Wellness Learning to Love (Again) A sustainable self-love journey

BY DEBORAH L. MONROE

Self-Love: noun · an appreciation of one's own worth or virtue.

As February rolls around, many people associate this time of year with romantic love, likening it to the highest form of love one can hope for.

In our journey of self-discovery and all that has transpired over the past few years, perhaps it’s time to re-think how we see the world and how we see ourselves. Many of us often look to the outside world to give us the validation of love, value, or recognition that we’re so desperately seeking. Yet, if we’ve learned anything over the past few years with constant change and confusion happening in the world, it should be noted many of us are also disconnected from our true selves. Futile attempts to seek outside validation can often lead to self-abandonment. We allow others to make crucial decisions for us because of how we see ourselves and our place in the world.

We can only love someone to the degree to which we believe that we deserve love. How can we hold love in our hands if we cannot give it to ourselves first, believe that it’s our birthright, and accept that it’s possible?

Many aspire to change the world or save the planet, but our true power lies in accepting the innate truth that we are deeply loved human beings here to create and inspire change.

We must begin with our own internal change first. We must become the love we’re seeking. In a world of social media and well-meaning influencers, “self-love” is an overused term – often over-simplified and used to mask personal heartache and uncertainty. So, what does self-love mean? What does it look like? And what practices can we put in place to create the kind of love we so desire?

Self-love is learning to honor and trust our internal guidance system, or intuition. It’s understanding all the ways we’ve shut ourselves off from the world and learning to open our hearts to ourselves and others. It’s learning to understand all the ways we’ve betrayed ourselves. It’s learning to see our value and our worth through the eyes of truth.

Our truth begins in our understanding that - despite the ways in which we have shut down or shut off - we are not broken. We have learned how to cope and survive with the consciousness and understanding we’ve had up to this point. Oftentimes, trauma or old familial patterns and behaviors will dictate how we show up in the world.

As Maya Angelou so eloquently stated, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” It’s about recognizing our patterns and our self-defeating behaviors and then courageously healing them and elegantly walking away from what no longer serves us. It’s coming home to self.

As much as we love to say self-love is simply about meticulously manicured nails, lavender-scented bubble baths, or the perfect skin care routine, learning to love ourselves is really a much deeper process. It’s drawing on our courage to take a profound and honest look at all the ways we’ve lost the integrity with our truest self.

Here are some sustainable practices to begin your self-love journey:

Surrender

Surrendering to ‘what is’ gives us an opportunity to be honest with ourselves and opens us up to create change. It’s leaning into acceptance and the belief we deserve better, all the while observing and healing the unknown aspects of ourselves that keep us from living an authentic life. When we begin to trust in a higher power - whatever it may be - and surrender to what is, we can then create sustainable change. Surrender means letting go of the familiar and learning to trust yourself. It’s learning to trust that life has your back and understanding that no matter what happens in your life, you’ll be able to handle it.

Red Velvet Rope Policy

The red velvet rope policy is about honoring ourselves by creating a safe environment around us. This means recognizing not everyone should have access to you and not everyone deserves a seat at your table. Simply put, it’s about learning to set healthy boundaries that allow you to protect yourself. This is not about ego, but rather an understanding of your personal value, time, energy, and resources. It’s about creating a safe space, honoring yourself, and knowing your value as a human being.

NON-NEGOTIABLES

The non-negotiable list is a self-made template for how you show up for yourself and others. This list is often created over many years and will grow as your self-inventory deepens, becoming an account of all the areas of your life where you have not held firm to your beliefs about yourself; either violating the boundaries of others, or allowing others to violate yours. These areas include respect, accountability, truthfulness, authenticity, trust, integrity, and any other values you hold true.

Speak Your Truth

Speak your truth from a place of authenticity, even if it frightens you. By honoring and showing up for ourselves first, we then begin to teach others how to treat us.

Learning to love yourself is often one’s most authentic path to wholeness, joy, and a feeling of true freedom. By embracing the ways in which we can learn to honor and love ourselves wholeheartedly, we can finally, willingly, and fully accept love from others.