gair rhydd - Issue 752

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In-depth gair rhydd unearths the truth behind Rohypnol in Cardiff

Investigations p.7

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

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CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

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ISSUE 752. December 1 2003

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Issue 6 - Dece mber 1 2003

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Third city centre knife attack in a week Female victim robbed in Bute Park in broad daylight

By Peter Bramwell News Editor A FEMALE CARDIFF University student was robbed at knifepoint last week while enjoying a cycle ride in Bute Park. And fears are growing for safety in the city centre, as the incident comes as the third known knife-related attack in the

Winter Wonderland Turn to page 3 for a rundown on this year’s festive fun at the civic centre

PHOTO: Gemma Griffiths

as if I was walking home at night last week. Only last issue, gair rhydd or in a vulnerable position. "You always hear ‘don’t walk reported on a student who was threatened with a knife in the back to Talybont through the park’, and ‘don’t go along the city centre on Sunday morning. This week’s incident, however, Taff Trail’, but it was right by occurred in broad daylight at town at nine in the morning, it around 9am on Saturday morn- was really light and there were ing in Sophia Gardens, close to other people around. "I just feel really nervous now Cardiff Castle. The victim, who wishes to be because there was nothing I left unnamed, was cycling in could have done to prevent it. It Sophia Gardens when a man was just opportunistic but it has walked up to her asking for the been really horrible." Her description of the robber time. She told gair rhydd, "Park was of a white male aged 25-30, Place gym was closed until 10am around 5’5", wearing a black hat and with a very pale so I thought I would just complexion. go for a cycle ride in The incident Bute Park around the occurred less than castle. an hour after a "As I went jeweller was round a corner, robbed by knifeabout 50 yards point in a similar from the main place along the entrance to Sophia Taff Trail. The robGardens on Castle ber also asked for Street, a guy came up the time before pulling to me and asked me for out a knife f itting a simthe time. So I stopped, and ilar description. as I turned around he PHOTO: Kirtsy The victim, who lives pulled a knife on me. "It was a kitchen knife Monaghan in Caerphilly, handed over his wallet and disabout six inches long so I screamed. He said, ‘I’m not tinctive gold and black wristgoing to hurt you if you give me watch before the robber rode off on a bike. your bike and your bag.’ Police found two men in "He said, ‘If you tell anybody or go and get help my friend is town on Sunday, each f itting watching you and he’ll come and the different descriptions given by the student and businessget you.’ After the assailant cycled off man. Two men have reportedly with the stolen bike, the victim found help from people in the been charged with offences of park who then phoned the police. possession of a weapon and There was nothing of any sig- possession of drugs, but no one has of yet been charged with the nificant value in the bag. The victim added, "It wasn’t robberies.

News

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At

a glance

News Investigations Editorial & Comment Political Debate Letters Listings Jobs & Money Taf Od Media Competitions TV Listings Comedy Problem Page Five Minute Fun Sport

HEATH HIT AND RUN ROAD RAGE ATTACKER JAILED

1 7 8 9 10 12 14 16 18 21 23 33 35 37

By Katy Starke Reporter

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, Anna Hodgekiss, John Collingridge POLITICS Andrew Caldicott EDITORIAL & OPINION Rhys James SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, David Williams LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop LETTERS James Anthony GRAB! Leigh Debbage TAF-OD Ryhs Iorwarth, Dewi Llyr, Angharad George JOBS & MONEY Nicola York MEDIA Gary Andrews FIVE MINUTE FUN Janine Jones COMEDY PROBLEM PAGE Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund CONTRIBUTORS

Kirsty Monaghan, Rhiannon Spellman, Katy Starke, Alison White, Sarah Mattey, Gemma Griffiths, Fariba Dashtgard, Claire Woods, Jake Roseman, Jack Brimilcombe, Edward Walker, Adam Douglas, AJ Silvers, Caroline Farwell, Jenna Wilcox, Perri Lewis, Alex Dove, Steph Eagleton, Nicola York, Cai Jones, Ioan Owen, Will Dean, Charlotte Spratt, Suzanne Carter, Daniel Evans, John Stanton, Ben Wright, John Tuscany, Gary Rees, Alex Parks, Tom Brown, Charlotte Cloke, Sophie Armstrong, James Taylor

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 08451 300667 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

THE HEATH: Scene of the incident

Photos: Kirsty Monaghan

Cardiff student knocked off bike by motorist who failed to stop By Rhiannon Spellman Reporter A SECOND YEAR Cardiff student was the victim of a terrifying hit and run attack last week outside The Heath pub. Sarah Turner, 19, was cycling home from the Heath hospital on Sunday November 9 at 8.30pm, when a car coming from the opposite direction cut across the Brewsters pub junction on Allensbank road and hit her as it turned right. She was flung onto the bonnet of the car with her bike, landing on the edge of the road. On the floor, she turned to see the car speed off, recognising it as a

new black hatchback. Unfortunately nobody else saw the accident, so the car managed to escape unnoticed. As she lay in the road, a man got out of his car to help her. She said, "I was in a lot of pain

and couldn’t move my leg. I thought the worst." Passers-by also arrived on the scene and a plastic sheet was

fetched from the Brewsters pub and used as a cover from the rain. Police then arrived and were shortly followed by an ambulance. A quick statement was taken before the student was driven to hospital. The main injury sustained was soft tissue damage to the inside of the knee. For Sarah this was an extremely frightening experience. She added, "The fact that the car drove off made the whole experience a lot worse." Her leg has improved since the incident and she can now walk. She is seeing a doctor for treatment. "I have not faced riding a bike again since. Sadly nobody has handed themselves in to the police since the incident."

A CARDIFF PhD student was victim of a vicious road rage attack that resulted in prosecution. The court heard that Gareth Nicholls, 33, left his vehicle to punch Mohammed Bahaswan to the ground while his children watched on. The attack took place last May near Nicholls’ home in Pentwyn, Cardiff, and left Mohammed with a loosened tooth and a cut and swollen face. At his trial in October, Nicholls who claims he acted in self-defence – told the jury, "I stopped just to speak to him because he was driving like an idiot." They also heard how the defendant “saw red” because Mohammed kept slowing down to look for a place to collect his children. He was found guilty and sentenced to six months in jail. The judge leading the trial said that the victim may not have been seriously hurt but he had been badly shaken up by a distressing experience. She said, "This was gratuitous violence out of all proportion." The attack is part of a road rage phenomenon that has swept Britain in recent years. A police spokesperson said, "We do get a lot of road rage incidents but driving standards today compared to 15 years ago have dropped considerably." But, we are warned: "Road rage has become a pet word in the press. Mainly, there is an exchange of cross words. We don’t see a great deal as serious as this."

Queen’s speech addresses top-up fees By Alison White Reporter THE QUEEN’S speech last Wednesday indicated universities will be allowed to charge up to £3,000 a year in tuition fees. But Tony Blair has been warned by his closest allies that the hated top-up fees plans are close to defeat. The Express has reported that the introduction of top-up fees has been opposed by 84 per cent of voters

and that 120 Labour MPs have signed a Commons Motion which warns that top-up fees will harm families on "modest or lower middle incomes". A recent survey by the BBC revealed that almost all universities want to charge students the maximum tuition fee. They report that nine out of 10 have already decided or are considering the increased charges. It is also claimed that half feel the limit should be raised to £7,000 a year.

Heads of top UK universities have urged the government not to back down on tuition fees. Vice-chancellors of Oxford, Cambridge and three top London universities penned a letter to The Times claiming more money is needed to avoid a financial crisis. The elite universities fear without higher fees their global reputations may slide and they will fall behind their US rivals. The letter said "The government’s proposals for a new approach to student fees, which will be

repayable only after graduation, are right in principle" Cardiff University has not published a position statement on topup fees. Debra Freemantle of External Relations stated, "It is only once the education bill has passed through the House of Commons that an independent commission, set up by the Welsh Assembly, will examine the impact of the policy in England and then report on the possible introduction of top-up fees in Wales."

News

December 1 2003

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PRIDE OF CARDIFF Winter Wonderland 2003 By Peter Bramwell News Editor CARDIFF IS celebrating Christmas in style for a third year running with its dazzling Winter Wonderland. Revellers will be coming from all over South Wales during this year’s festive season to visit the city’s top winter attraction. Centrepiece to the operation is an open-air ice rink constructed on the lawns outside City Hall - just a few minutes walk away from Cardiff University Students’ Union. Other crowd-pullers will include live bands, a giant ferris wheel, icesculptures, a festive bar and giant seasonal characters. In its f irst year alone, the attraction brought in 30,000 skaters and over 100,000 visitors - to the delight of the City Council. Winter Wonderland is open now and will be operating until January 11. For information on booking tickets, entertainment and prices, visit the Winter Wonderland website, www.cardiff.gov.uk/marketing/ww 2003.

PHOTOS: Gemma Griffiths

Council hope for third year of success

Concern growing at increasing violence in Students’ Union By Sarah Mattey Reporter FEARS HAVE been growing recently over the number of violent altercations occurring during some of the big nights in the Union’s Solus nightclub. gair rhydd has been investigating claims that certain students attending the big draw nights such as Rubber Duck and Comeplay, have been suffering at the hands of the discipline dished out by door staff. This follows reports from some students that certain door staff have been somewhat heavy-handed in their marshalling of those either in the queue for the cloakroom or

leaving the venue at the end of the night. Regular visitors to the union on the more popular nights have probably not failed to notice that the manner of the door staff patrolling the reception area of Solus could be described at best as brusque, at worst rude and confrontational. One common complaint is the manner in which females in particular are finding themselves treated while waiting in the queue for the cloakroom. Speaking of a recent visit to Comeplay, one female student said , "There seems to be an awful lot of pushing, shoving and shouting. Instead of being blared at and sometimes manhandled by some of

those bouncers, a quieter ‘can you go this way, please’ would probably work wonders by not getting people’s backs up." But officials at the union have been quick to refute these claims, stating that Solus is a much safer venue in comparison to clubs of a similar capacity in the city centre, with subsequently lower levels of violence and serious assault. Latest official figures available from the Students’ Union show there were two minor assaults during October. And after speaking to Larry King, Head of Security, it appears that extending the union licence to 2am has not in itself been problematic in the perceived hike in the

number of fights and confrontations down the union. He highlighted, "In the last 20 years I have been in the job, fights and arguments among students, usually fuelled by alcohol, are no more common than they have ever been." But he did point out that intentional damage to the fixtures and fittings of Solus has escalated in the last 18 months. Interestingly, when questioned about the nature of student misbehaviour in Solus, Mr King commented that incidents involving students were not gender specif ic, adding that, contrary to popular belief, it is in fact the girls who are currently proving to be testing the

door staff ’s patience. That given, it would appear that students of both sexes are not entirely blameless for altercations between themselves and door staff.

“Instead of being manhandled by bouncers, a quiet ‘go this way would work wonders” Female Cardiff student

News

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Cardiff lecturer will be missed

NEWS IN

BRIEF

It was with great sadness that Cardiff University announced the loss of one of its greatest last Friday. Senior lecturer Geoff Mungham of the School of Journalism passed away in his sleep aged 57 while teaching European MA students in Holland. Mr Mungham’s many hats included former Cardiff city councillor, and earlier this year he was Labour's National Assembly candidate for Cardiff Central. He was a lecturer at Cardiff University for over 20 years and recently created and launched the International Journalism Masters Programme.

S4C needs you WELSH SPEAKING gay people are needed for an S4C production on the Sydney Lesbian and Gay Mardi Gras. The six chosen candidates will be taken to Sydney during February and March 2004 and filmed living in the city for four weeks. All flights will be paid for weekly living allowance will also be provided. For more information call Dwynwen on 02920 251811.

Dollar day DON’T FORGET that this Tuesday December 2 is the Save the Children Dollar Challenge. The dollar challenge involves living on a food budget of 66p this Tuesday and then donating the money you would have spent to the charity. Student members of Save the Children will be on the second floor of the Students’ Union waiting to collect your money between 10am to 5pm.

MAN O MAN A ‘MAN O Man’ competition will be taking over Talybont and University Hall this week to raise money for Save the Children. After eight knock-out rounds, the final contestants will be crowned Mr or Miss Talybont or Uni Hall 2003. A host of other prizes are also on offer and admission is free. To enter, sign up at 7pm on the night. Talybont - Tue Dec 2, 8pm. Uni Hall bar – Thur Dec 4, 8pm.

Geoff Mungham

HELEN WILKES: asking passers-by to pop her bubble

Student bursts shoppers’ bubble By Kirsty Monaghan Reporter ON A SOGGY cold Wednesday afternoon a brave UWIC student stood on Queen Street in Cardiff and asked passers-by to pop her

Quotes of the Week “When you are blonde, people have low expectations of you” Pamela Anderson: on herself. Newsdesk wonders why...

“When Conservative MPs do a week living on the dole with a camera crew following them, it doesn’t count. Where’s the degradation? Where’s the fear that this is the rest of your life and it never ends?” Ricky Gervais: on Michael Portillo’s TV appearance as a single mother on benefits.

Photo: Kirsty Monaghan

bubble wrap dress. Helen Wilkes, a first year performance arts student sported only bubble wrap, a tiny skin coloured thong (and yes, the bubble wrap was transparent enough to notice) and trainers. The purpose of the venture was to visualise the notion of "people living

in their own bubble and what would be the consequences if it were to pop". Helen asked curious passers-by to ‘pop her bubbles’ while being filmed by fellow students. It appeared that poor Helen got the raw end of the deal in this class project!

His teaching and his personality touched so many throughout his life and people from all over the world have expressed sincere grief at his passing. "In Geoff I have lost a great friend, professional colleague, my namesake and mentor who initiated me into the academic world,” said former student Geoffry Kulubya from Uganda. David Clensy, of the Hull Daily Mail, said, "Geoff brought journalism to life. He positively seethed journalistic integrity and experience, and was a great inspiration to us all.” He will be greatly missed by many. Funeral arrangements are set to take place this week. Fariba Dashtgard is a student on the International Journalism course. She writes this piece in tribute to a great man whom she will never forget.

STUDENT REGRETS By Fariba Dashtgard Reporter A RECENT survey has revealed over half of students in the UK believe they made the wrong choice of GCSEs and A-levels. According to the survey, conducted by ExamAid and the Association of Colleges (AoC), over nine percent of the 2,700 students polled said, that if given the choice, they would change all or most of their subjects. If these findings were replicated nationally, it would suggest that as many as 200,000 15 to 19 year-old students regret studying at least one of their chosen subjects at A-level. Gemma Griffin, a first year student at Cardiff University, echoes the sentiments reflected in the polls,

saying, "I remember there being a huge gap in communication between the A-level examination board and the schools. “My friends at my sixth form had chosen media studies as one of their three choices, but when it was cancelled in the middle of the year, they were left with only two making it that much harder to get into a decent university.” More than a quarter of the respondents appeared to have real problems coping during A-levels, or had discovered that their courses were much harder than expected. And over half had doubts that their chosen courses would "definitely" help them to achieve their career ambitions. Bruce Harris of ExamAid, an education charity said, "This study

shows that most students are taken by surprise by the amount and level of difficulty of the work they face. Some of them may be so deterred that they never recover sufficiently to achieve their full potential." But not so deterred that hanging out with friends is not still a priority. Over 60 per cent of respondents answered that their social lives were more important than their studies. England’s record in persuading young people to stay on at school after the age of 16 is one of the worst in the industrialised world. Nearly twice as many boys as girls said they would put part-time jobs ahead of good marks and as much as 20 per cent said they would consider dropping out because of personality clashes with their teachers.

News

December 1 2003

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ESSAYS FOR CASH By Claire Woods Reporter A WEB SITE is now offering customised, unpublished 2.1 and 1st class essays to students. They are 100 per cent undetectable by plagiarism scanners and have reportedly supplied essays for Cardiff students. Ukessays.com offers students previously unpublished essays and dissertations custom written to their exact question, at guaranteed 2.1 or 1st standard. This is different to other data banks of essays on the Internet, as essays are unpublished, never available on the Internet or given to another customer for at least three years. And it allows students to claim essays provided from the web site are their own work, violating strict plagiarism rules. Director of Academic Answers Limited who runs Ukessays.com as part of the company Degree Essays UK, Barclay Littlewood, said, "Degree Essays UK will not supply essays to anyone for any other purpose other than as a research aid." She added, "Reading a copyrighted piece of work, such as a book or journal is of course not cheating, the

only difference here is that the work is commissioned by a private client. Handing them in would of course be cheating." The essay service relies on the honesty of students to only use essays provided by Degree Essays UK as a research tool. Angie Williams, a lecturer of Language and Communication, at Cardiff University said, "I purposefully give students assignments which involve their own research and data collection, so it’s not easy or tempting to download and copy material from the internet." And they certainly don’t come cheap either. The standard delivery rate for 500 words costs £35, or £210 for a 3,000 word assignment. A next day delivery would cost £420. The company also supplies essays for master degrees, literature reviews and dissertations across a range of prices The highest charge is for a next day delivery on a master proposal costing £140 for 500 words. This indicates that poorer students will be penalised if more students take advantage of the service. Third year English Literature student Rebecca Sulley said, "It’s a blatant cheat method. Researching is part and parcel of any degree.

Ukessays.com are kidding themselves calling the essays research tools, I don’t know any students that could afford to spend over £210 on researching, when the library is free." But Ms Littlewood states, "We

day across all web sites and has 1,400 researchers to meet students’ applications. They are planning to promote themselves at universities around the country, armed with a quarter of a million flyers. UK Degree Essays believe they

HUMANITIES LIBRARY: the safer way to study have supplied customers from all universities across the UK, including many at Cardiff, Edinburgh, Durham, Oxford and Cambridge." The company receives 1,500 hits a

are helping out students who are less skilled in academic writing. Ms Littlewood said, "Essay writing is placed heavily on a candidate’s academic ability and not on many other

characteristics they may excel in. This is especially poignant considering the amount of foreign students with a below par grasp of written English that the universities take on. "When candidates leave university they find their actual degree proves completely useless to 90 per cent of employers." And she also maintains they are helping the graduate job market."We are providing the UK with good essay writers, devoid of many skills that they should be taught at university." A spokeswoman for Cardiff University said, "The university takes the issue of plagiarism very seriously and would advise all students to ensure that anything submitted for assessment is entirely their own work. “Students who are suspected of handing in work from such 'cheat' websites will be reported as having committed an alleged unfair practice. “The penalties for proven cases of unfair practice can be severe, including the cancellation of marks and the disqualification of students from future examinations. “Students who have any doubts as to the nature of plagiarism or how to avoid it should discuss the matter with their personal tutor.”

World Aids Day Global Village success DECEMBER 1 By Jack Brimilcombe Reporter

By Jake Roseman People and Planet Today people will be uniting both locally and globally, to show their support of campaigns dedicated to tackling the different issues surrounding HIV/AIDS. Under the slogan ‘Do You Have Time?’, the 2003 World AIDS day campaign emphasises the difference that giving a small amount oåf time can make on both a social and a political level. Taking five minutes to decipher the facts from the myths surrounding the HIV virus could help alleviate the social stigma of AIDS on a global level. HIV positive and AIDS. The words alone are enough to bring about a whole host of emotions, anxiety, paranoia, pity and fear. Every minute five more people are dying of the disease and we don’t know the best way of helping them. Should we drop the debt to give the developing world more money to spend on fighting the virus? Or educate on protection and prevention? Should we help those forced into prostitution to better protect themselves? Or try and understand the disease

better ourselves in order that the climate of stigma and fear be removed all over the world? Yet it is precisely this feeling of uselessness and bombardment that the annual World AIDS day takes steps to resolve If you would like to become more involved in the fight against HIV/AIDS, then come to the World AIDS Day stall in the Union. Additionally, wear red, bring something to make noise with and join in with People and Planet’s big visual action to promote awareness of the political issues surrounding HIV/AIDs which starts at 11:30 outside the union steps. (LK)

WORLD AIDS DAY RIBBON

THIS YEAR’S Global Village produced a superb turnout of students to celebrate the diverse range of cultures represented at Cardiff University. Now in its fourth year, Global Village took place on Sunday November 16th in the Great Hall of the Students’ Union. Visitors were greeted by 39 stalls, each one packed with free food and drinks from around the globe. The evening kicked off with the traditional rush of people attempting to sample as much of the free offerings as they could before the stalls inevitably ran out. Those eager to sample a wide range of new food were in for a real treat as many types of cuisine were covered including Jordanian, Spanish, East African and even Vegan to name but a few. Guests then turned their attention to a glamorous fashion show taking place on the stage at the front of the hall. The show, organised expertly by Marissa Joven and Nadia Graham from AIESEC society, produced one of the many highlights of the evening. The thrills did not end there for the 952 guests of Global Village - a capacity turnout - who were then treated to a well-choreographed Dance Competition. On show were the considerable talents of represen-

Dancers set Global Village alight tatives of Sri Lanka, Nigeria, Portugal, East Africa, AfroCaribbean and Kranti. The competition was won by the Afro-Caribbean Society. And coordinator Joao Martins was quick to point out the role the audience had in the performances on stage. "The dancers were fantastic but the real stars were the audience. The atmosphere they generated was superb, it really inspired the performers,” he said. Winners of the Best Stall Award went to the Japanese Society . Equal Opportunities and Welfare

Officer Natasha Hettihewa, the chief organiser of the event, was understandably delighted with the night. "It was fantastic to see so many people from different cultures mixing together. It made all the hard work worthwhile. After this success we are considering running a similar event next semester." She continued, "I would like to thank all the volunteers who helped with the organisation and AIESEC. I couldn’t have done it with out them." After a vote by the guests to the event it was decided funds raised would be donated to the Red Cross.

Investigations

December 1 2003

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The real price of date rape After last week’s news coverage, gair rhydd investigations looks at the growing problem of date rape By Edward Walker Investigations Editor

R

arely does such a simple act of neglect lead to such dire consequences. "The room just seemed to be spinning," said Jenny, a third year Cardiff University student. "I couldn’t think straight, nor explain to my friends what was going on, I’d only had one drink and felt completely out of it.” This is the last thing Jenny remembered of the night. Luckily in Jenny’s case her friends realised there was something wrong and helped her home. Unfortunately many others are not so lucky, with recent statistics showing one woman in Wales is dateraped every week. And the problem is apparently getting worse, with numbers up 23% on last year. One of the major concerns of this increasingly frequent crime is the apparent ease at which it is committed and the difficulty found in proving and detecting exactly what has happened. There are a wide variety of drugs used in connection with such crimes, the most common of which being Rohypnol and GHB. The drug, which is from the same family as Valium, has a number of wide ranging effects and properties making it ideal for date rape. Firstly, the drug is colourless and odourless, which allows it to easily be placed in people’s drinks without detection. Secondly, it is quick acting, causing sedation within approximately 15 minutes. Finally, its effects last up to eight hours and often lead to complete memory loss whilst under the influence of the drug. Possibly the most concerning aspect of the drug is its easy availa b i l i t y. Although the substance is only officially available in this country through prescription it can be obtained without one. Simple internet searches reveal it is easily tracked down, with Mexican and other foreign pharmaceutical companies willing to supply the drug for a low price. The websites in question offer bulk buying discounts, and money back guarantees. A factor of

A typical website selling Rohypnol major concern of the companies is their promise that "no prescription is necessary", no matter what the drug. The obvious result of this ease of purchase is the dangerous situation where anyone with web access can buy the drug. Several male students have recently alleged being offered the drug in nightclubs, being sold alongside illegal recreational drugs such as speed and ecstasy. gair rhydd decided to investigate these claims to see if there really is a problem in Cardiff. It was decided the best way to track down these drugs was by posing as students on an every day night out. The drugs were not readily available, many people were asked and many suspicious glances returned. Despite this, there was one guy offering an assortment of drugs in the gents toilets of Creation. Mr Dealer offered only Es and ‘mitsis’ originally, but when asked as to what else he could get hold of he gave a quick list of drugs, which included Rohypnol; though we would have had to wait, the price was an easily affordable seven pounds. The offer was declined and we went searching again, this

time to no avail. Despite the apparent lack of drugs it is a worrying finding of this investigation that Rohypnol is available on the streets for anyone willing to look for it. Although many nightclubs in

“It is a worrying finding of this investigation that Rohypnol is available on the streets for anyone willing to look for it” Cardiff try to stop drug use, dealers are still able to supply potential drug users. Deputy manager Leanne Goodard of Creation said "we take a very hard line on drugs and always try to remain vigilant". She went on to explain how "random searches are carried out and sniffer dogs are occasionally on the door." When asked of allegations that the drugs had been made available to us in Creation, the deputy manager responded: "Any incidents of drug dealing should be reported immediately so the accused can be detained until the police arrive, and action can be taken against them.” The threat is clearly very real and with an increase in the crime on a national level the government has responded. One of the major drugs

“The room just started spinning” used in date rape GHB or "liquid ecstasy" has been criminalised with possession resulting in a two-year prison sentence, and dealers facing up to five years in prison. Those found with nonprescription Rohypnol will receive a similar punishment. Despite these important steps by the government it is of some concern that they were only taken in June 2003, and an indication of the difficulty the government and the police have in keeping up with the globalisation of illegal drugs and the danger this entails for the public. Graham Rhodes chairman of the Roofies (the street name for Rohypnol) Foundation claims the criminals are "staying one step ahead of the law" and that by "the time politicians get round to banning a drug the date rapists have changed to a different one.” Students are particularly vulnerable to the problem due to the above average number of times we venture into town and the copious volumes of alcohol we consume. PC Bob Keohane, community police officer for Cathays, was keen to point out that although

there has been an increase across the country, "the Cardiff area has not experienced a rise in incidents - if anything a decline from three or four years ago." PC Bob also pointed out that many who "thought they had had their drink spiked had in fact simply drank too much alcohol" as was revealed by forensic tests. However he insisted that "every case will be taken seriously" and urged anyone who suspects they may have been affected to "seek urgent medical attention, for their own sake and to gather forensic evidence.” It is quite possible that the problem isn’t as acute in Cardiff as it has been in other areas of Wales and the UK. However the drugs are available if people are persistent enough, and this raises serious problems. If it only happens once in Cardiff that is one time too many, so remember: don’t accept drinks from strangers, always keep an eye on your own drink and keep an eye out for your friends. No matter how hard they try, the nightclubs and police will not be able to control the problem; the only answer is increased vigilance.

Editorial & Opinion

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gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd EST. 1972

Student Rant

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

THE STATE OF OUR UNION Will the last person to leave the union please turn out the lights

Because gair rhydd believes Cardiff Students’ Union is potentially weeks away from disaster. You may question these sentiments when you look at their glossy facilities and impressive services. But in truth the union is currently a ship without a rudder. The political complexities of the union can be baffling. But let us explain in layman’s terms. Everything within the hideous redbrick walls is governed by the Students Council. This body is made up of representatives, there to make decisions on behalf of the 17 000 students within our university. At the last meeting ten people turned up. So why does this matter? Let us take an example. If six out of those ten had expressed an interest in closing this paper, you would not be reading now. What if a majority of Nazi sympathisers walk into the council room next Monday? Are those the sort of people you would like representing your views? The union has been lax in promoting this body. A cynic may suggest that it has something to hide. Perhaps the eight Sabb officers are happy to milk their £13,000 plus salaries without listening to our views. This cannot be allowed to continue. This is our opportunity to bring them to account, to grill them for not keeping to their election pledges. Remember, they’re all too happy to collect our votes come March. gair rhydd has learnt that elected officers in previous years have abused their powers. We must not let it happen this year. Student Council meets next at 6.30pm Monday 7 December.

Let’s all study Mickey Mouse By Gary Andrews

M

edia students are an easy target. After all, their course consists of sitting around doing nothing but watching the occasional film or TV programme and every now and then flicking through a magazine. To cap it all, some media degrees even offer modules in David Beckham studies. What a complete and utter Mickey Mouse degree. To any good cultural studies student, the Beckham phenomenon is indicative of the society and times that we live in. Surely this is a worthy area for study. Examining the discourses surrounding the Real Madrid player will give the student a greater understanding of the way the world works. Is it worth questioning why Posh and Becks’ marriage earns more column inches than many leading politicians of today? And how about the fact that the footballing star’s face adorns everything from drink cans to

“Each degree teaches us something” billboards? That’s advertising: the business end of the media machine. Plus, why do so many people worship and buy into the Beckham dream and lifestyle? Perhaps psychology is an important consideration when studying the media? So already a media studies degree involves an interdisciplinary approach. Still not convinced? How about

moving our area of study away from Beckham and towards the character that inspired the derogatory term – Mickey Mouse. The Disney corporation is a global force that has influenced a great deal of contemporary culture. The empire encompasses TV networks such as ABC in America, record labels, film studios, toy stores and so on. Disney is a global brand on a par with Nike, McDonald’s and Coca-Cola. This alone is worth studying. How did Disney reach this position while their competitors fell by the wayside? Disney has a monopoly on quality children’s TV. Sure, there are other films made for kids, but we all know the Disney classics such as Beauty And The Beast, Aladdin and Fantasia. Disney movies are well loved, even if they do preach a certain conservative message which, if Michael Eisner has his way, indoctrinates us all to a certain point of view. Isn’t this worth studying? Those who would rather we spent our life studying History, Maths and Latin have missed the point entirely. Each degree teaches us something. The more traditional areas of academia are equally worthwhile areas of study as Mickey Mouse and David Beckham. Disney and Becks make us more culturally aware and media savvy. In this age of the information superhighway and celebrity gimmicks, a media studies degree gives the student a better critical perspective of what they see as well as a fighting chance of securing employment in an increasingly ruthless, media-saturated world. Think about it next time the person interviewing you for a job tells you he wrote his dissertation on James Bond.

Adam Douglas

Left-wing fascists?

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Sporting chance? Life, the university and everything...

By AJ Silvers

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hile the whole country basks in the glory of the World Cup victory, the result has raised an important question. Why has it taken 37 years for England (or any of the home nations for that matter) to win another World Cup event? The answer must lie with the pitiful level of sports funding in UK. While the debate over student loans and topup fees rages on, the student sports community is often overlooked or at the very least marginalised. Yet the

“The university does not offer any financial support” future of the nation’s sporting achievements may well rest on the shoulders of our more sporty peers. A significant number of the England squad are graduates, including Jonny Wilkinson. But rugby is not the only beneficiary of university sporting excellence. The GB rowing squad which dominated Olympic competition for over a decade, was almost exclusively made up of graduates. A similar pattern can be seen in our national hockey teams who regularly excell on the international and Olympic stages. Why am I harping on about this now when everyone else is in the pub, raising a glass to toast our world champion squad? Well if the proposed

top-up fees go through, it may be another 30 years before a home nation team wins another world championship. Footballers are of course exempt from this poverty trap, as their bank balances are buoyed by lucrative shampoo commercials and a neverending supply of free football boots. As gair rhydd reported only two weeks ago, Cardiff ’s own sporting stars are dependent on the Sports Bursary Award Programme as the university does not offer any financial support to sporting students, many of whom compete at international events. The coming merger between Cardiff University and UWCM is backed by a £60 million investment package, though none of this cash will be used to support sporting students from either institution. The proponents of the top-up fees point to the US university system as an example of well-funded institutions. However, these institutions also offer comprehensive sporting scholarships, ensuring America’s supply of world class sports men and women. Sporting excellence is actively sought out, encouraged and supported. Their intensive training programs are not hampered by the need to flip burgers or pull pints to pay their way through university. Tony Blair’s unwavering commitment to the hugely unfair and unpopular top-up fees will cost the country. We stand to lose both, our future heads of commerce and industry, as well as the next crop of sporting heroes.

hat the fuck do Tony Blair and his cronies think they are up to? First they form a dodgy alliance with a right-wing warmonger and start illegally invading and occupying countries, and now they are using children as pawns in a misguided political campaign to win back the voters of middle England. The government says it intends to go ahead with controversial plans to take into care the children of those families who refuse "voluntary" repatriation to the countries from which they originally fled when their asylum applications are rejected. This draconian policy does not state what happens to the families once they have been stripped of their children. Are they to be forcibly

“My only regret is that we did not get a grip on this a lot earlier”

David Blunkett

ejected from our shores? Surely this must be one of the most shortsighted schemes the government has dreamed up. The Home Office estimates that in 1999-2000, migrants, asylum seekers and refugees contributed £2.5bn to the economy. Of course, since then Blair has vowed to halve the number of applications for asylum, a target Downing Street claims to have reached. And it gets worse. In a recent exchange in the House of Commons David Blunkett admitted that he did not have a clue as to how many illegal immigrants were making their way into the UK. When questioned about his current hard-line stand on matters of asylum and refugees on Radio 4’s Today programme, his response was: "My only regret is that we did not get a grip on this a lot earlier." Maybe this is because in the past the government has tried to look like a Labour party, and has now reverted to exercising its political power for the sake of petty personal prejudices.

Fancy a rant? E-mail 340 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk

December 1 2003

Political Opinion

Page 9

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Spot the difference Baby Bush comes to town By Jenna Wilcox

L By Caroline Farwell

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ith growing disillusion for New Labour, diminishing support for a divided Tory party and the Liberal Democrats progressing away from the backbenches of parliament, the Palace of Westminster appears to have entered a new and elusive phase of politics. In addition to concerns over merging party policies and Blair’s deteriorating popularity, the apparent shift in thinking towards a reckless pursuit of power has redirected public attention. Fears are now emerging over the men who are front-lining these government factions and leading British politics away from its principle foundations. May 1 1997 marked a dynamic shift in our country’s political history: the day when Britain rejected Conservative rule and chose to bring Tony Blair and his mandate for a reformed Labour to power. From the beginning of his political career in 1983, Blair has represented a new direction in British politics. Consciously moving away from the traditional left wing principles and socialist focus of Labour, Blair appealed to the electorate via a path of centre-right politics. He took Labour to the middle ground, compromising his policies in order to woo Middle England, in an overtly pragmatic attempt to gain support. Following Labour’s second consecutive landslide victory in the June 2001 general elections, Blair secured his second term as Prime Minister, a huge vindication of his shift to centre politics. The Prime Minister’s high profile support for military action in both Afghanistan and Iraq has however severely damaged his status in the eyes of the British public. After allegations that the government hyped the case for war earlier this year, Blair has been accused of losing touch with the public, and failing the fundamental characteristics of democracy. His unwarranted risk taking and persistent drive for control is reflected in his recent revolt against the United Nations, emphasising that Tony Blair is playing a dangerous game with both domestic and international affairs. After failing to capitalise on Blair’s dwindling popularity, Iain Duncan Smith was ousted as leader of the Conservative party earlier this month. This brought Michael Howard, former finance spokesman, to the frontlines of the Tory party. Remembered as a stern and uncompromising home secretary under Major’s government, Howard’s tough stance is appreciated by Tory activists who are reassured by his defence of Conservative grassroots. Howard has promised an inclu-

sive party ‘led from the centre’ with a commitment to its core platform of lower taxes through greater government efficiency and less bureaucracy. While few in Westminster doubt Howard’s political abilities, the question remains whether he can lead the Conservatives back into Downing Street. Frequent changes in leadership project the image of instability among Tory benches, indicating that perhaps efforts beyond leadership deselections are needed in order for the Conservatives to seriously threaten the Labour government. After failing to exploit the current downturn in public trust in Blair, combined with reoccurring poor performances in public opinion polls, the chances of the Tories regaining the dominance that characterised British politics in the 20th century look remote. So does this pose the possibility of the Liberal Democrats becoming a main source of opposition to New Labour? The party certainly looks well placed to profit from growing resentment towards Blair. The developing recognition of the Democrats as a realistic source of competition for the government is reflected in last October’s London by-election, where they gained heavily at the expense of Labour. Charles Kennedy, since becoming leader of the Liberal Democrats in 1999, has carved out some distinct policies for his party, particularly on taxation and his dedication to public services. In 2001 he helped the Lib Dems to make considerable gains in the general election and more recently he struck a chord with voters with his anti-war standpoint. But despite this progress for Kennedy, the majority of British voters fail to regard the Democrats as a potential majority party. It is unlikely that the results of September’s mid-term poll will be mirrored in the next general election. After Tony Blair has successfully proven the power of personality politics, Charles Kennedy’s genial and affable nature fails to render him a likely candidate for Prime Minister. So with the Tories becoming ever more right wing, and New Labour’s rapid move in a similar direction, British politics appears increasingly more extreme in the eyes of the voting public. In the midst of this incessant strive to gain popular support, we cannot ignore the effects that such a struggle is having on the direction of government policy. Leaders in parliament are becoming increasingly preoccupied with their campaigns in personality politics and appealing to the masses that they are alarmingly allowing party policy to take a back seat to their vicious pursuits of political domination.

ast Thursday’s anti-Bush demonstration in London was the largest mid-week demo ever organised. The whole of central London practically ground to a halt. The organisers, Stop the War Coalition, say that 150,000 people joined the demo, but the police put the numbers closer to 100,000 (no prizes for guessing who told them to say that). It was also the most heavily policed state visit in British history, which was very apparent on the day. When we reached the areas around Whitehall and the Houses of Parliament, there were lines of police standing shoulder to shoulder, blocking off roads and generally trying to look authoritative, but actually doing very little. There were also large groups of police, literally hundreds of them in this one area, standing around chatting to each other, and mounted police that were just hovering around looking for people to intimidate. Mayor of London, Ken Livingstone, said that the £5 million security bill that guaranteed President Bush’s safety whilst in London would add £2 to council tax bills if the government did not fund it (which they don’t seem to plan to). So we paid these police to stand around blocking off roads when a fence would have done the job just as well. Obviously there needs to be some sort of police presence at such a big demonstration, but nobody I went with saw anyone being violent and the demonstration was generally declared to be peaceful. Yet the government saw it necessary to employ one in nine police officers in England and Wales to make Bush’s visit a

Bush: tea with the Queen today, spanking the Middle East tomorrow pleasant one. One reason they gave for this almost neurotic decision was the danger of ‘terrorists’ attacking London. The march was initially banned from going past Whitehall, partly because of fears that a terrorist could use the demonstration as cover for an attack, and also because of demands from the White House for tight security. One police officer said, “Who knows what terrorists look like? There is always the possibility of someone concealing themselves amongst the demonstrators.” And I thought you could usually tell because of the dodgy beard and towel-type head gear! Before the visit, the White House demanded, with almost unbelievable audacity, that the whole of central London should be shut down. It seems really odd that the White

House was so worried about the demonstrators when the public line is that everyone in Britain loves the ‘special relationship’ between Bush and Blair. It also begs the question of why on earth the visit was arranged in the first place. I don’t know if it’s just me being cynical, but it seems like a bit of a coincidence that on the day of the main anti-Bush demonstration a huge bomb exploded in Turkey, which of course was blamed on those pesky terrorists. In a lunchtime press conference on Thursday, Bush and Blair declared that the bombings ‘justified the war on terrorism’. Which, obviously, leaves us demonstrators looking silly, doesn’t it? After all, we would be protesting about this man who only wants to make the world a better place for us and our children!

Inequality in leisure facilities Comment By Perri Lewis and Andrew Caldicott

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fter a long history of living in a male dominated society it appears that Cardiff is harbouring its very own little matriarchy. gair rhydd has discovered that Cardiff’s only municipal swimming pool, the Maindy swimming baths, is offering a service which can be described as none other than sexist. They hold women-only pool sessions on numerous evenings; however, when questioned it was found that they had absolutely no plans to extend this service to men-only pool sessions. They justify this decision by acknowledging that women often feel insecure about their bodies and would rather swim in a single sex atmosphere. On the surface, this policy may appear reasonable; it provides women with a chance to escape uncomfortable male gazes when clad in relatively little. However, when you reassess the situation, you can see that their policy is basically sexist.

In a society where image is everything it is ignorant to believe that men are not susceptible to the same insecurities as women. The incidence of male anorexia has grown rapidly in the last few years providing evidence for the simple truth that beneath a layer of masculinity and testosterone, men may be just as anxious about their bodies as women, especially considering how ‘laddish’ young women’s attitudes have become. In light of this, offering male-only swimming sessions does not seem such a ridiculous idea. Of course our patriarchal society does not judge male appearance as brutally as it does women’s; their status can be defined in terms of occupation, activities and possessions while women are still evaluated solely on their exterior. Still, women seem to have no problem with this; you only have to go to a meat market nightclub on a Saturday night to see hundreds of women quite happy to flaunt their assets by adopting the minimalist approach to clothing. The other reason given for this disgraceful inequality is that Muslim women wish to use the pool and can-

not do so in front of men. Well, I’m sorry, but this is a Christian country and we should stop pandering to the ‘rights’ of ethnic minorities at the expense of the indigenous male population who have paid their council tax and would like to be able to use the pool also. Equal opportunities is fine, but preferential treatment based on religion is wrong. After all, should one of us go to a Muslim country, we would be unable to have a few beers, which is an important part of our culture. You see, the multicultural ideal only goes one way, and most of us are fed up to the back teeth of it. If they feel so strongly that they need separation of the sexes, maybe the local Islamic organisations could build their own private swimming pool without any assistance from the taxpayer? In conclusion, with the rise of equal opportunities, surely this preferece of women over men must be regarded as outrageous prejudice?

What do YOU think? Contact us at: gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Letters

Page 10

December 01 2003

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd Letters Page ‘Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nibbling at your toes. Something something…’ bah, Bing Crosby was a wino anyway. Here’s hoping that the rain is replaced by snow, you get everything that your selfish hearts desire, and you finally capture your granddad dancing to C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now. A bumper festive page for you this week, ‘cos Xmas comes early to Letters Desk! We begin this Dickensian fable with a letter addressed personally to me! It warmed the cockles of my heart, I tell thee. Keep your scrawls coming in via email – you all know what paper is for this week: writing letters to that rotund bearded chap that lives in Lapland... And so you should, if you’ve been good little boys and girls this year… James “Jacob Marley” Anthony

Quod Erat Demonstrandum hey to gr guy... i'm kinda sorry but kinda not but this is gonna be a lil tirade against you, my good man. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR is what I say! Ten-Fold! why do you meet every single letter that you print (well, ok, every letter you put a lil reply to) with a a criticism that hardly ever relates to the point the writer was making????? I mean, most of the time their points that really are worth making and you just automatically slate everything... For example: ok, there was a letter a few weeks back talking about how bad the new nus cards were. And you were totally against them which is fair enough you know, i mean everyone's got an opinion but when someone else wrote in saying they were a good thing you totally slated them too! is it deliberate???? it's SERIOUSLY annoying. You're putting us off, man, stop it, stop it!!! gaaaar it makes me feel like gouging my own eyes out with a spoon. well, maybe not that bad but you get the idea. Now, I know you're just going to slate this letter too if you even bother to print it but I had to say something because it's just sleazy tabloid journalist-y and if i wanted to read that stuff i'd go get a sleazy tabloid. well thanks for listening to this whole complaint against you i realise it's quite an offensive thing to deal with but ya know, i figured you could just as well ignore it if you didn't want to hear it. that's what i figured. No name supplied. I could respond to this in the usual manner, but I won’t. Instead, why don’t you actually read any letters page that I’ve ever done? I don’t sit down and spend hours concocting carefully thought out responses. Much as I’d like to (and I really would, this page offers excellent opportunity for

discourse), this would mean failing my degree, and I’m not prepared to do that under any circumstances. However, I guarantee that every reply I give has relevance. What I’m doing is playing devil’s advocate. This means that whatever point people put across, I’ll try to counter it with another side of the argument. The responses don’t (always) reflect my own beliefs, and I’m not trying to foist my beliefs onto others. The example that you give regarding the NUS cards is invalid, because in reality, I couldn’t give a hoot what my NUS card looks like, so long as it gets me books out of the library. This isn’t "slating them", unless it’s within the interests of humour – in which case the British climate of schadenfreude is more to blame than I am. If the jesting is not to your taste, then here’s an idea – don’t read it. "Is it deliberate?" Yes, of course it’s deliberate! I’m trying to goad people into writing in with something meaningful, something worthy – I want people who can express themselves lucidly, to deconstruct issues that matter on this letters page. Anyone with half a mind could blow holes in most of the points I raise. I’m making it easy for you! I’ve lauded certain letters with praise; there are people who have written in, with a grasp of the English lexicon that I can only aspire to. See, for example, Mr Spearpoint’s letter. My replies attempt to defer letters of this sort – instead of responding to my comments as the challenge they are intended to be, you counter with this detritus that you yourself freely admit to as being a "tirade". Rather than sit there throwing patently erroneous clichés such as "sleazy tabloid journalist-y" (sic), I offer you (or anyone else for that matter), this contest. Come up to the gair rhydd offices and take over the letters page yourself. If you think you can do better (or even differently) every week, don’t waste your time whining; step up.

Letter of the week receives two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. They are available for collection from the gair rhydd offices, on the top floor of the union building.

Voice of authority Dear gair rhydd, I'm writing to you to express my serious concern about a news article carried in your Politics section a couple of weeks ago. Under the heading "Democrats Ditch Flag" I found an article that was copied virtually word-for-word from a press release on the website of the British National Party. I'm not sure if you're aware, but it is the policy of the NUS as well as Cardiff students' union to refrain from giving this Fascist party any support whatsoever. Imagine my disgust when I find that Polly March, the reporter who wrote this article, obviously not only regularly visits the BNP's website but agrees with the material published there enough to copy it! Ordinarily of course, copying an article verbatim from a website would mean that Polly March was simply a substandard journalist. In this case, it raises worrying questions about her political views and whether she is suitable to be writing for a newspaper that is constitutionally bound to uphold the students' union's anti-racist policy. I hope that gair rhydd will be taking swift action to ensure this does not happen again, including the disciplining if not the sacking of Polly March and Andrew Caldicott, the Political Editor. Yours, Mel Whitter, South East Wales NUS Convenor

Voice of the disenchanted Dear gair rhydd, Your call for a publishable letter worthy of two tickets to yet more work-avoidance has stirred me to write. My subject? The same as yours. You are not receiving challenging, provocative letters because the mind of the average student is a less active thing than it once was. Unfortunately, the typical student today is more concerned with topping up his alcohol levels, rather than demonstrating against top-up fees. Getting pissed is cool. Being political isn’t. Students themselves are not the cause. Their apathy is merely a side effect of a greater socio-political shift: there simply isn’t as much to demonstrate against. During the 60s and 70s students were THE voice of the disenchanted. Students had decades, centuries of political wrongness to fight. The oppression of blacks, and the lack of choice for women were at that time ingrained in the social conscience. Organised, loud, and sometimes violent student activity successfully challenged these views and spawned a kind of political correctness, to the great benefit of society During the 80s the ‘student army’, so to speak, had Thatcher as their enemy incarnate. Mass privatisation and other right wing (i.e., antistudent) agendas on the part of the government brought huge numbers of

student demonstrators to the streets. It was cool to be political. Not any more. Evidence is forthcoming. Firstly, I was at the great union comedy night last Tuesday when one of the acts, who during his time as a student was actively political, asked if anyone in the audience was. Not one person said they were. Fifteen years ago such silence would have been unthinkable. Secondly, this very paper to which I write is a palpable example for the shift. Your last two front covers have headlined the disastrous dearth of vodka and the (almost) disastrous chance of the union bar being shut down. Compare this to your "Look Back At…" pages when each headline carried with it news of University scandals, or Union activities. The demonstrations against President Bush are a notable exception to my views, and respect to those people involved. But it remains the case that the changes in your headlines reflect the changes in student sentiment. James Spearpoint (MSc Occupational Psychology)

Widening access Dear gair rhydd, I noted that the ‘Student Rant’ of gair rhydd October 18th ‘03, ‘Cambridge Catches Up’, suggested that university admissions in the UK are based on attracting students from the ‘so-called good schools’. This is far from the case. Currently 37% of 18 – 21 year olds in the UK progress to higher education and the

government aims for this to grow to 50% by the year 2010. The number of students enrolled from non-traditional backgrounds is constantly monitored and every university in the UK is actively engaged in initiatives that encourage applications from all social groups. Cardiff University, in particular, meets its required benchmarks and work continues to improve our historic record of success in attracting a diverse student population. Cambridge’s trial of the Students Admissions Tests is just one of the approaches to admissions in place in the UK. Tutors adopt a range of approaches to identify potential that may not be fully demonstrated in school leavers’ exam results . In addition, Cardiff University’s Widening Access Team (External Relations) works in schools and colleges with pupils as young as 11 to raise aspirations and educational achievement at 18 and above regardless of social background, family income, or school performance. An independent review of admissions procedures in England is currently being carried out. The Consultation Paper on Key Issues Relating to Fair Admissions to Higher Education has been published and seeks responses by November 12th 2003. Anyone interested in admissions practices at UK universities should take a look, and since the Consultation Paper invites responses from young people and Students’ Unions, it’s a chance to make your voice heard. Yours, Annie Mitchell (Widening Access Manager, Cardiff University)

Pedal pushers: Angry Dear gair rhydd, I would like to ask "annoyed second year" complaining about cyclists, whether he has actually ever cycled himself on busy roads? Has he ever been cut up by cars that think they have the right of way, even though they have seen you are going to turn, and are in the middle of the road – so you almost lose your arm? If he hasn't then I don't think he should complain so. Of course, there are times when it is sensible to be on the road but not if it’s very busy. Also, you have obviously only experienced impolite cyclists. There are some who patiently let pedestrians walk along at their own pace, and are polite when pedestrians realise that there is a cyclist behind them. Such harsh words should not be used unless you are a cyclist and have experienced the life of a cyclist such as myself – six years of cycling to school and back each day on the busy roads of Surrey. You may say the roads of Cardiff are quieter, but they aren’t. Before you complain I think you should experience. Angry First Year Cyclist

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - gair rhydd will attempt to print any letters that I think are good enough. Apologies for those that do not make it due to space restrictions, or are shit. The views expressed in these letters are not usually those of the newspaper or the letters desk.

Letters

December 01 2003

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grletters@cf.ac.uk

Egg chasers Dear gair rhydd, Regarding, the “Wilkinson: arse” letter last week, was this your attempt to define foolishness? English football fans, my esteemed colleague, have a European Championship in Portugal to look forward to. Just as they looked forward to World Cup '02, Euro '00, and World Cup '98 before that. Enjoy your meaningless friendlies. Don't get me wrong, I would like to have seen Wales compete in Portugal, purely to see some exceptionally talented players on the greatest international stage; Giggs, Davies, Bellamy (and this list is exhaustive). Call yourself patriotic? That's a joke - you would let go of being champions of the world apparently. And this one trick pony you speak off? Well I think you'll find their second trick is bringing the World Cup home with them. But at least you’re not bitter. Keep cheering for you not unrealistic expectations though. I guess optimism is out of the question? Yours, The C.I.J. List exhaustive? Koumas (excellent promise), Savage (sound as long as he keeps his temper), Earnshaw (say no more), and if you don’t think that Hartson belongs on that list, you’re ‘avin a larf.

To be sure, to be sure Dear gair rhydd, I write to highlight the ridiculous situation that confronts and irritates many foreign students moving to a new country. As an Irish student, I have attempted to complete the simple process of opening a bank account. This has proved a mammoth task and an incredibly demeaning one. Nat West made basic errors such as having not photocopying my documents properly... and this after three weeks of sheer dithering and incompetence! Losing all confidence in that brand of financial idiocy I naively placed my trust in Lloyds TSB. As it now happens after yet another two weeks of suspicion and paranoid interrogation they have given me a sacred account but only as a high-risk client. Under this financial strangling, I am powerless to withdraw more than £200 at a time, and only in Wales. When I return at Christmas to quiet Ireland to spend my money I will

have no access to it! As a PGCE student living in Wales with perfect banking history I deserve access to that which is rightfully mine. I do not attack wonderful Wales by any means, but merely question the sustaining miserly financial powers that be. Yours, Emma Grealy I’d like to go on record stating that Lloyds can kiss my ass, but I’ve had no problems with the service that Nat West has provided.

Faster, pussycat, kill kill Dear gair rhydd, I have noticed on a number of recent occasions the statement that 30% of all accidents on the United Kingdom's roads are caused by excessive speed. According to the government funded Transport Research Laboratory report TRL323, excessive speed was the cause of 7.3% of accidents. If the predominant cause "failure to judge other persons speed" is included, then the total rises to 18%. In order to arrive at the figure of 30% then it is necessary to include "following too close", "slippery road", "behaviour/in a hurry", "aggressive driving", "weather" and other categories. If it is indeed correct to lump all of these causes under the single heading of speed, then what are the plans to deal with the other 70% of the causes? The term "safety camera" is also rather misleading since it only deals with a third of the issue of road safety. The accident rate in the UK has not significantly fallen since 1993, despite an increase in speed camera convictions from 290 in 1992 to just over 1 million in 2001.

to, is the way that we were requested to get out of the lift. It was purely and simply "get out”. Now I was brought up to say please and thank you and think I am generally a polite person: others obviously aren't. Anyway, we all trudged out of the lift and descended the stairs, discussing that way in which the lady had said "get out of the lift", and feeling a bit disgruntled. On walking through the next door, unfortunately, the disabled lift lady (who had just come out of the lift) said viciously "who said that?" (oops!). She proceeded with her interrogation and we all felt dead scared, mumbled things like "we didn't mind getting out of the lift, etc", but just wanted to get away, instead of confronting her about her slight rudeness. Now I wish we had, so instead I decided to write to say politeness doesn't hurt. It makes life a lot simpler. Yours, Luce, Pete, Al & Rhi MOQH

Where’s Cui Cui Cobley? Where oh where has Cobley gone? He was an arrogant fecker but at least he was funny. This new guy isn't fit to butter his muffins. Why won't "Icarus" even tell us his name? Surely he's not scared of all the moaning Tories who write in every week to tell us that Comrade Cobley is a nasty socialist rapist. And now he's going to get rid of Georgie Bush, the world's smartest monkey. His grinning little chimp face was all that kept me going on a lecture-filled Monday morning. Oh well - just one more left-wing voice silenced in Blair's new Britain. Vote Nazi now and beat the rush!

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Yours, Steve (Journo)

Text the gair rhydd Letters Page

07791 165 837

Yours, "Still a leftie and proud" 2nd year.

Follow the crowds, end up in Tesco Dear gair rhydd,

Dear gair rhydd, Following an incident involving a lift crammed full of ten loudly chatting students, a disabled lady trying to get into aforementioned lift, and some very cross words exchanged, I decided to do something about the awful situation that arose. I have no objection to getting out of a lift so that someone less able-bodied can use it – after all, there are stairs in every university building too. What I object

into serious clubbing, then GO to these new places: Stylus, Evo and Vision. If you still crave the cheese then you MUST sample The Old Monk, Lloyds and Liquid. Lads, if you wanna experience the love of a genuine valley slapper then SHIFT your arse to Kiwis, The Square and Reflex. Girls, if you wanna rub shoulders with the guys who have it all HEAD to No 10, Soda Bar or Zero Zero 32's. Not to mention there are over a dozen new places opening before Xmas. I know you have three years to try all this but you're in Cardiff, go and see what it has to offer. I sympathise with the foreigners who have come from insignificant hamlets where the nightlife consisted of a Public Inn where everybody knows everybody and the landlord knows what peanuts you favour. Cardiff must seem like a cross between Vegas and Ibiza. Yet I refuse to believe you are not bored with the regimental drinking schedule... yes some of the places are shit, but that's the whole point of exploring isn't it? www.drinkingincardiff.co.uk has some great guides.

Dear gair rhydd,

Regards, James Rickard

Able bodied people have feelings too

Creation (believe it) or maybe venture to the slagfest heaven that is Jumpin' Jaks. So Wednesday and it seems whether you like the music or not (sheep) you will either go to Metros for 80p doubles and are happy to stand in the mist of BO and general twats or head to the union. I don't even want to talk about Rubber Duck, but I will; nothing but shameless theme nights that are not even addressed on the night... yet you still dress up and fail to see the fantastic efforts you go to aren't rewarded in any way. Such a shame really since Solus is one of the biggest clubs in Cardiff, just run by idiots who seem to have a natural talent for cocking things up. I hope I'm proved wrong and everyone has a lovely Xmas Ball there! Thursdays is night-in night; NOT FUCKING ACCEPTABLE. And finally Friday (Liquid/Lashtastic) and Saturday (Comeplay). You know I'm right. I'll stop slagging for now and tell you what to do. Xmas is upon us, for fuck's sake, make the effort to walk to St Mary's Street, Mill Lane and Windsor Place. This is where it all happens – believe me. Despite what you may or may not believe, drinks are just as cheap in town. If you are

This is nothing short of a wake-up call for all the freshers, "GO AND BLOODY EXPLORE THE CARDIFF NIGHT SCENE". Fair play I am a born 'n' bred Cardiff boy and this is my first year as a student here, but despite hearing the sheep jokes during freshers week (baa haa haa) I can tell you now it's the foreigners (English) who are the sheep. Into our ninth week now and I can still tell you where people are flocking each night. Monday, they are enticed by monkeys to the cattle market 'superclub' that is Creation where they stand like a sardine in a sweaty tin, unable to move on the dance floor. They do this for four hours and go home. You may never have known this but it was Liquid that was the better venue on a Monday but you've lost that now. Tuesday, back to

Wanna play 20 Questions? Yeah sure, is it mineral? Yes. Is it a tank? Yes. Which twat is it that loves exeter city so much that they r included in the quiz every week. PLYMOUTH ARGYLE r the only team in the south west! wn ur face... wn yr face... why on earth did gandalf tell “fly you fools”? it makes no sense.now if he’d have given them wings...

Never wear nylon clothes and dance in a petrol station forecourt. Is any IMG team looking for a quality keeper? Email comedyreputation@yahoo.c o.uk Guaranteed clean sheets! I’m a metrosexual - i’ll only shag goths Wat’s the point of a security gate that doesn’t lock, has last year’s combination, and has an alternative entrance where there’s no security measure at all?

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - gair rhydd will attempt to print any letters that I think are good enough. Apologies for those that do not make it due to space restrictions, or are shit. The views expressed in these letters are not usually those of the newspaper or the letters desk.

Listings

Page 12

December 1 2003

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy gair rhydd’s day by day listings: if it’s on it’s in. With Hannah Muddiman

Monday01/12

Fun Factory @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am. Free before 11pm, £2 after Saucy Monkey @ Creation Student classics £3/2 Poohyerpants @ Liquid Student session. Cheesy chart, R&B, commercial dance. 50p per drink before 11pm, £1 after. Casual dress £2 (NUS) Student night @ Evolution £3 (NUS) Live @ The Barfly Icarus Thinker, The Caves, Red Pony Doors 8pm, £4 adv. Smell the Glove @ Barfly Good-time rock’n’roll. 11pm-2am £2 (NUS) Something Anything @ Moloko DJs play whatever they want. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry Jazz Attic @ Café Jazz Jam night. Sign in on the door to play from 8pm. £1.50 Simple @ The Philharmonic Free Mondays @ Exit Club Cheap and cheerful chart night, 7.30pm-2am, £1.50/3 DJ Mix selector @ Sam’s Bar Live turntable action, £3 Salsa night @ Bar Med Free food platter with every cocktail jug @ The Slug and Lettuce From 7pm United Harmony Singers @ St. David’s Hall Christmas charity concert. A programme of inspirational songs for the Christmas season, including traditional and modern day gospel songs from America, Africa and the Caribbean as well as popular choral standards. Taking Sides @ The New Theatre The focus of Taking Sides, a huge hit in the West End and on Broadway, is the accusation of a composer’s Nazi collusion and his investigation at the end of WWII. Mon-Sat 7.30pm; Thursday and Saturday matinees 3pm; student standby ticket on the night £5.

Tuesday02/12

Comedy Network @ Seren Las, SU Doors 8pm, show 9pm, £2 (NUS) The Sorrel Quartet @ University Concert Hall 7.30pm £3 (NUS) Vodka Republic @ Creation £2 (NUS) Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (upstairs) Rock, goth, metal. Doors 9pm, £2.50 (NUS) I Hear A New World @ Clwb Ifor Bach (downstairs) Electronica, psychedelia, downtempo, krautrock. Doors 10pm, £2 (NUS) Superstition @ Moloko Motown, soul, nujazz, disco, funk. Bar till 2am, happy hour drinks all night. Free entry Funky town @ Stylus Commercial disco, R&B flavas. 9pm-2am, £2 (NUS) Chill out @ The Philharmonic Free Quiz night @ Club X Face Dr Beverley Ballcrusher for cash prizes. Table service on drinks from 9pm so you can keep your heads together. 6pm-11pm, free Cheese Nation @ Jumpin’ Jaks Student night, 8pm-2am offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, d’n’b with DJs Rod and Mr P, £1 bottles and shots. No dress code 9pm-3am. Free before 11pm, £1.50 after International night @ Journeys 4pm-midnight Salsa night @ Bar Cuba £4 a lesson Home @ The Toucan Club The best bands on the local scene. 8pm till late Acoustic Lounge @ The Toucan Bar The best local singers, songwriters and musicians play in an informal setting with open mic sessions from 8pm Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Pyrotech DJs/jam session, 10pm, £2.50 The Bootleg Beatles @ St. David’s Hall 8pm, from £15.50 Live @ Barfly Buffseeds, Ffynci Mynci, Theremin. Doors 8pm, £5 adv. Indie Mayhem @ Barfly Resident DJs from Indiesoc plus guests £2 (NUS)

Wednesday03/12

Rubber Duck Club Night @ Solus, SU Prizes for the best dressed. 9pm-2am, £3 (NUS) Student Session @ Liquid Cheesy chart, R&B, commercial dance. Drinks 99p before midnight, £1.50 after. £2 (NUS) Wednesday Social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set. Noon2.30pm. Free. Live @ Barfly Strange Pains, I Love UFO, Gaijin Doors 8pm, £4 adv. Express @ Barfly Party hip-hop featuring resident DJs, turntablists and breakdancers. 10.30pm-2am, £2 (NUS) All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco. Popscene: Indie. Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations. 9.30pm, £2.50 (NUS) Relax @ Stylus 80s. 9pm-2am, £2 Simple @ The Philharmonic Free Wednesdays @ Club X Chart and mix 7.30pm-2am, £1.50/3 Duelling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks 70s Style Cheapskates @ Metros Alternative and cheese. Double shot and mixer 80p. No dress code, 9pm-2am Indie Box @ Journeys 4pm-midnight Latin Night @ Life Latin music and salsa lessons £2 2 for 1 cocktails @ The Slug and Lettuce From 7pm Boomshanka @ The Toucan Machine Meadow @ Moloko, Mill Lane Special guests for the launch party The Best Of The West End @ St David’s Hall Phantom Of The Opera, Mamma Mia, Les Misérables, The Lion King, Cats, Evita, Jesus Christ Superstar, My Fair Lady and more. 7.30pm, £15.50 Contemporary Music Group @ University Concert Hall Music by Birtwhistle, Cage, Matthews and Sculthorpe. Including Ligeli’s composition for 100 metronomes in the interval. 7:30pm £3 (NUS)

Thursday04/12

Climax @ Solus, SU 9pm-3am £3 (NUS) Usual Suspects @ Creation Chart, dance, indie, old school Fresh City @ Liquid Cardiff’s premiere R&B session (apparently). With resident DJ Raheem (Vibe 101) and MC Echo. £2.50 drinks. Casual, no headgear Live @ Barfly Non-Stop Electronic Cabaret Tour: featuring Chikinki, Pink Grease, Performance. Doors 8pm, £5 adv. Thursday night fever @ Barfly Put on your dancing shoes for extreme cheese, 10.30pm-2am, £2 Yellow Brick Road @ Clwb Ifor Bach Presenting FC Kahuna, 9.30pm, £7.50 Uprising @ Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, dub, ska. Doors 10pm, £3 (NUS) Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, d’n’b, breaks. Drinks promotions all night, 9pm-2am. Free before 11pm, £1 after Groove Check @ Stylus Classic soul, boogie, funk and R&B, 9pm-2am, £2 (NUS) Shag-tag @ Bar X Free before midnight, £2 after Thursdays @ Exit Club Chart and mix. 7.30pm-2am £1.50/3 Red Dragon Radio @ Jumpin’ Jaks High school hits Spellbound @ Metros Metal, indie, fat guitars and evil beats 9pm-3am Livewire @ Bar Ice Dub, ska, reggae Northern Soul @ Journeys Ska, reggae, 60s, mod. 4pm-midnight Higher Learning @ The Toucan Club Celebrating their birthday Super Furry Animals @ The Toucan Bar Come and check out some of Wales’ finest spinning some seriously dodgy tunes but mixing them beyond recognition and transforming them in their own extreme way. Twisted by Design @ The City Arms Alternative tunage 8.30pm-2am. Free entry The Joshua Foundation @ St David’s Hall 7pm. From £6

Listings

December 1 2003

Page 13

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy

Friday05/12

Saturday06/12

Friday Formula @ Creation Three floors of commercial and old school, £5/4 Drink Free @ Liquid Cheesy chart, R&B, commercial dance. Smart: no ripped jeans of trainers. £3 entry (NUS) before 11pm, including three bottles Van Morrison @ St David’s Hall 7.45pm. From £26 Live @ Barfly Preferred Method Of Movement, JW Pepper, Sole Addiction. Doors 8pm, £4 adv. Mad4it @ Barfly Indie classics, baggy beats, party tunes 10.30pm-2am, £3 SUMO @ Clwb Ifor Bach Featuring Gilles Peterson. 10pm, £10 adv. The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach (downstairs) Dudes Abide first birthday. There will be cakes. And cards. And everyone will feel a little bit older. Doors 10pm, £3 Forward Motion @ Moloko Free before 11pm Fridays @ Exit Club Chart and mix. 7.30pm-2am, £1.50/3 Dueling Pianos @ Jumpin’ Jaks Live for the weekend Chaos @ Metros The only alternative. Tunes to make you think/dance/drink from here, there and everywhere. 9pm-3am Fridays @ Bar Ice Funky house and good grooves. 8pm2am, free Soul Dreams @ Journeys Old school R&B UpToNoGood @ The Lounge Chunky, funky vocal house. Free Danger @ The Toucan Drum’n’bass, reggae, dub, ska, funk and chilled out deep roots vibes with live bands and very special guest DJs. Live music from Sons of Reggae plus BustDaDecks Bar and DJ Krissy Jenkins. Free entry before 10.30pm City of Cardiff Concert Band and University A Cappella Choir @ St Teilos Church, Woodville Road Charity Christmas concert of carols and Christmas music old and new. 7.30pm

Come Play @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) Glamorous @ Creation £5 (NUS) All Inclusive @ Liquid Pay on the door and pay no more. Dress code: Smart (no ripped jeans or trainers). Cheesy chart, R&B, commercial dance, £10 (NUS) Live @ Barfly The AM, Milkwood, Nim Chimski. Doors 8pm, £5 adv. Superfly @ Barfly Classic soul, funk, disco. 10.30pm-2am £3 (NUS) The Moxie Plenty @ Clwb Ifor Bach (top floor) Alternative hip-hop, electro, bastard pop, hooligan house, funk, punk. Doors 11pm, £3 (NUS) Blueprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm’n’blues. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry before 10pm Duelling Pianos @ Jumpin’ Jaks Music, comedy and meaningless banter Okii Hyoshi @ Metros Chunky indie and baggy beats with DJs Kimono Oneil and Johnny Akiro, 9pm-3am R&B @ Bar Ice Free entry Party Night @ Bar Med Resident DJs, 9pm-2am Funk Dulux @ The Lounge Funky US house and garage. Free entry Saturday Night Comedy @ Jongleurs Party @ The Toucan The Toucan’s Xmas Party, featuring the legendary James Brown sax man and bandleader of the JBs, Mr Pee Wee Ellis. The writer of the James Brown hit single Cold Sweat will be setting the dance floor ablaze with his versions of JB classics. Do not miss! DJs Lions and Krissy. £9 adv. Christmas Concert With Carols @ St. David’s Hall In aid of leukaemia research. Featuring special guest compères Nicola Heywood-Thomas and Arwel HainesDavies. 7pm, from £6.50

Where? Theatres, Concert Halls and Galleries Students’ Union Box office: 02920 781458 Uni Music Dept Concert Hall Corbett Road The New Theatre Park Place,02920 878889. The Sherman Theatre Senghennydd Road 02920646900 Butetown History&Arts Centre 5 Dock Chambers,Bute Street, Cardiff Bay, 02920 256757 CBAT Gallery 123 Bute Street, 02920 488772 National Museum and Gallery Cathys Park, 02920 397951 Chapter Arts Centre Canton 02920 304400 Cardiff Indoor Arena Mary Ann Street Enq: 02920 224488 St Davids Hall The Hayes Enq. 02920 878420 Box office: 02920 878444 Live Music Barfly Kingsway Info: 02920 396589 Tickets: 08709 070999 Clwb Ifor Bach Womanby Street 02920 232199 The Coal Exchange Mount Stuart Street Cardiff Bay 02920 462311 Toucan Bar and Café 95 St Mary Street 02920 372212 Jazz Cafe St Mary Street 02920 387026 Blues Dragon Club Gwennyth Street (Cathays)

Clubs Stylus Golate (off St Mary Street) 02920 669901 Liquid St Mary Street 02920 645464 Metros (Club Metropolitan) Baker’s Row 02920 399939 Moloko 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Flares St Mary Street Reflex (80s music) St Mary Street Emporium 8-10 High Street 02920 664577 Berlins 5-9 Church Street Creation Park Place 02920 377014 Jumpin’ Jaks Millennium Plaza Wood Street Pubs and Bars Bar Cuba Unit 5, The Friary 02920 397967 Bar Risa Millennium Plaza Wood Road The George Mackintosh Place The Mackintosh Mundy Place The Woodville Woodville Road The End Wyverne Road Gassy Jacks Salisbury Road The Social Salisbury Road Inncognito Park Place Tut & Shive City Road Earnest Willows (Wetherspoon) City Road Ha! Ha! The Friary

Bar Med The Friary Henry’s Park Place Scrum Park Place BSB Windsor Place Central Bar (Wetherspoon) Windsor Place Dempseys Castle Street Rummer Tavern Duke Street RSVP St John Sreet Slug and Lettuce Working Street Gatekeeper (Wetherspoon) Womanby Street Old Orleans Church Street O’Neils Trinity Street Toad Trinity Street Yates’s Westgate Street Queen’s Vaults Westgate Street Oz Bar St Mary Street Is It? Wharton Street O’Neils St Mary Street Prince of Wales (Wetherspoon) Wood Street The Square (Philharmonic) St Mary Street Kitty Flynn’s St Mary Street Kings Cross (gay pub) Mill Lane Walkabout St Mary Street Jongleurs Comedy Club St Mary Street Glee Comedy Club Bute Street, Cardiff Bay Blah Blahs St Mary Street Journeys 1 Upper Clifton Street

Sunday07/12 Sunday Lunch @ Café Jazz 1pm-3pm Who wants to be a Clever Dick @ The Taf Pub quiz kicks off at 7.30pm. £3 per team Hektic @ Elements Sunday sessions. Hard house with resident DJ Shane Morris, £3 Taxi @ Moloko World music till midnight Free entry Smooth Jazz Sunday @ The Philharmonic Free entry Acoustic Night @ Sam’s Bar £2/3 Acoustic Bite @ Journeys Atmospheric acoustic 11am-midnight DJ Joe Gulis @ Walkabout Open Mic @ The Toucan The best local singers, songwriters, and musicians play in an informal setting with open mic sessions, 8pm-12.30am Christmas on Broadway @ St. David’s Hall Presented by Penarth Music and Variety Company. 7.30pm, £8

Highlights Winter Wonderland City Hall Lawn until January 11. Call 02920 230130 to book

New Years at the Students’ Union Roni Size, Scratch Perverts, High Contrast, two rooms, champagne reception, bar at union prices. £22.50

CinemaWeek Back to UGC again this week... S.W.A.T. (12A) Sat: 10:50, 13:25, 16:00, 18:40, 21:15, 23:45 Thurs: 11:55, 15:15, 18:00, 20:45 Love Actually (12A) 11:30, 13:50, 14:35, 16:50, 17:40, 20:00, 20:50. Late show Fri and Sat 23:10. Elf (PG) 10:50, 12:10, 13:30, 14:40, 16:00, 17:10, 18:30, 19:45*, 21:00. * Not Sat Late show Fri and Sat: 23:30 Intermission (18) 11:00, 13:30, 16:10, 18:45, 21:15. Late show Fri and Sat: 23:40 The Mother (15) 11:55, 14:40, 17:55, 20:40. Kill Bill (18) 11:00*, 13:25*, 15:50*, 18:20*, 21:00. * Not Thurs or Sat Late show Fri and Sat 23:30 Seabiscuit (PG) Fri: 11:00, 14:00, 17:10, 20:20. Sat and Sun: 17:10, 20:20. Mon: 11:00, 14:00, 17:10. Tues-Thurs: 11:00, 14:00, 17:10, 20:20. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (12A) Sat and Sun only: 11:55, 14:30. Film Society Screening Mon: 21:00, Read My Lips (15) Meet in the bar at 8pm. Master and Commander (12A) 11:15, 13:30, 14:30, 16:30, 17:30, 19:45, 20:30. Late show Fri and Sat: 22:50. Spun (18) 11:30, 13:50, 16:20, 18:50, 21:10. Late show Fri and Sat: 23:40. Triology Part One (15) 11:50 (not Thurs), 14:20, 17:20, 20:00. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (18) Fri and Mon-Thurs: 11:50, 14:10, 16:40, 19:00, 21:20. Sat and Sun: 16:40, 19:00, 21:20. Late show Fri and Sat: 23:40. Matrix Revolutions (15) 11:30, 14:40, 17:40, 20:45. Intolerable Cruelty (12A) Fri: 11:00, 13:20, 15:40, 18:00, 20:25. Sat and Sun: 18:00, 21:25. Mon, Tues and Thurs: 11:00, 13:20, 15:40, 18:00. Weds: 11:00, 13:20, 15:40, 18:00. Finding Nemo (U) Sat and Sun only: 11:55, 12:20, 14:10, 14:50. Senior Citizens Club Thurs, 11:00. The Man Who Sued God (15)

Jobs & Money

Page 14

December 1 2003

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Real World Postcards from hthe Eagleton

ga ir

r

h yd

d

employees are less likely to lied and bosses will not get annoye By Alex Dove and Step s hope it catchn your boss or suspicious. Let’ It comes as a bit of a shock whee form to fill es on soon in the UK. sends round the Christmas leav at Christmas And talk ing of Chr istm as in. No more three week holidays mer holidays leave brings me neatly to the Christmas and Easter. And four month sum subject of the infamous “office ing many of See t. wai ’t can I recede into a nostalgic haze. ally holidays. par ty”. Person ues getting pissed-up But at least you get paid to take n light- my straight-laced colleages-style while dancing take be not can Jon get This is a novelty which Brid the office is and singing ly. Being paid not to come into king. And if on tables will definitely be an experience and wor of es save up material for one of the saving grac ioned an opportune moment toortunities. This year llus disi or ther wea the er und opp you feel on known as future blackmailing with life, there is a brilliant opti the sofa all our par ty is being held during the day, which is an afternoon off work and sick pay, which involves sitting on g Cash In The great as it means day, eating Pringles and watchin still earning longer drinking hours. In fact, it’s a workers Attic and Murder She Wrote while n a good day version of drink-the-bar-dr y. Except that the your daily wage. You know it’s bee twice. This heavyweights in my department will probably al 6pm stuwhen you get to watch Neighbours manage to stay on past the usu be wading I’ll bt dou I is why sick days were invented. And . a new sys- dent bail-out In America they have introduced r came up through mounds of discarded plastic glasses eve who and s’, k to the floor. So actutem called ‘duvet day unt of and my shoes won’t stic like drink-the-bar-dr y, amo ain cert A ius. gen a is idea ing with this each year. ally it will be noth duvet days are allocated to workers don’t feel which is quite gutting in one sense, but after If you wake up in the morning andcan call in three years of sticky floors and flooded union much like going to work then you This saves toilets, I doubt I’ll miss it. I’ll be too busy e and eating a free meal, and say you are taking a duvet day. that you have drinking red win the embarrassment of claiming your grandma whilst watching my boss gyrating to Last food poisoning yet again or that r. It means Christmas. has died for the third time in a yea

Graduate grumblings By Nicola York

A

ll through our lives we are groomed to become educated intelligent individuals who will eventually go to uni, get a good job and settle down with a nice family in a nice semi in a nice suburb, until the process is begun all over again with our own children. Governments, teachers and parents all want to shape us into ripe and eager students, ready to enter university with a hunger to learn, get our degrees and find a job. Universities are in danger of becoming graduate factories, churning out degrees. What is this obsession with higher education? Young people who don’t have a burning desire to study, are advised to pick a course anyway, and find themselves pushed towards the university route, whether it’s right for them or not. "It doesn’t matter what you study, just as long as you have a degree," everyone chants. And they wonder why there is such a high drop-out rate amongst university students. If people don’t want to study for a degree then they shouldn’t feel inferior or as if they are letting the side down if they decide to take a different route. Tony Blair says he wants 50% of people after A-levels to go to university by 2010. But what will this really achieve? A glut of grumpy graduates, forced to temp in shitty office jobs due to a shortage of ‘suitable’ graduate jobs. Or a nation of intellectuals who triple the UK’s GNP and restore us to our former glory as an Empire? If that’s Blair’s

masterplan then he hasn’t thought it through. The current frenzied obsession with academic learning has led to little emphasis on practical professions. We are rapidly spawning a nation of unemployed academics, often with a snobbish attitude towards those who don’t have a degree. Britain has an estimated deficit of 30,000 plumbers, as well as serious shortages of electricians, bricklayers, carpenters, and IT specialists. Plumbers can potentially earn thousands of pounds a year and many only need to work part time to earn a decent wage. And yet, by and large, I doubt many parents who expect their children to go to university would be thrilled if their son or daughter came home from school and said this was their chosen career. It has almost become the new class system in some areas of society. Your social worth is measured in academic qualifications and not wealth, (otherwise plumbers would be at the top of the pile). And the Government are encouraging this? If getting a degree is simply for the sake of getting a good job, but everyone else has degrees too and are also trying to get the same good jobs, then we are in a Catch 22 situation. The job situation is not going to improve, it’s going to get worse. And by telling people from a young age that they will have brilliant career prospects if they study hard, get good A-levels and get a degree, then you are only setting them up for a fall. Getting a degree is no longer enough.

Employers want superhuman beings who get first class honours, and who had a column in the student rag, volunteered at old people’s homes, got work experience at top companies in summer holidays, held down a part-time job, ran a society and went skydiving on their days off. Studying a degree is a brilliant opportunity if you are genuinely interested in the subject you are taking. But if you are studying for the sake of being at uni in order to get a degree then maybe you should think about other routes available. Yes, uni is great, but it’s not the be all and end all. And if at the end of three years you have a huge debt and a poor degree result, then you might start to question whether it was the right choice for you after all. I will never regret the time I spent as a student; I loved my course, the people I met and the lifestyle. People who genuinely want to be at university and enjoy it will find it one of the best times of their lives. But when reality bites and you have to find a job, even I question how worthwhile a degree is nowadays. The only jobs available without experience were office, bar and shop work, where 18-year-olds are on more money than you, and you keep quiet about having a degree, when, humiliatingly, you have to ask someone three years your junior how to work the fax machine. If the government doesn’t pull themselves together soon then graduates will be in for a rough ride. And don’t even get me started on the question of top-up fees…

Money Talks “The big differ-

ence between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less”

Brendon Francis

FACT FILE 85% of students at 30 top UK universities believe that there are an insufficient number of graduate vacancies.

Crazy careers: Christmas elf By Nicola York

W

ith the festive season fast approaching and the film release of Elf, this week Crazy Careers shows you how to become a Christmas elf. Who is it for? Anyone who has pointed ears and an unhealthy interest in Santa, reindeer and snow. Essential attributes: -A genuine belief in Santa -A willingness to relocate to Greenland -A work visa from the Greenland government -A height of no more than 4’5" -Curly pointy green shoes(these are quite fashionable at the moment so should be easily obtainable from Topshop or other high-street stores) How do I become a Christmas Elf? If you have the above essential attributes then no doubt Santa will already have sent you a letter inviting you for an interview. Useless fact: Santa celebrated his 2000th birthday in the year 2000 which makes him the same age as Jesus. This brings up some questions in my mind because when you think about it they’re never in the same place at the same time are they? Santa’s generally on TV and in story books whereas Jesus sticks to churches and the Bible mostly. Could they be the same person? (Note - these are not strictly facts; they may or may not be made up.) Where can I find further info? www.elves.r.us.com Final thoughts? This job is for life and not just for Christmas.

News in brief Fat tax

Fat Austrians might have to pay larger health service contributions because they are more likely to visit the doctors. It will apparently be calculated against the person’s Body Mass Index; the heavier the Austrian, the more they have to pay. This theory doesn’t really work with anorexic people though does it?

Don’t count your chickens…

An abattoir in Bulgaria is so short of cash that they are paying their workers in dead chickens instead of money. Nothing more to be said really, but I thought it was newsworthy and quirky so it’s in.

University flounders

A Romanian university has started selling fish in the hope of raising money. Many universities in the country have been forced into similar situations because government reforms caused full state financing to be withdrawn. This particular university came up with the idea because they specialise in carp and pike breeding. Excess fish that are bred are being sold off in the campus cafeteria. May sound strange but it’s obviously working as they are making around £7,000 a month. Cardiff Uni could breed and sell sheep to all the farmers in North Wales and use the profits to pay the abattoir workers in Bulgaria. Then the workers could send their excess chickens over for the hungry students as a thank you. Hmm… getting a bit carried away here.

Bidding farewell with bad behaviour

Workers are badly behaved on their last day in the job, according to the recruitment agency Reed. One in ten tell their boss what they really think of him/her, one in twenty get drunk and chunder and 3% leave in a huff without saying goodbye. Other outrageous last day behaviour includes making drunken advances to a manager, being sick on colleagues and challenging people to a fight. So if I quit the gair rhydd I’d tell Tristan that he looks gay when he tries to smoke, drink lots of vodka and throw up on Riath and either challenge Alex to a fight or try and sleep with him. If you have any careers or money queries or just want to comment on this page email gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk.

“Motion to Student Council: New Solus dress code”

Join the Student Council and be part of the governing body of your students’ union... and stop motions like this getting passed.

The Student Council runs your union. It is the only way that you can hold your elected officers to account. It is an ideal way of genuinely affecting how the union is run, boosting your CV, and improving your speaking skills. So next time you moan about the the Taf/O’Briens/gair rhydd think about coming along. The next meeting is Monday 7 December at 6.30pm in the Council Room.

Taf-Od

Tud 16

1 Tachwedd 2003

grtafod@cf.ac.uk

“Mae Smocio Reu yn Cool!!!” Adolygu sioe Howard Marks

Canolfan Casnewydd, 21 Tachwedd

Gan Cai Jones DYMA’R AIL DRO i mi fynd i weld Howard Marks yn perfformio ar lwyfan a’r ail dro i mi gael gwefr wrth ei weld yn mynd trwy’i bethau. Ar un pryd, Howard Marks oedd un o smyglwyr cannabis mwya’r byd. Hyd heddiw, fo ydi un o’r enwocaf. Mae o wedi bod ar restr ‘most-wanted’ degau o wledydd, ac wedi treulio blynyddoedd dan glo yn yr UDA. Ond bellach mae’r Cymro Cymraeg o’r cymoedd yn ennill ei fara menyn drwy ei sioeau llwyfan, a’r wythnos dwytha roedd o wedi cyrraedd Casnewydd. Y peth cyntaf oedd yn taro rhywun wrth gyrraedd y ganolfan oedd yr awyrgylch – mi oedd y lle yn llawn o fwg drwg a chynnyrch y gwair gwyllt. Roedd geiriau’r Super Furries yn adleisio o gwmpas yn y cefndir – "I

Howard Marks - unigryw just wanna smoke it" – a rhai pobl yn dechrau teimlo’n gysglyd. Ond buan y daeth Howard Marks allan i’r llwyfan a deffro pawb o’u trwmgwsg. Roedd yna gymeradwyo a chwibanu, a bonlleffau "You knows it" yn mynd o gwmpas gan godi amheuaeth bod aelodau o’r band GLC

yn y gynulleidfa. Bron fod Howard Marks wedi’i eni i fod ar y llwyfan – roedd o’n gyfforddus a hamddenol, yn swynol ac yn hudol. Ac yn fwy na dim, yn ddoniol. Y naill ffordd neu’r llall, mae hi’n amhosibl peidio hoffi’r dyn. Un o’i storïau gorau oedd ei bod hi’n boisbl cael high cyfreithlon drwy yfed piso carw. Un arall oedd y dylai rhywun ddefnyddio cachu llewod i godi ofn ar y cwn sy’n chwilio am gyffuriau wrth fynd trwy’r Tollau. Trwy’r cyfan, mi oedd casineb Howard Marks tuag at y llywodraeth a’u hagwedd nhw at gyffuriau yn amlwg. Mae’n credu fod gan bawb hawl a rhyddid i arbrofi – mae pob cyffur yn perthyn i fyd natur wedi’r cyfan. Mae’n credu hefyd y dylid cyfreithloni pob cyffur, er mwyn eu rheoleiddio a sicrhau mai nid y gangsters sy’n rhedeg y cyfan. Y ffordd honno, byddai cyffuriau yn saffach i bawb a llawer o broblemau troseddu yn cael eu datrys.

Anfonwch unrhyw sylwadau, llythyrau neu gyfraniadau i’r cyfeiriad e-bost newydd:

grtafod@cf.ac.uk Y Bois yn Brasil Anturiaethau Scwbi ... yn Rio

Gan Ioan Owen Cyrhaeddais gyda fy ffrind Dj Meics, yn Rio de Janero, a gwneud ein ffordd i Copacobana i ffendio lle i aros. 30 real y noson am ystafell gomiwnial, mewn hostel wrth Ysbyty D'or. Doeddwn i ddim yn disgwyl gweld yr anffodus o'r 'sbyty yn aros yno hefyd. Aethom yn syth i'r traeth, tywod melyn heb gachu ci, tonnau syrfflud, a dim smic o'r iaith fain sy'n aml ar yr awel yn Benllech a Sbaen. Pobl gyfeillgar iawn 'chan. Doedd dim hanner awr wedi pasio yn fy speedos tyn, nes i eneth mewn gwisg nofio dynnach ddod heibio i geisio sgwrsio. Doedd hi ddim yn helpu pethau mod i ddim yn siarad llawer o Bortwges. Cristiane oedd ei henw, roedd hi eisiau mi ddod i’w gweld yn dawnsio yng nghlwb cafe

Cristo ar y mynydd

Sensos am unarddeg. Swnio'n amheus, yn enwedig gan fod ganddi dri blewyn hir a chyrliog yn tyfu rhwng ei bronnau. Ar y ffordd adra, cyfarfuasom ar hap, hefo Fabio o Curitiba, ac Edwardo o Columbia. Roedden nhw'n bod yn rhy neis, roedden nhw'n trio'u lwc. Roedden nhw mor camp â Llangranog. Eniwe, ddaru nhw ddangos lle da i ni fynd am fwyd. Gymaint a fedri di fwyta am 10 real, sy'n hafal i tua dwy bunt. A cyn i chi ofyn, yr unig stwffio wnes i'r noson honno oedd wrth y bwrdd bwyd. Roedd rhaid esgus bo ni di blino er mwyn gwrthod yn garedig, y gwahoddiad i fflat yr hoywon am banad. Bora wedyn nes i gael Salgado i frecwast (rhywbeth mewn crystyn bara). Aethom i weld Cristo Redentor (Crist ar y mynydd) yn y bora i osgoi'r cymylau. Mae o'n anfarth! Ac yn edrych run funnud a'r Iesu sy'n Feibl Mawr y Plant (just bo hwn yn llwyd). Oeddech chi'n gwybod fod yno eglwys bach o dan ei draed, a dim ond priflywydd Brasil, ei wraig, a'r Pab sy'n cael ei fynychu. Ar ôl hyn es i erddi fotanyddol Rio, i weld y coed rwber, a'r 'venus fly traps'. Lle neis, ond yr ardd rosod yn pathetic! Amser te aethom i wylio gêm bêldroed yn stadiwm Maracana, lle oedd y Fflamengos yn chwarae Cruzero. Yma oedd llwyfan Ronaldo cyn iddo adael am Barca. Mae'r stadiwm yn dal 180 mil o gefnogwyr, gan mai ond 30 mil oedd yno hefo ni, roedd y lle'n edrych yn wag. Eisteddais ymysg criw o drafeilwyr oedd yn aros yn yr un hostel â ni. Roedden nhw'n mynd ar fy nerfau'n dweud, "I've

Un peth niwsans am y noson oedd y ffaith fod yna rai o’r gynulleidfa yn y cefn wedi dechrau siarad ymysg ei gilydd tua’r diwedd – typical Newport scallies meddyliodd yr adolygwr hwn. Ond chafodd Howard Marks mo’i styrbio. Ac os ydi rhywun yn cytuno efo’i safbwynt neu beidio, does yna ddim gwadu fod y sioe yn gyfle gwych i wrando ar rywun yn trafod mater difrifol mewn ffordd ddoniol a diddorol tu hwnt. A dyna ydi cyfrinach Howard Marks!

Learn and Live Dysgu Byw Some vital phrases to get the Welsh language virgin started! Gair neu ddau i helpu’r rhai ansicr eu taf-od yn y Gymraeg! If you think I’m saying this again, you can think twice, and bugger off in the bargain. Os wyt ti’n meddwl fy mod i’n dweud hyn eto, meddylia ddwywaith, a’i heglu hi i ffwrdd yn y fargen. How many eggs did you lay this morning, dear? Sawl wy wnest ti ei ddodwy bore heddiw, f’anwylyd? Has anyone seen a big tree with no branches?I seem to have lost mine. Oes rhywun wedi gweld coeden fawr heb ganghennau? Rwy’n ofni fy mod wedi colli fy un i. Hi, I’m Rupert. Haia, fi yw Rupert.

Yr olygfa o’r harbwr a’r Mynydd Siwgr done Salvador,...I've done Chile, where 'ave you done?" Di nhw ddim yn gwneud nunlla nachdi, y lle sy'n gwneud nhw mwyach. Iddewon a merched tew sydd yma. Aethom ar fws melyn i drio ffendio'r Rodovaria Novo Rio, i gael ticad bws i'r de. Ymadawsom o’r bws melyn yn rhy gynnar, a darganfod ein bod ni yng nghanol hen farchnad oedd yn drewi o biso. Roedd hen ddynion barfog heb goesau yn trio gwerthu cachu wedi'u rhostio fel salgados. Roedd 'na wynebau milain yr olwg yn edrych arna ni, pan sylweddolais ein bod ni wedi ein hamgylchynnu a ffafelas

(Shanti towns), a dim ond twnnel du drwy'r mynydd yn ddihangfa. Mae'n siwr mai'r rheswm fod neb wedi cymeryd mantais ohonom, oedd presenoldeb y chwe' heddwas hefo machine guns yn sefyllian ar y gornel. Neidiasom ar y bws melyn nesa, oedd yn mynd drwy'r twnnel. Ar y bws drwy'r dydd hefo Meics yn gwmni. Y canlyniad oedd mynd yn nuts/high heb gyffuriau. Roedd na lawer o byst pêl-droed ar ochr y lon, ar bob llain bach o dir oedd yn sbâr. Ia, roeddwn yn Brasil, ac ar y ffordd i'r de i gyfarfod fy ffrindiau. (I’w barhau...)

COLOFN Y COFI ALLTUD (IX)

WEL DYMA FI yn ôl, ond cael a chael fuodd hi hefyd. Ar ôl i Gymru golli’n erbyn Rwsia, mae holl freuddwydion bore oes wedi’u chwalu a phawb wedi bod hefo’u pennau yn eu plu drwy’r wythnos. A neb yn gwybod be ddiawl i’w wneud pan ddaw yr ha. Y drwg oedd, mi oedd y sgrifen ar y mur o’r cychwyn a’r pethau’n waeth i’r Cofi Alltud na neb. Cerdded yn ddistaw oeddwn i ar hyd y stryd ar ôl y gêm pan ddois i wyneb yn wyneb hefo tri o Rwsiaid, a’r rheini’n bethau digon peryglus yr olwg, â barnu yn ôl profiad. Ac yn ddigon chwil yr olwg hefyd, petai hi’n dod i hynny. "Hey Welshman, do you want some?" medda un ohonyn nhw gan fy stopio i rhag pasio. Symudodd cyhuriau fy nhin i erioed mor gyflym. Mi allwn i deimlo’r diwedd yn dod. Oedd hwn isio ffeit, isio cyflawni rêp, ta isio’r ddau? Tydi’r Cofi Alltud ddim yn un i weddïo, ond mewn argyfwng, mi wnaiff dyn rwpath. O Dduw holldrugarog, medda fi, achub fi rhag cam! Wel mae’n rhaid ei fod o’n gwrando, achos mi sylwais i’n sydyn mai cynnig swig o fodca oedd y diawl. "You look sad, yes," medda fo. "So drink!" "Wel Iesu, diolch yn fawr," medda fi yn fy Rwsieg gorau, ac efo ochenaid fawr o ryddhad. "Rwbath i gladdu’r siom." A chladdu hanner y botal ddaru mi hefyd, a dallt wedyn pam fod y rhain wedi gwirioni cymaint hefo’r stwff. "Wel Iesu," medda fi, "andros o fodca da ydi hwn, gyfaill." "Take more, take more," medda fo, a chymryd mwy y bu’n rhaid. Ond prin oeddwn i wedi dechrau cynhesu drwodd cyn y daeth yna gang o hwligans mwya aflan Caerdydd fel cath i gythraul rownd y gongol, a’r rheini’n chwifio batons uwch eu pennau ac yn edrych, o ddadansoddi’r sefyllfa, fel eu bod nhw’n chwilio am ffeit. Ac o fynd â’r dadansoddiad ymhellach, nid yng nghanol tri o Rwsiad meddw, efo potal o fodca yn ei law, ydi’r lle delfrydol i Gofi Alltud fod yn sefyll o dan amgylchiadau o’r fath. Yn enwedig, hynny ydi, pan y bydd hanner plismyn y ddinas yn ymddangos mewn faniau pandas o nunlla ac yn penderfynu rhoi lifft am ddim i chdi i’r jêl. "Gwranda, cwd," medda fi wrth y plisman yn y steshion. "Cymro ydw i, siwr iawn, dim Rwsiad! A Chofi Alltud hefyd, o ran hynny." "Yes, yes, he’s Welshman, yes," medda Braznikwntikov, y Rwsiad, i drio achub fy ngham, cyn dechrau bloeddio canu’n hapus braf yn gongol. A bloeddio canu y bu’n rhaid i finna – Hen Wlad fy Nhadau ddwywaith – cyn darbwyllo’r plisman nad oeddwn i’n aelod o’r KGB oedd wedi dod draw o Moscow am dro. Dim ond wedyn y cefais i fy nhraed yn rhydd a chael fy ngollwng yn ôl i’r byd gwâr. Tydi bywyd yn drysu rhywun weithia. Dwi’n mynd am beint.

gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

T

rhydd EST. 1972

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

CH

EN QU

his is the last paper before the end of term, so the gair rhydd and Quench staff would like to wish our readership a very Happy Christmas. We would also like to take this opportunity to make a vague attempt to recruit any writers, photographers, proof readers or section editors who may want to help us put together our award winning publications. gair rhydd and Quench will return to you on January 31 2003. The first editorial meetings will take place on January 19 for gair rhydd (at 1.15pm) and Quench (at 5pm), and we’re always looking for new talent. In true Have I Got News For You style, we’re all off to play Championship Manager for seven weeks. Seriously. Better put the girlfriend in storage...

Media

Page 18

December 1 2003

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

York gets double vision

Awards marred by complaints from other student papers

By Gary Andrews at Canary Wharf

Y

ork Vision completed a successful awards season by scooping best paper at the NUS/Mirror National Student Media Awards. They beat off strong competition from runners up Leeds Student and gair rhydd to add to the best paper award won at the Guardian Student Media Awards a week earlier. In addition, Vision’s editor Robert Harris was voted best reporter at both ceremonies thanks to his story “Lecturer: My child porn shame,” which covered a York lecturer who was suspended after being convicted of possessing indecent images of children. However Vision’s victories have been slammed by other student papers who complained that York only produces five editions a year. Various student journalists have accused the paper of designing the paper only for the

Last year’s ed Gemma Curtis

awards. Many of the student writers could be heard to be heckling loudly whenever members of Vision went up to collect awards. A group of leading weekly student publications are believed to be writing a letter of complaint to both the Guardian and the Mirror asking for an irregular publication category to be introduced at next year’s awards. Vision editor Robert Harris hit back at the allegations saying, "We have no sabbatical editor unlike other papers and with the resources we have it would be impossible to produce a regular paper. "It’s incredibly difficult to get resources and advertising in our position," he added. "We’re all doing full time degrees so we don’t have a lot of time." The awards ceremony was the climax of the NUS/Mirror Student Media Conference at the International Hotel earlier that day. Editors and writers from student publications all over the country attended the event, which included talks and workshops with staff from the Daily Mirror and other experts from the media industry. Highlights of the day included a Q&A session with Ryan Parry, the Mirror reporter who went undercover as a footman at Buckingham Palace to expose security gaps, and workshops with Andrew Collins of Collins and Maconie fame, who gave advice on how to interview celebrities and bands. The conference finished with student publications taking part in a panel debate on media and how it shapes public opinion, with the Mirror’s political editor, David Seymour and 3am girl Eva Simpson both involved. The evening saw the glitzy award ceremony take place in the Mirror’s Canary Wharf headquarters, with hopeful student hacks packing out the room. However, despite being nominated for two awards, best paper and best arts journalist, gair rhydd came away empty handed from the night.

gair rhydd members at the Mirror awards in London (photo: Charlotte Spratt) York Vision once again denied gair rhydd in the arts journalist category with Alex Macpherson losing out to Isobel Todd, although our deputy editor didn’t seem upset. "It was an important achievement just to make the shortlist," he said. “I predicted the winner right and I managed to have a great weekend so I’m not that fussed about it,” he added. There was disappointment too for Cardiff University postgraduate website Blunt. After their success at the Guardian Awards, they were beaten by Durham 21 who scooped the prize for

the third year running. The only paper to compete with York Vision’s haul of three awards was the Leeds Student who were nominated for seven awards and walked away with two – Kat Dibbits taking Best Fashion Writer and Allen Cooper winning Best Sports Journalist. In addition Leeds were runners up in two further categories including Best Newspaper. The University of the West of England’s Westworld made up for losing out to Portsmouth Uni’s Pugwash in the best magazine category by walk-

ing away with Best Publication Design, whilst Nottingham Trent’s Platform and the Liverpool Student were also among the winners on the night. NUS National Secretary Penny Hollings paid tribute to those attending. "I extend my congratulations to all this year’s winners and would like to pay special tribute to everyone who made the shortlist," she said. "We were astounded by the high level of the work submitted. The quality belies the limited resources the students work with and is a testament to their hard work."

Blunt surfs into first place at the Guardian awards

Media Muddle

By Will Dean Media Correspondent

Xpress Radio made an impression at the Radio 1 awards. Or to be precise, DJ Mike McCarthy did. Word is he pushed through a crowd of people surrounding Steve Lamacq in order to tell the unflappable presenter how much he loved him. To his credit Lamacq didn’t even consider taking out a restraining order, let alone calling over to the bouncers. Good on you Steve! Clearly less impressed was the Daily Mirror’s political editor, David Seymour, who was cornered by the representative from Nottingham’s People College. However, said representative clearly forgot one vital element - Nottingham’s People College doesn’t even have a newspaper. After a good few minutes of showing off Seymour put the aspiring media whore in his place. Most debauched and arrogant paper award has to go to Leeds Student whose antics in London put us at gair rhydd to shame. And we even took Riath with us!

T

he 25th annual Guardian Student Media Awards were held in London last week. Despite not being nominated for any newspaper awards, Cardiff’s post-graduate website Blunt (blunt.cf.ac.uk) took the award for best website from a very strong field of nominees. The judges described Blunt as a “refreshingly irreverent and fun site which has put a lot of thought and energy into its content.” York Vision were celebrating after scooping the prestigious Guardian Student Newspaper of the Year Award to. Commended for its "flair and presentation", Vision scooped the award for the second year in a row. Commenting on the paper’s success, Vision editor Rob Harris said, "It’s absolutely amazing. It

makes all the hard work worth it." After their success in both the Guardian Awards and the NUS/Mirror Student Media Awards, Harris spoke of his surprise at winning both. "We thought there might have been a bit of politics involved so they might not want to give them both to the same paper.” 0 Harris also went home with the Sky News reporter of the year for publishing a couple of tabloid-style exposés around campus. "It’s especially pleasing to get this awards as the stories printed were a long hard struggle," he said. "It was a struggle to get the information, then to get them printed as there were many people within the university who didn’t want these stories to come out." When asked about his hopes of success in next year’s awards, Harris pointed out that "many of us need to concen-

trate on our degrees, but who knows?" So, for the hard working scribes here at gair rhydd who amazingly find the time to both publish weekly and concentrate on their degrees, next year’s awards might be a lot more interesting. Although, unlike the Mirror awards, there wasn’t one paper that swept the board, there were some familiar names on the nomination list, such as Oxford’s Cherwell and this year’s runner up, the Warwick Boar. Other notable winners included Steve Pill from the University of Manchester’s Student Direct, who was awarded Best Critic. Thomas Whipple from the Cambridge Student won Best Student Feature Writer. Unfortunately for all you Cobley fans out there it was Ravi Somaiya from the aforementioned Student Direct who was singled out as Best Columnist. For the full list of winners, see page York Vision celebrate winning

Media

December 1 2003

Page 19

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

Xpress almost Radio No 1 Uni station close to scooping top prize at Student Awards

By Suzanne Carter

at Kings Cross, London

T

he biggest radio event in the student calendar took place last Friday and Cardiff’s award winning student radio, Xpress Radio was there. The Radio 1 Student Radio Awards is one of the most prestigious radio award ceremonies in the country, with

Best Female runner up, Claire Williams (left), with her award

winners getting the chance to have work experience at Radio 1. Set in an old Warehouse in King’s Cross, Canvas was the perfect backdrop for its stylish guests, celebrity judges and some impressive new bands making a star appearance at the awards. Ever since the first Radio awards in 1996 Xpress Radio has been ahead of the game. Kevin Hughes, who now currently runs his own show on BBC Wales, was the first Best Male winner, and last year Xpress had a spectacular broadcast which led to a fantastic run of 10 nominations, the most any student station has ever picked up. Sadly Xpress Radio didn’t make it two years in a row, with only four nominations compared to the evenly spread leading nominations of RaW (University of Warwick) and Demon FM (De Montfort University) both leading the way with five nominations each. However Xpress Radio still managed to walk away with two awards, including bronze for Best Station. Claire Williams also won silver for Best Female. Claire, who now presents her own show twice a week on The Wave in Swansea, said she was ecstatic with the award: "I never expected to be nominated. In fact Hiten, our old station manager, entered me, so when I heard I was nominated down to the last six I was thrilled, and actually getting silver was amazing.” Although Xpress Radio dropped a position from last year from Silver to Bronze for Best Station, last year’s Station Manager, Hiten Vaghmaria,

Xpress Radio members at the awards: Doing their best to take advantage of free booze. said that Xpress did very well against the competition: "Student Radio is one of the best ways to get into the radio industry and there is so much competition from the talent that’s

“Xpress Radio did very well against the competition” Hiten Vaghmaria, Xpress Station Manager 2002-03

around.” Even though Xpress Radio were disappointed compared to last years results, the ceremony of free unlimited booze (if you like Budweiser) and seeing bands Chikinki and Aqualung performing live on stage only to a select few people more than made up for the disappointment. Introducing the ceremony for the forth time was the award winning Radio 1 Sunday Surgery presenter, Emma B, still looking good after being off air due to her pregnancy for a whole year. This year’s awards were completely different to the last minute rush of the ceremony in Goldsmith’s

University last year. Everyone whose anyone to do with the radio industry was there from Steve Lamacq right down to veteran of the charts Mark Goodier and new BBC 6 host, Craig Charles who proved that he’s just as funny as a presenter as an actor. But the star of the night was new Radio 1 chart presenter Wes Butters, who really showed why they gave Mark the old boot. But I did have to wonder whether there might have been a little bit of banter behind the scenes between the two celebrity chart presenters. Bring on the celebrity chart match!

List-o-rama

Runner up: Fiona Campbell, London College of Printing

The Complete List of Winners and Runners-up at the 2003 Guardian Student Media Awards Student newspaper of the year Winner: York Vision, University of York Runner up: Warwick Boar, University of Warwick Student magazine of the year Winner: Student BMJ, University of Southampton Runner up: Pugwash, University of Portsmouth Sky News student reporter of the year Robert Harris, York Vision, University of York Student feature writer of the year Winner: Thomas Whipple, The Cambridge Student, University of Cambridge Runner up: Clare Bevis, The Oxford Student/Isis, University of Oxford Student photographer of the year Winner: Ryan Li, Cherwell, University of Oxford

Student website of the year Winner: Blunt, Cardiff University Runner up: Wessex Scene, University of Southampton Student critic of the year Winner: Steve Pill, Student Direct, University of Manchester Runner up: Andrzej Lukowski, Leeds Student, University of Leeds Student sports writer of the year Winner: Will White, Student, University of Edinburgh Runner up: Richard Kimber, The Cambridge Student, University of Cambridge Student columnist of the year Winner: Ravi Somaiya, Student Direct, University of Manchester Runner up: Iain Hollingshead, Varsity, University of Cambridge EasyJet student travel writer of the year Winner: Jon Bentham, York Vision, University of York Runner up: Jeremy Lemer, The Cambridge Student, University of Cambridge For more information about the awards log on to guardian.co.uk/media.

Free Stuff

December 1 2003

Page 21

grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk

grab!

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” George W Bush

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! For those of you who thought I couldn’t top the great prizes of the last two weeks, well, I say to you... you’re kind of right. But you can’t complain about free alcohol and Christmas Ball tickets, can you? To enter any of the competitions on this page, write your answers and details on a postcard, a slip of paper or a fifty pound note, and drop them into the Competitions pigeonhole in the gair rhydd office, or email them to grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk.

Shocking behaviour on the streets of Cardiff

There was a buzz of uncontained anticipation in the gair rhydd office; sociology professors nationwide waited with baited breath for the results; and After Shock rubbed their hands together with smug gratification that they may have inadvertently stumbled on the greatest marketing campaign since ‘Kids’ll do anything for Dairylea Slices’. For last Tuesday saw the launch of Shocking Behaviour. Armed with a bottle of Aftershock, a list of dirty deeds and a camera, I took to the streets of Cardiff (well, the union steps to be precise – any further from

the office and I’d have had to claim travel expenses). With my compatriot and After Shock representative Leon, I set out in my noble experiment to discover just what lengths the students of this alcoholloving capital will go for free booze. Many breezed straight past, convinced that there must be some sort of catch, refusing to believe that we were just giving away free After Shock. Others took one look at the tasks and admitted, with some selfdeprecation, that they simply did not have the bottle. Then brave Ally White stepped up. She’d clearly smelt the liquor from some distance and the look of determination on

her face told me she would not be perturbed by any tasks that I would throw in front of her. Cut to five minutes later and Ally is squatting in a cardboard box at the top of the union steps at rush hour, wearing an After Shock cap and replying to any inquisitive remarks from strangers with only a hand gesture, showing her palm, which bears a picture of a bottle of After Shock. She’s finding it difficult to believe just how long five minutes is when you’re alone in a box, the traitors you call your friends standing well away pointing and laughing, encouraging strangers to approach you, knowing full well that you are not allowed to talk. Her respect for David Blaine

Balls out for Christmas This year’s Christmas Ball promises to be a cracker with a top line-up featuring Lisa Maffia, Tim Westwood, Judge Jules, Richie Neville and the great Toy Mic Trevor. It all happens on Thursday December 11 and we’re informed tickets are selling well, so get your arses to the box office before it’s too late. Tickets are £12.50. Alternatively, we’re giving away two pairs each week until the event. Just take the first letter of the answer to each of the following eight questions and spell something to do with the ball. Email the answer to the grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk or drop it in my pigeonhole. The questions:

ALCOHOLIC RATING:

Ally had the bottle. Have you? We’ll be at the same place this Tuesday from 1pm looking for more Shocking Behaviour. Each week, we’re giving away a free bottle of After Shock and a goody bag, plus the eternal pride of having your photo in grab!

What’s it all about?

Each week on this page I ask my good readers questions, giving them the chance to win prizes if their knowledge can equal mine. People say to me: “Do you not get fed up with knowing all the answers? Does it not magnify your sense of grandeur and superiority and give you the impression that you are the fountain of all wisdom?” Well yeah, I guess it does. Which is why I’ve decided to raise questions that even I don’t know the answers to, and at the same time highlight serioius concerns about the state of the world today.

1. Who recorded the jolly Christmas song Tommy? (The answer’s in the question, fools!)

Why are runners so fascinated by their knees at the end of races?

2. Which Premiership side are nicknamed the Toffee Men?

If a kingdom is ruled by a king, a principality by a prince, and an empire by an emperor, is that why America is known as a country?

3. What do you get if you mix vodka, coffee liqueur, Amaretto and Irish cream? 4. Who wrote the films True Romance and From Dusk Till Dawn? 5. Which forthcoming tennis film from the makers of Love Actually and Four Weddings stars Kirsten Dunst, Paul Bettany and your very own grab! editor?

Why was our office put on the top floor of the union when journalists are so notoriously lazy?

6. How many UK number ones did Buddy Holly have? 7. What’s the capital of Canada?

Is Mel shagging Des?

8. Which cruel Channel 4 Friday night quiz show presented by Jimmy Carr has seen contestants answering questions whilst urinating, eating maggots and being fired by a paintball gun (not all at the same time)?

Livefree4aweek.net

has risen somewhat. But when five minutes is called, Ally emerges from her Box of Shame with the last laugh. When asked how she feels, she replies simply, “Proud”. And so she should be.

WINNER OF THE WEEK JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

This week we salute Justin Trousersnake, or should that be Trouserworm? Not according to his grandmother, who defended Britney’s suggestion that her grandson has a small penis, saying “I can assure you there’s nothing wrong with him physically.” Personally, I’d take the This week’s winner is Gavin Ruck, who’s studying for tiny todger over my dirty incesa diploma in public services at College Glan Hafren tuous grandmother admitting I regularly flash at her. Filth.

When something is ‘new and improved’, which is it?

WIN! FAME

By being incredibly dense and selling your soul to a third rate reality show, talking rubbish and showing your flabby kebab. If the fame starts to dwindle, you can always refuel by swapping partners with a couple of equally retarded posh cheats. It worked for Jade, why not try it?

POST-MATCH ANALYSIS

Last week’s answers and winners TIME OF DEFIANCE ANSWER: I personally liked William Wormald’s idea of Death Idol. But ‘yes’ or ‘no’ was also accepted! WINNER: William Wormald RUNNERS-UP: Tim Allen, Bhavin Bhuptani, Chee Ho and Tim Clark. SING WHEN YOU’RE WINNING ANSWER: Without Me WINNER: Annie Robinson AFTERSHOCK COMP ANSWER: Transvestite WINNER: Nicola Tanner Winners will be contacted by email when their prizes are ready for collection

You didn’t really think we were giving you the answers did you? Sorry bud, it doesn’t work like that. To humour you though, have some random scrawl: a.6; b.Eggs; c.14; d.Michael Barrymore’s swimming pool; e.36DD f. Don’t know

Television

December 1 2003

Page 23

jinglealltheway@cf.ac.uk

Your essential guide to this week’s TV 1 December to 7 December

What’s in your stockings? TV Desk reach in their bulging sacks to bring you the tastiest Xmas treats

HOT Xmas shopping There’s nothing better than hunting for something you know your loved ones will enjoy while keeping an eye out for that elusive Johnny Cash box set you want for yourself. Nothing gets you in the mood for Xmas more than buying presents and sharing the love of the season.

SOAPS Hello my little biscuits. I am getting very spiritually enlightened just in time for Christmas with Jonathan, the ‘Life Mechanic’. Just what the scriptwriters of Neighbours are up to I have no idea. However, I do find this storyline quite hilarious, mainly because it is more random than the Mob one. And is much better than the shitty saga of Steph and Max’s love life. Let’s face it, Max looks like Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s ginger cousin, and this doesn’t make him a minge-magnet. Over on EastEnders, the only other soap I ever bother to watch, I have no idea what’s going on. But I am gearing up for the trauma of the Christmas episode: lesbian snogs, weddings and bust-ups (no, not Lisa walking into things). Happy Christmas! Love TV Holly.

Hello and happy Christmas! That’s about the least lewd greeting you’ll ever get from us, so savour it. If you would like to donate something delightful to TV Desk for their incomparable help and advice on what to watch over the last term, you only need venture as far as the fourth floor of the Union. TV Fuck would like Blue Nun and Old Tart to fuel his nights of debauchery, I would like seethrough knickers with a built-in vibrator (they do exist - I saw them in my dad’s magazine), and TV Andy would like a bigger hard disk for more porn storage. Thanks! And also, if the people who sent me such a delighful text message last week would like to meet me, then do pop in... Innovation Nation (Wednesday BBC1 7pm), despite its catchy jingly-jangly title, is crap. But since Christmas time is almost here, let’s take time to spare a though for the less fortunate among us. Specifially, the morons on this show that think that their three “innovative” inventions are going to make them millionaires but are almost certain to make them paupers, and they’ll come back to begging at Ebeneezer BBC’s door come Yuletide asking to borrow a fiver. If you want to know, the three creations of crap that they’re trying to plug are: an oversized pair of swimming goggles which are about as effective as a full size diving helmet and look like they weigh about the same, but apparently t h e y

DIGITAL WATCH Hello cherubim. If you are at all interested in Pop Idol - well, some people have to be - then ITV2 is the channel to have. TV Fuck reckons that the geek who looks like Jimmy Carr is the one to win. I think he means the one who is/was a vicar, but I can’t be sure because I haven’t seen this since the summer. Gah, it’s been going on ages, hasn’t it? Anyway, I do know that Suzanne is a twat who can’t sing and thinks she has an ‘original’ image but is actually extremely bland. And Simon Cowell likes her, which is of course a bad thing. And anyone who Neil ‘Dr’ Fox likes deserves to die also. So all in all, we hate every single one of the wannabe whores. There’s the fat one with a good voice who won’t win because it’s hoaxed, and Sam who heat like but is unfortunately evil, because he is a Busted loser. Hmm, so much talent! Anyway, if you are genuinely interested, then you want to see Pop Idol Extra with the chipmunk-faced Kate Thornton on Saturday at 5.25pm, 8pm and 9.35pm. But if all this is putting you off your turkey (gobble, gobble), then Sky 1 yet again comes to the rescue with its deluge of smut and soft porn. For example, the eloquently named Thanks for the Mammaries (Saturday, 1.50 am) brings our attention to the bounciest of female anatomy, whilst the stalwarts When Sex Goes Wrong (Saturday, 11pm) and Double Entry (2.40 am) will see you through the night. Have a long wank in your mince pies. Lots of love from TV Holly xxxxxxxxxx

don’t leak. Yeah nice one, nor do the goggles I bought on the seafront on the Isle of Wight. There’s also a pen that you have to hold diagonally in order to use it, and a garish blue and green eyesore which doubles up as a collapsible bin. Cretins. But merry Crimbo and good luck, guys! Oh fuck it, it’s Christmas, so watch The Christmas Show (Weekdays ITV1 5pm) and then fuck off. Love John xxx The Osbournes is back! (Friday, 9.30pm Channel 4/10.30pm S4C). Maybe it’s not worth getting too excited about, but I can’t help being drawn to this. Mainly because Jack and Kelly - spoilt munters as they are - remind me of how I would like to squabble with my sib-

lings. No, really. They don’t give a shit about being highly offensive/physically impairing, and that makes me wish I could fight like that. Me and my siblings just poke each other a bit (you rascals, not like that). I can’t help being sensitive. As a youth, I used to cry in butcher’s shops. Anyway, there’s something very cathartic about watching other’s family feuds. Makes you realise that you’re far too lazy to cause family fights, especially over Christmas. Doesn’t it? Ooh, I feel all warm inside. Oh, actually that was just my arse getting too close to the radiator. Happy Christmas! Love from TV Holly (again) xxxxxxxxxxxxx TV Andy’s jingling balls here, still fresh and eager to bring you the love. My picks are all for Wednesday this week when 4 Music indulges us in a fantastic line up of late night TV. First up is Sound Travels (0.55am) which traces the legendary PJ Harvey from her roots in the west country to New York which heavily influenced her most recent album Stories From The City, Stories From The Sea. Next it’s the debut of Rather Good Videos (1.20am) which is brought to you by the man behind all those great animations, games and pictures that take up your time on the internet. Finally the amazing Mr Scruff gets his own documentary entitled No Pies For 200 Yards (1.45am) which should be fantastic. Get there now music lovers! xxx

VIDEOS TO RENT:BUY When MTV debuted in the early 80s few could have imagined that music videos would become an art form in their own right, giving us innovators, auteurs and geniuses using multi-million dollar budgets to promote pop. Out of the pack of fantastic video artists rise three names to look out for: Chris Cunningham, Michel Gondry and Spike Jonze. With most of their work unavailable to the common man it’s with a huge grin that Palm Pictures finally bring us The Directors’ Label, a series of DVDs collecting the best work of these artists and adding a whole heap of extras. Cunningham is famous for his notorious videos for Aphex Twin and Squarepusher which both shocked and amazed in equal amounts. Gondry is the genius behind the White Stripes “Lego” video for Fell In Love With A Girl and Massive Attack’s classic Protection. Spike Jonze however has graduated to feature films (Adaptation), but his promos for the Beastie Boys and Fatboy Slim will remain genre classics. Stunning, moving and thoroughly entertaining, these three DVDs are an essential purchases for anyone who enjoys pop promos at their very best.

NOT Xmas shopping There’s nothing worse than trudging round overcrowded shops, fighting people for bits of cheap tat before discovering that your sister already owns a Jackhammer Jesus dildo already and Ann Summers doesn’t do returns. Bah, humbug and bollocks to the whole affair.

SPORT Back to routine, then... Well, yes, after the nerve-jangles of Euro qualifiers and rugby World Cup WINS, we’re back to avoiding the Snooker final (Sunday, BBC2 8pm) and watching the usual Saturday rigmarole of Football Focus (BBC1, 12.10pm), On The Ball (ITV1, 1.40pm) and The Premiership (ITV1, 10.30pm). Yawn yawn.

FILMS Classic Peter Sellers comedy I’m All Right Jack is screened on C4 on Friday. A true blue British comedy classic it sees Ian Carmichael as an upper class twit who ends up lodging with his boss Peters. Full of old British luvvie cameos and daft as a brush; you can’t do much better at 12.45pm, can you?

RADIO The world’s most stupid idea comes to Radio 2. Evidently nobody told the bright spark behind The Music Box (Saturday 9pm) that documentaries about music videos are going to be more than slightly limited, given that you won’t be able to see any of them. But still, everyone loves music videos, and whether you like it or not, they’re very VERY responsible for the success of singles these days. For instance, where would Electric 6 be without their oh-so-hilarious Abe Lincoln parody? Although if it hadn’t been for the music video, we’d never have fucking heard of Tenacious D, and for that I renounce the entire medium. This programme finds time for Michael Jackson, and if you’ve been keeping up with TV Desk in recent weeks, you know we ALWAYS have time for him. And so should you.

Television

Page 24

December 1 2003

riathsragweek@cf.ac.uk

Monday 1 December BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Boo! 15.35 Bob the Builder 15.45 CBBC: Stuart Little 16.05 Metalheads 16.20 Eureka TV 16.35 Jackie Chan Adventures 17.00 Blue Peter The first advent candle is lit, then forcibly inserted into Richard Bacon, John Leslie and Janet Ellis’ anuses in an attempt to boost Konnie’s morale. “See, it could be worse!” 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Nina learns of Jack's betrayal. Jack, you’re just greedy, you voracious pig-bottom. Susan is surprised when Lou judges her harshly, and is left bleeding for days. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Holiday 2004 19.30 X Ray 20.00 EastEnders News of Phil's plight reaches the Square. Expect Dot to spout something from Ecclesiastes. 20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 Merseybeat 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Trail of Guilt: Without Words 23.15 FILM: The Last Seduction **** 01.00 Sign Zone: A Life of Grime 01.35 Sign Zone: Celebrity Dog School 02.05 Time Flyers 02.35 Sign Zone: The Blue Planet 03.25 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Yoho Ahoy 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Rotten Ralph 07.30 I Love Mummy 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Raven 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies Count to Christmas; The Story Makers 08.55 Pingu 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Wide Eye 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Andy Pandy 10.25 Stingray 10.50 English Express 11.10 Megamaths 11.30 Let's Write a Story 11.50 Social Inclusion 12.10 Around Scotland 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures 13.30 Wildlife on Two 14.00 FILM: Bachelor Knight **** 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 Time Commanders 19.30 Landscape Mysteries: The Terraces of Avalon 20.00 Theatre of Dreams 20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Room 101 This week Ross Noble tries to get Craig David and Christian rock banished. Let’s hope he does. 21.30 Absolute Power 22.00 Little Britain 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Gerald Scarfe: Drawing Blood 00.15 What the Romans Did for Us 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Civil War 01.00 Ever Wondered? 01.30 Open Advice: A Different Way of Learning 02.00 Secondary Schools - Geography: Mapping of Crime/Living with Globalisation 04.00 Languages: Working with the Spanish/Working with the Japanese 05.00 Confidence

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 Prized Possessions 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Boohbah 15.30 All Grown Up! 16.00 All Grown Up! 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 The Christmas Show 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Marlon faces the prospect of setting up home with his wife and his pregnant lover. Eugh, pregnant women have loose minges. Don’t do it, Marlon! Siobhan is stunned to discover that Ronnie is offering more than just a shoulder to cry on. He’s offering felching sessions too. 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street Sarah and Todd resort to drastic action to put an end to Brenda's interference. Get them and their dramatic ways. 21.00 Between the Sheets there are scabies samples, herpes crusts, a bit of jizz and the remains of a brown shower. 22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 The Frank Skinner Show 23.20 The Premiership on Monday 00.20 Champions League Weekly 00.50 Football League Extra 01.30 Today with Des and Mel 02.15 Now and Again 03.00 Entertainment Now! 03.25 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 03.50 Get Stuffed! 04.00 ITV Nightscreen

BBC 3

ITV 2

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Jamiroquai Re:covered 19.30 SAS: Are You Tough Enough? 20.00 Liquid News with Vernon Kay. Poor Vernon, he looks a bit ill. Maybe it’s his extremely long cock that snakes down his trousers that is debilitating him of any other power. 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 Liquid Assets: Keanu Reeves' Millions 22.00 EastEnders Phil's fears are deepened when he realises the full implications of his loss. “No! My last hair has gone!” 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Monkey Dust 23.30 Gimme Gimme Gimme 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 Liquid Assets: Keanu Reeves' Millions 01.25 Little Britain 01.55 Monkey Dust 02.25 Dreamspaces 02.55 Art in the City 03.25 Liquid News

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Airline 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Airline 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Confessions I fancy TV John. 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Airline 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies Now 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 Champions League 21.00 Take My Mother-inLaw I prefer necrophilia. 22.00 Million Dollar Babes 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.00 SWAT: The Movie 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.20 Late Show with David

Take My Mother-InLaw ITV2 9pm

G-String Divas five 12.35am

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Caleb 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Bibi 13.15 A Place in the Sun 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Troeon Tristan 16.15 Planed Plant: Dennis a Dannedd 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra Siwan tries to ease her conscience. “But it was only me and my cucumber...how bad can that look?” Cheryl and Karl face an important decision, but decide that their original plan of buying a boat and turning into a floating brothel is the best thing they’ve thought up all year. Beats the ‘ribbing on a rollercoaster’ plan they had the year before anyway. 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Cefn Gwlad: Glyn Jones 20.30 Y Ffair Aeaf 21.00 Pobol y Cwm A last chance for Kelly, as she duets with Ozzy in a desperate attempt to swipe the Christmas number 1. 21.30 Sgorio 22.35 No Going Back: Return to the French Alps 23.35 V Graham Norton 00.15 Ancient Egyptians 01.15 Will and Grace 01.40 Will and Grace 02.05 FILM: Orphans *** 04.00 Ysgolion

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.25 Life Blood 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: The World's Oldest Living Bridesmaid All about me. I never want to get married. What’s the point when there is knob rot on tap in the union? ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Kirsty goes to extreme lengths to secure her future, and sells pictures of her minge covered in marmalade to Enrique Iglesias. Maybe. 18.30 Family Affairs Pete is questioned by the police about Roy's death. It’s always the quiet ones. 19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys 20.00 Building the Ultimate 20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 FILM: Universal Soldier II: Brothers in Arms ** 22.45 FILM: Twist of Fate ** 00.35 G-string Divas It’s back! I make a guest appearance. 01.10 NFL Update 02.00 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 02.50 2003 Winter X Games 03.30 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.20 Argentinian Football

E4

SKY 1

C4

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends Rachel and Phoebe compete to be Monica's maid of honour, and tussle in egg white to vie for her attention. This series will do anything to be watched. 17.30 Friends 18.00 Good Morning Miami 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Dawson's Creek 22.00 Sex and the City 22.30 Little Friends 23.05 The Bronx Bunny Show 23.35 Porn: A Family Business: Las VegASS A tenpart documentary chronicling the life of porn producer and director Adam Glasser. Adam takes on the role of presenter at the Adult Video Awards in Las Vegas. Starring TV Andy as Butt Beauty 2003. 00.15 V Graham Norton 00.50 The Salon 01.20 Hollyoaks 01.50 Dawson's Creek 02.40 Sex and the City 03.10 The Bronx Bunny Show

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Earth Angel ** 16.00 Relic Hunter I search in vain for a neanderthal cock. 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Stephen King's Carrie 22.20 Uncut! Kirsty's Home Videos 22.50 South Park Mr Hankey turns up to celebrate Christmas in South Park. But Kyle's mother objects to his participation because he is Jewish. “Classic.” 23.20 Star Trek: The Next Generation 00.20 The X Files 01.20 Angel 02.15 JAG 03.05 South Park 03.30 Cops 03.55 British Tribes 04.45 Dirty Money 05.10 Guilty!

As S4C, except: 06.00 The Trap Door 09.30 4Learning: You Looking at Me? 10.45 Animated Tales of the World. 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 Marchen und Geschichten. 11.40 Think Business. 12.30 Cheers 13.00 FILM: The Pure Hell of St Trinian's ** 14.45 Fifteen to One 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Turner Prize 20.00 Salvage Squad: Gyroplane 21.00 Brinks-Mat: The Greatest Heist Conclusion to a two-part documentary on the infamous heist of November 1983. Watch in the hope that you may work out where the gold is... 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 FILM: Gattaca *** 00.40 FILM: Get Real ** 02.40 Do I Love You? Er, no. You smell like come and you read TV listings. Bad idea... 03.55 Hair: It's All Good 04.00 4Learning: Number Crew 2. 5.40 Making It.

Monday 1 December

Television

December 1 2003

Page 25

aheartthesizeofahorse@cf.ac.uk

Tuesday 02 December BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 15.45 CBBC: Stuart Little 16.05 Metalheads With Fred Durst and Jonathan Davis from Korn. 16.20 Watch My Chops 16.35 The Queen's Nose 17.00 SMart 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Susan and Karl discover a message from the past hidden in their house. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Hopefully it’ll be one of Karl “Zimmerman” Kennedy’s early demos with The Right Presciption. 18.00 BBC News 8.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders 20.00 Holby City 21.00 Living without a Memory Documentary about people who have lost the ability to remember anything. Debbie, Sally and George talk about their experiences. How, exactly? If they don’t have the ability to remember anything how can they talk or eat, or even remember they don’t even have a memory? 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 Hand of God Michael Buerk meets Baywatch star Pamela Anderson who believes God is happy with her provocative roles. 23.55 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 00.25 FILM: Small Faces ****

06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Snailsbury Tales 07.30 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Raven 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies Count to Christmas; The Story Makers 08.55 Pingu 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Bob the Builder 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Andy Pandy 10.25 Stingray 10.50 BBC Primary History 11.10 Watch 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures 13.30 The Good Life 14.00 am.pm 15.00 Delia's How to Cook 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 TOTP 2 Featured artists include Tori Amos who sucks. Cue comment from Deputy Editor: “Pthb, I’m sure she only sucks in the good way.” 18.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer Xander dates a girl who is impressed by his knowledge of ropes. Fnarrr with a capital F. 19.30 Time Flyers: Millionaire Monks Another weird sounding programme adding to theme of the evening. 20.00 Days That Shook the World: Hitler's Last Hours Series recalling history's defining moments. A dramatisation recreating the events in Hitler's bunker leading up to his suicide on April 30 1945. Even more joyous than the countdown to Christmas. 20.30 Royal Gardeners 21.00 Living the Dream Revisited 21.50 Ancient Voices 22.00 Can't Take It with You 22.30 Newsnight

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 Prized Possessions Mine: My tape collection, my Ikea snake, my cat Count Grishnack, the cigarettes in my pocket, and my potential inheritance. 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 What about Mimi? 16.00 Jungle Run 16.30 Pirate Islands 17.00 The Christmas Show Oooh Christmas! This appears to be some completely lame Richard and Judy-tastic current affairs-lite and crapulent music shindig, under the pretence of it being in the same thirty day period as Christmas. Hopefully celebrity advent calendar action. With Jesus Christ. 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 20.00 Holiday Hospital Palma Documentary about a hospital in Majorca, which looks after dickheaded Brits who fall off balconies and get posioned by foam in nightclubs. Don’t bother, is my response. Let them die. 21.00 Take My Mother-inLaw 22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 FILM: End of Days Intriguingly prophetic film title, if you happen to live in California. With Arnold Schwarzenegger. *** 00.50 Great Escapes 01.20 Great Escapes 01.45 Today with Des and Mel 02.35 World Sport 03.00 Football League Extra 03.35 World Football 04.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Living Without a Memory BBC1 9pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 Ysgolion 11.45 Bobinogi 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Wil Cwac Cwac 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Pei Pwmpen 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Dic a Dei a Delyth 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Fifteen to One 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Cawl Potsh 16.25 Planed Plant: Mas Draw 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Macs and Emma go to the cinema. Urgh! Emma is his brother’s girlfriend, and he’s a skanky acne-ridden scumbag. Nothing new in Cwmderi then. 20.25 Y Ffair Aeaf 21.00 Wawffactor! 21.45 Naw Tan Naw Sitcom set in a Denbighshire supermarket. Hilarious already! 22.15 Treflan 23.15 V Graham Norton 23.55 The Importance of Being Famous With Piers Moron. Famous people can fuck off. Basically, the more people you expose yourself to, the more people are going to like you, and the more people aren’t going to like you. So in conclusion, expect what you get, what you get deserves to be hate, and get the fuck out of my way. 00.55 Iran Undercover: Inside the Revolution 01.55 The Theory of Everything

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.25 Life Blood 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.35 FILM: Columbo: Rest in Peace, Mrs Columbo *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Yasmin prepares to open her beauty salon. I’ve not heard it called that before, but fnarr. 19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys 20.00 Dumber and Dumber 2 20.30 Britain's Worst Celebrity Driver 21.00 CSI: Miami 21.55 five news 22.00 FILM: Interview with a Vampire “So, TV John, when did you decide to become a world famous TV ‘critic?’” “Well, it all came about when deputy editor Alex went to see Tori fucking Amos in January, and I filled in and talked about Slayer a lot. It was such a rousing success, got invited on a permanent basis in September.” “Fascinating! Any ambitions aside from gair rhydd for the future?” “God, no.” 00.20 La Femme Nikita 01.15 NFL

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Liberty X Re:covered Performing Just A Little and a cover of Radiohead’s High And Dry which will probably be better because Radiohead are boring. 19.30 SAS: Are You Tough Enough? 20.00 Liquid News With Martin Fry, who I’m sure is the singer from ABC, and what contribution he has to Liquid News, is beyond me, but it’s judged significant enough for him to be booked as a guest in advance. Hopefully, he’ll talk about Lexicon Of Love, which, in my field as both a student of linguistics, and a professor of love, is my bible. 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Monkey Dust 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 EastEnders 23.00 Desirability 23.30 Vinnie: Today Watford, Tomorrow LA And the day after, the shit heap. 00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 Little Britain

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Ask a Silly Question 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Chart Choice 20.00 The World's Most Dangerous Roads 21.00 FILM: Best Defense* 22.50 World's Greatest Hoaxes Probably not including the people at my secondary school who still think I appeared on Knightmare, although it should do, because they seriously bought every word of it. 23.45 Jerry Springer 00.35 Late Show with David Letterman 01.30 The John Walsh Show Who? 02.15 Teleshopping 03.15 Trisha 04.15 Trisha Extra 04.40 Movies Now 04.50 Judge Judy

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Good Morning Miami 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Dawson's Creek Joey and Eddie face up to their true emotions and the obstacles they must overcome in order to be together. Oh fuck off you wet adolescents and get over your fucking problems? What obstacles do you have to overcome anyway? Is Eddie a goat? Do you have to break this news to your parents? Is the problem that Joey can’t open her mouth without vomiting over her breasts? What with all the bleating and screaming Ruth, it’s small wonder there’s plenty of true emotions going about. Joey probably couldn’t even fit the word “no” to Eddie’s advances amidst the chunks of milkshake’n’fries spilling on to her already-stained mammaries. 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 The West Wing 22.00 Sex and the City 22.35 Daisy Daisy 23.05 The Bronx Bunny Show 23.40 V Graham Norton 00.15 The Salon 00.45 Hollyoaks 01.15 The West Wing 02.10 Sex and the City 02.40 Daisy Daisy 03.10 The Bronx Bunny Show The Black Heart Procession are ace.

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Relic Hunter 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: The Moving of Sophia Myles *** Chris Moyles more like. 16.00 Relic Hunter 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation. 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 Stephen King's Carrie Not the amazing original film with Sissy “I look mental and therefore was the obvious choice for the role” Spacek, but some guaranteed-to-be-awful made-for-TV adaption, of which this is apparently part two. As someone who’s wanted the powers of telekinesis for Christmas every year since I was five, I’m inherently jealous of the girl, and won’t be watching this. And better than Matilda anyday. 22.30 Secrets of Psychics “Our power is pathetic compared to that of the telekinetics” Psychics. 23.30 Star Trek: The Next Generation 00.30 The X Files 01.30 Angel 02.25 JAG 03.20 Cribs 03.30 Cops 03.55 Dead Like Me 04.45 Dirty Money

As S4C except: 06.00 The Trap Door 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Jamaica. 9.45 Tales from Wales. 10.00 Losing It. 10.25 The Penneys. 10.50 Number Crew 2. 11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 Controversial Issues Abortion: It’s up to the people involved but personally they can get bent. Michael Jackson: Big old freak but with a good heart, if not a good hand. Asylum seekers: let them stay! Who gives who the rights to decide who can walk and live on a piece of land or not? Gays in the navy: a bit like saying “hens in a hen house” and there’s nothing wrong with that. 11.50 National Gallery 11.55 Tate Modern. 12.30 Cheers 12.55 Cheers 13.20 FILM: Miranda ** 14.45 Fifteen to One 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Turner Prize People's Poll 20.00 Property Ladder 21.00 The Importance of Being Famous 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Iran Undercover: Inside the Revolution 23.45 The Armando Iannucci Shows 00.20 The Secret Life of Us 01.20 The Corner 02.25 Enterprise 03.10 Stargate SG-1 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Number Crew 1. 5.40 Making It. Mysterious figure in the office wearing a 3 Colours Red T-shirt. No-one can think of controversial issues.

The Worlds Most Dangerous Roads ITV2 8pm

Tuesday 25 November

Television

Page 26

December 1 2003

afestivecunttoallourreaders@cf.ac.uk

Wednesday 1 December BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Stuart and Taj have a major breakthrough and Harold feels the strain. Looks like buggery all round today on the street. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Innovation Nation 19.30 Animal Hospital Rolf meets a cat with a shocking taste for electric wires. However the footage of his electric pussy has to be shown after the watershed. 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20.00 Jungle: Underworld Now there’s a blatant lie. Underworld were house, techno and occasionally trance, not hardcore d’n’b. Then again Pearl’s Girl had pretty rampagin’ beats... 21.00 Body Snatchers Arrrgh! I watched this last night and nearly threw up everywhere due to the vile nature of the parasites it featured. Lets hope there’s nothing as bad as the man with the 13cm fish up his cock... 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 High Hopes 23.05 Imagine 23.55 Cher: The Farewell Tour What is she dead already? I do hope so. 00.55 FILM: On the Line ** 02.40 Sign Zone 04.10 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies 07.00 CBBC 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies Count to Christmas; The Story Makers 08.55 Pingu 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 The Koala Brothers 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10.35 Stingray 11.00 What the Victorians Did for Us 11.30 am.pm 13.00 Wildlife on Two 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 Tennis 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons Marge enjoys the pleasures of driving a sports utility vehicle. Homer’s got her some love eggs then. 18.20 TOTP 2 With Alison Moyet, The Lemonheads, Andrew Gold and Echo & The Bunnymen. What’s the bet the imaginative bastards pick Mrs Robinson again... 18.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer Principal Wood gives some of his mother's possessions to Buffy, including a box containing a puppet show that opens a portal, a tub of Vaseline and a large zucchini. 19.30 Sunny Delight - A Juicy Tale 20.00 What Not to Wear 21.00 The Million Pound Property Experiment 22.00 The Office “He’s a weird little bloke, look at his cartoon face and his hair-he looks like a Fisher Price man, his rubbish clothes. Makes me think there’s something wrong with you for a start, but yet in my head, I’d still do you, so I’m confused. Alright, I’ll ask you straight. Is there anything that could happen between us two while this is going on?”“Like what?” “What, specifically?”“Yeah.” “Handjob?” Classic. 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Planet English

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 Prized Possessions 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Boohbah 15.35 The Flintstones 16.05 Art Attack 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 The Christmas Show 18.00 HTV News 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street Sarah has a stunning revelation for Todd. Hopefully it’s 6ft, blonde with huge norks and goes like an express train. 20.00 The Bill As Gina finds out the truth about Gabriel, June is putty in his hands. FNARR! Sometimes this job is too easy - draw your own perverted conclusions - you’ve had 11 weeks of this. 21.00 Taggart 22.30 ITV News at Ten 23.00 TV's Naughtiest Blunders 23.30 Men in Tights 00.30 Redcoats 00.55 SWAT: The Movie aka SHIT: The Movie. I fucking hate Colin Farrell. 01.20 CD:UK Hotshots 01.45 Today with Des and Mel 02.35 Ghost Stories 03.00 FILM: Man from Tangier * 04.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Well we’ve just been informed that this is our final issue before the Xmas break. This of course means that it’s already too late to buy your presents as all the good stuff will have gone from the shop and will have to make do with some candles, a soiled Teddy Ruxpin (courtesy of Riath) and the Best Of Foster And Allen...

Sunny Delight - A Juicy Tale BBC2 7.30pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion 11.45 Bobinogi 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Teletubbies 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Barrug 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Fifteen to One 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Mali O 16.25 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 16.35 Planed Plant: 13.30 Munud o Enwogrwydd 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Sara and Jason receive some sound advice. As it’s a seasonal issue I suggest “Don’t eat the yellow snow”. 20.25 Dudley 21.00 04 Wal Aled 21.30 Y Byd ar Bedwar 22.00 Creu Mewn Corwynt Poets and artists Myrddin ap Dafydd, Aled Jones Williams, Carwyn Evans and Alison Layland examine the threat to the Welsh language posed by the influx of people into rural Wales. Not that they don’t like foreigners in the Valleys. Most of the yokels make Tubbs and Edward look like Jesus and Mother Teresa. 23.05 V Graham Norton 23.45 Brinks-Mat: The Greatest Heist 00.45 Sex Rules 01.15 The Secret Life of Us 02.05 The Secret Life of Us 02.55 The Corner 04.00 The Art Show 04.30 Forbidden Fruit

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.25 Life Blood 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: Quicksand: No Escape ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Someone makes a surprise return to the Bay. Ron Jeremy or The Angel Of Death. Take your pick. 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys 20.00 Extreme... Near Misses Cheap 999 rip off presented by gair rhydd “favourite” Simon Weston. Words can express how much I dislike this man - but I’m not allowed to print them. 21.00 MacIntyre's Millions: The Body Butchers 22.00 FILM: Mississippi Burning **** 00.30 NHL Ice Hockey Live 03.45 Boxing: US Fight Night: Tokunbo Olajide v Emil Baku 04.45 Motorsport Mundial 05.10 European Drag Racing Devine takes on Danny La Rue. 05.35 Golf: The Challenge The challenge being staying awake I’d imagine.

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Travis Re:covered This would be the fifth or sixth repeat then... 19.30 TOTP 2 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 EastEnders Revealed 21.00 What Not to Wear If I could only pick and choose each of their best bits I’d be a very happy man. 21.30 Absolutely Fabulous 22.00 FILM: Saturday Night Fever I’ve never seen this and I’m proud.**** 23.55 Fatboy Slim: Musical Hooligan Includes the DJ getting cheese slapped in his face in Fukuoka. That can’t be a real place surely. Not as funny as the south German town named Wank though true story. 00.55 Liquid News 01.25 Casino 02.25 Fatboy Slim: Musical Hooligan Again.

09.25 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.50 Chart Choice 18.00 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Ask a Silly Question Did we get drunk in London this weekend at the NUS Media Awards? AS SKUNKS... 20.00 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote 21.00 Holiday Showdown 22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 Countdown to the British Comedy Awards 2003 23.30 The Joy of Decks 00.00 Jerry Springer 00.50 Late Show with David Letterman 01.40 The John Walsh Show 02.30 Teleshopping 03.30 Trisha 04.30 Trisha Extra

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends Phoebe prepares to move back to her refurbished apartment and will stop at nothing to get Rachel to come with her. FNARR - obvious but true. 17.30 Friends 18.00 Good Morning Miami 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Dawson's Creek Dawson's directorial authority is challenged when Natasha refuses to do a nude scene and he has to rope in his granny to cover instead. 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Wife Swap 22.00 Sex and the City 22.35 Distraction 23.05 The Bronx Bunny Show 23.40 V Graham Norton 00.15 The Salon 00.45 Hollyoaks 01.15 Dawson's Creek 02.10 Sex and the City 02.40 Distraction 03.10 The Bronx Bunny Show Riath’s just admitted to teabagging Tristan in the face. Not sure if he meant it in the sense I was thinking of however...

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Relic Hunter 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Cab to Canada A bit pricey surely? ** 16.00 Relic Hunter 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons Homer is told he needs a triple heart bypass and has to hire the cheapest surgeon in town. “Hello everybody...” 20.00 Kirsty's Home Videos Kirsty Gallacher introduces saucy clips from home videos. This week Paris Hilton runs into a spot of bother whilst romping with her Alsatian. That girl has no shame. 21.00 Temptation Island 22.00 Celebrity Boot Camp 23.00 Sex on the Beach 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X Files 01.50 Angel 02.40 JAG 03.30 Cops 03.55 Fear Factor UK

As S4C except: 06.00 Ivor the Engine 09.00 Bewitched Classic 09.30 4Learning 11.25 Self Portrait UK. 11.55 Making It. 12.30 My Eden 12.40 Cheers 13.10 FILM: The Desperadoes *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Turner Prize People's Poll 20.00 Location, Location, Location Revisited 20.30 How Clean Is Your House? 21.00 No Going Back: Andalusia 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Sex Rules: Hot Shots A young couple use a camera to improve their sex lives, and two friends try to become porn stars. Paris Hilton stars. 23.15 Brinks-Mat: The Greatest Heist 00.25 4 Music: Ear Candy 00.55 4 Music Sound Travels With PJ Harvey. 01.20 4 Music: Rather Good Videos 01.45 4 Music: No Pies for 200 Yards - A Film about Mr Scruff 02.15 4 Music: 4 Play 02.25 Nokia Totally Board 02.55 Skiing on 4 04.45 The Inventing Jungle:

Fatboy Slim: Musical Hooligan BBC3 11.55pm

Wednesday 1 December

Television

November 29 2003

Page 25

thewintermyheartfroze@cf.ac.uk

Thursday 4 December BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads Called so because of the desire of the audience to bash in the contestants’ heads with a spoon. 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 15.45 CBBC: Stuart Little 16.05 Mona the Vampire 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 Fairly Odd Parents 17.00 SMart Vic Reeves drops in to help my housemate Anna with a SMart make. Never knew they were friends... 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours The Hoylands celebrate that stupid slag’s birthday, but their dubious vicar of a mother appears to have forgotten. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 The Vicar of Dibley 19.30 EastEnders 20.00 Judge John Deed 21.30 Traffic Cops: After Dark 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Question Time 23.35 Dragon's Eye 00.05 This Week 00.50 FILM: Tall, Dark and Deadly Drama about a woman who finds herself in a potentially fatal relationship when, having just broken up with her boyfriend, she begins dating a handsome, enigmatic stranger who turns out to be a psychopath.** “We’ve all been there” - TV Holly. 02.30 Sign Zone: Design Rules 03.00 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 03.45 Sign Zone:

06.00 CBeebies: Yoho Ahoy 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Fix and Foxi 07.30 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Raven 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.55 Pingu 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Sergeant Stripes 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Hands Up! 10.35 Watch 10.50 The Way Things Work 11.05 Bobinogs 11.20 Focus - Citizenship 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Tennis 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer Andrew starts filming a documentary of the Scooby Gang's activities. The Seal of Danthalzar is causing chaos at the high school. 19.30 Counties of Wales: Pembrokeshire 20.00 Escape to the Country 21.00 Horizon 21.50 The World's Most Powerful Computer Mogul Series profiling successful figures, with Alvin Hall, a hilarious camp man. 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Stan Tracey: The Godfather of British Jazz 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science: Rough Science 01.00 The Next Big Thing 01.30 Lab Detectives 01.50 What Have the 80s Ever Done for Us? For one thing, they gave birth to the wonderful A-Ha and the equally fab OMD. AND Depeche Mode. 02.00 The Incredible Shrinking Chip 02.30 Earth, Life and Humanity 03.00 Cybersouls

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 Prized Possessions 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 SpongeBob SquarePants 16.00 Beat the CyBorgs 16.30 That's So Raven 17.00 The Christmas Show 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Marlon appeals to a higher power to help get him through the night. Viagra, then. 19.30 The Ferret 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Holiday Showdown 22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 Crime Secrets 23.00 Wales This Week This week, Wales has been very wet, very grey and very temperamental. I also went to The Woodville for the first time since my first day in Cardiff, over two years ago, despite walking past it every day on my way to lectures. 23.30 Single Sarah makes an attempt to find a man by setting up blind dates, only to end up falling for the barman. Better the ones who make you blind, than the blind ones, that’s what I say. 00.30 The Joy of Decks 00.55 Love Match Utterly terrible mobile-phone orientated dating game show. But at least it’s nothing to do with tennis; the lack of an associated game show with that sport, given the potential titles, is baffling. 01.20 Turn On Terry 01.45 Dare to Believe 02.10 CD:UK 03.00 The Machine 03.25 Cybernet 03.50 Motorsport UK

BBC3

ITV2

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Miss Dynamite Re:covered “Acceptable face of black urban youth for politicians to name-drop and sound convincingly hip re:covered” more like. 19.30 TOTP 2 20.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 20.30 What Not to Wear . 21.00 Body Hits 21.30 Body Hits 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 Little Britain Cupboardy. 23.30 Love for Sale: Service with a Smile See advert on Friday’s listing. Only without the smile. 00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 Body Hits 01.00 Body Hits 01.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Crisps 02.00 Little Britain 02.30 The Third Degree

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.50 Dancing in the Street 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Chart Choice 20.00 Airline 20.30 Airline With the Irish bint from Girls Aloud. Not to be confused with the mental bint, or the ugly bint. 21.00 Family 22.00 FILM: XMen 00.00 The Frank Skinner Show 00.50 Jerry Springer 01.40 Late Show with David Letterman 02.30 Teleshopping 03.30 Trisha 04.30 Trisha Extra 04.50 Judge Judy

A New Life Down Under C4 8pm

What Have The 80s Ever Done For Us? BBC2 1.50am

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion 11.30 Anelu at Ragoriaeth 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Lisabeth 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Joshua Jones Yes, the guy on the barge. He was Welsh as well as Fireman Sam. Wow! 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Fifteen to One 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Byd Bach Bedwyr 16.15 Planed Plant: Hotel Eddie 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Wawffactor! 19.10 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Welsh in a Week 21.00 Pawb a'i Farn 22.00 Slaymaker 22.30 Fideo Mondo 23.05 V Graham Norton 23.45 Daisy Daisy 00.15 Scrubs 00.45 Coldplay - Live in Sydney 01.45 Sound Travels 02.05 The PJs With PJ Harvey, PJ O’ Rourke, PJ Proby and PJ from Byker Grove. Spot the most talented one. Clue: He was in Byker Grove. 02.30 Freesports on 4: Nokia Women's Pro Surfing 02.55 Skiing on 4: Snowboarding 04.40 Nokia Totally Board Deputy Editor Alex “What happened to my other dimension?” Macpherson just hijacked the stereo and put on - oh surprise! An attractive female solo chart pop act, who at the same time is credible. Yawn.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.25 Life Blood 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.35 FILM: Stranger on the Run *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 CIS Insurance Cup Football: Partick Thistle v Celtic Hey, it’s good to finally see some Scottish football on TV rather than it being clogged up by the English leagues all the time. Are you happy now, miserable Celt who wrote into letters last week complaining about me? Anyway, you clearly mistook me for someone who actually knows and cares about sport, apart from that Wales and Scotland’s national teams aren’t very good. I’m not against national pride, they just aren’t very good! They didn’t qualify, hence my argument proved. Next! 21.35 Chelski Oh... 22.05 FILM: Crying Freeman 00.10 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 00.50 CIS Insurance Cup Football: Partick Thistle v Celtic 02.20 Dutch Football: Ajax v Feyenoord 03.50 Argentinian Football

E4

SKY 1

C4

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Good Morning Miami 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Joe Millionaire UK 21.45 Father Ted 22.15 Bo Selecta! 22.50 Bo Selecta! Chris Moyles appears in his Christmas video. Says a lot. 23.20 V Graham Norton 00.00 The Salon 00.30 Hollyoaks 00.55 The Michael Essany Show 01.25 Your Face or Mine? 01.55 Joe Millionaire UK 02.40 Bo Selecta! 03.05 Bo Selecta! Basically guys, the only music you need to be listening to this week is The Black Heart Procession, because after literally years of trying I’ve finally got their first album and it’s amazing. So buy that first, and then the other three. And then you’ll be as cool as I am. Only not quite because I bought them FIRST. So there. And if you’ve already got them come up to the office on a Thursday, I need you...

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Relic Hunter 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Behind The Mask ** 16.00 Relic Hunter 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse 21.00 Fear Factor UK 22.00 Uncut! 22.30 Scare Tactics Hidden camera show with Shannen Doherty. A medical test volunteer believes he's taken some deadly pills and a lab caretaker sees an experiment go horribly wrong. I wouldn’t normally touch hidden camera shows with my ten foot barge pole, but this does sound great. 23.00 Uncut! The Villa 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X Files 01.50 Angel 02.40 JAG 03.30 Cops 03.55 Mile High 04.45 Dirty Money 05.10

As S4C except: 06.00 The Trap Door 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Physical Processes. 9.50 Maths Mansion 4. 10.10 Arrows of Desire. 10.35 Extra 3: Auf Deutsch. 11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 The Virtual Body I have the perfect virtual body. To go with my virtual brain and virtual future career. 11.45 Animated Tales. 12.30 Cheers 13.00 FILM: The History of Mr Polly *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks Things are bad at the Deans, as Craig steals milk. From Izzy. 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Turner Prize People's Poll 20.00 A New Life Down Under 21.00 Ancient Egyptians: The Twins 22.00 V Graham 22.40 Daisy Daisy 23.15 Forbidden Fruit. 00.20 Top Ten TV With Tom Baker. A run-down of the top 10 tv scifi, so expect: Blake 7, Space: Above And Beyond, Children Of The Dog Star and ThreeBreasted Aliens From Planet Zarg. 01.55 Freesports on 4: Red Bull Three Degrees. 02.25 Skiing on 4: Nordics

Thursday 27 November

Television

Page 28

December 1 2003

readyforyourbrownwings?@cf.ac.uk

Friday 5 December BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Stuart Little 16.05 Rugrats 16.20 The Basil Brush Show 16.45 Rugrats 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Taj begins to question Jonathan's approach, and suggests ramming it in from behind, rather than trying to pipe him all the time. And Steph and Max try to work through their problems, and he removes her cancer with his teeth. I’ve actually made myself feel sick. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 A Question of Sport: Sports Personality of the Year 19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders Billy and Little Mo's romantic meal ends badly. Garry has an ideal solution for his relationship problems, and decides on the Michael Jackson route with little Bobby. Innocent till proven guilty... 20.30 All about Me 21.00 Absolutely Fabulous 21.30 Have I Got News for You 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 23.25 Meet My Folks 00.15 FILM: Circle of Deceit ** 01.50 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Yoho Ahoy 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 The Lampies 07.30 Noah's Island 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Raven 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies Count to Christmas; The Story Makers 08.55 Pingu 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Little Robots 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Magic Key 10.35 Watch 10.50 Science Clips 11.00 Focus 11.20 BBC Primary History 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Working Lunch 13.00 Tennis 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Simpsons 18.40 The Simpsons 19.00 FightBox 19.30 Time Flyers: Scotland's Exodus 20.30 Gardeners' World 21.00 Timewatch: Through Hell for Hitler 21.50 Ancient Voices 22.00 As Time Goes By 22.30 Newsnight With Kirsty Wark. 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Westway to the World 00.35 The X Files 01.20 FILM: Don't Be a Menace to South Central while Drinking Your Juice in the Hood WTF? I’ll try not to be...not that I understand that imperative...** 03.00 BBC Learning Zone: National Test Revision: ReviseWise at Home: KS2 English 05.00 Languages: Work Talk: France Ooh, whoever sent me that text last week deserves a nice surprise...Like me covered in gherkins, rolling around on a double bed wearing a shell suit...You lucky devils!

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 Prized Possessions 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Boohbah 15.30 What about Mimi? 16.00 Fingertips 16.20 You Can Do Magic 16.30 All Grown Up! 17.00 The Christmas Show 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Charity is shocked to think that Zoe knows more about Chris's death than she is letting on, and discovers all when she notices the strange smell of formaldehyde loitering about her minge. Marlon frustrates Tricia, and doesn’t want to earn his brown wings. 19.30 Coronation Street Nick reveals his true feelings about Candice and Maria. “You’re nothing but beef curtains to me, darlings.” 20.00 House of Horrors 20.30 A Touch of Frost 22.30 Tarrant on TV More outrageous TV moments from around the world, presented by Chris Tarrant. Featuring a Japanese show in which girls test fruits with a sensual part of their bodies. Been there, done that. Booooring. 23.00 ITV Weekend News 23.30 Classy Acts I give Riath a chance to find out if it’s rag week or not...Happy Christmas! 00.35 FILM: Give Me a Break *** 02.15 Nash Bridges 03.10 Entertainment Now! 03.35 Mixmasters 04.00 World Football 04.30 Ghost Stories 04.50 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

The Hired Hand S4C 1.40am

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Sali Mali 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Twm 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Fifteen to One 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Popcorn in every orifice since having sex in the cinema... 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Dudley 20.30 Pobol y Cwm 21.00 A New Life Down Under 22.00 How Clean Is Your House? Erm, not very since I decided to ‘christen’ every room and not mop up the j**z I leak afterwards. Sorry housemates! But if you need help with your white sauce... 22.30 The Osbournes 23.05 V Graham Norton 23.45 Dirty Sanchez 00.15 The Pilot Show 00.40 South Park 01.10 Distraction 01.40 FILM: The Hired Hand I embark on a new occupation in Abygale’s, and let my hands to the talking. I mean earning. Only £10 a pop guys (£15 norks out)! You know it’s worth it... *** (star rating has nothing to do with my hand-job quality). 03.15 Honda Formula 4Stroke Powerboating Championship 03.40 Skiing on 4: Nordics

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.25 Life Blood 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.35 FILM: The Secret War of Jackie's Girls ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Jade embarks on a desperate quest to find Nick, but realises that no one wants a hasbeen, fat-faced minger chasing them. Scott is in trouble with the council. And Jesse decides to face up to fatherhood by hanging his spawn over a German balcony... 18.30 Family Affairs Pete considers fleeing the country to evade police persecution. They hate Newsdesk, the pigs. 19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys 20.00 House Doctor 20.30 Dream Holiday 21.00 FILM: Sweet Poison** 23.00 Boomtown 23.55 FILM: In the Line of Duty: Blaze of Glory ** 01.30 FILM: True Love can wait. There’s STDs to be caught! *** 03.10 FILM: Booty Call *** 04.25 High School Reunion 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

CH 4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 The Cure Re:covered 19.30 FightBox 20.00 Celebdaq 20.30 EastEnders Revealed 21.00 Grease Monkeys 21.30 Absolutely Fabulous is what one man said to me after a steamy session of...soup-making. 22.00 EastEnders Alfie's plans for a perfect day do not go as expected, because Phil decides he desperately wants to be the bridesmaid and Sonia is in a right huff about it, storming up and down the Square with a face that looks like an arse sandwich. 22.30 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 23.00 What Not to Wear 23.30 Jerry Hall's Gurus 00.30 Celebdaq 01.00 Fatboy Slim: Musical Hooligan 02.00 Grease Monkeys 02.30 Jordan: The Truth about Me 03.30 Celebdaq

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.50 Movies Now 18.00 Coronation Street Mike pays his last respects to Preston King, bumming the corpse for all it’s worth (about 67p). 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Dancing in the Street 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 Pop Idol Extra 22.00 Harry Hill's TV Burp 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 SWAT: The Movie 23.30 The Joy of Decks 00.00 Pop Idol Extra 01.20 Jerry Springer 02.05 David Letterman 03.55 Trisha

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends As the gang celebrate Rachel's 30th birthday, she ponders what she should do to achieve her remaining ambitions. Fuck off, perhaps? 17.30 Friends 18.00 Good Morning Miami 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Dawson's Creek Joey and Pacey get locked inside a supermarket where they spend the night discussing their relationship. Jesus. If I were trapped in a supermarket with a delightful young man, I’d spend the time investigating the marrows, not to mention examine other forms of cheese rather than the knob variety. Maybe spreadable... 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Return to Jamie's Kitchen 22.00 This Model Life 23.05 Little Friends 23.35 V Graham Norton 00.15 The Salon 00.45 Hollyoaks 01.10 The Secret Life of Us 02.10 The Secret Life of Us 03.00 Little Friends

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Relic Hunter 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Deep in My Heart ** 16.00 Relic Hunter 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Malcolm in the Middle 20.30 Scrubs 21.05 Dead Like Me When the reapers are given their next assignments, the address of the next death is awfully familiar to George. It involves innocents... 22.00 Angel 23.00 Unofficial World Records of Sex TV John attempts to gather enough come (explicitly not his) for me to use as hair wax... 23.30 Double Entry 00.00 Mile High 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 The X Files 02.40 Angel 03.30 JAG 04.20 Cops 04.45 Dirty Money

As S4C, except: 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning: Illustrated Mum. 11.15 Making it. 11.20 Making it. 11.25 Extra - French, German, Spanish. 11.50 Making it. 11.55 Life Stuff. 12.30 Supporting Acts 12.45 FILM: I'm All Right **** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks Fists fly at Izzy's hen night, and she is a grateful recipient of these early wedding gifts. Dan and Ben come to blows too. Altogether now: FNNAAAARR! 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 The Art Show 20.00 Unreported World: Clubbing on the Frontline 20.30 Friends 21.00 Will and Grace 21.30 The Osbournes 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Distraction 23.15 The Pilot Show 00.20 South Park 00.50 The PJs 01.15 The PJs 01.45 King of the Hill 02.10 Skiing on 4: Alpine Highlights 04.00 Trans World Sport

Little Friends E4 3am

Friday 5 December

Television

December 1 2003

Page 29

designerhandjobshalfprice@cf.ac.uk

Saturday 6 December BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Tweenies Count to Christmas; Ethelbert the Tiger 06.30 CBBC: Enchanted Lands 06.40 Moomin 07.05 UBOS 07.30 Mona the Vampire 07.40 Tom and Jerry Kids 08.05 Looney Tunes 08.35 What's New Scooby Doo? 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.05 Racing from Chepstow 13.20 Seniors Tennis Preview: Worldwide Seniors Tour 13.36 Racing from Chepstow 14.20 Tennis 16.30 Wales on Saturday 17.30 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.55 Here Comes the Sun 18.45 Weakest Link 19.35 National Lottery Wright around the World 20.10 Casualty 21.00 Rolf Harris at the Royal Albert Hall 22.30 BBC News; Weather 22.50 Still Cliff 23.50 Match of the Day 00.40 FILM: Prefontaine With Jared Leto and R Lee Ermey. (Biopic, 1997) Ooh, Jared Leto! I’ll have Cameron Diaz’s post-minged cast-offs. I have no problem with that. Based on the life of athlete Steve Prefontaine, who rose from running for recreation in his home town of Coos Bay, Oregon, to competing in the Munich Olympics. I could do something Olympic. For a start, I can nearly get my ankles behind my head. Maybe I could combine this with Jared...* 02.20 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 03.15 A Question of Sport 03.45 Top of the Pops 04.15 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Ever Wondered about Food? 12.00 See Hear 12.55 What the Victorians Did for Us 13.25 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 13.55 Watching the Detectives: Cagney and Lacey 14.45 Watching the Detectives: The Rockford Files 15.35 Watching the Detectives: Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 16.30 Britain's Best Buildings 17.00 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 17.30 Flog It! 18.30 What the Papers Say ‘TV Holly is a mastermind...’ I’m never going to let that go. 18.40 FILM: 633 Squadron *** 20.10 Lawrence of Arabia 21.00 The Big Read: Top 21 Revealed Simon Schama champions War And Peace, Sandi Toksvig recommends Little Women and Lorraine Kelly argues for Jane Eyre. Hmm, I bet that’ll be a succinct and erudite argument. 22.30 Have I Got a Little 23.10 Room 101 23.40 FILM: Nashville Comedy drama centred on a weekend in Nashville during the launch of a new political party, to be marked by a starstudded country music extravaganza. The Replacement Party's organisers have brought together a bizarre array of musicians and showbiz people, all of them with distinct problems and hangups. Sounds like a load of cottage cheesy gash to me, but has a high rating. Which doubles my argument. ***** 02.15 Joins BBC News 24 03.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize 05.00 Languages: Work Talk: Germany

06.00 GMTV 09.25 SMTV Gold 12.00 CD:UK 13.00 CD:UK Special Maybe Cat will present in the nude, hence the special title. 13.30 ITV News; Weather 13.35 HTV News and Weather 13.40 On the Ball 14.30 Seriously Weird 15.00 FILM: Beethoven's 2nd *** 16.30 The Goal Rush 17.05 HTV News and Weather 17.20 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.30 Creature Comforts 17.45 Record of the Year 2003 Oh, I wonder what sorry shite will grace this programme. It’s being hosted by Cat Deeley, so if anyone mildly ‘alternative’ appears, expect her to wet herself in delight. Maybe you should set the video then. 18.55 Pop Idol 20.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 21.00 Pop Idol Results 21.30 Record of the Year 2003: Result My record of the year would most definitely have to be The Fast Food Song. 22.15 ITV Weekend News 22.30 The Premiership 00.00 Countdown to the British Comedy Awards 2003...don’t know what’s the matter with five, four, three, two, one... 01.00 The Frank Skinner Show 01.45 Harry Hill's TV Burp 02.10 Reggae and Ska Forever 03.05 CD:UK Hotshots 03.30 Turn On Terry 03.55 Entertainment Now! 04.25 Cybernet 04.50 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Record of the Year 2003 ITV1 5.45pm

S4C

five

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Skiing on 4: 08.00 Trans World Sport 09.00 The Morning Line 09.55 Scrapheap Challenge 10.55 Andromeda 11.45 Andromeda 12.30 Smash Hits Chart 13.00 Friends 13.30 Channel 4 attheraces from Sandown Park and Wetherby 15.50 Water Stories 16.00 The First World War 17.00 Newyddion 17.10 Y Clwb Rygbi All the news from the rugby world. 19.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19.30 Twrio 20.30 Noson Lawen An hour of music and laughter. Presumably not a combined form of the two, otherwise they’d be listening to the new Britney album that Alex has just inserted into my disk drive (literally, you fools). 21.30 Naw Tan Naw 22.00 FILM: Bowling for Columbine Michael Moore's Oscar-winning documentary film examining the American attitude towards guns and violence. Using the Columbine High School massacre as a starting point, Moore discusses America's relationship with firearms with such diverse figures as NRA chairman Charlton Heston, controversial musician Marilyn Manson and James Nichols, brother of Oklahoma City bombing accomplice Terry. I didn’t like it, but maybe you will. **** 00.20 FILM: Thelma and Louise Directed by Ridley Scott. How bizarre, I never knew that. **** 02.40 Skiing on 4

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 FAQ 06.35 Michaela's Wild Challenge 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Shake! 08.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 08.25 Beast Wars 08.55 Beyblade 09.25 Beyblade 09.55 Dan Dare 10.25 Xcalibur 11.00 Max Steel 11.30 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.25 Tintin 12.50 Robot Wars 13.55 Edgemont 14.20 USA High 14.50 Flaunt Chart Show 15.20 Home and Away Omnibus. 17.25 FILM: Rocketman * 19.05 five news and sport 19.10 Charmed Supernatural drama series about three sisters with the power of witchcraft. A demon releases a dream dust which makes the sisters' nightmares become real. Dream dust? It doesn’t make me go to sleep, just gets me very sticky. 20.00 Robot Wars 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.00 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 22.55 Law and Order A wellknown model is a murder vicrtim, but the team discover a bloodstain that does not belong to her. It’s Riath’s menstrual jam. It’s his rag week, poor lamb. 23.55 FILM: Under Oath *** 01.35 Boxing Classic: Michael Ayers v Tony Miller 02.25 Boxing: Fight of the Week: Lawrence Cley-Bey v Samuel Peter 03.30 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat Kick Boxing 04.20 That 70s Show 04.45 That 70s Show 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 Hunting Chris Ryan 20.00 FightBox 21.00 FILM: Tin Cup Romantic sports comedy about a washed-up golfer who tries to get back into the big game, having previously ruined his career when he was disqualified. Now making ends meet as a teacher at a shabby Texas driving range, his life is changed when he falls for a beautiful psychologist. He decides that the way to win her is to impress her - by beating her progolfer boyfriend and winning the US Open. And a psychologist wouldn’t see through that? I fucking hate Kevin Costner. Robin Hood? Gah, give me Alan Rickman any day (preferably soon...) *** 23.10 Jordan: The Model Mum Well it must be easy for her sprog to amuse himself in norks like that. Who needs a trampoline? 00.05 Little Britain 00.35 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 01.05 Monkey Dust 01.35 Jordan: The Model Mum 02.30 Celebdaq 03.00 FightBox

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus. 12.15 Coronation Street Omnibus. 14.35 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote 15.40 Airline 16.10 Airline 16.40 Lance what? James Lance? Where? Oh Burton - Master Magician On the Road 17.25 Pop Idol Extra 18.55 Breaking the Magician's Code: Magic's Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed Please don’t tell them how I disguise my know in tight trousers! 20.00 Pop Idol Extra 21.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 21.25 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 22.10 Record of the Year: Celebrity Choice Because they won’t be biased. So, Delta, what’s the best single this year? 23.10 Million Dollar Babes 23.40 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 00.40 Pop Idol 01.40 Pop Idol Extra 02.35 Pop Idol Results 03.00 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 03.45 Teleshopping 04.45 Movies Now

14.00 The Salon: Reappointment 15.05 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.30 Friends Monica and Chandler grudgingly agree to let Joey perform their wedding ceremony. Perform what? Fellatio? Cunnilingus? Both at the same time? Is it possible? Someone let me know because I’d like to be able to do that. Rachel becomes Ben's favourite babysitter when she reveals the secrets of how to ‘magically’ get rid of a chin that would make Bruce Forsythe blush. 18.00 Friends Monica regrets telling a fellow bride-to-be about a cheap bridal store when she has to fight tooth and nail for a unique dress. Get over it and head to Ann Summers instead. They’ve got some lovely bride’s outfits. Oh sorry, they’re actually nurses’ unforms. Still... 18.30 G Girls 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Father Ted 21.30 Father Ted 22.00 Joe Millionaire UK 22.50 E Graham Norton 23.55 Oz 01.00 Dawson's Creek 01.55 Father Ted 02.25 Father Ted 02.50 Star Trek

06.00 Star Trek: Voyager 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 YuGi-Oh! 09.30 Malcolm in the Middle 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: Voyager 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Miss World 2003 TV Andy dons a wig and hopes that his claims that he wants to bring the world peace sound genuine. 22.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 23.00 When Sex Goes Wrong 23.30 Double Entry 00.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 01.50 Thanks for the Mammaries Yes, every day I thank an all-powerful being for these delightful norks that grace my chest. And all my clients seem pretty made up too. It’s like Christmas everyday with these bazookas. 02.40 Double Entry 03.05 Shipmates 03.30 Star Trek: The Next Generation 04.20 Star Trek: Voyager

As S4C, except: 06.00 The Clangers 09.55 T4: Smallville: Superman the Early Years 10.50 T4: Friends 11.20 T4: The Salon: Reappointment 13.00 T4: Friends 15.50 Heroes of Comedy: Hattie Jacques 16.50 FILM: Carry On Matron My favourite one, probably because it stemmed my early fantasies of nurses’ uniforms. *** 18.30 Channel 4 News 19.00 Commando: The St Nazaire Raid 20.00 Seven Ages of Britain: The Fourth Age 410 - 1066 AD 21.00 FILM: Bowling for Columbine See S4C. **** 23.25 FILM: In the Mood for Love Award-winning drama set in 1960s Hong Kong about a man and woman whose tentative friendship flourishes into mutual love when they discover their respective spouses are having an affair. I’m always in the ‘mood for love’ you know. So if the people that sent me that text want to meet me, then all they have to do is come up to the office on a Thursday night... **** 01.15 4 Music: Ear Candy Better than minge mucus. 01.50 Carling Homecomings: Primal Scream 02.50 Brazilian Football Championship 04.35 Actions 05.00 Norm 05.25 Countdown

Jordan: The Model Mum BBC 3 11.10am

Saturday 6 December

Television

Page 30

December 1 2003

alliwantforxmasismytwofrontteeth@cf.ac.uk

Sunday 7 December BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 08.10 Match of the Day 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 Can't Wait Till Christmas 11.00 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 12.55 Match of the Day Live Second round of the FA Cup featuring two teams who stand absolutely no chance of getting any further than the third round. 15.15 EastEnders 17.10 BBC News 17.35 Songs of Praise Cliff Richard joins Aled Jones and Pete Waterman in Manchester's Bridgewater Hall for a Christmas celebration. If anyone wants to give me an early Xmas present, a large package of C4 under this building tonight might do the trick to get the three of them in one fell swoop. 18.15 Holiday 2004 18.45 Antiques Roadshow 19.30 Animal Hospital 20.00 Frankenstein: Birth of a Monster The true story of Frankenstein's monster and the remarkable woman who created him, Mary Shelley. What she actually dug up corpses and re-animated them? I think the truth might be a little more mundane. Great book however. 21.00 Charles II: The Power and the Passion 22.00 BBC News 22.15 FILM: Pay It Forward Sappy feel-good movie with the boy who sees dead people and Keyser Soze. ** 00.15 The Sky at Night 00.35 Sign Zone: ONE life 01.15 Sign Zone: Panorama 01.55 Sign Zone: The Money Game: Football's Cash Crisis Bye, bye Leeds United. 02.30 Joins BBC News 24 If anyone wants to get me a proper present I’d love those DVDs I review on the front page (hint, hint).

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Tweenies Count to Christmas; Ethelbert the Tiger 06.30 CBBC: Arthur 06.55 Taz-Mania 07.15 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 Wildlife on Two 11.00 Sunday Home and Garden 12.40 FILM: PT 109 *** 14.55 Tennis 16.30 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 17.00 The Good Life 17.30 Bill Oddie Goes Wild in Cape Town Bill stops taking his medication and runs amok in South Africa brandishing a samurai sword and a frozen chicken. Many people are already feared dead by the time the raging presenter had been hog-tied and caged by Rolf Harris. 18.10 Natural World: Five Owl Farm Not anymore after Billy gets an air rifle for his birthday. But Five Corpse Farm doesn’t have the same ring does it? 19.00 Gun Traffic 20.00 Top Gear 21.00 Terror Tourists 22.00 Coupling 22.30 Red Dwarf IV Lister's curry assumes near-human form when it finds its way into a machine that can re-write DNA. Fantastic episode from the classic series. The vindaloo monster is inspired. 23.00 Boxing 00.05 FILM: Smilla's Sense of Snow ** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize: Chemistry 04.00 Languages: Make French Your Business Part 1 05.00 Confidence Zone 1 Alex has put on some godawful shite tonight including the terrible new Britney album. I’m retreating to the world of Ninja Tune with Funki Porcini and the rather good Funkungfusion compilation.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 The Premiership 10.30 Fingertips 10.40 Art Attack Mini Makes 10.50 The Little Bang 10.55 Art Attack Mini Makes 11.00 John Meets Paul: A Mediterranean Journey 11.30 My Favourite Hymns 12.30 Waterfront 13.00 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.55 HTV News and Weather 14.00 Girls in Love 14.30 Girls in Love Hopefully this’ll be similar to some of those “arty” films I have on my computer. On the otherhand they might just be preteen fingering fodder. 15.00 Seriously Weird 1 5.35 FILM: A Little Princess **** 17.20 HTV News and Weather Regional news round-up. 17.35 Tidy 18.05 Costa Living 18.30 ITV News 18.50 New You've Been Framed! 19.20 Creature Comforts 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 The Royal 21.00 Foyle's War 23.00 ITV Weekend News 23.05 The South Bank Show 00.10 Whose Right Is It Anyway? 00.45 Paradise Found 01.10 Trisha 02.05 Surviving the Wild 03.00 Present Time 03.25 Ghost Stories 03.50 World Sport 04.15 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Well it’s finally come to me having to fill huge tracts of space as ITV1 has a complete lack of inspiration during their programming planning. Even the occasionally ace South Bank Show is crap tonight. Gutted.

BBC3 19.00 Wild Weather: Heat 20.00 Jerry Hall's Gurus 21.00 What Not to Wear 21.30 Dreamspaces 22.00 Absolutely Fabulous 22.30 Jordan: You Don't Even Know Me Strange she thinks that considering that most of her body has been seen by most of the population. 23.30 Casino 00.25 Love for Sale 00.55 Jordan: You Don't Even Know Me 01.55 Jerry Hall's Gurus 02.50 Dreamspaces 03.20 Love for Sale Tons of space to fill again so I’d just like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and hope they recieve everything they want in their stockings. I’m hoping for the gorgeous and wonderful TV Amy - hopefully naked. Let me just end with a thought from the office: How to spitroast: 1. Bottle of JD £11, 2. Night at Come Play £35 3. Riath’s sister - Priceless.

Fame and Misfortune: Sex Files E4 11.45pm

ITV2 09.25 Pop Idol 10.30 Pop Idol Results 10.55 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 11.45 Movies Now 11.55 Emmerdale Omnibus 14.45 Coronation Street Omnibus 17.05 Record of the Year 2003 18.15 Record of the Year 2003: Result 19.00 Record of the Year: Celebrity Choice 20.00 Pop Idol 21.05 Pop Idol Extra 22.10 Pop Idol Results 22.35 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 23.25 Coronation Street 23.55 The Frank Skinner Show 00.40 Pop Idol 01.40 Pop Idol Extra 02.35 Pop Idol Results 03.00 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 03.45 Teleshopping 03.50 Club Reps The Workers - Uncut 04.40 Judge Judy 05.00 Trisha WHAT AN AWFUL DAY’S TV!

Worlds Wildest Police Videos five 11pm

S4C

five

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Insektors 07.10 The Clangers 07.25 Totally Spies! 07.50 SpiderMan 08.15 Skiing on 4: World Cup 08.45 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 09.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.00 Welsh in a Week 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Britney Laid Bare 13.30 G Girls 14.00 Union Jack 14.30 Stargate SG-1 1 5.15 Star Trek 16.00 Maniffesto 16.30 Xtra Omnibws 17.30 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.30 Y Sioe Gelf 20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Cefn Gwlad: Glyn Jones 21.00 Treflan 22.05 Newyddion 22.20 FILM: In and Out With Kevin Kline and Tom Selleck. Is he? Isn’t he? gay comedy about a drama teacher. Has its moments but is pinker than a pig’s private parts. ** 00.00 46664: The Concert No idea what this is about. Might be good - there’s nothing else better on! 01.05 The Turner Prize 2003 02.05 Seven Ages of Britain 03.05 FILM: Burnt by the Sun Won lots of prizes at Cannes so expect it to be arty, foreign and feature women suffering in a variety of ways. **** Sights of the week: a paralytic Riath trying to do a shit over a sleeping Alex, then losing his balance and falling into a closet and getting stuck.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 Beachcomber Bay 06.35 Dappledown Farm 07.00 A House That's Just like Yours 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 Babar 09.25 George Shrinks 09.55 Snobs 10.25 A Different Life 11.00 Morris 2274 11.30 Braceface 12.00 Stepping Up 12.30 Flaunt Chart Show 13.05 five news update 13.15 Titanic 16.30 Dream Holiday Home 17.00 Britain's Worst Celebrity Driver Paul Ross was dunce of the week last week. It made the whole thing worth watching again and again for when he plowed his caravan though the obstacle course in a manic rage. 17.35 five news and sport 17.55 FILM: Miracle on 34th Street Christmas is coming if you didn’t know. Elizabeth Perkins (who stars in this) seems pretty dirty - she appeared in the pseudo-porn If These Walls Could Talk II. *** 20.00 Monkey Magic 20.30 TV Mistakes Uncovered Uncut 21.00 FILM: Ground Control ** 23.00 World's Wildest Police Videos 23.55 Alias 00.50 Golf - The Challenge 01.15 NFL Live: Atlanta Falcons v Carolina Panthers 04.30 Football: CIS Insurance Cup 4th Round: Partick Thistle v Celtic.

E4

SKY 1

C4

10.00 The Salon Live 19.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.00 The West Wing A gunman fires shots at the White House and the staff remain on lockdown. So they spend all the time in their offices as usual then? 21.00 Dawson's Creek 22.00 Joe Millionaire UK 22.45 Little Friends 23.15 Your Face or Mine? 23.45 Fame and Misfortune: Sex Files The series on the cost of being a celebrity looks at the sexual behaviour of those living in the glare of publicity. Could actually be worth watching for the smut and giggles value. 00.50 The West Wing 01.40 Dawson's Creek 02.30 Joe Millionaire UK 03.10 Your Face or Mine? Alex is playing Everybody Dance Now by C&C Music Factory, famously used in The Simpsons during the scene in the Steel Works when Homer thinks Bart is gay. Oh the wonderful irony. “We work hard - but we play hard too...”

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Tough Enough 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Family Guy 14.30 Futurama 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Family Guy 17.30 Futurama 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 FILM: Die Hard 2: Die Harder “Yippie-Ki-Yay Motherfucker!” **** 00.20 Is Harry on the Boat? 01.20 Sex on the Beach 02.20 Son of the Beach 02.45 Scrubs 03.15 Secrets of Psychics Revealed 04.10 Star Trek: Voyager 05.05 Star Trek: Voyager

As S4C except: 07.15 Bug Alert! 07.40 Totally Spies! 08.00 Skiing on 4: World Cup 08.30 Spider-Man 08.55 T4: Smash Hits Chart. 09.25 T4: Popworld 10.25 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.55 T4: G Girls 13.30 T4: Union Jack 14.05 The Bleeped Osbournes 14.35 T4: Friends 15.10 T4: Will and Grace 15.40 T4: Britney Spears - Gettin' In the Zone Probably a “deep” insight into her new album - which is awful. Of course Alex loves it. 16.40 T4: Stargate SG-1 17.35 Scrapheap Challenge 18.40 Enterprise 19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 The Turner Prize 2003 21.00 Pop Queens - the Rivals 22.35 46664: The Concert 23.45 Carling Homecoming 00.45 FILM: Gregory's Two Girls Bloke from Tesco ad in threesome shock. *** 02.45 V Graham Norton: 03.45 Unreported World: Clubbing on the Frontline 04.15 Lifer: Living with Murder 05.15 Portrait of a Young Man Drowning

Sunday 7 December

Matt’s Problem Page

December 1 2003

Page 33

(Or that chap who slags everyone off : grproblempage@cf.ac.uk)

Problem of the Week

More willies

J-Lu

Dear Matt,

Dear gair rhydd, Since I started uni I’ve developed something which I never thought I would. I’ve never had a crush on someone before. The thing is, he’s a lecturer. I can’t stop thinking about him and for his lectures I wear my best clothes, I get up half an hour earlier to do my make up and I can’t concentrate on his lectures. I don’t know what to do at all, I know it’s a bit childish and I’m too old but I can’t help myself. I sometimes think he looks at me, but then after lectures everyone seems to talk to him and when I do need to ask him something I lose my voice and I can’t talk to him at all. He’s really attractive and I don’t think he’ll ever notice me. I keep thinking that if I carry on making myself look my best he’ll notice or something, but even then I’d just blush and go all shy. I know I should get over it but I’m really obsessed and I can’t talk to my friends ‘cos I know they’ll laugh. Anon, first year Journalism

Proverbially biting my lip hurts. If I were sure of my stance in regards to libel, I’d be saying his name. However, I fear that if I say his name, I’d be shot. Several times, and in the face. That would be presumptuous, but without reservation (and with experience) I know whom you want. Alas, I must resist all temptation to spaff his name all over my page. I can’t help you. His beauty compels everyone. Not me, obviously, I’m too far above you reprobates to fall prey to genes and such like. Besides, he won’t notice you. Pointless you getting up early to plaster your face, it doesn’t change it, does it? In responding to you, my ethics appear to be dangling from razor-wire like a lone Englishman suspended above a pit of hard Welshmen post-Saturday (don’t start, I hate all of you). So be grateful. Ultimately though, *coughJustinLewiscough* is akin to Karl Kennedy. Unattainable, but the girls love him. Matt

I have been highly offended by my best friend's housemate and don't know what to do. Last week, I was innocently waiting for her to get dressed so we could go out, when I heard shouts of "It's small because it's cold!" The next thing I knew, I was confronted with a naked guy (her housemate) jumping around. As soon as he saw I was there he retreated behind a fellow (male) housemate, but the view (although brief) remains firmly imprinted on my mind. How will I ever recover from this traumatic experience? Sian I believe that when faced with chilling extremities of the natural world, the penis retracts, thusly becoming the "small" member you observed. This is to preserve blood

for the more important organs, such as the brain. However, I would not tolerate such bold exposure, more so the "trauma" as detailed by you. Although you have been the victim of an exhibitionist and perhaps arrogant man, you must now take the time to prepare a counter-offensive. Obviously, the "man" involved in phallicflashery has no concept of self-preservation. Perhaps if you were to kindly highlight that he has issues of puberty to approach before wapping his genitals in your face he would remain pensive about the potential next time such an event occurs. Unless, Sian, you are harbouring deep rooted denial as to your own sexual exploits. Are you, in fact, what I may politely suggest as "whorish"? Or was it just co-incidence that you HAPPENED TO RUN TOWARDS THE SCENE OF FLESH AND SEE THE NAKED MAN AS HE WAS CRUELLY VICTIMISED? What did you actually aim to achieve by emailing me? A step-by-step instruction of how to dismember the boy? Matt

Hello. I’m not a happy chappy this week, I regret to inform you. Not entirely sure I like the cold, dark nights and the prospect of giving people presents in a month. Impending yuletide aside, problems must be addressed. Clicky-clicky. grproblempage@cf.ac.uk Matt Hill

Handy Tip Of the Week! I’ve been trying really hard to not swear this week. It’s not so much the implications of the words, it’s the pain and suffering they cause. However, there are a few things that have lead to me breaking this self-restriction. The first is a certain Dr Karl Kennedy’s actions. See, Karl disappointed me this week. We all know why. "Karl I love you, eat my chocolate" she says, thrusting bosom and pouting like a prize trout. Fuckhead. The other one is to do with puddles and cars. Anyway, tip of the week. Willies. Staple ingredient of graffiti since forever. I’d be surprised to sit at a bus stop and not see a curvaceous and happy willy peering from the Plexiglass. Perhaps it’s more to do with the fact that a centimetre thick line is complimentary to the harsh reality of male endowment. If you’re offended by such phallic imagery, or just bored, add some eyes to the imagined testicles, a couple of tusks and some wrinkles. You will have created a perfect portrait of an African elephant. If you’re especially artistic, why not add some feet? A good elephant always needs feet.

Disco

FanFace

Dear gair rhydd (or Matt even, being more personal) I too am one of the precious few who can see the truth. Matrix Revolutions did not suck! I am a devoted fan of all three films, and I am besieged by people all around me constantly putting Revolutions down. "It didn't answer anything!" "It was crap!" they say to me. Each horrible statement wounds me deeply. What should I do to stop this pain? I also have another Matrix-related problem. I am a complete Agent Smith fan, therefore I must say that the ending to Revolutions is not how I would have wished it to turn out. I sat there chanting "Die, Neo die!", and giggling when a certain main character whose name I won't mention got skewered. People also mock me for rooting for Smith, am I wrong to wish that he had won and taken over the Matrix? How should I stop the people mocking me? Help!

Being personal is fine, Nicola. It renders me so powerful. Did your parents beat you? Neo didn’t die. He ascended, Christ-stylee. I’m not sure your reasoning for liking the film holds much weight, mind. Are you just deluding yourself that you liked it in case the high chair and electrodes make an appearance again? Prozac stops the pain. As do a bath and a pair of shears. Smith, aye, he’s alright, although no, clearly he shouldn’t have won. You see, its message of egalitarianism was in fact undermined by people like you lauding the baddies. Devoted "fan", Nicola? No. I don’t want to help you. I want the film all to myself. Mer mer mer mer Neo mer mer mer Smith mer mer mer. "The truth" is that they’re mocking you because you’ve got a fucking stupid face. Matt

Nicola, put upon Matrix fan

Lewarse Lane’s Photo Casebook

Dear gair rhydd, Hi matt, I’ve got a problem with myself. Whenever me and my mates go out clubbing I always get left on my own on the dance floor. We all get on really well but if there’s a decent song on and everyone gets up, when I stand up they all sit down again. I’m starting to feel a bit left out – it’s not like I’m unpopular, ‘cos we always have a wicked night together, but I’m starting to worry that I’m the butt of a joke. I tried to ask one of them but he just laughed it off and said not to worry and just take the joke. Thing is, it’s not that funny anymore, it happens every time and it’s pissing me off. What do you reckon I should say or do? My mum thinks I’m being petty but we do go out a lot and I want to feel comfortable dancing on my own as well as with them. Thanks, Jordan I like it when people admit they have problems. It makes me feel better about myself. The path to being normal is usually in admittance of a flawed mind, so well done. However, you’re buggered because I don’t like people who don’t capitalise the ‘M’ of my

name. I’m better than you, so you don’t call me "matt", or attempt to engage in friendly banter by saying "hi". I am known as "Sir" or "Dear gair rhydd". By this insincere use of words, I will think you are a liar and inherently will not ever be able to like you. As for your problems (I say problems because you went to your mother before you came to me), your friends don’t want to be associated with someone that a) dances like a crack-addled penguin with birth defects and/or b) punches the air with glee when someone offers them a pint. I’m willing to bet my editorial control that you were the guy at school who would throw Maltesers at people because it was "funny" and that when the tiny child dropped his food in the canteen you’d be the first to waffle your cutlery on the table and make a hideous atonal noise at the prospect of your mates laughing at someone else. Aye, you embarrass them. You can’t consistently move your limbs. I would suggest you remain seated for the duration of club night. And stop mouthing lyrics to songs you don’t know, and walking like you’ve got a lampshade wedged in your anus. You are pointless. Matt

To be continued... "Oh Mindy, I know you’re right. I have to tell him, it’s just choosing the right time."

"Tom, there’s something I need to…" "Shhh. No words, Sugarlips. Get those sweet buns up those stairs!"

"Hayley, you’re not like the other girls. You’re "ARGHHHHHH!!. Ahhhhh. Why didn’t you special." say your family was from Bangkok???" "You wouldn’t believe how special I am Tom. Take me!"

December 1 2003

Five minute fun

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grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

Continuing the incredibly popular series of exclusive scripts for deleted scenes from The Matrix, help yourself to this stellar treat, which I shall be calling Number Two. Genius. Glad the world is sharing in my enjoyment of the inspired marvel that is Revolutions - ain’t it brill? The Matrix Trilogy – Deleted scenes #2 INT. The Nebuchadnezzar. Link: Captain Morpheus? Morpheus: Yes. Link: You know this Neo guy? Morpheus: Yes. Link: Well, you believe him to be the One? Morpheus: Yes. Link: You believe that he will bring balance to the force? Morpheus: Er, what? Link: Neo has the highest mitichlorian count you have ever seen? Morpheus: Link, have you been drinking Dozer's special brew again? Link: All I'm saying is that you believe that the skinny white guy is going to be the saviour of humanity. Right?

Morpheus: Indeed.

Link: [hums a bit of Sexual Healing] Morpheus: Stop it. Link: You ain't got no soul.

[Pause] Link: You know that thing where he blows up sentinels with his outstretched hand? Morpheus: Yes. Link: Jedi powers, man. Morpheus: Link, I am relieving you of your duties. Link: Oh, come on. Even those little sentinels that roll out and then unfold look just like the ones in The Phantom Menace. Morpheus: Shut up. Link: And you're a little bit Qui-Gon Jinn yourself there, buddy. Morpheus: What? Link: You know, the big Irish fella. Morphus: Link, I want you away from those controls right now. Link: Oh, come on. Morpheus: You're only here for the comedy double-takes and pop culture references anyway. Get out. Link: Dammit. But I promised Marvin Gaye's daughter that I'd drive the ship. Morpheus: I don't care.

[Link leaves in a huff] Morpheus: [over com] Trinity, please report to the bridge-like ship-steering room. [Morpheus waits] Trinity: Hi, Morpheus. Morpheus: Trinity. I want you to pilot the ship. Trinity: I can't do that. Morpheus: Why not? Trinity: Well, in the real world, all I get to do is shag Neo, or look worried about him and mop his brow. Morpheus: Oh. Trinity: Sorry. Morpheus: Well, I guess I'll have to borrow Will Smith's wife instead then. Trinity: 'Fraid so. Morpheus: I was in Apocalypse Now, you know. Trinity: I have to go now.

Bring completed crosswords to the office or put them in a purple competition boxes found in the union (by Wednesday if poss). The tiebreaker this week.... Write a haiku (3 lines, five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables) about your favourite lecturer (include their name and dept. with your entry)

____________________________________________ ____________________________________________ ____________________________________________ Once again a lack of respondents means that Nicola Tanner is the winner, by default. It hurts me to do this as I don’t think that sycophants should be rewarded. You know what I mean Nicola. Anyway, I don’t have a choice because someone has to win and I can’t just give out the prizes to my buddies. [Unless they enter the crossword.] Win a meal for two at the Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant, two meals with rice (excluding King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlick). Open Sunday - Thursday 6pm - 1am Friday and Saturday 6pm - 2am. 10 Mackintosh Place, 02920 481805

Remember The Biggest Bar Event of the Year

Drink the Bar Dry! 12TH December 2003 Doors open 12 noon Doors close 2am SOLUS & Taf Bar Cardiff Students’ Union

“

I’d love to get my first cap... it would be fantastic. Men’s AFC on verge of title

”

Sophie Armstrong, November 2003 Sophie Armstrong: interview

Page 38

Issue 752 01 December2003 Sport Editors: Riath AlSamarrai, David Williams Email: grsport@cardiff.ac.uk Website: www.gairrhydd.net

page 39

Swim club page 38

Should the Six Nations become nine? Below Page 37

Leave the six nations alone

DAVID CAMPESE’S boiling blood is still to cool since England wrestled the William Webb Ellis trophy from his homeland, and already the ruling powers of the southern hemisphere are hatching a plan to cash in on the World Cup. Sanzar, the governing body of the tri-nation heavyweights, propose a Super Nine tournament pitting the cream of rugby from the South against the elite six nations of Europe. John O’Neill, the chief executive of the Australian Rugby Union, envisages three pools of three teams battling on a biennial basis, tapping into audiences and sponsors with new-found interest in the game. This is the latest in many attempts by Sanzar to converge the two major factions of world rugby, but like those before, it is flawed. T h e romance of the World Cup lies in the cre-

ation of clashes that only occur years apart. Australia 2003 lacked a real upset, but the element of surprise from the likes of Samoa, Fiji and Japan shook the old guard of international rugby. This should be the springboard from which such secondary teams can develop, yet in a bid to generate money for the established nations, the less affluent will once again be treading water in the IRB pool of wealth. Likewise, the beauty of a global centrepiece every four years is seeing how Europe’s finest fair against the tri-nations in competitive, cut-throat rugby. Trans-hemispheric battles take place every autumn, but their experimental nature devalue the matches as true ‘Tests’. The Super Nine cup would dim the aura of the World Cup, not to mention putting

Daniel Evans urges the IRB not to bring north and south together

This week, sports reporter Ben Wright goes kung fu fighting at the kickboxing club and lives to tell the tale Kickboxing and I: a pairing that seemed to exemplify the words ‘chalk’ and ‘cheese.’ After last week’s Mr Miyagi comments and the previous week’s ill-discipline, I would be forgiven for thinking that I would end up as the human equivalent of a punchbag. Fortunately, there was no ‘serious’ combat involved. But the wounded soldier stance and pathetic limping around the gair rhydd office has caused much mirth. With every sport there is always a warm up. A 10 or 15 minute period where you have a little jog, maybe a stretch and then the tough work begins. Kickboxing, however, does not seem to have distinguished between the two. It is all tough work. Considering I couldn’t keep up with the netball team two weeks ago, how was I going to cope with vigorous and strenuous cardio-vascular exercise? After a nice little jog (which lured me into a completely

false sense of security) the press ups started. And the sit ups. And calf muscle exercises. I could go on. Sadly, my puny body could not and when the class was told to do 50 (yes, 50) sit ups, my stomach buckled after 20. I heard the words “utter, utter crap” thrown in my direction and then noticed sever-

hurt This is going to really

yet neither of these emerging teams hold a place at O’Neill’s privileged table. It is important to capitalise on the marketability of the sport after a tournament which made £20m for the ARU alone, but there is a gulf between the rich and poor and a chasm in class between the strong and the weak. Many cringed at the 100-point mismatches that littered the World Cup. Investment and credible competition are needed if minor nations such as those in Eastern Europe are to improve and avoid future embarrassment. The Super Nine may line the pockets of the founding fathers of rugby, but for the IRB World Cup to gain the global respect of FIFA’s football festival, much still needs to be done.

TOP OF THE WORLD

extra strain on top international stars. The professional era is a brutal mutation of the days when rugby was a part-time recreation. Players are faster, dedicated and more skilful - not to mention bigger, stronger and more aggressive. Jonny Wilkinson, for example, is

Wright’s weird weekends

I’VE NEVER HAD a fight in my life. The closest I have ever come was on a night out in Swansea when I ran like the proverbial ‘big girl’s blouse’ that I am often accused of being.

pushed to the physical limit by a gruelling schedule which includes the Premiership, Zurich Championship, domestic and European Cup, and a 12-month international season. Any more rugby could lead to wide-scale burn out. There is a strong case to question who exactly are the Super Nine of world rugby today. Argentina have beaten France twice in a year and run many top teams close. Scotland’s last gasp winner against Fiji was f a r from convincing,

By John Stanton Rugby correspondent AUSTRALIA 17 - 20 ENGLAND

al bemused glances from fellow students whom I had failed to keep up with during the ‘warm up’. Luckily, I befriended a relative newcomer called Dan who told me, “It’s difficult at first, but you get used to it. Anyway, the kick and punch bag work is next…” The ‘bag-work’ was where I seemed to save some face though, as I was determined to make up for my pitiful earlier attempts at keeping up with the pace. After a couple of early attempts at twist kicking which owed more to ballet than kickboxing, I seemed to find my feet, thanks to the encouraging words of instructor Karl Carter and club chief (and ex-world Champion) Spiro Micallef. Chatting to them, I found them to be both warm and incredibly affable people. Carter commented, “It’s tough at first but after the first two weeks you get settled in fine. It’s not all about fighting, it’s about fitness and self-discipline.” The zeal of Micallef interjected, “We teach balance, co-ordination and discipline. We may seem like disciplinarians who are strict, but a true martial artist has control and composure, both in their ability to fight and as a person.” Wise words indeed, and if I can get the feeling back in my legs, then I think it’s worth checking out again. Next term, Ben will be going to join the cheerleaders, so pick up gair rhydd and watch him shake those pom poms.

ENGLAND’S WORLD CUP campaign ended in glory as they defeated world champions Australia 20-17 in Sydney, thanks to a Jonny Wilkinson last minute drop kick. Clive Woodward’s team confounded the critics who had ridiculed their championship hopes earlier in the tournament. The history books will show that England won all seven of their games in Australia and consequently became the first ever team to take the Webb Ellis trophy north of the equator. Despite below-par performances against Samoa and Wales, England paced themselves well and struck form when it was most needed. The final demonstrated why England can now rightfully call themselves the best team, at present, in world rugby. They proved that they are not solely reliant on the boot of Jonny Wilkinson, despite only scoring two tries in the knock-out rounds. Indeed, Jason Robinson’s exhilarating try and some outstanding play throughout the forwards, will ensure that Wilkinson’s missed penalties will be forgotten amidst the euphoria of victory. Woodward faced and defied the Australian media who ridiculed him throughout the tournament. He did not shift from his preferred playing style, as Will Carling’s England did to their cost in the 1991 final. Woodward showed strength in adversity and instilled in his side a sense of impenetrability which proved invaluable amid testing conditions. A generation of England fans have a team in which they can take pride of, but will it be another 40 year wait for glory?

Sport

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December 1 2003

grsport@cf.ac.uk

Firsts past the winning post By Jon Tuscany Football Correspondent CARDIFF 1sts 4 ABERYSTWYTH 1sts 1 WHEN THE CHIPS were down, Cardiff produced their best display of the season, destroying a hapless Aberystwyth 4-1. Needing a win to stay in conPHOTO: James Taylor

Cardiff celebrate another goal

tention for the league title, Cardiff betrayed the conditions to serve up a treat of fast, flowing football, against a side who had beaten them earlier in the season. Barring an unlikely slip-up against the minnows of the league, the final week of BUSA will now see Cardiff and Hartpury battle it out for the league title. The goals went in as early as the 10th minute. A long clearance from Orral Nadjari was not dealt with by a static Aber defence, allowing wingback Mark Lucas to steal in and head past a stranded Aber keeper. Lucas was outstanding throughout what was his first start for the first XI. This goal settled any nerves and provided a platform for Cardiff to turn on the style. Captain Matt Kay and coach Jamie Parkinson had demanded more creativity from their side after an inept performance against the Medics a week earlier, the returning Toan Ravenscroft obliging throughout. He carved out the opening for the

second goal on 35 minutes, allowing Si Green to coolly place home. Soon it was three, a brisk counter attack resulting in Green heading home a pinpoint Mike Rabjohns cross. Aber were all over the place, and the half time whistle was a welcome relief for their beleaguered players. There was to be no respite however, as Cardiff continued where they had left off. Rabjohns missed two good opportunities before finishing off a fine move for Cardiff ’s fourth. More chances fell to Green, Lucas, and Paul Avery as they looked to extend their lead further, but to no avail. It was not to be a clean sheet however, a deflected free kick sailing through the wall and beating a sprawling Nadjari. One worrying aspect for Cardiff is the continued poor form of Simon Yates. The Christmas break should serve him well. Three wins in three games after Christmas, including that showdown with Hartpury, will confirm Cardiff as league champions.

AU gathers slaves for sport By Alex Parks WEDNESDAY NIGHT’S Rubber Duck was certainly a night not to be missed. This year’s annual Athletic Union Auction was more raunchy and successful than ever, including performances from Funky Arse Disco Dancers, football, lacrosse, windsurfing, netball and cheerleading clubs, men and women’s hockey, rugby and squash sides. First on stage were the Funky Arse Disco Dancers who, dressed in leopard skin tops and hot pants, certainly set the scene and warmed the

By Tom Brown AU President THE LIGHTS of Solus Nightclub saw the return of the annual AU Auction, where the clubs performed to the delights, and for the enter tainment, of the crowds. This year’s theme was Bling Bling, Pimps, and Playas. Drunken antics, raw talent, as well as loss of clothes, dignity and brain cells were once again delivered. I’d like to say congratulations and a massive thank you to MC King Dong (Phil Moody) and his Top Bitch (Bethan Skelton) for all

crowd up for a night of fun, filth and flesh. They were followed by the football boys who had all the girls screaming as they did their own impressions of Justin Timberlake. Next it was the turn of the lacrosse girls who performed a very raunchy number, which fetched them high scores and bids, especially among the male members of the audience. The netball girls were the best act in the judges’ eyes, with each giving them a high score for different aspects of their performance. The hockey boys provided an entertaining if somewhat controvertheir hard work in the preparation and organisation of the event. Earlier the same day, Bethan Skelton was once again the centre of attention when she was awarded player of the match after a superb performance in the hockey third team’s 3-1 victory over arch rivals Swansea 2nds. The ladies’ hockey 2nds also had a 1-0 victory over Gloucester 2nds with a last minute goal from player of the match Jo Safe. The rugby first team had their away fixture against Southampton Institute postponed due to a waterlogged pitch. Play still went ahead though for the rugby 2nds who beat Swansea 2nds 19 points to 7. The ladies’ rugby team continued their amazing undefeated run after coming from behind to win 20-12 against Exeter. A half strength men’s badminton

sial performance, involving black bin liners and a lot of S&M. For the girls, the evening’s highlight involved the rugby boys, who provided the sexiest performance of the night, nearly resulting in multiple cases of indecent exposure. The unexpected addition to the act went down extremely well with the ladies, and went on to win them the DVD player. All in all, it was a fantastic night due to the efforts from all the teams and the hard work put in by Phil Moody and Bethan Skelton. The AU vices, who should perhaps think about careers in auction houses, were both excellent comperes. first team still managed to put on a great show by winning 6-2 against Gloucester. Two other victories in the indoor f ixtures went to the ladies volleyball for a 3-0 win over Bath with a great performance by Karen Albrecht. The men’s fencing team also won, after clinching their first win of the season 135-103 against Aberystwyth by taking all three weapons. Scores came from Max Weedon, Tom Martin, Ben Geerlings and player of the match Chris Powell. And finally, well done to the swimming team, who travelled to Weston-Super-Mare for the BUSA Short Course Championships. Fresher Rachel Banf ield took third place in both the 50m and 200m backstroke, whilst Laura Parry managed to reach the final of the 400m individual medley.

Swimmers tread Bath’s water By Gary Rees IT WAS A case of what might have been for Cardiff’s swimming team as they finished in mid table in the southern division of the BUSA team championships. Captains Gary Rees and Emma Bowman led a team comprising a mixture of youth and experience to Bath and into the uncertain waters of first division swimming. Despite some good results there was concern approaching the half way stage that Cardiff could be dragged into a relegation battle. These fears were swept aside when perhaps the most exciting new member of the team, Adam Rattenberry, took victory in the 100m butterfly.

The day’s highlights included Rattenberry speeding to victory in the 50m butterfly and Rachel Banfield winning the 50m backstroke. Despite some glorious swimming from Cardiff, it was not enough and they were forced to settle for an anticlimactic mid-table finish.

Bath, venue for BUSA champs

WOMEN’S CRICKET with Charlotte Cloke CARDIFF’S OLD GIRLS came close to winning this year’s indoor cricket tournament at Talybont, eventually losing to Cambridge. Event organiser Katy Lee was happy with the turn out but understandably disappointed that neither of the two Cardiff teams entered came out on top. Cardiff ’s first team finished fourth with the second team back in seventh. The competition saw a number of Cardiff newcomers play for both sides along with six other teams

BUSA Results Men’s Basketball

from across the country. For Cardiff 1sts, Cat Wray stood out for her all round display of bowling, batting and fielding. Jo Lindley stood out for the 2nds who also excelled in all areas of the game. Cambridge ran out winners by 16 runs in the final in an event that was keenly supported by Cardiff ’s cricket followers. Hopefully, next year’s competition can produce even better results for the Cardiff teams and maybe they can go one better than their fourth and seventh finishes this time round.

ROUND-UP Wednesday November 26 49 - 84

Oxford

Men’s Football 1sts

4-1

Aberystwyth

Men’s Football 2nds

2-1

Aberystwyth

Men’s Football 3rds

3-6

UWIC

Men’s Rugby 2nds

19 - 7

Swansea

Men’s Badminton 1sts

6-2

Gloucester

Men’s Badminton 2nds

0-9

Bath

Men’s Hockey 1sts

0-4

Gloucester

Men’s Hockey 2nds

0-1

Exeter

Men’s Hockey 3rds

1-1

Aberystwyth

Men’s Tennis

4-2

Swansea

Lacrosse

13 - 2

Golf

2-4

Women’s Fencing

W/O

RAC Southampton Swansea

Women’s Badminton

0-9

Bath

Women’s Hockey 1sts

2-7

Bristol

Women’s Hockey 2nds

1-0

Gloucester

Women’s Hockey 3rds

3-1

Swansea

Netball 1sts

44 - 48

Brunel

Netball 2nds

34 - 37

Exeter

Netball 3rds

24 - 54

Bath

Netball 4ths

18 - 48

UWIC

Women’s Tennis

3-3

Exeter

Women’s Volleyball

3-0

Bath

IMG Sport

December 1 2003

Page 39

grsport@cf.ac.uk

GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS - GR

GR SPORT FOLIO Sophie Armstrong Women’s Netball Team By James Cooke PRIDE, COMMITMENT AND ambition are character traits that could one day soon, see first team netball captain Sophie Armstrong, wearing a much coveted Wales shirt and representing the country in international competition. Having been selected as an emergency squad member for the

National Academy, Sophie, studying Medicine, is within touching distance of international recognition. "I’d love to get my first cap, my chance is coming up next February so, if I could get selected, it would be fantastic." If Sophie can reproduce the form that earned her the title of AU Fresher of the Year in 2001/02, and

now sees her captaining one of the largest university clubs, then that cap would be richly deserved. Aside from personal aspirations, captaincy brings responsibility for a whole team and despite a few unfortunate results in recent weeks, Sophie is clearly proud of the talent and potential within the club. "We’re not doing brilliantly and it’s a shame because we’ve got loads of really good players but we just can’t seem to get it together as a team yet. All four teams are in BUSA and we play in a local league on Thursday, and the first team’s in the Premiership for that, so we’re quite a successful club in that respect." Last week’s defeat to near rivals UWIC is put into perspective when you consider they are under the guidance of the Welsh Senior Coach, and dominate the Welsh Universities squad for 2003. "We lost by 20, which wasn’t too bad, we played really well actually,

but we just lost it towards the end." Sophie’s performances with the university in the past few years ensured her selection for the Welsh Universities side, which in April of this year secured a narrow four point victory over neighbours and archrivals England Universities. Curious as to whether the fervent, cross-border rivalry extends to netball, my question was answered with a resounding ‘yes’, and a laugh that seemed to say, trust me, I’ve been there. Sophie makes no attempt to hide her English roots, though, and recalls her netball history in her native Nottingham. "I started playing when I was about 10 years old, my school was very good for netball, so I was very lucky there." So why is it that such a traditional sport, played throughout lower education, has such a low profile in this country?

FEATURED MATCH: Chemsoc v Lokomotiv Engin

"It’s the most played sport by young women in the country so technically we should have loads of support but it’s not well advertised. It also depends how well you’re doing. I mean England came fourth in the World Championships, which helped, but the sport needs more publicity." Regardless of profile and professionalism, Sophie’s regime underlines the commitment and ‘love of the game’ which are essential to reach this level of sporting achievement. "For the uni team, we train Sunday night on fitness, and Monday, then play Wednesday and Thursday, with training for Wales on a Tuesday and once a month on weekends. It’s quite a commitment." Equally important though, both for the individual and the netball club as a whole, is that netball is enjoyed on and off the court: "We have a good social life and it’s great fun."

Group A

IMG Pos

P

W

D

L

GD

1 Momed

7

7

0

0

21

21

2 Earth Soc

7

5

1

1

15

3 Economics

7

4

1

2

18

16 13

4 Accountancy

7

3

1

3

1

10

5 Myg Myg

7

2

2

3

-1

8

6 Law B

7

2

1

4

-7

7

7 Optometry

7

2

0

5

-6

8 Cathays FC

7

0

0

7

-29

6 0

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 FC Real

7

6

1

0

20

19

Lokomotiv Engin: Fortuna 7, Probert 7, (Davies 7) Tilley 7, Oakley 8, Hall 8 (Udoh 7), Dowell 8, Ellis 7 (Killick 7), Oliver 8, Thannos 7 (Thomas 7), Allsop 8, Price 8.

2 Carbs A

7

5

1

1

21

16

3 Irish FC

7

5

1

1

13

16

4 Christian Union

7

4

1

2

21

13

5 AFC History

7

3

0

4

4

9

Star Player: Ricardo Echeverria-Valda The Bolivian striker’s ‘never say die’ attitude and silky skills constantly gnawed at Chemsoc’s defence.

6 Uni Hallstars

7

2

0

5

9

6

7 Xpresston NE

7

1

0

6

-5

3

8 English Soc

7

0

0

7

-73

0

PHOTO: Ben Wright

By Ben Wright Chemsoc 1 Lokomotiv Engin 2 Entertainment Value: 7/10 Chemsoc: Jones 6, Hayes 7 (Baker 7), Kemp 6, Hammond 6, Atkinson 7, Green 6, Gryffydd 7, White 7 (Jones 7), Espley 7, Echeverria-Valda 9, (Harris 7), Nowaczyk 6 (Wood 6),

IN A TIGHTLY FOUGHT MATCH between two determined sides, two goals from Craig Price, including a late winner, ensured that Lokomotiv Engin emerged victorious. Engin, clear favourites going into the match, dominated the early stages of the game. After a mere five minutes, a precision pass from Alan Dowell sent Darren Alsop through on goal only for him to launch it over the crossbar. Chemsoc goalkeeper Tim Jones looked nervy and unsettled at times and a fumbled save was capitalised on by Price who hammered Engin into the lead. However, Price’s goal became the turning point for Chemsoc who upped the tempo of their game instantly. Echeverria-Valda was at the heart of every attack and, after coming close on a number of occasions, the Bolivian striker levelled the score close to half time with a superb display of skill that left the

FOOTBALL RESULTS WEEK 7

Group B

I MG Pos

Lokomotiv Engin defence scratching their heads in amazement. The equaliser rattled Engin and inspired Chemsoc and the game suddenly transformed itself into a fiercely contested match. Sam Hall’s performance best illustrated this after a challenge that left him with a bloodied nose. He soldiered on but became the game’s first casualty a mere two minutes later, when he went in strongly for a challenge and accidentally had the ball thrust into his already crimson red nose. In the second half the weather took a turn for the worse and the already sodden pitch became akin to a quagmire. The mud, sweat, and tears etched onto both teams faces almost made its players virtually unrecognisable. At times it looked more like a Celtic battle re-enactment than a football match. Despite the game not being a paragon of

Group C

I MG

Locomotiv neutralise the Chemsoc defence superb skill, both sides showed sheer grit and determination. However, on a positive note, Chemsoc and ladies’ Welsh international Gemma Harris made Cardiff University history by becoming the first woman to play in a competitive university match. It was perhaps tactically naïve that Harris was not introduced into the game earlier as she seemed to inject some urgency into Chemsoc’s play. Harris though, gave away a dreadful free kick which led to a corner where Price was on the end of it to catapult Engin back into the lead again. Chemsoc still refused to relent, but even goalkeeper Jones’ heroic bicycle kick in the dying minutes could not level the game. Chemsoc’s determination was incredibly commendable but at the end of the day it was not enough against the neat and quick passing of Lokomotiv Engin.

Pos

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 M. Madrid

7

6

1

0

20

19

2 Afro-Caribbean

7

6

0

1

9

19

3 John Jenkins FC

7

4

0

3

2

12

4 Jomec

7

3

2

2

3

11

5 Accoun. Stanley

7

2

2

3

4

8

6 Bute Park Utd

7

1

2

4

-15

5

7 Carbs B

7

1

2

4

-13

5

8 Planderlecht

7

0

1

6

-12

1

Group D

I MG Pos

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Law A

7

6

0

1

27

19

2 Lokomotiv Engin

7

6

0

1

22

19

3 Gym Gym

7

6

0

1

13

18

4 The George FC

7

3

0

4

12

5 Chemsoc

7

3

0

4

3

9 9

6 Athletico Roy

7

3

0

4

15

9

7 Japsoc

7

0

1

6

-30

1

8 Pharm AC

7

0

1

6

-31

1

Group A

Group B

Group C

Group D

Earth Soc 5 Optometry 2

Carbs A 4 AFC History 3

Jomec 2 John Jenkins FC 5

Law A 4 Gym Gym 1

A. Stanley 0 Afro Caribbean Soc 2

The George FC 7 Pharm AC 1

Law B 4 Myg Myg 4

Xpresston NorthEnd 2 FC Real 6

Pts

Cathays FC 2 Momed 5

English Soc 4 Irish FC 12

Bute Park Utd FC 6 Planderlecht 2

Chemsoc 1 Lokomotiv Engin 2

Economics 4 Accountancy 1

Christian Union 5 Uni Hallstars 1

Mathletico Madrid 11 Carbs B 2

Athletico Roy 2 Japsoc 1

“My shoulders are aching, I’ve had to carry Rabjohns all season”

Si Green, Men’s AFC

Ben Wright

IMG

Read how the resident sports monkey got on with the kickboxing club Page 37

Locomotiv Engin face off against Chemsoc, read the featured match to find out more Page 39 email grsport@cf.ac.uk

December 1 2003 - Issue 752

ONE MORE STEP Uni boys are one game away from title

Cardiff 4 - 1 Aberystwyth

MATCH REPORT PAGE 38

PHOTO: James Taylor

Who needs ‘66 By John Stanton

ENGLAND WERE crowned champions of the rugby world in Sydney as they overcame Australia in a thrilling encounter, securing their finest sporting achievement for 37 years. The entire England squad achieved legendary status previously afforded only to the members of the triumphant

1966 football team. For Ramsay read Woodward, for Moore, Johnson and where Geoff Hurst once fired England to world domination, this current crop of world beaters had their own number ten to secure extra time victory. As England’s ‘grumpy old men’ mustered every ounce of energy and strained every sinew, Jonny Wilkinson stepped forward to confirm his place amongst the nation’s sporting heroes. The match bordered on the unbear-

able until an entire nation simultaneously breathed a collective sigh of relief and erupted with joy as Wilkinson’s last minute drop goal ensured England became the first northern hemisphere team to win rugby’s ultimate prize. England’s 20-17 win, their fifth consecutive defeat of the Wallabies, confirmed their place in the pantheon of sporting greats. MATCH REPORT: PAGE 37

GAIR RHYDD IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT SHARMAN IN PETERBOROUGH■ THE GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■SHITTING ON ALEX IS UNDERRATED■COBLEY NAKED SHAME IN LONDON-INDECENT EXPOSURE CHARGE AGAINST GINGER KID IMMINENT■COBLEY IN LEEDS UNI ORGY SHOCKER■ANDY-THAT’S A SNAP■