Garfield Messenger: Volume 101, April Fools' Issue

THE

MESSENGER

VOLUME 101 ISSUE #10 - APRIL 7TH IS THE NEW APRIL 1ST

A LOOK INSIDE THE GARFIELD BATHROOMS

Memes

NEW SENIOR ASSASSIN RULES

WHAT IS LOVERS?

CONTENTS TABLE OF

Cover by Maile Quenzer

ISSUE 10, VOL 101

A&E

NFO

SPORTS 12

NEXT UP THIS SEASON...

Unity Jirkovsky-Gual, Michelle Tong

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FRIENDS TO LOVERS George Martin, Maile Quenzer

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GHS TEACHER TWITTER Marisa Valenzano

4

GARFIELD MEMES Griffin Crabs

7

ASK A SCHOOL BATHROOM NIC FIEND Eli Silver

KING OF GAR12 THE FIELD LARPING

GARFIELD BATHROOMS: USE AT YOUR OWN RISK Nikhil Choudhury, Ali Merz, Lea Shaw

8 9

GOOD-FORNOTHING GARFIELD GAMES Asmaa Bah, Leo Carlin, Havana Hakala, Amirah Melvin

13

CONTACT! Mia Andreeva, S. Avalon Leonard

13

HAS SENIOR ASSASSIN GONE TOO FAR? Finian Guinney

14

SPORTS NEWS Jeremy Cogswell

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MESSENGER 6 THE Kennedy Greenfelder, Chelsea Li, Imbie Jones

2

10

DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DAWG Caspian-Gross Hamburger, Fiona Real

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HITTING THE BIG SCREEN Jordana King

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NO MORE UGLY CLOTHES Olivia Thompson

Lucy Gaines

STAFF

Your contributions help make the production and publication of The Messenger possible. If you would like to support The Messenger, please contact us at garfieldmessenger@gmail.com, or scan the QR code to subscribe.

Asmaa Bah Amirah Melvin Ali Merz S. Avalon Leonard Chelsea Li Eli Silver Finian Guinney Fiona Real George Martin Griffin Crabs Havana Hakala Lakelle Bridges · Editor-in-Chief Imbie Jones Maile Quenzer · Graphics & Layout Jeremy Cogswell Mairead Averill · News, Feature, Opinion Jordana King Tess Wahl · News, Feature, Opinion Kennedy Greenfelder Ellen Taylor · Arts & Entertainment Leo Carlin Taylor Gale · Arts & Entertainment Lea Shaw Mika Ichikawa · Sports Lillian Small Eden Huschle · Social Media Lucy Gaines Sydney Steinwinder · Business Marisa Valenzano Mia Andreeva Michelle Tong Nikhil Choudhury Olivia Thompson Sly Gross-Hamburger Unity Jirkovsky-Gual

EDITORS

CAUT

ION!

The Messenger is celebrating April Fools a little late this year, that just means we had more time to come up with hysterical, off-the-wall humour and entertainment!

Any resemblance to professional entities or real people in these articles is coincidental and not meant to be malicious in any way. We hope that you’ll enjoy our attempts at making you laugh, if not, feel free to send your complaints to _____.

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NEWS What is Lovers?

A

llow me to set the scene: you’re driving southbound on I-5, toward Southcenter mall or Sea-Tac airport perhaps, your parents are in the front seat. You see a tan building emerging over the horizon, and as you approach, the hypnotizing spiral of the purple sign spelling out Lovers, draws you in. What is this place? you wonder. The answer your parents give is always strange and convoluted.

This is a seemingly universal experience; could it all be one big misunderstanding or is the truth of Lovers something more sinister? Years have passed and I’m still in the dark. My associate and I decided we were fed up with being played by corporate America; we needed answers. We decided to take matters into our own hands and we took our question to the streets, daring to find out once and for all the secrets of the fabled Lovers.

We started with what we knew. We asked

By Maile Quenzer and George Martin some of our most trusted and intellectual- on and so forth. I thought we were beginly-respected peers what they thought was ning to crack the case until we questioned behind the doors of Lovers. Senior Griffin senior Tallulah Baumgart who was told that Crabs stated that he believed it was “some Lovers was a “smoothie shop”, but whenevkind of knock off Chuck E. Cheese” when er she asked her parents if they could make we presented him our question. I find this a pit stop, they would always nervously detheory full of holes— have you cline. Despite our efforts at unever seen a child entering or covering the true identity of exiting the establishment?

Lovers, things just weren’t Maybe it was Crab’s coy deadding up. No two stories meanor that threw me off, were the same. but it seemed like he knew That’s when things started more than he was letting on. getting weird, really weird. It We continued to ask around. seemed like there was someSenior Mairead Averill claimed she one, or something, that really was told by her parents it was a “hot didn’t want us to find the answers to tub store”. Now this was a postulation I our questions. Whatever it was, it felt could get behind. For one thing, the build- like they were always going to be one step ing is huge— it clearly must contain really ahead of us. Wherever we went, there they large things, and hot tubs weren’t out of the were- watching, waiting. When my assoquestion. The signature swirling “O” on the ciate found a note mixed in with his mail sign could represent the drain of the tub, so reading “stay away”, I started really getting

GARFIELD MEMES

By Griffin Crabs

4

scared. That’s when we decided we’d had enough. We needed to take the final step; we needed to go to Lovers.

The drive felt long and tense. The weather conditions were horrific, it seemed like even the heavens didn’t want us to arrive at our destination. We had to stay on high alert, we both had the same eerie feeling that we were being followed. Suddenly, through the rain, we saw the building appear. We parked and walked in hesitantly. We entered the store and what we saw changed our lives. It was icky and I don’t want to talk about it.

Art by Maile Quenzer

NEWS

Everyone has had awkward or disturbing interactions in the Garfield bathrooms, but some are true horror stories.

Writing by Lea Shaw, Ali Merz, and Nikhil Choudhury Art by Ali Merz, Lily Collet, and Kailyn Shaw

I

“GOTTA LET THE DOGS BREATHE”

was innocently using the girls’ bathroom in the middle of third period when something caught my eye. I realize I’m not alone in the bathroom and my eyes drop to the floor to avoid the awkward eye contact forced by the inch wide gaps between the stalls, but what my eyes land on is even more disturbing.

The person using the stall next to me had removed their socks and shoes and had their fully bare feet dangling for all to see. I stifle my laughter and disgust and run out as fast as I can.

“You poor people” - Z

“HELP CAPTIVE BY TIKTOKER’S”

I just finished my business in the girls’ bathroom. I flush and prepare to open the stall door outwards. As I gently push open the door I realize it isn’t budging, so I try a little harder— still nothing. Bending down to see under the door, I see feet against the stall and hear the Tiktok countdown timer playing. About ten girls decided to congregate in the bathrooms to film their TikTok, trapping me inside. I decide to shove the door harder, yet nothing happens; the girls don’t seem to notice. “Hey I’m in here!”

I say, but get no response. With all my strength I bust the door open and cause a couple girls to lose their footing. I take the awkward walk to the sink while getting side eyes from every single one of them.

“A wretched hive of scum and villainy.” - Mr.Berquist

“The toilet paper somehow feels like sandpaper but it’s also see-through at the same time.” -Ms. Sosnowski

“I SPOKE OUT INTO THE ABYSS”

Picture it. Another day, just trying to do my business, but I realize too late that there’s no toilet paper left in my stall. A moment of self reflection ensues…what a rookie mistake in a school where the one-ply toilet paper flies off the roll faster than Ms. Porcia runs out of pop tarts? “Does anyone have any toilet paper?” Silence. I bite the bullet, pull up my pants, and head for the sink, attempting to keep whatever shred of dignity I have left. Then a second flush sounds, and to my horror a second girl joins me at the sink.

Not a word passes between us as I leave.

“CLOWN DECIDES TO TAKE A PEAK”

The Taco Time I ate last night was a mistake. My stomach was churning all morning, making sitting in class impossible.

Then the inevitable happens, I get the urge.

I excuse myself from class and run to the closest bathroom ready to unleash the demons in my stomach. As I’m “taking the worst sh*t of my life” some clown decides to take a peak over the stall. We lock eyes for a moment then they disappear, leaving me on the toilet to endure another 15 minutes of pain.

“FLASH MOB IN THE BIG STALL”

In the middle of science I realize I have to go, so I walk to the nearest bathroom. It is quiet; I think I am alone. As I’m doing my business, I hear a bunch of people walk into the big stall. I don’t think much of it, and I exit the stall and walk over to the sink to wash my hands. The paper towel dispenser was broken, just my luck. I’m about to walk back to class when I hear a shocking sound erupting from the big stall. I listen in disbelief as all three people in sync start harmonizing to Billie Eilish with no warning.

“WHOLE EZELL’S 3 PIECE”

For some reason the bathroom line was long today. Every person that walked into the right stall walked out immediately and went back in line to wait their turn. After about ten minutes it is finally my turn and I go to check the mysterious stall. I open the door, see an Ezell’s three piece that was shoved into the depths of the toilet and walk right out.

I go back in line to wait, just as others before me had.

“The bathrooms are a complete disaster that require immediate attention from everyone everywhere. Please somebody fix it.” - Mr. Waterman

Who needs air freshener?

Garfield’s bathroom stalls are known for many things, but what might shock many is that smell isn’t at the top of their issues. See, the students at GHS have taken matters of scent into their own hands–or lungs–employing special methods of “air freshening”. Scents like strawberry guava, mint, or even tropical mango linger and effectively mask any other odors that may be floating around. Some say the damaging effects these “air fresheners” can have on students aren’t worth the fruity flavors, but more devout students agree that if you just give it a try, there’s no going back.

Can you find these in Garfield Bathrooms?

The Investigation Continues

On March 9, a Thursday like no other, the Garfield Orchestra and Band were preparing for their performance.

The audience was milling about the lobby; Excitement buzzing in the air mere moments before the musicians went on stage. Little did everyone know, someone had nefarious acts on their mind.

When the concert ended and everyone returned to the entrance they found that the boys’ bathroom had been disturbingly vandalized. Every single surface of the bathroom was tagged by “Slaz”. While a full investigation has been conducted, the culprit remains at large. Authorities were able to narrow down the time frame of this egregious act to before the concert, specifically between the hours of 4 p.m. to 6:15 p.m., however, no suspects have been identified. This situation still had many unanswered questions….Who is Slaz? ….Why would they do this? ….Will they strike again?

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The Messenger A

CANDLES BANNED AT GARFIELD!

By Kennedy Greenfelder, Chelsea Li and Imbie Jones

MR. LOVRE REVEALED AS GOSSIP GIRL

fter an incident this past October, Garfield plans to ban candles on campus starting April 10th. ”I am terrified of candles after that!” a student said. Students fear these objects and they have caused huge chaos in the school halls.

SAAS PITIES GARFIELD

With new budget cuts challenging the school district, the future of Garfield High School is on shaky ground. Not to worry though, Seattle Academy is swooping in to save the day. According to SAAS, they strive for their students to “contribute boldly to a changing world”. Safe to say, they are definitely living up to that commitment. SAAS is charitably offering $300,000, which is bound to make a huge difference. Part of that money will be allotted towards repairs in the boys’ bathrooms– soon enough they’ll be able to last longer than a week without being shut down. The rest of the funds will be used to hire motivational speakers who can do cool party tricks, an investment that’s sure to be proven valuable during this time of terrible distress. “Seeing them have a hard time made me really emotional, I can’t imagine what it’s like”, a SAAS student says, getting ready to take off on their senior trip to Yukon, Alaska. Thanks to their generous donation, Garfield can confidently survive at least another day. “It’s not a whole lot, but I hope it’ll help. They really looked like they were struggling”, says another SAAS student. Cardinal and Bulldog solidarity!

THE NEW PNW

In order to prevent any incidents this year Garfield is going to make some changes to Purple and White. At Garfield’s entrance there will be drug-sniffing bulldogs to check student’s bags.

“They may be cute, but they are ready to pounce at any given moment,” officials warn.

Teachers will be using breathalyzers at the gym doors and they are more than ready to catch any nefarious activity. The school even splurged this year and got all the students rides to Seward Park, in police cars! “This will be the best Purple and White yet,” a teacher said.

NO MORE SUMMER

70% OF AP BIOLOGY STUDENTS DROP THE CLASS

The final day of school is pushed back once again! Garfield’s last day is now September 10th. Bummer for the bulldogs they will have to manage double schedules— a whopping 12 classes! No summer break and combined school years students prepare for the long stretch.

After most recent test scores came out a majority of students taking AP Biology make a shocking move and drop out of the class ¾ of the way through the year. “I knew if I had to do one more POGIL I was going to lose it” a Garfield student said.

Reported Time Spent in Biology

“I HOPE IT’LL HELP. THEY REALLY LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE STRUGGLING”

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Graphics By Kennedy Greenfelder

A&E Garfield High School Teachers

Ms. Harris @HamletUncleDaddy George Clooney’s Catch-22 adaptation makes me quiver with rage. Watching Kenneth Branuagh movies right now to remind myself what is good in the world.

Ms. Savoie @peanutbuttertortilla Can’t find the p-value because of the aroma of bath and body works lotion in my classroom.

Sending out SOS emails now.

Mr. Nomura @boardcertifiedchessgod Hella nice catch, I want you on my ultimate frisbee team!

Mr. Bergquist @javascriptTheHutt Don’t contact me, I’ll be at StarWars Comic Con for the foreseeable future.

Ms. Chalker

GHS Teacher Twitter

Graphics from Seattle Schools Directory

@ethnicstudies_queen Someone PLEASE add walls to my classroom. Volume complaints again...

Mr. Brown @tacomaaroma Has anyone found my shoe lifts in the teacher break room?

Dr. A @pharmaKing Attention! 95% of students failed the last test. Great effort though, nice try everyone!!

By Marisa Valenzano

ASK A SCHOOL BATHROOM NIC FIEND Dear School Bathroom Nic Fiend, My boyfriend of 8 months and I just broke up. Even though my friends tell me it will get better, I’m struggling to picture my life without him. I can barely get out of bed each morning and I’ve been hours late to school everyday this week. I have a big essay due this weekend, but every time I sit down to write it, I just end up sobbing all over my computer. How can I get myself through this and will I ever feel love again?

-Lost in Language Arts

Dear Lost in Language Arts, I only need a hit. Just a couple hits.

Please, my pod is empty. Just to get me through this next class. I’m literally shaking. Please! Thanks bro. Huh pfffff. One more? Huh pfffff. Wait please just a couple more, I just have a high tolerance. Huh pffff. Huh pfff.

Bless bro.

Dear School Bathroom Nic Fiend, I particularly enjoyed your advice to Lost in Language Arts, whose boyfriend had just broken up with her. I’m kind of on the opposite end of the spectrum. I have a big crush on a guy in my 4th period math class who’s super cute, but every time I try to talk to him I blush and can barely get any words out. It’s like he hypnotizes me and I just end up making a fool out of myself. We just changed seats, and we now sit at the same table group.

Any tips on how to talk to him?

-Crushing in Calculus

Dear Crushing in Calculus, Dawg, I know you hooked me up yesterday, but I really need some before this test. Just a few hits. I don’t got money to buy a new pod right now. I owe you big time bro. Check out my ghost. Huh… cough cough. Oh sh*t there’s Mr. Firman.

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SPELLING BEE If anybody is in Mr. Khan’s class, this is for you Make as many words as possible with the letters in GARFIELD Rules: 1. For simplicity’s sake, each letter of GARFIELD may only be used once in each word 2. Words must be four or more letters 3. Us (the writers) have edited a list of words that we’ve deemed to be acceptable, such as being used in common english and being in a dictionary like Merriam-Webster Please go to Mr Kahn’s room (Room 205) for the full list of words

RIDDLES 1. What has a neck, but with no head?

2. I am easy to lift but hard to throw. What am I? 3. If 2 is company and 3 is a crowd, what are 4 and 5?

5. What can you hold in your right hand, but never in your left hand?

4. Pronounced as 1 letter, and written with 3, 2 letters there are, and 2 only in me. I’m double, I’m single, I’m black blue, and gray, I’m read from both ends, and the same either way. What am I?

6. Who makes it, has no need of it. Who buys it, has no use for it. Who uses it can neither see nor feel it. What is it?

SUDOKU 1. The objective of Sudoku is to fill the entire grid with numbers, with a couple of rules 2. Only the numbers 1-9 are used 3. In each vertical column, horizontal row, and 3x3 block of boxes, each number can only be placed once 4. Use the already placed numbers and the rules to fill in the rest of the grid

7. Paul’s height is six feet, he’s an assistant at a butcher’s shop, and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

8. They come out at night without being called, and are lost in the day without being stolen. What are they?

Riddle Answers: 1. A bottle 2. A feather 3. 9 4. Eye 5. Your left hand 6. A coffin 7. Meat 8. Stars

CHESS PUZZLE White’s turn to move Find this chess puzzle in Mr Nomura’s room (Room 320)

By Leo Carlin, Amirah Melvin, Havana Hakala, and Asmaa Bah

GARFIELD WORD SEARCH

Word Search but with a twist - You have to think of the words you’re looking for, kind of like a crossword - we kindly provided some hints Hints: _______ is the punishment at Garfield that takes place on the weekends. _______ is the name of our student section _______ is the main color that Garfield is most associated with _______ is the other color that Garfield is associated with _______ is the floor that has the most frequently closed restrooms _______ is the official Garfield High School mascot “Any dawgs in the house true dawgs? _______!” _______ are what typically happens when there is an emergency around or inside Garfield _______ is the typical eating and meeting spot for Garfield students The bathrooms are always _______

Oops...I guess your Candyland-Monopoly-Scrabble-Game of Life-Domino got hit with the uno reverse

A&E

COLORING PAGES: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DAWG By: Caspian Gross-Hamburger and Fiona Real

Spike teaches some inspiring lessons

Spike takes time to eat a nutritious cafeteria hot lunch

Spike hangout in the boys bathroom, with other mascots

Spike is dunking on LeBron James during playoffs

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A&E

HITTING THE BIG SCREEN

The most anticipated upcoming movie sequels.

By Jordana King Fast and Furious XI

Home Alone 5

Ferris Bueller’s Month Off

Napoleon Dynamite 2

nitially, Fast and Furious X was set to be the last of the series. To fans’ surprise, a follow up movie was announced last week. Dominic Toretto will venture on a quest through time to save his deceased family members, and go to extreme measures to do so. Vin Diesel assures his fans that the eleventh rendition of Fast and Furious is not just a money-making scheme, “It’s an intricate story of family and adventure.” Sound familiar? Maybe we’ll get to see Dwayne Johnson driving a time machine through the Jurassic Era. At this point, nothing surprises dedicated fans of F&F.

Macaulay Culkin reprises his role as Kevin McCallister in the latest sequel to Home Alone. But this time, he’s getting married– well, he’s supposed to. Kevin gets held up at his bachelor party and misses his flight to Hawaii for his destination wedding. He tries to get on another flight, but unfortunately they’re all full. When Kevin goes home, he is shocked to find two familiar faces trying to sneak in. Once again, he must set a series of intricate traps in order to prevent the antics of Harry and Marv.

And oh, Kevin’s fiance doesn’t realize he’s not there until she’s been left at the altar.

A day wasn’t enough for him. Ferris decides that the outskirts of Chicago are confining him, so what does he do? He calls his best friend, Cameron, and tells him that they are taking his dad’s brand new Ferrari on a road trip across the country. Unfortunatly, his sister is livid when she finds out what Ferris is up to and decides to interfere in her own creative ways. With his sister on hus tail, can Ferris Bueller convince everyone he knows that he is violently ill for a month straight, or will he resort to new tactics?

To everyone’s surprise but his own, Napoleon has reached multi-millionaire status. After Rico and Kip are arrested for initiating a ponzi scheme, Napoleon decides to take over their little “family business” of selling tupperware and breast enhancement products. With the millions he makes, Napoleon launches Pedro’s campaign for President of the United States.

I

Art by Wren McIntosh

NO MORE UGLY CLOTHES!

Forecasting hot new fashion trends at Garfield.

By Olivia Thompson

Collars

T

he perfect accessory for TRUE dawgs.

Whether it has spikes or hearts on it, it’s the perfect piece of jewelry for purple and white outfits this spring. Since everyone thinks their pet is the cutest, why not take some of their furry style and wear a matching dapper collar to spice it up.

Face shields

Coquette core is out and Covid core is in! It’s time to dig up old face shields because this clear chic plastic can go with absolutely everything. Being practical is this accessory’s middle name, while also having health benefits and being high fashion.

With a little luck, it just might be possible to find an authentic vintage face shield all the way back from the pandemic days.

isn’t any joke! Denim capris are the new sweatpants! The denim cutoff pants are a spring essential, and they are coming at the perfect time to complete a top tier spring wardrobe. It’s time to hit the gym Bulldogs, because these denim capris are ready to accentuate your calves!

Pop It shoes

The days of having to worry about forgetting a favorite Pop It at home will never happen again with new Pop It shoes! The calm popping sound while walking down the hallway will surely turn heads. With AP test season coming up these shoes will assure to keep one calm and collected and guarantee 5’s on all tests!

Parachute pants

Capri jeans

Recently rumors and jokes have been spread about capris coming back. But this

Parachute pants have made their way around, but never parachute jackets. Until now! That dream of falling down the stairs is over with parachute jackets, just deploy

the parachute and glide down to a safe landing. With many ‘fly’ shapes and styles, it’ll now be easy to blow the competition away.

Leash backpacks

Well, this one isn’t a prediction but rather a new backpack requirement. For the 2023-24 school year all backpacks must have leashes attached because Dr. Hart has had enough of this rebellious behavior! Time to get shopping bulldogs, North Face backpacks are out, and leash backpacks are in!

Art by Sly Gross-Hamburger

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STHEPKINGOOFRGARFIELD T S LARPING Trayfe Mcofskey details the Garfield LARPing teams victory this year.

By Lucy Gaines

W

e hear a lot about our nationally ranked basketball teams, but there are certainly a lot of unsung heroes here in the Garfield athletic department.

For example, did you even know that the GHS LARPing team won nationals this year? Yea I didn’t think so. LARPIng (Live Action Role Playing) you may have seen them dressed up in the park on a Sunday and said, “Wtf?” Trayfe Mcofskey is the captain of this team and he has a lot to say about their win and the tough road to get there.

Q: describe your journey to nationals A: It wasn’t easy, the scoring system for LARP competitions is rigorous: there’s style points, realism for action and costumes, romance points as well as death creativity. We were forced to constantly be creative. I had to change my character many times to keep the judges interested throughout the month-long competition.

For our national competition, we dove deep into the elf lore and performed a captivating battle scene between the elves of Bloblaught and the dragon of Blart.

Q: Oh… tell me more about the team: A: Theres Dwarfan, Me, Joffrey, Qinnethon, and Litmith.

Q: How does someone join?

A: We make sure all new members earn a place on the sir-LARPsirlots. Once vetted by the first elimination round, you have to prove that you can master all parts of the LARP experience: you must win a joust against a senior member, you must perform a moving battle death, and act out one of the four following mythical creatures: a dragon, a sorcerer, a elf, or a troll.

Q: You’re a sophomore now right? What do you see happening for the future of this team?

A: Well I really just want it to get the

recognition it deserves. We are without dispute the best athletic unit at Garfield, better than basketball, better than football and the record shows we deserve just as much as they do. I would love to see one of the basketball players try to pretend to sword fight in full costume and makeup, they would soon find it’s much harder and more strenuous. Sure we got our own $25,000 check but we want the fame and the fanfare.

Q: Don’t you think that’s a little unrealistic?

A: Why? We are better, we deserve better, I already have multiple Division one schools recruiting me for their LARPing

programs.

Q: Ya, of course, but at the end of the day, you’re running around a park in costume.

A: I denounce your implication that we are unathletic and silly. LARPing is a nobel sport, a very athletic sport, the best to ever exist.

Graphics from The Seattle Times

BASEBALL WEARS INFLATABLE DINOSAUR COSTUMES FOR ANNIVERSARY GAME

Graphics by Unity Jirkovsky-Gual and Michelle Tong

TRACK AND FIELD ADDS NEW EVENT: CHEESE ROLLING

W

hile track and field has long standing traditional events like sprints, hurdles or even pole vaulting, the addition of a new event could make the upcoming season much more challenging and entertaining. What better event to add to track and field than a 100 meter cheese running race? Similar to cheese rolling, players will line up with circular cheese of Double Gloucester weighing seven to nine pounds tied around their ankle. At the sound of the horn, participants will begin running, pulling the cheese down the track. The first to round the track twice with their cheese roll still intact is the winner! Adapting the beloved cheese rolling event from Gloucester England to a functional track event at Garfield would certainly create a more amusing season.

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For their upcoming Dinosaur Remembrance Day baseball game, the GHS baseball team will be playing a friendly scrimmage game while wearing inflatable dinosaur costumes. The game will take place at the Garfield Lower Field on Friday, April 14 during 3rd period. The benefits of dressing up in inflatable dinosaur costumes are numerous. Not only will windbags in the shape of dinosaurs flailing around on the field add to the entertainment value of the game and make baseball a much more difficult sport to sleep through, but they will also protect the players from the cold of spring with added insulation.

BOYS’ SOCCER CHANGES MASCOT TO HANDSOME SQUIDWARD Although Garfield has chosen the tough, sprightly bulldog to represent our athletic prowess since the opening of our school, the Boys’ Soccer team was over being one with the masses. In an attempt to differentiate themselves from the herd, they decided that the meme-famous Handsome Squidward was a better representation of their team culture and spirit. The soccer team acknowledges that a uniform redesign in the middle of the season will be costly, but hopes their investment will bring joy to the future soccer players of GHS. They would like to thank Seattle Parks and Rec* for their generous donation towards this team rebrand. *not a sponsor or affiliation

HAS SENIOR ASSASSIN GONE TOO FAR?

SPORTS

Garfield Senior reveals the lengths they will go to win.

By Finian Guinney

O

n March 27, Garfield’s Senior Assassin began. In this annual competition between seniors, each student is assigned a target to shoot with a Nerf Gun each week. If a participant is shot by their assassin, or fails to get their target by the end of the week, they are eliminated. To many, it’s a friendly contest to celebrate the end of high school, but some believe that people take things a little too far in order to be the last one standing. So to clear things up, I sat down with a Garfield senior (who asked to remain anonymous), and got an inside look at the competition.

Q: What have you done in preparation for Senior Assassin?

A: “I’ve actually been preparing for Senior Assassin for years. From the start of 9th grade, I’ve been gathering information about my classmates–their addresses, schedule, family, passwords, social security numbers, income–all to ensure that I

win.”

Q: What are the most extreme lengths you have gone to in order to get an elimination?

A: “I once got into a pretty intense car chase with my target. I followed her home from school, but I think she started to suspect something because she started driving in circles.

She wouldn’t get out of her car, so out of desperation I stepped on the gas and slammed into the side of her car. As soon as she opened her door, I shot her with my Nerf Gun. I think she might’ve broken her leg, but at least I got my target.”

Q: What are the most extreme lengths you have gone to in order to avoid getting killed?

A: “I made all of my friends and family sign a legal contract to not snitch on me, and not eliminate me if I’m their target.

Also, just to be sure, I ghosted all of them when it started. You can’t trust anyone.

I even considered changing my legal name, but eventually decided against it.”

Q: If you could add or change a rule to Senior Assassin, what would it be?

A: “I think it has too many rules in general. They should get rid of the grace period before and after events like sports

practice, work, and school. People should always be on their toes, never knowing when they could be eliminated.”

Q: People to watch out for/who do you think is going to win?

A: “Me. Next question.”

Q: Best hiding spots?

A: “The best hiding spots are the ones that are as close to your target as possible.

For example, the trunk of their car, inside their closet, under their bed, or in their walls. Don’t be afraid to think outside the box! (or inside the box, if you’re literally hiding in a box).”

Q: Should the winner of Senior Assassin receive a prize, and if so, what do you think it should be?

A: “Wait, there isn’t a prize?”

Graphics by Griffin Crabs

CONTACT!

Our takes on sports that should pack a punch.

By Mia Andreeva and S. Avalon Leonard

W

ithin the greater sports universe, exist two worlds. One ruled by sportsmanship and respect of personal space and another ruled by contact. But what could we unlock if there was a blending of these two wildly different divisions of sports? We argue that what could be found for these four often overlooked sports is an added entertainment aspect for audience and athlete alike. In essence, a whole new world of entertainment is just at our fingertips, literally.

Ultimate Frisbee

A highlight of this coveted non-contact sport is the “spirit of the game,” which stresses sportsmanship, fair play, and even s e l f refereeing. People tend to get confused when watching the sport. Is it a basketball remix?

A soccer and disc golf mashup? We think that the best way to improve the game and draw audiences in is to make

it more like football by allowing players to tackle the person with the disc. Who knows? With this addition maybe someday America’s favorite pastime will be throwing around the ol’ plastic disc, rather than the old pigskin.

Golf

The game of golf incorporates numerous elements, huge fields, polo shirts, and the often-forgotten caddies. Caddies are normally just there to assist– driving the golf carts, and carrying around golf clubs. What if we were to give them a more active role? In our new and improved version of the game of golf, every cart a caddy knocks over, subtracts 2 points from the overall score of the player.

Additionally, upgrades to the actual golf cart will be not only allowed but encouraged. Think Mad Max: Fury Road meets my grandpa’s favorite pastime.

Darts Do we really need to explain?

Cross Country

It’s no secret that cross country, from a viewer’s perspective, is a bit boring. It is also no secret that a large component of the cross country way of life is vomiting. We think that the ultimate way to incorporate arguably the most iconic aspect of the sport into the actual numbers is through competitive projectile vomiting. For each person that a runner hits with their blowing of chunks, anywhere between 10 and 30 seconds will be taken off of their final time, depending on how much they spewed on their competitors.

Bonus: Lunch Line

Standing in the lunch line, in our humble opinions, needs a total revamping.

Gone will be the days of hazily standing behind a line of hangry teenagers. Enter the hunger games, literally. Since eating in the commons is not really a thing that most seasoned Garfield students do, the entire commons would be better suited for allowing students to live out their young adult

fantasy novel dreams and make getting to the front of the lunch line a free for all.. The game of it is, will you be Katniss Everdeen or will you be what’s-her-face?

All in all there is a world of joy found in all areas of athleticism and at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter how much contact is involved as long as you are enjoying yourself. But because the realms of contact versus non-contact sport are so separated from each other, it would be fair to say that both parties are missing out on what the other has to offer. So, Bulldogs, if you’re f e e l i n g trapped by the all bark and no bite mentality of the non-contact sport life, maybe it’s time to take a walk on the wild side.

Graphics by Mia Andreeva

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SSPORTS P ONEWSR T S

By Jeremy Cogswell

Sonics return to Seattle announced:

F

ifteen years after the Seattle Supersonics infamous decision to relocate to Oklahoma City, the Sonics are finally returning. A group of Seattle businessmen headlined by Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates are reportedly purchasing the team for a price of 2.5 billion dollars.

The deal will be finalized at the conclusion of the 2023 season, and there will finally be basketball in Seattle come 2024.

“Moving the Sonics to Oklahoma was a tremend o u s mistake,” said Clay Bennet, the man who moved the Sonics to Oklahoma. “Oklahoma doesn’t have much going for them, and I can’t think of a reason we should have a team over a great city like Seattle.”

Basketball-starved fans in Seattle are already rejoicing. Mayor Bruce Harrell declared April 1st “Sonics day,” a citywide holiday for all employees and students. “I think it’s really great what [Mayor] Bruce did. We’ve got a whole generation of children that never got to experience an NBA game growing up. It’s only right to give people a day to celebrate the basketball city that Seattle is,” said Joe, who we interviewed while he was celebrating in Pioneer Square. There were approximately 3000 people in Pioneer Square this morning.

While most Seattleites are just happy to have a team, some are already speculating which players we will attempt to sign. Kevin Durant posted a tweet this morning that has led many to believe he intends to return to Seattle.

The NBA superstar was drafted 2nd overall out of Texas by the Supersonics in 2007. Given his less-than-cryptic tweet and an oft-demonstrated willingness to switch teams, itt is not unreasonable to expect to see KD back in the gold and green next year. Durant, however, is not the only superstar athlete to announce their intentions of playing for the Sonics in 2024.

Mariners star outfielder Julio Rodriguez and Seahawks star wide receiver DK Metcalf both

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hinted at dropping their respective sports to play for the Sonics.

Vegas has begun offering odds on the Supersonics becoming 2024 NBA Champions. With all the players that have expressed interest in playing for the Sonics, they are one of the favorites to win the title.

The line opened at +450 and has already moved down to +400. The only team with lower odds (and a greater implied probability of winning it all) is the Milwaukee Bucks at +375.

Ichiro unretires, returns to Japan:

The man with the most hits in baseball history isn’t done yet. The baseball star, who accrued 4,367 hits between Japan and the major leagues, has signed with the Orix Buffaloes in Japan. The move was shocking to many but perhaps it shouldn’t have been.

Ichiro has often stated his intention to play until he is 50; he is currently 49 and turns 50 on October 22nd. It remains t o be seen what Ichiro’s level of play will be, but it is clear that to him, this return is no publicity stunt.

“I have always loved the game of baseball, and I am grateful to be able to live out my dream of playing until I am 50. I saw Jarred Kelenic take a round of batting practice, this confirmed to me that I am more than qualified to return to the sport I love, ” Ichiro stated at his introductory press conference in Osaka, Japan.

I c h i r o played nine years for Orix at the start of his ca-

reer, back when the team was called the Orix Blue Wave. Ichiro’s return to his original team has fans going wild.

It is not surprising that a man who was once more recognized in Japan than Japan’s own emperor is generating this kind of buzz. Nintendo announced that they are releasing a game titled “Ichiro” in honor of Ichiro’s return. The game is similar to a game of Wii baseball, except all characters are named Ichiro and they all get hits every at-bat.

Ichiro’s unprec-

edented return has fans across the world talking. One of the greatest players to ever play the game, returning back to his home country. The only thing that remains to be seen is if Ichiro will break Satchel Paige’s record and play until he’s 60.

Sounders sign Messi:

The Argentinian soccer legend, who famously won the World Cup in November has been heavily linked to the Seattle Sounders. Messi officially rejected a continued $10 million euro a week salary from Paris Saint-Germain for the 2024 season. The Sounders will look to link up homegrown Jordan Morris and Messi in a dynamic attacking duo. The disappointing taste left in fans’ mouths last season should be quickly erased, the Sounders figure to have the most prolific offense in MLS history. Anything less than a title would be disappointing. Lumen Field is guaranteed to be sold out for years to come.

Graphics from Wikipedia, Adidas, Branditechture

Match the quote to the Garfield teacher.

1. “If there’s one thing I know ants will take over your life if you let them” 2. “Don’t get married before you’re 25” 3. “Let us, not tomatoes do our work” 4. “I only played GTA 5 once and then I had to go to therapy”

Mr. Lou - A Mr. NK - B Dr. A - C Mr. Sessink - D Ms. Savoie - E Mr. Moir - F Mr. Gish - G Mr. Saunders - H

5. “I love coronavirus because it’s the perfect example of natural selection!”

6. “Hashtag normalize women’s bodies” 7. “If you don’t shut up, I’m going to put your phone in a ziploc bag, poop on it and mail it to your grandma, and then make her pay for the postage.”

8. “I’m going to throw you down the stairs and shove a bag of squirrels down your pants” 9. “Casual latin”

Answers:

Art by Jada Johnson

GARFIELD MEMES CONTINUED...

1D, 2E, 3G, 4F, 5C, 6B, 7A, 8A, 9H

THE BACKPAGE ERA

FUN FACT The Messenger’s reputation has never been better.

BORED DURING SPRING BREAK?

COUNTDOWN: 21 days left until summer!!

83% of students did not make it to their second half :(

NEW SENIOR ASSASSIN RULES 1. You can revive yourself if you make out with your assassin.

2. Underwear on head = immunity for one hour.

3. Angle Lake is a safe zone.

4. Pride Week coming soon! Gay people get immunity.

5. Colleges will give you credit for 5+ kills.

6. The winner gets 2 student of the month stickers, 8 Garfield lanyards, and their dream body.