with some of the biggest names in rock history. Also new this season, Growing Bolder is delighted to introduce new co-host Laura Savini, a favorite of public TV audiences nationwide. In addition, each episode will feature a segment called “InCommon with Mike Leonard.” Leonard, a multiple Emmy Award-winning correspondent for the “TODAY” show and a “New York Times” bestselling author, will examine the common human story — simple and profound needs and desires we all share.
Growing Bolder will also air on public broadcasting stations nationwide this fall, so check local listings to find it in your area.
S TA R T I N G S E P T 1 9 : WUCF/Orlando, Saturdays at 9:30 am WEDU/Tampa, Saturdays at 6:30 pm WPBT/South Florida PBS, Saturdays at 6:30 pm WXEL /South Florida PBS, Saturdays at 12:30 pm WJCT/Jacksonville, Saturdays at 10 am WGCU/Fort Myers, Saturdays at 2:30 pm WUFT/Gainesville, Saturdays at 3 pm
S TA R T I N G S E P T. 2 0 : WSRE/Pensacola, Sundays at 9:30 am WFSU/Tallahassee, Sundays at 11:30 am WFSG/Panama City, Sundays at 11:30 am
S TA R T I N G N OV. 1 4 : WDSC/Daytona Beach, Saturdays at 6:30 pm
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DESTINED TO TRAVEL? St. Pete and Clearwater Take Safety Precautions and Welcome Visitors Mary Lou Janson
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Face it. Staying home is no vacation. So, when the time is right to escape from those four walls, consider alternatives to traditional travel arrangements to minimize risk and maximize peace of mind. Consider renting a vacation home rather than a room at a resort so you don’t have to share elevators, encounter others in lobbies or commingle in swimming pools. Would a rental car be a better option than boarding a trolley, bus or shuttle with other passengers? Could you opt out of group tours and hire a personal tour guide instead? Before packing your bags, confirm the desired destination has protocols in place to minimize exposure to COVID-19. Are masks mandatory? What businesses, attractions and recreational areas are open? Are safety, separation and sanitation guidelines enforced? “Is your potential visitor destination taking into consideration all of the various safety factors? How are they handling those issues?” Steve Hayes, President and CEO of Visit St. Pete/Clearwater, suggests to would-be travelers. “When you look at various places to visit, you will know where you will feel the safest and where you can go to do the things you want to experience.”
In addition to implementing safe practices, the St. Petersburg/Clearwater area is also enticing visitors with new developments that include the following:
Ɂ The $92 million, 26-acre St. Pete Pier, located along that city’s downtown waterfront, includes restaurants, Tampa Bay Watch Discovery Center aquarium and museum, children’s playground and splash pad in addition to a marketplace featuring more than a dozen vendors. Ɂ Clearwater Beach guests may now check out, and check into, Winter the Dolphin’s Beach Club, an eco-friendly beachfront hotel named for the rescue dolphin featured in the “Dolphin Tale” movies. Ɂ The Clearwater Marine Aquarium, home to world- famous dolphins Winter and Hope, is building a larger habitat to accommodate more marine animals for rescue, rehabilitation and release. With five connecting pools, and almost 1.5 million gallons of water, the expansion will be nearly three times larger than its current counterpart when completed this year.
Floridians have lots of great getaways to consider, and many are well within driving distance. But if flying is preferred, consider direct, nonstop flights that limit how long passengers are on board. Some markets are served by more than one airport; and the difference between foot traffic at those
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facilities, as well as carriers served, can be significant. St. PeteClearwater International Airport is smaller than Tampa International Airport but accommodates fewer flights. Indoor activities, like visiting museums, may now require measures to manage guest access, such as timed admissions. Outdoor activities, including hiking, biking, golf, tennis, boating or fishing, are literally desirable for the breaths of fresh air they allow. Beaches can be great escapes, as long as there’s ample sand and surf for all. With 35 miles of acclaimed, pristinely maintained beaches defining the Pinellas County coastline, Hayes is confident sun seekers at those beachfronts will easily enjoy 6 feet of separation from others. Bigger may not be better, so exploring quaint, quirky communities a bit off the beaten path, instead of major metropolises, helps to avoid the masses. Along Central Florida’s West Coast, consider scenic Safety Harbor; slightly eccentric Gulfport, known for its annual GeckoFest celebration or head for the cafes, boutiques and charming hospitality of Dunedin. Whether looking for a long weekend away, or planning a fall or winter getaway, proceed to plan trips but be sure to use caution. Hayes had this final word of advice. “Ask the questions, utilize the resources and understand the rules.”
When you look at various places to visit, you will know where you will feel the safest and where you can go to do the things you want to experience.
Photos Courtesy of Visit St. Pete/Clearwater and St. Pete Pier
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Help for Small Business Owners Candy Lowe Takes Economic Development on the Road Mary Lou Janson
Driven by a need to help Black-owned businesses based in Tampa succeed, Candy Lowe would scour the city streets to cold call at any storefront she thought might be owned and operated by African Americans. She then helped put those clothing boutiques, beauty supply shops, record stores and more on the map as a means of creating consumer awareness, cultivating community interest and stimulating sales. For 14 years, Lowe literally mapped out driving directions to those businesses and coordinated monthly tours that delivered busloads of eager shoppers to those retailers’ doorsteps. For 45 minutes during those Saturday morning outings, four different businesses hosted the groups for refreshments and a chance to check out their merchandise. It turned out to be time well spent. Sales figures shared with Lowe showed daily receipts from individual businesses sometimes surpassing $1,000. The nonprofit tour’s inaugural trip, a visit to Rivard Buick GMC car dealership in Brandon, even resulted in the sale of a vehicle. A former nurse, Lowe honed her entrepreneurial skills over a 10-year span as the owner of the Candy Lowe Tea Time Tea Room. Opening a business inspired by her father’s love of tea distinguished her as Hillsborough County’s first Black purveyor of a shop specializing in nearly 40 different loose teas. No telling if the leaves of the teas she sold ever foretold her future career in philanthropy or community-wide relationship building. Looking for a creative way to build her own business, Lowe realized that organizing group tours that began, and ended, at her Sulphur Springs shop could greatly expand her customer base. “Every month it was almost like Christmas for my tea shop,” she said, describing the economic impact of the tours. Customers especially enjoyed sipping tea and chatting with each other during impromptu, post-shopping trip gatherings.
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Recognizing the value of hosting informal groups for a chance to speak openly about issues, Lowe realized she needed to keep the conversation flowing even after closing her business. Today, Tea and Conversation remains a staple event in the community, often attracting a distinguished crowd of elected officials, community leaders, business owners and others from all walks of life. Anyone seeking election to any public office knows to go to Tea and Conversation and board a bus to ride along for a tour. And those candidates are just as likely to continue participating long after their campaigns have ended. Initially, passengers participating in the bus tours founded by Lowe filled a single motor coach. Over time, tour groups grew large enough to pack six 50-passenger buses. Lowe always intended to expand the tours throughout Florida, and even nationwide, until COVID-19 temporarily paused the excursions. Lowe is confident she will resume the tours as she continues to advocate for Black-owned businesses and encourage everyone to get on board. “It’s a lot of work, a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of conversation, meetings and convincing,” she admits. “But we want everyone to know about Black-owned businesses. We only have a few.” “My message has never changed about supporting Blackowned businesses. If you look at my first (social media) videos in 2006, I was saying then that anyone can get on the bus.”
To contact Candy Lowe or to learn more about her economic development initiative, please visit blackbusinessbustour.com.
Photos Courtesy of Black Business Bus Tour
FINANCE
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Caregiving and the Opposite of Certainty Author Janine Urbaniak Reid Shares Her Wisdom
I live equally in uncertainty and faith. This dual ground of being can make for some unsettling moments and even days. Sometimes it feels like when beloved live music is playing — a Beatles cover band, the choir at my church — and a deep inside nudge gets me to my feet. And after finding the rhythm, I begin to move from one foot to the other, shifting my weight, maybe closing my eyes, left foot, right foot. I feel centered in my interior self, my heart and breath, even as I bump shoulders with the people standing on either side of me, probably people I love.
Images G R O W Ivia NGetty G BO LDER / SUMMER 20 66Twomeows/Moment
I think of the word caregiver as opposed to caretaker. To provide sustenance for others, I had to seek it for myself. Janine Urbaniak Reid
Love, doubt. Left foot, right foot. This doesn’t come naturally. My default is to gird, clench and resist what can’t be happening. I figured “one day at a time” was a philosophy for those unfortunates who don’t plan well. But this world is always uncertain; the future — unknowable. Thirteen years ago, my young son was diagnosed with a slow-growing, inoperable brain tumor. I’d tried to do everything right so that my children would never be hurt, scared or scarred. Now they were all of those things. My job was to manage Mason’s complicated medical challenges, while keeping normal nearby so that the family might merge back in. However, the crisis morphed into a way of life. Putting everyone else’s needs first eventually left me empty. It wasn’t my kids’ responsibility to sustain me. I think of the word caregiver as opposed to caretaker. To provide sustenance for others, I had to seek it for myself. I’m wired to put everyone else’s needs first and to wait my turn without inconveniencing anyone. I tell myself that it’s OK when my turn is skipped — one more time — because I am stronger than most. And besides, I’ll be happy when I’m sure that the people I love the most are taken care of. But a crisis has a way of revealing our bad habits, especially those that are not sustainable. At times, I had no choice but to run on adrenaline and caffeine; but at some point, I began using obsessive-doing to avoid my fears and feelings. It wasn’t selfish to take care of myself. It was an act of generosity, a contribution to the greater good of the family. I realized that I was waiting for circumstances to change to have my life back, a life I recognized; but there it was — the life I had. I began to learn how to take the next step without knowing where my foot was going to land. It helps to stay in the moment. I ask myself, am I OK right now? Not next
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week, not two years from now, just now. If the answer is yes, that’s a lot. If the answer is no, I try to inhale deeply and exhale slowly. I reach out to a friend. I try to talk about what’s going on with me, not just my children. (For a while, anyone who asked how I was got a description of Mason’s most recent MRI.) Sometimes I just need someone to hear me say how hard it is. The most transformative moments of my life start with me speaking one word — help. The compassion we show for our tired human selves shines on those around us, too. Taking care can be as simple as going for a short walk or savoring a glass of water and catching our breath. Slicing time into manageable pieces helps. Some days are too long, so we root for midnight. I often felt like a spiritually evolved person wouldn’t feel like I did. She would be sure of a lot more and probably have a better attitude. Yet somehow, I ended up believing more while knowing less about God. The title, “The Opposite of Certainty,” comes from a Paul Tilith quote, “Doubt is not the opposite of faith; it’s one element of faith.” And Anne Lamott’s take on that, “The opposite of faith isn’t doubt, it’s certainty.” As humans on this precarious planet, we’re being asked to have profound faith, whether we’re religious or not. It’s okay to doubt, question, and get angry. Sometimes faith feels like being devastated, and not giving up. Faith is more of a muscle than an idea. It means doing the next right thing, especially when we’re afraid and not feeling up to the task. Left foot, right foot. It’s my mantra when circumstances overwhelm me. I just need to do what’s next, and love and goodness show up in improbable places. The trick is not to get distracted by the way I think things should be and appreciate the rugged landscape of how they are right here, right now.
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