Spoof 2015 — NICE Magazine

FREE VOLUME 01 NUMBER 1

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TABLE OF CONTENTS Volume 01 Number 1

ON THE COVER: Is that a snake in your pants, Brumpo, or are you just happy to see me?

4 MASTHEAD

12 DO’S AND DONT’S

4 EMPLOYEES OF THE MONTH

14 CALGARY: THE COMPTON OF CANADA Calgary is Dangerous — Though We Barely Notice

5 FRONT OF THE BOOK 6 I SMOKED WEED AND WENT TO THE ZOO One Man’s Descent Into Drug-Fueled Hysteria

10 SALIVATING SEX POSITIONS How Not to be a Loser in the Sheets

15 SKINEMA Review: Calgary Transclit: Route 69

16 RECORD REVIEWS 17 FULL BLEED

11 HEROIN IS SO PASSÉ Why Our Interns Are Glad They Contacted Tuberculosis

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FOUNDERS Jason Herring, Connor Sadler NICE MAGAZINE WRITERS PORN MASTER TRULY AWAKENED WEED USER ’90s GLAM INTERN ABUSER LIFELONG CALGARIAN SEXPERT CAMERA JOCKEY GRAPHICS SUMMONER PENCIL CRAYON EXPERT

ESTEEMED EDITORS Melanie Woods Sean Willett Nicole Montford Liam Harrison Hayden McBennett Louie Villanueva Kaleem Khan Dawn Muenchrath

FORMER EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Riley Hill NEW EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Kate Jacobson Thank you for constantly correcting us when we were making this issue.

INCOMING EDITORS

CONTRIBUTORS BRUMPO TUNGUS’ PENIS ABUSED INTERNS

TIME WASTERS

PRESIDENT OF THE USA FREQUENT SMASH BROS. PLAYERS

MINI EGGS CONSUMED

Elaine Benhissss Draydyn McKenzie Evangeline Countless Others Settlers of Catan Super Smash Bros.

Dungeons & Dragons Barrack “Accountablity” Obama Tungo Bees?

Jerk Jherr 1.2 kg

IMAGE CREDITS LOUIE VILLANUEVA BRUMPO TUNGUS DAWN MUENCHRATH RACHEL WOODWARD (MODEL) ASHTON CHUGH (MODEL) SEAN WILLETT (MODEL)

Pg. 1 – 4, 9 – 10, 12 – 13 Pg. 7 – 8 Pg. 5, 11, 14 Pg. 10, 15 Pg. 3 Cover, Pg. 17

SHOUTING EDITOR RABBLE ROUSING EDITOR HIP YOUNGN’N EDITOR SPROTS EDITOR HOT TAKES EDITOR PICTURE BOX EDITOR MOVING PICTURES EDITOR AMBASSADOR OF THE LOL’S CHART BUILDING EDITOR

Kate Jacobson (k.j@nice.com) Fabian Mayer (f.b@nice.com) Jason Herring (j.h@nice.com) Sonny Sachedeva (s.s@nice.com) Sean Willett (s.w@nice.com) Louie Villanueva (l.v@nice.com) Eric Gonzalez (e.g@nice.com) Melanie Woods (m.w@nice.com) Samantha Haslam (s.h@nice.com)

OUTGOING EDITORS SHOUTING EDITOR RABBLE ROUSING EDITOR HIP YOUNGN’N EDITOR SPROTS EDITOR HOT TAKES EDITOR PICTURE BOX EDITOR MARKER & CRAYON EDITOR AMBASSADOR OF THE LOL’S CHART BUILDING EDITOR

Riley Hill (r.h@nice.com) Chris Adams (c.a@nice.com) Liv Ingram (l.i@nice.com) Ashton Chugh (a.c@nice.com) Kate Jacobson (k.j@nice.com) Louie Villanueva (l.v@nice.com) Dawn Muenchrath (d.m@nice.com) Melanie Woods (m.w@nice.com) Kaleem Khan (k.k@nice.com)

GOLDEN SPATULA RECIPIENTS TINY DOG RACHEL’S YOUNGER BROTHER CAMPUS DIVE BAR THE UNKNOWN VOLUNTEER A SPORTS STORY WRITING BOT

Cricket Foster The Den Party Room A mass of ones and zeros Our new robot overlord

EMPLOYEES OF THE MONTH

JASON HERRING NICE 4

Although he was reluctantly dragged into editing this supplement, Jason has worked tirelessly to help create this glourious spoof of Vice magazine. His hard work has paid off and now we have 18 pages of jokes about dick bugs and elitism. Truly we are professional journalists. In his spare time Jason is usually playing Super Smash Bros. and annoying the shit out of people by choosing Ness.

Once a studious young lad who spent his free time placing miniature ships into bottles, some wonder what happened to lead Connor to this dreadful place.

Maybe it was the anime. Maybe it was the Vietnamese subs.

Maybe the rock sugar at his desk is truly something far more sinister. No matter how Connor happened to find himself here, we are glad his beautiful face is now ours to love.

CONNOR SADLER

FRONT OF THE BOOK Whale Lowered into Volcano as Ritualistic Sacrifice In a bout of drug-induced madness, a group of Icelandic whalers lowered a sperm whale into a volcano in an attempt to appease an unknown God. The whale, along with six hungover men, were discovered on the peak of Mount Hekla Monday morning.

On a weekend-long drug-fueled bender, the Icelandic men captured a whale in international waters. While hauling the beast on deck, one of the men claims to have heard “voices from deep space” commanding him and his shipmates to sacrifice the whale by tossing it into Mount Hekla, an active volcano.

According to the ship captain, his crew decided it would be “pretty rad” to haul the creature up the mountain.

None of the men could remember any details about how they made it up the

mountain, however one crew member vaguely recalls “one hell of a wheelbarrow” and “turning into a giant.”

Later, another whale was discovered suspended from a construction crane at the edge of the crater, ill, but still alive.

It’s still unknown how the men managed to transport the whale from the coast of Iceland to the peak of Mount Hekla undetected or where the crane they used to lower the whale came from.

Man Pulls Off Sick Kick Flip After dozens of failed attempts, Julio Rodriguez managed to pull off a sick kickflip last Tuesday while skateboarding near his home in Madrid, Spain. Onlookers described the trick as “dope” and “totally sweet.”

Police Crack Down on Illegal Bear Wrestling Officals patrolling Russia’s Bitsa National Park were suprised when they encountered a civilian wrestling a wild brown bear.

Moscow Police Department officials say youth began wrestling brown bears as a way to kill time and prove their worth. Further investigation revealed a Fight Club-esque bear wrestling ring deep in the woods.

Police watched in awe as a 16-year-old put an adult bear in a headlock, which was quickly reversed by the bear into a

Rodriguez had previously suffered insults and mockery at his many failed attempts, but insisted on continuing his pursuit of the perfect kick flip.

One witness, Miguel Posada, had been one of Rodriguez’s naysayers.

“I got owned pretty hard,” Posada said.

“I thought that he’d never be able to kickflip, but that magnificent skateboarding hero has proven me wrong.”

When we tried to reach Rodriguez for comment, he skateboarded away before we got a word in, pulling off a sick 1080º triple kick flip before disappearing into the sunset.

Full Nelson. The bear and the youth continued to wrestle for close to 10 minutes before the teen pinned the bear.

Bears on the scene quickly fled when the police arrived. All attending citizens were arrested for animal cruelty after receiving high fives from the officers for their sweet wrestling moves.

Scary New Species of Dick Bugs Discovered After countless hours of research, a team of Dutch scientists have discovered a new species of dick bugs terrorizing the genitalia of Dutch citizens.

The new parasites are similar to common pubic lice, except for the burning sensation and occasional spontaneous combustion of pubic hair. This has led to the species being named, “Fire Crabs.”

Baffled by the new discovery, the Dutch government has begun testing on the dick bugs to learn the extent of their harmful effects. According to Prime Minister Rob Rutte, the Dutch goverment will pipe swarms of dick bugs into several locations around the country, especially places where nerds tend to hang out.

When asked about this controversial strategy, Prime Minister Rutte said, “look, if these nerds don’t want to be swarmed with dick bugs then they shouldn’t be such fucking nerds.”

Prime Minister Rutte then grabbed the nearest unpaid intern wearing glasses and put them in a headlock.

Competitive Dynamite Fishing Comes to United States What used to be an illegal southern pastime has exploded into a new competitive sport.

Upon recognizing the popularity of dynamite fishing, The American Association of People who Drink Beer and Use Dynamite (AAPDBUD) has created a professional league for the sport. Official rules have been drafted for the Dynamite Fishing League (DFL), outlining the acceptable uses of other unconventional fishing forms, like bug zappers and harpoon guns.

“We’re just folks who love to fish, but hate all that sissy fishing rod crap,” Butch Davidson, president of AAPDBUD said.

“Through this league we’re gonna find out who’s the best at blowing them fishes out of the water.”

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I SMOKED WEED AND WENT TO THE ZOO One Man’s Descent Into Drug-Fueled Hysteria

By Brumpo Tungus

L

ook, I love the zoo as much as anyone. There are all sorts of crazy animals and shit there. But for this article, I wanted to unlock the full potential of the zoo by using the power of CANNABINOIDS and THC. By opening my mind to the forbidden UNIVERSE ENERGIES channeled by partaking this powerful herb, I can bear witness to a side of these animals that most people would never even dream of. Potentially, I may also bear witness to one or more ACTUAL BEARS. Since marijuana has been made illegal by corporate lobbyists who seek to suppress its formidable healing potential (Google it, look it up), I took care to consume my potable substance in the parking lot.

I should be able to light up wherever I damn well please, but the government is full of CROOKS and FAT CATS. Look

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up Zeitgeist. Look up and watch the movie Zeitgeist.

Anyway, I had a choice between two strains: “God” and “White Widow.” Since religion is a LIE foisted upon us by THE STATE in order to keep the masses subservient, I chose White Widow.

White Widow also reminds me of black widows, which are a type of spider, which are a type of animal that I like a lot. I don’t know if there are any spiders at the zoo. There probably are spiders, but not any that are in an exhibit specifically for spiders. Just, like, wild spiders.

So I went into the zoo, super high on weed. Here are some notes I took while I was in there, accompanied by some amazing photos that I took. I’m pretty sure I could be a professional photographer, but I don’t want to sell my art like a CORPORATE CAPITALIST.

Okay, ready for the zoo. Can’t wait to see the animals.

Oh God. I can’t handle this.

It smells like shit in here and I’m 90 percent sure this moist bird is casting a spell on me.

Gift shops are shrines to CAPITALISM. Am I the only one here who can see this?

Woah! Woah!

Look at these guys! They’re little gremlins! Little tiny gremlins!

Giraffes are basically just tall camels.

I don’t see what the big deal is.

These huge birds have such a beautiful society. No corporations.

We have so much to learn from nature.

These are gross, sweaty monsters.

They remind me of the BANKSTERS on WALL STREET.

UH OH. I found the CAPITALIST ENCLOSURE (Editors note: This was followed by three pages of barely legible ranting)

This is the best animal so far. Very chill turt. We share similar mental frequencies.

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I hate these beasts. One of them turned around and peed at me.

I’d kill them if I could.

I have come to the conclusion that these animals are in a prison.

Also, rhino means ‘nose’ in Latin.

Such power, such strength…

I am crying now.

These are dogs.

This fucking cat ALSO peed at me.

RUDE animals at the zoo.

Awful, slippery fiends.

I scream at them so loud a kid starts crying.

The left one is sending intense psychic harm-waves at the right one.

This is the worst day of my life.

Holy shit. This is what my soul would look like if it was outside of my body.

It was at about that point that I began to sober up. I promptly left the zoo, nursing a particularly powerful psychic headache — a trademark symptom of BRAIN EXPANSION. I could also feel that the cleansing power of marijuana had made me even more immune to cancer.

Reflecting on the day, I thought back on whether or not the drugs really did enhance my zoo going experience. Did I notice aspects of our world that are unseen and unappreci-

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ated by the unenlightened masses? Did I connect with the animals on a psychic and spiritual level, learning more about both them and myself? Did I purchase and eat a hot dog sandwich in what can only be described as a fugue state?

The answer to all of these questions is, of course, yes.

Join me next month, when I take MDMA and try to sign up for car insurance — FOR A CAR I DON’T EVEN HAVE.

BEETS

SUPPLY CO.

THE PREMIER B E E T S S U P P LY C O . G O V

Salivating Sex Positions

BY CRYSTAL LANE s you’re fumbling to undo her bra, you notice a shiny metal crescent poking through her nipple. This, in combination with her NYMPHO tattoo under her naval and the Karma Sutra on the bedside table, have you feeling as experienced as a 15-year-old boy with two-pump stamina.

So, what next? Do you let her take the lead and go along with it? Do you ask her to bring you to sexual enlightenment? No, you pull out your wildest, most gravity-defying sex moves.

We’ve found eight of the most dangerous, kinky moves and tested them at this cool underground sex party you’ve probably never heard of. We recommend that if you’re trying more than one of these moves in a night that you have a paramedic on site, a full container of antihistamines and a premade penis splint fitted for you or your partner’s member.

A

The Nice staff does not recommend licking pineapples in the bedroom

The Ear Bender You must prepare for months to master this move. First, buy a small ear gauge.

Gradually replace the gauge with successively larger gauges. Once your ear hole is wide enough to accommodate the typical girth, you can start the real fun.

Line the skin of your ear hole with Sriracha sauce. You may want to begin with a milder mix of Sriracha mayo to start.

If your partner has any cuts or small abrasions on their genitals this can cause pain, irritation and possible infection.

Continue to allow your partner to lick your earhole. Use your imagination.

This act opens up a whole new world of penetration.

The Lonely Swingers Club Not into swapping partners? Don’t own a swing? No problem. This DIY move simplifies it all for you. Grab your Bowflex doorway-converting chin-up bar and suspend your partner by the legs. If you don’t have one of these bars lying around, you can easily get one for free by ordering a $2,000 Bowflex home gym.

Once your partner is set up, do a pull up into the 69 position, then enter into a swinging motion to the rhythm of your favourite Nick Cave song.

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The Back Breaker Due to the injury of an intern, our pig lawyers say we aren’t legally allowed to recommend this to you. But look it up online. It’s cool.

The Bloody Snort Recently, we made one of our interns try powdered alcohol. He had a wild experience so we decided to up the ante.

Set up a line of the fluffy white booze on your partner’s ass cheek — it doesn’t matter which one, just pick your favourite. Allow your partner to do the same to you. Once your noses start bleeding in unison, call an ambulance immediately. This isn’t funny anymore.

Cowgirl Surprise Start in missionary, then without notice lift your partner above you “airplane” style using your hands and legs.

Spin your partner in the air until you’re in the 69 position. Then return them to the bed and keep going reverse cowgirl.

Hopefully they will catch your vibe and go with it. Otherwise you might have to fill them in on the move before hand.

The R. Kelly We don’t need to explain this one. Use old sheets.

The Double Windsor This is similar to the necktie and the ascot, but tighter. Have your partner wrap their legs around your neck as you enter, then have them cross their arms and start doing crunches. This doubles the strength of the orgasm, causing a core-shredding orgasm. Then braid her hair around your penis and let the fuzzy tugging commence.

The Ultimate Edge We’ve all heard of edging, right? It’s when you get close to finishing and then, well, don’t. This takes sex to the next level.

Sit naked in front of each other and think about having sex. Talk about it. But don’t do it. It’s kind of like blue balling yourself on purpose. Actually, that’s exactly it.

Hopefully these move are enough to please your sexually deviant partner. If not, you should probably seek some professional help (dominatrix, call girl, Cosmopolitan, the depths of PornHub) or just accept the fact that you’ll be disappointing in bed, loser.

HEROIN IS SO PASSÉ Why Our Interns Are Glad they Contacted Tuberculosis

By Bert Cooper hat goes around comes around, and the ’90s are certainly coming around.

Twitter feeds are plagued with pitiful nostaglia about the X-Files, Friends and acid-washed jeans. We here at Nice are looking forward to the revival of morose ’90s cynicism, but people less hip than us have unfortunately read the writing on the wall.

Content creators are resurrecting ’90s staples, intent on draining the life from their nostalgia. Fashion-minded people are starting to sport huge roots, big hats and body glitter. But the ’90s wouldn’t be complete without heroin chic, the ultimate femme fatale.

Nice is known for our hard-hitting investigative reporting, so we decided to learn more about the hip ’90s. Our sleuthing led us to the mind-blowing realization that there is an original, more authentic alternative to heroin chic — tuberculosis.

Also known as consumption, tuberculosis is an all-natural and easy way to begin the descent into a slow death. Originating in distant and exotic lands, the tuberculosis trend was incredibly popular and quickly spread through cities.

Contracting tuberculosis is much cheaper than heroin. You only have to be exposed to it once, so it’s a really great investment. We talked to our underpaid interns who can’t afford the cost of living in the cities we operate in, let alone heroin, and convinced them to contract the disease. What follows is Draydyn, McKenzie and Evangeline giving you the insider scoop on history’s sexiest pandemic.

After infecting our interns, the first thing we noticed was that it takes a lot longer for the effects of tuberculosis to be noticeable when compared to heroin addiction. It took about three months before Drayden, McKenzie and Evangeline started coughing poignantly at the end of their sentences. All three of our interns began to feel fatigued, grew pale and started visibly wasting away. We asked them how they felt about the gorgeous transformations they were undergoing.

Our youngest intern, Draydyn, wasn’t impressed. He started taking opiates when he couldn’t handle the chest pain anymore. He also started getting medical treatment, hoping that doctors could

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revert him back to his less interesting self. Despite all this, Draydyn truly resembled ’90s heroin chic. But he was still dying of TB. “I’m wondering what will get to me first: the drugs, the disease or the spotty Wi-Fi,” Draydyn said in an email from the hospital. We never went to visit him.

Our other two interns were much cooler and faced their glamorous destinies with indifference, detachment and a reserved authenticity.

“No pain, no gain,” said McKenzie after reading Draydyn’s email. Everyone at the office was disappointed in Draydyn and refused to pitch in to buy him a get-well card.

McKenzie and Evangeline embraced their new aesthetic, wearing sombre colours and talking about the meaning of life a lot.

However, all good things must come to an end — whether you are a beautiful person dying gracefully, or the contract of a freelance journalist who has written an article criticizing our business partners. We interviewed our interns one final time on their death beds.

“Heroin is so passé,” McKenzie said dispassionately. Her colourdrained face and jutting skeleture were on point, making her words seem wiser.

When asked if she thought contacting TB was worth it, Evangaline paused for a moment and coughed politely into a handkerchief, nobly hiding the blood and staying brave until the end.

Draydyn was more of a kill-joy and wasted his last breath saying, “We all die alone and it’s never stylish, whether it’s by way of tuberculosis, drug abuse or whatever tragedy is in vogue. Death is a cold and empty valley.”

Even though Draydyn completely missed the point, McKenzie and Evangeline understood the beauty of what they’d become.

There is a guaranteed, tried and true way of appearing cool and affected — privileged fetishization of the oppressed.

Whether you’re directly exploiting an aesthetic attributed to the poor due to their inescapable socio-economic position or just exoticizing their struggles through long-form journalism, we’ve proven that using poor people for personal gain is still cool as fuck.

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DON’Ts Chris Adams was a good news editor. He edited copy with a pen in one Riley Hill’s time hand and a vaporizas editor-in-chief er in the other. We wasn’t a total failcan only hope his ure. He fully transformed the Gauntlet successor will carry on his legacy by into the loosest of listening to hip-hop the tri-media alliance. And you know, at deafening volumes in the corner. at times he almost He’s shit. seemed human.

Melanie Woods is grossly underqualified for the position of humour editor, partly because she’s the least funny person in the office, and partly because she grew up in Red Deer.

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During his time as photo editor, Louie Villaneuva took a lot of pictures. In fact, he even took the photos on this page. Wow, they all look like shit. Why did we give him this job?

After a disasterous year of objectively bad opinions, Kate Jacobson’s move to tighten her grasp on the office by becoming the EIC offends me personally. This is it. So it all goes to shit.

Seen here sheltering herself from the camera’s eye with a set of feather boas, entertainment editor Liv Ingram made her mark by getting rip-roaring drunk at every office social function. Her inebriated diatribes about all the coffee she tried in Portland will live forever in infamy.

Dawn Muenchrath was an incredible illustrations editor.

She made a lot of pretty pictures and was really sweet. I tried to write something mean about her, but I couldn’t.

This photo of graphics editor Kaleem Khan is also the cover of Shaani Cage’s debut LP, Marijuana Dreamz.

It’s super exclusive.

Pick it up at Broken City.

If there’s one redeeming quality about Ashton Chugh’s time as sports editor, it’s that he somehow managed to pull together a cohesive section every week while not making it to a single editorial meeting on time.

Sean Willet held the position of productions editor this year, which is to say he did absolutely nothing. If this kid asks me for my opinion about one more hypothetical animal brawl, I’m going to jump out the window.

DOs

Kate Jacobson will take over as editorin-chief, prompting her employees to form a union within the first week of her reign.

As Melanie Woods retains her position as humour editor, she’s trying to put to rest her greatest fear — that by mid-October all of the funnies will be gone.

Between conducting thorough examinations of dinosaur bones and padding his Twitter follower count, Sean Willett will replace his girlfriend as opinions editor. That’s definitely not a conflict of interest.

Fabian Mayers is everything a news editor should be — a staunch conservative, an Edmonton Oilers fanatic and above all a good ol’ Canadian boy. If he doesn’t lose his mind after weeks of attending every SLC meeting, he’s gonna kill it.

Sonny Sachdeva holds all the cards that he needs to be the next great sports editor. It all starts with his well-sculpted facial hair, backwards baseball cap and fashionable cardigans. Damn, look at this guy. Maybe he should be fashion editor.

Louie Villaneuva came out of the womb with a camera in his hands.

That’s why he’s retaining the position of photo editor — he almost makes it seem like photography is art!

He’s a sociopath.

Incoming entertainment editor Jason Herring has mastered the ability to consistantly off-stage down-spike his opponents while playing as Ness in Super Smash Bros.

This has made him many enemies.

As online editor, Connor Sadler will be the last guy out of the office every production night.

He also lives a 45-minute train ride away. I think that makes him a masochist.

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CALGARY: COMPTON OF CANADA

By RAFFERTY CUMMINGS

arrived in Calgary full of expectations, riding a wave of praise for this mystical land. I had heard it described as “idyllic,” “pastoral” and “the gateway to the rockies.”

I got a major surprise when I found out that Calgary was the dicey underbelly of Canada, a place where the law of prairie life was kill or be killed.

This was a life of dodging bullets on my way to Jugo Juice. A life of cracking skulls to get my drug money back. A life of hustling everyday just to make ends meet.

This was the thug life. This was Calgary.

Assuming you're not too busy dodging gunshots or out on the prowl with the squad, we've compiled a sordid list of the dankest, seediest sights Calgary has to offer. Visit at your own risk.

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Stör So you always thought that Stör had an ‘ö’ for stylistic reasons, right? Wrong. Stör is run by an Icelandic crime syndicate as a pseudo-legal means of importing moonshine and fountains of crack cocaine into Alberta. The shopkeeper might introduce herself as Natalie, but she’s in fact Þorgerður, a booze-toting crime boss who’ll serve you up a bullet-smoothie if you mess with her.

Broken City Broken City might seem like any club that caters to Calgary’s growing alternative culture. It’s a bar whose roster of indie bands and alt-comedians keeps them fashionable among Calgary’s “culturally enlightened.”

But there’s another reason why youth flock to the 12th Ave

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mainstay. Weekly events at the venue, such as Friday Night’s “Body Polish,” are thinly veiled covers for a number of shady dealings.

Though advertised as a late-night dance party, “Body Polish” is as disgusting as the name implies. Remember, when the DJ calls for ‘last requests’ near the night’s end, it’s time to get out NOW. Roasterie Coffee Shop Kensington’s Roasterie might seem like an ordinary coffee shop. On the surface, their friendly patrons look like the kind that spend Friday evenings at home reading National Geographic. It’s actually home to some of Calgary’s most hardened crooks.

The shop plays host to criminal legend Mickey the Fist every Tuesday. Whilst his nuggets of wisdom about the great province of Newfoundland may seem like harmless trivia, it’s code for “I’m about to pop my glock if you don’t get off of my turf.”

And the old Italian Mafioso is selling more than coffee beans behind the counter, if you catch my drift.

Recordland Inglewood, a quiet suburban area south of downtown might seem like a warm and pleasant neighbourhood. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Recordland sells everything from 40’s jazz to the latest releases. But the backroom is packed to the rafters with black market goods, housing everything from stolen glocks, M60s, body parts and cocaine-laced cupcakes.

SKINEMA

By Doris Grimely

CALGARY TRANSCLIT Dir: P. Ness Rating: 9.5 pornhub.com

A few weeks ago a buddy and I decided to go shopping. We boarded the 73 to Chinook. He cracked a wise one about how the Circle Route would be a great name for a Calgary-Transitthemed porn. I shrugged, laughed it off, made a comment about how the poles would be useful and that was that.

His comment stuck with me for Courtesy Nico Hogg days after. Who would make a porno about an Albertan public transit system? Porno spoofs only go so far, right? Popular movies are easy — I’ve recently covered my Oscar bases with the Dickhood, In-her-cellar, Bangman and The Theory of Fucking Things. But buses? Buses are fucking boring.

But it turns out that some fucker actually did it. And that’s where Calgary Transclit: Route 69 makes its appearance, released on your friendly neighbourhood Pornhub last month.

I’ll admit that my hopes weren’t high upon discovering the film. But the two-and-a-half hour journey that Route 69 makes from Shawpussy Station up to Dickhousie Road, with one leg completed on the C-Cup-Train, is packed with more rousing sex action and heartwarming story than I could’ve dreamed of.

The film stars Dick Plowman as Mayor Naheed Bangshi, an unknowing passenger with rock-hard abs on the titular Route 69.

The bus is driven by Kitty Titty as Conductor Trixie, who is every bit as welcoming as your average bus driver, but clothed in a lot less navy blue khaki. Other passengers of Route 69 include a set of triplets, a pregnant woman, a man with dick bugs, three corgis and Premier Jim Prentits.

“We all know where the real Calgary Tower is,” Prentits says, before unzipping his trousers and adding, “actually, this baby’s a Bow Building.”

While the bulk of the film takes place in the back of Route 69, a brief stop is made on the aforementioned C-Cup-Train. I have some argument with these particular scenes, as it seems the “CCup” naming was done more for the pun than actual breast size.

The film makes up for this error with complex storylines and a wealth of sexual practices. I thought I would’ve been able to list all of the possible sex positions in a train car on one hand, but it turns out there are nearly 100 unique movements, each more complex and enthralling than the last. With lines like, “next dick arriving, please stand behind the yellow line” and a plot twist that involves both male and a female transit officers boarding the train to strip-search Bangshi, Prentits and the other passengers, the train sequence goes over smooth as butter on a naked thigh.

When the film ended I have to admit that it took me a minute to collect myself and reflect. Looking back on it now, I finally understand the appeal of Calgary Transit. Waiting for a bus or train is kind of like an orgasm — it might take forever, it might be cold, it might be crowded, it might be stuffy, it might not be on the schedule and there might be an overweight man smoking a cigar and singing Dire Straits songs next to you. But when it comes, it’s all the more sweet.

The film is bigger than buses and orgasms. Like Naheed Bangshi’s purple pinstriped suit, that’s just the surface. Under the covers of this striking film are core themes of equality, friendship, clarity and identity. I found myself questioning my own nature by the film’s end. Why was I sitting on a stained red futon in my brother’s basement watching a porno about Calgary Transit? What had driven me to that point? Just like Jim Prentits, was I really just looking for someone to fill the void in my life? Was my life really just a train going through a tunnel, a dick in the vagina of time?

This film made me question not only my life, but existence. It was powerful. It was striking. It was so fucking sexy.

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RECORD REVIEWS Best Album of the Month:

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE: The Battle of Los Angeles Epic Records

So much is wrong with America lately. The White House and local police forces are plagued with corruption. Corporations run the country. The state of Indiana is attempting to pass a bill that would allow businesses to refuse service to gays. But the biggest tragedy is that in the 15 years since The Battle of Los Angeles we haven’t seen a band better equipped to fight these injustices than Rage Against the Machine. Turn that shit up.

BARTHOLOMÄUS MCWIENER

Pink Floyd The Dark Side of the Moon EMI

The first time I got high, Tony’s older brother handed me a joint in a back alley behind the Little Caesars. It tripped me the fuck out until we got back to his house and listened to The Dark Side of the Moon while watching The Wizard of Oz. Everything that I thought I knew about life changed that day. Then I listened to it sober yesterday and realized Pink Floyd is boring as shit.

ROSENCRANTZ ANGELO

Blink-182 Enema of the State MCA

I was walking across campus the other day and I saw this douchebag wearing khaki shorts and a v-neck so deep you could hide the entire Brady Bunch down there. He was sitting on the grass playing “Wonderwall” on some shitty $50 pawn shop guitar. He sucked shit, but I’d still rather listen to him play that song than those pricks in Oasis.

MONSIEUR CUCKHOLD

System of a Down Toxicity

Led Zeppelin Led Zeppelin IV Atlantic Records

Man, if only I could play guitar like Jimmy Page. I bet that guy got so much pussy in college. “Stairway to Heaven” speaks to me on a spiritual level. It’s objectively the best song of all-time.

LOOSE DRAPERY

Columbia Records

In a world that just doesn’t make sense, sometimes you need an album as profound and life affirming as Toxicity.

SLUMMY SHLOODY

Nine Inch Nails The Downward Spiral Interscope Records

The babe on the cover (who’s been making special appearances in all of my latest hospital-themed wet dreams) is the only reason I bought this album. It’s decent. The only problem with the band is they sometimes become the biggest pussies and write songs like “Adam’s Song” that are a harder buzzkill than when my girlfriend tells me she doesn’t wanna blow me just cause she’s on her period.

UNCLE DOLORES

Oasis What’s the Story (Morning Glory) Columbia Records

Radiohead OK Computer EMI

My freshman year of college consisted of MDMA, Pabst’s and NIN. I took a page out of Trent’s book and told a girl in my ECON class I wanted to fuck her like an animal. Now I’m a registered sex offender.

FARLEY THE FOX

Nirvana My first girlfriend was really big into Radiohead. If she had the opportunity, she would’ve sucked Thom Yorke’s hairy British cock right in front of me. I can’t stand that guy’s whiny bullshit, but listening to OK Computer got her gears going, so I let it slide.

CANDY KONG

Nevermind Sub Pop Records

I will never forgive Courtney Love for what she did to Kurt. Rest in peace, buddy. Rest in peace.

TURT FRANKLIN

Worst Album of the Month:

The Beatles: The White Album Apple Records

You know the end of Boyhood, where you’ve been watching the shitty movie for three hours and you’re waiting for some amazing conclusion to happen that changes everything and then the credits start and you wonder why you spent $13 and wasted your afternoon for this piece of shit? That’s what it feels like listening to The White Album.

BEAUROCRATIC STEVE

NICE 16

FULL BLEED

Louie Villanueva

“Yeah, this a photo of some dude with a tatoo.”

That’s American Apparel