THE CONFRONTATION We are hesitant to confront for many reasons. Do it peacefully and productively.

THE CONFRONTATION

Unless you're a robot, it's almost inevitable that at some point you'll have to approach someone about something they might have done intentionally or unintentionally.

Most people feel an intense discomfort in the act of confronting people, in order to discuss a problem and reach common ground.

We hesitate to confront for many reasons:

• We hold painful memories of past confrontations that went wrong. • We don't want to confront for fear of hurting or disappointing others. • It's hard to be assertive in highly power-laden or political environments, like many of our workplaces. • We find it difficult to control our emotions effectively when talking about something difficult because it induces fear in us. • We guess, question, and doubt our motives for confrontation. • We don't want to be perceived as malicious or demanding. • We prefer this to resolve magically.

However, the most important reason to confront someone is psychological because, you matter, your opinion matters, and having the opportunity to express yourself is well worth a little discomfort for you and those around you.

Here's how to do it peacefully and productively:

1. Ask yourself, is this worth mentioning?

The first thing you should do is ask yourself if the issue is worth reporting.

If you answer this question in a state of sadness or anger, then the answer will almost always be yes.

Give yourself some time to experience your initial emotional reaction, and in doing so, make sure you have all the information and that it is reliable and truthful.

You never want to get into a confrontation with hasty accusations. The confronted person will immediately withdraw into a state of defense, and you will move away from possible common ground.

If someone has done something to you directly, like saying something that offended you, and you have all the information you need, just ask yourself, should I let it go?

Or, will I feel better if I confront about this?

If the answer to the second question is yes, then you should proceed to the next step.

2. Pick the right moment: confronting someone should always be done privately and never in front of people who are not involved. Not only is this very unpleasant, but it makes other people extremely uncomfortable.

Also, don't do it in a place where you might be interrupted. Confronting someone privately allows attention to be focused on the issue at hand without interruption, embarrassment, or interference from someone not involved.

Depending on the seriousness of the situation, you can choose to do so by SMS or email. But keep in mind that tone, meaning, etc. can be easily misinterpreted when there are no non-verbal questions or instant clarification when the confrontation is in person.

Also, it may take longer to settle, when constantly typing answers back and forth. For best results, muster up the courage and do it in person.

3. Choose the best introduction: it will set the tone for the conversation.

Think about how you would like someone to confront you. Here, one should not think of anger-induced rage.

This should be done in a calm, rational way that draws a comfortable parallel for information and clarification to be conveyed between two people. The opening of this parallel must be done in a well-thought-out way.

Here is how to proceed:

a. During the opening of the confrontation: Rather than saying something like « I need to talk to you about something » or « I can talk to you, » so as not to create discomfort and sometimes even a feeling of panic, rather say something like « hey, do you have a minute? » or « Hey, can I ask you a quick question? »

These questions are both vague and offer no insight into the nature of the conversation, which will prevent their immediate « guard » from getting up.

b. Do not use a strong, insolent, or accusatory tone: how you say something is as important as what you say. If you heard about it from a third party, do not go into details about the source. Rather than saying, « So-and-so told me that... » or « I heard so-and-so that you..., » say something like « I was told that... »

So, they could specifically ask who said something, and you don't have to, nor should you tell them who it was. If they insist, just say, « I just heard it. »

c. Leave the possibility to react: don't rush out saying, « I heard you said XYZ about me, and that made me really angry. » « I can't believe you can say that about me! »

Instead, give them a chance to react to the new information before telling them how you felt.

By doing so, you give them the opportunity to clarify what was said or done, or to take immediate responsibility for it.

d. Use the « three-step » method: start with a positive affirmation, state the problem, end the conversation with a positive affirmation.

4. Wait for their reaction, here is what they could do: offer clarification, then wait for a response.

• Prepare for new information that may cause you to reconsider your position. Enter the situation with an open mind, a desire to

communicate clearly, and a willingness to find a solution, if possible.

• If their clarification improves the situation, but still deserves you to be reasonably upset, explain that despite everything, it still made you feel to the point where you felt you should talk to them about it.

5. Is the action justified?

If the person tries to justify what they did or mentions an invalid reason to defend themselves or save face, stick to the facts.

She's or he’s the one who doesn't take responsibility for what she or he did or said that hurt you. Offer a brief summary of how she or he made you feel.

6. The irrational defense: Usually, when someone feels « stuck, » they get too defensive and start by trying to reverse the script.

For example, « I only said that because you started acting like one. »

If he tries to reverse the script by saying their action was retaliation for something you did, ask him why he didn't just come and talk to you directly insisting that you thought you had a relationship where communication was open.

7. The idiot's game: this is obviously a very juvenile tactic to play dumb. In a perfect world, the person would simply take responsibility for what they said or did.

But since she chooses to go this route, she's not going to magically remember what she did. If the person is playing dumb or denying their actions, just say something like, « Oh thank God, because when I heard or saw that, I was really upset for a minute or two. I thought you really said that, and I didn't want to believe it. »

8. Put the pride aside: at best, what most rational adults should strive to do is put their pride aside and take responsibility for the fact that what they did or said provoked a reaction negative enough to create a situation they had to deal with.

If they apologize, you can either forgive them and move on, or tell them how you felt before forgiving them.

Either way, depending on the severity of the situation, you should consider whether they take responsibility for their actions, want to actively rectify, and hope for sincere forgiveness.

Life is short, you must not forget, but for your own well-being it is better to forgive people in order to move on.

9. Screaming is irrational: whatever they do, don't raise your voice, even if they do, keep your tone calm and smooth, even if your heart races.

Yelling is irrational and unnecessary to get a point across. Soon they will realize that they are throwing a tantrum and just looking ridiculous.

Similarly, for swearing, you're a professional, stay that way even when things get out of hand.

10. Keep them in the past: bringing back, things that you have already put behind you is not productive. If you have forgiven them and moved on, keep the situations in the past.

But always remember past situations to make better future decisions.

11. Irrational and erratic behavior: sometimes people resort to irrational and erratic behavior, especially in tense situations.

If it gets out of control and you're not going anywhere with that person, just say, « Well, I thought it would be easy and you'd take responsibility for your bad decision, but I guess not, so see you later. »

Use this situation as an indicator that this person is difficult, self-centered, or childish. Limit any contact in the future, you don't need their negativity.

12. Think about what happened: take a minute to decompress and think about what happened. No matter the outcome, move on.

Reassure yourself that you are grateful to be a successful and likable person. You have done your part by approaching them peacefully and simply bringing them up, you have forced them to reflect on their actions. You did everything right, let them live now with their evil deeds.

However, be prepared for the possibility that this does not go well.

If you've done all of these things, but the person isn't listening or responding, the next step is to set boundaries.

If there is an ongoing pattern of disrespect, your next thought will be more about clarifying what your response will be the next time the behavior occurs.

Serious issues such as alcohol, substance abuse, or not respecting your physical boundaries of your personal space may require human resources intervention if you are in the work environment, healthcare professional during a personal or marital situation, including mental health professionals, clergy or even authorities.

Recommended reading and references

We suggest that you consult the works identified below in order to learn more about the particularities contained in this chapter.

BRIDGES, William. MANAGING TRANSITIONS. Perseus Group. ISBN –13: 978-0-7382-0824-4.

CARDIN, Josée. L’ACCUEIL, MIROIR DE L’ENTREPRISE. Éditions ARC. ISBN 2-89022-167-9.

COHEN, Herb. YOU CAN NEGOTIATE ANYTHING. Bantam Book. ISBN 0-553-23455-2

COHEN, Herb. NEGOTIATE THIS! Warner Books. ISBN 0-446-52973-7

DECKER, Bert. YOU’VE GOT TO BE BELIEVED TO BE HEARD. St Martin’s Press. ISBN 0-312-06935-9.

HINDLE, Tim. NEGOTIATING SKILLS. Fenn Publishing. ISBN 1-55168-172-2.

LAMARCHE, J. LES REQUINS DE LA FINANCE. Éditions du jour, 1962.

LEVIN, R. MARK. UNFREEDOM OF THE PRESS. THRESHOLD EDITIONS. ISBN: 978-1-4767-7309-4

LITTERER, Joseph A. ORGANIZATIONS: Structure and Behavior. Wiley & Sons, New York.

MACHIAVELLI, Niccolo. THE PRINCE. Penguin Classics. ISBN 0-14-044107-7