Saturday
May 30 - June 5 2005
Page 31
lastchancesaloon@givemethefuckinglifetimeachievementawardorI’llbehereuntilI’mfifty.co.uk
06.00 GMTV2 09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 14.30 Celebrity Fit Club 15.30 Holiday Showdown 16.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 17.00 IRB Rugby Sevens Live 19.00 Celebrity Fit Club USA 19.50 Love Chain 20.15 Holiday Showdown 21.15 FILM: The Skulls 23.20 Celebrity Love Island Live 02.15 Emmerdale Omnibus 04.40 Teleshopping 05.40 ITV2 Nightscreen Oh man, it’s been a while since I’ve had to write two days of TV. Not since the hazy days of last year when it was me, TV Holly and TV Andy at the helm, I miss those days, with Andy bigging up obscure hip-hop, and I’m sure there were good sunsets behind the psychology buildings last year. None of that this year. This is my last TV desk of the 2004/2005 season, I’m fucking off to London next week to check out The Magnolia Electric Company at Bush Hall. Enjoy the last few un-hilarious drunken rambles, and see you next year!
19.00 Beethoven Classic Archive: Symphonies 1-3 21.00 The Thick of It 21.30 Je t'aime Europe No thanks. My one experience in Europe involved a school trip to the Asterix Theme Park in year 7, which completely sucked. Everyone apart from me thought they’d be real cool and buy cans of non-alcoholic beer from the vending machine for five francs each and pretend to be drunk in their hotel room. The theme park was ace though, although I went on the pirate boat too many times and felt violently ill, and it was at that point I hated everybody that was in my year at school including my former friends. But still, I’m the one who bought the Scatman John album and not them, so a rousing fuck you to you all. Erm, where was I? 22.25 BBC Four Sessions 23.25 Classic Soul at the BBC 24.25 The Thick of It 24.55 Tales from France 01.55 BBC Four Sessions 02.55 Classic Soul at the BBC Graham Norton attempts to reclaim his from Satan. 03.55 Close
Excess Baggage five 7.10pm
6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am THE Hoobs 7:00am Transworld Sport 8:00am The Morning Line 9:00am T4 9:30am T4: Futurama 10:00am T4: hit40uk 10:30am T4: Big Brother 11:00am T4: Big Brother 11:30am T4: Sin City: T4 Special 12:00pm T4: The Simple Life 2: Road Trip “Next stop, a nudist colony!” says the blurb. Next stop, slitting my wrists and letting the blood spurt into my throat. 12:30pm T4: Pure T4 1:00pm T4: Point Pleasant 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 3:35pm Force of Nature 4:05pm Angels One Five 5:55pm Jun Chao Turns on Mao Sounds suspiciously like a TV Holly headline. 6:25pm Channel 4 News 6:55pm Film: Sense and Sensibility 9:25pm Big Brother 10:15pm Our Survey Says: The Ultimate Game Show Moments Very promising, if you ignore the presence of Iain Lee. Admittedly, this sounds like a re-hash of a show C4 showed about five years ago with Peter Kay, but whatever, game shows rule our lives. 11:55pm Eurotrash 12:25am Today at the Test 12:55am Big Brother Live 4:05am South American Football Championship 5:00am Countdown 5:45am Greetings from Tucson 6:10am Close I’ve reached the stage tonight where I’m too tired to be doing this. God, I’ve got to start work in just over six hours, and I’m really enjoying Geordie’s Mark Knopfler CD. What’s happening to me? I need some vodka right NOW.
6:00am Big Brother Live 12:50pm Sin City: T4 Movie Special 1:20pm Big Brother 1:50pm Big Brother 2:25pm hit40uk 2:50pm Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm The O.C. 7:00pm The O.C. 8:00pm Fiends 8:30pm Fiends 9:00pm Johnny Vegas: 18 Stone of Idiot Not to be confused with Johnn Vaughan: 18 cockney jokes that all suck, Johnny English: 18 seconds of comedy stretched over 2 hours of unrivalled badness, Johnny Cash: 18 breaths with Roseanne before he snuffed it, Johnny Mnemonic: 18 certificate bum love, Johnny Depp: 18 films, 18 reasons to turn gay, Johnny Briggs: 18 years ago and it’s still cack, Johnny Ball: 18 scientific magic tracks and I still don’t know how photosynthesis works, or Johnny Borrell from Razorlight: 18 mousetraps attached to his monkey-faced chops, please. 10:05pm Derren Brown: The Gathering 11:15pm Big Brother Live ajadaj!
06.00 Sunrise 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Mio Mao 07.30 Funky Valley 07.35 Make Way for Noddy 07.50 Rolie Polie Olie 08.25 Franklin 08.55 George Shrinks 09.25 Beyblade 09.50 Hercules: The Legendary Journeys 10.45 Beast Wars 11.20 Home and Away Omnibus 13.25 FILM: For the Love of the Game Unlikely suspects stand up and declare their love for the G-Unit “genius” that is the Game. Wow, there’s a picture of him holding a baby on the CD sleeve, so he’s got to be a sensitive kinda guy. This also could be a film for people declaring their adoration of George Costanza’s Nazi alias in Seinfeld, and his anti-semitic book ‘The Game’, here’s hoping. 15.55 FILM: Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island 17.30 Charmed 18.20 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 19.10 FILM: Excess Baggage 21.05 five news 21.25 CSI:NY 22.25 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 23.20 FILM: Cruising 01.15 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 02.10 FILM: Gloria I know someone called Gloria, possibly named after the Patti Smith song. Which is better than being named after the Australian slang for toilet, what you write just before you die, your P’s and Q’s, a book about what some little tart did, an overcooked rugby player or a grape from The Garden Gang. 04.05 Sunset Beach 04.50 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.35 Sons and Daughters
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PRIMETIME
6.00 GMTV 6.00-9.25 Toonattak 9.25 MOM 11.30 cd:uk 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.40 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.45 European GP2. 1.20 Britain's Best Back Gardens 1.50 Quincy, ME. To Clear the Air 2.50 FILM: The 'Burbs. Early film in the Tom Hanks filmography. Twat, although early twat, and maybe not so bad. He’s always been a poor man’s Bill Murray though, hasn’t he? 4.40 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 4.55 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5.10 You've Been Framed Kids Special Children aren’t funny! 6.10 FILM: Kindergarten Cop “Kindergarten Crap” more like. 8.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9.10 ITV News 9.25 Murder in Suburbia: Estate Agents A crime not worth solving. 10.25 Celebrity Love Island 11.25 FILM: The Graduate Starring firstly, Dustin Hoffmans nose, and then secondly, the rest of Dustin Hoffman, five minutes later. 1.20 The Magnificent Seven 2.05 cd:uk 2.55 The Pitts 3.20 Entertainment Now! 3.45 Alicia Keys in Profile Hands up who can think of anything positive to say about Alicia Keys?... 4.10 Cybernet 4.35 Get Stuffed! 4.45 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News ...I’m still waiting. Anyone? Anyone got anything nice to say?
P R I M E T I M E
E M I T E M I R P
PRIMETIME
19.00 Strictly Dance Fever on Three 19.45 Doctor Who Confidential 20.15 Jacko: the Next Move Hands behind the back, cuffing and being chained to an axe murderer in Alcatraz. They’re reopening it just for him. 21.15 Farscape 22.00 Three's Outtakes 22.05 Strictly Dance Fever on Three 22.25 Film: Out of Sight Film I always get confused with U Turn. Which is the one that has the David Holmes sountrack and has George Clooney in? If this is it, then I remember it being pretty good. If not, then I can’t comment as I haven’t seen U Turn. 24.20 Doctor Who Kids - just say no. 01.05 Doctor Who Confidential 01.35 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.05 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps With Will “son of David” Mellor. 02.35 15 Storeys High 03.05 Country Strife Erm can I think of a hilarious anecdote involving me in the countryside? No, but I set my dressing gown on fire on Sunday. 04.05 Close
6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Saturday Kitchen 11:30 Ever Wondered about Food? 12:00pm: See Hear 12:45 Trade Secrets 12:55 Talking Movies 1:20 The Garden with Dan Pearson. 1:50 French Open Tennis 3:30 Castle in the Country 4:30 Monk 5:10 The Casebook of Sherlock Holmes 6:05 Flog It! 7:05 Porridge 7:35 The Nazis 8:25 How We Fell for Europe I often used to stare wide-eyed and saucy, everytime VH1 hits played The Final Countdown. 9:25 Soul Deep: The Story of Black Popular Music 10:25 Conviction 11:25 Have I Got News for You 11:55 Dead Ringers 12:25am: FILM: Road Games Chicken, who can reverse their car the fastest down the M3 extension?, roofrack surfing, caravan kicking, throw the dog out the sunroof game, etc 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Hitting Targets The eight year old buying Crazy Frog in Woolworths at fifteen paces! Go! 2:30 Evaluating Preschool Education 3:00 Uncertain Principles 3:30 Wild Moves 4:00 Open Advice 4:30 What's Right for Children? A good kick up the ass and their faces shoved into a man-trap. 5:00 Controlling Carnival Crowds? Advice you’ve always wanted for those day-to-day situations. 5:50 Ever Wondered?
Castle in the Country BBC2 3.30pm
Your Union
6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo! 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Tom and Jerry Kids 7:30 Dennis the Menace 7:55 Watch My Chops 8:15 The Mummy 8:35 Fairly Odd Parents 9:00 The Saturday Show 10:30 The Basil Brush Show 10:55 What's New Scooby Doo? 11:15 The Story of Tracy Beaker 11:35 CBBC Show Selecta 12:00pm: BBC News; Weather 12:10 The Father Dowling Mysteries 1:00 Derby Day Grandstand Fifth-rate ned racing. Although in my second year I remember watching the Derby one Saturday followed by a repeat of Only Fools and Horses, and then went and got drunk in a hotel, so I have a few fond memories. Unlike the rest of the second year. 4:50 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5:10 Weakest Link 6:00 Strictly Dance Fever 7:00 Doctor Who 7:45 The National Lottery: Come and Have a Go 8:35 Casualty 9:25 Strictly Dance Fever 10:05 BBC News; Weather. 10:25 FILM: Shanghai Noon Buddy boy bollocks that Jackie Chan can’t seem to get away from these days. 12:10am: Derby Day Highlights 12:30 FILM: Chato's Land 2:15 Top of the Pops Good Charlotte, 50 Cent and John Legend are among the artists playing. The new Good Charlotte single can indefinitely kiss my ass. I don’t mind John Legend, despite the fact he’s named after a Bob Marley compilation. 50 Cent’s a big girl’s blouse though, the bug-eyed nancy boy. 2:45 Joins BBC News 24 gdfgdftggdfgdfg
Uncertain Principles BBC2 3am
P R I M E T I M E
The Graduate ITV1 11.25pm
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06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 Transworld Sport 08:00 Morning Line 08:55 Time Team Special 09:55 Mind Your Manners It's a tough call for the two Manners Mistresses. Grace and Katy. 10:20 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 10:45 Point Pleasant 11:35 The O.C. 12:25 The O.C. 13:15 Star Trek Enterprise 14:00 Channel 4 Raacing 15:35 THE Airships 16:35 The Guardian Hay Festival: Three Authors in Search of a Novel L17:30 Cyngerdd Yr Urdd 2005 19:15 Newyddion a Chweardeon 19:30 Eistedfford Yr Urdd Canolfan Milenwym Cymru 2005 22:00 O Flaen Dy Lygar 23:05 Tipyn o Stag Or “Tipping the Stag” as I’m hoping it’s called. A program about knocking over sleeping male deer. 23:35 Big Brother 00:25 Today at the Test 2nd TEST 00:55 Big Brother Live 03:30 Sin City: T4 Movie Special 04:00 South American Football Championship 2005 05:00 Kotv
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