Quench - Issue 97

WELCOME TO THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

INSIDE YOUR MAGAZINE EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH

ELIZA DOOLITTLE

+

HOW TO START A BAND

LOOKING GOOD THIS SEASON GETTING STARTED IN PHOTOGRAPHY THE LATEST MUSIC A GUIDE TO CARDIFF

VOYEUR...4 MUSIC...6 FILM...19 PHOTOS...28 FASHION...31 FEATURES...36 LGBT+...40 FOOD... 42 BOOKS...44 Travel...46 ARTS...50

VOYEUR

Welcome to big school

You fucking made it. Well done. Welcome to big school or, as our front cover puts it in a somewhat dramatic manner, the rest of your life.

What lays before your eyes is an incredibly sexual issue of Quench: your fortnightly student magazine. It's made, for lack of a less clichéd term, by students, for students, so, with a bit of luck, should be of some use to you.

That also means, of course, that you could be involved in making this oh-so-marvellous publication. It could be your words in print, exciting huh? Okay, it's not really that exciting, but, and I say this without any bias, joining student media was probably the most worthwhile thing I did during my three years of university. That and the degree, but that's fucking obvious.

So, if you're looking for something to do, and, let's face it, if you're a fresher you'll probably need something, why not come along to the next meeting? There's only so much procrastibation one can do in an evening. We meet every week at 6pm on the 4th floor on the Students' Union, and there is a recruitment party coming up. Ruddy exciting.

But if you're not the writing type, that's okay, there's radio and television to be made. So if you fancy yourself on air (and why wouldn't you, you look dapper today), why not give it a whirl?

As you may have picked up, I am no longer a student at this illustrious institution.

Which means I am in a pretty good position to tell you what's worth doing and what's not. This column isn't really long enough to get it all in, but, I'll offer you one piece of advice. DO EVERYTHING. Whether it is sport, student media or sadomasochism, give it a go.

You may be asking yourself what I'm doing editing a student magazine if I'm not a student. You may have also picked up that this piece of information contradicts the 'by students, for students' tags. Well, my answer to that is: stop being a smart arse and read the damn magazine. I am simply looking after it, holding the baby formerly fathered by Simon Lucy (last year's editor), clutching it into my bosom (or man-boob depending on how harsh you're feeling), before passing it on to Dom Kehat, who will, once back on British soil, be editing it on a permanent basis this year.

You'll find a guide to just about every aspect of Cardiff over the coming pages, so have a read and, who knows, maybe you'll be writing in the next issue. PS

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vouyer@gairrhydd.com

OUT Bin Bags

IN Bin Cats

ba dom tish jolly humorous stuff A man, a cat, and an ostrich walk into a bar. They sit down and the man offers to buy a round of beer.

"Sure," says the cat, "That'd be nice but you know I'm not buying you one in return."

"Fine," says the man and goes to buy three beers.

They drink and talk for a while until they finish their beer and then the ostrich asks if they'd like another.

"Please," says the cat, "But there's no way I'm gonna pay for any later on."

The ostrich orders three beers and they sit and drink and talk for a bit longer. When the time for the next time comes around the man and the ostrich both look at the cat expectantly.

"No way," says the cat. "I made it damn clear that I'm not paying for any beer...you want more, you'll have to pay."

Sighing, the man gets up and asks for three more beers. The bartender, who is obviously confused asks the man, "What's going on?"

"Well," says the man, "I found an old lamp a few years back and I gave it a rub and this genie comes out, says he'll give me anything I wish for. But I'm not sure he really understood...I asked for a tall bird with a tight pussy."

Dictionary Corner Procrastibation To pass the time by furiosuly masterbating

Blind Date

VOYEUR

Sarah

Paul What did you do to get ready? .

Pot noodle and a wank. Standard

What was the highlight of the date? tic.

Highlight seems a little optimis

t If they were an animal wha ? why and be y the ld wou That's a stupid question.

What did you do to get ready?nie

I frigged myself silly to some Bon trated frus Tyler. One cannot afford to be gs. thin e before thes

What was the highlight of the date? t re’t remember much of the nigh I don ol… ally… I think it was the Rohypn

t If they were an animal wha would they be and why? out of

She it. ing a raging hard-on. I didn't get

The man-rug that kept peeping lla, somehis vest reminded me of a gori what.

in?

So will you be meeting up aga have

t?

Most embarrassing momen sus-

or And as always, chuck, fuck ? rry ma She

in?

So will you be meeting up agar?

t?

Most embarrassing momen a havkept making a joke about me

By the time this is printed I will worth moved to London. Definitely not . the booty call

I jokingly told her I'd chuck her. ten the didn't seem happy. Needs to ligh fuck up.

It was pretty awkward when he entire tained a raging hard-on for the x‘Ma evening which he nicknamed imus’…

How do you file a restraining orde

And as always, chuck, fuck marry?

or

ator He was too much of a sexual pred for me… I’d have to say chuck.

vouyer@gairrhydd.com

05

MUSIC

A freshers' guide to Cardiff's

Live Music

If you're a small-town country bumpkin and don't know where to start as you survey your new home, then we'll guide you. If you're a cosmopoliton city-slicker wondering how you ever ended up in Wales, then we'll encourage you. Quench is here to let you in on the many delights and hidden gems of Cardiff's music scene.

Whilst this is by no means meant to be an extensive listing for every venue in Cardiff, it is a guide to the places that frequently host quality live music, from both local and touring acts.

Cardiff Arts Institute

Millennium Music Hall

Fast establishing itself as one of the places to go of a night, Cardiff Arts Institute is everything, and I mean everything you could want from a venue/bar/ nightclub/art gallery. Regularly showcasing the best touring bands still on the cusp of making it BIG, Cardiff Arts is a perfect place to see bands in an intimate setting before they become the slaves of their own popularity.

A relative newbie as far as Cardiff venues are concerned, but Millennium Music Hall has already shown its mettle.

MMH has put on everything from Industrial Metal to Dubstep and back again. A capacity coming in at around 800, MMH has atmosphere and intimacy in equal measures.

The Globe

Buffalo could be best described as a boutique venue. A three-story Georgian townhouse, Buffalo is the epitome of cultural cool in the city centre. Buffalo has weekly live music listings and regularly hosts mini festivals between it’s two floors.

The Globe’s humble façade belies the wondrous bounty that waits within.

Decked in 1960’s psycadelic regalia, entering The Globe feels like a time warp.

It feels as though Janis Joplin, Jimmy Hendrix, or Mick Jagger (during his heyday that is) could be loitering sideof-stage, waiting to perform. A great place to catch established blues/roots performers as well as survivors from the psycadelic, rhythm & blues era embarking upon the ‘twilight’ tours. Blighted by financial woes this past year, let’s try and stave off such worries for a venue that is truly unique.

Buffalo Bar

Barfly Underground, no signal, sweat dripping from the walls; par for the course at Barfly. Keep a close eye on their listings page for what’s upcoming. Barfly generally gets a good mix of artists on the circuit, but can have a penchant for putting on tribute bands.

Clwb Ifor Bach

The Coal Exchange

And now to introduce the place that needs no introduction, Clwb, or Welsh Club to those unfamiliar with the Welsh tongue.

Clwb is pretty much the most well-established live music venue in Cardiff, offering an eclectic array of performers over its three stories. The list of artist’s who have played here is far too long to mention. Even if you are unfamiliar with an artist playing there, take a punt. The calibre of Clwb’s credentials will be unlikely to leave you disappointed.

Reported to have been the venue for the first million pound transaction, The Coal Exchange is now a million miles away from its roots as the hub of Cardiff ’s economy. It is now a favourable venue for artists looking to put on that something special. Recent guests have included John Cale and Super Furry Animals as part of Cardiff ’s Soundtrack festival.

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Jon Berry

MUSIC

But if bands aren't your thing and your idea of fun doesn't involve bumpin' 'n' grindin' along to 50 Cent at Tiger Tiger either, then here's some of Cardiff's best and most established alternative club nights.

C-Y-N-T The powerhouse in the student dance music scene, C-Y-N-T is really rather difficult to avoid. Their weekly residency at Clwb Ifor Bach enjoyed another year of success, featuring the biggest names in electro, house, fidget, techno and more.

Look to the city’s bigger venues such as the Millenium Music Hall for their huge triple headliner nights. Previous highlights have included Annie Mac, Crookers, The Count and Sinden.

TRAFFIC The Cardiff Uni students had a massive year in 2009/10 turning various venues into crazy, messy parties. Expect the unexpected with games, face painting, free toys, interactive art and more.

In the last year they brought a host of cutting edge artists to Cardiff including Ed Cox, Tom Real, High Rankin and the mighty Jazzsteppa. Having found a comfortable home at Cardiff Arts Institute, TRAFFIC really is the best party in town.

One Mission This Uni society is dedicated to anything drum and bass and dubstep. Their regular nights have showcased some of the biggest names in the scene, including Danny Byrd and Skream. They can also be found on room 2 duties at C-Y-

N-T and the Students’ Union Fun Factory on Mondays. The group also offer trips to other nights across the country, last year including RAM at Matter and Westfest.

Aperture Where’s the jungle? Ask Aperture. If drum and bass is your game then these guys will dictate your clubbing calendar this year. A group of highly skilled DJs and MCs comprise the Aperture "family” and can be found in venues across the city. The group, now counting a clothing line and radio station amongst their conquests, will no doubt continue to dominate the scene for years to come.

Neuropol Imagine Aperture’s fatter, dirtier sister and you’ll find Neuropol, purveyors of the grimiest beats in Cardiff. They mission to bring some of the biggest names in dubstep to the city. Previous bookings including Skream, Benga, Caspa and Ntype in sell out events. They also have a growing team of resident DJs more than happy to make you stomp and wobble. Tagged as "The University of Bass, you won’t be able to resist the raucous goings on Neuropol are renowned for.

Jack Doran

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gairrhyddmusic@gmail.com

MUSIC

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music@gairrhydd.com

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Consist­ ing of white middle class kids who’d maybe watched a bit too much Kerrang during their teenage years. Ei­ ther way, we found the name by asking an online diction­ ary for similar phrases to ‘death wish’. I shit you not. That one came up. And it stuck. Other potential names had been ‘Abaddon’ (no idea, I think it meant Hell or something equally as predict­ +-1$:0%",%;<$4$8)*+116%="5)3$5%>+8$?%@8(+8%"4$?!% not true, but at least you know I’m not bullshit­ ting you about being middle class. For more proof: I eat hummus.)

So yes, pick a good name. That’s lesson number one! MC Hammer didn’t get where he is today with­ out a bloody good name that displayed his love of B&Q now, did he?

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Hey, you! Yes, you! Can you play an instru­ ment? No? How about sing? No? Jump around on stage like a twat? Yes! Then why not start a bloody band? This is a dummy’s guide on how to succeed in the brutal unsigned music industry, written by someone who never succeeded in the brutal unsigned music industry. Learn from my mistakes, and take heed, because then one day, you might be on the cover of Smash Hits. What a day that’ll be.

There are certain steps to take in creating a band, !"#$%"& %'()*(%+,$%"-.)"/!0%1)2$%345%"4$%#/!)*+116% talented person and then centre everything around them. Other steps are more subtle, like don’t spend all your money on hookers and blow, and don’t stage dive when the only audience are your family and a tramp. And his dog.

I’m going to very helpfully insert some of my own previous experiences into these tips, to explain what not to do. Imagine it reading an IKEA instruction set written by Josef Friztl – clever, but you know it’s wrong deep down.

Step 1: Pick a Name Your band name is as important as what you play.

Kind of. Not really. Maybe. But no­one is going to go and see Harold Bishop and the Shitmunchers. Sure, you would, but then you’d leave straight away when Mr. Bishop wasn’t actually in the band. Ergo, names are important.

7($6%+,$%8($%3,!8%8()49%8(+8%8($6%')11%($+,0%+45%8($% thing they will try to remember if they liked you.

Or hated you. The name needs to be original, catchy, suited to your genre, and ideally, not shit. Step for­ ward example #1: my old band name.Black Despond­ ency. Oh yes! We were a death metal band!

Step 2: Write a song Songs are nearly of vital importance to any band.

That much is true. You could just be a band without a song, which I have to give it to you, is original, but A%8()42%8($,$?!%+%B+'%)4%8($,$%!"#$'($,$C Songwriting is easy. Three chords should be enough to get you by. Maybe auto­tune your voice too (ooo satire! – this was satire when it was writ­ ten with the whole X Factor debate). The key thing with songs are clearly the lyrics. Write down a list of words that you want to sing about. Then write down another list of words that rhyme with those original words. Easy. I’m like Simon Cowell. Or Gary Barlow.

Step 3: Play a Gig Now you’ve written your one song (that rhymes), you’re more than ready to play a gig. Sometimes bands only play half a song before they leave the stage to a standing ovation, so it’s better to be over­ prepared than under­!

Crowd banter is also essential, try to engage your audience with a witty anecdote about a shopping trip, or perhaps a minority that you despise. That’ll really warm them up to your stage ‘persona’. Af­ ter one gig, you should really be signed to a major record label – if not, just quit.

Step 4: Fire a bandmate Possibly the most important step in the entire band­ *+1$45+,D%3,)49%+%-+45#+8$C%7()!%')11%*$#$48%6"/,% place as the leader of the group, and therefore you will get the most attention. It’s science, really. I’d ,$*"##$45%3,)49%8($%"4$%')8(%8($%!()88$!8%(+),0%-/8% don’t cite that as your reason, as it’s a hate crime.

Now that you’ve started your band, sit back and release cover version after cover version. Everyone appreciates your take on an old classic, especially if you change the words, chords, melody or the mean­ ing of the song. Or if you get Vanilla Ice to collabo­ rate with you. Happy banding!

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music@gairrhydd.com

MUSIC

ALBUMS

A rundown of some summer releases

Autolux Transit Transit

ATP Recordings

8/10 Following a debut album like 2004’s critically acclaimed Future Perfect is no easy task, particu­ larly when the legendary T­Bone Burnett is dismissed in favour of a self­produced effort. Attributing Transit Transit’s delay to “get­ ting the business end of the music squared away”, can the trio con­ tinue to channel the dream­like majesty of their previous work?

The answer is a resounding yes. Despite the long wait, Transit Transit serves as a completely log­ ical progression from Future Per­ fect, with a new sense of variety that almost makes the debut seem inadequate. Not content with just continuing the already successful formula of Sonic Youth meets My Bloody Valentine, Autolux have developed the electronic aspects of their sound that had previously only been hinted at. Tracks such as Highchair display the band’s desire to diversify, with drum ma­

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chines and sparse arrangements perfectly complimenting Greg Ed­ wards’ softly­spoken vocals.

Transit Transit is also a far more dynamic album than its predecessor. The eponymous open­ ing track is the band’s most touch­ ing composition to date, with its delicate piano chords lulling the listener into a false sense of secu­ rity before shattering any expec­ tations with Carla Azar’s driving beats in the abrasive and discord­ ant Census. The album continues through a meticulously planned exploration of unexpected and familiar territory, from the band’s traditional hallmarks in Super­ toys to Edwards’ channelling of John Lennon in Spots.

Autolux have created an album that is almost perfectly judged in its introduction of new sounds while retaining all the elements that made their debut such a suc­ cess. Although the lyrics remain as obscure as ever (“another cat­ atonic birthday cake” anyone?) and some of the drones go on for a little too long, Transit Transit is a wonderfully angular piece of work that bodes well for future and hopefully more punctual re­ leases.

Michael Brown

Wavves King of the Beach

Bella Union

6/10 King of the Beach ­ I’m not sure whether the timing of this release, on this side of the pond at least, is an act of ironic genius or a fail­ ing of the most epic proportions. !"#$%&"' "($")%"*+%*,' -' .)%"/ ' 0%)­ tation with some sunshine at the start of June, July and August have been as miserable as Morris­ sey. So you see my dilemma. Was King of the Beach released at this point to try and alleviate the Brit­ ish predisposition with the weath­ er, or to rub a heaping bowl of salt into our weather worn wounds?

I think I may be over analysing things here ­ my own predisposi­ tion with the British weather has taken over. Anyway. Summer time (regardless of weather) is often­ &%1"#' &2$%3"4' .2' #511")' 15#%+6' and Wavves do just that in dirty, great big rattling doses. King of the Beach leads on quite nicely from their self­titled debut, exploring the sonic limits of neo­psycadelia

MUSIC

to it’s fullest. The fact that the al­ bum does little to indicate a band who have matured since their de­ but doesn't matter because, quite frankly, it doesn’t need to. Wavves are the perfect vehicle for Nathan Williams almost defunct style of song writing. As the album draws to a close, one can’t help but be reminded of waves crashing on a beach, such a metaphor that is repeated throughout the albums clamour. And as I write this it is starting to rain. Thanks, Bella Un­ ion. Thanks a lot.

Jon Berry

Bombay Bicycle Club Flaws

Island Records

6/10 Second albums are always a tricky one for bands, as critics and fans alike wait with baited breath to see if they still ‘have it’.

You only have to listen to the sin­ gle Dust on the Ground which Bombay Bicycle Club have re­

worked from their debut album, I Had the Blues and Shook Them Loose, to understand that this is not the same band we are used to.

This time round they have opted for a more unplugged, folk­ in­ spired sound ­ unsurprising given the surge in nu­folk bands such as Mumford and Sons. They have chosen to lay off of the electric­ ity and have instead picked up acoustic guitars and banjos; this is clearly a far cry from the indie­ rock which launched them into the spotlight in 2009.

Regardless, what makes this album so beautiful is its simplic­ ity. It's a low­budget, self­recorded album and bears none of the over extravagant sound effects or mix­ ing which is so common in the music industry today. Instead it focuses on simple guitar picking combined with a truly unique voice. Songs such as Rinse Me Down and My God are evidently opportunities to focus on lead singer Jack Steadman’s haunting voice. Through covers of Joanna Newsom’s Swansea and John Martyn’s Fairytale Lullaby it is apparent that Flaws is presenting a more grown up BBC. !"#$ %&'($ ')*+,#$ (-$ .#$ &#,#/'#0$ from the album is Ivy and Gold,

an upbeat song for the summer infused with bluegrass roots and traditional folk, it stands some­ what apart from the rest of the songs. What makes this album so lovely to listen to is its tendency to merge perfectly a continuous stream of acoustic guitars and poignant lyrics. When listening to Flaws as a whole, you are struck by how nice it is but little more ­ by no means is it groundbreaking.

Unfortunately, when BBC ditched the electric guitars they also lost some of the panache which made ("#1$ '-$ 2*)32#$ )*$ ("#$ %&'($ )*­ stance. It seems they have jumped upon the folksy bandwagon in order to shrug off the exhausted indie­rock tag, and the lack of in­ tegrity in such a move is blatant.

Despite this, Flaws is perhaps a step in the right direction for the evolution of BBC's music and it still manages to emphasise their great competencies with word play, which is no bad thing. It is pleasing to hear, however, that they will be picking up their elec­ tric instruments once again for their next album.

Emma Wilford

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MUSIC

Arcade Fire The Suburbs

Mercury Records

9/10 Once in a while an album is pro­ duced that transcends the usual criteria of what makes a good record. It goes beyond auditory appeal and strikes a chord within a generation, embodying a feeling or mood of that time and express­ ing it in a way that only music can. Bob Dylan did it countless times, and others like Joy Divi­ sion and Blur followed on accord­ ingly, but for us 2004 saw Arcade Fire release Funeral. The gran­ deur of such a statement is fully appreciated, but in an era where introspection is almost a fashion trend, an album that broods over the loss of childhood and indulges our relentless “soul­searching” is one which will be met with teary welcome. In Funeral we have one of the most celebrated releases of the past ten years, and rightly so.

Seldom before or since has their been an album so packed with delicate catharsis and that rare quality of feeling like it was spe­

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music@gairrhydd.com

!"#!$%%&' ()"**+,' -.)' &./0' 12$3",+' our shock then when its sequel, Neon Bible, was less tender re­ 4+!*".,' $,5' 2.)+' 6+$7&86$,5+5' %+!*/)+0' 9+:;"*+' <+",3' $' #,+' $%­ bum, gone were those uplifting moments of hope amidst a harsh reality (Wake Up, Rebellion/Lies) and instead was just an outline of the harsh reality, but without the hope. Childhood gave way to politics and nostalgia gave way to regret, losing much of the poign­ ancy in the process.

So Arcade Fire’s third album, The Suburbs, has been the subject of enormous hype and specula­ tion, and at 16 tracks long plays out as a much more complex effort than either of its predecessors, but equally as superb.

Immediately apparent is the album’s increased diversity of musical styles. Through straight­ up punk track Month of May, the Blondie­inspired Spraw II (Moun­ tains Beyond Mountains) and the synth­pop of Half Light II (No Celebration) there are intermit­ tent and refreshing breaks from the usual array of accordions and violins. These are ever­present, however, as impeccable string ar­ rangements from Owen Pallett/ Final Fantasy are the foundation of many songs, and most trium­

phantly found on tracks like Emp­ ty Room as they surge proceedings forth with particular ardency.

Other standouts are the sim­ ple Modern Man and City With No Children In, which further Funeral’s study of childhood to that of actually being grown up and the transition inbetween. But while there are perhaps no Wake Up8:*&%+'$,*6+2:='*6+'.7+)$%%'4.(' of the album is so balanced that it doesn’t show. 16 is a lot of tracks *.'#%%'$,'$%</2'("*6='</*'*6+)+'":'$' savvy to the way Arcade Fire have picked their moments of when to extend tracks out with sprawl­ ing instrumentation and when to leave it. The effect is much more subtle than on Funeral and much less harsh than on Neon Bible, yet manages to induce many of the same emotions that made the former so well received.

As a whole, the expanse and sophistication to which The Sub­ urbs seeks to explore its themes make it a much more complete album than the two before it, and only reinforces the sense of al­ legory around Arcade Fire that make them such a satisfying band to love.

Simon Roach

Hockey Barfly

July 1st It must have quite a culture shock for hockey entering the beer­ stained, underground cavern that !"# $%&'(# )%*!+,# -."/# 01%(23# /4# %# sell out stadium in Swansea (I can hear the boos, hisses, and chants 45 #6(4.#-%78#9%"/%&3:#(4.#-%78#9%"­ tard in the far­off distance as I write). I must admit that I thought 7)44"!+,# ;4782(# %"# %# ".004&/# act for Pink to be something of a strange choice, but not necessar­ ily because Hockey are that far re­ moved from Pink musically. After %11:#94/)#%&2#0.&*2(4&"#45 #040#<.­ "!7:#!+3223#2*2+#!5 #/)2!&#&2"027/!*2# undertakings differ somewhat in /)2!&#%00&4%7)=#>4:#<(#,&!2*%+72# is not with the music, but with the fans who would choose to go and "22#?!+8#!+#74+72&/:#%+3#"02%8!+,# 5&4<#2@02&!2+72#A94/)#<(#<4/)2&# and my little sister went along) /)2"2#<%!+1(#74+"!"/#45 #04"/B<2+­ 40%."%1# C4<2+# A"4&&(# <.<D# %+3# silly young girls (sorry sis). After talking recently with a Swansea resident who went to the concert, not a relation of mine though, my feelings seem to be all but accu­ rate; “Oh yeh, Pink was a­maz­in’.

Honest love, it was fab­ulous.

Live

Didn’ think much o’ tha’ ‘Ockey, tho.”# AE# )%*2# /&!23# <(# 92"/# /4# %0­ 0&4@!<%/2#/)2#FC%+"2%#!+'27/!4+# here, but it’s beauty doesn’t really translate textually).

So, like I said, to go from that, to %#&44<#5.11#45 #"C2%/(#024012:#%+3# even sweatier walls, must have been a return to familiar sur­ roundings for the Portland quar­ tet, whose Just a Song Away you 0&49%91(# &274,+!"2=# F.&0&!"!+,1(:# /)!"#"4+,#%002%&23#&21%/!*21(#2%&­ 1(#4+#!+#;4782(G"#"2/:#32"0!/2#!/#92­ ing the only of the band’s track to have received mainstream radio 01%(#!+#/)2#HI=#>4/#%#9%3#327!"!4+# 4+# /)2!&# 0%&/# /)4.,)J# !/G"# +!72# /4# %# "22# %# 9%+3# 0./# %"!32# /)2!&# 741­ 127/!*2# 2,4# %+3# 01%(# 54&# /)2# %.3!­ ence.

Playing a mixture of as yet unreleased song and tracks from their debut album, Mind Chaos, Hockey show that they have a lot to offer in the way of forthcoming material. The only negative as­ 027/#45 #/)2#+!,)/#C%"#,2//!+,#)2%3B butted at the end of the gig. As if that wasn’t bad enough it was by a girl, leaving my dignity in all 9./#/%//2&"#4+#/)2#$%&'(#'44&=##F)2# must have heard me voicing my 3!"%00&4*%1#%/#;4782(G"#$2+-%<!+# Grubin's statement that Cardiff rocked more than Swansea. A bit 45 #%#9%3#!32%#!+#&2/&4"027/= Jon Berry

Singles

MUSIC

Hurts Wonderful Lfe

RCA

8/10 E/G"#+4/#45/2+#/)%/#040#<."!7#<%+­ %,2"# /4# 92# 74+*!+7!+,1(# 04!,+­ ant. Yet this critically acclaimed, ")%&01(# 3&2""23# 3.4# 5&4<# K%+­ 7)2"/2&# )%*2# <%+%,23# /4# 0%!&# their dark tale of a suicide at­ /2<0/#4+#/)2#F2*2&+#$&!3,2#C!/)# 2@)!1%&%/!+,# 2!,)/!2"# !+"0!&23# "(+/)# <."!7# /4# 0&43.72# 1(&!7!"<# worthy of association with Joy Division. They have created a ret­ ro sounding tune which is acces­ sible enough to attract the mass­ 2"#C!/)4./#"211!+,#4./#74<012/21(= Emma Wilford

The Hoosiers Choices

RCA

5/10 And unlike so many of their con­ /2<04&%&!2":# L)2# ;44"!2&"# %&2# not blighted by an undue sense 45 #"215B&2,%&3#4&#04<04"!/(=#L)2(# %&2# %# 5.+:# M.!&8(# 040# 9%+3:# C)4# <%82#5.+#M.!&8(#040#<."!7=#F.&2:# Choices is unlikely to be consid­ ered in future times as one of the most memorable songs of the decade, but it has something that a lot of bands readily forget; a melody line.

Jon Berry

Olly Murs Please Don't Let Me Go

Epic

5/10 We all remember Olly Murs, &.++2&B.0# /4# /)2# <%&,!+%11(# more irritating Joe McElderry in 1%"/# (2%&G"# N# O%7/4&# 74<02/!/!4+=# Well, he’s back with a Jason Mraz P!+"0!&23Q# /.+2# 2+/!/123# Please Don’t Let Me Go=# H+54&/.+%/21(:# )!"# 32"02&%/2# 012%# !"# /44# 32&!*%­ /!*2#/4#")%02#%+(#8!+3#45 #7&23!912# career, although it’s worth a lis­ /2+# 54&# /)2# !11B-.3,23# 74.+/B!+# 45 # “one, two, free”.

Michael Brown

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MUSIC

MEETING

my

fair

lady

Quench sends Paul Stollery to catch up with Eliza Doolittle

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MUSIC

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MUSIC

"

being a singer felt totally normal.

It was the only thing I knew."

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FILM

Gruff Rhys's, Seperado! was lucky enough have a residency at I3%4).7$A7)/$;.-)7.+$=)J/$%$:%7#­ ly humored rock­doc­odyssey on the trail of a long lost musical 7."%)*8.$ %7'(-9$ H+$ A#.7*;%$ %-9$ hasn't garnered huge attention, so it was good to see Chapter sup­ 4'7)*-5$)3.*7$3'#.&'0+$=K $0'($"*<.$ the SFA's surrealist stlyings, you will enjoy its offbeat meandering >%)%5'-*%-$%98.-)(7./+ For the many fans of Bestiality out there, it has been rumoured )3%)$ L*-5$ 'K $ >%-9'7%1$ ?%#./$ Cameron may include some kinky Na'vi sexual healing on the A8%)%7$ 989+$ M.""1$ *K $ )3.0J7.$ 3%"K $ %/$ M''9.-$ %/$ )3.$ ;3%7%;).7*/%­ )*'-1$*)$/3'("9-J)$"%/)$)3%)$"'-5+$ The saddest thing of the summer, Megan Fox leaving Transformers 3 aside (That's satire, keep up) was the abolition of the UK Film I'(-;*"+$ =)J/$ %$ :7.-;3$ 5*8.-$ )3.$ variety it provided; supporting home growners like Fish Tank, comedy such as =-$ C3.$ E''4 %"'-5$:*)3$H;3''"$!"#$;"(&/$%-9$ tonnes of grants for grassroot 9*/)7*&()*'-+

=/$ =-;.4)*'-$ %$ G%/).74*.;.N$ Quench Film has subconsiously )(7-.9$ *-)'$ %$ E%&07*)3*-.$ #%O.$ 'K $=-;.4)*'-P*/#/$)3*/$:..<+$QR'($ might want to read our review if 0'($3%8.-J)$/..-$S'"%-J/$!"#T Otherwise, i'm sure you will have been as vexed as we are to just how$5''9$=-;.4)*'-$*/+$=)$*#­ presses sheerly through brute ;'-!9.-;.$ %-9$ /)(--*-5$ %;)*'-1$ &()$)3.$"%;<$'K $;3%7%;).7$;'-U*;)$ and motivation left some cold as :.""$%/$;'-K(/.9+$K'7$#.1$)3.$/(&­ /.78*.-;.$ 'K $ V*I%47*'$ %-9$ ;'+$ )'$ what seems a greater narrative 4':.7$ :%/$ <*-9%$ )3.$ 4'*-)+$ V'$ people tut at 2001 containing only WXYZ[X$ #*-()./$ 'K $ 9*%"'5(.NS'1$ )3.0$#%78."+$ The suggestion it may all have been a dream isn't a corny plot point, rather testament to No­ lan's grasp of cinema's meaning %/$J/3%7.9$97.%#J+$M%);3$*)$%5%*-1$ and you will see just how much power Nolan is prepared to give to his artform and the ability of the audience to remain con­ /;*'(/"0$ 9%OO".9$ *-$ /4*).$ 'K $ )3.$ K%;)$*)$#%0$%""$&.$%$97.%#+ !"#$%&'()*+,-.

Trailer trash

No. 11 The Social Network

Since most of you are probably re­ lying on Facebook to administrate your social life during your time at university, we thought it might be topical to spotlight the upcoming !"#$ %&'()$ *)+$ ,'-./)"01$ *)2/$ 3%44.-­ *-5+$6*7/)$6%7#8*"".1$%-9$-':$)3*/+ Surprisingly, The Social Network 9'./-2)$%;)(%""0$"''<$)3%)$&%9+$=)2/$9*­ rected by David Fincher (the master­ mind behind cult classics Se7en and Fight Club), so whilst the premise is admittedly sketchy, it seems at least 8*/(%""0$%44.%"*-5+$>"(/$?.//.$@*/.-­ berg (Adventureland) is starring, %"'-5/*9.$A-97.:$B%7!."9$%-91$(#1$ ?(/)*-$ C*#&.7"%<.D$ %"7*53)1$ &()$ *)$ /)*""$"''</$&.)).7$)3%-$=$)3'(53)+$E.)2/$ F(/)$3'4.$)3%)$G0H4%;.$9'-2)$5.)$%-0$ *9.%/+ Matt Ayres

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FILM

L A R B E R D I E C LULO L E C ?

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Directors have always endeavoured to create unique universes and concepts within their films, but not until this summer has such a conceptual film made a significant impact on the box office and on blockbusters themselves.

Emily Kate Bater looks at the films that allowed Inception to become a semi-religion, quietly ploughing their paths through the avant-gardes and perplexing to come out the other side as classics.

Blade Runner (1982) When many film goers think of sci-fi, as it is under sci-fi that most of these films including Inception fall, most think of strange gadgets, out there CGI and weird looking animals with funny voices. But really sci-fi is an idea and its success is dependant on the willingness of the audience to embrace that idea and allow it to envelop them fully.

Blade Runner asks what it means to be human in an increasingly de humanised and impersonal society. Harrison Ford plays Deckard, a human leading an empty and lifeless existence.

It is his job to retire replicates, genetically engineered human cyborgs who must be disposed of before they develop emotions and risk wanting independence. In order to discover if a person is actually a cyborg, an empathy test is used if empathy and compassion is shown then the person is a replicate, as humans are cold and uncaring. This struggle between “human” and “robot“, creator and its creation is played out in a disturbing yet intoxicating 2019 Los Angeles.

The climax of this sci-fi film however couldn’t’t come any closer to pure human drama, and the fact that the audience is in such an alien environment only makes it more affecting.The original cut of Blade Runner was notoriously unrepresentative, and it wasn’t until the Directors Cut that the film was agreed to be one of the greatest existentialist films of all time.

Brazil (1985) Terry Gilliam is slowly becoming the go to man for surrealist cinema, most recently with The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus, where the legendary Tom Waits plays Mr Nick (a.k.a The Devil) and Captain von Trapp is a strange guru who owes him big. He is also who we can thank for the celluloid translation of Fear and Loathing and Twelve Monkeys.

But it all started with Gilliam’s Brazil, which just like Inception puts dreams within an already distorted reality, becoming further twisted in the mind of the protagonist everyman played

by Jonathan Pryce. One image that’ll stay with viewers is that of Sam Lowry’s plastic surgery addicted mother, whose face is stretched and distorted to the point of hilarity.

Like many parallel universes seen in cinema the one in Brazil is a totalitarian government heavily reminiscent of Orwell’s 1984. It seems much is owed to the original fable of a night-

marish future, but Brazil takes this FILM vision and turns it on its head making it both ludicrous and buffoonish as well as hideous. Unlike 1984, our hero falls foul of the state not because of its power but because he is even more bumbling and inept than it is. Brazil is just as much political satire as a strange, retro version of the future.

The Matrix (1999) The Matrix has become such an accepted piece of cinematic furniture that its initial ground breaking effects might have been forgotten, not surprisingly due to the less than awe inspiring sequels that followed it (the cringe worthy sex scene in Reloaded wiped out all its other redeeming qualities).

However The Matrix was the first of its kind – a mind bending special effects extravaganza that not only took you to different levels of reality but challenged and confused to within an inch of your consciousness, especially when you were nine and the image of Keanu Reeves as a foetus was a bit disturbing. One of the greatest villains of modern cinema was created in the form of Agent Smith, who’s monotone delivery both disturbs and intimidates.

The Wachowskis are yet to live up to the expectations heaped on them, but if you hazard to venture into the wilderness of internet forums, and there are A LOT, there’s enough to keep you reading until the sibling duo decide to dust off their directing hats and give Keanu another job.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) Never has such a beautifully shot film required as many viewings as Michael Gondry’s ode to lost love and second chances, a film that deftly mixes both classic romance with journeys into the subconscious and memory brought to mind when watching Inception. Even the equipment used to put the dreamers to sleep is reminiscent in Inception, even if it is a bit shinier and doesn’t allow its subjects to be danced over by Mark Ruffalo in his pants.

As Joel and Clem run through his memories in an attempt to preserve their relationship the audience are placed in odd and surreal situations that are hilarious yet heartbreaking.

Disturbing though the concept is it does have an element of possibility here, and the idea is both tempting and disgusting in equal measure.

If we could all be permanently happy and live a life of ignorant bliss, wouldn’t the world be a better place? This Orwellian concept of two people on the run from a higher power is given a twist here in that the heroes have chosen this fate themselves.

What makes Sunshine so brilliant is that it is a parallel universe almost identical to our own Joel and Clem could exist and their plight is all the more enveloping and memorable for it.

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FILMS

L&3"5#"*&,A &%!"&(.%"$%7&!,%%"$%&'()$

Inception Dir;Christopher Nolan

10/10 Leonardo DiCaprio is Cobb, a persuasive thief who steals from the subconscious. But when he’s asked to plant and idea instead of extract it, Cobb has to face his past and his own subconscious in order to return home to his children.

For all its dreamscapes and mind fuckery, Inception is a classic !"#$%&'()&*#%!&+,--&.$$")-(#/0&.& crack team Oceans Eleven style.

This ensemble cast stops it be­ #/0& 1#+.23#,4$& 5"!#6("7& *#%!& 8,)& 9.3:;& 23,5#:#/0& .& (,5.-("& 6,6<;& charm to juxtapose with Gordon­ ="5#%%4$& .33,0./%& .$$#$%./%>& ?.3#­ on Cotillard is a heady cocktail of -".@%;&./:&).(#0/./6"7&.&%"33#-("& $"/$"& ,A & A,3"-,:#/0& A.((#/0& "5"3;& time her exquisite face appears, (#<"&.&5,(@2%@,@$&23.;#/0&)./%#$> It’s been debated whether Incep­ tion is an action movie with brains, ,3& .& 2$;6!,(,0#6.(& ).B"& %!.%& C@$%& happens to have action. Here, the %*,&0"/3"$&)"30"&./:&6,)2(#)"/%& each other with spectacular effect.

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1@3#/0&%!"&/,%!#/0&("$$&%!./&.*"& #/$2#3#/0& B"3,& 03.5#%;& '$%& '0!%& );&C.*&(#%"3.((;&:3,22":>&D%&)#0!%& sound clichéd, but clichés exist for .&0,,:&3".$,/> ?@6!&!.$&-""/&$.#:&,A &%!"&6,)­ plex plot, but when we consider that at one point four different sto­ 3;&(#/"$&.3"&-"#/0&%,(:&$#)@(%./"­ ously and the audience is still on %!"& ":0"& ,A & #%$& $".%7& %!#$& '()& ./:& Nolan's betwixt and between writ­ #/0&#$&.&)#3.6(">& D%& #$& /,%!#/0& ("$$& %!./& E,(./4$& pure vision, and it helps that there’s no Caped Crusader cast­ #/0&.&$!.:,*&,5"3&%!"&23,6"":#/0$& F& %!#$& #$& E,(./& 3@//#/0& *#(:& ./:& 3"*3#%#/0& %!"& 3@("$& A,3& "5"3;& ,%!­ er blockbuster movie maker out %!"3">& DA & .& '()& %!#$& 6,)2("G& ./:& sophisticated is possible on such a !@0"&$6.("7&*!;&#$&./;,/"&).<#/0& POTC4?

H@%&%!.%&#$&A.3&A3,)&%!"&-#00"$%& question asked by Inception, eas­ #(;& %!#$& ;".3I$& ),$%& #/%"((#0"/%& Blockbuster, yet appositely, a ter­ 3#'6.((;& #/5,(5#/0& *!#%"& </@6<("& ride.

Emily Kate Bater

Get Me to the Greek Dir; Nicholas Stoller

6/10 It’s no secret that Russell Brand recently made the swift transi­ %#,/&A3,)&23#B":&/.%#,/.(&6,)#6&%,& 23"$%#0#,@$& #/%"3/.%#,/.(& $@2"3­ star. Of course, it was only a mat­ ter of time. We all know that Hol­ (;*,,:& (,5"$& .& 0,,:& J/0(#$!)./7& and Brand is just that: a bloody 0,,:7& "66"/%3#6& J/0(#$!)./7& $"%& to rewrite America’s expectations of what us Brits are supposed to -"&(#<"7&/,*&%!.%&9@0!&K3./%&!.$& 0,/"&.((&,(:> LA%"3& .& -(#/:#/0(;& A@//;& $@2­ 2,3%F3,("&#/&M,30"%%#/0&N.3.!&?.3­ $!.((&.$&%!"&*#$"F63.6<#/0&6,6</";& 3,6<"3&L(:,@$&N/,*7&H3./:&$"")$& %,& !.5"& $"%& %!"& -.3& .& %.:& %,,& !#0!& to really impress in this spin­off.

Whilst it’s true that Get Him to the Greek was written almost entirely around Brand’s quirky persona, he seems here to be presented as .& 6.3#6.%@3"& ,A & !#$& ,*/& (.30"3& than life personality, instead of, well, himself. What made the role #/& N.3.!& ?.3$!.((& $,& 2#$$F2./%$&

FILM

brilliant was Russell Brand, just as he is, running rampant among ludicrous celebrity stereotypes.

In this case, though, Brand is the stereotype, and the consequence is simply not as funny. !"##$% &'()% *+,"-+.% /+010% Brand occasionally falls short of the mark, P. Diddy (yep, who'da thunk it, puff himself) goes the extra mile , stealing most of the &'(23% '4"-+5,"*5',"6% (,(0#*3.% There are plenty of these, par5 *78"'41'$%43%9,#4+%:7''23%*$;784''$% 4<=<416)% #,*5>"7*05-1,<#5";5$0*% character is confronted with sex, 61"-3% 4#6% 1,8=2#21,''% 7#% !17-+*0#5 ing abundance: think The Hango5 ver but with rockstars. /17*01?67108*,1% @78+,'43% A*,'5 ler should have drawn the line at +7'417,"3)% B084"30% *+4*23% 104''$% <+010%*+0%(017*%7#%*+73%&'(%'703%C% any last minute attempts to round things up with family values go mostly unfounded. Regardless, if you like your comedies with an extra portion of insane, this is worth checking out.

Matt Ayres

Toy Story 3 Dir; Lee Unkrich

10/10 /+7'0% *+0% 10'0430% ,!% D,$% A*,1$% 3 was met with expected expec5 tations of the mixture of mel5 ancholy and wonder that have marked the series so far, I must admit to nagging doubts about the need for a third installment in an already stunningly formed series. /+7'0%7*%<43%"#7E0134''$%48=#,<'5 edged that with the writing team that created such a richly drawn 4#6% ;013,#4B'0% 843*% ,! % D,$3)% DAF% would satisfy the particular mel5 4#8+,'74%*+4*%G7H41%&'(3%4!&1(%3,% colourfully, a personal worry was whether there would be enough #4114*7E0% I"3*7&84*7,#% !,1% *+0% D,$3% ";;7#-% 3*78=3% *,% A"##$3760% daycare centre. /0'')% 7*% +4;;0#3% *+4*% J% <43% <1,#-)% 7#% 4% !"##$% <4$.% /+7'0% there is a strange inevitability about Andy's leaving for college, *+0% &'(% 0437'$% 0#*01*47#3)% (,E03% and excites in equal measure. The opening half hour picks up sever5 4'%$0413%4!*01%DAK)%$0*%*+0%*0#%$041%

gap seems only to have increased the intricacies of character, espe5 874''$% /,,6$L3% 3*046!43*% ',E0% !,1% Andy. Alas all the Toy's but him think Andy intended to cast them 43760)%4#6%410%*4=0#%*,%A"##$3760% daycare centre, with promise of eternal playmates. The new char5 acter's including the embittered Lotso add only depth rather than #,E0'*$% *,% *+0% &'()% <7*+% M41B70% and Ken characterised with satiri5 cal yet kind nuance.

The narrative is never forced however, and the new characters !"30% <7*+% ,1-4#78% B04"*$.% /+7'0% N,*3,%73%*+0%E7''47#)%7*3%67!&8"'*%#,*% feel sorry for his abandonment yet he genuinely seems to endanger /,,6$% 4#6% 8,)% 4#6% $,"% 410% #0E01% allowed to believe we are guaran5 teed a happy ending.

This seems to be the trilogy's greatest achievment. Animated spacemen and cowboys are genu5 ine yet heart breakingly senti5 mental but always intrinsically connected with Andy.

It is no exagerration to say Toy A*,1$ is the most organically real5 ised trilogy ever, LOTR and The Godfather included and that is maybe the simple reason why its such a wrench it had to end.

N',$6%O17!&*+3

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film@gairrhydd.com

BEST FILM FOR...

FILM

Virginal Reassurement. American Pie Few would deny that American Pie is a rite of passage as teen movies !"#$%&'$(")$*+,$-,./%001$/&2&2*2%*,'#$*+,),$%),$(,3$405-$*+%*$3200$!26,$ you more hope than this oh­so­relatable tale of four dorky American teenagers on a mission to get laid before college. As our mismatched friends embark on a mutual mission for sex, we’re reminded that even the uncoolest of kids can get the girl sometimes – whether it’s Oz the self­styled ‘Casanova’ turned choirboy or Finch the mochacchino­ slurping sophisticate, Jim who receives pornographic presents from +2-$7%'$")$8*29,)$3+"$:+/!-$-,5,&;-<2=,'$>,6,)%!,-?$ You probably won’t need to go to such lengths to pull during your Fresher’s Week… probably. Either way, with such memorable charac­ ters and uproarious scenes, this would be a great one to watch with 1"/)$ &,3$ 9%*5%*,-$ "&$ %$ +/&!"6,)$ &2!+*$ 2&@$ %&1$ 405$ *+%*$ (,%*/),-$ %$ teenage boy masturbating with an apple pie before it hits the halfway mark is bound to break the ice a bit.

Matt Ayres

Educating. An Education University is an opportunity to reinvent yourself and to cast off the shackles of your past, but some experiences stay with and shape per­ son forever.

The stunning Carey Mulligan is the 16 year old Jenny who stands on the brink of gaining a place at Oxford and achieving what she thinks is her life ambition (know that feeling?) when she meets the charming David who introduces her to a glamorous world she'd desired but never seen for her self. Jenny may be naive but is strikingly intelligent and when she has to choose between learning and life, she asks her head teacher (Emma Thompson) why she should give up so much fun for so much boredom ­ but the battleaxe can’t answer her simple question.

A"3,6,)#$*+,$405$),-2-*-$*%=2&!$-2',-$%&'$*+,$'2:+"*"51$2-$:"5<02­ cated by David as Jenny is shown such distinctions aren't necessarily truthful, and thus her coming­of­age occurs. For the those freshers who struggle to chose “learning” instead of “life” in the next few months, don’t regret it ­ the next three years will be less about learning and more about life than you could ever imagine.

Emily Kate Bater

Nihilistic Comedy. Rules of Attraction B*$),%001$2-$),5%)=%>0,$*+,$*,))24:$0,6,0$"( $C"1$%&'$-+%5,$%$)%*+,)$%)>)­ itrarily constructed fortnight of drunken debauchery can inspire. If you are feeling apprehensive about the nihilistic malestrom that is Uni­ versity, then I point you to Roger Avary's Bret Easton Ellis adaptation for dark laughs and a reminder that even if you end up inexplicably naked in Bute park, your experience is likely to be Vanilla in compari­ son to these...

The picture is as fractured as its anti­heroes, fragmenting back in time and with no lead role. JD. Group sex and narcotics pass amongst the students, with a shocking suicide to boot.

Avary's character's are fragile in their cynical and nihlistic attitudes, 32*+$D%*)2:=$E%*,5%&F-$GH5,)2:%&$D-1:+"I$>)"*+,)$:"&4',&*01$',%02&!$ with drug dealers and scenting sexual prey, yet coping pathetically with ),%0$0"6,?$A,$<)"62',-$*+,$405-$(/&&2,-*$1,*$>1$*/)&-$-%'$5"5,&*?$J)"/­ sers down, caught by his secret obsession he utters the tragic line ­ "I only had sex with her because i love you". Reassuring, that despite that J)%(4:$02!+*$<%)*1#$1"/$<)">%>01$3"&F*$<0/5>$*+,-,$&2+02-*2:$',<*+-? !"#$%&'()*+,-.

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film@gairrhydd.com

uls is art

breaking

the

s

Create something big.

Join the awarding winning Cardiff Student Media.

No experience is required.

Whether you fancy yourself as the next Charlie Brooker or the next Zane Lowe, or are actually a bit shit but wouldn't mind giving it a go, come along to our recruitment party on Monday, October 4.

!"#$%&'(!)*+#(,)"#(%&'+,

PHOTOS

Photo opportunity :3!0/*('3,,!'$'(-()!6(6-.'($%(,!$(#08%78!"( with photography

Hi, and for what must be at least the tenth time this issue, welcome (back) to Cardiff. Allow us to intro­ duce ourselves ­ we are Tom and Chris, second and third year journalism students and this year’s joint­ !"#$%&'(%) ($*!(+*%$%,&-+*.('!/$#%01(2'(#$(#'(%3&(4&'$( time writing the section and, as for many of you, this 5-.(6!77(*-8!(9!!0($*!(4&'$(!"#$#%0(%) (:3!0/*(.%3;8!( ever picked up (we’re not just talking to the freshers), we thought it apt to give a quick introduction to what Cardiff can offer to all you photo lovers.

For starters, the uni’s PhotoSoc, with Darkroom classes, studio sessions, a monthly competition and occasional socials– all for less than a tenner for the year ­ provides a great opportunity to start getting involved and meet other likeminded snappers. There have even been reports of the society holding their very own mini photo­marathon, an idea based on the hugely popular citywide event that takes place each summer (info at www.photomarathon.com).

In terms of galleries and exhibitions, Ffotogal­ lery is an organisation that, in their own words, “endeavours to bring photographic work to Wales”.

By putting on diverse exhibitions, workshops and seminars across a variety of locations (Chapter Arts Centre is a good one to look out for), Ffotogallery has !'$-97#'*!"( #$'!7) ( -'( %0!( %) ( <-&"#)) ;'( 5%'$( +&%7#4/( photographic institutions (more info at www.ffoto­ gallery.org). One exhibition that, although not start­ #0,( 30$#7( =$( >-8#";'( >-.?( "!40#$!7.( 0!!"'( -( 5!0$#%0(

is Big Little City at The Old Library. Not just a pho­ tography exhibition but more a three month long, ever­evolving showcase of Cardiff ’s creative talent.

Exciting stuff.

Also, although not an exhibition per se, there is a series of photo’s online that we strongly recommend that all Cardiff inhabitants have a look at. The as­ tonishing scenes in Maciej Dakowicz’s Cardiff Af­ ter Dark set (on www.maciejdakowicz.com) will, for those who have been here a while, be instantly rec­ ognisable. For those new to the city, they will be soon enough.

And now on to what the section itself has to of­ fer. Every two weeks we will be announcing a theme for our competition that is open to all, no matter how skilled or experienced you are with a camera. The 6#00#0,(+*%$%(,!$'(+397#'*!"(#0($*-$(6!!@;'(:3!0/*( and entered into the Student Media Awards at the end of the year. More details next issue.

Finally, this year, we endeavour to get as many stu­ dent­taken photos as possible into this here student mag ­ gone are the days of stolen stock images! By joining our mailing list (which you can do so at the student media introduction day) you will be given fre­ quent opportunities to get your pictures published.

So, whether you’re heavily into photography or just like the occasional snap, keep your eyes on this space as we’ve got features, opportunities and suggestions for everyone.

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quenchphotos@gairrhydd.com

FASHION

The last of Summer's Sun Gwennan Rees gently eases you into Autumn fashion

Summer’s warmth (if you were lucky enough to experience any) is quickly fading, leaving summer skirts, shorts and dresses obsolete- unless your legs are frost proof that is. But that perfect summer dress you snapped up in the sales is still crying out to be worn. So, learn to mix flirtatious summer pieces, with more versatile autumn trends, and your days will continue to sizzle even without the sun!

Why not throw a chunky cable knit cardigan over a delicate dress to add a touch of warmth and comfort to end of summer style? Swap vests and tee’s for long sleeve jumpers.

Pair with shorts, skirts and dresses a-like for a playful appearance.

Socks and sandals may conjure images of past fashion faux pas but done carefully it is a great way of making use of the warm weather footwear that you just can’t bear to say goodbye to just yet.

Utilise your entire wardrobe in this way to ensure party funds remain intact and you set out for uni with your best fashion foot forward. (check out the photo shoot for more inspiration.)

Yet, that new injection of cash into our previously sorry looking bank accounts seems like a licence to shop, shop, shop.

All those clothes we’ve been yearning after through these dismally poor summer months seem all at once within our grasp thanks to the apparition of the student loan. And what better time to invest than the be-

ginning of a new season?

True to form, the a/w 2010 runways were ablaze with a wealth of styles, shapes and textures making this season just as exciting as the last. Most noticeably, the shows celebrated the woman and encouraged femininity through fashion. The appearance of four Victoria’s Secret models walking for Prada screamed that curves are most definitely back. This season’s motto: be whichever woman you want to be.

Experimenting with texture this autumn could change which woman you are from one day to the next: * Choosing leather will turn you into a rockabilly in a matter of seconds.

For a laid back look, opt for a casual leather jacket.

Or, dare to wear something as extreme as a leather dress, the likes of which caused excitement on the Altuzarra runway. * A white lace knee length dress could turn you into a hopeless romantic, while see-through black lace could cause you to become a gothic seductress. * Transform into an explorer with the help of faux fur (or ‘costume’ fur), which was a dominant fabric in the Chanel ready-to-wear collection this year.

Whoever you want to be this season, there is a look for you.

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FASHION

Freshers' Survival Guide O-#,5"%8)4#$%$-.#%2+-Q.#%6.#6).#9%(+.%N.#$"#.$% C##4%>*!"%!"#$#%"),92%"*,!$;;;

Gear up for freshers by ensuring you’ve got !"#$#%&'#%()$"*+,%$-.'*')/%#$$#,!*)/$0

1. Take care of your tootsies 1).!2*,3%)//%,*3"!%*,%$42%"*3"%"##/$%5),%!)4#%*!$% !+//%+,%2+-.%6++.%(##!%$+%.#/*#'#%!"#%6.#$$-.#%72% -$*,3%$+8#%7/*$!#.%6)9$%!+%8)4#%$-.#%2+-:.#%,+!% /#(!% /*86*,3% 7#"*,9% 9-.*,3% (.#$"#.:$% (+.!,*3"!;% </$+=% *!:$% )% 3++9% *9#)% !+% 3*'#% 2+-.% (##!% )% 7.#)4% *,%!"#%9)2%72%>#).*,3%5+8(+.!)7/#%(++!>#).=%$+% 6)54%2+-.%6-86$;

2. Remember your five a day ?++9%$4*,%),9%/+!$%+( %#,#.32%9#6#,9$%+,%)%7)/­ ),5#9% 9*#!;% @-!% *( % 2+-:.#% $!*//% /#).,*,3% !+% (#,9% (+.% 2+-.$#/( % 6-.5")$#% $+8#% A*!)8*,% B-66/#­ 8#,!$%>"*/#%2+-%$!*//%")'#%2+-.%>)!#.%>*,3$%$+% !")!%2+-.%7+92%9+#$,:!%(##/%!++%,#3/#5!#9;%%%

3. Experiment with accessories C*!"% 5+-,!/#$$% 6).!*#$% !+% )!!#,9% 2+-% 8)2% &,9% 2+-.$#/( %.-,,*,3%+-!%+( %+-!&!$;%D#'#.%(#).=%)5­ 5#$$+.*#$% ")'#% 8)3*5% 6+>#.$% !+% !+!)//2% !.),$­ (+.8%),2%6*#5#%+( %5/+!"*,3;%E$#%>")!%2+-%")'#=% 7+..+>%(.+8%)%,#*3"7+-.%+.%8)4#%)%!.*6%!+%F+6­ $"+6%7-!%6*/#%+,%!"#%G#>#//#.2%),9%#9*!%9+>,%!+% 3*'#%!"#%$)8#%9.#$$%2+-%>+.#%/)$!%>##4%)%5+8­

32

fashion@gairrhydd.com

6/#!#/2%5+,!.)$!*,3%/++4;

4. Zip it up H+$*,3% 2+-.% $"*,2% ,#>% $!-9#,!% I;J% +,% *!$% '#.2% &.$!% +-!*,3% >+-/9% 7#% )% 5)!)$!.+6"#;% K##6% 6+$­ $#$$*+,$%$)(#%7#"*,9%!"#%*,$*9#%L*6%+( %)%!+!#%+.% 5.+$$%7+92%7)3=%7+!"%+( %>"*5"%2+-%).#%/#$$%/*4#/2% !+%/+$#%!"),%)%5/-!5"; 5. Feel fresh B/##6*,3% !".+-3"% 2+-.% 5).#(-//2% $#!% )/).8% *$% ),%*,#'*!)7/#%#'#,!%(+.%!"#%8)G+.*!2%+( %-$=%),9% 5+-/9% 8#),% 8*$$*,3% 2+-.% 8+.,*,3% $"+>#.;% M+86#,$)!#%72%-$*,3%$+8#%J.2%B")86++%)$%2+-% .-,%+-!%+( %!"#%9++.%(+.%)%(.#$"#.%(##/*,3;

Star Tip ?#!% *,'+/'#9% *,% M).9*(( % ()$"*+,% 72% "#)9*,3% 9+>,%!+%!"#%B+5*#!*#$%N)*.%),9%G+*,*,3%!"#%N)$"­ *+,% B+5*#!2;% E,9#.% ,#>% /#)9#.$"*6% !"*$% 2#).=% !"#% B+5*#!2% )*8$% !+% 7-*/9% +,% !"#% $-55#$$% +( % *!$% 6.#8*#.%2#).%>*!"%7*33#.%),9%7#!!#.%$+5*)/$%),9% ()$"*+,% $"+>$;% </$+=% $*3,% -6% (+.% #8)*/$% (.+8% O-#,5"%N)$"*+,%)!%!"#%P#9*)%N)*.%),9%!.2%2+-.% "),9% )!% >.*!*,3% ),% ).!*5/#% +.% "#/6*,3% +-!% )!% )% $"++!;% F"#$#% ).#% 7+!"% 3.#)!% >)2$% !+% 8##!% /*4#% 8*,9#9% 6#+6/#% ),9% 9*$5+'#.% ()$"*+,% #'#,!$% )//% ).+-,9%!"#%5*!2;%%

HOW

TO

LOOK

GOOD

THIS

N M U T AU

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fashion@gairrhydd.com

FASHION

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fashion@gairrhydd.com

FASHION

35

fashion@gairrhydd.com

FEATURES Okay, you’ve flown the nest and suddenly you’re panicking. Mummy and Daddy have driven off into the sunset and that means you’ve been left to fend for yourself in the big wide world. Well, fear not!

Past experiences have inspired us to come up with some cracking DO’S and DONT’S to ensure your success at manoeuvring smoothly through fresher’s fortnight.

DO take without asking We at Quench certainly do not condone criminal behaviour of any kind. This said, anyone who pinches any unsupervised traffic signs from a night out can only be heralded as a fresher’s God. For those Talybont residents out there, do your bit in screwing over the system by taking your Tesco trolley home with you.

Your shop is heavy; you’re hung-over and by god if those wheels lock then the damn thing can be carried!

DO stay up all night Bedtime is pretty much non-existent when you find yourself at University. Don’t shut your eyes until you hear the birds singing and sunlight comes bursting through your window. That way, you wake up to the best meal of the day: dinner. 5am is the new 10pm, didn’t you know?

DO talk to strangers Not complete strangers of course, you’ll look mental. Do however get chatting to every single Cardiff student you come across as you’ve only got a fortnight to make an impression before people start settling down into their friendship groups.

Get thinking about those original conversation starters!

DO explore Broaden your horizons and feel free to get lost around the city. Outside of your residences is a world of things to do. Why not venture into Roath or Cathays? You’ll find many a dingy bar with the most amusing of characters, plenty of quaint shops and even the occasional park or two to waste away your (predictably numerous) days off.

DO visit the Fresher’s Fayre Use stealth when blazing around the stalls at the Student’s Union. By this I mean take all the free junk you can. Whatever they put in your hands: pens, key rings, badges, snacks, just get out of there with your bags stashed to the brim. For maximum amounts of free goodies, hit the stalls around 30 times and use all the free pens

36

features@gairrhydd.com

you get to create an alternative moustache disguise each time you go round.

DON’T buy shit food Those value chicken nuggets may seem like a good idea at the time but 19% chicken does not contribute to a healthy diet or a healthy stomach in the morning. If you can’t cook anything more impressive than nuggets and chips just ensure you make friends with the best chef in the house and you’ll be laughing.

DON’T Set off fire alarms Hilarious at first but bloody infuriating when you begin to realise that security’s response time becomes gradually slower as you embark upon your tenth alarm call.

This is also a sure fire way to lose friends when you’re the reason thirty people are outside being cold and cranky at 3am. Definitely not cool.

DON’T Sleep with housemates If you’re one of the lucky ones, there’s bound to be some piece living next door to you in halls. Listen carefully when we say: resist those urges! Unless they’re at least a nine out of ten make no attempt at wooing your fellow flatmate. Upon choosing to ignore these instructions, one must prepare for several months of sour conversation and minimal eye contact. Trust me.

DON’T be that guy No-one likes to be the weird kid throwing up in the middle of the row after a twelve hour binge session. Think logically, head to the seats nearest the doors as they allow for a quick dash to the toilet for a cheeky chunder. Failing that, take plenty of carrier bags to your lecture and look no one in the eye after the inevitable occurs.

DON’T stop at fresher’s flu We’ll have none of that. Make sure you’re on top form for every night in Fresher’s otherwise you’re guaranteed to miss out on some hilarious banter which the rest of your friends will be laughing about for years to come. Man up, down your beechams and get back on the wagon.

DON’T regret anything This is definitely the most important piece of advice we can give to you as new students. Fresher’s fortnight is bound to deliver some of the most memorable events of the rest of your life. So get involved, be reckless and do your best to partake in anything which you know your parents would definitely not be proud of.

DON upon

FEATURES

DOs and DON’Ts A few tips to get you through university

N’T do something the right-wing press would frown n and then upload evidence to a social network

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featuresl@gairrhydd.com

FEATURES

WELCOME.

Quench introduces you to a few places you should get to know over the coming months

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travel@gairrhydd.com

FEATURES

Albany Road

Cardiff Arts Institute

For those of us in this world who feel comfortable rocking out in an outfit composed entirely of other people's throw-aways, Albany Road really is the place to be. It surely must hold the Guinness World Record for most charity shops per square mile, both sides of the street lined with worthy causes. If such a thought sends shivers down your spine, rest assured, these bargain bins are not only full of horrific knitted jumpers and cracked china, the savvy charity-shopper can pick up designer labels, vintage wear and brand new gear. Check out PDSA in which almost half the shop is devoted to the weird and wonderful, from boiler suits to burkhas. Simply perfect for the cash-strapped student, Albany Road is king of the charity shops.

One of the city's newest venues, CAI has brought a whole lot of energy with it. The wide selection of food and drink on offer is only a small part of the real magic of the Institute. Whilst one wall is lined from head to toe in rubber gloves, another has been transformed into an epic wall of lego. With a wide range of board games and art exhibitions upstairs, you can lose an afternoon easily. By night CAI effortlessly transforms into a music venue to genuinely be excited about. Check the impressive programme and you'll see a range of local, national and indeed international bands grace the stage on a regular basis. The tempo rises at the weekend as the impressive soundsystem pounds out all manner of beats and bleeps. Check out the monthly night of madness run

by TRAFFIC for fancy dress, carnival-style fun.

Jacob's Market Located just beyond the very centre of our fair city, Jacob's Market is definitely worth a visit. The converted cracker factory (as in with cheese, not at Christmas in case you were curious), is rammed with over fifty stalls devoted to anything from retro furniture to military uniforms. The many floors provide an hour or twos wonder, pawing through boxes of strange objects you can't identify. With prices possibly beyond the budget of the average student, don't expect to come home with bags full of bargains.

Even so, a bit of determination and you could find the ultimate fancy-dress, bedside table or present for a friend. Be aware, the market is only open from Thursday through to Sunday.

Roath Park It probably hasn't taken you residents of Talybont or Colum Road long to realise, you live right next to the simply gigantic Bute Park. Gorgeous as it is, perhaps you could be tempted to exercise those leg muscles and head over to Roath. Whilst the impressive horticulture may not get you on your feet right away, the stunning thirty acre lake may do just that. For a small fee you and your friends can get naval and hop on a pedal boat for the afternoon. If you want to release the inner ten-year-old or have had a few bevvies then there's a cracking play park to boot. All in all, it's most definitely worth the extra ten minutes walk, once your there you'll find it hard to believe you’re in the middle of a capital city.

Southern Down Beach I'll cut with you now reader, I am writing this on a lovely sunny day in August, I am hoping that similarly glorious weather will be beaming through our windows come mid-September as we start the year. One of the very greatest things about living in Cardiff is the close proximity we live to some of Wales' finest beaches, and no, I'm not on about Barry. If you're not keen for sticks of rock and Dodgems, and indeed, if the weather holds out, get yourself over to Southerndown beach. Once you've convinced your unfortunate friend to drive, it takes less than half-an-hour to get to a slice of paradise. The bay is surrounded by impressive cliffs, a car park to the rear means its easily accessible. Pack yourself your swimmers, some beach games and a barbeque and your guaranteed a day to remember.

Gwdihw Fear not young fresher, not yet attuned to the jumble of consonants that is the Welsh language, this is not a typo... The Gwdihw (pronounced with surprising ease - Goody Hoo) is situated just off Churchill Way, not far from Cardiff Indoor Arena, indeed, not far from the centre of town. If tasty cocktails and wholesome grub don't get you running to the attractively decorated venue, then surely the fantastic array of audio amazement will. A whole host of promoters put on nights to suit many tastes, expect anything from a Ukele jamming session to funk and soul sessions from one of their resident DJs. The fairly small interior is bolstered by a large outdoor area for the warmer blooded and/or smokier amongst us.

The Promised Land Initially I should warn you, don't expect pearly gates/a hundred virgins/streets paved with gold when you step inside The Promised Land. However, what you can expect is a whole host of reasonably priced, locally sourced, quality grub. The bar/restaurant is seconds off Queen Street, the rugged aesthetic offering a perfect haven when Cardiff's busiest street gets all a bit much. For the raging carnivours the 'Elephant Burger' is a real treat, admittedly containing Welsh beef rather than anything poached on safari.

It's claimed that The Promised Land is quite the celebrity hang-out, the walls lined with autographs.

You never know, you could be scoffing down your Camarthenshire ham or Caerphilly cheese sat opposite Helen from Big Brother 2.

Tenkaichi Sushi and Noodle Bar I must admit the idea of eating fish that has not enjoyed the pleasure of the pan/deep fat fryer/microwave, is not one that appeals to me. However, many a Cardiffian has well assured me that as far as Japanese dining goes, Tenkaichi is the place to be. Furthermore, the same Cardiffians also inform me that apparently there is more to Japanese cuisine than raw fish on conveyor belts. Should you venture to the City Road restaurant, you can expect an expansive menu and reasonable prices, the hard-up diner being able to eat for under a tenner, albeit a 'no-starter-anda-glass-of tap-water' type affair. For those of a similar disposition to myself, there are dishes that I'm sure would appeal to all, even the least adventurous amongst us. features@gairrhydd.com

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LGBT+

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gay@gairrhydd.com

LGBT+

THE FIRST TIME Welcome to the first ever LGBT+ section. Whether you're gay straight, bisexual, transexual or just unsure, this section is for you.

Given the opportunity, let me utter a huge welcome to all of you new Cardiffians regardless of your sexuality or gender. To all assured, gay, straight, open, proud, confused, unsure or scared, these fortnightly pages are here for each one of you, about you and because of you.

So, let’s get on with it!

The last year has been extremely successful for Cardiff; the University was awarded the BEST University at Readers Choice Pink Paper Awards 2010 and the society, began a fresh new start and became an award winning society. They also were recipients of the third place in the Best LGBT Society Category of the Readers Choice Pink Paper Awards 2010. In addition it was awarded the most developed Association of Student Led Service in Cardiff in the Society Awards of the students union for 2009/2010.

The society is up, running, expanding, growing – or may I even prophesize a bit here – taking over. With the variety of events the LGBT society of 2009/2010 has prided itself on in the last year you can be guaranteed the fun will go on and get even better in the forthcoming year. To continue with the pride theme, National Student Pride in Brighton, yes, they went, they conquered and had the time of their lives. No sad ‘ah’ needed here though, the society sure wants to go this year again and take YOU with us. The nights out – for those of Gaga variety and for the lovers of Joy Division, The Smiths or more hardcore stuff – Cardiff has it all on offer, providing a lovely gay package. So yes, the society has participated and dragged you around the Diff to all of these. Not to mention coffee gatherings, cinema trips, bowling outings and a lot more! We saw the birth of the 2 new bars – 4play and WOW Bar – and development of all the others including Exit, Icon, Club X or good ol’ King’s (Cross). Make sure to check them out. In addition to ever popular Hell’s Bent, the alternative and indie extravaganza, which has been held more frequently in the last couple of months, we also got Femme Fatale for the ladies!

Pulse got repainted, refurbished and looking better than ever. Cardiff has met and even exceeded many expectations. Excited yet?

If you haven’t met them already, the committee is ready to make your fresher’s year as enjoyable as the year 2009/2010. Although having every reason to be, they remain far from arrogant prats, but rather a super lovely bunch of people, eager to meet you all and help you make like-minded friends and they want you to help make the society as fantastic as it could be. So leave your worries and newly acquired flatmates for one night out and join us – I promise we won’t be able to get rid of you until you happily bugger off for the summer holidays!

Leaving the university and society entertainings aside, which on a side note will be aplenty, Cardiff itself has a lot on offer if you choose to spend your fresher time with other societies but still stay in touch with LGBT+ world around you.

The Iris Prize Film Festival – an international gay and lesbian short film festival - will be held in Cardiff again this year. The ever exciting names are propping up more cheekily and frequently – for more information, vist their website.

As a fresher, unfortunately unless you're Cardiff based or a Cardiff lover and decided to come over a month prior to starting your studies, you've just missed the Cardiff Pride weekend which is held right at the end of August. But fear not.

It’s getting better and better, so by the time your ‘pride’ has grown... it'll be here for you next year.

Last but not least, for all you politics nerds or hyper activists and campaigners, the LGBT+ association is something to find out about. To make that happen or to get more information about what LGBT+ stands for and is about, the Union is your best bet. The elections are looming and coming very soon, so make sure you will be the change we never cease to need.

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FOOD

GREASY SPOONS The best places in Cardiff to clear that hangover.

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Kids, ahead of you lay a tough couple of weeks. Fourteen days of debauched late night antics, partying, drinking and making sweet, sweet love with hugely inappropriate partners. All activities that are excellent fun, but demand endurance and stamina! What better way to keep exhaustion at bay, boost energy levels and beat that relentless hangover into submission than with the aid of a hearty fry-up?As a hard seasoned connoisseur of the fullEnglish and purveyor of meaty produce I shall guide you through a number of breakfast eateries to suit all pockets and tastes. Cardiff is blessed with a plethora of appetizing options, from the dirty (but oh-so-good) greasy spoon cafés, to veggie-friendly diners that are worthy of even the most sophisticated palette’s consideration. Most of the following restaurants and cafés can be found in Studentville (a.k.a. the Cathays area of Cardiff), a Mecca for food and drink-lovers alike and can be reached easily by foot from Talybont.

FOOD

One for the cheapskates:

Ramones

In recent years Ramones has earned its reputation as the ultimate hangover cure by delivering gargantuan portions of delicious food, unlimited quantities of builder’s tea and a delightfully boisterous atmosphere that is perfect for shaking off that thick-headed morning-after feeling. There are a variety of breakfast sizes and meal combinations on offer that allow you to be as conservative or as ambitious as your stomach allows. I would urge you to consider their ‘Super-mega’ sized offering to truly embrace this unique Cardiff breakfast experience. Ramones can be found on Salisbury Road, a stones-throw away from rear of the Student’s Union.

64 Salisbury Road, One for the indecisive:

Cafe 37

Rivalling Ramones for convenience and location, this smart and clean café offers a better quality of breakfast, but without the rough and ready charm of its opposite neighbour. The menu is extensive and includes a wealth of bready options, including baguettes and sandwiches, in addition to a comprehensive breakfast list. A particular favourite is the American Breakfast that includes a stack of traditional American pancakes, maple syrup and Cardiff ’s crispiest rashers of bacon. Get there before 10.30 a.m. for a 50% discount Sunday -Friday (pfft, like you’ll wake up for that!).

37 Salisbury Road One for the cultured:

The Pot

Cool and stylish, this café is a fusion of American and French décor and food. The menu comprises of scrumptious grub, made with quality ingredients. The integrity of Thé Pot’s menu hinges on the sheer variety and daring of the dishes on offer. The Sweet Potato and Goat’s cheese Lasagne is my particular favourite. This dense pasta meal contains beautifully rich cheese that is not only delicious, but weighs down the stomach nicely after a heavy night on the town.

88 Crwys Road One for the fat bastard:

Cafe Calcio

In recent years The Observer newspaper has listed Café Calcio amongst the best cafes in Britain…and it’s not hard to see why! Calcio has achieved a cosy ‘living room’ feel with its chunky leather arms chairs, sophisticated décor and contemporary artwork. Whilst it caters for serious meat eaters (with such options as its ‘Fat Bastard’ Brekkie), it has a wide range of vegetarian options too (which I am assured are delicious). Not content with just being a breakfast hangout, Café Calcio also has a full lunch time menu and even serves alcohol if you fancy a boozy afternoon! Keep your eyes peeled for one of Calcio’s famed music nights!

145 Crwys Rd food@gairrhydd.com

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BOOKS

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BOOKS

Crime Pays Crime novels worth picking up Crime fiction is arguably more popular now than ever before. Every bookshop has a crime section stocked to bursting and, unlike certain other genres, crime fiction is inclusive; just as anybody can commit a crime, anybody can enjoy reading about one. So much crime fiction is peddled these days that it’s easy to overlook some brilliant books amidst the tons of tomes available. Here I’ve profiled some works that you may not have considered. Most of them have already been adapted for film or TV, yet the original novels may be unfamiliar to many people. There’s every possibility that regular readers of fictional criminality may not have explored some of these, and even if the genre generally isn’t your thing, one or two may catch your attention.

Dennis Lehane Lehane’s work is probably familiar to people through films based on his stories: Mystic River, Shutter Island, and Gone Baby Gone. The latter is based on one of Lehane’s Boston-set detective novels (which is far superior to the film), featuring private investigators Patrick Kenzie and Angela Gennaro. It’s a story that pulls no punches: as with all the Kenzie novels, Lehane’s narrative is edgy, unpretentious, and very, very graphic.

This tale of kidnap, paedophilia, and drugs gangs has the general depravity and deprivation of the Boston setting permeating every page.

Narration comes from anti-hero Kenzie, a man with a problematic past and an equally messy present. Sounds grim? I’m not saying there aren’t any laughs, but when a lot of them originate around an arms-dealing, vodka-guzzling, exMarine named Bubba (who lives in a warehouse covered in explosives), you can understand that Lehane’s powerful tales certainly aren’t the proverbial park walk. They’re even more disturbing than Kenzie’s hatred of The Smiths…

Peter Robinson No, not the one with the interesting private life.

This Robinson is the creator of the very fine Inspector Alan Banks series of novels, set in the fictionalised Yorkshire town of Eastvale. Robinson’s writing is detailed without being pedantic; he cleverly throws in more classical and literary references than you’d realise, and his descriptions of places and of people are routinely everyday yet magnificently inspired.

Alan Banks is an interesting character: flawed

yet ultimately a genuine and likeable man, and a capable (though not flawless) detective. Robinson creates a fine supporting cast, too, particularly Banks’ long-standing missus, Sandra, and oafish but decent Jim Hatchley. For such a picturesque area, Eastvale (like Midsomer) has its fair share of crimes, allowing Robinson to deal with various themes, such as racial tensions in Dead Right, and the problems with prisons in Innocent Graves.

To Kill A Mockingbird Yeah, you’ve probably read it. Shock horror, I’ve never managed to, but I’ve been assured that it really is that good. Probably best not to watch the film first, though. Harper Lee’s classic has just been re-released in various formats, so get yourself a copy if you’re curious.

The TV crowd: Barnaby, Morse and Wexford Obvious choices? I doubt many people haven’t seen at least one of these in tele-visual form, certainly Midsomer Murders’ Tom Barnaby. The novels behind the shows are really very good.

Caroline Graham hasn’t written many Barnaby books, but the pilot episode of MM was based on her award-winning The Killings At Badger’s Drift. Major differences from the show are superficial (clothes and hairstyles, and it’s set in the Eighties) and the story is fast-paced and gripping, detailed in a quintessentially English way.

John Thaw as Inspector Morse is probably the iconic TV detective. Colin Dexter’s character is perhaps a little less likeable on paper, but more well-rounded, and the stories are varied and interesting. Ruth Rendell’s Inspector Wexford novels are hardly unheard-of: she remains extremely popular, and her books adorn any charity shop. Yet she’s well worth reading if you haven’t. Her prose is damn good quality, and blurs any distinctions between literary and mass-market fiction. Rendell also does a nice line in psychological thrillers.

The Crucible OK, not strictly crime fiction. But Arthur Miller’s skilful transposition of contemporary fears onto the real witch hunts of seventeenth-century Salem ensured one of the finest courtroom dramas ever produced.

books@gairrhydd.com

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TRAVEL

S N TIO

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TO

A N I T S

S IN

Mexico

Guatemala is a place which constantly provides the potential to shock and awe. In June alone Guatemala city experienced a hurricane, a volcanic eruption and a sink hole. This host of natural disasters, which the residents seem to take in their stride, is relatively normal for a country which contains numerous mountainous and volcanic regions, a huge underground cave system and a coast on both the pacific and the Caribbean ocean. Despite being well practised in the destructive elements of mother nature, Guatemala still remains unprepared for whatever comes next. But strangely this is what inspires me, the country´s ability to cope and continue without completely altering.

I witnessed the Guatemalan desire to survive during my climb of Volcano Pacaya just outside of Antigua the capital city. On 27th May 2010 it had erupted killing everything in a five kilometre radius. As we began the ascent towards the summit the trees were bare and singed, all nature and wildlife had been annihilated. The ground was covered in a layer of ash which got deeper the higher we trekked and we saw the remnants of the village which had been destroyed in the initial blast. Our guide had been in the neigh-

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bouring town the night of the eruption but had lost two children in the explosion. Despite this he continued his job as a guide, explaining that the volcano is a thing of power that it demands respect, his determination to show its beauty to those who wish to see still remaining despite his tragic experiences. The community who survived were rebuilding their lives a few hundred meters down from the singed remains of their old village. At the forefront of such natural destruction, Guatemala is a country which still goes on, its locals still proud of the land which seemingly turns against them with such regularity, and this is nothing if not inspiring.

Gavin Jewkes

India

India is well known as a Mecca for new aged Hippies who smoke ganga whilst performing the perfect yoga twist in an attempt to find themselves. For me, this technique did not deliver an instant inner peace and instead it was the peculiarities of India´s culture, people and landscapes which allowed me to embrace, empathise and fall in love with this beautiful country.

Its diversity meant that the heat, smells and sights of Rajasthan felt like a truck hitting me, yet after this

TRAVEL

initial struggle the Himalayas in the north provided the perfect spot for me to breathe and try to come to terms with everything I had just experienced. India is a country with the most resourceful, intelligent people I have ever encountered, yet there is still no organised sewage or rubbish systems. With a population of more than a billion this lack of basic human hygiene meant the standard of living was compromised wherever we went, thus the small favours each person offered me were appreciated so much more. Their ability to not only survive but prosper is what inspired me about Indians as despite the constant hurdles they have to overcome, as a nation they remain loyal and dedicated to their motherland´s religion, culture and mentality. It is a place I will never forget and I think everyone should experience at least once in their lives so as to see and understand the strength existent in humanity even in the face of adversity.

Clare Baranowski

Morocco

You don’t have to go far or spend a lot for awe-inspiring places. I picked up a return flight to Morocco for a mere £80. For some its affordability and the ease

of getting to Morocco might suggest that the country lacks the charm or excitement than some far off destination but i was amazed to find both in abundance.

Indeed, It took only a matter of minutes (220 to be exact) to pop through the porthole between Europe and Africa but when I arrived, my senses were tricked into thinking I’d travelled miles. I started my journey in Marrakech: a noisy cavern of colour and spice. Like the rest of the country, Marrakech offers up platefuls of culture with its rich middle-eastern feel, hints of sub-Saharan Africa and smatterings of French. Ever more eager, I dove into its sultry medina and backalley riad’s, my curiosity greatly rewarded by mouth watering tagines, smouldering incense and a glimpse of its imperial past. Later, I escaped to find serenity beyond the capital city: I ventured to the precipices of the Atlas Mountains wandered aimlessly through Chefchauoen’s maze of genie-blue passages and slept nestled between the silent Erg Shiggaga sand dunes under a blanket of burning stars. It was such an inspirational place that I feel only something whimsical will suffice in describing it... I boarded my flight home rather reluctantly with soft grains of Saharan sands between my toes and the sweet scent of apple sheesh clinging to my clothes…

Simone Miche

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TRAVEL

SOCIETY TRIPS Fancy seeing the world this year? Quench takes you through the societies that offer you the chance to do it.

Morocco Hitch

I’m ashamed to say it, but I was drunk when I decided to hitch hike to Morocco for charity. I went to the meeting with a friend and after a few too many mojito’s our names were on the list and we’d handed over the £25 sign up fee!

I admit, I was sceptical about whether we’d get picked up at first but people were so generous when they heard that we were doing it for charity. Even a woman with a baby gave us a lift despite the connotations that hitch hiking sometimes has.

It turned out that she’d hitch hiked at our age and thought that our reasons for doing it were very amiable. In that respect it was quite a nostalgic experience. I got to do something which was popular years ago but is almost unheard of today. Of course, it wasn’t always a breeze. The biggest thrill is getting a lift after standing in the rain with your thumb in the air for three hours! But it was all so worth it. In France we got picked up by a guy who made us dinner

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and put us up for the night. We ended up drinking and laughing until the early hours of the morning! Its memories like these which make me want to do it all again!

Tors White

Ski Trip

Every year, members of the ski society don their ski boots and head for the slopes. Last January they went to Tignes in France, lessened the boredom of a ten hour coach journey with alcohol and a fair amount of nudity and took over two hotels for seven days to accommodate the 300 Students that signed up. This year they’re heading to Les Deux Alpes for even more skiing and snowboarding, jumping competitions, human curling and barbeques on the piste.

What makes the trip so popular is its flexibility; whilst there is room on the trip for avid skiers to rise early for the first lift and leave on the last and the opportunity for beginners to learn while they’re out there, the trip also caters for

those looking for a far less athletic adventure. Every day brings another night out on the town, so you can drink until the early hours of the morning and wake up late to eat an all-day breakfast and throw a snowball before heading out again.

Jenni Carr

Amsterdam

Several societies run trips to Amsterdam with ´outgoing` over the year and in February the business society took Amsterdam by storm for two nights only. With such a short space of time to explore hiring a bike is recommendable and you can be as cultural as you like by either taking in Van Gogh´s work, making a trip to the Sex Museum, Anne Frank´s House or monging out is a hash cafe. Price wise it’s hard to beat and you´ll return with memorable quotes (Gavvy, I'm BAKED!) An altered perception of the sex industry and an addiction to marijuana, but don't worry about it!

Adam Barr

ARTS Get arts savvy in Cardiff with this unique guide to some of the city’s galler­ ies, theatres and watering holes.

With cocktail stops and food venues en route let us inject the ‘Sex’ (no naughty business in public though please!) into Culture and the City and give Carrie Bradshaw something new to talk about... !"#$%&'#()'$#*+,$+)-,#*)-.,#./#0//1#&$# simple. So revel in the excitement of ex­ ploring your new home as we take you around Cardiff City Centre and the Bay. Kick start the day’s activities at Car­ diff Museum – also home to the National Gallery of Wales – and convene on the steps. Preferably around midday so you can pack lots in (this also gives you a small lay in if you have ventured out the night before).

The museum is in the heart of the Civ­ ic Centre and is an ideal location to take some ‘cultured’ photos to send back to the parents (more fool them ey?!).

Spend an hour tops in the Museum.

This is enough time to check out the main exhibition halls such as the French Impressionist Exhibition which happens to be the largest in the world outside of France (one of the few claims to fame we Welsh can make besides Anthony Hop­ kins and Ruth ‘what’s occurring’ Jones).

Or if your mates are being a pain and decide to check out the geology exhibi­ tion (yawn) pop to the café and order the carrot cake. You won’t be disappointed.

2/-3/#$%/#4+'/+4#-"5#67,,7.#$%/#87.# 76 #$)-6(*#&"$7#$%/#*/"$)/#1-''&"9#$%/#1-)0# on your right hand­side (watch out for ,7.:8;&"9#1&9/7"'<=# >)7''#$%/#)7-5#-$#$%/#$)-6(*#,&9%$'#-"5# head straight onto the New Theatre. Sign up for a re­act card inside or online and enjoy Tuesday­Thursday evening per­ formances for just £5. Whilst there grab a programme and head back later for a 7.30 showing (if you aren’t out getting blad­ dered of course).

Now you have two options… Option One: Attention shopaholics. Cross the road and walk into the city centre passed the Thistle Hotel. The high street is usu­ ally littered with street performers for a bit of live entertainment.

Head to the old Edwardian and Victo­ rian arcades on the far side of the city – near Mary Street – for a dose of culture -"5#'74/#76 #$%/#("/'$#'$+5/"$#6775#-?7+$=# The High Street Arcade boasts eateries such as the New York Deli and Garlands which offer 10% off for us bargain­hunt­ ing students.

So satisfy your hunger with a quick

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snack and have a nose in Hobos vintage fashion shop whilst you are there for some quirky buys.

Option Two: Attention alcoholics.

Turn right at the New Theatre and you .&,,#("5#;7+)'/,6 #&"#$%/#%+?#76 #$%/#5)&"0­ ing world. Feel free to drown your liver and bloat your belly with cocktails, beer, ?+)9/)'# @7)# '-,-5'# &6 # ;7+# -)/# -# ($"/''# freak) from anyone of the venues.

Fat Cats does particularly good cock­ tails and Tiger Tiger’s lunch menu is cheap and cheerful with prices starting at £4 for a chicken burger and chips. Hel­ lo expanding waist line.

After that’s done and dusted, let the food and drink digest a little and head to the Hilton. From here you will catch the Baycar, Just £2 for a return this swanky blue bendy bus will take you to Cardiff Bay: Europe’s largest waterfront develop­ ment. Bus arrives. Hop on and chill out.

Get off outside the Millennium Centre.

This is but one of the attractions at the bay to tempt your cultural needs.

Watch ballet, comedy, theatre… you name it and it has it…so use your initia­ tive and grab another programme to add to your collection.

Check out the website www.wmc. org.uk for more info and watch out for show reviews in forthcoming editions of Quench.

Take a wee breather and head to the Atlantic Wharf Leisure Village and pick a drinks venue.

Slightly more costly than the bargain bucket city centre so you might want to watch what you spend here. Think of it as a hydration stop as opposed to a bot­ tomless pit stop. Suss out the menu choices in some of the Bay side restau­ rants. These are potential venues to take parents when they visit. Make the most of their cash. You won’t have much by the end of term.

A6$/)# -# ,&$$,/# /B1,7)/# ;7+# "//5# $7# ("5# Bute Street.

This is where the crawl ends at our ("-,# 3/"+/CD+$/# E7."# F&'$7);# -"5# Arts Centre. A must visit arts centre for the upcoming year, read how I got along when I visited it over the page…

Once you’ve taken in as much culture as you can handle, catch the bus back, jump in the shower, girls doll yourself up and boys smack on the deodorant, then hit the town.

You are a fresher once so make the most of it!

ARTS

CARDIFF CULTURE CRAWL Arts take you on a comprehensive tour of the city

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ARTS

TEA, BISCUITS AND BANTER Katie Haylock shares a little afternoon tea with Dr. Glenn Jordan

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ARTS It is a very hot and extremely rare sunny July day. Donned in black work clothes and equipped with pen and paper I drive past Cardiff ’s infamous and uber modern Millen­ !"#$%&'!()'*%+%,"(%-%)'.%-(%(,'%()-/01%2"3,(4*% 5)'-(*%67%1-)%,-4%-")%18!."("8!"!3%9#(%+%-$% 4("22%4:'-("!3%;"!(4%<4'=7%-4%-2:-74>*%?8%$7% 2'/(%-)'%41-//82.%2-.'!%9#"2."!34@%92-1A%(-="4@% 4:-)$4%8/ %;'8;2'%-!.%-%?'418%B=()-*% C98D'% 4()'(1,'4% -% 92#'% 4A7@% ."D')4'% )88/ % lines and the odd cloud. Green. I drive and (#)!% )"3,(% "!(8% E#('% F()''(*% G"3,H)"4'% I-(4@% 281-2%-#(,8)"(7%,8#4"!3%-!.%4#9#)9-!%;-(,­ :-74% 03,(% -3-"!4(% 18992'.% 4()''(4@% 3)-!.H old Victorian houses and a rich Dockland ,"4(8)7% :,"1,% .-('4% 9-1A% (8% (,'% JKLL4*% ?,"4% "4!M(% 78#)% -D')-3'% ;2-1'*% ?,'% 9")(,;2-1'% 8/ % F,")2'7%E-44'7M4%D"D-1"8#4%D81-24@%+%:'218$'% 78#% (8% E#('% ?8:!*% E)"$$"!3% :"(,% ;'8;2'% /)8$%$8)'%(,-!%NL%18#!()"'4%:8)2.:".'%E#('% ?8:!%O%A!8:!%/-$8#427%-4%?"3')%E-7%O%"4%(,'% most ethnically diverse place west of Offa’s Dyke. And it isn’t somewhere to be missed.

Nestled in this microcosm of multiples; $#2("H1#2(#)-2@% $#(2"H-)1,"('1(#)-2@% $#2("H 481"-2%O%"4%(,'%EGC&%<E#('%?8:!%G"4(8)7%-!.% C)(4%&'!()'>*%?,'%.'4("!-("8!%8/ %$7%()";*%C/­ (')%'=;')"'!1"!3%48$'%."/01#2(7%;-)A"!3%$7% 1-)% <-;;-)'!(27% JL% PM1281A% 8!% -% Q'.!'4.-7% $8)!"!3%"4%(,'%)#4,%,8#)%"!%(,"4%-)'-%8/ %(,'% 1"(7>%+%:-2A%#;%(8%(,'%"$;)'44"D'%)'.H9)"1A'.% Victorian town house which accommodates (,'%1'!()'*%P)%48%+%(,8#3,(*% C% 0(% 9#"2.')% "!4()#1(4% $'% <"!% -% 4()8!3% Q'24,%-11'!(>%R78#M)'%"!%(,'%:)8!3%;2-1'%2#D@% it’s nex’ door.’ A little hot under the collar and with a face that resembles a beetroot I (,-!A%,"$%-!.%:-2A%8#(*%BD'!(#-227%+%281-('% (,'% )"3,(% .88):-7% -!.% '!(')*% +!4".'% -% (-22% -!.%"$;84"!3%03#)'%,-4%,"4%9-1A%(#)!'.%(8% $'*%G'%(#)!4%-)8#!.%-!.%3)''(4%$'%:"(,%-!% "!/'1("8#4% 4$"2'*% ?,"4% "4% S)*% 52'!!% T8).-!@% EGC&% &8HU8#!.')% -!.% S")'1(8)*% G'% 4,-A'4% my hand and welcomes me into the main re­ ception room. ?,'% 1'"2"!34% -)'% "!1)'."927% ,"3,*% +(% "4% quintessentially Victorian and I am touched by the profound sense of history inside. It 88V'4%(,)8#3,%'D')7%1)-1A*% R?,"4%1'!()'%8)"3"!-227%4(-)('.%-4%-!%C.#2(% 2'-)!"!3%1'!()'M%52'!!%"!/8)$4%$'%R9#(%!8:% we cover all areas from exhibitions to pub­ 2"4,"!3@% ;,8(83)-;,7% (8% -)(4% 'D'!(4@% 281-2% history to very personal history.’ ?,'%1'!()'%)'1'!(27%$8D'.%(8%!':%;)'$"4­ '4*% C2(,8#3,% "(% 4("22% D-3#'27% )'4'$92'4% -% 9#"2."!3%4"('%"(%"4%'-47%(8%'!D"4-3'%W#4(%,8:% "$;)'44"D'%"(%:"22%9'*%52'!!%'2-98)-('4%R(,')'% :"22% 9'% 4'D')-2% !':% 3-22')7X'D'!(4X'=,"9"­ ("8!% 4;-1'4% 4;)'-.% -1)844% (,'% (,)''% I88)4M*% Glenn hopes the new space will facilitate $8)'%'D'!(4%-(%(,'%EGC&%:"(,%(,'%-.."("8!% of food and drink. Always a bonus.

After a nose around the impressive build­

"!3% :'% 4"(% .8:!% "!4".'*% +% -$% 8//')'.% -% 1#;% of tea by Phyllis who is one of the Centre’s many dedicated volunteers. I decline on this 811-4"8!%9#(%52'!!%-11';(4%-%:8;;"!3%3)'-(% 9"3%$#3%-!.%!'-)27%(";4%"(%8D')%,"4%6-1*%Y,72­ 2"4%"4%-!%"!('3)-2%$'$9')%8/ %(,'%1'!()'%-!.% ('224%$'%(,-(%4,'%,-4%9''!%;#92"4,'.%<(,'%1'!­ ()'%,-4%;#92"4,'.%JZ%988A4%4"!1'%J[[\>*%Q"(,% (,-(%52'!!%3)-94%-%18;7%/)8$%(,'%988A4,'2/*%% R?,')'%78#%38*%+(M4%78#)4@%Y,722"4%:,7%.8!M(% 78#%4"3!%"(]M%G'%1,#1A2'4%R78#%1-!%4'22%(,-(%8!% B9-7%"!%-%/':%7'-)4%-!.%$-A'%48$'%;)80(*M%%% Y,722"4% 0!.4% (,"4% '^#-227% -$#4"!3% -!.% 4"3!4% (,'% 988A*% ?,"4% -1(% 8/ % 3'!')84"(7% )'­ -227%4#$4%#;%(,'%D"9'%"!4".'*%?,'%D82#!('')4% are part of the live­in history of the centre and Glenn believes it is precisely this which makes the centre so very different to any other cultural venues in Cardiff.

R?,'%D82#!('')4%9)"!3%281-2%A!8:2'.3'%9#(% -248% ,-D'% -#(,8)"(7*% ?,'7% !8(% 8!27% ,'2;% (8% A'';%(,"4%;2-1'%#;%-!.%)#!!"!3%9#(%"(%"4%8/('!% (,'")%:8)A%-!.%"!4"3,(%:,"1,%"4%(,'%9-4"4%/8)% $#1,%8/ %(,'%'=,"9"("8!%-!.%3-22')7%18!('!(*% ?,'")%".'-4%-)'%"!D-2#-92'*M%+%1-!%4''%(,"4*%+(% "4%-%,#9%8/ %"!(')-1("8!*%BD')78!'%,-4%-%D8"1'*% Glenn continues...

R?,'% '$;,-4"4% "4% 8!% ;)8.#1"!3% '=,"9"­ ("8!4% :,"1,% -)'% -11'44"92'% -!.% $'-!"!3/#2% (8%(,'%3'!')-2%;#92"1*%+%2"A'%(8%(-A'%;')48!-2% histories and themes which have a universal -;;'-2*% BD')78!'% 1-!% .)-:% 48$'(,"!3% ;')­ 48!-2% /)8$% -% ;,8(83)-;,% "/ % (,'7% 288A% ,-).% '!8#3,*M%% +%-.8)'%(,"4%4'!("$'!(*%52'!!%"4!M(%/)"3,(­ '!'.%(8%-11';(%(,-(%".'!("(7%"4%-%9"3%^#'4("8!% (,'4'% .-74*% RQ,8% -$% +]% Q,8% -)'% (,'7]M% G'% -4A4*% _4"!3% -% )-!3'% 8/ % $'."-% O% 82.H;,8(8­ 3)-;,4@%:'.."!3%1')("01-('4@%+S%1-).4@%$8.­ ')!%;,8(83)-;,7@%;8)()-"(#)'@%-)(%H%(,'%EGC&% explores questions of identity and makes them a lot less scary.

RY'8;2'% .81#$'!(4@% ;'8;2'% 4(8)"'4% -!.% people portraits: It is cultural politics with -%4$-22%R;M*%+.'!("(7%-!.%18$$#!"(7%-)'%"$­ ;8)(-!(%(8%#4%-4%(,'$'4*%`"A':"4'@%/-$"27@%!-­ ("8!%-!.%(,'%;82"("14%8/ %)';)'4'!(-("8!*%Q,8% -)'%:']M%% 52'!!% 18!12#.'4% R"(% "4% -98#(% $-A"!3% (,"!34%-11'44"92'%/8)%(,'%;#92"1%"!%!':%:-74*M% Q'%4;8A'%/8)%-(%2'-4(%(:8%,8#)4*%a8(%8!1'% did I feel unwelcome. Not once did I feel rushed. And when it was time to leave I .".!M(% :-!(% (8% 38% <(,'% -..'.% 98!#4% :-4% (,'% 8//')% 8/ % 6-)A4% -!.% F;'!1')% 1,8182-('% 9"4­ 1#"(4b%(,'%(7;'%:"(,%(,'%;"1(#)'%8!>*%52'!!%"4% one of the most compassionate and refresh­ "!327%,#$8)8#4%;'8;2'%+%,-D'%'D')%$'(*%?,'% EGC&% 12'-)27% $'-!4% (,'% :8)2.% (8% ,"$% -!.% (,'%D82#!('')4*%+(%"4%2"D"!3%1#2(#)'%/8)%(,'%cJ4(% century and is a must visit Cardiff arts ven­ ue packed full of friendly faces and intimate A!8:2'.3'%(,-(%8!27%281-2%9288.%1-!%;)8D".'*%% arts@gairrhydd.com

53

Nick Clegg's morning routine

“I

am Nick Clegg,” said Nicholas, as he gazed into the mirror in a defiant manner. “I am a valid political figure.” Nicholas was embarking on his usual morning routine, as he seeked to reassure himself of his political standing. “I am Nick Clegg,” he continued, “I am a valid political figure.” This was the normal routine in which Nicholas started his day, ever since he realised that, as the leader of the Liberal Democrats, he would probably never actually get to be PM. Not the real one at least. “I am Nick Clegg,” he said, for the third and final time, “I am a valid political figure.”

Nicholas, Nick to his peers and blog follower, was currently going through a self-motivational exercise, recommended to him by his psychiatrist, Dr Stevens. He had originally visited Dr Stevens in 2007, just several weeks after assuming office as leader of the Liberal Democrats. He had, initially, been on quite a buzz – what with his promotion and all. But he was brought back down to earth with a bump, upon realising that there was no chance the Liberal Democrats would win anything. Ever.

He was in a particularly dark place having watched Mock the Week the previous night, on which one of the contestants referred to beating the Lib Dems in a general election as akin to 'jumping higher than Stephen Hawking'.

Below the surface of the man that is day-in, day-out, ‘rocking that shit’ (in his own words), lay poor little Nicky; still unable to validate himself as a politician or, indeed, a man. As he flicked through his copy of the Guardian (the only newspaper worth reading, in Nicholas’s view), under his

If you're an invalidate political figure, clap your hands breath, he cursed David Cameron, and even felt a small amount of jealousy towards Gordon Brown – at least he got to be the real PM for a bit. Placing the copy of the Guardian carefully in the bin, Nick flicked on the radio. He wasn’t sure which station he was tuned into, however they were currently playing ‘Nothing Compares to You’. “I’ve got a lot of time for Sinead O’Connor,” thought Nicholas. “A lot of time indeed.”

Despite being far from confident, Nicholas was in a better place than he had been in previous years. He had, in fact, attempted to end his life on one occasion by swallowing a whole bottle of pills at the 2008 Liberal Democrat Party Conference. The maid, upon passing his hotel room, grew worried as she heard Mr Clegg singing the same three lines of Natalie Imbruglia’s “Torn” over and over in a slurred manner. Upon letting herself in, she found poor Nicolas, slumped over a copy of the Telegraph, from which he had cut David Cameron’s head out of every picture in which he featured. She quickly called an

ambulance, who pumped his stomach. As it turned out, he hadn’t overdosed on medication, he had actually mistakenly swallowed an entire box of Tic-Tacs.

As Nicholas left the house, he was in a particularly rebellious mood. He had worn a blue tie today – despite the Lib Dems preference of yellow (Nicholas played by nobody’s rules, so he often wore blue, or occasionally even red). He had also parted his hair on the opposite side of his head – the variety always cheered Nick up.

Walking to work, a rather overweight, middle-aged man in a suit bumped into him. The fat man didn’t apologise. “Do you know who I am?” asked Nicholas. His annoyance was evident.

After a pause, the fat man replied: “Were you on Ready Steady Cook Me last night?” Nick was shocked; the fat man didn’t wait for a response, and carried on down the street.

“I am Nick Clegg,” Nicholas muttered, with a quivering lip and a lump in his throat. “I am a valid, political figure.”

55

quench@gairrhydd.com

30 /travel@gairrhydd.com