Best Behavior

To Brie, or not to Brie

Expert etiquette advice from John Bridges

HOT DISH

My mother lives two states away. My cousin’s wife (whom I do not particularly care for) lives close to her. She recently called my mother and said she’d bought a gift for me at an auction. My mom thanked her and told her to drop it o at her house and I would get it whenever I visited next. She went to my mom’s, gave her a used fondue pot, and told her, “I only paid $22 for it. You can pay me back.” Being equally polite and appalled, my mom gave her cash. e cousin’s wife said she has heard us talk about doing fondue, so that’s the reason she bought it. Everyone civilized has made fondue at home once and everybody agreed it was too much trouble; so she would never have heard any of us talking about fondue. e second I saw the thing, it went straight into the trash. Since my mom paid her for the “gift,” am I obligated to send a thank you note? — Anonymous, Hillwood

The cousin-in-law brought you a leftover fondue pot, and your mother paid her ready cash for the thing. Why, possibly, would you think of writing a note, and what would you say? (Words escape me, just now.) Even appearing — or pretending — to be grateful sometimes only encourages odd behavior, and this is odd behavior indeed. The pot is a flash — make that a splash — from the past. A closet is where it’s been hiding since 1985; the trash is where it belongs now. But here’s another idea: Tell your mother to rifle through the recycling bin, right away. The next time you’re visiting your mom, light up a can of Sterno, invite the family over, and let them dip in. That will make the depth of your gratitude clear, I bet.

SHAKY SITUATION

I’m having friends for anksgiving dinner this year for the rst time in a long time. I’m doing all the cooking myself, so I asked everybody else to bring the wine. But I forgot, I guess, that one of the crowd considers herself a major cook and a food historian, of a sort. So she’s insisting on bringing a nutso recipe that she found in a “classic” cookbook. It involves lime Jell-O, cream cheese, chopped pecans, and — get ready for this — anchovies. I’ve asked her to leave this dish at home, but she says she’s bringing it anyway. What am I to do? — Anonymous, Forest Hills

Ah. A recipe from the troubling past, when Jell-O ruled. A couple of missed Thanksgivings, and your wannabe gourmet guest seems to have forgotten her manners. The rule is simple: If we’re asked not to bring a dish for dinner — no matter how intriguing we deem it to be — we leave the Tupperware at home. Where would this goop fit into anybody’s menu – appetizer, salad, vegetable, animal, mineral? When the dish shows up, put it out on a sideboard, somewhere, at cocktail time. Give the woman who brought it full credit. A stiff drink should help them wash the wiggling anchovies down.

BY JOHN BRIDGES John is the author of How To Be a Gentleman and the co-author, with Bryan Curtis, of other books in the GentlemannersTM series. Send your Best Behavior questions to jbridges@nfocusmagazine.com, and check out his up-to-theminute advice on life’s puzzling problems every Friday at nfocusmagazine.com.

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