Dear critic, I can’t be the only one who scrolls through my camera roll, grasping at the last memories of singing and dancing in crowded concerts, going out to dinners and bars with friends, and being places without fearing close proximity to other human beings. Now, I’m tied down to three things: my house, my phone, and my computer. This is The Quarantine Download: the turn of our lives defined and dominated by our online status. This seemingly endless period of time has either engulfed you into the binary world of 1’s and 0’s or it gave you the chance to be closer to nature. Maybe it even let you acquire a skill or two. Whatever it did, it surely increased our consumption online. We spend so much time online our search histories have become our journal entries. Were you sad? Maybe you visited Amazon for retail therapy. In love? You could’ve been stalking someone’s profile. Mad? No one can stop you from listening to angsty music on YouTube. But being online doesn’t always have to be such a bad thing like our precious older generation says. This pandemic has taught me to remind myself of the positives too. Being online helped us find our communities, it saved local businesses, and it made us care about more serious worldly issues like racism and climate change. The pandemic shut me in the confines of my bedroom and forced me to spend most of my hours online, but it gave me so much more appreciation for my friends and family when I was physically restricted from seeing them. Although it still seems that the cons significantly outweigh the pros, that’s where they don’t. Experiences that happen outside of your comfort zone saturate your identity and shape who you are because life, without struggle or pushback, would be unchallenged, unchanged, and purposeless. We may as well be mindless steel robots coldly awaiting our next commands. To grow, you have to feel discomfort in expressing your suppressed thoughts and feelings. After all, we’ve been told our whole lives we have to go to a good school, get a good job, and eventually have a good retirement. But sometimes a little bit of chaos in structure is a good thing. Thinking unconventionally and being different was and always will be the key to personal growth. We’re all different and that’s okay. We’re all just trying to find happiness. This first issue is about defiance and individuality during a year of uncertainty. It’s not going to tell you what to think. And it certainly won’t tell you what to do. But it will offer freedom, if you choose to accept. We’re leaving it up to you to indulge in these new perspectives from people all over our little world. We should constantly explore beyond our capabilities because life is not a one-size fits all. The truth is, no matter how much we think we should do what we’re told, we should think about and do more of what we aren’t told. Be excited to try new things. Be daring in your ambitions. Don’t be complacent. Be bold.
creative log Editor Kristin Lee Contributors* Adam Ibrahim Asuna Noona Broderick Ashcroft Charu Sharma Georgina Mermigas Grace Kim Grace Yoori Lee Josette Joseph Joseph Kim Kyra Karakatsanis Michael Conley Michelle Jo Naomi Chun Pablo Oh Samantha Pugliese Saxon Lane Sydney Bang *Anonymity granted
LETE PTS MY TINE AL ING
ETE TS MY
INCOMPLETE EXCERPTS FROM MY QUARANTINE JOURNAL —ONGOING
INCOMPLETE EXCERPTS FROM MY QUARANTINE JOURNAL —ONGOING
INCO EXC FRO QUAR JOU —ON
April 20 // 5:48
May 29 // 1:58
I’m calling you my empty mind. My millionth diary,
Had one of those moments with Papa again, you
quarantine edition.
know the ones where I realize I’m not truly in control of my life. That I don’t actually answer to
Unknown date // Unknown time
myself. I love him, I truly do, but I also fear him.
I think at times, almost all the time, people forget I’m bipolar.
June 1 // Unknown time
And I’m really trying to be normal but at the same
Relapsed. There goes my one-year celebration.
time I don’t know if I should. When people think I feel normal, they sometimes forget to be kind.
Unknown date // Unknown time I’m literally too drunk and too sad to figure out what day it is so I’mma just write this entry idgaf. July 5 // 15:00
April 24 // 20:09
Okay, so we’re going to pretend like the last entry never
It has now been a year since I cut myself.
happened because god knows what I was trying to say.
Might be stupid, but I’m genuinely proud.
So embarrassing.
April 29 // 2:38
July 7 // 3:00
I keep checking my weight. I barely ate anything today.
Sometimes I genuinely do believe I’m a bad person.
May 1 // 4:52
July 27 // 10:00
I feel sad and insecure.
Today was a good day.
OMPLETE CERPTS OM MY RANTINE URNAL NGOING May 2 // 10:00
He called me bunny today. That was cute… May 8 // 17:40
July 30 // 2:00 I really like him. August 2 // Unknown time I wonder, one day and in one rash moment, what could I be capable of?
I feel terrible.
August 28 // 17:00
May 16 // 20:23
The last few months have been tough in way I don’t
I am so insanely agitated. There’s a buzzing in my
think I could ever truly vocalize.
body, my throat is tight – it’s difficult to breath.
I’m tired.
I need to cry. May 28 // 5:52 I made myself throw-up again. That was sad.
COVID-19 brought an abrupt stop to so many lives; but to my personal relief, it granted me a much-needed break. It’s unfortunate for a global pandemic to make me feel this way but I can’t help it since our education system is built upon this idea of “hustle culture,” where slaving hours at your desk without proper break equates to pursuing success and an indication of passion. My graduate school journey of taking 9 courses per semester back-to-back with a part-time job was academically stimulating and paradoxically taxing. I needed a break and COVID-19 gave me that. Initially, it was a little challenging getting used to online classes and rationalizing the mass hysteria around toilet papers—seriously, have people not heard of bidets? As a happy introvert in love with solitude and lo-fi hip-hop, and as someone with an unhealthy habit of idealizing unrealistic men in animes and K-dramas, I was happy to stay home and watch TV because I was doing this anyway. Now, I just needed to add schoolwork and the occasional chit-chat sessions on Zoom to my schedule… seemed pretty simple. As weeks turned into months, I saw the dark clouds of uncertainty gloom over my future. Not being able to leave my house as I pleased; seeing my workspace boundaries become meshed with my downtime leaving me unable to properly relax; being cooped up within the same
four walls for days at a time; realizing that there may be an impending economiccrisis; watching George Floyd get murdered without remorse on video; being unable to show solidarity with my fellow Black peers during Black Lives Matter protests. I found myself in an emotionally charged state only finding occasional catharsis when I blurted out, “F***, this sh** sucks!”, every 20 minutes or so. It’s now November and for someone who forgot to attend their own virtual graduation and instead got CoCo’s bubbletea with her best-friend, I am more certain than Trump when he says America will be “great again,” as I say that things will get better. During this uncertainty, I am certain that I will learn to adapt, persevere and thrive, and I believe YOU will as well! Even though I very much enjoy being a hermit and love the privacy it comes with, I became inspired by YouTube videos of people who started their YouTube channels during quarantine. Taking a tremendous leap from my own personal comfort, I have decided to start my YouTube channel featuring my uneventful student life filled with constant existential crises, thrift hauls, study tips and meal recipes which will be served with rustic chic aesthetics. Kindly look forward to my channel Kriyonce The Kermit, where I will upload videos of me maneuvering this time of uncertainty with somewhat certainty. Through this channel, I hope to provide you with the comfort that you are not alone!
With love, Asuna-Noona YouTuber Toronto, Canada
_Logging on... User: Joseph Kim Password: ********** Successful. Opening... Animal Crossing Hours played: 600 hours Quarantine is not over. do you still want to continue playing? [ y ]
[ n ]
Sustainability in a Not So Sustainable World: My Babylon My roommates and I always joke around saying, “That is Babylon,” or, “Yo we’re in Babylon.” In a biblical context, the city of Babylon was known as a wicked city that defied God; it symbolized a place of sin and evil. When my friends and I jokingly use the word Babylon, we say it to represent something as a sin. But after much thought and examination of the word and its context, I started to truly question and think of my own ‘Babylons.’ What sin have I struggled with the most? Which sins are so a part of me that I don’t even realize I have normalized into my life? The answer comes down to one thing: finding joy in spending money. When I say I spend money, it’s not just on food or clothes; no, it is on everything. I can admit I have a small work addiction, but maybe it’s fuelled by my desire to spend money to feel that spark after a new purchase. Whether it be school supplies, clothing, activities, food, or my friends, it all doesn’t matter. So after deep thought, I tried to think of some practical ways to stop spending money. I could prepare my own meals at home, go out with my friends less often, buy just two items of clothing a month, and delete my amazon prime account (because we all know how dangerous that can be). But after almost a year of attempting these practical measures, I fell into the same dilemma of going back to my old ways and racking up a credit card bill of over $1500 a month. So, what was I to do?
You see, the problem I had wasn’t identifying my issue, but the way I tried to solve it. Sure, these goals were realistic and attainable, but what else was missing? It was the root. I had been missing the purpose and reason why I was trying to change. It was because of Christ. For years, I have been trying to seek joy in tangible products that brought me temporary happiness. But the word of God is something eternal. It isn’t temporary, and it isn’t something that gives you a short fix until something else comes along. It is everlasting and it is beautiful. I already have enough, and God has equipped me with enough, so why was I seeking more? We live in a world where the more things you have equals more happiness. And of course, I fell victim to this mindset again and again. But I want to start challenging myself to think deeper. Paul says in Philippians 4:12-13, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” As a follower of Christ, I always believed to some extent that we can do all things with our Lord’s strength. However, I am now challenging myself to live by these words. Perhaps the secret to being content which Paul speaks of is being satisfied and joyed in the Lord. No matter what we own, rich or poor, strong or weak, hungry or fed, we can be content in the Lord. I want to know and live out what Paul is speaking about. Wouldn’t it be amazing to be content in every situation? I can only imagine. As I begin a journey of more of Him and less of me, I challenge you to reflect, dig deep and think of the ‘Babylons’ in your own life. May we live a life where we spend our money and time on what matters most to us and live out our lives with purpose. Gina Mermigas Nurse in the making Mississauga, Canada
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QUARANTINE Saxon Lane Toronto, Canada @fvstlane
Exploring Creativity Pablo Oh Photographer Seoul, South Korea/ Toronto, Canada @pablooh www.pablooh.com
I am so thankful to call Canada one of my homes. Moving here in 2009, I had no idea what this country would help me become. I’ve learned photography here and I can’t be thankful enough. Saying that photography has opened doors for me is an understatement. It has helped me become who I am. It has helped me travel places some people only dream of. It has helped me have a deeper connection to places and people.
Moving here in 2009, I had no idea what this country would help me become.
Being inspired, inspiring; creativity is what brings people together.
We all know that we live in unprecedented times. But this shouldn’t stop us from creating. I believe creating keeps the world going. Being inspired, inspiring; creativity is what brings people together. It creates conversation.
I want my work to inspire and help people.
I want my work to inspire and help people. I want to be able to showcase that if a Korean, born and raised in Bolivia, who immigrated to Canada, and now living in Korea can do it, so can they.
by michael conley @mikeconsie
samanthaclaiir
SAMANTHA PUGLIESE
This is a digital photograph taken on one of my many walks through my nearest park. During my time in lockdown I was actually absurdly busy. I was working full-time as a grade 12 English teacher, online. All the while, I was still finishing my degree. As well as preparing to apply to apply for law school. So, going for a walk in my park was a highlight of my day, I love this park and have so many photos of it from this past summer. I have been working so hard toward my goals during quarantine. I hope I can return to the park next summer knowing that every minute of my hard work was worth it in the end.
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the quarantine channel 58
Life, especially during quarantine, has kind of been like watching TV. In the morning, like Breakfast Television, you catch up on whatever happened last night and figure out your next couple of hours. Checking the weather, getting the latest on the US election, replying to emails and texts, and etc. Kind of like how only subpar sitcoms or melodramatic soaps are on during the day, you find yourself doing things that are entertaining enough to distract you but not enough to require your full attention. Scrolling through Instagram, watching an influencer tell you to buy things you don’t need, browsing through Reddit - you get the gist. Soon after, it’s time to bring your dinner to the couch and dig into the quality entertainment that you can always rely on for emotional and mental fulfilment. Things like binge-ing the latest Netflix feature, playing Among Us, or making yet another loaf of banana bread. This isn’t the routine for everyone but as you can see, the average person is digesting mindless entertainment for most of the day, with only five-minute segments dedicated to global news (rather, American news). And it’s not just our routine that bears a resemblance to TV programming, it’s also our viewing habits. How we can tune in and out of the world as we please. Choosing what we want on our screens and for how long.
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Similar to changing the channel when we don’t like a show, we can keep scrolling or tap next. When we get tired of someone and want to “lower the volume”, we can mute or unfollow. When we’re drained by the evening news and want to turn it off, we can disconnect and escape to a 1000 piece puzzle. And who can blame us for wanting to change the channel or turn off the TV so frequently when 2020 seems like a twisted advent calendar with a nasty surprise every month? What we’re seeing out there is overwhelming, depressing, and infuriating. But if life is like watching TV, who are we watching? Who is on that screen? Although it seems obvious, the answer is often forgotten. That overwhelming, depressing, and infuriating reality that some of us are watching is a reality that someone else has no choice but to live out daily. They can’t change the channel because they are the main actor in the show with no idea when it will finally stop airing. Not everyone can escape the realities of this world. Sometimes, privilege is simply having a remote. And if you have a remote, what should you do? I’m not entirely sure what the “right” thing to do is but maybe instead of changing the channel or turning off the TV, you take a commercial break. And when you’re ready, come back to the screen because there are so many things happening right now that need your attention. So many realities that even if you can’t experience yourself, you should experience as a viewer to, at the very least, gain empathy and understanding. So what are we waiting for? Turn on the TV because there are things we need to watch. And who knows, maybe we’ll get off the couch and do something about it.
by naomi chun, mississauga, canada
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A few weeks before quarantine, a relationship I was in ended and so, I was fully prepared
to spend my isolation, in isolation. Like any
bored 20-something, I downloaded Tinder with the aspiration to embody my inner “hoe,” and throw boys around left and right as I stayed independently fierce. That didn’t last long. The first day I started swiping I met someone, and when I met that someone I didn’t think
they’d become such an integral part of my life, but they did. As the weeks in quarantine went
by, he and I would talk more often, play stupid
iPhone games, and of course — be obnoxiously competitive. We always talked about watching movies together, and so I started writing our suggestions down in a list. One day, we
had a Netflix party and we arbitrarily rated the
movie out of 10 and so I wrote the rating down. As the list grew, we watched more and more movies and I kept writing down our ratings.
It’s now our ultimate competition — who has the best taste in movies (it’s me by the way).
We plan to tally the score once we stop watching movies. We’re not dating, we’re not exclu-
sive and I don’t know if we’ll ever be “serious.” But, we are still watching movies and so I
created this piece titled “Netflix Party” as an
ode to hours we’ve spent together already and in the hopes a winner is never crowned.
Netflix Party by Anonymous Mississauga, Canada
KRISTIN LEE • EDITOR-IN-CHIEF • @SUPEUNBILEE
Alas, this is my submission. Whenever I submit my work, I try to manipulate my photography. This is literally the first photo I took when I began filming for my YouTube channel, and I think it is symbolic of my optimism for the future. I like to think it represents my ambition for want to put myself out there and say and do something, but not knowing exactly what I want to say or do yet. I was so thankful to find such a large and blank canvas in the city.
Given your submission guidelines, I manipulated the billboard to send a subconscious mes-
sage. I would say my drawing is very much inspired by newspaper caricatures; simply drawn images that represent complex situations. This summer evidently was not like summers
that have passed. It seemed as if we have been punished this year, forcing us to our rooms,
away from each other. Unable to go frolic in the summer sun. I am not religious but the devil has always been a symbol of misfortune and wrongdoing throughout my life. I could do a
deep analysis of my thought process, but I think this piece speaks for itself given the world’s current circumstance. Adam Ibrahim
Toronto, Canada @so_hipp
CAN’T SEEM TO THERE IS NO SPACE FOR FOCUS IN ADHD THERE IS NO SPACE FOR ADHD IN QUARANTINE THERE IS NO JOSETTE JOSEPH VISUAL ARTIST, CREATIVE DIRECTOR SCARBOROUGH, CANADA @LORDFLACKOJOSYE JOSETTEJOSEPH.COM
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STOP TALKING CHARU SHARMA SHE/HER PHOTOGRAPHER TORONTO, CANADA CSHARMAPHOTOS CHARUSHARMA.CA
Created by Anonymous Designed by @sswj98
STAY CHARU SHARMA • SHE/HER • PHOTOGRAPHER • TORONTO, CANADA • @CSHARMAPHOTOS • CHARUSHARMA.CA
CHARU SHARMA • SHE/HER • PHOTOGRAPHER • TORONTO, CANADA • @CSHARMAPHOTOS • CHARUSHARMA.CA
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TAKE 2 PILLS A DAY (1 IN THE MORNING, 1 IN T
A CHANGE IN MY DAILY SCHEDULE: QUARANTINE 2020 • GRACE YOO RI LEE • STUDENT • RICHMOND HILL, CANADA • @GRACEYOORI
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The Art of Listening
Michelle Jo Artist GTA, Canada @michellejo Youtube: Michelle Jo
my own thoughts in these moments of pure listening, I allow myself to share the feelings and the sentiments of this person by immersing myself into their story. For a moment, not tied down by my own beliefs, opinions, and attitudes but, rather meeting the person where they are.
From witnessing the overwhelming amount of social justice issues brought to light over the last couple of months, to the heartfelt conversations I had with my mentor over a cup of coffee - something I felt resonate so deeply with me over the course of this pandemic, was the reality of my own brokenness. Over the last few months, God has revealed to me some of my deepest, deepest sorrows and He has completely stripped me down to reveal my greatest flaws. Yet here I was, ever so confident that I am still loved by my Heavenly Father. Because of his good grace and work of the cross, even in the midst of my brokenness I am blameless before Him. And this… this truth is what set me free, moving me to inspire some change in you.
Learning to perceive people through their stories, open up a gateway to understanding how a person experiences life differently than ourselves. We begin to see the world with a greater lens. I always find it such a blessing to listen and hear about the extraordinary milestones and the hardships that comprise a person of who they are because that empowers me to love them further. I find it challenges how I respond or how I conduct my manner towards them in light of their circumstances because I know that it must not be easy. The art of stepping into someone’s shoes connects people, so beautifully because it recognizes our differences, making us unique and, and that’s okay.
This season of suffering has led me to believe that everyone in this world is suffering and broken in some way, shape, or form. We all come with a narrative that deserves to be heard.
So… this is to all of you who have a story to tell the world. Maybe your story consists of fighting the constant battle against racial injustice or being victim to the countless humanitarian crises that occur year after year - grabbing the media’s attention, only to be shortly forgotten about. Maybe your story embodies the struggles of the COVID-19 pandemic. Whether you had to say goodbye to a loved one or whether your mental, physical, or spiritual health was tested beyond what you thought you could handle. My heart goes out to all of you, even if none of this applies to you, you deserve to be heard. And when you feel like no one’s listening, I hear you.
Even when I’m in a conversation with someone, I often catch myself so quick to get out what’s on my mind and wondering about how I can respond next. But, when I start to let go of
So I want to challenge you: to create a space that welcomes vulnerability and encourages love as you lend your ears to someone who can benefit from simply being heard.
FACE LESS
E S CHARU SHARMA • SHE/HER • PHOTOGRAPHER • TORONTO, CANADA • @CSHARMAPHOTOS • CHARUSHARMA.CA
JOSETTE JOSEPH @lordflackojosye josettejoseph.com
237 TATTOO PARLOUR AND TRAP: A STUDY
VISUAL ARTIST, CREATIVE DIRECTOR
Ah yes, welcome to the 237 tattoo parlour and trap. A place to eat, a place to drink, a place to make wine smoothies, a place to make bad decisions permanently engraved into your skin, a place to carve pumpkins, a place to scream “yoohoo” at your family, a place to make beer towers, a place to consume 4-day old takeout, a place
SCARBOROUGH, CANADA
to accidentally consume peanuts and have light anaphylactic reactions, a place to communicate via nintendo ds pictochat while you’re sitting right beside eachother, a place to yell across the house to tell Mrs. Cat to stop screaming, a place to fall asleep on the kitchen table after a wonderful birthday, and a place to watch Mike Tyson Mysteries. A place to spend all your time. A place I will miss the most when I graduate.
A love letter to the stillness of home Hi there, It’s only been six months but really, it doesn’t feel short at all. Lots of things have changed, yet stayed the exact same. It’s been said that if you feel too comfortable in a place or situation, you probably aren’t growing as much as you could or being challenged to be the best version of yourself. I always felt like home was this comfortable place, and so I was always intentional with how much (or little) time I spent here. But this summer staying home made me realize how much I took it for granted, looking right past all the things I’ve forgotten to appreciate. Like I said, lots of things have changed, but home stayed the exact same. For the first time in my life, I was forced to slow down. At home, I’ve been able to spend time cherishing the small things like: the width of the bike roads in Mississauga; the different textures of tennis courts around the GTA; the way the wind showers your body when you tack your sailboat correctly on Lake Ontario; the satisfaction of a straight driver on a beautiful course in St. Catharines; the sweat that runs down your body when you reach the top of your hike in Hamilton; the ambiance of a busy, yet physically distanced F45 studio in Streetsville. The time I’ve spent here these past couple of months have been the longest since 2015. This is by no mistake at all. I’ve spent the past couple years going to school in a different city and flying in and out of different countries and provinces to make the most of my youth. But it seemed in that time, I forgot to spend time here, at home, with my family, and most importantly, with myself. I find it hard to be alone without feeling lonely. I’ve always been used to the constant group chat notifications, the lighthearted conversations with strangers in line for their morning coffee, or the buzzing post-ambience of a hot yoga studio. But all of that hustle and bustle came to an abrupt silence when I unknowingly walked into one of the most challenging seasons of my life. Dropped by a helicopter in the middle of Nakina’s wilderness on the cusp of the Hudson’s Bay, I spent 14 hours a day surrounded by nothing but the elements, and no phone signal in sight. This was the first time in my life where I really had nothing around and no one to talk to. Just a small girl and her hand shovel, with the sounds of an empty forest.
I’ve spent the past couple years going to school in a different city and flying in and out of different countries and provinces to make the most of my youth. But it seemed in that time, I forgot to spend time here, at home, with my family, and most importantly, with myself.”
In these times alone, it was the meditation and prayer that were the most grounding moments. As the scatter-brained, external processor I am, it was exhausting trying to heal alone. Little did I know this wasn’t the last time I’d endure a similar growing pain. The thought of spending a whole weekend at home, not seeing anyone else, was daunting in and of itself, and this summer’s quarantine warranted even more of that. Just like my time in Nakina, I had to understand how to be alone without feeling lonely. The environments are different, but the challenges similar. I envisioned this summer to look a lot different than it did, but even through the seemingly endless alone time, I am grateful for the way it turned out. Even as the brokenness and gaps within our systems were exposed, and it feels like our world is in shambles, I hope I can learn to walk with less judgement, more understanding and leave space for empathy. The hardest but also the most beautiful part of living with our own unique perspectives of our place in this world is when we can live harmoniously in our differences. As the world reveals it’s darknesses, I’m thankful that I have a community that shines bright. I’m thankful I live in a place where I can walk outside alone at night comfortably, without fear. I’m thankful for the small moments of stillness outside where I can admire how perfectly imperfect every tree grows, or how the ground is uneven. Nothing I’ve learnt this summer is particularly new, but has been able to somehow shape me differently than I would have ever imagined. The conversations that I’ve had with people and the way they’ve opened up have allowed me to recognize how incredible my community is and what I’ve been missing. This reflection of my summer showed me time is invaluable. Our time here is to be treasured. It’s almost unfortunate that this isn’t a goodbye to the confines of a COVID summer, but more of an acceptance that this may be what normal looks like for a while. But for this, I am grateful. So here’s to you, summer 2020: Thank you for the late nights and early mornings of stillness. Thank you for reminding me how much I love my mom’s home cooked meals. Thank you for your patience in watching me grow, but most importantly thank you for teaching me what it means to be a friend. Love,
Nothing I’ve learnt this summer is particularly new, but has been able to somehow shape me differently than I would have ever imagined.”
NOSE IN THE BOOKS KYRA KARAKATSANIS @KYRAXK
WISHING UPON A STAR • GRACE KIM • VIDEO GAME ARTIST • VANCOUVER, CANADA • TWITTER: @JJACSSOKIM • IG: @JJACSSO
KRISTIN LEE • EDITOR-IN-CHIEF • @SUPEUNBILEE