Supporters of The Garfield Messenger Benefactors
Beth Roberts and Keith Seinfeld Bridge Partners LLC Mou and John Ferry TJ Kraft/Norpac Fisheries Patrons Anonymous (x5) Annie and Dan Wilson Child Care Resources Cindy Monte and Kevin Fisher Ellen Chestnut Goss Family Laurel Rech and Sean Cryan Metro Dog Nancy Sapiro and Lincoln Miller Nicholas Cunetta Sheila Lukehart Friends Anonymous (x8) Alden Lumpkin Alicia and Jay Edgar Amy Barnett and Arthur Furukawa Britt Anderson Chia Wang Dan Hall & Michelle Marchent David Lundsgaard and Lori Lynn Phillips Elana Jassy Gina Anstey Gold Janet Gwilym and Bing Tso Jeanne and David Hoppe Julie Wroble and Rick Kolpa Kari & Brennan Connor Karin Brookes Kathryn Robinson and Tom Braman Kirk Wohlers Kristen Sycamore Photography Laura Gardner and Hiroshi Matsubara Leslie & Kenny Stocker Lisa Thomas and Elod Toth Maggie R. Fisher Marcos and Monica Jones-Borges Mary Sharp Mitzi Jarvis Philippa Webster and John Mulligan Poynter-Veal Family Prentice Family Robin Stern and Kim Harper Sarah Huffbauer & David True Shoshana Driver Sound Child Care Solutions Steve and Stephanie Jones Tanya and Chris Kamila Tracey Rowland and Larry Reid Trina Blake Ted Sullivan These contributions help make the production and publication of The Garfield Messenger possible. If you would like to support The Messenger, please contact us at garfieldmessenger@gmail.com EContact The Garfield Messenger The Garfield Messenger Garfield High School 400 23rd Ave Seattle, WA 98122 Phone/Fax: (206) 252-2270 E-mail: garfieldmessenger@gmail.com
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A Newspaper 4/1/2016
Dear Beloved Readers, Happy April Fools! In celebration of this lovely holiday, everything past this point in the issue is 100% pure, raw, and uncut satire. These articles are not meant to be malicious, and are purely fictitious. All resemblance to professional entities or real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. We hope you enjoy these halfassed attempts at being funny. Love, The Editors
The Garfield Courier 4/1/2016
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Harald Heads Home
A surplus of Hyllseth sightings spark suspicions...is he back? By Julia Lin
Those who visit the PNW are told to beware of the mythical monster Sasquatch. But Garfield students have to be on the lookout for another legendary creature: the oddly recursive Harald Hyllseth. From Harald sightings on Survival to random popups around Capitol Hill to an extra player in the baseball dugout, past and present Bulldogs are beginning to realize that Hyllseth simply can’t stay away from GHS. I went on a mission to find out why this ex-ASG president keeps returning. What draws him back? Is it the spacious, sparkling classrooms? The vibrant beige walls? The young, feckless freshmen? The power rush that comes with being a senior, royalty of the school? The first slew of sightings left questions, and confused Bulldogs began to develop various conspiracy theories. Did he secretly flunk senior year and is back to pass a class? Or more likely… was he kicked out of Washington State University for having too much spirit? Is he planning on starting a Seattle based clothing line highlighting boat shoes? Will he become the 6th member of Shabazz? One stereotypically sunny Seattle afternoon, a familiar voice crooned through the hall… “That was an exhilarating bag of chips!” Hark the Harald Angels sing! A flash of purple and khaki, the infamous swoop of jet black
hair...could it be? “At first I thought I was imagining things...I was like, whoa, that looks like Harald!” said one senior. “Then I saw those iconic Topsiders and the statement purple Photo by Carson Jones
checkered button down shirt...classic Harald.” While it has been confirmed that it was Hyllseth who was spotted in the halls, his unexplained returns still leave many Bulldogs baffled. “For most seniors, once they graduate, they’re done with high school…” said a fellow ‘15 grad, “with Harald… I mean, let’s just say, his attendance record this year is better than most current seniors.” It seems there is still no explanation for exactly what mysterious forces draw Hyllseth back to GHS. Various inside sources speculate that his role as a devoted ASG President could be one explanation for the magnetic connection Hyllseth appears to have with the dog house. “He’s definitely got spirit…” said another ‘15 student, “those 4 years were his glory days.” There may be no dog truer than Harald, but the truth to his constant appearances is as much a secret as Sam Leblanc’s bathroom once was.
Number of laps broken Student takes the hall pass to new heights By Aidan Chesnut
Each day there are contenders. There are those who turn around in class, peer up at the clock and make the decision to bolt with the pass. Most participants take the pass for a modest two or three laps and call it good after either going to the bathroom for a quick pitstop or taking a tour of the school, just in case they missed some things the first 20,000 times they’ve seen it. But recently, history was made at Garfield High School. A student named Nitram Nalla took the hall pass for a record 30 laps.
“I couldn’t of done it without my pit crew,” says Nalla. “Also I want to thank Nordstrom Rack for supplying the victory shoes. You da real MVP.” The combination of endurance and speed put this student over the top. “Some students walk fast for a short amount of time, and others take forever to just go the length of one hallway,” says Nalla. “But over the years at Garfield, I have perfected my craft to increase maximum efficiency.”
Another x-factor for whether a contestant has what it takes is how they execute their turns. Most students walk a wide turn as not to run into oncoming traffic. However, Nalla has a different approach. “I like to make super sharp turns, because those steps going out wide could be put to better use on a later hallway. If I run into someone, screw it. Gucci Mane.” With Nalla’s recent success, he is now getting calls left and right from sponsors. He also gets to skip security lines and airplane boarding lines.
new hot lunch spot
Fine dining with Ms. Woodward By Danny Levy
Every Garfield student has been there. A delicious, carb filled lunch of hot links, bahn mi, or one of the various other delicacies of the CD has somehow made it into your greasy teenage hands. Food this good has to be enjoyed in only the best of locations. And where better than the library?! Comfy, reclining wooden chairs, tables with space for a plethora of friends, and don’t forget a glass lab filled with the newest model of Dell Computers (Used most importantly to crown champion of the coveted Ted Howard Annual Halo Tournament). But alas, as any student knows, the library is a no-food zone. No one wants to smell some stranger’s BBQ sauce while nose
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Garfield The Messenger 11/11/2011
deep into a gripping novel, god forbid some of said sauce drip onto a keyboard. For shame! However, on Wednesday, March 30th, the unthinkable happened. A lonely student, who wishes to remain anonymous, was spotted silently weeping to himself. Pad Thai in hand, he was not only invited to eat inside the library’s sacred walls, but was invited by none other than librarian Ms. Janet Woodward! When asked about the experience, he described it to be as unexpected as receiving a toy you actually wanted on Christmas morning. “It was insane! One moment I was sitting on the floor, literally eating the tears that had fallen into my lunch,
the next I was sitting side by side with Ms. Woodward, devouring my food in complete luxury. When I spilled on the Mac screen I was furiously playing Mario Kart on, she didn’t even bat an eye, and suggested I lick it off!” This is truly a miraculous, once in a lifetime, college essay worthy event, and if this blessed student doesn’t realize how lucky he is, the rest of us sure do.
StubenROCKS the Choir Department Big changes from a small gal. By Sydney Santos and Claire Boudour The past two semesters for Garfield’s massive Black hole that has appeared durchoirs have been very inharmonious, ing the long-term sub’s absence. Some striking a dissonant chord within the de- also think that her impressive talent could partment. Fortunately, an unlikely hero take the program to new levels, perhaps has risen from the most unlikely of plac- even more than the legendary Ms. Bures to save the dying choral program: Garfield’s own history department. Leaving her role as the token female teacher amongst the vast plethora of testosterone-filled history geeks, Ms. Stubenrauch is at last attaining her lifelong goal to teach (pre)pubescent people how to sing. The former history teacher is finally cleansing the music department of their misfortune and will bring peace and prosperity back with her outstandingly worldly skills. Stubenrauch told us, “I am really excited about being the new choir teacher. I feel like we’re gonna sing better than Whitney Houston ever sang. I’m shooting for the Grammys next year, for the class. Is it a class? Is it a team? I don’t actually know. But it’s going to be top notch.” This optimistic outlook for the choir’s future isn’t just felt by the former history teacher; many Garfield By Elliot Hoppe students involved with choir were practically singing in harmony when they heard the great news. “Stubes will be bomb af,” an enthusiastic Garfield ton, whom many nowadays believe to be singer said. a mere myth. This student added that the teacher is Unbeknownst to the Garfield popumore than ready to fill the position as a lation, Ms. Stubenrauch has carefully choral director: “I think I saw her use the planned her rise to choral director for baton to clean her ears in the bathroom.” quite some time. Just like the Von Trapps, A select few even feel like Ms. Stuben- poor young Stubenrauch was forbidden rauch presence will fully make up for the by her parents to follow her one true pas-
sion: singing. A close family friend of the Stubenrauchs shared with us that, “She sounded too much like Whitney Houston for them to handle. Honestly, I think they were scared of what she might do.”
Tears forming in the corners of her eyes, Stubenrauch says, “It’s hard to talk about...It was hard to suppress my inner stardom for so many years. But I knew one day I’d have my chance.” She buried her sorrows in George Washington biographies, eventually deciding to spend the rest of her life mak-
ing students worship Strayer rather than instructing aspiring singers. However, regretting her initial career decision, Ms. Stubenrauch spent years trying to push down the deep, dark desire to leave Strayer in the dust of the Mongol cavalry. After hearing about the opening at Garfield last year, she couldn’t control herself anymore. She applied to teach history, but Stubes had a deeper motive: to establish herself as top dog in the music department. Once she got the history job, Stubes wormed her way into the hearts of Garfield students and staff alike. But her plan, much like the Communist takeover in China, didn’t come to fruition overnight. A certain new choir teacher was still in her way, a colorful personality who would prove to be a suitable nemesis. It took the whole first semester, but through blackmail, bribes, and a will to win much like that of Julius Caesar, Stubenrauch took the crown. But is this aspiring music director really qualified for the job? “As a youngster I had four very unsuccesful years playing piano, and I am now learning to play the ukulele. It’s become my new passion. I hope to inspire other young ukulele-ists to pursue their dreams. All of my learning has been on youtube, so we’ll be watching a whole lot of Youtube videos in the choir class,” she explains. There’s no doubt about it, Stubes will go down in history as one of Garfield’s greatest choral directors.
STDs: Standardized Testing Dates By Keenan Simpson Its spring and testing season is upon us. For those of you who want to have a stress free summer you know that the results of these tests will be a big factor. I hope all you bulldogs get the right results and can safely enjoy yourselves this summer. Jerry “ACT has ruined my life and I can’t get away from it. I contracted it last saturday but the board didn’t tell me my results until this past Friday. The results turned out positive but I’m still pretty bummed.” Dill Doe “They taught us all about the SATs in elementary school, but I never thought I’d actually be around them. So naturally when I started highschool I was surprised to find so many of my friends had actually encountered them. Something they don’t teach you in grade school is the proper techniques for avoiding these horrible things.”
Mike Hockertz “I took a HSPE test just the other weekend, and I’m itching to get my results back.” Ivana Hafsechs “I took the SBAC test and I was a little surprised. Normally they don’t let you go to the washroom during these things but this time they forced me to “for testing purposes”. Rick “The EOCs had pretty narrow subject matter. Every single question was about birds and bees.”
By Michael Ybarra
Messenger The Garfield 4/1/2016
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Tsut Takeover
The Tsutakwas take the big screen in upcoming films By Julia Lin and Flora Taagen We all love a good movie. One where your butt goes numb from sitting so far at the edge of your seat, your mascara runs wild from the tears that streak your cheeks, and you walk away with a Channing Tatum style six-pack from laughing so hard. The problem is, so few movies create this “holy trinity” of cinematic experiences. Well, at least, until now. This summer, your hopes and dreams will be fulfilled as the Tsutakawa clan takes Hollywood by surprise. That’s right, say goodbye to superman, and say hello to tsut-erman. The epic duo of orchestra conductor Marcus Tsutakawa and nephew Garfield soccer coach Kizamu Tsutakawa, is ready to take your breath away as they bring their talents to the big screen. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy these four must-see films coming to theatres near you.
Tsut Trek: Next Gen
Marcus leads the next generation of Tsutukawas in this intergalactic saga. With Stradivarius violins and soccer volleys these two tsuts strike a power chord in a blockbuster battle, taking their skills to the next dimension.
Tsut and the City
Join Marcus and Ki on their quest to find love in the Emerald City. Inspired by the classic Sleepless in Seattle, follow these two men in tsuts as they make there way from the orchestra pit and the soccer pitch to the crazy world of swipin’ right.
Graphics By Susana Davidson
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The Viper Pit Messenger 4/1/2016
Hot Pur-Tsut
Mr. Tsutukawa, armed with bass and bow, joins forces with nephew, Coach Ki, to fight crime and abolish the forces of evil. Tsut will stun the villains with his epic bass concerto while Ki uses his soccer speed to catch them. Follow these two heartthrobs in this action-packed drama, that is sure to leave you wishing for #Tsut4prez.
Tsut-nado
This tornado of Tsutukawas is coming to take GHS by storm. The rainy city of Seattle turns into the rampant city of Tsut-attle in this Sci Fi thriller.
The Daniel Times A collection of art by Daniel Lopez
Garfield Messenger The 4/1/2016
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Trump Fan Comes out of the Closet Trump supporter embraced by Garfield community By Hannah Tacke
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ast Friday through an online Facebook post, 12th grader Tobias Finkle came out to students and faculty as a Trump Supporter. In an emotional paragraph, Finkle confessed his abounding love for the orange politician to over three thousand of his online friends, proclaiming his adoration with abandon. “Yes, the rumors are true,” wrote Finkle. “I will be voting for Donald Trump for president!” After several minutes of standing silence, the post gradually gained attention as fellow students offered their support in encouraging comments. “We’re so proud of you for be-
ing honest with who you are,” wrote 10th grader Sheamus Angmar. “We will stand with you,” says freshman Dale Cooper. Angmar notes later that he himself is a Clinton man, but says that “as a tolerant school, we need cover all differences with our blanket of warm love and acceptance, even those conceived out of political ignorance and stupidity.” The following day, as Finkle passed through the halls students raised a fist to demonstrate their support. “We are one Garfield, and everyone will be accepted,” notes Garfield’s principal. “Before the post, I was nervous
because for so long I’ve kept my true feelings hidden,” says Finkle. Inspired by the TV show Glee to embrace his true identity, Finkle first came out to his parents, extreme liberals. “When I first told my parents, they threw me out,” says Finkle. “They told me that I’d ‘feel the Bern of hell’ if I continued in my ways.” Despite Finkle’s homelessness, he can always find solace in Garfield’s warm embrace. Garfield has demonstrated that even amongst the land of liberals, a right-winging, bitter-clinging gun slinging conservative can find his place in a sea of vegans and earthfriendly cyclists.
Garfield Blocks Schoology from Wifi Inappropriate content prompts district to prevent access on school wifi By Elliott Hoppe
In the latest of a string of decisions to block websites on the school Wifi, Schoology will no longer be accessible on school internet networks, a Seattle Public Schools spokesperson announced. Last week’s decision came after Principal Ted Howard received multiple complaints from parents about the material their children were being exposed to on the site. One parent took her outrage to the internet and posted a video berating the school for its lack of attention to school safety. “I find it alarming that the school would allow access to Schoology. I have seen what is on there and I don’t want my child to be exposed to language and themes that he probably already experiences in the real world,” he said.
Another parent said that the website encourages drug use. “I looked over my daughter’s shoulder and bam right there was a powerpoint about the Kingdom of Kush that one of her teachers had put on Schoology. That’s the kind of gateway stuff we need to be looking out for,” she said. Administrators declined to speak on record about the issue but an unnamed source close to the Principal’s Office said that the decision was not without opposition. “Some people involved in the discussion kept referring to the notion that Schoology was a valuable educational resource. The bottom line doesn’t change though. The safety of our students is and will always be our highest priority.” By Cora Anderson-Bicknell
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Garfield The
Massager 4/1/3016
Shabazz Palaces to Headline Bumbershoot
B
By Bella Rowland-Peed
eating out the likes of J. Cole, Kendrick Lamar, Adele, and the second coming of Jesus Christ, Garfield’s very own Shabazz Crew has been selected to headline this year’s Bumbershoot Festival. “A year ago we’d have to beg security to even let us crawl under the Memorial Stadium fence to watch Wu-Tang,” says Shabazz member Riley “Follow me on Instagram” Connor. “And now we’re headlining the whole thing.” While the group was at the forefront of breakup rumors earlier this week, member Jae “Can I have the Homework?” Abrams says the group owes one last tour to their fans across the country. “We saw how upset [fans] were when we announced the breakup and knew we needed to stay together,” says Abrams. “After all their support, they deserve it.” Additionally, Shabazz has an-
nounced that its new album, 3:30 at Foster, will drop early next month. Its first single, “Johann Shabazztian Bach”, debuted at #3 on Billboard’s Hot 100 and has received praise from groups such as Boyz II Men and The Official *NSYNC Fan Club. “It’s insane how much press we’ve received in the past couple weeks,” says Chicken Leg “Joe” Wolf. “I never thought we’d be headlining such a huge festival.” While the group is finally gaining momentum for their musical endeavors, they are determined to remember their roots and the feuds and parties that made them popular. “I think we owe the most to ‘016,” says Abrams. “They really gave us a lot of traction [...] and we wouldn’t be where we are now without them.” “All the fighting and feuding is behind us now,” says Connor. “We’ve finally accepted that ‘016 is God, and we are lucky
and excited to be supported by them.” Equally excited is the Garfield student body, who are thrilled to have the ability to brag of alumni who are not Jimi Hendrix or Macklemore. “It’s such an ethereal experience so see [Shabazz] getting so much attention,” says junior Dana Hall, self-claimed “Shabazz super fan.” “Soon they’ll be playing Madison Square Garden and we’ll just be fans in a crowd.” Shabazz may not be booked at the mega stadium yet, but new tour dates suggest they’re on their way to big-time arena status. “We’re playing a couple pretty big venues,” says Carter “Wus Good” Dack. “There’s a San Diego alleyway, a Denny’s parking lot in Maryland, my mom’s basement -- we’re looking to get five, ten people at these shows.” Hoping to get a sneak peak of the song lineup for this year? Have no worry, as Shabazz al-
ready has their setlist prepared for the historic Labor Day-weekend festival. “We’re going to be playing a couple new tracks, along with some classic Bazzfare,” says Jaqua “What’s Class?” Arrington. “Probably going to open with Super Bazz, maybe end with All About that Bazz or Make America Shabazzy Again. Our live show is something crowds haven’t seen before.” “We want to leave a little to the imagination,” says Wolf. “But expect a lot of whipped cream.” We at the Garfield Messenger wish Shabazz the best of luck with their newfound fame, and encourage all to attend the release party of 3:30 at Foster on April 20th, time and place to be determined. Additionally, tickets for Bumbershoot will be available behind the dumpster on Alder Street starting next Thursday, so be sure to pick some up before their inevitable sell out.
One Garfield Rousing Success! Racial harmony flourishes.
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By Julia RobotDik
n recent weeks, Garfield hallways have changed, with previously segregated friend groups now blossoming with diversity. Mixed-race friends can be found skipping arm and arm from class to class. The PDA couple in a secluded corner is now a biracial PDA couple. Cultural appropriation has been replaced with cultural exchange. The cause? “One Garfield!” students cheer in perfect unison. “It’s something about those words,” one student says. “You hear ‘One Garfield’ enough and all your prejudices just melt away.” One Garfield came into effect early this year, when the first signs of the budding racial harmony began cropping up after each student was gifted with a “One Garfield” t-shirt, all in the same size, men’s large, to show further school unity.
After the initial triumph resultant from the t-shirts, faculty began buckling down and doing the hard work necessary to bring about the full impact of One Garfield. Some mentioned One Garfield offhandedly in their classes. Still others wore their One Garfield shirt instead of their other customary Garfield paraphernalia. A select few gave brief but didactic lectures about self-segregation. The results were immediately self-evident. Some AP classes now have as many as three students of color in them. A white kid was stopped recently in the hallway for not having a pass. Trans and gender non-binary students feel safe and welcome in every classroom. After such a sweeping victory for racial unity, it becomes a mystery why other schools still have a race problem.
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Boys Who Dip New trends in nicotine consumption have hit Garfield youth hard this year, with chewing tobacco most recently taking the lead as students’ favorite method of cancer acquisition. Though dipping tobacco has been on the scene since the 1800s, it’s usually isolated to rural areas of the United States, but recently, the trendiest and most astute of Garfield’s youngsters have just recently caught onto this wholesome, healthful activity! There are countless reasons to ditch your vape and convert to dip. We’ve compiled a list of reasons to adopt this cool and sexy habit.
,Life after 45 is overrated. ,Live fast and die young like the bad girl you know you are. ,Save and repurpose your empty tins for fun Pinterest crafts! ,Prank all your friends by offering them sips of soda or cof
fee. Sike! It’s dip! How fun and charming. Attract potential mates by showing how rural and rugged
,
you are when you slyly reveal your fat lip pack!
Save money on an inner lip tat -- your mouth cancer will
,
look just as cool.
,habit You’ll finally have an excuse to get a grill when your dip corrodes all your bottom teeth! Garfield Wins National Award For Attendance Policy By Bronwen Boulevard
In a shocking turn of events last week, our very own Garfield High School took the 1st place prize home for “Most Outstanding in Attendance Policy” at the National Convention of High School Attendance. Garfield’s cutting edge system for detention was given an honorable mention, praised for its nonexistence. “Schools all over the nation should look to institutions like Garfield when making or improving their attendance policies,” said convention president Bimble Wallaby. Instead of punishing students for being absent or tardy, Garfield rewards them with a chance to perform in school assemblies - everyone’s dream. Garfield’s unexpected victory shocked long standing winner Lakeview Prep who have won this award for the last three years in a row. “I think we need to switch from having meetings with parents to hourly robocalls like Garfield does - obviously a winning tactic,” said Lakeview’s principal Gary Garrison. What seems to have set GHS apart from the other schools the most was their strategy of changing the attendance rules every five minutes. “It’s great never knowing what will happen if I’m late - keeps me on my toes!” said Garfield junior Lard Nowell.
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Two Garfields 4/1/201666
Mr. Gish Gets New Jokes By Elena Miami
After years of receiving polite chuckles in response to his jokes, Mr. Gish has decided to add some new knee slappers to his arsenal. “I have realized that ‘let-us, not tomatoes,’ just isn’t cutting it these days” says Gish. After noticing a substantial part of his 10th graders sighing and rolling their eyes at the classic jokes that had long won laughs with teenagers, Mr. Gish realized that he just doesn’t understand 15 year olds anymore. “It was a real blow when my students stopped laughing at my jokes after second semester. Back in the day, my students would laugh at my jokes for so long that they began to plug their ears just so they could get some work done… those were the days.” To get his stats back up to his peak 10 years ago when he got forty-six laughs per minute, Gish is trying out some new material. “ I’ve gotten some good responses to ‘What do you call it when Batman skips church?...Christian Bale,’ and ‘How do you find Will Smith in the snow?...follow the fresh prince,’ but I’m not too sure about them.” Let’s all support Mr. Gish on his courageous journey to rediscover his funny bone.
The Island of RETSOF Protractors and necrophilia? By Claire Boudour and Emma Cooper
T
he Island of Retsof is an uninhabited wasteland, covered with dead grass and filled with vengeful mosquitoes. The barren site is visited only by the occasional runner, dog walker, and the infamous tribes of teenage deviants. It’s 3:30 pm PST, a typical overcast and muggy day on the Island. A soft wind intimately caresses our faces, shooting the potent scent of burned asparagus up into our nostrils. The Island is deserted except for a teenage tribe huddling around a moldy picnic table. They excitedly negotiate over an unknown bounty while scowling at innocent passerbyers. Whispers float around about this mystical tribe and their frequent meetingsyet information is as scarce as attractive boys at Garfield. Who are they? What exactly do they do at their meetings? And why? Certain parties gave us hints, but mere rumors would not satiate our curiosity. We had to know. We spent months trying to pinpoint the exact location of the tribe’s meetings. The information was very difficult to obtain, yet we knew that we couldn’t
afford to just give up. And one afternoon, our faith paid off. We received word of a gathering and knew we had to investigate. We dressed in our most professional and durable field wear- matching khaki one-piece suits. We knew we’d be prepared for anything, whether it be mud wrestling or crocodile hunting. Crawling army-style through the mud, trees, and creeks, we spent hours trying to find the exact spot of the meeting and ended up hopelessly lost. We entered a clearing in the forest, and were shocked to find a fairly docile, yet strange meeting of a tribe divided into perfect concentric circles. Was this a geometry club meeting? They seemed to be murmuring in low voices, possibly chanting. We were delighted but confused. Were they raising the dead? Was it...necrophilia??? We warily remained at a distance and observed, in case it actually turned out to be kinky math lovers. Some smaller members of the tribe clutched red drinking vessels, and were sipping at it slowly. None seeming to find the liquid inside the drinking vessel actually enjoyable, but they were still deter-
Orca Bowl Contestants Actually Live in Fish Tank! By Eli Wilson Garfield’s Varsity Orca Bowl team likely to know the answers to the tougher has established themselves to be one of questions. Washington state’s finest. After a crush“Every time I’m stumped I just think ing victory a few WIAA WWATTD: What Would officials followed A True Tanker Do?” Says the Bulldog Orca Gill Severywhere, “I nevBowlers home in er thought the way I lived order to insure they would be a problem, I lived inside the was just trying to be the best Orca Bowler Garfield boundI could be.” aries. What the The WIAA has fish stalkers launched a full on infound was more vestigation to see if the than shocking… living habits of these “I didn’t reathletes is legal and safe. ally think it was a “What we have found is big deal at first, but not something you want to see, when I realized people we need to find these kids real were wet in the morn- Art By Urpi Ruiz-Angeles homes, with real addresses, and not ing at school because they let Garfield build a super team like this had just showered, and not gotten out of their tank, I realized I lived different,” ever again,” says WIAA investigator Fin Tagger. says Orca captain Fisher Boats. The future of Seattle’s favorite fish The team was supplied fish tanks in the CD to live in while they competed team is up in the air. Is this the end of a for Garfield. The coach blinded the ath- dynasty? Tough to say. letes of his illegal scheme by telling them if they live in a fish tank, they are more
mined to finish and prove their worth to the others. We were intrigued. As the dead bodies and protractors had yet to appear, we attempted to subtly wiggle into a circle and overhear the clan’s rituals. We were desperate to get to the bottom of this mystery. Apparently our attire and scientific behavior may have made us stand out. One member whispered to another, “Are those Roosevelt kids?” As we were rudely rejected from the circle, we conducted the rest of our research from afar (aka sulking on a park bench). Within many species, members attempt to release excess sexual energy through fighting each other, and this clan is no exception. On Retsof Island, particularly angsty individuals don their special mittens and battle to the death. The rest of the tribe gathers around the two who have been chosen to fight, wildly screaming and hollering for the likely champion. The loser falls to the ground, sobbing and violently regurgitating graph paper. Nature is a tough, yet loving mother, weeding out the weak. In these tribes, the young are the weakest. They stand ner-
vously in clumps, their fresh Nikes inevitably become scuffed when they fall in the mud. As time goes on, they stumble to the ground one by one, apparently overcome by difficult geometry proofs. Rather than searching for help, their tribe mates record this embarrassing lack of control and share it with the rest of the world. The tribespeople divide themselves in countless ways, one of which being the separation between the subgroups Patagonia, or “post kids”, and the other the “fresh kicks”. The former can be distinguished by their open toed shoes, fleece coats, pale skin, and their colorful wide mouthed plastic bottles. The “fresh kick” clan wear headgear adorned with small horsies, white shoes, and beige pants that are eventually muddied by the marshes of the island. These segregated groups tend to avoid each other in all other walks of life, but the Island of Retsof seems to have a magical quality that brings people together. Without this powerful force, there would be nothing to prevent anarchy.
She for He By Kate Mulligan It’s time that we talk about a movement that has been growing steadily for the last several decades, a movement that threatens to destroy everything that America stands for: feminism. Feminism, based around the idea of complete female superiority, serves only to demonize the most oppressed, and yet most unrecognized, group in America: men. Women pushing for gender “equality” are really looking to disempower all men, leaving room for women to take control. Case in point: in 1998, there was one female CEO of a Fortune 500 company. A mere 16 years later, in 2014, 24 out of the total 500 CEOs were female— a whopping 5%. Women are rising through the ranks at an astronomical rate, threatening men in positions of power everywhere. By November
of 2016 we may well have a female President, opening the floodgates for an entirely female government. That brings me to my next issue: the Congress. As of 2015, 19.4% of the members of the United States Congress are female. Who knows, in the next hundred years that number could rise as high as 40%! And don’t get me started on reproductive rights. Some man-haters would have you believe that it isn’t fair for a male Congress to pass laws governing women’s bodies. Well, I have news for you. Women have been governing men’s bodies since the first wife told her husband what to wear. Friends, I implore you to recognize the plight of the American male. It’s time that, for once, we stand up for men’s rights.
Finally these lame jokes have come to an end
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