The Birds, The Bees, and Bisexuality

words and design by: Elly Savva

This feature is based mostly on my own experience but also uses quotes and anecdotes from three interviewees: Luke (He/They, 21, Cardiff), Beth (She/Her, 23, Bristol), and Jonny (He/Him, 21, Manchester).

Tipping my wine glass back, I prayed that the finaldregs of alcohol would fillme with the courage to say the words I’d been practicing all day. I’d met with my Dad for dinner and knew it was only a matter of time before the “have you got a boyfriend” questions would start - less than 30 minutes this time. I hadn’t come out to him yet, but I was seeing a girl. I was happy, and I didn’t want to hide it anymore.

I managed to stumble over my words and explained that there wasn’t a boy, but a girl. He told me that he just wanted me to be happy and it didn’t matter who I was dating. One of the things he said that stuck with me the most is “being gay doesn’t mean your life has to be hard anymore”. He reassured me that I could live my life however I wanted to lead it. But I’m not gay. I’m not halfgay or half-straight either, I’m bisexual. There is some confusion about what bisexuality means, even from inside the LGBT+ community. Bisexuality is definedas an umbrella term used to describe the attraction to two or more genders. While I prefer the label of bisexual, others who are attracted to all genders may identify as pansexual, which describes the attraction regardless of gender.

When we discussed the labels of bisexuality and pansexuality, Luke explained to me that although they would date somebody from any gender, the bisexual label resonates more because the way they feel attraction differs depending on gender. He explained - “I don’t prefer one over the other, or any other genders, but it’s a different sort of attraction.”

For Beth, the recognition of her bisexuality is important. Despite being openly bi for years, she told me she’d faced questions about why she didn’t call herself queer or pansexual instead, as some friends suggested that this made her anti-trans. She explained that to her, “being bisexual means I would date any gender as well as the opposite sex, it’s encompassing everything”, so she was frustrated that others tried to push their misunderstandings onto her sexuality. Being bisexual can be hard. If you’re bi, you’re more likely to deal with depression or substance issues and experience intimate partner violence. While some people suggest that being bi means you have it ‘easier’, research carried out by Stonewall found that bisexual people experienced higher levels of prejudice than those who are lesbian or gay. On top of this, many also reported experienced rejection from other members of the LGBT+ community who they turned to for support. Not ‘gay enough’ for the LGBT+ community and not ‘straight enough’ for heterosexual society, being bisexual can leave you completely isolated.

As well has having to deal with homophobia, bisexuals have to deal with biphobia. Biphobia can be defined as the fear, hatred, or intolerance of bisexual people, which presents in a multitude of ways. What makes it stand out is that it comes from two directions, both from straight people and those within the LGBT+ community. Biphobia is often masked behind playful comments or jokes rooted in negative stereotypes surrounding bisexual people as promiscuous and greedy. It isn’t overt or aggressive, but the slow and subtle breakdown of your sexuality has a lasting effect. Depending on your gender, biphobia appears differently. Beth told me about a time when she bumped into somebody from school while with her girlfriend, who later messaged saying “I just always got the vibe from you that it was more of a sexual preference rather than relationship stuff”. The person that sent the message wasn’t somebody Beth knew well, one of the only times they’d spoken before was when this person asked her whether she’d have a threesome with them. This reflects the way that for bi women, biphobia manifests as both objectification and invalidation. While your preferences are sexualised, your emotions are invalidated. . While bi men experience less sexualisation, the stigma and invalidation remains the same. Jonny explained that while he initially came out as gay, he now identifies as bi/ pan, but his experience of hearing biphobic comments prevented him from coming out for a long time. We spoke about how women going from straight to bi are seen as doing it ‘for attention’, whereas men going from gay to bi are seen as inauthentic. He suggested - “It seems to be that no matter what gender you are, it’s a case of you have to be ‘pure’... but you don’t have to know? It’s not like that. It can be fluid, it changes. It’s not black and white, it’s a spectrum.”

It is true that the most aggressive forms of discrimination you face as a bi person will be rooted in homophobia. However, overt aggression can be easier to fight. When a stranger shouted at me and my girlfriend last summer for holding hands as we walked down the street, it was easy to turn to others for support. Nobody empathised with them, I never felt alone, and it never made me doubt myself. It’s not a moment I hold onto, I can’t remember the sound of his voice or the sight of his face. On the other hand, I don’t know if I’ll ever shake the sinking feeling I felt aged 15 when someone asked me whether I “still thought I was bi” in a room full of people and burst into laughter. It was the first person I’d decided to come out to and I thought they would understand. I still remember the tone of their voice and the sound of their laugh, and I can still feel the shame in my stomach. It made me think that hiding this part of myself would make my life easier than being open about it. Masking my sexuality for years left me insecure, confused, and isolated. It made me doubt who I was and I never knew who I could turn to for comfort. I thought I wasn’t allowed to be bi, so I pretended to be straight. Sadly this is a fairly common experience for bisexuals, with research suggesting that bisexual people are much less likely to be out than their gay and lesbian counterparts. Despite the difficulties that come with being bi, it also comes with a million possibilities. I love not ‘picking a side’ and conforming to stereotypes, and I’m so happy that I could meet anybody and fall in love and their gender wouldn’t matter. I couldn’t imagine wanting to change it, even if I could. As Luke put it, “I love the fact I could walk into a nightclub and I could kiss someone and I wouldn’t have to think about their gender, I could be kissing somebody who’s pretty and that’s all that matters.”

For support with your sexuality, LGBT Switchboard is an LGBT+ helpline that can offer calm words when you need them most. For con idential conversations, you can call 0300 330 0630 (10am-10pm daily).