Did Katie Holmes Have a Secret Entrance to Whole Foods in Chelsea?

You can depend on CONNER DIAL to deliver insight, intrigue, and GOSSIP with his weekly aha. Take, for one, this seminal speculative story: DID KATIE FOODS IN CHELSEA? The piece, a cult classic from the high and holy home of all things scuttlebutt — Old Gawker, obviously — manages to be both critic of and gleeful participant in the raging media gossip machine of the mid-aughts. Haven’t you seen the swarms of cameramen who regularly attached to starlet’s cars around Nobu in 2009? Come on. We know you did. We all watched at least two Free Britney docs this year.

Consider the paparazzi a young star’s Scylla, a multi-headed monster that made up the early2000s celebrity coverage complex. In our metaphor, Katie Holmes is our rugged Odysseus, except the heads of the creature she’s battling are named TMZ, Us Weekly, and the Daily Mail. And her Charybdis is Whole Foods. It’s a rock and a hard place, if the rock also offered garden-fresh avocados from Monterey.

The only outlet brave enough to chronicle Katie’s treacherous journey to procure a little cashew milk for her morning macchiato, while also somehow kind of being one of the monsters at sea? Gawker, obviously. Enter DID KATIE HOLMES HAVE A SECRET ENTRANCE TO WHOLE FOODS IN CHELSEA? (DKHHASETWFIC): an obsessive, demi-deranged deep dive into the Scientology escapee’s mysterious appearances in and out of her grocery store of choice. Deploying blind items and consulting engineering blueprints, spinning off wild conspiracies and concocting crazed conjectures, the story serves as evidence that no creative rabbit hole is too deep, especially if you’re completely committed as you make the journey down. You may even arrive at a security door that opens to all of your answers.