Sometime Soon

SOMETIME SOON BY ROSE ALARCON

Sometimes, I’ll be about my day. Like, let’s say, I’ll be on the kitchen table, struggling to write an essay and he’ll walk in, but, of course, I don’t look up, because, I’m, you know, busy but then he’ll ask if I want some eggs and I say sí, gracias, Pa. He’ll ask what kind, but he already knows I’ll say estrellados. I work while I wait and then ten minutes later he hands me a plate with my very own edible star. I say gracias Pa since he always makes my egg first, and then he’ll ask if I want tortillas and I’ll nod my head Mhhmm si, porfa, as I keep googling a synonym for a word he wouldn’t know. My eyes don’t leave my screen and meanwhile, he keeps his eyes on the comal, then once he’s done, he sits and turns on the TV, surfing for a soccer game or a 1950s Mexican movie. Yet before he even considers settling into the worn, wooden chair across from me, he points to the tortillas and he says here you go. I take the first one, tear it into pieces, and dip it into the yolk like he taught me to in my youth, when I used to study his routine. As I eat, I can’t type, so I take a moment to find a YouTube video but then sometimes, every now and then before I can hit play, my eyes roam to my father’s face, the familiar image of how he adds queso to his frijoles, tears his own tortilla, adds some crema and smiles at me before his eyes return to his own screen. I realize how red they are. Milk and blood swirl around his pupils and I have to think that, although his complaints are served with humor, and he’d rather be dead before he admits defeat, working like he does… at what point will it corrupt? I wonder and I realize that no, no, no, this is all my fault, and I’ve somehow erased years, added weight, sapped his youth just to experience my own. And that sometime soon, he won’t make me eggs anymore. And I reminder why I’m here, studying my way out of our unimpressive income so that one day I can buy him a Jeep like he’s always dreamed, wanting to give just one gift, show I know how hard it must have been, give anything back, give what he already knew he would never have.