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Useful for health, with vitamins, no sugar and very tasty

tABle OF CONTENT

Introduction

The Search

New Love

Before The Vows

You Stink!

Make Time for Intimacy

The Daily Grind

Mental Health

You Canâ€™t Go 50/50

Ever After

Introduction Well, hello there. You’rereadingthis book because you are about to get married, you want to get married, or you just have a salacious need to know the things that people don’t normally tell youabout marriage. In anycase, congrats for being open to expanding yourknowledge. The ﬁrstthing you need to know is, no matter what anyone tells you about their marriage, it won’t prepare you for your own. But it can brace you for at least some of what you may come to experience. I have been married twice. Myﬁrst marriagelastedfor over a decade, and mylast marriage lasted for just over one year. Yes, they both ended in divorce. As you likely alreadyknow, these days, many marriages do. There is some very good research statingthe rate atwhich people marry has begun to decline. Afteryou hear all the horror stories from divorcees, I think that is completely understandable. I will also be transparent and say that, while I do not have a religious foothold in thepursuit of marriage, I am a believer in the union of marriage. I

think it’s important to give you that assurance before you begin reading about marriage advice from a two-time divorcee. I didn’t always believe in it, and I even swore offthe idea of marriage for some time. However, I think it’s because I had all the wrong notions about marriage. I also want to assert that when I am speaking about marriage, I am speaking about all kinds of marriages, includingsame-sex marriage, common-law marriage, traditional marriage, and those whomay have only done a commitment ceremony. I consider marriage to be whatever way you have deemed your coming together ofﬁcial, or that you are committed toyour togetherness. Duringmy time as a life coach,I often found that many people came to me for advice in only one area of their lives. They began their sessions wanting to advance their career or starta business, or maybe even because they were struggling withgrief. However, regardless of the issue they came to me about, they always came around to mentioning their lovers or mates. You see, during the time that I was coaching, I was so newly divorced that I wouldn’t promote myself as a couples coach, and I am not sure that I ever would. However, when people get into a safe place and feel they have the ability to be authentic, and that they will be heard without judgment,they tend to want to speak about the most intimate partnerships they have.I believe this is because we weave our romanticrelationships into every fabric of what we do. Our intrinsic nature to be two is so strong that even when we may attempt to focus on other aspects of our lives, we still desire to see where a romantic relationshipﬁts in. My sincere hope is that you are reading this because you want to marry someone who is just as eager to learn about life and love as you are. I pray it’s for all the right reasons. I hope this book compels you to dig a little deeper into the conceptof marriage itself, and not just thewedding or the idea of being married. If you aren’t already married,then after reading this book, maybe you will be able tosay those vows more lovingly, and with a heightened awareness of what’s to come.

Chapter 1

The Search

The search for a partner can be a long one for some. I mean, let’s be honest:We grew up watching TVshows andmovies, and reading stories whichtypically feature a couple. We also came from our parents, who gave ustheir particular slant on marriage as well. We start to innately cultivate this desire for companionship. These thoughts begin early on, even in childhood, when we think about things like what to name our children or what kind of household we will have. As we look at ﬁctional relationships and real-life relationships (or lack thereof) that are close to us,we begin subconsciously picking and choosing what we want for ourselves in a relationship. If you grewup with a single mother (like I did),you may havetold yourself:“I’m not doing it alone. I want to have a ‘nuclear’ family. I didn’t have a father, so I want my children tohave their father.”

The search for our mate begins so much earlier than we are consciously aware of. I remember my son saying at eight years old,“Mom, you always have to cook.When I grow up, I’m going to help cook, too.” You see, he was already formulating how his married life would be, based on his own observations. We all do this. The only problem is, as we formulate these thoughts and plans, we don’t even consider thethoughts and plans that our future spouse will have formulated. We meet someone, and we all have asecret agenda that we are working to achieve. Sometimes, this agenda is secret even to ourselves. We very rarely voice it. Then, the search is on for us to ﬁnd the person we want to pursue that agenda with, and we can only pray they will want the same thing. However, this process is different now. It has evolved so quickly over the last thirty years. We went from meeting our spouses at parks, picnics, and churches to clubs, college, or mutual friends.And now, we ﬁnd them on our phone as we scroll and swipe. The ways we search for a partner have changed, but the way we formulate what we want?Not so much. There are some of us who deny that we are actively searching. This

assertion may be true;however, we all wouldn’t mind a little extra ray of sunshine inour lives. At the same time, you have to be content on your own and with the time you have to yourself, as well. While you are searching for a partner, you definitely want to become secure and defined in who you are. You must become what you wish to attract, but also be open to others whowill expand your world. While this isn’t a book about being single, let’s spend a few more moments on the subject. Whether you are actively searching for a partner or not, do your best to hone in on what you desire out of life. Be sure that you are exploring different avenues that bring you joy. I also encourage going it alone while single. If you’d like to see a movie, go to a concert, or try a new restaurant, don’t be afraid to explore those things solo. This practice works on several areas of your life:You begin to learn to explore on your own and create a less co-dependent version of yourself;you will be less inclined to people-please to ensure you have company; andwhen you do get married and you have the pleasure of enjoying your spouse’scompany, it will deepen your appreciation of sharing those specialmoments. Lastly, you must understand that getting married does not give you an automatic plus-one to all the things you enjoy doing. You must have a sense of individuality and unity within a marriage. The trick is finding and respecting this, and it can be as delicate as papier-mâché. But remember: A better individual will create a better couple.

TOP 5 WAYS TO ENJOY THE SEARCH PHASE 1. Go to the movies alone. 2. Go out to eat alone. If you are feeling shy about asking for a table for one,you can sit at the bar instead. 3. Write a list of the qualities you’d like in your mate. Be sure not to include looks in any way. 4. Now, attempt to adapt the qualities you wrote on yourlist for yourself. 5. Volunteer your time in some form of service at least once a year.

Chapter 2

New Love

ou may meet someone, oryou may decide to date an old acquaintance. Regardless of how it happens, there will bethis moment when you roll the possibilities of this new love around in your mind. Not all of us may share the fact that we do this, but we all do it. It may not be an in-depth thought, like naming your children, but no matter what gender or age weare, we ponder what a life with those who have tugged our heart strings may look like. A sad truth that no one tells you is that this new love will feel nothing like a marriage. For most of us, theinfatuation phase does end. As love develops, you will move from looking at your lover all dreamy-eyed and blushing to developing an unclouded,true look at your lover instead. To me, this is where “true love” begins. If you are level-headed, you will realizethe “honeymoon stage” is simply the

rush of hormones taking over. I recommend that you relish them, but you must also be realistic about what they are. You need to know that, once this initial phase leaves,apower struggle will ensue. Marriage is more intuitive than we know. We meet a person, and we know that this lovely being is going to in our lives for quite some time. Wehave a connection with them beyond certain factors, such as age, race, or cultural background. The ability to connect on a spiritual or intangible level makes way for that eyebrow to raise and for us to ask ourselves,“Could this be the one?” When we are our searching for “the one”, we have immediate fantasies. However, it isn’t any secret that for most people, these hopes are dashed quickly. You maymeet your potential partner andhave a nice conversation or two, but for whatever reason, it just doesn’t move any further. You mayalso have those budding relationships that mayhave a little more promise. These will last about three months to a year. At this point, you’ve spent a substantial amount of time together, and you may be intimate with each other. However, when the infatuation wearsoff, you discover that you aren’t quite each other’s cup of tea. Some of us choose to marry quickly.

Both of my spouses had mentioned getting married early on. We had conversations about marriage even in the courting phase. In fact, my second husband asked me to marry himon the day we met. I was on vacation in New Orleans, and I wasin the French Quarter, minding myown business, taking in the sights. Amongtheamazing architecture and an array of different cultures, a man grabbedmy hand. He sang me a popular song by thegroup Jagged Edge called “Let’s Get Married”. We spoke for another five minutes; he gave me hisshort life story,andI listened. I was about to walk away, and he said, “I need your number.” That night, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes. A short while after that, we were married. I think we were both kind of just honoring theagreement we made that first night, not really looking into the depth of our decision. It wouldn’t have been fun if we didn’t go through with it, right? I don’t recommend such quick proposals. In my case, an improper foundation and a lack of information during courtship caused the marriage to come crashing down. TOP5 SUGGESTIONS FOR NEW LOVE 1. Keep your eyes open:The traits and behaviors of your new partner will bedifficult to change, so make sure what you like about them is strong enough to overcome what you don’t. 2. Keep an open mind: Yourperfect mate may not look likeyou’ve alwaysimagined they would. 3. Try new things: Allow yourself to explore someone else’s world. Some of the keys to a good marriage are compromise and sharing. 4. Avoid relationship status issues: To steer clear of the “what are we to each other?” argument, state your goals and intentions clearly early on in the relationship, and check in with each other every three to six months to make sure you are both on the same page. 5. Try your best not to make any babies! It changes all the rules.

Chapter 3

Before The Vows

Every couple who hasmade the leap into marriage have had at least the bare minimum discussion of what their lives would look like together. You may still be inthefantasy stage of white picket fences and dinners at six, but you will need to have this conversations regardless. This is because the inexplicable connection that has brought you two together must be honored. In reality, there are over seven billion people on this planet, and this person wants to explore life together with you forever. That’spretty damn special, if you ask me. It’s the sole reason I cry like a baby at weddings. The sheer beauty ofthe couple’s intentions on that day humbles and moves me at the same time. The experts will say that you shouldpull credit reports, share ﬁnances, and put everything out on the table prior to marriage. I think this isfabulous advice, but it’s not romantic, so most couples don’t do it. We all make our own assessments, ask general questions, and honor the answers we are given as factual. I’ve dated, and have had friends who have dated, and I’ve yet to hear someone start a conversation with, “So,we looked at each other’s credit reports last night…”

Almost all of us do it after marriage, and even if we did it before,at that point, we would still be so in love that it wouldn’t matter. Your love interest mayhave debt orother ﬁnancial concerns, butyou would swear that your love canconquer it all. This is apowerful stage in a relationship,whenyou feel invincibleagainst any outside inﬂuence.

The Blow-Up The anxiety of an impending marriage and planning a wedding can put stress on even the most stableengagement. Therefore, many, if not all couples experience a big blow-up argument prior to the marriage. In my ﬁrst marriage,thiswas a major blow-up. I am not quite sure what it was about, but the argument escalated to a level where we were not speaking for almost two weeks. We were living together and already had a son. To be honest, we were likely not even arguing about anything serious, but smack-dab before the wedding, the infatuation stage had ended, and the power struggle had begun. I was so very young at the time that I didn’t know this is what was happening. However, we had our different viewpoints,and it had reached a stalemate. Of course, we resolved whatever the concern was in time to be married, but I have since learned that this blow-up happens to many couples prior to marriage. I want to assure you that a blow-up prior to marriage does not mean that yourmarriage won’t last. My husband and Iwent on to spend over a decade with each other—with more blow-ups to come, of course, but we made it quite far into the future.

The Questions When you make a decision as lifechanging as getting married, it’s reasonable to question yourchoice. I know coupleswhohave been so compatible and so in love, yet they still question whether itwill last. These questions likely stem from past relationships not working out, or personal insecurities. I want to assure you that this is completely natural. A good idea is to take a moment and write down some of your concerns,thenad-

dress them with your partner in a safe space. You may want to write down two versions of your life—a life with your partner, and a life without them—so that you can clearly see the value they bring to your life. If you focus on the positives, they will assist withquenching youranxiety. Sometimes, it isn’t just we who have the questions. There will be well-meaning friends and family who may alsoquestion your decision. These may be unassuming questions, such as “Are you ready for this?” and“Are you sure this is someoneyou can be with for life?” Although it is nice that they want toassist you withprocessing your decision, please remember that this choice is yours. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for whom you are going to marry. The list of those you don’t owe an answer to include parents, extended family, and friends. You have likely already spoken to and consulted with those closest to you. Keep in mind that those who arethe last to know are likely those who should have the least input in your decision. At the same time, be sensitive to those around you. We often marry people whoare a departure from the personourfamily and friends imagined we would be with. When this happens,you can keep it very cliché and say,“When you know, you know.” If the probing continues, hit them with a more honest“You may not understand, but I would appreciate your support.” TOP 5 THINGS TO DO BEFORE THE VOWS 1. Don’t overthink the small details of the wedding. If you have large decisions to make,try to compromise, and be sure to honor each other’s wishes when things really mean a lot to you. You can even ﬂip a coin to keep things fair. 2. I strongly suggest pre-marital therapy of any kind that will suit both of you.If you eachprefer different methods, then do both. 3. Enjoy your individual lifestyle and soak up your individuality during the last moments before your union is solidiﬁed. 4. Don’t justify your decision to marry your partner to others. 5. Get nice rings, but don’t break the bank. You will be able to upgrade in the future if you want to.

Chapter 4

You Stink!

One of the biggest surprises and irritations of married life will be the odors and smells that come from the human body. When you are dating, you often see someone only for a date or possibly even just a weekend. This schedule makes it easy to remain constantly fresh, because your time together is planned in advance. I can remember a distinct situation whenmy spouse worked a very psychically challenging job. We were married, and his hard work supported our entire family. He had an extremely grueling day of work;I could see the stress of the day on his face. I could also smell the stress of the day—from his feet to his head! He laid down on our freshly-made bed. I wasn’t very eloquent at all. I blurted out,“Are you taking a shower?” He looked at me as if I didn’t realize he had worked

twelve hard hours. He obliged, and he did take a shower, but that day is still vivid in my mind. I had no idea a person could acquire that much funk in one day. One of my very favorite cousins has been married for over twenty years as of thewriting of this book. She absolutely loves onions and loads them up on salads, burgers, and wherever else she can. She and her husband began to getintimate oneevening after she’d had an onion binge. As her spouse was kissing her, the onion smellbegan to come out of her pores as she began to breathe heavily and sweat! Due to the fact that they had been married severalyears already, he simply pulled back and not so lovingly said,“Can you lay off the onions?”They both erupted in laughter. When you are constantly intimate with a person for years on end,these situations will occur. Let me tell you, it doesn’t matter how in love you are;these smells can still be off-putting. You may have a partnerwhois a gym enthusiast, a hunter, or a ﬁsherman. All these pastimes can create a unique odor. Other habits such as smoking can also cause certain smells. You need to keep this in mind.Be prepared. I recommend having an open dialogue with your spouse. If you go into a marriage knowing that your bodies are going to get a little funky here and there,that is a good thing. I don’t recommend being as harsh as I was. Instead, you can encourage them with a simple statement such as “I think you may want to brush your teeth again” or “It seems you are a bit sweaty; were you considering jumping in the shower?” If you are feeling frisky, you can jump in with them!

I once read about a couple who werevery considerate of one another. They slept with small bathroom cups ﬁlled with mouthwash and water next to their beds. This way, before their morning kiss, they could rinse and spit, so as to not offend eachother with their morning breath. It is quite noble if you are this considerate to your spouse, but trust me, it is not always possible. It can even be a fun, holistic thing you cando together. I’ve heard of couples that use liquid chlorophyll to cut down on their body odor. It even helps eliminate odor from their bowel movements. I also know many couples who keep a toilet potpourri near their toilet, so they don’t have to smell any bathroom odors. If you are a person who is easily put off by smells,I recommend you get your tools ready,so you won’t have to contend with them. If you are in a long-term relationship, you will have to deal with a few unpleasantries. You may be embarrassed when it’s you who smells, and you may be agitated when it’s your partner. The key is to stay humble and don’t allow a little stink to overcome a lot of love!

TOP 5 WAYS TO OVERCOME STINKY MOMENTS 1. Be considerate of your mate;your hygiene affects their day. 2. Realize that there will come a time whenyou stink, too—be humble! 3. Be open to exploring solutions together and try not to take it personally. 4. Be kind aboutany observations you make.This can be a sensitive subject, and even being harsh in a humorous way can hurt your spouse. 5. Choose appropriate moments to address your concerns. Don’t do it in public or when you are around others,only when you are alone with your spouse.

Chapter 5

Make Time for Intimacy

The whole point of marriage is to have a blissful and healthy exchange of sex and intimacy. What nobody tells you are all the things involved in maintaining this exchange. The factors that getin the way of your sex lifewill change over the duration of yourmarriage. A surreal realization for my husband came as I was standing in the kitchen. I was making dinner and had a baby on my hip. It had likely been one week since we had last been intimate, and there I was, busy as ever. The weariness was likely already on my face, and I guess he could see my exhaustion already. This likely meant I wouldbe too tired to attend to the marital bed. He saidin an outburst,â€œI would have never married someone with three kids!â€? I busted out laughing! The kids were his! It was a stark realization of how children had affected our level of intimacy and interaction with one another. There are many people who dream of having a spouse and two children, but you must be

realistic; children will alter the state of your relationship, and you must be ready for that adjustment. There are also times throughout the span of a marriage whencouples may work opposite shifts. I can remember passing my husband in the night as I worked a general nine-to-ﬁve and he worked eleven-to-seven. As you can imagine, it made being together a challenge. When you are solid in your foundation of self, you are good on your own, and you may revel in“quality” time over“quantity” time in these situations. My suggestion is that when varying schedules or new additions to the family adjust the time you spend together, this is when you can dig in make what little time you have together reallyspecial. A special date doesn’t have to cost a lot.It can be done after the kids go to sleep for the evening. You can makepopcorn, light candles, talk, and watch a movie or simply your favorite TV show. My personal favorite is having a lunch date! It is a nice mid-day pick-me-up, and lunch is less expensive than dinner. If you can meet your spouse for lunch once a month,it’s a great way to connect with each other. As in so many marriages where one is a saver and one is a spender,thereareoften two partners whohave different sex drives. We can all agree that if wehave taken the step to marry a person, wehave planned on making love with them for some time to come. But when your spouse is feeling amorous, and you aren’t

quite “in the mood”,there are a few things you can do. One, you can grin and bear it, and pray you get caught up in the moment. Two, you can just flat-out turn down themoment of passion altogether. However, I like the thirdoption:Ask your spouse to give you a few moments, in a sexy way. Take the time alone to take a shower or a bath and luxuriate to just put yourself in a relaxing space and get ready to be fully present for your spouse. When there is a lull in the bedroom, itis so important to not overreact. In this day andage, with so many avenues to step outside of a marriage for intimacy, assuming the worstcan be an easy reach. However, almost all marriages go through various highs and lows of intimacy. You may find that your emotional intimacy is rising, while yourphysical intimacy is falling flat. I urge you to pay attention to the ebbs and flows of you and your spouse’svarying levels of intimacy in all aspects of the marriage: Physical, emotional, spiritual, and even financial. When your spouse is working double-time to make sure you can pay off bills or save for a new home, theremay be a decline in another area of intimacy as a consequence. I urge you to have a healthy dialogue with your spouse about sex. You can be open to describingyour fantasies, what you’d be willing to explore, and things that are off-limits for you. In a lifelong marriage,discussing and exploring these things should not be off the table. TOP5 WAYS TO MAKE TIME FOR INTIMACY 1. Take stock of theimpacts that outside interferenceswill haveonyour intimacy. These may be factors such as kids, moving in with family to save money,andother things. 2. When things get hectic, focus on “quality” time, not “quantity” time. 3. Be creative about how you spend“quality” time with your spouse. 4. Do not just focus on the sexual side of intimacy.Explore other ways to connect. 5. Talk about sex with your spouse—even if you blush or get uncomfortable!

Chapter 6

The Daily Grind

Let’s be honest. The thrill of getting to know someone can be exciting as you begin to peel back the layers of a new, unique, and intriguing person in your life. However, when that novelty wears off, and you begin to hear recycled stories that you already know the ending to, you get into the daily grind. Predictability can be a sense of security, but to be honest, it can also get boring. In my marriage, I could have set my watch to the call I would get from my husband, asking me,“What’s for dinner?” I wanted to pull my damn hair out! This question drove me insane!I don’t know why I ﬁxated on it, but Idid. It was only in hindsight, years after my divorce, that I realized even though it pissed me off, “What are we eating?” is a necessary question. I mean, families eat. However, itwasn’t the question itself that bothered me; it was that it felt like a directive. Instead of “What should I look forward to eating tonight?”, I heard “Get your ass in the kitchen and cook!” It was a simple misinterpretation. Be careful not to

misinterpret your spouse’s intentions like I did. In hindsight, I realized that weare always able to get clarity in these situations. For example, I could have asked, “Doesthatmean you want me to cook tonight, orjust that you want me to come up with some good ideas for what to eat?” In the daily grind, it becomes easier and easier to assume what your spouse is going to say, or what they mean when they say something. However, do your level best to steer clear of this. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married for ﬁveminutes or ﬁfty years. Get clarity and don’tassume. It easier to ask questionsthan it is togetupset about a miscommunication.

Keeping Up with the Joneses We’ve all heard the saying “keeping up with the Joneses”. But guess what? At the beginning of your relationship, youare “the Joneses”! When you are the Joneses, things are a little humdrum. You’ve solidiﬁed Meatless Monday and Taco Tuesday. The kids have gymnastics on Thursday. Your week is in such a rhythm, you set it to a beat. This is when you must dig deep into that extra effort. Don’t wait on your spouse to make the ﬁrst move; do it yourself. If you can remember a time whenyou were wishing your phone would ring and it would be your mate, now is the time to recapture that. Do you remember early on in the relationship, when you would get ready for a date with your partner, picking out what to wear and putting on a splash of your signature fragrance? Now is the time tosummon that same energy to shake up the daily grind. There is comfort in predictability, but don’t let it becomethe death of your marriage. I’ve heard of couples whotake turns makinganniversary plans. You can even have a standing Saturday date night once a month, and alternate who plans it. This will allow each of you equal time to relax while the other takes care of all the arrangements.

Thereâ€™s An Appfor That In this day and age,when everyone has their cellphone with them at all times, life has become a bit more complex. This new device adds layers to relationships that we never had to content with a decade ago. We have work, social media, dating sites, and various apps giving us constant notiďŹ cations. One of these appsmay even be the way you met your spouse. Sometimes,you or your partner will haveworke-mail that comes right to their phone. If you are a diligent employee with a family to support, you willwant to be deemed reliable and quick to respond. Many of us even send quick responses to clients at the dinner table. However, we must monitor how we choose to conduct our business and realize that it is seen as respectable and responsible to our employers when we set boundaries.

The other harmful thing that these wonderful handheld devices can do is heighten your paranoia,especially if you are going through a strained time inyour relationship. You may be feeling unloved or suspicious of your partner, and as soon as you sign in, you might see a “catch them cheating” post from someone you know. You may consider ending your relationship and come across something on someone’s feed that says “let it go”. These are just apps, and more oftenthan not, they can putour emotions inan unhealthy space without us noticing, if we do not monitor our thoughts closely enough. “Electronic infidelity” or “electronic interest” being piqued is very real. An airbrushed picture with a perfect caption by an old high-school flame mayseem very tempting. In the midst of a fight or a tough time, we have so many ways we can reach out to the wrong people for advice or comfort. My advice to you is, simply: DON’T. Thatairbrushed fantasy will most likely be just as much work as your current marriage. The infatuation stage will eventually lead you to the hard work of keeping any relationship alive. Just keep scrolling and know that therelationship you chose to commit to isn’t worth compromising for something that is likely false. I urge you not to take comments andlikes too seriously on social media. If you see your spouse like or comment on someone’s status or photo, but you don’t have any other concerns in the relationship, then don’t make it a big deal. These apps are built for interaction and entertainment,soallow that to occur without causing a rift in your marriage. TOP5 TIPS TO BEAT THE DAILY GRIND 1. Look at your routine as a blessing. 2. Don’t lean on your mate for every date. Share in the planning of “quality” time. 3. Keep your mental health and the mental health of your spouse in mind throughoutthe lifetime of your marriage. 4. Explore ways to share your connection with your spouse. 5. Keep the same energy you had in the beginning, even if the expression of thisenergy may change.

Chapter 7

Mental Health

ccording to the National Institute on Mental Health, one in four adults have mental health concerns. An even higher number will experience anxiety or depression due to circumstances that occur in their life. Thisreal concern can factor into your daily grind. Mental health is an aspect within marriage that is often left unexplored. It’s a factor that many don’t even imagine they will have to contend with. But sometimes, things happen that don’ttrigger your spouse’s mental illness until after marriage. You hear it all the time: “I don’t know my spouse anymore after the baby.” Postpartum depression, or “baby blues” may last for a couple of years, and only those with true commitment to their marriage can see it through.

When I had my children, I was either pregnant or nursing for three years straight. The emotional and hormonal roller coaster I was on was a scary one. I wasn’t down, but I was irritable and short-tempered. This is a bad combination in any situation, especially a marriage. I can remember my spouse at the time saying,“Will she ever be back to her normal self?” I can also remember my husband having a great deal ofanxiety when he was in large groups. I, on the other hand, didn’t mind large or small groups. I’dnever had a real bout with anxiety and didn’t quite know what that meant. However, I love brunch, and Sunday brunch tends to be crowded. My spouse pushed through his anxiety to have brunch with me. It turned out that this act began to lessenhis anxiety in crowds (“immersion brunch therapy”, if you will). Shortly after that, I did a sky-walking challenge in which Iwalked on a tight rope in the sky, and I, too,felt the raw symptoms of anxiety. It ﬁlledme withtremendous gratitude formy spouse for pushing through those feelings to have brunch with me.

When we don’t have an idea of what something feels like, we tend to be dismissive of it. If we can honor our mate’s emotional and mental state, even when we can’t imagine it,this will push us forward in a healthy way. I wish I could say I was this sensitive and caring all those years ago, but I wasn’t. Be open to having conversations about mental health. The most common mental disorders are generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder,and bipolar disorder. At the same time, avoid attributing a few erratic behaviorsto a mental disorder. If your spouse gets upset, and then the next day,they’reover it and happy, you mustn’t throw around labels like “bipolar”. However, if you see continued concerns and a strong pattern of behavior,you need to seek professional medical help to explore the possibilities. A mental health concern isn’t a death sentence fora marriage. However,many people make it into one, thanks to the stigma of mental disorders and their inability to explore these issuesopenly. If your marriage is still a safe space to be as you navigate mental healthissues, then pleasegive your spouse yourunderstanding instead of your judgment in this area.

TOP 5 MENTAL HEALTH DOS AND DON’TS 1. Don’t overthink the small details of the wedding. If you have large decisions to make,try to compromise, and be sure to honor each other’s wishes when things really mean a lot to you. You can even ﬂip a coin to keep things fair. 2. I strongly suggest pre-marital therapy of any kind that will suit both of you.If you eachprefer different methods, then do both. 3. Enjoy your individual lifestyle and soak up your individuality during the last moments before your union is solidiﬁed. 4. Don’t justify your decision to marry your partner to others. 5. Get nice rings, but don’t break the bank. You will be able to upgrade in the future if you want to.

Chapter 8

You Can’t Go 50/50

Some say that the only time you can go 50/50 in a marriage is when you both agree to divorce. Essentially, what this means is, youand your spouse may have varying degrees of input in the marriage. These areas of input may also be different. For example, your spousemaybe an accountant,and even though you stillneed to be involved in the family ﬁnances, this may be an 80/20 setup. There are also the decorative needs of a home, and either you or your spousemay have more of a designer’s eye. The fact is, all thingsare not created equal in a marriage. A marriage is a partnership, but it isn’t 50/50 in every aspect, all the time. I can remember times when my tank was empty, and I didn’t have an ounce left to give in a marriage. That is whenmy husband would take initiative and plan something toreignite our joy. This is key;when you see your partner struggling, sometimes you haveto step up. Of course, this is only when you both aren’t stuckin a rut at the same time. If you are, seek marital assistance.

The BigC No. Not cancer. However, most couples say, “Fuck counseling”, too. I strongly advise you to be open to therapy, counseling, couples coaching, or even tantric coaching. These practices can be used to tune up your relationship, or even to enhance a relationship that’s already great. So many of us have an aversion to counseling, coaching, or therapy. Many of us see seeking therapy as a weakness.To the contrary, it is a strength. A small voice inside us says,“IfI need this, something must be wrong with me.” It is my assertion that there is only something wrong if youdon’tneed it at some point. Life constantly throws new challenges at us, and if we are always going it alone, we are bound to either fail or take even longer to achieve our goals. It is a myth that you have to reopen your deepest wounds in therapy. The truth is, you can use it situationally and as needed.

Please understand that all counselors are not created equal. When you are having a strenuous time in your marriage orrelationship, be sure to seek referrals based on your needs and conductan assessment of the practitioner duringyour first visit to ensure a good fit. I’ve seen couples sit down for a year with the wrong therapist and come out worse than they were before. It can be difficult to tell a professional, “You aren’t the one for me,” but if it’s the truth, then you must. Your family depends on your heartfelt desire to choose who is best to help mendyour union. Please also take into account that the best therapist may not look like you. I remember shying away from a therapist whowas my complete opposite both culturally and in age. However, this man

came to teach us so much more than we’d ever hoped for. Duringour past ventures into therapy, we had always chosen someone closer to our cultural background. I am certain they were amazing, but when you are trying to get out of a rut, sometimes you need to reach past what is familiar. I do not have any religious preference to encourage for your lifestyle. I think it is a wonderful aspect of life to be deeply connected to your spirituality, andthe way that you and your family create these important ties is obviously up to you. However, when learning new skills in a relationship, it is important to have an open mind. I personally don’t recommend that you participate in faith-based counseling exclusively. Should you include it?Of course. However, at times, a faith-based setting can make it difﬁcult to talk about the more explicit side of your marriage. In some instances,this side willneed to be explored. Also,if you are a person whose faith is already dear to them, then you don’t necessarily need help holding onto your faith so much as you need to learn how to work on your marriage while staying true to your faith. The ability to navigate a relationship that will not be equal in any area at any time can make things difﬁcult. Duringthese times, you can certainly lean on the love you have for each other, but also consider seeking out additional support.

TOP 5 REASONS YOU CAN’T GO 50/50 1. Your partner may have strengths that you don’t. 2. Sometimes, you must use your strengths to compensate foryour partner’s weaknesses. 3. You may become overburdened by utilizing your strengths. If this takes a toll on you, seek support from a professional. 4. Even when everything is going right, you can still beneﬁt from seeking out additional resources and support to ensure things stay that way. 5. Always remember that things being unequal isnatural in partnerships.

Chapter 9

Ever After

Your marriageis as unique as your fingerprint. There is not a marital book, article, or manual out there that will tell you how your marriage will go. You will hear stories of couples whowent through affairs, death, disaster, and financial ruin; yet, they survived. You will also hear about marriages in which everything seemed to be going well, and the couplejust grew apart. This gap in success ought to tell you there isn’t a recipe on marriage. My best advice is toget the bills paid on time, as it causes stress when they aren’t. And, although I’ve seen some marriages tough it out and come back better than they were before, my personal advice is, don’t cheat on your spouse. If all else fails, keep laughing. It’s hard to be upset with each other when you are having fun together. If you can,take your spouse to local comedy clubs, watch comedy films, or even take part in an improv night. Life can put you through the ringer; balance it with laughter.

I will always hold gratitude in my heart for the men whomarried me. I am outspoken, bossy, and a brat. I don’t like to get my way;I love to get my way. The men who would attach themselves to a lifetime of that must be commended for it. Now that I have I highlighted some of my many faults, I ask you take stock of yours, as well. When you are looking at the list of things you can improveupon, feel gratitude for your mate for coming along for the ride. I would not be the person I am today without my journeys into marriage.

TOP 5 TIPS TO LAST EVER AFTER 1. Pay the bills!Money problems can bring stress into a marriage. 2. Don’t cheat!This should be obvious.It’s never a good idea. 3. Keep your vows close to your heart. When you need to remember why you have chosen to be together, feel free to re-read your vows to each other. 4. Laugh by any means necessary! Humor is good for the soul and your union. 5. Remember to feel gratitude for your spouse for accompanying you on yourjourney throughlife.