Social Justice

Kristi Sprague, Social Justice Coordinator

Content Sensitivity: Pregnancy Loss

Over the next few weeks, the Reproductive Freedom Ministry Team will be gathering stories about why Reproductive Justice is important to people in our community. Telling these stories may require courage because it asks us to become vulnerable. Since this issue of the newsletter is about courage, I thought I’d share my story of finding courage.

For me, like many others, having children wasn’t as straightforward as I thought it would be. I bought into the story we’re sold in movies and diaper commercials of the uncomplicated pregnancy and cooing baby coming home from the hospital. Instead, my experience was a long haul during which I often felt betrayed by my body. It was one in which I worked through the deepest grief I’ve known.

My journey began in 1996 with a joyful, positive pregnancy test. Soon, I felt pregnancy symptoms, news was shared with our families, and the weeks were being counted. At 8 weeks along, I had a hunch the baby was a girl. I also started to wonder if there was a problem, so my obstetrician was keeping in touch with me. At 11 weeks and 5 days, I went in for an ultrasound since the problem hadn’t resolved. We were thrilled to see the blinking of a heartbeat on the monitor. The baby looked to be the size of a lima bean which amused me. Still, we didn’t know why I was bleeding. Another higher resolution ultrasound was scheduled.

At 12 weeks pregnant, just two days after the earlier ultrasound, I went in for the higher resolution scan. The issue was found. It wasn’t a big deal and would likely heal itself. The technician wanted us to be able to see our “bean”. Our bitty one was a great size, in the right place, developing well. We were all smiling. A few seconds went by. I realized the technician had gotten quieter. She said, “I know you aren’t expecting to hear this, but I’m having trouble finding the heartbeat.” I felt my entire body go cold. I don’t think I was breathing.

We learned that our baby had died over the weekend. I learned that I might have to have an abortion to remove the baby from my womb. I have always been pro-choice and always will be. I didn’t think I would ever be faced with the choice. After a week, I chose to have an abortion. I realize now how fortunate I was to be able to be in a safe, caring place, in my own city, with my favorite doctors, to have this done. Now, who knows what I would have to do.

I remember the grief being overwhelming. It took a while to be brave enough to try to get pregnant again. The next pregnancy resulted in fraternal twins, double joy! And with as much sorrow as joy, they were born at six months, able to cry, and not able to live. A beautiful memorial service was held for them at FUS, for which I’m grateful. These three children taught me about courage, about showing up for my life when I thought I couldn’t bear the heartbreak, and about the empathy and compassion that appears in amazing places.

My life was forever changed by these little ones. I owe them gratitude. They taught me how to be more courageous, more vulnerable, more loving, more appreciative, and more present.

I went on to have a lovely biological son. And, three years later, we adopted an amazing baby girl. I’m beyond blessed.

Love, Kristi