Hannah Doyle Soft

EAR TO

THE GROUNDBODIES EDITION

NICOLA SPOOR

26-year-old Social Work student Nicola (she/her) wanted to contribute to this GenZine issue in particular. Her past experiences with eating disorders and body dysmorphia have prompted her to use her voice and share her thoughts with us.

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BODY?

I would say my relationship with my body is quite a love/hate one and a very complex one. It’s hard. I feel like I flip between having a really good relationship with my body and then having a really bad one.

I think that also comes from having society’s image of a ‘perfect body’ constantly displayed everywhere I look. It’s been a constant battle between me wanting to be something that I’m not, and then accepting that I’m not ever going to be that and being okay with it, but then going back again. So there’s moments where I feel really empowered, and then there are moments where I feel really shit. It’s just very back and forth.

WHEN DO YOU FEEL MOST CONNECTED TO YOUR BODY?

I’ll be really honest; I don’t think I’ve ever felt connected to my body. Which is quite sad, honestly. But yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever felt a connection with my body fully or even really had good feelings towards my own body. I tend to avoid it like it’s the plague sometimes, and I know that’s not a healthy thing for me so it is something that I’m really trying to undo. There are all of these learnt behaviours and impressions and opinions that I have of myself and it’s really hard to undo all of that. I do hope that one day I can feel connected to my body.

HOW HAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BODY CHANGED OVER THE YEARS?

I think one of the biggest learnings for me in relation to bodies was when I had weight loss surgery at the age of twenty, which is very young. And the mentality was, ‘This will make me lose weight. I will be really skinny. I will finally be a pretty, skinny girl and all my problems with my body will go away.’

And the reality was that that isn’t true. Yes, I did lose a lot of weight and I’m very grateful for that, healthwise. But I just found other reasons to not like myself. It wasn’t necessarily my weight now, it was my acne, my stretch marks, or the hair on my legs.

That was a wake-up call that it’s not necessarily about how big I am, it’s that I need to learn to accept and love myself. That experience helped me realise that it isn’t the physical work that I need to do. It’s that internal work of being able to accept that I’m not going to look like you, or them, or like anyone that I see online and that’s okay because that’s not what I should be striving to be.

WHEN HAVE YOU FOUND IT DIFFICULT TO APPRECIATE YOUR BODY?

This is actually something I’ve recently been experiencing. During COVID, I put on a little bit more weight - just enough to go up one dress size. I kept trying to squeeze myself into my old clothing. Realising that I had put on weight again after

so long set off this panic mode in my brain where I almost instantly reverted back to my sixteen-yearold self, thinking, ‘Oh my God, what have you done?’ From one dress size! It was so shocking for me that putting on a little bit of weight was enough for me to undo years of work and instantly go back to that toxic headspace.

However, because of the 5 or 6 years of experience that I’ve had postsurgery, I could bring these extreme thoughts down to something that’s realistic and a bit more manageable, like, ‘Hang on, you’re just fluctuating a bit.’ So you do get triggered by things and then it all comes back and you’ve got to deal with all of those thoughts and feelings again. I think it’s about understanding your body and that you will fluctuate with your sizings and such. There is no solution - it’s more about management. That experience of going up a size was a real awakening for me to go, ‘Well, I really need to learn how to manage this properly because I cannot keep having breakdowns every time I put on a little bit of weight.’

WHAT PART OF YOURS AND/OR OTHERS’ BODIES DO YOU FIND MOST INTERESTING?

I like hips. Well, mine kill me these days, but I think because they’re such a central point of the human body. It’s sort of right where the legs start and the torso ends. There’s also so many shapes and sizes. Recently I’ve really understood just how incredible the human body is, and just how resilient it is and everything that it can do. It’s just amazing. It has the ability to heal itself, and it gives you warnings when things aren’t right - it’s just such an amazing thing, and I think it’s often taken for granted just how lucky we are to have a human body. I think the human body is a lot more capable than the human mind will allow you to believe.

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF IN THREE WORDS?

Work in progress.

ANY PARTING WORDS FOR READERS?

If you’re having a tough time loving yourself or you feel disconnected from your own body, just try to be as kind to yourself as you can. It’s okay to not fit into those ideals that the world creates for us. And if you are younger and developing, it’s okay. I know it’s hard, but it’s okay and it does get better. Give yourself the time to grow and meet those people that you will connect with. It might just take a bit longer than you were hoping for.

Interviewed by Emily Bartush (she/they)

A TIGHT SQUEEZE NICOLA SPOOR (SHE/HER) @NICOLA.SPOOR