Wide Open Phrases, By Will Jordan

Reader Services

Wide Open Phrases

Will Jordan is a poet based out of Alabama.

Frank and The Charolais Cow

Frank was renowned for his Charolais cow herd; one that he had been fine-tuning for decades. While he’ll admit they are easier to find in the dark than their black counterparts, he appreciates the marketability of this breed.

Another highlight for Frank was the mothering ability of his white cattle. 310 was one of those fine mothers that truly made Frank proud to be a cattleman.

This year was different; 310 had developed an enlarged mastitis-like teat, raising concern about her calf’s ability to nurse. The plan was simple: Catch the calf then ensure that it’s nursing. Easy.

Like any good cattleman, Frank took to the pasture in his old farm truck and shook out a loop in his lariat. Pulling the truck up near 310 and her brood, he eased out of the truck and snuck around the front with rope in hand. Making it to the far side, Frank and the calf were staring each other down.

The calf started to run, and Frank launched his rope like a bullet from a gun. As a former calf roper, his aim was deadly. The rope landed squarely, and the calf was caught.

The bawling little bovine caught 310’s attention, and the race to the bed of the pickup was on. Frank took off with calf in tow, 310 a few yards behind. He climbed to the refuge of the truck’s bed, pulling the calf in behind for an examination. 310’s head swung the calf like a clock pendulum on her way to get Frank. She leaped like an English show jumper to the back of the truck… and fell through a rusted spot at the back when she landed. It didn’t slow her down.

Frank was flipped backwards, bouncing off an old tire and onto his Lab dog, collateral damage from a bovine boxing match.

Regaining her footing, she climbed farther into the back of the truck. It was at this point that Frank had an epiphany. His incredible and sudden realization was that the calf was fine, in need of no help from him. As both he, the calf and the dog bailed from the truck bed, the cow made her tapdancing debut. Stomping holes through every rusted spot in the bed, 310, while dancing, offered her mechanical abilities by testing the strength of the truck’s suspension.

Frank ended up finding a truck body almost identical to his for sale – minus the holes of course – and learned that even if the cow’s bag isn’t perfect, it’s probably good enough to nurse a calf.