gair rhydd - Issue 748

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CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

ISSUE 748. November 1

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Issue 4 - No vember 1 20 03

CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM

Interviews, Features,

Travel, Fashion, Music, Books, Riath Al-Samarrai, Blind Date, Films, Arts, Postcards, Going Out...

48 pages packed with glorious content

Thrilling!

Quench gets swea ty with the Thrill s

Interviews Fashion - Gay - Travel - Mus ic - Books - Digi tal - Film - Arts - Food - Goin g Out

Film kiss Mel Bro oks’ ass Fashion love Karen O Travel lose their pas sport

GROUND-BREAKING

By Anna Hodgekiss News Editor CARDIFF UNIVERSITY is set to hold the biggest and most spectacular student event of all time – a themed Christmas ball in the Millennium Stadium.

Ten thousand party-goers will be able to celebrate the festive season in style, according to plans unveiled by the Students' Union this week.

But students currently in their final year will be dismayed at the news that it will not happen until December 2004.

Story continued on Page 3

Xmas Ball to be held at Millennium Stadium

...but not until 2004

News

Page 2

November 1 2003

grnews@cf.ac.uk

At

a glance

News Editorial Cobley Politics Letters Listings Taf Od Media Jobs & Money Competitions TV Listings Five Minute Fun Sport

1 5 6 7 8 10 13 14 17 19 21 31 34

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson

ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss POLITICS Andrew Caldicott EDITORIAL AND OPINION Rhys James SPORT Dave Williams, Riath Al-Samarrai GET THERE Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop, TV Amy, TV Steve LETTERS & CROSSWORD James Anthony BIG WIN CIRCUS Leigh Debbage TAF-OD Rhys Iorwerth, Dewi Llyr, Angharrad George MEDIA Gary Andrews, Jen Crew FIVE MINUTE FUN Janine Jones PROOF READERS Alys Southwood, Sayan Chakraborty, Rosalyn Dewey, Rob Sharples, Mithu Mukherjee

CONTRIBUTORS Stephen Fishbourne, Andrew Cullen, Alison White, Jenny Taylor, Ali Bulloch, Claire Woods, Mark Jenkins, Davis Morris, Susan Doragh, Rosey Leech, Chloe Rollinson, A.J. Silvers, Jim Sefton, Sarah Bailey, Jenna Wilkcox, Laura Wright, Gwilym Clwyd, Owain Roberts, Vicky Corbett, Alex Dove, Steph Eagleton, Joe Davies, Nicola York, John Stanton, Owen Griffiths, James Cooke, Tom Curren, John Tuscany, Hywel Bevan, James Cole, Beca Murphy, Thom Airs

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

BY-ELECTION TRIUMPHS

ROGUES’ GALLERY: Sarah Rennie, Joao Martins and NItin Garg

By John Collingridge News Ed THREE NON-SABBATICAL positions were filled following the recent bi-election.

Candidates received news of the results on Wednesday evening.

The positions of ‘Students with Disabilities Officer’, ‘International Affairs Officer’ and ‘Postgraduate Officer’ were all contested posts, unfilled after last years’ main election.

The campaigns and subsequent

voting which took place at the start of last week saw Sarah Rennie win the post of ‘Students with Disabilities Officer’.

Joao Martins claimed ‘International Affairs Officer’ and Nitin Garg won ‘Postgraduate Officer’.

All three posts were won by fairly high margins, and the victors are set to commence work on their positions in the near future.

Sarah Rennie told gair rhydd of her elation at winning the post, "I’m so grateful to all those who voted.

"Thanks to everybody who supported me along the way.

"As soon as I saw that the position was open I knew instantly that it was something I wanted to get involved in.

"Now I just want to get started."

But the election was marred by a dismal turnout.

Of Cardiff University’s 16,000 students only about 450 turned out to vote, not including a number of votes which were lost due to spoiled ballots.

Choosy Cambridge

By Stephen Fishbourne Reporter

CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY is piloting a test designed to find students that will perform best in a degree.

This comes after UCAS revealed it receives an annual 25,000 applications for Oxford and Cambridge .

Nearly all candidates have flawless A-Level grades, and with only 7,000 undergraduate places on offer, the test aims to whittle down the shortlist.

The test is being piloted in 22 colleges with applicants for economics, engineering, computer science and natural sciences.

Dubbed ‘The Thinking Skills

Recycling gair rhydd last week reported complaints about the new recycling scheme in Cathays.

This week, Cardiff Council has the right to reply. A spokesman said: “Each recycling scheme has to work to its full potential before the scheme can be expanded further.

“This is why the Council has a comprehensive aftercare service to all residents on the scheme.

“Burying valuable materials in the ground is no longer feasible recycling and compost is the future.

“We welcome residents buying the green bags until we are able to bring a curb-side recycling scheme to their area.

“It must be understood it takes time to cover the 130,000 households across Cardiff. The Council expects to achieve this in four years.”

Assessment,’ it is designed to assess critical thinking and problem solving and is used as an extra tool in the admissions process.

Susan Stubbs, Director of Admissions at Cambridge, explained that the test had come about by a process of default. "The national examinations are not helping us much," she said.

Cambridge student Emma Robinson said, "The test will encourage students from poorer backgrounds, as public schools can’t ‘coach’ their applicants for it, and it will put everyone on an even par."

But Cardiff University English and Music student Hannah Muddiman expressed concern that "while the tests are a good idea, it’s concerning

CAMBRIDGE STUDENTS: tried and tested that they are necessary and that ALevels are no longer a credible indicator of academic ability."

Cardiff University has no plans to introduce such a test in the foreseeable future.

MEDIC SHORTAGE

By Andrew Cullen Reporter A £3 MILLION recruitment drive by the Government is set to encourage those from working class backgrounds to become medical students.

Britain currently needs over 10,000 doctors and 6,000 consultants.

The British Medical Association have welcomed the plan and responded by saying, "We have been campaigning to make the medical profession more accessible and less dominated by the middle classes."

Medics may leave university £50,000 in debt BMA research

The BMA have found that seven of every ten medical students are from professional or managerial backgrounds, with less than a fifth coming from families where the main source of income was through manual or routine work.

Despite the Government’s drive to get students from working class backgrounds into medicine, the threat of top-up fees suggests further decreases in the number of applications may be inevitable.

A BMA spokesperson said, "The biggest barrier to attracting working class people into the profession is tuition fees."

Potential medical students are being advised by the BMA to contact their local MPs about the situation.

The news comes after recent BMA research suggested that medical students may leave university with up to £50,000 in debt.

FEEDBACK

The union responds In response to a number of student concerns about the changes that have occurred in the students’ union, I would like set the record straight on a number of issues.

With regard to the small increase in drink prices, this is a necessity in order to provide ALL students with the services that they demand and require. Money that is spent within the club, pub, shop etc. is in turn, invested in not only in the maintenance and upkeep of these facilities, but also finances the services that the union provides. These services, in case you are unaware, include the volunteer centre (which some 10 per cent of the student body have recently signed up for) and the advice centre, a crucial service for a great number of students, as well as the Athletic Union and Societies which cater for so many. Unfortunately the cost of providing services such as these does increase.

Still, when comparing the prices of the union to many of our local competitors, it can be seen that in the vast majority of cases, the Union is still the cheapest place to drink.

Those ‘fancy new screens’, as was quoted in a recent letter, were not financed by the union. Indeed, this £35k worth of equipment did not cost the union a penny, and in fact generates revenue as well as making the place more attractive.

As for catering, ideally the union would provide a wide range of hot and cold meals to suit all. However, catering has proved to be a major headache for the Union over the previous years, generating huge losses due to the lack of demand compared to the costs involved.

Coupled with the fact that the University provides excellent, affordable catering in a number of places close to the union, it was decided that it was no longer feasible or economically viable to continue selling hot food.

Email the Finance officer Mike Rabjohns for further informations.

Rabjohnsm@cf.ac.uk

The End gair rhydd would like to clarify an article written in the October 18 edition, concerning the cover age of fighting in ‘The End’ pub on page 3. Whilst the article was in essence factually correct, the presentation may have exaggerated the incident.

The headline ‘Fight Club’ was in no way meant to suggest that fighting in ‘The End’ is commonplace.

In fact, the article complete with tagline "Is this what we want around our union" was entirely framed around criticising those involved, and went out of its way to praise what is an excellent student friendly pub. We would like to apologise if this impression of the pub was not prevalent.

News

November 1 2003

Page 3

grnews@cf.ac.uk

FEE SPIRITS

The message is clear, Mr Blair: students will not accept top-up fees and they are ready to fight

Pic: Ali Bulloch UNITED: Students from across the UK descend on Whitehall

By Alison White Reporter AN ESTIMATED 31,000 students took to the streets of London at Sunday’s demonstration against top-up fees - three times the amount that London metropolitan police had expected.

And Cardiff students provided their best turnout yet, almost quadrupling the attendance at last year’s

demo.

NUS president Mandy Telford told gair rhydd of her excitement at the huge response in London. She said, "It’s going to be clear to the government how many people hate their plans. This is the biggest student demonstration we’ve ever had.

"We’ve been on all the news channels, and coverage has continued throughout the day so nobody can ignore what we are about."

Ex-opposition leader Iain DuncanSmith also joined the march to let students know he would scrap tuition fees if elected, but only stayed talking to students in a pub for 20 minutes.

In response to this, Mandy Telford slammed Conservative proposals on higher education. Addressing crowds in Trafalgar Square she deemed them politically opportunistic and criticised plans which would lead to thousands of university places being cut.

Protestors brought central London to a standstill for several hours.

Students expressed strong views on Blair’s plans for top-up fees, citing concern for future generations as the reason they marched in London.

Marcher, and Cardiff biochemistry student, Alex said, "I came here because I believe education is a right, not a privilege."

Liverpool student Michael Ward explained, "I’m in my final year now but my little brother and sister are going to university one day and I’d rather they didn’t have to pay these fees.”

Strong visual messages conveyed the feelings of angry students.

Cardiff students wore T-shirts branding Labour’s plans as ‘barefaced cheek’ while Bristol marchers wore black armbands marking the ‘death

of education’.

Central School of Speech and Drama students made a poignant appeal to ‘bury the debt’ by four ‘pallbearers’ carrying a coffin on their shoulders throughout the march.

The general public were invited to ‘honk for education’ as they drove past the scores of protesters.

Of the increase in Cardiff students attending the march, Cardiff Union

President Finnbarr Graham said, "Things last year looked bleak and when you look at this year’s current situation we have quadrupled the amount of people we sent, with the prospect of increasing this next year.

"Emma Bebington’s work was fantastic and thoroughly planned out. That prior preparation led to the success at the end of it.”

Pic: Ali Bulloch

31,000 march on central London against top-up fees Xmas Ball at Millennium Stadium FLY POSTER CULPRITS TOLD TO BUZZ OFF from front page The Union’s general manager, Jason Dunlop, said, "Cardiff University has the best students’ union in the UK. It’s only right that we should have the biggest student gig.”

Organisers had hoped to secure the venue for next year’s summer ball, but its timing clashed badly with various sporting events being held in the city.

Jason explained, "Setting up a ball is a five-day job. The pitch needs taking out and a stage, among other things, has to go in.

"There was only a two-day window that the Stadium could accommodate us for this year, so it proved logistically impossible."

President of Cardiff University Students’ Union, Finnbarr Graham, added, "The summer ball is a very difficult event to organise, with very little time between the end of exams

and people going home.

"It emerged that Christmas was the best time for us and the Millennium Stadium to organise an event of this nature and scale."

And it seems the ball is more than just a pipe dream. Jason confirmed that negotiations have already begun over bar prices.

This will come as welcome news to disgruntled punters who attended the summer ball, with some paying up to £5 per drink.

"We realise the bar prices in the CIA in June were not affordable," said Finnbar. "The sabbatical team are also aware of what makes a good ball and have lots of experience to put on a fantastic event."

Another controversial issue is ticket prices. Jason reassured students, saying, "Research is already being done into ticket prices and we estimate they will be between the usual £25-£30.

"But in this case, students will get a lot more for their money. We want

to deliver something different that everyone will enjoy. This will be a quality, polished ball."

Provisional attractions are set to include fairground events, and different bands, but with the ball still a year off, the Union is hoping to negotiate national acts and promotion.

But while plans are made for next Christmas, several current third years are worried about the summer ball’s future.

Finnbarr admitted the venue is as yet undecided, but was confident the event would go ahead. "We hope to confirm plans for it this side of Christmas," he said.

A

poll will soon be appearing on the Students’ Union website, www.cardiffstudents.com, to assess whether students would attend the event. The union is urging students to log on and vote to ensure the event goes ahead.

By Jenny Taylor Reporter

SIGNS HAVE sprung up around the Students’ Union threatening a £250 fine for unauthorised posters at street level.

This follows a series of complaints from members of the public.

The fine was imposed by the union’s general manager, Jason Dunlop, in order to tidy up the student area of Cathays.

Communications and Community officer Emma Bebington backed the move, saying, "There are a lot of other people who are not students living and working in Cathays who want a nice community.

"And at the end of the day, flyer postering is illegal anyway."

But there are fears that the measure may increase the number of leaflets being distributed in and around the Students’ Union.

While many students gair rhydd asked seemed happy about the clear-

ing away of the poster clutter, several questioned whether the new scheme will transfer more mess on to the steps instead.

Second year Lucy said, “It’s not the posters that make all the mess here, it’s the leaflets that no one wants.”

Despite this, Emma is confident that there will be no rise in leaflet distribution. The Union is currently working in conjunction with the council’s ‘Keep Cardiff Tidy’ scheme to eliminate both flyer postering and illegal leaflet handling.

Distributing leaflets by other bars, clubs, and restaurants at the front or back of the union is only legal if they have paid to do so, or if they are sponsoring a union event.

Plans are also in the pipeline for ‘bottle drops’, similar to those found in the city centre. These will provide a separate place away from the union building for clubs and societies to promote their events.

News

Page 4

November 1 2003

grnews@cf.ac.uk

Hazy future for Cardiff graduates

By Claire Woods Reporter OVER 50 per cent of students starting university have no clear career plans, a recent report has revealed.

And this comes at a time when more employers than ever are seeking committed graduates to their chosen career sector.

Zena Melki, founder of graduate website UnisUnited.com, believes insufficient career guidance is the main

cause of “directionless students”. She said, "One of the biggest stumbling blocks to deciding on a career is failing to get a good insight into what opportunities are out there.

"We must ask ourselves if we’re failing our future workforce by letting them undertake costly study without any proper regard for what profession is best suited to them at the end of it all".

But Cardiff University Careers Service director Nigel Thomas disagrees. "I think the comment is misleading. How many people have a clear

idea about what they will be doing in three years time? Many students have a number of career ideas when they come to university but do not decide to narrow them down until their final year".

He added, "The Career Service encourages students to keep their options open, particular at a time when the graduate employment market is not particularly buoyant. We offer a full careers programme with opportunities for students at all stages of their university career to get help and advice.”

President of the NUS, Mandy

Telford said, "There is a lot more to university to paying fees and picking up a degree, even if the government thinks otherwise. Not all students will come out of university on the same career path they started".

One Communication undergraduate said, "I have a broad interest in the media industry so I chose this degree.

At the moment I am looking into careers and narrowing down my options. Making a life-long choice at 17 is extremely hard for students.”

FIREWORK TERROR

RHODRI MORGAN JETS TO OZ

By David Morris Reporter WALES’ FIRST Minister Rhodri Morgan has flown to Australia to launch an exhibition promoting Welsh tourism.

His trip coincides with the Rugby World Cup and the unmissable Wales - New Zealand game. Set to attend the event, Mr Morgan said, “the Rugby World Cup provides the perfect platform to promote the very best of Wales.”

Panic after explosion on Cardiff bus

By Mark Jenkins Reporter SOUTH WALES Police are emphasising the dangers of fireworks after one exploded on a Cardiff bus.

The incident occured last Tuesday evening in Ely, when a group of teens threw a firework onto the stationary bus in Heol Trelai.

Passengers described how the bus filled with smoke after a rocket bounced onto the area where pushchairs are placed.

Crimes such as this are behind new government legislation to better regulate the sale and use of fireworks.

The Fireworks Act 2003 contains provisions that will allow stricter controls on pyrotechnics that are sold to the public. The measures are designed to prevent injuries and death, as well as damage to personal property.

Each autumn, government-sponsored adverts appear in the media,

warning the public of the dangers in misusing fireworks.

Despite this, there has traditionally been a lack of control over their sale.

A black market in the devices has developed in the UK, and this year alarmingly large amounts of illegal fireworks have been seized.

Three weeks ago in Cardiff, 60

FIREWORKS: seasonal damage to a phone box

Quotes of the Week “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

Mariah Carey: why she’s sticking to the Atkins diet.

“I still haven’t come to terms with what went wrong - the fact that one minute everybody loved us, and the next everyone hated us” Kym Marsh: On Hear’Say, rather than her and Jack Ryder

tonnes of illegal fireworks were recovered in Ely, Canton and Wentloog. The quantity was larger than that used for London and Sydney’s Millennium celebrations combined, and was the biggest ever find of illegal fireworks.

A spokesperson for Cardiff County Council said, "The worry is where the fireworks were bound for and whose

hands they could have ended up in.

There is a danger that children would have got hold of them."

Other areas of the country have also experienced problems, with telephone boxes and cars in Merseyside and Kent being blown up.

In total, 770 incidents involving fireworks have been reported in the last four weeks.

While the Act has not yet been used, it could allow the government to introduce a system of licensing and restrict the sale of fireworks for use only in public displays.

Other aims include stamping out the nuisance value of fireworks, for example setting a maximum noise level for those that are sold to the general public and restricting the times of year during which they can be sold. gair rhydd urges all its readers to act responsibly with fireworks, and treat those small devices with all the respect that something which can blow your hand off deserves.

Deja-vu Rodders He will also see one of Wales’ premier entertainers - Max Boyce - who will be performing at the Sydney Opera House.

The ‘Wales Rocks Sydney’ exhibition Morgan is opening aims to promote Wales by various means, including listening to Welsh music.

The exhibition was designed by the prominent Welsh designer Angela Gidden, and showcases Welsh food, culture and craft.

And it’s not just the Welsh who are striving for greater interaction. Children from around New South Wales will be adding hand prints to a giant canvas which will then be sent to Welsh schools in the hope of creating new penpals between the two nations.

BORING BRITS ADMIT DEFEAT

By Susan Doragh and Rosey Leech IT HAS finally been proven that British peole have too much time on their hands.

A recent Norwich Union survey has shown that people in the UK spend an average of 33 minutes per week in a queue, amounting to 1.3 billion hours a year.

The British have always been stereotyped as too polite to barge their way to the front, although 40% of Welsh people surveyed confessed to jumping the queue. Surprisingly, this figure was only 35% in London.

Waiting for the toilet was voted as the most stressful event, along with queuing at the supermarket, bank, and waiting to board a plane.

The queue for enrolment each

COME PLAY: is it really worth it?

September may also be a contender.

But whether we like it or not, the queue is a democratic process.

Recent weeks have seen the queue for Come Play tickets reach epic proportions. Saturday nights now regularly sell out on a Monday. Some stu-

dents are reported to have spent more than an hour waiting.

And with Cardiff ’s notoriously strange weather setting in, will the Union faithful continue their domination of the Park Place steps each week?

Editorial & Opinion

November 1 2003

Page 5

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd EST. 1972

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

to plan now, do work experience, and improve your CV.

By Tristan Thomas . gair rhydd Editor

F

or most students the word ‘career’ is a social taboo, glossed over hastily to reach less daunting topics of conversation.

Yet as our debts grow more oppressive with each Blairite whim, it is becoming increasingly important that students earn money as soon as possible after graduation.

However often we tell ourselves that watching daytime TV teaches us valuable life skills, or that Championship Manager is the best way of accruing business acumen, we all know we’re wasting time. The best way of improving employment prospects after university is

This sounds preachy and boring, and it is. But a glance around at friends who have left university proves that a little effort now, prevents years of slaving at temp jobs or blabbering scripts at call centres.

This week sees gair rhydd launch a new section, Jobs & Money, that will hopefully make the leap into working life more achievable. We’re looking for contributors and ideas, so drop us an email if you’re tempted.

We’ve also got a bumper letters page special this week, full of your complaints and (apparently) witty banter. And for one rather odd week only, we’ve got a full ten pages of TV. And people say British media is dumbing down.

Enjoy. greditor@cardiff.ac.uk

Line crossed in the Student new targets in Iraq Rant

By Chloe Rollinson.

A

S ATTACKS on Western forces and institutions in Iraq have intensified this week, with Monday’s bomb blasts killing 35 people and injuring 224 others, the safety and security of aid workers working for major and independent aid agencies in Iraq’s main cities must be addressed.

The question as to whether the agency staff are just sitting ducks needs to be answered.

This Monday saw Baghdad’s bloodiest day since the fall of Saddam.

Five suicide bombers targeted ‘collaborating’ police stations across the city, and the Red Cross headquarters, in an act of defiance against the occupying forces and the organisations that work alongside them.

Twelve aid workers were among those killed in the blasts – individuals who should have been protected, not targeted, for the work that they do.

The International Committee of the Red Cross, who provide aid to those suffering on a day-to-day basis in the war-torn capital, expressed confusion as to why they were the target of such an act.

This is the first time the famously neutral organisation has been the target of suicide bombing in its 140 year history.

I share their sence of confusion.

After all these people are not spokespeople of the Bush administration – there are no Condoleeza Rices or Colin Powells among them.

They are, rather, people who are willing to put their own lives on hold for the welfare of others.

On top of this it appears they now have to very seriously consider putting not just their quality of life on the line, but their lives full stop!

Mr Bush is, as ever, standing by his guns and defending the strategy he has employed with Iraq and its neighbouring "troublesome" states, as his sidekick Powell appeals for aid workers to stay in Baghdad.

The question that these men now need to answer is how will they provide adequate protection for aid workers to justify their stay?

Perhaps a little less lavish Christmas décor at the White House this year, Mr Bush, and a little more protection for those who lay their lives on the line to help others every day of the week.

A.J. Silvers

A right royal soap opera

W

ITH ALL the political back-stabbing and bitching going on at Westminster the Queen must have breathed a sigh of relief as the less than friendly tabloids paid her clan little attention.

Having despatched the pot smoking drunk, err…I mean Prince Harry, off to the convict continent, Liz must have been looking forward to a quiet Christmas.

However, her composure must have been ruined by the advent of Paul Burrell’s ‘loving tribute’, and the £300,000 The Mirror paid to splash their front pages with extracts from his book – a tome that was in fact ghost-written, not even penned by the ex-butler.

The Royal household has been reserved in its response, and, despite the prospect of yet more juicy morsels, Burrell’s book has barely crawled off the shelves.

The British public, it seems, have more sense than The Mirror’s cheque book wielding editorial team.

Prince William has said he is determined to meet Burrell faceto-face, aristocrat-to-butler, to discuss his anger at the errant servant’s actions.

One can only wonder whether Burrell will have the balls to reiterate his advice, and tell the future King to ‘grow up’ to his face.

Staying with the Prince, Channel 4’s E4 network is aping the BBC’s Big Read with its own public voting extravaganza: A Wench for William.

Royal experts have drawn up a list of 25 potential candidates, including Danish princesses, heiresses and well-bred celebrities (if any can be found). Potential candidates will be profiled in the six-part series, and viewers will vote for whom they think the young Prince should marry.

An E4 spokeswoman said: "Given the mess the Royals have made in finding their own partners, E4 proposes that the British people choose instead."

I can’t help but wonder if the Prince will be setting the timer on his video…

Fancy a rant?

E-mail 300 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Opinion

Page 6

November 1 2003

grcobley@cf.ac.uk

MARK

A VOICE YOU CAN TRUST IN A WORLD OF SPIN

Elsewhere...

SO, GOODBYE THEN, Iain Duncan Who? I wish I could say it’s been fun, but I’d be lying.

And it’s going to be even more of a barrel of laughs watching the Con-artists tearing themselves apart trying to find a successor.

A lot of dull men you’ve never heard of will be voting for lots of other dull men you’ve never heard of.

And then, someone you’ve also never heard of - and never will - will emerge victorious to lead the Tories to oblivion.

Who cares?

LUDICROUS AMERICAN “news” channel Fox TV has heaped more embarrassment upon itself this week.

The channel is run by Thatcher’s best mate Rupert Murdoch, who also owns B r i t a i n ’s W o r s t Newspaper, The Sun. Fox News’ shameless right-wing bias is legendary in the States, but bosses still persist in their pathetic attempts to prove otherwise.

Fresh from spectacularly losing a lawsuit against US comedian Al Franken after he ridiculed their laughable “fair and balanced” catchphrase, Fox bosses this week attempted to sue Simpsons creator Matt Groening.

The Simpsons brilliantly featured a “Fox News Ticker” running along the bottom of the screen, with news items such as “Democrats cause cancer”, “Oil slicks found to keep seals young and supple” and “JFK posthumously joins Republican Party”.

What makes Fucks News’ lawsuit so brilliantly insane is that the Fox TV Company actually owns The Simpsons.

Groening must have been barely able to contain his laughter as he told National Public Radio: “We called their bluff because we didn’t think Rupert Murdoch would pay for Fox to sue itself. So we got away with it.

“But Fox has a new rule that we’re not allowed to do the news ticker anymore.”

Good to see that the con-artists who run Fucks News are so keen on freedom of speech, isn’t it?

Day 5 in the Big Brother House of Windsor...

S

OMETIMES, I REALLY WISH I was a republican. What a brilliant week it would have been.

Watching the pathetic excuse we have for a British royal family flapping about like wounded ducks in the wake of the publishing of the Paul Burrell diaries, I’m actually starting to feel sorry for the poor dears.

Diana’s “loyal” former butler, Burrell, is serialising his sordid memoirs in the Daily Mirror.

“It’s a tribute to the Princess I loved,” he mewls ludicrously, while raking in his dirty money.

Diana’s sons, Prince William and the other one, have justifiably attacked the backstabbing butler for a “betrayal” of their mother’s memory.

But they’re still desperate to meet him and talk - and the Queen backs the idea.

What cards is B u r r e l l holding? Why are the Royals so very keen to sit down with this turncoat and ensure he doesn’t write another tell-all blockbuster?

Every last dismal hack who profits from the continuing humiliation of the oncegreat House of Windsor has their own pet conspiracy theory.

The main one seems to revolve around a rumour of a “sex act” HOMER: between a topSued by idiots ranking royal and a servant.

Apparently, if his secret ever came out, it would “destroy the royals forever.”

Ooh, how exciting!

The earnest, beardy lefties at the Grauniad wasted absolutely no time in penning a dully predictable, typoridden drone arguing for the removal of the Queen and the declaration of a British republic.

They do it, regular as clockwork, every time the royals get into a spot of bother. You can set your watch by it.

I’ll never understand the liberal left’s perverse desire to rid us of the monarchy.

Okay, once upon a time the House of Windsor was involved in some pretty dodgy stuff.

When Edward VIII threw in the kingly towel to make way for Lizzie’s daddy, the spin was that it was because

he wanted to marry a divorcee.

It was more to do with his significant Nazi sympathies.

But no-one could accuse today’s royals of being fascist bastards.

Now, they’re just a national source of fun. The current blizzard of recrimination, plots and lies is absolutely first-class entertainment, and I for one am enjoying it all immensely.

And by a strange coincidence, almost exactly the same thing is happening to the Tory party.

These two outmoded British political dinosaurs seem to be fading out of all relevance at exactly the same time.

Watching them go couldn’t be more fun. I know it cheers me up immensely to watch as Conservative England dies all around me.

So removing the Queen and all her inbred hangers-on now would be like turning Big Brother off halfway through.

We want to see how this story ends.

Some people seem to think Britain should have a royal family that are worthy of our “allegiance”, respect and obedience. Some loons even think we once had one.

But how boring is that?

This is the celebrity age, after all.

Give us scandals, give us plots, and give us betrayal, lies and backstabbing.

That’s what the public wants.

It seems to me we’ve got just the royal family we deserve.

Abolish them? What, and ruin the show?

He y, it can talk!

Collected thoughts from trained chimp and leader of the free world George W Bush

Howdy, y’all!

Now Mister Cobley’s bin atellin’ me that some people readin’ this hur “gay rid” noospaper bin thinkin’ I don’ really write this column.

Dey bin thinkin’ “Okay, he’s dumb, but the President of the United States can’t be that much of a stupid, fundamentalist, warmongering headcase, surely?”

Well, dey’s wrong!

See, I am all those thin’s, and what’s more, I’m proud!

Need proof? Well jus’ look at the guys I’ve given top jobs in my White House.

My good friend Rummy

Rumsfeld, my Defence Secretary, has a guy called General William Boykin as his deputy.

Billybob Boykin’s sure a man after my own heart.

Las’ week he got inta a bit o’ trouble afta some speeches he made at White House “prayer breakfasts”.

Billy told ‘em, “The war on terror is a spiritual battle between a Christian nation and Satan.”

He wen’ on, “God picked George Bush to be President”.

(Lucky really, cos the stoopid American public picked Al Gore!!)

Later on, Billybob were talkin’ bout a Somalian terr’rist who claimed he had Allah’s protection

for his crimes.

Billy said:“I knew that wouldn’t work, because my God was bigger than his. I knew my God was real and his was an idol.”

Course, straight’way the moanin’ liberals bin demanding Billy get the sack.

But Rummy didn’ wanna sack him, and nor do I. There’s nuthin’ wrong with the No. 2 in US Defence bein’ a biblebashin’ funda-mentalist bigot, who thinks muslims are servants o’ Satan.

After all, he’s only in line with his Pressydent!

See you next week!

AGREE? DISAGREE? EMAIL ME AT GRCOBLEY@CF.AC.UK AND IF IT’S ANY GOOD, I MIGHT EVEN PRINT IT

Political Debate

November 1 2003

Page 7

ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

Ends of the spectrum

I can’t be arsed to...

Voter apathy is destroying democracy

‘Extremist’ parties are on the rise. What are the options?

By Jenna Willcox

By Sarah Bailey

H

I

n the light of increasing support for the British National Party (BNP) and the inevitable response of its opposition, we have decided to give you the chance to make up your own minds by outlining the bipolar opposites of far right and far left parties.

Some people would question the reasoning behind giving a voice to ‘extremist’ parties. Put simply, stifling free debate under the guise of political correctness is fascist per se. In the worst case scenario, it may cause repression of resentment - sentiment that could dangerously explode, if conditions in this country deteriorate.

The BNP’s line approximates to: “fed up with being an ethnic minority in your own country? Well, this could be the party for you.” The BNP are bitterly opposed to everything European and are very anti-globalisation. Their extreme views and links to the white supremacist National Front party tend to attract negative publicity from the media and carry connotations which hark back to 20th century Nazi Germany and fascist Italy with policies such as the restoration of corporal punishment for petty criminals and capital punishment for paedophiles.

Meanwhile, the Socialist Party is engaged in a constant battle to defend the rights of the working class. Much of their thinking is root-

ed in Marxism; they are hugely anticapitalist and anti-globalisation.

They also support causes such as the backing of workers’ unions. They are affiliated with the Anti-Nazi League, which campaigns strongly for (amongst other things) equal rights and race relations, but which has been criticised for its occasionally militant approach.

There has arguably been a decline in distinction between the ‘mainstream’ political parties today, but it would be folly to suggest that the answer is not to vote at all. It is not to suggest that these parties are viable alternatives, but rather that it is pertinent to be aware of the options available to you, the voter.

ow many of you knew that you could register to vote in Cardiff even if you have just moved here? And how many of you actually care?

Voter apathy, especially among the under 30s, is a big concern for politicians from all parties. Nationally, less than 50% of people voted in the last election. There is even greater concern in Wales, as the Electoral Commission has recently suggested that voters’ lack of understanding about the role of the Welsh Assembly and what it is responsible for could have a negative impact at the polling booths.

According to a sample survey, only 16% of under-25s voted in the National Assembly for Wales election in May this year.

The Electoral Commission, which was specifically set up to encourage people to take part in the democratic process, has joined with universities across Wales to encourage students to register to vote when they move into their new houses or halls. They have been targeting students with specifically designed flyers, reminding us not to give up our right to vote, and have made online voter registration forms available from their youth website at www.votesarepower.com.

So why is it that so many of us are completely turned off at the idea of voting? Young people were much more politically active in the 1960s-80s, so either something has completely changed in the way we think, or it’s the political system that has changed.

UCMC/NUS Wales President Natasha Hirst has said: “Students in Wales have become disillusioned with the political process. However, that does not mean they are not political.

Students need to recognise that they can play a more active role and affect real change on issues.” It’s obvious that young people today do care about political issues - the Iraq demonstrations were mainly composed of students, but they were ignored by the government. Students are interested in politics, but are turned off by the way they see the government being run; it never seems to actually take our opinions into consideration, while at the same time moaning that we never vote. I’ve spoken to people who have never voted but have a lot to say on political issues such as the war in Iraq, the environment and tuition fees. Yet somehow it’s really hard to equate your opinion with that of a political party, especially now that the main three seem to have amalgamated into one.

So what’s the answer? The Electoral Commission is trying several new initiatives like e-voting, voting by text message and postal voting, hoping that they will attract young people by seeming more ‘down with the kids’, but that won’t make any difference if people still don’t know who they want to vote for. The real issue is that young people don’t feel that politicians have anything to offer them. Politicians need to improve the way they communicate with us, and they might even find it benefits them. And remember kids, if no one votes, nothing changes.

Another icon lost

By Laura Wright

S

Keith bites back!

Hi my name is Keith and I am the Bars Manager here at the Students’ Union and I have a drink problem.

I have done some cracking deals with our suppliers and I want your help!

I have been here since July and I am still cutting my teeth here at Cardiff.

Now I have a bit of a dilemma, you have probably all heard of the butter and cheese mountain that's going on in the world!

But I have one of my own!

See next week’s gair rhydd for details

It's not butter, it's not cheese, it’s alcohol! And lots of it. From alcopops to Budweiser and Carling to vodka.

Now, not being a selfish kind of guy, I want to share my mountain with you lot. So, I am going to introduce a series of drink promotions throughout the union bars that will be unbelievable.

Some will be advertised in this paper and some I will introduce at random after the finance manager has gone home!

So come down to the union and see what's going on, where I will butter you up with the top drink prices in Cardiff...

top the world, Concorde has flown its last. No longer will we hear the rush of the powerful flying limo zooming over our heads while knowing that is probably the closest we will come to being in it.

I sometimes felt that the thunderous noise was all the money-ladened passengers laughing at us from the sky, as if to just remind us that we're walking in the rain with shopping bags full of Asda Smartprice food, while they live in the lap of luxury.

You know that if they were in a road vehicle, they would be huge great big trucks that speed by you just as you're passing that big puddle. Bitter? Me? Never!

The end of an era? Why don't I appreciate this? Maybe it's just because I wasn't around when Concorde first started. Maybe it's just because I was never "lucky" enough to fly on one of their super-speed flights. Maybe it's because I don't know a lot about aeronautics...or whatever, excuse my ignorance! How many of us rated Concorde as one of the greatest British icons?

Perhaps it's because we're so used to it. It's ironic how more tourists to the UK have been to parts of the country that we haven't. Maybe those

Concorde: the end of a great era outside Britain appreciate these things a lot more than we do. In which case could it be that by removing them from our culture are we losing part of our heritage and British identity?

Perhaps this is part of a desensitisation in Britain as slowly but surely parts of our culture start to disappear, until one day even the monarchy will be no more and there will be people like me who wonder why they were there in the first place and what they even meant? Hmmm, maybe not. But it does make you think what we are and who we are as a country and it does make you think twice about what we should and shouldn't appreciate.

Will you miss Concorde?

Tell us what you think!

Text us on

07791 165837

Letters

Page 8

November 1 2003

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd letters page “They finally, really did it!... The maniacs!

They blew it up!”

Well, figuratively speaking anyway...

Yep, they’ve finally given me TWO pages to fill with your words - the verbiose products of your mis-spent reading and essay writing time.

As ever, future submissions will only be accepted via email, as this week, paper is mostly for: making wee paper spaceships, so you can pretend that you’re Charlton Heston, travelling through time.

Post-Xpress stress disorder Dear gair rhydd, Where has Xpress radio gone?

They were broadcasting on 107.2FM and now on that frequency there’s some strange Arabic channel! Maybe I’m just a naive fresher but shouldn’t Xpress be on all year round? Saying that, some of it was rubbish I s’pose… But we miss Roop and Tom. Me and my flatmates wet ourselves when we listened to those guys. So when will they be back?

Yours, a naive fresher girl x

James Anthony Letter of the week receives two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. If your letter is here, come on up to the office to collect them. We can’t be assed to chase you.

Xpress Radio are unable to broadcast all year due to restrictive broadcasting laws. But I agree, they should be on all year round. Perhaps then “some of it” wouldn’t be “rubbish” (your words, not mine). My spies at Xpress inform me that they should be back on-air in February, but there are no specific dates yet.

Cobley: not bonkers Dear gair rhydd,

Dude, where’s my WMDs? Dear gair rhydd, Thanks for covering the Weapons Inspection of the Rolls Royce stall at AISEC's careers fair two weeks ago.

I thought your coverage was balanced and fair. It's just a pity that this band of grubby arms dealers were invited to Cardiff in the first place. I was one of the inspectors, and I thought I'd write in response to the comments made by the PR spokesperson for Rolls Royce that you quoted.

They said: Rolls Royce “supplies and exports airplane engines only to those countries deemed acceptable for defence products by the UK government”.

Fact: Sadly, that counts for jack shit. The government's 'ethical foreign policy' doesn't stop UK companies selling military hardware to human rights abusing countries like Indonesia, Turkey, China, Pakistan, and the USA. Rolls Royce has recently sold attack aircraft engines to all of these countries.

They said: “Our engines are used in a wide variety of ways, ranging from helicopters to planes that carry relief to famine-ridden areas”.

Fact: That may be true. They also make nice cars, but it's not that that we're protesting against. The fact remains that this company profits from fanning the flames of global conflict, often selling arms to both sides. 90% of casualties of war are civilians. By supplying ever more extravagant ways of destroying life to the highest bidder, this company bears some of the responsibility for this.

They also said: “we are proud of the fact that our work creates jobs for thousands of people both in the UK and abroad”.

Fact: The jobs argument is routinely trotted out by arms companies, but it's been proved to be a complete sham. The arms export industry is deeply economically flawed, and is propped up by millions of pounds worth of British taxpayer’s money. EVERY job in this sector is subsidized (by you and me) to the tune of around £10,000. So not only are these companies morally corrupt, but they are extremely financially unsustainable.

I hope our action succeeded in giving students the information they need to make an informed choice.

I hope our action succeeded in drawing attention to the murky goings on behind Roll's Royce's shiny PR facade.

I hope the SU and AISEC will think twice in the future before taking dirty money from dodgy corporate sponsors like this.

Yours, Andy Williams, ENCAP. PS: For more facts and info on Rolls Royce and the arms trade in general see the website of The Campaign Against the Arms Trade at http://www.caat.org.uk/

Apparently, I’m not the only one pissed off at Mark Cobley's constant moaning about everything nonsocialist – his writings have the uncanny ability to either make you want to punch someone, or vomit.

However, I have a solution. Can we send Mark on a working holiday to North Korea? He can send regular reports back, of course unhindered by the People’s Government of North Korea, and tell us just how wonderful it really is. Yes, he can describe how everyone gets cheap, healthy food and lots of it, free world class health care, subsided housing of high quality and how everyone gets first-rate University education for free! In fact it’s such a nice place to live and everyone’s so happy they don’t even have to bother with elections in this socialist utopia! I’m sure Mark will delight in informing us that the widely held opinion that North Korea is a third world dictatorial shithole is merely lies of the evil American capitalists. Let’s be fair on Mark, I mean he can’t be happy being surrounded by us – the corrupt children of capitalism and democracy, he’ll be happier with his own kind where he’ll get a more receptive audience to his insane views. Fancy a holiday, Mark?

Yours, Pissed off 2nd year.

Mark’s column is intended to postulate political views. Perhaps you’d prefer it if we gave the space to a right wing fascist columnist hell-bent on convincing us that the blame for the ills of the world can be laid at the feet of the lazy jumper-chewing students and their scrounging ways. A leftwing view is patently more in line with the student school of thought.

Comedy club not taken seriously Dear gair rhydd, We went to the comedy club on Tuesday night and were really disappointed. For a start, why is it in Seren Las? Solus was a much better place to hold it. We all paid for our tickets and the union knew how many tickets were sold but yet there were not enough seats for everyone. Plus half the people couldn't even see the stage. Comedy club is a really good idea and the last act was great but the poor execution of this event spoiled what could have been a fantastic night.

Love, Annoyed fourth years x

More NUS farce and mystery Dear gair rhydd, I am sick of students complaining about NUS cards. I mean, for once a majority are getting something for nothing and all I've heard is moaning!

Fair enough the queues are a drag but it’s nowhere near as hectic as last year's CUS system. Did anyone stop to think of all the work that's behind them?

HELLO! There's over 10,000 members of Cardiff's NUS and due to the Union's (once again) lack of organisation, only myself and three others worked to provide cards (one of whom I may add, was eating, sleeping and breathing the darn things for seven weeks). I apologise to those of you who we sent on pilgrimages across Park Place, but we worked bloody hard to make it as painless as possible for you.

Fair enough we were paid for our duties, but we didn't spend 8am-8pm of each day transferring your details, printing your cards, handing them out and answering your queries as politely as possible under tropical climates in the TV Lounge, simply for you to swear at us and say "oooh, but my face is all squished." Frankly, my dear, if that's all you care about, it's probably better they reduced the size of your head.

Ok, they're not the sparkling diamonds they were last year, but do you really think the uni would allow them to look shite if there wasn't a valid reason behind it? Well then, my darlings, let me inform you. Look on the underside of your card and you'll see a bump - that's the microchip. It allows them to be scanned instead of swiped, which reduces damage. For this to operate successfully, the bar codes must be larger - therefore your picture smaller.

So for goodness sake, have some compassion! It means less people have to battle with the turnstiles when cards won't swipe, allowing free and easy access to all, thus promoting EQUALITY. If that's not enough, it

costs time and money to install a new system, provide the software, hire the printers and produce cards at £2.50 a time. At the end of the day it's an upgraded system which runs more effectively and saves your time. So what's the problem!?

Ironic really - you'd think the term 'National Union of Students' would stand for a group of considerate, tactful people who appreciate things that benefit them. This week all it's represented is a bunch of ungrateful whingers.

Hannah, 2nd year JOMEC. Hmmm. Not entirely convincing.

There are rumours (although I’m willing to be corrected on this), that the system was changed because various departments are introducing a swipe system to veto entry into buildings. Thus, if you’re a sociology student, your card will be programmed as such, and you alone can enter that department.

Is this the beginning of a new regime of 1984-style Orwellian monitoring system for students, where the administration can soon tell where you are, what you’re doing, how much time you study, and what you had for breakfast...?

Probably, yes.

Also, if the pictures were made “smaller”, then how come everyone’s face got stretched?

Some ‘crosswords’ (sorry) Dear gair rhydd, Today, I write an ‘angry letter’ (grrr) concerning your cryptic ‘crossword’ (grrrrrr) that is spicier than a meal for two at the Dalchini. Sitting back in a brain bombarding lecture, with a fresh gair rhydd in front of me, I begin the ritual and enjoyment of a light word puzzle, that only your Five minute fun page can supply.

"Holy crap" is my initial reaction.

"I’m actually going to have to think about this!"

I know that I should find inspiration and excitement from trying to solve one of the many clues (some answers being longer than 6 letters!) but I end up feeling stupid and beaten by the level of intelligence required to crack them. Ok, maybe I’m thick, or maybe I just want to relax in my lecture, leisurely answering such clues as ‘said when in pain (4)’ or ‘plural of mouse (4)’, (or maybe I just want something to complain about). But I feel a student paper’s crossword should be attemptable even with a hangover!

Apart from that, I love you!

Peace. Paul Reynolds (Maths, not English) The more discerning (I say ‘discerning’; I mean ‘bored’) of you may have noticed that it is I who (whom?) is credited with the crossword in the gair rhydd’s list of contributors. This is in fact, nonsense - I have never been involved with the crossword - I’m not that quick witted.

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - gair rhydd will attempt to print any letters that I think are good enough. Apologies for those that do not make it due to space restrictions, or are shit. The views expressed in these letters are not usually those of the newspaper or the letters desk.

Letters

November 1 2003

Page 9

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd letters page

Yours respectfully, Mark, 2nd year History.

Letters is supported

by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff All apologies: Dear gair rhydd, Nearly 2 years ago, in a mischievous mood, I decided to wind someone up. Being of Welsh descent, and knowing sufficient Welsh people to be aware of how easily provoked they are on the issue of their nationality, I picked this soft target.

Now, for my part, I admit that this was cowardice. However, as a stalwart anti-nationalist (for example, I condemn the UK failing to enter Europe for reasons of national pride), the whole England/Wales thing has always been foremost in my mind.

Especially when I felt so rejected here in what I had thought of as my second nation. So, I suppose, I add ‘retaliatory’ and ‘patronising’ to my list of crimes.

I was, however, as many of you may recall, slated for these crimes in this paper at the time. I issued an apology then, which, while not entirely humble, was freely given. I was therefore quite offended to find, in this week's issue that the letter editor had decided to dredge my letter up again. Despite it saying at the bottom that letters may be omitted for reasons of space! Clearly someone thought of a better reply, but you were 2 full years too late. So I hope we can now let this lie.

PS. In another letter, I was asked what is wrong with Britain today. The answer is simple: we've become too informed to believe in the farce that we call the "mother of democracies".

At least, however, most of us are above the meaningless nostalgia for unenlightened times.

PPS. I’m not racist, although one leading member of Plaid Cymru seems to be: "the English are buying holiday homes in Wales to escape from the Black and Asian communities in their cities".

Yours, James Landon (the "wish I was Welsh" Alien) Bugger. Well and truly busted.

The original letter went into a letters page in the first week of the semester, when my letterssack was lying decidedly flaccid and impotent. Nobody was writing in, because the term had just started - so I recycled a controversial past letter in the hope that: a) it would stimulate debate (which it did) and b) the original perpertrator had finished their course. When I took over at the start of this year, I made sure

civilization not seen since we rebuilt Germany and Japan from the ashes of a far greater war.

There’s so much wrong with this, I don’t know where to start.

So I won’t. Instead, I invite one of the basket-weaving hippies from people and planet or some other better informed soul to respond.

that all letters are now via email, and are deleted as soon as they go in. I give you my solemn oath that this will not happen again.

Heh heh.

WMDs: Weapons of Mass Deceit Dear gair rhydd, Apologies in advance, but I'm in rant mode. After a glorious summer, and excellent TV seeing Saddam overthrown, uni seems somewhat different, and it suddenly hit me why.

There's no idiot student socialists running around handing out leaflets and organising how they would firstly prevent us going to war, and then end the war. Well the war was over pretty damn quick but I doubt they were all that pleased with the outcome. But, alas, they have not given up hope, now there’s "end the occupation" flyers plastered all over the place. I still find it hard to comprehend why some people still resent the fact that we went to war (300,000 deaths the Red Cross estimated Saddam had caused, wasn't it?). So we haven't found any WMDs. Who the hell cares now?

So what if Iraqi oil was a big part of this equation? We still managed to defeat a dictator. I've heard students saying the UN should be involved. I agree - so does George W. Bush; it was the UN that told him to take a run and jump and that we're on our own in Iraq. Will it turn out alright in the end?

No one knows, it may yet go tits up, but would that justify not taking out Saddam in the first place and giving the Iraqis hope? I think not.

Whatever system of governance Iraq ends up with, I don't think anyone can realistically say that it’s going to be any worse for the Iraqis than the Ba'athist regime it has replaced, and the chances are it’s going to be much, much better.

I've given up on the socialists.

They fail to accept that socialism has gone the way of Ba'athism, and neither are coming back. However there are an awful lot of people that obviously didn't want war, and that's fair enough, but the war is over now.

We have a chance to build a new, democratic, capitalist Iraq, prosperous and free, and I for one hope we succeed. Let’s ignore the idiotic ramblings of the far left; instead let’s hope that Coalition forces in Iraq manage a victory for democratic

Students: best before end...

Dear gair rhydd, You see, in America it makes sense because the first year is called your "freshman" year. They have silly names like that there, along with sophomore, junior and all that guff, so it doesn't seem that stupid.

The point is, our first year here at Cardiff is not called our freshman year, so why do we call these nonfreshman folk "freshers"? Is it because they are a refreshing change to the last year's stale student population, or because they are somehow getting more showers than the rest of us and thus smelling fresher? Perhaps these people wake up earlier in the morning, or are scientifically proven to get tired a lot less than your leading brand student?

Or is it just because, being new, they are deemed fresh by default? If so, then the question must be asked: fresher than what? I mean, a second or third year student could be, depending on the quality of their vacation, just as fresh if not more so than a first year. Imagine a first year student who spent all summer desperately studying and reading up on the subject they are about to take a degree in, surely they are a lot less fresh than a third year who spent the summer again like a tabula rasa.

Obviously the conclusion here is that before enrolment there should be some sort of formal testing to determine who is freshest and who is not so fresh, the outcome of which will give the true legal right to be called "fresher" to those who are legitimately fresher than the others instead of just taking such things for granted. Or maybe a card game, with high monetary stakes. Come to think of it, wouldn't a casino session be much more fun than the whole tired enrolment process?

Such things trouble me greatly. But I guess it is best to be troubled greatly then to be merely troubled poorly and slightly half-heartedly, as if that which troubles couldn't really give a motherfuck about the troubling it is doing and might as well have stayed at home in bed.

Still, it would be nice to know what's going on. Just generally.

Sticky rubber (duck) Dear gair rhydd, I went to Rubber Duck this week, had a good time, shook my arse like the funky mofo that I am, and left at closing time. When leaving, I had the usual affliction of all who choose to dance in Solus - sticky & spiky feet.

This is due to the number of bottles just thrown on the floor, which break; spreading sticky shite and, more alarmingly, glass all over the floor.

When I lifted my foot to assess the situation, I cut my finger quite badly.

Obviously not the best end to a midweek sesh!

I do not blame the bottle droppers, because we have NOWHERE to dispose of bottles! There’s not even any flat surfaces to dump them on, cos you can’t get near tables, and you don’t wanna stop jiving that long! A system which I've seen work in other clubs is to install big 'bottle banks'.

Then you can simply dump the offending items into the banks, and the floor remains clean!

Cheers, 'Injured & Sticky' Technically, you’re not allowed glass on the dancefloor anyway (sounds like a Michael Jackson song). And, the very reason you’re

not supposed to is because, as you found out, people cut themselves. Don’t take bottles with you when you’re out throwing shapes.

Politicians are your friends Dear gair rhydd, I was not so delighted to read the 'letter of the week' in the last edition of gair rhydd (25/10/03) and I would like to point out that Jon Owen Jones works tirelessly in order to get the best solution for everyone. I do not believe that Jon Owen Jones denied that he voted for tuition fees, and those meetings he has had with students (at which I have been present at least), he has always made his case for tuition fees.

Out of all the politicians I have been involved with, Jon Owen Jones is perhaps the most sincere, and it’s the unaffordable and erratic policies of the Liberal Democrats that need to be questioned!

Tom Neilson (Astrophysics, Labour Student) HAAAAhahahahahaaahaaha!

Politicians! Sincere! Ha! This guy’s hilarious. But seriously, go and talk to those girls about appearing at the comedy club in Seren Las. You’ll have them in stiches.

07791 165 837 Leave rolls royce alone, they pay my dad’s wages- a wedge of which i piss away at the taf

Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy, and good with ketchup

Thumbs up to the english soc. footie team for actually scoring 2 goals this wk! only a 46 goal deficit now guys.

Dep-Ed: if u havnt SEEN the matrix, how do you know wot ‘overrated pretentious manque shite’ it is?

Stealage of the year! we stole an old lady from ponty who claimed to have killed people! ladies cricket rock! good girls. x

Piss off you smug bastard! If you won’t leave our girls alone at least learn to lie in and not wake us up! you greasy git luv44+96

Can somebody sack Bobber Hoddlienchenkiev!

He’s crap.

I took your shoes, but u stole my heart. Where are u shoe boy? X

Yours fruitfully, Ernie Fullstop, Third year.

“Ain’t nobody dope as me/I’m just so fresh so clean” (Outkast).

It’s a fascinating conundrum. I say ‘fascinating’; I mean ‘vacuous’.

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - Planet of the Apes the original was a quality film. The quote comes from the end where Heston finally realises that he’s on earth. Tim Burton’s version was a pile of old toss, which is a shame, cos he’s a good director. “Re-imagining” my ass.

Listings

Page 10

November 1 2003

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy

Saturday01/11

Come Play @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) Rephlex Night @ Clwb Ifor Bach Bogdan Raczynski / Astrobotnia (Live) / Cylob DJ. 9pm. £6 adv.

Jesus Christ Superstar @ The New Theatre Lyrics: Tim Rice, Music: Andrew Lloyd Webber, Directed: John Walsh 7.30pm; Matinee 2.30pm Twisted by Design @ Dempseys (upstairs) Alternative music night 8pm-1am £2.50 (NUS) The Mothership Convention @ The Toucan The Intergalactic Funk Federation brings you the best bands and beats. This week the Toucan residents ‘Quattro’ return to take pride of place alongside DJ Lions in the main room with Krissy in the Café Bar. Wales Festival of Remembrance @ St David’s Hall 7pm £7.00 Dave Gorman @ The Sherman Theatre Googlewhack Adventure 7:30pm £14.50 Pinocchio @ The Sherman Theatre Sherman theatre company11am, 2pm from £4 Glamorous @ Creation £5 (NUS) All Inclusive @ Liquid Pay on the door and pay no more! Dress code: Smart (no ripped jeans or trainers) Cheesey chart, RnB, commercial Dance £10 (NUS) Superfly @ Barfly Classic soul, funk, disco 10:30pm-2am £3 (NUS) The Moxie Pleanty @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) Alternative Hip-hop, electro, bastard pop, hooligan house, funk, punk. Doors:11pm £3 (NUS) Bleuprint @ MolokoRetro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm+blues. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry before 10pm Duelling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks Music, Comedy and meaningless banter Okii hyoshi @ Metros Chunky Indie and Baggy beats with DJs Kimono O’neil and Johnny Akiro 9pm-3am RnB @ Bar Ice Free entry Party Night @ Bar Med Resident DJs 9pm-2am Funk Dulux @ The Lounge Funky US house and garage Free entry Bullet Proof @ The Coal Exchange Saturday Night Comedy @ Jongleurs

Sunday02/11 The Acoustic Lounge @ The Toucan The best local singers, songwriters and musicians play in an informal setting with open mic sessions from 8pm till 12.30am Evanescence @ Cardiff International Arena £16.00 Sunday Lunch @ Café Jazz 1pm-3pm Who wants to be a Clever Dick @ The Taf Pub Quiz kicks off at 7:30pm £3 per team Hektic @ Elements Sunday sessions. Hard house with resident DJ Shane Morris £3 Acoustic @ Toucan Taxi @ Moloko World music till 12midnight Free entry Smooth Jazz Sunday @ The Philharmonic Free Entry Acoustic Night @ Sam’s Bar £2/3 Acoustic Bite @ Journeys Atmospheric acoustic 11am-midnight DJ Joe Gulis @ Walkabout

Monday03/11

The Factory @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am Free before 11 £2 after (NUS) Slow Graffiti @ Clwb Ifor Bach Manitoba / Her Space Holiday / J Xaverre / Culprit One / Dj Lorbear 8pm. £6 adv.

Cubanite @ St David’s Hall (main auditorium) 8.30pm £10 The ultimate salsa experience! An exhilarating combination of salsa dance class, dance displays, live salsa and samba bands, club DJ and audience dance participation.

Dance Lesson 7pm-8pm £6 ‘Southern Fried’ @ The Toucan A new night of DJs and funky antics brought to you by the psychology society- Cardiff’s latest student night.

A View form the Bridge (Arthur Miller) @ The Sherman Theatre Passion betrayal and tragedy From £10 7:30pm Live @ The Barfly Waterdown, Linea 77, The Hurt Process, Dopamine Doors 8pm £7.50 Adv. Saucy Monkey @ Creation £3/2 Poohyerpants @Liquid Student session, Cheesey chart, RnB, commercial dance 50p per drink before 11, £1 after.

Casual dress £2 (NUS) Student night @ Evolution £3 (NUS) Smell the Glove @ Barfly Good-time rock and roll 11pm-2am £2 (NUS) Something Anything @ Moloko DJs play whatever they want. Bar till 2am drinks promotions all night Free entry Jazz Attic @ Café Jazz Jam night. Sign in on the door to play from 8pm £1.50 Simple @ The Philharmonic Free Mondays @ Exit Club Cheap and Cheerful chart night 7:30pm-2am £1.50/3 DJ Mix selector @ Sam’s Bar Live turntable action £3 Salsa night @ Bar Med Free food platter with every cocktail jug @ The Slug and Lettuce From 7pm Film Society @ UGC Meet in the UGC Bar at 8pm for the film at 9pm.

See Cinema listings for details.

Tuesday04/11

Comedy Network @ Seren Las. SU Doors: 8pm Show 9pm £2 (NUS) The Sorrel Quartel @ University Music Deprtment Concert Hall 7:30pm, £3 (NUS) Vodka Republic @ Creation £2 (NUS) Bounce @ Barfly Drum and Bass 11pm-2am £2 (NUS) Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (upstairs) Rock, goth, metal Doors: 9pm £2.50 (NUS) I Hear A New World @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Downstairs) Electronica, psychedlia, downtempo, krautrock Doors: 10pm £2 (NUS) Open Mic night @ The Toucan 8pm-midnight Superstition @ Moloko Motown, soul, nujazz, disco, funk Bar till 2am happy hour drinks all night Free entry Funky town @ Stylus Commercial disco, RnB flavas 9pm-2am £2 (NUS) Chill out @ The Philharmonic Free Quiz night @ Club X Face Dr Beverley Ballcrusher for cash prizes! Table service on drinks from 9 so you can keep your heads together! 6pm11pm. Free Cheese nation @ Jumpin Jaks Student night 8pm-2am offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, DnB with DJs Rod and Mr P £1 bottles and shots. No dress code 9pm-3am. Free before 11, £1.50 after.

International night @ Journeys 4pm-midnight Salsa night @ Bar Cuba £4 a lesson

Listings

November 1 2003

Page 11

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy gair rhydd’s day by day listings: if it’s on it’s in. With Hannah Muddiman

Wednesday05/11

Rubber Duck Club Night @ Solus, SU Prizes for the best dressed 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) Wednesday social @ BarflyRelax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon-2:30pm Free Boomshanka @ The Toucan The new night at the Toucan dedicated to late 60’s/70’s Acoustic Soul and Hippy Funk with a sensational new session band backing special guests as well as DJs playing anything from Crosby Stills & Nash to Little Feat, Joni Mitchell and The Beachboys.

A View form the Bridge @ The Sherman Theatre (Arthur Miller) Passion betrayal and tragedy From £10 10:30am Live @ Barfly Donya Maria, Tali, Quarterpoint.

Doors 8pm £4 Adv Express @ BarflyParty hip-hop featuring resident DJs, turntablists and breakdancers 10:30pm-2am £2 (NUS) All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesey Club: motown, funk, disco. Popscene: Indie.

Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations!!!

9:30pm £2.50 (NUS) Tokyo-yo @ Moloko Resident DJs play a crazy mix of cool rare grooves. Drinks promos all night Student Session @ Liquid Cheesey chart, RnB, commercial dance. Drinks 99p before midnight, £1.50 after £2 (NUS) Wednesday @ Stylus Sexy RnB, Disco and Party Tunes. 10pm-2am Free entry before 11:30pm £1 (NUS) Simple @ The Philharmonic Free Wednesdays @ Club X Chart and Mix 7:30pm-2am £1.50/3.00 Duelling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks 70s Style Cheapskates @ Metros Alternative and Cheese. Double shot + mixer 80p. No dress code 9pm-2am Wednesdays @ Sam’s Bar Live bands £2 Indie Box @ Journeys 4pm-Midnight The Big Freeze @ Berlins RnB, garageFree before 11, £3 after Latin Night @ Life Latin music and Salsa lessons £2 2 for 1 cocktails @ The Slug and Lettuce From 7pm

Where?

Theatres, Concert Halls and Galleries Students’ Union Box Office: 02920 781458 Uni Music Dept Concert Hall Corbett Road The New Theatre Park Place,02920 878889.

The Sherman Theatre Senghennydd Road 02920646900 Butetown History&Arts Centre 5 Dock Chambers,Bute Street,Cardiff Bay,02920 256757 National Museum and Gallery Cathys Park, 02920 397951.

Chapter Arts Centre Canton 02920 304400 Cardiff Indoor Arena Mary Ann Street Enq: 12920 224488 St Davids Hall The Hayes Enq. 02920 878420 Box Office: 02920 878444 Live Music Barfly Kingsway Info: 02920 396589 Tickets: 08709 070999 Clwb Ifor Bach Womanby Street 02920 232199 The Coal Exchange Mount Stuart Street Cardiff Bay 02920 462311 Toucan Bar and Café 95 St Mary Street 02920 372212 Jazz Cafe St Mary Street 02920 387026 Blues Dragon Club Gwennyth Street (Cathays) Clubs Stylus Golate (Off St Mary Street) 02920 669901 Liquid

Thursday06/11

Climax @ Solus, SU 9pm-3am £3 (NUS) Yellow Brick Road @ Clwb Ifor Bach Freq Nasty (Top Floor)9.30pm BBC National Orchestra of Wales @ St David’s Hall Raga and Rhapsody A very special event where East meets West as two world music traditions combine to create a unique evening of music and performance. From £9.50 7:30pm Live @ Barfly Barker, Clarkesville, Jeopardy Lane Doors 8pm £4 Adv Thursday night fever @ Barfly Put on your dancing shoes for extreme cheese 10:30pm2am £2 Higher Learning @ The Toucan Celebrating their birthday- Welsh Music Awards winners continue their superb night which unites the local Hip Hop community.

The Super Furry Animals DJs present‘Rubbish’ @ The Toucan Super Furries DJ concept now resident to Thursday nights at the Toucan. Come and check out some of Wales’ finest spinning: some seriously dodgy tunes but mixing them beyond recognition and transforming them in their own extreme way.

Thursdays @ Stylus Sexy RnB, Disco and Party Tunes 10pm-2am Free before 11.30pm £1 after (NUS) Usual Suspects @ Creation Fresh City @ Liquid Cardiff’s premiere RnB session (apparently) With resident DJ Raheem (Vibe 101) and MC Echo. 2.50 drinks Casual, no headgear Uprising @ Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, Dub, Ska. Doors: 10pm £3 (NUS) Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, DnB, breaks Drinks promotions all night 9pm-2am Free before 11, £1 after Groove Check @ Stylus Classic soul, boogie, funk and RnB, 9pm-2am £2 (NUS) Shag-tag @ Bar X Free before 12, £2 after Thursdays @ Exit Club Chart and Mix 7:30pm-2am £1.50/3:00 Red Dragon Radio @ Jumpin Jaks Spellbound @ Metros Metal, indie, fat guitars and evil beats 9pm-3am Livewire @ Bar Ice Dub, Ska, reggae Northern Soul @ Journeys Ska, reggae, 60s, mod 4pm-12midnight Twisted by Design @ City Arms Diverse alternative tunes Free

St Mary Street 02920 645464 Metros (club Metropolitan) Baker’s Row 02920 399939 Moloko 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Flares St Mary Street Reflex (80s music) St Mary Street Emporium 8-10 High Street 02920 664577 Berlins 5-9 Church Street Creation Park Place 02920 377014 Jumpin’ Jack’s Millenium Plaza Wood Street Pubs and Bars Bar Cuba Unit 5, The Friary 02920 397967 Bar Risa Millenium Plaza Wood Road The George Mackintosh Place The Mackintosh Mundy Place The Woodville Woodville Road The End Wyverne Road Gassy Jacks Salisbury Road The Social Salisbury Road Inncognito Park Place Tut&Shive City Road Earnest Willows (Wetherspoon) City Road Ha! Ha! The Friary Bar Med The Friary Henry’s Park Place Scrum Park Place

BSB Windsor Place Central Bar (Wetherspoon) Windsor Place Dempseys Castle Street Rummer Tavern Duke Street RSVP St John Sreet Slug and Lettuce Working Street Gatekeeper (wetherspoon) Womanby Street Old Orleans, Church Street O’Neils Trinity Street Toad Trinity Street Yates’s Westgate Street Queen’s Vaults Westgate Street Oz Bar St Mary Street Is It? Wharton Street O’Neils St Mary Street Prince of Wales (wetherspoon) Wood Street The Square (philharmonic) St Mary Street Kitty Flynn’s St Mary Street Kings Cross (Gay pub) Mill Lane Walkabout St Mary Street Jongleurs Comedy Club St Mary Street Glee Comedy Club Bute Street, Cardiff Bay Blah Blahs St Mary Street Journeys 1 Upper Cliffton Street Dempsey’s Castle Street

Friday07/11 Silent Running (Drum n' Bass) @ Clwb Ifor Bach DJ KRUST (top two floors) 10pm. £8 adv.

Live @ Barfly Ayra, Kealer, Tetsuo Doors 8pm £4 Adv Mad4it @ Barfly Indie Classics, baggy beats, party tunes 10:30pm-2am £3 The Mothership Presents Kingsativa @ The Toucan KINGSATIVA- Superb Irish band who write powerful songs with strong Reggae Dub and Funk roots. DJ’s Lions and Krissy (downstairs) Friday Formula @ Creation Three floors of commercial and old school £5/4 Drink Free @ Liquid Cheesey chart, RnB, commercial dance. Smart: no ripped jeans or trainers. £3 entry (NUS) before 11, including 3 bottles The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach (downstairs) Guest DJs every week, Psych, pop, freakbeat, garagerock, punk, RnB and beyond Doors: 10pm £3 Forward motion @ Moloko Free before 11pm Fridays @ Exit Club Chart and Mix 7:30pm-2am £1.50/3:00 Dueling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks Live for the weekend Chaos @ Metros The only alternative. Tunes to make you think/dance/drink from here, there and everywhere 9pm-3am Fridays @ Bar Ice Funky house and goog grooves 8pm-2am Free Soul Dreams @ Journeys Old school RnB UpToNoGood @ The Lounge Chunky, funky vocal house Free Fridays @ Stylus FEVA – RnB Special Urban Fusion + guests 10pm – 3am £4 (NUS)

Saturday 08/11

Moxie Pleanty @ Clwb Ifor Bach HUW STEPHENS / JOHNNY ACID (top floor) 11pm. £4 / £3 (nus/ flyer) The Mothership Convention Kangaroo Moon @ The ToucanThe Intergalactic Funk Federation bringing you the best bands and beats. This week the all the way from Australia- KANGAROO MOON, veteran festival favourites return to the Toucan with their infectious blend of World rhythms and Dance influenced Rock.

Dean hayes @ Waterstone’s signing copies of his new book The South Wales Derbies: A History Of Cardiff City V. Swansea City 12:30-1:30pm Try Classical Indian Dance @ St David’s Hall 10.30am - 12.30pm £4.50 Paul Carrack @ St David’s Hall Plus Support 8pm £17.50 Art FromUkraine @ St David’s Hall (Level 2+4) Last Day. An exhibition of new vibrant, colourful and dramatic work, by some of the most promising Ukrainian artists living today.

Live @ BarflyQuantic Soul Orchestra (Tru Thoughts) DJ Support from Quantic, The Limp Twins, TM Juke & Robert Luis Doors 8pm £8 Adv X IS LOADED + amplifier @ The Engine Rooms£6 on the door

Sunday 09/11

The Acoustic Lounge @ The Toucan The best local singers songwriters and musicians play in an informal setting with open mic sessions from 8pm – Tapas available.

Come Quietly @ Seren Las (SU) Acoustic acts Doors 8pm £3/£2 members Joanne Redman-Grant School of Performing Arts: Ultimate Energy 2003 @ St David’s Hall 7:00pm £9.50 DESMOND DEKKER & The Aces @ The Engine Rooms £12 on the door Verina Warren Textiles @ St David’s Hall (Level 1) Last Day.Trained at Goldsmiths College of Art, Verina Warren is one of the finest textile artists living today. Utilising a unique combination of painting and embroidery to stunning effect, her individual style is lush, vibrant and skilfully executed. Each piece exudes fluidity and movement.

Not to be missed!

CinemaWeek UGC

Matrix Revolutions (15) Wed 5th: 2.15, 3.00, 4.45, 5.15, 6.00, 7.45, 8.30, 9.00, 10.45 Thurs 6th Onwards: 11.15, 1.45, 2.15, 3.00, 4.45, 5.15, 6.00, 7.45, 8.30, 9.00 Late Show Fri+Sat: 10.45, 11.30 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (18) 11.40, 2.20, 4.40, 7.00, 9.30 Late Show Fri+Sat: 11.50 Alien: Director’s Cut (15) 11.50, 3.00, 6.10, 9.00 Late Show Fri+Sat: 11.40 Intolerable Cruelty (12A) 11.00, 1.20, 3.40, 6.10, 8.40 Late Show: Fri+Sat: 11.00 Party Monster (15) Sat: 6.30, 9.15 Sun: 9.15 Mon+Tues: 6.30, 9.15 Late Show Fri+Sat: 11.40 The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen (12A) 11.55, 2.40, 5.25, 8.00 Late Show Fri+Sat: 10.50 Mystic River (15) 8.50 Finding Nemo (U) Sat-Wed: 11.30, 12.30, 1.00, 2.00, 3.00, 3.50, 5.00, 6.00, 6.20, 8.30 Thurs:11.30, 1.00, 2.00, 3.00, 3.50, 5.00, 6.00, 6.20, 8.30 Bad Boys 2 (15) Sat-Tues: 10.50, 2.10, 5.25, 8.40 Wed+Thurs: 8.40 In America (15) Sat: 10.30, 1.00, 3.40, 6.15, 8.50 Sun-Thurs: 11.50, 3.10, 5.45, 8.20 In The Cut (18) 11.55, 3.15, 6.00, 8.45 Late Show Fri+Sat: 11.30 Secondhand Lions (PG) Sat: 11.40, 2.45 Sun: 11.40 Mon-Thurs: 11.40, 2.45 Holes (PG) 11.20, 2.15, 5.20 Spellbound (U) Sat-Tues: 8.15 Kill Bill (18) Sat-Tues: 11.55, 1.00, 2.30, 3.40, 5.30, 6.20, 8.30, 9.15 Wed+Thurs: 11.55, 2.30, 5.30, 6.21, 8.30, 9.15 Late Show Fri+Sat: 11.20 Cabin Fever (15) Sat-Tues: 11.55, 2.30, 5.00, 7.15, 9.30 Wed+Thurs:9.30 Late Show Fri+Sat: 11.45 Calendar Girls (12A) Sat+Sun: 8.00 Bruce Almighty (12A) 11am Thursday only (Senior Screen) The Son’s Room (15) Cardiff University Film Society Monday 9pm (meet in bar at 8)

STER CENTURY CARDIFF Alien Director’s Cut (15) 13.45, 16.15, 18.45, 21.15 Matrix Revolutions (15) 12.00 F, 13.00 F, 14.00 C, 15.00 C, 16.00 C, 17.00 C, 18.00 C, 19.00 C, 20.00 C, 21.00 C, 22.00 C Texas Chainsaw Massacre (18) 12.50, 15.20, 17.35, 19.55, 22.20 Seabiscuit (PG) – Previews (Sun+Thur) 11.40 F, 14.40 F, 17.40 G, 20.40 G Raising Victor Vargas (15) 20.10 E Johnny English (PG) 12.15 A, 11.30 E Gosford Park (15) 11.40 G Bad Boys 2 (15) 12.10 B, 15.15 B, 18.25 B, 21.35 B Cabin Fever (15) 20.05 H, 22.15 H Calendar Girls (12A) 12.25 H , 14.55 H Down With Love (12A) 13.25 M, 15.45 M, 18.05 M, 20.25 M Finding Nemo (U) 11.30 D, 12.30, 13.30, 14.30, 15.30, 16.30, 17.30, 18.30, 19.30, 20.30, 21.30 Holes (PG) 11.50, 14.25, 17.20, 20.10 K Intolerable Cruelty (12), 12.05, 14.20, 16.35, 18.50, 21.10 Kill Bill (18) 11.45, 14.15, 16.45, 19.15, 21.45 Mystic River (15) 17.25 H Pirates Of The Caribbean (12A) 21.50 The Italian Job (12A) 13.15 M, 15.45 M, 18.10 M, 20.45 M The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen (12A) 13.15, 15.50, 18.15, 20.50 Second Hand Lions (PG) 12.15, 14.45, 17.15, 20.45 KEY A – Sun Only G – Thurs & Sun Only B – Not Thurs H – Not Sun, Wed & Thurs C – Wed & Thurs Only J – Sat Only D – Sat & Sun Only K – Not Wed E – Wed only M – Not Wed & Thurs F – Thurs Only (If you understand this stupid ster key congrats)

Taf-Od

1 Tachwedd 2003

Tud 13

tafod@cf.ac.uk

Learn and Live Dysgu Byw Some vital phrases to get the Welsh language virgin started!

Gair neu ddau i helpu’r rhai ansicr eu taf-od yn y Gymraeg!

Sometimes, I think why bother, but then sometimes I don’t know why I bother to think.

Weithiau, byddaf yn meddwl pam trafferthu, ond wedyn byddaf yn meddwl pam trafferthu meddwl o gwbl.

Excuse me, young chap, I seem to have lost my ears, although they are unusally large...

Esgusoda fi, gyfaill ifanc, mae’n ymddangos bod fy nhglustiau ar goll, er eu bod hwy’n rhai hynod o fawr...

Gwefan yn Galw!

Angen Meistr y We newydd i wefan Gymraeg neu i fynd at Y Gym Gym eu hunain. Wrth reswm, dylai fod gan y person hwnnw rywfaint o grebwyll cyfrifiadurol, ond mi fyddai Aled yn barod i’w rhoi nhw ar ben ffordd.

Gobeithio felly y daw rhywun i sefyll yn y bwlch, fel bod gwaith amhrisiadwy Aled yn sefyll yn brawf i’r oesoedd a ddêl, ac yn adloniant i bawb yng Nghaerdydd yn y fargen.

Aled ‘Jeek’ Jones - angen olynydd

thydi ymdrechion Aberystwyth a Bangor i’w hefelychu yn haeddu dim ond ffit o chwerthin.

Eleni, fodd bynnag, mae’r wefan wedi bod yn segur ac mae angen diweddaru’r holl wybodaeth sydd arni. Y rheswm syml am y diffyg gweithgaredd yw’r ffaith fod Meistr y We wedi gadael – felly mae angen un newydd!

Ffrwyth llafur Aled ‘Jeek’ Jones oedd www.ygymgym.com, a dros ei flynyddoedd yn y coleg fe ddatblygodd y wefan i fod yn un boblogaidd tu hwnt. Roedd hi’n ffynhonnell werthfawr a chynhwysfawr o wybodaeth, newyddion, lluniau a thynnu coes. Mae yna hyd yn oed ochr Saesneg ar gael.

Mae’r tudalennau yn cynnwys tudalen newyddion a gwybodaeth, Gwobrau’r Wythnos, Dyfyniadau Clasurol, Clecs, Bwrdd Trafod a Chysylltiadau Defnyddiol. Mae hyn heb anghofio’r Oriel (sy’n llawn lluniau, yn amlwg), a’r Bwrdd Negeseuon sydd wedi gweld mwy na’i siâr o...‘negeseuon’.

"Mae hi’n drist nad oes yna neb efo diddordeb yn swydd Meistr y We eleni" meddai Aled ‘Jeek’ Jones.

"Ar brydiau byddaf yn mynd yn ddagreuol ynghylch y peth."

Er bod y wefan yn dal i redeg, mae Taf-Od yn apelio ar unrhyw un sydd efo diddordeb i gysylltu â ni,

merch fach or-gynhyrfus.

Gruff Rhys ydi un o’r ffigyrau mwyaf enigmataidd ar lwyfan i Gymru ei gynhyrchu ers tro byd.

Heno, yn berchen ar wallt sy’n gorchymyn parch, mae ar ei orau.

Mae pob nodyn yn berffaith, pob lyrig â’i le – mae hyd yn oed y siarad rhwng y caneuon yn ddoniol.

Adlewyrcha natur y set hyder y band yn eu caneuon mwyaf diweddar. Ceir dim sôn am ganeuon Fuzzy Logic na Mwng; prin yw’r cyfraniadau o Radiator, Guerilla a Rings Around the World, a chwaraeir dim ond un b-side (yr hollol wych ‘Calimero’, a’r unig gân Gymraeg iddynt berfformio).

Heno, tro caneuon Phantom Power ydi hi i serennu – a does dim byd yn bod ar hynny.

Caiff y caneuon newydd eu cyfarch gyda’r un brwdfrydedd â’r hen glasuron. Saif ‘Golden Retriever’, ‘Hello Sunshine’ a’r ‘Piccalo Snare’ yn gydradd â ‘Demons’ neu ‘Do or Die’. Dangosir dawn ysgrifennu a chrefft gerddorol syfrdanol i fand sydd rwan dros eu deg oed. Mae’r ffaith eu bod yn gallu cynnal bron i gyngerdd gyfan ar ddeunydd ffres, newydd, yn arwyddocaol o fand mewn iechyd anghredadwy.

Daw uchafbwyntiau o bob rhan o’r set. Cawn fersiwn byw prin o ‘Hermann Loves Pauline’, tra daw ‘Run! Christian! Run!’ i orffeniad hollol hyfryd. Gwelir Gruff Rhys yn brathu bwnsiad o seleri yn ystod ‘Receptable for the Respectable’ a lleisir teyrnged i Elliot Smith cyn chwarae ‘Liberty Belle’ – un o bwyntiau mwyaf teimladwy ac emosiynol y noson.

Daw’r sioe i ben gyda dwy o’u caneuon trymaf. Saif ‘Out of Control’ ymysg rhai o’r caneuon blinaf i’r Furries erioed ysgrifennu, a heno mae’r gân yn fwy trwm, chwerw a

Y Super Furry Animals: ‘syfrdanol... gwyllt nag y bu erioed. Wrth i’r gân ddiflannu ymysg mur o swn a chlecian gitâr, clywir llais y digrifwr Bill Hicks yn ailadrodd drosodd a throsodd ‘All governments are liars and murderers!’ wrth i luniau George Bush Jr a Tony Blair fflachio ar y sgrîn. Welwch chi mo Maharishi yn gwneud hyn.

Daw pinacl y sioe gyda’r perfformiad anochel o ‘The Man Don’t Give a Fuck’ – cân olaf pob set fyw y Super Furries ers oes pys. Wrth i’r gân suddo mewn i gymysgedd o sampliau a sgrechiadau electronaidd – sy’n parhau am oleia deg munud – nid yw’r dorf yma ym Manceinion yn symud modfedd. Cawn ein gwobrwyo wrth i’r band ail-gymryd y llwyfan (i gerddoriaeth y sioe Jesus Christ Superstar), y tro yma wedi’u gwisgo fel yetis, er mwyn rhoi un cytgan arall.

Os oedd angen perswadio rhywun am wir dalent ac unigrwydd y Super

ymysg rhai o fandiau gore’r byd...’

Furry Animals, roedd heno yn dystiolaeth heb ei hail. Anodd yw meddwl am fand arall yn y byd heddiw sy’n parhau i fyrlymu â syniadau, hiwmor, dewrder a chaneuon o’r safon uchaf.

Tra bo Bono a Chris Martin yn brysur yn achub y byd, a thra mae Thom Yorke yn parhau i wrthod ysgrifennu cân o gynnwys geiriol emosiynol glir, saif Gruff Rhys a’r Super Furries fel un o fandiau mwyaf creadigol, doniol a phwysig ein cenhedlaeth.

Mewn byd lle mae’n bosib i wleidyddion fynd â ni i ryfel am resymau amcan, mewn byd lle y gall actor Awstraidd o Hollywood gymryd cyfrifoldeb dros y bumed economi fwyaf ar y blaned, ac mewn byd lle y mae’n bosib i Robbie Williams lwyfannu a gwerthu allan y gyngerdd fwyaf yn hanes cerddoriaeth gyfoes Prydain, diolch i Dduw, i Buddha, ac i Mohammed am y Super Furry Animals.

Gan Gwilym Clwyd Mae’r unig wefan Gymraeg i fyfyrwyr Caerdydd mewn peryg o ddiflannu i ebargofiant os na fydd rhywun yn gallu cymryd gofal ohoni cyn bo hir.

Er nad cynrychioli llais Y Gym Gym yw pwrpas Taf-Od, mae www.ygymgym.com wedi cyfrannu’n sylweddol at fywyd Cymraeg yn y coleg dros y ddwy flynedd diwethaf. Does dim dwywaith ei bod hi ben ac ysgwydd uwchlaw pob gwefan debyg yng Nghymru, a

Your majesty, I have bad news. One of your corgies has contracted rabies.

Eich mawrhydi, mae newyddion drwg gen i. Mae un o’ch corgis wedi datblygu rabis.

Y Ddawns Ryng-Gol Mae’r tymor wedi hedfan ac mae hi eisoes bron yn adeg y Ddawns RyngGol yn Aberystwyth. Mae hi’n cael ei chynnal eleni ar benwythnos Tachwedd 14 ac 15 (noson gêm Rwsia v Cymru, i roi mwy o gyffro!).

Yn gorffen y gig ar y nos Sadwrn mi fydd Estella a Kentucky AFC. Am fanylion bysiau a thocynnau, ewch i weld y Gym Gym yn 14 Cogan Terrace neu cysylltwch efo Anna Gruffydd, y Swyddog Materion Cymreig yn yr Undeb.

Yn Eisiau (ii): Cyfranwyr!

Ydach chi’n gallu neu yn hoffi sgwennu?

Mi hoffai Taf-Od apelio unwaith eto ar unrhyw un sy’n awyddus i gyfrannu i wneud hynny ar bob cyfri’. Mae’r sgwenwyr wedi bod yn brin hyd yma ac os bydd pethau’n parhau fel hyn mae’n beryg y bydd yn rhaid i ni gael Geraint Edwards yn ei ôl (Jôc, Ger!) Beth bynnag, anfonwch unrhyw gyfraniadau i’r cyfeiriad e-bost ar y top. Sgwennwch beth bynnag sy’n mynd â’ch ffansi. Does yna ddim terfynau na phendraw i’r hyn gaiff ei dderbyn - y gorau po fwyaf y cawn ni.

Felly codwch oddi ar eich tinau a rhowch ddefnydd go iawn i’ch beiro.

Mae Taf-Od yn disgwyl...

Y Furries yn Taro Tant

Super Furry Animals, Yr Academi, Manceinion, 22/10 Gan Owain Roberts

Ar ôl i lwch pydredig ‘Cool Cymru’ gael ei chwythu’n ddiymhongar i’r gwynt, ar ôl i Catatonia benderfynu mai digon oedd digon, ac wrth i Kelly Jones sgwennu cân am ddynes o’r enw Helga, mae dyn, erbyn hyn, yn gallu dweud gydag arddeliad mai y Super Furry Animals yw y band gore yng Nghymru. Beth sydd yn syfrdanol, ar ôl eu perfformiad heno, yw eu bod ymysg rhai o fandiau gore’r byd.

Ar noson wlyb ym Manceinion, od ydi ymlwybro at gynhesrwydd yr Academi i weld perfformiad gan bump dewin Cymraeg yn chwarae caneuon seicadelig am gwn euraidd, ieir a gair rheg pedair llythyren. Pan ddechreua’r pylsiadau cywir a churiadau tecno’r gân agoriadol, ‘Slow Life’, anodd yw peidio teimlo fel

Gruff Rhys: ‘yn berchen ar wallt sy’n gorchymyn parch...’

COLOFN Y COFI ALLTUD (V)

Mi fyddwch chi’n gwybod erbyn hyn, mae’n siwr, ei bod hi’n arfer gan y Cofi Alltud i agor ei golofn drwy gyfeirio at y ffaith ei fod o yn ei ôl unwaith eto, a hynny am wythnos arall i fwydro a phaldaruo a thynnu blew o drwynau sy’n rhy fawr.

Ond y tro yma, mae’r dychwelyd yn wir mewn mwy nag un ystyr a’r emosiwn sy’n dod yn ei sgîl yn haeddu colli deigryn neu ddau, digon siwr.

Newydd ddod yn ôl i’r brifddinas ydw i a hynny ar ôl cyfnod byr adra yn hel atgofion yn yr hen dre.

Mi oedd yr hiraeth wedi bod yn corddi ers tro byd a doedd yna ddim amdani yn y diwedd ond hel fy mhac a’i heglu hi i fyny’r A470 am Gaernarfon. Prin nad oes yna deimlad brafiach yn y byd na chroesi’r Cob yn Port cyn gweld copaon Eryri yn ymestyn yn y pellter a chithau’n gwybod fod adra rownd y tro.

Ac yn gwybod hefyd cymaint gwell ydi’r peints yn nhre’r Cofis o’i gymharu â’r sothach hwnnw sy’n diferu yn llawn dwr o daps y Taf. Mi rydw i’n meddwl weithiau eu bod nhw’n mynd â’r enw ‘Taf ’ yn rhy bell o lawer – mi glywais i ambell un yn honni bod lefel yr afon yn codi os ydi’r Undeb ar gau.

Ta waeth, mi oedd hi’n bleser bod adra a finna wedi anghofio cymaint o heddwch sydd i’w gael yn y dafarn pan nad oes yna bobol fel Rhys Teifi i darfu ar y tawelwch ac Owain Dobson i fynd o gwmpas tai yn malu gwlâu i gyfeiliant Bryn Fôn.

Ond dyna fo, popeth da, fe ddaw i derfyn, meddai’r Sais, a dod yn ôl i Gaerdydd fu’n rhaid i minna a throi yn Gofi Alltud drachefn. A Chofi Alltud digon surbwch ar y naw, o ran hynny, oherwydd mi oedd yna newyddion drwg yn fy nisgwyl i mewn llythyr swyddogol wrth y drws.

Mi gofiwch chi, mae’n debyg, am yr helynt yr wythnos diwetha pan gafodd y Cofi Alltud ei stopio gan heddlu am reidio’n anghyfreithlon ar ei feic. Mi gofiwch chi hefyd fod rhoi’r ddynol natur yn y fath berygl yn haeddu cosb gyda’r llymaf sy’n bod.

Wel drwy gryn drugaredd, mi oedd yr awdurdodau wedi sbario i mi fynd i’r jêl, ond mewn ffit o wendid wedi penderfynu rhoi dirwy o £20 i mi am eu trafferth.

Yng ngeiriau doeth yr heddwas ei hun: "I asked him his name... I smelt intoxicants on his breath... His speech was slurred... His eyes were glazed... He was unsteady on his feet............ In my opinion, he was drunk."

Dwi’n siwr y cytunwch chi nad pawb fuasai’n gallu dod i’r fath gasgliad syfrdanol o graff. Efo plismyn mor llachar â hyn, mi fydd holl broblemau troseddu Caerdydd wedi’u datrys cyn diwedd yr wythnos. Er bod y Cofi Alltud rwan yn fwy sgint nag erioed.

Ac yn fwy sychedig nag erioed hefyd, petai gofyn bod yn onest.

Does arna i fawr o awydd yfed o’r Taf ond mi wnaeth yn y Taf y tro yn iawn. Mi smalia i mod i yn Gaernarfon, dyna i gyd!

Media

Page 14

November 1 2003

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

How to get ahead in Media

gair rhydd’s indispensible guide to making it in the industry

By Vicky Corbett Media Correspondent

A

sk any media professional what could make their job better and many would probably request more pay. Despite this complaint the media industry is still one of the most competitive

career areas.

With thousands of media studies graduates being turned out every year into the cold and unpredictable wilderness that is the media job market, many of them will struggle to find their first job and one that can pay their rent at that.

Newspapers, broadcasters and film makers are inundated with

hundreds of media graduates each year desperate to make it in the industry. Some may be lucky and be given a low paid, low maintenance job involving tea and coffee making with the promise that some day they will move up the career ladder.

These days employers are looking for that little bit extra, they are looking for people who have

really thought about what they want to do and have gone for it 100%. To show your extraordinary commitment to the career of your choice there are various paths you can take.

With this in mind, we at gair rhydd media proudly present the rough guide to getting a foot in the door into this competitive industry.

Radio is a tough industry to get into

Media Muddle

The best place to start is by applying fo work experience at your local paper, like the Western Mail and Echo

Newspapers Most journalists do not go straight into writing hard hitting political reports for The Guardian, in fact none of them do. The majority of young journalists start at ground level at a local newspaper writing reports on local crime and human interest tales. Even getting to this stage can be difficult, there are few steady reporter jobs and lots of budding reporters, the trick is getting yourself into that first regional press job.

The best place to start is by applying for work experience at local papers while you are doing your degree. Its easy to fit in one week here or there during your holidays and it gives you valuable knowledge about how a newsroom works and provides you with contacts in the industry. There are many news organisations in Cardiff - you might try the South Wales Echo or The Wales News Agency. Contact them well in advance of when you want to go as they book up fast with work experience students.

Another way of setting yourself well ahead of the game is by doing a Postgraduate Diploma course after you finish your undergraduate degree. There are several universities that provide these courses, one of the best is right here in Cardiff at the School of Journalism! Most of the courses will interview you and want to see evidence of work experience in a portfolio of published

work, however small it is. Be warned however, these courses are not cheap. For more information on these courses check out the National Council for Training Journalists at www.nctj.com Of course do not forget that you have a fantastic chance at making a great start in the press trade right here with the gair rhydd. The student paper is always looking for enthusiastic writers to contribute to the next edition, so why not head up to our offices on the 4th floor and have a chat, or send an e-mail to the section that interests you the most.

There is something for everyone to do.

Radio For those of you who fancy themselves as the future Chris Moyles, but not the future Sara Cox lets hope, it is another case of getting out there and doing work experience in the industry.

There are many different careers within the radio industry. The Radio 1 website does a pretty good job of outlining all the areas you could go into in the music and radio business, as well as providing information about how to apply for jobs and work experience. Take a look at www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/ There are regional radio stations all over the country, so try contacting your local station or one of the many South Wales stations to see what kind of work experience

placements they can offer. Get on the internet to find out what your local station is and what their contact details are, it should be easy to find.

Budding news-readers should take a look at the broadcast journalism courses offered around the country, the NCTJ website can help you with these again. The Cardiff School of Journalism also offers a fantastic course in this, have a look at the course outline on the website http://www.cardiff.ac.uk/jomec/ Once again, you have fantastic opportunities right here in Cardiff with Xpress Radio. There are many different areas you can get into and training on all the equipment is provided. This is a great opportunity to get recognised as an up and coming talent; the stations own DJs have been frequently honoured with awards from the Radio1 Student Radio Awards and the Cardiff Student Media Awards.

Many of the past presenters have gone on to jobs at stations such as Red Dragon.

Television This industry has so many different possibilities that it would be impossible to mention all of them.

Television has actors, producers, directors, researchers, journalists, presenters, technicians, the list could go on for much longer.

Work experience may sound time consuming considering you will quite likely get no pay, but it will help you decide whether this is the area you want to specialise in.

The BBC offers a fantastic range of work experience placements, all of which you apply for by filling in forms via the web. You could apply for placements in journalism, programme making, or even a placement at Top of the Pops! Find all this and more at www.bbc.co.uk/jobs/workexperience_hub.html The BBC also take on a few trainees every year in various areas of their production. These are all outlined on the website and could lead to a job once the traineeships are completed.

Also try contacting the personnel departments of regional television centres, such as HTV or BBC Wales, to find out about placement opportunities.

Most programme makers will have started out as runners (people who get the tea and do the photocopying) on productions. They may then move on to production assistants and continue to move up the career ladder through those means.

Skillset (Sector Skills Council for the Audio Visual Industries) is an outstanding careers company devoted to providing eager people with training in the workings of the television industry. They also offer advice through their website (www.skillset.org/careers/home.as p).

Oxford’s student station, Altered Radio is clearly on a mission to become the Channel 5 of the audio world. The highlight of the forthcoming FM broadcast is a show where willing volunteers try out adventurous sexual positions and report back to listeners mid-experiment. But lets face it, however suggestive (or blatant) the show is, it can never compete with a good viewing of ‘Confessions of a randy student.’ I’m still waiting for the TV desk to return my copy.

Back to Nottingham Trent’s ‘Platform’’ newspaper which provoked the comment of the week from our beloved sports editor, Riath. The offence: To put a large ad on the back page in the place of sport. The quote from Mr. Al-Samarrai: "By doing that they’ve effectively dug up Bobby Moore and raped him up the arse." Well quite.

We looked. We scratched our heads. We turned the paper upside down. But even after all this we couldn’t quite work out what the headline "Theif’s (sic) in crimes against the law" in Newcastle’s ‘Courier’ was supposed to actually tell us. How many examples of stating the obvious can you actually have in one headline?

But credit where credit’s due, Oxford Student’s list of interviewees so far is very impressive: Mathew Perry, Clint Eastwood and Tony Martin.

Not that we’re jealous at all here in Cardiff.

Bastards. Complete bastards the lot of them.

Sir Bobby: We at Cardiff still love you

Media

November 1 2003

Page 15

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

Should we cover the BNP?

Reporting on the controversial political party is a tricky issue for the student press writes Gary Andrews

A

fortnight ago gair rhydd ran two articles; The first was entitled ‘BNP in Wales’ and was a small story reporting the rise of the British National Party in this country. The second, in the politics section, went under the headline, ‘The best of the rest: What the smaller parties have to say’ carried a short section detailing the BNP’s policies along with a quote from a spokesperson. Together these articles provoked some of the most heated debate ever seen between section editors in the office.

But if you put to one side the immediate reaction to the articles, an interesting question arises for all media, not just that run by students – when, if ever, should the activities of a far-right (racist) party be covered?

There is no doubt that the BNP generates more column inches than any of the other minor political parties and that the vast majority of this press is extremely hostile.

Despite the negativity of the coverage, it all adds up to exposure for the BNP – the type of exposure that other political parties are desperate for, says gair rhydd columnist Mark Cobley:

"It is unfortunate from the point of view of smaller parties, but for the media it’s a good story as it’s full-on conflict and you get plenty of that when the BNP are winning seats.

"There’s no doubt that the smaller parties deserve coverage as more voices need to be heard, but the BNP should be given no more coverage than their size deserves, as they are not a particularly large party."

While the rise of racism in politics is a worrying development, an overtly hysterical tone may in fact serve to arouse curiosity and attract people who enjoy antagonising society.

While simultaneously causing panic among everyday people who are led to assume that the situation is worse than it perhaps is.

However to discuss the policies of the BNP, has the danger of bestowing an air of legitimacy upon the far right and neatly plays into the BNP tactic of manipulating their underlying message to make the party sound like its members are normal decent people who simply want the best for Britain.

The most obvious answer to this problem would be to simply ban any coverage of the far right, but this is not without its problems as Emma Bebington, Cardiff Students’ Union

Communication and Community Officer points out: "If they’re there, they need to be covered.

“If, for example, the BNP, was putting up a candidate in Cardiff then it needs to be known.

“On issues of racism students have a right to know what is going on.

They need to be warned."

There is also the question of freedom of speech. Part of the ideology of this country and its press is that everybody has the right to express

“On issues of racism students have a right to know what is going on" Emma Bebington

their opinion and viewpoint.

It’s a problem that Emma Bebington is only too well aware of: "Although the NUS has a no platform policy against the BNP, the Students’ Union as a company isn’t allowed to be political. We don’t legislate against the BNP as such, but we do legislate against racism, which would include the BNP.

“The main priority is that students of all backgrounds feel safe at Cardiff."

Mark also agrees with the no platform principle: "I can understand why Students’ Unions have the no platform policy, and that’s a good policy, as nobody should feel threatened in their own union.

"However, student media are in a special position. As they operate under these policies, there’s a fine line between freedom of speech and controversial views, and Students’ Unions that allow the former and don’t dictate policy should be applauded."

There is also the danger that if the decision is taken not to cover the BNP, the media has started to act as its own self-censor, setting a worrying precedent.

If you’re going to boycott coverage of the BNP, then why not ban the Communist Party or the Socialist Alliance?

If a paper starts censoring articles that are controversial or may offend somebody then many would argue that it is not doing its job properly.

To shy away from certain topics leaves no room for debate in the

media.

It is a brave editor that runs such articles about the BNP but, on the balance of it all, to cover them is the right decision.

As long as areas like the BNP are approached in a rational manner, then, as Mark Cobley suggests, "by running articles on the BNP you can expose exactly how ridiculous and racist their claims are."

Nick Griffin, always seeks coverage

Jobs & Money

November 1 2003

Page 17

By Alex Dove and Steph

h yd

top five: ga ir

* Go to the theatre/ cinema/bowling.These activities do not involve king staying up late or compulsory drin people with nine and so are perfect for workers/ o'clock lectures. ple, going to a gym * Star t a regular activity, for exam r, doing voluntar y choi ty ersi Univ the class, joining proved that you 've (We work or writing for Gair Rhydd.

GR or Quench.) in write to ent stud a be don't have to a day. Before tes minu * Try and exercise for twenty of getting way good a is k brea h lunc work or in your ing you mak and y bod the blood pumping round your . work to d ivate mot and t feel more aler Learning Centre * Do an evening class. The Lifelong in all sorts of ses clas rs offe d Roa on Senghennydd . This can aphy togr pho to subjects - from philosophy want to you er care h whic ding deci of be a good way g break shin refre l, ona pursue and can be an inspirati e. activ n brai your ing keep e, from the offic ds, drink wine, eat * Have a video night in with frien easi lot a of hell a s seem forget that you rally gene and e Then you get home and it olat evening is pizza and choc ther ano and TV... h watc and in er to stay have to get up the next day. nights. swallowed into the vortex of wasted to ible to lead a very similar lifestyle . To all the third It is still poss rs, which hou ork of-w outng duri , But it doesn't have to be like this days the exit into work- your student e tryyears out there who are dreading e a job more bearable. What we'r to resist the mid- tends to mak se it just choo uni; r afte end sn't doe life ing life, there is hope. We that and shrug off our ing to say is ain dle-aged greyness of employment adapting to these changes in cert the building of changes, and by exit we besides as ing, work of out lot a get to working selves as soon ible -out workers. TV ways it is poss e time. Dare we humming computers and washed money, and enjoy yourself at the sam yet. just us, lling than uni? fulfi e mor be even and slippers are not for can it time wisely suggest that your use to ways of ty plen are No, there day. Here are our and enjoyably after a nine to five

sly the best and Walking out of work is simultaneou feeling because best The worst feeling in the world. x and you are rela and e hom go can you you know t because wors The . kend another day nearer the wee union like the over all g rmin swa ents you see stud great that of part not are ants and you know you self with your ole cons you then But ore. anthill anym e forty pounds the realisation that you have mad rds the traveltowa quid forty ther ano 's today. That beach forever a on g livin ling/running away and have completYou ent. evem achi an 's that fund...and numerous us (min k wor ed eight hours of have a still you and ks) brea /tea unch coffee/fag/l ibilposs ..the you. of ad ahe whole evening stretching draining the ide outs step you n whe t poin ities - at the office and take air-conditioned atmosphere of the limitless and seem air cool et swe of th your first brea your imagination soars.

Earning curve

By Joe Davies Don’t know what to do when you finish your degree?

AIESEC is the world’s largest student run organization, which has been established for over 50 years.

The organization was set up in 1948, after World War II, by seven students from across Europe in an attempt to prevent another such war from taking place. In order to do this, AIESEC runs a work abroad programme to promote cultural understanding throughout the different nations of the world, as well as enabling its members to gain such understanding in similar ways.

It is recognised by leading UK and multi-national corporations and nonprofit organisations, including, amongst many others, British Airways and PriceWaterhouseCoopers in the UK. Past members have included former

presidents of Finland, Martti Ahtisaari; Poland, Aleksander Kwasniewski; and Colombia Cesar Gaviria Trujilo, and former prime minister of Japan, Junichiro Koizumi.

Do you want the opportunity to work abroad in any one of 86 countries for anything between 2 and 18 months?

The AIESEC Work Abroad Programme offers the ultimate personal and professional development programme, by providing a high quality international learning experience in over 80 countries. We offer four programmes as part of our Work Abroad Programme; Management, Technical, Development and Education.

The Work Abroad Programme is open to final year university students and recent graduates with a Business, Marketing, Accounting, Finance, IT, Engineering, Language Studies, or

The Check-out: gair rhydd’s weekly comparison of products and services

Money Talks

r

the Real World Postcards fromEag leton

d

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

“Premier League football is a multimillion-pound industry with the aroma of a blocked toilet and the principles of a knocking shop.”

Michael Parkinson

FACT FILE The third largest employer in the world, after the Chinese army and Indian railways, is the NHS.

Crazy careers:

Dental Detectives

By Nicola York Education Studies background, although anyone from any other degree are invited to apply.

Participants work on professional placements from 2 to 18 months, sharpening their skills by undertaking practical work experience in a diverse cultural experience.

The most recent amendment to the opportunities we offer is an expansion of the education programme, which now offers a near certain placement in one of nine countries with which we partner specifically for education placements, including Ecuador, China, Slovakia and Brazil.

We recognise that each traineeship provides a challenging and unique learning opportunity, which is supported by our threestage process of preparation, reception and re-integration. In other words, we don’t pack your bags and hope for the best, instead we make sure all your basic needs, including housing and doctors, are sorted out for you, as well as being 100% there for you if you need anything.

Why not take the opportunity of a lifetime?

For more information and to apply for an AIESEC internship, please visit www.workabroad.org.uk. The online application deadline online is November 4th. Don’t miss this opportunity.

O

therwise known as Odontologists, forensic Odontology is the study of teeth in order to identify victims of crime, that is, people who have been "merr’durd" to quote Taggart.

Who’s it for?

All the budding Quincy’s out there…oh and the dentists among you.

Essential Skills: - a strong stomach - an eye for detail - respect and discretion How do I become an Odontologist?

Firstly, you have to train to be a dentist at dental school. This is a highly competitive course to get on and requires high A-Level grades in science subjects. Once you are a qualified dentist, you need to take a Postgraduate course in Forensic Odontology. After completing this you will be added to the list of the British Association for Forensic Odontology.

Useless Fact: In ye olden days it was common practice to clean your teeth in urine.

Where can I find further information? www.forensic-science-society.org.uk www.bafo.org.uk www.uwcm.ac.uk/uwcm/ds/adm Final thoughts?

If dead people’s mouths excite you then this is the job for you.

News in brief Nicola York

Jobs for life Latest research shows the majority of people no longer have a "job for life". Mintel, the market research consultancy, says that one in three workers in the UK have held their current jobs for less than two years. Paul Davies, senior analyst at Mintel International, explains, “This lack of job stability has started because they are more likely to be made redundant during periods of economic downturn and because many people are changing jobs to boost their career prospects".

Investment banks ‘chase’ graduates JP Morgan Chase and Goldman Sachs are among the investment banking companies planning to increase the number of graduates they recruit. This is to reflect their faith in the recovering floatation’s market. JP Morgan Chase usually recruits between 200 and 250 graduates a year, but in recent years has been forced to reduce these numbers by about 20%.

Money matters… …well to the majority of you it does.

Nationwide’s recent research indicates that under 25s are more worried about money than relationships or careers. Overdrafts were the biggest source of stress for 16-24 year olds, with 26% of this age group putting it top of their worry list.

But while financial worries were high on the list for young people, they ranked almost bottom for over 55s, who were more worried about family matters.

Stuart Bernau, executive director at Nationwide, believes these concerns in the younger generation stem from a lack of financial education in schools.

"The truth is that young people are not confident about managing their finances and this can lead to poor product selection and a failure to plan for the future."

If you have any money, job or career questions you want answered or just want to comment on this page, email gairrhyd@cf.ac.uk.

Free Stuff

November 1 2003

Page 19

grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk

grab!

“If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score?”

Vince Lombardi

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN Another week, another load of damn good prizes to get your freezing, flu-ridden mitts on. This week guys have the chance to double their wardrobes in our Topman comp, we’ve got a great package courtesy of Air France, and some free alcohol for all you drunks out there who can’t afford your own. To enter any of the competitions on this page, write your answers and details on a postcard, a slip of paper or a fifty pound note, and drop them into the competitions pigeonhole in the gair rhydd office, or email them to grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk.

‘What’s the frequency gair rhydd?’

A

ir France are offering you lucky readers the chance to win some fabulous prizes, including return flights to Cairo, Paris and free entry passes to Disneyland Resort Paris.

If you’re after great airfares and more flexibility to 512 destinations worldwide look no further than Air France. You could have access to the best fares on their extensive network, including youth fares with added flexibility.

You can also earn reward flights to France and beyond by accumulating miles on each flight and at any fare with Air France and the other Sky Team airlines.

There are also hot deals from 15 fantastic brands so treat

yourself to loads of great offers and exclusive benefits on a number of products and services from Hostelling International, Disneyland Resort Paris, Lonely Planet, CD-WOW!, BOL.com, Ticketmaster UK, Sportsshoes.com, Claranet UK and many more.

Plus there’s the opportunity to win free flights to many destinations around the world and other exciting prizes each month on the Frequency website.

Go for it! You are just a few clicks from a world of exclusive benefits.

Log on to Frequenc’y at

www.airfrance.com/uk and click on "Frequent flyer, Frequenc’y", and join Frequenc’y for free!

What’s more, you’ll get a 3,000 miles welcome bonus!

To celebrate the launch of Frequenc’y, Air France and selected partners are offering one fantastic prize package which includes the following:

Complete the name of one of Alienation Nation New wave, slight- Topman’s new ranges, ‘Shine ly anarchic and pretty extreme. Ultra on you Crazy...’

Where’s that hand going?

Shine on you Crazy Diamond Legitimately cool reflective fabrics and yarns, high sheen suiting, and shiny coated cottons all feature in this multi-area trend. Reflective look parkas, duster coats and hi-shine polyurethane padded jackets give new life to a reflective genre previously dominated by lollipop ladies!

biker jackets, multistripe knits, drainpipe trousers and leather bombers give a multi youth-cultural mix of retro and modern. ‘New Yorkian’ new wave comes to the UK.

Tim Henman will do anything for money

Enter in the usual way.

Livefree4aweek.net

WINNER OF THE WEEK CHARLES INGRAM

Despite strong competitioin from IDS, this week we salute Charles Ingram, the nation’s favourite winner. He won a million on Who Wants to be a Millioinaire, then lost it all for being a big cheat. He won an insurance claim... and now he’s lost that, for (wait for it) being a big cheat. Charles, if you’re reading, enter one of these competitions. We promise we won’t take your prize away.

Q: How many airline and nonairline partners are involved in the Frequenc’y reward scheme?

A: 15 B: 18 C: 21 Need help? You’ll find the answer on the Frequenc’y website. Oh, and good luck.

To be in with the chance to win this cracking prize

Less stress, less hassle, more fun... here’s Malibu® courtesy of the Seriously Easy staff, as well as chances to get two-forone vouchers through the Seriously Easy photographers.

So don’t get stressed about things that don’t really matter – take life less seriously and rock up to the next Malibu Seriously Easy night on

Is it: a) Opal b) Diamond c) Ruby

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simply answer the following question:

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To win this seriously easy going prize, simply log on to www.seriouslyeasygoing.com to find the answer following question:

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WIN! FRIENDSHIP

POST-MATCH ANALYSIS

Last week’s answers and winners Tribal Gathering Photo Comp

Congratulations to Sam Millard who wins himself a pair of tickets to next month’s Tribal Gathering, the lucky sod. Great picture Sam - mayhem indeed! Your details will be forwarded to the promotional company.

By talking to a charity person in Cardiff centre. They just want to be loved and get very sad Miss Selfridge vouchers when people change their route Answer: 1980s. home just to avoid them. If you Winner: Anna Roberts befriend them they’ll even add Winners will be contacted when their you to their list of best friends prizes are ready for collection. on their clipboard.

Television

November 1 2003

Page 21

onlyonecuntinbetweensentences,nottwo.@cf.ac.uk

Your essential guide to this week’s TV 1 November to 9 November

Calm down, calm down

End of the line for iconic 80s scouser soap.

HOT Opium. Once the preserve of the sneaky smoking addict, opium has hit the headlines again as China have banned a song featuring the drug. Faye Wong’s In The Name Of Love.

Could this condemnation see a comeback for the evil seed? Well it is National Poppy Day on the 11th...

SOAPS Eek. Martin ‘Jolly Green Giant’ Fowler is on the prowl again, and his target is the ever-regrettable Sonia. Although Son is getting incredibly slick and svelte, I am still not going to advocate this rather sexual episode as arousing viewing.

In the event of you needing a blonde fix, the ‘Oaks is set to become quintruple and bombard us five times a week. And to commemorate this special occasion, we have been offered a rather flangey ‘late-night’ edition (Channel 4, 10.40pm, Wednesday). Usually, this is an excuse for the characters to gratuituously say ‘bollocks’, but then again there’s always a lot of rampant ravaging going on too, so if your copy of “Bigger Bazookas: A Need For Norks 2” is wearing thin you at least have another option.

Hooray! After months, nay YEARS of terminal decline, Brookside finally finishes this week.

Dry your tears now, for god’s sake, you’re going to need them in abundance on Tuesday (CH4, 10.40pm) night, as it’s all over. In classic “last episode ever” fashion, there is the return of two key characters: the mentalist Barry Grant, and whatever boring character Claire Sweeney played. Expect high-jinks, and hopefully a highly dramatic conclusion, possibly including the atomic destruction of Liverpool.

Although it’ll probably be something dull and sentimental, like Jimmy walking down the Close for the last time with a tear in his eye, and a suspicious looking kitchen knife in his back. The poor guy will never find another role in television. Ack, even my eyes are watering now. The Tuesday night almost-literal graveyard slot will never be the same again. Not. Sunday (2nd) sees the start of what looks to be quite an interesting new series looking at Einstien’s Super String theory of the Universe and how we might possibly be close to proving it. The C4 Theory Of Everything (C4 8pm) is probably the most highbrow thing we’ve ever recommended, but the inner geek in me will be loving every second of it (this is TV Andy btw just to clarify if the rest of TV Desk object)... Plus we all get to laugh at Stephen Hawking’s funny voice.

There’s plenty to enjoy on Thur sday w i t h

DIGITAL WATCH Oh yes. Yes. Yes. If the need be apparently to once again reinforce the fact that Sky One has sunk five’s battleship in the great sea battle of soft porn, then I strongly advise going digital before Friday.

Namely, the double-header of dubious sordid documentaries sliced and diced into the schedule like fine herbs in a juicy stuffed chicken.

Crap extended metaphors aside, feast your eyes on this: Firstly there’s Unofficial World Records of Sex (11pm) and then Double Entry (11.30pm). The former is pretty much what it says it is; a plethora of morons masquerading as the general public doing extreme sex acts.

Quite what is left to the imagination, but perhaps biggest orgy, DebbieDoes-Dallas-esque endurace records, most depraved grunting, most pathetic excuse for sexual attractiveness, and other such crap. Good good. The latter, if you can stomach this, is actually even more ridiculous. For Double Entry is a reality game show in which two teams compete to make a porno using new methods and drawing upon existing ideas from media moguls. A bit like Scrapheap Challenge then. Only with more waste products.

Something else not entirely unrelated, there’s some guff about Prince on BBC3 the same night, about what he does with all his money (11.30) which would be worth checking out, did it not clash with Double Entry, which the midget probably funded anyway.

Escape To Victory (five 9pm), Pop Idol for DJs on ITV1 (The Joy of Decks 11.30pm) and most bizzarely a documentary on Indian eunuchs on BBC3 (India’s Ladyboys 9pm). In the immortal words of Alan Partridge “Ladyboys pint of lager, gin and tonic, shot of Baileys...”.

Skip back joyfully with me to Monday now for yet more high-brow hi-jinks in the form of Looking for Victoria (BBC1, 9pm), in which the delightfully dotty Prunella Scales bumbles around pretending to be Queen Victoria and reading out excerpts from the monarch’s diary, the little snoop. Last week, we learned that instead of being the prude of popular myth, Vic was actually a bit of a dirty saucepot she liked her husband Albert to go commando “under his best cashmere breeches”. Sadly, there was no definitive word on whether the Prince Consort did in fact give his name to a

certain kind of intimate body piercing. Gutted.

Anyway, back to the smut you so rightfully deserve. Sky One delivers the goodies again with When Sex Goes Wrong ( Saturday 8th, 11pm).

A delightful way of realising that other people encounter knob cheese, fanny farts and anal erruptions when enjoying the exotic dance of love, and you don’t even have to ask your housemates embarrassing questions to know you’re not alone! Even better, there may be reenactments, which may wet your whistle - only until disaster occurs, though. In fact, you could turn this programme into a game... Stay sitting if this has happened to you, etc. ... Oh, the possibilities!

Lastly, there’s The Making of Matrix Revolutions for all you depraved individuals who have already downloaded the trailer, preordered the crass merchandise and discussed the matter on internet forums, you putrid geeks. Rejoice though, because now you can see bits of it inbetween interviews with Keanu and the other ones acting mysterious and pretending they have deep booming voices. Any you’ll realise that it’s blatantly going to be more of the same stylised, substanceless suburban bullshit for imagination-free cretins. And my rage is not just because I saw Reloaded and felt sick after eating too many sour cream pringles. It’s on at 12.35 on Friday, If you MUST watch this.

Enjoy xxxx

VIDEOS TO RENT:BUY So. It goes two ways. You can go down the Disney route, and celebrate revenge with The Lion King. Or you can immerse yourself in all-action rubbish and swoon over Harrison Ford, as the boxed set of Indiana Jones goes on sale.

Now the Lion King is a mad one. Stolen from Shakespeare and made cuter, the revenge plot and happy-happy ending do make it vaguely irresistable. Bizarrely, the voices for Pumba and Timone were originally to be provided by Vic and Bob. Strange, eh? Anyway, my point is we’ve all seen it, we all secretly relished it, and if all the copies of ‘Lord of the G-Strings’ have been taken out of Blockbuster, then you may as well let its saccharine goodness rot your brain.

As far as Indiana is concerned, you couldn’t get much better for absorbing nostalgia and the delighful Harrison. Hot on the heels of the Back to the Future trilogy, this release proves that we can’t run away from our retro roots. You’ll see I’m right by the queues spiralling out of HMV. Maybe. Oh, watch out for the duff one with Sean Connery though. He was never good for my retro ruminations.

NOT IDS. He came, he didn’t do very much and he then got booted out. Bye bye to the quiet man.

You won’t be missed, or even remembered. Now watch while the Tories collapse inwardly as they fight for the right to lead the party. My money’s on Boris...

SPORT More rugby, more drug scandals and hopefully more incredible results from the mighty Wolves this week. Perhaps the most fantastic comeback and most amusing match I’ve ever seen, the 4-3 turnaround and United getting stuffed by Fulham meant that last weeks Premiership has gone down in the annals of TV Desk as the best thing ever.

FILMS

More scary delights from S4C and C4 as they bring us The Exorcist, Peeping Tom, Final Destination and the amazing Audition. Takahi Miike’s cult horror masterpiece slowly draws you in as a lonely film director holds a fake audition to find a new wife.

When he starts to woo her a horrifying series of event unfold.

Harrowing viewing its not for the queasy or easily disturbed. You have been warned...

RADIO It’s not often you’d catch us recommending Radio 3, however Mixing It has shown that even my grandad’s favourite station can cut it with the kids.

Playing the best alternative, leftfield and experimental music around, Mixing It (10.15 Fridays) continually hits the mark with both its tunes and interviews.

Amusingly it’s hosted by two blokes who make “Whispering” Bob Harris seem like Slipknot in the vocal delivery stakes and you wonder if they’d rather be building train sets at home rather than on the radio.

Still in the 2 years it’s been broadcasting I’ve never heard a show that didn’t play at least 3 new or classic amazing tunes and the list of artists and acts that have performed exclusively makes Zane Lowe’s show look like a steaming pile of horse dung.

Television

Page 22

November 1 2003

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Saturday 1 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Bill and Ben 06.30 CBBC: Enchanted Lands 06.40 Moomin 07.05 UBOS 07.30 Mona the Vampire 07.40 Tom and Jerry Kids 08.05 Looney Tunes 08.35 What's New Scooby-Doo? 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.05 Racing from Ascot 14.25 World Masters Darts 15.45 Football Half-Times 15.50 World Masters Darts 16.30 Wales on Saturday 17.15 BBC News 17.35 Open All Hours 18.05 Born to Win 19.05 Celebrity Dog School Jordan and Jodie Marsh jump over obstacles for small portions of Pedigree Chum.

19.35 National Lottery Wright around the World 20.10 Casualty Nikki tries to get over Jim by throwing herself into shooting the calendar. Is it me or is the use of the phrase “throwing herself” a little insensitive here?

21.00 Silent Witness 22.00 BBC News 22.20 Parkinson With Emma Thompson, Michael Palin, Rod Stewart and Luciano Pavarotti. Luvvie, legend, annoying old twat with a face like a granny’s fanny and fat bastard.

23.25 Max Boyce Down Under In hell, hopefully..

23.50 FILM: Chain Reaction Not bad in a run-of-the-mill type way. Has Keanu “the one” Reeves not living up to the early promise shown in Bill and Ted. Man from TV listings, he say *** 01.40 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 02.30 A Question of Sport 03.00 Top of the Pops 03.30 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 Weekend 24 09.15 The Sharp End with Clive Anderson 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Ever Wondered about Food?

12.00 See Hear 12.45 Trade Secrets 12.55 My Greatest Hits 13.05 What the Victorians Did for Us 13.35 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 14.05 Cagney and Lacey 14.55 Cagney and Lacey 15.40 The Rockford Files 16.30 National Teaching Awards 17.25 What the Papers Say 17.35 Miss Marple: Nemesis 19.20 FILM: Return from the River Kwai I’ve just been reading the plot synopsis and it sounds exactly the same as Bridge On The River Kwai, which by the way, is excellent.

This is only got two stars anyway so rent Bridge... and ignore this.** 21.00 The Big Read GR office straw poll. Whats the last book you’ve read?: “Angela Carter’s The Bloody Chamber” - Listings Hannah.

“An excerpt from one of my sister’s dirty books. Naughty maids...” Sports Desk’s very own Charles Dickens, Riath, shortly before drifting off into a world of his own.

22.30 Have I Got News for You This seems an appropriate time to mention to any Tory bigwigs reading this (you never know) that Boris Johnson is SO your man.

Please, just for hilarity’s sake, let him run for leader.

23.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 23.30 FILM: Where the Heart Is **Two stars but John Boorman is the director so it might be worth a butcher’s hook.

01.20 Celebdaq 03.00 BBC Learning Zone: Curriculum Development: AS Guru English 2

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Rugby World Cup 2003: Australia v Ireland 11.45 On the Ball 12.35 ITV News; Weather 12.40 HTV News and Weather 12.45 CD:UK 14.00 SMTV Gold 16.05 Rugby World Cup 2003 17.05 HTV News 17.20 ITV News 17.30 Best Ever Magic Tricks David Blaine disappears into his own arsehole.

David Copperfield did it 10 years earlier but with bigger hair and a German supermodel on his arm.

18.30 Pop Idol 19.45 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

20.45 ITV Weekend News 21.00 Pop Idol Results I predict that the winner will be a the most talented person on the show and not the boy who looks the cutest and gayest.

Here’s hoping...

21.30 Single 22.30 The Premiership Leeds v Arsenal, Man Utd v Portsmouth, and Everton v Chelsea. GR prediction time: 3-0 to the Gooners, with at least one of the Leeds midfield referred to as having “the touch of rapist”. Man U to win 2-1. Chelsea to beat Everton 3-1.

00.00 The Frank Skinner Show 00.50 Harry Hill's TV Burp Is he still funny? I haven’t seen this for years. Oh, and I’m glad to see that ITV has so much faith in Harry that they’ve given him such a prestigious slot in schedule.

01.15 The District 02.05 Covers Forever 03.00 CD:UK Hotshots 03.25 Turn On Terry 03.50 Entertainment Now! 04.15 Cybernet 04.40 Get Stuffed!

04.45 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Best Ever Magic Tricks ITV1 5.30pm

S4C

five

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Pirelli British Rally Championship 07.30 Scrapheap Challenge 08.30 Trans World Sport 09.30 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd: Australia v Ireland 11.35 Andromeda 12.30 Smash Hits Chart 13.00 T4: Seabiscuit: The Making of a Legend Arrgh, this film is sodding everywhere. It’s about a horse!

Who gives a shit? Aren’t jockeys all coke snorting, gambling, sex-mad midgets anyway? Now that would be decent film. Toby Maguire snorts a massive line.

Maguire: “I don’t care about the 3.40 at Exeter, just get me the bitches and the paddling pool of custurd, muthafucker!”

13.30 Channel 4 attheraces from Wetherby and Newmarket 15.45 Soldier Poets 16.45 The First World War 17.45 World Rally Shakedown 18.15 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd Scotland v Fiji, South Africa v Samoa and Australia v Ireland.

19.45 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 20.00 Gwyl Gerdd Dant Aberystwyth a'r Cylch 2003 Nia Roberts and Branwen Gwyn present live coverage of the evening's events at the festival from Penglais Arts Centre. Bonanza!

00.30 Fifty Greatest Magic Tricks 02.30 The Chemical Brothers - 10 Years of Block Rockin' Beats But two songs with Noel Gallagher, in all fairness.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Shake! 08.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 08.25 Beast Wars 08.55 Beyblade 09.25 Beyblade 09.55 Dan Dare 10.25 Xcalibur 11.00 Max Steel 11.30 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.25 Tintin 12.55 Popular 13.50 Edgemont 14.20 USA High 14.45 Flaunt Chart Show 15.15 Home and Away Omnibus 17.20 FILM: Knight in Camelot Family comedy about a computer researcher whose experiments transport her back to the year AD 589, leaving the very modern woman to battle against magic, sorcery and medieval prejudices. Stars Whoopi Goldberg. Possibly the worst film of all time. Look, even the title is a bad pun!** 19.00 five news 19.20 Charmed 20.10 Alias 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Law and Order 22.50 Law and Order 23.50 FILM: Kiss of a Stranger The following clichés are rehashed here: spine-tingling thriller, one night stand, mysterious stranger, turns to terror, night of passion, pregnant, video tape of her steamy session, and life under threat.

01.25 Boxing Classic: Nigel Benn v Lou Gent 02.10 Boxing: Fight of the Week: Gary Baletto v Goyo Vargas 03.30 Now Is the Time Combat - Kick Boxing 04.20 That 70s Show

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 Human Race 19.05 Superstars With Jimmy Adams, Paul Hunter and Gavin Hastings. Hardly the heady days of Keegan etc., is it?

20.05 FightBox Is this any good?

Is Jonathan Pearce still on the Beeb payroll? Who thought that Trevor Nelson would be the ideal presenter for this? So many questions.

21.00 FILM: Halloween Highly influential slasher that inadvertently spawned the evil that was the Scream series. And Scary Movie.

Actually this seems to be going along the lines of the Blink 182/ Wheatus/Busted spiral of decline. **** 22.30 FILM: Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers A bit more slashing for Mikey. Another showdown with the Doctor. Mike dies. No, he’s alive! Nope, he’s dead again until the next sequel. ** 23.55 Little Britain 00.25 Monkey Dust 00.55 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 01.25 Diners 01.55 FightBox 02.55 Little Britain 03.25 Monkey Dust

07.10 Rugby World Cup 2003: South Africa v Samoa 09.30 SMTV Gold 10.30 Emmerdale Omnibus 13.45 Coronation Street Omnibus 16.05 Lance Burton Master Magician: Top Secret 17.00 Pop Idol Extra 18.30 Rugby World Cup 2003 Australia v Ireland, Scotland v Fiji and South Africa v Samoa.

19.30 Movies Now 19.45 Pop Idol Kate Thornton introduces live behind-the-scenes coverage. Expect a few tears, a few laughs and Simon Cowell snorting charlie out of the ring-pieces of young vulnerables.

21.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 21.30 Pop Idol Extra 22.00 Million Dollar Babes 22.30 Office Monkey 23.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

00.00 Pop Idol 01.15 Pop Idol Extra 02.20 Pop Idol Results 02.50 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 03.20 Teleshopping 04.20 Judge Judy 05.00 Trisha

14.00 The Salon: Reappointment 15.05 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.00 Friends Ross tells Rachel that he cannot be around her once Emily comes to New York. Yawn.

17.30 Friends Will Ross obey Emily and move away from his friends? Yada ya-da.

18.00 G Girls S Mel C is given the glamour look by the beauty editor.

Presumably by paying for a head transplant for the tattooed shitter dyke.

18.30 G Girls S Tania from Big Brother gets a makeover. Piggy-faced cradle snatcher. Her boyfriend is an 18-year-old Algerian West Ham reserve. Such a wannabe.

19.00 Dawson's Creek Big chin and chubby cheeks pretend they’re virgins even though they’re married with fifteen kids between them.

20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Joe Millionaire Game show in which a builder gets a makeover as a millionaire, then 20 single women compete for the chance to date him - not knowing that in reality he is penniless. Golddigging whores! All of them!

21.55 Joe Millionaire 22.50 Joe Millionaire 23.45 Joe Millionaire 00.40 E Graham Norton 01.40 Star Trek

06.00 Star Trek: Voyager 07.00 Pokemon Master Quest 07.30 Pokemon Master Quest 08.00 Pokemon Master Quest 08.30 Pokemon Master Quest 09.00 Pokemon Master Quest 09.30 Pokemon Advanced 10.00 World Wrestling “Entertainment” Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: Voyager 15.00 Jack and the Beanstalk 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation When the ship's archaeologist is killed, Worf feels responsible for the son she left behind. How does an archaeologist get killed? By falling on his chisel perhaps.

18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Fear Factor UK 21.00 101 Things Removed from the Human Body 22.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 23.00 Pammie... Close Up 00.00 Football Years 01.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 02.50 South Park 03.15 Scare Tactics 03.40 Scare Tactics 04.05 Star Trek: The Next Generation 04.55 Cribs 05.10 Guilty!

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Great Adventure Race 07.30 G4 Global Challenge 2003 08.00 Trans World Sport 09.00 The Morning Line 09.55 T4: Smallville: Superman the Early Years 10.50 T4: Friends 11.20 T4: The Salon: Reappointment 12.25 T4: Smash Hits Chart 12.55 T4: Fashion House Reality 16.00 World Rally: Great Britain 16.50 FILM: The Englishman Who Went up a Hill but Came down a Mountain *** Long title, pony film.

18.30 Channel 4 News 19.00 The First World War: Revolution 20.00 Brits Go to Hollywood: David Niven 21.00 Brits Go to Hollywood: Hugh Grant I wonder what happened to Divine Brown? I heard that she was lauching a pop career on with a song about her liaison with Hugh. An instrumental, presumably.

22.00 FILM: Four Weddings and a Funeral **** 00.10 FILM: Small Time Crooks *** 01.55 FILM: Maurice *** 04.30 For Your Love 04.50 Norm 05.15 Countdown

Dawson’s Creek E4 7pm

Saturday 1 November

Television

November 1 2003

Page 23

tighttrousers@cf.ac.uk

Sunday 2 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 13.00 'Allo 'Allo!

13.25 EastEnders 15.15 Abyss: Live 16.05 Points of View 16.20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 16.45 Songs of Praise 17.20 Abyss: Live 18.00 BBC News 18.05 Antiques Roadshow A visit to Kendal in the Lake District provides finds including a fossilized piece of Mint Cake...

19.00 Abyss: Live 20.00 Monarch of the Glen 21.00 Silent Witness 22.00 BBC News 22.15 Panorama: Fair Cops?

An investigation into police misconduct, including the alleged fabrication of evidence. Bent coppers? Now there’s a concept that’s as fresh as the Moroccan hashish all those Chef Constables are smoking on the sly. Shocking misuse of trust scenes.

22.55 On Show 23.25 Abyss Kate Humble with highlights of the earlier live deep-sea dives. She really is a poor man’s Phillipa Forrester. No Fnarrs here...

00.25 The Sky at Night 00.50 Sign Zone: This Land 01.20 Sign Zone: Panorama 02.00 Joins BBC News 24 Evening kiddiewinkles,TV Andy here still reeling with a hangover from last nights debauchery at Popscene. I vaguely remember dancing like David Brent to Suede with both Music and Film desk and attacking people with a pair of balloons... Could any eye witnesses please try and erase what they saw with mind rubbers...

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Bill and Ben 06.30 CBBC: Arthur 06.55 TazMania 07.15 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 To the Manor Born 11.00 Sunday Home and Garden 12.30 Sunday Grandstand 12.40 Triathlon: Athens World Cup report 12.50 Moto GP 14.00 Beach Volleyball 14.20 Darts: The World Masters 17.25 Scrum V 18.15 Lesley Garrett: Music in the Park 19.15 What the Romans Did for Us 19.25 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 20.00 Top Gear 21.00 Sex Empires: Queens of Porn How the internet has allowed women to become the producers of porn. Yet more filth posing as “proper TV”. The office’s favourite female porn stars tonight are; Sylvia Saint, Nikki Tyler, Shannon Tweed (“I learnt a lot from that woman” says Riath) and Tera Patrick (“a complete natural” says Letters Desk with a sick smile on his face.)

22.00 Coupling 22.30 Gimme Gimme Gimme 23.00 When Killing Is Easy Reporter John Sweeney looks at the death of James Miller, a cameraman and friend of Sweeney's, who was shot dead by an Israeli bullet in Palestine while shining a torch onto a white flag. Easily done if you’ve been programmed to shoot first and ask questions later...

23.50 Red Dwarf Rimmer proposes a novel way for Lister to lose weight - putting him in a plastic box by the Thames...Maybe it’s not so novel after all.

00.20 FILM: The Trench *** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Rugby World Cup 2003: New Zealand v Wales 11.45 My Favourite Hymns 12.45 HTV News and Weather 12.50 Coast to Coast 13.20 Jonathan Dimbleby14.15 Soccer Sunday 14.45 Rugby World Cup 2003 15.45 HTV News and Weather 15.55 All Grown Up! 16.25 FILM: Inspector Gadget ** 17.55 Creature Comforts 18.00 Costa Living A foursome from Wakefield hope to find a derelict villa in an orange grove. Foursome eh... a veritable banquet of cocks I’m sure.

18.30 ITV News; Weather 18.50 New You've Been Framed! They’ve axed Lisa Riley! Perhaps she ate the producer then tried to climb Canary Wharf before being shot down by planes, the big hairy ape.

19.20 Creature Comforts What do starfish think of noise pollution? Can an octopus eat ice creams in strong wind? Do sea anemones enjoy sharing their pool with strangers?

19.30 Coronation Street Fiz drops a bombshell in the middle of Les and Cilla's love nest as she decides to bring a bit of the West Bank to Wheatherfield.

20.00 Heartbeat 21.00 Midsomer Murders 23.00 ITV Weekend News 23.15 Sweet Medicine Andrew announces that he is returning to the US. No I’m not. Lies, damn lies!

00.20 Gay Bishops Political or pornographic? I can’t wait to find out.

01.05 Trisha 02.00 FILM: The Gentle Sex ** 03.30 World Sport 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Abyss:Live BBC1 7.00pm

S4C

five

06.55 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 07.45 Hollyoaks Omnibus 09.15 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd: New Zealand v Wales 11.35 Hollyoaks 12.00 Welsh in a Week 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 G Girls 13.30 Fashion House 14.35 Stargate SG-1 15.30 Enterprise 16.25 Xtra Omnibws 17.25 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.30 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd Highlights from Wales's match against New Zealand and England's game with Uruguay.

20.30 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 21.00 Gwyl Gerdd Dant Aberystwyth a'r Clych 2003 21.30 Syr Goronwy Documentary about S4C's first Chairman, the late Sir Goronwy Daniel, who died this year. Before his return to Wales in 1964 as head of the Welsh Office, Sir Goronwy was an influential civil servant in Whitehall, was appointed Principal of Aberystwyth University in 1969 and was a prominent campaigner for a Welsh-language TV channel in the 1970s. This is the cockmuncher to blame for S4C then...

22.00 Newyddion 22.15 FILM: Dogma *** 00.35 FILM: American History X **** 02.45 FILM: Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown **** Three great films in a row, S4C you are spoiling us...

Watch or video ‘em all.

04.20 Thug Life: The Crisis Facing Young Black Men

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake!

07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 Babar 09.25 George Shrinks 09.55 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Morris 2274 11.30 Braceface 12.00 Stepping Up 12.35 Flaunt Chart Show 13.05 five news update 13.15 FILM: A Gathering of Eagles *** 15.25 At Home with the Eubanks 15.55 Dream Holiday Home 16.25 Britain's Worst Driver 17.00 five news and sport 17.20 FILM: Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach * Not worth the celluloid it was filmed on.

19.00 Robot Wars Another BBC2 defection. What next?

Buzzocks on five? And will BBC2 show “Strippers with Huge Breasts and Baby Oil III” in return?

20.00 The Greatest Magic Tricks in the Universe... Ever 21.00 Diana: The Night She Died What do Diana and the Queen Mother have in common? They both died approaching 101....

22.00 FILM: Consenting Adults After a sensistive biography, the return of the softcore oyster action. ** 00.00 World's Wildest Police Videos 00.55 NFL Live: Minnesota Vikings v Green Bay Packers 04.30 Major League Soccer: Chicago Fire v Columbus Crew

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 Pyramid 20.00 Liquid Assets: Jacko's Millions Contributors include Jackson's first business manager, Bubbles the chimp, record producers and childhood friends.

21.00 What Not to Wear Series in which fashion journalists Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine set out to prove that all women can look stylish, whatever their shape, height or age.

Unless they’re Ann Widdecombe 21.30 Little Britain 22.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.30 Burn It Carl and Andy organise a lads' night out, with far-reaching consequences. Did they invite Mr Tickle then?

23.00 Absolutely Fabulous 23.30 Casino 00.30 Love for Sale 01.00 Celebdaq 01.30 Art and the City 02.00 Vinnie 02.30 Liquid Assets: Jacko's Millions Feltchspoon.

03.25 Love for Sale

07.10 Rugby World Cup 2003: England v Uruguay 09.25 The Premiership 10.30 Pop Idol 11.45 Pop Idol Results 12.15 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 12.45 Great Escapes 13.20 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.35 Coronation Street Omnibus 19.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 England v Uruguay and New Zealand v Wales.

20.00 Pop Idol 21.15 Pop Idol Extra 22.30 Pop Idol Results 23.00 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 23.30 Coronation Street 00.00 Cold Feet 01.00 The Frank Skinner Show 01.50 Beggars and Choosers 02.50Teleshopping 03.50 Ant and Dec's Banged Up with Beadle 04.15 Ant and Dec's Banged Up with Beadle 05.05 Trisha There’s nothing at all interesting I can say about this channel.

No wonder it’s being sold off.

10.00 The Salon Live 19.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.00 The West Wing Preparations for the Presidential inauguration continue as the White House moves closer to military action. 21.00 Dawson's Creek 22.00 Six Feet Under The funeral parlour is brimming over with activity and mourners following a trio of unrelated deaths. Nate anxiously awaits Lisa's return.

23.05 Joe Millionaire 00.05 Little Friends 00.35 The West Wing 01.25 Dawson's Creek 02.15 Six Feet Under 03.05 Little Friends Second Chance Sunday might be a good idea for viewers of TV but it’s f*cking purgatory to try and write about. Thank God Tristan and Riath have started fighting each other.

Apparently Riath texted our editor’s Dad telling him to “wear tighter trousers”. Now Tristan is telling Riath’s mum how he went to a brothel and asked to be spanked like a baby. Happy days...

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Pokemon Master Quest 07.30 Pokemon Advanced 08.00 Pokemon Advanced 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Pokemon Advanced 09.30 Pokemon Advanced Do you think they’ve run out of programming ideas? 10.00 WWE Afterburn 11.00 WWE Heat 12.00 King of the Hill 12.30 King of the Hill 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Malcolm in the Middle 15.00 Jack and the Beanstalk 17.00 Little Monsters 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons While a British filmmaker (Eric Idle) makes a documentary about Springfield Elementary, Lisa tries to save the night sky.

19.00 Malcolm in the Middle Lois imagines what life would be like if her boys were girls.

19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 Is Harry on the Boat?

23.00 The Villa 00.00 Uncut!

Uncut! Kirsty's Home Videos 00.30 Z-List Behaving Badly 01.30 Naked in Blackpool 02.25 Is Harry on the Boat?

As S4C except: 06.05 The Clangers 06.15 The Hoobs 06.40 The Hoobs Tula's having a `ten' day - where everything has something to do with the number 10. Including vibrators and orgasms. 07.05 Insektors 07.20 Bug Alert!

07.45 The Kids from Room 402 08.30 Spider-Man 09.00 T4: Smash Hits Chart.

09.30 T4: Popworld 10.25 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.25 T4: G Girls 13.00 T4: Fashion House 14.05 T4: Friends 14.40 T4: Will and Grace 15.10 Scrubs 15.45 T4: Andromeda 16.40 T4: Stargate SG-1 17.35 Scrapheap Challenge 18.35 Enterprise 19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 The Theory of Everything: Einstein's Dream 21.00 FILM: Final Destination *** 22.50 The Real Blair Witch 23.50 FILM: Audition Terrifying and disturbing essential viewing *** 01.55 V Graham Norton: Look Back 02.20 FILM:Night of The Hunter **** 04.30 Initiation of Sam 04.35 Jesus Comes to London 05.20 Countdown

Gay Bishops ITV1 0.20am

Sunday 2 November

Television

Page 24

November 1 2003

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Monday 3 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Garden Invaders 10.30 House Invaders 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 12.00 Trading Treasures 12.30 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Boo! 15.35 Bob the Builder 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Metalheads 16.25 Eureka TV 16.40 Jackie Chan Adventures 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Holiday 2004 19.30 X Ray 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 Looking for Victoria Prunella Scales wanders about, daft as a brush, pretending to be Queen Victoria.

You know you can get pills for that don’t you, Pru? Actually, this is really good. Hmm..I’ve got quite sad really haven’t I? 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Men Behaving Badly 23.20 My Worst Week Iain Lee gurns smugly about the week pikey ruffian Brian Harvey from East 17 alienated his tweenaged fanbase by getting wazzed up on E and ranting like a subnormal, leaving the baldie one and the hairy one to make simian hand gestures into the crushing silence of a failed pop dreeeeam. Or something.

00.00 FILM: Adolf Hitler - My Part in His Downfall *** 01.45 Sign Zone 04.05 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Angelmouse 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Rotten Ralph 07.30 I Love Mummy 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Blue Peter 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Wide Eye 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Andy Pandy 10.25 Stingray 10.50 Look and Read 11.10 BBC Primary History 11.25 BBC Primary History 11.50 See You, See Me 12.10 See You, See Me 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures 13.30 What the Romans Did for Us 13.50 FILM: The Fugitive *** 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 Time Commanders 19.30 Landscape Mysteries: The Tower People of Shetland 20.00 Mastermind 20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Room 101 Oirish charmer Ronan Keating apparently dislikes rude people, hangovers and miming.

Oh, the irony...

21.30 Dead Ringers 22.00 Early Doors 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Holidays in the Danger Zone: Meet the Stans: Kazakhstan 00.00 Profile 00.30 BBC Learning Zone Ah my pretties, my pretties. How I missed you! TV Amy here again, breaking free of the terrible shackles of gainful employment to give it to you old skool style for one night only, lured back by the promise of fame, glamour, cheap sex and the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle.*

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Soaps Special 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Boohbah 15.30 The Flintstones 16.00 All Grown Up! 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street Tracy's initiation as a cab driver leaves her with egg on her face. Snigger. Is that what they’re calling it these days?

Incidentally, this is the only fnarr-worthy listing on terrestrial TV today. Sort it aaaht, listing bods you muppets. I want misconstruable filth, damn you.

21.00 Holiday Airport Cyprus 22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 The Frank Skinner Show 23.20 The Premiership on Monday 00.50 Football League Extra 01.30 Today with Des and Mel 02.15 Now and Again 03.05 Entertainment Now! 03.30 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 03.55 Get Stuffed!

04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News *Actually it’s because I’m a tragic specimen who can’t let the student lifestyle go. Ah, my faithful followers, you have no conception of the horrors that lie in wait for you outside the cosy duvet of studentdom. Take my advice and don’t venture out...

BBC 3

ITV 2

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Dusty Springfield's Rock Shrine 19.30 FightBox 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 Burn It 21.30 Beckham: The Real Deal How will Posh and Becks find life in Spain's capital? Or perhaps more importantly, why won’t her Poshness admit to having a tit job, like the common little Essex tramp she is? If those impossibly perky puppies of hers are in fact real, then she’s a miracle of nature and should be vivisected in the name of scientific research immediately. 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Dead Ringers 23.30 They Think It's All Over 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 FightBox 01.00 Little Britain 01.30 Get Staffed 02.00 The Third Degree 02.30 Art in the City 03.00 Liquid News 03.30 FightBox

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Confessions 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer Outrageous 19.50 Movies Now 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 Champions League Weekly 21.00 Greasemania 22.00 Million Dollar Babes 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.00 Jerry Springer 00.45 Late Show with David Letterman 01.35 Felicity 02.25 Teleshopping 03.25 Trisha 04.50 Judge Judy 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

Beckham: The Real Deal BBC3 9.30pm

Room 101 BBC2 9pm

S4C

five

09.30 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Caleb 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Bibi 13.15 Tony Robinson's Romans 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Troeon Tristan 16.25 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy Do you know what I hate about work more than, like, the actual work? Not being able to watch the divine Monsieur Madeley be rude, sarcastic and, dammit, fucking sexually attractive for an hour at a time. It breaks my bitter and blackened heart, but I don’t think Richard-fancyage is a valid reason for resignation. Grr. 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Yr Ocsiwniar 20.30 Ffermio 21.00 Pobol y Cwm 21.30 Sgorio 22.35 Teachers It’s the last in the current series, directed by that delectable if irritatingly ubiquitous Northern lovely Andrew Lincoln. If you miss this, I will personally come round and whip you with my own dirty and congealing knickers. Fear me, fuckers, fear me.

23.35 V Graham Norton 00.15 Lock Up Your Sons 01.15 Will and Grace 01.40 Speed Machines 02.40 Disunited Kingdom 04.00 Ysgolion

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Capital Floyd 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.30 FILM: McCloud: Portrait of a Dead Girl ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 World's Greatest Cranes 20.00 Building the Ultimate Building the ultimate what?

The ultimate salad spinner?

The ultimate weapon of mass destruction? Or maybe the ulimate blow-up doll with realistic genitalia? But perhaps that’s just my crazy crazy dream... 20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 FILM: Tequila Sunrise *** 23.15 Shaving Ryan's Privates Apparently, this is a porn remake of Saving Private Ryan. Yes. You read correct.

Expect hardcore scenes of Tom Hanks getting the bumlove. Probably.

00.20 Real Sex 01.05 NFL Update 01.45 ITU Triathlon 02.35 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing 03.25 V8 Supercars 04.15 2003 X Games 04.40 Argentinian Football: Boca Juniors v Estudiantes

E4

SKY 1

C4

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Dawson's Creek 22.00 Sex and the City 22.30 Little Friends Now this sounds genius. Tiny, seemingly cute children humiliate celebrities thus revealing their true, horrific nature.*shudder* Think The Pilot Show but with anklebiters as the tormentors.

23.00 Porn: A Family Business: Casa de Butts 23.35 V Graham Norton 00.15 Hollyoaks 00.45 The Salon 01.15 Dawson's Creek Dawson shoves $3,000 of heroin up his sweaty crack while giving Pacey’s dead mother a hefty fisting. Haaah!

Not really! 02.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 02.50 Sex and the City Samantha shoves $3,000 dollars of heroin up her sweaty arse crack while fisting Carrie’s dead mother. This is really true.

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X-Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Stolen Youth ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 FILM: National Lampoon's Animal House ****23.00 Uncut!

Kirsty's Home Videos 23.30 South Park 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X-Files 01.50 Angel 02.40 Philly 03.30 Shipmates 03.55 British Tribes 04.45 Dirty Money 05.10 Guilty!

News from GR Towers: A certain sports editor went into a brothel last week and paid a dirty lady to dress him up as a baby and spank his bottom.

More revelations next week from my new book, the sensitive and loyal “Riath: A Royal Duty”.

06.05 The Hoobs Tula is going to be a hoobelly groobelly gymnast! But first she has to practice, and this involves a lot of falling over!

So she needs something soft to fall on. I don’t really need to add anything here, do I? Except, of course, fnarr.

06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 9.55 Holiday Maker. 10.20 Real Science. 10.45 Animated Tales of the World. 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 German.

11.40 Think Business. 12.30 Home Sweet Home 12.45 FILM: The Hasty Heart ** 14.45 Fifteen to One 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Mesh 20.00 Speed Machines: Bentley v Mercedes 21.00 Lifer: Living with Murder 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Shriek Week FILM: The Ninth Gate** 01.10 Shriek Week FILM: Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town *** 02.40 Crime Team 03.40 Great Britain 03.45 Home 04.00 4Learning

Monday 3 November

Television

November 1 2003

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grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Tuesday 4 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Garden Invaders 10.30 House Invaders 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 12.00 Trading Treasures 12.30 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Metalheads 16.25 Watch My Chops 16.35 The Queen's Nose 17.00 Byker Grove 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Nina gets offered a tour with Robbie D. Not to be confused with Robbie G, the bassist in arguably the worst band of all time, the child abuse merchants, King Adora.

18.00 BBC News News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders 20.00 Holby City 21.00 A Life of Grime 21.30 They Think It's All Over 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 Separated at Birth 23.45 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross Featuring the blockbuster The Matrix Revolutions and the results of a poll to find the worst film of all time. Possible inclusions: Barb Wire, Father Of The Bride Part Two, Batman Forever, The Avengers, Starship Troopers, Pearl Harbour, Waterworld, and the completely awful Space Jam. 00.15 FILM: Citizen X **** 02.00 Sign Zone: SAS Survival Secrets 03.00 Sign Zone: See Hear.

06.00 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Snailsbury Tales 07.30 Chuck Finn 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Blue Peter 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Bob the Builder 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Andy Pandy 10.25 Stingray 10.50 Look and Read 11.10 BBC Primary History: Snapshots 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Homeground 14.00 am.pm 15.00 Delia's How to Cook 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 TOTP 2 REM special. I personally rate these MOR drivellers as one of the five worst groups of all time, so I can’t in any way condone the watching of this. Go away.

18.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 19.30 Gardeners' World 20.00 What the Industrial Revolution Did For Us 20.30 Days That Shook the World: Romanovs 21.00 The Victoria Cross: For Valour With Jeremy Clarkson for some reason. 22.00 Can't Take It with You 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Holidays in the Danger Zone Sand a Russian one.

00.00 Profile 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Ever Wondered about Food? 01.00 At Home 01.30 My Favourite Things 02.00 Secondary Schools: AZ of Politics D is for Duncan Smith. See also: Dunce, Dull, Dire, Drip, Dickhead and, of course, Deposed.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Soaps Special 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 What about Mimi?

16.00 Jungle Run 16.30 Pirate Islands 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Siobhan braces herself as Paul lets Frances and Ronnie in on their heartache. As you would, entering into a rural foursome with people with “heartache”. Elsewhere, Ashley struggles to deal with reaction to his relationship with Louise. “Aaaaargh! It’s gone hard, what do I do with it?!”

19.30 Champions League Live: Manchester United v Rangers The Battle of Britain, so they say, although a lot less interesting. And since United are going to pot, expect the ‘Gers to triumph, even though they both suck.

21.50 Beckham's Body Parts This week; his overactive loins, his defective mind, and his ludicrous metamorphosising haircut.

22.50 ITV News at Ten... fucking fifty.

23.20 Champions League 00.20 FILM: Divided by Hate Drama not starring our Jude and Sadie, but might as well do. *** 01.55 Champions League 03.30 World Football 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Snailsbury Tales BBC2 7.20am

S4C

five

12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Wil Cwac Cwac 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Pei Pwmpen 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Dic a Dei a Delyth 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Tales from River Cottage 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Cawl Potsh 16.25 Planed Plant: Mas Draw 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy With Christopher Lee and Kelly Osbourne. “Hahaha you must burn in eternal damnation inside a big wicker man for landing on our island, intruder!” And also Christopher Lee. 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Wawffactor!

Humourously titled Welsh Pop Idol shenanigans with judges including Aled Jones and Owen from Catatonia. Big names a-plenty then.

21.00 Welsh in a Week 21.30 Wife Swap Only for this week, Husband Swap.

Will it be any different?

Probably not.

22.30 Lifer: Living with Murder 23.35 V Graham Norton 00.15 Cutting Edge 01.15 FILM: Carrington **** 04.00 Ysgolion For want of anything better to say, TV Andy has just put on the phenomenal Losing My Edge by the LCD Soundsystem on in the office. If you can think of anything more glorious, you’re wrong. I was there.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Capital Floyd 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: Range of Motion *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Lights, Camera, Accident Pun of the week, with what’s essentially International You’ve Been Framed. With Tony “No, not the skateboard prick” Hawks.

20.00 Dumber and Dumber 2 20.30 Britain's Worst Celebrity Driver With four profession celebrities: Sarah Cawood, Nicholas Parsons, Jeremy Spake and Paul Ross.

Answers to TV Desk if you know what any of these people do APART from appear in celebrity ‘specials’.

21.00 CSI: Miami 21.55 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.50 Family Killers: Black Widow - Ohio v Sutorius 23.30 Murder Detectives: Death Behind Bars This week, an insight into RSVP and O’Neill’s, and what happens if you consider asking about the price of orange squash.

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Notorious BIG's Rock Shrine That would be a sixty-megaton rock, then.

19.30 FightBox 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Monkey Dust 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Burn It 23.00 Anna in Wonderland: Black Shirts Documentary series in which Anna Nolan, travels the world visiting weird and wonderful people.

This edition features the Black Shirts, a men's rights vigilante group based in Melbourne who believe that leaving one's husband should be punishable by death.

Their uniform is paramilitary and they use extreme methods to intimidate women, all in the name of the sanctity of marriage. Pricks!

Although that goes without saying.

23.30 Vinnie: Surfing USA As bad as it sounds. Vinnie Jones going to the US to learn how to surf for his new movie. Yuck.

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.50 Ask a Silly Question This week: “Why do I bother doing TV listings when everyone whose house I visit including my own have copies of TV Quick or The Radio Times anyway?”

18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Champions League Live: Lazio v Chelsea. I hate Chelsea because they are not a football team.

22.00 FILM: Crimson Tide At risk of repeating the oh-so-comical tampon visual joke of a fortnight ago, I won’t talk about this anymore.

00.10 Jerry Springer 00.55 Late Show with David Letterman 01.45 Felicity 02.35 Teleshopping 03.35 Trisha 04.35 Trisha Extra 05.00 Movies Now 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 The West Wing 22.00 Sex and the City 22.35 Daisy Daisy Daisy Donovan presents a series in which she infiltrates a number of different worlds.

Although sadly this insipid bint never leaves the real world and fails to return, hence every time you touch solid ground, you’re sharing it with Ms Donovan. Urgh.

23.10 Bo Selecta! Shite. Apparently Avid “Ho ho ho they’re all talking in the same voice!” Merrion is releasing a Christmas single, thus confirming him as 2003’s Ali G flavour of the month. Twat.

23.40 V Graham Norton 00.15 Kingpin 01.10 Hollyoaks 01.40 The Salon 02.10 Smallville: Superman the Early Years Aaa I don’t want to be doing TV tonight, I can’t be bothered. Why’s there so much space to fill up on E4 anyway? It’s just Friends all goddamn day. I recommend you do, however, buy Helman’s Buger Sauce. Yum yum. No seriously...

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Angel Flight Down ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation The Enterprise clashes with a Romulan warship while trying to rescue Geordi from a desolate and deadly planet.

Way-aye man.

18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 Magic Unmasked 21.30 The Simpsons 22.00 FILM: The Thing I haven’t seen this (obviously, I’m TV John) but having seen a thirty second clip on that Top 100 Scary Moments jive last week, this looks like one of the most sinister, sickening and downright terrifying films ever made. Man in hospital is cut open, his head stretches off and grows legs like a grotesque spider. A future plot for Doctors, you may think. Only much more terrifying. ***** 00.05 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X Files 01.50 Angel 02.40 Philly 03.30 Shipmates 03.55 Surviving the Moment of Impact 3

06.00 Ivor the Engine 06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Jamaica. 9.45 Tales from Wales.

10.00 Drugs. 10.25 Growing Up Gay. Age thirteen; acquire voice. 10.50 Number Crew 2. 11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 Citizen Power. 11.50 National Gallery.

11.55 Tate Modern. 12.30 Cheers 13.00 FILM: Brothers in Law With Richard Attenborough and Ian Carmichael. *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Mesh 21.00 Wife Swap 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Brookside See Pick of the Week. The last episode! I might just watch this, purely because I might as well make the last ever episode, the first I ever bother to watch. 00.20 The Secret Life of Us 01.15 The Secret Life of Us 02.10 Enterprise 02.55 Stargate SG1 03.40 The Invasion Possibly involving the makers of Looko-Look confectionary, currently invading every cafe on the entire university campus.

04.00 4Learning 4.00 The Business.

5.15 Science Bank 2. 05.50 Animated Tales of the World If anyone’s wondering, I’m not actually a vampire, because I bite people during the daytime as well. Just to clarify.

The Thing Sky One 10pm

Tuesday 4 November

Television

Page 26

November 1 2003

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Wednesday 5 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Garden Invaders 10.30 House Invaders 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 12.00 Trading Treasures 12.30 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Get Your Own Back 16.35 The Wild Thornberrys 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Jack interferes with Nina's career. Is that what TV are allowed to call lady-bits now? Toadie, Stuart and Connor are caught in a compromising position, as Stuart sends jets of steaming white man juice down Toadie’s man-tit valley.

Connor is just a voyeur who occasionally interjects a “top of the morning” into the proceedings.

18.00 BBC News News.

18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Animal Hospital 19.30 Kenyon Confronts: Yobs: Busting the Ban 20.00 Only Fools and Horses 20.50 The National Lottery: Midweek 21.00 Fast and Dangerous 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 High Hopes no. 67: that I will find something amusing and/or witty to say about this programme.

23.05 ONE life: Scared to Leave Home 23.45 FILM: Escape from LA *** 01.25 Sign Zone: ONE Life 02.05 Sign Zone: Bargain Hunt 02.35 Sign Zone: Changing Rooms 03.05 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Angelmouse 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Anthony Ant 07.30 Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Yo! Diary 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 The Koala Brothers 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10.35 Stingray 11.00 What the Victorians Did for Us 11.30 am.pm 13.00 Wildlife on Two 13.30 Working Lunch 14.05 FILM: Bed of Roses *** 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 TOTP 2 18.45 Buffy the Vampire 19.30 Atkins: A Fat Profit 20.00 Five Things I Hate about You Trevor Nelson presents the series which films couples' irritating habits.

Trevor Nelson is irritating enough on his own.

20.30 What Not to Wear Special edition David Baddiel gets a wardrobe makeover, as he is unpicked from Frank Skinner.

21.00 The Million Pound Property Experiment: Harborne 22.00 The Office 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Holidays in the Danger Zone: Meet the Stans 00.00 Profile 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Finding a Way 01.00 What's Right for Children? 01.30 Open Advice - A Meeting of Minds 02.00 Secondary Schools: Study Ireland 04.00 Languages 05.00 Working in the Community

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Soaps Special 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Boohbah 15.35 The Flintstones 16.05 Art Attack 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Steph decides it is time to kiss and sell, though finds that only Razzle wants her story, and even then she has to splice the word ‘cunny’ in three times a sentence.

19.30 Coronation Street Lucy's revenge knocks Peter for six. Dev's new love interest gives Sunita some ideas of her own. A tentative threesome?

20.00 The Bill 21.00 FILM: Double Jeopardy *** Tense thriller about a woman convicted for her husband's murder after he goes missing one night and she wakes covered in blood. After being imprisoned for six years she is freed after the wardens realise that he just hates her when she’s on the rag.

23.00 ITV News at Ten 23.30 Family 00.30 Redcoats 00.55 CD:UK Hotshots 01.35 FILM: Ernest Goes to School * 02.50 World Sport 03.15 Football League Extra 03.55 Get Stuffed! 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Extreme Holiday Disasters five 8pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Teletubbies 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Barrug 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 French Leave 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Mali O 16.25 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 16.35 Planed Plant: 13.30 Munud o Enwogrwydd 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Beryl needs help but Cassie won't answer the phone, because she is far too busy soiling her greying knickers and then leaving them to bake in the airing cupboard to later be sold on Ebay and bought by TV Steve.

20.25 Dudley 21.00 04 Wal 21.30 Y Byd ar Bedwar 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Brookside In the last ever episode, Ben squeals girlishly as Tchae tea falls on his head, ‘Wake the Dead’ (or Necropihiliacs Anonymous) gather on the Close’s patios and lesbian nannies of the world unite and take over. I hope this sorry tripe is fed to the the dog that shat it out in the first place.

00.15 Mariah Carey 01.15 The Secret Life of Us 02.05 The Secret Life of Us 02.55 Twenty Years of the Turner Prize 03.55 FILM: Frankenstein Created Woman

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Dream Holiday Home 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 FILM: Columbo: Murder of a Rock Star *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Heroes of World War II: The Men Who Lit Up Germany 20.00 Extreme Holiday Disasters Drug-dealers and prostitutes in a supposedly idyllic location. Er, and this is a disaster?

21.00 The Ads They Had to Ban Including a wine advert where the bottles are suggested as ideal for rectal surges of pleasure, a tampon one that uses strawberry jam instead of blue water and that unnecessary - and absurd advert with Adam and Joe and Lawrence LlewellynBowen.

22.00 FILM: Predator 2 *** 00.05 Arrest and Trial 00.30 NHL Ice Hockey: New Jersey Devils v San Jose Sharks 03.30 2003 X Games 04.45 Motorsport Mundial 05.10 European Drag Racing 05.35 Fastrax

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Marc Bolan's Rock Shrine 19.30 FightBox 20.00 Liquid News This week, Posh’s new hairstyle represented as five vegetable and spice soup.

20.30 Robbie Williams: What a Performance I mean, it must be hard pretending to be such a self-involved, chronically awful, egocentric and ugly cunny, complete with foulsmelling discharge.

21.00 What Not to Wear Knickers on your head, dildos in your ears, body stockings...

21.30 FILM: Copycat *** 23.25 Little Britain 23.55 Liquid News 00.25 FightBox 00.55 Casino 01.55 Little Britain 02.20 New Tycoons 02.50 Liquid News 03.20 FightBox

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.50 Chart Choice 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.40 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.00 Shopping from Hell 21.00 Holiday Showdown 22.00 Airline 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Real Crime: The Truth about the Babes in the Wood 00.05 Jerry Springer 00.50 David Letterman 01.40 Felicity 02.30 Teleshopping 03.30 Trisha 04.30 Trisha Extra 04.50 Judge Judy 05.10 David Letterman

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Perfect Match USA 22.00 Sex and the City 22.30 Distraction Jimmy Carr presents the comic game show where contestants must answer general knowledge questions whilst attempting to complete some by bizarre challenges. Like, say, conjugating a French verb whilst a midget covers his knob in lard and slides it around in your navel.

23.00 Little Friends 23.30 V Graham Norton 00.10 Hollyoaks 00.40 Hollyoaks: Leap of Faith Is that a self-relexive link about actually watching this?

01.10 The Salon 01.40 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 02.30 Perfect Match USA 03.20 Sex and the City

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: A Father's Son ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Kirsty's Home Videos Includes an Alsation licking Marmite from a rather flabby young lady.

21.00 Young Guns Behaving Badly 22.00 Sex on the Beach means sand in places you didn’t realise were cavernous.

Or an STD you didn’t know existed, caught from Zack or Michelle, or from both if you were really dirty.

23.00 Frank Bruno: Laid Bare 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X Files 01.50 Angel 02.40 Philly 03.30 Shipmates 03.55 Fear Factor UK 04.45 Dirty Money

06.00 Ivor the Engine The animated adventures of a little Welsh train and his friends. 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Rat-aTat-Tat. 9.50 Maths Mansion. 10.10 Natural Hazards. 10.25 Making It. 10.35 Extra 3. 11.00 Hoobs . 11.25 Improving City Schools. 11.50 Self Portrait UK. 11.55 Making It. 12.30 Water Stories 12.35 FILM: Four for Texas ** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Mesh 20.00 Grand Designs 21.00 No Going Back: Italy 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Hollyoaks: Leap of Faith 23.15 FILM: Nightwatch *** 01.10 Brazilian Championship 03.05 Pirelli British Rally Championship 2003 03.35 Pirelli British Rally Championship Review 04.30 World Rally Shakedown 05.00 Countdown 05.45 Chicken Wire 05.55 The Clangers

Hollyoaks: Leap of Faith C4 10.40pm

Wednesday 5 November

Television

November 1 2003

Page 27

where’smyfeckingpizza@cf.ac.uk

Thursday 6 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Garden Invaders 10.30 House Invaders 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 12.00 Trading Treasures 12.30 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 Fairly Odd Parents Aren’t they all?

17.00 Byker Grove 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Lyn is caught shoplifting. Edwina tells Taj the truth about Jack.

Karl and Susan are at odds over Darcy's trial.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Bargain Hunt 19.30 EastEnders The day of reckoning arrives for Martin as Sonia attacks him for his behaviour. Garry talks about the future with Lynne. Kat gets into hot water with Andy.

I’d never share a bath with that slapper - I bet she’s got flange like a clown’s pocket.

20.00 Superstars 21.00 Hunting Chris Ryan 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Question Time 23.35 Dragon's Eye 00.05 This Week 00.55 FILM: My Very Best Friend * 02.35 Sign Zone: Design Rules 03.05 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 04.00 Sign Zone: Watchdog 04.30 Joins BBC News 24 News Desk joins me in appreciating Smog’s Cold Blooded Old Times. Great song, but he’s not actually Scottish Pete...

06.00 CBeebies: Angelmouse 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Fix and Foxi 07.30 Super Rupert 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Blue Peter 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Sergeant Stripes 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Aiming for Excellence 10.50 Pod's Mission 11.05 Bobinogs 11.20 Focus Citizenship 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Golf: Seve Trophy 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer When Dawn, Buffy, Anya and even Willow find themselves head-over-heels in love with a quarterback, Xander and Spike must find out if magic is involved. Lucky bastard.. awesome group sex scenes.

19.30 Counties of Wales: Cardiganshire 20.00 Escape to the Country 21.00 Does Healing Work?

Three people suffering from chronic illnesses test the powers of healer Maureen Ramm, while their GP visits a man who claims to be able to cure cancer.

22.00 QI With guests Alan Davies, Jo Brand, Jeremy Hardy and Dave Gorman, who I’m going to see tomorrow.

He’s a bit of a legend really.

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Holidays in the Danger Zone 00.00 BBC Four on BBC Two: Quentin Tarantino talks to Kirsty Wark 00.30 BBC Learning Zone

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Soaps Special 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 SpongeBob SquarePants 16.00 Beat the CyBorgs 16.30 That's So Raven 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Fishlock's Wild Tracks 20.00 The Bill Racial tension in Sun Hill reaches boiling point as the force show off their new white hood helmets.

21.00 Holiday Showdown 22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 Follow the Fans 23.00 Wales This Week 23.30 The Joy of Decks Series following four unknown DJs as they are guided by Roni Size, Sister Bliss, Tom Middleton and Mr C into life as a working DJ, with a place on a global tour as the prize.

Pathetic attempt to bring Pop Idol to the dance scene. And what the flying monkey jizsm is former Jedi Knight and Warp Records legend Tom Middleton doing getting involved? Has he no shame anymore? What next, Aphex Twin presents his own cookery show? Grrr.

00.05 Love Match 00.30 Turn On Terry More porn.

00.55 Dare to Believe 01.20 CD:UK 02.25 The Machine 02.50 Cybernet 03.15 Motorsport UK 03.40 Ghost Stories 04.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC3

ITV2

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Kurt Cobain's Rock Shrine BBC Choice joins America's disillusioned youth outside the Seattle house where Nirvana rock star Kurt Cobain once lived. Been there, seen that, bought the shotgun...

19.30 FightBox 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 India's Ladyboys Documentary following four eunuchs as they attend the annual Koovagam Festival, the biggest eunuch gathering in India. We’ll be sending Sports Desk off to have the chop to cover it. Fetch me the hacksaw. Mwahahahahaha!

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 Liquid Assets: Robbie's Millions 00.00 Liquid News

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Dancing in the Street 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale Steph decides it is time to kiss and tell by working at A Touch Of Class. 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Chart Choice 20.00 Cruises from Hell 21.00 FILM: Fear ** 22.55 The Frank Skinner Show. 23.45 Jerry Springer 00.35 Late Show with David Letterman 01.25 Felicity 02.15 Teleshopping 03.15 Trisha 04.15 Trisha Extra 04.40 Judge Judy 05.00 Movies Now 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

India’s Ladyboys BBC3 9.00 pm

The Bill ITV1 8.00 pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Lisabeth 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Joshua Jones 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Fifteen to One 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Byd Bach Bedwyr 16.15 Planed Plant: Hotel Eddie 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Wawffactor!

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Hwyl y Noson Lawen 21.00 Pawb a'i Farn 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Y Sesiwn Hwyr Music from the Pop Factory in Porth, Rhondda.

23.40 Daisy Daisy Daisy Donovan presents a series in which she infiltrates a number of different worlds. In this edition, she investigates the world of the spelling bee. Am I the only person that thinks that Miss Donovan is a dirty little minx that likes nothing better than being tied to the bedposts and rodgered senseless? Ah well, on my own again.

00.10 Scrubs 00.35 Monkey 01.25 Headliners: Travis 01.50 British Rally Championship 2003 02.45 Brazilian Football Championship “SHIT - That was a goal!”, “The goalkeeper has football pie all over his face.”, etc. etc.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Capital Floyd 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 FILM: The Games ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Eileen is devastated when Mike tells Doug a nasty secret. There’s no shame in being a hermaphrodite Eileen, just look a Riath and Gloria Hunniford.

19.00 five news 19.30 Great Artists 2 with Tim Marlow 20.00 Young Elizabeth 21.00 FILM: Escape to Victory With Michael Caine and Sylvester Stallone, Pele, Bobby Moore and Ossie Ardiles. “F*cking Amazing” screams Riath whilst enacting Robbie Keane’s victory celebration. “Stallone’s a twat who should never have scored” proffers TV Steve returning from the dole queue. ** 23.15 Real Sex 00.15 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 00.55 UEFA Cup Football 02.25 Dutch Football: Ajax v Az Alkmaar 03.55 Argentinian Football: River Plate v Rosario Central 05.15 Argentinian Football Highlights

E4

SKY 1

C4

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating June Sarpong presents an all-new series of the celebrity dating show, as five boys and five girls move into two loft apartments and then through the week date each other. Dave proves unpopular when he gives all the other contestants leprosy. Serves them all right the diseased whores.

18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Joe Millionaire 22.00 Six Feet Under David arrives at a crossroads in his relationship with Keith. Rico finds it hard to find refuge from his domestic demons.

23.05 Queer as Folk 23.45 V Graham Norton 00.25 Hollyoaks 00.55 The Salon 01.25 The Michael Essany Show 01.50 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 02.35 Joe Millionaire

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X-Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Deep Family Secrets ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate 19.00 The Simpsons Homer fakes his own death in order to avoid doing a tedious job for Mr Burns.

19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Little Monsters 21.00 Fear Factor 22.00 Football Years The 1989/90 season.

23.00 Naked Angels in Beach Paradise 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X-Files 01.50 Angel 02.40 Philly 03.30 Shipmates 03.55 Better Mind Your Bollocks The mind boggles at what this shite might be. I’d avoid if I were you. 04.45 Dirty Money 05.10 Guilty!

As S4C except: 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Life and Living Processes 3. 9.50 Maths Mansion 3. 10.10 Self Portrait . 10.35 Extra 3: Auf Deutsch. 11.00 The Hoobs.

11.25 The Virtual Body.

11.45 Living and Growing 2.

12.30 Water Stories 12.35 Home Sweet Home 12.50 FILM: Hungry Hill ** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks Tony gives Bombhead a chance to prove himself but it blows up in his face... 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Mesh A series of animated films made on Channel 4's digital and interactive animation scheme MESH. 20.00 Tales from River Cottage 20.30 French Leave 21.00 The Queen's Lost Uncle 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Daisy Daisy 23.15 Wife Swap 00.20 Namibia Challenge 01.20 Freesports on 4 01.50 KOTV 02.20 Honda Formula 4Stroke Powerboat Championship

Thursday 6 November

Television

Page 28

November 1 2003

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Friday 7 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Garden Invaders 10.30 House Invaders 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 12.00 Trading Treasures 12.30 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Rugrats 16.35 The Ghosthunter 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Summer tries to make things better for Max. Fat chance. Is she planning on moving out, or snorting acid and possibly kicking the bucket? That’s the only way I can think of her “making things better”. Oh shut up you revolting pervs.

18.00 BBC News News.

18.30 Wales Today 19.00 A Question of Sport With Roberto “I’m surely not the best they could come up with” Di Matteo.

19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders The gloves come off as Andy delivers a chilling handjob to Alfie. (“warning”, surely? - ed.)

20.30 All about Me “All about Jasper Carrott being a humourless prick,” more like.

21.00 Absolutely Fabulous 21.30 Have I Got News for You 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Guests are Samuel L Jackson, Jerry Springer, the surname-free Alex from Fame Academy; and Radiohead being boring.

23.25 Boxing 01.00 FILM: North Dallas Forty ***

06.00 CBeebies: Angelmouse 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 The Lampies 07.30 Round the Twist 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Noah's Island 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Little Robots 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Magic Key 10.35 Storytime 10.50 Science Clips 11.00 Speak for Yourself 11.20 Writing Across the Curriculum 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Working Lunch 13.00 Golf: Seve Trophy 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 Scrum V Live: Cardiff Blues v Newport and Gwent Dragons 21.00 Gardeners' World With “Hullo, I’m” Monty Don 21.30 Timewatch: The Last Tomb Raider Was almost certainly NOT a half naked frumpy female who flipped switches for a living and posed in salacious garments on Playstation magazine. But it’s all artistic license, yeah?

22.20 Ancient Apocalypse 22.30 Newsnight With Gavin Esler.

23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Later with Jools Holland Jools 00.35 The X Files 01.20 FILM: The Addiction An “intelligent” vampire movie, apparently, so obviously they had me in mind... *** 03.00 BBC Learning Zone I wonder, has anyone ever used The Learning Zone to actually learn anything? Or is it just cheap television? Bring back pages from Ceefax, I say.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Soaps Special 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Boohbah 15.30 What about Mimi? 16.00 Fingertips 16.20 You Can Do Magic 16.30 All Grown Up! 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street Fred's Dracula Pie gives Les food for thought. Dev is left confused as Maya blows hot and cold.

A “say what?” and a big “fnarrr” respectively.

20.00 House of Horrors 20.30 Airline Rachael Gardner's hen night gets underway. Since we’re on the subject, Stag and Hen nights can actually fuck off. People seem to use them as excuses for one last chance to shag strippers and get wasted and superglued to lampposts. Doesn’t the fact you’re engaged suggest something fidelity-related? Aaargh.

21.00 POW 22.00 Tarrant on TV 22.30 ITV Weekend News 23.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 23.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp .

00.00 Tarrant on TV 00.35 The Making of Matrix Revolutions See pick of the week. 01.05 FILM: Top Dog Comic adventure about a cop who is reluctantly teamed with a new partner - a slobbering police dog called Rob Pulling. 03.35 Mixmasters 04.05 Entertainment Now! 04.35 World Football

Top Dog ITV1 1.05am

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Sali Mali 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Twm 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Fifteen to One 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Popcorn 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Dudley 20.30 Pobol y Cwm A happy day for Teg and Britt as they bring baby Catrin home. From the morgue.

21.00 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 21.30 World Rally: Great Britain 22.00 Grand Designs Revisited 23.00 V Graham 23.40 Dirty Sanchez 00.10 Distraction 00.40 Fashion House 01.10 FILM: Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town It really, really pains me to say this, but I saw this a few years ago the last time C4 showed it, and, sadly, it’s nowhere near as good as the title suggests. Loads of Cell Block H mullet-munchers literally fucking about on both sorts of bike, and the zombie bits aren’t even that good.

Boo. *** 02.40 Honda Formula 4-Stroke Powerboating Championship Gotta stay up for this one...

03.10 The Porsche Carrera Cup 03.35 Brazilian Football Championship

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Capital Floyd 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 FILM: All the Winters That Have Been ** 16.25 Open House with Gloria Hunniford: Celebrity Special 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Alf has a harrowing premonition of the future, as he teeters on the edge of the after-life.

Hmmm Ok Ok, since when has Home and Away gone all Twin Peaks on us? Next they’ll be telling us Jesse has been having backward-talking dreams, and Vinny’s returned to wreak revenge on his former collegues in a vicious game of Summer Bay chess.

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Mission to the Deep: WWI's Deadliest U-Boat 20.00 House Doctor 20.30 Dream Holiday Home 21.00 FILM: The Pelican Brief *** 23.45 Boomtown 00.40 Shock and Awe: The Return of Alien, with Danny Boyle 01.05 FILM: Captive * 02.35 FILM: Term of Trial With *** 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

CH 4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Buddy Holly's 19.30 FightBox 20.30 Celebdaq 21.00 Grease Monkeys 21.30 Absolutely Fabulous 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 23.00 What Not to Wear 23.30 Liquid Assets: Prince's Millions Legend.

That’s official. The entire Purple Rain soundtrack, YES. To be honest, I don’t really care if the half-baked shortass spent all his millions on hookers, crack cocaine and Led Zeppelin CD’s, providing I can go home after this and listen to the dulcet tones of I Would Die 4 U, When Doves Cry, or indeed, Purple Rain itself.

00.30 Celebdaq 01.00 FightBox 02.00 Stripping Pop: Badly Drawn Boy Things not to think about No. 570 02.25 Celebdaq

09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Movies Now 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Dancing in the Street 20.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 A look ahead to this weekend's quarter-finals.

20.30 Pop Idol Extra 22.00 The Joy of Decks Series following four unknown DJs as they are guided by Roni Size and Mr C.Presumably the Mr C. from The Shamen, not Hollyoaks 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Harry Hill's TV Burp 01.00 Jerry Springer 01.45 Late Show with David Letterman

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Wife Swap 22.00 Sex with Your Ex Documentary about snivelling twats who can’t stop sleeping with their exes. 23.05 Little Friends 23.35 V Graham Norton 00.15 Hollyoaks 00.40 The Salon 01.10 The Secret Life of Us 02.05 The Secret Life of Us 02.55 Smallville: Superman the Early Years Hum-drum, nothing to do. I left the office early last night and I feel like I’m being kept in the next day like I’m in detention or something. It’s not my fault I wanted to go and make Halloween pumpkins, it’s a natural urge. But anyway, since you probably can’t live without my musical suggestions each week (admit it) I’ve only got three letters for you this week.

Emo. You love it.

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Loss of Faith ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Malcolm in the Middle Lois imagines what life would be like if her boys were girls.

Life would be a lot better to live, for a start, and the two programs on later tonight may not have been made...

20.30 Scrubs 21.00 Dead Like Me 22.00 Dead Like Me 23.00 Unofficial World Records of Sex 23.30 Double Entry Two frankly unbelieveable programs discussed earlier in these TV listings.

00.00 Mile High 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 The X Files 02.40 Angel 03.30 Philly 04.20 Cream 05.10 Guilty!

09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Science in Focus. 10.10 Self Portrait.

10.35 Technology. 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 Extra. 11.50 Making It. 11.55 Life Stuff.

12.30 Cheers 13.00 FILM: Guadalcanal Diary . *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun shop.

18.30 Hollyoaks Kristian lends Izzy a shirt but Ben walks in and begins to wonder what's happened. Surely not the entire subject of todays ‘Oaks? 19.00 Channel 4 News. 19.30 World Rally: Great Britain 20.00 Unreported World: The City of the Lost Girls I was wondering what happened to that girl I asked out in Year 10 and never saw again...

20.30 Friends 21.00 Will and Grace 21.30 Scrubs 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Distraction 23.10 The Osbournes 00.10 Fashion House 00.45 FILM: A ma soeur! Highly salacious sounding film, about sibling rivalry and sexual awakening.

Incestuous fucking and fighting in historical France, then.

Liquid Assets:Prince’s Millions BBC3 23.30pm

Friday 7 November

Television

November 1 2003

Page 29

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Saturday 8 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Bill and Ben 06.30 CBBC: Enchanted Lands 06.40 Moomin 07.05 UBOS 07.30 Mona the Vampire 07.40 Tom and Jerry Kids 08.05 Looney Tunes 08.35 What's New Scooby Doo? 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 10.45 The Lord Mayor's Show 12.10 BBC News; Weather 12.20 Football Focus 13.10 Grandstand 13.15 Racing from Chepstow 13.30 Rugby League Preview 13.35 Racing from Chepstow 14.30 Rugby World Cup News 14.35 Golf 16.30 Wales on Saturday 17.25 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.45 Open All Hours A day in the life of Jordan’s snatch.

18.15 Celebrity Dog School This episode, Geri Halliwell and Sarah Jessica Parker compete in the walking without a leash heat. Both fail: SJP because she keeps sticking her nose up other dogs’ bums and them not allowing her to disengage as it gives them sphincter ecstasy, and Geri because walking snaps her skinny ankles.

18.45 Here Comes the Sun and yet it’s now officially monsoon season in dear Caerdydd.

19.35 National Lottery Wright around the World 20.10 Casualty 21.00 The Royal British Legion Festival of Remembrance 22.40 BBC News; Weather 23.00 Liquid Assets: Kylie's Millions 00.00 Match of the Day 01.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 01.50 They Think It's All Over 02.25 A Question of Sport 02.55 Top of the Pops 03.25 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 Weekend 24 09.15 The Sharp End with Clive Anderson 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 10.45 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow Now really, this has gone on long enough. This is a joke, isn’t it. Yes, this is a joke...

11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 See Hear 12.45 The Sky at Night 13.05 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 13.35 Watching the Detectives: The Rockford Files 14.25 Watching the Detectives: Nero Wolfe Mysteries 15.55 Watching the Detectives: The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 16.45 The Great War I didn’t think it was that good.

17.25 What the Papers Say 17.35 Miss Marple: A Caribbean Mystery 19.25 FILM: Day of the Evil Gun ** 21.00 The Big Read: Top 21 Revealed 22.30 Have I Got News for You 23.00 Room 101 Ronan Keating's dislikes include rude people, hangovers and miming. Well, stay in your house, don’t drink and then sing in your real voice. Thus, nobody will buy your records because you sound more hideous than the noises Liza Minnelli makes when she’s copulating; you won’t have headaches, and finally, I won’t be able to berate you in the street. Problems solved.

23.30 The Country Music Awards 2003 Shania Twain snogs Dolly Parton in attempt to make her career more sellable, then releases a video of the event for the delight of disillusioned and needy rednecks everywhere.

01.00 FILM: The Sweet Hereafter *** 03.00 Learning Zone

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Rugby World Cup 2003 12.25 On the Ball 12.55 ITV News; Weather 13.00 HTV News and Weather 13.05 CD:UK 14.05 SMTV Gold 16.10 Rugby World Cup 2003 17.10 HTV News and Weather 17.25 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.40 Best Ever Hidden Camera Stunts Well the landlord of my last house seemed to have a good idea in installing one right in the controls of the shower. Except we got him back when we blocked it up with ejacula and pubes in a heady moment of fastest wank competitions. I lost, by the way.

18.40 Pop Idol 19.45 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

20.45 ITV Weekend News 21.00 Pop Idol Results 21.30 Single Alex attempts to thwart us by saying that he’s too busy to find romance, or even a good ramming, but you and I know that he’s taken this hour for one of the longest lonely hearts videos in history. To sum it up: anything will do.

22.30 The Premiership Arsenal v Tottenham and Wolves v Birmingham. Due to a lack of sport-related intelligence I won’t comment.

Instead, I will use this space wisely to apologise to the person I KOd last night in Clwb in attempt to dance like Morrissey. It was a bad idea: for a start, I didn’t even have a bunch of flowers.

00.00 The Frank Skinner Show 00.50 Harry Hill's TV Burp 01.15 The District 02.00 Soul Forever 02.55 CD:UK Hotshots 03.20 Turn On Terry 03.45 Entertainment Now! 04.10 Cybernet 04.40 Get Stuffed!

04.45 Nightscreen

BBC3 19.00 Superstars 20.00 FightBox 21.00 FILM: Copycat *** This is extremely shoddy this was on, on Wednesday.

Though if you were busy watching guys being burnt and children setting fire to their woolly hats then you’ll have your chance again.

Though this will be much less satisfactory than seeing brats smother themselves in oh-so flammable candyfloss and toffee apples then die of a long and painful roasting.

Mwahaha. Fucking kids, that’ll teach them.

22.55 Pompeii: The Last Day 00.00 Liquid Assets: Keanu Reeves' Millions 00.55 Little Britain 01.25 Monkey Dust is a poor substitute for the cloying and sticky simplicity of pure monkey love-yoghurt.

01.55 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 02.25 Diners 02.55 FightBox

When Sex Goes Wrong Sky One 11pm

ITV2 07.10 Rugby World Cup 2003 09.25 SMTV Gold 11.30 Emmerdale Omnibus 13.50 Coronation Street Omnibus 16.10 CD:UK 17.10 Pop Idol Extra 18.40 Rugby World Cup 2003 Don’t understand...

19.45 Pop Idol Extra 21.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 21.30 Pop Idol Extra - The Results Don’t care...

22.00 Million Dollar Babes 22.30 Office Monkey 23.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Don’t know the answers...

00.00 Pop Idol 01.05 Pop Idol Extra 02.15 Pop Idol Results 02.45 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 03.15 Teleshopping 04.15 Judge Judy 05.00 Trisha and yet still have space to fill! No!

Celebrity Dog School BBC1 6.15pm

S4C

five

06.25 Scrapheap Challenge 07.25 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 12.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 13.30 Channel 4 attheraces from Doncaster, Wincanton and Down Royal 15.55 The First World War 16.55 World Rally: Great Britain 17.45 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 19.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19.30 Twrio Live 20.30 Salome An Italian cartoon about three pigs and a salami sausage. That is a genu-wine listing, kiddiewinks!

22.30 FILM: Risky Business *** With Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay. Tonguein-cheek comedy about a normally well-behaved teenager who goes wild while his parents are out of town, and meets a prostitute who proposes using his home as her base. In charge at their affluent Chicago house, the 17year-old smells a dollar (or maybe her dirty beef curtains, who knows) when the hooker, on the run from a scary pimp, appears at his door. He takes her in, and, following his school's entrepreneurial teachings, lets her turn the house into a brothel for a night. Well, I honestly don’t know why they turned this into a film. Far too mundane for my taste. Never mind there may be flange footage.

00.20 Hollyoaks 00.50 Fashion House 01.20 The Great Adventure Race 01.50 G4 Global Challenge 2003 02.20 Brazilian Football Championship 04.15 KOTV 04.40 Unreported World

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 FAQ 06.35 Michaela's Wild Challenge 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Shake!

08.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 08.25 Beast Wars 08.55 Beyblade 09.25 Beyblade 09.55 Dan Dare 10.25 Xcalibur 11.00 Max Steel 11.30 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.25 Tintin 12.50 Robot Wars 13.55 Edgemont 14.25 USA High 14.45 Flaunt Chart Show 15.20 Home and Away Omnibus 17.25 FILM: Cop and a Half An eight-year-old boy witnesses a crime, but refuses to divulge anything to the police unless he is allowed to accompany them. The police comply, and seasoned plainclothes detective Nick McKenna is given the unenviable job of being the boy's ‘partner'. Random paedo uniform/handcuff scenes ahoy.

Directed by Henry ‘Fonz’ Winkler. ** 19.05 five news and sport 19.15 Charmed 20.05 The Moment of Impact 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 22.50 Law and Order 23.50 FILM: Random Encounter *** 01.25 Boxing Classic: Eubank v Rocchigiani 02.25 Boxing: Fight of the Week: Angel Vasquez v Ernesto Zepeda 03.30 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 04.20 That 70s Show 04.45 That 70s Show 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

E4

SKY 1

C4

14.00 The Salon: Reappointment 15.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.30 Friends 18.00 Friends 18.30 G Girls 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Joe Millionaire 21.55 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 22.25 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 23.00 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 23.30 E Graham Norton Billed as “interactive mischief and guests”, which can be broken into: bestiality, evilheads and sexual banter.

Jesus, that’s not worth staying in for, especially as the sum of all those parts equals Liza Minnelli, or fatty fatty toad lady, as I like to call her.

00.35 Joe Millionaire 01.25 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 01.55 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 02.20 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 02.50 Star Trek

06.00 Star Trek: Voyager 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Batman 08.00 Malo Korrigan 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek 15.00 Star Trek 16.00 Star Trek 17.00 Star Trek 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Fear Factor UK 21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 Young Guns Behaving Badly 23.00 When Sex Goes Wrong just take it with a good dollop of Vaseline.

23.30 Double Entry makes you tender but is better than no entry at all.

00.00 Football Years 01.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 02.50 The World's Worst Drivers 03.40 Double Entry 04.05 Cribs 04.20 Star Trek 05.10 Star Trek: Voyager

As S4C except: 06.10 The Hoobs There aren't many more hoobygroovy things on the Peep planet than a camel! But hey, it beats sheep again! 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Great Adventure Race 07.30 G4 Global Challenge 2003 08.00 Trans World Sport 09.00 The Morning Line 09.55 T4: Smallville 10.50 T4: Friends 11.20 T4: The Salon: Reappointment 12.25 T4: Smash Hits Chart 12.55 T4: Fashion House 16.00 World Rally: Great Britain 16.50 FILM: The Englishman Who Went up a Hill but Came down a Mountain *** 18.30 Channel 4 News 19.00 The First World War: Revolution 20.00 Brits Go to Hollywood: David Niven 21.00 Brits Go to Hollywood: Hugh Grant 22.00 FILM: Four Weddings and a Funeral**** 00.10 FILM: Small Time Crooks*** 01.55 FILM: Maurice *** 04.30 For Your Love 04.50 Norm 05.15 Countdown

Saturday 8 November

Television

Page 30

November 1 2003

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Sunday 9 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 08.00 Match of the Day 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 Countryfile 10.30 Remembrance Sunday: The Cenotaph 12.00 The Politics Show 13.00 Match of the Day Live: Accrington Stanley v Huddersfield Glamour tie extravaganza.

15.10 EastEnders 16.55 Points of View 17.10 BBC News 17.35 Songs of Praise Pam Rhodes introduces a Remembrance Sunday programme from Portsmouth's Anglican Cathedral.

18.15 Antiques Roadshow The team look over a huge blunderbuss, a mustard pot, valuable Russian jewellery and a huge Victorian wooden dildo.

19.00 Walking with Sea Monsters Swimming with sea monsters, surely? A look back at the ocean of half a billion years ago, ruled by sea scorpions and the massive, tentacled orthocone.

19.30 Ground Force 20.00 Monarch of the Glen 21.00 In the Line of Fire With John Simpson. Is he the new Martin Bell? First the shrapnel wound, then the political ambitions then, gasp, the white suit complete with blood stains. Awesome friendly fire scenes.

22.15 BBC News 22.30 On Show 23.05 Under Milk Wood 00.35 FILM: Three Fugitives An ex-con is determined to go straight, but suffers a major setback when he is taken hostage by a bungling thief in a bank hold-up, and ends up becoming the number one suspect for the crime. *** 02.10 Sign Zone: Panorama 02.50 Sign Zone: Smoking under Siege

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Bill and Ben 06.30 CBBC: Arthur 06.55 TazMania 07.15 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 To the Manor Born 11.00 Sunday Home and Garden 12.40 Hide-Hi! 13.10 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 13.40 Sunday Grandstand 13.45 Golf: Seve Trophy 16.45 Rugby League: Great Britain v Australia 17.25 Scrum V 18.10 Natural World: Moon Power From the tides of the sea to the red tide of the minge, the moon's influence is still as deep as it is mysterious. Apparently.

19.00 The Cenotaph: Highlights Awesome wreath laying scenes.

20.00 Top Gear The changing face of Bentley, the new Subaru Legacy, and Peugeot and Renault's trendy new Coupe Convertible models.

Tosser-mobile special.

21.00 Louis and the Brothel Louis Theroux lives in a Nevada brothel for six weeks.

He notes the dwindling enthusiasm of a new girl, talks to the paedophiles' favourite, and worries about Haley's alcoholism. I bet his glasses steam up, the geeky little oik.

22.20 Coupling 22.50 Gimme Gimme Gimme Roll-up ladeez and gents for repeat night on BBC2!

23.20 Arafat Investigated 00.05 Red Dwarf III 00.35 Boxing: Roy Jones Jr v Antonio Tarver “The black guy to win. They’re both black? Score draw.”

02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Key Skills: The Contenders 03.00 Secondary Schools: Dead Drunk/Scene Offside 04.00 Languages: Le Francais au Pluriel 05.00 Working in the Community: Building Better Media Relations

06.00 Meg and Mog 06.05 Boohbah 06.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 06.20 Engie Benjy 06.30 Meg and Mog 06.35 Boohbah 06.45 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 06.55 Engie Benjy 07.10 Rugby World Cup 2003 09.40 Rugby World Cup 2003 12.40 My Favourite Hymns 13.10 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 14.00 HTV News and Weather 14.05 Waterfront 14.35 Rugby World Cup 2003 15.35 FILM: Casper: A Spirited Beginning *** 17.15 HTV News and Weather Regional news round-up.

17.30 Your Century 18.25 Costa Living 18.50 New You've Been Framed! Including new features Kids Frame the Funniest Things and Named and Shamed. ITV: No 1 for groundbreaking entertainment.

19.20 Creature Comforts 19.30 Coronation Street Dev's surprise romantic gesture leads to a shocking discovery. Anal beads? Not worth the trouble mate.

20.00 Heartbeat An elderly man appears to be losing his mind, but Steve and Liz are determined to prove that he doesn't need to go into a home. Subtle viewing for for a lazy Sunday. Watch and let your mind turn to jelly.

21.00 Prime Suspect 23.00 ITV Weekend News 23.05 The Adventure of English 00.15 It's My Life 01.00 Trisha 02.00 FILM: The Demi-Paradise **** 03.50 World Sport 04.20 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Final Destination S4C 10.20pm

S4C

five

06.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 07.25 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 12.15 Welsh in a Week 12.45 World Rally Live: Great Britain 14.10 Smash Hits Chart 14.35 Fashion House 15.00 Hollyoaks 15.30 Hollyoaks 16.00 Maniffesto 16.30 Xtra Omnibws 17.30 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm 19.30 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 20.30 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 21.00 Pwy Ysgrifennodd y Testament Newydd? Guto Harri (his real name?) presents an examination of the writers of the Gospels Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Who were they? When and where were the Gospels which carry their names written? Why aren’t they called Arab names like, um...

Saddam? Theology never was my strong point.

22.05 Newyddion 22.20 FILM: Final Destination Whiney Yank teens unsuccessfully attempt to avoid dying in funny ways.

Entertaining. *** 00.10 FILM: Gossip Dark psychological thriller about a group of college students whose experiment in tracking how gossip is spread has chilling and unforeseen consequences. Hasn’t this got chubby face from Dawson’s Creek in it? ** 01.45 FILM: À ma soeur! A provocative tale about sibling rivalry and sexual awakening from the director of Romance. *** 03.15 FILM: El Condor

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 Beachcomber Bay 06.35 Dappledown Farm 06.55 A House That's Just like Yours 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 Babar 09.25 George Shrinks 09.55 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Morris 2274 11.30 Braceface 12.00 Stepping Up 12.35 Flaunt Chart Show 13.05 five news update 13.15 FILM: The Audrey Hepburn Story *** 15.55 Dream Holiday Home 16.25 Britain's Worst Celebrity Driver 16.55 five news and sport 17.00 FILM: Short Circuit 2 Hyperactive mechanoid Johnny 5 (alive!) comes out of hiding in the Montana countryside to discover the delights of the city and help his friends tackle a ruthless gang of bank robbers. Pony. ** 19.00 Robot Wars Craig Charles, can you sink any lower? Men And Motors anyone?

20.00 Monkey Magic 20.30 Movie Mistakes 21.00 FILM: The Presidio Mystery thriller about a former policeman who is assigned to work with his one-time commanding officer and sworn enemy to solve a murder on a military base. ** 23.00 World's Wildest Police Videos 23.55 Alias 00.45 The Challenge 01.10 NFL Live: St Louis Rams v Baltimore Ravens

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 Wild Weather: Wind Series in which Donal MacIntyre goes in search of the world's wildest weather. This edition uses 3D graphics to illustrate how wind and weather systems work. As well as standing in winds of 136mph, he meets those who have been caught in the middle of hurricanes and tornados. Got scared of being a proper journo then MacIntyre?

20.00 Liquid Assets: Keanu Reeves' Millions Series which examines the finances of the famous. He’s worth it for all that wit and charm.

21.00 What Not to Wear Trinny’s face and Susannah’s tits. That might be the wrong way round.

21.30 Dreamspaces 22.00 Absolutely Fabulous 22.30 Burn It 23.00 Dead Ringers 00.30 Love for Sale 01.00 Art and the City 01.30 Dreamspaces 02.00 Vinnie 02.30 Liquid Assets: Keanu Reeves' Millions 03.25 Love for Sale

09.25 The Premiership 10.25 Pop Idol 11.30 Pop Idol Extra 12.45 Pop Idol Results 13.15 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 13.45 Planet's Funniest Animals 14.10 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.35 Coronation Street Omnibus 19.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 Highlights of today's two quarterfinals.

20.00 Coronation Street Special Peter Barlow Peter Barlow, who had a twin sister, lived his early life in Scotland, was in the navy, had an insatiable appetite for wine, women and lies - and had a baby son and two wives all at the same time.

He’s not real y’know.

21.00 Pop Idol 22.05 Pop Idol Results 22.35 Pop Idol Extra 23.05 Coronation Street 23.35 Coronation Street Special Peter Barlow Exposed 00.35 The Frank Skinner Show 01.25 Beggars and Choosers 02.25 Teleshopping 03.25 Judge Judy 03.50 Movies Now

10.00 The Salon Live 19.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.00 The West Wing Bartlet decides to delay the announcement of his budget plan worried that it might harm Sam's chances in California. A liberal US president? It must be fiction.

21.00 Dawson's Creek Dawson begins to consider a backup plan in case his dream of becoming a successful director falls through. 1) Suck lots of cock. 2) Sell his massive chin to medical science in an attempt to find a cure for Bruce Forsyth. 3) Star in crap teen flicks before vanishing into obscurity.

22.00 Six Feet Under 23.05 Joe Millionaire 23.55 Little Friends Is this good? I wish I had E4...

00.25 The Pilot Show Now this does sound good. Sob. 00.55 Dawson's Creek 01.45 The West Wing 02.35 Six Feet Under 03.25 Little Friends I’m reminded of a possibly untrue story about Jon Bon Jovi getting a blowjob from a 17-year-old groupie while having a shit. I’m kinda impressed that the smell didn’t put either of them off. Yuck, mental image...

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Batman 08.00 Malo Korrigan 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 King of the Hill 12.30 Futurama 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Keen Eddie 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Little Monsters 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 Dream Team Clyde's ego takes a knock from Kirsty Gallacher, and Donna sees a chance to get rich quick.

21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 Is Harry on the Boat? Dean turns up with his grandad in tow, which angers Rosie who thinks it's bad for business. Garry tries his luck with a born again virgin. Eh? 23.00 Uncut! Kirsty's Home Videos 23.30 Sex on the Beach 00.30 Naked in Blackpool 01.30 Is Harry on the Boat? 02.25 Scrubs 02.50 Double Entry 03.15 Young Guns Behaving Badly 04.05 Cribs 04.20 Star Trek: Voyager 05.10 Star Trek: Voyager

06.00 Animal Alphabet 06.05 Animated Tales of the World 06.15 The Hoobs 06.40 The Hoobs Preschool fun.

07.10 Insektors 07.25 Bug Alert!

07.50 The Kids from Room 402 08.15 Spider-Man 08.45 T4: Popworld 09.45 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.15 T4: Fashion House 12.45 World Rally 14.10 T4: Friends 14.45 T4: Will and Grace Will is unnerved when his firm hires a new attorney - who turns out to be his worst enemy from school. Grace confesses her love for Nathan.

15.25 T4: MTV Europe Music Awards 2003 Highlights of the MTV Europe Music Awards 2003 from Edinburgh Featuring performances from The Darkness, The White Stripes, Beyoncé and Dido.

17.35 Scrapheap Challenge 18.35 Enterprise 19.25 Channel 4 News 20.00 The Theory of Everything: Elegant Universe 21.00 The 100 Greatest No 1's 01.05 V Graham Norton: Look Back 02.05 FILM: Les Enfants du Siècle *** 04.20 Des morceaux de ma femme

What Not to Wear BBC3 9pm

Sunday 9 November

Five minute fun

November 1 2003

Page 31

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

The Half-Arsed Quiz 1. What did Diana Ross name her son?

2. Which team won the third division in 1989/1990?

3. Who is Jon Voight’s daughter?

4. What note is the cymbal at the end of Bohemian Rhapsody pitched to?

5. What was the original intended time-travelling vehicle in Back To The Future and why was it not used?

6. In Friends which cameo celeb played a character suffering with chicken pox?

1. Ross 2. Exeter City 3. Angelina Jolie 4. G 5. A fridge - Spielberg didn’t want children locking themselves in fridges 6.

Chralie Sheen

Only in Britain...

...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance ...do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters ...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage

...do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front

Run this up to the gair rhydd office on the fourth floor of the union, or drop it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Name:_________________ ______________________ Email:_________________ ______________________ Tiebreak: In the style of Gareth, answer “Could there be a boy born that could outswim a shark?” ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ ________________________ Last week’s winner: Siobhan Gee wins because not only was she the only entrant but she elected to take Mark Cobley on her meal for two because “he doesn’t deserve to be the most hated gair rhydd member”.

Having discussed this in the office we realise that Ms Gee is actually Mark’s girlfriend at least somebody loves you Mark.

Win a meal for two at the Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant, two meals with rice (excluding King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlick).

Open Sunday - Thursday 6pm - 1am Friday and Saturday 6pm - 2am.

10 Mackintosh Place, 02920 481805

An absolutely true Halloween horror story A couple of Cardiff students were invited to a swanky family fancy dress do for Halloween this week.

The girlie got a terrible headache and told her fella to go to the party alone. So he took his costume and away he went. After sleeping soundly for about an hour, girlie woke without pain and decided to go to the party and spy on chappy to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her fella in his costume, dancing with all the pretty ladies and copping a feel here and there. She went up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he devoted his time to her.

After more drinks he finally whispered a proposition in her ear and off they went to one of the cars and had steamy sex in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and waited at home to hear her chap’s explanation.

On arrival he said he’d had an uninteresting night, explaining "You know I never have a good time when you're not there." So she asked "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met some of the guys and we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the boyfriend replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

Send in your jokes and humerous quips to:

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

“

I would like to play at the World Cup

”

Georgie Reames November 2003 IMG: Fights, controversy and goals.

Team focus this week, Surf Club

page 35

Issue 748. 1 November 2003 Sport Editors: Riath AlSamarrai, David Williams Email: grsport@cardiff.ac.uk Website: www.gairrhydd.net

page 34

BUSA REVIEW: page 34

COMMENT. Below Page 33

DRUGS BEN JOHNSON, Maradona, Dwain Chambers.

Sportsmen who should be chastised for corrupting sport or trailblazers who should be regarded as role models for future generations?

I can almost hear the tirade of abuse at such a suggestion as the wrath of all fair minded sportspeople bears down upon me. Picture the reaction at International Olympic Committee Headquarters, where equality seeking supremo Juan Antonio Samaranche had the gall to threaten London’s 2012 Olympic bid if the Football Association did not take vigorous action against Rio Ferdinand.

There is one simple way to eliminate the ever-present threat of drugs cheats in sport. Throw away the rule book, cast moral judgements aside and allow sportspeople to behave as adults. Grant them the freedom and autonomy to ply themselves full of whichever cocktail of drugs happens to be in vogue at any given time and observe the results.

Armchair sports fans the world over have come to possess a certain scepticism – almost an expectancy – that some of their heroes achieve success through more than natural talent and physical training. Would it not be refreshing to watch an Olympic final in the k n ow l e d g e that everyone is starting on an even

Are they really that bad? John Stanton investigates the darker side of the argument

footing?

Is there really such a difference between performanc-enhancing drugs and the multitude of supplements the modern sportsperson consumes on a daily basis? The most successful sportspeople would still almost exclusively be those with the most natural talent.

In response to the predictable accusations that this might cause elitism, this simply would not be the case.

Granted, drugs cost money but the naturally talented international stars of today already have highly rewarding sponsorship contracts, which would nullify such a problem.

The recent spate of positive tests for the banned anabolic steroid Nandrolone demonstrates why such a course of action should be considered. Positive tests for Nandrolone are most commonly found within athletics.

British sprinter Linford Christie is perhaps the most high profile sporting personality to have tested positive, yet he is far from alone. Jamaican sprinter Merlene Ottey and British 400m runner Doug Walker have also suf-

fered the same fate, along with Czech tennis star Petr Korda.

Whilst our initial collective reaction may be that they should be hung, drawn and quartered for such a heinous violation of sporting morals, let us take a moment to consider the scientific facts.

It is believed that Nandrolone is a substance produced naturally by the human body. There is also evidence to show that anyone who has eaten a large quantity of meat contaminated with the substance is particularly susceptible to having high Nandrolone levels.

Is it fair that someone is given a life ban from a sport when their only sin may have been to have a few too many portions of Sunday Roast?

Whilst there is such a doubt, it cannot be considered acceptable to destroy a person’s livelihood.

Sport has long been undermined by the presence of drugs cheats who show cowardice by believing they are above the laws of their sport’s governing body. The Rio Ferdinand saga has proved that drugs testing cannot be entirely effective.

Is it not time that we removed the conjecture and made sport an environment in which all have a fair chance of success?

Wales get a pizza the action

By James Cooke WALES 27 ITALY 15 WALES ENSURED qualification for the quarter-finals of the Rugby World Cup and can expect the tantalising prospect of England after beating Italy 27-15.

A markedly improved performance

saw Wales run in three converted tries, whilst the Italians could only muster five penalties.

Restored to full strength, the Welsh defence survived a tentative opening 10 minutes before Mark Jones dived over to complete a move which also involved namesakes Dafydd, Adam and Duncan Jones.

A tenacious Italian side had the lion’s share of first half possession, but despite consistent ball retention, they were lack-

ing in penetration.

Wales took advantage through some opportunism from Ceri Sweeney, whose 38th minute breach of the Italian defence allowed Sonny Parker to score and Wales to lead 20-9 at half time.

The second half brought some of the most intense rugby of the tournament, with Italian pressure refusing to relent, despite this being their second game in

Ospreys snared

ON THE CHARGE: Lee Abdul runs away for another try The Ospreys’ only response to the home side’s onslaught were two penalties from Henson, although a further two were missed.

CARDIFF BLUES 43 After the interval the Blues NEATH-SWANSEA OSPREYS 6 found themselves in a tighter match and were pegged back by the visiCARDIFF BLUES destroyed the tors.

Although the match was effectable topping Ospreys with a sixtry victory to move into the top tively over, as time drew on Blues fans would have been anxious for half of the Celtic League.

The victory was orchestrated by their team to claim the bonus fly-half Nicky Robinson whose run- point.

This concern was evident on the ning and kicking were faultless all pitch too as the Blues refused a afternoon. kick at goal in search of a furOlder brother Jamie weighed ther score. in with two tries, but was The chance was missed outdone by winger Lee to a knock-on before Abdul’s four touchNicky Robinson kicked downs. the next penalty to The Blues’ determistretch the lead. nation to play open Any anxieties over the rugby was made apparent Nick Robinson bonus point were allayed in right from the start. Fullstyle as the Blues held onto posback Craig Morgan’s inside run allowed Abdul to cross for his first session brilliantly to dominate the score with just over a minute on the final quarter and run in three further tries. clock.

First, Abdul doubled his hall with Robinson made the first of his five conversions in the match, and two more touchdowns, his fourth he was to be involved in creating being set-up by Jamie Robinson both of the Blues’ two subsequent who completed the rout with the sixth score at the death. tries in the first half.

The victory has boosted the The second was f inished by brother Jamie before Abdul added a Blues’ prospects as they adjust to third, despite the Ospreys’ man the new regional league, especially advantage after flanker Rob with playmakers Iestyn Harris and Appleyard’s sin-binning for a late Tom Shanklin away on World Cup duty. tackle.

By Owen Griffiths Blues Correspondent

four days.

Wales always looked the more likely scorers, but having conceded a couple of Rima Wakarua penalties, Welsh hearts were pounding nervously.

Dafydd Jones provided the cutting edge though to crush Azzurri aspirations on the hour mark.

His try, converted by Iestyn Harris, completed a powerful forward drive and proved to be the last score of the match, sealing a deserved victory.

“Defence won the game tonight,” concluded Italian coach John Kirwan, whose words were justified by the fact that one

particular Italian attack lasted 17 phases without success.

Colin Charvis epitomised Wales’ determination to defy the critics and avenge the six nations defeat, leaving Steve Hansen as relieved as he was elated: “This was really good for the boys’ self-respect, confidence and their growth as players.”

Wales now face the All Blacks having dropped only two bonus points so far. As clear underdogs, Wales are in a no-lose situation and, if defeated, look set to meet the arch-enemy in the quarter finals.

Sport

Page 34

November 1 2003

grsport@cardiff.ac.uk

BUSA

PHOTO: TOM BROWN

CLUB FOCUS

Results

SURF CLUB

By Tom Curren

“In there like swimwear” is a phrase often heard as keen members of Cardiff Surf Club brave the unpredictable waters of Porthcawl.

The club is over twenty years old and although the glory days of being BUSA champions seem a distant memory, there exists within the club a very friendly and welcoming spirit which makes the sport a worthwhile one to take up.

The enthusiastic committee recruited over 130 members at the Freshers’ Fair this year and the club has since gone from strength to strength.

At least once a week, depending on the swell, members travel to Porthcawl to ‘catch some waves’.

All abilities are catered for and all equipment, including wet suits, boots, and boards are provided.

The club recently purchased two mini-mal boards, which will be especially good for beginners to learn on, but which everyone will be able to have fun on if the waves are small.

On the weekend of March 5, the club will descend upon Fistral Beach, in Newquay for the BUSA Championships.

CARDIFF 1sts 9 – 1 TRINITY CARDIFF GOT THEIR season back on track with a comprehensive 9–1 thrashing of Trinity.

In truth, had Cardiff sustained their dominance for the entire 90 minutes the score could and should have been more. All this despite the squad being depleted through a number of injuries.

Within 10 minutes, Simon Lewis had scored after a thumping 20-yard drive from skipper Matt Kay rebounded off the post.

Leading by example, Kay covered every blade of grass as he drove his team on against their somewhat lacklustre opponents.

From there Cardiff were never in danger and looked capable of scoring with every advance. Soon they were two up, Si Green scoring the goal of the game with an audacious chip from 25 yards.

Quick strikes followed from Mike Rabjohns and Green as Cardiff cantered into the break with a four-goal cushion.

Complacency crept into the Cardiff play in the second half, with many of the players seemingly content to rest on their laurels.

However, any thoughts of an easy second half were eradicated with 25 minutes remaining as Trinity struck direct from a free kick, which sailed over a flapping Rich Warwick in the Cardiff goal. This caused Cardiff to spring to life once again, netting five more times in the final 20 minutes.

Jamie Parkinson and Kay scored almost identical goals, heading in following in-swinging Green corners, before Green himself scored. lt completed a super hat-trick.

Green has now bagged ten goals in seven games this season, a remarkable achievement by any standards.

All that was left was for midfield linchpin Benny Thomas to steal the show, netting goals eight and nine, deftly finishing after some dazzling trickery.

Elsewhere, the Seconds were soundly beaten 30 by an organised UWIC side, seeing Forbes’ men losing their unbeaten league record in the process.

The Thirds picked up their first point of the season, drawing 1-1 away to Gloucester, Steff Dutch bagging for Cardiff.

The Fourths, meanwhile, continue to defy all expectations, with Hawes’ men beating previously undefeated Glamorgan 4-1.

Gloucester

9-0

Lacrosse

12 - 6

Southampton

Men’s Football 1sts

9-1

Trinity

Men’s Football 2nds

0-3

UWIC

Men’s Football 3rds

1-1

Gloucester

Men’s Rugby 1sts

6-3

Swansea Institute

Men’s Rugby 2nds

7 - 10

Bath

Men’s Rugby 3rds

20 - 27

Gloucester

Men’s Hockey 1sts

6-0

Swansea

Men’s Hockey 4ths

6-0

Gloucester

Men’s Tennis Men’s Basketball

Bristol

135 - 80

Southampton

5-1

Bath

65 - 109 4-2

Southamton Institute

Women’s Football

1 - 14

Marjons

Women’s Hockey 1sts

1-1

Swansea

Women’s Hockey 2nds

6-0

UWE

Women’s Hockey 3rds

5-1

Aberystwyth

Golf

Netball 1sts

64 - 20

Oxford

Netball 4ths

26 - 29

Gloucester

Women’s Basketball

29 - 35

Women’s Volleyball

UWE

3-0

UWIC

Women’s Tennis

W/O

PLymouth

Women’s Rugby

72 - 5

Aberystwyth

A word from the President..

Hat-trick hero Green grabs glory as firsts fire nine

By John Tuscany

Wednesday October 29

Men’s Badminton 2nds

Men’s Fencing

This year they hope to enter three teams, including one girls’ team, so any budding Kelly Slaters are urged to get involved.

The surfers not only enjoy themselves in the water, but also on dry land. They have already had one successful social, which ended messily in Creation, and have many more plans in the ‘pipeline’.

The club makes great use of the University website (www.cardiffstudents.com) and their site is definitely worth a visit.

There are photos of previous trips and also a messageboard, which is checked and updated regularly.

Otherwise, please contact Dan or Ed, cardiffsurf@hotmail.com, for more information.

ROUND-UP

Tom Brown discusses this week’s BUSA action WEDNESDAY WAS A gloomy, miserable, and wet day but it seemed the sun shined on our teams, who produced some great results.

The ladies’ rugby team, looking smart in their new kits, used solid scrums and a well-organised back line to thrash Aberystwyth 72-5 with three tries scored by Mezz, who was awarded player of the match.

Although the Second and Third netball teams suffered narrow defeats, the First team won impres-

sively against Oxford 64-20 with a great performance by Helen Richards.

The injury-stricken mens’ First rugby team had a vicious battle to take a tight 6-3 win over the Swansea Institute boys in difficult conditions.

Fortunately, the Institute’s last drop goal attempt to tie the match dropped below the bar. On the hockey pitch, the men’s Fourth team are still unbeaten with another big win of 6-0, this time against Gloucester Seconds, and the First team had a

great pre-Varsity 6-0 victory over Swansea.

Further congratulations go to the football, volleyball, badminton, lacrosse, squash, tennis and golf teams.

Finally, the infamous ‘Search For The Baylord’ event takes place over the weekend, which is the product of such hard work and organisation by Cardiff Windsurfing Club.

213 students from across the UK signed up to take part in the fun both on and off (and in) the water.

Cardiff net comfortable win over Saints

By Hywel Bevan FOLLOWING LAST WEEK’S whitewash victory away at Swansea University, the mens’ tennis team entertained Southampton University.

Third seed James Franklin once again teamed up with fifth seed Raphael Olszyna-Marzys as they won a decisive tie-break in the first dou-

bles match, taking the rubber 9-8.

Meanwhile, first and second seeds Saq Rana and Dan Arbatto had a comfortable victory in the second doubles rubber, winning 8-1.

The only rubber lost by Cardiff came when Rana was defeated 7-6 26 6-4 in a three set encounter with his opposite number.

However, Rana’s loss was not crucial, as firstly Arbatto (6-0 6-2), and fourth seed Toi Tee (6-1 6-2), regis-

tered comfortable victories in their singles rubbers.

Cardiff ’s dominance was confirmed as Franklin won 6-1 5-7 6-2 against Southampton’s third seed. The final match score was 5-1 to Cardiff.

Cardiff womens’ team had a walkover as the match against Plymouth University was cancelled.

Both the mens’ and womens’ teams will hope to extend their unbeaten runs into next week’s BUSA matches and continue their good runs of form.

IMG Sport

November 1 2003

Page 35

grsport@cf.ac.uk

Cheating, broken bones and punch-ups. A normal week in IMG

By Beca Murphy IMG Chair

FOR THE second week in a row it rained and John Jenkins FC lost another of their players through lack of calcium in their diets.

FOOTBALL RESULTS Group A Momed 3 Accountancy FC 2 Law B 3 Earth Soc 2 Cathays FC 0 Economics 9 Myg Myg 2 Optometry 4

Group B Carbs A 3 FC Real 3 English Soc 2 Uni Hallstars 17 AFCHistory 2 Xpresston North End 1 Irish FC 2 Christian Union 2

Group C Jomec n/a Carbs B Bute Park Utd 2 Afro-Caribbean Soc 5 John Jenkins 1 Mathletico Madrid 5 Planderlecht 3 Accountington Stanley 3

Group D Law A 0 Lokomotiv Engin 3 The George FC 11 Japsoc 4 Gym Gym 4 Chemsoc 1 Pharm AC 0 Athletico Roy 2

NETBALL RESULTS Group A Cardiff Uni B 21 English Soc 0 Law B 17 Medics 0 Optometry A 6 Cardiff Uni C 23

Group B Chemsoc 10 The Marines 7 Cardiff Uni A 21 Socsi 2 Pharmacy A v Optometry B (postponed)

Group C Economics 12 Sawsa 3 Law A 28 Pharmacy B 6 Gym Gym 7 Carbs B 4

Group D Psychology 22 Xpress Radio 0 Christian Union 9 Comsoc 9 Carbs A 13 CPlan 7

The IMG football injury list has never been so colourful.

Two broken legs and a dislocated shoulder, and there’s only been three matches. Guys, invest in some milk and calcium supplements.

The toll of Rubber Duck is kicking in I think.

Law A were gutted with their 3-0 defeat against Lokomotiv Engin.

Heard it was a bit of a dirty match boys, and not in the muddy pitch

way.

And if dirty is the word to use, then the Carbs A match against FC Real may not be matched this term as allegations of cheating, a punch-up and a 3-3 draw left a sour taste in the mouths of Carbs A, who had led 3-0.

Economics and The George obviously have the taste for scoring goals. Economics beat Cathays FC 9-0, and The George FC karate kicking Japsoc’s ass 11-4 (bad pun I know).

Yet again Pharmacy A netball didn’t get a match, but this time they at

least weren’t booted off court after Optometry forgot to clean their glasses and mixed up their match times.

But never fear, the match has been re-scheduled for Sunday November 9 at 7pm at Talybont.

Elsewhere, a close match was played between Comsoc and Christian Union, with the final score tied at 9-9.

Cardiff Uni A, B and C just love notching up their goals, each team managed at least 20 scores, nice one girls.

FEATURED MATCH: Carbs A V. FC Real

By Thom Airs

I’m looking forward to seeing which division the teams will be in at the end of term.

Another win for Carbs A, beating Cplan by 13-7, was enough to keep them at the top of their group.

The same goes for Economics, who are also at the top of their group after beating Sawsa 12 – 3.

The league tables are starting to take shape and teams are staking claims for the top divisions next term, but anything could happen during the last two games.

We’ll just have to wait and see.

FOOTBALL WEEK 4 Group A

Photo: Riath Al-Samarrai

Momed v Myg Myg Law B v Optometry Cathays FC v Accountancy Economics v Earth Soc

CARBS A 3 - 3 FC REAL Entertainment value 8/10 Carbs A

Group B

James Beattie 7, Paul Anscombe 8, Chris Jones 7, Pete Bramwell 7, Ryan Brignull 9, Anthony Stevens 7, Gareth Wood 9, Matthew Gorbo 7, Andrew Sergeant 7, Dan Norman 6, Mark Ely 7

Carbs A v Irish FC English Soc v Christian Union AFCHistory v FC Real

FC Real

Jomec v Planderlecht Bute Park Utd v Accountington Stanley John Jenkins v Carbs B Mathletico Madrid v Afro-Caribbean Soc

Xpresston North End v Uni Hallstars

Group C

Matthew Stone 8, Hywel Griffith 6, Gareth Evans 7, Adam Perry 7, Martin Evans 8, Johnny Marsh 8, Dave Murray-Jones 7, Mafiuz Miahe 7, Tom Workman 6, Steve Abrahms 9, Ric Thorneycroft 7 Star Man: Gareth Wood: Showed great vision and awareness in midfield. Brignull at right back ran him close for the award.

THREE DRAMATIC second half goals from FC Real forced a draw in this fiery top-of-thetable IMG game.

The pitch was classic IMG, with trough-like midf ield and greasy flanks, but this didn’t stop Carbs from attempting to play a swift passing game early on.

After concerted pressure down the Carbs left it was perhaps surprising that the opening goal came from their right back.

On the edge of the area, Ryan Brignull struck a sweet volley that ricocheted off a Real defender as it flew past the helpless Matthew Stone.

Carbs soon doubled their lead with a scrappy goal that was even-

Group D Law A v Pharm AC The George FC v Athletico Roy Gym Gym v Lokomotiv Engin Chemsoc v Japsoc

CALM AFTER THE STORM: Match was marred by brawl tually poked over the line by captain Chris Jones.

A third goal came on 20 minutes as a Real defender looped a header into his own net.

At 3-0 the game lumbered through to half-time and continued at a pedestrian pace well into the second half.

However, in the 71st minute, and in keeping with the game’s theme of unorthodox goals, a corner from Real’s Johnny Marsh eluded everyone on its way to goal.

Carbs’ nerves were further tested minutes later as a great flowing move culminated in a calm volleyed finish by Gareth Evans.

At 3-2 and with 20 seconds to play, James Beattie in the Carbs

goal brought down Marsh in the area and the game finally erupted.

Players from both sides flew into a 20-man brawl with allegations of cheating and poor time-keeping accompanying the pushes and punches.

The ball was eventually placed on the penalty spot and Steve Abrahms coolly slotted the ball home to level the scores.

After the match the Carbs captain Chris Jones seemed upbeat despite bemoaning the "cheating" of the Real official.

Real clapped themselves off the pitch but were unhappy with "a below par performance against a complacent Carbs team".

NETBALL WEEK 4 Group A Cardiff Uni B v Cardiff Uni C Law B v Optometry A English Soc v Medics

Group B Optometry B v Socsi Cardiff Uni A v Chemsoc Pharmacy A v The Marines

Group C Economics v Carbs B Law A v Gym Gym Sawsa v Pharmacy B

Group D Psychology v Christian Union CPlan v Xpress Radio Carbs A v Comsoc

GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SP

GR SPORT FOLIO

Georgie Reames University Lacrosse Team

By David Williams

NOW IN HER second year, lacrosse player Georgie Reames is one of the most successful sportswomen at the University.

The 19-year-old from Stratfordupon-Avon, who is one of Cardiff ’s

bursary award winners, has represented Wales at under-18, -19 and -21 levels.

"At my secondary school you had to choose between hockey and lacrosse and I was pretty much at the

same standard at both. I thought I’d go for lacrosse which has proved to be pretty good."

Georgie, who studies Spanish and Ancient History, is also one of the central figures of the University team and is confident of a good season.

"We’ve got a team that I’m really hopeful for. This year we’ve got two England players and a couple of Welsh internationals and a lot of county players. It’s just a case of playing together and getting to know each other."

As well as being at the heart of the Lacrosse Club’s notorious Wednesday night celebrations, Georgie is one of the few sportspeople at the University to have competed at a World Cup. "I played for Wales under-18’s a couple of years ago and then for the

under under-19’s in April in America.

The 140 degree temperatures were just unbelievable. Every ten minutes we had to have a water break.

"For me, to be up there with the Americans was quite cool. It was good fun."

Despite playing at the top in her age group, she is still hopeful of going one better and playing at the highest level in her sport.

"I wouldn’t mind playing in the under-21 World Cup in a couple of years, then a senior’s World Cup. I’d like to finish it all off and get to the highest point I possibly can but I’ll be 23 or 24 by then."

Georgie’s progress in a sport which gets little coverage nationally is also owed partially to the bursary award

which she has been given for the last two years.

"It’s really good. I can get free access to the gym and money that goes towards equipment. Every couple of Thursdays we have an evening where we all get together. I’m looking forward to it this year."

It looks as if another of the University’s shining sporting lights could be on her way to the top.

Upcoming gair rhydd interviews will include footie ace Gaz Nettleton. We will also be talking to more of the university’s bursary award winners like Georgie Reames.

So make sure you pick up the next issue to learn more.

“This was really good for the boys’ confidence.”

Steve Hansen p33

Drugs in sport

IMG

The other side to the story as the debate rumbles on p 33

Get up-to-date with the finest league in the world p 35

1 November 2003 - Issue 748

WAR ZONE COME AND ‘AV A GO: Menacing Martin Evans shows the IMG charm

By Riath Al-Samarrai Sports Editor

By James Cole CARDIFF UNIVERSITY 6 SWANSEA INSTITUTE 3 THE UNIVERSITY’S FIRST XV stuttered their way to victory over Swansea Institute last Wednesday.

An injury-weakened Cardiff side were disappointing and, at times, woeful.

Despite dominating both possession and territory, Cardiff took the match by the narrowest of margins, winning 6-3.

It was a performance the team will want to forget fast.

The first period saw Cardiff camped

CELEBRATING THEIR EMPHATIC three goal comeback to halt Carbs A’s charge through the division, FC Real’s Martin Evans sends this provocative gesture to the big-hitters from the Business School.

In a match that bound together the awesome and unsavoury elements of the beautiful game in its rawest form, viewers at the modest, often viciously hostile home to IMG football will have been wildly entertained.

Contentious penalty decisions, royal rumble style brawls, flailing elbows and scrappy goals are what make the league unique, generously replenishing what the game lacks in finesse, nets and, arguably, skill.

But the IMG is back.

Accompanying the swirling winds and horizontal hail will be another exciting season, where the gentlemen masquerading as the future of this country can legally return to their primitive best, slaughtering the sporting ethics that stand in the way of a good game.

Jumpers for goalposts.

in Swansea’s half but they were unable to convert the pressure into points.

The away side committed far too many handling errors and lacked clinical finishing in their opponents twenty-two.

That said, Swansea’s forwards dug in, disrupted the tackle area and prevented the quick ball.

The longer the visitors failed to score, the more resilient the home side’s efforts became.

Rather than dispelling Swansea’s confidence early on, Cardiff instilled it. The teams went into half-time with the score at 0-0.

The resilience shown by Institute in the second half was commendable, and despite having a man sent off early on they remained defiant.

Again, a multitude of handling errors stalled Cardiff’s efforts as they struggled to make their man advantage count.

They rarely looked like penetrating behind and even when they did they failed to finish.

After a period of sustained pressure Cardiff won a penalty in front of the Swansea posts and with time running out scrum half Rob Lawson duly kicked the three points.

Once again, however, the hosts fought back, winning a penalty and levelling the score at 3-3.

Another Lawson kick was to give Cardiff the win, but not before hearts were in mouths as a last gasp Swansea drop-goal fell only inches short.

email grsport@cf.ac.uk

BURSARIES TO BE ANNOUNCEBy Riath Al-Samarrai Sports Editor CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’S sporting superstars are being recognised later this week with the awarding of this season’s Sports Bursaries.

The scheme, now in its seventh year, was set up by the Sports Council to reward the university’s elite sport stars.

A.U. President Tom Brown, a beneficiary of the project for the last two years and now on the selection panel said: "Year on year the scheme is a great success at recognising and supporting Cardiff University’s elite performers.

"The applicants interviewed this year were of a higher quality than ever before and they are a credit to the A.U. and the university.”

This year there are many sports represented on the bursary scheme, including athletics, rowing, triathlon, judo, and golf.

Both Natalie Lewis and James Nasrat have represented the UK in their respective 1500m and 400m disciplines, whilst another recipient, Katherine Lenagan, has been capped 25 times by Wales and appeared in the last three Six Nations rugby championships.

However, applications for the awards have been limited.

“One thing that struck me about this bursary scheme was how little funding it has, considering the number of top level sports people that study here.

Understandably the bursary scheme can only accept applicants from Sports recognised by the Sports Council so as to not dilute the limited finance that it has to offer.” Brown added.

The recipients of this year’s awards will be decided next Thursday in the SDU office on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

Cardiff Uni drive their way to another victory against the Jacks

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