Coffee Table Coach - Boundaries

Coffee Table Coach

Boundaries

By Hannah Bouwmeester

I am sitting sipping my coffee, looking out at my chicken coop. I realize that these furry friends teach me a vital life lesson as they interact with one another. You see, I have a chicken that belongs to my 11-year-old daughter. Something happened to this speckled hen that caused her to become lame. She hobbles around the coop, carefully navigating her way from her hiding spot under the laying boxes to the food and water and back again. She is cautious not to attempt this when the other hens are still in the coop. Why? They sense her weakness and will begin pecking at her. Because she is lame, she cannot escape their abusive behavior. So, she has learned what to do to stay safe.

Let’s learn a lesson from the speckled hen. As Veterans and active-duty-military, many of you have been wounded and are affected by the wounds you carry. All of us must establish boundaries in our lives that help us navigate safely and effectively. Here are some easy steps to help you begin setting boundaries and finding safe ways to meet your needs.

1. Be Clear: Define what you want and where you are going. If you are uncertain about this, you will have no way of knowing your boundaries.

2. Be Certain: Pause and get in touch with your emotional state surrounding a situation you may be trying to establish boundaries. What are you feeling? What is causing you concern or making you feel like you are being pecked? What do you want to change?

3. Be Courageous: Sometimes, we are more concerned about the other chickens in our coop that we fail to be direct and courageous in sharing our boundaries. If you want to experience relational safety, you must be straightforward about what your boundaries need to be.

4. Be Consistent: You have to be consistent with yourself and others if you want them to quit pecking you, and YOU stop pecking you! Don’t waiver.

5. Be Caring: Start with you. Self-care is essential to strengthening your inner person to stand up for yourself and your boundaries with others. Yoga, working out, seeking counsel, hanging out with a friend, whatever gives you joy and fills your tank. Also, be caring about how you express yourself and your boundaries with others. They are more likely to honor your boundaries if they feel you aren’t trying to block or criticize them.

6. Be Calm: If someone is not honoring your boundaries, be like the speckled chicken and stay hidden under the laying box (or wherever you find safety) and not expose yourself to unsafe situations. Wait calmly for an opportunity to venture out and find other chickens in the coop who won’t peck you.

Do you want to know the cool thing about our speckled chicken? She may be injured and lame, but pretty much every day, I find an egg under the laying box while she is out enjoying the sunshine. I love what she teaches me! Despite her handicap, she is useful and using her God-given talents to bless my family with eggs. She does not stay under the laying box; she keeps her boundaries and ventures out when she knows friendlies surround her. Finally, she has found peace with her lot in life and her unique struggles and challenges. I am more grateful for that hen than any of the others who strut about totally unaware of their own unique “lameness” because it is not so evident to them as her broken feet are to her.