Volume 30 Issue 10

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GENERATION

MAGAZINE

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So Meaty Lesbi-honest Poke Me Maybe

Table of Contents 5 EIC Letter Lent and Snacking 7 Agenda, Hit/BS Polar Bears 8 History Months Diversity 9 Facebook Etiquette The Do’s and Don’ts 10 Moderate GOP R.I.P. R.I.N.O.s 11 Video Games The State of the Games 15 He Said/She Said Bad Ideas Edition 16 Porn Industry Take it off 18 Marcellas Bathroom Stalls and Stripper Poles 19 Love in BuffaLove Flower Fiasco 20 Short Story 21 Submissions Poems from fellow students 22 Parting Shots Childhood obsessions Cover designed by Melissa Osterweil and Emily Butler, photo source from all credits goes to respective photographer. bookseller-association.blogspot.com (18), www.egmnowcom.com (7), The U (7), www.hollyknitlightly.com (7), www.gtoal.com (7), totalfratmove.com (3), www.gay-worldsnew.com (3), www.conservativedailynew.com (3), www.campusinfo.umich.edu (8), http://www.wordstream.com/facebook-vs-google (9), www.streetfightmag. com (9) Generation Magazine is owned by Sub-Board I, Inc., the student service corporation at the State University of New York at Buffalo. The Sub-Board I, Inc. Board of Directors grants editorial autonomy to the editorial board of Generation. Sub-Board I, Inc. (the publisher) provides funding through mandatory student activity fees and is in no way responsible for the editorial content, editorial structure or editorial policy of the magazine.

Editorial and business offices for Generation are located in Suite 315 in the Student Union on North Campus. The telephoane numbers are (716) 645-6131 or (716) 645-2674 (FAX). Address mail c/o Room 315 Student Union University at Buffalo, Amherst, NY 14260.

Submissions to Generation Magazine should be e-mailed to ubgeneration@gmail.com by 1p.m. Tuesday, a week before each issue’s publication. This publication and its contents are the property of the students of the State University of New York at Buffalo 2011 by Generation Magazine, all rights reserved. The first 10 copies of Generation Magazine are free. Each additional copy must be approved by the editor in chief. Requests for reprints should be directed to the editor in chief. Generation Magazine neither endorses nor takes responsibility for any claims made by our advertisers. Press run 5,000. ≠≠≠

Editor’s Letter

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recently realized that my diet has taken a left turn somewhere down the road of salty snacks. Instead of reaching for celery or a hard-boiled egg, I find myself grabbing tortilla chips or some other salt laden food. As I stood in the kitchen clearing my cupboards of anything remotely unhealthy, I found myself asking how this happened without me noticing and how on Earth I could fix it. The answer came to me in two parts.

First off, our culture is addicted to anything salty, fatty, sugary, or remotely unhealthy. Portion sizes in this country are astronomical and calorie counts keep growing each year. Yet over in Europe, they eat many of the same things we do but manage to be half the size. But how is that possible? I believe the answer lies in our societal snack habits.

Snacking is one of those things I hate to love because it tends to happen when I’m doing work. I’ll sit down at my desk to starting writing an article or work on my thesis and within 15 minutes my body will be convinced its hungry. If I’m at home I’ll generally try to placate it by making some tea and have a couple crackers since I know I’m really just reacting to the stress of work. But on campus, getting tea is a process (and frankly I prefer my blends from Teavanna to the stuff at Starbucks or Tim Hortons), and it’s a lot easier to grab a bag of chips than hunt down a healthier alternative.

This lovely realization then led me to the solution: give up snacks for lent and actually stick with it this time. I’m not the best Catholic but I generally try to give something up for 40 days every year. Sadly though, it rarely lasts. Last year’s attempt was chocolate and that ended terribly. Within a week my chocolate craving had gotten so bad that my friend’s uber Catholic grandmother made me a chocolate cream pie and wouldn’t let me leave her house until I had eaten a piece.

So if I don’t get a handle on certain things in my life now, chances are it’ll never happen. I’m basically trying to kill two birds with one stone by cutting down on my snacking and actually completing lent for once. Some people may find that sacrilegious, but I see nothing wrong with it.

The point of lent is to go without something because Jesus fasted before joining the ministry, but over 2000 years it has evolved into something more. Now-a-days people will participate in lent as a way to exercise will power, feel closer to God, or even improve health. In the past I fell solidly into the final category, but now on some level I’m also doing it as part of my faith.

I was baptized Catholic but raised spiritual. My parents believe that I should make my own, informed decision on religion and chose to not force me to complete my sacraments as a kid. Now that I’ve grown up and learned about many of the world’s religions, I’ve realized that even though I’ll probably never go to church on a weekly basis, I’m going to remain Catholic. I’ll spare you all the story of how I came to that conclusion and get right to my point here: I’m going to remain Catholic because a) it’s what I know and I see now point in changing how I “name” my religious views and b) certain aspects of it make sense health wise.

I’m sure someone out there will have an issue with me using lent as a way to change my diet for the better, but frankly, I don’t care. If I’m able to improve my health while getting closer to God and cutting something out of my diet for 40 days, so be it. Both religion and our diets are supposed to have an impact on our lives and make us the kind of people we want to be. So since I want to be a healthy Catholic, I’ll use lent as a means to kick-start both sides.

Happy munching!

The year before that I made it 30 days before breaking down and eating ice cream one night, and the year before that I didn’t even last a day before forgetting and having caffeine. Clearly lent and I are not friends, but I’m determined to change that this year. It’s actually kind of ironic that as the church is facing its first Pope resignation in 600 years that I’m choosing now to get in touch with my faith. But at the same time I find myself thinking, “it’s now or never.”

Once I enter the real world in May, as much as I like to pretend my stress level will go down, I know it won’t.

Generation Staff 2013 Editor in Chief Ally Balcerzak Managing Editor Keighley Farrell Creative Director Melissa Osterweil Assistant Creative Director Emily Butler Photo Editor Dinorah Santos Web Editor Gabrielle Gosset Copy Editor Lee Auslander Associate Editors Laura Borschel Carlton Brock Paul Stephan Circulation Director Carlton Brock Business Manager Brian Kalish

Ally Balcerzak

Ad Manager Jessica Bornes Contributing Staff Sarah Antao Angelina Bruno Eric Carlson

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ASSISTANT AD MANAGER

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AGENDA Skyrim DLC to PS3 February 26th

It’s a year in the making but PS3 owners will finally be able to become Vampire Lords.

HIT T I H S L L BU OR

Old Family Members

There was recently a discovery that the common ancestor of mammals may have been a giant rat. We always knew there was a reason people love Mickey Mouse, and as turns out he’s just like one of the family after all. And you know your rat faced cousin Clem? Yeah, he’s not ugly he just resembles an ancient relative.

Reboots

HIT

The Hollywood fascination with reboots has gotten a little excessive. Recently there have been Spiderman, Total Recall, and Dredd. While those movies had aged out due to the nature of Sci-Fi and Superhero movies the proposed Grinch is TOO FAR! We will still see the fantastic Jim Carrey reboot every Christmas.

BULLSHIT

DTF: 18+ party at The U, Saturday March 2nd

Head to The U to party with Phi Alpha Delta and raise money for Relay for Life and cancer research. DJ NVY will be doing the music and there will be a 50/50 raffle along with a bunch of other prizes.

Cover is $10 for anyone under 21 and $5 for those of age. Go have fun and help the fight against cancer at the same time! Just say “DTF” at the door.

The Pope’s Resignation

In an event that hasn’t happened in the past 600 years, Pope Benedict resigned on the 11th, citing health reasons for his stepping down. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’d like to wait a few weeks to see if anything else comes up from the pulpit.

“Traditional Marriage”

HIT

Fox News is drawing laughs and hilarity over a piece they did supporting “traditional marriage.” The story seemed simple and straight to the point, but later drew criticism when it was discovered that a picture they used in support of opposite sex marriage was in fact a picture of a lesbian couple on their wedding day. Need we say more?

Pole Dancing

BULLSHIT

Want to get a good workout and look sexy? Try pole dancing! It’s the newest workout craze taking the nation by storm. So next time you want to vary up your workout routine why not get on the pole?

February 27, 2013: Polar Bear Day

Dead Keys

HIT

Polar Bear Day celebrates one of nature’s most impressive hunters, There’s a piano in the flagroom, which is really cool. Unfortunately, at least three of the keys and the world’s largest carnivore. When fully grown, polar bears can don’t work, which isn’t very cool. How are we supposed to play “Fur Elise” in all its cliché glory when two As don’t sound? If anyone in Student Life is reading this, can you please send in a span an enormous 9 feet (2.7m) in height. Plus they’re very cute. repair person?

BULLSHIT

Valentine’s Day is Over

National Grammar Day – March 4

That’s write, everyone! March 4th is National Grammar Day. Its a great opportunity too learn the proper, use of commas; and semicolons, and to learn that prepositions are a bad thing to end you’re sentences with.

America’s most annoying holiday is finally finished. As per usual, we were bombarded by ads for diamond rings and had to sit through a day of Facebook posts about how awesome everyone’s boyfriend was for taking them to Melting Pot. But now the hyper-commercialized Hallmark holiday has passed, and we have another year before we have to deal with it again.

UB Weather

HIT

With all of the crazy weather happening, some students have been left scratching their heads over the terror that is commuting to UB.

BULLSHIT

Life With Lee

Important lessons brought to you by our favorite Long Islander

History Knows Bounds

NO

F

ebruary is a month of celebration. It usually makes me think of Valentine’s Day, which of course, is an obsession due to pounds of chocolate, all of the heart shaped cookies I can now make without shame, and an excuse to watch horrible romantic comedies (Yes, I am that person who makes fun of rom-coms as I am watching them. But realistically, they are the guiltiest pleasure ever. Other than that pound of chocolate…).

But there is another reason February is a month of celebration: it’s Black History Month. Celebrate black people’s contributions to American history or global history and have it neatly packed into just one month? Yep. I’m sorry, but I find that so ridiculous.

Despite what New York’s incredibly simplified history curriculum may tell you, people of African descent have contributed greatly to history. Remember The Civil Rights Movement? Please. If you don’t know about how powerful that movement was in regards to equal rights, then I don’t know how you passed grade school. The Movement is a major part of the fight for equal rights, and may be regarded as a prequel for many other groups’ fights, among them the LGBTQ community, who must sadly still fight for equal rights in the 21st century! Like jazz music? You better (but seriously, how can you not love it)! Louis Armstrong was a musical genius and “What a Wonderful World” is absolute perfection. The genre originated in black communities in the early 20th century. And thank goodness for it!

Do you like peanut butter? Thank George Washington Carver. The man’s discoveries and inventions make up a list so long that the only way you would want to listen to them all is if Morgan Freeman was reading them.

And speaking of Morgan Freeman, even he hates Black History Month. When asked by an interviewer on 60

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Minutes, Morgan said, “You’re going to regulate my history to a month? I don’t want a black history month.

Black history is American history.”

And he’s right.

Aren’t we always told that the United States is a ‘melting pot’ of different heritages, cultures, and languages?

There are only twelve months in a year. Should we have a different month for each ethnic group? If someone proposed a history month for Americans of Polish, Italian, Russian, Japanese, Mexican, Swedish, German,

Chinese, Egyptian, French, and Indian descent as well as another for women’s history, everything will be great.

There are exactly 12 categories, one for each month, so that’s perfect, right?

Wrong. So very, very wrong. Who will feel excluded?

Everyone. Everyone who does not fit into one of those categories and there are many of them. Some of them are nationalities, but what about other groups? You’ll have to combine and make it so that multiple ‘heritage

Article By: Lee Auslander

months’ are being celebrated per month. That’s already happening. When researching, I discovered that there actually is a Jewish American Heritage Month and it’s shared with Asian/Pacific American Heritage Month in May. Why is the latter made up of a group so big that it is impossible to adequately recognize each culture that fits under that banner? Even Jewish heritage (and yes, it is an ethnic group as well as a religion) is diverse and really old (About 4,000 years old. Mazel tov!). So how can it fit in one month? And which month deserves more recognition? How can we make it equal? How can we make sure that every single one is heard and celebrated properly? Why do I hear so much more about Women’s History Month than Native American Heritage Month? I didn’t even know the latter existed! Thank George Bush Sr. for it.

To be honest, it’s sad, and just like all other history months, it is offensive.

The lumping of multiple (and there are many) diverse indigenous American cultures into the one brand of ‘Indian’ (not politically correct anymore but tell that to the Bureau of Indian Affairs) and stuffing their history into one month is appalling.

It’s a big world and not everyone fits into a cookie cutter mold. The best way to celebrate the history of different parts of the United States’ history is to make sure that it is one. What do we have in common? We’re Americans. Celebrate differences but stop using them to alienate groups from one another.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to celebrate your heritage, but segregating our history by dividing people into history months is not helpful. I am sure that these groups have a richer history than what can be discussed in just a month. The American melting pot is where people of all cultures, religions, genders/sexes, and ethnic groups become one sequence of American history, just as multiple threads make up our flag.

acebook

Do’s and Don’ts

Article By: Paul Stephan

T

he Internet, much like the Generation office, is a beautiful place where absolutely nothing happens. Facebook provides the perfect forum to post pictures of your cat, ruin your chances of ever holding public office, and post pictures of other people’s cats.

That being said, the Internet, much like the Generation office, can be a very dangerous place.

Unlike real-world interactions, which we used to have before we all got cell phones, Facebook interactions are filled with many hairy dilemmas.

But fear not! Here’s an easy do and don’t list for navigating some of the most common Facebook conundrums: Do Facebook stalk with reckless abandon.

Remember, people put things on Facebook because they want other people to see them. And when you become friends with someone, you’re asking them to look at your statuses and pictures and everything else. In fact, I don’t even like the term “Facebook stalking”. It’s not stalking; it’s using Facebook as it was intended to be used.

Milk it for all it’s worth.

Don’t post anything drunk. Nothing good ever came about from people using social media while intoxicated. The things that you might think are funny/appropriate/totally not porn that night will appear quite differently the next day. See the “getting a job” section below.

Do post embarrassing photos and videos of your friends, and remember to tag them.

What is social media for if not to embarrass other people? And is anything more satisfying than having someone’s mom like a photo of them peeing in an oven in Governor’s? No, nothing is more satisfying.

Some people have profile review, which keeps them from being tagged in anything until they

approve it. These people are wet blankets, really smart and responsible wet blankets. Don’t be that guy. Just let people tag you in whatever they want.

YOLO. Don’t fish for compliments or condolences.

This means no posting statuses like, “All I want to do is cry,” or even worse, a single emoticon like “:-(.” Also shy away from passive-aggressive statuses where you try to call people out without actually calling them out. I’m your Facebook friend because I want to see pictures of you going out and drinking one too many fishbowls (by which I mean one fishbowl). I don’t want to hear about your problems, or your hints at your problems.

In a similar vein, don’t brag about your accomplishments so that people will congratulate you. Every time someone decides to announce their GPA to the world, it makes me want to walk really slowly in the hallway and not allow anyone to pass. Don’t use Facebook to feel better about yourself. We have beer for that.

Do post song lyrics IF it’s not a Top 40 song, and if it’s not the only thing you ever post. As a rule of thumb, you shouldn’t post lyrics more than once a week. And we don’t need to know that you’re listening to Rihanna’s latest shitshow track. I’d think so much more of you if you posted something that didn’t come out this year. Also, there’s no need to post those cutesy music notes before or after the words. If it rhymes, I’m going to assume it’s from a song. Also, I don’t know how to make those notes, so don’t do it because it makes me jealous.

occasionally use social media to get your friends on board with what you’re doing. But if the only time I interact with you digitally is through bulk invites, then we have a problem. Anyone working for Generation is exempt from this rule.

Do remember that you want to get a job one day. There are people in this country whose sole job is to tell other people how to get a job. These types of people give presentations to college students and always remark about how companies look at people’s online profiles before hiring them.

Use this to your advantage! On my Facebook page, I have a photo album titled “For Prospective Employers.” It includes pictures of me reading Tolstoy, enforcing the smoke-free policy, and helping old ladies cross the street. I recommend you do likewise.

One final note: Musicians will tell you that the best composers are those who understand the rules but also know how to bend them and break them. The same applies to Facebook. While these guidelines will be helpful to those new to the internet (sometimes called “n00bs”), real pros will know when to tastefully deviate from them.

Have fun and stay classy, San Diego.

Don’t use Facebook to shamelessly promote your place of employment/club/event. Some students use their personal Facebook and Twitter pages to advertise the things they’re involved in. This should be done sparingly. Look, we all have things that we care about, and it’s okay to

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PULSE

R.I.P. R.I.N.O.s W

hat’s wrong with the Republican Party?

In the wake of their presidential defeat, the proverbial soul searching has commenced to ascertain why its message doesn’t resonate with the electorate. They even created a website with surveys for the public to give suggestions for improvement. This misguided attempt at salvation only illustrates the distance the party has deviated from its basic principles. The ideas of limited government, personal liberty, lower taxes, and a financially sustainable government are a winning message. But in the era of tea parties and fear mongering, the message has gotten lost behind a veil of homophobia, legitimate rape, and birthers. The GOP has destroyed its sensible moderates, and opted for far-right fanaticism.

For years the GOP has been purging itself of its moderates. These sensible Republicans have been branded R.I.N.O.s (“Republicanin-name-only”). Their lack of uncompromising conservatism suitable to the likes of Rush Limbaugh or Grover Norquist made them outcasts. The irony of the situation is many of the iconic Republicans of history, including Ronald Reagan, would be branded a R.I.N.O. by today’s ridiculous metric. The GOP has opted for -10-

a he or she who speaks loudest is obviously smartest strategy. This is how people like Allen West can say over 70 Democrats sitting in Congress are card-carrying communists, and be applauded as a party hero. One would hope Republicans would reject this kind of nonsense, but they haven’t. On the contrary, they have embraced it.

The GOP has become the party of the super-rich and socially conservative. But this allegiance doesn’t mesh with the basic principles of limited government.

For example, why does the GOP oppose gay marriage? Surely the party of limited government and personal liberty doesn’t want the government in the marriage business. Yet, they oppose it on biblical moral grounds. Forget their principles or the constitution for that matter, the Christian right needs to be placated. There is nothing wrong if Republicans are personally opposed to gay marriage, but they should not be denying the freedom to choose to every other American. That is out of whack with their core principles.

moderate Republican would have allowed a vote on the middle class tax cuts separate from the top two percent tax cut. By doing so, the GOP can take care of the middle class and then have a healthy debate on the merits of a top two percent tax cut. By decoupling the issue you avoid fiscal cliff politics and can clearly explain to the public tax cuts at the top do significantly impact small business expansion and investment.

The most egregious case of the lack of sensibility in the GOP was during the debt ceiling debate. No one likes the idea of passing a resolution that allows the government to borrow more money when the national debt is already unsustainable. The problem is, not raising the limit and defaulting on our current debt is a far worse outcome. Just imagine what is currently happening in Greece here in the US. But the new extreme GOP doesn’t understand this. They only hear “more debt” and they pounce. Without having a proper context for reality, the GOP’s message on debt is completely irrational.

Article By: Eric Carlson

spending within our means, and maximizing freedoms equate to a prosperous America. The entitlement culture being fostered by the president and the Democrats will destroy us. They spend like drunken sailors and refuse to even discuss reform to Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security. The fact is, these essential programs account for over $70 trillion unfunded liabilities. As the baby boomers retire and fewer workers are in the labor force to support them, the costs will skyrocket.

Instead of having an honest debate on these merits, the GOP has lost itself in self-delusion. The voice for sensible conservatism has vanished and the Democrats are taking advantage.

I am cautiously optimistic about what this post-election self-reflecting by the GOP will manifest. If indeed it can resurrect a robust coalition of center-right Republicans, this country may finally have the honest debate it needs. The first step needs to be a rejection of the Tea Party and its masters. It has only served to polarize our politics further and During the federal income tax This predicament personally has contributed no reasonable debate, the GOP was content to irritates me. I am a proud moderate solutions. We need to be the party hold the middle class hostage to Republican disenfranchised by of sound ideas instead of the party ensure a tax cut for the wealthiest the party’s new philosophy. Pro- of no. who don’t necessarily need one. A business policies, low taxation,

PULSE Article By: Carlton N. Brock

The Third

The State of the Games

V

ideo games are a billion dollar industry. And much of that money is found right in our pockets and the pockets of people like us: college students. Currently, there are multiple gamesrelated issues that are peaking the interest of gamers both hardcore and casual.

Immediately one might think of the way that videogames have been portrayed in the media as of late. Shootings like in Aurora, or Columbine, or Sandy Hook, have the public clamoring for a reason as to what might make a person so sick as to do these atrocities. In the eyes of some, games are the culprit.

NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre said, “Guns don’t kill people. Video games, the media and Obama’s budget kill people. There exists in this country, sadly, a callous, corrupt and corrupting shadow industry that sells and stows violence against its own people, through vicious, violent video games with names like ‘Bulletstorm,’ ‘Grand Theft Auto,’ ‘Mortal Kombat’ and ‘Splatterhouse.’” In a statement he made following the Sandy Hook tragedy while defending the gun industry.

Politics aside, the statement echoes that of a rhetoric that the public has been hearing for years in regards to violent tragedies. Following these words the Vice President of the United States met with the heads of Microsoft and EA Games among other companies to discuss the games and their effects on people, specifically children. While the Vice President made a point to verbalize that the videogame developers were not the only medium being investigated.

Here are some facts found throughout various studies, there is a correlation between consistent exposures to violent games. In the same studies though, causation between the violent person and the behavior were not found. A 2000 FBI report found that playing violent games was a common behavior among shooters, though a 2004 Secret Service report found that one eighth of attackers list video games as an interest, less

than that of violent books, movies, and music. The pros and cons can be listed back and forth until a definitive cause can be found for the violence.

In another situation, anyone with a current gaming console might notice that they’ve had it for quite some time. Otherwise they might notice that they are on their second or third Xbox 360 or PS3. This is the longest lasting console generation, ever. For the last two years rumors have been flying about new systems to no avail. The rumors have already begun flying in 2013. Though there seems to be more substance with the release of the Wii U and releases of developer kits for both the new Xbox (Xbox 720, Durango, the Xbox Infinite whatever it’s going to be called) and the Playstation 4 seems to solidify the rumors.

But it’s not the fact that there will be new systems; it’s what the systems will do. Among rumors are that the new Xbox will have an updated Kinect. Allegedly it even has a Siri-like function that not only remembers the user’s voice but their face and their preferences.

This function would be able to recognize more than one user at a time and suggest games or movies based on the user. The new Xbox might also take advantage of projectors with Microsoft’s recently debuted “Illumiroom”, a feature that turns your wall into a screen.

to be one that has been persistent with both consoles.

Allegedly neither console will permit used games.

This would put the final nail in the coffin for several facets of gaming culture such as trades, renting, and borrowing games from friends and especially stores that sell used games. This shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise though as many games have made it standard to utilize launch day downloadable content or having users with new copies get free codes for online play while players with used copies generally have to pay an additional fee. These practices alone have made it readily apparent that the gaming industry is shifting away from the age of trading back games. Though it would affect a business worth millions in used games.

Not to mention make it more difficult for some games to get played, people are willing to pay top dollar for a big name but will they pay full price for other titles that don’t receive as much press?

Despite all the controversy and questions the state of gaming is not up to us at Generation, it is up to the gamers to decide if it’s secure or not.

Onto the Sony side of things, the company is holding an event regarding “the future of Playstation” on February 20th. Many are speculating that this will be the event where they unveil the PS4.

There are multiple new features rumored for Sony’s next flagship console ranging from cellphone control to screen sharing between users. Another rumor regarding the Playstation 4 is that its controller will have a touch screen similar to that of the Wii U or Sony’s own PS Vita.

For all the good rumors, there does seem

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HIRING N O I T A L U C R CI R O T C E R DI Job Gen entails e vari ration distrib ous utin M a g gaz loca ine tion to cam s ar oun pus d .

Email: ubgeneration@gmail.com

HE SAID SHE SAID

Bad Ideas Edition

Article By: Paul “Taco Truck” Stephan and Laura “You Don’t Understand” Borschel

Why does everyone think child labor is a bad idea? Kids could handle it back in the 19th century; why not now?

I’m that guy in your political science class who thinks communism is a good idea. Why does everyone give me weird looks when I raise my hand in class every day?

HS: Too many children are going into labor every year, and that’s because kids today just aren’t being taught to use birth control. Do most 8-year-olds even know how to put a condom on a banana? No, and until they can we’re never going to stop child labor. Wake up, America.

SS: It is inconceivable to me that you think mere children should be subjected to the horror that is teen pregnancy. Just because 12-year-olds were giving birth in the 19th century does NOT make it okay for it to happen now. You know what else they had in the 19th century? Slavery. Think about that one.

HS: We’re not annoyed. We’re just really interested in all the great insights you bring to every single question the professor asks, and even the ones he doesn’t ask. In fact, I know some Long Island girls that you should meet. I’m sure you guys could talk for hours.

SS: It’s simply because most of them are from America, whose government is a totalitarian regime that doesn’t allow free speech, basic human rights, or even allow students to throw protests in their local squares. They are simply trying to bring you, the proletariat, down.

My friends want to try vodka tampons this weekend, and I’m a little worried. Have you guys ever tried this?

Let’s settle this question once and for all: Are roofies a bad idea?

HS: Vodka tampons are a new trend sweeping the nation, much like the choking game before it. I say it’s worth a shot.

The only problem with this is if you’re a boy. As we all know, guys that put things in the hole of their anus are gay. And you don’t want to wake up gay.

SS: According to ABC News, 90% of all underage drinking can be attributed to vodka tampons. Literally everyone is doing this. Forget your average bath salts, hand sanitizer, catnip, and Colgate toothpaste. Now you can regulate your fun in various sizes, whether it be “regular,” “super,” or even “maxi” levels of fun.

HS: I’m actually in a Gender Studies class right now titled, “Roofies: Legalize it?” Personally I think we should make roofies legal, because then the government wouldn’t spend so much money putting people in jail for using them. And some cancer patients use roofies for totally medicinal purposes.

There are even dispensaries all over California. It’s not like people are being raped or sexually assaulted all across the country or anything like that.

SS: As Abraham Lincoln once said, “Where dem hos at?”

That is why I fully support legislation to decriminalize roofies for those found in possession of them. We have to look at the facts; all of these offenders are non-violent and not a risk to society whatsoever. It’s not as if those who are found in possession of the now “illicit” substance have any ill

intentions towards anyone else. Again, it’s not like they are going around and raping young women or violating anyone else’s body.

Lance Armstrong has apparently been doping for a while. What are your thoughts on this?

HS: At least he had the ball to admit his faults.

SS: Because I am a reasonable person, I believe in the idea that the ends justify the means. Who cares if he violated legal and social boundaries? He still won the race and made ‘Merica proud. In fact, Armstrong’s courage reminds me of another great and honest American, George Bush. Like George Bush, Armstrong wasn’t afraid to bend a few useless regulations to get the job done. Whether it be doping or water boarding, as America we got the job done.

What are some bad ideas that you guys have tried to put in this column before?

HS: Rape jokes, Israel jokes, many things that are too sexual even for your 20-year-old eyes, genocide jokes, and my personal favorite, rape jokes.

SS: So the way we do our creative process it to start with the most offensive jokes and stereotypes out there. Usually from there, we achieve a level of slightly more appropriate jokes. We like to use controversial material most of the time because we feel that the way in which we approach the subject matter is through heavy irony and satire. We really mean no offense to others, except for Long Island girls. We have a personal beef with all of you.

Send your questions to ubgeneration@gmail.com!

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e h T d e k a N ruth T

yB By: All e l c i t r A

L

ast summer, something crazy happened: an erotica series topped bestseller lists across the globe. The 50 Shades of Grey series was being read poolside, in bedrooms and countless other places all summer long by everyone from middle-aged housewives, to college females and their grandmothers. Even men, both gay and straight, were caught reading the series. It was as though out of nowhere it became acceptable to not only read porn, but to read it in public and hold in depth discussions on it.

It didn’t take long for people to go from discussing erotic novels to openly discussing porn videos. Say what you want about the bestselling series, but it certainly played a part in the resurgence of the porn industry. The fact of the matter is, sex sells. In fact, it sells so well that there is an entire industry dedicated to it that is worth billions. In 2013 alone, the U.S. porn industry is expected to make 14 billion dollars. Yet for an industry so large and profitable, there is a stigma hanging over it that has only recently begun to shift.

Pornography’s History Porn has been around for centuries. Long before the first motion picture, people were telling stories of sexual encounters and writing them down. Our ancestors viewed sex as a natural part of life, not something to be hidden behind closed doors. There are cultures whose ancient wedding ceremonies involved the bride and groom consummating their marriage in the center of the town. It is only in modern history that we truly began to stigmatize sex.

As formal governments took over, laws forbidding pornography and prostitution became the norm, even though the people didn’t necessarily agree with it. Back in the beginning of the 18th century, John Cleland wrote Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure: Fanny Hill. Today, Fanny Hill is considered a classic and can -16-

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alcerza

be found on the syllabii for English classes across the U.S. and Europe. But when Cleland first wrote it, he was thrown in jail for crude writing and public indecency. Despite the British government’s attempt to contain the book, it became extremely popular with the masses. If there is one thing that has not changed over time, it is human’s fascination with everything sexual.

Flash-forward to the 1900s and the first hints of a societal change of view on sex can be seen with the introduction of more revealing swimsuits for women. Designers realized that people, especially Americans, were ready to show more skin, and responded accordingly. Gone were the days of long skirts and cover-ups at the beach, and in were swimsuits that would begin to reveal more and more skin with each passing decade. At this point in American history, sex was still a taboo topic, but the objectifying of the body was still a part of mainstream culture. During WWII, women became part of the war effort by signing up to be members of the USO. The Army would then dress them up in tight, “standard issue” uniforms, and fly the women to Europe, where they’d perform for soldiers on the front lines.

During the sixties and seventies the counterculture bred an air of promiscuity that eventually spread from hippies and young people to adults in the workforce. Suddenly the Supreme Court was deciding on what could be defined as obscene (Miller v. California) and what deemed something as child pornography (New York v. Ferber). As the court put more and more restrictions on pornography, a clear divide formed among Americans. People were either anti-pornography or for it, and as a result the porn industry became even more stigmatized.

The Power of the Internet As the Internet has expanded, so has the porn industry. A quick Google search can quickly provide anyone with a slew of sites to watch, read, or even participate in porn. To access a majority of the sites all someone has to do is provide a birth date (real or not) showing they’re over 18. With only a dropdown menu between your eyes and porn, it’s no wonder it has become ubiquitous in our society. Since the emergence of the Internet the war on porn has become even more difficult.

Thanks in part to the initial Internet mentality of anything goes and everything is free, the porn industry was able to expand into the bedroom of almost every house in America. Access to porn was at people’s fingertips and no longer required a trip to the video store. It looked as though the industry had won the fight. But parents continued to voice concerns over a minor’s access to pornography, leading to the passage of the 1996 Communications Decency Act (CDA) which criminalized the dissemination of pornography to children via the Internet.

Then in 1998 the Child Online Protection Act (COPA), which focused on commercial porn sites. The act was continually contested in numerous courts until 2004 when it found as infringing on consenting adults’ rights to view pornography, leading to it be struck down. At the center of the pornography debate is the issue of censorship and First Amendment rights. While no one is arguing that children should be allowed to watch porn, no one has been able to come up with an extensive way to stop it without restricting the rights of adults looking for the same content.

The warnings on porn sites saying, “You must be 18 or older to enter this site,” can only do so much to deter minors from viewing porn. In fact, in recent years the warning has disappeared from some of the bigger name pages since lying about your age is easily done online. In the 21st century there seems to have developed an acceptance that people are going to watch porn whether they’re of age or not, and the best way to stop anyone underage is to watch them while online.

The Industry Reacts The somewhat acceptance of porn as a part of society has allowed the industry to grow tremendously. All anyone needs is an Internet connection and millions of free videos are at their fingertips. While this has exposed many more people to pornography, it has also cracked away at the industry’s base.

Prior to the Internet, people had to pay money every time they wanted to view pornography or read erotica. This necessity of monetary exchange is how any industry makes a profit and grows in the business sector, and porn is no different. But just like bookstores and video game companies, the porn industry has had to adapt to changing times.

People will not pay for something they can get for free online. Especially in this economy, many people would rather forego quality in favor of obtaining something for nothing. With the spread of free videos and erotica online, the porn industry has struggled to retain its commercial hold on sexual entertainment. What used to be considered a “stepping stone” to an actual acting career has now become a difficult-to-enter field.

Millionaire porn stars such as Ron Jeremy or Jenna Jameson are not the norm in the porn industry, despite what rumors may say. The actors get paid by the scene, and many make only a modest living. Male porn stars who consistently work make on average $30k-40k a year while women make anywhere from $500-$2,500 a shoot, which can lead to about $75k-200k a year on average.

As in any field, more experience means more money and better jobs. But as production companies lose more and more revenue thanks to free online sites, the pay of the actors and actresses has decreased. For a female to make $2,500 for a single shoot now, she must have a cult-like following in the adult entertainment world and be a guaranteed moneymaker for the company.

As a result, many stars and production companies have begun to diversify.

Gone are the days of focusing solely on videos and in are the days where both stars and producers must develop their own lines of sex toys, condoms, clothing and etc. To have a career in the porn industry and make a decent living, industry members are finding that they need to come off the computer or TV screen and actually be in the room.

Jenna Jameson is arguably the richest porn star in the business and has been called the “Queen of Porn.” She did over 60 films in her career and at one point was earning $60k for a day and a half of shooting. Back in 2001, Jameson began Club Jenna, an online site that not only provided pornographic pictures and video, but also explicit diaries, relationship advice and supposedly stock tips to members with a paid subscription. The site later on diversified into managing other porn sites before eventually producing its own pornographic films and hosting live entertainment in Scottsdale, Arizona. When Jameson retired in 2007, Club Jenna was making an estimated $30 million per year, making it the most successful business venture by a big name porn star.

Sex and the Future In order for the porn industry to continue being as profitable as it has been in past years, it will need to keep diversifying and work with lawmakers so help keep minors off their websites. Americans are becoming more open about their sexual desires thanks to books like 50 Shades of Grey and household names such as Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson, but these inroads will only go so far. People move from one fad to the other, and by summer they may no longer be openly reading erotic novels while lying on the beach.

Gone are the days of actors, producers and directors meeting on set, filming a movie and then calling it a day. They must get out into the community, show that they care about their fans and that their off-Hollywood status can provide good to society just like any other big name celebrity loaning their name to charity. Luckily some of the larger names in porn have already acknowledged the need to become accepted as part of everyday culture and are making attempts to reverse the stigma on the industry.

A multi-billion dollar industry won’t just disappear overnight, and it’ll certainly take more than a single piece of legislation such as L.A.’s condom requirement to reduce its size. However, unlike the banks on Wall Street, if the porn industry begins to hemorrhage money, Washington won’t be providing a bailout. With each fundraiser for medical research and community event attended, both porn stars and production companies are showing Americans that they are here, they are proud of what to do, and they’re not going anywhere.

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“Straight Girl at the Gay Club: Article By: Keighley Farrell

BuffaLove

A How-To”

A

s a Rochester native, I’m pretty clueless when it comes to Buffalo nightlife. On a normal Saturday night, you’re more likely to find me at home playing Tetris than out on the town, but this past weekend, I traded my PJ’s in for a very interesting night at Buffalo’s own Club Marcella. “Marcella’s” is (as some of you probably know) a gay bar, so I was very interested in how I was going to fare in this new and unfamiliar scene.

However, I believe I acquired some pretty valuable life lessons I’m willing to share with anyone else taking the plunge in to the theater district’s sassiest attraction.

I’ll begin with my expectation of the night. While it sounds arrogant to say I expected to get hit on at all, I (at the very least) expected to get hit on by women. After all, we were going to a “gay” club. So I readied my mentality to be swarmed by beautiful Latina women in salsa gowns, and was thoroughly surprised to find exactly the opposite waiting once we arrived. I was addressed by quite a few straight men at Marcella’s, a possibility that I wasn’t necessarily prepared for, but now completely understand.

A straight guy going to a gay bar to pick up chicks pretty brilliant and devious concept, but if you’re a straight girl trying not to get hit on, or a gay guy trying to find a nice companion, it can be pretty off-putting and startling. For example, one of my cohorts (who, for the sake of integrity, will not be named) was having a joyous time dancing on one of the stripper poles that are open to the public. (There -18-

are two!) While swinging away and having a straight ol’ time, a man came to join her and started using his admirable dancing skills to work his way on to the pole.

Friend, not being entirely aware of the situation, began to dance with this stranger as if he were gay, and it wasn’t until we yelled at her in a panic that she looked down and saw his apparent “enthusiasm” was off the charts. (We shared a good laugh about that later.) Thus initiated an essential job for each of us to keep our fellow club-goers updated on whether or not their seemingly platonic interactions might have been a little more convoluted than they initially seemed.

Something else I didn’t expect was the amount of freedom and comfort that occurred (as the night progressed) in regards to the bathrooms. Being a pretty “anything-goes” space, people stopped caring about who used which room, how many people entered each stall, whether or not it might be appropriate to talk to the person peeing next to you, I could go on forever. The bathrooms are like a little club of their own, with people of all different backgrounds and creeds gathering under the common cause of being too intoxicated to care about what was going on around them. Lowered inhibitions, in this case, provide a melting pot of diverse characters that are each as giggly and interesting as the last.

That being said, I would make sure you always have a buddy to accompany you on any lavatory excursions; while people might be aggressively

friendly, some might be TOO friendly, as one of my cohorts who was present that night can attest to.

This last point goes out to anyone going to ANY kind of club or party at any time, because it is one of my biggest pet peeves in the nightlife universe.

If you’re at a place with amazing music, tons of people, and a general air of extreme enthusiasm, please just dance. Move. Talk to people. Do anything at all that is outside of your comfort zone, and abandon your expectations for the night with the prospect that the unpredictable can be just as fun. (And in most cases, can lead to some pretty awesome new friends and adventures. I’ve made quite a few cheerful acquaintances just washing my hands at the club.)

Marcella’s is the perfect place to explore new social experiences, so don’t be afraid to pole dance, bathroom swap, and fraternize to your hearts’ desire. For these reasons and many more, undisclosed for various reasons, this straight girl will most certainly be returning to the gay club.

BuffaLove

E V O L

Putting the

in Buffalove

that was softened by an empathetic apology. I made plans to hang out with Taylor later in the evening. In the meantime though I was responsible for watching my eight-year-old sister, Simone’s, soccer practice.

I had decided not to give out flowers this year because of a combination of reasons.

On the way home, my sister asked me whether or not the two lovely ladies were in relationships. Neither were.

“Well did you get them flowers?” Simone asked.

When I answered the negative she insisted that we go into the next store and get them both flowers. So we went into the Wegman’s Target plaza on Tranhis is a typical Valentine’s Day love story. Though it is not that of boy sit Road. This was when we saw the sea of older gentlemen that were either meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy gets girl. No this is a love story in the doghouse or preparing to be. There was no such thing as a red rose about my two closest friends, both female, and the very last roses in Amherst in Wegmans. Our next stop was to the Target in which we found ourselves embroiled in a small battle for the flowers. on Valentines.

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The story really begins over the last few years where I have made a tradition of giving out flowers each year on the holiday. In the high school I went to I would give as much as twelve dollars for fifty-cent flowers on Valentines Day, just to make my friends feel important. Upon graduation I would continue this, occasionally giving chocolate or cards or writing poems instead.

“Why didn’t they buy their wives flowers earlier?” Simone asked with a genuine sense of curiosity in her voice, as we trudged around the store. And then we saw it, a display of flowers. Amongst a sea of unwanted yellow flowers were two-dozen red roses. Though in any given situation where there are two sets of flowers at Target, one was obviously a higher quality than the other.

Moving forward to last year, I found Valentines Day to be an extremely interesting day. I had a relationship end at around three in the morning.

By eight I found myself burning the three-dozen roses that I had bought for my now ex. Rather than watch the death of enough flowers to supply a lecture hall. I saved a few and elected to continue my tradition. The majority of which ended up in the possession of my best friend, Ally. The rest of the morning and well into the afternoon, I found myself sharing the day with Ally whom gave me the best present she possibly could, she laughed at my jokes. (Note: If you’ve ever seen Ally and myself in real life, she almost never laughs at my jokes. I don’t care if it was a pity laugh, Ally laughed at my jokes and that made my day.)

To make everything fair for everyone, I took both sets of flowers. Simone, at my side swelled up with pride and made sure that I promise to tell them that their flowers were her idea.

After totaling the rest of the purchase I went to return one of the sets of flowers electing to give Taylor and Ally a half dozen each. And then we ran into a group of the best of what older gentlemen have to offer. Much like zombies after brains in Warm Bodies the men had no choice but to make a movement for the flowers.

“I don’t care if they’re going to be in trouble for not getting stuff. If my husband forgot me on Valentine’s Day, I’d be divorced,” was said along with Later in the day I found myself watching scary movies with my other won- other insults. derful best friend, Taylor. She turned my abysmal evening into a gore-fueled night of laughter. There was also a large portion of chocolate eaten. I’ve The wisdom of an eight year old resonated with the men there. As the crowd known Taylor for years and it was the best thing she could have done to dispersed albeit with many giving the gentleman that quickly grasped my cheer me up. The point of the story is this: I love my friends with all my rejected flowers and myself very grim looks. Though it was all worthwhile, when I gave Ally and Taylor their flowers, they loved them. It might not have heart. been my most romantic Valentine’s Day, but it was still great.

Fast-forward a year to this Valentine’s Day. It started in much the same way, woke up to being romantically disappointed. And then had a conversation The things I do for love. with Ally about it, leading to a combination of, “told ya so,” type reactions Article By: Carlton N. Brock The Third

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LITERARY

Mr.Wrinkles Article By: Angelina Bruno

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here is not much to do on a Sunday evening in my town. Not that there is much to do in any town on a Sunday evening, but I just find myself too excited to sit still for long, especially on the day of rest. I look down at the pug lying on the braided living room rug, catching the last of the afternoon sunrays. His sides heave as he pants in the afternoon heat yet he doesn’t move out of the light. I decide to take him for a walk to help pass the time.

“C’mon boy! Come here, Mr. Wrinkles.” He looks up at the sound of my voice and patters over to where I stand with his leash. He stops in front of me, his tail wagging but not in the crazed way most dogs react when they find out they are about to sniff thousands of new scents. I crouch down in front of him, “Hey boy, aren’t you excited to claim some new trees! Chase some cats?

There’s endless possibilities, buddy!”

He just looks at me, tail still wagging. I stare back into his eyes for a moment wondering what he’s really thinking but then I’m ready to go, even if he isn’t excited for the walk, I sure am.

He’s a peculiar little thing, about eight years old. Can’t really expect him not to be weird when he is the equivalent of a fifty-six year old man named Mr. Wrinkles. I would never saddle a dog with that name. Jack or Spot, those are dog names, but Mr. Wrinkles is no ordinary dog.

Too dignified, too well behaved, he should be named after a lord or a monarch or something. Introducing Lord Rupert of the land of Fire Hydrant!

I grew up in this house and remember him as a puppy. I was so excited when the neighbor’s dog had a litter. Mr. W was the quiet one, always calm. I remember because he was the exact opposite of me; at least that’s what our neighbor Ms. Mary Sue always liked to say.

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“Nothing like your boy Beth, no not at all,” she would say laughing her high-pitched guffaw until I thought she might pass out from lack of air.

I actually found it rather insulting when she kept him out of all the pups in the litter. After all the jokes she made, I took it personally. I watched all his rambunctious and playful siblings go home with new families always hoping my mother wouldn’t get any ideas and try to sell me off too.

Despite all her quips at my expense, Ms. Mary Sue still decided to trust me to dog sit while she went to visit her sister in Florida.

She left rather abruptly depositing Mr. Wrinkles, food, a leash and a long list of instructions on the front porch. She practically danced down the driveway to the waiting taxi proclaiming, “This old girl needs some citrus and sun!”

After glancing at the extensive list then tossing it on the wicker porch chair, I wondered why she had trusted me. Probably because I’m not the same crazy kid anymore who used to run round her garden pretending to fight her lawn gnomes. I had some good times in her garden. Even though I was a bit jealous of the affection Mr. Wrinkles received as opposed to the many reproaches I had to bear, I still liked to look up from playing and see him watching me, tail wagging slightly.

As we head outside for our walk, a feeling of contentment washes over me until I realize he has stopped. He seems to be coughing, making little gagging noises. We aren’t far from my porch, so I dash back up the stairs to where I left the list the day before. It’s smudged from the morning dew and I can’t read a thing. I frantically dial Ms. Mary Sue’s number,

“Hey, there!”

“Thank god you’re there, it’s Mr. Wrinkles, he…”

“I hope you don’t need anything important because I’ll be in Florida all week…”

I hung up before the beep and looked over to the dog. He was still making coughing sounds but they had calmed down a little. I got the phone book and sat down in a chair in front of him. His coughing started to worsen again and I frantically searched the pages for the number of a vet. Just as I found one I looked up to realize he was standing in front of me. We looked at each other for a moment then he promptly threw up on my shoes. He looked up at me again then scampered back to his spot on the rug and proceeded to fall asleep. As gross as it was, I’m just glad the little guy is okay.

LITERARY Literary Submissions

This week’s submissions come from sophomore English major, Amanda Jowsey, junior English major, Rachel Panepinto, and an anonymous submission. If you would like to submit poetry or short stories for future publication please send them to genliteraryeditor@gmail.com.

WINDCHILL By: Amanda L. Jowsey

It’s so cold outside today-- a literal five degrees-the black streets covered in filthy white; the orange ball up in the sky skewed under a strange hue of gray.

Drowning the sound of a neighbor’s stereo, with purple headphones, wire strung over my chest, pulling at the center.

Resolutions made, intention hardly kept, but we each stand up to fall in our own ways.

Trapped inside like children gazing cloudy windows, rainy days-but there isn’t even rain-- just stillness and the ugly stain of absence.

Projections on the frosted glass Self-reflect, fingers gently pressed to lips kissing the sun goodbye and away.

Now or Never Untitled By: Rachel Panepinto Number 18 Soon, maybe not foreseeable, or abruptly, but— soon. Our bodies will begin to decay, not the usual kind of way, but— they will wither, and wither away.

Without warning, without knowing, without seeing.

We are disguising— Listen.

Stop— We’re missing everything in-between.

We’re missing everything between The seems and un-seems, Between our dreams— Stop— We’re going to miss it all, we’re going to rot and consume all those earthworms before we get the words right, before we get the chance to stay Beautiful.

By: Anonymous I hang at the end of every word you have said suspended , in vague air. far away, but close enough to want to get closer.

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PARTING SHOTS “Childhood Obsessions”

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he other week I went to a steak house for one of my friend’s birthdays. We all had a great time and celebrated, but another thing sprang to mind when the waitress placed a rare 18 oz steak in front of my awe struck eyes; my childhood love affair and obsession with meat. Now I know what you must be thinking, “So you happened to like hamburgers and just didn’t want to eat your vegetables. Your obsession couldn’t have been that bad.” Wrong.

As I kid, I was literally consumed by the tantalizing thoughts of ham, lamb chops, bacon, and the most coveted meat of all, steak. I was essentially a miniature version of Ron Swanson minus the mustache.

It got so intense that one of my favorite destinations outside of normal “kid” spots, like the playground and Chuckie Cheese, was the Federal Meats store near where I lived.

Any local person from Buffalo or WNY can pretty much tell you what Federal Meats

is; they are a series of local meat markets and butchers shop that service the greater Buffalo area. And while I acknowledge this universal truth, to me it was something much more. It was a magical land paved laden with all of my desires.

I would run up to the glass cases and peer in at the varied concoctions that looked like they were put on display especially for me. Even in their uncooked glory, they looked perfect to me. The ham spread, the sausage, the tenderloin, all of it spoke to me, calling my name like the sirens that Odysseus faced. In short, I was mesmerized by their raw potential state and the possible flavors and tastes that they possessed. As I sunk deeper and deeper into the spiral of obsession, I came to a very critical life decision. I would become a butcher to fulfill my need and love of all things meat.

I would boastfully claim to the butchers every time I walked in along side my mother that I too was going to follow the noble and respectable path of becoming an artisan. I

Article By: Sarah Antao

G

rocery stores on the weekends are always a zoo. So what’s a smartphoneless college student to do when standing in a long check-out line? Well, there’s the old standby of fake texting until you come up with something you actually want to say to someone, and then there’s my personal favorite: reading magazine headlines.

Usually, I bide my time reading things like, “K-stew’s Pregnant with R-Patz’s Alien Twins!”, “Lindsay Lohan Did Something Terrible for Her Career- AGAIN!”, or “O, The Oprah Magazine: Yep, We’re Still a thing,” etc. But as I was standing in line mulling over a potential gum purchase, I saw headlines that basically read: “How to Survive Valentine’s Day”, “Anti-Valentine’s Party Ideas!”, “Why Valentine’s Day Sucks”, and the like.

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Article By: Laura Borschel

I get it. It’s February. So naturally, the moaning and groaning about how awful it is to be single on Valentine’s Day has begun. And if I’m being totally honest, it’s all become quite exhausting.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard a conspiracy theory on how V-Day is a fabricated holiday made up by the greeting card industry, designed to trick people into buying grossly overpriced pieces of cardstock with cheesy pre-written

remember looking back and remembering how puzzled (and soon amused) both of my parents were over my future career choice. They knew of my deeply rooted love and yet remained skeptical that I would actually go through with it. They took to calling me their “carnivore” to our family friends and relatives when I was brought up in conversation. I, of course, took this all in stride, after all, some of the most powerful dinosaurs were carnivores. I was like a little baby raptor, learning to mature and fight for my own food, above the boring and rather depressing herbivores.

Well, as my parents predicted, my obsession lessened over the years, to where I no longer aspired to be a craftsman of meat, and I went onto other more worldly obsessions like martial arts and competitive shooting. But I still feel a bit of that same heavenly twinge every time I bite into a nicely prepared steak and it all floods back to me.

Four for you, Glen Coco. sentiments, I’d have enough money to buy one (or maybe even two) of those overpriced pieces of cardstock that ALSO plays music when opened.

Don’t get me wrong, watching people receive candy-grams from their “secret admirers” during class has never really warmed me to the holiday (Not everyone can be Glen Coco, try as they might.)

And it’s never easy to keep one’s lunch down when the campus turns into a PDA landmine. With that said, it could be so easy to just bring the doom and gloom and list a bunch of statistics pointing out today’s crazy high divorce rates and the enormous profits of the wedding industry while someone is trying to enjoy an episode of Say Yes to the Dress.

So what if you’re not in relationship? Or just not seeing someone? Or have a beloved cat to grow old with you? Maybe the singleperson’s answer to Valentine’s Day isn’t spending an entire day making memes about being forever alone but spending the day, enjoying a front row seat to one of the few days a year that people act like idiots: the grand romantic gestures, the even grander rejections, the sneak attack serenades… all in the name of “love”.

All I’m saying is that indifference is a beautiful thing. The energy you could be expending being a curmudgeon, you could be using to design a drinking game for whatever romantic Valentine’s Day movie happens to be on TV. Some cues that I thought of off the top of my head: 1. Make-over montage 2. Lead female character trips/falls/drops something 3. Lead male character catches her/ whatever she dropped 4. Staring longingly out a rainy window 5. Snarky/Sassy Best Friend giving sage advice 6. Overbearing/Handsome/Awkward Boss throws a wrench in date plans 7. Sliding down a wall while laughing/crying …the possibilities are really endless.

Though, if you turn on Lifetime- you might die. So be responsible.

I guess what I’m getting at is: if you can’t beat them, join them. And if you can’t join them, watch the Lifetime rom-com movie marathon and sit back with the weird box chocolates your mom sent to you in the mail.