WISDOM Parenting & Home Schooling 1 Booklet

Parenting & Home Schooling

WISDOM 1

1

June©2024

Unless otherwise credited, images are courtesy of WISDOM's Noster, Burgess, Tinant and Doyle families.

2

Contents 4 Routine versus Schedule

21 Wonder

6 Getting Real: Tantrums

24 Heart Conversations Take Time Out of Your Day

By Nadene Esterhuizen

By Ken Noster

By Nadene Esterhuizen

By Belinda Letchford

9 I Promise To...

I Promise Two...

I Promise Too...

29 An Attitude of Gratitude

By Kristine Buchholtz

By Paul van den Bosch

33 What I’m Never Going to Tell You

13 Why Are Kids: Impatient, Bored, Friendless, & Entitled?

By Elizabeth Foss

By Victoria Prooday

16 "Cyber Junkie" Review

By Kim Schultz

3

Routine versus Schedule

By Nadene Esterhuizen

H

omeschooling works better when you have a plan, and most new homeschool moms feel more secure when they have a detailed schedule. But in my first year of homeschooling, I was almost a slave to a very detailed schedule, and this approach produced a lot of stress and anxiety. May I offer you another option?

the schedule has you constantly looking at the clock and rushing from one task to the next, and feeling stressed and overwhelmed, you could easily fall into striving and performance instead of enjoying the learning journey, especially if you suffer from perfectionist tendencies.

I tried to schedule everything. I often became discouraged and felt like a failure.

When I decided to ignore the times listed on the schedule and follow the schedule as a suggestion or proposed outline, I immediately felt relieved and revived. I gained confidence as we gradually found our own basic routine, and I freed myself from the self-inflicted torture that each failed schedule brought.

First, let’s look at the difference between schedule versus routine ~ schedule (noun) ~ a list of planned activities or things to be done showing the times or dates when they are intended to happen or be done or a timetable or list of the times when events are planned to happen.

versus

So, how does one set up a routine?

Decide what is really important such as building faith, making and eating meals together, working together as a family in caring for home and animals, reading good books, and learning about ___.

routine (noun) ~ a sequence of actions regularly followed or a usual or fixed way of doing things.

A schedule tells you what to do and when to do it. It is usually filled with times, lists, blocks, and boxes to tick off.

Find the time-flow for your family – who is an early riser or who needs more time to wake? When does your family get their best work done? When are their creative times? Homeschooling allows the freedom to set suggested starting times for the different elements of the day. With young children, it is often best to start early and work until tea-time, lunch and nap times. Teenagers often move into a very different time flow and this is when it is best to give them the liberty to sleep longer and work later in the day. Moms,

A routine is a pattern by which you live.

It gives structure and order to your day, but it doesn’t dictate exactly when things should be done. It allows you to find a flow that works for you on the day you happen to be living.

When one starts a new educational program or curriculum, a schedule is often necessary to ensure that the work is covered in the allotted time. But if

4

remember to consider your own energy levels!

You don’t need to worry that you’ve blown it- the set routine will be back tomorrow.

Identify your important daily events, the ones which form pillars in your home, such as mealtimes – where activities fit before and after breakfasts, lunches and dinners at more or less the same time each day. We are farmers, so daily milking forms an important daily event. Create your routine around these times.

Offer options and extras such as different themes for each day. This was a wonderful way to fit in all the extra subjects in our homeschooling without feeling overwhelmed.

Add freedom and create space for your children to explore their gifts, passions, interests and talents. Let them be bored.

Offer them the materials and some inspiration and see what they create!

Create habits – start with your important daily events and add the most important activities around those; such as morning chores before breakfast, school seat-work before lunch, creative hobbies after lunch, pack away before dinner, etc. Keep it simple and don’t throw everything in it at once. Once your family finds their flow in those elements, you have space to add more things in. Stick to it to create habit.

Here’s to you, finding your rhythm and flow in your homeschool days! May you homeschool in grace.

I love to encourage, equip and inspire homeschool parents in their homeschooling journey. My Charlotte Mason–inspired blog is a treasure trove of practical tips, art & projects, free pages & and high quality educational packages. I am a South African farmer’s wife, mom to 5 now adult children, and a granny to several gorgeous grandchildren. As a veteran homeschool teacher, I loved homeschooling my three daughters from toddler to graduation. In our more than 23 years of homeschooling, we mostly used literaturebased curriculums following Charlotte Mason’s principles. Find out more at Practical Pages practicalpages.wordpress.com

Be flexible. This may seem to be contradictory, but if your routine isn’t clicking and something feels off, adapt or change it. You are the ruler of the routine; the routine shouldn’t rule you. If one day you feel like straying completely from the norm, by all means, do it. Those days make life memorable. You are in charge.

5

image source: Nadene Esterhuizen

Tantrums

By Nadene Esterhuizen

I

started Practical Pages with the aim of encouraging moms, and although I love to share what works here on Practical Pages, I admit that I often showcase the best sharable moments. Of course, I am not supermom and things are often less than perfect!

synonyms: fit of temper, fit of rage, fit of pique, fit, outburst, flare-up, blowup, pet, paroxysm, frenzy, bad mood, mood, huff, scene Looking at the synonyms, I have seen my children and I have found myself doing quite a few of those actions in times of frustration in our homeschooling, especially in our first year! Children in school learn quickly how to hide their feelings, whereas at home, children feel free to express their emotions and vent their feelings.

In another Getting Real post I will widen my exposure lens and share some of the real nitty-gritty realities of our homeschooling lives ~ Tantrums First, let’s look at a definition ~ tantrum ~'tantrəm/ noun an uncontrolled outburst of anger and frustration, typically in a young child.

Part of the problem was me and my idealistic expectations and perfectionist approach that I used when I first started homeschooling.

Add high-need, or sensitive or strong-

6

strive for the perfection I saw reflected in the homeschooling books I read and the homeschool blogs I followed back then.

willed children to the mix and there was a guarantee of outbursts of anger, tears, sulks, flare-ups and meltdowns.

I caused tension with my demanding approach. I could have spared us many meltdowns if I had been more sensitive, calmer, more spontaneous, more fun. I was a pain in the neck, uber-serious, stressed-out mom trying to get everything done and to do it “right”.

Some days simply started with a person in a bad mood, or with feelings of anxiety or fear. Avoiding tantrums can feel like walking on egg shells. No one person in the family should have so much power over the rest of the members, but it is not easy to figure out how to manage that person’s inability to control their emotions.

That is where homeschooling is more about character formation and habit-training than about learning one’s multiplication tables or spelling. It was on days like this that I quickly changed our routine and started with a read aloud, or a song or a fun “Simon Says” game to diffuse the tension and release the anxiety.

Looking back, I am glad that I learned to add more time to our schedule by stretching out a oneyear curriculum over 18 months to 2 years. This margin of time created a sense of safety and certainty that I didn’t have when I was running to keep up to a demanding prescribed schedule which I had allowed to be my task master instead of my guide.

Also, I had to learn what worked for us in our home and not to constantly

Sometimes a difficult subject, a challenging task or school activity was the cause of feelings of fear and anger. It helped to switch the timetable around and do something fun and easy first before tackling a tough subject. Sometimes, it felt better to start with the challenge and get it done and out-of-the-way.

Sometimes we simply left it out until we felt ready to face it with a more positive attitude.

A child feeling ill, family members

7

experiencing poor sleep, bad diet choices, or overwhelming schedules or too many expectations are so draining that children just don’t have the capacity to control their feelings.

In times like this, I recommend moms stay home a few days, keep things simple, create a calm and predictable mealtime and bedtime routine and nurture relationships with their children, spend some cuddle-time together reading a good book aloud, go on nature walks, or listen to classical music, or bake, or whatever nurtures your family.

Our Fabulous Fine Arts Fridays were the result of most of these choices.

One of our best methods of clearing the air after a tantrum or meltdown was an apology. We used a “whiteboard” image and asked if we could quickly erase the horrible experience and start again. Fresh starts are such an expression of grace.

Rather than live in the shame and guilt of a tantrum, offer yourself or your child the opportunity to try again, to start with a clean slate, to be their best in the new moment.

I love to encourage, equip and inspire homeschool parents in their homeschooling journey. My Charlotte Mason–inspired blog is a treasure trove of practical tips, art & projects, free pages & and high quality educational packages. I am a South African farmer’s wife, mom to 5 now adult children, and a granny to several gorgeous grandchildren. As a veteran homeschool teacher, I loved homeschooling my three daughters from toddler to graduation. In our more than 23 years of homeschooling, we mostly used literature-based curriculums following Charlotte Mason’s principles. Find out more at Practical Pages practicalpages. wordpress.com

In sharing my imperfections, I extend grace to you in yours. Grace to every mom. Grace to every child. Grace to you in the real and imperfect life you are living right now.

8

I Promise to...

I Promise two...

I Promise too...

By Paul van den Bosch

I cross my heart and promise to

start to something that will be realized in the future.

Give all I’ve got to give

Think of some of the common phrases that use the word ‘promise’:

To make all your dreams come true In all the world you’ll never find

“I promise I’ll get it done”, “He shows promise”, and this morning is “filled with promise”.

A love as true as mine.

- I Cross My Heart, George Strait, 1992, written by Steve Dorff and Eric Kaz

All of them look forward to an event that is to come but can only be dimly glimpsed from here and now.

I

t’s an early morn with the promise of bright sunshine and crisp, cool air and the sound of feet brushing leaves and stones and muddy ground. A walk in the sunshine is coming but, as I pull on shoes and fall coat, it’s not here just yet.

For that’s what ‘promise’ is: the quiet

“I promise I’ll get it done.”

9

That’s a commitment begun, a timeline with this moment as the starting line.

There is an event coming, a task to be completed, and that event will now

point. The ship in the harbour is where the promise is made. The ship that is out sailing the seas is developing and improving and is also proving itself so that the happy ending is earned. But the happy ending cannot be earned without the starting point.

become a reality because I’ve committed to it. Am I a man of my word? I haven’t always been, but I intend to change that.

I intend to fulfill my commitments; I commit to fulfilling my intentions. More than that: I promise to do so.

“He shows promise.”

We need both.

There’s talent there, we can tell, and it’s a talent we hope to see develop and blossom. As Peter Bailey says to George: “You’ve got talent, son, I’ve seen it.”

What does Peter Bailey see? He sees the future, a reality that isn’t here yet, but there are certainly signs that predict it.

Peter can see things in his mind’s eye for his son...

The safe harbour is like our home school: a place that is safe for children to develop emotionally and academically and spiritually under the guidance of wise parents who make decisions with divine assistance. Our home school is like a greenhouse where young plants can develop for a proper amount of time – and it is parents who make the decisions on how long that time is – before they are transplanted into the outside world.

“I can see, in your attitude to things and in your aptitude for things, that there are great possibilities ahead of you. We can’t see the future yet, but if you work to develop your talents and you commit to making your dreams a reality, what is now promise – a starting point – will become solid and real – a happy ending.

And I promise, as your parent, to do my best to give you the time to develop that talent, the knowledge and training that you need to polish it, and the love so that you know that I believe in you.”

That happens when the parents decide they are ready.

A safe harbour, a greenhouse, a starting point: these are places where things are begun, where promise is first noticed in another, where promises are first made to our young so that they have the solid ground of our promise to stand on and to build upon.

I promise to.

As parents, we all want a happy ending.

A morning “filled with promise.”

That will come.

A promise is a fine beginning. But it is only the first step. Children must test out their talents and skills, polish and improve on them, put in the hard work that’s required to move from the starting point to the happy ending. You’ve likely heard another phrase: “A ship in a harbour is safe, but that’s not what ships are for.”

They will build it.

The ship in the harbour is at its starting

I promise two.

We will help them.

But we can’t have a happy ending without the solid beginning. We need both points: promise made and promise kept.

Two promises.

10

Is love a required ingredient in a promise?

Perhaps it’s the magic ingredient. Why would we make a commitment to do something unless we loved it? What is the likelihood that we will follow through on our promise unless love is involved? If I look back on a time when a promise was not fulfilled, I have to admit that there was simply not enough love on my part included in the promise.

Making a commitment is also asking for one in return.

If I make this promise it needs a chance to succeed; I need you to have a belief in me and/or the benefit of the doubt (especially if I haven’t always been true to my promises) and a little love that makes promises come true. Now you may say: “Wait a minute Paul! That sounds like a conditional promise.”

Did I love?

That’s not the way I mean it.

Yes.

Perhaps it sounds like “I will make a promise but only if you promise one in return first” but what I mean to say is that I will commit to pulling this wagon up the mountain but I want to know that you won’t jump out partway up (or you will at least tell me if you’re going to do that).

But not enough.

I was distracted, thinking of something else. I know that when I do not fulfil a promise properly it is usually because I am being too selfish and/or self-centred and my focus – my love – is too much on myself and what I want and not enough on what is best for you.

Will our children jump out?

This is true when I think back on some of my parenting, especially when the children were younger. I wanted them to “behave” (translation: do what I want) not so much because I wanted them to be respectful or learn good manners (although I did want that also) but simply because I wanted a little more peace and quiet. I was parenting for my own benefit in the short term and not enough for my children’s benefit in the long term.

Sometimes, especially as they go through the teen years, it feels like they may be ready to jump out at any moment.

Will our spouse or others that we care about jump out of the wagon?

We may not think so, but sometimes we develop blind spots and we excuse our own behaviour and may not realize that the way we are acting is pushing people away (or even pushing them out of that wagon). So we decide to look at ourselves. We commit to changing.

We make a promise to ourselves and to others. We start acting on that promise.

Was I looking for a commitment on their part in return for my promise to them? Maybe I was. And that wasn’t fair to them.

And, perhaps in an unspoken way, we hope that there is a chance that they will stick with us till we get up to the top of that mountain.

Do we all do that as parents? Perhaps, sometimes. I can’t speak for you, but I can speak for myself, especially when I look at myself as a younger and very immature parent: I wanted something

We hope love will give us that chance.

11

in return. I don’t think it was wrong to expect something in return – good behaviour – but I think it was wrong to expect good behaviour as a commitment from my children. They were children, after all. It was my job to teach them about commitment, my job to model the behaviour of one who keeps promises. I didn’t do that very well.

This article began with George Strait crossing his heart.

Can love cross hearts? Yes and yes again.

In fact, divine love is so great that the divine heart became a cross, a cross borne in our hearts today.

Paul van den Bosch is a WISDOM facilitator who believes in promises, commitment, and love that can cross from heart to heart.

Can I fix that? Yes. I can start – or restart – today.

And should I expect a reciprocal commitment? No, particularly if I have let people down in the past. I can’t ask for or expect anything. But I can hope for a chance, a chance to love more than I have in the past, a chance to live up to my promises, a chance to be a man of my word. It may take them a while to believe, to make a promise or a commitment in return.

They don’t need to. I can still promise and then keep that promise. But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a promise of love from another source. There is a divine source of love and it is always ready to commit to us. And that’s a promise too.

Can love make a promise come true?

Yes. If we can love enough our words can become action and our actions be the love that crosses hearts.

Change your words into truths and then change that truth into love And maybe our children’s grandchildren And their great-great grandchildren will tell…

- As, Stevie Wonder, 1976

Photos Courtesy of the Godin Family

12

why are kids

IMPATIENT, BORED, FRIENDLESS, & ENTITLED? The silent tragedy affecting today’s children (and what to do with it)

T

here is a silent tragedy developing right now, in our homes, and it concerns our most precious jewels our children. Through my work with hundreds of children and families as an occupational therapist, I have witnessed this tragedy unfolding right in front of my eyes. Our children are in a devastating emotional state. Talk to teachers and professionals who have been working in the field for the last 15 years. You will hear concerns similar to mine. Moreover, in the past 15 years, researchers have been releasing alarming statistics on a sharp and steady increase in kids’ mental illness, which is now reaching epidemic proportions:

•

1 in 5 children has mental health problems (bit.ly/2GyUY8d)

By Victoria Prooday

•

43% increase in ADHD (bit.ly/2GyGG7u)

•

37% increase in teen depression (ti.me/2fUXSpH)

•

100% increase in suicide rate in kids 10-14 years old (http://bit.ly/2npt1b5)

How much more evidence do we need before we wake up?

No, “increased diagnostics alone” is not the answer!

No, “they all are just born like this” is not the answer!

No, “it is all the school system’s fault” is not the answer!

13

Yes, as painful as it can be to admit, in many cases, WE, parents, are the answer to many of our kids’ struggles!

•

It is scientifically proven that the brain has the capacity to rewire itself through the environment. Unfortunately, with the environment and parenting styles that we are providing to our children, we are rewiring their brains in a wrong direction and contributing to their challenges in everyday life.

Instead, children are being served with:

Yes, there are and always have been children who are born with disabilities and despite their parents’ best efforts to provide them with a well-balanced environment and parenting, their children continue to struggle. These are NOT the children I am talking about here.

I am talking about many others whose challenges are greatly shaped by the environmental factors that parents, with their greatest intentions, provide to their children. As I have seen in my practice, the moment parents change their perspective on parenting, these children change.

•

Clearly defined limits and guidance

•

Responsibilities

•

Balanced nutrition and adequate sleep

•

Movement and outdoors

Digitally distracted parents

•

Indulgent parents who let kids “Rule the world”

•

Sense of entitlement rather than responsibility

•

Inadequate sleep and unbalanced nutrition

•

Sedentary indoor lifestyles

•

Endless stimulation, technological babysitters, instant gratification, and absence of dull moments

How to fix it?

Today’s children are being deprived of the fundamentals of a healthy childhood, such as: Emotionally available parents

•

Could anyone imagine that it is possible to raise a healthy generation in such an unhealthy environment? Of course not!

There are no shortcuts to parenting, and we can’t trick human nature. As we see, the outcomes are devastating. Our children pay for the loss of well-balanced childhood with their emotional wellbeing.

What is wrong?

•

Creative play, social interaction, opportunities for unstructured times and boredom

If we want our children to grow into happy and healthy individuals, we have to wake up and go back to the basics.

It is still possible! I know this because hundreds of my clients see positive changes in their kids’ emotional state within weeks (and in some cases, even days) of implementing these recommendations:

14

Set limits and remember that you are your child’s PARENT, not a friend. Offer kids well-balanced lifestyles filled with

what kids NEED, not just what they WANT. Don’t be afraid to say “No!” to your kids if what they want is not what they need.

•

Provide nutritious food and limit snacks.

•

Spend one hour a day in green space: biking, hiking, fishing, watching birds/insects

•

Have a daily technology-free family dinner.

•

Play one board game a day.

•

Involve your child in one chore a day (folding laundry, tidying up toys, hanging clothes, unpacking groceries, setting the table, etc).

•

Implement a consistent sleep routine to ensure that your child gets lots of sleep in a technologyfree bedroom.

•

Do not use technology as a cure for boredom.

Help them create a “boredom first aid kit” with activity ideas for “I am bored” times.

•

Turn off your phones until kids are in bed to avoid digital distraction.

•

Become your child’s emotional coach. Teach them to recognize and deal with frustration and anger.

•

Teach greeting, turn taking, sharing, empathy, table manners, conversation skills.

•

Connect emotionally - Smile, hug, kiss, tickle, read, dance, jump, or crawl with your child.

Victoria Prooday is a registered Occupational Therapist, the founder and clinical director of a multidisciplinary clinic. Victoria is an internationallyknown educator, motivational speaker and a popular blogger on modern-day parenting and high-tech lifestyle’s impact on a child nervous system. Victoria believes that the first step towards helping children begins from parents’ education. Victoria empowers parents with practical tools proven to facilitate positive changes in children and their families. This article originally appeared on YourOT.com and is shared with permission.

Teach delayed gratification and provide opportunities for “boredom” as boredom is the time when creativity awakens: Don’t feel responsible for being your child’s entertainment crew.

•

We must make changes in our kids’ lives before this entire generation of children is medicated! It is not too late yet, but soon it will be…

Don’t peel a banana for a 5-yearold child. Teach them skills rather than doing things for them.

•

Avoid using technology during meals, in cars, restaurants, malls. Use these moments as opportunities to train their brains to function under “boredom”.

Be emotionally available to connect with kids and teach them selfregulation and social skills:

Teach responsibility and independence. Don’t over-protect them from small failures. Small failures give them the skills needed to overcome greater life challenges: •

•

15

Reviewed by Kim Schultz

I

recommend this timely book for parents and older children to educate themselves about the dangers of certain kinds of games. (I never knew the categories before!) A person ready to admit his or her addiction to gaming or internet usage (online communication, social networking and surfing), and who desires to change, will benefit from Cyber Junkie.

16

Roberts speaks with authority as a result of his own former addiction to both gaming and excessive internet usage, from significant experience in helping others recover, and from interviewing fellow recovering cyber junkies. He helps parents understand the lure and trap of addiction. Especially significant is the tendency of an addicted child

disturbing sedentary trend among American youth and consequent rise in obesity…Many children choose video gaming and their Internet pursuits over physical activity, chores and other responsibilities, homework, or friends.”

to “unplug from the difficulties of real-world relationships”, resulting in attachment issues. Tendencies to default to the “comfort” of the addiction commonly happen when the person is lonely, bored or stressed. Roberts appreciates that each person’s story is different and therefore shares a number of solutions that worked to help move a person from addiction to recovery.

He reiterates the crucial importance of seeking support rather than trying to change yourself (due to the changes that have occurred in your brain as a result of the addiction). A final gem: Writing down at least ten things he was grateful for, morning and night, was pivotal for Roberts and made all the difference in his road to freedom! “Depression and gratitude could not coexist in me.”

p. 12 “Many who lack social skills and contacts throw themselves into the cyber world, amassing “friends” while they have little contact with real humans.” p. 19 “Over years of working with cyber addicts, I have come to the conclusion that could-be future Nobel laureates are right now planted in chairs expending all of their intellectual and emotional resources into fruitless screen time.” p. 31 “The Internet has become a social haven, especially for teens…

For these folks, being plugged into such a vast social network is incredibly satisfying. The impulse to stay “connected” is irresistible.”

Noteworthy quotes: p. 5 “The compelling nature of many games leads players into excess. As a society, we are only beginning to recognize that this problem exists and consequently have not figured out a way to deal with it.” “New technologies have steadily heightened realism and allow players to feel more a part of the game, thereby increasing the potential for addiction.”

p. 44 “People who are drawn to one type of cyber technology are likely to be drawn to others…If a person has an addictive relationship with Facebook that is successfully dealt with and stopped, there are dozens of other applications on the phone with the potential to tantalize and take the person down another addictive path. I have urged most of my clients to get rid of smartphones for these reasons.”

p. 8 “Video games, like television, often function as a babysitter because of their capacity to capture attention over long periods…The massive popularity of video gaming and the Internet exacerbates the

p. 49 “Repeated exposure to a drug

17

or behaviour permanently changes the brains of addicts…The brain simply adapts to the new chemical environment caused by the addictive substance or behavior. Some areas of the brain become more active, while other areas stagnate.”

world in general: it provides those of us with unexamined issues an easy escape from reality. We can plug in and convince ourselves that we’re part of a cyber world of meaning, purpose, and interpersonal satisfaction.”

p. 53 “Most of the crucial work in game interface design revolves around keeping players notified of potential rewards available to them and how much those rewards are needed.” In this way, video games activate our brain’s reward system.”

p. 95 “Settling for a life in the virtual world may seem to be the most you can hope for. I’m here to tell you this isn’t true. There’s more to life than the cyber universe offers. Moreover, it is possible to climb out of the hole of cyber addiction and to build a new life in the outside world.”

p. 54 “Although scientists do not fully understand the mechanism involved, low levels of dopamine receptors increase a person’s likelihood of becoming addicted, whether to a behaviour or a substance. People with normal levels of these receptors do not get the intense feelings of pleasure that an individual with low levels does.”

p. 116 “Every successful recovery contains some basic ingredients. All recovering addicts need plenty of support. They need people on call who can talk them through cravings and the issues that may send them back into a binge…We must look for hobbies, volunteer opportunities, and other activities that allow us to be with other people. It is when we are home alone that we are most vulnerable to relapse.”

p. 65 “And because cyber junkies, like most addicts, usually hide their addictive behaviour, detecting the problem in its early stages can be very difficult.” Warning Signs of Cyber Addiction can be found at Online Gamers Anonymous.

p. 135 “As far as social networking and online chatting are concerned, I put myself on a timer (no more than 30 min/day)…I have been in recovery for many years and have developed a strong internal sense of when I am on the verge of going into the addictive zone…If we have to use a computer, it is useful to have a timer so that we can become more conscious about how much time is spent. Commitment to stay

p. 77 “Sleep disturbances are often the first sign of a cyber problem.

Since the brain does not function well on short sleep, problems in school, therefore, are usually not far behind.” p. 92 “the great danger of the cyber

18

relapse.”

off certain sites or away from certain games must be adhered to, and it can be very helpful to have a person to take a weekly inventory with. It is crucial to examine our behaviour and the support that we use on a weekly basis as a way of assessing the success of the recovery program and making any needed adjustments.”

p. 149 “Early discussions about excessive video gaming and Internet use can go a long way toward preventing full-blown addiction… parents [must] speak frankly with their children about the potential destructive consequences…When parents first get a phone for a child, it is important to put some restrictions on it, such as no phone use during the school day, other than for emergencies, or the phone gets taken away if there are any missing assignments…Parents have the power to put the right messages into a child’s head at an early age.”

p. 136 “I think I will always be more susceptible to addictions, which is why part of my recovery is constant vigilance. I expect that any day could be the one that leads me down that dark path yet again. In spite of impulses to stop my gratitude lists, meditation, and emotional healing work, I know that these practices significantly decrease the likelihood of slipping back…It is crucial that we addicts do not become overconfident in our recovery and recognize that relapse is a very real danger. Red flags:

p. 151 “Setting limits is never fun, but if you do not set limits, your children will likely have trouble setting their own.”

“I know of no more effective way to bridge the generation gap than through video games.

Unfortunately, simply connecting and communicating with your excessive gamer may not be enough to get him or her to limit play time.

When game time or computer usage becomes excessive - more than an hour or two per day - restrictions must be considered.”

1. Showing less interest in friends and family. Whenever we begin to isolate, the alarm should sound.

2. Being overconfident.

3. Major life changes…be on the lookout for signs of relapse.

4. Feeling bored with life. Frequent boredom often precedes relapse into addiction.

p. 153 “Youngsters often view electronics as a God-given right.

Be prepared for strong resistance…

Parents themselves are willingly limiting their own access to electronics in the interest of helping

5. Avoidance. Lack of conflict resolution at work, at home, and in relationships is a harbinger of

19

their child. Whatever steps are ultimately taken, it is important to sit down and logically think through a system and try to conceive of how your child may try to get around it.

Kids are remarkably crafty.”

activities.” p. 161 house rules must include: “I will trust you, but I will also verify.”

Kim Schultz is a WISDOM facilitator and home schooling mother to 5 WISDOM grads.

p. 159 “Your efforts to curtail your child’s video game time will only be as successful as your efforts to engage your child’s passions with real-time

Type

Examples

Puzzle Games

Solitare, Tetris, FreeCell

Addiction Risk 2

Physical Simulations

Dance Dance Revolution, Guitar Hero

Old School Games

Nintendo 64, Playstation 1, Sega's Dreamcast p. 166 "I advocate teaching responsible gaming." Robert says that Nintendo is fine for him, but he can't go near Sid Meier's Civilization.

3

Educational Games

Ayiti: the Cost of Life, TheorySpark, Gettysburg! Rome: Total War, Age of Empires

4

Manage & Control Games

The Sims, RollerCoaster Tycoon, Black & White

5

Shoot 'Em Up & Adventure Games

First-Person Shooter (FPS) Games - e.g.

Counterstrike, Halo, Call of Duty

7

Real-Time Stratergy (RTS) Games e.g.

Sid Meier's Civilization, Age of Empires, Empire Earth, Command & Conquer online multiplayer are a gateway to worse

7

Adventure & Role-Playing Games (RPGs) e.g. Legend of Zelda, Final Fantasy, War-hammer

8

Massively Multiplayer RuneScape usually appeals to ages 9-15 Online Role-Playing Games World of Warcraft ("Time spent on the game comes close to being an out-of-body experience.")

9 million users in 2009.

20

7

10

Wonder

By Ken Noster

T

he word, “wonder” is at once soft and powerful. It is soft in its innocence and powerful in what it accomplishes. Wonder applies to the home schooler and, in fact, to anyone who desires to live a full life. Because wonder is enabled by innocence, it can be disabled, even destroyed, by pride.

We may or may not remember the period of our lives when we ourselves wondered about everything but, as parents, we have certainly experienced this innocence in our children. Long before our children could speak, they were wondering about everything around them and learning a great deal every day. They

21

learned a lot because they wondered a lot. Wonder springs from lack of experience, lack of perspective, lack of practical application, and these all contribute to a lack of understanding.

In the face of all these lacks, one would think the innocent young person would be overwhelmed and discouraged, but their wonder is driven by an energy to learn. Their hunger for understanding seems bottomless, and they spend their entire day learning.

times we wonder about something but keep silent in order to avoid looking foolish. Without the burden of pride, the young and innocent ask abundant questions and are able to learn much faster than most adults.

As we gain maturity enough to begin becoming truly humble, we may be able to battle our pride enough to wonder aloud and learn things we might otherwise miss, but how do we help our children continue to wonder without pride getting in their way in the first place?

Note: Parents who perceive they are incapable of teaching their children all they need to learn are well advised to reconsider how a child is by far doing most of the work in the realm of learning. The child gains understanding, almost entirely by means of the great energy of wonder. All the parent really does is assist the perspective, the practical applications, and the experiences of life, and the child very naturally achieves the learning and gains understanding. What a phenomenal force, this energy to learn.

Here are two ways we can destroy – or support - wonder in our children.

The first is eminently important, very often overlooked, but capable of being insidious in its effects: Teasing.

Teasing is not as harmless as we would like to believe, and it is not an exaggeration to say teasing of all kinds should be avoided.

Far too many adults gain pleasure from teasing children and, if one looks closely at the circumstances, it is almost always a situation where the child lacks understanding (experience, perspective….). The child is in an innocent state of wonder, and the adult uses the advantage of adult understanding (experience, perspective….) to achieve the entertainment of seeing the child confused and made to feel foolish. Suddenly, for the child,

It is an energy we are able to possess all our lives, but most of us numb it, for it is an energy that can become fragile and even lost in the face of pride. Pride, manifested in fear of being wrong or fear of looking foolish, strangles the innocent wonder that could otherwise reveal to us new understandings and abilities. Consider the number of

22

wonder takes on a new and negative dimension.

easily be discouraged, even destroyed.

Meanwhile, our most powerful asset, wonder, if nurtured, provides an incredible capacity to learn.

Prior to being teased, the child wondered freely, innocently opening doors to the rewards of understanding. Now, an adult has demonstrated that openly wondering can come across as foolish. The child begins to see ignorance no longer as a gateway to learning but rather a source of embarrassment. Innocent, free wonder gives way to feelings of humiliation, and wonder becomes associated with the child’s wounded pride.

Our challenge is two-fold. On the one hand, we owe it to our children to protect and, where necessary, restore their sense of wonder. On the other hand, we owe it to our children, ourselves, our community and, yes, even our world, to restore our own sense of wonder.

As we nurture our own sense of wonder, we model for our children.

What’s more, we become more creative, less daunted by challenges, and more effective in the tasks we undertake, all through the power of wonder.

Similar principles apply to the second way of retaining wonder: being careful in our approach to academic learning.

Institutional learning, where each child quickly learns to compare the self with others, quite naturally produces an environment where innocent wonder is punished by feelings of inadequacy, a sense of failure, and even mockery. Meanwhile, home schooling parents who take seriously the task of teaching their children according to the level of difficulty and pace of learning demanded by each child’s abilities, allow their children to compare themselves today only with themselves yesterday; not with someone else. These children flourish, because they continue to wonder.

It’s simple really but we just need to be careful, for wonder is soft; it can

23

Heart

Conversations

Take Time Out of Your Day

By Belinda Letchford

I

Make Time in your Day

recently came across this older blog post that talks about how much time it takes to address the heart issues that arise throughout the day. I decided to repost because it really is like a journal piece as I reflect on heart conversations I had with my kids – way back when!!

to Train your Child’s Heart

24

It takes time to address our children’s hearts. It would be much quicker and even easier if we just address their behaviour. But all behaviour is driven by the heart – which is why when we address behaviour we don’t change the heart, but when we address the heart we change behaviour.

can think of more implications to this heart idea than just whether I should have ordered a mango smoothie or a berry ice cream cone! But when I took the opportunity to discuss it, I laid the foundation for other conversations on handling the consequences of our decisions.

It takes time to have meaningful heart conversations with our children – make time in your day.

But life gets busy and it is easy to be preoccupied. We should never be too busy or too occupied to address the heart issue.

What do our children think in their hearts?

•

Our need for external boundaries instead of internal discipline. As I discussed this with one of my children it was close to home for me too – it is something we are going to have to work on together.

I was asked if it is a bad thing to need external boundaries, deadlines, commitments to make us keep on track. And though it isn’t necessarily a bad thing – there are many situations where we won’t achieve unless the discipline comes from within. Do your children work with internal boundaries or external boundaries (such as you reminding them)?

This is something that is age appropriate – and something we will continue to work on with all our children.

•

Out of sorts. What happens in your family when someone wakes up out of sorts? Not quite themselves? Their heart – their joy – their desire to be with people – has to come from within them. In our family the grumpy person needs to go and find their happy heart. I can’t make them

What do they believe?

What do they think is important?

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7

Examples of Heart Conversations Just reflecting over this week I have had some important conversations with my kids. Important because they are heart conversations; conversations that will shape their beliefs, their thinking, their character, their passions. These things will shape their life one way or the other.

•

Be content with your choice.

Twice this week we were in town and bought a treat for morning tea. Both times, once the choice was made one of my children really wanted what someone else had ordered. We talked about being content with your choice.

We need to be bold enough to make a choice (we can’t dither) and then we need to accept it. I

25

where our time goes.

be happy or at peace with the world – it is their choice, but there is an expectation to respect others so it is often best to go and find some time to yourself and get things right.

•

•

It takes time to have conversations.

You can’t plan conversations.

You can’t rush conversations.

Thoroughness – we discussed the aspect of thoroughness where we need to know what the right goal is for this moment. This is a good example of keeping all character traits in balance. We can be working hard at being diligent – but at the wrong task for that moment in time. We are diligent but not thorough.

You can’t control conversations.

Conversations that reach our child’s heart – that is, conversations that help them see heart issues and be willing to deal with them. We have to acknowledge both the value in heart conversations, as well as how long they take – in order to respect the time they take out of our day.

Forgetfulness – this is often thrown up as the excuse for not completing responsibilities. The other excuse is often busyness.

The thing is, we always find time for what is important to us.

We find time for Facebook, for our hobbies, for talking to our friends – but do we find time for our devotions, our exercise, and getting our chores done?

Forgetting your responsibilities is generally an indicator that they are not high on your priority list.

Conversations not Lectures It is important to consider the difference between a lecture and a conversation because the above notes could read like a lecture. Lectures just provide information. Conversation on the other hand engages both people as they discuss (back and forward) the issue at hand.

What I’ve given you here is simply a summary of some of the conversations I had.

Lecture is information delivered by one person – a conversation engages both parties.

Have conversations with your children.

There are some days where I feel that we don’t achieve anything – to do lists and lesson plans just get moved to the next day. But when I document these types of conversations I can see

A conversation can only be had with a child or teen who agrees that this conversation needs to be had. If they are defensive, argumentative or angry in any way there is no way you can

26

have a conversation. Should your child have this resisting heart then they need some time to themselves – time where they can reflect on what is important to them, and time for them to see the need to change. A conversation can only be had once a child wants to learn more from you.

•

What happened that I’m not so happy about? Why am I concerned about that? What do you think about that?

•

Was that a wrong choice? Why? What are you going to do about it?

A conversation can only be had once the parent is also willing to converse and engage. If the parent is angry or rushed they will tend to revert to a lecture. A lecture is a short term strategy – it makes the parent feel good (they’ve delivered the information that the child needs to know) but it has no impact on the child’s heart. A double whammy is that it also damages or wears down the parent-child relationship.

•

What does God’s word say about what you’ve just done?

•

Who were you thinking of just now?

We need to watch though that we use our children’s answers the right way.

It is very easy to use their answer as food for our anger and frustration and burst out and attack them with their very words. Unfair!! The reason we’ve asked them questions is to help them see what is in their heart, to help them see what they are thinking in their heart and to help them line their heart up with the word of God.

Ask Questions to Foster Conversations I find meeting new people a challenge and have tried to learn conversational skills to help me over this. One of the things that I have learned is that questions are good conversational openers. I find questions are the way to avoid lectures and open conversations with my kids too. I ask them, “What is in your heart that made you act that way? This has been family lingo for a long time so they generally know what I mean.

Put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24

Conversations Take Time A conversation invites the child to be responsible for their heart.

But it isn’t negotiating or arguing.

It is a time where you can explain

But other questions that help them reflect on heart issues are:

27

What heart-things have you addressed in your family this week?

God’s word and help them to see the importance of that in their own life. Conversations will look different with different ages. A child who is just learning God’s word will need you to teach what God’s word has to say, but a child who has God’s word on their heart, needs you to help them connect with that.

Belinda Letchford - The heart is the place where we process and hold our beliefs, values and knowledge – which in turn affect our choices, our actions, attitude and will. The Bible says – out of the heart flows all of life. What a privilege to teach, encourage, and train our children’s hearts.

That being said – our influence will come as we live true to our own convictions and passions. My desire for you is that you build relationships with your kids, teach and train the heart, and use the whole of life to teach faith, character and life skills to your kids. I help parents raise their children to have faith, character and lifeskills so that they can live a full and purposeful life. Find out more at the Heart Focused Blog belindaletchford.com/blog

Each one of these issues took time to address. Each one was inconvenient in that I was busy doing stuff when these issues arose. Mind you, there were plenty of issues that I saw, that I didn’t take on. We do have to choose our battles, and manage all the different balls we juggle. But we cannot let our busyness distract us from what is our true calling – to be a parent: to shape our children’s hearts.

Over to you…

28

an Attitude of Gratitude

By Kristine Buchholtz

O

ver the course of the past year, upon hearing that I was going to be a grandmother for the first time, everyone around me shared how wonderful it was going to be, to be a grandparent. How I would be able to enjoy my grandkids when they were happy and hand them back when they were not. How I could let their parents worry about the discipline while I spoiled them

silly. How I would have all of the positives and none of the negatives.

But they were wrong.

The morning after our first grandbaby was born, I phoned my mom.

29

Normally, only my daughter-in-law will hold her daughter during this time. But — hee hee — she was, as I said, busy unpacking. And so I sat in the rocking chair, cuddling this precious little bundle as she fussed, and rocked her to sleep.

“Mom,” I said (somewhat accusingly), “you never told me about the downside of grandparenting.”

“The downside?” she replied, puzzled. “What downside? There’s no downside.”

All by myself.

“Yes, there is,” I insisted. “Because I want to run over to the hospital and hold that baby. But I can’t because I haven’t been invited.”

And she slept for a couple of hours.

It was just me and her, rocking, rocking, rocking.

And it was glorious.

“Oh,” my mom admitted. “That downside. I had forgotten about that. Yes, that is a downside.”

I was filled with gratitude for the opportunity to hold her for so long.

To rock her to sleep. To even be a grandmother. (And for their new home, since the unpacking that day had led to this unprecedented time with this little bundle in the rocking chair!)

Indeed it is. I don’t recall ever having to wait my turn to hold my own babies — because, hey, they were my own babies. I was their mother! I held the ultimate trump card! “Oh, he/she’s hungry; I’ll just take them from you now.”

With grandbabies, however, there is a never-ending line of people waiting to hold them — aunts, uncles, other grandparents, greatgrandparents, great aunts, great uncles, friends of the family — oh, the list just goes on and on and on.

Four months later, though, the opportunity arose when my grandbaby’s parents were moving into their new house. It was the evening of a very long day, both her mother and father were busy unpacking, everyone had gone home except for us, and I was holding the baby. And it was her fussy time.

30

I am also filled with gratitude as I look at our children. They, like their parents, are far from perfect, and (surprise, surprise) the people our older kids have chosen as life partners aren’t perfect either (although so far they’re pretty great!). But in spite of all of our imperfections, God works through all of us and has bound us together through our family connection and through His unconditional love.

It’s pretty darned amazing to sit in a room together and watch all of these imperfect people interact.

And talk. And debate. And share.

And laugh with (and sometimes at) one another. It really is almost magical. How does this happen?

my kids would laugh even harder.

Sometimes they would be rolling on the floor, unable to contain their mirth. “Oh, if you only knew how impatient our mom is!” they would chortle. But I digress…)

Will it always be this way? What if it changes? And what if it’s my fault if it ever does?

I can sometimes catch myself wishing for a time machine: what would have happened had I done this instead of that? If I had made this parenting choice instead of that one? If we hadn’t homeschooled through high school? If we hadn’t homeschooled at all? If I had spent more quality time with the kids? If I had spent more one-on-one time with each of them as they were growing up?

On account of our parental shortcomings, my husband and I prayed continually that God would “fill in the gaps” wherever we failed as parents (and trust me: there were a lot of gaps!) and that He wouldn’t let us get in the way between our kids and Him. I’m grateful that God is faithful even in the midst of our failures — perhaps especially in the midst of our failures. “[His] strength is made perfect in weakness.”

Praise God for that!

I’m coming to understand that mommy-guilt is a part of every mother’s life, whether your kid discovers the cure for cancer or whether your kid ends up in jail.

As a mom, I feel responsible for my kids’ shortcomings (and truly: everyone has shortcomings). “If only this, if only that…”

Last year, one of my sons shared with me, “Mom, you’ve really mellowed [in your old age*]. But even when we were growing up, and you’d yell at us for something, I always really appreciated how you would later come to us and apologize for losing your patience and ask us to forgive you. You set a really good example. Thank you for that.”

Honestly, this second-guessing can be exhausting, and it really isn’t productive, because a) I don’t own a time machine, and

That son is now a father, and I am grateful that he intends to follow my example, however imperfect it was.

b) I’m pretty thrilled with how our kids have turned out.

The fact is, as our kids were growing up, we knew we weren’t the world’s greatest parents. Far from it. I would laugh when people would find out we homeschooled and then say to me, “Oh, I could never do that.

I’m not patient enough.” (Actually,

I have heard it said that the eight most powerful words in the English language are “I’m sorry. I was wrong.

Please forgive me.” The willingness to seek forgiveness from those we have wronged and the willingness to forgive those who have wronged

31

us are, I think, key to every relationship.

When I look in a mirror and when I look at those around me, there is no perfect. I know that. I may not like it, but I do know it.

Do I regret not being more patient / spending more time / etc. with my kids as they were growing up?

Absolutely.

But there is goodness and richness and beauty and love.

But am I grateful that God filled in the gaps and didn’t let anything I did get in between Him and our kids? Without question.

And gratitude.

And for all of those things, and for the love of friends and family and of our gracious God and Saviour, I am so very thankful.

Am I filled with thankfulness that He called us to the homeschooling lifestyle and the oodles of time and learning and relationship-building that we were able to share with our children as a result? I can’t even begin to express the depth of my gratitude for all He has done for us as a family as a result.

* These words were implied but not (cough) spoken.

Kristine Buchholtz continues to cultivate an attitude of gratitude from her home in central Alberta.

32

never

What I ’m Going to Tell You

By Elizabeth Foss

I

heard a story the other day from a mother about my age. She’s a faithful, hardworking, dedicated home schooling mother with a loving, faithful spouse. They’ve done everything they can to raise their children in the light of Christ. She lives her faith authentically and though she’s the first to admit that she fails daily, she has absolutely worked hard to have a Christian plan and to live moment by moment

faithful to that plan.

And today, she wants to curl up in a ball and die.

The eldest of her eight children, a beautiful girl who has been carefully raised and loved wholeheartedly, is wearing all black, tattooing her back, piercing her navel and her nose, coloring her hair pink, and engaged to be married to a man who is a

33

children still at home. Why work so hard--try so hard--if all that lies ahead is the inexplicable decision by those children to walk a path that is clearly not the path she envisioned?

She wanted to do nothing more with her life than to return to God the children He entrusted to her and now, her child has chosen to live apart from Him.

professed and angry atheist. She is rejecting her family, their values, and their faith.

Her mother feels like her entire life is a shredded heap of failure. This-the raising of children for God--has been her whole life’s calling. When she was young and newly married, she sat in church basements and parish halls and listened to energetic, inspiring mothers a few years older than she tell her all about how to be a virtuous wife and mother. They detailed home-management systems and home schooling curricula. They talked about raising children of virtue. They promised that if she only listened to God’s call and lived her life intentionally, faithful to the precepts of her religion, she would raise holy children. Some even went so far as to promise that Christian home schooling would guarantee she’d never be confronted with trials of secular teenaged and young adult culture.

Whether in this space or in person, there are some things I’m never going to tell you. The longer I live, the longer the list grows. Please don’t misunderstand; most Christian home schooled children are faithful, well-educated, wholesome kids.

They’re hardworking and engaging and just exactly the kind of friend you’d want all your children to have.

But more than a handful are fully grown on the outside and still a long way from what their parents hoped on the inside. So...

I am never going to tell you that if you mother your children with all your heart, embrace your vocation and dedicate home and family to God, instill in your children strong moral values and carefully protect the seeds of faith, that the following things won’t ever happen. Because they might. I have seen them happen, either in my own home or in the homes of people I know personally.

She believed those women. They were well-intentioned, good-hearted and living their own lives in the manner they described. Together, they’d all raise a holy generation for the glory of God. Now. Now she looks at this childgrown-woman, this first beautiful soul with which she was entrusted, and she is sure of only one thing: she has failed. So sure is she that she doesn’t even see the point of pressing on. There are seven other

•

34

I’m not going to tell you that your child won’t go to college and party just as hard as the kids who went to public school and

never went to church.

•

I’m not going to tell you that one day, your grown son won’t scream at you it’s all your fault that his life is a miserable mess because you didn’t send him to school and, furthermore, you never let him eat junk food. And he will mean both with equal passion.

•

I’m not going to tell you that your twenty-year-old won’t be arrested for being drunk in public.

•

I’m not going to tell you that your daughter won’t get pregnant her first semester in college.

•

I’m not going to tell you that there won’t be tattoos and piercings and pink hair.

•

I’m not going to tell you that your daughter won’t send text messages so laden with profanity that they’d make a sailor blush.

•

I’m not going to tell you that home schooled girls don’t post mean status updates to Facebook during youth group. I won’t tell you that by home schooling you will avoid any teenage drama at all.

•

and work ethic, your twentysomethings won’t drive cars that smell like old Taco Bell and live in rooms so full of dirty laundry that you can’t see the floor.

I’m not going to tell you that despite all your charts and the careful planning of household chores to instill responsibility

35

•

I’m not going to tell you that you won’t learn your daughter has a secret online identity and that she has been cutting herself.

•

I’m not going to tell you that one day you won’t find a six pack of beer and a Playboy in the back of your seventeen-year-old’s pickup truck.

•

I’m not going to tell you that you won’t catch your high schoolers looking at very questionable websites when they’re supposed to be doing online Latin.

•

I’m not going to tell you that

the Master Teacher. And still, Peter was a liar, a denier, a weak-willed wimp-- right up until the time that Jesus died. He was taught by God Himself, surely the best teacher of all, and he didn’t get it at first.

your daughter won’t enlist in the Navy and not go to church once in the first eighteen months she’s away from home.

The list could go on. The reality is that home schooling families are not immune to any of these things, no matter how hard we try and how long we pray.

But in the first few moments of the Acts of the Apostles, after he has been filled with the Holy Spirit, he is every bit a man of God. He speaks boldly and eloquently. He is a leader for Christ and that very day, three thousand people are baptized at his invitation.

Only one woman in the history of mankind has raised a perfect child and she would be the first to assure you that it was all by the grace of God.

I think, dear ladies, that some of us will be called to wait in faith for the Second Act (or our own version of Acts 2).

If my mail is any indication, we need to start talking about the fact that home schooled kids grow up and sometimes they make poor choices.

We need to encourage one another to walk this walk of faith, but we need to be very careful that we don’t rally around a certain prideful arrogance.

Sometimes, in our zeal to hold each other accountable to a Christian life of virtue, we step dangerously close to pridefully suggesting that if we just do prescribed things all the right way, we will turn out brilliant, holy children. And we forget that it is not mothers and fathers who make Christians of children; it is God Himself, in His own time, according to His own plan.

Saint Peter walked with Jesus. Jesus was his teacher in the faith. Jesus was

Are we prideful enough to believe that if we just do things a certain way we can overcome free will in our children and raise perfect, sinless saints?

36

that as we wait for God to work in the hearts of these children in whom we’ve invested so much, it is we who can rely on the grace of all those years of doing.

Because we can’t.

There are no sinless saints.

An important corollary to this idea is the fact that we must be careful not to assume that it’s a flaw in parenting that has resulted in a child’s decision to live outside the life of faith.

Children--even carefully raised children--grow into adults with free will. Every choice a child makes is not a reflection of his parents.

It’s a reflection of that child’s own relationship with his Creator.

It is we who soak up the encouragement of the noble, true, right and lovely things we taught them and cling to the faith that the seeds were planted and one day the fruit of potential we know is growing will ripen on this tree we tended lovingly when it was just a vulnerable sapling. We can reflect on the years in our homes and know that those children--despite their poor choices in the moment--do know who Christ really is. They have walked with Him in the lives of their families.

They just don’t really think they need Him right now. But soon enough, I think, they will.

God isn’t finished yet.

Where does that leave us in our mission as parents? What hope do we have?

We can only labor together towards heaven. We can home school because we believe that, in the words of Willa Ryan, quoted in Real Learning, “[we] want our family to meet in heaven someday, and [we] think we have a better shot at it if we journey together as much as possible. God put us together for a reason.” We can build a strong family culture. We can walk together, just as Jesus walked and worked with Peter, every day, day in and day out, endeavoring to be Christ to one another, sure that we have free will, but we can have grace, too. We can be confident that they will leave home and that they will all make poor choices and some of them will make very poor choices.

However, we can cling to the truth

And, in the waiting, Mama need not curl up in a ball and feel like a failure.

Instead, she can reflect on what those years of careful tending have taught her, on how they’ve watered her own soul. It’s not all about the kids; it’s about our journey to God, too. His car might smell like Taco Bell after 24 hours in the Texas sun, but her home reflects an order and an appreciation for beauty that has grown in her soul over the years of her own growing up-the years she has spent as mama and wife. All those days of carrying heavy babies and cranky toddlers to church to be in the presence of our Lord, all those long nights rocking and praying, all those mornings wrestling

37

wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously and ungrudgingly, and he will be given it. -James 1:2-5

with commas and apostrophes, all those hours laboring to bring life into the world--they are not for naught.

They are the many moments of grace that strengthen us for the pain of the thrice-spoken denial and sustain us in hope for the coming of the Holy Spirit.

Elizabeth Foss is a cancer survivor who lives every day grateful for the gift of life.

She is very happily married to Mike Foss and mama to nine children from 6-26.

Recently, she added “Nona” to her titles as she welcomed her first granddaughter, Lucy. She finds the charm, the wonder, and the cacophony of big family imperfection the perfect place to learn to walk in the unforced rhythms of grace. Elizabeth published her first book, Real Learning: Education in the Heart of My Home in 2003. The book is now in its third printing.

The philosophy in the book is brought to real life on Serendipity, a free blog jam-packed with curriculum, books, and teaching ideas. Online, Elizabeth’s blog, In the Heart of My Home, has received numerous awards, including Best Homeschooling Mom Blog (2006 and 2009) and Top Ten Blogs for Christian Women. Find her at www.elizabethfoss.com

So I don’t leave you with promises that all will be rosy if you just work hard enough at it. I only leave you with the promise of His grace in the hard moments, the moments that you are sure you’ve failed at the one thing you’ve worked hardest at your whole life. I leave you with words of hope for mothers in anguish: Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. But if any of you lacks

Image source: Kaboompics

38

39

40